Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - Champion of Champions: I've Sinned Again - full transcript
The winners of the five previous series regroup in this two part special of Taskmaster.
Ooh, no table.
Hello, Josh. Hello, Alex.
"Sing along to the Taskmaster
theme tune.
"Most powerful and champion-like
wins. Your time starts now."
Absolutely my worst nightmare.
Are you ready?
# Rrrrrump
# Buh, buh, buh
# Buh, buh, buhhh
# Buh, buh, buh
# Buh, buh, bowww
# Buh, buh, buh, bowww
# Buh, buh, boooh
# Buh, buh, buh-aoh
# Buh, buh, buh, boop
# Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh!
# Baowwwwwww. #
APPLAUSE
Hello.
Thank you, thank you,
I'm Greg Davies, and welcome,
ladies and gentlemen, to the
Taskmaster Champion Of Champions!
CHEERING
This is IT. The final showdown.
Soon we'll find out which of our
champions has proven that they are
the one and only competitor worthy
of the Champion Of Champions title.
Let's get on with it, shall we?
CHEERING
Here for your entertainment,
awe and pity are...
Bob Mortimer!
Josh Widdicombe!
Katherine Ryan!
Noel Fielding!
And Rob Beckett!
And next to me, hanging on my every
word like a rabid little puppy...
HIGH PITCHED VOICE: ..it's little
Alex Horne!
Anything to say for yourself?
I, er, look nice. I've done my hair.
I've made it wet
and straightened it.
Right. And I've done my teeth.
I've had the worst one removed.
That's good. Like the film stars.
It's an exciting day, I've got some,
er, in case it all kicks off,
I've got some safety party poppers.
Oh. So they're just normal party
poppers
but I've taped a sandwich bag
round it to collect...
..the insides.
To protect your eyes and limbs. Do
you want me to do one? Yes, please.
OK.
FAINT CLICK
SHOUTING: I took the bang out.
I took the bang out as well.
Took the bang out as well, did you?
OK, well, first,
let's remind people,
this is the second part of the two
part Champions special. Yep.
The first part was
won by Katherine Ryan.
But anything could happen
this time round
and for this final of the
Champion Of Champions special,
we thought we should create a super
tough prize category
and by "super tough", I mean vague.
Because we've asked them
to bring in the best thing.
Ooh... Very vague.
Whoever's thing you deem best will
kick off the final with five
youthful points and the winner
of this episode will go home
with five of the best things ever.
OK, here we go. Let's start
the other end to last time.
Rob Beckett, what have you
brought in and why, Rob, why?
I've brought in Del Boy's ring.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Ooh.
I did a sitcom and the lady who did
all the wardrobe stuff,
her first job was on Only Fools And
Horses and she, in her bag,
had his ring and we got on well
and then, at the end of it,
as a present, she gave it to me
at the end of the episode, so.
AUDIENCE: Aww.
So, I've got Del Boy's ring.
Yeah.
Um, who's next?
Noel, what have you brought in
and why's it so incredible?
It's the Kasabian boys
and they've composed a little
song for the winner, called,
You're The Best Thing. OK.
Here are the Kasabian boys.
# You're the best thing
# You're the best thing
# You're the best thing
# You're the best thing
# You're the best thing, you are
# You're the best thing, you are!
# You're the best thing, you are. #
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What an awful forum for the Kasabian
boys to lose their record contract.
Katherine.
Well, Romesh Ranganathan, Taskmaster
alumnus,
he tweeted out his outrage
when an embroidery artist called
Alison created a photo of him
that was less than flattering.
And I thought, "It makes him
so angry,
"I've got to buy it.
It's spectacular."
Oh, great. And then, just to really
upset Romesh,
I, er, made it into a jacket
emblazoned with the date that
he's doing quite an important gig at
the Greek Theatre in LA.
Here it is.
Wow, that is amazing.
And look at his boobs.
Because the head's actually fairly
accurate, isn't it?
So presumably he has got one
tit in the middle of his chest?
Josh.
Are we not discussing the fact
that you made me
sing the theme tune under the guise
it was a task everyone was doing?
We're going to slip by that.
So I don't even get a point?!
Correct.
Josh, Josh, when we did our series,
he made me paint his shed!
What did you bring in?
Um, I thought, "What thing
in my life is the most valuable,"
you know,
so I thought, "Well, my house."
Here we go.
Now, obviously,
I still need to live in that house.
But you can have the keys, you can
come and go as you please...
Who else lives in the house?
Er, my girlfriend and our baby.
Oft, pfft.
So...
You are more than welcome to be
part of the thing that I think is
the best, my house and my family.
Aww. Aww.
I do put it on the chain from 11pm
so you will need to text ahead.
Bob, you can steal this. I feel it.
Well, I bought in my best
possession.
Which is my broccoli rotation
and delivery unit.
Which I use both to teach my kids to
fall in love with broccoli
and if you're having, like, a do.
The adults quite enjoy it as well.
Best thing I've got, Greg.
It does move, do you want to see it
action, Greg? Yes, please.
OK, this is the broccoli...
I'll tell you now, it's right,
it's right up there.
Oh, there he goes again.
I would say it's quite
similar to the sausage dispenser you
brought in earlier in the year.
You've got that right. But it's a
completely different purpose.
Right then. Five things.
Yep. Which is the best?
In last place, sorry,
I just don't want to see
a mid-titted Romesh Ranganathan.
Whoa.
And I'm going to do a joint third
place, if that's all right.
OK, so for three points...
I think that an elephant with
a piece of broccoli on the end
of it is exactly as good as, um...
..Josh Widdicombe's house
and family. You absolute...
APPLAUSE
And imagine if you were the biggest
band in the country
and you were
beaten by Del Boy's ring.
Yes but they're just
pissing around outside a toilet.
That's what's happened, Noel is
in second. The winner of the task...
Beckett takes it.
There we go,
Rob Beckett gets five points.
We're off. Hit me with a task that
really tested their mettle.
Here we go.
Mmm, briefcase.
Whoa, yup. Hello there, Bob.
Hello there.
FRANTIC DIGITAL BLEEPING
Wow. What does that mean?
"What's in the case?"
What's in the case?
So, it's locked.
"Your time starts..." "..now."
You know when you get a vibe that
something's not your bag?
What?!
Uh, who are we going to see first?
Well, they've got to crack the code.
There's three digit numbers, there's
a thousand possibilities there.
We're going to see Katherine
and Bob first of all. Lovely.
THAT number. No, it's an H.
Um, oh...
"How much rice is in the drawer?!"
No way.
Could be a longun, lads.
Buckle down.
These are not real drawers.
These are painted-on drawers.
I mean, I'm at a loss here.
Why can't, if there was a drawer,
I'd be able to see it...
200,000 divided by 40...
Equals...
Well, I don't fucking know.
Argh! Drawer.
Pineapple.
Oh, my fucking God. What is real?!
And there's rice in there...
No!
It's probably bloody written
somewhere, isn't it?
60... 62... 64... 66...
If it isn't that, that's great.
I hope...
201.
Yep, yep, yep.
It is.
I hope it's sweets.
Frozen peas.
Frozen peas.
Katherine. It was just drawers
all the way for you.
I was worried that the British had,
like a different,
cos we don't say, "wardrobe."
We say, "closet."
So I was thinking,
"Maybe drawers means pineapple."
Do you want to know how long
she took? 201... Yes, I do, please.
Well, it was five minutes
and four minutes and two minutes
and three minutes, so 14 minutes.
And three seconds.
Lovely.
Bob, I believe that the first
conclusion
that Einstein reached was
E = I don't fucking know.
One thing Bob said during it
was that he'd,
"had his maths
removed from his anus."
How long did Bob use his brain
and found your little ticker tape?
Well, he found my ticker tape in 7
minutes, 42 seconds. Ah. Ooh.
OK, time for some ads.
Or adverts or advertising,
whatever you want to call it.
See you in 201 seconds.
APPLAUSE
Good morning. Welcome back to
Taskmaster Champion Of Champions.
What have people missed, Alex?
Oh, just some really top level
entertainment television, Greg.
The Champions were trying to
work out a code to crack open a
briefcase.
We've seen two of the contestants
find some of the clues.
Next up, it's Josh Widdicombe,
do you want to see
if his technique
reflects his personality?
Yes, please. OK.
So, 200,000 divided by 40...
Equals X.
So, 5,000...
..minus...
What the... I mean, what?!
This is just maths.
How is that a TV show?
No offence to Countdown.
So, 5,000 minus ten...
So that's 4,900...
..divided by...
..2,500 plus ten...
..divided by...
..times...
..one.
So the answer is 201.
Oh!
Ah! First one's off.
Second one's not.
Yes, it fucking is.
APPLAUSE
Peas. Frozen peas.
That's really impressive.
Thank you cos I did it
and then suddenly, I was the dweeb.
I will have you know,
I am not a dweeb.
I wasn't expecting it. Were you
expecting it? Yes, I think so.
You were very quick. I mean,
there was lots of difficult maths.
There were three equations that all
related to each other
and he worked it out in five minutes
and 30 seconds.
Wow. Wow.
Fastest so far. Blimey. Who's next?
Now let's see series 3 champion,
Rob Beckett, give Italy crack.
Here we go.
What would be faster is
if I could keep shouting guesses.
Water, rice...
Pasta.
Big block of something frozen.
Ice creams, lollies.
Big block of ice, innit?
I don't know what's in it.
Erm... You can leave the room,
obviously. Frozen peas.
Stopped, has it? Yeah, I've stopped
the clock, yeah. Why?
That's a bit weird, isn't it?
Well, it's fastest to get
the correct answer.
It's frozen peas, isn't it?
Brilliant, thanks Rob. No worries.
You nailed it, incredible.
Peas. I don't know.
That was absolutely amazing.
Don't think, just do.
What time? Well, as we know, Josh
worked it out in five minutes 30,
Rob sussed it out in five
minutes 45.
ALL: Ooh...
So close. It's just, er, Noel.
Yes, we're going to go from guest
work to field work. Noel Fieldwork.
Fielding, Fieldwork,
didn't quite work... Here we go.
"Your time starts...
"..now." A slipper? Erm...
Some cheese?
Uh, a balaclava? I'll stop the clock
if you get it right.
Uh, a goal keeping glove?
An ant-eater.
A drawing of an ant-eater.
Some corks.
Tim Key? I wish.
Can I smash this case to pieces?
Do whatever you want. OK.
See you later.
I'm never going to break this.
Hammer. There's got to be a hammer.
AUDIENCE GASP
Yes!
What's in the case? Peas!
It's an incredible job.
You guessed the following things, as
far as I could make out... Slipper.
Some goalkeepers' gloves.
Some cheese. An anteater.
A picture of an anteater.
And then you went straight to,
"I'm going to fuck this case up."
I thought, if it was an anteater,
"I've got to get that guy
out of there."
Great. What, um... The time?
Yep. What's the time?
Well, at the moment Josh
is in the lead with five minutes 30,
Noel Fielding took 19 seconds...
..and three minutes.
Can we see your messy little
scoreboard, please, Alex?
Course we can.
Well, thanks to the two slender
hammers, we've got a new leader.
Noel Fielding's on 9 points.
Shall we have another really testing
task for our former champions?
Well, this is one me
and the guys have been calling,
Face Off Bake Off.
Hmm.
Head. Hello.
Hello, ooh... Ow!
"Make a mask that tastes delicious
and looks great."
Totally my wheelhouse.
"Your mask must be entirely edible
and entirely wearable."
"You have ten minutes to plan your
mask and 20 minutes to make it."
"You must then wear your mask
so Alex can taste it."
Je. Sus. Christ.
"Most delicious and great looking
mask wins." I mean...
Noel Fielding is the fucking
maskmaker.
I went to Venice recently
and they had some good masks there.
First instincts,
omelette on the head.
I am so good at making masks.
You couldn't know how unfair this
is on the other people.
I'll get some skittles.
And some, some Wotsits.
The cheaper the Wotsit,
the greater the adhesion.
I need a large watermelon.
Hundreds and thousands.
Some hundreds and thousands.
This is going to be so good, man.
And those long, shoestring,
like, chewy candies.
Liquorice bootlaces.
Who don't love a strawberry lace?
Can I get all the different sweets?
No.
Spinach.
Who don't like strawberry jam?
Some jam. Some red jams.
Jam-s? Yeah, just, some,
I want a palette. A palette of jams.
"First instinct,
stick an omelette on me head."
Who don't like omelettes?
"The cheaper the Wotsit,
the greater the adhesion."
It's very true. Poetic.
"I want a palette of jams."
Fucking hell, who's first?
Well, there are a lot of, lot of
confidence there from these three.
Josh was less confident but we're
going to start with Katherine's
cos I'm very awkward around all
humans but particularly that gender.
He can't even say, "women."
Isn't that awful?
I haven't decided yet whether that's
what I am or not, so you're fine.
Oh, God, OK.
Hello. Do you like it?
Do I? Mm-hmm. Yes.
Nice skin. Thank you.
Erm, which bit would you,
which bit's the starter?
Erm, you like savoury,
so you could have a Wotsit eyebrow.
A Wotsit eyebrow.
Good? Mmm. Nice texture.
Good flavour, lots of flavours.
Your eyes are quite piercing.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I have also, my mask also includes,
head and hair.
Yeah, I might go for the hair next.
Mm-hmm.
Delicious, right? Mm-hmm.
Your lips are dripping a bit.
Mm-hmm.
I guess I'll just eat your eyes
and then we're done. Mm-hmm...
Mmm. Nice. Very sweet. Your mask
tastes delicious, thank you.
You're welcome.
What most interested me is how
unamused you were throughout that.
I, er, started to get really hot
and then I felt kind of sick,
so I just chose not to move
or speak.
You looked really forlorn.
So sad.
It seemed like a real low
point for you.
And it certainly was for Alex.
Sorry, Alex. "Your lip's melting..."
I didn't, I didn't go near the lips
in the end. I got a bit nervous.
Did you contemplate it?
Yes, for a...
It felt like hours of thinking,
"Do I, should I?"
What I found quite weird
was that he never ate my face,
what about you, lads?
Do you want to see
Josh Widdicombe's? Yes, who's next?
Oh, Josh Widdicombe. OK.
AUDIENCE GASPS
Hello, Josh. MUFFLED: It's Alex,
actually. Oh, hello, Alex.
Would you like to kiss me? Pardon?
Lovely tongue. Thank you.
SNORTING
I've eaten one of my eyes. Oh, no.
JOSH LAUGHS
Ah... I don't like it, Jesus...
I'm going to eat some of my hair
and then we're done.
Oh, God...
Oh, no.
Thank you for that.
MUFFLED: Thank you.
You weren't at all uncomfortable
there, were you?
It was quite an intense experience.
I felt a slight sense of revenge cos
he was trying to
recreate my own face.
Yeah, it looked exactly like you.
He said that I had,
"sad eyes and a thin little mouth.
"An idiosyncratic medieval face."
Tick, tick, tick.
That's the halfway point reached.
Not long now
until someone gains free access to
Josh Widdicombe's house
and I give my body away.
Hello and hi, it's part three
and we've been luxuriating in a spot
of face eating. We certainly have.
Now, I've eaten some pretty tasty
faces in my time, er, but
tonight proves how champion-worthy
these competitors are.
Just Bob, Rob
and Noel are to gobble.
First, Rob Beckett
and Noel Fielding's attempts.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Hello, Noel. Hi, how are you?
Let's taste the mask. Yep.
Mmm, that's lovely.
I'm going to start with the Crunchy
Nut Cornflake. OK. Ready? Yeah.
Got a lot of seeds.
Looks so sinister.
OK, I'm going to go in for dessert
now, Rob. Yeah, yeah. Help yourself.
There's pancakes up there.
Oh, that feels, I feel vulnerable.
Feels like brain surgery.
Yep, I felt that fork, then.
Is that your head just there?
Yeah, that's my brain.
The ol' noggin.
MOUTH FULL: That's lovely.
I'm going to eat the bridge
of your nose. Are you ready?
NOEL CHUCKLES
I'm going to have a little bit more.
Yep, mate, that is my hair.
Just seen the hair,
the hair is poking through.
Yeah, it would be if you cut it.
Your mask tastes delicious, Rob.
Wow. I feel like a scarecrow
who's getting pecked.
By a sort of red-headed crow.
See, I made a mask, I didn't just
put it straight on my face.
I think that's what...
I made a barrier.
No, because it's meant to be
entirely edible...
Thank you, I was about to point that
out myself, Katherine.
It's not supposed to have
Gaffa tape in it.
That would be very
dangerous for a dolphin to eat.
That's what I call Alex,
the Dolphin.
Rob, was it themed?
It looked like a sort of Northern
flat cap wearing man.
It's just supposed to be a working
man's lunch. Right. Yeah.
But as a... But as a mask.
Yeah, yeah, so I had, um,
Yorkshire pudding starter,
left over from Sunday roast.
Oh, lovely.
And then there was a peanut
butter wrap on the face
and then pancakes for dessert.
That staple Northern meal.
Mmmmm. One person left.
OK. That person is Bob Mortimer.
Let's see it. OK.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
GEORDIE ACCENT: Come to
me, human man.
Taste my facial flesh.
Howay, what's not to like?
Hello, Bob.
That's it. Take me in.
Go for my nose, pet.
Come on. Oh...
Oh, come on...
BOB MOANS WITH PLEASURE
Oh, yes, I'm a sinner.
I have sinned, come on, eat me.
Oh, thank you.
Oh...
Beautiful, mate.
Are there more like you
on your planet?
Argh, more!
Please. Enclose me. Howay.
Oh, I have sinned again!
I've sinned again, mon.
Mmm, well, I've tasted your mask.
Hey, Alex, it were just me.
Oh! It were just me.
What do you reckon? Sexy, yeah?
Thank you!
Bob, I think you were shouting out,
"I'm a s...
"I'm a sinner, I have sinned."
Yeah, I was.
That's what you shouted out
while Alex was eating your face.
Did he cure me?
Was that the little story?
Yeah, you kept saying, "Thank you."
It's your fucking mask, mate.
Do you want to see all five masks...
Yeah, yeah, I do.
Here they are.
Rob's is a little bit Phil Collins,
isn't it?
There was a period
when he was like that, wasn't there?
I genuinely think they're all
amazing. OK.
And it's very difficult but based on
what you told me about the flavours,
I'm going to mark Noel and Rob, I'm
going to give them two points each.
Because the combination
of flavours...
He's got fucking glue on his!
They're not edible!
Yours looks like
a sort of naan matador gone wrong.
Fucking horrifying.
It's like a Yorkshire
remake of the Halloween films.
"Eyup, you're all in trouble, now.
"I'm going to eat the lot of youse."
This is one of my favourite ones
ever, this is.
Right, OK, look, OK. We've got
two points for Noel and Rob.
It's really hard, OK?
I'm going to give Katherine three
points because I can't award
a lot of points to something that
made her that unhappy.
And Josh's,
it genuinely looks like you,
and he deserves the four
points for your awful assault.
And I mean, I just, I can't...
I can't not give Bob first place.
OK, fine.
Five points to Bob.
I guess we have to be brave now
and take a deep breath and
prepare to see the last task these
Champions ever tackled in the house.
Here's the last one.
All right?
"Make the biggest mess and..."
NOEL LAUGHS
"Make the biggest mess
and completely clear it up."
"You have ten minutes.
Your time starts now."
OK.
Do you reckon I could tip that?
Well, I for one,
am hoping we get to see him try.
We can start with him if you want.
Rob and Noel were both
caravan-bound.
Do you want to see where they went
and what happened? Hit me up.
There's a bit of go in it,
innt there?
Harder than it looks.
That's it. That's the mess, is it?
No.
I tell you what,
have you got a hose? Yes.
I'd say that was a mess, right?
Oh, it's a big mess.
Looks great, doesn't it?
Seven and a half minutes
to put that back?
Let's go.
I mean,
this is working absolutely...
Absolute charm, this.
This is great cos
I actually love tidying up.
Is there a broom?
It's like a game of memory,
I know where everything goes.
It's not really the kind of broom
I was after, but...
Oh...
Can you see, is there any flour
on my face? Not that I can... Oh.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Rob.
WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
Thank you, Noel.
This show brings up strange things
to come out of people's mouths
and I never thought I'd hear
Noel Fielding say,
"I really like tidying."
Is that a thing in your life,
you like a tidy?
I do like Hoovering, yeah. You left
the caravan tidier than when...
..you arrived in it.
So we appreciated that.
Yeah, he covered quite a big area.
Rob probably covered a bigger area
with his flour, right?
Yes, there was a lot of flour,
covered the whole driveway.
Bigger mess. Who's next?
Bob and Josh.
These two men. Bobbyjosh.
Let's get a grounding of cheese
puffs.
Oh, that's beautiful.
I don't know what I'm doing, Alex.
I'm panicking.
I'm panicking.
Ah, I'm panicking!
Panicking!
That's good.
So that's the mess.
This is now the challenge.
You've got six and a half minutes.
I'm sprinkling unsalted peanuts.
Messy bastards.
How long, Alex?
You've got two and a half minutes.
Oh, Jesus.
This bin's worse than I imagined.
How long, Alex? One minute 40, Bob.
One minute 40.
One more thing. Sugar cubes.
Away you go, you sweet little imps!
Right, tidy it up.
You've got 50 seconds, Bob.
WHISTLE BLOWS
DING
Still a bit of cleaning...
WHISTLE BLOWS
Sorry.
I've finished. Gave it my best shot.
You made a big mess.
Yeah, not very good Hoover.
Bob, I put it to you that you never
had any intention of clearing
that up.
None whatsoever, no.
On the two sides of the equation,
I realised that the mess
was where the fun lay.
Where the fun was.
Amazing. Josh.
It's the neatest mess I've
ever seen.
It was really messy. But by the time
you finished, it was lovely.
It looked really...
There were bins, there were eggs...
And there was... Biscuits.
I fantasised about you coming
and living with me
at one point during that.
Which bit? When I was messing or
when I was tidying?
Both.
Only one part left.
And in that part we WILL find the
Champion Of Champions. Yes, we will.
Here we are then. We made it.
The last chapter in our
Champion Of Champions special story.
But first, what was left to clear
up, Alex?
Well, Rob, Bob, Nob
and Job have all been making messes
and clearing them up. They are men.
We get to see Katherine Ryan's
slightly different take
on making a mess.
OK. I'm going
to make some phone calls.
Mess with my family.
I'm just going to tell them
each a lie.
DIAL TONE
I'm in class, what do you want?
Yep, um, I just need to
talk to you
about something quite
serious for a minute...
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine
it's just that
I have news from people back home
that Alan is cheating on you.
No, they saw him in a bar and he was
making out with this lady...
Well, I've been cheating on him
for the last six months
so what's your deal?
OK, well...
I'll get more information for you
when I have it, though.
It might be not true
but it feels true.
Bye.
She wasn't that surprised, OK.
Um, OK, I'm going to call my dad.
How long has she been with Alan?
They've been married for two years.
DIAL TONE
Hello? Hi, Dad, how are you?
Good, how are you? I am well.
I've got, um,
something that Carrie just told me.
OK. She's pregnant
and it's not Alan's.
Ha-ha...
Why are you laughing? I'm serious.
April the first, is it?
No, no, I'm dead serious.
It's like some bad news. Ha-ha...
Oh, you're turning me out...
No, I'm not, I'm not, it's like...
KATHERINE'S DAD KEEPS ON LAUGHING
Hey, I didn't come over here
on the last banana boat, you know.
OK. Well, I've got to go then.
I've got to go then
and lie to someone else.
All right, bye. OK, bye.
Fucking. God.
You've one minute 45. One minute 45
seconds? This is not... To clear up.
This is no good for a mess, damn it.
So, sorry to bother you again,
I just realised that it was NOT Alan
who was making out with
that girl at the bar, it was someone
else who works with Alan.
But because they're both
Filipino...
My friend got terribly confused.
So I'm really sorry,
I hope you didn't...
I hope I didn't make a mess.
Well, I just told him
that I'd been cheating on him.
Oh, ho... No, you didn't.
I did. Well, just tell me
you're joking.
Oh, my God, OK, love you, thanks.
I'll call Alan, I'll call
Alan real quick
and tell him
my sister's not cheating on him.
DIAL TONE
Hello? Hello, yes?
Hi, I just want you to know, Carrie
was just playing a big
joke on you so she's not cheating
on you, Alan, everything's cool.
Enjoy your marriage.
Haha, well, this is Abe. Shit.
Is Alan there?
Can you call Alan and tell him?
Oh, no...
Well, I'll see Alan tonight. Good.
Well, tonight might be far too late,
so... OK, thanks.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Enjoy Christmas.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Jesus Christ.
Are Alan
and your sister still together?
Well, my sister, like my dad,
knew I was lying.
So she lied to me
and said she cheated on her husband
but of course she never would,
they have a wonderful marriage.
Your commitment to entertainment...
..is impressive. Yeah.
And you know what? People
shouldn't be getting married anyway.
Yeah. You're probably helping them
out in the long run.
Well, we've seen all the messes,
Greg. Yeah, OK. Man.
All right, well, I'm going
to put Bob in last place
because he was just having fun.
So he can have one point.
It's not about fun, is it?
It's not about fun.
This is going to sound really harsh
but I don't think Josh's mess
was very messy.
What?!
There was eggs everywhere, there was
bins on the floor! One bin.
I do feel bad though because he did
a lovely job cleaning up
so can we give him three points?
OK. Joint second. Joint second.
Noel and Rob. Because of the mess.
You know, I think they both
made a nice mess.
They both did a nice job of cleaning
up. But Jesus Christ, if...
..if for the sake
of an entertainment show on Dave,
Katherine Ryan's prepared
to fuck her own family up...
She's going to get the five points.
So, in a way, she won the task.
How are things looking
before the final task then, Alex?
Uh, there's five points separating
the five people.
Katherine is now on double
figures with ten
but Noel is in the lead with 15.
Here we go.
CHEERING
Just one thing left then.
Will you all please take to the
stage for the final
task of the Champion Of Champions!
Um, I think we should get Katherine
to read out the task, please.
Oh, uh, I've got heelies on
but they don't work on this floor.
Thank you, Alex.
OK.
"Record the highest
total of steps on your pedometers.
"You may not touch your blindfold.
You have 100 seconds."
OK, please don your blindfolds.
Blindfolds on.
You have six pedometers on your
ankles, wrists, midriff and head.
Most steps recorded as a total wins.
You have 100 seconds,
starting on the whistle.
WHISTLE BLOWS
AUDIENCE CHEER
Where is the fucker?
APPLAUSE
Well done, Josh,
where are you going?
You're drifting. You're drifting.
You having a nice time, Bob?
Yes, thank you. Good, good.
Go on, Josh. Go on, Josh.
Keep going, Katherine. Ten!
AUDIENCE: Nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three, two, one.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Stay still, stay still, stay still!
What a glorious end to the
Champion Of Champions.
Please, make your way down
and we'll see how that's affected
the final scores!
Have you added up the steps?
Of course I have.
I did what you told me to do.
I added them up. And?
Well, erm,
the lowest score was 627 steps
and that was
recorded by Noel Fielding.
AUDIENCE GASPS
Lowest score?!
He was going like the clappers.
I think he's... He did move a couple
of them.
Put them on my feet.
And I think the moving
affected the score.
They weren't adjusted that well
when they were repositioned.
For which... I'm truly sorry.
And who's next? Well, Noel did 627,
Bob did 730 steps. Not bad.
With his wrists.
By using them on his hands.
840 steps were taken... ..by Rob.
He was going fast.
He looked like he was going to die.
Josh took over a thousand,
1,095. Wow.
Whoa. Katherine... Over 200 on each
part of the body, 1,263 steps.
CHEERING
Thank you, thank you.
How's that affected the final
scoreboards?
The final scoreboard,
it's very close at the top, but with
a score of 18, the winner of this
episode is Mr Josh Widdicombe!
Josh is the winner.
Please, Josh, go up and collect
the best prizes of all time.
So. What have we learnt today?
We've learnt that in life,
if you're battling demons,
and you need to be set free,
just get Alex to eat your face off.
But also we've learnt that Josh is
the winner of all the best
stuff, so well done, Josh!
34 hours of task-based television
and 6 million years of human
evolution have brought us
to this monumental moment in time.
Our five champions have all
proven their worth but only
one of them can win, just one
person can be the best of the best.
The greatest person EVER...
..to complete my important tasks.
It's now that I have to hand over to
Alex to give us the final scores.
Well, at this point, I also should
mention that, of course, the
winner will get this little trophy
to complete their Taskmaster set.
But in series 1 we didn't have this
trophy because we didn't know
if we'd have another series
so instead we gave them
quite a cheap karate trophy.
So IF Josh Widdicombe wins,
he will have to slot his karate
trophy into the top of the statue.
The others will...
The others will slot the head,
which will be more satisfying.
Fully understood. OK.
So, I've totted up the scores.
Fifth place with 24 points is
Bob Mortimer.
In fourth place with 32 points
is Noel Fielding.
And in third place with 35 points,
it's Katherine Ryan.
With 36 points, one point
off the lead, it's Rob Beckett.
So the winner, with 37 points...
..is Josh Widdicombe!
Well done.
You've collected all the parts
you need to complete the winner's
trophy.
The final task is to add the head.
You are the
Taskmaster Champion Of Champions.
Thank you, everyone,
thanks for watching. Good night!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
Hello, Josh. Hello, Alex.
"Sing along to the Taskmaster
theme tune.
"Most powerful and champion-like
wins. Your time starts now."
Absolutely my worst nightmare.
Are you ready?
# Rrrrrump
# Buh, buh, buh
# Buh, buh, buhhh
# Buh, buh, buh
# Buh, buh, bowww
# Buh, buh, buh, bowww
# Buh, buh, boooh
# Buh, buh, buh-aoh
# Buh, buh, buh, boop
# Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh!
# Baowwwwwww. #
APPLAUSE
Hello.
Thank you, thank you,
I'm Greg Davies, and welcome,
ladies and gentlemen, to the
Taskmaster Champion Of Champions!
CHEERING
This is IT. The final showdown.
Soon we'll find out which of our
champions has proven that they are
the one and only competitor worthy
of the Champion Of Champions title.
Let's get on with it, shall we?
CHEERING
Here for your entertainment,
awe and pity are...
Bob Mortimer!
Josh Widdicombe!
Katherine Ryan!
Noel Fielding!
And Rob Beckett!
And next to me, hanging on my every
word like a rabid little puppy...
HIGH PITCHED VOICE: ..it's little
Alex Horne!
Anything to say for yourself?
I, er, look nice. I've done my hair.
I've made it wet
and straightened it.
Right. And I've done my teeth.
I've had the worst one removed.
That's good. Like the film stars.
It's an exciting day, I've got some,
er, in case it all kicks off,
I've got some safety party poppers.
Oh. So they're just normal party
poppers
but I've taped a sandwich bag
round it to collect...
..the insides.
To protect your eyes and limbs. Do
you want me to do one? Yes, please.
OK.
FAINT CLICK
SHOUTING: I took the bang out.
I took the bang out as well.
Took the bang out as well, did you?
OK, well, first,
let's remind people,
this is the second part of the two
part Champions special. Yep.
The first part was
won by Katherine Ryan.
But anything could happen
this time round
and for this final of the
Champion Of Champions special,
we thought we should create a super
tough prize category
and by "super tough", I mean vague.
Because we've asked them
to bring in the best thing.
Ooh... Very vague.
Whoever's thing you deem best will
kick off the final with five
youthful points and the winner
of this episode will go home
with five of the best things ever.
OK, here we go. Let's start
the other end to last time.
Rob Beckett, what have you
brought in and why, Rob, why?
I've brought in Del Boy's ring.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Ooh.
I did a sitcom and the lady who did
all the wardrobe stuff,
her first job was on Only Fools And
Horses and she, in her bag,
had his ring and we got on well
and then, at the end of it,
as a present, she gave it to me
at the end of the episode, so.
AUDIENCE: Aww.
So, I've got Del Boy's ring.
Yeah.
Um, who's next?
Noel, what have you brought in
and why's it so incredible?
It's the Kasabian boys
and they've composed a little
song for the winner, called,
You're The Best Thing. OK.
Here are the Kasabian boys.
# You're the best thing
# You're the best thing
# You're the best thing
# You're the best thing
# You're the best thing, you are
# You're the best thing, you are!
# You're the best thing, you are. #
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What an awful forum for the Kasabian
boys to lose their record contract.
Katherine.
Well, Romesh Ranganathan, Taskmaster
alumnus,
he tweeted out his outrage
when an embroidery artist called
Alison created a photo of him
that was less than flattering.
And I thought, "It makes him
so angry,
"I've got to buy it.
It's spectacular."
Oh, great. And then, just to really
upset Romesh,
I, er, made it into a jacket
emblazoned with the date that
he's doing quite an important gig at
the Greek Theatre in LA.
Here it is.
Wow, that is amazing.
And look at his boobs.
Because the head's actually fairly
accurate, isn't it?
So presumably he has got one
tit in the middle of his chest?
Josh.
Are we not discussing the fact
that you made me
sing the theme tune under the guise
it was a task everyone was doing?
We're going to slip by that.
So I don't even get a point?!
Correct.
Josh, Josh, when we did our series,
he made me paint his shed!
What did you bring in?
Um, I thought, "What thing
in my life is the most valuable,"
you know,
so I thought, "Well, my house."
Here we go.
Now, obviously,
I still need to live in that house.
But you can have the keys, you can
come and go as you please...
Who else lives in the house?
Er, my girlfriend and our baby.
Oft, pfft.
So...
You are more than welcome to be
part of the thing that I think is
the best, my house and my family.
Aww. Aww.
I do put it on the chain from 11pm
so you will need to text ahead.
Bob, you can steal this. I feel it.
Well, I bought in my best
possession.
Which is my broccoli rotation
and delivery unit.
Which I use both to teach my kids to
fall in love with broccoli
and if you're having, like, a do.
The adults quite enjoy it as well.
Best thing I've got, Greg.
It does move, do you want to see it
action, Greg? Yes, please.
OK, this is the broccoli...
I'll tell you now, it's right,
it's right up there.
Oh, there he goes again.
I would say it's quite
similar to the sausage dispenser you
brought in earlier in the year.
You've got that right. But it's a
completely different purpose.
Right then. Five things.
Yep. Which is the best?
In last place, sorry,
I just don't want to see
a mid-titted Romesh Ranganathan.
Whoa.
And I'm going to do a joint third
place, if that's all right.
OK, so for three points...
I think that an elephant with
a piece of broccoli on the end
of it is exactly as good as, um...
..Josh Widdicombe's house
and family. You absolute...
APPLAUSE
And imagine if you were the biggest
band in the country
and you were
beaten by Del Boy's ring.
Yes but they're just
pissing around outside a toilet.
That's what's happened, Noel is
in second. The winner of the task...
Beckett takes it.
There we go,
Rob Beckett gets five points.
We're off. Hit me with a task that
really tested their mettle.
Here we go.
Mmm, briefcase.
Whoa, yup. Hello there, Bob.
Hello there.
FRANTIC DIGITAL BLEEPING
Wow. What does that mean?
"What's in the case?"
What's in the case?
So, it's locked.
"Your time starts..." "..now."
You know when you get a vibe that
something's not your bag?
What?!
Uh, who are we going to see first?
Well, they've got to crack the code.
There's three digit numbers, there's
a thousand possibilities there.
We're going to see Katherine
and Bob first of all. Lovely.
THAT number. No, it's an H.
Um, oh...
"How much rice is in the drawer?!"
No way.
Could be a longun, lads.
Buckle down.
These are not real drawers.
These are painted-on drawers.
I mean, I'm at a loss here.
Why can't, if there was a drawer,
I'd be able to see it...
200,000 divided by 40...
Equals...
Well, I don't fucking know.
Argh! Drawer.
Pineapple.
Oh, my fucking God. What is real?!
And there's rice in there...
No!
It's probably bloody written
somewhere, isn't it?
60... 62... 64... 66...
If it isn't that, that's great.
I hope...
201.
Yep, yep, yep.
It is.
I hope it's sweets.
Frozen peas.
Frozen peas.
Katherine. It was just drawers
all the way for you.
I was worried that the British had,
like a different,
cos we don't say, "wardrobe."
We say, "closet."
So I was thinking,
"Maybe drawers means pineapple."
Do you want to know how long
she took? 201... Yes, I do, please.
Well, it was five minutes
and four minutes and two minutes
and three minutes, so 14 minutes.
And three seconds.
Lovely.
Bob, I believe that the first
conclusion
that Einstein reached was
E = I don't fucking know.
One thing Bob said during it
was that he'd,
"had his maths
removed from his anus."
How long did Bob use his brain
and found your little ticker tape?
Well, he found my ticker tape in 7
minutes, 42 seconds. Ah. Ooh.
OK, time for some ads.
Or adverts or advertising,
whatever you want to call it.
See you in 201 seconds.
APPLAUSE
Good morning. Welcome back to
Taskmaster Champion Of Champions.
What have people missed, Alex?
Oh, just some really top level
entertainment television, Greg.
The Champions were trying to
work out a code to crack open a
briefcase.
We've seen two of the contestants
find some of the clues.
Next up, it's Josh Widdicombe,
do you want to see
if his technique
reflects his personality?
Yes, please. OK.
So, 200,000 divided by 40...
Equals X.
So, 5,000...
..minus...
What the... I mean, what?!
This is just maths.
How is that a TV show?
No offence to Countdown.
So, 5,000 minus ten...
So that's 4,900...
..divided by...
..2,500 plus ten...
..divided by...
..times...
..one.
So the answer is 201.
Oh!
Ah! First one's off.
Second one's not.
Yes, it fucking is.
APPLAUSE
Peas. Frozen peas.
That's really impressive.
Thank you cos I did it
and then suddenly, I was the dweeb.
I will have you know,
I am not a dweeb.
I wasn't expecting it. Were you
expecting it? Yes, I think so.
You were very quick. I mean,
there was lots of difficult maths.
There were three equations that all
related to each other
and he worked it out in five minutes
and 30 seconds.
Wow. Wow.
Fastest so far. Blimey. Who's next?
Now let's see series 3 champion,
Rob Beckett, give Italy crack.
Here we go.
What would be faster is
if I could keep shouting guesses.
Water, rice...
Pasta.
Big block of something frozen.
Ice creams, lollies.
Big block of ice, innit?
I don't know what's in it.
Erm... You can leave the room,
obviously. Frozen peas.
Stopped, has it? Yeah, I've stopped
the clock, yeah. Why?
That's a bit weird, isn't it?
Well, it's fastest to get
the correct answer.
It's frozen peas, isn't it?
Brilliant, thanks Rob. No worries.
You nailed it, incredible.
Peas. I don't know.
That was absolutely amazing.
Don't think, just do.
What time? Well, as we know, Josh
worked it out in five minutes 30,
Rob sussed it out in five
minutes 45.
ALL: Ooh...
So close. It's just, er, Noel.
Yes, we're going to go from guest
work to field work. Noel Fieldwork.
Fielding, Fieldwork,
didn't quite work... Here we go.
"Your time starts...
"..now." A slipper? Erm...
Some cheese?
Uh, a balaclava? I'll stop the clock
if you get it right.
Uh, a goal keeping glove?
An ant-eater.
A drawing of an ant-eater.
Some corks.
Tim Key? I wish.
Can I smash this case to pieces?
Do whatever you want. OK.
See you later.
I'm never going to break this.
Hammer. There's got to be a hammer.
AUDIENCE GASP
Yes!
What's in the case? Peas!
It's an incredible job.
You guessed the following things, as
far as I could make out... Slipper.
Some goalkeepers' gloves.
Some cheese. An anteater.
A picture of an anteater.
And then you went straight to,
"I'm going to fuck this case up."
I thought, if it was an anteater,
"I've got to get that guy
out of there."
Great. What, um... The time?
Yep. What's the time?
Well, at the moment Josh
is in the lead with five minutes 30,
Noel Fielding took 19 seconds...
..and three minutes.
Can we see your messy little
scoreboard, please, Alex?
Course we can.
Well, thanks to the two slender
hammers, we've got a new leader.
Noel Fielding's on 9 points.
Shall we have another really testing
task for our former champions?
Well, this is one me
and the guys have been calling,
Face Off Bake Off.
Hmm.
Head. Hello.
Hello, ooh... Ow!
"Make a mask that tastes delicious
and looks great."
Totally my wheelhouse.
"Your mask must be entirely edible
and entirely wearable."
"You have ten minutes to plan your
mask and 20 minutes to make it."
"You must then wear your mask
so Alex can taste it."
Je. Sus. Christ.
"Most delicious and great looking
mask wins." I mean...
Noel Fielding is the fucking
maskmaker.
I went to Venice recently
and they had some good masks there.
First instincts,
omelette on the head.
I am so good at making masks.
You couldn't know how unfair this
is on the other people.
I'll get some skittles.
And some, some Wotsits.
The cheaper the Wotsit,
the greater the adhesion.
I need a large watermelon.
Hundreds and thousands.
Some hundreds and thousands.
This is going to be so good, man.
And those long, shoestring,
like, chewy candies.
Liquorice bootlaces.
Who don't love a strawberry lace?
Can I get all the different sweets?
No.
Spinach.
Who don't like strawberry jam?
Some jam. Some red jams.
Jam-s? Yeah, just, some,
I want a palette. A palette of jams.
"First instinct,
stick an omelette on me head."
Who don't like omelettes?
"The cheaper the Wotsit,
the greater the adhesion."
It's very true. Poetic.
"I want a palette of jams."
Fucking hell, who's first?
Well, there are a lot of, lot of
confidence there from these three.
Josh was less confident but we're
going to start with Katherine's
cos I'm very awkward around all
humans but particularly that gender.
He can't even say, "women."
Isn't that awful?
I haven't decided yet whether that's
what I am or not, so you're fine.
Oh, God, OK.
Hello. Do you like it?
Do I? Mm-hmm. Yes.
Nice skin. Thank you.
Erm, which bit would you,
which bit's the starter?
Erm, you like savoury,
so you could have a Wotsit eyebrow.
A Wotsit eyebrow.
Good? Mmm. Nice texture.
Good flavour, lots of flavours.
Your eyes are quite piercing.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I have also, my mask also includes,
head and hair.
Yeah, I might go for the hair next.
Mm-hmm.
Delicious, right? Mm-hmm.
Your lips are dripping a bit.
Mm-hmm.
I guess I'll just eat your eyes
and then we're done. Mm-hmm...
Mmm. Nice. Very sweet. Your mask
tastes delicious, thank you.
You're welcome.
What most interested me is how
unamused you were throughout that.
I, er, started to get really hot
and then I felt kind of sick,
so I just chose not to move
or speak.
You looked really forlorn.
So sad.
It seemed like a real low
point for you.
And it certainly was for Alex.
Sorry, Alex. "Your lip's melting..."
I didn't, I didn't go near the lips
in the end. I got a bit nervous.
Did you contemplate it?
Yes, for a...
It felt like hours of thinking,
"Do I, should I?"
What I found quite weird
was that he never ate my face,
what about you, lads?
Do you want to see
Josh Widdicombe's? Yes, who's next?
Oh, Josh Widdicombe. OK.
AUDIENCE GASPS
Hello, Josh. MUFFLED: It's Alex,
actually. Oh, hello, Alex.
Would you like to kiss me? Pardon?
Lovely tongue. Thank you.
SNORTING
I've eaten one of my eyes. Oh, no.
JOSH LAUGHS
Ah... I don't like it, Jesus...
I'm going to eat some of my hair
and then we're done.
Oh, God...
Oh, no.
Thank you for that.
MUFFLED: Thank you.
You weren't at all uncomfortable
there, were you?
It was quite an intense experience.
I felt a slight sense of revenge cos
he was trying to
recreate my own face.
Yeah, it looked exactly like you.
He said that I had,
"sad eyes and a thin little mouth.
"An idiosyncratic medieval face."
Tick, tick, tick.
That's the halfway point reached.
Not long now
until someone gains free access to
Josh Widdicombe's house
and I give my body away.
Hello and hi, it's part three
and we've been luxuriating in a spot
of face eating. We certainly have.
Now, I've eaten some pretty tasty
faces in my time, er, but
tonight proves how champion-worthy
these competitors are.
Just Bob, Rob
and Noel are to gobble.
First, Rob Beckett
and Noel Fielding's attempts.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Hello, Noel. Hi, how are you?
Let's taste the mask. Yep.
Mmm, that's lovely.
I'm going to start with the Crunchy
Nut Cornflake. OK. Ready? Yeah.
Got a lot of seeds.
Looks so sinister.
OK, I'm going to go in for dessert
now, Rob. Yeah, yeah. Help yourself.
There's pancakes up there.
Oh, that feels, I feel vulnerable.
Feels like brain surgery.
Yep, I felt that fork, then.
Is that your head just there?
Yeah, that's my brain.
The ol' noggin.
MOUTH FULL: That's lovely.
I'm going to eat the bridge
of your nose. Are you ready?
NOEL CHUCKLES
I'm going to have a little bit more.
Yep, mate, that is my hair.
Just seen the hair,
the hair is poking through.
Yeah, it would be if you cut it.
Your mask tastes delicious, Rob.
Wow. I feel like a scarecrow
who's getting pecked.
By a sort of red-headed crow.
See, I made a mask, I didn't just
put it straight on my face.
I think that's what...
I made a barrier.
No, because it's meant to be
entirely edible...
Thank you, I was about to point that
out myself, Katherine.
It's not supposed to have
Gaffa tape in it.
That would be very
dangerous for a dolphin to eat.
That's what I call Alex,
the Dolphin.
Rob, was it themed?
It looked like a sort of Northern
flat cap wearing man.
It's just supposed to be a working
man's lunch. Right. Yeah.
But as a... But as a mask.
Yeah, yeah, so I had, um,
Yorkshire pudding starter,
left over from Sunday roast.
Oh, lovely.
And then there was a peanut
butter wrap on the face
and then pancakes for dessert.
That staple Northern meal.
Mmmmm. One person left.
OK. That person is Bob Mortimer.
Let's see it. OK.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
GEORDIE ACCENT: Come to
me, human man.
Taste my facial flesh.
Howay, what's not to like?
Hello, Bob.
That's it. Take me in.
Go for my nose, pet.
Come on. Oh...
Oh, come on...
BOB MOANS WITH PLEASURE
Oh, yes, I'm a sinner.
I have sinned, come on, eat me.
Oh, thank you.
Oh...
Beautiful, mate.
Are there more like you
on your planet?
Argh, more!
Please. Enclose me. Howay.
Oh, I have sinned again!
I've sinned again, mon.
Mmm, well, I've tasted your mask.
Hey, Alex, it were just me.
Oh! It were just me.
What do you reckon? Sexy, yeah?
Thank you!
Bob, I think you were shouting out,
"I'm a s...
"I'm a sinner, I have sinned."
Yeah, I was.
That's what you shouted out
while Alex was eating your face.
Did he cure me?
Was that the little story?
Yeah, you kept saying, "Thank you."
It's your fucking mask, mate.
Do you want to see all five masks...
Yeah, yeah, I do.
Here they are.
Rob's is a little bit Phil Collins,
isn't it?
There was a period
when he was like that, wasn't there?
I genuinely think they're all
amazing. OK.
And it's very difficult but based on
what you told me about the flavours,
I'm going to mark Noel and Rob, I'm
going to give them two points each.
Because the combination
of flavours...
He's got fucking glue on his!
They're not edible!
Yours looks like
a sort of naan matador gone wrong.
Fucking horrifying.
It's like a Yorkshire
remake of the Halloween films.
"Eyup, you're all in trouble, now.
"I'm going to eat the lot of youse."
This is one of my favourite ones
ever, this is.
Right, OK, look, OK. We've got
two points for Noel and Rob.
It's really hard, OK?
I'm going to give Katherine three
points because I can't award
a lot of points to something that
made her that unhappy.
And Josh's,
it genuinely looks like you,
and he deserves the four
points for your awful assault.
And I mean, I just, I can't...
I can't not give Bob first place.
OK, fine.
Five points to Bob.
I guess we have to be brave now
and take a deep breath and
prepare to see the last task these
Champions ever tackled in the house.
Here's the last one.
All right?
"Make the biggest mess and..."
NOEL LAUGHS
"Make the biggest mess
and completely clear it up."
"You have ten minutes.
Your time starts now."
OK.
Do you reckon I could tip that?
Well, I for one,
am hoping we get to see him try.
We can start with him if you want.
Rob and Noel were both
caravan-bound.
Do you want to see where they went
and what happened? Hit me up.
There's a bit of go in it,
innt there?
Harder than it looks.
That's it. That's the mess, is it?
No.
I tell you what,
have you got a hose? Yes.
I'd say that was a mess, right?
Oh, it's a big mess.
Looks great, doesn't it?
Seven and a half minutes
to put that back?
Let's go.
I mean,
this is working absolutely...
Absolute charm, this.
This is great cos
I actually love tidying up.
Is there a broom?
It's like a game of memory,
I know where everything goes.
It's not really the kind of broom
I was after, but...
Oh...
Can you see, is there any flour
on my face? Not that I can... Oh.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Rob.
WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
Thank you, Noel.
This show brings up strange things
to come out of people's mouths
and I never thought I'd hear
Noel Fielding say,
"I really like tidying."
Is that a thing in your life,
you like a tidy?
I do like Hoovering, yeah. You left
the caravan tidier than when...
..you arrived in it.
So we appreciated that.
Yeah, he covered quite a big area.
Rob probably covered a bigger area
with his flour, right?
Yes, there was a lot of flour,
covered the whole driveway.
Bigger mess. Who's next?
Bob and Josh.
These two men. Bobbyjosh.
Let's get a grounding of cheese
puffs.
Oh, that's beautiful.
I don't know what I'm doing, Alex.
I'm panicking.
I'm panicking.
Ah, I'm panicking!
Panicking!
That's good.
So that's the mess.
This is now the challenge.
You've got six and a half minutes.
I'm sprinkling unsalted peanuts.
Messy bastards.
How long, Alex?
You've got two and a half minutes.
Oh, Jesus.
This bin's worse than I imagined.
How long, Alex? One minute 40, Bob.
One minute 40.
One more thing. Sugar cubes.
Away you go, you sweet little imps!
Right, tidy it up.
You've got 50 seconds, Bob.
WHISTLE BLOWS
DING
Still a bit of cleaning...
WHISTLE BLOWS
Sorry.
I've finished. Gave it my best shot.
You made a big mess.
Yeah, not very good Hoover.
Bob, I put it to you that you never
had any intention of clearing
that up.
None whatsoever, no.
On the two sides of the equation,
I realised that the mess
was where the fun lay.
Where the fun was.
Amazing. Josh.
It's the neatest mess I've
ever seen.
It was really messy. But by the time
you finished, it was lovely.
It looked really...
There were bins, there were eggs...
And there was... Biscuits.
I fantasised about you coming
and living with me
at one point during that.
Which bit? When I was messing or
when I was tidying?
Both.
Only one part left.
And in that part we WILL find the
Champion Of Champions. Yes, we will.
Here we are then. We made it.
The last chapter in our
Champion Of Champions special story.
But first, what was left to clear
up, Alex?
Well, Rob, Bob, Nob
and Job have all been making messes
and clearing them up. They are men.
We get to see Katherine Ryan's
slightly different take
on making a mess.
OK. I'm going
to make some phone calls.
Mess with my family.
I'm just going to tell them
each a lie.
DIAL TONE
I'm in class, what do you want?
Yep, um, I just need to
talk to you
about something quite
serious for a minute...
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine
it's just that
I have news from people back home
that Alan is cheating on you.
No, they saw him in a bar and he was
making out with this lady...
Well, I've been cheating on him
for the last six months
so what's your deal?
OK, well...
I'll get more information for you
when I have it, though.
It might be not true
but it feels true.
Bye.
She wasn't that surprised, OK.
Um, OK, I'm going to call my dad.
How long has she been with Alan?
They've been married for two years.
DIAL TONE
Hello? Hi, Dad, how are you?
Good, how are you? I am well.
I've got, um,
something that Carrie just told me.
OK. She's pregnant
and it's not Alan's.
Ha-ha...
Why are you laughing? I'm serious.
April the first, is it?
No, no, I'm dead serious.
It's like some bad news. Ha-ha...
Oh, you're turning me out...
No, I'm not, I'm not, it's like...
KATHERINE'S DAD KEEPS ON LAUGHING
Hey, I didn't come over here
on the last banana boat, you know.
OK. Well, I've got to go then.
I've got to go then
and lie to someone else.
All right, bye. OK, bye.
Fucking. God.
You've one minute 45. One minute 45
seconds? This is not... To clear up.
This is no good for a mess, damn it.
So, sorry to bother you again,
I just realised that it was NOT Alan
who was making out with
that girl at the bar, it was someone
else who works with Alan.
But because they're both
Filipino...
My friend got terribly confused.
So I'm really sorry,
I hope you didn't...
I hope I didn't make a mess.
Well, I just told him
that I'd been cheating on him.
Oh, ho... No, you didn't.
I did. Well, just tell me
you're joking.
Oh, my God, OK, love you, thanks.
I'll call Alan, I'll call
Alan real quick
and tell him
my sister's not cheating on him.
DIAL TONE
Hello? Hello, yes?
Hi, I just want you to know, Carrie
was just playing a big
joke on you so she's not cheating
on you, Alan, everything's cool.
Enjoy your marriage.
Haha, well, this is Abe. Shit.
Is Alan there?
Can you call Alan and tell him?
Oh, no...
Well, I'll see Alan tonight. Good.
Well, tonight might be far too late,
so... OK, thanks.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Enjoy Christmas.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Jesus Christ.
Are Alan
and your sister still together?
Well, my sister, like my dad,
knew I was lying.
So she lied to me
and said she cheated on her husband
but of course she never would,
they have a wonderful marriage.
Your commitment to entertainment...
..is impressive. Yeah.
And you know what? People
shouldn't be getting married anyway.
Yeah. You're probably helping them
out in the long run.
Well, we've seen all the messes,
Greg. Yeah, OK. Man.
All right, well, I'm going
to put Bob in last place
because he was just having fun.
So he can have one point.
It's not about fun, is it?
It's not about fun.
This is going to sound really harsh
but I don't think Josh's mess
was very messy.
What?!
There was eggs everywhere, there was
bins on the floor! One bin.
I do feel bad though because he did
a lovely job cleaning up
so can we give him three points?
OK. Joint second. Joint second.
Noel and Rob. Because of the mess.
You know, I think they both
made a nice mess.
They both did a nice job of cleaning
up. But Jesus Christ, if...
..if for the sake
of an entertainment show on Dave,
Katherine Ryan's prepared
to fuck her own family up...
She's going to get the five points.
So, in a way, she won the task.
How are things looking
before the final task then, Alex?
Uh, there's five points separating
the five people.
Katherine is now on double
figures with ten
but Noel is in the lead with 15.
Here we go.
CHEERING
Just one thing left then.
Will you all please take to the
stage for the final
task of the Champion Of Champions!
Um, I think we should get Katherine
to read out the task, please.
Oh, uh, I've got heelies on
but they don't work on this floor.
Thank you, Alex.
OK.
"Record the highest
total of steps on your pedometers.
"You may not touch your blindfold.
You have 100 seconds."
OK, please don your blindfolds.
Blindfolds on.
You have six pedometers on your
ankles, wrists, midriff and head.
Most steps recorded as a total wins.
You have 100 seconds,
starting on the whistle.
WHISTLE BLOWS
AUDIENCE CHEER
Where is the fucker?
APPLAUSE
Well done, Josh,
where are you going?
You're drifting. You're drifting.
You having a nice time, Bob?
Yes, thank you. Good, good.
Go on, Josh. Go on, Josh.
Keep going, Katherine. Ten!
AUDIENCE: Nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three, two, one.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Stay still, stay still, stay still!
What a glorious end to the
Champion Of Champions.
Please, make your way down
and we'll see how that's affected
the final scores!
Have you added up the steps?
Of course I have.
I did what you told me to do.
I added them up. And?
Well, erm,
the lowest score was 627 steps
and that was
recorded by Noel Fielding.
AUDIENCE GASPS
Lowest score?!
He was going like the clappers.
I think he's... He did move a couple
of them.
Put them on my feet.
And I think the moving
affected the score.
They weren't adjusted that well
when they were repositioned.
For which... I'm truly sorry.
And who's next? Well, Noel did 627,
Bob did 730 steps. Not bad.
With his wrists.
By using them on his hands.
840 steps were taken... ..by Rob.
He was going fast.
He looked like he was going to die.
Josh took over a thousand,
1,095. Wow.
Whoa. Katherine... Over 200 on each
part of the body, 1,263 steps.
CHEERING
Thank you, thank you.
How's that affected the final
scoreboards?
The final scoreboard,
it's very close at the top, but with
a score of 18, the winner of this
episode is Mr Josh Widdicombe!
Josh is the winner.
Please, Josh, go up and collect
the best prizes of all time.
So. What have we learnt today?
We've learnt that in life,
if you're battling demons,
and you need to be set free,
just get Alex to eat your face off.
But also we've learnt that Josh is
the winner of all the best
stuff, so well done, Josh!
34 hours of task-based television
and 6 million years of human
evolution have brought us
to this monumental moment in time.
Our five champions have all
proven their worth but only
one of them can win, just one
person can be the best of the best.
The greatest person EVER...
..to complete my important tasks.
It's now that I have to hand over to
Alex to give us the final scores.
Well, at this point, I also should
mention that, of course, the
winner will get this little trophy
to complete their Taskmaster set.
But in series 1 we didn't have this
trophy because we didn't know
if we'd have another series
so instead we gave them
quite a cheap karate trophy.
So IF Josh Widdicombe wins,
he will have to slot his karate
trophy into the top of the statue.
The others will...
The others will slot the head,
which will be more satisfying.
Fully understood. OK.
So, I've totted up the scores.
Fifth place with 24 points is
Bob Mortimer.
In fourth place with 32 points
is Noel Fielding.
And in third place with 35 points,
it's Katherine Ryan.
With 36 points, one point
off the lead, it's Rob Beckett.
So the winner, with 37 points...
..is Josh Widdicombe!
Well done.
You've collected all the parts
you need to complete the winner's
trophy.
The final task is to add the head.
You are the
Taskmaster Champion Of Champions.
Thank you, everyone,
thanks for watching. Good night!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media