Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 7, Episode 3 - Twelve Blush Majesty Two - full transcript

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Hello, and welcome. You're watching
a show called Taskmaster

with a man called Greg Davies.

The battle for this tremendous
trophy is really raging,

as we enter the third
instalment of the series.

And our competitors are here to
proudly represent their

homelands, hailing from such exotic
kingdoms as Kettering,

Bradford, Carmarthen, Ealing and,
of course, Stoke-on-Trent.

So, let's all give a red-hot welcome
to our fearless five.

James Acaster...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Jessica Knappet...



..Kerry Godliman...

..Phil Wang...

..and Rhod Gilbert.

CHEERING

And, here, balanced on top of a
benevolent booster seat,

it's my pint-sized PA.

Oooh.

# What does everyone in the
street shout at him?

# Little Alex Horne. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's in your pocket, Alex?
Well, I've come up with a game.

I wanted to contribute to the
format, so I thought if I

come up with a task...

..maybe I can
affect the show more.



So, erm, it's a game called
"Stone, Paperclip", OK?

So, in my hand, I've either got a
stone or a paperclip.

Do you want to have a game? Yeah.

Ready? Yeah, OK.

Stone? Yes.

We'll do it again? Yep. OK.

Don't look. Yep.

Paper clip? Yes. Again?

Paper clip. Yes, you're good
at this. Yep.

Paper clip. Yes.

OK.

Another go? Stone. Yes, very good.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's prize task time. Beep.

So, the prize category for this
specific show,

is best thing from the '90s, OK.

Interesting.

So, Greg Davies will decide who he
thinks has brought in the

best thing from the '90s, and gift
that person five Taskmaster points.

At the end of the show, the winner
won't take home any of the prizes...

Not.

The winner will, of course,

take home all five best things
from the '90s.

Phil Wang, what's the best thing
you've brought in?

I was born in Stoke-on-Trent,
in January 1990,

so my best thing from
the '90s is...

..It's me, Phil Wang.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We make it clear that the prize is
to be kept by the person who

wins, permanently.

Some people might not want you for
the rest of their lives.

Me, for one. That one, there.

Well, it's a good thing Rhod's
not going to win.

James, what have you brought
in from the '90s?

So, I love the '90s. Because they
were the end of me being a toddler.

My toddler years were the worst
years of my life.

People used to grab me by the arms
and swing me around,

so I've brought in a collage of
Goodbye To My Toddler Years.

OK.

Fuck off!

Is there any part of you that wants
me to hold you upside down now,

to make sure that you didn't have
a good time, back then?

You couldn't hold me upside down.
Yes, I could.

LAUGHTER

CHANTING: Hold him upside down!
Hold him upside down!

How are you even doing this?
Yes! Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I loved it!

That's cast a different light on
all this, hasn't it?

Next, Jessica. I've brought a book
from the '90s. OK.

This man changed the course of
cultural history.

It's Timmy Mallett.

That's one of the only books
I've ever read.

I'm sure he's a perfectly nice man,

but I found his televisual presence
quite unsettling in the '90s.

Was it because he hosted a game show
and he punished his contestants?

LAUGHTER

It is a treasured possession.
I can show you the inside cover.

It was actually from 1989.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

You've instantly been disqualified.
No! Oh, that's really harsh.

Oh, not wide awake!

Rhod, what have you brought in from
the '90s? I don't believe it.

I found this little gem,
hiding...

Oh, my God.

So, is that from the '90s?

No, this is a photo from 2010.
Yes. Ha-ha-ha.

But I have a back-up
picture.

Here is a lovely picture of
Spice Girls.

Kerry, tell me yours is from
the actual '90s.

Mine is so firmly from the '90s.
Here it is.

Friends. It's the whole boxset.
Solid.

APPLAUSE

I think it defines the whole decade.
I don't mind Friends.

We could sit like this,
like they sit.

Like this and then like this.
Lean in, James.

SHE SINGS FRIENDS THEME

# So no-one told you... #

Yes!

Solid.

They're all quite shit,
the prizes, aren't they?

Very. Yeah. It's a weak round.

Very much so, but at least some
people are going to get

points because they chose
the right decade.

OK, let's get this over with.
You ready?

Zero points to Jessica Knappet.

He brought in a picture of you
from the Year 2000!

I brought in the Spice Girls.
I haven't come to him yet. OK.

One point to Phil Wang, just because
I would quite like to take

him home,
but that's a private thing.

I'm going to give five points
to the only person who brought

an actual decent prize in,
and that's Kerry.

Who doesn't like a boxset of
Friends?

Well done, Kerry.
Well done, really happy for you.

Well done, mate.

I found James's genuinely touching.
Four points.

Second place to James Acaster.

And then there's Rhod, who did show
a picture of the Spice Girls

but, unfortunately, tainted it by
adding a picture of me from 2010.

Therefore, neither image was from
the 1990s.

Nil points!

I think Phil's been unlucky though.
Why has Phil got..?

I mean, I agree, but five,
four, one, zero, zero?

Yeah, actually. All right.

I'll bump you up from one point
to three points.

If you can genuinely swear to me on
the lives of all those dear to you,

that whoever wins the prize category
can keep you in their house.

I knew what I was signing up for.

Three points to Phil Wang.

Good, so let's crack on. Can we have
an actual, proper task, please?

OK, first task, here we go.

This looks like a scene from Saw.

Oh, my goodness.

You're having your blood
pressure monitored. Yes.

I have no medical skills. Good.

Oh, my God. Excite Alex.

Oh, God.

Greatest increase from Alex's
current heart-rate wins.

You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.

This is going to be fun, isn't it?

Your time starts now.

OK. I'm just going to... Just going
to think about this for a minute.

Just quietly, alone, OK?

So, I'm going to just...

Is this task...? Has it been phrased

in a deliberately provocatively
saucy way?

Don't know.

Whatever you were hoping to get out
of it, Rhod delivered early doors.

We're measuring my pulse,

so it's the bottom number on that
machine. Right.

It takes 30 seconds to read it.
Yeah.

And my starting rate was somewhere
between 60 and 70 for all of them.

We're going to start with the two
young dudes, Phil and James.

Come with me. Where are we going?

Well, if I told you it wouldn't be
exciting, would it?

So, this is coffee. Black coffee.
With four cubes of sugar.

It felt like five.
Five cubes of sugar.

Would you drink this, please,
if you will, Alex?

Where are we going, James?
Just shout out "Alex Horne".

Alex Horne! Shout at these guys.

Alex Horne! Come on, baby.

63, still. Right.

HE GRUNTS WITH EFFORT

GRUNTING

Hmm. I actually don't think I'm
going to be able to excite you,

it's quite difficult...
Wha ha! Banana!

Still 63, James. OK.

CLATTERING

67. Where we started.

You're it! You're it.

Oh, he's so quick!

Alex!
LAUGHS

You got me! Come here, Alex!
I'm going to get you!

Oh, that was close.
Oh, that was a near miss!

His hat fell off.

OK, so that was 61. 61.

What was the compilation called?
Near Misses.

Yeah, they missed every time,
didn't they? They missed every time.

151. That's good, isn't it?

151.

APPLAUSE

How quickly was it between pouring
him a cup of coffee that you

went for the time-served technique
of hitting a pan with a hammer?

LAUGHTER

To be fair to me,

I did try nearly kicking him in
the face for about five minutes.

Yeah, yeah. I saw the karate stuff.

But I can't comment on that,
cos all I can see is your genitalia!

LAUGHTER

A lot of what you did was relaxing.
You gave me a hot drink...

That's what you do to relax,
isn't it?

Yeah. At one point, he reclined
my chair. That was nice.

And then he showed me these clips
of a Russian dashcam.

But it said Near Misses, so I knew
every time...everyone was OK.

So, how quickly into the video
did you realise that no-one

was going to get hurt?
Oh, immediately. Immediately.

It was the most relaxing
video I've ever seen.

My heart rate dropped
by six in the...

LAUGHTER
..in the time.

James, what was your thinking about
getting Alex to shout his own

name at passing traffic? I thought
about what would excite me in life.

Mmm. And I would be excited to wave
at cars and shout "James Acaster".

You would?

What I discovered pretty quickly,
if you are trying to excite Alex,

best not go down the route
of emotions.

LAUGHTER

And it was better to play tig
with him in the garden and just

get his heart rate up so that
he was chasing me.

He's right! It's something
I've never realised about you,

you're a cold fish. Yeah.
Very efficient!

LAUGHTER

Well, we're glad that's over!

See you in part two
for excited Horne action!

APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Nice to see you all.

Alex, are you looking forward to
this part of the show? Yes, I am.

I am excited because the current
task is to excite Alex Horne.

And I am Alex Horne.

Next up, from the Valleys,
weighing in around 140 lbs,

it's Rhod Gilbert.

Different idea. Do you want this
off as well? Yes, please.

I'm just worried that they're all
coming down. Yeah.

I'm going to excite you. Right.

It's quite tight, Rhod.

Well, there's no point doing it
loose, is there? So, coffee.

Guaranteed to get your heart rate
up. I'm going to go in this angle.

OK. Are you ready? Yeah.

How are you getting on?

Oh! I'm sorry. That's not bad.
It's not going in my mouth. No. OK.

It's in. OK.

Yes, I've got a good line
of sight now.

I'm going to go for a big hit now.
I'm ready.

THEY GIGGLE

I just wanted to finish the pot, I
don't like waste. How are we doing?

We're going to get the final reading
now. Get the final reading. 78.

Is that your final reading?

I think we've learned a lot more
about you than we have about

me, here. I've learnt
a bit about you!

HE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Jesus Christ, what's wrong?! I...

With these tasks, you just panic!

You just panic, it's blind panic.

It didn't look like blind panic,

it looked like fairly
structured torture!

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry! Well, did it raise your
heart rate? By 11, yeah. Only by 11?

I'll tell you, it wasn't hot,
it was lukewarm.

And it was coffee and hot chocolate,
so it was basically a mocha. OK.

And I do like mochas.

Last to try to excite me
are the two ladies,

Jessica Knappett and Kerry Godliman.

What do you find exciting?

It was quite exciting when my
children were born.

Have you got video footage?
Your wife might not want that.

No, we didn't film that one.
You're in a shark cage...

You've been lowered into the water.

When you open your eyes,
you're going to see a shark.

Oh, no!

The cage has broken! Oh.

But you're... The shark's coming
into the cage, and it's eating you!

I could re-enact childbirth.

Not in a gynae way, but in a sort
of...we could role play.

66.

It's gone up by six! Oh, we could
get out of the chair.

Out, in. Up.

Does it feel secure? Yes.

Keep going! Keep going. Keep going!

Ah!

Oh, I hit the post.

Are you excited? Tired.

Keep going!

101! 101. Let's go! 101.

Ah, that's exciting! Just give me,
give me 100 burpees. 100?

I... Oh, no! Really high.

115!

157. Yeah.

Are you OK? Well, no. Look.
You nearly tripled my heart rate.

I think you need to go to hospital!

Why did that make you dribble
when you said "Hospital"?

Tackle me! Oh, that's good.

I scored! That was exciting,
wasn't it?

APPLAUSE

I do want to make sure it's on
record than when Kerry

offered to re-enact
childbirth for Alex,

she followed the offer
with "Not in a gynae way."

Just to be clear!

There's a very iconic scene in the
film Kes where the PE teacher plays

football with the kids, but really,

he was wanting to show off his own
skills. Well...

OK, I see what you're saying.

I see what you're saying,
but football really excites him,

so we played football to excite him.

No, listen,
I know that was the starting point.

What I'm suggesting to you
is you got carried away and you

became goal hungry.

There was a moment at the end
where you went, "I've scored!"

And I could see it in your eyes,
it didn't matter who else was there!

And that was the least scary
description of a shark attack

of all time.

It was... The shark tank had broken!

I think it was just your voice,
Jess.

I don't think you're capable
of describing something scary.

Of instilling fear? Yeah.
You wanna bet? Yep!

And yet,
once you started doing burpees,

there was a sort of twisted sense
of pleasure came across your face.

Well, it was a role reversal,
wasn't it? It was very pleasing.

Give us some statistics, then.

Well, Phil took me down, as we know,
so he's in last place.

Rhod took me up by 11,
so he's in second last.

My heart rate went up by 43
thanks to Kerry Godliman.

In second place, it's James,
who took me up by 80.

But Jessica took my heart rate
up by 97, so wins five points!

APPLAUSE

Yes! I'm happy now.

But it feels like we should have a
scoreboard update, right? Yes. Yes.

It does. After two tasks,
Rhod Gilbert has two points.

But there are two leaders, James
and Kerry, both on eight points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Which task is up next? OK,
have a look at this. Ready? Oooh!

Ah! Hello.

What's this? What do you
think it is? Hello! Hello.

Task, isn't it? Yep.

Hello, James. Yeah.

"Make the best noise."

"When you are ready to make
your noise,

"you must say
"This is my best noise"."

"After you have made your noise
you must remain still and silent

"for at least ten seconds."

"You have 20 minutes, one attempt.
Your time starts now."

DISTANT SHOUT

That wasn't me.
LAUGHTER

Right. What noises do people like?

APPLAUSE

Best noise, eh? Best noise. Good.
What noises do you like?

The rustling of...
Do you like this?

WHOOOOOO!
LAUGHTER

Who's up first? We're going to start
with the outlaw, Jessie James!

Jess and James, Jess and James.

Whooo whoooo whooooo!

I found some stuff.
SHE GIGGLES

I'm just going to do a little
practice.

No noise at all, that.
What if I filled this with water...

And then hit it really hard
with something?

Whaaaarrr! How am I going to make
this happen all at the same time?

Why don't you talk to me at the
beginning of the tasks? What?

I always say, "Hello, James."
Yeah. You never say hello back.

It's not in the task, is it?

LAUGHTER

The task isn't,
"Say hello to Alex."

AUDIENCE: Aw!
Be nice, though.

This is my best noise!

Whoooo ooooh ooooh!

Whoooo ooooh! Booooh!

Whoooo ooooh oh!

Whooooooooh!

Hhhheeew! Hhhheeew! Hhhheeew!
Hhhheeew! Hhhheeew! Hhhheeew!

DINGS BELL

OK. Let's just do it now.

This is the best noise!

DULL CLUNK

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Two quick questions.
Why were you wearing a hat?

Why were you on a bike?
LAUGHTER

Erm, the answer to that is, I don't
know, and I don't fucking know.

One could argue that was a series
of noises, could one not?

Yeah, it was an elongated noise.
It had components.

And they were connected by...?
The same person doing them. Oh.

Oh, yeah. I'm the fool(!)

James. Dear, dear, dear God! Awful.

In my head, that was going to
sound so incredible.

I thought, this is going to be
that satisfying squelchy boing on

the galoshes, the ding of a bell...
Ding of the bell!

The resonance of the
acoustic guitar.

And it just sounded like... I may
as well have stamped on the floor!

Yeah.

OK, time for a commercial break.
See ya.

Hello! It's Taskmaster part three,

and everyone is playing
for the chance to win Phil Wang.

Including Phil Wang. What did we
hear before the break, Alex?

We heard some lovely noises, Greg.

We're going to see Rhod next.
You don't need to!

Did Rhod have the same idea as Jess?

We don't need to see all of them,
Alex.

Come on, let's see
what the bell-end's done.

LAUGHTER

I need some things, Alex.

I need a very tall ladder and
a picture of Greg, the Taskmaster.

LAUGHTER

CLEARS THROAT
This is my best noise.

DULL THUD

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Good girl!

LAUGHTER

You know I give the points out
on this show, don't you?

It was to make the best noise you
can, and your instant reaction was,

"Great, this is an opportunity
for me to drop dog shit

"onto the face of a friend
I've had for 15 years."

This is how it ends.

I didn't even panic!
LAUGHTER

Well, you're a very rude prick!
Alex, who's next?

Last up, from Location, Location,
Location, Kirstie and Phil!

Kerry and Phil! Yes, here we go.

OK, then. This is my best noise.

LAPS TONGUE WETLY

I'm going to do the best
noise from my mouth.

BLOWS RASPBERRY
Those are pleasing, aren't they?

Fart noises always bring
a bit of pleasure.

BLOWS RASPBERRY

BLOWS RASPBERRY LOUDLY

If I did an actual fart,
would that be pushing it, too...?

I don't know if I could control it.

LAPS TONGUE WETLY

Right. This is my best noise.

DEFLATES ECHOINGLY

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm going to win this!

Ah, you're definitely not!
LAUGHTER

Fart noise is a classic, but I very
much enjoyed your presentation.

Thank you.
It's all in the presentation.

Phil. I mean, Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry I didn't shit on
your face, Greg!

I don't think that's the first time
you've made that noise.

I make that noise every day.
It's how I wake up.

So I'm sleeping...
OK, so you're fully asleep now.

Oh, the sun's coming through
the curtains now.

LAPS TONGUE

LAPS TONGUE

Aahhhh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you want to hear
the noises in isolation?

I do, cos then I can judge
which is the best noise.

OK, here's the first noise.

DULL CLUNK

Second noise.

ECHOING DEFLATION

Third noise.

Whooooo ooooh ooooh!

BELL DINGS
Oooooh! Hhheeew!

Fourth noise, Greg.

DULL THUD

And the final noise.

TONGUE LAPPING

There they all are,
the five best noises in the world.

My least favourite noise...
No, no, no, no. Come on.

No, no, no.

My least favourite noise
was the sound of dog shit

being dropped onto my face.

I'm sorry, one point.
One point to Rhod. Come on! Yeah.

And James Acaster, you thank
your lucky stars, young man,

that you didn't drop poo on my face.
You have two points. Yes.

It's a tight-run thing,
but it's Kerry with three points.

Third place. Correct. Second place?

I'm giving it to the person I'm
genuinely worried about, Jessica.

And therefore the winner,
against all odds, is Phil Wang!

Five points to Phil Wang!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We have time for another one,
don't we? We do.

It's a lovely little tournament
I've labelled The Task Masters.

Mmm! OK?

Hiya! Hello, Jess. Hello.

Hello, Rhod. Hiya.

Hi, James.

LAUGHTER

CLEARS THROAT

"Get this ball
in that hole..."

"..In as few strokes as possible."

"The ball must only be struck..."

"The ball must never be carried."

"You have a maximum of 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."

What hole? What hole?

Where's the hole?

Oh, that hole!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But this is Taskmaster, of course,
so they're not just going to

whack the ball, they're going
to think about it for a while.

The time's not important,
it's worth saying,

it's the fewest possible shots.
It's the fewest possible shots.

They can take their time, set it up
however they want. However you want.

We're going to see James
and Kerry first. OK?

TINKLING

Not bad!

TINKLING
Oh, I broke it. Oh, no!

Anyone under the caravan?!

One shot.

Ah, fuck you! It's a bit further
away from the hole now, James.

Yeah.

Three!

Four!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven. Croquet mallet, seven shots.

Posh. Posh. Well, thank you.
Very quick. Thanks.

Aarghhhh!

APPLAUSE

That's a side we've not seen of you
before, blind rage.

I was absolutely furious! Well,
you broke a camera. Yeah, broke it.

How do you feel about that?

Pretty good, actually.
Yeah? At the time.

Kerry, when you completed the task,
you said, "Bosh." Yes.

And I'm increasingly thinking that's
your approach to this whole game!

Yes. "Get in, do the job, bosh!"

They're very straightforward tasks.

Get the ball in the hole, bang.

Are you like that at home?
Yes! Yeah?

"What do you want, dinner, kids?
Bosh! There it is. Beans. Eat."

"Right, bed."

Let's see some others. OK, do you
want to see... Oh, I've made a joke.

Do you want to see Nick Fildo and
Jessica Tappit? They're golf jokes.

Fucking hell... No?

SHE LAUGHS

Have you struck it yet?
No, I haven't struck it yet.

That's all right, isn't it! One.

Right, OK.

Come on!

Two shots. OK.

Oh!

Oh, why did I put the broom end
there? Great!

I don't know why I didn't just do
this the whole way down!

Oh, my God!

You missed the...you missed
the tunnel.

Heeeee!

Seven. OK. You're on the green.

No, do you know what,
this is fine now.

Hey!

Done.

Eight.

Oh, that is unfortunate!

Nine. You're off the green. Oooh!

Oh, God!

Thank you!

APPLAUSE

I put it to you, Jessica,
once you started using construction

techniques,
those actively hampered you.

Yeah, I complicated it. Phil's
weren't a lot better. Oh, come on.

They at least guided the ball
towards the hole

instead of blocked it.

On one occasion, they guided
the ball towards the end of a broom.

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

You created your own barrier!
Yeah.

In retrospect, I should have turned
the broom the other way around.

It's the fourth and final part
of the show next.

Will Wang win, I wonder? Find out
very soon. You see if we don't!

APPLAUSE

Hi and welcome back to the last part
of Taskmaster and The Task Masters.

Yes, Greg, they're trying to get
a ball into a hole.

It's a little bit like golf,
but it's definitely not golf.

One man left to see. He's flying
solo again. It's Rhod Gilbert again.

Here we go.

Just got to investigate the hole.

It doesn't say anything about me
walking on here.

It doesn't say anything about me
moving the hole.

So, technically,
that hole is movable.

Oh, my God!

I mean this, people say my ADHD
makes me shit at problem-solving.

No, sir.

Oh, God, look at that. It's a better
hole than the original hole!

Have you got all the hole?
Not quite.

I'm certainly going to get
all the hole.

You're getting the whole hole?
That's the whole hole!

Is that not the hole in the middle
of that hole? No. What's that hole?

It's a different one.

OK. OK?

Oh, dragging a hole is a lot
harder than it looks!

Oh, there it is. There it is.

Good luck.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That is what you call a hole-in-one.

APPLAUSE

That was, loath as I am to admit it,
fairly impressive.

Thank you very much.
It's not like I need the points!

Oh, Jesus, you do, yeah.

It was nice to see something
different than just whacking it,

wasn't it? Tell us how they all did,
because it's a strikes-based system.

Jess took most strikes so gets the
fewest points. One. Yeah. Thank you.

OK.

Kerry, seven strokes, two points.
James, six strokes, three points.

Bosh. Phil, five strokes,
four points.

Rhod, one stroke.

It's too impressive not to give him
full marks. Five points for Rhod.

That's the end of it.

APPLAUSE

Can we quickly see the scoreboard
before the final task, please?

Joint leaders all on 13 points,

James, Kerry and Phil.

APPLAUSE

OK, up you go to the stage
for the final task of the show!

APPLAUSE

Alex, who will read the task out?

Rhod will read the first part
of the task out.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

Bloody hell! "Write down a ten-word
fact. You have 100 seconds.

"There is a bonus point
for the best fact."

That's the first part of the task.

You've got 100 seconds. Starting...
WHISTLE BLOWS

I don't know if you can cheer on
people writing facts.

AUDIENCE SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT

Get in there! Do all ten words!

WHISTLE BLOWS
OK, they've written their facts.

You are a very generous audience!

So, here we go. Oh.

The second half of the task,

mouth your fact to the Taskmaster
without making any noise whatsoever.

Most words understood
by the Taskmaster wins.

OK, we're going to start
with Kerry Godliman.

OK.

Oh, keep it down!
LAUGHTER

Getting it loud and clear over here!

This is sabotage.

LAUGHTER

Ready? OK, what is Kerry's fact?
Greg?

I was born in Perivale in
London, UK, Europe, Earth.

I was born in Perivale, Ealing,
London, UK, Europe, Earth.

It's not bad, not bad. That was
amazing! OK, you can sit down.

You can sit down.

James, please take your place on
the spot. And mouth your fact.

There we go.

I didn't know I was going to have
to mouth it when I wrote it! No.

What is the fact, Greg?
Well, I've had to invent a word.

The second word I think is Youbats.

LAUGHTER

Only Youbats and armadillos
can catch the awful disease leprosy.

It's everything right
except for Youbats!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, humans.
Nine. You may have a seat. Nine.

Arguably, I could have used
common-sense for "humans"!

Who's next? Phil is up next.
Up you pop, Phil.

Oooh!

LAUGHTER

Greg, what is Phil Wang's fact?

Phil Wang's tool sacks,
12 blush, majesty two.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Can I tell them...?
Yeah, what is your fact?

My fact was Phil Wang's
shoe size is 12

- then I realised
I had four words left -

that's plus two, minus two.

Oh. Close, wasn't it?

Penultimately,
it's you, Jessica Knappett. Yeah.

Very nice. Very nice.
Thank you. Ready?

Let's just do it, Greg!

Did you know that ants live
to an average of 22 years?

He's chucked in two extra words,
but he's got it exactly right! Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The final contestant is
Rhod Gilbert. Up you come, Rhod.

Mwhhhh! Let's go.

I am trying,
but it is worse than Phil.

And Phil looked like he was having
a stroke.

I'm really bad at this.

You've got a very strong accent,
that's the problem.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK. Here's what I've got.

And I genuinely have tried to
get this right.

Greg brawls in dog jail, think
bail, failing old dog death.

LAUGHTER

And that is genuinely what I think.

Bang on!
LAUGHTER

Would you like to hear the original?
Yeah, sure.

Greg broke a toilet seat
by sitting on said toilet.

I'm quite hurt you don't remember.
I do remember, it was my own toilet.

It wasn't actually,
it was in the Edinburgh Festival.

I was trying to get a non-refundable
deposit, but thank God I didn't!

In that case, it should have read,
"Greg has broken two toilets!"

LAUGHTER

Bring everyone down, we'll work it
all out when you're down here.

Come on down to the studio floor.
APPLAUSE

Well translated.
Thank you very much.

Do you want to dish out the bonus
point for best fact first?

Yes, I do. OK. I enjoyed all of the
facts. All of them.

But, for me, the most genuinely
interesting, I had no idea

that it was only humans and
armadillos that can get leprosy.

So, there goes the bonus point -
James Acaster.

APPLAUSE

So, do you want the scores then,
including the bonus point?

For God's sake, yes. OK.

You only got one of Rhod's words
right, so he gets one point.

The word "Greg"!

After that, Phil was in fourth
place with four words,

so he gets two points.

Yeah. Kerry and James joint second
with nine words.

WHISTLES

But a bonus point to James, so
James and Jess both get five points.

Whooo! OK, so joint winners
of that task.

APPLAUSE

So the series scores? OK, James
in last place with 45. Phil, 47.

Jess, 52.
And then back down to Rhod with 50.

And then up again,
Kerry in the lead with 60 points.

Eight points clear. Oooh!

APPLAUSE

Absolutely boshing it.
Yes, she is. Smashing it.

However, despite being in last
place, this episode has been

won by one point by the mighty
Mr James Acaster with 18 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

YES!

James Acaster, congratulations.

Go and collect your things from the
'90s and take Phil Wang with you!

Because you've won Phil Wang!

APPLAUSE
So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that Youbats can
contract leprosy.

And we've learnt that tonight's
paragon of task completion

is James Acaster!

Nighty-night, and byesy-bye!
APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media