The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Middle Earth Paradigm - full transcript

The guys are invited to Penny's Halloween party, where Leonard has yet another run-in with Penny's ex-boyfriend Kurt.

Okay, if no one else will say it, I will.

We really suck at paintball.

That was absolutely humiliating.

LEONARD: Oh, come on. Some battles
you win, some battles you lose.

HOWARD: Yes, but you don't have to lose
to Kyle Bernstein's bar mitzvah party.

I think we have to acknowledge, those were
some fairly savage preadolescent Jews.

No, we were annihilated
by our own incompetence...

...and the inability of some people
to follow the chain of command.

Sheldon, let it go.

No, I wanna talk about the fact
that Wolowitz shot me in the back.

I shot you for a good reason.
You were leading us into disaster.

I was giving clear, concise orders.

You hid behind a tree yelling:

"Get the kid in the yarmulke!
Get the kid in the yarmulke!"

- Oh, hey, guys.
- Oh, hey, Penny.

- Hello.
- Morning, ma'am.

So how was paintball?
Did you have fun?

Sure, if you consider being fragged
by your own troops fun.

You clear a space on your calendar.
There will be an inquiry.

Okay. Um...

I'm having a party on Saturday,
so if you're around, come by.

- A party?
- Yeah.

A boy-girl party?

There will be boys
and there will be girls...

...and it is a party, so...

Just a bunch of my friends,
have some beer, do a little dancing.

- Dancing?
- Yeah.

- I don't know, Penny...
- Thing is, we're not...

- We're really more of a...
- No.

But thanks.
Thanks for thinking of us.

Are you sure? It's Halloween.

A Halloween party?

As in costumes?

Well, yeah.

Is there a theme?

Um, yeah, Halloween.

Yes, but are the costumes random
or genre-specific?

As usual, I'm not following.

He's asking if we can come as anyone
from science fiction...

- ...fantasy...
- Sure.

- Comic books?
- Fine.

- Anime?
- Of course.

TV, film, D&D, manga.
Greek, Roman, Norse gods...

Anything you want.

Okay? Any costume you want.


Gentlemen, to the sewing machines.


I'll get it.


Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Make way for the fastest man alive.

Oh, no.

See, this is why I wanted
to have a costume meeting.

We all have other costumes.
We can change.

Or we could walk right
behind each other all night.

It'll look like one person
going really fast.

No, no, no.

It's a boy-girl party,
this Flash runs solo.

Okay, how about this?
Nobody gets to be the Flash.

We all change. Agreed?


I call Frodo!



Sorry I'm late, but my hammer got stuck
in the door on the bus.

- You went with Thor?
- What?

Just because I'm Indian,
I can't be a Norse god?

No, no, no, Raj has to be an Indian god.

That's racism.

I mean, look at Wolowitz. He's not English,
but he's dressed like Peter Pan.

Sheldon is neither sound nor light,
but he's obviously the Doppler effect.

- I'm not Peter Pan, I'm Robin Hood.
- Really?

Because I saw Peter Pan
and you're dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby.

She was a little bigger than you,
but it's basically the same look, man.

Sheldon, there's something
I wanna talk to you about before we go.

I don't care if anybody gets it,
I'm going as the Doppler effect.

- No, it's not that...
- If I have to, I can demonstrate: Vroom.

Terrific. Um...

This party is my first chance for Penny... see me in the context
of her social group...

...and I need you not
to embarrass me tonight.

What exactly do you mean
by embarrass you?

For example, tonight, no one needs to know
that my middle name is Leakey.

But there's nothing embarrassing
about that.

Your father worked with Louis Leakey,
a great anthropologist.

It had nothing to do
with your bed-wetting.

All I'm saying is that this party
is the perfect opportunity...

...for Penny to see me
as a member of her peer group...

...a potential close friend
and perhaps more.

I don't wanna look like a dork.

Just a heads up, fellas,
if anyone gets lucky...

...I've got a dozen condoms in my quiver.

Oh, hey, guys.

Hey, sorry we're late.

Late? It's 7:05.

And you said the party starts at 7.

Yeah, I mean, when you start a party at 7,
no one shows up at, you know, 7.

It's 7:05.

Yes, yes, it is.

Okay, well, um, come on in.

What, are all the girls in the bathroom?

Probably, but in their own homes.

So, what time
does the costume parade start?

The parade?

Yeah, so the judges can give out
the prizes for best costume.

Most frightening, most authentic...

...most accurate visualization
of a scientific principle.

Oh, Sheldon, I'm sorry...

...but there aren't gonna be any parades
or judges or prizes.

This party is just going to suck.

No, come on, it's gonna be fun.
And you all look great.

I mean, look at you, Thor,
and, oh, Peter Pan.

That's so cute.

- Actually, Penny, he's Robin...
- I'm Peter Pan.

And I've got a handful of pixie dust
with your name on it.

No, you don't.

- Hey, what's Sheldon supposed to be?
- Oh, he's the Doppler effect.

Yes, it's the apparent change
in the frequency of a wave...

...caused by relative motion between
the source of the wave and the observer.

Oh, sure, I see it now.
The Doppler effect.

All right, I gotta shower. You guys,
um, make yourselves comfortable.


See? People get it.



Mm. By Odin's beard,
this is good Chex Mix.

No, thanks. Peanuts.

I can't afford to swell up in these tights.

I'm confused.

If there's no costume parade,
what are we doing here?

We're socializing, meeting new people.


- Oh, hey. When did you get here?

Penny is wearing the worst
Catwoman costume I've ever seen.

And that includes Halle Berry's.

She's not Catwoman.
She's just a generic cat.

And that's the kind
of sloppy costuming...

...which results
from a lack of rules and competition.

Hey, guys, check out the sexy nurse.

I believe it's time for me
to turn my head and cough.

- What is your move?
- I'm going to use the mirror technique.

She brushes her hair back, I brush mine.
She shrugs, I shrug.

Subconsciously, she's thinking,
"We're in sync. We belong together."

Where do you get this stuff?

You know, psychology journals,
Internet research.

And there's this great show on VH1
about how to pick up girls.

Oh, if only I had his confidence.

I have such difficulty
speaking to women...

...or around women,
or at times even effeminate men.

If that's a working stethoscope...

...maybe you'd like to hear
my heart skip a beat.

No, thanks.

No, seriously, you can.
I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.


So take my money

Take my money

I wanna get to know Penny's friends.
I just...

I don't know
how to talk to these people.

- Well, I actually might be able to help.
- How so?

Like Jane Goodall observing the apes...

...I initially saw their interactions
as confusing and unstructured.

But patterns emerge.

They have their own language,
if you will.

Go on.

Well, it seems that the newcomer
approaches the existing group...

...with the greeting,
"How wasted am I?"

Which is met
with an approving chorus of "Dude."

Then what happens?

That's as far as I've gotten.

This is ridiculous.

- I'm jumping in.
- Good luck.

No, you're coming with me.

Oh, I hardly think so.

Come on.

- Aren't you afraid I'll embarrass you?
- Yes, but I need a wingman.

All right, but if we're going
to use flight metaphors...

...I'm much more suited to being the guy
from the FAA analyzing wreckage.

Oh, hi.

- Hi.
- Hello.

So, what are you supposed to be?


I'll give you a hint.


A choo-choo train?



A brain-damaged choo-choo train?

How wasted am I?

Dancing all by myself

Cannot control the beat
When you make me weak



I still don't get it.

I'm the Doppler effect.

Okay, if that is some sort
of learning disability...

...I think it's very insensitive.

Why don't you just tell people
you're a zebra?

Why don't you just tell people
you're one of the seven dwarves?

Because I'm Frodo.

Yes, well, I'm the Doppler effect.

- Oh, no.
- What?

That's Penny's ex-boyfriend.

What do you suppose he's doing here?

Besides disrupting the local gravity field.

If he were any bigger,
he'd have moons orbiting him.

- Oh, snap.
- Ha-ha.

So I guess we'll be leaving now.

Why should we leave?

For all we know, he crashed the party
and Penny doesn't even want him here.

You have a backup hypothesis?

Maybe they just wanna be friends.

Or maybe she wants to be friends
and he wants something more.

Then he and I are on equal ground.

Yes, but you're much closer to it
than he is.

Look, if this was 15,000 years ago,
by virtue of his size and strength...

...Kurt would be entitled
to his choice of female partners.

And male partners, animal partners,
large primordial eggplants...

...pretty much
whatever tickled his fancy.

Yes, but our society
has undergone a paradigm shift.

In the information age, Sheldon,
you and I are the alpha males.

- And we shouldn't have to back down.
- True.

Why don't you text him that
and see if he backs down?


I'm going to assert
my dominance face to face.

Face to face?

Are you gonna wait for him to sit down
or you gonna stand on the coffee table?

Hello, Penny. Hello, Kurt.

Oh, hey, guys.
You having a good time?

Given the reaction to my costume...

...this party is a scathing indictment
of the American education system.

What? You're a zebra, right?

Yet another child left behind.

And what are you supposed to be,
an elf?

No, I'm a hobbit.

What's the difference?

A hobbit is a mortal, halfling inhabitant
of Middle-earth...

...whereas an elf
is an immortal, tall warrior.

So why the hell
would you wanna be a hobbit?

Because he's neither tall nor immortal,
and none of us could be the Flash.

Well, whatever. Why don't you go hop off
on a quest? I'm talking to Penny here.

I think we're all talking to Penny here.

I'm not. No offense.

Okay, maybe you didn't hear me.

- Go away.
- All right, Kurt, be nice.

Oh, I am being nice.

Right, little buddy?

- Kurt.
- Okay.

I understand your impulse
to try to physically intimidate me.

You can't compete with me
on an intellectual level...

...and so you're driven
to animalistic puffery.

You calling me a puffy animal?

Oh, of course not.

No, he's not. You're not, right, Leonard?

No, I said animalistic.

Of course, we're all animals...

...but some of us have climbed
a little higher on the evolutionary tree.

If he understands that, you're in trouble.

So what? I'm unevolved?

You're in trouble.

You know, you use a lot of big words
for such a little dwarf.

Okay, Kurt, please.

Look, Penny, it's okay.

I can handle this.

I am not a dwarf, I'm a hobbit.

A hobbit.

Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus
preventing the conversion...

...from short-term to long-term memory?


Okay, now you're starting
to make me mad.

A Homo habilis discovering
his opposable thumbs says, "What?"

- What?
- Ha-ha.

I think I've made my point.

Yeah? How about I make a point
out of your pointy little head?

Let me remind you, while my moral support
is absolute, in a physical confrontation...

...I will be less than useless.

There's not going to be a confrontation.

In fact, I doubt
if he can even spell confrontation.



- Kurt, put him down this instant.
- He started it.

I don't care, I'm finishing it.
Put him down.


You're one lucky little leprechaun.

He's a hobbit.

I got your back.

Leonard, are you okay?

Yeah, no, I'm fine.

I can't afford you

It's a good party. Thanks for having...
It's just getting a little late, so...

Oh. Okay. All right.
Well, thank you for coming.

I had nothing to do with

Happy Halloween.

If it's any consolation...

...I thought that Homo habilis line
really put him in his place.

- What's that?
- Tea.

When people are upset...

...the cultural convention
is to bring them hot beverages.

There, there.

You wanna talk about it?

- No.
- Good.

"There, there" was really all I had.

- Good night, Sheldon.
- Good night, Leonard.


- Hey, Leonard?
- Hi, Penny.

Hey, I just wanted to make sure
you were okay.

I'm fine.

I am so sorry about what happened.

It's not your fault.

Yes, it is.
That's why I broke up with him.

He always does stuff like that.

So why was he at your party?

Well, I ran into him last week...

...and he was just all apologetic
about how he's changed.

He was just going on and on,
and I believed him.

And I'm an idiot,
because I always believe guys like that.

And I can't go back to my party
because he's there.

And I know you don't wanna hear this. I'm
upset and really drunk and I just wanna...


There, there.

God, what is wrong with me?

Nothing, you're perfect.

Ecch. I'm not perfect.

Yes, you are.

You really think so, don't you?

- Penny?
- Yeah?

How much have you had
to drink tonight?

Just... a lot.

Are you sure that your being drunk
and your being angry with Kurt...

...doesn't have something to do
with what's going on here?

It might.


Boy, you're really smart.

Yeah, I'm a freaking genius.

Leonard, you are so great.

Why can't all guys be like you?

Because if all guys were like me,
the human race couldn't survive.

I should probably go.


Thank you.

That's right, you saw what you saw.

That's how we roll in the Shire.



Hey, have you seen Koothrappali?

He's not here.

Maybe the Avengers summoned him.

He's not the Marvel Comics Thor,
he's the original Norse god.

Thank you for the clarification.

- I'm supposed to give him a ride home.
- I'm sure he'll be fine.

He has his hammer.


I have to say, you are an amazing man.

You're gentle and passionate.

And, my God,
you are such a good listener.

[English - US - SDH]