Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 7, Episode 6 - A Coquettish Fascinator - full transcript
It's the 50th episode and everyone is in a festive mood, but all they'll get from the Taskmaster is even more tough challenges, including the one where they have to come up with and film an intense soap opera cliffhanger ending.
Ah!
HE LAUGHS
AIRHORN BLARES
No!
SHE SCREAMS
HE GROANS
SHE LAUGHS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. Thank you. I am Greg Davies
and this, ladies and gentlemen,
it's the 50th ever episode
of Taskmaster.
FANFARE
CHEERING
FANFARE CONTINUES
LAUGHTER
It's going to be one hell
of a night.
Or it might be like any other
episode
but with a few more references
to the number 50.
Let's meet the five trophy-hungry
contestants joining us
to both compete in and celebrate
this auspicious occasion.
They are: James Acaster,
Jessica Knappett,
Kerry Godliman,
Phil Wang,
and Rhod Gilbert.
And next to me for the 50th time -
the 50th time -
he claims that he's 6ft but he's
just below five...
IN BABYISH VOICE: ..little Alex
Horne! Two. 6ft2.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've just got stats. Stats today.
OK.
50 episodes, 35 contestants,
263 tasks,
45 disqualifications,
11 tie-breaks, 228 breaks,
two arm breaks, one marriage,
one Taskmaster baby
and one everlasting friendship.
LAUGHTER
Yeah?
LAUGHTER
Are you allowing that?
You think we're friends, do you?
Forever.
I don't think you could tell me one
thing about my life
outside of this show.
What car have I got?
A car? A Honda.
No!
So, on with the 50th special one.
Right. Come on, then.
Let's make this a good one.
I'll try.
And the best possible way to go
about making that happen
would have to be by starting with
the Prize Task
And it's a neat one this week. We've
asked them to bring in the best key.
Kerry, what's the special key you've
brought in?
My special key is the key
to my campervan,
which I'm very excited about.
The key looks like this. Ready for
the campervan? Yeah.
Oh, fucking hell.
LAUGHTER
What do you think a campervan looks
like? I love the key.
What do you expect a campervan
to look like?
You've put this in as a prize
because you don't want to pay
to have it towed away!
THEY LAUGH
My campervan is a thing of joy.
It is?
It's got loads of cupboards
and drawers.
It's like Sylvanians for grown-ups.
OK, just for argument's sake,
Phil, you win this show, what are
you going to do with that van?
Strip it for parts. Thank you.
LAUGHTER
Move on? Let's move on. Fine.
Phil, obviously you've got your eye
on the strip down prize van,
but what did you bring in?
I brought the best key, which is
the G key from a piano.
Here it is.
JESSICA: Nice.
There it is.
It's G, which is the best key. It's
the highest letter on the alphabet
before they gave up and went back
to A, because you can't top a G!
Listen, you know, I like it.
Well, I say that...
Kerry's is better. Now...
HE LAUGHS
I've ripped this with my bare hands
out of a real piano.
I put it to you that that is a...
Yes, and you're right to do
that face.
Two can play that game, Phil.
I put it to you...
LAUGHTER
..that that is a stock library
picture of a... It is not a stock...
No. He did bring in a key, but I
don't know where he got it from.
We shot it nicely, didn't we?
That's going to come off your wage
for this show, young man.
Jess?
I've thought outside the box.
It's called a key...
lime pie.
Brackets - Homemade! Did you really
make it? Yes, I really made it.
If it's a stock library picture, I'm
going to attack Phil. It's not.
You will... I've...
Here it is, here's the pie.
LAUGHTER
"I The Heart Taskmaster."
Yes, OK.
It is "I The Heart Taskmaster!"
But it should say,
I Heart The Taskmaster.
Which it does if you read it
the right way round,
which is the wrong way round.
Did you really make it?
Yes, I really made it.
It looks genuinely delicious.
Well, it genuinely is!
As a special 50th episode
celebration,
I'm going to let Alex eat all of
that pie at the end of the show.
And I mean... BOTH: All of it.
And well he should.
After the show?
No. When the winner goes up to
collect the prizes,
you can eat that entire pie!
OK. OK, good. So I look forward
to that. James Acaster?
I brought in the key to my heart.
He's brought in this.
I love ice cream.
And I hope Alex likes ice cream
with his key lime pie. Yeah.
You are going to be a very full boy!
What we'll have to do, is we'll have
to find out what Rhod's brought in.
Fingers crossed it's better than
a bowl of ice cream.
Of course it's going to be better
than a bowl of ice cream!
I don't think it will be.
Sorry to interrupt,
it's definitely going to come last.
LAUGHTER
Why?
Gut instinct.
Rhodri?
I went a bit outside the box,
as well. Because I thought...
'Can I make a prediction? This is
going to be a picture of me looking
fat.
RHOD SNORTS
Here is Rhod's key.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
WOLF WHISTLE
I thought a key helps you make
sense of things sometimes.
It's probably a weird thing to say,
but it sort of does it for me
as a picture.
So, who's in last place?
Oh, well, James is in last place.
Bringing a bowl of ice cream in!
One point to James Acaster.
Based on the fact that I still
believe that's a library picture
of a piano key, I'm giving Phil
two points.
Which it's not, but fine. OK.
So, second to last.
If it's proved otherwise to me, if I
see the physical proof of the key...
You will at the end of the show.
..I'll give him a bonus point.
We all know the prizes come up at
the end, definitely going to see it.
No, I thought it might be a
picture of the key.
You think that's going to go up
and it's like Bullseye -
there's going to be a fucking
campervan up there?
LAUGHTER
That is a good point.
Two for Phil. Two points for
Phil Wang. That's right.
Third place with three points, just
because he's been so gobby
in the last two minutes,
Rhod Gilbert. OK.
He's standing up, now.
AUDIENCE BOOS
Ooh!
Jess, I'm giving you four points
because the pie looks nice
and I can't wait to see this prick
eat it!
I'll take it. Have we all been
beaten by the campervan?
Yeah, we fucking have.
It would appear so!
SHE LAUGHS
Five points to Kerry. There.
Yes! Kerry wins the task.
We are shifting now, aren't we? Yes.
What do you have ready and waiting
in the wings for us, Alex? I have
something very apt for episode 50.
Ready? Yeah.
Here we go.
Hello, James.
Ah!
Put exactly 50 different things
in this bin.
Fastest wins.
Your time stops when you say,
"I've put exactly 50 different
things in this bin."
Fit Alex in this bin,
roll him down the hill,
fastest wins!
LAUGHTER
That was a wind up. Get used
to them.
What does the last bit say?
The last bit says...
Your time starts when Alex...
Touches you on the shoulder.
Oh, God! Ugh!
I thought you might run!
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Time starts now, James.
Oh.
I can't go any longer.
I've started the clock. I've started
the clock.
Your time's started, Rhod.
Ugh!
Right, now it's thinking time.
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
APPLAUSE
It's nice for us to fall into
the stereotypes there.
Oh, I can get extra time here,
I could get extra time.
And those two - it worked - but
not for Granddad, did it?
Yes, so this is actually a two-part
task,
but we're going to deal with each
part separately, Greg.
First, let's see how they gathered
their items. Ready? Yes. Here we go.
Right. One at a time, is it?
One... For now. One.
One potato.
Two.
Three, four, five, six...
seven.
Oh, hold on. What am I doing?
LAUGHTER
Eight, nine...
Ten, 11, 12...
13, 14, 15...
16, 17, 18...
19, 20, 21, 22...
23, 24...
25, 26...
27, 28...
29...
30.
31...
32, three, four...
35, 36...
37, 38, 39...
40.
41, 42...
43...
45...
Oh!
44!
45...
46...
47...
48... 49...
50.
I put exactly 50 things in this bin!
Suck it!
I put exactly 50 different things
in this bin.
I put exactly 50 different things
in this bin.
I've put 50 things in this bin.
I've put exactly 50 different...
Different things!
SHE LAUGHS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
Right, we need to nip a potential
argument in the bud here, I think,
with the definition of different
things.
Well, all of them put two of the
same things in, except for Phil.
All 50 of Phil's were different,
but I suppose you could say that
the stones were all different,
the oranges were... They're
different stones from each other.
But Phil was the only one who made
the effort
to put 50 totally different things
in.
And that is reflected in the time.
LAUGHTER
Just while I'm thinking about this,
erm...
do you want to explain "Suck it!"
Why I shouted suck it at the end?
Yeah.
I felt good.
But who was it directed at?
Just everyone in general.
Suck it.
Everyone - you two and Wolf from
Gladiators and...
the cat bin lady - everyone.
Tell us the time.
Well, Jess took 2mins 52secs.
Going back-and-forth to the shed,
instead of bringing the bin
to the shed.
Rhod was very tired, of course,
2mins 30secs.
Kerry - potato, then mainly fruit -
1min 27secs.
James, 58 seconds - just the stones.
Woah!
Stones and one ukulele.
Phil, who's traditionally slow,
this time really slow, 6mins 57secs.
LAUGHTER
So, are we rewarding them for speed
or does Phil get any special...
I think it's all about speed.
If there's a piano key up there,
'I'm not going to give him a bonus
point, but I'm going to secure him
one now
for putting 50 different things in,
cos I think it needs rewarding.
'Phil was the slowest, so he gets one
point, but you're giving him a bonus
point... He gets twopoints.
OK. Then Jessica's two points,
three points to Rhod, Kerry, four,
but James wins the first part of
the task and gets five points.
Incredibly.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right, that's it, my friends.
It's the end of the first part
of this special half-century
episode.
So, go do your business and come
back here
when you've cleaned up!
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, everyone. It's part two of
our 50th show together
and yet I still don't feel like
I know you.
Maybe you never will, Greg.
Maybe you never will.
So, can we now see the other part
of this task, please, Alex?
Yes, there was more to this than
just gathering 50 things.
Here's the next bit
of the task.
I recognise these guys. Coincidence?
I don't think so!
These are the things I put in
the bin.
Right, I'm going to open this and
then I'm going to have a rest.
Using all the items on this mat...
Make the best picture of
the Taskmaster.
You have ten minutes, your time
starts now!
You want me to do a picture of the
escaped Easter Island monument
that you call the Taskmaster?
LAUGHTER
Oh, shit! I should have gone for
something more varied than this.
Your time starts now.
Well, I've got lots of red
for the mouth.
OK, these are going to be eyebrows,
he's quite frowny, isn't he?
He's got one of those... Has he got
one of those bum chins?
Can I break this?
You can do whatever you want.
I've just noticed just quite how
much my bulge is pushing out.
Bulge?
My bulge.
His teeth are definitely a green or
brown, but his eyes are blue.
Here's one of his little pencil
legs, down there. Mm-hm.
His legs are absurdly out
of proportion.
This is quite good. It's quite
Picasso-esque. It's so Greg.
Arms, I forgot!
Shit!
Does he have arms?
Yeah, he does, but he doesn't
use them.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Mm. Thank you, Phil. Pleasure, guys.
Ah!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
'Does anyone want to talk through
their workings? They all said you
had angry eyebrows,
you're frowny, you're not very
smiley
and Phil said, "I wish I'd filled
the bin with pasty-coloured things!"
LAUGHTER
Don't, er... Thanks for that extra
point, Greg. Erm...
Enjoy it. Really enjoy it.
Suck it, in fact.
Well, let's start. I'll show you
what Rhod and Kerry
put in their bins and then what
they did with it. Let's do it.
This is their raw ingredients,
Rhod and Kerry,
and this is what they ended up with.
LAUGHTER
'Pretty flattering. Yeah, and I
haven't got a problem, weirdly,
with having no arms.
Even though you had plenty of leaves
to make arms with,
but you focused on them going
on my stomach.
Well, if I'd have given you arms,
I'd have had to made you look thin!
'And I think you'd agree, it's better
like this with you fat and no
arms...
Well, there's some fascinating
decisions by you, Kerry.
Because as the neck demonstrates,
there were enough oranges
to give me two legs that are
the same width!
So you went, if I'm really going to
make it look like him,
I'm going to have to get that
withered leg in place...
early doors.
LAUGHTER
I wasn't thinking like that,
that wasn't a conscious decision.
What's the silver bowl?
It's a little fascinator.
A little coquettish fascinator.
Yes. You're going to a wedding.
Ah! "Congratulations on your
wedding!"
"Are you wearing a fascinator,
Greg?"
"Shh-shh, it's not about me, it's
not about me."
"Can you help me through this door?"
"Why?"
"Because one of my legs is
withered."
LAUGHTER
Who's next, please, Alex? Now we get
to see Jess and Phil's masterpieces.
This is what they were working with
and this is what they mustered up.
Here we go.
LAUGHTER
That is really, seriously good.
That is brilliant.
I'm sorry, did you mishear and think
it was a portrait of me
after I'd fallen out of a pine tree?
It's an Angry Bird Pig.
Oh, in that case, full marks.
Because that's the look I've been
trying to perfect for years.
Jess? What's so worrying is I was so
proud of that when I made it.
I honestly thought it was really
good.
What the hell is that oblong
on my face?
More to the point, there's paint!
So I could have used the paint!
Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER
You're the only one who put art
materials in.
And then just used them as
the top of my head!
There's one more. Right, we've
secured last place,
but let's have a look.
OK.
This is what James Acaster,
Portrait Artist Of The Year,
was working with.
He transformed that into these.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That's good.
I was really pleased with it.
I went into that room and saw what
I had to work with
and I was really scared.
And then you smashed up the ukulele.
I smashed it up and I was amazed.
With each smash,
it just came off like a perfect part
of your body.
That is an incredible piece of work.
What I think is delightful
and incredible
is that you have managed to show
the fear in Alex's face.
Do you want to see all five together
and you can judge them? I do.
OK, so here's the five Greg faces.
And I'm going to judge this
based on which ones I think look
most like me. OK.
I'm sorry, Phil... What?! I'm sorry.
This is just a leafy duck!
What is this?!
That's shit, that's really bad.
Please.
I've been very kind to you, I think
I've been very generous. Charitable.
I gave you a bonus point, I never
give bonus points out... Never.
..but I've got to look at that
and say that's deeply hurtful.
It's a mental pig.
And I'm giving you one point.
One point to Phil.
And purely... Two points, purely
based on the fact
that I haven't got an oblong on
the side of my face,
I'm giving two points to Jessica.
Two to Jess. Thank you.
That's second last place.
Third place?
I've worked very hard on my withered
leg, very hard.
I'm giving you three points.
Three to Kerry. To Kerry.
So it's between Rhod and James.
Yeah. Well, I think... What?!
How?!
I think that... Sorry! ..Rhod has
captured of the essence of the anger
I feel when Rhod walks into a room.
A sort of dark...
'I was doing you just after I'd
walked into a room. There you go.
Four points.
But Jesus Christ, if I could give
you ten, I would.
Five points for James.
OK, five points for James.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Scoreboard me up.
OK.
Do you want an update on the series
at this point? Yes, please.
We're over half way.
Two members of the contestant team
are in triple figures.
Phil's on 73.
Oh, no!
RHOD SPLUTTERS
73. James, 93. Rhod, 95.
Jess, 101. Kerry's on 105, in the
lead, at the moment.
TOGETHER: Ooh!
GREG WHISTLES
In this episode: Phil, again, adrift
on five.
At the other end, again, Kerry's on
12, James is on 11.
That's where we are at this moment
in time.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I would very much enjoy seeing
another task.
OK, I thought you would. OK, we have
one right here and this one is...
DRAMATIC HEARTBEAT
..the next task.
Watch your head, Kez.
Ooh! Oh!
Hello. Sunshine!
Hello.
Hello.
Oh, hey, Al...ex
Do it. I'm doing it. It's on a
hanger. It is on ribbons.
Is it a clue?
Oh, God.
Oh!
Write and perform the most
suspenseful...
..soap opera cliffhanger.
Your scene may last no more
than one minute.
You have 30 minutes...
How many?
30 minutes to write a one minute
scene.
Your time starts now.
Right.
Write and perform.
I've already written mine. In my
head, Phil's pregnant. Yeah, OK.
Does he keep it?
One of us has got the other one
pregnant.
That doesn't work, does it?
I'd quite like to do a fight.
Yeah, we should definitely have
a catfight.
So, one of us is pregnant... How are
your, erm...? Stage fighting?
Oh, you went the wrong way!
LAUGHTER
She was very happy!
I may have implied from time to time
during this series
that Kerry Godliman takes on the
persona of Phil Mitchell
in her approach to tasks.
Which is sometimes,
'IN COCKNEY ACCENT: "Right, I see
what we're doing. Fuck, let's do it.
Bosh."
Be interesting to see which way
you go when offered up.
Oh, the suspense!
LAUGHTER
Don't turn your back on me, don't
you even think about it.
Oh, go on, then. Go and see some
adverts. See you soon.
It's part three. Welcome back.
Or more like party three!
'Because we're having a whale of a
time, aren't we, on our 50th
episode?
Oh, man. There's a killer vibe in
our crib right now(!)
So, before the break, a team task
was taking place
where they had to write and perform
the most suspenseful soap opera
cliffhanger.
Right, bosh. Who are we seeing
first?
OK, the first cliffhanger we're
going to see is...
DRAMATIC HEARTBEAT
..the boys' attempt.
PHIL WHISTLES
KNOCK ON DOOR
Philippa?!
Open this door!
Open this...
door!
What have you been doing in here?
And what have I told you about
locking doors in this house?
We don't have locked doors
in this house.
I've been waiting downstairs for you
nine months.
You've not been out of this bath
for nine months.
What are you playing at? I've been
waiting for my dinner, I'm starving!
Meanwhile, you're in here and you're
getting fatter, if anything.
Have you eaten all the food, is that
what you've been doing?
Nine months in the bath, eating all
my dinner.
What have you got to say for
yourself?
James, no.
James, I'm not fat,
I'm pregnant.
Really? I'm going to be a dad?
Well, if you're going to bring our
little bubba into the world
then I'm going to make an honest
woman of you.
Philippa, will you marry me?
If I'm going to be an honest woman,
James,
then I'd better start telling
the truth.
There's someone else.
Who?
HE GASPS
Rub-a-dub-dub.
Oh, you little...
My water's broken.
My heart is broken.
Rub-a-dub-dub?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
"Rub-a-dub-dub"!
Am I right in thinking that the
premise of your soap opera
is that a woman has been sitting in
the bath for nine months...
LAUGHTER
..gestating a baby?
That's right, yes. Yes. OK.
And having an affair at the same
time.
OK. No, wait.
The husband's clearly agitated.
I was very wound up.
What's he been doing for nine
months?
He's been downstairs waiting
for his dinner.
Did you give your nasty, misogynist
character a name?
Er...Gus. Gus.
LAUGHTER
Gus? Yeah. He's come in, he's
furious... Agh, yeah!
..because she's a woman, she should
have provided your food. Yeah.
You've been waiting for nine months,
you're nearly dead. Yes.
She then tells you she's pregnant.
Yes, Philippa.
Philip, sorry.
That's OK.
And then there's a touching moment
between Philippa and Gus.
Yeah, we finally break through.
I thought that bit of acting was...
Yeah?
..OK.
And this is where the real
twist comes.
The lover is revealed.
Lovely cliffhanger. Yes.
But I'm confused.
Rhod's character's only vocabulary
in the whole scene,
is the phrase rub-a-dub-dub!
LAUGHTER
Would it help if I told you that
their soap is called Feelings
and there is a theme tune to it?
Can we see it?
Yeah, this is the theme tune
to Feelings. OK.
TOGETHER: # Everybody's got
feelings
# Feelings hurt and feel good
# Everybody's got feelings
# Feelings hurt and feel good
Good #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Rub-a-dub-dub!
Who's next, please, Alex?
Next up are ladies with an excerpt
from their gritty soap opera
called Cul de Sac.
ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS
I know he's in there, Donna!
'ow'd you find me?
Google Maps.
What do you want?
You ever heard of manners?
You ever heard of oral hygiene?
Ugh!
SHE YELLS
Ugh!
SHE SCREAMS
He's the best I ever had, Donna!
You can't be with him, Donna.
Why?!
Cos you're his mum!
DOOR OPENS
LAUGHTER
SHE RETCHES
AUDIENCE GROANS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, I don't want to state
the obvious,
but your character's been having sex
with her own son.
LAUGHTER
That's why she threw up.
Oh, you puked because you'd had sex
with your own son?
Yeah, because it's quite unsettling,
isn't it? Oh!
I thought it was because
it was Alex!
Why would he say that?
Why would he say that?
That's mean, isn't it?
Is he being mean?
That is mean. PHIL: I would say for
a soap opera - not very much soap.
However, in ours...
'The definition of a cliffhanger is a
dramatic and exciting ending to an
episode,
'leaving the audience in suspense and
anxious not to miss the next
episode.
We did that. OK, it's a
simple as this,
Cul de Sac had some powerful acting
in it... It did. Thank you.
..but the main reason I'm going to
give the boys one more point
is because... Unbelievable.
I'm agog.
..is because... BOTH: Everybody's
got feelings!
The boys get three points,
there we go.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good. Let's have another task.
OK, and it's been noted that
this series and last
you've started to wear glasses
and I think they look fine,
so here's the next task.
Hiya.
Hi, Alex.
Hello, Jess.
Oh, I love boxes inside boxes.
What does that say there?
C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.
Random.
Not random, they're in order.
Yeah.
In the lab, there are ten pairs
of glasses,
the pairs of glasses may not leave
the lab.
Without breaking any of the pairs
of glasses,
put all the pairs of glasses into
the smallest of these boxes.
You must select your box before
leaving the caravan
and may not then change your mind.
The smallest box containing all
the pairs of glasses
with the lid shut properly wins.
That's nuts!
You have a maximum total time of
five minutes. Your time starts now.
What?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Befuddled old man!
Yeah!
So, it's pretty straightforward,
right?
Yeah, they had to choose which box
they thought they could fit ten
pairs of glasses in. Yeah.
The smallest box that successfully
was packaged
with those glasses wins.
Does that make sense? Yeah.
OK, we're going to start with James
and Kerry.
Ten pairs of glasses...
I reckon they'll go in there.
Go?
Yes, please.
Yeah, yeah. Of course, it is.
Pairs of glasses.
I didn't see this coming.
Oh! Do you know what I had
in my head?
Pairs of glasses.
Did you?
Oh, I don't know why I had that
in my head.
That's more pairs than I thought
I'd get.
I'm now doing a thing knowing that
it's not going to work out.
Trouble is, a couple of the glasses
are bigger then the box. Yeah.
Funnily enough, I'm not going
anywhere near those ones, Alex.
I've written them off.
Hm.
I feel tricked. Yes.
Grr!
So what do you mean by shut?
That's shut.
Is it?
It's shut.
That's shut.
It crunched a bit there.
That is a goddam miracle
that I did that.
You've got six pairs of glasses
in there, have you? Not bad.
And how do you want the Taskmaster
to transport the rest?
If I was a removal man and then he
was there going,
"How do you want me to transport the
rest?" I'd go, "Up your ass!"
"Try not to break them.
Smallest arse wins."
Thank you very much, James.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You both thought these are
spectacles.
I think I made that clear. Oh, you
spelt that out good and proper.
Oh, these are... Yeah. But I was
expecting...
But I was acting a thick person!
Oh, it was an extension of
Cul de Sac?
Yeah, we were still on Cul de Sac. I
was being Donna. Still in character.
Oh, blimey. Me, too. I was acting a
thick person, too. Yeah.
I enjoyed your reaction immensely.
Because you went,
IMPERSONATING JAMES: "Oh, yeah.
Oh, good."
Of course it is, yeah. Yeah, course,
can't be straightforward, can it?
Yeah, of course.
Who's next, please, Alex?
Phil has glasses and as we've seen
throughout the series,
he knows how to pack things in
tightly.
LAUGHTER
Can he combine those skills?
Let's see.
Pairs of glasses, that sounds like
spectacles, but it's probably
a Taskmaster trick and it's drinking
glasses, or something.
I put pairs of drinking glasses
in there.
What are you doing Phil?
How much... Trying to estimate the
volume of ten pairs of glasses.
I'm running out of time. I'm going
with this.
You've got 2mins, 40secs.
GLASS SMASHES
Oh!
I think the rules said I wasn't
allowed to break any of the glasses.
Have you broken one of the glasses?
I've broken one of the glasses.
I was trying to be too clever
with the stacking.
Aside one of the single broken
glass,
this is a textbook bit of packing.
Done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The only one, so far, that has
spotted the dastardly trick.
Dirty, horrible trick. He got
exactly the right size box. He did.
And I've got some good news for you,
I'm going to nip this in the bud.
You did break one glass,
but the rule was that you weren't
allowed to break a pair of glasses.
Ooh! So you only broke one glass,
so I'm fully allowing... Really?
..everything. Yeah. OK.
That was very impressive, Phil.
Well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Can anyone beat Phil Wang at
the glass packing task?
What will the studio task be?
Who will win Kerry's campervan?
And aren't adverts annoying?
All these questions will be answered
within the next 15 minutes.
Bye for now.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster
part four.
Sure, it's the 50th ever episode,
but let's not forget
it's also episode six
of series seven.
Yes, it's the big one and not only
that, but before the break
there was a glass packing task
going on.
Phil has proved the best packer
so far, last up are Rhod and Jess.
Can I go to the lab first?
All the information is on the task.
You must select your box before
leaving the caravan
and may not then change your mind.
Why didn't I think of that earlier?
He's such a dick!
Yes, I was thinking of spectacles.
I think I might play it safe.
OK.
I'm going with a box E.
Come on. Coming.
Don't dawdle.
F? Could I get it in F?
Or E?
They might even go in G.
Well, actually, I think this could
work.
Hm... Now, what we've got now here
is a packing job.
I'll tell you what's immediately
clear is I've got the wrong box.
And you did come to see what size
the glasses were. Yeah, absolutely.
Total disaster.
Running out of time, as well, Rhod.
Running out of time and running out
of box? Yes.
The only thing I seem to have plenty
of is glasses.
Pop, pop.
I'm wising up to the Taskmaster,
that's what's happening here.
With the lid shut properly.
Please.
WHISTLE BLOWS
One of the most disappointing five
minutes of my life, I would say.
So far.
So far.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Thank you, Jess.
I'm really happy with that.
JK out.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I mean...
So proud!
So proud, but you hadn't worked out
they were drinking glasses.
What I thought they were
were massive spectacles.
Well, that makes sense that you
might have been tricked that way.
That's good, because you just came
across as someone
'who's just floating through life...
"Yeah, I suppose this box will fit
some glasses in."
So, I'm glad that there was method
to your madness.
Well, it's one of the first times
that any of the tasks
has come across is easy to me,
so that's good in a way.
That's good. With your big fun
glasses.
LAUGHTER
Read out the task for Rhod's
benefit.
Well, the relevant bit is, "You must
select your box
"before leaving the caravan and may
not then change your mind."
I didn't see him selecting the box
before running out of the caravan
and looking at all the glasses,
then running back
and then still picking a very small
box!
If I can go look, then come back,
then I've got to choose the box.
I forgot that in going to look -
that was leaving the caravan!
LAUGHTER
These things can happen to you under
pressure.
You should apply Jess' technique.
Play it safe!
Yeah, I think that was quite a large
box though.
Yes, it wasn't the smallest box.
You both got them all in,
but Phil's box was smaller.
No, it's not!
LAUGHTER
I don't know!
Oh, man!
Shall we work our way down from
the top then? Yes, of course.
So, Phil gets five. He does.
He completed the task.
Jess also did, but not as well,
four points. Correct.
How many are you going to give
to Kerry? Three.
How many to James? I'm going to give
James two points. Mm-hm.
Because they both made some
semblance of an attempt.
What about Rhod Gilbert?
One! Absolute zero. Nothing.
OK, Mr Phil Wang wins the task!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes! Well done!
Very good, let's check in on the
scores before the final task.
Well, the good news is that anyone
can win this episode.
Phil and Rhod are tied in last place
with 13,
Kerry is out in front still
with 17 points. OK.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Please, stand up and head up with me
for the final task of the show!
CHEERING
Welcome to this stage, Greg.
I'm delighted to be here.
Who's going to read the task?
Philip Wang. Lovely.
Hello, everyone.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Get your doughnut as high
as possible.
You must be holding hands with the
people on either side of you
at all times.
Highest doughnut after 100 seconds
wins.
If your doughnut is in the air
after the 100 seconds,
it's height will be measured from
where it lands.
So, just to explain that final line.
You can't just fling it up in
the air at the end.
It will be measured from where
it lands. OK.
So, everyone needs to hold hands
now.
So it's only the doughnut -
the fifth one up. Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. You ready?
I'm ready, yeah.
OK. Well, James is going to blow
the whistle.
Here we go, guys. Best of luck
to you.
WHISTLE BLOWS.
OK, 100 seconds.
Take it up there, take it up there.
Take it up there!
Pass it up there!
Pass it up there!
No, pass it up, you fucking idiot!
Pass it up! Up, up, up!
JESS: Kerry, no! No!
Throw it up. Throw it up,
what's wrong with you?
Yes! Yes!
AUDIENCE CHEERS
50 seconds left.
Watch out, watch out.
LAUGHTER
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...
AUDIENCE: Five, four, three, two,
one.
WHISTLE BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Stop, stop, stop!
Let's get back down to the stage and
add these up to the final scores.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Goodness me.
Hm.
You got dragged around.
I did.
Which is incredible considering I'm
knocking on the door of 30 stone.
LAUGHTER
I can show you a freeze frame of the
exact moment the 100 seconds was up.
Yes, please. This is what was
going on.
Your facial expression is very good!
LAUGHTER
It looks like Greg's being stalked
by himself.
So out of the ones we can see
there,
Phil's is actually just higher than
James' is. Then we've got Kerry's,
but I think out of everyone, Kerry
was the only one who let go
of other hands enough to then put
it on her head.
Do you have anything to say about
that, Kerry? I do.
Sorry? Did you let go with both
hands and you...?
I didn't let go, I was thrown around
and I took the opportunity
to move things forward.
You got free, you should have
connected yourself back up.
I did connect myself backup. Yeah,
but you did a sneaky drop and grab.
You know what you did!
There are two doughnuts we can't
see.
Jess' is just below the stage there,
but it is still in existence.
So, Jess got the doughnut lower than
it actually was at the beginning.
But she didn't break any rules.
No, James got my doughnut
lower than it was in the beginning.
By kicking it off. By cheating.
Yeah, it's a shame.
It wasn't cheating, it was
mean-spirited.
But, hey. It's a tough game, baby.
I don't like that new catchphrase.
Rhod's doughnut ended up with that
lovely lady at the back there
and you can see her on the screen
there, as well.
So, we say that Kerry gets zero
points for releasing and grabbing.
I'm afraid so. Fair enough.
Jess is in fourth, gets two points.
James gets three, Phil gets four,
but the winner of that task is
Mr Rhod Gilbert!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, it's a very close episode.
In second place, it's Rhod Gilbert.
In joint third, it's Kerry and Phil,
but the winner with 19 points,
it's James Acaster!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
James Acaster wins the sixth show
and our 50th episode.
Please, go and collect your
brilliant keys.
So, what have we learnt today? We've
learnt that the key to good drama
is in the writing.
Like when Scarlett O'Hara turned
tearfully to Rhett Butler
and pleaded, IMPERSONATING: "But
where shall I go? What shall I do?"
To which Rhett replied,
"Frankly, my dear,
"a-rub-a-dub-dub!"
LAUGHTER
We're also about to learn whether
Alex Horne can eat
an entire family key lime pie.
But more important than anything
else
going on in the world right now,
James Acaster is the winner
of tonight's show.
Thank you, loyal fans.
Thank you and good night!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
HE LAUGHS
AIRHORN BLARES
No!
SHE SCREAMS
HE GROANS
SHE LAUGHS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. Thank you. I am Greg Davies
and this, ladies and gentlemen,
it's the 50th ever episode
of Taskmaster.
FANFARE
CHEERING
FANFARE CONTINUES
LAUGHTER
It's going to be one hell
of a night.
Or it might be like any other
episode
but with a few more references
to the number 50.
Let's meet the five trophy-hungry
contestants joining us
to both compete in and celebrate
this auspicious occasion.
They are: James Acaster,
Jessica Knappett,
Kerry Godliman,
Phil Wang,
and Rhod Gilbert.
And next to me for the 50th time -
the 50th time -
he claims that he's 6ft but he's
just below five...
IN BABYISH VOICE: ..little Alex
Horne! Two. 6ft2.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've just got stats. Stats today.
OK.
50 episodes, 35 contestants,
263 tasks,
45 disqualifications,
11 tie-breaks, 228 breaks,
two arm breaks, one marriage,
one Taskmaster baby
and one everlasting friendship.
LAUGHTER
Yeah?
LAUGHTER
Are you allowing that?
You think we're friends, do you?
Forever.
I don't think you could tell me one
thing about my life
outside of this show.
What car have I got?
A car? A Honda.
No!
So, on with the 50th special one.
Right. Come on, then.
Let's make this a good one.
I'll try.
And the best possible way to go
about making that happen
would have to be by starting with
the Prize Task
And it's a neat one this week. We've
asked them to bring in the best key.
Kerry, what's the special key you've
brought in?
My special key is the key
to my campervan,
which I'm very excited about.
The key looks like this. Ready for
the campervan? Yeah.
Oh, fucking hell.
LAUGHTER
What do you think a campervan looks
like? I love the key.
What do you expect a campervan
to look like?
You've put this in as a prize
because you don't want to pay
to have it towed away!
THEY LAUGH
My campervan is a thing of joy.
It is?
It's got loads of cupboards
and drawers.
It's like Sylvanians for grown-ups.
OK, just for argument's sake,
Phil, you win this show, what are
you going to do with that van?
Strip it for parts. Thank you.
LAUGHTER
Move on? Let's move on. Fine.
Phil, obviously you've got your eye
on the strip down prize van,
but what did you bring in?
I brought the best key, which is
the G key from a piano.
Here it is.
JESSICA: Nice.
There it is.
It's G, which is the best key. It's
the highest letter on the alphabet
before they gave up and went back
to A, because you can't top a G!
Listen, you know, I like it.
Well, I say that...
Kerry's is better. Now...
HE LAUGHS
I've ripped this with my bare hands
out of a real piano.
I put it to you that that is a...
Yes, and you're right to do
that face.
Two can play that game, Phil.
I put it to you...
LAUGHTER
..that that is a stock library
picture of a... It is not a stock...
No. He did bring in a key, but I
don't know where he got it from.
We shot it nicely, didn't we?
That's going to come off your wage
for this show, young man.
Jess?
I've thought outside the box.
It's called a key...
lime pie.
Brackets - Homemade! Did you really
make it? Yes, I really made it.
If it's a stock library picture, I'm
going to attack Phil. It's not.
You will... I've...
Here it is, here's the pie.
LAUGHTER
"I The Heart Taskmaster."
Yes, OK.
It is "I The Heart Taskmaster!"
But it should say,
I Heart The Taskmaster.
Which it does if you read it
the right way round,
which is the wrong way round.
Did you really make it?
Yes, I really made it.
It looks genuinely delicious.
Well, it genuinely is!
As a special 50th episode
celebration,
I'm going to let Alex eat all of
that pie at the end of the show.
And I mean... BOTH: All of it.
And well he should.
After the show?
No. When the winner goes up to
collect the prizes,
you can eat that entire pie!
OK. OK, good. So I look forward
to that. James Acaster?
I brought in the key to my heart.
He's brought in this.
I love ice cream.
And I hope Alex likes ice cream
with his key lime pie. Yeah.
You are going to be a very full boy!
What we'll have to do, is we'll have
to find out what Rhod's brought in.
Fingers crossed it's better than
a bowl of ice cream.
Of course it's going to be better
than a bowl of ice cream!
I don't think it will be.
Sorry to interrupt,
it's definitely going to come last.
LAUGHTER
Why?
Gut instinct.
Rhodri?
I went a bit outside the box,
as well. Because I thought...
'Can I make a prediction? This is
going to be a picture of me looking
fat.
RHOD SNORTS
Here is Rhod's key.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
WOLF WHISTLE
I thought a key helps you make
sense of things sometimes.
It's probably a weird thing to say,
but it sort of does it for me
as a picture.
So, who's in last place?
Oh, well, James is in last place.
Bringing a bowl of ice cream in!
One point to James Acaster.
Based on the fact that I still
believe that's a library picture
of a piano key, I'm giving Phil
two points.
Which it's not, but fine. OK.
So, second to last.
If it's proved otherwise to me, if I
see the physical proof of the key...
You will at the end of the show.
..I'll give him a bonus point.
We all know the prizes come up at
the end, definitely going to see it.
No, I thought it might be a
picture of the key.
You think that's going to go up
and it's like Bullseye -
there's going to be a fucking
campervan up there?
LAUGHTER
That is a good point.
Two for Phil. Two points for
Phil Wang. That's right.
Third place with three points, just
because he's been so gobby
in the last two minutes,
Rhod Gilbert. OK.
He's standing up, now.
AUDIENCE BOOS
Ooh!
Jess, I'm giving you four points
because the pie looks nice
and I can't wait to see this prick
eat it!
I'll take it. Have we all been
beaten by the campervan?
Yeah, we fucking have.
It would appear so!
SHE LAUGHS
Five points to Kerry. There.
Yes! Kerry wins the task.
We are shifting now, aren't we? Yes.
What do you have ready and waiting
in the wings for us, Alex? I have
something very apt for episode 50.
Ready? Yeah.
Here we go.
Hello, James.
Ah!
Put exactly 50 different things
in this bin.
Fastest wins.
Your time stops when you say,
"I've put exactly 50 different
things in this bin."
Fit Alex in this bin,
roll him down the hill,
fastest wins!
LAUGHTER
That was a wind up. Get used
to them.
What does the last bit say?
The last bit says...
Your time starts when Alex...
Touches you on the shoulder.
Oh, God! Ugh!
I thought you might run!
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Time starts now, James.
Oh.
I can't go any longer.
I've started the clock. I've started
the clock.
Your time's started, Rhod.
Ugh!
Right, now it's thinking time.
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
APPLAUSE
It's nice for us to fall into
the stereotypes there.
Oh, I can get extra time here,
I could get extra time.
And those two - it worked - but
not for Granddad, did it?
Yes, so this is actually a two-part
task,
but we're going to deal with each
part separately, Greg.
First, let's see how they gathered
their items. Ready? Yes. Here we go.
Right. One at a time, is it?
One... For now. One.
One potato.
Two.
Three, four, five, six...
seven.
Oh, hold on. What am I doing?
LAUGHTER
Eight, nine...
Ten, 11, 12...
13, 14, 15...
16, 17, 18...
19, 20, 21, 22...
23, 24...
25, 26...
27, 28...
29...
30.
31...
32, three, four...
35, 36...
37, 38, 39...
40.
41, 42...
43...
45...
Oh!
44!
45...
46...
47...
48... 49...
50.
I put exactly 50 things in this bin!
Suck it!
I put exactly 50 different things
in this bin.
I put exactly 50 different things
in this bin.
I've put 50 things in this bin.
I've put exactly 50 different...
Different things!
SHE LAUGHS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
Right, we need to nip a potential
argument in the bud here, I think,
with the definition of different
things.
Well, all of them put two of the
same things in, except for Phil.
All 50 of Phil's were different,
but I suppose you could say that
the stones were all different,
the oranges were... They're
different stones from each other.
But Phil was the only one who made
the effort
to put 50 totally different things
in.
And that is reflected in the time.
LAUGHTER
Just while I'm thinking about this,
erm...
do you want to explain "Suck it!"
Why I shouted suck it at the end?
Yeah.
I felt good.
But who was it directed at?
Just everyone in general.
Suck it.
Everyone - you two and Wolf from
Gladiators and...
the cat bin lady - everyone.
Tell us the time.
Well, Jess took 2mins 52secs.
Going back-and-forth to the shed,
instead of bringing the bin
to the shed.
Rhod was very tired, of course,
2mins 30secs.
Kerry - potato, then mainly fruit -
1min 27secs.
James, 58 seconds - just the stones.
Woah!
Stones and one ukulele.
Phil, who's traditionally slow,
this time really slow, 6mins 57secs.
LAUGHTER
So, are we rewarding them for speed
or does Phil get any special...
I think it's all about speed.
If there's a piano key up there,
'I'm not going to give him a bonus
point, but I'm going to secure him
one now
for putting 50 different things in,
cos I think it needs rewarding.
'Phil was the slowest, so he gets one
point, but you're giving him a bonus
point... He gets twopoints.
OK. Then Jessica's two points,
three points to Rhod, Kerry, four,
but James wins the first part of
the task and gets five points.
Incredibly.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right, that's it, my friends.
It's the end of the first part
of this special half-century
episode.
So, go do your business and come
back here
when you've cleaned up!
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, everyone. It's part two of
our 50th show together
and yet I still don't feel like
I know you.
Maybe you never will, Greg.
Maybe you never will.
So, can we now see the other part
of this task, please, Alex?
Yes, there was more to this than
just gathering 50 things.
Here's the next bit
of the task.
I recognise these guys. Coincidence?
I don't think so!
These are the things I put in
the bin.
Right, I'm going to open this and
then I'm going to have a rest.
Using all the items on this mat...
Make the best picture of
the Taskmaster.
You have ten minutes, your time
starts now!
You want me to do a picture of the
escaped Easter Island monument
that you call the Taskmaster?
LAUGHTER
Oh, shit! I should have gone for
something more varied than this.
Your time starts now.
Well, I've got lots of red
for the mouth.
OK, these are going to be eyebrows,
he's quite frowny, isn't he?
He's got one of those... Has he got
one of those bum chins?
Can I break this?
You can do whatever you want.
I've just noticed just quite how
much my bulge is pushing out.
Bulge?
My bulge.
His teeth are definitely a green or
brown, but his eyes are blue.
Here's one of his little pencil
legs, down there. Mm-hm.
His legs are absurdly out
of proportion.
This is quite good. It's quite
Picasso-esque. It's so Greg.
Arms, I forgot!
Shit!
Does he have arms?
Yeah, he does, but he doesn't
use them.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Mm. Thank you, Phil. Pleasure, guys.
Ah!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
'Does anyone want to talk through
their workings? They all said you
had angry eyebrows,
you're frowny, you're not very
smiley
and Phil said, "I wish I'd filled
the bin with pasty-coloured things!"
LAUGHTER
Don't, er... Thanks for that extra
point, Greg. Erm...
Enjoy it. Really enjoy it.
Suck it, in fact.
Well, let's start. I'll show you
what Rhod and Kerry
put in their bins and then what
they did with it. Let's do it.
This is their raw ingredients,
Rhod and Kerry,
and this is what they ended up with.
LAUGHTER
'Pretty flattering. Yeah, and I
haven't got a problem, weirdly,
with having no arms.
Even though you had plenty of leaves
to make arms with,
but you focused on them going
on my stomach.
Well, if I'd have given you arms,
I'd have had to made you look thin!
'And I think you'd agree, it's better
like this with you fat and no
arms...
Well, there's some fascinating
decisions by you, Kerry.
Because as the neck demonstrates,
there were enough oranges
to give me two legs that are
the same width!
So you went, if I'm really going to
make it look like him,
I'm going to have to get that
withered leg in place...
early doors.
LAUGHTER
I wasn't thinking like that,
that wasn't a conscious decision.
What's the silver bowl?
It's a little fascinator.
A little coquettish fascinator.
Yes. You're going to a wedding.
Ah! "Congratulations on your
wedding!"
"Are you wearing a fascinator,
Greg?"
"Shh-shh, it's not about me, it's
not about me."
"Can you help me through this door?"
"Why?"
"Because one of my legs is
withered."
LAUGHTER
Who's next, please, Alex? Now we get
to see Jess and Phil's masterpieces.
This is what they were working with
and this is what they mustered up.
Here we go.
LAUGHTER
That is really, seriously good.
That is brilliant.
I'm sorry, did you mishear and think
it was a portrait of me
after I'd fallen out of a pine tree?
It's an Angry Bird Pig.
Oh, in that case, full marks.
Because that's the look I've been
trying to perfect for years.
Jess? What's so worrying is I was so
proud of that when I made it.
I honestly thought it was really
good.
What the hell is that oblong
on my face?
More to the point, there's paint!
So I could have used the paint!
Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER
You're the only one who put art
materials in.
And then just used them as
the top of my head!
There's one more. Right, we've
secured last place,
but let's have a look.
OK.
This is what James Acaster,
Portrait Artist Of The Year,
was working with.
He transformed that into these.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That's good.
I was really pleased with it.
I went into that room and saw what
I had to work with
and I was really scared.
And then you smashed up the ukulele.
I smashed it up and I was amazed.
With each smash,
it just came off like a perfect part
of your body.
That is an incredible piece of work.
What I think is delightful
and incredible
is that you have managed to show
the fear in Alex's face.
Do you want to see all five together
and you can judge them? I do.
OK, so here's the five Greg faces.
And I'm going to judge this
based on which ones I think look
most like me. OK.
I'm sorry, Phil... What?! I'm sorry.
This is just a leafy duck!
What is this?!
That's shit, that's really bad.
Please.
I've been very kind to you, I think
I've been very generous. Charitable.
I gave you a bonus point, I never
give bonus points out... Never.
..but I've got to look at that
and say that's deeply hurtful.
It's a mental pig.
And I'm giving you one point.
One point to Phil.
And purely... Two points, purely
based on the fact
that I haven't got an oblong on
the side of my face,
I'm giving two points to Jessica.
Two to Jess. Thank you.
That's second last place.
Third place?
I've worked very hard on my withered
leg, very hard.
I'm giving you three points.
Three to Kerry. To Kerry.
So it's between Rhod and James.
Yeah. Well, I think... What?!
How?!
I think that... Sorry! ..Rhod has
captured of the essence of the anger
I feel when Rhod walks into a room.
A sort of dark...
'I was doing you just after I'd
walked into a room. There you go.
Four points.
But Jesus Christ, if I could give
you ten, I would.
Five points for James.
OK, five points for James.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Scoreboard me up.
OK.
Do you want an update on the series
at this point? Yes, please.
We're over half way.
Two members of the contestant team
are in triple figures.
Phil's on 73.
Oh, no!
RHOD SPLUTTERS
73. James, 93. Rhod, 95.
Jess, 101. Kerry's on 105, in the
lead, at the moment.
TOGETHER: Ooh!
GREG WHISTLES
In this episode: Phil, again, adrift
on five.
At the other end, again, Kerry's on
12, James is on 11.
That's where we are at this moment
in time.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I would very much enjoy seeing
another task.
OK, I thought you would. OK, we have
one right here and this one is...
DRAMATIC HEARTBEAT
..the next task.
Watch your head, Kez.
Ooh! Oh!
Hello. Sunshine!
Hello.
Hello.
Oh, hey, Al...ex
Do it. I'm doing it. It's on a
hanger. It is on ribbons.
Is it a clue?
Oh, God.
Oh!
Write and perform the most
suspenseful...
..soap opera cliffhanger.
Your scene may last no more
than one minute.
You have 30 minutes...
How many?
30 minutes to write a one minute
scene.
Your time starts now.
Right.
Write and perform.
I've already written mine. In my
head, Phil's pregnant. Yeah, OK.
Does he keep it?
One of us has got the other one
pregnant.
That doesn't work, does it?
I'd quite like to do a fight.
Yeah, we should definitely have
a catfight.
So, one of us is pregnant... How are
your, erm...? Stage fighting?
Oh, you went the wrong way!
LAUGHTER
She was very happy!
I may have implied from time to time
during this series
that Kerry Godliman takes on the
persona of Phil Mitchell
in her approach to tasks.
Which is sometimes,
'IN COCKNEY ACCENT: "Right, I see
what we're doing. Fuck, let's do it.
Bosh."
Be interesting to see which way
you go when offered up.
Oh, the suspense!
LAUGHTER
Don't turn your back on me, don't
you even think about it.
Oh, go on, then. Go and see some
adverts. See you soon.
It's part three. Welcome back.
Or more like party three!
'Because we're having a whale of a
time, aren't we, on our 50th
episode?
Oh, man. There's a killer vibe in
our crib right now(!)
So, before the break, a team task
was taking place
where they had to write and perform
the most suspenseful soap opera
cliffhanger.
Right, bosh. Who are we seeing
first?
OK, the first cliffhanger we're
going to see is...
DRAMATIC HEARTBEAT
..the boys' attempt.
PHIL WHISTLES
KNOCK ON DOOR
Philippa?!
Open this door!
Open this...
door!
What have you been doing in here?
And what have I told you about
locking doors in this house?
We don't have locked doors
in this house.
I've been waiting downstairs for you
nine months.
You've not been out of this bath
for nine months.
What are you playing at? I've been
waiting for my dinner, I'm starving!
Meanwhile, you're in here and you're
getting fatter, if anything.
Have you eaten all the food, is that
what you've been doing?
Nine months in the bath, eating all
my dinner.
What have you got to say for
yourself?
James, no.
James, I'm not fat,
I'm pregnant.
Really? I'm going to be a dad?
Well, if you're going to bring our
little bubba into the world
then I'm going to make an honest
woman of you.
Philippa, will you marry me?
If I'm going to be an honest woman,
James,
then I'd better start telling
the truth.
There's someone else.
Who?
HE GASPS
Rub-a-dub-dub.
Oh, you little...
My water's broken.
My heart is broken.
Rub-a-dub-dub?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
"Rub-a-dub-dub"!
Am I right in thinking that the
premise of your soap opera
is that a woman has been sitting in
the bath for nine months...
LAUGHTER
..gestating a baby?
That's right, yes. Yes. OK.
And having an affair at the same
time.
OK. No, wait.
The husband's clearly agitated.
I was very wound up.
What's he been doing for nine
months?
He's been downstairs waiting
for his dinner.
Did you give your nasty, misogynist
character a name?
Er...Gus. Gus.
LAUGHTER
Gus? Yeah. He's come in, he's
furious... Agh, yeah!
..because she's a woman, she should
have provided your food. Yeah.
You've been waiting for nine months,
you're nearly dead. Yes.
She then tells you she's pregnant.
Yes, Philippa.
Philip, sorry.
That's OK.
And then there's a touching moment
between Philippa and Gus.
Yeah, we finally break through.
I thought that bit of acting was...
Yeah?
..OK.
And this is where the real
twist comes.
The lover is revealed.
Lovely cliffhanger. Yes.
But I'm confused.
Rhod's character's only vocabulary
in the whole scene,
is the phrase rub-a-dub-dub!
LAUGHTER
Would it help if I told you that
their soap is called Feelings
and there is a theme tune to it?
Can we see it?
Yeah, this is the theme tune
to Feelings. OK.
TOGETHER: # Everybody's got
feelings
# Feelings hurt and feel good
# Everybody's got feelings
# Feelings hurt and feel good
Good #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Rub-a-dub-dub!
Who's next, please, Alex?
Next up are ladies with an excerpt
from their gritty soap opera
called Cul de Sac.
ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS
I know he's in there, Donna!
'ow'd you find me?
Google Maps.
What do you want?
You ever heard of manners?
You ever heard of oral hygiene?
Ugh!
SHE YELLS
Ugh!
SHE SCREAMS
He's the best I ever had, Donna!
You can't be with him, Donna.
Why?!
Cos you're his mum!
DOOR OPENS
LAUGHTER
SHE RETCHES
AUDIENCE GROANS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, I don't want to state
the obvious,
but your character's been having sex
with her own son.
LAUGHTER
That's why she threw up.
Oh, you puked because you'd had sex
with your own son?
Yeah, because it's quite unsettling,
isn't it? Oh!
I thought it was because
it was Alex!
Why would he say that?
Why would he say that?
That's mean, isn't it?
Is he being mean?
That is mean. PHIL: I would say for
a soap opera - not very much soap.
However, in ours...
'The definition of a cliffhanger is a
dramatic and exciting ending to an
episode,
'leaving the audience in suspense and
anxious not to miss the next
episode.
We did that. OK, it's a
simple as this,
Cul de Sac had some powerful acting
in it... It did. Thank you.
..but the main reason I'm going to
give the boys one more point
is because... Unbelievable.
I'm agog.
..is because... BOTH: Everybody's
got feelings!
The boys get three points,
there we go.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good. Let's have another task.
OK, and it's been noted that
this series and last
you've started to wear glasses
and I think they look fine,
so here's the next task.
Hiya.
Hi, Alex.
Hello, Jess.
Oh, I love boxes inside boxes.
What does that say there?
C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.
Random.
Not random, they're in order.
Yeah.
In the lab, there are ten pairs
of glasses,
the pairs of glasses may not leave
the lab.
Without breaking any of the pairs
of glasses,
put all the pairs of glasses into
the smallest of these boxes.
You must select your box before
leaving the caravan
and may not then change your mind.
The smallest box containing all
the pairs of glasses
with the lid shut properly wins.
That's nuts!
You have a maximum total time of
five minutes. Your time starts now.
What?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Befuddled old man!
Yeah!
So, it's pretty straightforward,
right?
Yeah, they had to choose which box
they thought they could fit ten
pairs of glasses in. Yeah.
The smallest box that successfully
was packaged
with those glasses wins.
Does that make sense? Yeah.
OK, we're going to start with James
and Kerry.
Ten pairs of glasses...
I reckon they'll go in there.
Go?
Yes, please.
Yeah, yeah. Of course, it is.
Pairs of glasses.
I didn't see this coming.
Oh! Do you know what I had
in my head?
Pairs of glasses.
Did you?
Oh, I don't know why I had that
in my head.
That's more pairs than I thought
I'd get.
I'm now doing a thing knowing that
it's not going to work out.
Trouble is, a couple of the glasses
are bigger then the box. Yeah.
Funnily enough, I'm not going
anywhere near those ones, Alex.
I've written them off.
Hm.
I feel tricked. Yes.
Grr!
So what do you mean by shut?
That's shut.
Is it?
It's shut.
That's shut.
It crunched a bit there.
That is a goddam miracle
that I did that.
You've got six pairs of glasses
in there, have you? Not bad.
And how do you want the Taskmaster
to transport the rest?
If I was a removal man and then he
was there going,
"How do you want me to transport the
rest?" I'd go, "Up your ass!"
"Try not to break them.
Smallest arse wins."
Thank you very much, James.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You both thought these are
spectacles.
I think I made that clear. Oh, you
spelt that out good and proper.
Oh, these are... Yeah. But I was
expecting...
But I was acting a thick person!
Oh, it was an extension of
Cul de Sac?
Yeah, we were still on Cul de Sac. I
was being Donna. Still in character.
Oh, blimey. Me, too. I was acting a
thick person, too. Yeah.
I enjoyed your reaction immensely.
Because you went,
IMPERSONATING JAMES: "Oh, yeah.
Oh, good."
Of course it is, yeah. Yeah, course,
can't be straightforward, can it?
Yeah, of course.
Who's next, please, Alex?
Phil has glasses and as we've seen
throughout the series,
he knows how to pack things in
tightly.
LAUGHTER
Can he combine those skills?
Let's see.
Pairs of glasses, that sounds like
spectacles, but it's probably
a Taskmaster trick and it's drinking
glasses, or something.
I put pairs of drinking glasses
in there.
What are you doing Phil?
How much... Trying to estimate the
volume of ten pairs of glasses.
I'm running out of time. I'm going
with this.
You've got 2mins, 40secs.
GLASS SMASHES
Oh!
I think the rules said I wasn't
allowed to break any of the glasses.
Have you broken one of the glasses?
I've broken one of the glasses.
I was trying to be too clever
with the stacking.
Aside one of the single broken
glass,
this is a textbook bit of packing.
Done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The only one, so far, that has
spotted the dastardly trick.
Dirty, horrible trick. He got
exactly the right size box. He did.
And I've got some good news for you,
I'm going to nip this in the bud.
You did break one glass,
but the rule was that you weren't
allowed to break a pair of glasses.
Ooh! So you only broke one glass,
so I'm fully allowing... Really?
..everything. Yeah. OK.
That was very impressive, Phil.
Well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Can anyone beat Phil Wang at
the glass packing task?
What will the studio task be?
Who will win Kerry's campervan?
And aren't adverts annoying?
All these questions will be answered
within the next 15 minutes.
Bye for now.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster
part four.
Sure, it's the 50th ever episode,
but let's not forget
it's also episode six
of series seven.
Yes, it's the big one and not only
that, but before the break
there was a glass packing task
going on.
Phil has proved the best packer
so far, last up are Rhod and Jess.
Can I go to the lab first?
All the information is on the task.
You must select your box before
leaving the caravan
and may not then change your mind.
Why didn't I think of that earlier?
He's such a dick!
Yes, I was thinking of spectacles.
I think I might play it safe.
OK.
I'm going with a box E.
Come on. Coming.
Don't dawdle.
F? Could I get it in F?
Or E?
They might even go in G.
Well, actually, I think this could
work.
Hm... Now, what we've got now here
is a packing job.
I'll tell you what's immediately
clear is I've got the wrong box.
And you did come to see what size
the glasses were. Yeah, absolutely.
Total disaster.
Running out of time, as well, Rhod.
Running out of time and running out
of box? Yes.
The only thing I seem to have plenty
of is glasses.
Pop, pop.
I'm wising up to the Taskmaster,
that's what's happening here.
With the lid shut properly.
Please.
WHISTLE BLOWS
One of the most disappointing five
minutes of my life, I would say.
So far.
So far.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Thank you, Jess.
I'm really happy with that.
JK out.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I mean...
So proud!
So proud, but you hadn't worked out
they were drinking glasses.
What I thought they were
were massive spectacles.
Well, that makes sense that you
might have been tricked that way.
That's good, because you just came
across as someone
'who's just floating through life...
"Yeah, I suppose this box will fit
some glasses in."
So, I'm glad that there was method
to your madness.
Well, it's one of the first times
that any of the tasks
has come across is easy to me,
so that's good in a way.
That's good. With your big fun
glasses.
LAUGHTER
Read out the task for Rhod's
benefit.
Well, the relevant bit is, "You must
select your box
"before leaving the caravan and may
not then change your mind."
I didn't see him selecting the box
before running out of the caravan
and looking at all the glasses,
then running back
and then still picking a very small
box!
If I can go look, then come back,
then I've got to choose the box.
I forgot that in going to look -
that was leaving the caravan!
LAUGHTER
These things can happen to you under
pressure.
You should apply Jess' technique.
Play it safe!
Yeah, I think that was quite a large
box though.
Yes, it wasn't the smallest box.
You both got them all in,
but Phil's box was smaller.
No, it's not!
LAUGHTER
I don't know!
Oh, man!
Shall we work our way down from
the top then? Yes, of course.
So, Phil gets five. He does.
He completed the task.
Jess also did, but not as well,
four points. Correct.
How many are you going to give
to Kerry? Three.
How many to James? I'm going to give
James two points. Mm-hm.
Because they both made some
semblance of an attempt.
What about Rhod Gilbert?
One! Absolute zero. Nothing.
OK, Mr Phil Wang wins the task!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes! Well done!
Very good, let's check in on the
scores before the final task.
Well, the good news is that anyone
can win this episode.
Phil and Rhod are tied in last place
with 13,
Kerry is out in front still
with 17 points. OK.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Please, stand up and head up with me
for the final task of the show!
CHEERING
Welcome to this stage, Greg.
I'm delighted to be here.
Who's going to read the task?
Philip Wang. Lovely.
Hello, everyone.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Get your doughnut as high
as possible.
You must be holding hands with the
people on either side of you
at all times.
Highest doughnut after 100 seconds
wins.
If your doughnut is in the air
after the 100 seconds,
it's height will be measured from
where it lands.
So, just to explain that final line.
You can't just fling it up in
the air at the end.
It will be measured from where
it lands. OK.
So, everyone needs to hold hands
now.
So it's only the doughnut -
the fifth one up. Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. You ready?
I'm ready, yeah.
OK. Well, James is going to blow
the whistle.
Here we go, guys. Best of luck
to you.
WHISTLE BLOWS.
OK, 100 seconds.
Take it up there, take it up there.
Take it up there!
Pass it up there!
Pass it up there!
No, pass it up, you fucking idiot!
Pass it up! Up, up, up!
JESS: Kerry, no! No!
Throw it up. Throw it up,
what's wrong with you?
Yes! Yes!
AUDIENCE CHEERS
50 seconds left.
Watch out, watch out.
LAUGHTER
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...
AUDIENCE: Five, four, three, two,
one.
WHISTLE BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Stop, stop, stop!
Let's get back down to the stage and
add these up to the final scores.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Goodness me.
Hm.
You got dragged around.
I did.
Which is incredible considering I'm
knocking on the door of 30 stone.
LAUGHTER
I can show you a freeze frame of the
exact moment the 100 seconds was up.
Yes, please. This is what was
going on.
Your facial expression is very good!
LAUGHTER
It looks like Greg's being stalked
by himself.
So out of the ones we can see
there,
Phil's is actually just higher than
James' is. Then we've got Kerry's,
but I think out of everyone, Kerry
was the only one who let go
of other hands enough to then put
it on her head.
Do you have anything to say about
that, Kerry? I do.
Sorry? Did you let go with both
hands and you...?
I didn't let go, I was thrown around
and I took the opportunity
to move things forward.
You got free, you should have
connected yourself back up.
I did connect myself backup. Yeah,
but you did a sneaky drop and grab.
You know what you did!
There are two doughnuts we can't
see.
Jess' is just below the stage there,
but it is still in existence.
So, Jess got the doughnut lower than
it actually was at the beginning.
But she didn't break any rules.
No, James got my doughnut
lower than it was in the beginning.
By kicking it off. By cheating.
Yeah, it's a shame.
It wasn't cheating, it was
mean-spirited.
But, hey. It's a tough game, baby.
I don't like that new catchphrase.
Rhod's doughnut ended up with that
lovely lady at the back there
and you can see her on the screen
there, as well.
So, we say that Kerry gets zero
points for releasing and grabbing.
I'm afraid so. Fair enough.
Jess is in fourth, gets two points.
James gets three, Phil gets four,
but the winner of that task is
Mr Rhod Gilbert!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, it's a very close episode.
In second place, it's Rhod Gilbert.
In joint third, it's Kerry and Phil,
but the winner with 19 points,
it's James Acaster!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
James Acaster wins the sixth show
and our 50th episode.
Please, go and collect your
brilliant keys.
So, what have we learnt today? We've
learnt that the key to good drama
is in the writing.
Like when Scarlett O'Hara turned
tearfully to Rhett Butler
and pleaded, IMPERSONATING: "But
where shall I go? What shall I do?"
To which Rhett replied,
"Frankly, my dear,
"a-rub-a-dub-dub!"
LAUGHTER
We're also about to learn whether
Alex Horne can eat
an entire family key lime pie.
But more important than anything
else
going on in the world right now,
James Acaster is the winner
of tonight's show.
Thank you, loyal fans.
Thank you and good night!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media