Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 7, Episode 5 - Taskmaster - full transcript

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Ah!

Whoo!

AIR HORN

No!

SHE SCREAMS

Agh...

Ha-ha-ha!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you and welcome to Taskmaster
with your host,

trophy model and humble
tyrant Greg Davies. Hi.

Right, let's get episode five
under way



and meet our five
galloping Goliaths.

They are James Acaster...
APPLAUSE

..Jessica Knappett...
APPLAUSE

..Kerry Godliman...
APPLAUSE

..Phil Wang...
APPLAUSE

..and Rhod Gilbert.
APPLAUSE

And next to me, he's a desperate,
nervous twitch of a man,

but he's all mine.

Oh, who is it?

AUDIENCE: Little Alex Horne!

It's little Alex Horne!
APPLAUSE

I thought today
we could have a game of...

Can we have a game of truth or dare?

Er, yes. Certainly. OK.



Truth... Truth or dare? No.

No, I... Yeah.

Truth. Truth? OK.

I want you to eat
this dog biscuit...

..or you can take the dare.

LAUGHTER

Dare. Dare. Dare? Dare.

Eat this dog biscuit.
Eat the dog biscuit.

All of it.

KERRY: Aw! No.

What a glossy beard you're going
to have afterwards, though.

Enough tomfoolery.
We've an episode to begin.

Yes, it's prize task time
and for episode five,

we've asked them to drag in the
worst present from a named relative.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Yep. Fascinating response.

At the end of the proceedings,
the person with the most points

will take home the worst presents,

sort of like a bad birthday,
but good. OK?

Yes, I see. OK, bad presents.
Bad presents.

Rhod, what have you brought in?

I have brought in a present
that my named relative, wife Sian,

gave to me and I think you, for one,
Mr Davies, will appreciate it.

I... I will appreciate that because
I bought that for Rhod's wife.

LAUGHTER

Yes, you did.

I only gave her it two weeks ago,
the cheeky...

Has she genuinely given it
to you? Yes!

What did you expect her to
do with it? Treasure it?!

So, it's on its third recipient,
potentially, tonight,

in as many weeks. Yeah.

That's coming back to me
at some point, isn't it?

Right, good. Jessica.

Well, I've chosen this sartorial
nightmare from my mother.

I was 14 when I received this.

GASPS AND LAUGHTER

What happens when you wear
long opera gloves and a feather boa

to the senior school disco?

You do not get fingered.

LAUGHTER

What happens is you watch
your mate, Nell...

KERRY: Get fingered?!
..getting off with the guy

that you wanted to get off with
in the school car park.

Yeah, but where's Nell now?

Nell's happy.

Is she? Yeah.

It's a pretty, pretty awful gift

and I'm sorry that it brought you
down on your special night.

James.

My wife, Nell...
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Erm... No, no.

This present was given
to me by my...

..at the time, five-year-old nephew.

He made me a calendar for the year
and for each month,

he made up a joke because he knows
that I'm a comedian

and he drew a picture
to go along with it.

That sounds lovely!

I mean, honestly,
it sounds absolutely charming.

Er... Do you like people trying
to give you material, mate?

LAUGHTER

Here's what it looks like.
There's April. AUDIENCE: Aw!

What did one broccoli
say to the other?

"You stink because you've got
poo on your face."

LAUGHTER

KERRY: That's a good joke.
That is a good joke.

I think that's a great gag.

I don't know how everyone else
feels. I think so far,

I think it's utterly charming
and I think you're very cruel.

Do you want to say anything
to him down the camera?

I really like him, to be honest.

LAUGHTER

Kerry, what have you brought in?

Mine are dream catcher,
yin-yang dangly earrings.

Here they are.

GROANING
JESSICA: Lovely!

Who bought you these?

Right, my mum gave them to me
and her mate made them.

I mean, to combine the yin-yang
sign and a dream catcher...

Yeah. ..is sensational.

Because if you're a new age
kind of hippie lady,

that's double whammy, innit?

Yin-yang and a dream catcher?
Oh, God, it's all sorted.

Because you want balance
for your yin and yang,

but you want your dreams to
get caught. Of course you do!

I mean, they're disgusting.

Phil. Erm, I don't get many gifts
from loved ones.

Apropos of nothing.
Aw! Yeah. Well, I'm practical.

I'll ask for, like, favours
so I'll get a watch...

I'll ask someone to get
a watch re-strapped

or, like, pay my council tax for a
year or something. Something useful.

So I got my sister,
who is named Emmy,

to just give me some used
toilet roll.

There it is. So, I think...
GROANING

I don't think anyone's going
to have a worse gift than literal

shit on the toilet paper.

But you asked her to.
I asked her to.

I'm here to win, I'm not here
to make friends.

LAUGHTER

It's a great gift, though, because
if you get what you asked for,

that's the perfect gift, isn't it?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

RHOD: No, he's got
a very good point, Phil.

Right. I've made some decisions.
OK. Last place?

Because it's not a sincere gift,

one point for Phil Wang. Argh!

Two points, and he's lucky
to get these... Right?

..because I thought that calendar
was absolutely charming.

So did I. Ha-ha!

I love that calendar. Suck it!

LAUGHTER

I'm going to make a note of that.

We'll drill down into what "it" is
later, off-camera.

Right, I'm going to give Kerry
three points. Three? Fair enough.

Rhod, four points. In second place?

And just because I think there's
a great tragedy...

..in the idea of Jessica Knappett in
long gloves being ignored by boys,

five points to Jessica Knappett.
APPLAUSE

Slow revenge!

Let's move on. Alex. OK.

First task and I'll make sure
this one delivers.

SLURPS TEA

Where is he?

Where's Alex?

Deliver this task to Alex
in the most spectacular way.

Alex is in his caravan.

You have one hour.

Your time starts now.

Inside a cake.

No. It's not very good,
it's not very spectacular.

Oh, if we could put it in a cake.

What are they called? Those...

Bertie Bassett,
what are they called?

The singing, dancing...

Busby Berkeley, not Bertie Bassett.

I think that will be spectacular.
APPLAUSE

OK.

Well, I'll tell you this,

double points if Kerry ends up being
dressed as Bertie Bassett.

Well, we can start with...

Do you want to start with Kerry?
Yes, please.

This is Kerry God-delivery-man.
Here we go.

Alex! Yes? Come out!

One, two, three, four...

# Doo, doo-doo!

# Doo, doo-doo...

# Doo, doo-doo!

# Doo, doo-doo

# Doo, do-do, do-do-do-do

# Doo-de-do-do-doo-do

# Doo, do-do, do-do-do-do

# Doo-de-do-do... #
SHE GIGGLES

# Doo, do-do, do-do-do-do

# Do-do-do-do-do

# Doo! #

Pow! Drum roll!

# Doo, do-do, do-do-do-do

# Doo-do-do-do-doo-do

# Doo, do-do, do-do-do-do... #

Come on. Just spin around with me.

All right. Look up there, Alex.

Look up there. And...

# Da-doo! #

Oh!

How long do they do this for?
Well...

Best leave them to it
for a bit. Yeah.

All right, well, thank you.

APPLAUSE
# Doo, doo-doo!

# Doo, doo-doo... #

I thought it would be better done.

I've got to say, so far,
across the series,

Kerry has absolutely
demolished the competition.

She's absolutely smashed it.

But, hand on heart -
I like to tell the truth - that...

..that was shit...

LAUGHTER

..on so many levels.
Really? Really?!

On so many levels. What levels?

Well, I mean, I'll just pluck them
at random,

but the soundtrack.

Oh... It was catchy, though.

It will stay with you.

Mm... Yeah.
# Doo, doo-doo!

# Doo, do-do, do-do-do

# Doo, doo-doo!

# Doo, do-do... #

All right, fuck you.

Well, I'll tell you now, that is
NOT going to take some beating.

That's the end of this part
of the show. Bye for now.

APPLAUSE

Hello.

And we're back. I'm psyched.

Are you psyched, Alex?

If you mean miked,
then, yes, I'm miked

for sound. Hello, can you hear me?

Before the break...

I find Alex's jokes incredibly
irritating. Incredibly irritating.

Before the break - thank you -
I was sat in my caravan

awaiting the most
spectacular delivery

of the very task the
contestants had opened.

Phil Wang is next...

..to the man we're going to see now.

It's Rhod Gilbert.

Hello. Alex. Yes?

I want you to listen very carefully.

Inside this bin...

..are some gloves...
Do you want me to put them on?

..protective goggles,
a crash helmet,

some loo roll if you need it,

if it goes wrong.

This can act as a shield.

You'll need to get in that bin,

get down that end as far as you can
down that end of the caravan.

You get down...
Right. Get down.

..and you get ready
to receive the task.

Thank you, Rhod.

I'm in the bin.

The shield's up.

I think I'm ready.

Bloody hell.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Rhod.
You made a hole in my caravan.

Yeah. Sorry!

It's kind of gone straight
through the other side.

Thanks, Rhod.

Jesus Christ!

A misthrow would have gone...

Yeah. ..through the wrong part of
the caravan and killed Alex.

At the time, I was shitting myself.

So, I didn't know it was coming
and afterwards... You didn't know.

..I was very surprised

that the production crew
allowed him to do it.

Didn't feel like the goggles would
make that much difference.

Well, it says something that
to see that sort of rage

come from a friend, to see Alex's
life genuinely endangered,

my heart was genuinely
pounding and yet,

I'm still thinking
about how shit Kerry's was.

LAUGHTER

Who are going to see now, Alex?

Next up, it's a caster.

It's a...

James A...

It's James Acaster.

Cue music.

FESTIVE TUNE

Hello? Come out.

Cue fireworks.

MUSIC ENDS

Cue postman.

CHEERING

Richard Osman.

Finished? Yeah.

Fireworks, Santa.

Why is he doing that?

Christmas.

APPLAUSE

We'd better get this out of the way.
I'm livid. You seem angry.

I am livid! Yeah, why?

Because I asked for fireworks and
I didn't get them and, secondly,

that's one of the blokes I had
dancing for me.

He's dancing better for him.

Why wasn't Kerry allowed fireworks?
Couple of things, couple of things.

She made the decision to want
fireworks near the end of the hour

when there was no time. He was
immediately, "I want fireworks."

Also, his was done
on November the 2nd.

LAUGHTER

All sounds very reasonable.

Well, it had the lot, didn't it?
Fireworks... Fireworks.

Very easy to get. Beardless Santa.

Beardless Santa danced wonderfully
because he said some people

don't ask him very nicely to dance.

LAUGHTER, SOME BOOING

It's easier to get Richard Osman

than it is to get someone
with a beard, I found out.

LAUGHTER

Good work. Who's next?
Well, two left. Jess and Phil.

Who shall we see first? Definitely
not Phil, so let's see Jess.

Alex!

Come out now!

SHE LAUGHS

Lovely.

Oh, who's that?

It's a very little Alex Horne.

APPLAUSE

They liked it.

It didn't look quite as spectacular
on-screen as it did in my mind.

It will be the first spectacular
event of all time

to elicit silence from an audience.

LAUGHTER

You could have sung a song.

Like...
# Doo, do-do!

# Do-do-do, do-do-do... #

I don't think that would have made
it better, as we found in yours.

Spectacular means "beautiful in
a dramatic and eye-catching way."

I asked for a fucking
hot-air balloon

and they wouldn't give it to me!

Oh! Oh... I got given one of them,
but I didn't use it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well, let's have a look at another.
There's one left.

The last man is Phil Wang.
Yes, please. Here comes Phil.

ENGLISH ACCENT: Hello, Alex.

I'm American celebrity Taylor Swift.

Thank you, Taylor.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

Hwa!

Oh. It...

It says "Eff you, James Acsater."

APPLAUSE

What's this?

When we started filming this,
I thought that James and I

would have, like, a rivalry,

and then I forgot about that.

Taylor Swift, a big icon for you?
Well, just a big celebrity.

A big, famous celebrity. Yeah.

Well, it he managed to get the
actual Osman.

I got... That was actually...
What, you don't think that was...?

Oh, OK. Maybe that was the actual
Taylor Swift.

Thank you. Gut instinct tells me
it was a not-senior member

of production crew who comes
from the North of England.

You want to judge them, Greg?
Yeah. Yes, I do.

One point - Kerry. Awful.

Two points - Phil. Insane.

Three...

Three points - Jess.

Beautiful and calm.

LAUGHTER

Four points - Rhod.

Incredible, worryingly angry.
So that's second place. What?!

Yeah. Which means first
place goes to...?

Well, so much going on.
It's Acaster.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
OK.

Five points to James Acaster.

Alex, would you be so kind as
to show us the scoreboard?

Well, it's exciting.

Phil is way back on three points,
but we have joint leaders.

Jess and Rhod both have
eight points. Yes, please.

Very good.
Right, chuck another one up.

OK. Here's something ever so
slightly different.

RADIO CHATTER

Oh!

Hello, Jess. Hiya.

Hi, Alex. Hello, Phil.

Hi, Rhod. Hi.

Hi, James.

LAUGHTER

Make as many white circles on the
target as possible.

You must not step beyond...

..this rope.

You must not move this rope or the
target. You have five minutes.

You have five minutes.

Five minutes.
Five minutes.

You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.

KERRY: What? I'm feeling like I was
made to make white circles

for a very long amount of time.
Yeah.

Well, everyone else was asked
to do it for five minutes

and Phil, clearly, for 20. Why so?

So, it's those four against Phil.

They're a team. Phil is by himself.

In theory, you've got
an advantage here, Phil,

because you can make your plan and
you've got longer to make it happen.

This feels like a typo that
you're just trying to style out.

Oh, there we are!

I can't believe part two is
finished already.

Two parts left, though,

so whoo!
CHEERING

Welcome! Welcome, welcome.

You're all welcome,
even the tossers.

This is...
LAUGHTER

This is Taskmaster, so there must
have been a task under way.

Right every time.

The current task involves trying
to make circles from a distance

on a target. The twist is,
four of the competitors -

namely James, Jess, Kerry and Rhod -

all had five minutes each
to complete the task.

Wang had 20.

OK, first up, it's the four.

It's Jessie Caster and
Gilbert O'Godliman.

Ready? Go!

In five minutes,
I've got to find something

I can make white circles with?
Yes, please.

I mean, these are white things,
but they don't stick, do they?

I don't know.

No, definitely not. No. Er...

It should reach.

I just need to tape it.

I'm not going to get this done
in time! This is ridiculous.

I can't do this!

That's not going to make it.

Shit!

What's the plan with this?

Oh, you'll see.

I could make white paint out of...

..yoghurt.

This is really...

I need more time, Alex!

You've got one minute 20.

They're all little circles,
though, aren't they? Oh, yeah.

Now I've just got to make
the circles.

Oh! Didn't think of this, did you?

No.

Erm...
Is there a time limit on this?

All the information's
on the task, Jess. Oh...

Oh, God, I've got five minutes!

Well, you've got 34 seconds.

Oh!
LAUGHTER

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, no! What am I going to do?

LAUGHTER

That's a circle.

Not a perfect circle.

Oh!

Yes!

WHISTLE
No!

APPLAUSE

Thanks, Jess. Yeah!

BLOWS RASPBERRY

I mean, Jesus Christ, where do...?

You don't know what it's like!
You panic.

Is it too late to change the teams?

I thought you just had another
breakdown

when you threw a whole pot,
a family pot of yoghurt at it.

No, I was trying to create a white
canvas and then put circles onto it.

And that was genuinely clever, I
thought, when you started making...

Yeah, but I thought I did
better than that.

Well, you threw buckets at it.
That was the problem.

We're going to be quite generous

with our definition of
a circle here, aren't we?

Yeah, they don't have to be
a perfect circle.

I'll show you them, shall we? Yeah.
This is the four of their attempts.

I think you can work out
which one is Jess's.

This is how I totted it up.

A total of 42.

Can... Can a one-man unit take them
down? That's the question.

How did the Wang work out?

What have you got, Phil?

I have two cans of whipped cream
and two bottles

of what I presume to be mayonnaise.

Oh, shit, that wasn't too bad.
One circle. Fuck, look at that.

Yeah, it's a really good circle.

I don't know, maybe, like,
a flick of the wrist.

Oh, shit, that was OK.

But the circle was too big.

OK...

Almost slipped on the rope.

That's one bottle done.
I think it's going pretty well.

I can't imagine anything else
doing better than this. OK.

Ooh! There's one on the floor.

Yeah, not on the target.

Look at that!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, look at all them circles!

I'm going to call it a day,

because I think I'm in danger now
of connecting up the circles.

Well, you've got seven
and a half minutes left.

You going to see if you
can get any more? No.

OK, thank you, Phil. All right.

Oh, there's a whole universe of
circles here.

29... 33...

36...

37, 38.

I'm going to say 38.

38. There were more!

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

You took more time counting
than you did making.

LAUGHTER

But that's not the official count.
It's not my...

I presumed that y'all would count
them out, like...

Y'all?!

What's happened there?
I'm sorry, you all.

Yeah, I know what y'all is.
Oh, right.

W'all did count them up again...
LAUGHTER

W'all got 38 as well.

Oh! 38? Boy...

Well, I've got to say, it seems
very mean-spirited for that lot

all to get five points,
especially Jess...

I...

..and for Phil to get nothing.

RHOD: It does. And yet...

..them's the breaks.

That's the way the cookie crumbles,
y'all.

Aw! Oh, mate!
APPLAUSE

What's next, then? A task, now.

A task involving another human.

Hello, Kerry. Hello.

Nice day. It's awful.

It's just an awful day.

Hello, James. I'm Jeff.
Hello, Jeff. Hi.

Hello, Phil. I'm Jeff. Hi, Jeff.
Phil. Good to meet you. How are you?

I'm Jess. Yep. You're Jeff. Exactly.

Sometimes, people call me Jeff
as a joke. No offence.

Not... It's funny cos I'm a girl.

Yes, I noticed.

Cheer up this former traffic warden.

PHIL: You have 20 minutes.

Your time starts now.

Why do you need cheering up?

I have...

..a view on the world at the moment,
generally,

which is not particularly good.

LAUGHTER
OK!

OK.

Not an easy task.

Was it tough?

Oh, yeah!
LAUGHTER

First to try and gee-up Jeff
are two fantastic people.

It's Kerry and Phil. Oh, lovely.

What's your favourite part of the
UK that you've travelled to?

Well, I lived in Scotland.
Campbeltown in Argyll, and then...

Lotta soup.
Lotta soup in Campbeltown.

A lot of soup in Campbeltown.

JEFF LAUGHS
Got it! Time!

Good one, good one.

Was that a joke, Phil? Yeah,
yeah, yeah. It was a soup joke.

Well done.

# If you're happy and you know it
clap your hands... #

Yes, I did that with the
grandchildren.

Shall we dance?

I've got dodgy knees.
Dodgy knees. OK.

One of my favourite bosses
from years gone by...

Buses? Bosses. OK.

..said I'm a Philistine.

You're a Philistine? Yep.

I'm Philip Wang.

Another joke there, Phil.
Another joke. OK.

Philistine, Philip Wang, is it?
Yeah.

Are you ticklish, Jeff?

Mm... You wouldn't be comfortable
with me? I can not be ticklish.

SHE GIGGLES

What about the knees?

That bit's sore.

Oh, sorry! Your other knee.

Yeah, it's sore as well.

OK.
WHISTLE

We've had some good times. OK.

Look at what I can do with this,
look at this.

WHISTLE
Thank you very much.

Take care. Bye-bye.
Goodbye, Phil. Sorry about that.

APPLAUSE

It was awful.

I... I would argue that you - that
you, Kerry - actively annoyed him.

I don't know what you mean.
"Are you ticklish, Jeff?"

"No, I've got bad knees."

"Ha-ha!"

"Argh! Argh!"

No, I tickled him, we talked about
his grandchildren, I sang to him.

No, no, no, no, no. You...

You sang to him
and he witheringly said,

"Yes, it's the sort of song I might
sing to my grandchildren."

Not the worst song Kerry could
have sung to him.

LAUGHTER

JESSICA: From the repertoire!

# Doo, do-do! #

Phil. I liked Jeff a lot.

I liked his energy.

He also has great taste in gags.

Yeah, well,
you had two big hitters early doors.

Yeah. And that really
landed with Jeff,

against all odds, I've got to say.
The soup gag, I mean...

He was happy with that soup gag.

..I would have bet the lives
of all those dear to me

that that wasn't going to land.

Let's see some others. OK.

It's the two Js,
Acaster and Knappett.

Er... Let's do a role-play.

Mm-hm? What's your name?
Jeff. Thank you, Jeff.

Can I buy you a holiday?
Where would you like to go?

Tenerife. OK.

Hold on a second.

Let's go and sit on the grass
and have a laugh. OK.

Copy me.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

You really want me to do that?
Yes, Jeff!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Yes... Come on, Jeff!
Oh, you want to do it again? Yeah,

you have to keep doing it until you
actually laugh. Do I? Oh, dear.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

Keep fake laughing until you laugh.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

I don't think it's going to happen.
Oh, Jeff!

Just stand there, Jeff,
and close your eyes.

Take his arm like you're his wife.

You're in Tenerife.
You hear the water.

You wanted to hear the water,
didn't you? Yeah.

FAINT SPLASHING

What else would you like to do in
Tenerife? Eat, drink and be merry.

CORK POPS
Wrap your lips around this.

LAUGHTER

Cider.

Cider? Tastes like cider. Champagne.

What else would you do in Tenerife?

Sometimes go off on a trip up
into the mountains. OK.

Up into the mountains.

Going up the mountain now.
You have to climb up this mountain.

Peaceful? Away from all of
the hubbub of the city life.

SIREN WAILS

Traffic warden days are
behind you now.

There's all peaceful...
SIREN CONTINUES

I've got your champagne here,
Jeff, if you want it.

You're sort of making me...
I've depressed you.

..feel a bit sad, actually, Jeff,
to be honest.

Yeah, I can see that.
Might make me smile, though.

Oh, does it make you happy
to make other people sad?

There is a certain amount in that.
Oh, got it!

Shall we do a little bit of
role-play?

Er, where's my car?!

Er, in the police pound.

Why? Did you not see the sign?

No waiting, including disabled.

Where's...? I need my car!

I've got to go to the footie.

Pay £125 and go and get it back.

You're enjoying this. Yep.

WHISTLE

We got there in the end,
didn't we, Jeff? We did.

So, now it's bedtime.

Put your head on
that pillow there, Jeff,

and your wife can get into bed
as well and lay down to sleep.

Put the duvet over you both.

Dream sweet dreams.

WHISTLE

Thank you, James.

APPLAUSE

I mean, what I've got to say is,

it doesn't matter what you think
about what you saw there

and the madness that Acaster
brought to that task,

that smile on little Jeff's face
at the end was genuine

when he was in bed with his "wife".

It was a genuine smile.

But I think you really cracked him.
Yeah, I think I did.

Because brilliantly,

you realised that what Jeff likes is
to make other people unhappy.

Yeah.

I said to him,
"Jeff, I feel quite sad now.

"You've brought me down to
your level, haven't you?"

And he went, "Ha-ha..."

The more depressed you got,
the happier he got.

At one point, you talked about
death and Jeff said,

"Death doesn't affect the dead."

And he really smiled after that.

LAUGHTER

There's one left. Yeah.
Do you want to see Rhod tackle Jeff?

Yes, I do. OK.

Cheer up this former traffic warden.

You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.

Cheer up, Jeff.
LAUGHTER

OK. How you feeling?

Better? Fine.
He's all right. I've done it.

Finished? Yeah, finished.
Stop the clock.

Happy days. See you, Jeff.
Cheers. Yeah.

Enjoy the rest of your day.
Thank you.

Thank you, Rhod. Thanks, mate.

APPLAUSE

I said, "Stop the clock."
It's not a timed task, was it?

I said, "Stop the clock."
I thought it was a timed task.

And I've just realised,
watching it back, that it wasn't.

Oh, it wasn't.

Let me put it this way -
if you were in a caravan with me,

which would you rather? What? I say,
"Cheer up, Greg," and walk out,

or I stayed for 20 minutes with you?

Yeah, yeah, definitely,
I prefer you going...

You have a very good point.

Scores? Yep. OK.

I think Kerry put Jeff in a
worse mood. Give her one point.

One point, though, Kerry.

Er... I think that leaving the van
made Jeff happier than he was

before Rhod was in the van with him.

Two points. Phil... What?!

..couple of absolute
cracking openers,

but he really hated the thumb thing.

I think three is more than fair.

And I can't separate Jess and James

and I think they both
deserve five points.

Well, they're both doing the same
body language. Two winners.

APPLAUSE
Jess and James, the Js.

Alex, can we have a scoreboard,
please? Yeah, we've got Phil...

I'm going to use the word
languishing on six points.

But Jess is 12 points ahead on 18
at the moment, in the lead.

CHEERING
Whoo!

It's time for a break. See you soon.

Hello! And welcome back
to Taskmaster, part four.

Another task, please, Alex,
quick as you like.

OK, it's time for a quick
change of perspective.

It's a long walk, isn't it?
Here he is. Hello.

Hello, Kerry. Hello, Jess.

Hello, Rhod. Hello.

Hello, Phil. Hi, Alex.

Hello, James.

You all right?
Do you not say hello, James?

Would you like to open the task?

All right. It's tiny!

Quite small. Have you got good
eyesight? Oh, my God.

Would you be able to open
the task for us, James?

Yeah.

He don't mind doing that.

That's nice.

He's got very strict rules today
about what he will and won't do.

LAUGHTER

Make yourselves look
as little or big as possible.

You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.

What, with the camera? You can do
what ever you want

to make yourselves look
as little or big as possible.

Now, the first lot
we're going to see

have the shortest life expectancy.

Yes, it's the men.

Here we go.

Hello, James.

HIGH-PITCHED: Hello, Alex.

How do you do, Rhod?

HIGH-PITCHED: Hello, Alex!

Phil?

Phil?

DEEP VOICE: Hello, Alex.

ARGH!

Fe, fi, fo, Phil!

APPLAUSE

I mean, credit where credit's due,
I thought that was awesome.

Guess how we did it.
LAUGHTER

How the hell was it done?

Me and Rhod...

..weren't as close to the
camera as it appeared.

Do you want to see a team with an
impressively even number of ribs?

LAUGHTER

Jess and Kerry, here we go.

Hey, Jess. Catch.

I like your bangle.

It's yours.

Thanks.

I've got you a massive duck.

Kerry, it's tiny.

SQUEAK!

Got you a little something.

What is it?

A little portrait of Greg.

Oh. No, no, it's too big.

Jess! It's massive! Jess!

ARGH!

Ooh... You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I love it. I love it.

APPLAUSE

Seemed funnier on the day.

I enjoyed the technical
prowess very much.

It's a very close-run thing for me.
Is it?

Very, because I thoroughly
enjoyed both films.

Right. Did you? Did you?

You know, in the context
of my contractual obligation, yes.

I'm going to award it on the basis
that the boys did look

physically smaller and,
in Phil's case,

physically bigger than the girls.
OK, so, how many points to the men?

Well, three points to the men
and two points to the women.

OK, there we go. Three for the men,
two for the women.

Right, will all five of you
please vacate the area

and head to the stage
for the final task of the show?

APPLAUSE

Visually stunning already. Who will
be reading the task out, Alex?

The person who is wearing the outfit
the best, Jessica Knappett.

Ah!

Taking it in turn,

each team must dangle one of these
items on the hanger.

A different member of the team
must dangle each time.

Once you've touched one of
the items, you must dangle it

and you must dangle within 20
seconds of the previous dangler.

The team who doesn't cause the items
on the hanger to fall wins.

So, this is the first-ever team
studio task. Got it.

So it's women versus men.
Are there questions?

Yes. Hello, Kerry.
I don't understand it.

I do. It just says dangle a lot.

I'll run you through it, Kerry.
Thank you.

So, you might come along and pick up
the massive duck and dangle it

by the hook on the beam. Yeah.

Then one of the men will come along
and pick up another item,

dangle it on the beam. OK?
OK, so we're just dangling shit?

The first team member that causes
the hanger to fall

are the losers, right? Exactly that.

Oh! It's Coat Hanger Buckaroo!
It's Coat Hanger Buckaroo!

Why didn't you just say it was
Coat Hanger Buckaroo?

And, Alex, once you've picked
an item up,

there's no putting
it down again? Yes.

Do you understand that? Yes!

I'll be watching you like
a fucking hawk.

Right, let's do it.

Quite a fat hawk, to be fair.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

He's right, I've let myself go.

Earlier, Greg gave me this card.

I don't know if you want
to read that? That's...

"I, Gregory Davies,
being of sound mind,

"hereby predict that
during the coat hanger task,

"Rhod Gilbert will make a joke
about how fat I am."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, the women are first up.

You've got 20 seconds.

Starting...
WHISTLE

So, one of you step forward.
Jess, you go first.

So you must hang that. You've
touched that, you must hang that.

Is it a heavy one? It's clearly
heavy. Yes, it is.

It's absolutely fine.
I know what I'm doing.

And that's 20 seconds.
You must let go. Let go, please.

OK, men, step forward, one of you.
One of you.

OK, Phil's gone. Phil's gone.

Phil, the time! Come on.
Go on, Phil.

Oh, heavy one. Ooh! Is going to be
counterintuitive, isn't it?

JAMES: It's OK.

You've got five seconds. Ooh...

Oh!

It's all over.

JESS: Game over?
CHEERING

Game over.

I thought they'd made the heavy
things look light!

I thought they'd made
the heavy things look light!

We win. That was an anti-climax,
wasn't it?

LAUGHTER

Please come down and we'll see how
that's affected the final scores.

Biggest anti-climax in
Taskmaster history?

Well, I mean, I think someone
ruined it for everyone,

but I don't think it's
anyone's fault.

Come on,
let's have some stats and stuff.

Well, it does mean the women
are stretching their lead.

93 points each to Kerry and Jess.

Joint first in the series,
so well done them.

Oh! Yes! Joint first place?

The nearest man is Rhod with 85,
then James with 82,

then Phil with 68.

But in this episode, in first place,

is Jessica Knappett
who's on 25 compared to James's 20.

Jessica Knappett wins.
CHEERING

Well done to Jessica Knappett.

Please go and gather your
terrible presents.

Yeah!

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned apparently if you
want to cheer up a traffic warden,

don't target his arthritic knees.

But now, let's hear it again
for tonight's winner,

a better person than any of us,
it's Jessica Knappett.

See you next time for our 50th show.

SMASHING
Oh!

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