The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Grasshopper Experiment - full transcript

When Raj's parents set him up on a blind date, he finds he can talk to women with the aid of alcohol.


The online description
was completely misleading.

They said:
"8 slots plus removable ID".

To any rational person,
that would mean room for nine cards.

But they don't tell you the removable ID
takes up one slot. It's a nightmare.

Do you really need the Honorary Justice
League of American membership card?

It's been in every wallet I've owned
since I was five.


It says
"Keep this on your person at all times."

It's right here
under Batman's signature.

...and this is Leonard
and Sheldon's apartment.

Guess whose parents
just got broadband.

Leonard, may I present,
live from New Delhi,

Dr. and Mrs. V. M. Koothrappali.

Tilt up the camera up!

I'm looking at his crotch.

Sorry, Papa.

Oh, that's much better. Hi.

And over here is Sheldon.

He lives with Leonard.

That's nice.
Like Haroon and Tanvir.

Not like Haroon and Tanvir.

Such sweet young men.

They just adopted the cutest
little Punjabi baby.

No, we're not like
Haroon and Tanvir.

So, are you boys academics
like our son?


And your parents are comfortable
with your limited earning potential?

- Oh, yes.
- Not at all.

Papa, please. Don't start.

It was just a question.
He's so sensitive.

That's my life. That's my friends.
Good to see you. Say good-bye.

- Bye.
- Wait! Wait!

Before you go,
we have good news.

Put the computer down
and gather your friends.

- What is it, Papa?
- Friends!

Is it just me,
or does web chatting

with your clothes on
seem a little pointless?

Do you rember Lalita Gupta?

The little fat girl that used to kick me
in the samosas and call me untouchable?

Yes. Well, now she's
a dental student at USC,

so we gave her
your contact information.

Why did you do that?

You're 26 years old, Rajesh.
We want grandchildren.

- But, Papa, I'm not supposed...
- Lalita's parents approved the match.

If you decide on a spring wedding,
we can avoid monsoon season.

A spring wedding?!

It's up to you, dear.
We don't want to meddle.

If you don't want to meddle,
then why are you?

If I may, your parents probably
don't consider this meddling.

While arranged marriages
are no longer the norm,

Indian parents continue to have

a greater-than-average involvement
in their children's love lives.

Why are you telling me
about my own culture?

You seemed confused.

Sorry, but with all due respect,
I really don't want to...

I'm sorry, darling.
We have to go.

Doogie Howser is on.

It's Doogie Time!

- Bye-bye!
- Bye-bye!

I don't believe it.

Neither do I.

Doogie Howser's been off
the air for like 20 years.

I read somewhere

that it's one of the most
popular programs in India.

It might speak to a cultural aspiration

to have one's children
enter the medical profession.

I bet you're right.

- I bet they loveScrubs.
- What's not to love?

Excuse me! Hello?

My parents are trying to marry me to
a total stranger. What am I going to do?

I suggest you go through with it.


Romantic love as the basis for marriage
has only existed since the 19th century.

Up until then,
arranged marriages were the norm,

and it served society quite well.

It's the entire premise
of Fiddler on the Roof.

I'm not a big fan of musicals,
but I love that show.

Me too.
Of course, it speaks to me culturally.

Understandable, but there's
a universality to that story

which transcends ethnicity.

Let's not forget it's got
some really catchy tunes.

- I know what I'm going to do.
- What?

Find new friends.

So who wants to rent Fiddler?

No need, we have the special edition.

Maybe we are like Haroon and Tanvir.

This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

Yeah, I need to cancel
my membership to the planetarium.

Well, I'm sorry, too,

but there's just no room
for you in my wallet.

I understand,

but it was between you
and the Museum of Natural History,

and frankly,
you don't have dinosaurs.

I'll miss you, too. Bye-bye.

Okay, I know you're texting about me
and I'd really like you to stop.

Oh, dear,
I am rightly and truly screwed.

Hey, I thought you were
finding new friends.

I've got some feelers out.

In the meantime, listen to this.

Hi, Rajesh.
This is Lalita Gupta.

Your mother gave my mother
your phone number to give to me.

So, I'm calling you

and... call me back. Bye.

Can you believe how pushy she is?

So don't call her.

If I don't call her, I won't hear
the end of it from my parents.

- So call her.
- How?

You know I can't talk to women.

I'm done.
Anybody else?

- Give me the phone.
- Why?

Just give it to me.

- What are you doing?
- Don't worry. You'll thank me.

Hello, Lalita?
Raj Koothrappali here.

Yes, it is good
to talk to you, too.

So what are you wearing?

Oh, not important.

So, anyhow,
when would you like to meet?

Friday works for me!

I'll call you with a time and place.

But in the meantime,
keep it real, babe.

You may now thank me.

For what? Making me sound
like a Simpsons character?

Next time make your own date.

- I didn't want this one!
- Look on the bright side,

she might turn out to be
a nice, beautiful girl.

Great, then we'll get married,
I won't be able to talk to her

and we'll spend the rest
of our lives in total silence.

It worked for my parents.

Hi, guys.

I need some guinea pigs.

There's a lab animal supply company
in Reseda you could try.

But if your research is going
to have human applications,

may I suggest white mice instead?

Their brain chemistry
is far closer to ours.

I swear to God, one day,

I'm going to get the hang
of talking to you.

His mom's been saying that for years.

What's up?

I finally convinced the restaurant
to give me a bartending shift,

so I need to practice mixing drinks.

The key to acquiring proficiency

in any task is repetition.

With certain obvious exceptions.

Suicide, for example.

So, Leonard, how about it?

We'd love to help you, but Raj
is going through some stuff right now,

besides, he doesn't drink, so...


Raj is going through
some stuff right now

and he'd like to take up drinking.

Here you go, Leonard.
One Tequila Sunrise.

Thank you.

This drink is a wonderful example

of how liquids with different
specific gravities

interact in a cylindrical container.

Thank you.

Okay, Raj, what'll it be?

Whatever you recommend.

How about a Grasshopper?
I make a mean Grasshopper.

Okay? Good. Coming up.

Sheldon, what are you going to have?

I'll have a Diet Coke.

Can you please order a cocktail?
I need to practice mixing drinks.

I'll have a Virgin Cuba Libre.

That's, rum and Coke
without the rum.


So... Coke.


And would you make it diet?

There's a can in the fridge.

A Cuba Libre traditionally comes
in a tall glass with a lime wedge.

Then swim to Cuba.

Bartenders are supposed
to have people skills.

Raj, here you go.

All right.
Who's next?

I'd like to try
a Slippery Nipple.

Okay, you're cut off.

Anybody need a refill?

Where did my life go, Penny?

One day I'm a carefree bachelor,
and the next I'm married

and driving a minivan
to peewee cricket matches

in suburban New Delhi.

Are you talking to me?

Is the another Penny here?

I had such plans.
I had dreams.

I was going to be the Indira Gandhi
of particle astrophysics.

But with a penis, of course.

- Amazing.
- Ever since I was a little boy,

my father wanted me to be
a gynecologist like him.

How can I be a gynecologist?
I can barely look a woman in the eye!

You know what?

I'm not going to let my parents
control my future any longer.

It's time for a showdown.

Somebody give me a computer
with a webcam!

Sweetie, I think
that's the Grasshopper talking.

And it's about to tell my parents

that I'm not riding an elephant
down the aisle with Lalita Gupta.

Okay, calm down.

No one can make you get married.

Why don't you just meet this girl
and see what happens?

Haven't you been listening to me?
I cannot talk to women.

No, no, let's see
how long it takes him.

Raj, honey,

you say you can't talk to women,
but you've been talking to me.

And now we'll never know.

You're right.

I am talking to you.

Hello, Penny, how are you?

- I'm fine.
- Okay, now I just need

to make sure I have a Lalita
before I meet the Grasshopper.

It's a sweet, green miracle.

If you're going to drink on this date,
just promise me you won't overdo it.

Overdo what?



This warm glow inside of me

that promises everything's
going to be all hunky-dunky?

Yeah, that.
Why don't you bring her to my restaurant

while I'm tending the bar
so I can keep an eye on you.

What's the plan here?

Let's say he meets her,
he likes her, they get married.

What's he going to do,
stay drunk for the rest of his life?

Worked for my parents.

I can't believe I'm sitting here
next to little Lalita Gupta.

Well, you are.

Little Lalita.

That's kind of fun to say.

Little Lalita, little
Lalita, little Lalita.

- You should try it.
- Oh, it's okay.

You have lost so much weight.

That must have been difficult for you
because you were so, so fat.

Do you remember?

Yes, I do.

Of course you do.
Who could forget being that fat?

I've been trying.

So you're a dental student.

Are you aware that dentists
have an extremely high suicide rate?

Not as high as, say,
air traffic controllers,

but there are far more dentists
than air traffic controllers,

so in pure numbers,
you're still winning.

Yay, me.

Do you have a drink that will
make him less obnoxious?

Drinks do not work that way.

I'd say he's doing fine.
Look at her.

The last girl my mom set me up with
had a mustache and a vestigial tail.

- Sorry I'm late.
- What happened?

I just really didn't want to come.

Virgin diet Cuba Libre, please.

In a tall glass
with a lime wedge.

Oh, I'll wedge it right in there.

So how's Koothrappali...

Oh, my Lord.

- What?
- That's Princess Panchali.

I'm pretty sure her name's Lalita.

No, no, Princess Panchali,
fromThe Monkey and the Princess.

Oh, yeah. I tried to watch that online,
but they wanted my credit card.

It's a children's story.

Oh, no, it isn't.

When I was a little boy and got sick,
which was most of the time,

my mother would read it to me.

It's about an Indian princess
who befriends a monkey

who was mocked by all the other monkeys
because he was different.

For some reason,
I related to it quite strongly.

I know the reason.

We all know the reason.

Sheldon, what are you getting at?

That woman looks
exactly like the pictures

of Princess Panchali in the book.

How often does one see a beloved
fictional character come to life?

Every year at Comic-Con.

Every day at Disneyland.

You can hire Snow White
to come to your house.

Of course, they prefer it
if you have a kid.

Hey, guys.
This is Lalita Gupta.

Lalita, this is Leonard

and Sheldon
and Howard and Penny.

Isn't it great?
She isn't fat anymore.

"Forgive me, Your Highness,
for I am but a monkey,

"and it is in my nature to climb.

"I did not mean to gaze upon you

as you comb your hair."

I'm sorry?

You are the living embodiment
of the beautiful Princess Panchali.

Oh, no kidding.

Who is that?

A beloved character
from an Indian folktale.

Us Indian or
"Come to our casino" Indian?

You Indian.

The resemblance is remarkable.

I can practically smell
the lotus blossoms

woven into your ebony hair.

Well, thanks.

I imagine you smell very nice, too.

I shower twice a day and wash
my hands as often as I can.

Really? So do I.

But you're a dentist.
He's nuts.

Don't be insulting, Rajesh.

So, Sheldon,

tell me more about this princess
you say I look like.

It was said that the gods
fashioned her eyes out of the stars

and that roses were ashamed to bloom
in the presence of her ruby lips.

- Oh, my.
- Back off, Sheldon.


If you do not stop hitting on my lady,
you'll feel the full extent of my wrath.

I'm not hitting on her.

And I am not your lady.

And you have no wrath.

You are my lady.
Our parents said so.

We are, for all intents
and purposes, 100% hooked up.

Let's get something straight here.

The only reason I came tonight
was to get my parents off my case.

I certainly don't need to be getting
this Old World crap from you.

That's exactly the kind of spirit

with which Princess Panchali
led the monkeys to freedom.

- Screw Princess Panchali.
- You can't talk to me like that.

But you're not Princess Panchali.

Luckily for you--
she could have you beheaded.

Sheldon, are you hungry?

- I could eat.
- Let's go.

What just happened?

Beats the hell out of me.

I'll tell you what happened. I just
learned how to pick up Indian chicks.

What are we supposed to say
to Lalita's parents?

I play golf with her father.
I won't be able to look at him.

Maybe you should keep your eye
on the ball, Papa.

Oh, now you're a funny man.

This is not funny, Mr. Funny Man.

Dr. and Mrs. Koothrappali,

in all fairness,
it wasn't entirely Raj's fault.

This is a family matter, Sheldon.

I'm Leonard.

You all look alike to us.

But he's right, Papa.
Listen to him.

You! You are the one
who ruined everything.

Who is it?
We can't see.

Turn us.
Turn us!

Go ahead, tell my parents
why they won't have any grandchildren.

How would I know?
Do you have a low sperm count?

This has nothing to do
with my sperm count.

You are wearing the boxers
that we sent you, aren't you?

- Yes, Mumi.
- Because you know what happens

to the samosas
when you wear tighty-whities.

Can we please stop talking
about my testicles?

Sheldon, tell them what you did.

What did I do?

You left with his date.

Friends don't do that to each other.

All right, noted.


That's all you can say is sorry?

Take it.
It's more than I've ever gotten.

May I point out,

she wouldn't have asked me to go with
her if you hadn't been drunk and boring.

- Drunk?
- And boring-- her words.

I knew it. He moves to America
and he becomes an alcoholic.

I'm not an alcoholic.

Then why were you drunk?

- It was just this one time, I swear.
- Are you in denial?

Do we have to come over
and do an intervention?

Don't embarrass him
in front of his friends.

All right.
Carry us outside.

We want to talk to you in private.

- But, Papa, please...
- Now, Rajesh!

I have to go.

Now, listen to me...

At least wait till I get into the hall.

Okay, well, good night.

Hold on.

What happened
with you and Lalita?

We ate,
she lectured me

on the link between gum disease
and heart attacks--

nothing I didn't already know--
and I came home.

So you're not going
to see her again?

Why would I see her again?

I already have a dentist.

I wonder who's going to tell his parents
they're not having grandchildren?

I don't believe it.
What's gotten into him?

Oh, maybe a couple
virgin Cuba Libres

that turned out
to be kind of slutty.

You didn't.

You do your experiments.
I do mine.