Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 7, Episode 2 - My Eyes Are Circles - full transcript
Phil Wang makes ogres poignant despite his eye-catching costume, Jessica Knappett beautifully mimics a funny noise and James Acaster finds various circles. Alex Horne carefully records it all for his beloved boss, Greg Davies.
Ah!
Ooo-ooh.
No!
Ah! Uh...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Hello.
And, in case you didn't hear me,
hello.
I'm Greg Davies and this is
Taskmaster.
Look at this, just look at it,
go on. Give it a real good look.
Now stop looking at it.
And now, have another look.
And that is the kind of utopian
future the winner of this series
can expect - getting to do whatever
they like, whenever they like,
to my head!
So, let's keep
this competition going
and meet the five rambunctious
rivals.
Please welcome James Acaster...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Jessica Knappett...
..Kerry Godliman...
..Phil Wang...
..and Rhod Gilbert.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And here, sat next to me,
it's my hypoallergenic fuzzball
of an assistant...
# He says he's over 6 foot
but he's 5 foot 4!
# Little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I wasn't expecting you
to be wearing that.
I have no doubt you've got
a hilarious reason.
It's the health and safety
beard snood. Right.
And the rule you sent me,
through the post this time, was,
when I'm preparing a meal,
if my beard is more than 2mm long
I must wear the beard snood. So...
..on it goes.
And you're preparing food now?
Always, mentally.
Always thinking of your next meal.
LAUGHTER
It's comfortable, it's made of very
soft cotton so it's quite...
LAUGHTER
Oh, that is...
That is going to
fucking hurt, isn't it?
It already hurts a bit!
It hurts a little bit on the ears!
Oh!
Thank you. Thank you, Greg.
Thank you. Thank you for that.
Very good. Let's crack on.
Thankfully, it's now time for
the prize task and this week
we've asked them to bring in
the boldest belt.
Whoever's belt you select as
the boldest will buckle up with
five satisfying points
and, at the end of the episode,
the person with the most points
will take home all five belts and
vastly reduce the chances
of their trousers falling down.
OK. Kerry, Kerry Godliman.
What belt have you brought in
and why do you think
it's the boldest belt?
I brought in a wrestling belt,
because it's the boldest of belts,
I can't think of a bolder belt
off the top of my head.
And it's gold. It's massive.
And, to be a wrestler, you've got to
be pretty bold, haven't you?
It's gold, is it? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
It cost £24.
£24? Is it plastic?
No, it's gold.
It's actual gold.
And you think gold is bold,
obviously.
Rhymes. Yes.
Bonus point!
James,
what have you brought in?
Fizzy belts.
Fizzy belts?
Yeah, like you get in a tuck shop.
Visual, please!
Fizzy rainbow belts.
APPLAUSE
They're cheap. Cheap.
So, I went into the tuck shop
and I said,
give me £500 worth...
LAUGHTER
..of your boldest belts.
And that's what they came up with.
When you see it now, do you think
you might have been ripped off?
When you see it laid out like that?
No, they cost a lot!
The yellow bits in there,
they're gold!
APPLAUSE
Jess, what is the bold belt
that you've brought in?
It's a seat belt pillow.
You attach it to your seat belt.
Here we go,
this is the seat belt pillow.
Right.
So, that goes on the seat belt and
you rest your head on his head?
That goes on your seat belt, or you
can just wear it driving around.
I've got a review from Amazon
for this one. Oh, great.
Takes really long time to arrive.
Quite poor quality.
Four stars!
Genuine review.
Is it a belt?
It's definitely a belt. It's a belt?
Yeah.
It's not. It has some attachments
for you to put it onto a seat belt.
I'm not going to lose this prize
task on a technicality.
Oh, I mean, you 100% are going to
lose this prize task!
Rhod Gilbert.
I got a belt. Is it bold? Yes.
Let's have a look at it.
It is bold.
LAUGHTER
That is a genuine stuffed
goat's head.
It's what I wear to weddings
in Wales.
Jesus Christ.
Have you ever worn that belt,
genuinely? I'm genuine!
That's the belt I wear to weddings!
You'll see at the end of the show.
Genuine, live... Not live, dead!
It's not live!
Phil. I've got a bold belt.
I got it made, custom made,
for this very purpose.
Good. Here's the belt.
So, I got to pick out the belt
strap and the buckle.
And this is how bold the belt was.
When I asked for this combination,
the guy said, "Are you sure?"
Do you want to see the guy?
So that's him actually making it.
I wish I'd got the guy
killing the goat now!
And I haggled with him for this,
I haggled with him. He said £50.
I said 30. He said 50.
And I said 40.
So I paid £50...
..which I think you'll find
is a nice, round, bold number.
Right, it's time to judge them. OK.
One point, James. It's not a belt.
Sweets.
What?!
Jess, two points,
and you're lucky, it's not a belt.
Oh! Kerry, three points. It's tat.
At the end of the day,
if you go to the trouble
to having a live goat's head
grafted onto your groin,
you're going to get
five points on this show.
Phil, four points.
Rhod Gilbert, five points.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
Belts - tick! Next task, please.
Yes, and we've got some
fast fiction for you.
Hi, Alex. Hello, Phil Wang.
Hi, Alex Horne.
That's too close to me.
Ooh.
Hello, James.
Write a ten-word story before
you reach the finish line.
You must be running while writing.
Must be.
Shoot!
Fastest across the finish line
with a proper story wins.
What do you mean, a proper story?
It's got to have a start,
middle and end.
Quite... I feel quite anxious
about this one.
Running and writing,
writing a ten-word story.
That's counting, running
and writing.
Counting, running and writing.
Could you read the last line
of the task, please, Phil?
Yeah, just give me a second.
OK, fastest across the finish line
with a proper story wins.
Your time starts...
SHE SQUEAKS
Pardon?
Your time starts...
LAUGHTER
Your time starts now!
APPLAUSE
Let's get on with it.
OK, well, here's everyone having
a bit of a jog and a bit of a write.
Phil, can you read the last line
of... Your time starts now.
Thank you, Phil.
How many words? Ten, please.
I must be running what?
Erm...
Are you running? Yes.
One, two, three, four.
There was a girl...
Partridge...ran...
Three-part structure.
Introduction, conflict, resolution.
She needed shoes!
..and...found...its...mother...
Nine, ten.
..dead!
Did it say write or tell
a ten-word story?
All the information's on the task.
LAUGHTER
Finished? I've just remembered
it's supposed to be ten words.
OK, I've got a story.
You all right, Rhod?
APPLAUSE
Now, then...
..it occurred to me that they didn't
actually have to start running
until they had their whole story
in their head, did they?
Well, it was only running
while writing. Right.
But they all just chose to get
running and...
Oh, they all ran the whole time.
Yeah.
Of course,
Phil Wang didn't write anything.
Well, shall we start with Phil's
story and then we can debate it?
Let's hear his story and then we'll
decide whether he wrote it or not.
An ogre was hungry.
Ate...
Ate a child.
It was his.
Thank you, Phil.
And you've definitely written that?
Well, written, you know,
write a story is not...
It doesn't literally mean write.
We say Homer wrote the Iliad
but we also all understand that
it was probably passed down
through oral tradition.
So you've used the oral tradition?
OK. I'll let him know. OK.
Thank you, Phil.
All right, thanks, guys. Good story.
Oh, yeah, there was
a pen and paper here.
APPLAUSE
I also regret saying oral tradition
while my dick was out.
So, the oral...
You're using the oral tradition
of Homer's Iliad.
Yeah, well,
I enjoyed that explanation.
I'm tempted to buy it, you know. OK.
And I think the story was
pretty powerful.
Beginning - ogre was hungry.
Middle - he fulfils that hunger.
Twist - he's eaten his own child
which is an act of...
Happiness.
LAUGHTER
I didn't know you were coming to me!
Well, that's enough of part one.
Good riddance, I say.
Nasty piece of work.
See you in a few.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! I have missed you so much.
You'll be glad to know its part two
and it's story time.
It is! Next up,
this is Jess reading her story.
The albino partridge ran away
and found its mother...
..dead.
That's it. Thank you.
APPLAUSE
It was a story. It was a story.
Let's just drill down into
some of the detail.
The albino partridge ran away.
Why did it run away?
Because its mother was missing?
No, because it had done
some bad shit.
I don't know, I haven't given it
any background!
I only had ten words!
Yeah, and she was very fast as well.
She was 24 seconds.
Oh, well, that's impressive.
It's a fast story.
My tactic was just take off,
run away like an albino partridge.
Who's next?
We're going to see a man
with the body of a writer
and the mind of a runner.
It's James Acaster.
The boy ran to France,
and I loved that boy.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Oh, God!
Good story.
Has it got a middle, that,
technically? Huh?
Beginning, middle and end. Yep.
There's certainly a beginning.
The boy running to France. Yes.
Boy ran to France. Yes.
And. I love that boy.
LAUGHTER
Boy ran to France.
Now, that's a long way.
From Kettering.
He was Kettering-based? Yes.
I think that was implied.
Of course, sorry.
Sorry. Yes.
I'm no story writer. Go on.
So, when the boy started running,
other people started joining the boy
running and he was inspiring people.
Like Forrest Gump.
Oh. Is that a thing? Yeah!
He's done a lot of things,
he met the president.
The president of...?
Kettering. Kettering.
And, when we got to France,
I knew that,
just like all the other people
who followed him, I loved that boy.
And then he married Jenny.
OK, happy?
Yeah, I couldn't be happier.
Who's next?
It's Kerry Katona.
Kerry Godliman.
Godliman. Godliman.
It's Kerry Godliman.
Right, OK.
There was a girl that needed shoes
and got shoes.
Thanks, Kerry. Thank you. Bye-bye.
Bye.
APPLAUSE
I realise it's shallow now.
Not necessarily.
It's about shoes.
There might be a profound reason
as to why the girl wanted shoes.
Yeah.
She'd never had shoes
her whole life.
Because of money?
Money, yeah, yeah. And...
She needed shoes, so there's
your set-up, there's your opening,
that's your act one. Yeah.
And then what did I say?
She got them.
And got shoes. She got shoes.
It turned out well. Yes.
Happy ending.
She needed the shoes.
She got the shoes.
So, the middle section...
No-one had to die, no-one ate a kid!
And then she found money,
she found some money in the street
like Willy Wonka!
She found the coin.
And she went, I'm going to go to
Freeman, Hardy and Willis's...
And she deserved it because all
the other children who brought
those shoe coins to the shoe shop,
they didn't deserve them! Yeah!
One was spoiled! One was fat!
One of them got their foot trapped
in the measurer like that!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That'll teach them!
You've really run with that,
you've run with my story.
I'm sorry, Kerry, but plagiarism
is not cool. No, I... No.
LAUGHTER
So, there's one more left to see,
isn't there, Alex? That's right.
And last up to the starter's line,
it's the other Mr Gilbert.
How long's that?
Ten minutes.
And what?
Four seconds.
Count me.
Count you? Yeah, let's have seconds.
Ten seconds... Yeah.
..11... Yeah.
..12... Stop.
Can you not read it yourself?
No.
Do you want me to read it? Yeah.
Aah...
Exhaustive.
The man ran...
..for exactly ten minutes...
..12 seconds...
..losing.
Ten words.
Thank you, Rhod.
APPLAUSE
Some good counting.
I mean, it's a work of art.
In many ways.
There were many other entries.
"Once upon a time there was
an old woman who lived in a shoe."
That's 14 words and you gave up.
"Good King Wenceslas looked out
but no feast. What?"
And then you gave up.
And then you had,
"The Taskmaster fell
while trying to unzip his trousers."
That's another attempt.
Nightly occurrence.
Would have scored highly.
But, yeah, they were all abandoned
in favour of the ten minute 12 one.
I think, in their own way,
all of those stories were beautiful.
I want to hear the times and that's
how we'll award the points.
Let's party. Jess, 24 second story.
Phil Wang, a two minute 16 story.
We know Rhod of course,
a ten minute 12 story.
20 second story by James Acaster.
He leapt over the gate as well.
Kerry... Yes.
..much slower, 44 seconds.
So, it goes one point to Rhod,
two to Phil, three to Kerry,
four to Jess but five to
James Acaster who wins the trial!
APPLAUSE
I smell a scoreboard. Yes.
They all have six points.
So, there we go.
Yeah. Amazing.
APPLAUSE
Very good. Another.
OK, this is big news.
It's our first team task
of the series. Here we go.
Hi!
Ooh!
What's all this?
Welcome, Rhod. Thank you.
Is that what Phil Wang's wearing
for the whole series?
Phil, I mean,
I'm trying to keep eye contact.
I'm desperately trying not to look
at your genitals.
How are you? How are you?
I'm all right. How are you?
Have you looked at Wang's genitals?
Oh, you have now. You reckon?
No, I haven't looked at them,
I'm trying not to becau...
Why are you trying not to? Well,
because as soon as he approaches...
Maybe that's the task.
I think that might be the task.
Don't look at Wang's dick.
You can both pick a card, please.
Don't show me it,
or each other, yet.
OK, Kerry, can you show me your
card, please? Show you? Yes, please.
A five. OK. Jess?
A nine.
Right, that means you get this.
If you want to pop that on.
Shall I take your drink?
Oh, shoes!
You to have to... I've got to wear
the blindfold? Yes, please.
And you two get to sit on those
stools. Yes!
We get a seat!
You've got to be joking?
That's for you, Kerry. Right.
Paint the best picture of
this still life.
The painter must remain
blindfolded throughout. Ha-ha!
The other person may not move
from their chair
and may only say
the following words.
You have ten minutes.
Your time starts now.
OK, here is the still life.
OK.
That looks like you've emptied
the contents of your underpants
onto the table, Phil.
APPLAUSE
Interesting difference in the
greetings between the two teams.
A lovely hug from the ladies
and you exclusively talked about
Phil's dick.
Good.
I can honestly say, I've never been
so happy to put a blindfold on.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Let's all have a little rest.
See you in a few minutes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ah, hello!
Come in, sit down and shut up.
What were we doing before the break,
please, Alex?
OK, this is the first ever
boys versus girls team task.
Blindfolded painting using only
the official authorised words of
banana, down, left, less, more,
pick, right, up and whoops.
Here we go.
Guys...
..you could grab my hand and
literally make me paint it.
That's not against the rules.
Right. That is...
..banana!
Is this the still life? Whoops!
Whoops.
Banana to that last question. OK.
Only those words, please, Kerry.
Banana for yes.
Yes.
Banana.
LAUGHTER
Banana, eggs.
Banana. Melon.
Banana.
Say more when I've got
the right place. More.
OK, I'm drawing a pineapple.
LAUGHTER
Down.
Pick. Up.
Wait...
Banana, banana, banana!
Banana, banana, banana.
Banana! Banana, banana, banana,
banana, banana, banana.
More! Less.
More. Less.
More. Less.
Whoops, more, more.
Right?
Left. Left. Left.
Banana.
Melon time. Banana!
Right, banana. Banana.
Here?
Right.
Whoops. Whoops.
LAUGHTER
Whoops, right, banana. Left, banana.
Oh, you mean...
Like that? Left banana.
How's that? Banana.
Yes! Banana!
WHISTLE
More, more, more.
MUMBLING
WHISTLE
Banana.
Banana whoops.
Not bad. Not bad at all.
Not bad at all.
APPLAUSE
The females don't look happy.
I'm livid. That's cheating,
isn't it?
What? Holding the hands
and doing it on their behalf.
Didn't say on the card,
didn't say anything about it.
That was not the intention
of the task, was it, really?
I think you've got to think outside
the box with these things.
Very much so. Yeah.
Well, it's delicate, isn't it?
Because sometimes, ooh,
think outside the box.
Other times, cheating.
You want to see the picture? Yeah.
Oh. Wow.
Given they cheated,
I expected more. Yeah.
The duck's good, mind.
Yeah, the duck's good but the rest's
crap.
Here's the girls'.
Wow. It's good, isn't it?
Which one's the picture?
'You want to see them
next to each other?
You'll have to judge them.
This is the two of them.
I'm going to judge them as well.
It's up to you, Greg.
I think it's close but
one of the teams didn't cheat.
To be fair to the boys, look at
the texture in that melon. Yeah.
Look at the texture!
Look at the texture in our melon!
Yours looks like spiralized
courgette!
It does. All right, you've got to
score it.
There's normally five points to
split between the two teams. Yeah.
For me, the sheer detail
in that duck...
The sheer detail in that duck...
You love that duck. ..snatches it.
So I'm going to give the boys
three points and the ladies two.
Three to the boys, two to the girls!
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
Fine, thank you.
More, please, more.
Up more, less banana,
up less, banana, whoops!
Here we go.
Hi. Oh, hello.
Oh, my God!
Oh, what's happened?
I love these!
Foghorns!
SHE HONKS LIKE A HORN
It's the sound of a party.
Predict what Jessica Knappett...
Kerry Godliman...
Phil Wang...
Rhod Gilbert...
James Acaster will do with one
of the objects
and do something yourself with
one of the objects.
You also get five points
if Rhod Gilbert...
Phil Wang...
Kerry Godliman...
Jessica Knappett...
James Acaster correctly predicts
your own action.
What a good task.
Right...
APPLAUSE
Firstly, we should definitely
shine a light on your impression.
Thank you. Perhaps you'd like
to do it live.
SHE HONKS LIKE A HORN
LAUGHTER
Very good.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, the idea is you want to be
predictable, and good at predicting.
We're going to start with Rhod
and Jess making their prediction.
'I know what James Acaster's
going to do. That's easy.
'Acaster will take the tenner,
he's skint.
LAUGHTER
What do you think Kerry Godliman
will do with one of these things?
'I think she'll be like that.
"Can I have this?"
LAUGHTER
OK... "Free money, brilliant!"
That's what she'll do. OK.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
That was a terrible
impression, I'm so sorry.
I think her impression of the horn
is better then her impression of me.
I think so, too.
You don't think that you sound like
a drunk Phil Mitchell?
LAUGHTER
James, Rhod suggested that
you're struggling a bit financially.
I spent 500 quid
on fizzy belts.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Makes sense. Yeah?
Absolutely makes sense.
All right. Well, let's see
if they got it right.
I think you already knew
I was going to do this one.
And I would hope that Rhod would
also know that I'd do this.
Why are you doing it? Huh?
Why are you doing it?
Cos I'm punk!
AIR HORN SOUNDS QUIETLY
LAUGHTER
Do you have to wear these
for that?
And I think I'll just take
that tenner. OK.
APPLAUSE
See you later, then.
Thanks, Kerry. Bye. Bye.
APPLAUSE
Well done. So predictable.
Well done. Very predictable.
APPLAUSE
So, for that, Jess and Kerry both
get five points for that,
and Kerry gets £10.
You want to see the rest? Yep. Yeah?
OK, this is all the rest
doing all the rest. Here we go.
All I've got to do is get
in to Phil Wang's head.
Think about what he thinks of me.
I know he's a big fan.
Right.
Jess Knappett...
I mean, I think she'll just bite the
apple.
Although...
Surely everyone wants to do that?
Are you changing your answer? I
feel like I am. Because...
..surely everybody wants to do that.
I'm just going to do the noise
myself.
JESS IMITATES AIR HORN
BELL DINGS
Come on, Phil. Come to me.
Come to me, Phil.
Wang reckons I'm going to
blow the air horn.
I think Rhod Gilbert, being a proud
Welshman, is going to blow
an air horn at a picture of the
Queen while screaming.
Am I allowed to do it in your face?
If you want.
AIR HORN BLARES
BELL DINGS
Right, I reckon Phil...
..would do this.
There is an mischievousness to
him. Naughty boy? Naughty boy!
Sounds a bit seedy, doesn't it,
that?
Wang!
KLAXON SOUNDS
APPLAUSE
Kerry had a tough job predicting
that Phil would have done that.
Yeah, of course. Of
course she did. Yeah.
And you're the only person who
didn't understand
the importance of predictability.
Well, I presumed she knew I liked
saying my name from time to time.
How would I know that? Why would I
know that? Well, it's Wang, innit?
This is the...
And a boy's got to eat.
A naughty boy got to eat and say
Wang. Yeah.
I didn't see that coming.
I don't see why everyone's looking
at me like I'm the weird one, here.
LAUGHTER
What it means, they are actually all
get five points - except for Jess,
who gets 10, because
she is the only one
who predicted
and was predicted correctly.
Let's have a look at the scoreboard.
See the scoreboard? Yeah.
With those 10 points, obviously,
Jess has moved to 18 points
and taken the lead.
Wow. Wow.
APPLAUSE
JESS IMITATES AIR HORN
She's catchable, though.
What's next, please, Alex? OK,
it's time for round one...
Sorry, it's time for
Around One. Ready?
Hello, hello. Hello.
Bonjour. Hello, Rhod.
Hello, James.
LAUGHTER
"Draw the biggest and best circle."
"Biggest and best circle wins."
"Your circle must be completed
in one single sweep."
So I'm like a...you want me to be
an enormous human compass? Mmm, OK.
"You have 10 minutes. Your time
starts now."
Right. I'm going to go outside.
You're coming?
Could I have some chalk?
There's probably some in the shed.
OK.
You haven't got a roll of paper?
Wallpaper would be good,
wouldn't it?
No. No, no. Haven't got any of that.
Well, I'm restricted by the
limitations of what you've got.
Very much so.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I'd be interested to see if this is
the first and only time that
you get angry about having the
things that you do restricted
by the format of this show.
No, I think I get angry quite a
lot. Yeah, you do.
LAUGHTER
Let's see some stuff.
All right, we'll start with two
comedians who've already
shortened their names, but I've made
them even shorter - it's Phi and Je.
Phi and Je. Ready?
Would you mind if I mark straight
onto your drive?
I think this will be over
quite quickly.
OK.
Right. Shall I go? Good luck.
God, it's so much harder than
I thought it was going to be.
Here we go.
Oh, no!
Bit of slack, there.
Oh, sugar! Oh, come on, mate!
Mmm.
So it turns out some rocks are
better for drawing on
than other rocks.
LAUGHTER
That's a lovely straight line to
finish it with!
I've lost pretty much all the
colour.
How did that go so wrong?!
Ooh...
Big circle. Yeah.
Um, I think...
Where is it? It was here.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What happened, then, Jess?
My rope came loose,
and that's where the straight line
began and the circle ended. Yeah.
But what you did do is you chose a
writing implement that would
make an actual mark on...
I did, yeah.
I felt that was aimed at me.
KERRY: What did you use? It was a
marker pen.
It was a highlighter. It was a
highlighter.
Highlighter, sorry. It was a
highlighter.
I mean, the name highlighter
promises more than it delivers.
It was very unfortunate that you
cannot see my circle.
I tried to measure his. Jess's was
quite easy to measure,
because it had a length and breadth,
which is unusual for a circle.
And hers was 38.5 square metres.
Lovely.
Another part comes to an end,
meaning it's time to wade through
another slurry of miserable adverts.
But some belts will be won in part
four, so it's not all bad.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
It is part four.
What's been happening?
They've been drawing circles, Greg.
Well, they've been trying to draw
circles.
We've seen Jess's,
we couldn't see Phil's.
Next up, it's "James A Caster".
What does the A stand for? Nobody
knows.
It's like Michael J Fox or
Jesus H Christ. Ready?
LAUGHTER
Here's his attempt.
I know what I'm going to do.
You know what you're going to do?
I'm going to cycle round in circles
on the bike
was spinning this round my arm.
OK, well, you've got one go at
this. Good luck.
Yeah? Well, good luck to you.
This is how you sweep a circle. Are
you ready?
Yes.
LAUGHTER
JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS
You're still doing it. And look
where I landed. In a circle.
Near a circle.
How many circles have been
involved in this so far?
There's those wheels,
already circular.
This was going in circles round me,
that's a circle.
I landed in the circle.
It's not most circles. Huh?
It's biggest and best circle.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, but you add them
all up together.
You should add them all up.
I'll add them all up. And then
that's...that's the...
..that's the task.
That was the real task. OK.
Thanks, James.
I really enjoyed your circles.
Thank you, Alex. Goodbye.
APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Good evening.
LAUGHTER
OK. Explain yourself.
I thought... You thought,
"I've been told I should draw the
biggest circle, but what
"I'm going to do is ride around
aimlessly on a bike
"whilst badly spinning a hula hoop.
'LAUGHTER
"And then I'm going to crash,
accidentally notice there's another
"circle on the floor, and try and
claim that as part of my attempt."
That's my reading of what I saw.
Have you got anything different
to add?
My eyes are circles?
LAUGHTER
Do you want to see the last two?
Yes, of course! OK, here they are.
By far the oldest people I've ever
introduced,
from the current panel, it's Rhod
and Kerry.
Right. Is there a map of the world
here?
Do you want me to go and see if I
can find one? Yeah.
Get a map of the world. That'd be
one idea.
I'm limited by the size of this
table, aren't I?
I can only do it as big as what I've
been given to work with.
Do you want a bigger table? I want a
bigger piece of paper,
if I'm honest.
It's just the same thing!
HE GROANS WITH EFFORT
Jeez!
Now then, it's all got to be done in
one swoop, hasn't it? Sweep. Sweep.
Done.
Argh!
Hm. This isn't massive.
I wouldn't use the word "massive"
to describe this. Mm.
I mean, there's a massive surface,
white surface there,
but you didn't give me options.
LAUGHTER
I've just been given a pile of A4.
Oh!
I can go outside?
You do whatever you want, Kerry.
I could draw a massive circle in the
snow. What was this about?
This is a total waste of time!
Yes, six minutes. Right.
Right, this is the longest
thing I can find.
I've just realised I could just make
a bit of a bigger circle.
LAUGHTER
Do you want me to bring
your paper out?
I don't need the paper now, do I?
We've established that. OK. Ready?
Yes.
I'm over the moon with that!
APPLAUSE
No-one's going to beat that!
SHE LAUGHS
APPLAUSE
That is perfect!
CHEERING
I did a circle!
That is a good circle.
That is a good circle.
You've got to be pleased with that,
you being all smart-arsed
with your map!
Kerry's circle is just wonderful.
Yeah, but no-one else had snow to
play with. Exactly. It seems unfair.
Exactly, Greg. I can't get penalised
for the fact it was snowing. Yes!
You cheated!
LAUGHTER
Technically, Rhod's without question
the biggest, if we're kind.
It encompassed an area of 601,000
miles squared.
Not literally though, eh?
Well, I've looked at the key...
No, cos it's a crappy map!
If I said, "Oh, I just walked across
the West Indies..."
How, how, how dare you even speak!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I mean, fair play.
The balls of the man!
LAUGHTER
Start with the worst circle.
Well, unbelievably I've got to
give him a point.
I don't want to,
I'm absolutely furious.
James found a circle, and he
can have a point.
Phil did draw a circle. We couldn't
see it very well, sure.
But he did draw one,
he used a good technique.
Now, Jess used a good technique.
It went wrong,
but we could at least see it,
so I'm going to give her three
points. Three points to Jess.
I enjoyed Rhod's creativity... OK.
..in creating the biggest circle,
even though he didn't really, so I
give you four points. It's to scale.
And, without question, the most
beautifully drawn
and the best circle of all gets five
points, it was Kerry Godliman.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
OK. For only the second time this
series, please will you make
your way to the stage for the
final task of the show!
APPLAUSE
Alex, who's for reading the
task out? Phil Wang.
"Make the highest tower of cans
within your hoop.
"You have 100 seconds, during which
you must also be within your hoop.
"If you step out of your hoop during
the 100 seconds
"you will be disqualified.
"After the 100 seconds,
"you must step out of your hoop and
not touch your tower again.
"Highest self-supporting tower of
cans within your hoop,
"10 seconds after the final whistle,
wins."
OK. And remember, if you step out of
the hoop during the construction
of the tower you'll be disqualified.
Everyone ready?
100 seconds starts...
BLOWS WHISTLE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's quite a big tower.
Are you trying to reach them?
Be careful of this bit. Yeah.
Are you still in your hoop, Phil?
I've not stepped out of it.
Are you sure?
Do you think that's going to stay
after the 10 seconds?
LAUGHTER
Yes. 20 seconds left.
Oh, no! Problems there, problems
there. Yeah. We're down.
LAUGHTER
It's tight!
Four, three, two, one...
BLOW WHISTLE
Step out of your hoops!
Come out of your hoops!
AUDIENCE: Ooooooh!
Step out of your hoop, step out of
your hoop, step out of your hoop!
You've made mine fall!
Three, two, one...
WHISTLE
We have a winner.
APPLAUSE
Come down and let's see how that's
affected the final scores!
APPLAUSE
Please "cans" you talk me through
that last task, Alex?
That's really funny(!)
Really funny.
LAUGHTER
OK, so...
James had a very tall tower, until
it was relevant, and then...
LAUGHTER
..down it went, so he came last.
One point.
Jess's tumbled because...
I had Acaster after-shocks.
LAUGHTER
So, two points to Jess.
Three points to Phil, who managed to
stack three cans in 100 seconds!
But the two giants were
Rhod and Kerry,
and Kerry just pipped you,
she gets five points.
Lovely! OK.
APPLAUSE
Which means the leaderboard is
quite exciting reading.
There's a tie at the top,
the two ladies are tied on 23!
AUDIENCE: Oooooh!
We can't leave it like that, can we?
We've got a tie-break. Yep.
The tie-break is, what number do I
have written on my left forearm?
Closest answer wins. Seven. Seven.
Er... 1666.
LAUGHTER
Because of the fire? Jess, do you
really want to go with that?
Yeah! You've got a good chance of
winning an episode here, mate.
LAUGHTER
OK. We're going for seven...
1666 it is.
The exact number is... Oooh! 1...
Oooh! 5...
51 point...
It's 28.51!
'LAUGHTER
Which means Kerry Godliman
wins the episode! Oh!
APPLAUSE
My lucky number.
Kerry Godliman wins the second
episode in a row.
Please head up and belt up!
APPLAUSE
So, what have we learned today?
We've learned that Taskmaster is a
show of contrasts.
Ask Jessica Knappett to impersonate
an air horn
and she will delight you.
Ask James Acaster to draw a circle
and he'll make you want to smash
his face in.
LAUGHTER
And, once again, we've learned that
Kerry Godliman is the winner
of today's show.
Make your hands flat and then
connect them noisily
for good old Kerry Godliman!
Goodnight and goodbye!
APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
Ooo-ooh.
No!
Ah! Uh...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Hello.
And, in case you didn't hear me,
hello.
I'm Greg Davies and this is
Taskmaster.
Look at this, just look at it,
go on. Give it a real good look.
Now stop looking at it.
And now, have another look.
And that is the kind of utopian
future the winner of this series
can expect - getting to do whatever
they like, whenever they like,
to my head!
So, let's keep
this competition going
and meet the five rambunctious
rivals.
Please welcome James Acaster...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Jessica Knappett...
..Kerry Godliman...
..Phil Wang...
..and Rhod Gilbert.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And here, sat next to me,
it's my hypoallergenic fuzzball
of an assistant...
# He says he's over 6 foot
but he's 5 foot 4!
# Little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I wasn't expecting you
to be wearing that.
I have no doubt you've got
a hilarious reason.
It's the health and safety
beard snood. Right.
And the rule you sent me,
through the post this time, was,
when I'm preparing a meal,
if my beard is more than 2mm long
I must wear the beard snood. So...
..on it goes.
And you're preparing food now?
Always, mentally.
Always thinking of your next meal.
LAUGHTER
It's comfortable, it's made of very
soft cotton so it's quite...
LAUGHTER
Oh, that is...
That is going to
fucking hurt, isn't it?
It already hurts a bit!
It hurts a little bit on the ears!
Oh!
Thank you. Thank you, Greg.
Thank you. Thank you for that.
Very good. Let's crack on.
Thankfully, it's now time for
the prize task and this week
we've asked them to bring in
the boldest belt.
Whoever's belt you select as
the boldest will buckle up with
five satisfying points
and, at the end of the episode,
the person with the most points
will take home all five belts and
vastly reduce the chances
of their trousers falling down.
OK. Kerry, Kerry Godliman.
What belt have you brought in
and why do you think
it's the boldest belt?
I brought in a wrestling belt,
because it's the boldest of belts,
I can't think of a bolder belt
off the top of my head.
And it's gold. It's massive.
And, to be a wrestler, you've got to
be pretty bold, haven't you?
It's gold, is it? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
It cost £24.
£24? Is it plastic?
No, it's gold.
It's actual gold.
And you think gold is bold,
obviously.
Rhymes. Yes.
Bonus point!
James,
what have you brought in?
Fizzy belts.
Fizzy belts?
Yeah, like you get in a tuck shop.
Visual, please!
Fizzy rainbow belts.
APPLAUSE
They're cheap. Cheap.
So, I went into the tuck shop
and I said,
give me £500 worth...
LAUGHTER
..of your boldest belts.
And that's what they came up with.
When you see it now, do you think
you might have been ripped off?
When you see it laid out like that?
No, they cost a lot!
The yellow bits in there,
they're gold!
APPLAUSE
Jess, what is the bold belt
that you've brought in?
It's a seat belt pillow.
You attach it to your seat belt.
Here we go,
this is the seat belt pillow.
Right.
So, that goes on the seat belt and
you rest your head on his head?
That goes on your seat belt, or you
can just wear it driving around.
I've got a review from Amazon
for this one. Oh, great.
Takes really long time to arrive.
Quite poor quality.
Four stars!
Genuine review.
Is it a belt?
It's definitely a belt. It's a belt?
Yeah.
It's not. It has some attachments
for you to put it onto a seat belt.
I'm not going to lose this prize
task on a technicality.
Oh, I mean, you 100% are going to
lose this prize task!
Rhod Gilbert.
I got a belt. Is it bold? Yes.
Let's have a look at it.
It is bold.
LAUGHTER
That is a genuine stuffed
goat's head.
It's what I wear to weddings
in Wales.
Jesus Christ.
Have you ever worn that belt,
genuinely? I'm genuine!
That's the belt I wear to weddings!
You'll see at the end of the show.
Genuine, live... Not live, dead!
It's not live!
Phil. I've got a bold belt.
I got it made, custom made,
for this very purpose.
Good. Here's the belt.
So, I got to pick out the belt
strap and the buckle.
And this is how bold the belt was.
When I asked for this combination,
the guy said, "Are you sure?"
Do you want to see the guy?
So that's him actually making it.
I wish I'd got the guy
killing the goat now!
And I haggled with him for this,
I haggled with him. He said £50.
I said 30. He said 50.
And I said 40.
So I paid £50...
..which I think you'll find
is a nice, round, bold number.
Right, it's time to judge them. OK.
One point, James. It's not a belt.
Sweets.
What?!
Jess, two points,
and you're lucky, it's not a belt.
Oh! Kerry, three points. It's tat.
At the end of the day,
if you go to the trouble
to having a live goat's head
grafted onto your groin,
you're going to get
five points on this show.
Phil, four points.
Rhod Gilbert, five points.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
Belts - tick! Next task, please.
Yes, and we've got some
fast fiction for you.
Hi, Alex. Hello, Phil Wang.
Hi, Alex Horne.
That's too close to me.
Ooh.
Hello, James.
Write a ten-word story before
you reach the finish line.
You must be running while writing.
Must be.
Shoot!
Fastest across the finish line
with a proper story wins.
What do you mean, a proper story?
It's got to have a start,
middle and end.
Quite... I feel quite anxious
about this one.
Running and writing,
writing a ten-word story.
That's counting, running
and writing.
Counting, running and writing.
Could you read the last line
of the task, please, Phil?
Yeah, just give me a second.
OK, fastest across the finish line
with a proper story wins.
Your time starts...
SHE SQUEAKS
Pardon?
Your time starts...
LAUGHTER
Your time starts now!
APPLAUSE
Let's get on with it.
OK, well, here's everyone having
a bit of a jog and a bit of a write.
Phil, can you read the last line
of... Your time starts now.
Thank you, Phil.
How many words? Ten, please.
I must be running what?
Erm...
Are you running? Yes.
One, two, three, four.
There was a girl...
Partridge...ran...
Three-part structure.
Introduction, conflict, resolution.
She needed shoes!
..and...found...its...mother...
Nine, ten.
..dead!
Did it say write or tell
a ten-word story?
All the information's on the task.
LAUGHTER
Finished? I've just remembered
it's supposed to be ten words.
OK, I've got a story.
You all right, Rhod?
APPLAUSE
Now, then...
..it occurred to me that they didn't
actually have to start running
until they had their whole story
in their head, did they?
Well, it was only running
while writing. Right.
But they all just chose to get
running and...
Oh, they all ran the whole time.
Yeah.
Of course,
Phil Wang didn't write anything.
Well, shall we start with Phil's
story and then we can debate it?
Let's hear his story and then we'll
decide whether he wrote it or not.
An ogre was hungry.
Ate...
Ate a child.
It was his.
Thank you, Phil.
And you've definitely written that?
Well, written, you know,
write a story is not...
It doesn't literally mean write.
We say Homer wrote the Iliad
but we also all understand that
it was probably passed down
through oral tradition.
So you've used the oral tradition?
OK. I'll let him know. OK.
Thank you, Phil.
All right, thanks, guys. Good story.
Oh, yeah, there was
a pen and paper here.
APPLAUSE
I also regret saying oral tradition
while my dick was out.
So, the oral...
You're using the oral tradition
of Homer's Iliad.
Yeah, well,
I enjoyed that explanation.
I'm tempted to buy it, you know. OK.
And I think the story was
pretty powerful.
Beginning - ogre was hungry.
Middle - he fulfils that hunger.
Twist - he's eaten his own child
which is an act of...
Happiness.
LAUGHTER
I didn't know you were coming to me!
Well, that's enough of part one.
Good riddance, I say.
Nasty piece of work.
See you in a few.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! I have missed you so much.
You'll be glad to know its part two
and it's story time.
It is! Next up,
this is Jess reading her story.
The albino partridge ran away
and found its mother...
..dead.
That's it. Thank you.
APPLAUSE
It was a story. It was a story.
Let's just drill down into
some of the detail.
The albino partridge ran away.
Why did it run away?
Because its mother was missing?
No, because it had done
some bad shit.
I don't know, I haven't given it
any background!
I only had ten words!
Yeah, and she was very fast as well.
She was 24 seconds.
Oh, well, that's impressive.
It's a fast story.
My tactic was just take off,
run away like an albino partridge.
Who's next?
We're going to see a man
with the body of a writer
and the mind of a runner.
It's James Acaster.
The boy ran to France,
and I loved that boy.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Oh, God!
Good story.
Has it got a middle, that,
technically? Huh?
Beginning, middle and end. Yep.
There's certainly a beginning.
The boy running to France. Yes.
Boy ran to France. Yes.
And. I love that boy.
LAUGHTER
Boy ran to France.
Now, that's a long way.
From Kettering.
He was Kettering-based? Yes.
I think that was implied.
Of course, sorry.
Sorry. Yes.
I'm no story writer. Go on.
So, when the boy started running,
other people started joining the boy
running and he was inspiring people.
Like Forrest Gump.
Oh. Is that a thing? Yeah!
He's done a lot of things,
he met the president.
The president of...?
Kettering. Kettering.
And, when we got to France,
I knew that,
just like all the other people
who followed him, I loved that boy.
And then he married Jenny.
OK, happy?
Yeah, I couldn't be happier.
Who's next?
It's Kerry Katona.
Kerry Godliman.
Godliman. Godliman.
It's Kerry Godliman.
Right, OK.
There was a girl that needed shoes
and got shoes.
Thanks, Kerry. Thank you. Bye-bye.
Bye.
APPLAUSE
I realise it's shallow now.
Not necessarily.
It's about shoes.
There might be a profound reason
as to why the girl wanted shoes.
Yeah.
She'd never had shoes
her whole life.
Because of money?
Money, yeah, yeah. And...
She needed shoes, so there's
your set-up, there's your opening,
that's your act one. Yeah.
And then what did I say?
She got them.
And got shoes. She got shoes.
It turned out well. Yes.
Happy ending.
She needed the shoes.
She got the shoes.
So, the middle section...
No-one had to die, no-one ate a kid!
And then she found money,
she found some money in the street
like Willy Wonka!
She found the coin.
And she went, I'm going to go to
Freeman, Hardy and Willis's...
And she deserved it because all
the other children who brought
those shoe coins to the shoe shop,
they didn't deserve them! Yeah!
One was spoiled! One was fat!
One of them got their foot trapped
in the measurer like that!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That'll teach them!
You've really run with that,
you've run with my story.
I'm sorry, Kerry, but plagiarism
is not cool. No, I... No.
LAUGHTER
So, there's one more left to see,
isn't there, Alex? That's right.
And last up to the starter's line,
it's the other Mr Gilbert.
How long's that?
Ten minutes.
And what?
Four seconds.
Count me.
Count you? Yeah, let's have seconds.
Ten seconds... Yeah.
..11... Yeah.
..12... Stop.
Can you not read it yourself?
No.
Do you want me to read it? Yeah.
Aah...
Exhaustive.
The man ran...
..for exactly ten minutes...
..12 seconds...
..losing.
Ten words.
Thank you, Rhod.
APPLAUSE
Some good counting.
I mean, it's a work of art.
In many ways.
There were many other entries.
"Once upon a time there was
an old woman who lived in a shoe."
That's 14 words and you gave up.
"Good King Wenceslas looked out
but no feast. What?"
And then you gave up.
And then you had,
"The Taskmaster fell
while trying to unzip his trousers."
That's another attempt.
Nightly occurrence.
Would have scored highly.
But, yeah, they were all abandoned
in favour of the ten minute 12 one.
I think, in their own way,
all of those stories were beautiful.
I want to hear the times and that's
how we'll award the points.
Let's party. Jess, 24 second story.
Phil Wang, a two minute 16 story.
We know Rhod of course,
a ten minute 12 story.
20 second story by James Acaster.
He leapt over the gate as well.
Kerry... Yes.
..much slower, 44 seconds.
So, it goes one point to Rhod,
two to Phil, three to Kerry,
four to Jess but five to
James Acaster who wins the trial!
APPLAUSE
I smell a scoreboard. Yes.
They all have six points.
So, there we go.
Yeah. Amazing.
APPLAUSE
Very good. Another.
OK, this is big news.
It's our first team task
of the series. Here we go.
Hi!
Ooh!
What's all this?
Welcome, Rhod. Thank you.
Is that what Phil Wang's wearing
for the whole series?
Phil, I mean,
I'm trying to keep eye contact.
I'm desperately trying not to look
at your genitals.
How are you? How are you?
I'm all right. How are you?
Have you looked at Wang's genitals?
Oh, you have now. You reckon?
No, I haven't looked at them,
I'm trying not to becau...
Why are you trying not to? Well,
because as soon as he approaches...
Maybe that's the task.
I think that might be the task.
Don't look at Wang's dick.
You can both pick a card, please.
Don't show me it,
or each other, yet.
OK, Kerry, can you show me your
card, please? Show you? Yes, please.
A five. OK. Jess?
A nine.
Right, that means you get this.
If you want to pop that on.
Shall I take your drink?
Oh, shoes!
You to have to... I've got to wear
the blindfold? Yes, please.
And you two get to sit on those
stools. Yes!
We get a seat!
You've got to be joking?
That's for you, Kerry. Right.
Paint the best picture of
this still life.
The painter must remain
blindfolded throughout. Ha-ha!
The other person may not move
from their chair
and may only say
the following words.
You have ten minutes.
Your time starts now.
OK, here is the still life.
OK.
That looks like you've emptied
the contents of your underpants
onto the table, Phil.
APPLAUSE
Interesting difference in the
greetings between the two teams.
A lovely hug from the ladies
and you exclusively talked about
Phil's dick.
Good.
I can honestly say, I've never been
so happy to put a blindfold on.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Let's all have a little rest.
See you in a few minutes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ah, hello!
Come in, sit down and shut up.
What were we doing before the break,
please, Alex?
OK, this is the first ever
boys versus girls team task.
Blindfolded painting using only
the official authorised words of
banana, down, left, less, more,
pick, right, up and whoops.
Here we go.
Guys...
..you could grab my hand and
literally make me paint it.
That's not against the rules.
Right. That is...
..banana!
Is this the still life? Whoops!
Whoops.
Banana to that last question. OK.
Only those words, please, Kerry.
Banana for yes.
Yes.
Banana.
LAUGHTER
Banana, eggs.
Banana. Melon.
Banana.
Say more when I've got
the right place. More.
OK, I'm drawing a pineapple.
LAUGHTER
Down.
Pick. Up.
Wait...
Banana, banana, banana!
Banana, banana, banana.
Banana! Banana, banana, banana,
banana, banana, banana.
More! Less.
More. Less.
More. Less.
Whoops, more, more.
Right?
Left. Left. Left.
Banana.
Melon time. Banana!
Right, banana. Banana.
Here?
Right.
Whoops. Whoops.
LAUGHTER
Whoops, right, banana. Left, banana.
Oh, you mean...
Like that? Left banana.
How's that? Banana.
Yes! Banana!
WHISTLE
More, more, more.
MUMBLING
WHISTLE
Banana.
Banana whoops.
Not bad. Not bad at all.
Not bad at all.
APPLAUSE
The females don't look happy.
I'm livid. That's cheating,
isn't it?
What? Holding the hands
and doing it on their behalf.
Didn't say on the card,
didn't say anything about it.
That was not the intention
of the task, was it, really?
I think you've got to think outside
the box with these things.
Very much so. Yeah.
Well, it's delicate, isn't it?
Because sometimes, ooh,
think outside the box.
Other times, cheating.
You want to see the picture? Yeah.
Oh. Wow.
Given they cheated,
I expected more. Yeah.
The duck's good, mind.
Yeah, the duck's good but the rest's
crap.
Here's the girls'.
Wow. It's good, isn't it?
Which one's the picture?
'You want to see them
next to each other?
You'll have to judge them.
This is the two of them.
I'm going to judge them as well.
It's up to you, Greg.
I think it's close but
one of the teams didn't cheat.
To be fair to the boys, look at
the texture in that melon. Yeah.
Look at the texture!
Look at the texture in our melon!
Yours looks like spiralized
courgette!
It does. All right, you've got to
score it.
There's normally five points to
split between the two teams. Yeah.
For me, the sheer detail
in that duck...
The sheer detail in that duck...
You love that duck. ..snatches it.
So I'm going to give the boys
three points and the ladies two.
Three to the boys, two to the girls!
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
Fine, thank you.
More, please, more.
Up more, less banana,
up less, banana, whoops!
Here we go.
Hi. Oh, hello.
Oh, my God!
Oh, what's happened?
I love these!
Foghorns!
SHE HONKS LIKE A HORN
It's the sound of a party.
Predict what Jessica Knappett...
Kerry Godliman...
Phil Wang...
Rhod Gilbert...
James Acaster will do with one
of the objects
and do something yourself with
one of the objects.
You also get five points
if Rhod Gilbert...
Phil Wang...
Kerry Godliman...
Jessica Knappett...
James Acaster correctly predicts
your own action.
What a good task.
Right...
APPLAUSE
Firstly, we should definitely
shine a light on your impression.
Thank you. Perhaps you'd like
to do it live.
SHE HONKS LIKE A HORN
LAUGHTER
Very good.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, the idea is you want to be
predictable, and good at predicting.
We're going to start with Rhod
and Jess making their prediction.
'I know what James Acaster's
going to do. That's easy.
'Acaster will take the tenner,
he's skint.
LAUGHTER
What do you think Kerry Godliman
will do with one of these things?
'I think she'll be like that.
"Can I have this?"
LAUGHTER
OK... "Free money, brilliant!"
That's what she'll do. OK.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
That was a terrible
impression, I'm so sorry.
I think her impression of the horn
is better then her impression of me.
I think so, too.
You don't think that you sound like
a drunk Phil Mitchell?
LAUGHTER
James, Rhod suggested that
you're struggling a bit financially.
I spent 500 quid
on fizzy belts.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Makes sense. Yeah?
Absolutely makes sense.
All right. Well, let's see
if they got it right.
I think you already knew
I was going to do this one.
And I would hope that Rhod would
also know that I'd do this.
Why are you doing it? Huh?
Why are you doing it?
Cos I'm punk!
AIR HORN SOUNDS QUIETLY
LAUGHTER
Do you have to wear these
for that?
And I think I'll just take
that tenner. OK.
APPLAUSE
See you later, then.
Thanks, Kerry. Bye. Bye.
APPLAUSE
Well done. So predictable.
Well done. Very predictable.
APPLAUSE
So, for that, Jess and Kerry both
get five points for that,
and Kerry gets £10.
You want to see the rest? Yep. Yeah?
OK, this is all the rest
doing all the rest. Here we go.
All I've got to do is get
in to Phil Wang's head.
Think about what he thinks of me.
I know he's a big fan.
Right.
Jess Knappett...
I mean, I think she'll just bite the
apple.
Although...
Surely everyone wants to do that?
Are you changing your answer? I
feel like I am. Because...
..surely everybody wants to do that.
I'm just going to do the noise
myself.
JESS IMITATES AIR HORN
BELL DINGS
Come on, Phil. Come to me.
Come to me, Phil.
Wang reckons I'm going to
blow the air horn.
I think Rhod Gilbert, being a proud
Welshman, is going to blow
an air horn at a picture of the
Queen while screaming.
Am I allowed to do it in your face?
If you want.
AIR HORN BLARES
BELL DINGS
Right, I reckon Phil...
..would do this.
There is an mischievousness to
him. Naughty boy? Naughty boy!
Sounds a bit seedy, doesn't it,
that?
Wang!
KLAXON SOUNDS
APPLAUSE
Kerry had a tough job predicting
that Phil would have done that.
Yeah, of course. Of
course she did. Yeah.
And you're the only person who
didn't understand
the importance of predictability.
Well, I presumed she knew I liked
saying my name from time to time.
How would I know that? Why would I
know that? Well, it's Wang, innit?
This is the...
And a boy's got to eat.
A naughty boy got to eat and say
Wang. Yeah.
I didn't see that coming.
I don't see why everyone's looking
at me like I'm the weird one, here.
LAUGHTER
What it means, they are actually all
get five points - except for Jess,
who gets 10, because
she is the only one
who predicted
and was predicted correctly.
Let's have a look at the scoreboard.
See the scoreboard? Yeah.
With those 10 points, obviously,
Jess has moved to 18 points
and taken the lead.
Wow. Wow.
APPLAUSE
JESS IMITATES AIR HORN
She's catchable, though.
What's next, please, Alex? OK,
it's time for round one...
Sorry, it's time for
Around One. Ready?
Hello, hello. Hello.
Bonjour. Hello, Rhod.
Hello, James.
LAUGHTER
"Draw the biggest and best circle."
"Biggest and best circle wins."
"Your circle must be completed
in one single sweep."
So I'm like a...you want me to be
an enormous human compass? Mmm, OK.
"You have 10 minutes. Your time
starts now."
Right. I'm going to go outside.
You're coming?
Could I have some chalk?
There's probably some in the shed.
OK.
You haven't got a roll of paper?
Wallpaper would be good,
wouldn't it?
No. No, no. Haven't got any of that.
Well, I'm restricted by the
limitations of what you've got.
Very much so.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I'd be interested to see if this is
the first and only time that
you get angry about having the
things that you do restricted
by the format of this show.
No, I think I get angry quite a
lot. Yeah, you do.
LAUGHTER
Let's see some stuff.
All right, we'll start with two
comedians who've already
shortened their names, but I've made
them even shorter - it's Phi and Je.
Phi and Je. Ready?
Would you mind if I mark straight
onto your drive?
I think this will be over
quite quickly.
OK.
Right. Shall I go? Good luck.
God, it's so much harder than
I thought it was going to be.
Here we go.
Oh, no!
Bit of slack, there.
Oh, sugar! Oh, come on, mate!
Mmm.
So it turns out some rocks are
better for drawing on
than other rocks.
LAUGHTER
That's a lovely straight line to
finish it with!
I've lost pretty much all the
colour.
How did that go so wrong?!
Ooh...
Big circle. Yeah.
Um, I think...
Where is it? It was here.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What happened, then, Jess?
My rope came loose,
and that's where the straight line
began and the circle ended. Yeah.
But what you did do is you chose a
writing implement that would
make an actual mark on...
I did, yeah.
I felt that was aimed at me.
KERRY: What did you use? It was a
marker pen.
It was a highlighter. It was a
highlighter.
Highlighter, sorry. It was a
highlighter.
I mean, the name highlighter
promises more than it delivers.
It was very unfortunate that you
cannot see my circle.
I tried to measure his. Jess's was
quite easy to measure,
because it had a length and breadth,
which is unusual for a circle.
And hers was 38.5 square metres.
Lovely.
Another part comes to an end,
meaning it's time to wade through
another slurry of miserable adverts.
But some belts will be won in part
four, so it's not all bad.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
It is part four.
What's been happening?
They've been drawing circles, Greg.
Well, they've been trying to draw
circles.
We've seen Jess's,
we couldn't see Phil's.
Next up, it's "James A Caster".
What does the A stand for? Nobody
knows.
It's like Michael J Fox or
Jesus H Christ. Ready?
LAUGHTER
Here's his attempt.
I know what I'm going to do.
You know what you're going to do?
I'm going to cycle round in circles
on the bike
was spinning this round my arm.
OK, well, you've got one go at
this. Good luck.
Yeah? Well, good luck to you.
This is how you sweep a circle. Are
you ready?
Yes.
LAUGHTER
JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS
You're still doing it. And look
where I landed. In a circle.
Near a circle.
How many circles have been
involved in this so far?
There's those wheels,
already circular.
This was going in circles round me,
that's a circle.
I landed in the circle.
It's not most circles. Huh?
It's biggest and best circle.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, but you add them
all up together.
You should add them all up.
I'll add them all up. And then
that's...that's the...
..that's the task.
That was the real task. OK.
Thanks, James.
I really enjoyed your circles.
Thank you, Alex. Goodbye.
APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Good evening.
LAUGHTER
OK. Explain yourself.
I thought... You thought,
"I've been told I should draw the
biggest circle, but what
"I'm going to do is ride around
aimlessly on a bike
"whilst badly spinning a hula hoop.
'LAUGHTER
"And then I'm going to crash,
accidentally notice there's another
"circle on the floor, and try and
claim that as part of my attempt."
That's my reading of what I saw.
Have you got anything different
to add?
My eyes are circles?
LAUGHTER
Do you want to see the last two?
Yes, of course! OK, here they are.
By far the oldest people I've ever
introduced,
from the current panel, it's Rhod
and Kerry.
Right. Is there a map of the world
here?
Do you want me to go and see if I
can find one? Yeah.
Get a map of the world. That'd be
one idea.
I'm limited by the size of this
table, aren't I?
I can only do it as big as what I've
been given to work with.
Do you want a bigger table? I want a
bigger piece of paper,
if I'm honest.
It's just the same thing!
HE GROANS WITH EFFORT
Jeez!
Now then, it's all got to be done in
one swoop, hasn't it? Sweep. Sweep.
Done.
Argh!
Hm. This isn't massive.
I wouldn't use the word "massive"
to describe this. Mm.
I mean, there's a massive surface,
white surface there,
but you didn't give me options.
LAUGHTER
I've just been given a pile of A4.
Oh!
I can go outside?
You do whatever you want, Kerry.
I could draw a massive circle in the
snow. What was this about?
This is a total waste of time!
Yes, six minutes. Right.
Right, this is the longest
thing I can find.
I've just realised I could just make
a bit of a bigger circle.
LAUGHTER
Do you want me to bring
your paper out?
I don't need the paper now, do I?
We've established that. OK. Ready?
Yes.
I'm over the moon with that!
APPLAUSE
No-one's going to beat that!
SHE LAUGHS
APPLAUSE
That is perfect!
CHEERING
I did a circle!
That is a good circle.
That is a good circle.
You've got to be pleased with that,
you being all smart-arsed
with your map!
Kerry's circle is just wonderful.
Yeah, but no-one else had snow to
play with. Exactly. It seems unfair.
Exactly, Greg. I can't get penalised
for the fact it was snowing. Yes!
You cheated!
LAUGHTER
Technically, Rhod's without question
the biggest, if we're kind.
It encompassed an area of 601,000
miles squared.
Not literally though, eh?
Well, I've looked at the key...
No, cos it's a crappy map!
If I said, "Oh, I just walked across
the West Indies..."
How, how, how dare you even speak!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I mean, fair play.
The balls of the man!
LAUGHTER
Start with the worst circle.
Well, unbelievably I've got to
give him a point.
I don't want to,
I'm absolutely furious.
James found a circle, and he
can have a point.
Phil did draw a circle. We couldn't
see it very well, sure.
But he did draw one,
he used a good technique.
Now, Jess used a good technique.
It went wrong,
but we could at least see it,
so I'm going to give her three
points. Three points to Jess.
I enjoyed Rhod's creativity... OK.
..in creating the biggest circle,
even though he didn't really, so I
give you four points. It's to scale.
And, without question, the most
beautifully drawn
and the best circle of all gets five
points, it was Kerry Godliman.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
OK. For only the second time this
series, please will you make
your way to the stage for the
final task of the show!
APPLAUSE
Alex, who's for reading the
task out? Phil Wang.
"Make the highest tower of cans
within your hoop.
"You have 100 seconds, during which
you must also be within your hoop.
"If you step out of your hoop during
the 100 seconds
"you will be disqualified.
"After the 100 seconds,
"you must step out of your hoop and
not touch your tower again.
"Highest self-supporting tower of
cans within your hoop,
"10 seconds after the final whistle,
wins."
OK. And remember, if you step out of
the hoop during the construction
of the tower you'll be disqualified.
Everyone ready?
100 seconds starts...
BLOWS WHISTLE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's quite a big tower.
Are you trying to reach them?
Be careful of this bit. Yeah.
Are you still in your hoop, Phil?
I've not stepped out of it.
Are you sure?
Do you think that's going to stay
after the 10 seconds?
LAUGHTER
Yes. 20 seconds left.
Oh, no! Problems there, problems
there. Yeah. We're down.
LAUGHTER
It's tight!
Four, three, two, one...
BLOW WHISTLE
Step out of your hoops!
Come out of your hoops!
AUDIENCE: Ooooooh!
Step out of your hoop, step out of
your hoop, step out of your hoop!
You've made mine fall!
Three, two, one...
WHISTLE
We have a winner.
APPLAUSE
Come down and let's see how that's
affected the final scores!
APPLAUSE
Please "cans" you talk me through
that last task, Alex?
That's really funny(!)
Really funny.
LAUGHTER
OK, so...
James had a very tall tower, until
it was relevant, and then...
LAUGHTER
..down it went, so he came last.
One point.
Jess's tumbled because...
I had Acaster after-shocks.
LAUGHTER
So, two points to Jess.
Three points to Phil, who managed to
stack three cans in 100 seconds!
But the two giants were
Rhod and Kerry,
and Kerry just pipped you,
she gets five points.
Lovely! OK.
APPLAUSE
Which means the leaderboard is
quite exciting reading.
There's a tie at the top,
the two ladies are tied on 23!
AUDIENCE: Oooooh!
We can't leave it like that, can we?
We've got a tie-break. Yep.
The tie-break is, what number do I
have written on my left forearm?
Closest answer wins. Seven. Seven.
Er... 1666.
LAUGHTER
Because of the fire? Jess, do you
really want to go with that?
Yeah! You've got a good chance of
winning an episode here, mate.
LAUGHTER
OK. We're going for seven...
1666 it is.
The exact number is... Oooh! 1...
Oooh! 5...
51 point...
It's 28.51!
'LAUGHTER
Which means Kerry Godliman
wins the episode! Oh!
APPLAUSE
My lucky number.
Kerry Godliman wins the second
episode in a row.
Please head up and belt up!
APPLAUSE
So, what have we learned today?
We've learned that Taskmaster is a
show of contrasts.
Ask Jessica Knappett to impersonate
an air horn
and she will delight you.
Ask James Acaster to draw a circle
and he'll make you want to smash
his face in.
LAUGHTER
And, once again, we've learned that
Kerry Godliman is the winner
of today's show.
Make your hands flat and then
connect them noisily
for good old Kerry Godliman!
Goodnight and goodbye!
APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media