The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Dumpling Paradox - full transcript

When Howard hooks up with Penny's old friend, his absence in the gang causes problems for the rest of the guys.

Watch this, it's really cool. Ahem.

Call Leonard Hofstadter.

Did you say, "Call Helen Boxleitner"?

No. Call Leonard Hofstadter.

Did you say, "Call Temple Beth Seder"?

- No.
- Here, let me try.

Call M'kflono M'kflooniloo. Ha-ha. Ha.

Calling Rajesh Koothrappali.


Oh. It's very impressive.

And a little racist.

If we're through playing
Mock the Flawed Technology...

...can we get on with "Halo" night?

We were supposed to start at 8.
It's now 8:06.

So we'll start now.

We have to decide
if those lost six minutes...

...will come out of game time,
bathroom time or the pizza break.

We could split it two, two and two.

If we're having anchovies on the pizza,
we can't take it out of bathroom time.


What fresh hell is this?

- Hey, Penny. Come on in.
- Hey, guys.

See a Penny, pick her up,
and all the day, you'll have good luck.

No, you won't. Uh...

- Can I hide out here for a while?
- Sure. What's going on?

Well, there's this girl I know
from back in Nebraska, Christy.

She called me up,
she's like, "Hey, how's California?"

And I'm like, "Awesome,"
because it's not Nebraska.

The next thing I know,
she's invited herself to stay with me.

- Eight oh eight.
- Shh.

She got here today
and she's just been in my apartment...

...yakking about every guy she slept with
in Omaha, which is every guy in Omaha...

...and washing
the sluttiest collection of underwear... have ever seen
in my bathroom sink.

Is she doing it one thong at a time
or does she throw it all in?

Like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse?

- He really needs to dial it down.
- I know.

So if you don't like this Christy,
why are you letting her stay?

She was engaged to my cousin
while sleeping with my brother... she's kind of family.

Yeah, I apologize for my earlier outburst.

Who needs "Halo"
when we can be regaled...

...with the delightfully folksy tale
of the whore of Omaha?

Oh... I don't think she's a whore.

No, yeah, she's definitely a whore.

I mean, she has absolutely no standards.

This one time, she was at...

Where's Howard?

Bonjour, mademoiselle.

I understand you're new in town.

Oh, good grief.


Ugh. I cannot believe Christy let Howard
into my apartment.

And I cannot believe people pay
for horoscopes...

...but on a more serious note,
it's 8:13 and we're still not playing "Halo."

Okay, fine. We'll just play one-on-one
until he gets back.

One-on-one? We don't play one-on-one.

We play teams, not one-on-one.

Well, the only way we can play teams
at this point is if we cut Raj in half.

Sure, cut the foreigner in half.
There's a billion more where he came from.

Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I'll play.

- Great idea.
- Uh, no.

The wheel was a great idea.
Relativity was a great idea.

This is a notion,
and a rather sucky one at that.

- Why?
- Why? Oh...

- Penny, Penny, Penny.
- What, what, what?

This is a complex battle simulation
with a steep learning curve.

There are myriad weapons,
vehicles and strategies to master...

...not to mention an intricate back-story.


Oh, cool!
Whose head did I just blow off?


Okay, I got this. Lock and load, boys.

It's the only way we can play teams.

Whoever's her partner will be hamstrung
by her lack of experience, not to mention...


Ha-ha! There goes your head again.

Okay, it's not good sportsmanship
to shoot somebody who's just re-spawned.

You need to give them a chance to...
Now, come on.


Raj, Raj, she's got me cornered.
Cover me.

Cover this, suckers.


Penny, you are on fire.

Yeah, and so is Sheldon.


Okay, that's it.
I don't know how, but she is cheating.

No one can be that attractive
and this skilled at a video game.

Wait, Sheldon, come back.
You forgot something.


This plasma grenade.


Ha! Look, it's raining you.

You laugh now,
you just wait until you need tech support.

Gosh. He's kind of a sore loser, isn't he?

Well, to be fair,
he's also a rather unpleasant winner.

Well, it's been fun.

Penny, we make such a good team.

Maybe we could enter
a couple of "Halo" tournaments sometime.

Or we could just have a life.

I guess for you, that's an option.
Ha-ha. Ha.

- Good night, Leonard.
- Good night.

As usual, nice talking to you, Raj.

What do you suppose she meant by that?

She's an enigma, Raj.

There's a certain ethic to the game,
Penny, a well-established...

She's gone, Sheldon.

Well, she could have said goodbye.

Okay, I have a problem.

It's called carpal tunnel syndrome,
and quite frankly, you deserve it.

What's wrong?

Well, um, Howard and Christy
are kind of hooking up in my bedroom.

- Are you sure?
- Look, I grew up on a farm, okay?

From what I heard, they're either having sex
or Howard's caught in a milking machine.

Do you mind if I stay here tonight?

No. Yeah, take the couch, or my bed.
I just got new pillows.


Uh, the couch is good.

Hold that thought. Leonard, a moment.

You have a problem with this.

Where do I begin?

It's up to you. Crazy person's choice.

Well, first, we don't have house guests.

Frankly, if I could afford the rent,
I'd ask you to leave.

Your friendship means a lot
to me as well. What else?

Well, our earthquake supplies.

- We have a two-man, two-day kit.
- So?

So if there's an earthquake
and the three of us are trapped here...

...we could be out of food
by tomorrow afternoon.

Are you suggesting
that if we let Penny stay...

...we might succumb to cannibalism?

No one ever thinks it'll happen
until it does.

Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh
off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.

- Ha. What?
- He's engaging in reductio ad absurdum.

It's the fallacy of extending someone's
argument to ridiculous proportions...

...and then criticizing the result.
And I don't appreciate it.

I'll get you a blanket and a pillow.

Okay, since I'm obviously being ignored
here, let's go over the morning schedule.

I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20.

Plan your ablutions
and bodily functions accordingly.

How am I supposed to
plan my bodily functions?

I suggest no liquids after 11p.m.

- Here you go.
- Thanks, Leonard.

Heh, wrong.

I'm listening.

Your head goes on the other end.

- Why?
- It's culturally universal.

A bed, even a temporary bed... always oriented with the headboard
away from the door.

It serves the ancient imperative
of protecting oneself against marauders.

- I'll risk it.
- Ooh.

Anything else I should know?

Yes. If you use my toothbrush,
I'll jump out that window.

Please don't come to my funeral.
Have a good night.

- Sorry about that.
- That's okay.

FYI, his toothbrush is the red one
in the Plexiglas case under the UV light.

- Ha. Got it.
- Well, sleep tight.


Funny expression, sleep tight. Ha-ha. Ha.

It refers to
the early construction of beds...

...which featured a mattress suspended
on interlocking ropes, which occasionally...

Sleep tight.

What are you doing?

Every Saturday since we've lived in
this apartment I have awakened at 6:15...

...poured a bowl of cereal,
added a quarter cup of milk...

...sat on this end of this couch, turned on
BBC America, and watched Doctor Who.

Penny's still sleeping.

Every Saturday
since we've lived in this apartment...

...I have awakened at 6:15,
poured myself...

I know.
Look, you have a TV in your room.

Why don't you have breakfast in bed?

Because I am neither an invalid
nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day.

What time is it?

Almost 6:30.

I slept all day?

No, it's 6:30 in the morning.

What the hell is your problem?

Okay, this cereal
has lost all its molecular integrity.

I now have a bowl
of shredded wheat paste.

Hola, nerd-migos.

Why do you people hate sleep?

Are you wearing my robe?

Oh, yeah. Sorry, I'll have it cleaned.

That's okay, keep it.

- Where's Christy?
- In the shower.

By the way,
where did you get that loofah mitt?

Yours reaches places
that mine just won't.

You used my loofah?

More precisely, we used your loofah.

I exfoliated her brains out.

You can keep that too.

Ah. Well, then, we'll probably need to talk
about your stuffed-bear collection.

CHRISTY: Howard?
- In here, milady.

Mm. There's my little engine that could.


There's one beloved children's book
I'll never read again.

Hi. Christy.

- Hey, Leonard.
- I'm Sheldon.

Right. You're Howard's entourage.

So, Christy, what are your plans?

Well, Howard said he'd take me shopping
in Beverly Hills.

Yeah, no, I meant plans to find
someplace to live other than with me.

Not that I don't love having you,
but it's a little crowded.

Penny, you're always welcome
to stay with us.

Oh, terrific.
Now we're running a cute little B & B.

Let me offer a little thinking here.

- Why doesn't Christy stay with me?
- You live with your mother.

I do not. My mother lives with me.

It's settled. Christy will stay with Howard,
Penny can go back to her apartment.

And I'll watch the last 24 minutes
of Doctor Who...

...although at this point,
it's more like Doctor Why Bother?

- Sheldon, you just can't dictate...
- No more talking. Everybody go.

So, what do you say?
Wanna repair to Casa Wolowitz?

What is that, like a Mexican deli?

I'm sorry,
I should have mentioned this earlier.

My last name is Wolowitz.

Oh. That's so cool.

My first Jew.

I imagine there aren't
very many kosher cornhuskers.

- But you're still taking me shopping?
- Anything you want.

Okay, I'll go pack my stuff.

When they perfect human cloning,
I'm gonna order 12 of those.

Howard, can't you see she's using you?

Who cares? Last night,
she pulled off her blouse and I wept.

Look, Howard, I know her, okay?

She'll have sex with anyone
as long as they keep buying her things.

- Really?
- Yeah.


If you'll excuse me,
I have some bar mitzvah bonds to cash.

I'm sorry,
we cannot do this without Wolowitz.

We can't order Chinese food
without Wolowitz?

Let me walk you through it.

Our standard order is,
the steamed dumpling appetizer...

...General Tso's chicken,
beef with broccoli...

...shrimp with lobster sauce,
and vegetable lo mein.

Do you see the problem?

I see a problem.

Our entire order is predicated
on four dumplings and four entrées...

...divided amongst four people.

So we'll just order three entrées.

Fine. What do you wanna eliminate?

- And who gets the extra dumpling?
- We could cut it into thirds.

Then it's no longer a dumpling.

Once you cut it open, it is, at best,
a very small open-faced sandwich.

Hi, fellas.

Oh. Where's your annoying little friend
who thinks he speaks Mandarin?

He's putting his needs
ahead of the collective good.

Where he comes from,
that's punishable by death.

I come from Sacramento.

Can we get an order of dumplings,
but with three instead of four?

No substitutions.

This isn't a substitution.
It's a reduction.

Okay. No reductions.

Fine. Bring us three orders of dumplings.

- That's 12, we'll each have four.
- That works.

If we fill up on dumplings,
we need to eliminate an entrée.

No eliminations.

If we have extra,
we'll just take the leftovers home.

And divide it how? I'm telling you,
we cannot do this without Wolowitz.

Wolowitz is with his girlfriend.

If you'd let me invite Penny,
you would've had your fourth.

Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food?

She uses a fork
and she double-dips her egg rolls.

- We don't order egg rolls.
- Exactly. But we'd have to if she was here.

Can we please make a decision?

Not only are there children starving in
India, there's an Indian starving right here.

There's an idea.
Why don't we go out for Indian food?

Oh, ew.

You're nice boys.

Tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm gonna bring you the four dumplings.

When I'm walking over to the table...

...maybe I get bumped,
one of the dumplings fall to the floor.

No one has to know.

I'll know.


- How about soup?
- Yeah, we can always divide soup.

What about the won tons?

Oh. Hey, guys, what's up?

It's "Halo" night.

Yeah? Okay.


With Wolowitz spending all of his time
with your friend Christy...

She's not my friend. Friends do not
get their friends' Care Bears all sweaty.

Right, anyway, uh,
with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere...

...we had something
we wanted to ask you.

- Sheldon?
- Yes. Ahem.

we would very much appreciate it...

...if you would be the fourth member
of our "Halo" team.

I don't think I need to tell you
what an honor this is.

Oh. That's so sweet.

But I'm going out dancing
with a girlfriend.

You can't go out, it's "Halo" night.

Well, for Penny, it's dancing night.

- You go dancing every Wednesday?
- No.

Then it's not dancing night.

Why don't I play with you tomorrow?

Tonight is "Halo" night.
It's like talking to a wall.

All right, now, Sheldon,
you and I are about to have a problem.

Sheldon, remember, we role-played this.

Yes, but you didn't portray her
as completely irrational.

All right, fellas, I gotta go.

But good luck.

Maybe we should've asked if we could go
dancing with her and her girlfriend.

Okay, assuming we could dance,
which we can't...

...there are three of us and two of them.

- So?
- It's the Chinese restaurant all over again.

I assure you that cutting
a dumpling in thirds is child's play...

...compared with three men each attempting
to dance with 67 percent of a woman.

For God's sakes, Sheldon,
you are driving me crazy.

Your anger is not with me,
but with mathematics.

I'm pretty sure my anger is with you.

What is happening to us?
We're falling apart.

- Who are you calling?
- The only man who can restore...

...any semblance of balance
to our universe.

This is Howard.

This is Christy.

HOWARD: We can't get to the phone
right now because we're having sex.

CHRISTY: You're not gonna put that
on your message, are you?

I'm just kidding. I'll re-record it.


Sheldon, think this through.

You're going to ask Howard
to choose between sex and "Halo."

No, I'm going to ask him
to choose between sex and "Halo 3."

As far as I know,
sex has not been upgraded... include hi-def graphics
and enhanced weapon systems.

You're right, all sex has is nudity,
orgasms and human contact.

My point.

CHRISTY: I'm just saying you can take the
damn plastic off the couch once in a while.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Why, so you
and Howard can hump on it?

HOWARD: Ladies, ladies,
I'm sure there's a middle ground.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Shut up, Howard!
CHRISTY: Shut up, Howard!

HOWARD: You guys talk.
I'm gonna take my scooter out for a spin.

CHRISTY: You happy?
You drove your son out of the house.

Why don't you stop butting in?

- What are you guys doing here?
- It's "Halo" night.

He's not a man, he's a putz.

And don't you take that tone with me,
you gold digger.

CHRISTY: What'd you call me?
MRS. WOLOWITZ: You heard me.

You're barking up the wrong tree...

...because as long as you're around,
Howard is out of the will.

CHRISTY: You know what?
I got better offers. I'm out of here.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: That's right.
Go back to Babylon, you whore.

So "Halo" night, huh?

- I thought she was the whore of Omaha.
- Shh.


Sheldon, you got him in your sights. Fire!
He's charging his plasma rifle.

- I can't shoot now, I'm cloaking.
- Now, Raj, kill Sheldon.

I can't see him.

That's why they call it cloaking,
dead man.

- Start throwing grenades.
- I'm all out.

Hey, guys, my friends and I
got tired of dancing... we came over to have sex
with you.

Now, Raj, jump in the tank.

- We said no tanks.
- There are no rules in hell.

Son of a bitch.
Med-pack! I need a med-pack!

Told you.

There's a sniper.
Use your rocket launcher.

All I've got is a needler
and I'm all out of ammo!

And now you're out of life.


- Why did you hit pause?
- I thought I heard something.

- What?
- No... Never mind.

Sorry, go.

[English - US - SDH]