Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 7, Episode 4 - OLLIE - full transcript
Can the gang match Ollie's weight with objects found around the house, whilst Rod continues to show Greg's naked picture.
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Ah!
HE GROANS
HE LAUGHS
Whoo!
HORN BLARES
No!
SHE LAUGHS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Thank you.
Thank you for the clapping.
You know the drill.
It's Taskmaster. I'm Greg Davies.
'Some funny folk have completed
some tasks and I'm going to judge
them on their efforts.
'Jesus Christ,
can we just get on with it?
LAUGHTER
Your five combating contenders
are...
James Acaster!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jessica Knappett!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Kerry Godliman!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Phil Wang!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And Rhod Gilbert!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And here, standing just shy
of five feet tall,
it's my sufficient assistant,
ooh, it's...
..little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So... Yes, I've written a poem.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
I've passed my driving test.
I've seen a foreign film.
CHEERING
'I've used talcum powder.
This is your big moment.
You know that, don't you?
I'm reading my CV. I've met...
LAUGHTER
I've met two jockeys. Now...
LAUGHTER
'I'll tell you why this irritates me,
cos it looks like
we've planned this. We haven't.
'Alex gets these few moments to say
whatever he wants, and this is what
he's chosen to say. Rhod,please.
'It doesn't look like
you planned this.
LAUGHTER
I think we need to get on
with the show, Alex. OK.
'We're gonna start with a prize
task. And today's category is to
bring in the most confusingthing.
Mm. You, Lord Davies, will judge
whose thing is the most confusing.
'The one with
the most confusing thing will
max out on points for this section.
'At the end of the episode,
the winner will take home loads
of things to get all befuddledby.
That's how it works. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
'Thanks, little man. Right.
Jessica Knappett,
what is your confusing thing?
T-shirts.
LAUGHTER
Five points. That's a great start.
Let's end it there.
Specifics?
I think when you buy a T-shirt,
wear a T-shirt,
you should know why you're wearing
it and at least what it says.
I understand so far.
What have you brought in?
I've brought in a T-shirt that I
bought in a small village in Spain.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I've been trying to figure out
what they meant.
There comes the raven?
I don't get it.
Here comes the raven?
Here comes the raven. But so what?
LAUGHTER
'IUF can stand for
International Union of Food
or Immune Uterine Fluid,
which can attract,
that can attract ravens.
That's cleared it up.
Wow! OK. Move on.
I'll show you how confused I am.
LAUGHTER
'James Acaster, what did you bring in
that's confusing,
and why will it confuse me?
A DVD of The Matrix.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
'Everyone who you spoke to
about The Matrix has gone, "I can't
wrap my head around it, man.
Try and watch The Matrix, man."
LAUGHTER
'I...
LAUGHTER
Who are these people?
My parents.
LAUGHTER
'But it's a thing, right? It's like
saying, "This isn't reality.
There's a different reality.
And you're plugged into the matrix.
And you're a machine.
Or are you? You're not a machine.
You're imagining stuff."
And people don't know
what The Matrix is about.
'Well, I haven't seen The Matrix,
but from what you've just said...
Yeah?
'..my understanding is the people
in the matrix think they're existing
in one reality. Yes.
But, in fact, it turns out
they're plugged into machines
and they're experiencing
an entirely different reality.
'Great. Can you go back to the
beginning? I didn't get that.
LAUGHTER
'Do you wanna move on to Kerry?
Jesus Christ, yes!
LAUGHTER
Kerry, what have you brought in
that's confused you?
I have brought in the wires
round the back of my telly.
LAUGHTER
Ha-ha-ha! Yes!
APPLAUSE
Confusing.
'And what's really sad is
I bought that Wii U for my son
over a year ago.
'He hasn't been able to play it for
six months cos I can't plug it in.
LAUGHTER
'I sometimes just don't watch films,
like The Matrix, cos I can't
be fucked to plug it in.
'I can't cope with that.
I'm going to write that quote down.
"Can't be fucked to plug it in."
LAUGHTER
'"Godliman sums things up again.
Bosh! Can't be fucked!" Bosh!
LAUGHTER
'Rhodri, what's the confusing thing
you've brought in,
and why did it confuse you?
'Well,
my story relates to an incident
where I went to a T-shirt shop
and they got inexplicably confused
at my simple request.
'OK. My simple request was,
"Can you put my favourite picture
onto a T-shirt?" Yeah?
And then they did this.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I don't know if we can see
the original pictures. Oh, I wonder.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's confusing how you're getting
away with using this picture.
And still they laugh. You prick!
Strap in! There's six more episodes!
LAUGHTER
'I'm very confused as to why you're
so obsessed with a semi-naked me.
Er, Phil?
My confusing thing
is a confusing little box.
Do you wanna see a picture?
Yes, please. OK. Here's a picture.
It's a confusing little box
that you can't open, but you can.
But you can't open it. But you can
open it. It's a mysterious box
I bought in Thailand
from a mysterious man.
LAUGHTER
And I haggled. I haggled.
I haggled for this box.
OK. How did the haggling process go?
He said, "300 baht." Yeah?
And I said, "150."
'And then he said, "300."
And then I said, "200."
LAUGHTER
And then he said, "300."
So I paid 300 baht.
LAUGHTER
And it's been absolutely worth it.
Do you think you can open it?
I can't open that picture.
No. You can open that box. Oh!
'Do you wanna give it a go?
It's a confusing little box. This
is gonna be good old telly, innit?
LAUGHTER
Oh, just open the box, you pussy!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I don't know where that came from.
I don't know where that came from.
'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I don't know where that came from.
I don't know where that came from.
I don't know where that came from.
I just got impatient.
LAUGHTER
Are you upset with me?
I'm sorry. I got... I thought...
'No, no, no, it's alright. In my
head, I thought it was in my head.
LAUGHTER
'Oh, my God! I've just taken charge
of the box. If I'd been there
for 20 minutes or so,
'I could understand you getting
irritated, but I still wouldn't
expect that sort of language.
LAUGHTER
'You apologise
and we'll leave it there.
I'm very sorry. That's alright.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
There you go. Do you wanna try
and open it? There you go.
AUDIENCE: Ohhh!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It is open. It is open.
Are you alright, Phil?
You don't even care.
'That's 300 baht
I'm never getting back.
LAUGHTER
'It's frustrating, isn't it, Greg,
when you're asked to complete tasks
under pressure
'and there's
a lot of people watching?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'Do you wanna judge them? I hope
that round of applause was worth
the three points you've just lost.
LAUGHTER
I'm sorry, James.
'And this isn't because you called me
a pussy. Or is it?
Who knows what reality is any more?
It's just a film. I got it
within your description. One point.
One point to James. Yeah. Fair play.
LAUGHTER
Kerry, just a bunch of wires.
Bosh! Two points.
OK. Two to Kerry. Three. And you're
lucky to be getting these.
'Why you are so obsessed with me,
you freak? Three points.
LAUGHTER
'I'm gonna give Phil four points,
because that T-shirt is still
wrecking with my head.
Five points to Jess. Well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK. Time for a task
to be projected onto the big screen.
'Please, Alex.
OK. In that case, I'm gonna
flick the switch and off we go.
Hello. Ah!
Where is he?
Oh, no!
Work out what happens
when you flick this switch on.
You may not take the switch
out of this room.
Your time starts now.
SWITCH CLICKS
'There's a live wire there and
a neutral wire there, coming over
there. There's gaffer tapeto there.
Oh, so I'm allowed to flick it.
APPLAUSE
I hated that one.
Pretty straightforward. Let's crack
on, Alex. Crack straight on? Yeah.
'OK. We're gonna start with three
contestants who didn't enjoy this
task. It's two girls, one Wang.
'Ready?
LAUGHTER
Here we go.
It says "Off." On.
Let's have a look, shall we?
I wonder if there's just a light.
SWITCH CLICKS
No!
'There's a tap that's been left on.
I'd be very impressed
if you've managed to...
No.
That fan's going.
SWITCH CLICKS
Oh!
This is hard.
VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS
A-ha!
A floodlight. I didn't see you.
Hello, Kerry.
Right. Keep an eye on that, then.
Oh, come on!
LAUGHTER
Is it these lamps?
Come on!
All the lights are on.
Ah!
Ah! It's still on!
No.
Turning it off.
Now... No!
It's not the sprinkler, cos I turned
it off and it's still going.
On it goes again. No.
Off. We want it off.
LAUGHTER
Oh!
This is stressing me out, this one!
Yeah! No, it's not them.
Hi, Phil.
That's facing the other way.
He's moved. He was facing
the other way, wasn't he?
Oh, my God! That's turned round.
Well, it's off now.
It's him! It's him! Ollie? Yeah.
A-ha! I've got it! Ollie turns
around. I'll stop the clock.
Did you enjoy that one? No! No.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That was against the clock, right?
Fastest wins.
'Ah! Do you think there was
any way you could have been
more efficient during that task?
Yeah, you could have gone out
with a checklist.
'I mean, the most efficient thing to
do would have gone outside and gone,
"It's a statue."
LAUGHTER
'Hindsight. Hindsight is a fine
thing. A wonderful thing, yeah.
A better thing to do
would have gone out with
a checklist. Checklist. Yeah.
'What, gone out, said, "That's on.
That's on. That's on. That's on."
Then go back in...
'It may be that I've started this
tone by smashing that little box,
but you seem quite cross.
I'll be honest. That was the one I
hated the most. This one? Yeah. Why?
'It made me very cross.
It wore me out. It stressed me out.
It hurt my head.
'LAUGHTER
You were the quickest
of these three. Feel better now?
Maybe.
LAUGHTER
Phil took 10 minutes 50 seconds.
Jesus Christ! 10 minutes 50.
Kerry, 9.26. Sorry.
And Jess, 11.49. So it is a similar
ballpark, all of them. Good.
'That's the end of part one, friends.
If you're stuck for what to spend
all of your money on,
'then stay tuned for the next three
minutes, then come back to us,
please, I need you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Thank you.
You've just walked in on Taskmaster,
but don't worry, we're not shy.
Before the break, there was
a tricky little task going on.
'You're right. They've been trying
to work out what a switch
in the lab controls. OK?
'Next we're gonna see a little old
man. It's Rhod Gilbert.
LAUGHTER
So that... But that goes there.
'What's that? Is that just something,
like, is that connected to the task,
or is it something...
There's another plug there.
'Well, I'll tell you what, I'll flick
that switch off, then nothing will
happen when I flick that switch.
'LAUGHTER
Nothing happens when you flick
that switch. Stop the clock.
'That's my final answer.
Nothing happens.
No, maybe it's not my final answer.
LAUGHTER
Nothing happens. I mean...
Unless it's something that happens
somewhere else.
'LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I wish that prick was electrocuted
in the studio if I flicked that.
Take that, you fizzy fuck now,
aren't you?
Fizzing in that chair.
Fizzing on your concrete
power commode. Take that.
I hope those teeth fall out of your
head. It shouldn't take much.
Hopefully the answer is
you flick the switch
'and Greg gets electrocuted and those
rotten pistachios he calls teeth
just all just rattle about
and fall out of his head.
That's my final answer.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I must've done something to you
around 2009,
because the vast majority
of your responses
are about my rotten teeth.
'LAUGHTER
Which I had fixed
some eight years ago.
'He was the quickest.
He was the quickest. We stopped
the clock at 3 minutes 37.
'Thank you very much.
But I'm not sure he got it right.
No. Whoa! He didn't get it!
'Yeah, I did.
Once I'd clicked the main switch,
that switch didn't do anything.
'No. If you'd left it...
We all established...
Ba-ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba-ba!
Ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba!
LAUGHTER
Now, we're moving on to the last
contestant. It's James Acaster.
A really annoying place
for the switch to be.
HE LAUGHS
Fucking hell!
Fan.
Hello, Alex. Hello, James.
It's a good one. Thank you.
OK.
LAUGHTER
A-ha!
LAUGHTER
It operates you, the switch does.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Pleased with yourself?
I feel very pleased.
LAUGHTER
But was that chance? It was chance.
He just caught you.
'He checked everything, the whole
area in one go, rather...
I'll tell you what it was, Kerry.
It was urgency.
LAUGHTER
The man appreciated he was against
the clock and he moved with speed.
I was legging it! He didn't wander
round going, "It's not the tap.
I'll mosey back to the switch."
I was not wandering.
'I was running. We were all running!
No, Kerry, you were...
LAUGHTER
Watch it back! Watch it back!
I was running!
'You may have done one run.
You were largely sauntering.
LAUGHTER
'And then you went all Phil Mitchell
again, when asked a perfectly...
"Did you enjoy that, Kerry?"
"No, I fucking didn't!"
LAUGHTER
'How long did James take, then?
Well, Jess took 11 something.
Phil, 10 something.
You, 9 something. James, 5.35.
It's pretty quick. Ooh!
APPLAUSE
'Let's give some points out,
shall we? Well, I guess you're
doing it for speed. Of course.
'I mean, we all know
James Acaster gets five points
for winning the task. Boom!
'It then goes four to Kerry,
three to Phil, two to Jessica.
But what happens with Rhod?
'Go on, give him a point.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK. One point. One point. OK.
Alex, can we have a look
at a score board, please? OK.
There are joint leaders.
Phil and Jess have seven points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Do you have a nice
uplifting task for us?
Well, I've got a nice down-lifting
task for you. Is that alright?
I guess so. Mm!
Ah! Hello!
Hello. Hello, Jess.
I'm just taking in my surroundings.
Ooh!
Hello, James. Ooh, don't touch that.
Well, you can if you want,
I suppose.
Dramatically alter your appearance.
Most dramatic alteration wins.
'You may start
altering your appearance
when you are inside the lift...
And the doors are closed.
I don't like lifts.
'You must stop
altering your appearance
when the doors... open again.
That's a good way of timing it.
A fair way.
That's, like... 18 seconds.
HE LAUGHS
You may inspect
the contents of the briefcase...
For five minutes before the lift
doors open for the first time.
Start the clock!
OK.
Oh!
OK, great. Cotton wool pleat.
I like that.
Love it. Love it. Love it. Felt.
Jam. Oh, God.
No. Wig. No. Wig.
So many things. Moustache?
Breasts.
Mustard? I'm no make-up artist.
Oh! I can't imagine
it's gonna involve mustard.
How much time do I have? You've got
two minutes and 20 seconds. Agh!
I've got a sheer panic on.
I can't think what to do.
'Can I take your coat?
Your jacket, please, Alex. I'm gonna
call the lift in ten seconds.Ah!
Ooh!
LIFT BELL DINGS
Good luck, Kerry. I'm really scared!
APPLAUSE
'Words are key
in some of these tasks. And I think
the key word here is dramatically.
To dramatically
alter the appearance. Yes.
'I'll give you an example, shall I?
This is Alex's normal face.
And now...
..a dramatic face!
HE GASPS
LAUGHTER
Fucking hell!
LAUGHTER
'Let's see how dramatically our lift
chums altered their appearance.
OK. They had 18 seconds in the lift.
'We're gonna see each
of their attempts individually.
Up first, it's Jessie K,
'who has already proven herself
quite the quick-change artist
in episode one,
which is available on catch-up
on UKTV Play.
LAUGHTER
Here she is!
Please press G. Yeah.
Good luck. Bye.
LIFT WHIRRS
LAUGHTER
LIFT BELL DINGS
SHE LAUGHS
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I can't move cos it'll fall off.
What will fall off?
Oh, I like your shirt and tie.
Unrecognisable.
APPLAUSE
Yeah. There we go.
Shirt and tie.
Ah, Mr Bond.
LAUGHTER
Pretty dramatic, right? Well,
I mean, incredible. High drama.
'I actually thought,
when the beard fell away, that was
when the outfit really kicked in.
'Because you'd gone to the trouble
of making a tie. Yeah, out of felt.
LAUGHTER
Felt on paper, that was. Felt on
paper. Did you make that pre-lift?
'Yeah, pre-lift. Pre-lift?
That's part of the prep.
Five minutes prep time.
Can I also just say,
I have a genuine phobia of lifts.
'Do you think it was that big a deal
if you overcame it in five minutes?
LAUGHTER
It was 18 seconds.
I knew that it was only
gonna be 18 seconds,
'and I knew that they'd get me out
because they had to
because I'm on telly. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Just like that! Bam! It's the end of
part two! Bam! Just like that! Bam!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'Thanks, thanks,
and an extra side portion of thanks.
It's Taskmaster part three
'and five comedians are vying
for Kerry Godliman's HDMI cable.
LAUGHTER
Which task are we in the thick of,
little Alex Horne?
We are doing one that's really
elevated the series, Greg.
LAUGHTER
Yes. Aww! God. Heartbreaking.
LAUGHTER
'I'm so sorry.
They're trying to alter their
appearance as much as possible
'within the 18 seconds
it takes the lift to go
from upstairs to downstairs.
They had five minutes to prepare
and a case full of props.
We're gonna see what's going down
with Phil Wang.
Please press G.
LIFT BELL DINGS
LAUGHTER
Who are you?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK.
LAUGHTER
Er, pleased?
Yeah. Couldn't look much different.
Also, you'll notice that when I went
in, I wasn't holding a jar of jam.
'I mean, that's one of the things
I want to discuss
more than anything else, really,
is how you think that holding
a pot of jam alters your appearance.
Mm. So, I go from...
LAUGHTER
I go from appearing not to have
any jam, to appearing as I do.
I'm backing you up here, Wang.
Thank you.
'He didn't have jam when he went in.
He had jam when he came out.
LAUGHTER
The bigger problem for me,
I thought, was that it was,
'there's one thing about you,
across this whole series,
that is unmistakably you.
LAUGHTER
'Never any doubt. Whereas if you
had just held the jam there...
LAUGHTER
..thus completely transforming
your identity. Yeah.
'Do you wanna see what Rhod did?
Let's hope that what Rhod did
isn't more ridiculous
than just holding a jar of jam.
OK. This is what Rhod did. Let's go.
Get in the lift and press G.
Press G? Yes, please. Good luck.
LIFT BELL DINGS
LAUGHTER
'Does it hurt? Oh, the mustard
in my eyes is agony.
LAUGHTER
'I'm really thinking now
I should've used mayonnaise.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'That's how dramatically I altered
my appearance. I went to the ladies'
toilets immediately after that.
'I knew your clothes were coming off,
so that was no surprise to me.
But there was absolutely no need
to rub mustard into your face.
LAUGHTER
'Also, that was a wig. He chose a wig
which looked exactly like his hair.
But it was a wig.
LAUGHTER
'I didn't even know
you were wearing a wig.
LAUGHTER
I thought you took your clothes off
and smeared mustard over your face.
That is the sign of a good wig.
LAUGHTER
Who's next?
What will Kerry Godliman do?
'Let's see Kerry Godliman's attempt
to find out the answer
to the question
about what Kerry Godliman will do.
Here we go.
What do I press? G.
You did say that. Sorry.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
'Ten.
LIFT BELL DINGS
No! I'm not ready!
That wasn't 20 seconds. Would you
mind stepping out of the lift?
That wasn't 20 seconds.
LAUGHTER
There was so much more
that was gonna happen.
'It's a good look. No, because I was
gonna do the knees on the shoes
and I was gonna wear theshades.
LAUGHTER
Thank you, Kerry. OK.
APPLAUSE
'I was so excited about that one.
Yeah. So, who was your final
character going to be?
I was just meant to be
dramatically... Are you trying to...
I know where he's going.
Where are we going with this?
'I'm just wondering what you thought
your final character, who you
thought your final character...
'The task wasn't to become
a character. The task was just to
dramatically change. No, I know!
'What is your problem with this?
I haven't got a problem.
I'm just asking...
'Imagine if you were a foot shorter,
how dramatically different...
You'd be nothing.
LAUGHTER
'Also,
I did look dramatically different,
more so than these two. Yeah. Yeah.
'So as long as we're not the same.
No, you did not...
I was just backing you up!
'No. Have you learned nothing?
All you did was shove a bloody
Brillo pad on your tits.
LAUGHTER
'That's not what I did.
That's not what I did.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
'I was sticking up for you.
You need to learn not to help people
cos we always stab you in the back.
You do, all of you!
LAUGHTER
'I would like to point out
that when Rhod accused you of
putting a Brillo pad on your tits,
James Acaster went like this.
LAUGHTER
'That was mainly
cos of the word "tits."
LAUGHTER
OK. The last person
is James Acaster. Here we go.
ALARM RINGS
LAUGHTER
Oh, no! No!
No! No! No!
LIFT BELL DINGS
No! No! No!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Please step out of the lift.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, I'm last. I'm last in this one.
Do you think?
APPLAUSE
This is what happens if you believe
what happens in films.
'Cos you pressed
the emergency button
and you just thought it would stop.
Yeah. You can take your time.
Probably could override it.
'Yeah, yeah. Press that, the whole
thing would stop. An alarm went off
and you continued to travel.
LAUGHTER
Points.
One point, James Acaster.
OK. The second least
dramatically-disguised.
'It doesn't matter how many pots
of jam someone is holding...
LAUGHTER
'This again! ..I will still be able
to identify them, particularly
if they've labelled themselves.
Two points for Phil Wang. As not
them! And thank me for those.
Purely cos she doesn't know
the concept of time,
'it's old furry norks, Kerry.
LAUGHTER
Three points. OK.
So it's between Jess and Rhod.
'Now, when Jess
first stepped out of the lift,
I hadn't got a clue who it was.
'SHE GASPS
And unfortunately,
her beard fell away
and I knew it was definitely
Jessica Knappett.
'Are you joking?
I'm gonna lose to mustard face?
LAUGHTER
And so, against all odds,
with five points, the winner of this
'is old mustard face,
Mr Rhod Gilbert.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Four to Jess. Five to Rod.
You! Yes?
What's next? Well, thank you.
This one has been weighing very
heavily on my mind. Here it is.
Make these scales read 31.770kg.
Kilograms.
LAUGHTER
The scales must read 31.77kg...
For at least five seconds.
Fastest wins.
Your time starts now.
MACHINE BEEPS
OK. I've broken it.
'What's that?
It means you're too heavy. I can't
be too heavy. It's only my foot.
'MACHINE BEEPS
You're too heavy for the scales.
Shut up!
Seriously? Yes.
'Are you winding me up?
How bloody rude!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
They had to make the scales
weigh exactly 31.770kg.
'Yeah.
They all tried to do it initially
by putting their body on it and...
'And? It's a butcher's scale,
it's very sensitive.
You'd have to lop a body part off.
'LAUGHTER
OK. First up to the scales,
it's Phil Wang.
What?
How much is 37?
WATER SLOSHES
LAUGHTER
HE GROANS
MACHINE BEEPS
Oh, shit!
Hot damn! We're in business. OK.
CHEERING
Congratulations.
I've stopped the clock.
Great. Can I get a selfie?
CAMERA CLICKS
APPLAUSE
'That is the most delightfully nerdy
response to a task we've ever had.
LAUGHTER
'Selfie. It looked like an audition
for The Big Bang Theory.
LAUGHTER
'He nailed it. I mean, the bucket,
it was only 345g over
when he first put it on,
'which is about the weight of
a hamster in or on a baseball.
LAUGHTER
What I would say was it wasn't
as quick as we made it look.
It took him six minutes
to fill and then drag the bucket.
'But the benchmark
is 8 minutes 28 seconds.
That's what he achieved. OK?
'I forgot there was a time element.
Right. Just one part to go, with
the studio task to be completed
and confusing things to be won.
See you right back here soon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. Welcome to the final part
of this Taskmaster instalment.
Yes. And I'm called Alex.
Before the break, they were trying
to make an industrial set of scales
display 31.770kg exactly.
'Do you wanna see the two parents
have a go? Yes, I do.
OK, here are Kerry and Jess.
'I haven't really
thought this through. Oh, sorry!
LAUGHTER
Right.
Oh, it's gonna take ages.
LAUGHTER
'LAUGHTER
One? Am I allowed
to go out and come back in?
Or do I have to do it all here? All
the information's on the task, Jess.
'SHE SIGHS
Can I have everybody's shoes,
please?
LAUGHTER
I'm gonna need 31 pairs of shoes
at this rate.
'Why did I do that?
There are no windows open in here.
It absolutely stinks.
'SHE SIGHS
I could get some heavy stuff.
I could get some heavy stuff.
That's the key, isn't it? Heavy
stuff? But not as heavy as me.
I don't understand what to do.
Why have you only used shoes?
LAUGHTER
Does it say
you have to stay in this room?
Oh, you made out like I did!
I said all the information's
on the task.
SHE SIGHS
You're kidding me!
This isn't practical.
I should've just gone with bricks.
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God!
It absolutely stinks in here.
Right, now we're really close,
aren't we?
How much does water weigh?
LAUGHTER
Oh! Oh!
Oh, no! It's alright.
One. Two. Three. Four.
I've stopped the clock.
It took a while, didn't it?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes!
What? Oh, it's gotta be
five seconds. One.
Two. Three.
Four. Five. I've stopped the clock.
APPLAUSE
'It's often that quotes get thrown up
that I think may or may not
haunt contestants.
'I mean, I thought, "I could use
heavy stuff, but not as heavy as
me," was mildly embarrassing,
'but it was hugely eclipsed by,
"How much does water weigh?"
How much does water weigh?
LAUGHTER
'She ended up with a time
of 1 second and 16 minutes. What?
LAUGHTER
'Not awful.
Your approach looked a bit like
the back of your telly to me.
Just absolute carnage.
LAUGHTER
Kerry, as well. We know that
Phil got 8 minutes 28.
Kerry, 8 minutes and 13 seconds.
Oh! Oh! Not so shit, then.
LAUGHTER
I always knew it was alright.
Thanks.
Yeah. Rhod and James are next up.
There's gotta be an easier way
of this, I reckon.
Will that do? 31.6?
No, that won't do.
It needs to be 31.770. Jesus!
You must be a butcher's nightmare.
LAUGHTER
Why that number?
Huh?
Do you not like that number?
Well, it's just a very specific
number, isn't it? Yes, it is.
LAUGHTER
0.065g.
HE SPITS
It's not gone up at all.
HE SNORTS
Oh, no!
LAUGHTER
HE SPITS
HE GASPS
Oh! Easy.
APPLAUSE
Thank you, James. Thank you.
APPLAUSE
More balloons than spit, eh?
LAUGHTER
'The problem was, you slightly
misread the scales. You thought
you needed 0.065 more grams,
but you needed 65g... What?
..worth of spit.
When you started spitting,
you actually needed 65g.
That's a tennis ball.
That's a tennis ball-worth of spit.
I did it. Eventually.
LAUGHTER
Rhod, 7 minutes 7.
James, 5 minutes and 44 seconds.
Wins the task. Yep.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Just to run it down, it goes James
with five points, Rhod with four,
Kerry with three, Phil with two, and
Jess, who took ages, one point. OK?
Bad luck. Bad luck.
APPLAUSE
'James, your enquiring mind
kept demanding what's
the significance of the weight,
and I know Alex is keen
to tell everyone, aren't you?
'Have you worked out the significance
of the weight? Ollie.
It says Ollie upside down.Oh!
Ollie!
APPLAUSE
'Score board?
Yes, I'll give you a score board.
Well, the series scores are...
'not as close as we would have hoped,
but we've got James in last place
with 57.
Then Phil with 58. We move into
the 60s. 63 to Rhod. 64 to Jess.
Bosh! She's still there with 72.
Kerry's in the lead so far.
Oh, man! Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
However, what I can tell you
is that this episode is tight.
'There are just two points
separating all five of them.
Rhod's in the lead. Phil's on 11.
'And there are three people
in joint second.
So it really is all to play for.
'APPLAUSE
In that case, it's time for you all
to vacate your chairs
and make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'Who's going to read the task out?
James Acaster
is gonna read the task out.
Oh! They've got handcuffs on.
LAUGHTER
Oh, no! Oh, no. Do you want me
to hold it for you? Yes, please.
Alex. Alex. Thank you.
LAUGHTER
Correctly don
the most items of clothing.
You have 100 seconds. Most new items
of clothing correctly donned wins.
OK. Blow your whistle,
let's get donning.
'100 seconds, starting now.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Good luck.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Round the back.
Sunglasses on.
How are you gonna get that on?
That won't go. That will not go.
Oh, yes, it will. No, it won't.
It's on!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good. You've got one minute left.
One minute left.
One item to go here. One item to go.
Really nice!
Really nice!
35 seconds! I'll put my hat on you,
you put your hat on me. Yeah.
AUDIENCE: Ohh!
Oh, that's gone. That's gone.
Have you finished, Phil?
Have you finished? Not yet.
It's the final 20 seconds. Come on!
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
Five, four, three, two,
one.
WHISTLE BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come down here. Let's see how that
affects the final scores. Alright.
We've looked at the footage. Yes.
We have only counted up the items
that were donned correctly. OK. OK.
Phil is last. He gets one point.
OK. Jess, Kerry and Rod
all donned four items correctly.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
They all get four points. Whoa!
'James Acaster donned five items
correctly. He gets five points
and wins the task.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'That is going to make
a pretty dramatic difference
to the score board.
I enjoyed that. Thank you.
LAUGHTER
It does. It means the final
score board looks like this.
It's a tie-break! Oh! Oh, wow!
AUDIENCE GASP
No!
LAUGHTER
How are we gonna find our winner?
LAUGHTER
Well, there's a lovely little
extra task, of course, Greg.
'All they had to do in this one
was make the best
loo-roll-paper aeroplane.
'They had five minutes
and one attempt.
Furthest flight wins. Here we go.
'I can't make a paper aeroplane
using normal paper.
I can't hear you.
LAUGHTER
Are you ready? Yep.
APPLAUSE
There we go.
'Well, I would say that
it's certainly not guaranteed
after that effort.
LAUGHTER
Next up, Rhod Gilbert.
Make a paper aeroplane
using only toilet paper.
ENGINE WHIRRS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh. Oh, dear. So James achieved
a flight of 3.9m. Not bad.
But Rhod achieved a flight of 22.7m.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
There you go. Very good.
'Well done to tonight's champion,
Rhod Gilbert!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'Please meander to the stage
and collect your confusing items!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, what have we learned today?
We've learned that everything
could be a construct.
Maybe none of this is real. Is it
a television show? Is it reality?
Whoa! Yep! It's real! It's real!
'And in case
you've already forgotten,
Rhod is tonight's worthy winner.
Let's award him with applause
and then ignore each other
until next time.
Have a lovely night. Night-night!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
---
Ah!
HE GROANS
HE LAUGHS
Whoo!
HORN BLARES
No!
SHE LAUGHS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Thank you.
Thank you for the clapping.
You know the drill.
It's Taskmaster. I'm Greg Davies.
'Some funny folk have completed
some tasks and I'm going to judge
them on their efforts.
'Jesus Christ,
can we just get on with it?
LAUGHTER
Your five combating contenders
are...
James Acaster!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jessica Knappett!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Kerry Godliman!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Phil Wang!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And Rhod Gilbert!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And here, standing just shy
of five feet tall,
it's my sufficient assistant,
ooh, it's...
..little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So... Yes, I've written a poem.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
I've passed my driving test.
I've seen a foreign film.
CHEERING
'I've used talcum powder.
This is your big moment.
You know that, don't you?
I'm reading my CV. I've met...
LAUGHTER
I've met two jockeys. Now...
LAUGHTER
'I'll tell you why this irritates me,
cos it looks like
we've planned this. We haven't.
'Alex gets these few moments to say
whatever he wants, and this is what
he's chosen to say. Rhod,please.
'It doesn't look like
you planned this.
LAUGHTER
I think we need to get on
with the show, Alex. OK.
'We're gonna start with a prize
task. And today's category is to
bring in the most confusingthing.
Mm. You, Lord Davies, will judge
whose thing is the most confusing.
'The one with
the most confusing thing will
max out on points for this section.
'At the end of the episode,
the winner will take home loads
of things to get all befuddledby.
That's how it works. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
'Thanks, little man. Right.
Jessica Knappett,
what is your confusing thing?
T-shirts.
LAUGHTER
Five points. That's a great start.
Let's end it there.
Specifics?
I think when you buy a T-shirt,
wear a T-shirt,
you should know why you're wearing
it and at least what it says.
I understand so far.
What have you brought in?
I've brought in a T-shirt that I
bought in a small village in Spain.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I've been trying to figure out
what they meant.
There comes the raven?
I don't get it.
Here comes the raven?
Here comes the raven. But so what?
LAUGHTER
'IUF can stand for
International Union of Food
or Immune Uterine Fluid,
which can attract,
that can attract ravens.
That's cleared it up.
Wow! OK. Move on.
I'll show you how confused I am.
LAUGHTER
'James Acaster, what did you bring in
that's confusing,
and why will it confuse me?
A DVD of The Matrix.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
'Everyone who you spoke to
about The Matrix has gone, "I can't
wrap my head around it, man.
Try and watch The Matrix, man."
LAUGHTER
'I...
LAUGHTER
Who are these people?
My parents.
LAUGHTER
'But it's a thing, right? It's like
saying, "This isn't reality.
There's a different reality.
And you're plugged into the matrix.
And you're a machine.
Or are you? You're not a machine.
You're imagining stuff."
And people don't know
what The Matrix is about.
'Well, I haven't seen The Matrix,
but from what you've just said...
Yeah?
'..my understanding is the people
in the matrix think they're existing
in one reality. Yes.
But, in fact, it turns out
they're plugged into machines
and they're experiencing
an entirely different reality.
'Great. Can you go back to the
beginning? I didn't get that.
LAUGHTER
'Do you wanna move on to Kerry?
Jesus Christ, yes!
LAUGHTER
Kerry, what have you brought in
that's confused you?
I have brought in the wires
round the back of my telly.
LAUGHTER
Ha-ha-ha! Yes!
APPLAUSE
Confusing.
'And what's really sad is
I bought that Wii U for my son
over a year ago.
'He hasn't been able to play it for
six months cos I can't plug it in.
LAUGHTER
'I sometimes just don't watch films,
like The Matrix, cos I can't
be fucked to plug it in.
'I can't cope with that.
I'm going to write that quote down.
"Can't be fucked to plug it in."
LAUGHTER
'"Godliman sums things up again.
Bosh! Can't be fucked!" Bosh!
LAUGHTER
'Rhodri, what's the confusing thing
you've brought in,
and why did it confuse you?
'Well,
my story relates to an incident
where I went to a T-shirt shop
and they got inexplicably confused
at my simple request.
'OK. My simple request was,
"Can you put my favourite picture
onto a T-shirt?" Yeah?
And then they did this.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I don't know if we can see
the original pictures. Oh, I wonder.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's confusing how you're getting
away with using this picture.
And still they laugh. You prick!
Strap in! There's six more episodes!
LAUGHTER
'I'm very confused as to why you're
so obsessed with a semi-naked me.
Er, Phil?
My confusing thing
is a confusing little box.
Do you wanna see a picture?
Yes, please. OK. Here's a picture.
It's a confusing little box
that you can't open, but you can.
But you can't open it. But you can
open it. It's a mysterious box
I bought in Thailand
from a mysterious man.
LAUGHTER
And I haggled. I haggled.
I haggled for this box.
OK. How did the haggling process go?
He said, "300 baht." Yeah?
And I said, "150."
'And then he said, "300."
And then I said, "200."
LAUGHTER
And then he said, "300."
So I paid 300 baht.
LAUGHTER
And it's been absolutely worth it.
Do you think you can open it?
I can't open that picture.
No. You can open that box. Oh!
'Do you wanna give it a go?
It's a confusing little box. This
is gonna be good old telly, innit?
LAUGHTER
Oh, just open the box, you pussy!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I don't know where that came from.
I don't know where that came from.
'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I don't know where that came from.
I don't know where that came from.
I don't know where that came from.
I just got impatient.
LAUGHTER
Are you upset with me?
I'm sorry. I got... I thought...
'No, no, no, it's alright. In my
head, I thought it was in my head.
LAUGHTER
'Oh, my God! I've just taken charge
of the box. If I'd been there
for 20 minutes or so,
'I could understand you getting
irritated, but I still wouldn't
expect that sort of language.
LAUGHTER
'You apologise
and we'll leave it there.
I'm very sorry. That's alright.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
There you go. Do you wanna try
and open it? There you go.
AUDIENCE: Ohhh!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It is open. It is open.
Are you alright, Phil?
You don't even care.
'That's 300 baht
I'm never getting back.
LAUGHTER
'It's frustrating, isn't it, Greg,
when you're asked to complete tasks
under pressure
'and there's
a lot of people watching?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'Do you wanna judge them? I hope
that round of applause was worth
the three points you've just lost.
LAUGHTER
I'm sorry, James.
'And this isn't because you called me
a pussy. Or is it?
Who knows what reality is any more?
It's just a film. I got it
within your description. One point.
One point to James. Yeah. Fair play.
LAUGHTER
Kerry, just a bunch of wires.
Bosh! Two points.
OK. Two to Kerry. Three. And you're
lucky to be getting these.
'Why you are so obsessed with me,
you freak? Three points.
LAUGHTER
'I'm gonna give Phil four points,
because that T-shirt is still
wrecking with my head.
Five points to Jess. Well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK. Time for a task
to be projected onto the big screen.
'Please, Alex.
OK. In that case, I'm gonna
flick the switch and off we go.
Hello. Ah!
Where is he?
Oh, no!
Work out what happens
when you flick this switch on.
You may not take the switch
out of this room.
Your time starts now.
SWITCH CLICKS
'There's a live wire there and
a neutral wire there, coming over
there. There's gaffer tapeto there.
Oh, so I'm allowed to flick it.
APPLAUSE
I hated that one.
Pretty straightforward. Let's crack
on, Alex. Crack straight on? Yeah.
'OK. We're gonna start with three
contestants who didn't enjoy this
task. It's two girls, one Wang.
'Ready?
LAUGHTER
Here we go.
It says "Off." On.
Let's have a look, shall we?
I wonder if there's just a light.
SWITCH CLICKS
No!
'There's a tap that's been left on.
I'd be very impressed
if you've managed to...
No.
That fan's going.
SWITCH CLICKS
Oh!
This is hard.
VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS
A-ha!
A floodlight. I didn't see you.
Hello, Kerry.
Right. Keep an eye on that, then.
Oh, come on!
LAUGHTER
Is it these lamps?
Come on!
All the lights are on.
Ah!
Ah! It's still on!
No.
Turning it off.
Now... No!
It's not the sprinkler, cos I turned
it off and it's still going.
On it goes again. No.
Off. We want it off.
LAUGHTER
Oh!
This is stressing me out, this one!
Yeah! No, it's not them.
Hi, Phil.
That's facing the other way.
He's moved. He was facing
the other way, wasn't he?
Oh, my God! That's turned round.
Well, it's off now.
It's him! It's him! Ollie? Yeah.
A-ha! I've got it! Ollie turns
around. I'll stop the clock.
Did you enjoy that one? No! No.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That was against the clock, right?
Fastest wins.
'Ah! Do you think there was
any way you could have been
more efficient during that task?
Yeah, you could have gone out
with a checklist.
'I mean, the most efficient thing to
do would have gone outside and gone,
"It's a statue."
LAUGHTER
'Hindsight. Hindsight is a fine
thing. A wonderful thing, yeah.
A better thing to do
would have gone out with
a checklist. Checklist. Yeah.
'What, gone out, said, "That's on.
That's on. That's on. That's on."
Then go back in...
'It may be that I've started this
tone by smashing that little box,
but you seem quite cross.
I'll be honest. That was the one I
hated the most. This one? Yeah. Why?
'It made me very cross.
It wore me out. It stressed me out.
It hurt my head.
'LAUGHTER
You were the quickest
of these three. Feel better now?
Maybe.
LAUGHTER
Phil took 10 minutes 50 seconds.
Jesus Christ! 10 minutes 50.
Kerry, 9.26. Sorry.
And Jess, 11.49. So it is a similar
ballpark, all of them. Good.
'That's the end of part one, friends.
If you're stuck for what to spend
all of your money on,
'then stay tuned for the next three
minutes, then come back to us,
please, I need you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Thank you.
You've just walked in on Taskmaster,
but don't worry, we're not shy.
Before the break, there was
a tricky little task going on.
'You're right. They've been trying
to work out what a switch
in the lab controls. OK?
'Next we're gonna see a little old
man. It's Rhod Gilbert.
LAUGHTER
So that... But that goes there.
'What's that? Is that just something,
like, is that connected to the task,
or is it something...
There's another plug there.
'Well, I'll tell you what, I'll flick
that switch off, then nothing will
happen when I flick that switch.
'LAUGHTER
Nothing happens when you flick
that switch. Stop the clock.
'That's my final answer.
Nothing happens.
No, maybe it's not my final answer.
LAUGHTER
Nothing happens. I mean...
Unless it's something that happens
somewhere else.
'LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I wish that prick was electrocuted
in the studio if I flicked that.
Take that, you fizzy fuck now,
aren't you?
Fizzing in that chair.
Fizzing on your concrete
power commode. Take that.
I hope those teeth fall out of your
head. It shouldn't take much.
Hopefully the answer is
you flick the switch
'and Greg gets electrocuted and those
rotten pistachios he calls teeth
just all just rattle about
and fall out of his head.
That's my final answer.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I must've done something to you
around 2009,
because the vast majority
of your responses
are about my rotten teeth.
'LAUGHTER
Which I had fixed
some eight years ago.
'He was the quickest.
He was the quickest. We stopped
the clock at 3 minutes 37.
'Thank you very much.
But I'm not sure he got it right.
No. Whoa! He didn't get it!
'Yeah, I did.
Once I'd clicked the main switch,
that switch didn't do anything.
'No. If you'd left it...
We all established...
Ba-ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba-ba!
Ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba!
LAUGHTER
Now, we're moving on to the last
contestant. It's James Acaster.
A really annoying place
for the switch to be.
HE LAUGHS
Fucking hell!
Fan.
Hello, Alex. Hello, James.
It's a good one. Thank you.
OK.
LAUGHTER
A-ha!
LAUGHTER
It operates you, the switch does.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Pleased with yourself?
I feel very pleased.
LAUGHTER
But was that chance? It was chance.
He just caught you.
'He checked everything, the whole
area in one go, rather...
I'll tell you what it was, Kerry.
It was urgency.
LAUGHTER
The man appreciated he was against
the clock and he moved with speed.
I was legging it! He didn't wander
round going, "It's not the tap.
I'll mosey back to the switch."
I was not wandering.
'I was running. We were all running!
No, Kerry, you were...
LAUGHTER
Watch it back! Watch it back!
I was running!
'You may have done one run.
You were largely sauntering.
LAUGHTER
'And then you went all Phil Mitchell
again, when asked a perfectly...
"Did you enjoy that, Kerry?"
"No, I fucking didn't!"
LAUGHTER
'How long did James take, then?
Well, Jess took 11 something.
Phil, 10 something.
You, 9 something. James, 5.35.
It's pretty quick. Ooh!
APPLAUSE
'Let's give some points out,
shall we? Well, I guess you're
doing it for speed. Of course.
'I mean, we all know
James Acaster gets five points
for winning the task. Boom!
'It then goes four to Kerry,
three to Phil, two to Jessica.
But what happens with Rhod?
'Go on, give him a point.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK. One point. One point. OK.
Alex, can we have a look
at a score board, please? OK.
There are joint leaders.
Phil and Jess have seven points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Do you have a nice
uplifting task for us?
Well, I've got a nice down-lifting
task for you. Is that alright?
I guess so. Mm!
Ah! Hello!
Hello. Hello, Jess.
I'm just taking in my surroundings.
Ooh!
Hello, James. Ooh, don't touch that.
Well, you can if you want,
I suppose.
Dramatically alter your appearance.
Most dramatic alteration wins.
'You may start
altering your appearance
when you are inside the lift...
And the doors are closed.
I don't like lifts.
'You must stop
altering your appearance
when the doors... open again.
That's a good way of timing it.
A fair way.
That's, like... 18 seconds.
HE LAUGHS
You may inspect
the contents of the briefcase...
For five minutes before the lift
doors open for the first time.
Start the clock!
OK.
Oh!
OK, great. Cotton wool pleat.
I like that.
Love it. Love it. Love it. Felt.
Jam. Oh, God.
No. Wig. No. Wig.
So many things. Moustache?
Breasts.
Mustard? I'm no make-up artist.
Oh! I can't imagine
it's gonna involve mustard.
How much time do I have? You've got
two minutes and 20 seconds. Agh!
I've got a sheer panic on.
I can't think what to do.
'Can I take your coat?
Your jacket, please, Alex. I'm gonna
call the lift in ten seconds.Ah!
Ooh!
LIFT BELL DINGS
Good luck, Kerry. I'm really scared!
APPLAUSE
'Words are key
in some of these tasks. And I think
the key word here is dramatically.
To dramatically
alter the appearance. Yes.
'I'll give you an example, shall I?
This is Alex's normal face.
And now...
..a dramatic face!
HE GASPS
LAUGHTER
Fucking hell!
LAUGHTER
'Let's see how dramatically our lift
chums altered their appearance.
OK. They had 18 seconds in the lift.
'We're gonna see each
of their attempts individually.
Up first, it's Jessie K,
'who has already proven herself
quite the quick-change artist
in episode one,
which is available on catch-up
on UKTV Play.
LAUGHTER
Here she is!
Please press G. Yeah.
Good luck. Bye.
LIFT WHIRRS
LAUGHTER
LIFT BELL DINGS
SHE LAUGHS
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I can't move cos it'll fall off.
What will fall off?
Oh, I like your shirt and tie.
Unrecognisable.
APPLAUSE
Yeah. There we go.
Shirt and tie.
Ah, Mr Bond.
LAUGHTER
Pretty dramatic, right? Well,
I mean, incredible. High drama.
'I actually thought,
when the beard fell away, that was
when the outfit really kicked in.
'Because you'd gone to the trouble
of making a tie. Yeah, out of felt.
LAUGHTER
Felt on paper, that was. Felt on
paper. Did you make that pre-lift?
'Yeah, pre-lift. Pre-lift?
That's part of the prep.
Five minutes prep time.
Can I also just say,
I have a genuine phobia of lifts.
'Do you think it was that big a deal
if you overcame it in five minutes?
LAUGHTER
It was 18 seconds.
I knew that it was only
gonna be 18 seconds,
'and I knew that they'd get me out
because they had to
because I'm on telly. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Just like that! Bam! It's the end of
part two! Bam! Just like that! Bam!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'Thanks, thanks,
and an extra side portion of thanks.
It's Taskmaster part three
'and five comedians are vying
for Kerry Godliman's HDMI cable.
LAUGHTER
Which task are we in the thick of,
little Alex Horne?
We are doing one that's really
elevated the series, Greg.
LAUGHTER
Yes. Aww! God. Heartbreaking.
LAUGHTER
'I'm so sorry.
They're trying to alter their
appearance as much as possible
'within the 18 seconds
it takes the lift to go
from upstairs to downstairs.
They had five minutes to prepare
and a case full of props.
We're gonna see what's going down
with Phil Wang.
Please press G.
LIFT BELL DINGS
LAUGHTER
Who are you?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK.
LAUGHTER
Er, pleased?
Yeah. Couldn't look much different.
Also, you'll notice that when I went
in, I wasn't holding a jar of jam.
'I mean, that's one of the things
I want to discuss
more than anything else, really,
is how you think that holding
a pot of jam alters your appearance.
Mm. So, I go from...
LAUGHTER
I go from appearing not to have
any jam, to appearing as I do.
I'm backing you up here, Wang.
Thank you.
'He didn't have jam when he went in.
He had jam when he came out.
LAUGHTER
The bigger problem for me,
I thought, was that it was,
'there's one thing about you,
across this whole series,
that is unmistakably you.
LAUGHTER
'Never any doubt. Whereas if you
had just held the jam there...
LAUGHTER
..thus completely transforming
your identity. Yeah.
'Do you wanna see what Rhod did?
Let's hope that what Rhod did
isn't more ridiculous
than just holding a jar of jam.
OK. This is what Rhod did. Let's go.
Get in the lift and press G.
Press G? Yes, please. Good luck.
LIFT BELL DINGS
LAUGHTER
'Does it hurt? Oh, the mustard
in my eyes is agony.
LAUGHTER
'I'm really thinking now
I should've used mayonnaise.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'That's how dramatically I altered
my appearance. I went to the ladies'
toilets immediately after that.
'I knew your clothes were coming off,
so that was no surprise to me.
But there was absolutely no need
to rub mustard into your face.
LAUGHTER
'Also, that was a wig. He chose a wig
which looked exactly like his hair.
But it was a wig.
LAUGHTER
'I didn't even know
you were wearing a wig.
LAUGHTER
I thought you took your clothes off
and smeared mustard over your face.
That is the sign of a good wig.
LAUGHTER
Who's next?
What will Kerry Godliman do?
'Let's see Kerry Godliman's attempt
to find out the answer
to the question
about what Kerry Godliman will do.
Here we go.
What do I press? G.
You did say that. Sorry.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
'Ten.
LIFT BELL DINGS
No! I'm not ready!
That wasn't 20 seconds. Would you
mind stepping out of the lift?
That wasn't 20 seconds.
LAUGHTER
There was so much more
that was gonna happen.
'It's a good look. No, because I was
gonna do the knees on the shoes
and I was gonna wear theshades.
LAUGHTER
Thank you, Kerry. OK.
APPLAUSE
'I was so excited about that one.
Yeah. So, who was your final
character going to be?
I was just meant to be
dramatically... Are you trying to...
I know where he's going.
Where are we going with this?
'I'm just wondering what you thought
your final character, who you
thought your final character...
'The task wasn't to become
a character. The task was just to
dramatically change. No, I know!
'What is your problem with this?
I haven't got a problem.
I'm just asking...
'Imagine if you were a foot shorter,
how dramatically different...
You'd be nothing.
LAUGHTER
'Also,
I did look dramatically different,
more so than these two. Yeah. Yeah.
'So as long as we're not the same.
No, you did not...
I was just backing you up!
'No. Have you learned nothing?
All you did was shove a bloody
Brillo pad on your tits.
LAUGHTER
'That's not what I did.
That's not what I did.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
'I was sticking up for you.
You need to learn not to help people
cos we always stab you in the back.
You do, all of you!
LAUGHTER
'I would like to point out
that when Rhod accused you of
putting a Brillo pad on your tits,
James Acaster went like this.
LAUGHTER
'That was mainly
cos of the word "tits."
LAUGHTER
OK. The last person
is James Acaster. Here we go.
ALARM RINGS
LAUGHTER
Oh, no! No!
No! No! No!
LIFT BELL DINGS
No! No! No!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Please step out of the lift.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, I'm last. I'm last in this one.
Do you think?
APPLAUSE
This is what happens if you believe
what happens in films.
'Cos you pressed
the emergency button
and you just thought it would stop.
Yeah. You can take your time.
Probably could override it.
'Yeah, yeah. Press that, the whole
thing would stop. An alarm went off
and you continued to travel.
LAUGHTER
Points.
One point, James Acaster.
OK. The second least
dramatically-disguised.
'It doesn't matter how many pots
of jam someone is holding...
LAUGHTER
'This again! ..I will still be able
to identify them, particularly
if they've labelled themselves.
Two points for Phil Wang. As not
them! And thank me for those.
Purely cos she doesn't know
the concept of time,
'it's old furry norks, Kerry.
LAUGHTER
Three points. OK.
So it's between Jess and Rhod.
'Now, when Jess
first stepped out of the lift,
I hadn't got a clue who it was.
'SHE GASPS
And unfortunately,
her beard fell away
and I knew it was definitely
Jessica Knappett.
'Are you joking?
I'm gonna lose to mustard face?
LAUGHTER
And so, against all odds,
with five points, the winner of this
'is old mustard face,
Mr Rhod Gilbert.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Four to Jess. Five to Rod.
You! Yes?
What's next? Well, thank you.
This one has been weighing very
heavily on my mind. Here it is.
Make these scales read 31.770kg.
Kilograms.
LAUGHTER
The scales must read 31.77kg...
For at least five seconds.
Fastest wins.
Your time starts now.
MACHINE BEEPS
OK. I've broken it.
'What's that?
It means you're too heavy. I can't
be too heavy. It's only my foot.
'MACHINE BEEPS
You're too heavy for the scales.
Shut up!
Seriously? Yes.
'Are you winding me up?
How bloody rude!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
They had to make the scales
weigh exactly 31.770kg.
'Yeah.
They all tried to do it initially
by putting their body on it and...
'And? It's a butcher's scale,
it's very sensitive.
You'd have to lop a body part off.
'LAUGHTER
OK. First up to the scales,
it's Phil Wang.
What?
How much is 37?
WATER SLOSHES
LAUGHTER
HE GROANS
MACHINE BEEPS
Oh, shit!
Hot damn! We're in business. OK.
CHEERING
Congratulations.
I've stopped the clock.
Great. Can I get a selfie?
CAMERA CLICKS
APPLAUSE
'That is the most delightfully nerdy
response to a task we've ever had.
LAUGHTER
'Selfie. It looked like an audition
for The Big Bang Theory.
LAUGHTER
'He nailed it. I mean, the bucket,
it was only 345g over
when he first put it on,
'which is about the weight of
a hamster in or on a baseball.
LAUGHTER
What I would say was it wasn't
as quick as we made it look.
It took him six minutes
to fill and then drag the bucket.
'But the benchmark
is 8 minutes 28 seconds.
That's what he achieved. OK?
'I forgot there was a time element.
Right. Just one part to go, with
the studio task to be completed
and confusing things to be won.
See you right back here soon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. Welcome to the final part
of this Taskmaster instalment.
Yes. And I'm called Alex.
Before the break, they were trying
to make an industrial set of scales
display 31.770kg exactly.
'Do you wanna see the two parents
have a go? Yes, I do.
OK, here are Kerry and Jess.
'I haven't really
thought this through. Oh, sorry!
LAUGHTER
Right.
Oh, it's gonna take ages.
LAUGHTER
'LAUGHTER
One? Am I allowed
to go out and come back in?
Or do I have to do it all here? All
the information's on the task, Jess.
'SHE SIGHS
Can I have everybody's shoes,
please?
LAUGHTER
I'm gonna need 31 pairs of shoes
at this rate.
'Why did I do that?
There are no windows open in here.
It absolutely stinks.
'SHE SIGHS
I could get some heavy stuff.
I could get some heavy stuff.
That's the key, isn't it? Heavy
stuff? But not as heavy as me.
I don't understand what to do.
Why have you only used shoes?
LAUGHTER
Does it say
you have to stay in this room?
Oh, you made out like I did!
I said all the information's
on the task.
SHE SIGHS
You're kidding me!
This isn't practical.
I should've just gone with bricks.
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God!
It absolutely stinks in here.
Right, now we're really close,
aren't we?
How much does water weigh?
LAUGHTER
Oh! Oh!
Oh, no! It's alright.
One. Two. Three. Four.
I've stopped the clock.
It took a while, didn't it?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes!
What? Oh, it's gotta be
five seconds. One.
Two. Three.
Four. Five. I've stopped the clock.
APPLAUSE
'It's often that quotes get thrown up
that I think may or may not
haunt contestants.
'I mean, I thought, "I could use
heavy stuff, but not as heavy as
me," was mildly embarrassing,
'but it was hugely eclipsed by,
"How much does water weigh?"
How much does water weigh?
LAUGHTER
'She ended up with a time
of 1 second and 16 minutes. What?
LAUGHTER
'Not awful.
Your approach looked a bit like
the back of your telly to me.
Just absolute carnage.
LAUGHTER
Kerry, as well. We know that
Phil got 8 minutes 28.
Kerry, 8 minutes and 13 seconds.
Oh! Oh! Not so shit, then.
LAUGHTER
I always knew it was alright.
Thanks.
Yeah. Rhod and James are next up.
There's gotta be an easier way
of this, I reckon.
Will that do? 31.6?
No, that won't do.
It needs to be 31.770. Jesus!
You must be a butcher's nightmare.
LAUGHTER
Why that number?
Huh?
Do you not like that number?
Well, it's just a very specific
number, isn't it? Yes, it is.
LAUGHTER
0.065g.
HE SPITS
It's not gone up at all.
HE SNORTS
Oh, no!
LAUGHTER
HE SPITS
HE GASPS
Oh! Easy.
APPLAUSE
Thank you, James. Thank you.
APPLAUSE
More balloons than spit, eh?
LAUGHTER
'The problem was, you slightly
misread the scales. You thought
you needed 0.065 more grams,
but you needed 65g... What?
..worth of spit.
When you started spitting,
you actually needed 65g.
That's a tennis ball.
That's a tennis ball-worth of spit.
I did it. Eventually.
LAUGHTER
Rhod, 7 minutes 7.
James, 5 minutes and 44 seconds.
Wins the task. Yep.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Just to run it down, it goes James
with five points, Rhod with four,
Kerry with three, Phil with two, and
Jess, who took ages, one point. OK?
Bad luck. Bad luck.
APPLAUSE
'James, your enquiring mind
kept demanding what's
the significance of the weight,
and I know Alex is keen
to tell everyone, aren't you?
'Have you worked out the significance
of the weight? Ollie.
It says Ollie upside down.Oh!
Ollie!
APPLAUSE
'Score board?
Yes, I'll give you a score board.
Well, the series scores are...
'not as close as we would have hoped,
but we've got James in last place
with 57.
Then Phil with 58. We move into
the 60s. 63 to Rhod. 64 to Jess.
Bosh! She's still there with 72.
Kerry's in the lead so far.
Oh, man! Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
However, what I can tell you
is that this episode is tight.
'There are just two points
separating all five of them.
Rhod's in the lead. Phil's on 11.
'And there are three people
in joint second.
So it really is all to play for.
'APPLAUSE
In that case, it's time for you all
to vacate your chairs
and make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'Who's going to read the task out?
James Acaster
is gonna read the task out.
Oh! They've got handcuffs on.
LAUGHTER
Oh, no! Oh, no. Do you want me
to hold it for you? Yes, please.
Alex. Alex. Thank you.
LAUGHTER
Correctly don
the most items of clothing.
You have 100 seconds. Most new items
of clothing correctly donned wins.
OK. Blow your whistle,
let's get donning.
'100 seconds, starting now.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Good luck.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Round the back.
Sunglasses on.
How are you gonna get that on?
That won't go. That will not go.
Oh, yes, it will. No, it won't.
It's on!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good. You've got one minute left.
One minute left.
One item to go here. One item to go.
Really nice!
Really nice!
35 seconds! I'll put my hat on you,
you put your hat on me. Yeah.
AUDIENCE: Ohh!
Oh, that's gone. That's gone.
Have you finished, Phil?
Have you finished? Not yet.
It's the final 20 seconds. Come on!
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
Five, four, three, two,
one.
WHISTLE BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come down here. Let's see how that
affects the final scores. Alright.
We've looked at the footage. Yes.
We have only counted up the items
that were donned correctly. OK. OK.
Phil is last. He gets one point.
OK. Jess, Kerry and Rod
all donned four items correctly.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
They all get four points. Whoa!
'James Acaster donned five items
correctly. He gets five points
and wins the task.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'That is going to make
a pretty dramatic difference
to the score board.
I enjoyed that. Thank you.
LAUGHTER
It does. It means the final
score board looks like this.
It's a tie-break! Oh! Oh, wow!
AUDIENCE GASP
No!
LAUGHTER
How are we gonna find our winner?
LAUGHTER
Well, there's a lovely little
extra task, of course, Greg.
'All they had to do in this one
was make the best
loo-roll-paper aeroplane.
'They had five minutes
and one attempt.
Furthest flight wins. Here we go.
'I can't make a paper aeroplane
using normal paper.
I can't hear you.
LAUGHTER
Are you ready? Yep.
APPLAUSE
There we go.
'Well, I would say that
it's certainly not guaranteed
after that effort.
LAUGHTER
Next up, Rhod Gilbert.
Make a paper aeroplane
using only toilet paper.
ENGINE WHIRRS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh. Oh, dear. So James achieved
a flight of 3.9m. Not bad.
But Rhod achieved a flight of 22.7m.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
There you go. Very good.
'Well done to tonight's champion,
Rhod Gilbert!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'Please meander to the stage
and collect your confusing items!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, what have we learned today?
We've learned that everything
could be a construct.
Maybe none of this is real. Is it
a television show? Is it reality?
Whoa! Yep! It's real! It's real!
'And in case
you've already forgotten,
Rhod is tonight's worthy winner.
Let's award him with applause
and then ignore each other
until next time.
Have a lovely night. Night-night!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media