Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - Boing Boing - full transcript
The guests go all Hansel and Gretel, leaving a trail of breadcrumbs, along with doing equally wacky tasks.
Aaagh!
Oh, my God!
Whoa!
Yes! Help!
Aagh! Oh, yeah.
APPLAUSE
Thank you for the clapping. I'm
Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
It's the semi-final which means our
five contestants are running out of
time to win crucial Taskmaster points
which could change their lives
for ever.
Whoever wins this series
is guaranteed immortality
through the title
of Series Champion of Taskmaster,
so let's meet the people
still clinging on to the hope
of winning this almighty cranium.
With an average professional age
of 41,
our contenders are...
Aisling Bea!
CHEERING
Bob Mortimer!
CHEERING
Mark Watson!
CHEERING
Nish Kumar!
CHEERING
And Sally Phillips!
CHEERING
And forever needlessly loitering,
little Alex Horne!
CHEERING
Thank you.
Thank you. You are looking
especially smug tonight.
Thank you. It's a compliment.
I am. I've had a good day.
I've made some home improvements
to the place where you let me live.
And I found out you can put
a loo roll dispenser in any room.
Right. Any room. It doesn't have
to be in the toilet. I've got one in
the kitchen, the car and one here.
I just feel very... What
are you planning to use that for?
It's just in case, isn't it?
I mean, if you make mess here, I'm
gonna clear it up with your beard.
What is the prize category this week?
Great question. Well,
it's a big one. Drum roll, please.
SILENCE
Today, we've asked them...
LAUGHTER
Today, we've asked them to bring in
the most surprisingly expensive
item. Surprisingly expensive.
It's up to you, Greg, to decide
who has brought in the most
surprisingly expensive item.
At the end of the show, the person
with the most points will take home
the surprisingly expensive items.
We'll find out how much they cost,
then I'll look at your face to see
how surprised you were.That works.
Who shall we start with? Drum roll.
DRUM ROLL
LAUGHTER
Aisling Bea!
Oh, I won. I can't believe I won!
There was this one occasion
where I had to fly to Belfast
at six o'clock in the morning
and I had 13 minutes
before I had to get on the flight
and I was so tired that I bought
access for a 13-minute nap
to the business lounge
in Belfast Airport.
OK. So, for a minute to the pound,
it was the most expensive thing
I've ever bought.
We can see the voucher. How
surprising the business lounge costs.
To the Causeway Lounge Complimentary
Access at Belfast Airport.
How much do you think
complimentary access
to the Causeway Lounge would cost?
All I can say is how much
I would pay and I would pay £40.
Oh... Oh...
It cost £25. Shall I do my facial
reaction to that? Let's have a look.
Can we move on to Nish?
Yes, please. OK, Nish?
I have brought in 100 euros
because it is
surprisingly expensive now
to buy 100 euros.
Well, let's see how surprising it is.
I travel to Spain regularly.
Yes, you do.
And I would have guessed late 80s?
No, it's 91. I would have said 88,
so I'll give you my surprised face.
Who's next?
LAUGHTER
Bob. Bob. Bob. Hi, I've brought in
my World Cup 2014...
football players sticker book.
Let's have a look at it.
Oh! Very nice.
It would cost an average of £374
to fill the whole thing.
Whoa! If you get lucky, £68 is
the minimum you can spend, but the
average person spends nearly£400.
I'm gonna say that that is worth
20 English pounds.
We've had it valued
at 10 English pounds.
Who's next? Sally Phillips.
I've brought you a human turd.
LAUGHTER
OK, let's just go straight
to the face, shall we?
I brought you
one of Bob Mortimer's turds.
This is gonna take some unravelling,
isn't it?
It's going to be
professionally dried out
and placed within a resin sphere
and be just like one of the exhibits
in the National Poo Museum on the
Isle of Wight. That's allcorrect.
I brought an example.
This is what it will look like.
This is a fox one which most closely
resembles a human one.
Oh, dear!
How much do you think the process
of freeze-drying it, then turning it
into a resin ball would cost? £199.
Get ready for my reaction.
The process would cost £800.
LAUGHTER
£800 to do a fox poo,
but this is a Mortimer poo.
His conservative estimate,
the value of Bob's poo,
is between 10 and 15K.
LAUGHTER
Whoa!
I see.
Can I have one too?
No. That's the last I'm giving away.
Who's left? Mark?
Mine's a gate. My kids...
A what? A gate. A gate?
A garden gate, yes.
My kids like to play in the garden
and it adjoins one of
these communal gardens that you get.
We can see it.
We've got an image. Yeah.
Right, let's not mess around.
£88 for the gate, labour £75.
I've written down here £18,000.
What?! What?!
Well...
It looks like he's gonna throw up.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
The communal garden is jointly owned
by a residents' association,
so if you want a gate
that goes on to it,
you have to pay a three-year fee
to join that residents' association.
This is like madness, Mark.
When we win this prize,
do we win access to the garden?
The funny thing is you do, yeah.
What is your decision?
This is my decision.
I've got a television,
so I know how much the euro is worth,
Nish. Congratulations.
You take your special
traditional role as coming last.
Aisling and Bob, I was quite
surprised by the final price...
It was more how much they spent
per minute napping or per sticker.
If it's all right,
I might put them joint next.
And I can't believe it, I don't know
why I'm putting Bob Mortimer's turd
in second place, but I am.
I'm going to put it in second place
because I've just seen the hurt
in Mark "£18,000 gate" Watson's eyes.
I need this. So I have to give in
to it. Mark Watson wins this round.
APPLAUSE
And we're off. Five points...
Right, we're rolling. What's first?
It's this task precisely here.
Hello, Bob.
Hello, Alex. Hello, Aisling.
Why have you brought me
to this bloody shithole?
Please can I put a blindfold on you?
I can't see a thing now.
How many fingers am I holding up?
I can't see that, for example.
Ten. Great.
It was just one. It is just one,
so now I don't know what to do.
We'll go for a little walk.
I'll hold your hand.
Is that all right? I'd love that.
Just a little jump here.
With me, one, two, three.
That's it.
And a really big jump now. Yeah. Go.
That's better.
A bit higher. That's it.
Some bread. You're gonna ask me
to feed the ducks?
"Wearing that blindfold at
all times..." Yes. "..travel as far
as possible in three minutes."
"Alex will be at your side
at all times because he is a strong,
independent, handsome man." Right.
OK, I feel like
you've thrown that in. Thank you.
"On removing the blindfold, you will
then have another three minutes
"to retrace your steps
to your starting position."
That's here. Oh, right.
"Longest successful retracing
of steps wins."
Do I have to keep my feet
on the ground?
LAUGHTER
Yes, she had a tactic. Some of them
did, some of them didn't.
The idea...
LAUGHTER
They had three minutes to get as far
as they could, but they had to get
back to the spot where they started,
so you could take one step and you'd
get back to where you were, but
that's not a very long distance. No.
SALLY STILL LAUGHING
Which of our highly intelligent gang
are we going to see first?
We're gonna save Sally for a bit.
LAUGHTER
We'll start with Bob.
Are you ready?
Good. Your time...
BOB LAUGHS
Your time starts...
WHISTLE BLOWS
I'm gonna put a piece of bread...
I'm gonna take what I think
is the bottom of it off.
I quite like the idea
of having this...shape.
One... No, I'll take...
Drops a bit of bread.
I'm doing it very traditionally
here, I suppose,
but I can't think of any other way.
WHISTLE BLOWS
I'm gonna remain here.
You've got 30 seconds...
I didn't come through there. You've
got three minutes to retrace your
steps. Thanks. Your time starts now.
Oh, fuck. I never got through there.
One, two, three, four, five...
One, two, three, four, five.
Have you retraced your steps, Bob?
I have.
And that is where I wish
to be buried.
There you are,
that comes with age and experience.
APPLAUSE
That, I believe, is the traditional
cry of the Middlesbrough peat man.
Bury me.
It was like a little adventure,
that. It was great.
You travelled 54 metres
and got back to pretty much
exactly the right spot.
You could do what you wanted
with the bread. You left a trail.
Who wouldn't leave a trail?
Oh, I imagine most of them.
Let's stop there for now.
You have three minutes to do
something valuable with your life.
Goodbye for now.
APPLAUSE
Hello and, um...welcome back.
It's part two
and Alex is just desperate
to fill us in on the latest.
The current task involves getting as
far as you can whilst blindfolded,
then retracing your steps.
Bob made it look easy. Shall we see
Mark and Aisling next? Yes, let's.
WHISTLE BLOWS
I think the only way to do this
is to walk in what I believe to be
a completely straight line.
That's not very nice, is it? OK,
Alex, how's your back? Here we go.
OK, go straight that way. OK.
What's the slice of bread for?
Is that just one of those things?
Ah, breadcrumbs. I could leave
a trail of breadcrumbs.
Put me down for a second.
I've just realised the point
of the toast.
I should have put the toast down
where I started.
You've got one minute and ten
seconds to go. In that case, time
to be more liberal with the bread.
Ow! Ow, ow!
Put bread.
Just be aware now, I would.
Yes, I see what you mean.
Well, I don't see anything at all.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, that was so tiring! Was it?
Thank God I had these handy little
crumbs to keep me... When I blow the
whistle, you've got three minutes
to work out where we started from.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Now, where's the bread?
Where's the bread?
In that dog?
I found this old Quavers bag
full of water.
We must be close.
LAUGHTER
Is that where you think you started?
Well, roughly. Why roughly?
Because the blindfold made it
very hard to know, in all fairness.
This is where we started? Yeah.
Thank you, Aisling. Thank you, Alex.
Goodbye.
APPLAUSE
I love to see Alex physically
punished. Of course. So that was
a big tick in your favour.
But the bread realisation came late.
Yes, and I had a munch at the start
to have enough energy for the task.
I didn't have much toast left.
It was the furthest
I've ever carried an adult.
My previous record was 120 metres.
I had to take an aunt
across a car park at a wedding.
We can see on a map how far
I carried Aisling. She travelled 200
metres. That's where she started.
Then she staggered back in that
direction but didn't get far enough,
so she ended up only 64 metres away
from the starting point.
In the right direction? In the right
direction. Which in life is not bad.
We can compare that to Mark.
Not bad at all.
Mark walked 70 metres south-west.
He then should have gone north-east
but he carried on going south-west.
So he ended up 140 metres away
from the start.
As you saw, I couldn't find
any of the bread. It makes sense
because it wasn't there.
It wasn't there because, and this is
incredible, Mark, and absolutely
indicative of your luck on this show,
your bread was eaten by a dog.
LAUGHTER
Who's next?
Next are two of our most intelligent
individuals, Sally and Nish.
WHISTLE BLOWS
I wish I was confident enough
to run. You're running.
Oi! There was a ditch there, Nish.
A bit rougher ground here.
40. I'm counting my steps. 41, 42.
I have to warn you... Stop!
67 and then turn to the right.
One, two, three, four, five, six...
Is this bread for any purpose?
A bit bumpy here.
Ten more seconds. Be careful.
Ow, ow, ow!
WHISTLE BLOWS
OK, you've got three minutes to get
back to your starting positon.
I've literally no...
I think I got to here and stopped.
Yes, this is where you stopped.
SHE LAUGHS
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
I think it's over...
I did like...
SHE SIGHS
You've got one minute left, Nish.
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
OK, I think... I didn't go that far.
I think it was...
Hmm.
You've got ten more seconds, Sally.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Why did I not use the bread?
APPLAUSE
I want to start by asking you both
a very specific question.
What did you think the bread was for?
Holding, Gregory!
Sally?
At the end, I went, "Shit, I should
have used this as a compass!"
LAUGHTER
I think the thing
that startled me about you, Nish,
is if you've got a pet dog at home
and you blow in its face,
it absolutely baffles a dog,
absolutely confuses it,
and that was Nish's face
throughout this entire task.
The bread seemed to weigh you down
because when you walked,
you just went in a circle.
You took 300 paces,
but travelled 15 metres.
Do you want to see some stats? Yeah.
Sally travelled 220 metres, then
headed back in the right direction.
She ended up just 74 metres away.
Not bad. Not too bad.
She ran all over...
Oh, my God! More by luck
than judgment. That's really good.
Let's have a look at...
Nish ended up just 15 metres
from the starting point,
then walked 180 metres
in the wrong direction,
so ended up 195 metres away.
But it's one point to Nish,
two to Mark, three to Sally, four
to Aisling and five to Bob Mortimer!
APPLAUSE
Let's have our first look at the
scoreboard at this juncture, Alex.
There's a three-way tie for
second place and Bob is one point
ahead of them, so Bob's in the lead.
APPLAUSE
Alex Horne, what's next?
OK, we're gonna have the Taskmaster
equivalent of the Winter Olympics.
Oh, shit!
Uh-oh! I already know
I'm going to be brilliant at this.
I don't know, really.
I don't know about this already.
This looks scary.
Hello, Bob. Hi there.
"Muster the biggest coconut
bobsleigh team.
"Most coconut bobsleigh team members
still on board...
"..when their bobsleigh
comes to a halt wins.
"You may only use items in
the caravan to secure your coconuts.
"You'll be disqualified
if you use any item used
by another contestant."
Impossible to know
what they've used, of course.
"You have 20 minutes
and one attempt.
"Your time starts now."
To the caravan!
APPLAUSE
It is amazing how some games on this
show can just give us a brief window
into the souls of the competitors.
I've written down everything
that they said. Bob said nothing.
He just got on with it.
Aisling said, "I already know
I'm going to be brilliant at this,"
which is incredible.
Mark said, "I don't know about this."
Sally said, "This looks scary."
And Nish went, "Oh, shit!"
Who are we going to see first?
We'll have a look first, just to see
how to do it, Mark Watson. Oh, dear.
By coincidence,
there's a coconut harness in here.
If you deployed this correctly, you
could put quite a lot of coconuts
in it and tape it to the skateboard.
This is like a prisoner's dilemma.
We might all think everyone's
gonna do it, then no-one doesit.
Let's think. There's plenty of time.
There's an apron here. I don't...
Ah, Blu-Tack!
I found some blue tape. Basically,
it's about going completely virgin
and shoving all the coconuts on
and hoping for the best which is not
the worst way of doing it.
There we go. Now,
that's what we don't want to happen.
That's more than you'd have in a
real bobsleigh team. This is heavy!
It mustn't upturn.
If it upturns, we do have a problem.
And stay on, stay on, stay on!
Stay on, stay on!
I'll take it, I'll take it.
Well done, boys.
If anyone gets disqualified,
then I've beaten them.
Well, thank you, Mark. Well, thank
you for the opportunity. Bye-bye.
APPLAUSE
That was some pretty powerful
motivational shit you were shouting.
I thought more of them would stay on
if I yelled that at them, but we'll
never know. Just "stay on" as well.
Sometimes I say it to myself
when I'm trying to...
LAUGHTER
It didn't have to cross
the finishing line. It was when
the skateboard came to a halt.
He put 19 on. The harness
would have held 18. Two stayed on.
I admit it's not a great score.
We'll see. It's a score, though.
It's a score.
I'm hoping
that maybe someone didn't do that.
Beep! Yes, that's the end
of part two. Bye!
APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Part three, Alex.
Thank you, Greg.
Hello, my name is Alex Horne.
I'm gonna be 40 next year.
The brave contestants are trying
to send as many coconuts down a ramp
on a skateboard as possible,
the goal to have the most coconuts
on the board once it stops.
If they use the same items to secure
their coconuts as anyone else,
they'll be disqualified.
We're gonna see Nish and Aisling
now.
Whoa!
Can I put the coconuts
in this thing? What is that?
A coconut harness. I suppose so.
How do I know if other people have
used it? Do you think they might use
the coconut harness? Yeah, probably.
I'm definitely gonna use
some of this fire hydrant stuff.
That'll be sticky, won't it, Alex?
What if someone has used this?
Oh, God, this game is so hard!
So I'm creating a larger surface
area, Alex, to put the coconuts on.
I assume that's fine, Alex.
As long as no-one else uses it.
God, I hate this game!
I just want to make, like,
a sort of barrier,
so the coconuts don't fall off.
There's a banana barrier?
It doesn't quite fit.
How does this work then?
"Pull off the ring, use upright,
aim at base of fire."
See if that works.
I think... Aagh! Quick, get it on
the thing. Don't waste it on that.
Ah, Alex, you've ruined it!
Oh, God, it's so heavy!
Oh! It is bloody heavy.
Oh, God! It's not gonna work.
We have the classic underdog.
Sometimes in life...
you have to dare to dream.
For Ireland
is the greatest bobsleigh country
in the wo-o-orld!
Go on, lads!
Keep going!
Ireland's the greatest country
in the wo-o-orld...
..o-o-orld!
Yeah!
APPLAUSE
She said she'd be good and I thought
Aisling absolutely smashed that!
Yeah. Thanks, Greg. A compliment.
And I think that is the first ever
use of the banana barrier.
I think you may own...
LAUGHTER
You may own the banana barrier.
It also is bio-degradable, edible.
After you've finished using it,
you just go back and eat it.
You do. Yeah. Nish... Yes, hello.
What a great achievement I had as
well! You started off brilliantly.
It looked like you'd get the whole
team down. He put 35 in. No-one
so far has used the same item.
13 stayed on. Unlucky 13.
13 alive. 13 alive. Unlucky number.
And how many did Aisling get?
14.
Oh, suspense, Nishy!
You should have held your boys in
with fruit.
LAUGHTER
Not the first time
that's been said to me.
Who are we gonna see now, Alex?
Bob and Sally now. Whoo!
Only one attempt? Yeah.
So I can't test this on there?
You can test, but when you're doing
your attempt, that will be the one.
I might just... I might just...
I might just...
LAUGHTER
I'll go and have a look
in the caravan.
Well, I have a plan, people.
I have a plan.
Coconut harness.
Yeah, it's so tempting.
If I use that, I'm disqualified,
everyone will think that,
so should I just use it
and we can all move on, you know?
I don't know whether I should just
do this one and not try to be
clever... OK, I've got a plan.
You've taken down my curtain? Yeah.
Now I'm thinking
everyone's gonna use the curtain.
So they're going in the curtain?
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, they are heavy.
Shit!
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
Good luck, Bob. Thank you.
It's not me being a shithouse.
I can't get any...
That's my attempt.
Thanks, Bob.
APPLAUSE
I see myself coming down that ramp
with all the coconuts
in a beige, velour curtain bag
like some kind of sick Santa.
Uh-oh! No!
Right...
Aaah, yes, OK.
CRIES OF EXERTION
Right, now,
I just need to... Here we go.
Yea-ea-eah!
APPLAUSE
I mean, that has got to stick
in your craw, hasn't it?
Honestly, I'm just thrilled
that my mind works sometimes
in the same way
as the venerable Bob Mortimer's.
Hey, Greg,
would you have allowed it?
Would I have allowed yours?
Either of them.
I would have allowed Sally's.
The coconuts were on the skateboard.
And mine were beside the skateboard.
LAUGHTER
Sometimes my job gets done for me.
Bob and Sally don't get any points,
then it goes Mark with three, Nish
with four, Aisling wins the task!
APPLAUSE
Come on, Ireland!
What do we have coming up next?
I'm afraid we're gonna mess
with Nish's brain again.
It's another bloody referendum. Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Just trying to look natural
on camera.
This does not look authorised.
"Vote for which contestant you think
should receive five bonus points.
"The contestant who receives
the most votes will receive
five bonus points.
"You may vote for yourself.
"If, however, you vote for yourself
and fail to receive most votes,
you will lose two points."
There's a polling booth there.
That's convenient, actually.
You see, if I vote for myself,
I'm at risk.
On the other hand,
I do think I should receive
all the bonus points.
The guys will all vote
for themselves, except Bob,
who is a kind of wild card,
and Aisling and I will vote
for other people.
I've cast my vote.
Done.
Democracy!
APPLAUSE
They're voting for someone
to get five bonus points,
so the tactic is to vote for who
you think is the weakest person
to improve their score.
Sally voted for Bob,
Bob voted for Sally. Aw!
Aisling also voted for Sally.
So far no-one's voted
for themselves.
What do you think Mark and Nish did?
LAUGHTER
They voted for themselves. What
Sally said came true. Sally gets
five points, they lose two points.
APPLAUSE
It was incredible.
The scoreboard now looks very even.
Sally and Aisling are both
at the top, followed by Mark and
Bob, and there's Nish. There we go.
APPLAUSE
That is fast becoming the subtitle
of this series - "and there's Nish".
OK, we've got time for another one,
right? Jolly good. Here you go.
Bonjour, Alex. Hello, Aisling.
Right, fine, don't reply
in the language I came in with.
Hello, Sally.
Hi. Is this an art task?
I'm wearing "day of the week" socks,
but it's the wrong day.
I don't give an S.
Primary school feeling, vibe.
OK. Just saying.
Was it a happy time? For me? Yeah.
My first day wasn't. Someone
had done a poo in the sandpit.
LAUGHTER
"Make a funny little
flick-book film.
"The mat beneath your feet...
is the paper.
"The camera above your head
will take photos of your paper.
The funniest flick-book film wins.
"You have one hour.
Now flick the flick-book."
"Your time start...your time sta...
your time s...your time...you..."
I did it backwards, didn't I, Alex?
LAUGHTER
Who shat in the sandpit? I'll never
know. I remember it was sweet.
I mean, at that age,
something brown and cylindrical,
it's going in, isn't it? Pop it in.
So we're going to see Bob's first
who did an instructional video
on how to peel a banana.
APPLAUSE
I don't believe it. I loved that.
We have made it into a flick-book.
There it is. That's a work of art.
It's technically excellent.
Really satisfying, Bob. It really was
exceptional. Who's next?
Do you want to see Sally's one?
Oh, yes. OK, this is Sally's.
MIAOW
Le chat est boing-boing.
Le chat est boing-boing.
Le chat est boing-boing.
Oh, le chapeau! Uh-oh!
Attention au chapeau.
C'est dangereux.
Oh, non. Oh, non, petit chat!
Le chapeau!
Le chat a ete mange par le chapeau.
Uh-oh! Fin.
APPLAUSE
I could translate it
while you flick.
If you could translate it
into English, I'll get
a full understanding of the film.
"The cat is boing-boing. The cat is
boing-boing. Watch out for the hat.
"The hat is dangerous.
Oh, no, little cat, the hat! The cat
has been eaten by the hat. Uh-oh!"
It's better in French. "End." Oh,
sorry, "end". If you eat bananas,
the "chat" definitely boing-boinged!
A quick break, one part to go,
and that features the live tasks,
so until then or perhaps for ever,
goodbye, everyone.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back
to every single one of you.
What were we doing before the break?
We were having a good old flick.
Who's next? Do you want
to have a look at Aisling?
Yes, please.
OK, this is more complicated. Hmm.
DOG PANTING
APPLAUSE
It is complicated.
I wonder, if I may, drill down
into the narrative because I do think
this is an allegory. Yes.
My perception is that you think that
love is jumping at the wrong man,
him deflecting you,
and by chance you ending
in the arms of the right man
and then you're forced to eat shit.
Yeah, that's actually it, yeah. Ring
my mother. She'll tell you that's
pretty much my relationship history.
When you meet the right guy, you
think, "This is gonna be amazing."
They're like, "No,
I've brought all my past issues!"
In the form of dog shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. "From
this other bitch I was seeing."
Who's next, Alex?
Two left to see and first
of the last to see is Mark Watson.
APPLAUSE
Well, you should all know
that Mark and Alex have been friends
for 20 years, so...
And most of it's been like that.
There was some real beauty there.
It was a simple story of friends
getting together, sharing
some experiences, falling out
because of the selfishness of one of
them and that friend atoning for it.
With a kiwi fruit?
The traditional method.
And you ate the kiwi fruit together?
We did. There was a slight
homo-erotic undertone. Slight?
That stuff does really well
at the box office.
Oh? I thought it was really touching
and I loved the way we could see
your pants all throughout.
Le chat est dans le pantalon.
LAUGHTER
We are going to see the "chat" one
more time if that's all right. Yeah.
We'll see the final film, Nish, who
featured "le chatty-bonbon". Oui.
APPLAUSE
Ou est le chat?
Le chat est dans le Nish.
That is an absolutely savage piece
of film-making.
I can barely separate them, but if
I had to, purely on artistic merit,
if I were to give two films the edge,
I would give Bob and Nish's
pieces of work the edge.
They were technically very
proficient, so five points to them?
Five points to them, then the other
three, who I also hugely enjoyed,
I'd give three points each.
So we've got two first places
and three third places.
APPLAUSE
Oh, God, do you know what?
I've just been wondering
what the series scores are like.
I've got them here. It is tight.
We've got Nish Kumar on 90. Yes!
Then we jump up a bit.
We've got Sally...
LAUGHTER
Sally's on 112.
Aisling on 114, Mark 115, Bob 117.
It's within five points.
APPLAUSE
It's between Aisling and Sally
in this episode,
15 points each at this stage.
One task to go.
APPLAUSE
Please head to the stage
for the final task of the show!
CHEERING
Hello, Greg. Hello, Alex.
Would you please tell me who's going
to read out tonight's final task?
It's going to be Aisling Bea. Oh!
Thank you, sir.
Perfect.
"Send the most things
to the Taskmaster.
"Items must travel via zipline
and land on your segment
of the Taskmaster's table.
"You may not move
from your current position.
"You have...100 seconds!"
OK, I'll blow the whistle to start.
You were very dramatic.
I realise I'm not a very dramatic
person. OK, you've got 100 seconds.
Good luck. Your time starts...
BLOWS WHISTLE
Stay on the mat, please, Aisling.
Stay on the mat, Bob. Sorry.
Do stay on the mat. Do stay on
the mat. Oh, how has he done that?
Bob Mortimer, basket in.
Oh, we've got a problem here.
You must stay on the mat.
Can I get the wire? She let go of it,
but she must stay on the mat.
Come on, the bra! No!
Fuck off!
Oh, oh...
Yeah.
She's on the mat.
An audience member has got involved.
You've got 35 seconds left.
35 seconds.
Come on, shoe!
Damn you, damn you!
See you in hell!
Why can't I get the coat-hanger
on there? Come on, you prick!
LAUGHTER
They must travel via the zipwire.
Stay on your mat, Aisling. Come on,
you prick! Stay on your mat.
Come on, you stupid monkey's prick!
Five seconds left. Come on!
Three seconds left.
Two, one...
BLOWS WHISTLE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come down and we'll see
how that's affected the final scores.
CHEERING
Well...
Varying degrees of skill there, Alex.
I was very concerned
for your safety, Greg.
Yes, so was I, Nish.
LAUGHTER
Sometimes you get caught up in
the heat of the moment and you chuck
a coconut at a massive whitedude.
Unacceptable. Nul points.
I thought it was
a lovely juxtaposition.
At one point, Bob was just very
delicately sending paper clips down
and very effectively,
and just to his right,
Aisling was shouting,
"Get down there, you monkey prick!"
LAUGHTER
How did Mark do? Mark did pretty
well. He got five things down.
How did you get the balloons down?
In the little basket. He put
the balloons in the little basket.
Everyone had a nice run with the
basket. Not Sally because she dropped
the rope. So no points for Sally?
It depends. Are you disqualifying
Nish for throwing coconuts at you?
No, I'm not going to disqualify Nish
because, let's face it,
the guy's broken.
So it's Sally, then Aisling,
then Nish in third,
who got four things in,
Mark got five. Bob - eight items.
APPLAUSE
There's a change in the leaderboard.
The leaderboard now looks like this.
The winner is...Mr Bob Mortimer!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done, Bob.
Will you please head to the stage
and have fun fondling
your surprisingly expensive item?
CHEERING
How much loo roll
do you have left, Alex?
I've got 84,
enough for three more dirts.
LAUGHTER
What have we learnt today?
Nous avons appris
que le chat est dans le chapeau
et le chat est dans Nish.
Le chat, il fait mort
et Alex, c'est un dick.
LAUGHTER
That's it for another Taskmaster.
Well done to Bob. See you next time
for the grand finale. Good night!
Subtitles by Ericsson
Oh, my God!
Whoa!
Yes! Help!
Aagh! Oh, yeah.
APPLAUSE
Thank you for the clapping. I'm
Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
It's the semi-final which means our
five contestants are running out of
time to win crucial Taskmaster points
which could change their lives
for ever.
Whoever wins this series
is guaranteed immortality
through the title
of Series Champion of Taskmaster,
so let's meet the people
still clinging on to the hope
of winning this almighty cranium.
With an average professional age
of 41,
our contenders are...
Aisling Bea!
CHEERING
Bob Mortimer!
CHEERING
Mark Watson!
CHEERING
Nish Kumar!
CHEERING
And Sally Phillips!
CHEERING
And forever needlessly loitering,
little Alex Horne!
CHEERING
Thank you.
Thank you. You are looking
especially smug tonight.
Thank you. It's a compliment.
I am. I've had a good day.
I've made some home improvements
to the place where you let me live.
And I found out you can put
a loo roll dispenser in any room.
Right. Any room. It doesn't have
to be in the toilet. I've got one in
the kitchen, the car and one here.
I just feel very... What
are you planning to use that for?
It's just in case, isn't it?
I mean, if you make mess here, I'm
gonna clear it up with your beard.
What is the prize category this week?
Great question. Well,
it's a big one. Drum roll, please.
SILENCE
Today, we've asked them...
LAUGHTER
Today, we've asked them to bring in
the most surprisingly expensive
item. Surprisingly expensive.
It's up to you, Greg, to decide
who has brought in the most
surprisingly expensive item.
At the end of the show, the person
with the most points will take home
the surprisingly expensive items.
We'll find out how much they cost,
then I'll look at your face to see
how surprised you were.That works.
Who shall we start with? Drum roll.
DRUM ROLL
LAUGHTER
Aisling Bea!
Oh, I won. I can't believe I won!
There was this one occasion
where I had to fly to Belfast
at six o'clock in the morning
and I had 13 minutes
before I had to get on the flight
and I was so tired that I bought
access for a 13-minute nap
to the business lounge
in Belfast Airport.
OK. So, for a minute to the pound,
it was the most expensive thing
I've ever bought.
We can see the voucher. How
surprising the business lounge costs.
To the Causeway Lounge Complimentary
Access at Belfast Airport.
How much do you think
complimentary access
to the Causeway Lounge would cost?
All I can say is how much
I would pay and I would pay £40.
Oh... Oh...
It cost £25. Shall I do my facial
reaction to that? Let's have a look.
Can we move on to Nish?
Yes, please. OK, Nish?
I have brought in 100 euros
because it is
surprisingly expensive now
to buy 100 euros.
Well, let's see how surprising it is.
I travel to Spain regularly.
Yes, you do.
And I would have guessed late 80s?
No, it's 91. I would have said 88,
so I'll give you my surprised face.
Who's next?
LAUGHTER
Bob. Bob. Bob. Hi, I've brought in
my World Cup 2014...
football players sticker book.
Let's have a look at it.
Oh! Very nice.
It would cost an average of £374
to fill the whole thing.
Whoa! If you get lucky, £68 is
the minimum you can spend, but the
average person spends nearly£400.
I'm gonna say that that is worth
20 English pounds.
We've had it valued
at 10 English pounds.
Who's next? Sally Phillips.
I've brought you a human turd.
LAUGHTER
OK, let's just go straight
to the face, shall we?
I brought you
one of Bob Mortimer's turds.
This is gonna take some unravelling,
isn't it?
It's going to be
professionally dried out
and placed within a resin sphere
and be just like one of the exhibits
in the National Poo Museum on the
Isle of Wight. That's allcorrect.
I brought an example.
This is what it will look like.
This is a fox one which most closely
resembles a human one.
Oh, dear!
How much do you think the process
of freeze-drying it, then turning it
into a resin ball would cost? £199.
Get ready for my reaction.
The process would cost £800.
LAUGHTER
£800 to do a fox poo,
but this is a Mortimer poo.
His conservative estimate,
the value of Bob's poo,
is between 10 and 15K.
LAUGHTER
Whoa!
I see.
Can I have one too?
No. That's the last I'm giving away.
Who's left? Mark?
Mine's a gate. My kids...
A what? A gate. A gate?
A garden gate, yes.
My kids like to play in the garden
and it adjoins one of
these communal gardens that you get.
We can see it.
We've got an image. Yeah.
Right, let's not mess around.
£88 for the gate, labour £75.
I've written down here £18,000.
What?! What?!
Well...
It looks like he's gonna throw up.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
The communal garden is jointly owned
by a residents' association,
so if you want a gate
that goes on to it,
you have to pay a three-year fee
to join that residents' association.
This is like madness, Mark.
When we win this prize,
do we win access to the garden?
The funny thing is you do, yeah.
What is your decision?
This is my decision.
I've got a television,
so I know how much the euro is worth,
Nish. Congratulations.
You take your special
traditional role as coming last.
Aisling and Bob, I was quite
surprised by the final price...
It was more how much they spent
per minute napping or per sticker.
If it's all right,
I might put them joint next.
And I can't believe it, I don't know
why I'm putting Bob Mortimer's turd
in second place, but I am.
I'm going to put it in second place
because I've just seen the hurt
in Mark "£18,000 gate" Watson's eyes.
I need this. So I have to give in
to it. Mark Watson wins this round.
APPLAUSE
And we're off. Five points...
Right, we're rolling. What's first?
It's this task precisely here.
Hello, Bob.
Hello, Alex. Hello, Aisling.
Why have you brought me
to this bloody shithole?
Please can I put a blindfold on you?
I can't see a thing now.
How many fingers am I holding up?
I can't see that, for example.
Ten. Great.
It was just one. It is just one,
so now I don't know what to do.
We'll go for a little walk.
I'll hold your hand.
Is that all right? I'd love that.
Just a little jump here.
With me, one, two, three.
That's it.
And a really big jump now. Yeah. Go.
That's better.
A bit higher. That's it.
Some bread. You're gonna ask me
to feed the ducks?
"Wearing that blindfold at
all times..." Yes. "..travel as far
as possible in three minutes."
"Alex will be at your side
at all times because he is a strong,
independent, handsome man." Right.
OK, I feel like
you've thrown that in. Thank you.
"On removing the blindfold, you will
then have another three minutes
"to retrace your steps
to your starting position."
That's here. Oh, right.
"Longest successful retracing
of steps wins."
Do I have to keep my feet
on the ground?
LAUGHTER
Yes, she had a tactic. Some of them
did, some of them didn't.
The idea...
LAUGHTER
They had three minutes to get as far
as they could, but they had to get
back to the spot where they started,
so you could take one step and you'd
get back to where you were, but
that's not a very long distance. No.
SALLY STILL LAUGHING
Which of our highly intelligent gang
are we going to see first?
We're gonna save Sally for a bit.
LAUGHTER
We'll start with Bob.
Are you ready?
Good. Your time...
BOB LAUGHS
Your time starts...
WHISTLE BLOWS
I'm gonna put a piece of bread...
I'm gonna take what I think
is the bottom of it off.
I quite like the idea
of having this...shape.
One... No, I'll take...
Drops a bit of bread.
I'm doing it very traditionally
here, I suppose,
but I can't think of any other way.
WHISTLE BLOWS
I'm gonna remain here.
You've got 30 seconds...
I didn't come through there. You've
got three minutes to retrace your
steps. Thanks. Your time starts now.
Oh, fuck. I never got through there.
One, two, three, four, five...
One, two, three, four, five.
Have you retraced your steps, Bob?
I have.
And that is where I wish
to be buried.
There you are,
that comes with age and experience.
APPLAUSE
That, I believe, is the traditional
cry of the Middlesbrough peat man.
Bury me.
It was like a little adventure,
that. It was great.
You travelled 54 metres
and got back to pretty much
exactly the right spot.
You could do what you wanted
with the bread. You left a trail.
Who wouldn't leave a trail?
Oh, I imagine most of them.
Let's stop there for now.
You have three minutes to do
something valuable with your life.
Goodbye for now.
APPLAUSE
Hello and, um...welcome back.
It's part two
and Alex is just desperate
to fill us in on the latest.
The current task involves getting as
far as you can whilst blindfolded,
then retracing your steps.
Bob made it look easy. Shall we see
Mark and Aisling next? Yes, let's.
WHISTLE BLOWS
I think the only way to do this
is to walk in what I believe to be
a completely straight line.
That's not very nice, is it? OK,
Alex, how's your back? Here we go.
OK, go straight that way. OK.
What's the slice of bread for?
Is that just one of those things?
Ah, breadcrumbs. I could leave
a trail of breadcrumbs.
Put me down for a second.
I've just realised the point
of the toast.
I should have put the toast down
where I started.
You've got one minute and ten
seconds to go. In that case, time
to be more liberal with the bread.
Ow! Ow, ow!
Put bread.
Just be aware now, I would.
Yes, I see what you mean.
Well, I don't see anything at all.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, that was so tiring! Was it?
Thank God I had these handy little
crumbs to keep me... When I blow the
whistle, you've got three minutes
to work out where we started from.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Now, where's the bread?
Where's the bread?
In that dog?
I found this old Quavers bag
full of water.
We must be close.
LAUGHTER
Is that where you think you started?
Well, roughly. Why roughly?
Because the blindfold made it
very hard to know, in all fairness.
This is where we started? Yeah.
Thank you, Aisling. Thank you, Alex.
Goodbye.
APPLAUSE
I love to see Alex physically
punished. Of course. So that was
a big tick in your favour.
But the bread realisation came late.
Yes, and I had a munch at the start
to have enough energy for the task.
I didn't have much toast left.
It was the furthest
I've ever carried an adult.
My previous record was 120 metres.
I had to take an aunt
across a car park at a wedding.
We can see on a map how far
I carried Aisling. She travelled 200
metres. That's where she started.
Then she staggered back in that
direction but didn't get far enough,
so she ended up only 64 metres away
from the starting point.
In the right direction? In the right
direction. Which in life is not bad.
We can compare that to Mark.
Not bad at all.
Mark walked 70 metres south-west.
He then should have gone north-east
but he carried on going south-west.
So he ended up 140 metres away
from the start.
As you saw, I couldn't find
any of the bread. It makes sense
because it wasn't there.
It wasn't there because, and this is
incredible, Mark, and absolutely
indicative of your luck on this show,
your bread was eaten by a dog.
LAUGHTER
Who's next?
Next are two of our most intelligent
individuals, Sally and Nish.
WHISTLE BLOWS
I wish I was confident enough
to run. You're running.
Oi! There was a ditch there, Nish.
A bit rougher ground here.
40. I'm counting my steps. 41, 42.
I have to warn you... Stop!
67 and then turn to the right.
One, two, three, four, five, six...
Is this bread for any purpose?
A bit bumpy here.
Ten more seconds. Be careful.
Ow, ow, ow!
WHISTLE BLOWS
OK, you've got three minutes to get
back to your starting positon.
I've literally no...
I think I got to here and stopped.
Yes, this is where you stopped.
SHE LAUGHS
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
I think it's over...
I did like...
SHE SIGHS
You've got one minute left, Nish.
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
OK, I think... I didn't go that far.
I think it was...
Hmm.
You've got ten more seconds, Sally.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Why did I not use the bread?
APPLAUSE
I want to start by asking you both
a very specific question.
What did you think the bread was for?
Holding, Gregory!
Sally?
At the end, I went, "Shit, I should
have used this as a compass!"
LAUGHTER
I think the thing
that startled me about you, Nish,
is if you've got a pet dog at home
and you blow in its face,
it absolutely baffles a dog,
absolutely confuses it,
and that was Nish's face
throughout this entire task.
The bread seemed to weigh you down
because when you walked,
you just went in a circle.
You took 300 paces,
but travelled 15 metres.
Do you want to see some stats? Yeah.
Sally travelled 220 metres, then
headed back in the right direction.
She ended up just 74 metres away.
Not bad. Not too bad.
She ran all over...
Oh, my God! More by luck
than judgment. That's really good.
Let's have a look at...
Nish ended up just 15 metres
from the starting point,
then walked 180 metres
in the wrong direction,
so ended up 195 metres away.
But it's one point to Nish,
two to Mark, three to Sally, four
to Aisling and five to Bob Mortimer!
APPLAUSE
Let's have our first look at the
scoreboard at this juncture, Alex.
There's a three-way tie for
second place and Bob is one point
ahead of them, so Bob's in the lead.
APPLAUSE
Alex Horne, what's next?
OK, we're gonna have the Taskmaster
equivalent of the Winter Olympics.
Oh, shit!
Uh-oh! I already know
I'm going to be brilliant at this.
I don't know, really.
I don't know about this already.
This looks scary.
Hello, Bob. Hi there.
"Muster the biggest coconut
bobsleigh team.
"Most coconut bobsleigh team members
still on board...
"..when their bobsleigh
comes to a halt wins.
"You may only use items in
the caravan to secure your coconuts.
"You'll be disqualified
if you use any item used
by another contestant."
Impossible to know
what they've used, of course.
"You have 20 minutes
and one attempt.
"Your time starts now."
To the caravan!
APPLAUSE
It is amazing how some games on this
show can just give us a brief window
into the souls of the competitors.
I've written down everything
that they said. Bob said nothing.
He just got on with it.
Aisling said, "I already know
I'm going to be brilliant at this,"
which is incredible.
Mark said, "I don't know about this."
Sally said, "This looks scary."
And Nish went, "Oh, shit!"
Who are we going to see first?
We'll have a look first, just to see
how to do it, Mark Watson. Oh, dear.
By coincidence,
there's a coconut harness in here.
If you deployed this correctly, you
could put quite a lot of coconuts
in it and tape it to the skateboard.
This is like a prisoner's dilemma.
We might all think everyone's
gonna do it, then no-one doesit.
Let's think. There's plenty of time.
There's an apron here. I don't...
Ah, Blu-Tack!
I found some blue tape. Basically,
it's about going completely virgin
and shoving all the coconuts on
and hoping for the best which is not
the worst way of doing it.
There we go. Now,
that's what we don't want to happen.
That's more than you'd have in a
real bobsleigh team. This is heavy!
It mustn't upturn.
If it upturns, we do have a problem.
And stay on, stay on, stay on!
Stay on, stay on!
I'll take it, I'll take it.
Well done, boys.
If anyone gets disqualified,
then I've beaten them.
Well, thank you, Mark. Well, thank
you for the opportunity. Bye-bye.
APPLAUSE
That was some pretty powerful
motivational shit you were shouting.
I thought more of them would stay on
if I yelled that at them, but we'll
never know. Just "stay on" as well.
Sometimes I say it to myself
when I'm trying to...
LAUGHTER
It didn't have to cross
the finishing line. It was when
the skateboard came to a halt.
He put 19 on. The harness
would have held 18. Two stayed on.
I admit it's not a great score.
We'll see. It's a score, though.
It's a score.
I'm hoping
that maybe someone didn't do that.
Beep! Yes, that's the end
of part two. Bye!
APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Part three, Alex.
Thank you, Greg.
Hello, my name is Alex Horne.
I'm gonna be 40 next year.
The brave contestants are trying
to send as many coconuts down a ramp
on a skateboard as possible,
the goal to have the most coconuts
on the board once it stops.
If they use the same items to secure
their coconuts as anyone else,
they'll be disqualified.
We're gonna see Nish and Aisling
now.
Whoa!
Can I put the coconuts
in this thing? What is that?
A coconut harness. I suppose so.
How do I know if other people have
used it? Do you think they might use
the coconut harness? Yeah, probably.
I'm definitely gonna use
some of this fire hydrant stuff.
That'll be sticky, won't it, Alex?
What if someone has used this?
Oh, God, this game is so hard!
So I'm creating a larger surface
area, Alex, to put the coconuts on.
I assume that's fine, Alex.
As long as no-one else uses it.
God, I hate this game!
I just want to make, like,
a sort of barrier,
so the coconuts don't fall off.
There's a banana barrier?
It doesn't quite fit.
How does this work then?
"Pull off the ring, use upright,
aim at base of fire."
See if that works.
I think... Aagh! Quick, get it on
the thing. Don't waste it on that.
Ah, Alex, you've ruined it!
Oh, God, it's so heavy!
Oh! It is bloody heavy.
Oh, God! It's not gonna work.
We have the classic underdog.
Sometimes in life...
you have to dare to dream.
For Ireland
is the greatest bobsleigh country
in the wo-o-orld!
Go on, lads!
Keep going!
Ireland's the greatest country
in the wo-o-orld...
..o-o-orld!
Yeah!
APPLAUSE
She said she'd be good and I thought
Aisling absolutely smashed that!
Yeah. Thanks, Greg. A compliment.
And I think that is the first ever
use of the banana barrier.
I think you may own...
LAUGHTER
You may own the banana barrier.
It also is bio-degradable, edible.
After you've finished using it,
you just go back and eat it.
You do. Yeah. Nish... Yes, hello.
What a great achievement I had as
well! You started off brilliantly.
It looked like you'd get the whole
team down. He put 35 in. No-one
so far has used the same item.
13 stayed on. Unlucky 13.
13 alive. 13 alive. Unlucky number.
And how many did Aisling get?
14.
Oh, suspense, Nishy!
You should have held your boys in
with fruit.
LAUGHTER
Not the first time
that's been said to me.
Who are we gonna see now, Alex?
Bob and Sally now. Whoo!
Only one attempt? Yeah.
So I can't test this on there?
You can test, but when you're doing
your attempt, that will be the one.
I might just... I might just...
I might just...
LAUGHTER
I'll go and have a look
in the caravan.
Well, I have a plan, people.
I have a plan.
Coconut harness.
Yeah, it's so tempting.
If I use that, I'm disqualified,
everyone will think that,
so should I just use it
and we can all move on, you know?
I don't know whether I should just
do this one and not try to be
clever... OK, I've got a plan.
You've taken down my curtain? Yeah.
Now I'm thinking
everyone's gonna use the curtain.
So they're going in the curtain?
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, they are heavy.
Shit!
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
Good luck, Bob. Thank you.
It's not me being a shithouse.
I can't get any...
That's my attempt.
Thanks, Bob.
APPLAUSE
I see myself coming down that ramp
with all the coconuts
in a beige, velour curtain bag
like some kind of sick Santa.
Uh-oh! No!
Right...
Aaah, yes, OK.
CRIES OF EXERTION
Right, now,
I just need to... Here we go.
Yea-ea-eah!
APPLAUSE
I mean, that has got to stick
in your craw, hasn't it?
Honestly, I'm just thrilled
that my mind works sometimes
in the same way
as the venerable Bob Mortimer's.
Hey, Greg,
would you have allowed it?
Would I have allowed yours?
Either of them.
I would have allowed Sally's.
The coconuts were on the skateboard.
And mine were beside the skateboard.
LAUGHTER
Sometimes my job gets done for me.
Bob and Sally don't get any points,
then it goes Mark with three, Nish
with four, Aisling wins the task!
APPLAUSE
Come on, Ireland!
What do we have coming up next?
I'm afraid we're gonna mess
with Nish's brain again.
It's another bloody referendum. Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Just trying to look natural
on camera.
This does not look authorised.
"Vote for which contestant you think
should receive five bonus points.
"The contestant who receives
the most votes will receive
five bonus points.
"You may vote for yourself.
"If, however, you vote for yourself
and fail to receive most votes,
you will lose two points."
There's a polling booth there.
That's convenient, actually.
You see, if I vote for myself,
I'm at risk.
On the other hand,
I do think I should receive
all the bonus points.
The guys will all vote
for themselves, except Bob,
who is a kind of wild card,
and Aisling and I will vote
for other people.
I've cast my vote.
Done.
Democracy!
APPLAUSE
They're voting for someone
to get five bonus points,
so the tactic is to vote for who
you think is the weakest person
to improve their score.
Sally voted for Bob,
Bob voted for Sally. Aw!
Aisling also voted for Sally.
So far no-one's voted
for themselves.
What do you think Mark and Nish did?
LAUGHTER
They voted for themselves. What
Sally said came true. Sally gets
five points, they lose two points.
APPLAUSE
It was incredible.
The scoreboard now looks very even.
Sally and Aisling are both
at the top, followed by Mark and
Bob, and there's Nish. There we go.
APPLAUSE
That is fast becoming the subtitle
of this series - "and there's Nish".
OK, we've got time for another one,
right? Jolly good. Here you go.
Bonjour, Alex. Hello, Aisling.
Right, fine, don't reply
in the language I came in with.
Hello, Sally.
Hi. Is this an art task?
I'm wearing "day of the week" socks,
but it's the wrong day.
I don't give an S.
Primary school feeling, vibe.
OK. Just saying.
Was it a happy time? For me? Yeah.
My first day wasn't. Someone
had done a poo in the sandpit.
LAUGHTER
"Make a funny little
flick-book film.
"The mat beneath your feet...
is the paper.
"The camera above your head
will take photos of your paper.
The funniest flick-book film wins.
"You have one hour.
Now flick the flick-book."
"Your time start...your time sta...
your time s...your time...you..."
I did it backwards, didn't I, Alex?
LAUGHTER
Who shat in the sandpit? I'll never
know. I remember it was sweet.
I mean, at that age,
something brown and cylindrical,
it's going in, isn't it? Pop it in.
So we're going to see Bob's first
who did an instructional video
on how to peel a banana.
APPLAUSE
I don't believe it. I loved that.
We have made it into a flick-book.
There it is. That's a work of art.
It's technically excellent.
Really satisfying, Bob. It really was
exceptional. Who's next?
Do you want to see Sally's one?
Oh, yes. OK, this is Sally's.
MIAOW
Le chat est boing-boing.
Le chat est boing-boing.
Le chat est boing-boing.
Oh, le chapeau! Uh-oh!
Attention au chapeau.
C'est dangereux.
Oh, non. Oh, non, petit chat!
Le chapeau!
Le chat a ete mange par le chapeau.
Uh-oh! Fin.
APPLAUSE
I could translate it
while you flick.
If you could translate it
into English, I'll get
a full understanding of the film.
"The cat is boing-boing. The cat is
boing-boing. Watch out for the hat.
"The hat is dangerous.
Oh, no, little cat, the hat! The cat
has been eaten by the hat. Uh-oh!"
It's better in French. "End." Oh,
sorry, "end". If you eat bananas,
the "chat" definitely boing-boinged!
A quick break, one part to go,
and that features the live tasks,
so until then or perhaps for ever,
goodbye, everyone.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back
to every single one of you.
What were we doing before the break?
We were having a good old flick.
Who's next? Do you want
to have a look at Aisling?
Yes, please.
OK, this is more complicated. Hmm.
DOG PANTING
APPLAUSE
It is complicated.
I wonder, if I may, drill down
into the narrative because I do think
this is an allegory. Yes.
My perception is that you think that
love is jumping at the wrong man,
him deflecting you,
and by chance you ending
in the arms of the right man
and then you're forced to eat shit.
Yeah, that's actually it, yeah. Ring
my mother. She'll tell you that's
pretty much my relationship history.
When you meet the right guy, you
think, "This is gonna be amazing."
They're like, "No,
I've brought all my past issues!"
In the form of dog shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. "From
this other bitch I was seeing."
Who's next, Alex?
Two left to see and first
of the last to see is Mark Watson.
APPLAUSE
Well, you should all know
that Mark and Alex have been friends
for 20 years, so...
And most of it's been like that.
There was some real beauty there.
It was a simple story of friends
getting together, sharing
some experiences, falling out
because of the selfishness of one of
them and that friend atoning for it.
With a kiwi fruit?
The traditional method.
And you ate the kiwi fruit together?
We did. There was a slight
homo-erotic undertone. Slight?
That stuff does really well
at the box office.
Oh? I thought it was really touching
and I loved the way we could see
your pants all throughout.
Le chat est dans le pantalon.
LAUGHTER
We are going to see the "chat" one
more time if that's all right. Yeah.
We'll see the final film, Nish, who
featured "le chatty-bonbon". Oui.
APPLAUSE
Ou est le chat?
Le chat est dans le Nish.
That is an absolutely savage piece
of film-making.
I can barely separate them, but if
I had to, purely on artistic merit,
if I were to give two films the edge,
I would give Bob and Nish's
pieces of work the edge.
They were technically very
proficient, so five points to them?
Five points to them, then the other
three, who I also hugely enjoyed,
I'd give three points each.
So we've got two first places
and three third places.
APPLAUSE
Oh, God, do you know what?
I've just been wondering
what the series scores are like.
I've got them here. It is tight.
We've got Nish Kumar on 90. Yes!
Then we jump up a bit.
We've got Sally...
LAUGHTER
Sally's on 112.
Aisling on 114, Mark 115, Bob 117.
It's within five points.
APPLAUSE
It's between Aisling and Sally
in this episode,
15 points each at this stage.
One task to go.
APPLAUSE
Please head to the stage
for the final task of the show!
CHEERING
Hello, Greg. Hello, Alex.
Would you please tell me who's going
to read out tonight's final task?
It's going to be Aisling Bea. Oh!
Thank you, sir.
Perfect.
"Send the most things
to the Taskmaster.
"Items must travel via zipline
and land on your segment
of the Taskmaster's table.
"You may not move
from your current position.
"You have...100 seconds!"
OK, I'll blow the whistle to start.
You were very dramatic.
I realise I'm not a very dramatic
person. OK, you've got 100 seconds.
Good luck. Your time starts...
BLOWS WHISTLE
Stay on the mat, please, Aisling.
Stay on the mat, Bob. Sorry.
Do stay on the mat. Do stay on
the mat. Oh, how has he done that?
Bob Mortimer, basket in.
Oh, we've got a problem here.
You must stay on the mat.
Can I get the wire? She let go of it,
but she must stay on the mat.
Come on, the bra! No!
Fuck off!
Oh, oh...
Yeah.
She's on the mat.
An audience member has got involved.
You've got 35 seconds left.
35 seconds.
Come on, shoe!
Damn you, damn you!
See you in hell!
Why can't I get the coat-hanger
on there? Come on, you prick!
LAUGHTER
They must travel via the zipwire.
Stay on your mat, Aisling. Come on,
you prick! Stay on your mat.
Come on, you stupid monkey's prick!
Five seconds left. Come on!
Three seconds left.
Two, one...
BLOWS WHISTLE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come down and we'll see
how that's affected the final scores.
CHEERING
Well...
Varying degrees of skill there, Alex.
I was very concerned
for your safety, Greg.
Yes, so was I, Nish.
LAUGHTER
Sometimes you get caught up in
the heat of the moment and you chuck
a coconut at a massive whitedude.
Unacceptable. Nul points.
I thought it was
a lovely juxtaposition.
At one point, Bob was just very
delicately sending paper clips down
and very effectively,
and just to his right,
Aisling was shouting,
"Get down there, you monkey prick!"
LAUGHTER
How did Mark do? Mark did pretty
well. He got five things down.
How did you get the balloons down?
In the little basket. He put
the balloons in the little basket.
Everyone had a nice run with the
basket. Not Sally because she dropped
the rope. So no points for Sally?
It depends. Are you disqualifying
Nish for throwing coconuts at you?
No, I'm not going to disqualify Nish
because, let's face it,
the guy's broken.
So it's Sally, then Aisling,
then Nish in third,
who got four things in,
Mark got five. Bob - eight items.
APPLAUSE
There's a change in the leaderboard.
The leaderboard now looks like this.
The winner is...Mr Bob Mortimer!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done, Bob.
Will you please head to the stage
and have fun fondling
your surprisingly expensive item?
CHEERING
How much loo roll
do you have left, Alex?
I've got 84,
enough for three more dirts.
LAUGHTER
What have we learnt today?
Nous avons appris
que le chat est dans le chapeau
et le chat est dans Nish.
Le chat, il fait mort
et Alex, c'est un dick.
LAUGHTER
That's it for another Taskmaster.
Well done to Bob. See you next time
for the grand finale. Good night!
Subtitles by Ericsson