Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 8 - Their Water's So Delicious - full transcript
HE LAUGHS
Argh!
Oh my God!
Go!
Yes!
Help!
Argh!
Oh yeah.
APPLAUSE
Thank you. I'm Greg Davies.
Welcome to the Taskmaster
series five grand final!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now then, all good things
must come to an end,
but good things also come
to those that wait.
Yet time waits for no man.
And let's not forget
no man is an island.
Many hands make light work.
Yeah, too many cooks
spoil the broth.
And you should never bite
the hand that feeds you.
This series we've learned
you can't always get what you want.
So chin up,
there's no time like the present.
May the best man or woman win.
Your Taskmaster series five
finalists are...
Aisling Bea.
CHEERING
Bob Mortimer.
CHEERING
Mark Watson.
CHEERING
Nish Kumar!
CHEERING
And Sally Phillips.
CHEERING
And here, always here, forever here,
it's (SINGS) Alex Horne.
CHEERING
I like that, thank you.
You feeling ready for the big one?
Not really, I'm having
a bit of a wobble if I'm honest.
I've lost my Bumper Book
of Proverbs, can't find it.
And er... I'm also worried about
what's going on in the world.
I've done a lot of reading.
I just can't stand it any more.
Things like 78 per cent of the air
is now nitrogen.
Always has been.
Has it? OK.
LAUGHTER
Crop circles, they're on about
crop circles. The tooth fairy.
I read...
Thumb! Thumb?
LAUGHTER
So what's the prize category
for this big old final?
Today we've asked them to bring in,
it's a good one, the most awkward
item
for somebody else to take home.
LAUGHTER
So whoever's item you think
would be the most awkward item to
take home wins
and at the end of the episode
the person with the most points
will take home
all the awkward items,
which will probably be quite tricky.
Yeah.
Mark Watson, what have you decided
would be the most awkward thing
to take home?
I've brought in what can
only be described as a bathroom.
LAUGHTER
Erm...
So it's a full bathroom suite?
Well, yeah.
LAUGHTER
I feel this is pretty awkward
to get home.
Obviously I know cos it was a hell
of a hassle to get it here.
LAUGHTER
Did you bring it here? It is here.
Yes, I brought it here. There's
a toilet, a bath and a sink, as you
can see.
And I have to say it wasn't
an easy few weeks of my life.
I'll be honest with you, Mark,
and I hope this isn't insulting.
I find it hard to believe you can
even pick up a piece of cheese.
LAUGHTER
Looks nice, nice bath in it,
nice washing your face.
Looks like that toilet's gonna take
a heavy payload so well done.
LAUGHTER
Shall I move on to Bob?
Yes, please.
OK.
Oh, man, I brought
a "I love Katie Hopkins" hat.
I no longer believe in it.
You no longer believe in it?
I did then, I don't now.
It's not just the hat, you also
brought in a T-shirt. Oh God.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
They are awkward items, obviously.
I would argue you could pop them
in a bag. Yeah. Who's next?
LAUGHTER
Nish Kumar.
I've brought 14 kilograms of curry.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Would that be awkward?
Take me, for example,
would that be awkward
for me to get out the studio?
Well, it's in a wok.
LAUGHTER
Let's role play, Alex.
I'll get on the tube. OK.
Oh God. Oh! What have you got there?
14 kilograms of curry.
LAUGHTER
You seem to have dropped
your newspaper. Oh, that's awkward.
APPLAUSE
Aisling?
I'd love one of you guys to bring
home a cardboard cut-out of me.
It's me doing the big thumbs up.
Let's have a look at it.
The big thumbs up.
LAUGHTER
I wouldn't think that would be
awkward to take out. I think it's
perfectly nice.
I've got one of me,
we can swapsies if you want?
Mine are £36 on Amazon.
LAUGHTER
34.97.
They've gone down.
LAUGHTER
Who's next?
The last to go is Sally Phillips.
I brought loads of helium balloons.
Loads and loads.
A hundred or something,
and if you're a bloke,
that'd be awkward and embarrassing
to get home because everyone will
say to you,
"Ha ha ha!"
If you're a girl, they'll lift you
off into the sky and you'll go to
Paradise Falls.
LAUGHTER
They would lift a three kilogram
weight, that many.
A penguin chick.
LAUGHTER
Go on, Greg, rate the prizes.
I'm putting Bob's T-shirt in last
place because I believe you can put
it in a bag.
LAUGHTER
I'm putting Aisling's in second
to last place
because I think it's a perfectly
nice cut-out of her. Oh!
Three, erm... Just pop some
balloons, put Sally in there.
Nish.
Nish? The curry?
It might be too big for some people.
I'd gobble that bad boy down.
So the winner, without a question,
the most awkward item to remove
is a full bathroom
and it's Mark Watson!
CHEERING
So at this point I can tell you
what the series scores are.
AUDIENCE: Woo!
We are in the final.
With a massive 97, Nish Kumar.
CHEERING
97!
97!
97. And the next person
nowhere near you.
Sally's on 116.
LAUGHTER
Then we go to 118 for Aisling,
123 for Bob, 124 for Mark!
CHEERING
So here we go.
What's the first proper task
of this final episode?
Well, obviously,
it's more coconuts. Mmm!
Oi oi!
Hi, Alex.
Hello, Bob.
Phew! Heavy door today.
Yes.
You all right?
This old chestnut.
Coconut.
LAUGHTER
HE LAUGHS
"Get this coconut as far from here
as possible."
"You may not touch the ground."
I am touching the grand.
You're touching the rug.
You're OK at the moment.
"You may not step on anything
more than once."
"The coconut may not travel by car."
"You have 20 minutes,
your time starts now."
So I can't touch the ground?
No, thank you.
Jesus.
Right, OK.
I mean,
I've got to be honest with you.
At this moment in time,
I'm thinking of throwing it.
LAUGHTER
I appreciate your honesty.
APPLAUSE
The main rule here is you're not
allowed to step on the ground
at any point.
You're not allowed to touch the
ground. You're only allowed to step
on one thing once.
So right now
I'm stepping on this carpet.
I can move around on it but once I'm
off it I can't get back on it
so I'm now stranded on a chair.
Sweet butt!
Thank you.
LAUGHTER
That's the only reason
I stood on the chair.
So that's the rules, you have
to get the coconut as far away as
possible
without stepping on the ground
or anything else more than once.
We're gonna start off with three
of them. Aisling, Bob and Nish.
Do you have a photocopier here?
We've got a printer.
I'm looking for a ream of paper.
There'll be a ream of paper
in the printer.
OK, I'm gonna go out the back door.
Jump. Whoa!
So you're now off the rug,
you can't go back on the rug,
Piss and shit!
Still on the carpet.
Still part of my first step.
I'm gonna have to throw it over
the gate. OK.
There and here I go.
Mat!
Go!
Go! Yes!
Go! Go!
Go! Go!
Could you open the gates, please,
Alex? Yes.
Oh, I've fucked it up!
Oh, I've fucked it up!
As I thought it might,
I hit the hedge.
There it is. It's natural
environment. Like a little bear poo.
Take off my trousers.
You're on the mat.
I'm on the mat.
I'm gonna try
and chuck this over there.
OK, I'm gonna make sure no one's
standing there. Yeah.
I'm standing on this now.
I'm gonna bowl it.
One, two...
Three!
Oh, it rolled back
towards the house.
Everybody, hold on to your butts.
HE GROANS
LAUGHTER
This is the grand final.
LAUGHTER
I will say that it rolled back
quite close to you. You could have
thrown it again.
Back inside, that was the end.
Four minutes left.
LAUGHTER
So close.
Same with Bob, presumably? Very...
He couldn't get to it because it was
on the ground whereas Nish could
reach it.
Ah!
You're like a
finally trained athlete though.
Because you said, "Oh no,
I fucked it!" I'm quoting there.
As it left your hands you knew,
ah, that's fucked. Yeah.
We were quite relieved when you
missed the busy road though.
LAUGHTER
I'm intrigued by your decision,
Aisling, not to throw over
the fence.
But to bowl under.
LAUGHTER
It was on a hill.
Ah!
Came back to me.
The old bowl it up a hill mistake.
Classic.
Just stop. It's the first
of the last breaks. Bye for now.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Hello!
Welcome back to the Taskmaster
grand final.
Alex, do please fill us in
on the latest gossip.
OK, one of the mums at school
was thinking of moving to Spain.
LAUGHTER
Yes, so, er, before the adverts...
LAUGHTER
Madrid. People were trying to get
a coconut as far away as possible
without touching the ground.
This is Mark Watson's attempt.
Right, so, I'll just...
I can sort of do this.
You can't now go back on the mat.
Ah, cos of the rules? Mmm.
Pity actually about that.
It's going to be fiddly, isn't it?
And of course I've left the coconut
behind.
LAUGHTER
That can be a bridge.
All right, I'm on the mat.
I tell you what, Oriel,
let's go for a whirl.
Erm...
MUFFLED GRUNTING
OK.
You all right?
Yay!
Is this all right for you?
If we can get to the river,
I'll drop it in there.
Three minutes 45.
We'll be all right.
OK, that'll do it. Thank you, Oriel.
I'm now gonna hurl the coconut
into the river.
And at that point the distance that
the coconut travels is for other
people to determine.
Fling!
APPLAUSE
I'll be thinking about it
for the rest of my life.
I don't want to exaggerate the
importance of it psychologically
but it probably will be the last
thing I think about before I die.
You might not have actually touched
the ground.
We could just check...
check the footage... Have a look.
Yeah, you did.
LAUGHTER
You lost to a complete buffoon.
LAUGHTER
Of course, it hadn't even occurred
to me that Nish has beaten you.
LAUGHTER
At least your actual coconut throw
at the end was impressive
All of it was impressive apart from
the bit where I destroyed my life.
LAUGHTER
Who's next?
Last up, it's Phillip Sallys.
LAUGHTER
I may not touch the ground
but you may touch the ground, Alex.
Yes, I can touch the ground.
I would like to ask you to take this
coconut to the post office
and post it to my friend in Fiji.
And what's in it for me?
What's in it for you?
You're demanding payment, are you?
I could tattoo you if you like.
Could draw all over your arse.
A pastoral scene.
I'll just take the coconut. Yeah?
Take the coconut to the post office?
I'll give you my credit card.
You can pay for the whole thing like
a box.
It's in my bag.
You want me to get the bag?
Go and get the bag. You're just
gonna sit on the table? I'm gonna
sit on the table.
That's the one. Maybe I'll send it
to the prime minister of Fiji.
The prime minister of Fiji.
Fourth floor, government buildings.
New Wing. Fiji.
Right. Thank you.
Good luck. Quickly. Speed.
Right, prime minister of Fiji.
The great thing about this is
it requires such little effort
from myself.
BICYCLE BELL RINGS
APPLAUSE
Amazing. Did it make it to Fiji?
No, it made it to East Cheam
post office where I was told
there was a list of restricted items
that you can send to Fiji.
LAUGHTER
Fresh fruit and flowers, roots,
crops, rice, mushrooms and coconuts.
LAUGHTER
I'm not an expert but something
tells me Fiji's probably got
coconuts covered.
LAUGHTER
Let me show you on a map
how far they all got.
There's the house, the first one
33 metres away, that's Bob.
Then we've got Aisling at the back
of the house. Little bit further.
Nish obviously
in exactly the same place.
And the river there, it's irrelevant
but that's Mark Watson's.
Then 1.1 miles away in East Cheam.
Five points to Sally.
Clearly five points!
APPLAUSE
I think it's time to see
the scores now, Alex.
It is time
and it's tight for the final.
There are three people
in third place.
Sally Phillips is in the lead
at the moment with eight points!
APPLAUSE
OK, another task, please, Alex.
Right you are, Greg.
Little warning,
this one is quite graphic.
Ooh!
WHISTLING
Whistling a happy tune for you,
Alex. Thank you, Bob.
What's the haps?
I don't know what you mean.
How you doing? Unfortunately
I'm sorry but I've dropped the task.
Not on porpoise
but I've dropped it. Ah.
It fell on the floor and then some
of my loose change fell on it.
And then some sand fell on it.
I've got this though.
What? So I have to be
like a metal detector?
Just sweep it slowly and low.
Even lower.
No, I meant the detector.
LAUGHTER
BLEEPING
There!
Got it.
Oh, thanks, Bob.
I'm not going without the cash,
though. No, that's for you.
Fancy sitting on that.
You're going to sit on the head?
SHE LAUGHS
Why not?
"Create the best graph.
You have 20 minutes,
your time starts..."
Now. (MAKES TRUMPET FANFARE SOUND)
Erm...
I caved his skull in with my arse!
OK, reiterate what the task was.
The task was create the best graph.
That's all it was.
Any sort of graph.
Graph.
(NORTHERN ACCENT) A graph.
(SOUTHERN ACCENT) Graph.
A graph.
Exactly, a graph.
This isn't a Londoncentric show.
You can say graph.
I already have said graph.
Say graph. Graph.
Say graph.
Graph.
Shall we see the funny contestants
make graphs now? OK.
This is their graph making.
Let me just remember
how a graph works.
Have you started yet?
You can't rush genius.
Hurry up.
LAUGHTER
I'm using the landscape.
Oh, do you know
omnipurpose jaws of doom graph?
I don't know that.
That's quite good.
The biggest urinators in the
British isles are the Scottish.
Why's that? That's because (SCOTTISH
ACCENT) the water's so delicious.
Argh, the graph!
How far in that direction can they
go because... Your graph.
Oh, cows don't have it easy,
or oxen, do they?
So I'll make it as big as possible.
The graph is meant to represent
all the people that have lived
and all the time there's ever been.
I find this quite disturbing.
Can I ask what units
we're talking about?
Units of piss.
Yeah.
Beach ball? Where's that?
Oh.
SHE LAUGHS
Big graph, Mark. Is it finished?
It's not finished.
To complete it, here's what we do.
I'm pretty pleased with my graph.
Nish Kumar. A 3D graph.
We can see it, this is pre labels.
As a straight line,
you're unconventional.
LAUGHTER
That vertical line
is a chubby old front.
LAUGHTER
This is what is represented
on the graph.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So the amount of time you spend with
me, the more fun you have.
I think we can all agree. Nish.
LAUGHTER
Would you like to move on to the
biggest graph of them all?
It's 60 metres by 60 metres,
it's an al fresco graph.
Here's Mark Watson's graph.
So that was taken with a drone
and for scale those little dots
at the bottom are...
Do you want to talk us through it,
Mark?
So this is a graph
of how people have voted,
which party they voted for,
but across the whole of time
and the whole of humanity ever.
It is an eternal electoral graph.
Correct me if I'm wrong, on this,
and I hope you don't mind me
saying this,
light entertainment show...
LAUGHTER
...what you've produced is a graph
that shows the pointlessness
of democracy.
LAUGHTER
Erm... not just of democracy but of
all human endeavour, basically.
But to be fair, if people are
watching Taskmaster they realise
that already.
We'd like to look at Sally's
omnipurpose jaws of doom.
Is that her graph?
Yes. Let's go.
There it is, the Y axis says Sex,
the X axis says Time.
And she's represented Want and Get
with the lines.
LAUGHTER
This is the latest in a series
of incidences with Sally
where she's made it very clear that
she wants more sex in her life.
LAUGHTER
I think it's a bit like fossil fuels
in the ozone layer.
The time for graphs has stopped and
we should huddle together and see
what we're gonna do about it.
LAUGHTER
Great. That's wonderful to hear,
thank you so much.
My work here is done, thank you.
LAUGHTER
See you all...
It's the end of part two already.
See you in a few minutes.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Great to have you back.
What was happening before that
welcome pause, Alex?
We've been seeing the competitors
designing graphs on a beach, Greg.
And now it's time to have a look at
Aisling Bea's graph.
She did this one.
This is my graph to show how many
women have been on Taskmaster
versus men.
And the men are represented
by a mannequin with a broken hand
with a pair of pants
and the women are a mess.
LAUGHTER
Just a head and a hand there.
Which is all you really need
if you're a woman.
LAUGHTER
It's a very worthy sentiment.
Is the graph any good?
Just numbers wise, you've implied
that in the first series, if you
follow the graph up
there are the same number of men and
woman and there were loads more men
then.
So graph wise... Do you know what's
the worst thing about this?
Two men are going to explain to me,
and rightly so...
LAUGHTER
...why my maths are shit!
I think it's more serious than that.
I think that graph
has done women a disservice.
LAUGHTER
I think it might have set us back,
Sal!
It's anti-feminist.
Criticising the graph,
not the sentiment.
Who's next?
It's Bob.
Fairly obvious what this represents.
LAUGHTER
On the Y axis, as we all know,
it's units of urine,
and on the X
it's the counties of Britain.
LAUGHTER
If you're thinking of collecting
vast amounts of piss,
go up to Dumfries and Galloway.
If you only want small amounts,
eg for household use...
LAUGHTER
...you might like to consider
East Sussex.
How did you get these statistics?
Absolutely accurate
cos I was looking into purchasing
gallons of piss.
LAUGHTER
Cos I was in dispute
with the Woolwich Ferry man.
I thought, fuck it,
I'll fill his boat with piss.
LAUGHTER
Where do I need to go?
LAUGHTER
So people in Dumfries and Galloway
piss about ten times as much...
They literally cannot stop.
LAUGHTER
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) I only had time
to stop for the one Scotch pie
and then the stream started.
LAUGHTER
What a life we have!
The Gulf Stream passes
past Dumfries and Galloway
and I was told that's the reason why
they produce so much urine.
You were quite adamant at the time
it wasn't average per person,
this is total amount and Dumfries
is not a big county. Not at all.
Yeah, an awful lot, and as you were
doing it, you said, "When you know
the facts, lock themdown."
LAUGHTER
If I have to die and the final thing
in my head is the image of Bob
Mortimer
harvesting piss to exact revenge
on the owner of a boat...
LAUGHTER
...that will do, mate, that will do.
That would be a great way to go.
I'm gonna make a quick judgement
on this. I can't draw much of a
distinction
between Aisling's feminist crusade,
Sally's cry for hot action,
and Mark's er...
God, I can't even remember
what Mark's was!
LAUGHTER
Those three together. Joint third.
OK.
And this is going to surprise you.
Mm-hm.
I'm going to put Bob's piss graph
in second place.
Purely because Birmingham
was on there and I come from near
Birmingham
and I piss like a big old whale.
LAUGHTER
That's true.
APPLAUSE
So, erm, for one of very few
occasions... He's doing very badly
in the show so far.
Oh God, across the series
he's been truly awful.
But the sheer simplicity
of his chubby fun graph,
Nish Kumar wins this round!
CHEERING
Right, Greg, we've got a very quick
task now for not all of you.
SHE LAUGHS
"Make the most fish puns. Most fish
puns wins. You have one minute.
Your time starts now."
Er... puns.
Stop carping on.
Er... Er...
Cod do this.
Can you make lots of fish puns?
I trout it.
I trout it very much.
I've got my herring a bun.
My herring a bun.
# I can sing a rainbow trout,
sing a rainbow trout
# Sing a rainbow trout too
Er... He's not very tuna-ful.
Er...
Minnow understand English.
LAUGHTER
Angelfish.
Send in the clownfish.
That's not really a pun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
APPLAUSE
I thought you'd all done it.
I'm confused, Alex, because did you
only ask Sally to do it?
She didn't do it by herself.
She was up against me.
I've also tried to get as many fish
puns as possible in one minute.
OK.
Wanna see how I did?
Er, yeah.
OK.
This is my go.
I don't want to carp on about it
but I'm worried they might be...
Congratulations.
It's a lovely plaice, though,
isn't it? Beautiful place.
You used a tuna baked beans.
Tin of baked beans.
I can get you something to perch on.
There are three tasks
in a roe for you there.
Let minnow when to place it.
Smell it?
Urgh, I've already got a haddock.
Headache.
How does it feel? Fine.
Feel a little bit tench but fine.
Very off-fish-ial.
I haven't got very good herring.
But I heard you OK.
I'm sorry but I've dropped the task.
Not on porpoise but I've dropped it.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So Alex took it upon himself to go
into secret competition with Sally.
Yeah, I tried really hard every time
we spoke to say a fish word, did you
notice?
I just thought you were bad
at speaking!
LAUGHTER
This means we can look at the
scoreboard. The scoreboard looks
like this.
So Nish Kumar is the joint leader
with Sally Phillips!
Yes!
CHEERING
THEY SQUEAL
I'll tell you what, you can get your
face off that scoreboard for a
start.
We'll batter you to death
with an iron bar.
Better, OK.
Last location task of the series
then. That's right.
And we're gonna end with a song.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Yo. How are you?
Hello.
Hello!
Hello.
Do we...
Do we strike you?
LAUGHTER
Shall I take the task?
Would you like to?
Yes, I suppose so, yeah.
I'll take the task. Thank you.
We can so do this.
"Write and perform a song
about this woman."
"Best song wins."
"You have five minutes
to talk to the woman."
"Then 30 minutes
to write her a song."
Time starts now so we need to gather
as much information as we can. Hi.
So what's your name?
Rosalind.
Where are you from originally?
Southport.
What do you do for a living?
Japanese translator.
Do you have children?
Yes, two sons.
Two? Are they good men?
Yes.
They're a bit inept at things
but that's fine.
What do you do to pass the time? I'm
an athletics official, track judge,
and I do long jumping.
Long jumper!
Who's your favourite band of all
time? Good idea. Might lead us to
some music.
Ooh, I like Mozart. Mozart? Mozart?
One of my favourite bands as well.
Have you stolen much in your life?
When I was about ten
I used to do a bit of sweetie
shoplifting with my best friend
Elaine.
I also play the cello.
Great.
Do you play cello with anyone?
A string quartet, yeah.
My husband and a couple of friends.
And what's the name of your...
My husband is called Alan.
And did you do it in public
or just...
It's not people sitting in rows
watching, it's... just the sound.
Do you eat meat?
As long as it's kosher.
What's your favourite meat?
Chicken, I suppose.
What's your favourite film?
Oh, Hangover 1 and 2.
Favourite food?
Beans on toast. Quite right.
Are the other two in the string
quartet, are they a couple as well?
They used to be then one got
septicaemia so he lost the use
of three fingers in his left hand.
Would you like to be able to fly?
No.
WHISTLE
APPLAUSE
Bob's first four questions...
Do we strike you?
LAUGHTER
Have you ever stolen?
LAUGHTER
What is your favourite meat?
LAUGHTER
Would you like to be able to fly?
LAUGHTER
Thankfully he had teammates
to take up the slack.
Do you want to see Mark and Nish
first? Yes, I do, please.
OK, so this, for the first time
ever, is Mark and Nish's song
for a stranger.
Hello, Great Britain!
Hello.
How you all feeling out there?
We're all fine, thank you.
Now's the time you've all been
waiting for. The band!
Good evening, London!
We are The Diverse Stripes.
I am Jack Brown,
and this is my wife's sister Mark.
LAUGHTER
This is called I'm Always Seeing
You, open brackets, Do Cool Stuff,
closed brackets.
All right,
and one, two, three, four.
LAUGHTER
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
Two, three, four!
MARK HARMONISES
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
Something in my eye!
I mean, unbelievable.
Who'd have thought Mark Watson
was a drummer!
I think you may have just shaken off
the whole heron thing!
LAUGHTER
I had no idea Nish could sing
or play guitar.
That was a miracle, I think.
LAUGHTER
And all that time she just sat
there, absolutely no expression
on her face.
LAUGHTER
This is the first time in an entire
series where I've got nothing
negative to say about you.
Congratulations
on your brilliant song!
APPLAUSE
I'm afraid the end is nigh.
See you soon for the final part
of the show
when we find out who has won
both episode and series!
APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome back to the final
part of the grand final.
We ride this wave now
till the end of the credits.
Over to you, Alex,
please bring us up to speed.
I will. They're writing songs
for a stranger.
A multi-faceted stranger
called Rosalind.
We've heard Mark and Nish's
affectionate tune.
Now we're gonna hear Aisling,
Bob and Sally's er...
This is their song.
Hello, lady...
Welcome to Taskonbury Festival.
They've got soul.
You know then as The POC.
Here they are!
Woo!
Hello, Taskonbury!
Hello. Hello!
Welcome. Nice to see you all.
Erm, wow, what a rush.
We are...
(ALL) Products of Conception.
And we're delighted to bring you
here today our debut track
which is called...
Quite Good, Considering. Quite Good,
Considering. Let's have the music.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
Thank you!
You can sing harmonies!
I can't sing.
Not too bad.
Not too bad!
Very different.
Very different takes
on the same woman.
That is one of the bravest lines
in rock history.
Rosalind is a fucking nightmare!
LAUGHTER
Is Rosalind here?
Oh my God!
CHEERING
You'd never met her before.
Never met her since.
But we captured the essence of her.
LAUGHTER
I really, really loved Mark
and Nish's song.
I thought
it was genuinely beautiful.
It also really delighted me
hearing a very nice woman Rosalind
as a fucking nightmare.
Honestly, because I genuinely
thought I saw a tear in Mark's eye,
I'm gonna give three points to Nish
and Mark and two points to the other
three.
CHEERING
Well, please all head to the stage
for the final task of the series!
CHEERING
Here we are then,
this looks pretty straightforward.
Who's going to read the task out?
Sally Phillips. Hello, Sally.
Hi.
The final task of the series.
Privilege and a pleasure.
"Throw your egg, bonjour,
through the hoop and catch it
as many times as possible.
You may not touch the net or post.
Most successful hoop catch
combo wins.
You have 100 seconds and one egg."
Thank you, Sally. Just to make it
clear to everybody, Mark,
if you drop the egg, it's over.
The entire egg
has to go through the hoop.
So once the egg is broken
you're done.
So you can't touch the net
or the hoop.
You've just got to throw that egg
through as many times as you can.
Your time starts...
BLOWS WHISTLE
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
AUDIENCE SHOUTS
CHEERING
LAUGHTER
Go again, Bob, go again.
AUDIENCE SHOUTS
AUDIENCE CHANTS AND CLAPS
CHEERING
WHISTLE
There we go.
CHEERING
Come down here and we'll see how
that's affected the final scores!
Talk me through the egg catching,
then, Alex.
We know the winner of this task
was Mr Bob Mortimer!
CHEERING
And we know these three
unfortunately didn't get any eggs
or points.
Sally caught the egg but it didn't
go entirely through the hoop.
Would you like to put her
in second place?
Hmm.
LAUGHTER
Yes, I believe I would.
Yay!
Which means the final scoreboard
looks like this!
Sally just pips Bob. Sally wins
all the awkward things to take home!
Yes, oh, please go and get them!
CHEERING
Let's hear it one more time
for Sally!
CHEERING
Whoa!
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
It's the moment that every single
person in the world has been
waiting for.
The time to crown
our glorious champion.
This series
has seen so many Taskmaster firsts.
There's been the birth
of a fully grown adult.
An intimate car boot cuddle.
The invention of Kumarmite.
The cutlery-based fourth instalment
of the taken film franchise Tuck.
And I've received some sordid
text messages from a heron.
But now...
it's over to Alex to announce
the final series scores.
Nish got triple figures,
Nish got 107.
CHEERING
The rest did much better.
LAUGHTER
And we have Aisling Bea on 126!
CHEERING
Sally... Sally Phillips
and Mark Watson on 130 points!
CHEERING
The winner is Mr Bob Mortimer!
CHEERING
Ladies and gentlemen, the champion
of the fifth series of Taskmaster
is Bob Mortimer.
CHEERING
Well done, everybody,
thank you to our contestants
but especially to our phenomenal
victor Bob Mortimer!
CHEERING
Thank you for watching, everybody!
CHEERING
Good night!
# Gonna serve you beans on toast
# Well, it's a fantasy,
it's nothing but a boast
# You come from Southport,
I live miles away in Balham
# I'm a coward
and I feel all right about it
# I'm always seeing you
do good stuff
# Try my best but it's never
# Good enough #
CHEERING
Subtitles by Ericsson
Argh!
Oh my God!
Go!
Yes!
Help!
Argh!
Oh yeah.
APPLAUSE
Thank you. I'm Greg Davies.
Welcome to the Taskmaster
series five grand final!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now then, all good things
must come to an end,
but good things also come
to those that wait.
Yet time waits for no man.
And let's not forget
no man is an island.
Many hands make light work.
Yeah, too many cooks
spoil the broth.
And you should never bite
the hand that feeds you.
This series we've learned
you can't always get what you want.
So chin up,
there's no time like the present.
May the best man or woman win.
Your Taskmaster series five
finalists are...
Aisling Bea.
CHEERING
Bob Mortimer.
CHEERING
Mark Watson.
CHEERING
Nish Kumar!
CHEERING
And Sally Phillips.
CHEERING
And here, always here, forever here,
it's (SINGS) Alex Horne.
CHEERING
I like that, thank you.
You feeling ready for the big one?
Not really, I'm having
a bit of a wobble if I'm honest.
I've lost my Bumper Book
of Proverbs, can't find it.
And er... I'm also worried about
what's going on in the world.
I've done a lot of reading.
I just can't stand it any more.
Things like 78 per cent of the air
is now nitrogen.
Always has been.
Has it? OK.
LAUGHTER
Crop circles, they're on about
crop circles. The tooth fairy.
I read...
Thumb! Thumb?
LAUGHTER
So what's the prize category
for this big old final?
Today we've asked them to bring in,
it's a good one, the most awkward
item
for somebody else to take home.
LAUGHTER
So whoever's item you think
would be the most awkward item to
take home wins
and at the end of the episode
the person with the most points
will take home
all the awkward items,
which will probably be quite tricky.
Yeah.
Mark Watson, what have you decided
would be the most awkward thing
to take home?
I've brought in what can
only be described as a bathroom.
LAUGHTER
Erm...
So it's a full bathroom suite?
Well, yeah.
LAUGHTER
I feel this is pretty awkward
to get home.
Obviously I know cos it was a hell
of a hassle to get it here.
LAUGHTER
Did you bring it here? It is here.
Yes, I brought it here. There's
a toilet, a bath and a sink, as you
can see.
And I have to say it wasn't
an easy few weeks of my life.
I'll be honest with you, Mark,
and I hope this isn't insulting.
I find it hard to believe you can
even pick up a piece of cheese.
LAUGHTER
Looks nice, nice bath in it,
nice washing your face.
Looks like that toilet's gonna take
a heavy payload so well done.
LAUGHTER
Shall I move on to Bob?
Yes, please.
OK.
Oh, man, I brought
a "I love Katie Hopkins" hat.
I no longer believe in it.
You no longer believe in it?
I did then, I don't now.
It's not just the hat, you also
brought in a T-shirt. Oh God.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
They are awkward items, obviously.
I would argue you could pop them
in a bag. Yeah. Who's next?
LAUGHTER
Nish Kumar.
I've brought 14 kilograms of curry.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Would that be awkward?
Take me, for example,
would that be awkward
for me to get out the studio?
Well, it's in a wok.
LAUGHTER
Let's role play, Alex.
I'll get on the tube. OK.
Oh God. Oh! What have you got there?
14 kilograms of curry.
LAUGHTER
You seem to have dropped
your newspaper. Oh, that's awkward.
APPLAUSE
Aisling?
I'd love one of you guys to bring
home a cardboard cut-out of me.
It's me doing the big thumbs up.
Let's have a look at it.
The big thumbs up.
LAUGHTER
I wouldn't think that would be
awkward to take out. I think it's
perfectly nice.
I've got one of me,
we can swapsies if you want?
Mine are £36 on Amazon.
LAUGHTER
34.97.
They've gone down.
LAUGHTER
Who's next?
The last to go is Sally Phillips.
I brought loads of helium balloons.
Loads and loads.
A hundred or something,
and if you're a bloke,
that'd be awkward and embarrassing
to get home because everyone will
say to you,
"Ha ha ha!"
If you're a girl, they'll lift you
off into the sky and you'll go to
Paradise Falls.
LAUGHTER
They would lift a three kilogram
weight, that many.
A penguin chick.
LAUGHTER
Go on, Greg, rate the prizes.
I'm putting Bob's T-shirt in last
place because I believe you can put
it in a bag.
LAUGHTER
I'm putting Aisling's in second
to last place
because I think it's a perfectly
nice cut-out of her. Oh!
Three, erm... Just pop some
balloons, put Sally in there.
Nish.
Nish? The curry?
It might be too big for some people.
I'd gobble that bad boy down.
So the winner, without a question,
the most awkward item to remove
is a full bathroom
and it's Mark Watson!
CHEERING
So at this point I can tell you
what the series scores are.
AUDIENCE: Woo!
We are in the final.
With a massive 97, Nish Kumar.
CHEERING
97!
97!
97. And the next person
nowhere near you.
Sally's on 116.
LAUGHTER
Then we go to 118 for Aisling,
123 for Bob, 124 for Mark!
CHEERING
So here we go.
What's the first proper task
of this final episode?
Well, obviously,
it's more coconuts. Mmm!
Oi oi!
Hi, Alex.
Hello, Bob.
Phew! Heavy door today.
Yes.
You all right?
This old chestnut.
Coconut.
LAUGHTER
HE LAUGHS
"Get this coconut as far from here
as possible."
"You may not touch the ground."
I am touching the grand.
You're touching the rug.
You're OK at the moment.
"You may not step on anything
more than once."
"The coconut may not travel by car."
"You have 20 minutes,
your time starts now."
So I can't touch the ground?
No, thank you.
Jesus.
Right, OK.
I mean,
I've got to be honest with you.
At this moment in time,
I'm thinking of throwing it.
LAUGHTER
I appreciate your honesty.
APPLAUSE
The main rule here is you're not
allowed to step on the ground
at any point.
You're not allowed to touch the
ground. You're only allowed to step
on one thing once.
So right now
I'm stepping on this carpet.
I can move around on it but once I'm
off it I can't get back on it
so I'm now stranded on a chair.
Sweet butt!
Thank you.
LAUGHTER
That's the only reason
I stood on the chair.
So that's the rules, you have
to get the coconut as far away as
possible
without stepping on the ground
or anything else more than once.
We're gonna start off with three
of them. Aisling, Bob and Nish.
Do you have a photocopier here?
We've got a printer.
I'm looking for a ream of paper.
There'll be a ream of paper
in the printer.
OK, I'm gonna go out the back door.
Jump. Whoa!
So you're now off the rug,
you can't go back on the rug,
Piss and shit!
Still on the carpet.
Still part of my first step.
I'm gonna have to throw it over
the gate. OK.
There and here I go.
Mat!
Go!
Go! Yes!
Go! Go!
Go! Go!
Could you open the gates, please,
Alex? Yes.
Oh, I've fucked it up!
Oh, I've fucked it up!
As I thought it might,
I hit the hedge.
There it is. It's natural
environment. Like a little bear poo.
Take off my trousers.
You're on the mat.
I'm on the mat.
I'm gonna try
and chuck this over there.
OK, I'm gonna make sure no one's
standing there. Yeah.
I'm standing on this now.
I'm gonna bowl it.
One, two...
Three!
Oh, it rolled back
towards the house.
Everybody, hold on to your butts.
HE GROANS
LAUGHTER
This is the grand final.
LAUGHTER
I will say that it rolled back
quite close to you. You could have
thrown it again.
Back inside, that was the end.
Four minutes left.
LAUGHTER
So close.
Same with Bob, presumably? Very...
He couldn't get to it because it was
on the ground whereas Nish could
reach it.
Ah!
You're like a
finally trained athlete though.
Because you said, "Oh no,
I fucked it!" I'm quoting there.
As it left your hands you knew,
ah, that's fucked. Yeah.
We were quite relieved when you
missed the busy road though.
LAUGHTER
I'm intrigued by your decision,
Aisling, not to throw over
the fence.
But to bowl under.
LAUGHTER
It was on a hill.
Ah!
Came back to me.
The old bowl it up a hill mistake.
Classic.
Just stop. It's the first
of the last breaks. Bye for now.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Hello!
Welcome back to the Taskmaster
grand final.
Alex, do please fill us in
on the latest gossip.
OK, one of the mums at school
was thinking of moving to Spain.
LAUGHTER
Yes, so, er, before the adverts...
LAUGHTER
Madrid. People were trying to get
a coconut as far away as possible
without touching the ground.
This is Mark Watson's attempt.
Right, so, I'll just...
I can sort of do this.
You can't now go back on the mat.
Ah, cos of the rules? Mmm.
Pity actually about that.
It's going to be fiddly, isn't it?
And of course I've left the coconut
behind.
LAUGHTER
That can be a bridge.
All right, I'm on the mat.
I tell you what, Oriel,
let's go for a whirl.
Erm...
MUFFLED GRUNTING
OK.
You all right?
Yay!
Is this all right for you?
If we can get to the river,
I'll drop it in there.
Three minutes 45.
We'll be all right.
OK, that'll do it. Thank you, Oriel.
I'm now gonna hurl the coconut
into the river.
And at that point the distance that
the coconut travels is for other
people to determine.
Fling!
APPLAUSE
I'll be thinking about it
for the rest of my life.
I don't want to exaggerate the
importance of it psychologically
but it probably will be the last
thing I think about before I die.
You might not have actually touched
the ground.
We could just check...
check the footage... Have a look.
Yeah, you did.
LAUGHTER
You lost to a complete buffoon.
LAUGHTER
Of course, it hadn't even occurred
to me that Nish has beaten you.
LAUGHTER
At least your actual coconut throw
at the end was impressive
All of it was impressive apart from
the bit where I destroyed my life.
LAUGHTER
Who's next?
Last up, it's Phillip Sallys.
LAUGHTER
I may not touch the ground
but you may touch the ground, Alex.
Yes, I can touch the ground.
I would like to ask you to take this
coconut to the post office
and post it to my friend in Fiji.
And what's in it for me?
What's in it for you?
You're demanding payment, are you?
I could tattoo you if you like.
Could draw all over your arse.
A pastoral scene.
I'll just take the coconut. Yeah?
Take the coconut to the post office?
I'll give you my credit card.
You can pay for the whole thing like
a box.
It's in my bag.
You want me to get the bag?
Go and get the bag. You're just
gonna sit on the table? I'm gonna
sit on the table.
That's the one. Maybe I'll send it
to the prime minister of Fiji.
The prime minister of Fiji.
Fourth floor, government buildings.
New Wing. Fiji.
Right. Thank you.
Good luck. Quickly. Speed.
Right, prime minister of Fiji.
The great thing about this is
it requires such little effort
from myself.
BICYCLE BELL RINGS
APPLAUSE
Amazing. Did it make it to Fiji?
No, it made it to East Cheam
post office where I was told
there was a list of restricted items
that you can send to Fiji.
LAUGHTER
Fresh fruit and flowers, roots,
crops, rice, mushrooms and coconuts.
LAUGHTER
I'm not an expert but something
tells me Fiji's probably got
coconuts covered.
LAUGHTER
Let me show you on a map
how far they all got.
There's the house, the first one
33 metres away, that's Bob.
Then we've got Aisling at the back
of the house. Little bit further.
Nish obviously
in exactly the same place.
And the river there, it's irrelevant
but that's Mark Watson's.
Then 1.1 miles away in East Cheam.
Five points to Sally.
Clearly five points!
APPLAUSE
I think it's time to see
the scores now, Alex.
It is time
and it's tight for the final.
There are three people
in third place.
Sally Phillips is in the lead
at the moment with eight points!
APPLAUSE
OK, another task, please, Alex.
Right you are, Greg.
Little warning,
this one is quite graphic.
Ooh!
WHISTLING
Whistling a happy tune for you,
Alex. Thank you, Bob.
What's the haps?
I don't know what you mean.
How you doing? Unfortunately
I'm sorry but I've dropped the task.
Not on porpoise
but I've dropped it. Ah.
It fell on the floor and then some
of my loose change fell on it.
And then some sand fell on it.
I've got this though.
What? So I have to be
like a metal detector?
Just sweep it slowly and low.
Even lower.
No, I meant the detector.
LAUGHTER
BLEEPING
There!
Got it.
Oh, thanks, Bob.
I'm not going without the cash,
though. No, that's for you.
Fancy sitting on that.
You're going to sit on the head?
SHE LAUGHS
Why not?
"Create the best graph.
You have 20 minutes,
your time starts..."
Now. (MAKES TRUMPET FANFARE SOUND)
Erm...
I caved his skull in with my arse!
OK, reiterate what the task was.
The task was create the best graph.
That's all it was.
Any sort of graph.
Graph.
(NORTHERN ACCENT) A graph.
(SOUTHERN ACCENT) Graph.
A graph.
Exactly, a graph.
This isn't a Londoncentric show.
You can say graph.
I already have said graph.
Say graph. Graph.
Say graph.
Graph.
Shall we see the funny contestants
make graphs now? OK.
This is their graph making.
Let me just remember
how a graph works.
Have you started yet?
You can't rush genius.
Hurry up.
LAUGHTER
I'm using the landscape.
Oh, do you know
omnipurpose jaws of doom graph?
I don't know that.
That's quite good.
The biggest urinators in the
British isles are the Scottish.
Why's that? That's because (SCOTTISH
ACCENT) the water's so delicious.
Argh, the graph!
How far in that direction can they
go because... Your graph.
Oh, cows don't have it easy,
or oxen, do they?
So I'll make it as big as possible.
The graph is meant to represent
all the people that have lived
and all the time there's ever been.
I find this quite disturbing.
Can I ask what units
we're talking about?
Units of piss.
Yeah.
Beach ball? Where's that?
Oh.
SHE LAUGHS
Big graph, Mark. Is it finished?
It's not finished.
To complete it, here's what we do.
I'm pretty pleased with my graph.
Nish Kumar. A 3D graph.
We can see it, this is pre labels.
As a straight line,
you're unconventional.
LAUGHTER
That vertical line
is a chubby old front.
LAUGHTER
This is what is represented
on the graph.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So the amount of time you spend with
me, the more fun you have.
I think we can all agree. Nish.
LAUGHTER
Would you like to move on to the
biggest graph of them all?
It's 60 metres by 60 metres,
it's an al fresco graph.
Here's Mark Watson's graph.
So that was taken with a drone
and for scale those little dots
at the bottom are...
Do you want to talk us through it,
Mark?
So this is a graph
of how people have voted,
which party they voted for,
but across the whole of time
and the whole of humanity ever.
It is an eternal electoral graph.
Correct me if I'm wrong, on this,
and I hope you don't mind me
saying this,
light entertainment show...
LAUGHTER
...what you've produced is a graph
that shows the pointlessness
of democracy.
LAUGHTER
Erm... not just of democracy but of
all human endeavour, basically.
But to be fair, if people are
watching Taskmaster they realise
that already.
We'd like to look at Sally's
omnipurpose jaws of doom.
Is that her graph?
Yes. Let's go.
There it is, the Y axis says Sex,
the X axis says Time.
And she's represented Want and Get
with the lines.
LAUGHTER
This is the latest in a series
of incidences with Sally
where she's made it very clear that
she wants more sex in her life.
LAUGHTER
I think it's a bit like fossil fuels
in the ozone layer.
The time for graphs has stopped and
we should huddle together and see
what we're gonna do about it.
LAUGHTER
Great. That's wonderful to hear,
thank you so much.
My work here is done, thank you.
LAUGHTER
See you all...
It's the end of part two already.
See you in a few minutes.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Great to have you back.
What was happening before that
welcome pause, Alex?
We've been seeing the competitors
designing graphs on a beach, Greg.
And now it's time to have a look at
Aisling Bea's graph.
She did this one.
This is my graph to show how many
women have been on Taskmaster
versus men.
And the men are represented
by a mannequin with a broken hand
with a pair of pants
and the women are a mess.
LAUGHTER
Just a head and a hand there.
Which is all you really need
if you're a woman.
LAUGHTER
It's a very worthy sentiment.
Is the graph any good?
Just numbers wise, you've implied
that in the first series, if you
follow the graph up
there are the same number of men and
woman and there were loads more men
then.
So graph wise... Do you know what's
the worst thing about this?
Two men are going to explain to me,
and rightly so...
LAUGHTER
...why my maths are shit!
I think it's more serious than that.
I think that graph
has done women a disservice.
LAUGHTER
I think it might have set us back,
Sal!
It's anti-feminist.
Criticising the graph,
not the sentiment.
Who's next?
It's Bob.
Fairly obvious what this represents.
LAUGHTER
On the Y axis, as we all know,
it's units of urine,
and on the X
it's the counties of Britain.
LAUGHTER
If you're thinking of collecting
vast amounts of piss,
go up to Dumfries and Galloway.
If you only want small amounts,
eg for household use...
LAUGHTER
...you might like to consider
East Sussex.
How did you get these statistics?
Absolutely accurate
cos I was looking into purchasing
gallons of piss.
LAUGHTER
Cos I was in dispute
with the Woolwich Ferry man.
I thought, fuck it,
I'll fill his boat with piss.
LAUGHTER
Where do I need to go?
LAUGHTER
So people in Dumfries and Galloway
piss about ten times as much...
They literally cannot stop.
LAUGHTER
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) I only had time
to stop for the one Scotch pie
and then the stream started.
LAUGHTER
What a life we have!
The Gulf Stream passes
past Dumfries and Galloway
and I was told that's the reason why
they produce so much urine.
You were quite adamant at the time
it wasn't average per person,
this is total amount and Dumfries
is not a big county. Not at all.
Yeah, an awful lot, and as you were
doing it, you said, "When you know
the facts, lock themdown."
LAUGHTER
If I have to die and the final thing
in my head is the image of Bob
Mortimer
harvesting piss to exact revenge
on the owner of a boat...
LAUGHTER
...that will do, mate, that will do.
That would be a great way to go.
I'm gonna make a quick judgement
on this. I can't draw much of a
distinction
between Aisling's feminist crusade,
Sally's cry for hot action,
and Mark's er...
God, I can't even remember
what Mark's was!
LAUGHTER
Those three together. Joint third.
OK.
And this is going to surprise you.
Mm-hm.
I'm going to put Bob's piss graph
in second place.
Purely because Birmingham
was on there and I come from near
Birmingham
and I piss like a big old whale.
LAUGHTER
That's true.
APPLAUSE
So, erm, for one of very few
occasions... He's doing very badly
in the show so far.
Oh God, across the series
he's been truly awful.
But the sheer simplicity
of his chubby fun graph,
Nish Kumar wins this round!
CHEERING
Right, Greg, we've got a very quick
task now for not all of you.
SHE LAUGHS
"Make the most fish puns. Most fish
puns wins. You have one minute.
Your time starts now."
Er... puns.
Stop carping on.
Er... Er...
Cod do this.
Can you make lots of fish puns?
I trout it.
I trout it very much.
I've got my herring a bun.
My herring a bun.
# I can sing a rainbow trout,
sing a rainbow trout
# Sing a rainbow trout too
Er... He's not very tuna-ful.
Er...
Minnow understand English.
LAUGHTER
Angelfish.
Send in the clownfish.
That's not really a pun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
APPLAUSE
I thought you'd all done it.
I'm confused, Alex, because did you
only ask Sally to do it?
She didn't do it by herself.
She was up against me.
I've also tried to get as many fish
puns as possible in one minute.
OK.
Wanna see how I did?
Er, yeah.
OK.
This is my go.
I don't want to carp on about it
but I'm worried they might be...
Congratulations.
It's a lovely plaice, though,
isn't it? Beautiful place.
You used a tuna baked beans.
Tin of baked beans.
I can get you something to perch on.
There are three tasks
in a roe for you there.
Let minnow when to place it.
Smell it?
Urgh, I've already got a haddock.
Headache.
How does it feel? Fine.
Feel a little bit tench but fine.
Very off-fish-ial.
I haven't got very good herring.
But I heard you OK.
I'm sorry but I've dropped the task.
Not on porpoise but I've dropped it.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So Alex took it upon himself to go
into secret competition with Sally.
Yeah, I tried really hard every time
we spoke to say a fish word, did you
notice?
I just thought you were bad
at speaking!
LAUGHTER
This means we can look at the
scoreboard. The scoreboard looks
like this.
So Nish Kumar is the joint leader
with Sally Phillips!
Yes!
CHEERING
THEY SQUEAL
I'll tell you what, you can get your
face off that scoreboard for a
start.
We'll batter you to death
with an iron bar.
Better, OK.
Last location task of the series
then. That's right.
And we're gonna end with a song.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Yo. How are you?
Hello.
Hello!
Hello.
Do we...
Do we strike you?
LAUGHTER
Shall I take the task?
Would you like to?
Yes, I suppose so, yeah.
I'll take the task. Thank you.
We can so do this.
"Write and perform a song
about this woman."
"Best song wins."
"You have five minutes
to talk to the woman."
"Then 30 minutes
to write her a song."
Time starts now so we need to gather
as much information as we can. Hi.
So what's your name?
Rosalind.
Where are you from originally?
Southport.
What do you do for a living?
Japanese translator.
Do you have children?
Yes, two sons.
Two? Are they good men?
Yes.
They're a bit inept at things
but that's fine.
What do you do to pass the time? I'm
an athletics official, track judge,
and I do long jumping.
Long jumper!
Who's your favourite band of all
time? Good idea. Might lead us to
some music.
Ooh, I like Mozart. Mozart? Mozart?
One of my favourite bands as well.
Have you stolen much in your life?
When I was about ten
I used to do a bit of sweetie
shoplifting with my best friend
Elaine.
I also play the cello.
Great.
Do you play cello with anyone?
A string quartet, yeah.
My husband and a couple of friends.
And what's the name of your...
My husband is called Alan.
And did you do it in public
or just...
It's not people sitting in rows
watching, it's... just the sound.
Do you eat meat?
As long as it's kosher.
What's your favourite meat?
Chicken, I suppose.
What's your favourite film?
Oh, Hangover 1 and 2.
Favourite food?
Beans on toast. Quite right.
Are the other two in the string
quartet, are they a couple as well?
They used to be then one got
septicaemia so he lost the use
of three fingers in his left hand.
Would you like to be able to fly?
No.
WHISTLE
APPLAUSE
Bob's first four questions...
Do we strike you?
LAUGHTER
Have you ever stolen?
LAUGHTER
What is your favourite meat?
LAUGHTER
Would you like to be able to fly?
LAUGHTER
Thankfully he had teammates
to take up the slack.
Do you want to see Mark and Nish
first? Yes, I do, please.
OK, so this, for the first time
ever, is Mark and Nish's song
for a stranger.
Hello, Great Britain!
Hello.
How you all feeling out there?
We're all fine, thank you.
Now's the time you've all been
waiting for. The band!
Good evening, London!
We are The Diverse Stripes.
I am Jack Brown,
and this is my wife's sister Mark.
LAUGHTER
This is called I'm Always Seeing
You, open brackets, Do Cool Stuff,
closed brackets.
All right,
and one, two, three, four.
LAUGHTER
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
Two, three, four!
MARK HARMONISES
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
Something in my eye!
I mean, unbelievable.
Who'd have thought Mark Watson
was a drummer!
I think you may have just shaken off
the whole heron thing!
LAUGHTER
I had no idea Nish could sing
or play guitar.
That was a miracle, I think.
LAUGHTER
And all that time she just sat
there, absolutely no expression
on her face.
LAUGHTER
This is the first time in an entire
series where I've got nothing
negative to say about you.
Congratulations
on your brilliant song!
APPLAUSE
I'm afraid the end is nigh.
See you soon for the final part
of the show
when we find out who has won
both episode and series!
APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome back to the final
part of the grand final.
We ride this wave now
till the end of the credits.
Over to you, Alex,
please bring us up to speed.
I will. They're writing songs
for a stranger.
A multi-faceted stranger
called Rosalind.
We've heard Mark and Nish's
affectionate tune.
Now we're gonna hear Aisling,
Bob and Sally's er...
This is their song.
Hello, lady...
Welcome to Taskonbury Festival.
They've got soul.
You know then as The POC.
Here they are!
Woo!
Hello, Taskonbury!
Hello. Hello!
Welcome. Nice to see you all.
Erm, wow, what a rush.
We are...
(ALL) Products of Conception.
And we're delighted to bring you
here today our debut track
which is called...
Quite Good, Considering. Quite Good,
Considering. Let's have the music.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
Thank you!
You can sing harmonies!
I can't sing.
Not too bad.
Not too bad!
Very different.
Very different takes
on the same woman.
That is one of the bravest lines
in rock history.
Rosalind is a fucking nightmare!
LAUGHTER
Is Rosalind here?
Oh my God!
CHEERING
You'd never met her before.
Never met her since.
But we captured the essence of her.
LAUGHTER
I really, really loved Mark
and Nish's song.
I thought
it was genuinely beautiful.
It also really delighted me
hearing a very nice woman Rosalind
as a fucking nightmare.
Honestly, because I genuinely
thought I saw a tear in Mark's eye,
I'm gonna give three points to Nish
and Mark and two points to the other
three.
CHEERING
Well, please all head to the stage
for the final task of the series!
CHEERING
Here we are then,
this looks pretty straightforward.
Who's going to read the task out?
Sally Phillips. Hello, Sally.
Hi.
The final task of the series.
Privilege and a pleasure.
"Throw your egg, bonjour,
through the hoop and catch it
as many times as possible.
You may not touch the net or post.
Most successful hoop catch
combo wins.
You have 100 seconds and one egg."
Thank you, Sally. Just to make it
clear to everybody, Mark,
if you drop the egg, it's over.
The entire egg
has to go through the hoop.
So once the egg is broken
you're done.
So you can't touch the net
or the hoop.
You've just got to throw that egg
through as many times as you can.
Your time starts...
BLOWS WHISTLE
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
AUDIENCE SHOUTS
CHEERING
LAUGHTER
Go again, Bob, go again.
AUDIENCE SHOUTS
AUDIENCE CHANTS AND CLAPS
CHEERING
WHISTLE
There we go.
CHEERING
Come down here and we'll see how
that's affected the final scores!
Talk me through the egg catching,
then, Alex.
We know the winner of this task
was Mr Bob Mortimer!
CHEERING
And we know these three
unfortunately didn't get any eggs
or points.
Sally caught the egg but it didn't
go entirely through the hoop.
Would you like to put her
in second place?
Hmm.
LAUGHTER
Yes, I believe I would.
Yay!
Which means the final scoreboard
looks like this!
Sally just pips Bob. Sally wins
all the awkward things to take home!
Yes, oh, please go and get them!
CHEERING
Let's hear it one more time
for Sally!
CHEERING
Whoa!
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
It's the moment that every single
person in the world has been
waiting for.
The time to crown
our glorious champion.
This series
has seen so many Taskmaster firsts.
There's been the birth
of a fully grown adult.
An intimate car boot cuddle.
The invention of Kumarmite.
The cutlery-based fourth instalment
of the taken film franchise Tuck.
And I've received some sordid
text messages from a heron.
But now...
it's over to Alex to announce
the final series scores.
Nish got triple figures,
Nish got 107.
CHEERING
The rest did much better.
LAUGHTER
And we have Aisling Bea on 126!
CHEERING
Sally... Sally Phillips
and Mark Watson on 130 points!
CHEERING
The winner is Mr Bob Mortimer!
CHEERING
Ladies and gentlemen, the champion
of the fifth series of Taskmaster
is Bob Mortimer.
CHEERING
Well done, everybody,
thank you to our contestants
but especially to our phenomenal
victor Bob Mortimer!
CHEERING
Thank you for watching, everybody!
CHEERING
Good night!
# Gonna serve you beans on toast
# Well, it's a fantasy,
it's nothing but a boast
# You come from Southport,
I live miles away in Balham
# I'm a coward
and I feel all right about it
# I'm always seeing you
do good stuff
# Try my best but it's never
# Good enough #
CHEERING
Subtitles by Ericsson