Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 9 - Champion of Champions: Wiley Giraffe Blower - full transcript
The winners of the five previous series regroup in this two part special of Taskmaster.
FANFARE
Yay!
Yeah!
Argh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you. Hello, I'm Greg Davies
and this, ladies and gentlemen,
is Taskmaster Champion of Champions!
CHEERING
Five series, five trophies,
and five almighty champions
returning for your entertainment
and my judgment,
here to prove their worth in the
most conclusive way imaginable.
Yes, just one of them
will leave this arena crowned
the Taskmaster Champion of Champions
and walk away with the ultimate
prize in humanity...my actual body.
So, without further ado,
let's meet your past champions
and see how they've aged.
They are Bob Mortimer!
Josh Widdicombe!
Katherine Ryan!
Noel Fielding!
And Rob Beckett!
And here, snug as a bug,
so servile it's vile -
oh, who is it?
It's little Alex Horne!
Hello. Hello. This is exciting,
isn't it? Very excited.
Are you excited? I am, it's like
when you wake up
on the morning of Pancake Day,
you think, "What's gonna happen?
What am I gonna get?"
LAUGHTER
You're gonna get some pancakes.
Exactly, and I love pancakes,
so it's a good day.
And, also, you're thinking,
"How many pancakes?"
Two pancakes. Exactly the right
amount of pancakes.
Five series in,
this is our worst banter yet.
So, what have we got first?
Well,
as it's the Champion of Champions,
we thought we should do something a
little bit different.
But then we changed our mind and we
thought we'd keep it
exactly the same. Exactly the same.
We're very busy people.
So it's time for the Prize Task.
Each of our champion
contestants are not only
playing for the ultimate life trophy
but each episode will also
see them vie for one another's
personal possessions.
GREG WHISTLES
Today we've asked them
to bring in
the thing that genuinely
causes them the most embarrassment.
Wow. Whoever's thing you deem the
most cringe-worthy
will get the first five points of
the show and,
at the end of the episode,
the winner will take home
five monstrously embarrassing
things.
Champion number one,
Bob Mortimer, what have you got?
I've brought in a picture that
my son drew when he was about five
and it was featured in the
exhibition of his year's artwork,
and it was what
he drew that embarrassed me.
What did he draw?
He drew dog dirt.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Was it on display at the school?
Yes, it was their little
exhibition at the end of the year.
Were you genuinely embarrassed?
Not really.
Josh. This is genuinely the most
embarrassing experience of my life.
I have brought in a...DVD of...when
I made an ill-judged
appearance on
Andrew Neil's This Week In Politics.
Yes!
I've seen this!
I know...it's amazing!
So this is Josh Widdicombe.
Here we go.
What did you make of the report
this week that people
recruiting for top jobs prefer
people without regional accents?
I think... It doesn't surprise me.
Um, I don't obviously...
It's quite a sad situation.
I think...
I mean, I've not been in the job
market for some time.
I don't think...
I think...
It's not a surprise but I-I-I...
I mean, is that news?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
The next week, the guest on
This Week On Politics was one of my
friends, so he phoned me up
and said, "Have you got any tips?"
I said, "Well,
you should probably watch it."
And he phoned me back up
and was like, "Mate.
"It's the biggest car crash
I've ever seen."
And that man was Rob Beckett.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Katherine,
what is your embarrassing item?
I used to produce my little sisters
in a number of films for my school.
My sister starred in a film
about World War II
and the teacher got really
upset about it.
He was from Germany.
And my parents got called in and my
sister is not like me and this has
been a great source
of embarrassment for the whole
family for a number of years.
And what better way to make up
for it than put it on television?
Here it is.
Interview with Hitler.
Interview with...
SHE LAUGHS
Interview with Hitler.
Wow!
Did your parents really get
called in? Oh, yeah.
And it was not the only time.
I didn't understand, I could never,
when I was little,
understand why
I kept making people mad.
Cos I always just trying
to do my best.
I was like, "He'll love this video
about Hitler." She had facts.
She, uh, she did a great job.
I wish she could show it.
She kept getting the giggles so
I don't think it was that authentic.
Amazing. Right, Noel.
I feel embarrassed now,
thinking about this photograph
I'm about to show you.
It's basically a picture of me
on holiday in Florida with
my family and I think it's safe to
say this is before I found my look.
Here's Noel aged 14.
Oh, wow...
Do you know what my mum said? Cos I
had to get that photo from my mum.
I bet your mum loves that picture.
No, she said,
"Greg's gonna fucking murder you."
I think you're a lovely boy
and if I were a mother in the '80s
I'd be proud to have you as my son.
Rob.
I've brought a pair of silk pants...
..with elephants on. OK. Put them on
now, if you want.
I bought these on my honeymoon
at an airport
because I shit myself.
It was embarrassing shitting
yourself anyway
but the worst part is...cos my
wife's so lovely and so normal,
but I remember she went,
"What's going on?"
I went, "I've got go and buy some
pants." And she went, "Why?"
And I went, "Cos I've shit myself."
And then she went to me,
"Oh, not again."
OK, we've seen all five. OK.
Well, I'm sorry, I didn't Noel's
picture at all embarrassing.
My 15-year-old self would have
been jealous of Noel
so I'm putting him in last place.
OK.
Bob ruined the chance of getting any
higher by admitting he wasn't
at all embarrassed by the picture
of dog dirt that his son did.
If anything,
he was brimming with pride.
Next, I'm gonna put a man who did
an actual shit in his pants.
I'm putting Katherine in second,
purely because I am genuinely
embarrassed for her poor sister.
Being called into school
for being Hitler!
And, you know, even from
that small clip,
I am so embarrassed
for Josh Widdicombe.
He takes the five points.
Simple as that. Bam.
Now, what should we make them do
first of all for the ultimate
prize in history, Alex?
Well, we wanted to test their
ingenuity, intelligence and agility.
Also, their balance and eyesight
and hearing and blood pressure,
so here is the first task.
Whoo!
Either this is a bath-based task
or there's been an awful case
of fly-tipping from somewhere
over there.
Bit of a shit hole West London,
ain't it?
Thought it was supposed to be nice.
Good morning! Hello, Katherine.
Thanks for inviting me to your dojo.
Welcome to the gazebo.
It's a lovely place to be.
Ready? Yeah, are you?
No! Really nervous.
"Either throw an exercise
ball into the bath..."
"..or put all the coconuts
in the shopping trolley."
"You must throw the exercise ball
while under a roof
"and you may NOT, Alex,
move the bath."
"Must not touch any of the coconuts
with your hands
"and you may not move
the shopping trolley."
Where are the coconuts?
Where are the coconuts?
"The fastest wins."
And my time starts now.
Some lovely champion outfits
that you made yourselves there.
Very nice. Confident.
Evoking the spirit of 1966.
You all look lovely.
Except for Bob.
You've been doing
a bit of gardening, haven't you?
OK, do you want to start with the
glamour couple, Bob and Katherine?
Yes, please. OK.
Gotta be under a roof.
I can't touch them with my hands?
No, thank you.
Can I touch the medicine ball?
I can't move the shopping trolley
and I can't touch the coconuts
with my hands. Oh, so this...
And then I have to throw the
exercise ball from under a roof.
Any roof.
Bye.
Ah, hold on a minute.
Are these mutually exclusive?
So, I can move the shopping trolley.
So, the shopping trolley
is available
for use with medicine balls.
Was it one ball or all the balls?
Can you just read it again?
"Either throw AN exercise
ball into the bath..." OK.
So, I put the medicine
ball in the trolley
and take it to the bath,
throw it in. OK.
Well, I don't know, can I? "You must
throw the exercise ball..."
No, I wouldn't be under a roof then,
Alex, why are you doing that to me?
SHE SIGHS
No problem.
No!
Right. Let's go.
I only had to do one, yeah?
I've stopped the clock, Bob.
Under a roof.
Thank you, Katherine. I'm just sad
I didn't think of doing that sooner.
When you found out you only had to
get one ball in the bath,
you immediately got
rid of two of the balls
and took the one ball with you.
So presumably you were supremely
confident of nailing it first item.
One ball is easier than three,
so I'm always just trying to
get it done for you.
You're arguing your way
out an appraisal.
"But you've stolen the stock!"
"It's out the stock room."
Give me some times.
Bob took 8 minutes 32 seconds.
Katherine - 5 minutes 34 seconds.
Wow.
If only you hadn't hung around in
the bandstand
for no apparent reason, Bob.
Do you want to see Rob Beckett?
So much. OK, this is Rob's attempt.
See ya later.
APPLAUSE
Thank you, Rob.
What did Rob say as he walked away?
"See ya later, mate."
"See ya later, mate."
"See ya later."
He wanted a ball in a bath.
I think you walked off really cool,
I think you went round
the corner and went...
No, I think I just don't...
I don't think.
LAUGHTER
I just don't think.
I didn't even take the other ones
in case that didn't go in.
So I'm either an idiot or the most
arrogant man in the world.
Right. Strap yourselves in.
It's break time.
Welcome back to Taskmaster
Champion of Champions.
It's a special, special edition
of the show where five
successful comedians are humiliating
themselves in the hope
of taking home Bob Mortimer's
son's picture of dog poo.
What was going down
before the break, Alex?
Hello, Greg, you look terrific.
Just by the way.
Before the break
we witnessed a modern miracle.
Rob Beckett, a terrific man,
he casually lobbed a ball
into a bathtub from a distance.
At the moment, he's quicker than
both Bob and Katherine
but we're gonna look now at Noel
Fielding's attempt. Here we go.
"Fastest wins,
your time starts now."
Yeah?
Well done.
You looked so upset
when I got that in straight away,
like a little child who's spent
a year setting up a train track
in the loft and then their dad
just smashed it to pieces.
You two were the first people to do
it and it did make a mockery...
I thought if all five of you just
do that it doesn't look great...
..from my point of view.
Thank God some other people stepped
up and did a really shit job.
Josh is last, that means
one of two things on this show.
It's now time to see the inaugural
champion of Taskmaster.
Here we go,
Josh Widdicombe's attempt.
LAUGHTER
That's impossible.
He's mad...
So, this isn't touching it
with my hands.
Ah! Ah, oh!
Oh, God!
This is it.
Stop the clock. Well done, Josh.
Cheers, mate.
Be honest, was I quicker than Noel?
I'm sure... I think the standard
has improved
over the years with the champions.
I'm sure the estate
of Bobby Moore would be
so proud seeing you in that
outfit...
..carrying eight coconuts at a time
to a shopping trolley.
I've missed you.
Can you tell me some times now?
We know Bob took about 8 minutes,
Katherine took about 5 minutes.
Josh took about 6.5 seconds
per coconut.
There's 100 coconuts
so that's 11 minutes.
Not bad. It's
not as tragic as we thought. No.
So it's just these two,
Rob and Noel.
Both took under 2 minutes.
HE WHISTLES
Rob Beckett took 1 minute
and 52 seconds.
Oh. Long chat we had. Noel Fielding
took 1 minute... Oh...!
..and 29 seconds.
OK, Alex, please can
we have the first scoreboard
update of this two-part special?
Of course we can. It's close.
We're got two point join first,
two people joint third,
and Bob's in last place.
There we go.
OK, another one. Is it good? Is it?
Yes, it is. It is good.
Here it is.
Mate. Hello, Rob. You good?
Oh, I think so.
Hiya!
How are you, good?
Much better, thank you.
Has it all cleared up? Nearly.
Hello, Josh. Hello, Alex.
OK.
"Blow something substantial
off this table."
"Most substantial thing
blown off this table wins."
I'm asthmatic.
So this is...health and safety.
"You have five minutes to select
the item you think you can
"blow off the table
and place it on the centre circle,
"then one minute to blow
it off the table."
"Your time starts now."
So, it's gotta be
blown off from here. You OK, Bob?
HE LAUGHS
You're like my angel. "You OK, Bob?"
I think there's gonna be
a lot of debate about
what constitutes substantial.
Let's see someone blowing
something off a table.
OK, we can watch the two oldest
men in the show, Noel and Bob.
Has it gotta be from this room?
Does it say it has to
be from this room? No.
I'm allowed to experiment,
I assume. Mm-hm.
Just to get to grips with much
a human can blow.
Whoa!
Just do a quick test.
Almost.
Five minutes?
HE LAUGHS
What about this guy?
He's quite light, actually.
LAUGHING: It doesn't move.
Oh, God.
WD40. Never lets an old man down.
Come on.
Worries me.
LAUGHING: It's not very substantial.
OK, I'm ready to go.
OK.
You've got a minute to blow
that off the table. I'll do it easy.
Your minute starts...
WHISTLE PEEPS
30 seconds left, Bob.
Hey!
Straight into debate on substantial.
I know that
when the SAS are training
out in the wilderness
for several days,
they take water purification tablets
and a few bags of Cheetos.
What's more worrying is
I tried to blow a plastic
giraffe off the table.
I don't know,
is that uncharacteristic?
LAUGHTER
Now, can of lager -
quite substantial.
Put that in a sock and hit someone
with it, it's gonna hurt.
Good point. A, B,
alcohol ruins lives.
I just thought of substantial as
weight. That's all I was thinking.
A can of lager's about 360g.
The Cheetos Puffs -
they're called Puffs
- a puff is a breath of wind,
so he blew off some wind.
It's quite poetic. 13g.
Hold your breath,
it's the end of part two.
But, don't worry,
there's a third part coming
right after two minutes of nonsense.
Welcome back to Taskmaster Champion
of Champions part three.
Where are we, Alex? Well, we're in
the middle of an intense blow task.
They were trying to blow
something substantial off the table.
Tough job.
Do you want to move
on to the champion of series 3? Yes.
Rob Beckett. Yes.
OK, this is his attempt.
I'm gonna place my contact lenses
there and I'm gonna blow them
off the table
and I won't be able to see.
"Substantial." Not much more
substantial
than the old eyeballs, is there?
If I blow 'em onto that
I could just give 'em a quick rinse
and bang 'em back in.
Here we go. I'll remove...
..contact lens. There's one.
You watching, Alex? No.
My eyesight going.
LAUGHTER
Oh!
Blown off, innit?
They're both off the table.
Can't see 'em.
Oh, there's one. Ah!
Oh, he's not in a good way.
Looks like a poppadum.
Looks like the poppadum's
that curl up.
That's not gonna go in my eye
again, is it? Try it. Try it?
Well, well done, Rob.
No worries. Thanks, Alex.
Thank you. Oh, there.
Look out.
That is substance.
I never expected someone
to semi-blind themselves
on this show.
Worrying part is I drove home.
You were trying to evoke
King Lear, I imagine.
No idea what you're talking about.
That scene
when Gloucester gets blinded.
PJ and Duncan's
me only blind reference.
"I'm blind!" Yeah, paintballing.
Blinding references.
Some valiant attempts so far.
Last up it's Katherine
and Josh, together.
GREG WHISTLES
Mm-hm.
OK, I'll be back.
Oh, God.
I mean, what... So...
I'm gonna make a sail,
like you would in a sail ship.
Got your milk?
Oh, no!
Shit.
This won't blow. Why not?
Just see if this rolls, otherwise
I'm gonna pour that milk out.
That is making wind, though.
OK. Oh, shit.
I'm gonna go with that.
Oh, check that. Wait.
Josh, you got one minute to blow
something substantial
off the table, starting now.
LAUGHTER
No, it's not working!
I'm starting the clock now,
good luck. Go.
Yeah, that makes more wind.
Come on!
Oh, my God!
Lovely blowing action,
no doubt about it,
but were they substantial?
Well, meaning of substantial
is something of
importance, size or worth.
No mention of weight
but mention of size.
It's something of importance,
being able to see, isn't it?
I forgot to tell you, my grandfather
gave me those cheese puffs.
I tell you now, I'm gonna put Rob
in first place cos I think that not
being able to see properly, and
compromising that, is substantial.
The others we'll have to do by size.
OK.
Before we do that, there was one
extra little clip of Josh.
You wanna see it? Yes, please.
Oh, no! It was just a little clip
for you that I thought you'd like.
OK. Just a nice little shot of him.
Oh, no.
Was that your idea?
Yes, did you like it?
Well, I didn't ask for...
Why did you have that put together?
Yeah, what's wrong with you?
I thought it was a nice... I know.
But that is nothing to do
with the show.
It's nothing to do with the tasks
these people have been set.
And you commissioned that
and I want to know why you
thought that was funny.
Cos of the angles... Yeah.
..when you looked at it, the, um...
LAUGHTER
GREG LAUGHS
I don't wanna say it. I know.
But, the thing is, I know you're
genuinely uncomfortable.
What did it look like? The leaf
blower looked like it was...
Can I use the word that we use?
Yeah, use our word.
It looked like Josh's nub. Nub.
LAUGHTER
OK, so you're putting Rob in first
place, I gather.
Yeah, without question.
Then do you wanna do it on weight
and size? I wanna do it on size.
Is an umbrella
bigger than an air ball?
Yeah. Let's say the air ball and the
umbrella are about the same size.
You could say that
but it wouldn't be true.
Right, I'm gonna put them in joint,
whatever, second place. No.
Greg, one last thing.
I used Cheetos as contact lenses.
You wily giraffe blower.
Obviously, Noel's in last place.
And then we got
Bob Mortimer in second last place.
That's the end of the task,
so Rob Beckett wins it! Bang!
Onwards, please. Make it something
spectacular, Alex. Absolutely.
This next task is nothing
short of miraculous.
Um...
Ow!
SHE GASPS
Thank you.
Is this a kidnapping?
"Perform a miracle."
"Most miraculous wins. You have one
hour. Your time starts now."
"Perform a miracle?"
Well, that's easy enough, innit?
What are the miracles?
Walking on water.
Making someone not blind.
Walking on water would be
a good one, wouldn't it?
How would you do that?
What, are you doubting me?
Childbirth?
It's a miracle. You got one hour.
I can do that.
That's not a miracle.
Can you do it?
Uh...I'm panicking, I'm panicking.
Oh, hello.
Papa's got two out the bag.
What are those lizards that
can walk on water?
Do you know the ones I mean?
They're called
Jesus Christ lizards, I think.
Like, "You what? You got all that
shopping in the boot?
"That's a miracle!"
If I could get a lizard costume.
Try and run across
a child's paddling pool.
Thank you, Katherine.
Let's just repeat the definition of
miracle that we're gonna go with.
OK, so, something remarkable,
amazing. Something amazing.
Something you can't explain.
Something you can't explain.
I like that. OK.
So, let's say that's
one of the things. OK.
And it has beneficial side effects
for other people. Ah, OK.
OK? So positive for other people
and can't be explained.
Mm. Right. OK. We can start with
Noel, if you want.
Obviously you heard him say
he was just going to
get a lizard costume and run across
a paddling pool.
Do you want to see what he
actually did? Yes, please.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Two miracles. Not often quoted that
before Christ turned water into wine
he ran across a clearly visible
table...
..dressed as a lizard.
Who's next?
We're going to see Rob Beckett next.
Here's his miracle.
Oh, wicked. Thanks, mate.
20 minutes? You're a miracle worker.
Brilliant. I'll see you in a bit.
Bye.
Sorted.
100 pizzas.
100 pizzas, one phone call.
Modern miracle.
How's that, eh?
Pretty good. Better than a loaf of
bread, innit, and a fish?
APPLAUSE
It's not often you see a man dissing
Christ surrounded by pizzas.
Can't explain it.
Just cos you ordered 100 pizzas,
the takeaway system is not
miraculous, is it?
I can just pick up a phone,
ring up a geezer down the road and
he made me 100 pizzas
and bring it over?
That's a miracle.
Let's have a look at Katherine.
Katherine's one? Yeah.
OK, here we go.
I'm going to get a plumber here in a
very short time.
Miracle if I can pull that off.
PHONE DIALS
Hello. Please send me a plumber
as soon as possible.
Miracle number two.
I can get this wine into this cup
with the cup upside down.
Ha-ha! The miracle is performed.
Ta-da!
Classic miracle, this is water.
Wine.
Put them together like this.
Ta-dah!
I have doubled the wine. All the
villagers can now drink it. Miracle.
I'm going to perform the miracle of
giving a random person £100.
PHONE DIALS
Hello? Hi! This is Katherine.
You win.
Win what? Well, the Taskmaster,
Lord Greg Davies himself,
is giving a way, by a miracle, £100.
We're going to give it to you.
Oh, my God.
Would you say that this is a
miracle?
It is a miracle. It is a miracle!
Oh!
My plumber is here. Thank you for
coming on such short notice.
I can't believe a plumber has
arrived after only 28 minutes
of a phone call. That's a miracle!
You see how I am for you?
Knocking out miracles.
You give me an hour,
I'll be like, wow...
Yeah, we only asked for A miracle.
You smashed out four. Yep.
How much did that plumber cost you?
I did not pay him.
LAUGHTER
Miracle.
Well, you really did well. And you
reminded people that I'm a Lord.
Mm-hmm. It's all looking really good
for you, Katherine.
Thank you.
Right, still some miracles to see.
Witness them soon, in part four.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Taskmaster -
Champion Of Champions,
where there was a thing going on.
Well, you're so mysterious and
strong, Greg.
Yes, our contestants have been
trying to perform miracles
because it's a special show.
We've seen Rob order pizza,
Katherine call a plumber,
and Noel dress up as a lizard.
Next up, it's one of Devon's
top 30 comedians.
Josh Widdicombe!
Right.
Oh, this is my worst nightmare.
Have we got any matches?
Hi, Josh.
Do you want to come closer?
I'll just confirm that
they're real matches.
They are. I just got them from the
kitchen. Yes. I can confirm these
are genuine matches.
OK. I'll just
lean that on there.
LAUGHTER
I don't know who you're doing it.
It's a miracle. Is it?
Not just one, mate. Big one
coming. Whoa! You asked for
a miracle.
Within 10 minutes all I do is go
and get a box of matches.
No camera trickery.
This is street magic.
Street miracle. Street miracles.
This is street miracles.
That was a big one. Show them
they're real.
See you later.
APPLAUSE
That's great. I don't know how you
did it. It was a miracle. Yes.
Let's see Bob's. OK.
It's the last miracle.
Here we go. Bob Mortimer.
Presenting a tiny miracle that
I hope will rid this
world of the underground
people at last.
Here goes. Ping-Pong ball.
LAUGHTER
At last we are free to
skateboard without causing a rumpus.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I mean, really weird.
Really frightening.
And at the moment a miracle cos
I don't understand any of it.
I found that mysterious
and intriguing. I enjoyed it. Good.
So... I'll make some judgments. OK,
then. Here we go. Ready?
In last place, it's not miraculous
to order a takeaway.
Rob. Yeah, but 100.
Yes... Fair enough. No. No.
In joint second.
It's like a paper width separating a
man who dresses as a lizard and runs
across a paddling pool, and a man
who sticks a Ping-Pong ball to
his head.
So in joint second place
it's Noel and Bob.
In joint first place,
because Katherine gave us numerous
miracles, and Josh genuinely did
something that I can't explain,
they will get five points each.
There we go. The winners are
Katherine and Josh.
And what's that done to the scores?
We'll we've got an
outright leader now.
With 16 points Katherine is
now in the lead.
Whoa!
APPLAUSE
Just one thing left, then.
Will you all please head to the
stage for the final
task of the Champion Of Champions
first show?
CHEERING
Alex? Mm hm? I think we should get
Bob to read the task out. OK,
Bob, there's one for you.
Thank you. Pleasure. There's a lot
of information here, Bob.
"Write down a word beginning with
T every time Alex blows his
whistle.
"The person with the second longest
word takes a step down.
"Whoever writes down the longest
word misses a turn.
"If you write down one of Alex's
special words you advance
"an extra step.
First to reach the floor wins."
So just to clarify, you are all
going to write a word beginning
with T every time
I blow my whistle.
The second longest word, you
take a step forward.
If you write the longest word you
miss a go next time. OK.
This is a fucking dyslexic's
nightmare.
LAUGHTER
Ready?
WHISTLE
Thank you. My pen's rubbish.
These pens.
Why do you get a really big nib
and a really small board rubber?
I'm not sure that the contestants
are fully behind you with this task.
Not yet. Rob, what have you written?
Tails. Five.
OK. Currently in first and last
place. Yes. Oh! Noel? I think I've
spelt this wrong. Tragically. Ten.
That's fine. At the moment
you're in second place, Rob. Am I?
Katherine, what have you written?
Tagliatelle.
At the moment Noel has got
the second longest word.
So where am I?
You are now out of the game. Yes!
Josh, what have you written.
Thermos. Seven. That's a
sensible word.
Thank you. Trampolines.
Trampoline. 11.
Which means the second longest
word in that round is Noel Fielding.
Take a step forward.
One step. One step.
This doesn't rub out.
LAUGHTER
It says "water resistant
permanent marker."
What I love about this is you're
all laughing
but someone's going to lose their
fucking job!
So Noel wrote down the second
longest word. He has advanced.
Bob, and Katherine,
you wrote down the longest word
so you are out of the next round.
Oh. It's just us three.
Only three of you in it.
Write down your word.
WHISTLE
Second longest word again.
I get the game now.
You understand it. Rob, what have
you written? Telegraph. Nine. Strong
opener.
Very strong. Noel?
Toblerone. Nine.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
You are not going to
believe...
LAUGHTER
Toblerone.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Wow! What does that mean?
That means no-one has written
the second longest word.
But the Toblerone writers do advance
because I also have Toblerone.
How many do we advance?
One step. Nice.
Unfortunately for you three,
you all wrote the longest word
so you're all out of the next round.
It's just Katherine and Bob.
I'm having an absolute stinker here.
WHISTLE
Who has written the second longest
word out of two people?
I don't know, mate.
Katherine, what have you written?
I've written to. For two.
Bob has also written to.
So we both get to go? You're both
out. You three are up again.
WHISTLE
Another word, please for Katherine
and Bob.
OK, Rob, what have you written?
Toilet. For six. Lovely. Noel?
Triangle. Toilet is the second
longest word until Josh writes...?
Topic. Whoo!
So Rob? You have won, Rob.
I go down?
Noel, you are out of the next one.
OK, so I sit down to indicate that?
If you would. Thank you.
WHISTLE
Write down a word. Thank you.
OK. OK, Rob, what have you written?
Time. For four? Yes.
Katherine? Tobacco for seven.
Triangles for nine.
Tussle for six. Which means second
longest word is Katherine
and we're carrying on. Lovely.
Josh was the longest word, Noel
is still one step away from victory.
WHISTLE
Keep writing those words.
And keep looking at Noel's first,
Rob. Ready? He's cheating.
You're winning. Rob? Tonne. Five.
Forget that seven I've just crossed
out. Noel? Toggle.
That's all right. What was that?
Toggle for six. Six. That's
convenient.
You had seven. I would have been
in first place. But you cheated.
Depends on what Katherine has
written. Katherine?
Katherine's written tougher, for
seven. Trumpet for seven.
Which means, Noel, with a six is the
second longest word, he can advance.
APPLAUSE
Come on down and let's see how
that's affected the final scores.
How did you feel that went?
It was very exciting and really
easy to understand. What?
Noel gets five points for
winning the task,
These three get four for coming
second, and Bob just one for coming
last.
Aw! That's unfair. It's all
unfair.
So I've totted up all the scores
now. Yes.
Do you want to know the final scores
of the first part of the specials?
Heavens above, yes.
Well, here we go.
With 20 points, tonight's winner
is...
..Katherine Ryan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Katherine, is the winner of the
first show.
Katherine, please head up to the
stage to collect
all your mortifying
bits and pieces. Thank you.
Well, that is a very good start for
Katherine.
What have we learned today?
We have learned if you want to be
a champion, mentally scar
your siblings by dressing them up
as murderous dictators.
But, let's never forget,
the winner of the first
episode of the Taskmaster Champion
Of Champions is Katherine Ryan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, you wonderful peasants.
We'll see you next time.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
Yay!
Yeah!
Argh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you. Hello, I'm Greg Davies
and this, ladies and gentlemen,
is Taskmaster Champion of Champions!
CHEERING
Five series, five trophies,
and five almighty champions
returning for your entertainment
and my judgment,
here to prove their worth in the
most conclusive way imaginable.
Yes, just one of them
will leave this arena crowned
the Taskmaster Champion of Champions
and walk away with the ultimate
prize in humanity...my actual body.
So, without further ado,
let's meet your past champions
and see how they've aged.
They are Bob Mortimer!
Josh Widdicombe!
Katherine Ryan!
Noel Fielding!
And Rob Beckett!
And here, snug as a bug,
so servile it's vile -
oh, who is it?
It's little Alex Horne!
Hello. Hello. This is exciting,
isn't it? Very excited.
Are you excited? I am, it's like
when you wake up
on the morning of Pancake Day,
you think, "What's gonna happen?
What am I gonna get?"
LAUGHTER
You're gonna get some pancakes.
Exactly, and I love pancakes,
so it's a good day.
And, also, you're thinking,
"How many pancakes?"
Two pancakes. Exactly the right
amount of pancakes.
Five series in,
this is our worst banter yet.
So, what have we got first?
Well,
as it's the Champion of Champions,
we thought we should do something a
little bit different.
But then we changed our mind and we
thought we'd keep it
exactly the same. Exactly the same.
We're very busy people.
So it's time for the Prize Task.
Each of our champion
contestants are not only
playing for the ultimate life trophy
but each episode will also
see them vie for one another's
personal possessions.
GREG WHISTLES
Today we've asked them
to bring in
the thing that genuinely
causes them the most embarrassment.
Wow. Whoever's thing you deem the
most cringe-worthy
will get the first five points of
the show and,
at the end of the episode,
the winner will take home
five monstrously embarrassing
things.
Champion number one,
Bob Mortimer, what have you got?
I've brought in a picture that
my son drew when he was about five
and it was featured in the
exhibition of his year's artwork,
and it was what
he drew that embarrassed me.
What did he draw?
He drew dog dirt.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Was it on display at the school?
Yes, it was their little
exhibition at the end of the year.
Were you genuinely embarrassed?
Not really.
Josh. This is genuinely the most
embarrassing experience of my life.
I have brought in a...DVD of...when
I made an ill-judged
appearance on
Andrew Neil's This Week In Politics.
Yes!
I've seen this!
I know...it's amazing!
So this is Josh Widdicombe.
Here we go.
What did you make of the report
this week that people
recruiting for top jobs prefer
people without regional accents?
I think... It doesn't surprise me.
Um, I don't obviously...
It's quite a sad situation.
I think...
I mean, I've not been in the job
market for some time.
I don't think...
I think...
It's not a surprise but I-I-I...
I mean, is that news?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
The next week, the guest on
This Week On Politics was one of my
friends, so he phoned me up
and said, "Have you got any tips?"
I said, "Well,
you should probably watch it."
And he phoned me back up
and was like, "Mate.
"It's the biggest car crash
I've ever seen."
And that man was Rob Beckett.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Katherine,
what is your embarrassing item?
I used to produce my little sisters
in a number of films for my school.
My sister starred in a film
about World War II
and the teacher got really
upset about it.
He was from Germany.
And my parents got called in and my
sister is not like me and this has
been a great source
of embarrassment for the whole
family for a number of years.
And what better way to make up
for it than put it on television?
Here it is.
Interview with Hitler.
Interview with...
SHE LAUGHS
Interview with Hitler.
Wow!
Did your parents really get
called in? Oh, yeah.
And it was not the only time.
I didn't understand, I could never,
when I was little,
understand why
I kept making people mad.
Cos I always just trying
to do my best.
I was like, "He'll love this video
about Hitler." She had facts.
She, uh, she did a great job.
I wish she could show it.
She kept getting the giggles so
I don't think it was that authentic.
Amazing. Right, Noel.
I feel embarrassed now,
thinking about this photograph
I'm about to show you.
It's basically a picture of me
on holiday in Florida with
my family and I think it's safe to
say this is before I found my look.
Here's Noel aged 14.
Oh, wow...
Do you know what my mum said? Cos I
had to get that photo from my mum.
I bet your mum loves that picture.
No, she said,
"Greg's gonna fucking murder you."
I think you're a lovely boy
and if I were a mother in the '80s
I'd be proud to have you as my son.
Rob.
I've brought a pair of silk pants...
..with elephants on. OK. Put them on
now, if you want.
I bought these on my honeymoon
at an airport
because I shit myself.
It was embarrassing shitting
yourself anyway
but the worst part is...cos my
wife's so lovely and so normal,
but I remember she went,
"What's going on?"
I went, "I've got go and buy some
pants." And she went, "Why?"
And I went, "Cos I've shit myself."
And then she went to me,
"Oh, not again."
OK, we've seen all five. OK.
Well, I'm sorry, I didn't Noel's
picture at all embarrassing.
My 15-year-old self would have
been jealous of Noel
so I'm putting him in last place.
OK.
Bob ruined the chance of getting any
higher by admitting he wasn't
at all embarrassed by the picture
of dog dirt that his son did.
If anything,
he was brimming with pride.
Next, I'm gonna put a man who did
an actual shit in his pants.
I'm putting Katherine in second,
purely because I am genuinely
embarrassed for her poor sister.
Being called into school
for being Hitler!
And, you know, even from
that small clip,
I am so embarrassed
for Josh Widdicombe.
He takes the five points.
Simple as that. Bam.
Now, what should we make them do
first of all for the ultimate
prize in history, Alex?
Well, we wanted to test their
ingenuity, intelligence and agility.
Also, their balance and eyesight
and hearing and blood pressure,
so here is the first task.
Whoo!
Either this is a bath-based task
or there's been an awful case
of fly-tipping from somewhere
over there.
Bit of a shit hole West London,
ain't it?
Thought it was supposed to be nice.
Good morning! Hello, Katherine.
Thanks for inviting me to your dojo.
Welcome to the gazebo.
It's a lovely place to be.
Ready? Yeah, are you?
No! Really nervous.
"Either throw an exercise
ball into the bath..."
"..or put all the coconuts
in the shopping trolley."
"You must throw the exercise ball
while under a roof
"and you may NOT, Alex,
move the bath."
"Must not touch any of the coconuts
with your hands
"and you may not move
the shopping trolley."
Where are the coconuts?
Where are the coconuts?
"The fastest wins."
And my time starts now.
Some lovely champion outfits
that you made yourselves there.
Very nice. Confident.
Evoking the spirit of 1966.
You all look lovely.
Except for Bob.
You've been doing
a bit of gardening, haven't you?
OK, do you want to start with the
glamour couple, Bob and Katherine?
Yes, please. OK.
Gotta be under a roof.
I can't touch them with my hands?
No, thank you.
Can I touch the medicine ball?
I can't move the shopping trolley
and I can't touch the coconuts
with my hands. Oh, so this...
And then I have to throw the
exercise ball from under a roof.
Any roof.
Bye.
Ah, hold on a minute.
Are these mutually exclusive?
So, I can move the shopping trolley.
So, the shopping trolley
is available
for use with medicine balls.
Was it one ball or all the balls?
Can you just read it again?
"Either throw AN exercise
ball into the bath..." OK.
So, I put the medicine
ball in the trolley
and take it to the bath,
throw it in. OK.
Well, I don't know, can I? "You must
throw the exercise ball..."
No, I wouldn't be under a roof then,
Alex, why are you doing that to me?
SHE SIGHS
No problem.
No!
Right. Let's go.
I only had to do one, yeah?
I've stopped the clock, Bob.
Under a roof.
Thank you, Katherine. I'm just sad
I didn't think of doing that sooner.
When you found out you only had to
get one ball in the bath,
you immediately got
rid of two of the balls
and took the one ball with you.
So presumably you were supremely
confident of nailing it first item.
One ball is easier than three,
so I'm always just trying to
get it done for you.
You're arguing your way
out an appraisal.
"But you've stolen the stock!"
"It's out the stock room."
Give me some times.
Bob took 8 minutes 32 seconds.
Katherine - 5 minutes 34 seconds.
Wow.
If only you hadn't hung around in
the bandstand
for no apparent reason, Bob.
Do you want to see Rob Beckett?
So much. OK, this is Rob's attempt.
See ya later.
APPLAUSE
Thank you, Rob.
What did Rob say as he walked away?
"See ya later, mate."
"See ya later, mate."
"See ya later."
He wanted a ball in a bath.
I think you walked off really cool,
I think you went round
the corner and went...
No, I think I just don't...
I don't think.
LAUGHTER
I just don't think.
I didn't even take the other ones
in case that didn't go in.
So I'm either an idiot or the most
arrogant man in the world.
Right. Strap yourselves in.
It's break time.
Welcome back to Taskmaster
Champion of Champions.
It's a special, special edition
of the show where five
successful comedians are humiliating
themselves in the hope
of taking home Bob Mortimer's
son's picture of dog poo.
What was going down
before the break, Alex?
Hello, Greg, you look terrific.
Just by the way.
Before the break
we witnessed a modern miracle.
Rob Beckett, a terrific man,
he casually lobbed a ball
into a bathtub from a distance.
At the moment, he's quicker than
both Bob and Katherine
but we're gonna look now at Noel
Fielding's attempt. Here we go.
"Fastest wins,
your time starts now."
Yeah?
Well done.
You looked so upset
when I got that in straight away,
like a little child who's spent
a year setting up a train track
in the loft and then their dad
just smashed it to pieces.
You two were the first people to do
it and it did make a mockery...
I thought if all five of you just
do that it doesn't look great...
..from my point of view.
Thank God some other people stepped
up and did a really shit job.
Josh is last, that means
one of two things on this show.
It's now time to see the inaugural
champion of Taskmaster.
Here we go,
Josh Widdicombe's attempt.
LAUGHTER
That's impossible.
He's mad...
So, this isn't touching it
with my hands.
Ah! Ah, oh!
Oh, God!
This is it.
Stop the clock. Well done, Josh.
Cheers, mate.
Be honest, was I quicker than Noel?
I'm sure... I think the standard
has improved
over the years with the champions.
I'm sure the estate
of Bobby Moore would be
so proud seeing you in that
outfit...
..carrying eight coconuts at a time
to a shopping trolley.
I've missed you.
Can you tell me some times now?
We know Bob took about 8 minutes,
Katherine took about 5 minutes.
Josh took about 6.5 seconds
per coconut.
There's 100 coconuts
so that's 11 minutes.
Not bad. It's
not as tragic as we thought. No.
So it's just these two,
Rob and Noel.
Both took under 2 minutes.
HE WHISTLES
Rob Beckett took 1 minute
and 52 seconds.
Oh. Long chat we had. Noel Fielding
took 1 minute... Oh...!
..and 29 seconds.
OK, Alex, please can
we have the first scoreboard
update of this two-part special?
Of course we can. It's close.
We're got two point join first,
two people joint third,
and Bob's in last place.
There we go.
OK, another one. Is it good? Is it?
Yes, it is. It is good.
Here it is.
Mate. Hello, Rob. You good?
Oh, I think so.
Hiya!
How are you, good?
Much better, thank you.
Has it all cleared up? Nearly.
Hello, Josh. Hello, Alex.
OK.
"Blow something substantial
off this table."
"Most substantial thing
blown off this table wins."
I'm asthmatic.
So this is...health and safety.
"You have five minutes to select
the item you think you can
"blow off the table
and place it on the centre circle,
"then one minute to blow
it off the table."
"Your time starts now."
So, it's gotta be
blown off from here. You OK, Bob?
HE LAUGHS
You're like my angel. "You OK, Bob?"
I think there's gonna be
a lot of debate about
what constitutes substantial.
Let's see someone blowing
something off a table.
OK, we can watch the two oldest
men in the show, Noel and Bob.
Has it gotta be from this room?
Does it say it has to
be from this room? No.
I'm allowed to experiment,
I assume. Mm-hm.
Just to get to grips with much
a human can blow.
Whoa!
Just do a quick test.
Almost.
Five minutes?
HE LAUGHS
What about this guy?
He's quite light, actually.
LAUGHING: It doesn't move.
Oh, God.
WD40. Never lets an old man down.
Come on.
Worries me.
LAUGHING: It's not very substantial.
OK, I'm ready to go.
OK.
You've got a minute to blow
that off the table. I'll do it easy.
Your minute starts...
WHISTLE PEEPS
30 seconds left, Bob.
Hey!
Straight into debate on substantial.
I know that
when the SAS are training
out in the wilderness
for several days,
they take water purification tablets
and a few bags of Cheetos.
What's more worrying is
I tried to blow a plastic
giraffe off the table.
I don't know,
is that uncharacteristic?
LAUGHTER
Now, can of lager -
quite substantial.
Put that in a sock and hit someone
with it, it's gonna hurt.
Good point. A, B,
alcohol ruins lives.
I just thought of substantial as
weight. That's all I was thinking.
A can of lager's about 360g.
The Cheetos Puffs -
they're called Puffs
- a puff is a breath of wind,
so he blew off some wind.
It's quite poetic. 13g.
Hold your breath,
it's the end of part two.
But, don't worry,
there's a third part coming
right after two minutes of nonsense.
Welcome back to Taskmaster Champion
of Champions part three.
Where are we, Alex? Well, we're in
the middle of an intense blow task.
They were trying to blow
something substantial off the table.
Tough job.
Do you want to move
on to the champion of series 3? Yes.
Rob Beckett. Yes.
OK, this is his attempt.
I'm gonna place my contact lenses
there and I'm gonna blow them
off the table
and I won't be able to see.
"Substantial." Not much more
substantial
than the old eyeballs, is there?
If I blow 'em onto that
I could just give 'em a quick rinse
and bang 'em back in.
Here we go. I'll remove...
..contact lens. There's one.
You watching, Alex? No.
My eyesight going.
LAUGHTER
Oh!
Blown off, innit?
They're both off the table.
Can't see 'em.
Oh, there's one. Ah!
Oh, he's not in a good way.
Looks like a poppadum.
Looks like the poppadum's
that curl up.
That's not gonna go in my eye
again, is it? Try it. Try it?
Well, well done, Rob.
No worries. Thanks, Alex.
Thank you. Oh, there.
Look out.
That is substance.
I never expected someone
to semi-blind themselves
on this show.
Worrying part is I drove home.
You were trying to evoke
King Lear, I imagine.
No idea what you're talking about.
That scene
when Gloucester gets blinded.
PJ and Duncan's
me only blind reference.
"I'm blind!" Yeah, paintballing.
Blinding references.
Some valiant attempts so far.
Last up it's Katherine
and Josh, together.
GREG WHISTLES
Mm-hm.
OK, I'll be back.
Oh, God.
I mean, what... So...
I'm gonna make a sail,
like you would in a sail ship.
Got your milk?
Oh, no!
Shit.
This won't blow. Why not?
Just see if this rolls, otherwise
I'm gonna pour that milk out.
That is making wind, though.
OK. Oh, shit.
I'm gonna go with that.
Oh, check that. Wait.
Josh, you got one minute to blow
something substantial
off the table, starting now.
LAUGHTER
No, it's not working!
I'm starting the clock now,
good luck. Go.
Yeah, that makes more wind.
Come on!
Oh, my God!
Lovely blowing action,
no doubt about it,
but were they substantial?
Well, meaning of substantial
is something of
importance, size or worth.
No mention of weight
but mention of size.
It's something of importance,
being able to see, isn't it?
I forgot to tell you, my grandfather
gave me those cheese puffs.
I tell you now, I'm gonna put Rob
in first place cos I think that not
being able to see properly, and
compromising that, is substantial.
The others we'll have to do by size.
OK.
Before we do that, there was one
extra little clip of Josh.
You wanna see it? Yes, please.
Oh, no! It was just a little clip
for you that I thought you'd like.
OK. Just a nice little shot of him.
Oh, no.
Was that your idea?
Yes, did you like it?
Well, I didn't ask for...
Why did you have that put together?
Yeah, what's wrong with you?
I thought it was a nice... I know.
But that is nothing to do
with the show.
It's nothing to do with the tasks
these people have been set.
And you commissioned that
and I want to know why you
thought that was funny.
Cos of the angles... Yeah.
..when you looked at it, the, um...
LAUGHTER
GREG LAUGHS
I don't wanna say it. I know.
But, the thing is, I know you're
genuinely uncomfortable.
What did it look like? The leaf
blower looked like it was...
Can I use the word that we use?
Yeah, use our word.
It looked like Josh's nub. Nub.
LAUGHTER
OK, so you're putting Rob in first
place, I gather.
Yeah, without question.
Then do you wanna do it on weight
and size? I wanna do it on size.
Is an umbrella
bigger than an air ball?
Yeah. Let's say the air ball and the
umbrella are about the same size.
You could say that
but it wouldn't be true.
Right, I'm gonna put them in joint,
whatever, second place. No.
Greg, one last thing.
I used Cheetos as contact lenses.
You wily giraffe blower.
Obviously, Noel's in last place.
And then we got
Bob Mortimer in second last place.
That's the end of the task,
so Rob Beckett wins it! Bang!
Onwards, please. Make it something
spectacular, Alex. Absolutely.
This next task is nothing
short of miraculous.
Um...
Ow!
SHE GASPS
Thank you.
Is this a kidnapping?
"Perform a miracle."
"Most miraculous wins. You have one
hour. Your time starts now."
"Perform a miracle?"
Well, that's easy enough, innit?
What are the miracles?
Walking on water.
Making someone not blind.
Walking on water would be
a good one, wouldn't it?
How would you do that?
What, are you doubting me?
Childbirth?
It's a miracle. You got one hour.
I can do that.
That's not a miracle.
Can you do it?
Uh...I'm panicking, I'm panicking.
Oh, hello.
Papa's got two out the bag.
What are those lizards that
can walk on water?
Do you know the ones I mean?
They're called
Jesus Christ lizards, I think.
Like, "You what? You got all that
shopping in the boot?
"That's a miracle!"
If I could get a lizard costume.
Try and run across
a child's paddling pool.
Thank you, Katherine.
Let's just repeat the definition of
miracle that we're gonna go with.
OK, so, something remarkable,
amazing. Something amazing.
Something you can't explain.
Something you can't explain.
I like that. OK.
So, let's say that's
one of the things. OK.
And it has beneficial side effects
for other people. Ah, OK.
OK? So positive for other people
and can't be explained.
Mm. Right. OK. We can start with
Noel, if you want.
Obviously you heard him say
he was just going to
get a lizard costume and run across
a paddling pool.
Do you want to see what he
actually did? Yes, please.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Two miracles. Not often quoted that
before Christ turned water into wine
he ran across a clearly visible
table...
..dressed as a lizard.
Who's next?
We're going to see Rob Beckett next.
Here's his miracle.
Oh, wicked. Thanks, mate.
20 minutes? You're a miracle worker.
Brilliant. I'll see you in a bit.
Bye.
Sorted.
100 pizzas.
100 pizzas, one phone call.
Modern miracle.
How's that, eh?
Pretty good. Better than a loaf of
bread, innit, and a fish?
APPLAUSE
It's not often you see a man dissing
Christ surrounded by pizzas.
Can't explain it.
Just cos you ordered 100 pizzas,
the takeaway system is not
miraculous, is it?
I can just pick up a phone,
ring up a geezer down the road and
he made me 100 pizzas
and bring it over?
That's a miracle.
Let's have a look at Katherine.
Katherine's one? Yeah.
OK, here we go.
I'm going to get a plumber here in a
very short time.
Miracle if I can pull that off.
PHONE DIALS
Hello. Please send me a plumber
as soon as possible.
Miracle number two.
I can get this wine into this cup
with the cup upside down.
Ha-ha! The miracle is performed.
Ta-da!
Classic miracle, this is water.
Wine.
Put them together like this.
Ta-dah!
I have doubled the wine. All the
villagers can now drink it. Miracle.
I'm going to perform the miracle of
giving a random person £100.
PHONE DIALS
Hello? Hi! This is Katherine.
You win.
Win what? Well, the Taskmaster,
Lord Greg Davies himself,
is giving a way, by a miracle, £100.
We're going to give it to you.
Oh, my God.
Would you say that this is a
miracle?
It is a miracle. It is a miracle!
Oh!
My plumber is here. Thank you for
coming on such short notice.
I can't believe a plumber has
arrived after only 28 minutes
of a phone call. That's a miracle!
You see how I am for you?
Knocking out miracles.
You give me an hour,
I'll be like, wow...
Yeah, we only asked for A miracle.
You smashed out four. Yep.
How much did that plumber cost you?
I did not pay him.
LAUGHTER
Miracle.
Well, you really did well. And you
reminded people that I'm a Lord.
Mm-hmm. It's all looking really good
for you, Katherine.
Thank you.
Right, still some miracles to see.
Witness them soon, in part four.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Taskmaster -
Champion Of Champions,
where there was a thing going on.
Well, you're so mysterious and
strong, Greg.
Yes, our contestants have been
trying to perform miracles
because it's a special show.
We've seen Rob order pizza,
Katherine call a plumber,
and Noel dress up as a lizard.
Next up, it's one of Devon's
top 30 comedians.
Josh Widdicombe!
Right.
Oh, this is my worst nightmare.
Have we got any matches?
Hi, Josh.
Do you want to come closer?
I'll just confirm that
they're real matches.
They are. I just got them from the
kitchen. Yes. I can confirm these
are genuine matches.
OK. I'll just
lean that on there.
LAUGHTER
I don't know who you're doing it.
It's a miracle. Is it?
Not just one, mate. Big one
coming. Whoa! You asked for
a miracle.
Within 10 minutes all I do is go
and get a box of matches.
No camera trickery.
This is street magic.
Street miracle. Street miracles.
This is street miracles.
That was a big one. Show them
they're real.
See you later.
APPLAUSE
That's great. I don't know how you
did it. It was a miracle. Yes.
Let's see Bob's. OK.
It's the last miracle.
Here we go. Bob Mortimer.
Presenting a tiny miracle that
I hope will rid this
world of the underground
people at last.
Here goes. Ping-Pong ball.
LAUGHTER
At last we are free to
skateboard without causing a rumpus.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I mean, really weird.
Really frightening.
And at the moment a miracle cos
I don't understand any of it.
I found that mysterious
and intriguing. I enjoyed it. Good.
So... I'll make some judgments. OK,
then. Here we go. Ready?
In last place, it's not miraculous
to order a takeaway.
Rob. Yeah, but 100.
Yes... Fair enough. No. No.
In joint second.
It's like a paper width separating a
man who dresses as a lizard and runs
across a paddling pool, and a man
who sticks a Ping-Pong ball to
his head.
So in joint second place
it's Noel and Bob.
In joint first place,
because Katherine gave us numerous
miracles, and Josh genuinely did
something that I can't explain,
they will get five points each.
There we go. The winners are
Katherine and Josh.
And what's that done to the scores?
We'll we've got an
outright leader now.
With 16 points Katherine is
now in the lead.
Whoa!
APPLAUSE
Just one thing left, then.
Will you all please head to the
stage for the final
task of the Champion Of Champions
first show?
CHEERING
Alex? Mm hm? I think we should get
Bob to read the task out. OK,
Bob, there's one for you.
Thank you. Pleasure. There's a lot
of information here, Bob.
"Write down a word beginning with
T every time Alex blows his
whistle.
"The person with the second longest
word takes a step down.
"Whoever writes down the longest
word misses a turn.
"If you write down one of Alex's
special words you advance
"an extra step.
First to reach the floor wins."
So just to clarify, you are all
going to write a word beginning
with T every time
I blow my whistle.
The second longest word, you
take a step forward.
If you write the longest word you
miss a go next time. OK.
This is a fucking dyslexic's
nightmare.
LAUGHTER
Ready?
WHISTLE
Thank you. My pen's rubbish.
These pens.
Why do you get a really big nib
and a really small board rubber?
I'm not sure that the contestants
are fully behind you with this task.
Not yet. Rob, what have you written?
Tails. Five.
OK. Currently in first and last
place. Yes. Oh! Noel? I think I've
spelt this wrong. Tragically. Ten.
That's fine. At the moment
you're in second place, Rob. Am I?
Katherine, what have you written?
Tagliatelle.
At the moment Noel has got
the second longest word.
So where am I?
You are now out of the game. Yes!
Josh, what have you written.
Thermos. Seven. That's a
sensible word.
Thank you. Trampolines.
Trampoline. 11.
Which means the second longest
word in that round is Noel Fielding.
Take a step forward.
One step. One step.
This doesn't rub out.
LAUGHTER
It says "water resistant
permanent marker."
What I love about this is you're
all laughing
but someone's going to lose their
fucking job!
So Noel wrote down the second
longest word. He has advanced.
Bob, and Katherine,
you wrote down the longest word
so you are out of the next round.
Oh. It's just us three.
Only three of you in it.
Write down your word.
WHISTLE
Second longest word again.
I get the game now.
You understand it. Rob, what have
you written? Telegraph. Nine. Strong
opener.
Very strong. Noel?
Toblerone. Nine.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
You are not going to
believe...
LAUGHTER
Toblerone.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Wow! What does that mean?
That means no-one has written
the second longest word.
But the Toblerone writers do advance
because I also have Toblerone.
How many do we advance?
One step. Nice.
Unfortunately for you three,
you all wrote the longest word
so you're all out of the next round.
It's just Katherine and Bob.
I'm having an absolute stinker here.
WHISTLE
Who has written the second longest
word out of two people?
I don't know, mate.
Katherine, what have you written?
I've written to. For two.
Bob has also written to.
So we both get to go? You're both
out. You three are up again.
WHISTLE
Another word, please for Katherine
and Bob.
OK, Rob, what have you written?
Toilet. For six. Lovely. Noel?
Triangle. Toilet is the second
longest word until Josh writes...?
Topic. Whoo!
So Rob? You have won, Rob.
I go down?
Noel, you are out of the next one.
OK, so I sit down to indicate that?
If you would. Thank you.
WHISTLE
Write down a word. Thank you.
OK. OK, Rob, what have you written?
Time. For four? Yes.
Katherine? Tobacco for seven.
Triangles for nine.
Tussle for six. Which means second
longest word is Katherine
and we're carrying on. Lovely.
Josh was the longest word, Noel
is still one step away from victory.
WHISTLE
Keep writing those words.
And keep looking at Noel's first,
Rob. Ready? He's cheating.
You're winning. Rob? Tonne. Five.
Forget that seven I've just crossed
out. Noel? Toggle.
That's all right. What was that?
Toggle for six. Six. That's
convenient.
You had seven. I would have been
in first place. But you cheated.
Depends on what Katherine has
written. Katherine?
Katherine's written tougher, for
seven. Trumpet for seven.
Which means, Noel, with a six is the
second longest word, he can advance.
APPLAUSE
Come on down and let's see how
that's affected the final scores.
How did you feel that went?
It was very exciting and really
easy to understand. What?
Noel gets five points for
winning the task,
These three get four for coming
second, and Bob just one for coming
last.
Aw! That's unfair. It's all
unfair.
So I've totted up all the scores
now. Yes.
Do you want to know the final scores
of the first part of the specials?
Heavens above, yes.
Well, here we go.
With 20 points, tonight's winner
is...
..Katherine Ryan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Katherine, is the winner of the
first show.
Katherine, please head up to the
stage to collect
all your mortifying
bits and pieces. Thank you.
Well, that is a very good start for
Katherine.
What have we learned today?
We have learned if you want to be
a champion, mentally scar
your siblings by dressing them up
as murderous dictators.
But, let's never forget,
the winner of the first
episode of the Taskmaster Champion
Of Champions is Katherine Ryan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, you wonderful peasants.
We'll see you next time.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media