Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Episode #4.6 - full transcript
Oh!
APPLAUSE
Hello! I'm Greg Davies.
Welcome to Taskmaster.
We're deep into the series now
and our contestants have really
been put through their paces.
They've stood before us exposed,
ridiculed, their many weaknesses
on display for all to see.
And why? All to take home this
simple facsimile of my head.
Let's meet my fans now.
Hugh Dennis.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Joe Lycett.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Lolly Adefope.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Mel Giedroyc.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And Noel Fielding!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And joining me tonight is my humble
little stat man, Alex Horne.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Is, er, is Horne your real name?
Ooh!
I don't... Is any name real?
Greg? You know what I mean? Yeah.
I don't know. No, it is. It is real.
Is it? Yeah? Yeah. Well,
I don't know. I don't know.
Mummy didn't say. She just said...
Well, left the letter
and there it...there it was.
Let's move on to today's
prize category, shall we, Alex?
Right you are. Today, we've asked
them to bring in their best
sheep-related item. Of course we
have. So, it's up to EWE... Oh, no.
This is going to be a series
of puns, right? It might be.
It's up to EWE. MEL: Oh! Yeah?
Yeah, I thought you might like it.
It's up to ewe, Greg Davies,
to decide who's brought in the best
sheep-related item. OK, BAA none.
If you notice anyone being SHEEPISH,
feel free to LAMB-aste them,
all right? The winner takes home all
the sheep stuff. I'm so sorry. Wow.
Noel! Good to see you.
What's your best sheep-related item
that you've brought in?
It's a little knitted effigy of
myself called woollen Noel. Oh.
That's really nice.
There's also a little element of
surprise in this knitted Noel.
Oh, yeah? Ooh.
MEL: Oh, no. No. Yes.
It's a very strong opening, Noel.
Thank you.
It was already strong before
I saw the woollen genitalia.
Mel, what have you brought us in?
I brought you some raw wool.
Some raw wool? Some raw...
Oh, I like my wool cooked.
We can show you the wool. Now, the
fun thing. Ooh. No, listen... Ugh.
You heard the reaction, Mel. No...
You heard the reaction
and what I heard was last place. No!
No, stay with me. We went on holiday
and we were a little bit bored.
It was a lot... Very rainy,
so we collected some raw wool,
and we played this game you had
to make yourself into
a 19th-century patriarch.
So we did Ibsen,
stuck it on ourselves,
we did Charles Dickens,
and my favourite, which I did,
was Isambard Kingdom Brunel. Pritt
down the sides and then wop on
a bit of that. It is so fun. Who did
you do it with? Your family? Yeah.
I'll tell you what that is.
That is disgusting skanky old wool
that's been stuck onto
the face of an insane family.
Erm, Hugh. I mean, you're safe.
You're not last.
I wouldn't bet on that.
I've brought my favourite sheep hat.
Let's see it. I was in Kenya,
actually, I was on the Rift Valley
and I bought this from a... Kenya.
Oh, you have to keep toasty
and warm, don't you? Yeah.
This is... I bought this
from a Kenyan sheepherder.
JOE: Oh, that's nice.
MEL: That's cute.
It looks better with the glasses,
I think. NOEL: Wow. MEL: Oh.
It depends what... I guess it
depends what you mean by "better."
It certainly looks that you should
be incarcerated tomorrow.
Erm, Joe? I thought long and hard
about my favourite sheep-related
item and I brought you a lamb shank.
APPLAUSE
It's on a... It's on a bed of mash
with a bit of gravy and a jus.
You know what jus is, right?
Not a clue. Not a clue.
It's a... It's a religion.
OK, Lolly. So, best sheep-related
item, I decided to get you a sheep.
I sponsored a sheep. Snowdrop the
sheep. You sponsored a sheep? Yeah.
She was in a... They're not an
endangered species. No... Yet. Yet.
They're fucking everywhere.
Where I come from,
you can scoop them up in a bucket.
This was... This was a stray sheep.
She was abandoned by her crew. Well.
MEL: Crew? She got into drugs.
By her crew? Yes, yes.
We can see Snowdrop.
Do you want to see Snowdrop?
I mean it's gone up a little bit.
When you said crew, I thought you
were exaggerating, but Snowdrop
is someone with anger management
issues, I can see that.
So, we've got five
sheep-related items. Yeah.
Mel, 100% definitely in last place.
Mm-hm. I don't believe it.
Erm, then... Mm?
Don't worry. Mm? Hugh. Oh.
Not last for the first time in
the series. Look how he's smiling.
He's comes second to last.
I'm going to put Noel and Joe
joint... Joint second? Joint second.
And I'm going to put Lolly first,
because when she picks sheep,
she picks an angry sheep
and I like that. Mm.
Ladies and gentlemen, Lolly Adefope.
Lolly Adefope wins the first task.
Well done. Unbelievable.
OK, shall we move on? Yes, let's go.
Relevant?
Has he got a name?
Stewart. Stewart.
I'm not sure I'm ready for this.
Get this camel through the
smallest gap.
You have ten minutes.
Your time starts now.
So, basically, you want me
to birth Stewart.
Get this camel. Get this camel.
Get this camel through the small...
Get this camel through
the smallest...
I know what all of the words mean,
but together, I find them confusing.
Mercifully, no-one did decide to,
I understand,
attempt to birth the camel. Lolly
is the youngest member of our team.
What we like about Lolly is that
she doesn't mess around. LOLLY: Mm.
And what I mean by that is that
she doesn't really give any of
the tasks any thought whatsoever.
I haven't seen this, genuinely,
but I'm going to guess,
that Lolly tries to drag that camel
through a small gap.
OK. Let's have a look.
4.4 centimetres.
Shove it through the gap.
Yay!
3.1 centimetres. 3.1, OK, cool.
WHISTLE
I was just having fun.
Just having fun.
You know,
that's the enthusiasm of youth.
Just get the job done, but, you
know, they were pretty small gaps.
They were smaller gaps
than I imagined.
Thank you. Yeah, well done.
3.1 centimetres was the
smallest gap. Mm-hm.
That's the same as an eye socket.
Imagine a camel, a camel going
into your... into your head.
An eye socket. Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah. Good.
I was just imagining dragging
a camel through your eyesockets.
Through my eyesockets.
Do you want to see Noel?
Noel, I mean, you would imagine,
would do something slightly
different to Lolly?
I would imagine that.
I suppose that's a gap, isn't it?
This is not it, this is just...
HE LAUGHS
Can we measure that and see what it
is? That's a 12 centimetre gap.
12 centimetre gap, OK. Gap.
Oh, well, I suppose
I could chop the camel up.
This is, I feel bad doing this.
What if you need to ride this home?
Camel's foot through the gap.
Here's a sentence that
you won't hear that often -
If only I had sharper scissors,
I could have put more of the camel
through the gap.
The camel's back hump through
the gap. Right.
All four feet of the camel,
the head, and one of the humps.
WHISTLE
You were very meticulous
with your snipping. Yeah.
Snipped the feet off, snipped one of
his humps off, snipped his head off.
It did start to feel like something
Jeffrey Dahmer would do.
Erm, how big was the gap that
he attempted to force his
dismembered camel through?
Well, he used a paintbrush and
he poked 8% of the camel through
a four centimetre gap,
which is exactly the same as the
inside of a kitchen roll.
That is disappointing, isn't it?
Catastrophic timing, but needs must
and ads pay big dollar.
See you soon.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Lolly has put a lovely sheep up
for adoption, unaware that if
the others win it, they'll either
cook it, shave it, or knit it.
For now, back to the camel task.
Camel task, yes.
So we have seen Noel and
Lolly's attempts.
Lolly's in the lead at the moment.
Next up, Joe and Hugh and Dennis.
Have we got a blender?
Yeah.
See, I'm wondering.
Sorry, Stewart.
Do you think just like that?
BLENDER WHIRS
No, that's not worked thus far,
has it?
No, that's absolutely
not working at all.
I think more fluid will do it.
Give me a break, Stu.
I'm going to give up on the blender.
The blade's come off, look.
It's no wonder it wasn't working.
I've broken the liquidiser. I'll
have to find another method now.
Get fucking through it, Stewart.
Fuck.
OK, right. I've got to choose
a gap now.
Yes, yes. Yeah, right, OK.
25 seconds.
WHISTLE
WHISTLE
It's hard, isn't it?
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
I mean, no-one has sounded
more like a serial killer
on this show than you.
You started off quite singsong.
"Yeah, that's just like that," as
you were cutting the camel in half.
"Just like that." And then you said,
"I think more fluid will do it."
And then you started to get
cross and you said,
"Get fucking through, Stu!"
I wasn't anticipating that the
blender would be as shit as it was.
I do think that our blender
thwarted both of your ambitions.
Certainly it thwarted yours, Hugh.
Well, Joe went after Hugh,
I should say, so Hugh broke it
with the camel and then
we didn't mend it in time for Joe.
Didn't work anyway. I see.
I thought yours was fairly
impressive, Hugh.
Yeah, he spatchcocked the camel
and then he got through a...a hole.
What did he do, mate? Spatchcocked
a camel. Spatchcocked it?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you do that and
you spread it like that.
Yeah, spatchcock it,
pull it through a doorframe.
The gap was nine millimetres,
which is the equivalent of
a very small hole, if you
imagine that. Oh, excellent.
Joe did get it through
a 4.6 centimetre gap in shelves but
he failed to get the whole camel
through the chopping board handle.
OK, so this is the final attempt,
Mel Giedroyc and a camel.
Right. OK. Bring it.
OK. Right. I think we can do it.
I think we can do it. Come on.
Come on, gang. Let's do it.
Red light.
2 minutes 20. Right, I can see
the high road. This is good.
The shops are there, brilliant.
Seen it. It's over there. It's tiny.
You've got one minute, one minute.
OK, it's absolutely tiny.
What time is it? Yes! Yes! Yes!
Shall we go? Yes, let's go now.
Brilliant.
So good. Really good.
Well, I've got to ask the question,
is there a smaller gap
than Baby Gap? No.
Baby Gap's the smallest
in the brand.
And therefore, she took the camel
through the smallest Gap possible.
Yes, and the security cameras
will have recorded Mel Giedroyc
running in with a camel
and running out again with a camel.
Well, I've got to say,
I thought it was awesome
and I'm going to make
Mel the winner.
I'll tell you that right now.
Mel won it and then it goes,
Hugh, Lolly, Joe,
and then Noel at the end.
So there we go.
I understand, Alex,
that as a lovely treat,
we're going to let the contestants
take their camels home.
I mean, these are Lolly's and Mel's
camels here, we've got them.
If we could see the ladies'.
They had quite a nice time.
Fine, absolutely fine.
Their camels look as happy as
it's possible to look, right? Mm.
You told me that we had a
professional seamstress put these...
Yes, I did it, and, erm...
The victims look like this.
And they can take them home.
And after that, the scoreboard
looks like this. Whoa!
Yeah, Lolly Adefope on eight points.
Exciting times. What's next, then?
It is time for some sport
and littering. Lovely.
Hi, Joe. Hello. You look nice. Thank
you. I thought I'd go low-key today.
Do I need boots?
No.
God, it's quite... It's bloody
knackering when you see
the size of a pitch, isn't it?
Imagine having to run
all the...all along.
Score the best goal
with this plastic bag.
You may not handbag the bag.
Yeah, it's like a handball,
but with a bag. Oh.
Most skilful, fastest
and the fewest kicks wins.
No boots for me? No trainers?
Does your time start now?
I was just checking on the trainer
front. I've got high heels on.
Get the bag into the goal?
You've got to score a goal with it.
Your time starts now.
Football. Football!
Are you a big football fan, Mel?
To play or to watch? Well, both.
I can just see that you
know the lingo.
"Imagine having to run all along."
Imagine that!
Yeah, I thought we had a good game.
Some of the lads were running
all along. All along.
Shall we confirm the rules? Yeah.
So you couldn't handbag the bag.
Oh. OK, you couldn't touch
the bag. Yeah.
Fastest, fewest kicks, and a bonus
point for the most skilful goal.
Lovely. OK, shall we start
with Lolly and Noel? Yeah.
So, I can't touch the bag?
With your feet, you can.
I can touch the ball. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. The plastic bag is the ball.
Bastard. This is a tricky one.
SHE GROANS
Oh, this is so hard!
That's slowed down. That's not...
Oh, this is a nightmare.
This bag's fucking hopeless.
Goal!
That was so annoying.
Seeing some genuine skill there.
I'm all right at football,
so I thought,
"Oh, this will be one I can do."
And then I found myself in
gold, sort of, cowboy boots. Yeah.
Trying to thread a
shopping bag over
a sort of football from the 1930s.
Lolly. So, Lolly scored a goal after
five minutes and four seconds
and she only kicked it eight times.
Uh, Noel... What about old
clippy-cloppy pointy boots?
Took seven minutes and 12 seconds
and kicked it 42 times.
42 times. There's a
hefty time penalty for that.
Right, just to say, we have
a break now, so stop the action.
See you in part three.
Welcome back to part three of
Taskmaster. Alex, what's going on?
Well, all our five comics have been
trying to score a goal with
a plastic bag. The next scheduled
match is Mel and Joe United.
OK, so we've united the clips
and I've said United like in
Chesham United, so I've done
a little, little joke and...
You're very... So sorry,
I've totally zoned out. Yeah.
Here we go.
Oh, it's fastest, isn't it?
I was just trying to roll it
into my trouser.
I'm just going to stick with this.
This is exhausting.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Oh, oh, look. Look.
Look!
I got a tag on my shoe. Right, I've
got it. I've got it. I've got it.
I'm not actually touching the bag.
I'm just touching the tee.
I'm not kicking. I'm dragging.
AHHH!
YES!
Yeah! He's only gone and done it.
Stop the clock. Great goal, Mel.
BREATHLESS: That is so exhausting.
Mwah!
You're welcome.
Great start to the season.
Genuinely impressive.
For me, I wish I could give extra
points for the celebration. You can.
Oh, OK. Yeah!
Did Mel touch that bag, then?
There was a hint of a handbag.
Mmm. There was a... Oh, lads, there
was a tee. There was a golf tee.
Yeah. Listen, my friend,
the fact you decided to use
a golf tee is enough for me.
I know there was no intent there
and I'm going to let you off
that little touch.
Is that a good thing?
There's good news and bad
news for Joe.
He was incredibly quick, 1:54.
He did kick it 77 times.
A 385-second penalty for that.
Great start to the season.
I mean, the whole country's looking
forward to seeing Hugh Dennis
score a goal with a plastic bag.
There is a bonus point for the
most stylish goal. Let's go.
CHEERING
Score the best goal
with this plastic bag.
OK. You ready?
He's off! He's off!
Wait a second! Wait a second!
CROWD: Hugh! Hugh! Hugh! Hugh!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Awooga!
We only gave you that crowd
because we felt sorry for you,
thought you needed
a bit of encouragement,
but in fact you are
a glorious bag baller.
Incredible. I mean, I've never seen
a reaction in the studio like that
in my life, Hugh. It's incredible.
Someone got so excited,
they shouted out "Awooga!"...
..which is a catchphrase from
a '90s TV show.
"I'm so excited I'm going to refer
back to Gladiators!"
Do you want to know the stat?
Oh, God, I do.
Well, three seconds quicker than Joe
and zero kicks at all. Zero kicks?!
Drag, drag, drag. Spin, spin, spin.
That is how to play it. Scorpion!
That's how to play it. Yeah.
The rest of them are
slightly complicated.
I had to use a graph to see
how the rest have done.
So, lowest bar on the graph
will be the winner.
So, that's how long they took.
And then we had to add the
five-second penalty for every kick.
So, in last place it was Noel,
then Joe, Lolly, Mel and the winner,
of course, Mr Hugh Dennis!
MEL: Awooga!
Is there a bonus point?
JOE: Can we just clarify?
Hugh would like to know if
he gets the bonus point for the most
stylish goal, and I just wanted
to double check that I got mine
for running around.
There's only one bonus point
to be given out,
and I will be giving it to the
person who blew his own trumpet
the most, and that was without
question you.
Joe Lycett gets the bonus point!
Well done, Joe. Well done.
I've been thinking, Alex. Oh, yeah,
Greg? Isn't Mel lovely? Mel...?
Mel Giedroyc? Giedroyc. Lovely.
She's so positive.
But I find that she's positive
whatever we throw at her.
Yeah, well, you asked me to do
a visual collage, didn't you,
of her positivity? Yeah. Can we have
a look at that? Here we go.
SHE GASPS
Ah. Ohh. Nice.
SHE GASPS
Ahh. Oh... Excellent.
Excellent. Marvellous. Amazing.
Incredible. Epic.
Aww. Oh! Ohh! Oh, look!
Oh, look! Oh, good. Oh, brilliant.
Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant!
Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant.
Great. Amazing.
Amazing. Yes. Yes, yes, yes!
Boom. Absolutely marvellous.
SHE PLAYS TUNE WITH HER ZIP
What...
a penis.
She's always like that, isn't she?
Mm. But is it what the show's about?
Is it what Taskmaster's about?
Because we brought these
people here to challenge them, not
for them to have a lovely old time.
No. So, you asked me to push her
to her limit, so we did set one
little extra task while we were
at the home of football,
Chesham United. Oh... Just for Mel.
Let's see if she can stay nice.
Was I the only one that had to do
this? GREG AND ALEX: Oh, yes.
"Hide this ball from Alex."
How the heck am I going
to hide that?
"You may not damage the ball.
You have five minutes.
"Your time starts now."
That is absolutely ludicrous.
"Absolutely ludicrous," she said.
I did.
You may not have heard it,
but she also used the work "Heck."
Oh, my God! Yeah... Heck?! Heck.
And of course that's Mel's
equivalent of...
BOTH: Mega... DING!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, dear!
There's more swearing to come.
Here we go. This is Mel's attempt.
Oh, no. Ha!
Oh, bollocks.
Oh, bollocks!
Don't go over... Good.
Come on, come on.
Oh, bollocks!
Bollocks. This is horrendous!
I'm coming! There it is.
Mel! I can see it.
Come on, my beauty.
Nothing to see!
Nothing to see here, Alex!
You're... No. You're off your head.
That annoys me. Ohh...
NOEL: Was that you angry?
Was that as angry as you get?
I had a human failure. I did.
Really did push her,
didn't we? She was annoyed.
There was a bit of background
to that, as well. We also got Mel,
as another task, to inflate the ball
in the house. Yeah.
This took 45 minutes.
I can't reach it!
We then got her to score a goal
in the garden with the ball,
which meant she had to deflate it
to get it out of the door.
That took 25 minutes.
Woohoo! Still happy, though.
Still happy.
It was awful!
Mel Giedroyc is officially nice.
Another task, please, Alex.
With everyone. OK, Greg. Here we go.
Hello. Have I got to do an autopsy?
Hello. Hi.
Cool. Thought that was you
for a second. No, I'm here.
Is it how fast you can go to sleep,
cos I'm really good at that.
We'll melt that later.
Right, come on.
"Work out what's
in the sleeping bag."
"You may not look
in the sleeping bag."
"You may not take items out of
the sleeping bag."
"You have five minutes.
Your time starts now."
So, I can feel it. Ooh. Er...
Oh, wow.
I remember us coming up with
the idea for this one. Mh-hm.
It was when we went camping,
wasn't it?
Well, you took me camping,
which I appreciated,
and then you kept getting me to feel
what was in your sleeping bag.
I knew what was in it. Yeah.
Felt nice, though, didn't it?
It felt lovely. Thank you.
Let's move on.
OK. Start with Noel and Lolly.
I have no idea. There's lots of
things. Is it more than one thing?
You've got to tell me that, Noel.
Oh, right. Really?
That smells a bit weird.
Erm, a book?
Do you want me to tell you which
book it is? That would be great.
A hardback book...
Oh, actually... Dictionary?
A dictionary? Yeah, maybe.
A hat. A hard hat.
That's a pith helmet.
A skipping rope? Skipping rope.
Um... A skipping rope?
Quite weird, like...
It's like a big chunk...
Oh, yeah. A big chunk.
..with four legs on it.
Oh, wow, what's this?
This is killing me. Tortoise.
This feels like a frisbee with
a lemon stuck to it.
Frisbee.
A bin lid. A bin lid.
KNOCKING
Lid or Frisbee?
WHISTLE
Lid.
WHISTLE
NOEL LAUGHS
Thanks, Lolly. Thank you so much.
That was my least favourite
of all the tasks. Really?
No, I liked it. OK.
Textbook Lolly, straight in.
Have a feel, see what you can find.
Yeah. Nice to see the
forensic young mind.
I've written down a quote from you.
"This feels like a big chunk
with four legs on it."
And it did, and it did.
And Noel smelt the bag for a bit.
Yeah, what's that all about, mate?
How can you identify books
by their smell?
Mind your own fucking business.
Why didn't either of them put
their hands in the sleeping bag?
That's what I want to ask. It just
said you couldn't look in it.
Yeah, you could put your hands in.
Or take things out. Have a feel.
Oh, for Pete's sake!
So, without feeling it,
they both guessed a book,
a skipping rope, a bin lid,
some sort of helmet
and either a turtle or a tortoise.
Lovely. OK?
Do you want to see what was
in the bag? Yes, please.
Well, luckily, we've got Hugh
next and he helped us out.
I'm not allowed to look in it?
Hang on.
"You may not look in it, you may
not take items out." All right.
Now, is there a difference
between taking items out
and items coming out?
Well, it's up to you, Hugh.
Well, I won't be taking them out,
physically taking them out,
but I will get them out.
Just by lifting the sleeping bag
up and pouring them out.
I'm just quoting you there,
"I will get them out."
I won't take them out
but they will come out.
But I haven't taken those out,
they've merely come out.
They just came out
of their own accord.
Just came out, because I turned
the sleeping bag upside down.
There is a policeman's helmet.
That's a tortoise, turtle,
turtle-tortoise, it's not real.
I got weed on by a tortoise once,
it was very unpleasant.
I would say that's fennel
attached to a Frisbee.
It's a skipping...rope
with carrots as handles.
Policeman's helmet.
The book is John Grisham's
A Time To Kill.
Have I broken any of the rules?
Well, I've not looked in it,
I haven't taken any items out of it.
You definitely haven't taken any
items out of the sleeping bag?
No. No.
I haven't physically taken them.
Thank you. Thank you, Hugh.
I don't know about that.
Not sure. "Oh, I didn't
take your virginity."
LAUGHTER
"It just sort of fell out."
To be fair, that's putting
something in, rather than...
I think... I think you know
you're bang to rights.
I think, no, I think take... You
have to physically take something.
Oh, you're going to go
with it, are you?
You were responsible
for those objects
coming out of the sleeping bag.
But I didn't take them out.
I didn't take them out.
I was there, and it looked
like you took them out.
Listen, I'm telling you now.
You fucked that.
What Hugh did do,
he confirmed that these two
got the tortoise and the book right.
They got two out of five. I got
skipping rope! Not made of carrots.
HORN BLARES
Oh!
And as always, that sound
signifies the end of part three.
See you for the fourth bit soon.
LAUGHTER
Hello! And welcome back.
Now, where were we?
Well, the comedians had to work out
what's in your sleeping bag, OK?
Hugh tipped it out.
Took the stuff out and we saw
that they were trying to identify
a carrot skipping rope,
a crime novel, a terrapin,
a policeman's helmet and a Frisbee
with fennel sellotaped to the top.
Classic, classic. There's no such
thing as a carrot skipping rope.
You just made that up.
Well, there is one, look.
It's not a real thing, though,
is it?
Right.
LAUGHTER
And you don't like flights of fancy,
Noel, do you?
APPLAUSE
It's time... It's time for the
next sleeping bag investigation.
What is that now? A hard hat.
That is... That's a Frisbee. No?
Oh, no, it's one of those...
No, it's not, is it? What is that?
That feels like a book. Do you want
to know specifically which book?
If you know. Do you know what? I'm
going to guess it's a crime novel.
THEY GASP
It's like a butt plug.
Don't put that down yet.
POPPING
I've broken whatever that is.
That's tricky, that one.
Right, it's something on a rope.
CRACKING
Yeah, it's Velcro, isn't it, that?
One of those things that you put
your hand in hand and you throw it,
like a...Velcro game.
Oh, that's a new thing.
Oh, it's a little tortoise.
WHISTLE
That's time out. It's tough, that.
APPLAUSE
What's the whole butt plug
thing about?
Oh, he thought, he knew
it was your sleeping bag.
He felt the carrot and he thought,
"Yeah, probably a butt plug."
Attached to a rope,
which I thought was very you.
Yeah. I do tend to panic.
How many did he get?
He got two out of five as well.
So, Lolly, Noel and Joe
have all got two out of five,
so they're all joint first at the
moment, but there is still Mel.
Do you want to see her attempt to
guess what's in the sleeping bag?
Yes, I do, please.
That's a YMCA helmet. A YMCA helmet?
Yeah, the guy that was
the construction manager.
Presumably, they've
got to all be linked.
That's a book.
That's a Frisbee with
a bit of Velcro on it,
which makes me think of
that kids' game.
I think I had a tortoise.
It was like a toy plastic tortoise.
You see, that could be
the end of a skipping rope.
Is it some really pervy outfit?
That he might wear on a night out?
Oh, right, breastplate.
A Roman soldier's helmet
and a breastplate. And a...
That... Right.
Set of combat equipment toys.
This, what's that thing?
Is it like a nunchaka? Nunchaka?
Something like that? Yes. Nunchaku?
I'm going to go with armour,
breastplate, helmet.
Sort of Roman combat items,
but for children.
That you use, you use in a garden.
With a book of instructions
on how to...
WHISTLE
Good.
So dramatically wrong
across the board.
You felt a construction
worker's helmet,
and you said it's a YMCA helmet.
Yes.
You are aware that construction
came before the Village People?
Did she get any right?
No, but weirdly, she does get points
because we've disqualified Hugh,
so she's come second-last.
Wow, that's incredible.
These three get five,
despite being useless.
Hugh, still cross but gets zero,
and Mel gets two points.
Scoreboard is looking like this,
with Lolly Adefope
still out in front.
Hey!
OK, up you get, off you go.
Please, make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!
CHEERING
That looks like a fascinating
collection of objects
in front of our contestants. Hmm!
Who shall we get to read out
the task, Alex?
Hello, Joe!
All right, bub!
"Prepare these items for
the second part of the task."
So, it's prepare the items
for the second part of the task.
And that's it?
That's the full instruction?
They've got to try to
second-guess us, Greg. OK.
OK, you've got one minute,
starting...
WHISTLE
Then.
Yes, whatever you want.
APPLAUSE
OK.
Just to say, they've got one egg,
some grapes, some gaffer tape,
three ducks, an orange,
which Hugh's tucking into.
Some glue, a stapler,
and a milk bottle.
Hello, Lolly. Hello!
Four seconds left. Two, one...
WHISTLE
Stop.
Mel's still preparing,
interestingly.
LAUGHTER
You ready to hear the second
part of the task? Yes. Joe.
We're going to start pretty much
straight away, so... Get ready.
I think you're fucked, Noel.
"Hold all your items in one hand.
"Then put your other hand
on your head.
"Fastest wins."
WHISTLE
Off you go!
That's it, isn't it?
CHEERING
No! No!
No!
WHISTLE
OK, we're saying we're done.
We're saying we're done.
MEL: You've got it, man.
Lots to digest there, Greg.
Yeah, yeah, he's holding me. Hmm.
And to be fair, even if I don't win,
I got to feel up Greg.
Come back down and let's see how
that's affected the scores! OK.
What a journey we've been on.
Talk me through it, Alex.
Are we happy that Noel held
all the items by holding you?
Yeah, I am happy. Ooh!
I mean, admittedly, that might be
because I enjoyed being held.
Well, we'll put Noel in first
place. It was instant, almost.
Oh, God, it was. Which bit?
Well done, mate.
Mel then held the whole lot
within clingfilm and on a table.
The rest, it goes Lolly, Hugh, Joe.
By the time you'd
gathered everything, Joe,
I'm afraid you were in last place.
Yeah. Sorry.
It means that final scores
look like this. Oh...
Lolly Adefope wins! She's done it!
CHEERING
Let's see series scores. Well done!
Just before we send you off
to collect your prizes,
let's have a quick update
on the series scores.
Yes, the series scores
are interesting.
Lolly may have won but she's
in last place overall. I'm sorry!
LAUGHTER
Let's bring her back down to size.
Lolly's got 92 points,
then Hugh with 96.
Joe and Mel on 100
and Noel's on 105.
So, with two shows to go,
it's exciting.
It still is...
Still all to play for. But tonight,
no-one can take it away from her,
Lolly has won.
Well done, Lolly.
Please go and claim your prizes!
That's it. Anything to add, Alex?
Yes, I'd like to say a
special hello and thank you
to all those watching
on catch-up television.
Go on, then. Hello, thank you.
KISS SOUND
So, what have we learnt today?
Well, we've learnt
when you think there's
no hope left in the world,
when all around us is chaos,
remember that tonight,
you saw a 55-year-old man score
an overhead goal with a plastic bag.
Let's hear it once more for our
winner tonight, though. Lolly!
CHEERING
LAUGHTER
Subtitles by Ericsson
APPLAUSE
Hello! I'm Greg Davies.
Welcome to Taskmaster.
We're deep into the series now
and our contestants have really
been put through their paces.
They've stood before us exposed,
ridiculed, their many weaknesses
on display for all to see.
And why? All to take home this
simple facsimile of my head.
Let's meet my fans now.
Hugh Dennis.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Joe Lycett.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Lolly Adefope.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Mel Giedroyc.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And Noel Fielding!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And joining me tonight is my humble
little stat man, Alex Horne.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Is, er, is Horne your real name?
Ooh!
I don't... Is any name real?
Greg? You know what I mean? Yeah.
I don't know. No, it is. It is real.
Is it? Yeah? Yeah. Well,
I don't know. I don't know.
Mummy didn't say. She just said...
Well, left the letter
and there it...there it was.
Let's move on to today's
prize category, shall we, Alex?
Right you are. Today, we've asked
them to bring in their best
sheep-related item. Of course we
have. So, it's up to EWE... Oh, no.
This is going to be a series
of puns, right? It might be.
It's up to EWE. MEL: Oh! Yeah?
Yeah, I thought you might like it.
It's up to ewe, Greg Davies,
to decide who's brought in the best
sheep-related item. OK, BAA none.
If you notice anyone being SHEEPISH,
feel free to LAMB-aste them,
all right? The winner takes home all
the sheep stuff. I'm so sorry. Wow.
Noel! Good to see you.
What's your best sheep-related item
that you've brought in?
It's a little knitted effigy of
myself called woollen Noel. Oh.
That's really nice.
There's also a little element of
surprise in this knitted Noel.
Oh, yeah? Ooh.
MEL: Oh, no. No. Yes.
It's a very strong opening, Noel.
Thank you.
It was already strong before
I saw the woollen genitalia.
Mel, what have you brought us in?
I brought you some raw wool.
Some raw wool? Some raw...
Oh, I like my wool cooked.
We can show you the wool. Now, the
fun thing. Ooh. No, listen... Ugh.
You heard the reaction, Mel. No...
You heard the reaction
and what I heard was last place. No!
No, stay with me. We went on holiday
and we were a little bit bored.
It was a lot... Very rainy,
so we collected some raw wool,
and we played this game you had
to make yourself into
a 19th-century patriarch.
So we did Ibsen,
stuck it on ourselves,
we did Charles Dickens,
and my favourite, which I did,
was Isambard Kingdom Brunel. Pritt
down the sides and then wop on
a bit of that. It is so fun. Who did
you do it with? Your family? Yeah.
I'll tell you what that is.
That is disgusting skanky old wool
that's been stuck onto
the face of an insane family.
Erm, Hugh. I mean, you're safe.
You're not last.
I wouldn't bet on that.
I've brought my favourite sheep hat.
Let's see it. I was in Kenya,
actually, I was on the Rift Valley
and I bought this from a... Kenya.
Oh, you have to keep toasty
and warm, don't you? Yeah.
This is... I bought this
from a Kenyan sheepherder.
JOE: Oh, that's nice.
MEL: That's cute.
It looks better with the glasses,
I think. NOEL: Wow. MEL: Oh.
It depends what... I guess it
depends what you mean by "better."
It certainly looks that you should
be incarcerated tomorrow.
Erm, Joe? I thought long and hard
about my favourite sheep-related
item and I brought you a lamb shank.
APPLAUSE
It's on a... It's on a bed of mash
with a bit of gravy and a jus.
You know what jus is, right?
Not a clue. Not a clue.
It's a... It's a religion.
OK, Lolly. So, best sheep-related
item, I decided to get you a sheep.
I sponsored a sheep. Snowdrop the
sheep. You sponsored a sheep? Yeah.
She was in a... They're not an
endangered species. No... Yet. Yet.
They're fucking everywhere.
Where I come from,
you can scoop them up in a bucket.
This was... This was a stray sheep.
She was abandoned by her crew. Well.
MEL: Crew? She got into drugs.
By her crew? Yes, yes.
We can see Snowdrop.
Do you want to see Snowdrop?
I mean it's gone up a little bit.
When you said crew, I thought you
were exaggerating, but Snowdrop
is someone with anger management
issues, I can see that.
So, we've got five
sheep-related items. Yeah.
Mel, 100% definitely in last place.
Mm-hm. I don't believe it.
Erm, then... Mm?
Don't worry. Mm? Hugh. Oh.
Not last for the first time in
the series. Look how he's smiling.
He's comes second to last.
I'm going to put Noel and Joe
joint... Joint second? Joint second.
And I'm going to put Lolly first,
because when she picks sheep,
she picks an angry sheep
and I like that. Mm.
Ladies and gentlemen, Lolly Adefope.
Lolly Adefope wins the first task.
Well done. Unbelievable.
OK, shall we move on? Yes, let's go.
Relevant?
Has he got a name?
Stewart. Stewart.
I'm not sure I'm ready for this.
Get this camel through the
smallest gap.
You have ten minutes.
Your time starts now.
So, basically, you want me
to birth Stewart.
Get this camel. Get this camel.
Get this camel through the small...
Get this camel through
the smallest...
I know what all of the words mean,
but together, I find them confusing.
Mercifully, no-one did decide to,
I understand,
attempt to birth the camel. Lolly
is the youngest member of our team.
What we like about Lolly is that
she doesn't mess around. LOLLY: Mm.
And what I mean by that is that
she doesn't really give any of
the tasks any thought whatsoever.
I haven't seen this, genuinely,
but I'm going to guess,
that Lolly tries to drag that camel
through a small gap.
OK. Let's have a look.
4.4 centimetres.
Shove it through the gap.
Yay!
3.1 centimetres. 3.1, OK, cool.
WHISTLE
I was just having fun.
Just having fun.
You know,
that's the enthusiasm of youth.
Just get the job done, but, you
know, they were pretty small gaps.
They were smaller gaps
than I imagined.
Thank you. Yeah, well done.
3.1 centimetres was the
smallest gap. Mm-hm.
That's the same as an eye socket.
Imagine a camel, a camel going
into your... into your head.
An eye socket. Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah. Good.
I was just imagining dragging
a camel through your eyesockets.
Through my eyesockets.
Do you want to see Noel?
Noel, I mean, you would imagine,
would do something slightly
different to Lolly?
I would imagine that.
I suppose that's a gap, isn't it?
This is not it, this is just...
HE LAUGHS
Can we measure that and see what it
is? That's a 12 centimetre gap.
12 centimetre gap, OK. Gap.
Oh, well, I suppose
I could chop the camel up.
This is, I feel bad doing this.
What if you need to ride this home?
Camel's foot through the gap.
Here's a sentence that
you won't hear that often -
If only I had sharper scissors,
I could have put more of the camel
through the gap.
The camel's back hump through
the gap. Right.
All four feet of the camel,
the head, and one of the humps.
WHISTLE
You were very meticulous
with your snipping. Yeah.
Snipped the feet off, snipped one of
his humps off, snipped his head off.
It did start to feel like something
Jeffrey Dahmer would do.
Erm, how big was the gap that
he attempted to force his
dismembered camel through?
Well, he used a paintbrush and
he poked 8% of the camel through
a four centimetre gap,
which is exactly the same as the
inside of a kitchen roll.
That is disappointing, isn't it?
Catastrophic timing, but needs must
and ads pay big dollar.
See you soon.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Lolly has put a lovely sheep up
for adoption, unaware that if
the others win it, they'll either
cook it, shave it, or knit it.
For now, back to the camel task.
Camel task, yes.
So we have seen Noel and
Lolly's attempts.
Lolly's in the lead at the moment.
Next up, Joe and Hugh and Dennis.
Have we got a blender?
Yeah.
See, I'm wondering.
Sorry, Stewart.
Do you think just like that?
BLENDER WHIRS
No, that's not worked thus far,
has it?
No, that's absolutely
not working at all.
I think more fluid will do it.
Give me a break, Stu.
I'm going to give up on the blender.
The blade's come off, look.
It's no wonder it wasn't working.
I've broken the liquidiser. I'll
have to find another method now.
Get fucking through it, Stewart.
Fuck.
OK, right. I've got to choose
a gap now.
Yes, yes. Yeah, right, OK.
25 seconds.
WHISTLE
WHISTLE
It's hard, isn't it?
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
I mean, no-one has sounded
more like a serial killer
on this show than you.
You started off quite singsong.
"Yeah, that's just like that," as
you were cutting the camel in half.
"Just like that." And then you said,
"I think more fluid will do it."
And then you started to get
cross and you said,
"Get fucking through, Stu!"
I wasn't anticipating that the
blender would be as shit as it was.
I do think that our blender
thwarted both of your ambitions.
Certainly it thwarted yours, Hugh.
Well, Joe went after Hugh,
I should say, so Hugh broke it
with the camel and then
we didn't mend it in time for Joe.
Didn't work anyway. I see.
I thought yours was fairly
impressive, Hugh.
Yeah, he spatchcocked the camel
and then he got through a...a hole.
What did he do, mate? Spatchcocked
a camel. Spatchcocked it?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you do that and
you spread it like that.
Yeah, spatchcock it,
pull it through a doorframe.
The gap was nine millimetres,
which is the equivalent of
a very small hole, if you
imagine that. Oh, excellent.
Joe did get it through
a 4.6 centimetre gap in shelves but
he failed to get the whole camel
through the chopping board handle.
OK, so this is the final attempt,
Mel Giedroyc and a camel.
Right. OK. Bring it.
OK. Right. I think we can do it.
I think we can do it. Come on.
Come on, gang. Let's do it.
Red light.
2 minutes 20. Right, I can see
the high road. This is good.
The shops are there, brilliant.
Seen it. It's over there. It's tiny.
You've got one minute, one minute.
OK, it's absolutely tiny.
What time is it? Yes! Yes! Yes!
Shall we go? Yes, let's go now.
Brilliant.
So good. Really good.
Well, I've got to ask the question,
is there a smaller gap
than Baby Gap? No.
Baby Gap's the smallest
in the brand.
And therefore, she took the camel
through the smallest Gap possible.
Yes, and the security cameras
will have recorded Mel Giedroyc
running in with a camel
and running out again with a camel.
Well, I've got to say,
I thought it was awesome
and I'm going to make
Mel the winner.
I'll tell you that right now.
Mel won it and then it goes,
Hugh, Lolly, Joe,
and then Noel at the end.
So there we go.
I understand, Alex,
that as a lovely treat,
we're going to let the contestants
take their camels home.
I mean, these are Lolly's and Mel's
camels here, we've got them.
If we could see the ladies'.
They had quite a nice time.
Fine, absolutely fine.
Their camels look as happy as
it's possible to look, right? Mm.
You told me that we had a
professional seamstress put these...
Yes, I did it, and, erm...
The victims look like this.
And they can take them home.
And after that, the scoreboard
looks like this. Whoa!
Yeah, Lolly Adefope on eight points.
Exciting times. What's next, then?
It is time for some sport
and littering. Lovely.
Hi, Joe. Hello. You look nice. Thank
you. I thought I'd go low-key today.
Do I need boots?
No.
God, it's quite... It's bloody
knackering when you see
the size of a pitch, isn't it?
Imagine having to run
all the...all along.
Score the best goal
with this plastic bag.
You may not handbag the bag.
Yeah, it's like a handball,
but with a bag. Oh.
Most skilful, fastest
and the fewest kicks wins.
No boots for me? No trainers?
Does your time start now?
I was just checking on the trainer
front. I've got high heels on.
Get the bag into the goal?
You've got to score a goal with it.
Your time starts now.
Football. Football!
Are you a big football fan, Mel?
To play or to watch? Well, both.
I can just see that you
know the lingo.
"Imagine having to run all along."
Imagine that!
Yeah, I thought we had a good game.
Some of the lads were running
all along. All along.
Shall we confirm the rules? Yeah.
So you couldn't handbag the bag.
Oh. OK, you couldn't touch
the bag. Yeah.
Fastest, fewest kicks, and a bonus
point for the most skilful goal.
Lovely. OK, shall we start
with Lolly and Noel? Yeah.
So, I can't touch the bag?
With your feet, you can.
I can touch the ball. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. The plastic bag is the ball.
Bastard. This is a tricky one.
SHE GROANS
Oh, this is so hard!
That's slowed down. That's not...
Oh, this is a nightmare.
This bag's fucking hopeless.
Goal!
That was so annoying.
Seeing some genuine skill there.
I'm all right at football,
so I thought,
"Oh, this will be one I can do."
And then I found myself in
gold, sort of, cowboy boots. Yeah.
Trying to thread a
shopping bag over
a sort of football from the 1930s.
Lolly. So, Lolly scored a goal after
five minutes and four seconds
and she only kicked it eight times.
Uh, Noel... What about old
clippy-cloppy pointy boots?
Took seven minutes and 12 seconds
and kicked it 42 times.
42 times. There's a
hefty time penalty for that.
Right, just to say, we have
a break now, so stop the action.
See you in part three.
Welcome back to part three of
Taskmaster. Alex, what's going on?
Well, all our five comics have been
trying to score a goal with
a plastic bag. The next scheduled
match is Mel and Joe United.
OK, so we've united the clips
and I've said United like in
Chesham United, so I've done
a little, little joke and...
You're very... So sorry,
I've totally zoned out. Yeah.
Here we go.
Oh, it's fastest, isn't it?
I was just trying to roll it
into my trouser.
I'm just going to stick with this.
This is exhausting.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Oh, oh, look. Look.
Look!
I got a tag on my shoe. Right, I've
got it. I've got it. I've got it.
I'm not actually touching the bag.
I'm just touching the tee.
I'm not kicking. I'm dragging.
AHHH!
YES!
Yeah! He's only gone and done it.
Stop the clock. Great goal, Mel.
BREATHLESS: That is so exhausting.
Mwah!
You're welcome.
Great start to the season.
Genuinely impressive.
For me, I wish I could give extra
points for the celebration. You can.
Oh, OK. Yeah!
Did Mel touch that bag, then?
There was a hint of a handbag.
Mmm. There was a... Oh, lads, there
was a tee. There was a golf tee.
Yeah. Listen, my friend,
the fact you decided to use
a golf tee is enough for me.
I know there was no intent there
and I'm going to let you off
that little touch.
Is that a good thing?
There's good news and bad
news for Joe.
He was incredibly quick, 1:54.
He did kick it 77 times.
A 385-second penalty for that.
Great start to the season.
I mean, the whole country's looking
forward to seeing Hugh Dennis
score a goal with a plastic bag.
There is a bonus point for the
most stylish goal. Let's go.
CHEERING
Score the best goal
with this plastic bag.
OK. You ready?
He's off! He's off!
Wait a second! Wait a second!
CROWD: Hugh! Hugh! Hugh! Hugh!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Awooga!
We only gave you that crowd
because we felt sorry for you,
thought you needed
a bit of encouragement,
but in fact you are
a glorious bag baller.
Incredible. I mean, I've never seen
a reaction in the studio like that
in my life, Hugh. It's incredible.
Someone got so excited,
they shouted out "Awooga!"...
..which is a catchphrase from
a '90s TV show.
"I'm so excited I'm going to refer
back to Gladiators!"
Do you want to know the stat?
Oh, God, I do.
Well, three seconds quicker than Joe
and zero kicks at all. Zero kicks?!
Drag, drag, drag. Spin, spin, spin.
That is how to play it. Scorpion!
That's how to play it. Yeah.
The rest of them are
slightly complicated.
I had to use a graph to see
how the rest have done.
So, lowest bar on the graph
will be the winner.
So, that's how long they took.
And then we had to add the
five-second penalty for every kick.
So, in last place it was Noel,
then Joe, Lolly, Mel and the winner,
of course, Mr Hugh Dennis!
MEL: Awooga!
Is there a bonus point?
JOE: Can we just clarify?
Hugh would like to know if
he gets the bonus point for the most
stylish goal, and I just wanted
to double check that I got mine
for running around.
There's only one bonus point
to be given out,
and I will be giving it to the
person who blew his own trumpet
the most, and that was without
question you.
Joe Lycett gets the bonus point!
Well done, Joe. Well done.
I've been thinking, Alex. Oh, yeah,
Greg? Isn't Mel lovely? Mel...?
Mel Giedroyc? Giedroyc. Lovely.
She's so positive.
But I find that she's positive
whatever we throw at her.
Yeah, well, you asked me to do
a visual collage, didn't you,
of her positivity? Yeah. Can we have
a look at that? Here we go.
SHE GASPS
Ah. Ohh. Nice.
SHE GASPS
Ahh. Oh... Excellent.
Excellent. Marvellous. Amazing.
Incredible. Epic.
Aww. Oh! Ohh! Oh, look!
Oh, look! Oh, good. Oh, brilliant.
Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant!
Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant.
Great. Amazing.
Amazing. Yes. Yes, yes, yes!
Boom. Absolutely marvellous.
SHE PLAYS TUNE WITH HER ZIP
What...
a penis.
She's always like that, isn't she?
Mm. But is it what the show's about?
Is it what Taskmaster's about?
Because we brought these
people here to challenge them, not
for them to have a lovely old time.
No. So, you asked me to push her
to her limit, so we did set one
little extra task while we were
at the home of football,
Chesham United. Oh... Just for Mel.
Let's see if she can stay nice.
Was I the only one that had to do
this? GREG AND ALEX: Oh, yes.
"Hide this ball from Alex."
How the heck am I going
to hide that?
"You may not damage the ball.
You have five minutes.
"Your time starts now."
That is absolutely ludicrous.
"Absolutely ludicrous," she said.
I did.
You may not have heard it,
but she also used the work "Heck."
Oh, my God! Yeah... Heck?! Heck.
And of course that's Mel's
equivalent of...
BOTH: Mega... DING!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, dear!
There's more swearing to come.
Here we go. This is Mel's attempt.
Oh, no. Ha!
Oh, bollocks.
Oh, bollocks!
Don't go over... Good.
Come on, come on.
Oh, bollocks!
Bollocks. This is horrendous!
I'm coming! There it is.
Mel! I can see it.
Come on, my beauty.
Nothing to see!
Nothing to see here, Alex!
You're... No. You're off your head.
That annoys me. Ohh...
NOEL: Was that you angry?
Was that as angry as you get?
I had a human failure. I did.
Really did push her,
didn't we? She was annoyed.
There was a bit of background
to that, as well. We also got Mel,
as another task, to inflate the ball
in the house. Yeah.
This took 45 minutes.
I can't reach it!
We then got her to score a goal
in the garden with the ball,
which meant she had to deflate it
to get it out of the door.
That took 25 minutes.
Woohoo! Still happy, though.
Still happy.
It was awful!
Mel Giedroyc is officially nice.
Another task, please, Alex.
With everyone. OK, Greg. Here we go.
Hello. Have I got to do an autopsy?
Hello. Hi.
Cool. Thought that was you
for a second. No, I'm here.
Is it how fast you can go to sleep,
cos I'm really good at that.
We'll melt that later.
Right, come on.
"Work out what's
in the sleeping bag."
"You may not look
in the sleeping bag."
"You may not take items out of
the sleeping bag."
"You have five minutes.
Your time starts now."
So, I can feel it. Ooh. Er...
Oh, wow.
I remember us coming up with
the idea for this one. Mh-hm.
It was when we went camping,
wasn't it?
Well, you took me camping,
which I appreciated,
and then you kept getting me to feel
what was in your sleeping bag.
I knew what was in it. Yeah.
Felt nice, though, didn't it?
It felt lovely. Thank you.
Let's move on.
OK. Start with Noel and Lolly.
I have no idea. There's lots of
things. Is it more than one thing?
You've got to tell me that, Noel.
Oh, right. Really?
That smells a bit weird.
Erm, a book?
Do you want me to tell you which
book it is? That would be great.
A hardback book...
Oh, actually... Dictionary?
A dictionary? Yeah, maybe.
A hat. A hard hat.
That's a pith helmet.
A skipping rope? Skipping rope.
Um... A skipping rope?
Quite weird, like...
It's like a big chunk...
Oh, yeah. A big chunk.
..with four legs on it.
Oh, wow, what's this?
This is killing me. Tortoise.
This feels like a frisbee with
a lemon stuck to it.
Frisbee.
A bin lid. A bin lid.
KNOCKING
Lid or Frisbee?
WHISTLE
Lid.
WHISTLE
NOEL LAUGHS
Thanks, Lolly. Thank you so much.
That was my least favourite
of all the tasks. Really?
No, I liked it. OK.
Textbook Lolly, straight in.
Have a feel, see what you can find.
Yeah. Nice to see the
forensic young mind.
I've written down a quote from you.
"This feels like a big chunk
with four legs on it."
And it did, and it did.
And Noel smelt the bag for a bit.
Yeah, what's that all about, mate?
How can you identify books
by their smell?
Mind your own fucking business.
Why didn't either of them put
their hands in the sleeping bag?
That's what I want to ask. It just
said you couldn't look in it.
Yeah, you could put your hands in.
Or take things out. Have a feel.
Oh, for Pete's sake!
So, without feeling it,
they both guessed a book,
a skipping rope, a bin lid,
some sort of helmet
and either a turtle or a tortoise.
Lovely. OK?
Do you want to see what was
in the bag? Yes, please.
Well, luckily, we've got Hugh
next and he helped us out.
I'm not allowed to look in it?
Hang on.
"You may not look in it, you may
not take items out." All right.
Now, is there a difference
between taking items out
and items coming out?
Well, it's up to you, Hugh.
Well, I won't be taking them out,
physically taking them out,
but I will get them out.
Just by lifting the sleeping bag
up and pouring them out.
I'm just quoting you there,
"I will get them out."
I won't take them out
but they will come out.
But I haven't taken those out,
they've merely come out.
They just came out
of their own accord.
Just came out, because I turned
the sleeping bag upside down.
There is a policeman's helmet.
That's a tortoise, turtle,
turtle-tortoise, it's not real.
I got weed on by a tortoise once,
it was very unpleasant.
I would say that's fennel
attached to a Frisbee.
It's a skipping...rope
with carrots as handles.
Policeman's helmet.
The book is John Grisham's
A Time To Kill.
Have I broken any of the rules?
Well, I've not looked in it,
I haven't taken any items out of it.
You definitely haven't taken any
items out of the sleeping bag?
No. No.
I haven't physically taken them.
Thank you. Thank you, Hugh.
I don't know about that.
Not sure. "Oh, I didn't
take your virginity."
LAUGHTER
"It just sort of fell out."
To be fair, that's putting
something in, rather than...
I think... I think you know
you're bang to rights.
I think, no, I think take... You
have to physically take something.
Oh, you're going to go
with it, are you?
You were responsible
for those objects
coming out of the sleeping bag.
But I didn't take them out.
I didn't take them out.
I was there, and it looked
like you took them out.
Listen, I'm telling you now.
You fucked that.
What Hugh did do,
he confirmed that these two
got the tortoise and the book right.
They got two out of five. I got
skipping rope! Not made of carrots.
HORN BLARES
Oh!
And as always, that sound
signifies the end of part three.
See you for the fourth bit soon.
LAUGHTER
Hello! And welcome back.
Now, where were we?
Well, the comedians had to work out
what's in your sleeping bag, OK?
Hugh tipped it out.
Took the stuff out and we saw
that they were trying to identify
a carrot skipping rope,
a crime novel, a terrapin,
a policeman's helmet and a Frisbee
with fennel sellotaped to the top.
Classic, classic. There's no such
thing as a carrot skipping rope.
You just made that up.
Well, there is one, look.
It's not a real thing, though,
is it?
Right.
LAUGHTER
And you don't like flights of fancy,
Noel, do you?
APPLAUSE
It's time... It's time for the
next sleeping bag investigation.
What is that now? A hard hat.
That is... That's a Frisbee. No?
Oh, no, it's one of those...
No, it's not, is it? What is that?
That feels like a book. Do you want
to know specifically which book?
If you know. Do you know what? I'm
going to guess it's a crime novel.
THEY GASP
It's like a butt plug.
Don't put that down yet.
POPPING
I've broken whatever that is.
That's tricky, that one.
Right, it's something on a rope.
CRACKING
Yeah, it's Velcro, isn't it, that?
One of those things that you put
your hand in hand and you throw it,
like a...Velcro game.
Oh, that's a new thing.
Oh, it's a little tortoise.
WHISTLE
That's time out. It's tough, that.
APPLAUSE
What's the whole butt plug
thing about?
Oh, he thought, he knew
it was your sleeping bag.
He felt the carrot and he thought,
"Yeah, probably a butt plug."
Attached to a rope,
which I thought was very you.
Yeah. I do tend to panic.
How many did he get?
He got two out of five as well.
So, Lolly, Noel and Joe
have all got two out of five,
so they're all joint first at the
moment, but there is still Mel.
Do you want to see her attempt to
guess what's in the sleeping bag?
Yes, I do, please.
That's a YMCA helmet. A YMCA helmet?
Yeah, the guy that was
the construction manager.
Presumably, they've
got to all be linked.
That's a book.
That's a Frisbee with
a bit of Velcro on it,
which makes me think of
that kids' game.
I think I had a tortoise.
It was like a toy plastic tortoise.
You see, that could be
the end of a skipping rope.
Is it some really pervy outfit?
That he might wear on a night out?
Oh, right, breastplate.
A Roman soldier's helmet
and a breastplate. And a...
That... Right.
Set of combat equipment toys.
This, what's that thing?
Is it like a nunchaka? Nunchaka?
Something like that? Yes. Nunchaku?
I'm going to go with armour,
breastplate, helmet.
Sort of Roman combat items,
but for children.
That you use, you use in a garden.
With a book of instructions
on how to...
WHISTLE
Good.
So dramatically wrong
across the board.
You felt a construction
worker's helmet,
and you said it's a YMCA helmet.
Yes.
You are aware that construction
came before the Village People?
Did she get any right?
No, but weirdly, she does get points
because we've disqualified Hugh,
so she's come second-last.
Wow, that's incredible.
These three get five,
despite being useless.
Hugh, still cross but gets zero,
and Mel gets two points.
Scoreboard is looking like this,
with Lolly Adefope
still out in front.
Hey!
OK, up you get, off you go.
Please, make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!
CHEERING
That looks like a fascinating
collection of objects
in front of our contestants. Hmm!
Who shall we get to read out
the task, Alex?
Hello, Joe!
All right, bub!
"Prepare these items for
the second part of the task."
So, it's prepare the items
for the second part of the task.
And that's it?
That's the full instruction?
They've got to try to
second-guess us, Greg. OK.
OK, you've got one minute,
starting...
WHISTLE
Then.
Yes, whatever you want.
APPLAUSE
OK.
Just to say, they've got one egg,
some grapes, some gaffer tape,
three ducks, an orange,
which Hugh's tucking into.
Some glue, a stapler,
and a milk bottle.
Hello, Lolly. Hello!
Four seconds left. Two, one...
WHISTLE
Stop.
Mel's still preparing,
interestingly.
LAUGHTER
You ready to hear the second
part of the task? Yes. Joe.
We're going to start pretty much
straight away, so... Get ready.
I think you're fucked, Noel.
"Hold all your items in one hand.
"Then put your other hand
on your head.
"Fastest wins."
WHISTLE
Off you go!
That's it, isn't it?
CHEERING
No! No!
No!
WHISTLE
OK, we're saying we're done.
We're saying we're done.
MEL: You've got it, man.
Lots to digest there, Greg.
Yeah, yeah, he's holding me. Hmm.
And to be fair, even if I don't win,
I got to feel up Greg.
Come back down and let's see how
that's affected the scores! OK.
What a journey we've been on.
Talk me through it, Alex.
Are we happy that Noel held
all the items by holding you?
Yeah, I am happy. Ooh!
I mean, admittedly, that might be
because I enjoyed being held.
Well, we'll put Noel in first
place. It was instant, almost.
Oh, God, it was. Which bit?
Well done, mate.
Mel then held the whole lot
within clingfilm and on a table.
The rest, it goes Lolly, Hugh, Joe.
By the time you'd
gathered everything, Joe,
I'm afraid you were in last place.
Yeah. Sorry.
It means that final scores
look like this. Oh...
Lolly Adefope wins! She's done it!
CHEERING
Let's see series scores. Well done!
Just before we send you off
to collect your prizes,
let's have a quick update
on the series scores.
Yes, the series scores
are interesting.
Lolly may have won but she's
in last place overall. I'm sorry!
LAUGHTER
Let's bring her back down to size.
Lolly's got 92 points,
then Hugh with 96.
Joe and Mel on 100
and Noel's on 105.
So, with two shows to go,
it's exciting.
It still is...
Still all to play for. But tonight,
no-one can take it away from her,
Lolly has won.
Well done, Lolly.
Please go and claim your prizes!
That's it. Anything to add, Alex?
Yes, I'd like to say a
special hello and thank you
to all those watching
on catch-up television.
Go on, then. Hello, thank you.
KISS SOUND
So, what have we learnt today?
Well, we've learnt
when you think there's
no hope left in the world,
when all around us is chaos,
remember that tonight,
you saw a 55-year-old man score
an overhead goal with a plastic bag.
Let's hear it once more for our
winner tonight, though. Lolly!
CHEERING
LAUGHTER
Subtitles by Ericsson