Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 7, Episode 7 - The Perfect Stuff - full transcript
Greg Davies challenges his five fearful funny people to entertain him by completing more baffling challenges which this week involve corneas, crackers and construction.
APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to another
chapter in the tale of Taskmaster.
I'm your narrator, Greg Davies.
Now, this head needs a new owner,
and these are the only five
people on the planet capable of
claiming it.
They are James Acaster...
CHEERING
..Jessica Knappett...
CHEERING
..Kerry Godliman...
CHEERING
..Phil Wang...
CHEERING
..and Rhod Gilbert.
CHEERING
And splattered all over the chair
next to me is the
rancorous pustule of a human being,
that happens to be very good at
Microsoft Excel,
it's little Alex Horne.
Thank you, Greg, very nice of you.
Hello. Hello, Greg.
Thank you for the compliment.
Nothing?
I'm waiting, Alex. We normally have
a chat during the introduction.
Yes. I'm feeling very chilled today.
I feel good in myself. Do you?
I know what you were hoping for.
I know what you were hoping for,
and I know it took hours. Yes.
This is what you get when you try
and get that much attention.
Nothing.
So, what's the prize task, Alex?
'We've asked them to bring in the
most exciting thing beginning
with G. OK.
'And you, of course, know what mine
is. It's your special spot.
I shouldn't...
Oh, my God!
The person or woman that's brought
in the most exciting thing...
JESSICA: "Person or woman"!
..who's brought in the most exciting
thing beginning with G
will get five wholesome points.
Philip, hello. Oh, hi, Greg.
What's the thing,
the G thing you've brought in?
A gold $5 bill.
I think you'll agree this is very
exciting.
It's money made out of...
You OK? No, no, I'm good.
It's money made out of gold.
I bought this at Lincoln Memorial,
and I haggled for it.
The shopkeeper said "This is $30."
I said, "15".
And she said "30".
And I said "20".
And he said "30".
So I paid $30 for this bill.
But I...
You might have paid $30,
but if you look closely at the back,
there is a price tag as well.
Can you see it?
Well, goodness me. Kerry.
Right, my thing is guacamole.
OK. And...
What?
You heard Phil's, did you?
I'm irritated already.
Tell me it's not a bowl of
guacamole.
Yes, it is.
Let's have a look at it.
JESSICA: It doesn't even look very
nice.
I'm a better shade of green
than that, Kerry.
Come on, Kerry.
I think guacamole is exciting
because it's delicious. Right.
OK, wait.
And it's got a very narrow window of
good times,
cos it goes brown, doesn't it?
Literally the next day.
You don't ever eat it alone, it's a
shared dish. It's a party dish.
Oh, you can read his alone,
can't you, Alex?
I often do.
OK, I see where you're coming from.
What?
That it's shit.
Jess?
Most exciting thing beginning
with G. Ooh, what?
Most exciting PERSON
beginning with G...
JAMES: Oh, no.
Greg!
Greg...
Signed Greg Davies merch.
So, I asked you to sign it,
but then you started asking me
questions about who it was for.
And you said it was for your dad,
and that he was a big fan of mine.
Yes.
And then you said, "What's your
dad's name?"
And then I thought it had to begin
with G, cos I got confused,
pretended it's Gordon.
But it's still exciting.
So, that whole thing the other
night was a total lie?
What's your dad really called?
Peter.
Rhod. It's an exciting thing
beginning with G. Please.
Well, I took a little trip
down to Wem.
That's my hometown.
Your mum showed me round all your
childhood and teenage toys.
Yeah. Let's see the picture.
There we go.
A confusing Six Million Dollar Man
in his underpants.
Hey, when he's been running really
fast, he gets hot.
What's beginning with G?
It's Greg's toy collection.
You were hoping to humiliate me with
these toys, weren't you?
'No, I thought you would be excited
to see toys you probably haven't
seen for 40 years.
I am. I'm excited to see
this Six Million Dollar Man.
The glove puppets were my sister's,
so fuck you.
Well, I think that "fuck you" should
be directed at your mother,
because she said...
She said you'd say that.
APPLAUSE
James. Yes. So far the worst
round in Taskmaster history.
Can you save it?
I'm pretty sure I can.
Gandhi's glasses.
Did you just get any old glasses
and say they are his glasses?
No. Did not do that.
Those are Gandhi's glasses.
Mahatma Gandhi's glasses?
They are Mahatma Gandhi's glasses.
He had a vision for the world,
and he was given vision
by those glasses.
It does say on the Internet
that Gandhi's glasses
sold in 2009 for 1.8 million.
Oh, OK.
Over the years they've gone
down in value.
It seems they're just an old pair of
glasses and a lot of bullshit.
OK, for the first time in
Taskmaster history,
no-one is getting five points
for this round.
I'm going to give two people two
points and three people one point.
Two points for Rhod, and I'm going
to give two points to James.
For Gandhi's glasses?
What?!
These three, absolutely shit.
That's it.
Two points, two points, you get one.
That have our first proper task,
Alex.
OK, we have a task that is off the
wall, by Michael Jackson. Ready?
Hello. Hello, Jessica.
Hmm...
"Throw something into the bin on the
other side of this fence.
This fence? Yes.
"You may not use ladders,
you may not touch the fence,
"and you must stay this side
of the fence."
'"You may not use ladders."
That chair is a ladder.
'That's not a ladder. It is a ladder.
That is not a ladder.
'It is a ladder. That is not a
ladder. It is a ladder. That is not
a ladder. It is a ladder.
'It's not a ladder. It looks like
a ladder. It's not a ladder.
'It is a ladder. That is not
a ladder. It is a ladder.
"Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."
I can't see. Can I drill a hole?
No.
'I keep fighting this instinct to
characterise you as a sort of
cockney wideboy.
'You keep doing things like,
COCKNEY ACCENT: "I'll get a drill,
drill a hole in it."
"That's it, sorted!"
I don't know what the problem is.
I don't have a problem with that.
It delights me.
Watching you argue whether a ladder
is not a ladder is honestly
like every conversation I've ever
had with you.
It's not. There you go.
Do you want to start by watching
James Acaster going berserk?
Of course I do.
I mean, we all know what I'm about
to do, and it's going to be...
No! Why did I do that?
Why did I even try that?
No?
Not in the bin. Not in the bin.
Not in the bin.
Not in the bin.
Not in the bin.
Oh! Sorry, guys.
Not in the bin.
Not in the bin.
Nothing in the bin.
Aha! I can see it.
This general area.
Not in the bin.
Alex? Can you give me a hand?
Put it down there, please.
CLANG
CLANG
Not in the bin. It does have to go
into the bin. Yes.
All the fezzes at once.
HE GROANS IN FRUSTRATION
Good shot, James. Yep.
So, your initial impulse,
just start throwing stuff.
Yeah. I thought that maybe the first
thing I threw would go in,
and then I'd be a hero.
And everyone would go crazy.
And what happened was, I'm not
exaggerating,
a waking nightmare.
I...
..was so stressed out during
all of that,
even more stressful when I watched
it back and realised I got
the location of the bin
completely wrong.
76 items, he threw.
It took 19 minutes and 10 seconds.
OK, who's next?
We're going to see two people whose
extended names are the same as
two digital brands. It's Philips
and Jessops. Phil and Jess.
Right.
Oh, God! Be very careful.
Oh, God! Don't let go.
I've just remembered that I haven't
got anything to throw.
There's a bin. And there's a guy
playing golf.
It seems like very far away.
But I feel like there is
another closer bin.
What are you throwing?
My hairband.
Oh, come on.
Aha!
Overshot.
SHE GROANS IN FRUSTRATION
CLANG
HE EXHALES
Hey hey!
APPLAUSE
SLOW MOTION: Hey hey!
Yay!
SLOW MOTION, HIGH PITCHED: Yay!
Thank you for the opportunity.
APPLAUSE
So, the old bin and tyre
technique, eh?
The old bin and tyre.
It was very, very quick.
No, it wasn't.
It would've been quick if you'd done
it quicker. You took...
..seven minutes and 35 seconds.
That's really fast.
Phil tried to do something clever
initially, right?
Well, he spotted a bin way off
in the distance. Yeah.
Which turned out to be just part
of the golf course.
'And so I thought there's actually
another bin which is really close,
which is right next to the...
That's what I thought you had
presumed,
there was a sneaky bin there,
but there wasn't.
So, once I established there wasn't
anything close,
jumped on a drawing table, saw it,
and just wanged that satsuma
into the bin.
An apple, but, yes.
Was it a good time? Tell me now.
Seven minutes and 35 to beat.
Seven minutes...
..19.
PHIL: Hot damn!
JAMES: So fast!
Right, off you go. Have a break.
Make it snappy.
We've got great TV to make here,
for God's sake.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome back to
Taskmaster. What's going on, Alex?
LAUGHTER
We had a little task taking place
where the contestants had to
get something in a bin on the
other side of the fence.
Tricky, but not as tricky as
James made it look.
Next up, we've got Rhod and Kerry.
Let me just see if I can hear
anything.
THUD
Well, I don't know where the bin is,
do I? It's not there.
Ow. Is anything in it yet? No.
There's nothing there.
Watch the back of my head.
Right, I've got you.
ELECTRIC DRILL
Oh, right.
DRILL WHIRS
Oh. I don't see how I'm
going to do this.
Oh, that's a stupid idea.
Are we ready? Yeah. Get a bit
closer. To what? To you? The fence.
OK. Not to me!
Oh!
Yes!
APPLAUSE
Yes! Yes!
SLOW-MO: Yes! Yes!
Victory at all costs, is it? Yeah.
'You didn't know if there was a party
of toddlers behind that fence, did
you?
Just started shotgunning
pebbles over there.
It was scatter-gun though.
Nobody else went scatter-gun.
I should get a point for
scatter-gun.
He's the only one who thought,
"I'm going to cover a wide area."
Scatter-gun.
Credit where credit's due.
It's almost more sensible to use
pebbles to cover a large area
than to just toss a drainpipe over.
LAUGHTER
Well, you say that,
but a drainpipe is long, isn't it,
so I thought it would cover quite a
lot of mass, so I'd go "dunk".
And I did glean that it wasn't
where it landed.
They were fast, I'll tell you that.
They weren't. One of them was. Oh.
LAUGHTER
I think this gravel voiced
gimp has done it.
'The gravel voiced gimp used gravel
and got it in in three minutes,
17 seconds.
Wow. Bloody hell.
APPLAUSE
'I mean, that's sort of slightly
undermined by the "gravel
voiced gimp," but I'll take it.
Kerry got two seconds
and 12 minutes.
So, James obviously one point for
the last place and Kerry two,
'Jess three, Phil four, but Rhod
Gilbert wins the task in five
points. Shotgun!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Do another current scoreboard? Yes.
This episode we have two people,
James and Kerry,
in joint last, but in the lead with
seven points, it's Rhod Gilbert!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right, another lovely task, please.
OK, it's a quick one.
Blink and you'll miss it.
Hello. Hi, Kerry.
Pulley system.
You want me to give
this a little tug? Yes, please.
Oh.
Too much of a tug. Yeah, that was.
"Don't blink." Oops.
"Don't blink. Last to blink wins."
"Last to blink wins."
Right, I want to get them out. How
many times do you blink in a day?
Your time starts in ten seconds.
1,200 times per hour.
1,200 times an hour. So 28,800 times
a day. 28,800 times a day.
So, if I blink 28,800 times now,
and then I read the rest of the
card...
I should be in.
APPLAUSE
'I am not 100% convinced that you
don't think that a human has a
blink quota.
Of course I don't. Don't be silly.
But I thought I'd give it a go.
OK, well, here are quite a few of
them giving it a go.
Where do I look? Into the camera,
please. That one? Yeah.
I'll blow the whistle in seven
seconds now. Good luck.
Three seconds.
Two, one...
WHISTLE BLOWS
Ah!
Oh.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Actually, I'm doing all right here.
This is just how I talk to
people anyway.
You all right? Yeah.
Oh, I think I just blinked.
Oh, there's a blink.
SHE LAUGHS
Wow.
That was quite good.
What was that? How many seconds?
Well, it was one minute, 17 seconds.
That's quite a lot for a human.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, God! What?
I just don't know what you mean,
"quite a lot for a human."
Some animals don't blink at all,
do they? She's got a point.
Is that true? Hamsters only wink,
genuinely true.
Fish and snakes don't.
What do you mean hamsters only wink?
They can only do one eye at a time.
Saucy little devils.
James... Just weird, mate.
That is how I imagine you sleep.
It was exactly the opposite
technique to Phil.
Before the task he shut his eyes for
a full five seconds.
If he'd then kept then shut,
there would have been no blink.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
It's so obvious now!
A seven-year-old came up with that,
genuinely.
We haven't mentioned Kerry's
attempt. She came last.
She only didn't blink
for 11 seconds.
Then Phil with 12 seconds,
James with 12.4 seconds,
but so far Jess in the lead
with 77 seconds.
APPLAUSE
When we separate one,
it's for one of two reasons.
It's gone very well or it's gone
very, very badly.
I'd say this one is genuinely a bit
of both. Yeah. A bit of both!
Here is the other one.
Are you going
to tell me when I start? Yeah.
I'll count you down.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Well, this is fucking agony.
Have you got anything like, um...
superglue or a staple gun or
something like that?
Gaffer tape might do it, actually.
Yeah. God, please,
get the gaffer tape on there.
It's killing me.
Like this? Yeah.
I've got my eyes firmly open,
don't you worry about that.
I'm not sure that's
gaffer taped them at all.
I think you've just given me
a bandanna.
If you want something worth doing...
Hang on a minute, I'm just going
to have to tip... Tip the tears out.
That's a bit better.
Oh, that was... Oh! Oh!
Your right eye is the worry,
I think. Yeah.
That's where most of the pain is.
Oh, I think I blinked then.
Did I blink then?
Did I? I think...
Was that the blink?
I think it is. I think... I don't
even know what I'm doing any more.
Oh! Oh!
APPLAUSE
Genuinely horrifying to watch.
It's like a scene from
A Clockwork Orange.
I mean, honestly, hand on heart,
15 years of friendship,
that's the most impressed
I've ever been with you.
I mean, he smashed it, surely.
He did.
I would say that you do get genuine
staring competitions.
In Australia, they film it.
The Australian Broadcasting
Corporation said,
"At around 17 minutes,
the crowd became agitated.
"At 30 minutes, the contestants
confessed to boredom.
"And then at 35,
the winner felt like
"he was getting a tattoo on
his eyeball."
WINCING
It is painful because your corneas
dry up. It is terrible, yeah.
You lasted seven minutes
and ten seconds.
Jesus! Oh, my God!
APPLAUSE
Rhod!
Don't try that at home. Which means
that Kerry gets one point,
two points to Phil, three points
to James, four to Jess,
obviously, Rhod Gilbert
gets all five points.
There we are.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
OK, everyone, I'd just like to take
the chance to thank you
for watching the first two
parts of the show.
You've done a great job.
I'm so proud of you.
Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
There's some prize-worthy guacamole
seriously on the turn up there,
so we need to crack right on
with a new task.
And this one is a team one.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Hello. Wow.
OK.
Hi, Phil.
Hello, Rhod. Hello, James.
Make the best extension
to the Taskmaster house.
You have 30 minutes.
Your time starts now.
Right! Come on.
Build an extension.
Well, we need a foreman.
Phil, you're dressed like a foreman.
LAUGHTER
Nice extension for my little house.
Somewhere I can relax.
Let's start with
the former soap stars
turned home improvement presenters,
it's Donna and Donna. OK?
We're going to do this in under
30 minutes if anything. Easy.
Do we need guttering?
Because if it rains...
I'm going to say that we can
probably go easy on the guttering.
Oh, my God, the garage is open.
OK, look,
these are sturdier bits of pole.
Look at these massive spoons!
Oh, mate, that's...
That's not going to work.
One bit of bad weather
and that's not going to hold.
You've got eight minutes.
Just going to put a throw
cushion in there. Yes.
Cat flap? Yeah.
Cat for the cat flap.
What more can we do?
I am actually happy with that.
Let's have a cup of tea in it.
Oh, no, there's no cups.
Let's have a banana, then.
Just a celebratory banana. Banana.
Honey, I'm home!
Yoo-hoo!
WHISTLE
APPLAUSE
I mean, classic Godliman
quotes there.
"No, no, no...
"No, one bit of bad weather,
that's not going to hold."
First of all, it was sensible.
Approached it sensibly.
Then you went the other side of that
with "Look at these massive spoons."
Can we have a look
at the end product? Yeah.
It's worth admiring
the ambitious brickwork
which is the other way
round to normal.
The only thing that is missing
from that house
is two litres of white cider.
Can I ask a question? Yes, James.
Was the garage open for us as well?
You will see.
I mean, it absolutely was,
but you'll see, James...
We could have gone
in the garage? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
I...
Oh, my God.
Well, we've seen Phil's
extension before, so...
..high hopes for him and his team.
Here is how they got on.
Can't we move the shed?
We take all the stuff out, we knock
the back out then we lift it up
and we put it down
by the front door.
You've said "lift it up" like that's
going to be a very easy thing to do.
Don't even want to know what
he's thinking about.
That's going to be a help.
Rhod? Maybe give me a hand?
30 minutes, Rhod. 30 minutes.
I've got an idea.
And we're going to need a lorry.
But...
Where are we going to get a lorry?
Reverse the lorry onto the
front of the house... Uh-huh?
And that is a better
extension than this.
Well, phone a lorry, then!
And we'll do this while
you're phoning a lorry.
You do that. Right. He's nearly 50.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Hmm... I guess that was always
going to happen.
Get some furniture
from inside the house.
Where's the lorry?
Couldn't get a lorry.
I'm making an extension here.
Well, why aren't you doing it
with us down there?!
Well, if we do two,
we'll have a better shot at it.
Absolutely ridiculous.
PHIL: Rhod, what is that?
Don't try and reason with him, Phil!
Pass us that tape, Philip.
The one here?
JAMES: What?!
PHIL: He did... They're very
charming, the Irish.
Well, how's yours going?
Going all right
when Phil was helping me.
PHIL: So you've done two extensions,
have you?
That's not an extension.
That's a poster.
What do you think?
You've written extension
on the garage.
Done.
Well, thank you.
I wanted to be on the girls' team
really badly.
APPLAUSE
In seven series, we have never had a
group break up during a team task.
He didn't want to join us.
Me and Phil...
He made me foreman
and then fucked off.
We'd done tasks all day together
by that point.
That was our final one. Yeah.
And I don't know how you've been
friends with him for so long.
LAUGHTER
I didn't know until we watched that
that at one point,
he opened the garage,
saw it and then did that.
Like, that blows my mind more
than anything else!
I thought on the day,
oh, it's bad enough that he's done
that and put the cardboard on
and gone "This is an extension"
and then kind of looked at us like,
"What the fuck you going
to do about that?"
and then gone back in the house.
I didn't know he'd also gone,
"Oh, the perfect stuff."
And done that shit.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
This is what Rhod did.
There we go.
I've appropriated
an existing structure.
You quite like it, I can see.
No, no, I don't like it.
The fact that it's an existing
structure means that it's not
an extension to my house.
I want to set fire to it.
This is what the little boys did.
And now I don't know who to hate.
OK, this is what I'm going to do.
Kerry and Jess, great cooperation.
Oh, lovely. A wonderful
final product. Thank you.
And a lovely home life
they've created for themselves.
I'm going to give them
four points each. Four points each.
Congratulations to the ladies.
APPLAUSE
And just because I can't bear
to give no points out,
I'm going to give Rhod and the
spineless Phil one point each.
I was being kind!
OK, one point.
I was being kind to the elderly.
LAUGHTER
You've got to learn.
Listen, you've got to learn.
It's too late for him.
He'll be in a home. In five,
six years, he'll be in a home.
Oh, and I'm going to build
an extension on that home.
APPLAUSE
James, I felt his pain.
I loved it.
So I'm going to give
James two points.
So, one point to each of these,
four points to these
and two points to James Acaster.
All right.
What's the next task?
It's a seasonal task.
Oh, hi.
Hello, Jess.
It's a party...hat.
Do I put that all before
I read the task? I don't know.
Shall I? I don't know yet.
Oh...
Make the best Christmas cracker.
You have ten minutes
to order your materials
and 20 minutes to make
your Christmas cracker.
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
Your time starts now.
OK...
These are the bits of crap
that I've received over the years
in a cracker -
tiny, tiny screwdrivers,
tiny tape measures,
little torch... Mm-hm?
Just going to shut out the voices.
You went into a trance?
Well, I found a technique was to
try and lock out
some of the worst madness.
I should say, Rhod had his eyes
shut for nine minutes.
Would have won the blinking
task with that.
OK, well, should we start with
Rhod and Jess's crackers together?
Oh, no. Yes!
It's amazing because when you see
it in Greg's hand,
it's a totally normal-sized cracker.
And, then...
OK, ready?
Pull the cracker! One, two, three!
Merry Christmas, Taskmaster!
Oh, hang on a second.
Bang!
Get the present out.
Oh, look at that.
Oh, wow, magical.
There's your hat.
Inside is a lovely vanity kit
for the Taskmaster,
including nail file, cotton buds...
..and little tweezers.
There's your Christmas joke. You can
read that, we can have a laugh.
What do penguins eat for Christmas
dinner?
Iceberg lettuce.
SHE FAKE LAUGHS
Oh! That's terrible!
That's what everyone does
cos it's Christmas.
What's that? Lovely, made-to-measure
Christmas hat for the Taskmaster.
His head is, essentially...
It's the same size as one human head
plus a horse's head
immediately next to it.
What's that?
It's a credit card.
It's my credit card.
Oh! Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Taskmaster.
There was a sense of Christmas
wonder on your face
throughout that I enjoyed. Oh, good.
What was the credit card all about?
I actually asked for an iPad but,
then... And a puppy. And a puppy.
You were going to put a live puppy?
Obviously, live!
Happy Christmas!
I realised that I couldn't
fit it into the tube.
So, I stole Alex's credit card.
Right.
I think that's the nicest
you've ever been to me.
There were some genuinely nice
touches in there. And thoughtful.
I loved your personal vanity could.
Thank you.
Then you went and ruined it
by suggesting my head is the size
of one person's normal head
plus a horse's head.
Right. This, ladies and gentlemen,
is how part three ends.
Hello! It's part four.
It's Taskmaster, and we are in
the middle of a festive task.
Yes, the best Christmas cracker,
that's all they've got to make.
Next up is Kerry.
Yes, yes!
Oh!
Right.
When we pull it... Uh-huh.
..you have to let
your bangers off at the same time.
One...two...
..three, go!
I'm trying to get...
You've got to want it, haven't you?
You've got to want it.
SHE STRAINS
SHE GIGGLES
Oh!
THEY LET OFF THEIR BANGERS
Hey! I won.
Ooh!
Look! Hat. Yeah.
All the prizes.
We've got the torch, cards,
key ring,
all the crap but not in
a useless size.
Well done, Kerry. Thanks.
Made it a little difficult to pull
that particular cracker.
I thought you just hadn't quite
mastered the system to get
the cracker to break and then Alex
leant over to me and went,
"Just so you know,
that's just a drainpipe."
You knew it was just a drainpipe
and you still committed to it.
We both thought one of us might win.
I like the idea of upscaling the
rubbish gifts to full-size gifts.
To normal useful-size. Was there
a joke in there? Yes. Well, no.
We couldn't show it cos she put
in two pages of A4,
which was her whole Edinburgh show.
Who's next? Two former friends,
Phil and James.
Merry Christmas.
And a happy New Year.
Merry Christmas, Alex. Whoever wins
the cracker will get this crown,
which I think you'll find is a much
higher quality crown
than you usually get in a cracker.
It's not in the cracker. But it's
part of the cracker set.
Are you ready? Yes.
Merry Christmas!
I think I won.
Merry Christmas!
Can I put the crown on?
Yeah, yeah, sorry.
Well done.
There's Bisto but you just add
water to that
and then you've got gravy as well.
Read it.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
I don't know,
why does Santa have three gardens?
None of your business.
And you wear it as a hat. Pardon?
You wear this as a hat as well.
What is Santa's favourite number?
I don't know, what is Santa's
favourite number?
Twelves.
Twelves because "elves" in it.
So, when people say "What's your
favourite number?"
to Santa, he says "Twelves"?
Yeah, just put it on your head.
The gravy makes it stick.
They've both gone down a very
similar route here,
a full Christmas. A just add water
Christmas dinner. Yeah.
No water needed for mine. No, and a
full bottle of wine, which is...
..incredible.
My one came with fork and knives
and mine you could take outside
into the woods.
Where we all love
to spend Christmas.
Out in the woods.
In one of Santa's gardens.
So, I'm going to tell you this.
I like providing a whole Christmas
but I don't like it thrown
all over the floor. So, I'm going to
give Phil Wang five points.
Holy shit!
Everyone else's very festive,
lots to commend all of them.
I'm going to give them
all three points.
OK, three, three, three, five,
three, there we go.
Right, everyone on that side of
the room, please stand up and
move yourselves to the stage
for the final task of the show!
Who's going read the task out?
Kerry Godliman is going to
read the task out.
"Walk over and hit that drum
"in exactly 9.58 seconds.
"Also, there are two bonus points
for the person
"with the most magnificent...walk."
The four who are not walking
are going to be blindfolded,
in case they get hints on what is
most magnificent.
James, you're first.
Where going left-to-right.
Not me first! Come on, James.
Does anyone have any questions? What
happens if we fall off the stage?
You don't need to walk blindfolded.
You should be all right.
OK, Greg,
are you ready for the first walk?
I'm ready for the first walk
in 9.58 seconds.
On my whistle...here we go.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Hand on heart, that is not far away
from your normal walk.
Next to walk is Jessica Knappett.
Good luck, Jess.
WHISTLE BLOWS
AUDIENCE GASPS
Shit.
I am fine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Are you all right? I feel fine.
I think it was worth it.
LAUGHTER
Please tell me you fell off.
She set the bar pretty high.
Kerry Godliman,
please remove your blindfold.
Unless you're going to set yourself
on fire, you're not going to win.
Please walk on the whistle.
WHISTLE BLOWS
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight...nine!
Wow! What a horrible character.
Phil Wang.
Please walk on the whistle.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Welcome, Rhod.
OK, I need you for this.
I will do whatever you say,
if you could start on the mark.
You're going to walk me down the...
Am I?
It's nice to know Jess isn't the
only one who's going to get hurt.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Come down here for the final scores!
Well...that was eventful.
If I don't win this task now...
..you are dead inside.
I mean...
Ladies and gentlemen, two points
for the most magnificent walk.
Let's hear about the timings.
It is less good news
for Jess in terms of...
..who was closest to 9.58 seconds.
Just struck the drum
after 27.20 seconds.
In fourth place, gaining two points,
he struck the drum after
6.1 seconds,
3.48 seconds out, that's Phil Wang.
Two points.
Very close to that,
very close to that in third place,
6.15 seconds was Kerry Godliman,
so you get three points.
Despite my counting!
And exactly - this is amazing -
exactly 11.18 seconds...
..James Acaster, in second place,
four points.
Rhod Gilbert, walking on his hands,
struck it in nine seconds
and wins five points!
Blimey!
Yes, blimey, as it means now
in the series scoreboard,
Phil Wang has hit 100 points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We then have James on 116,
Rhod and Kerry both on 124,
but the hero, Jess, is on 127!
In today's episode,
do you want to hear who won? Yeah.
It was not tied to the end.
Our runaway leader with 21 points
is Mr Rhod Gilbert!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Please go and collect
your exciting things,
beginning with the letter G,
Rhod Gilbert!
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learned that whatever has
happened at work, you might
have had an argument with your boss,
or you might have
fallen off a stage, but at least
none of you have felt
anywhere near as angry as this.
And Rhod Gilbert won of course.
Sensational skills and triumph of
humanity. Episode eight next.
Have a nice little rest
and we'll see you there. Bye!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
Hello, and welcome to another
chapter in the tale of Taskmaster.
I'm your narrator, Greg Davies.
Now, this head needs a new owner,
and these are the only five
people on the planet capable of
claiming it.
They are James Acaster...
CHEERING
..Jessica Knappett...
CHEERING
..Kerry Godliman...
CHEERING
..Phil Wang...
CHEERING
..and Rhod Gilbert.
CHEERING
And splattered all over the chair
next to me is the
rancorous pustule of a human being,
that happens to be very good at
Microsoft Excel,
it's little Alex Horne.
Thank you, Greg, very nice of you.
Hello. Hello, Greg.
Thank you for the compliment.
Nothing?
I'm waiting, Alex. We normally have
a chat during the introduction.
Yes. I'm feeling very chilled today.
I feel good in myself. Do you?
I know what you were hoping for.
I know what you were hoping for,
and I know it took hours. Yes.
This is what you get when you try
and get that much attention.
Nothing.
So, what's the prize task, Alex?
'We've asked them to bring in the
most exciting thing beginning
with G. OK.
'And you, of course, know what mine
is. It's your special spot.
I shouldn't...
Oh, my God!
The person or woman that's brought
in the most exciting thing...
JESSICA: "Person or woman"!
..who's brought in the most exciting
thing beginning with G
will get five wholesome points.
Philip, hello. Oh, hi, Greg.
What's the thing,
the G thing you've brought in?
A gold $5 bill.
I think you'll agree this is very
exciting.
It's money made out of...
You OK? No, no, I'm good.
It's money made out of gold.
I bought this at Lincoln Memorial,
and I haggled for it.
The shopkeeper said "This is $30."
I said, "15".
And she said "30".
And I said "20".
And he said "30".
So I paid $30 for this bill.
But I...
You might have paid $30,
but if you look closely at the back,
there is a price tag as well.
Can you see it?
Well, goodness me. Kerry.
Right, my thing is guacamole.
OK. And...
What?
You heard Phil's, did you?
I'm irritated already.
Tell me it's not a bowl of
guacamole.
Yes, it is.
Let's have a look at it.
JESSICA: It doesn't even look very
nice.
I'm a better shade of green
than that, Kerry.
Come on, Kerry.
I think guacamole is exciting
because it's delicious. Right.
OK, wait.
And it's got a very narrow window of
good times,
cos it goes brown, doesn't it?
Literally the next day.
You don't ever eat it alone, it's a
shared dish. It's a party dish.
Oh, you can read his alone,
can't you, Alex?
I often do.
OK, I see where you're coming from.
What?
That it's shit.
Jess?
Most exciting thing beginning
with G. Ooh, what?
Most exciting PERSON
beginning with G...
JAMES: Oh, no.
Greg!
Greg...
Signed Greg Davies merch.
So, I asked you to sign it,
but then you started asking me
questions about who it was for.
And you said it was for your dad,
and that he was a big fan of mine.
Yes.
And then you said, "What's your
dad's name?"
And then I thought it had to begin
with G, cos I got confused,
pretended it's Gordon.
But it's still exciting.
So, that whole thing the other
night was a total lie?
What's your dad really called?
Peter.
Rhod. It's an exciting thing
beginning with G. Please.
Well, I took a little trip
down to Wem.
That's my hometown.
Your mum showed me round all your
childhood and teenage toys.
Yeah. Let's see the picture.
There we go.
A confusing Six Million Dollar Man
in his underpants.
Hey, when he's been running really
fast, he gets hot.
What's beginning with G?
It's Greg's toy collection.
You were hoping to humiliate me with
these toys, weren't you?
'No, I thought you would be excited
to see toys you probably haven't
seen for 40 years.
I am. I'm excited to see
this Six Million Dollar Man.
The glove puppets were my sister's,
so fuck you.
Well, I think that "fuck you" should
be directed at your mother,
because she said...
She said you'd say that.
APPLAUSE
James. Yes. So far the worst
round in Taskmaster history.
Can you save it?
I'm pretty sure I can.
Gandhi's glasses.
Did you just get any old glasses
and say they are his glasses?
No. Did not do that.
Those are Gandhi's glasses.
Mahatma Gandhi's glasses?
They are Mahatma Gandhi's glasses.
He had a vision for the world,
and he was given vision
by those glasses.
It does say on the Internet
that Gandhi's glasses
sold in 2009 for 1.8 million.
Oh, OK.
Over the years they've gone
down in value.
It seems they're just an old pair of
glasses and a lot of bullshit.
OK, for the first time in
Taskmaster history,
no-one is getting five points
for this round.
I'm going to give two people two
points and three people one point.
Two points for Rhod, and I'm going
to give two points to James.
For Gandhi's glasses?
What?!
These three, absolutely shit.
That's it.
Two points, two points, you get one.
That have our first proper task,
Alex.
OK, we have a task that is off the
wall, by Michael Jackson. Ready?
Hello. Hello, Jessica.
Hmm...
"Throw something into the bin on the
other side of this fence.
This fence? Yes.
"You may not use ladders,
you may not touch the fence,
"and you must stay this side
of the fence."
'"You may not use ladders."
That chair is a ladder.
'That's not a ladder. It is a ladder.
That is not a ladder.
'It is a ladder. That is not a
ladder. It is a ladder. That is not
a ladder. It is a ladder.
'It's not a ladder. It looks like
a ladder. It's not a ladder.
'It is a ladder. That is not
a ladder. It is a ladder.
"Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."
I can't see. Can I drill a hole?
No.
'I keep fighting this instinct to
characterise you as a sort of
cockney wideboy.
'You keep doing things like,
COCKNEY ACCENT: "I'll get a drill,
drill a hole in it."
"That's it, sorted!"
I don't know what the problem is.
I don't have a problem with that.
It delights me.
Watching you argue whether a ladder
is not a ladder is honestly
like every conversation I've ever
had with you.
It's not. There you go.
Do you want to start by watching
James Acaster going berserk?
Of course I do.
I mean, we all know what I'm about
to do, and it's going to be...
No! Why did I do that?
Why did I even try that?
No?
Not in the bin. Not in the bin.
Not in the bin.
Not in the bin.
Not in the bin.
Oh! Sorry, guys.
Not in the bin.
Not in the bin.
Nothing in the bin.
Aha! I can see it.
This general area.
Not in the bin.
Alex? Can you give me a hand?
Put it down there, please.
CLANG
CLANG
Not in the bin. It does have to go
into the bin. Yes.
All the fezzes at once.
HE GROANS IN FRUSTRATION
Good shot, James. Yep.
So, your initial impulse,
just start throwing stuff.
Yeah. I thought that maybe the first
thing I threw would go in,
and then I'd be a hero.
And everyone would go crazy.
And what happened was, I'm not
exaggerating,
a waking nightmare.
I...
..was so stressed out during
all of that,
even more stressful when I watched
it back and realised I got
the location of the bin
completely wrong.
76 items, he threw.
It took 19 minutes and 10 seconds.
OK, who's next?
We're going to see two people whose
extended names are the same as
two digital brands. It's Philips
and Jessops. Phil and Jess.
Right.
Oh, God! Be very careful.
Oh, God! Don't let go.
I've just remembered that I haven't
got anything to throw.
There's a bin. And there's a guy
playing golf.
It seems like very far away.
But I feel like there is
another closer bin.
What are you throwing?
My hairband.
Oh, come on.
Aha!
Overshot.
SHE GROANS IN FRUSTRATION
CLANG
HE EXHALES
Hey hey!
APPLAUSE
SLOW MOTION: Hey hey!
Yay!
SLOW MOTION, HIGH PITCHED: Yay!
Thank you for the opportunity.
APPLAUSE
So, the old bin and tyre
technique, eh?
The old bin and tyre.
It was very, very quick.
No, it wasn't.
It would've been quick if you'd done
it quicker. You took...
..seven minutes and 35 seconds.
That's really fast.
Phil tried to do something clever
initially, right?
Well, he spotted a bin way off
in the distance. Yeah.
Which turned out to be just part
of the golf course.
'And so I thought there's actually
another bin which is really close,
which is right next to the...
That's what I thought you had
presumed,
there was a sneaky bin there,
but there wasn't.
So, once I established there wasn't
anything close,
jumped on a drawing table, saw it,
and just wanged that satsuma
into the bin.
An apple, but, yes.
Was it a good time? Tell me now.
Seven minutes and 35 to beat.
Seven minutes...
..19.
PHIL: Hot damn!
JAMES: So fast!
Right, off you go. Have a break.
Make it snappy.
We've got great TV to make here,
for God's sake.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome back to
Taskmaster. What's going on, Alex?
LAUGHTER
We had a little task taking place
where the contestants had to
get something in a bin on the
other side of the fence.
Tricky, but not as tricky as
James made it look.
Next up, we've got Rhod and Kerry.
Let me just see if I can hear
anything.
THUD
Well, I don't know where the bin is,
do I? It's not there.
Ow. Is anything in it yet? No.
There's nothing there.
Watch the back of my head.
Right, I've got you.
ELECTRIC DRILL
Oh, right.
DRILL WHIRS
Oh. I don't see how I'm
going to do this.
Oh, that's a stupid idea.
Are we ready? Yeah. Get a bit
closer. To what? To you? The fence.
OK. Not to me!
Oh!
Yes!
APPLAUSE
Yes! Yes!
SLOW-MO: Yes! Yes!
Victory at all costs, is it? Yeah.
'You didn't know if there was a party
of toddlers behind that fence, did
you?
Just started shotgunning
pebbles over there.
It was scatter-gun though.
Nobody else went scatter-gun.
I should get a point for
scatter-gun.
He's the only one who thought,
"I'm going to cover a wide area."
Scatter-gun.
Credit where credit's due.
It's almost more sensible to use
pebbles to cover a large area
than to just toss a drainpipe over.
LAUGHTER
Well, you say that,
but a drainpipe is long, isn't it,
so I thought it would cover quite a
lot of mass, so I'd go "dunk".
And I did glean that it wasn't
where it landed.
They were fast, I'll tell you that.
They weren't. One of them was. Oh.
LAUGHTER
I think this gravel voiced
gimp has done it.
'The gravel voiced gimp used gravel
and got it in in three minutes,
17 seconds.
Wow. Bloody hell.
APPLAUSE
'I mean, that's sort of slightly
undermined by the "gravel
voiced gimp," but I'll take it.
Kerry got two seconds
and 12 minutes.
So, James obviously one point for
the last place and Kerry two,
'Jess three, Phil four, but Rhod
Gilbert wins the task in five
points. Shotgun!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Do another current scoreboard? Yes.
This episode we have two people,
James and Kerry,
in joint last, but in the lead with
seven points, it's Rhod Gilbert!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right, another lovely task, please.
OK, it's a quick one.
Blink and you'll miss it.
Hello. Hi, Kerry.
Pulley system.
You want me to give
this a little tug? Yes, please.
Oh.
Too much of a tug. Yeah, that was.
"Don't blink." Oops.
"Don't blink. Last to blink wins."
"Last to blink wins."
Right, I want to get them out. How
many times do you blink in a day?
Your time starts in ten seconds.
1,200 times per hour.
1,200 times an hour. So 28,800 times
a day. 28,800 times a day.
So, if I blink 28,800 times now,
and then I read the rest of the
card...
I should be in.
APPLAUSE
'I am not 100% convinced that you
don't think that a human has a
blink quota.
Of course I don't. Don't be silly.
But I thought I'd give it a go.
OK, well, here are quite a few of
them giving it a go.
Where do I look? Into the camera,
please. That one? Yeah.
I'll blow the whistle in seven
seconds now. Good luck.
Three seconds.
Two, one...
WHISTLE BLOWS
Ah!
Oh.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Actually, I'm doing all right here.
This is just how I talk to
people anyway.
You all right? Yeah.
Oh, I think I just blinked.
Oh, there's a blink.
SHE LAUGHS
Wow.
That was quite good.
What was that? How many seconds?
Well, it was one minute, 17 seconds.
That's quite a lot for a human.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, God! What?
I just don't know what you mean,
"quite a lot for a human."
Some animals don't blink at all,
do they? She's got a point.
Is that true? Hamsters only wink,
genuinely true.
Fish and snakes don't.
What do you mean hamsters only wink?
They can only do one eye at a time.
Saucy little devils.
James... Just weird, mate.
That is how I imagine you sleep.
It was exactly the opposite
technique to Phil.
Before the task he shut his eyes for
a full five seconds.
If he'd then kept then shut,
there would have been no blink.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
It's so obvious now!
A seven-year-old came up with that,
genuinely.
We haven't mentioned Kerry's
attempt. She came last.
She only didn't blink
for 11 seconds.
Then Phil with 12 seconds,
James with 12.4 seconds,
but so far Jess in the lead
with 77 seconds.
APPLAUSE
When we separate one,
it's for one of two reasons.
It's gone very well or it's gone
very, very badly.
I'd say this one is genuinely a bit
of both. Yeah. A bit of both!
Here is the other one.
Are you going
to tell me when I start? Yeah.
I'll count you down.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Well, this is fucking agony.
Have you got anything like, um...
superglue or a staple gun or
something like that?
Gaffer tape might do it, actually.
Yeah. God, please,
get the gaffer tape on there.
It's killing me.
Like this? Yeah.
I've got my eyes firmly open,
don't you worry about that.
I'm not sure that's
gaffer taped them at all.
I think you've just given me
a bandanna.
If you want something worth doing...
Hang on a minute, I'm just going
to have to tip... Tip the tears out.
That's a bit better.
Oh, that was... Oh! Oh!
Your right eye is the worry,
I think. Yeah.
That's where most of the pain is.
Oh, I think I blinked then.
Did I blink then?
Did I? I think...
Was that the blink?
I think it is. I think... I don't
even know what I'm doing any more.
Oh! Oh!
APPLAUSE
Genuinely horrifying to watch.
It's like a scene from
A Clockwork Orange.
I mean, honestly, hand on heart,
15 years of friendship,
that's the most impressed
I've ever been with you.
I mean, he smashed it, surely.
He did.
I would say that you do get genuine
staring competitions.
In Australia, they film it.
The Australian Broadcasting
Corporation said,
"At around 17 minutes,
the crowd became agitated.
"At 30 minutes, the contestants
confessed to boredom.
"And then at 35,
the winner felt like
"he was getting a tattoo on
his eyeball."
WINCING
It is painful because your corneas
dry up. It is terrible, yeah.
You lasted seven minutes
and ten seconds.
Jesus! Oh, my God!
APPLAUSE
Rhod!
Don't try that at home. Which means
that Kerry gets one point,
two points to Phil, three points
to James, four to Jess,
obviously, Rhod Gilbert
gets all five points.
There we are.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
OK, everyone, I'd just like to take
the chance to thank you
for watching the first two
parts of the show.
You've done a great job.
I'm so proud of you.
Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
There's some prize-worthy guacamole
seriously on the turn up there,
so we need to crack right on
with a new task.
And this one is a team one.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Hello. Wow.
OK.
Hi, Phil.
Hello, Rhod. Hello, James.
Make the best extension
to the Taskmaster house.
You have 30 minutes.
Your time starts now.
Right! Come on.
Build an extension.
Well, we need a foreman.
Phil, you're dressed like a foreman.
LAUGHTER
Nice extension for my little house.
Somewhere I can relax.
Let's start with
the former soap stars
turned home improvement presenters,
it's Donna and Donna. OK?
We're going to do this in under
30 minutes if anything. Easy.
Do we need guttering?
Because if it rains...
I'm going to say that we can
probably go easy on the guttering.
Oh, my God, the garage is open.
OK, look,
these are sturdier bits of pole.
Look at these massive spoons!
Oh, mate, that's...
That's not going to work.
One bit of bad weather
and that's not going to hold.
You've got eight minutes.
Just going to put a throw
cushion in there. Yes.
Cat flap? Yeah.
Cat for the cat flap.
What more can we do?
I am actually happy with that.
Let's have a cup of tea in it.
Oh, no, there's no cups.
Let's have a banana, then.
Just a celebratory banana. Banana.
Honey, I'm home!
Yoo-hoo!
WHISTLE
APPLAUSE
I mean, classic Godliman
quotes there.
"No, no, no...
"No, one bit of bad weather,
that's not going to hold."
First of all, it was sensible.
Approached it sensibly.
Then you went the other side of that
with "Look at these massive spoons."
Can we have a look
at the end product? Yeah.
It's worth admiring
the ambitious brickwork
which is the other way
round to normal.
The only thing that is missing
from that house
is two litres of white cider.
Can I ask a question? Yes, James.
Was the garage open for us as well?
You will see.
I mean, it absolutely was,
but you'll see, James...
We could have gone
in the garage? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
I...
Oh, my God.
Well, we've seen Phil's
extension before, so...
..high hopes for him and his team.
Here is how they got on.
Can't we move the shed?
We take all the stuff out, we knock
the back out then we lift it up
and we put it down
by the front door.
You've said "lift it up" like that's
going to be a very easy thing to do.
Don't even want to know what
he's thinking about.
That's going to be a help.
Rhod? Maybe give me a hand?
30 minutes, Rhod. 30 minutes.
I've got an idea.
And we're going to need a lorry.
But...
Where are we going to get a lorry?
Reverse the lorry onto the
front of the house... Uh-huh?
And that is a better
extension than this.
Well, phone a lorry, then!
And we'll do this while
you're phoning a lorry.
You do that. Right. He's nearly 50.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Hmm... I guess that was always
going to happen.
Get some furniture
from inside the house.
Where's the lorry?
Couldn't get a lorry.
I'm making an extension here.
Well, why aren't you doing it
with us down there?!
Well, if we do two,
we'll have a better shot at it.
Absolutely ridiculous.
PHIL: Rhod, what is that?
Don't try and reason with him, Phil!
Pass us that tape, Philip.
The one here?
JAMES: What?!
PHIL: He did... They're very
charming, the Irish.
Well, how's yours going?
Going all right
when Phil was helping me.
PHIL: So you've done two extensions,
have you?
That's not an extension.
That's a poster.
What do you think?
You've written extension
on the garage.
Done.
Well, thank you.
I wanted to be on the girls' team
really badly.
APPLAUSE
In seven series, we have never had a
group break up during a team task.
He didn't want to join us.
Me and Phil...
He made me foreman
and then fucked off.
We'd done tasks all day together
by that point.
That was our final one. Yeah.
And I don't know how you've been
friends with him for so long.
LAUGHTER
I didn't know until we watched that
that at one point,
he opened the garage,
saw it and then did that.
Like, that blows my mind more
than anything else!
I thought on the day,
oh, it's bad enough that he's done
that and put the cardboard on
and gone "This is an extension"
and then kind of looked at us like,
"What the fuck you going
to do about that?"
and then gone back in the house.
I didn't know he'd also gone,
"Oh, the perfect stuff."
And done that shit.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
This is what Rhod did.
There we go.
I've appropriated
an existing structure.
You quite like it, I can see.
No, no, I don't like it.
The fact that it's an existing
structure means that it's not
an extension to my house.
I want to set fire to it.
This is what the little boys did.
And now I don't know who to hate.
OK, this is what I'm going to do.
Kerry and Jess, great cooperation.
Oh, lovely. A wonderful
final product. Thank you.
And a lovely home life
they've created for themselves.
I'm going to give them
four points each. Four points each.
Congratulations to the ladies.
APPLAUSE
And just because I can't bear
to give no points out,
I'm going to give Rhod and the
spineless Phil one point each.
I was being kind!
OK, one point.
I was being kind to the elderly.
LAUGHTER
You've got to learn.
Listen, you've got to learn.
It's too late for him.
He'll be in a home. In five,
six years, he'll be in a home.
Oh, and I'm going to build
an extension on that home.
APPLAUSE
James, I felt his pain.
I loved it.
So I'm going to give
James two points.
So, one point to each of these,
four points to these
and two points to James Acaster.
All right.
What's the next task?
It's a seasonal task.
Oh, hi.
Hello, Jess.
It's a party...hat.
Do I put that all before
I read the task? I don't know.
Shall I? I don't know yet.
Oh...
Make the best Christmas cracker.
You have ten minutes
to order your materials
and 20 minutes to make
your Christmas cracker.
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
Your time starts now.
OK...
These are the bits of crap
that I've received over the years
in a cracker -
tiny, tiny screwdrivers,
tiny tape measures,
little torch... Mm-hm?
Just going to shut out the voices.
You went into a trance?
Well, I found a technique was to
try and lock out
some of the worst madness.
I should say, Rhod had his eyes
shut for nine minutes.
Would have won the blinking
task with that.
OK, well, should we start with
Rhod and Jess's crackers together?
Oh, no. Yes!
It's amazing because when you see
it in Greg's hand,
it's a totally normal-sized cracker.
And, then...
OK, ready?
Pull the cracker! One, two, three!
Merry Christmas, Taskmaster!
Oh, hang on a second.
Bang!
Get the present out.
Oh, look at that.
Oh, wow, magical.
There's your hat.
Inside is a lovely vanity kit
for the Taskmaster,
including nail file, cotton buds...
..and little tweezers.
There's your Christmas joke. You can
read that, we can have a laugh.
What do penguins eat for Christmas
dinner?
Iceberg lettuce.
SHE FAKE LAUGHS
Oh! That's terrible!
That's what everyone does
cos it's Christmas.
What's that? Lovely, made-to-measure
Christmas hat for the Taskmaster.
His head is, essentially...
It's the same size as one human head
plus a horse's head
immediately next to it.
What's that?
It's a credit card.
It's my credit card.
Oh! Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Taskmaster.
There was a sense of Christmas
wonder on your face
throughout that I enjoyed. Oh, good.
What was the credit card all about?
I actually asked for an iPad but,
then... And a puppy. And a puppy.
You were going to put a live puppy?
Obviously, live!
Happy Christmas!
I realised that I couldn't
fit it into the tube.
So, I stole Alex's credit card.
Right.
I think that's the nicest
you've ever been to me.
There were some genuinely nice
touches in there. And thoughtful.
I loved your personal vanity could.
Thank you.
Then you went and ruined it
by suggesting my head is the size
of one person's normal head
plus a horse's head.
Right. This, ladies and gentlemen,
is how part three ends.
Hello! It's part four.
It's Taskmaster, and we are in
the middle of a festive task.
Yes, the best Christmas cracker,
that's all they've got to make.
Next up is Kerry.
Yes, yes!
Oh!
Right.
When we pull it... Uh-huh.
..you have to let
your bangers off at the same time.
One...two...
..three, go!
I'm trying to get...
You've got to want it, haven't you?
You've got to want it.
SHE STRAINS
SHE GIGGLES
Oh!
THEY LET OFF THEIR BANGERS
Hey! I won.
Ooh!
Look! Hat. Yeah.
All the prizes.
We've got the torch, cards,
key ring,
all the crap but not in
a useless size.
Well done, Kerry. Thanks.
Made it a little difficult to pull
that particular cracker.
I thought you just hadn't quite
mastered the system to get
the cracker to break and then Alex
leant over to me and went,
"Just so you know,
that's just a drainpipe."
You knew it was just a drainpipe
and you still committed to it.
We both thought one of us might win.
I like the idea of upscaling the
rubbish gifts to full-size gifts.
To normal useful-size. Was there
a joke in there? Yes. Well, no.
We couldn't show it cos she put
in two pages of A4,
which was her whole Edinburgh show.
Who's next? Two former friends,
Phil and James.
Merry Christmas.
And a happy New Year.
Merry Christmas, Alex. Whoever wins
the cracker will get this crown,
which I think you'll find is a much
higher quality crown
than you usually get in a cracker.
It's not in the cracker. But it's
part of the cracker set.
Are you ready? Yes.
Merry Christmas!
I think I won.
Merry Christmas!
Can I put the crown on?
Yeah, yeah, sorry.
Well done.
There's Bisto but you just add
water to that
and then you've got gravy as well.
Read it.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
I don't know,
why does Santa have three gardens?
None of your business.
And you wear it as a hat. Pardon?
You wear this as a hat as well.
What is Santa's favourite number?
I don't know, what is Santa's
favourite number?
Twelves.
Twelves because "elves" in it.
So, when people say "What's your
favourite number?"
to Santa, he says "Twelves"?
Yeah, just put it on your head.
The gravy makes it stick.
They've both gone down a very
similar route here,
a full Christmas. A just add water
Christmas dinner. Yeah.
No water needed for mine. No, and a
full bottle of wine, which is...
..incredible.
My one came with fork and knives
and mine you could take outside
into the woods.
Where we all love
to spend Christmas.
Out in the woods.
In one of Santa's gardens.
So, I'm going to tell you this.
I like providing a whole Christmas
but I don't like it thrown
all over the floor. So, I'm going to
give Phil Wang five points.
Holy shit!
Everyone else's very festive,
lots to commend all of them.
I'm going to give them
all three points.
OK, three, three, three, five,
three, there we go.
Right, everyone on that side of
the room, please stand up and
move yourselves to the stage
for the final task of the show!
Who's going read the task out?
Kerry Godliman is going to
read the task out.
"Walk over and hit that drum
"in exactly 9.58 seconds.
"Also, there are two bonus points
for the person
"with the most magnificent...walk."
The four who are not walking
are going to be blindfolded,
in case they get hints on what is
most magnificent.
James, you're first.
Where going left-to-right.
Not me first! Come on, James.
Does anyone have any questions? What
happens if we fall off the stage?
You don't need to walk blindfolded.
You should be all right.
OK, Greg,
are you ready for the first walk?
I'm ready for the first walk
in 9.58 seconds.
On my whistle...here we go.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Hand on heart, that is not far away
from your normal walk.
Next to walk is Jessica Knappett.
Good luck, Jess.
WHISTLE BLOWS
AUDIENCE GASPS
Shit.
I am fine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Are you all right? I feel fine.
I think it was worth it.
LAUGHTER
Please tell me you fell off.
She set the bar pretty high.
Kerry Godliman,
please remove your blindfold.
Unless you're going to set yourself
on fire, you're not going to win.
Please walk on the whistle.
WHISTLE BLOWS
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight...nine!
Wow! What a horrible character.
Phil Wang.
Please walk on the whistle.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Welcome, Rhod.
OK, I need you for this.
I will do whatever you say,
if you could start on the mark.
You're going to walk me down the...
Am I?
It's nice to know Jess isn't the
only one who's going to get hurt.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Come down here for the final scores!
Well...that was eventful.
If I don't win this task now...
..you are dead inside.
I mean...
Ladies and gentlemen, two points
for the most magnificent walk.
Let's hear about the timings.
It is less good news
for Jess in terms of...
..who was closest to 9.58 seconds.
Just struck the drum
after 27.20 seconds.
In fourth place, gaining two points,
he struck the drum after
6.1 seconds,
3.48 seconds out, that's Phil Wang.
Two points.
Very close to that,
very close to that in third place,
6.15 seconds was Kerry Godliman,
so you get three points.
Despite my counting!
And exactly - this is amazing -
exactly 11.18 seconds...
..James Acaster, in second place,
four points.
Rhod Gilbert, walking on his hands,
struck it in nine seconds
and wins five points!
Blimey!
Yes, blimey, as it means now
in the series scoreboard,
Phil Wang has hit 100 points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We then have James on 116,
Rhod and Kerry both on 124,
but the hero, Jess, is on 127!
In today's episode,
do you want to hear who won? Yeah.
It was not tied to the end.
Our runaway leader with 21 points
is Mr Rhod Gilbert!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Please go and collect
your exciting things,
beginning with the letter G,
Rhod Gilbert!
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learned that whatever has
happened at work, you might
have had an argument with your boss,
or you might have
fallen off a stage, but at least
none of you have felt
anywhere near as angry as this.
And Rhod Gilbert won of course.
Sensational skills and triumph of
humanity. Episode eight next.
Have a nice little rest
and we'll see you there. Bye!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media