Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Episode #4.7 - full transcript
Ohhh!
Hello!
I'm Greg Davies.
Welcome to Taskmaster.
It's the penultimate episode of
the series,
and our contenders only have
a few tasks left
in which to earn the points
they need
to take this home -
my face on a stick.
Makes you think, doesn't it?
Really makes you think.
Right, let's meet our semifinalists
now. They are...
Hugh Dennis!
Joe Lycett!
Lolly Adefope!
Mel Giedroyc!
And Noel Fielding!
And for the seventh time in a row,
look who's next to me -
it's only little Alex Horne!
Fine.
That's all he needs.
You all right? Yes, thank you.
So, we're almost finished. Mh-hm.
Have you got a new job lined up?
No, I thought this was a...
I thought it was a job for life,
because you keep saying
I can never leave.
No, no, this is just a basic.
What are you going to do to earn
money to live with?
Sightseeing...? Sightseeing tours?
I quite like sightseeing. Do you?
Well, I like seeing things. I like
it when you let me go to the park.
I've made myself a...
I've made myself a name badge...
You have.
..for this episode, just so...
Still trying to get the name
out there.
So, "Alex Horne. Happy to help."
Two stars.
Who gave you the stars?
I get... Well, I thought I'd get one
for cleaning and one for
applying your sunscreen. Right.
So, you presumed I would be
rewarding you?
Yes. Right. Yes, I... Sorry. OK.
Shall I take...? Is it all right?
Yeah, let's take those off.
Both of them?
I don't mind your name
getting out there,
but I don't want anyone to think
that you're competent.
Off we go, then. The prize task.
What have we asked them
to bring in this time?
Today, we've asked them to bring in
their best chair. Ohhh.
So, you're going to judge
who's brought in the best chair.
I am. OK, and that chair will gain
its owner a maximum score
of five points. Plus, as always,
the winner of today's show will go
home with five chairs.
Fun!
Joe, you're up first. What chair
did you bring in for me?
I've sculpted a chair
which is your head.
It does look like you.
So, the tongue will be like a...
Yeah, like a nice soft cushion.
It's so nice to see my puce,
raddled flesh
turned into a chair concept, Joe.
NOEL: Is that chair size?
No, it's actually about that big,
what I've made.
But you're committing to make it...?
Yes, I will make it into
a full chair if it wins. If it wins?
What if it comes mid-range? Third?
I've got quite a lot on, Greg.
We're all busy, mate, but I still
need to sit down.
Lolly? I got a huge beanbag.
Ohhh.
Here it is. It's to scale.
That's the size.
That is to scale, pretty much.
MEL: It looks like a jiffy bag.
Yeah, it does. Do you want the
proportions of the beanbag?
I think it's nine foot by six foot.
It's a big beanbag. Get out of town!
Is it?! Yeah.
It's good. It is big,
and I like big.
Mel? Now...
I've gone really small.
Oh, that's unfortunate,
following what I just said.
It is my favourite chair, though.
It was in my doll's house that
I used to play with as a child,
and it was the chair on which
Philip Pennyfield used to sit.
Philip Pennyfield. I had a family of
dolls called the Pennyfields.
Shall I show them
Philip Pennyfield's...? Yeah, do.
This is Philip Pennyfield's chair.
Philip Pennyfield's chair.
Isn't that sweet?
And it's about -
I hate this expression,
but I will use it -
yay high.
All the other Pennyfields are made
with metal shoes
and pipe-cleaner legs.
They had metal shoes? Young Philip
was just made of cotton.
He was...? Yeah, he's quite
floppy. I've still got him.
I think it's a very cute chair,
but you have to bear in mind that
you knew I was going to be
the person who would be impressed or
not impressed by a chair.
What can I fit on that chair?
I'll tell you what -
one of my testicles, Mel.
Hugh.
Yeah, well I've chosen
my best chair for
largely sentimental reasons,
really. Yep.
And it was because it was the thing
that my son referred to as
his best chair, and I have
a picture of him sitting on it.
That's very sweet, Hugh.
It's lovely, isn't it?
One of my favourites so far. Noel?
I was thinking about getting you
a chair, and then I thought,
it would be good to get you
a cool chair.
Chairs aren't very cool. They're a
bit sort of pedestrian.
And the coolest thing in the world
is probably David Bowie, yeah?
MEL: Oh, hear, hear. Check this
baby out.
Ah! Wow. I know.
That is great.
That is so good.
You've got to judge this, now, then.
I'm to give you first place, Hugh,
because I think it's really sweet.
OK. Our second place... Do you
know what?
Just because it's massive,
and cos nothing fits me...
Do you understand how
frustrating that is?
I have to buy my clothes online.
Lots of people buy their
clothes online.
No, but I have to do. I have
no choice. I can't go to a shop.
And I was going to put you
in second.
Now you've got all fucking aggy...
you can have third.
That's how it works! No!
So, in second place,
I'm going to put an Noel's lovely
David Bowie chair.
In third place, I suppose,
I'll put Lolly's really comfy
massive beanbag that I like so much.
Yay!
We've got horror-show time chair or
doll's chair.
Yeah, if that was a real chair, if
he gone to the trouble of making it,
he'd be right up there as
well, but I'm going to put him
in fourth place... No, I made the
concept! I just don't trust you.
I think that if you won, you just
go, right,
that'll do, I'm leaving it at that.
Well, she brings in
a glorified matchstick!
Mel? She's in last place!
Oh, thank fuck for that. Yeah.
I'm really... I can't believe...
Philip Pennyfield...
He's going to be very upset. Ahh.
Never mind.
Right! So is Joe Lycett in fourth?
Yes. Mel Giedroyc in fifth? Correct.
So, the winner of this task is
Mr Hugh Dennis! Hugh Dennis!
What's the next task, please, Alex?
It involves me, Alex Horne,
doing some eating! How many stars?
Not yet, not yet. Correct!
Here I am gobbling away.
Hi, Alex. Hello, Mel.
Oh, snacks.
There's a glass of milk there.
And is that some bread?
"Stand on one leg then
continue reading."
No, that one.
"Your raised foot must not touch
the ground...
"..until the task is complete.
"Bring Alex's dinner.
"Every time your raised foot
touches the ground,
"you must eat a slice of
Alex's dinner.
"Most dinner delivered fastest wins.
"Your time starts now."
You love you a snack, don't you,
Mel? I do.
See something, eat it. Lovely.
We'll see Lolly, Joe and Mel.
I should say, you're going to get
a five-second penalty per slice
of my dinner that you've eaten, OK?
"Your time starts now."
So, that's once.
That's really...
Right, sorry. One sandwich going in.
Sorry.
That's impossible! How do
you hop...?
Oh, sod it.
Shit.
Did your foot touch the
ground? Yeah.
That's two slices of... Three!
Sorry. It's got to go down.
I don't need all that bread, do I?
You have to eat six and then give
me my dinner.
Dinner time! Thank you, Joe.
LOLLY MOANS
Sorry. It's got to go in.
Ugh! Please can you give
me my dinner?
Thank you, Lolly. Yummy. Enjoy.
All three going for, eh...
hop and gobble. Yeah, hop
and gobble.
Although Lolly gobbled at the end
rather than during.
That was her tactic. She did.
Saved time.
You looked like you were having real
problems, there. Horrible time.
Horrible? Hated it.
Lolly had to eat six slices of
bread, 900 calories, which meant
I was 900 calories short, which is
why I was faint that evening.
Yeah, you were. She was also...
I'm sorry, Lolly, you were the
slowest. You started sliding to
avoid the hopping,
and then you abandoned that because
you were worried that the bread
was going to get soggy,
which was nice of you. Yeah.
Mel was a lot quicker,
2 minutes 25. Oh. Five slices. Yep.
And then old Joe Lycett...
Old Joe Lycett? 1 minute 41.
1.41 and four slices.
Very fast hopping.
Very fast hopping. Great hopping.
Great bread gobbling.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Interesting, Joe sped up after each
slice. He sped up, did he?
He sped up after each slice. Wow.
So, you're sort of
bread-powered Lycett.
This is the generic link into the
commercial break.
See you soon for part two...
Part three...
Part four.
Then they can just pick the right
one from there and edit it in.
Hello, viewers.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where comedians are trying to take
each others' chairs away, leaving
them once again as stand-ups.
Alex? Yes. Catch us up with the
stuff, please. OK.
It's a tasty task.
They're all trying to bring me
my dinner on one leg
and through bunting,
the way you like it.
Lolly, Joe and Mel
have done it so far.
Joe's currently in the lead.
Up next, Hugh Dennis.
"Your time starts now."
Scissors, please.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, Hugh.
Oh, it's all there, though.
MEL: Very good.
That's more like it. Incredible.
And entirely in keeping with your
character across the whole series -
One of a low-level psychopath.
It's the twelfth time he's used
a blade during the series.
And what I like, when Hugh does
get destructive...
Cos sometimes he can appear very
cuddly and kind,
but when he does get destructive,
his vocabulary shrinks,
and he uses minimal words,
and you'll notice that the only
words he used in that clip were...
BOTH: "Scissors, please."
Really good, Hugh. 1 minute 48.
So, he was seven seconds slower than
Joe, but no time penalties.
No slices. No slices.
Do you want to find out if Hugh was
faster at hopping than Noel, though?
The big question. Yeah, I do.
OK, well, this is the final
competitor - Noel Fielding.
Ah. Oh, no.
Thank you, Noel.
Mm? One missing. Mm. Not too bad.
I've stopped the clock.
Mm. Mh-hm.
Thank you, Noel, that's great.
That's lovely. Thank you very much.
It's funny, isn't it? You never
really know a person.
I'm part flamingo.
Where did you learn to hop
like that?
I don't think I've ever tried.
It was just something that,
as I was doing it, I though,
"Oh, yeah, I'm good at this."
Better even than old scissor boy.
Hey! Do you want a race later?
We've just had one!
I was over the finish line
while you were rummaging
through the cutlery drawer.
Yeah. That's true. He was very
quick. 46.1 seconds. Wow.
MEL: Wow, Noel.
OK. Well, unfortunately, Lolly,
you did come last in that one.
And then it goes Mel,
then Joe, then Hugh,
then the winner was Noel Fielding!
The exciting news is we have joint
leaders at this stage of the show.
The leaders are Hugh and Noel
at the moment, on nine points.
There we go. Not bad.
And I thought I'd give myself
a star for doing the scoreboard.
Give it to me.
OK.
What's next?
The next one is a bit like...
It's a bit like hide and seek.
It's... It's...
This one is hide and seek. Ready?
Hello.
WHISPERS: Where's Alex?
Hmm. Is he hiding?
Cato style.
Melt that down for later.
"Hide from Alex.
Alex is in the caravan.
"He has already started
counting to 100."
Oh, my God, he's started counting.
"Hide from Alex. Alex is in
the caravan.
"He's already started
counting to 100."
'Seven, eight,'
nine, ten...
What I like to do when we're at home
is to send Alex off to hide
and then I go on holiday.
Twice. Twice you've done that.
Shall we start with Hugh Dennis and
Joe Lycett hiding? Yes, yes.
OK. That's lucky. Here we go.
Nine patatas, ten patatas.
'12, 13, 14, 15...'
'44, 45...'
Anything? That's just a wall.
There is no upstairs.
48, 49, 50!
'56, 57, 58...'
99, 100! Coming, ready or not!
I'm coming, Joe!
Joe?!
He's looking in the garden
at the moment.
Arrgh!
THEY LAUGH
Why couldn't I see you coming
through the front door?
I've stopped the clock, Joe!
I've found you!
You know the rules of
hide and seek, right?
Yeah, but then when he spotted
me I was really frightened
for some reason. I don't know,
I just wanted to get away from him.
And what was your strategy?
My strategy was I thought
I could work out where he was
and then go where he wasn't. Yeah.
And I thought I saw him go round
the side, but actually,
I think what I'd seen was
the cameraman following him,
so I was hiding from the
wrong person.
So, I went into the living room
thinking I would be fine,
and then he basically just opened
the door and we went...
Literally, you are
as stealthy as a cow.
Do you want some times? Yeah, I do.
I mean, Joe ran for two minutes
following the find.. Yeah.
..but he hid successfully for
one minute and nine seconds.
Hugh hid for one minute and nine
seconds. Exactly the same.
What?! Really?
What? Really?
Wow. That's amazing.
OK, do you want to see
the man... Yes.
..wearing a yellow boiler suit
hide? Yes.
OK. Here's Noel Fielding.
Three, four, five, six...
'Eight, nine, ten...'
There's no-one in there, is there?
'94, 95,'
96, 97, 98,
99, 100!
Coming, ready or not!
Ah. There you are.
NOEL LAUGHS
Can you see me? Yeah. Damn. Yeah.
I mean, it was initially
so impressive.
The movement was that of a tiger.
I know.
But tigers tend to blend in,
they don't wear a fucking yellow
boiler suit!
The only yellow ninja.
Until...the moment.
I looked round the corner of
the caravan and I thought,
"Ooh, that can't be Noel."
But then I thought,
"Oh, no, that is Noel." Yeah.
16 seconds. 16.
You're not going to believe this,
but that's the end of part two.
Part three next. After that,
part four.
But first, part three.
See you in part three.
Well, hello, part three!
Alex, what was it you were
looking for before the break?
I was looking for them,
and I found THEM very easily.
Would you like to see me
looking for women?
I would, I would like to see you
hunting women. Yeah.
OK. Here I go.
10, 11, 12...
'13, 14, 15, 16...'
'89, 90, 91, 92...'
I'm going in the cupboard.
100! Coming, ready or not!
Oh, my God! Where do you...?
There. You got me on them, erm...
Still feel...
No, it was fine.
Keep going. Yeah, cheers.
Lolly? I feel like I've
looked everywhere.
Lolly?! We've finished!
Lolly?!
PHONE RINGS
She's calling. Hi, Lolly.
'It's quite noisy here.'
It doesn't sound noisy.
It doesn't sound noisy, Lolly.
'There's quite a lot of
people here.'
Put someone else on then, Lolly.
OK. One second.
WITH SCOTTISH ACCENT:
'Hello, there.'
She's sent me a picture. Well,
that was sent one minute ago.
She's wearing a different outfit.
Oh, God. Right. Round we go again!
Is that her?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Well done, nice to see you.
Good game. Not bad.
Did you have fun? No.
The first question I've got is
for Alex.
And my question is, did you
accidentally feel Mel's boobs.
There was a drive-by. Both of them.
And possibly
in the Penny Field area, as well.
I didn't... It was fine. You saw,
there was little bit of awkwardness.
Yeah. I found you
after two and a half minutes
and then felt embarrassed
for three days.
I didn't feel Lolly's boobs.
Just for the record.
I didn't feel just... I didn't. No.
I'd looked for you twice in that
room, she was in the tiniest nook.
In a shower cubicle. With a plank.
Yeah, there was a plank.
And I was in the triangle crest.
Also, you taunted me. I did.
The taunting was just wonderful.
I sent a photo of me on the beach.
And maybe one of me as a baby,
as well. That was confusing.
That's going to baffle him,
isn't it?
You've hidden yourself in time.
It took 23 minutes.
Incredible.
In that task, Noel came fifth and
we have joint third of Joe and Hugh.
Mel in second,
Lolly in the first place.
She can hide, that girl. Right. Have
you got another task ready? I have.
And it's sad news. It's the final
team task of the series.
Aaah!
Shall I? Yeah. Go on, love.
Get this wheelie bin
across the finishing line.
OK.
One of you must be
in the wheelie bin at all times.
The other person must be
blindfolded at all times.
The wheelie bin rider must
direct the wheelie bin drivers
to complete the course...
And the five challenges within it.
Also, no-one can speak English.
Well, I think I ought
to push the bin, don't you?
I think you should go in
the wheelie bin.
You mind being there,
with that over your head?
Just to confirm,
both teams immediately
put the women in the bin.
We're going to see
the older couple first.
Two women in a bin.
Let's rock.
Ooh! Votre temps!
Votre temps commence maintenant.
Allons y! Allons y!
A gauche! A gauche! A gauche!
Tournez! Ah, oui.
Reversez entre le...le truc.
No, no, no! Pas maintenant.
Il faut aller a la porte
et plus il faut reverser.
Before... No.
Allons y. Allons. Allons. A gauche!
A gauche, et reverser
entre le porte. Ici?
Tu reverse maintenant.
Non. Oui, oui, oui!
Bon, bon, bon, bon!
Erreur! Attention!
No, no, no, no. No!
Alors, alors! Attends. OK.
Pour onze secondes.
OK? OK. Un, deux, trois,
quatre, cinq, six, sept,
huit, neuf, dix.
Onze.
Et oui. Plus, c'est moi. Allons y.
Ah, non!
Nouns allons a gauche, s'il vous
plait. Comme ca? Tres, tres bon.
Et maintenant.
Arrete, s'il vous plait. Oui.
Tu dois faire le boof! Boof?
Tu dois faire la boof-boof
a le balon.
Oui! Il faut burster le balon!
Oui! Good!
Et, reverser, s'il vous plait.
Reverser, oui.
Alors, allons y. Allons y.
Et maintenant nous faisons le...
Oui?
C'est le signe de basketball.
C'est le signe de cool, uh.
Avec les mains! Eh!
Haut! Haut cinq! Haut cinq.
Eh! Tres bon!
Et maintenant? Allons y. Allons y!
Directement. A le fini. A le fini?
Oui! C'est tout? Oui, oui, oui!
Maintenant, il faut faire ca...
Ah, q'est-ce que c'est que ca?
I asked the producer to look up
for me the French for the name Hugh.
While we were watching that.
It isn't "Oug",
you'll be surprised to learn.
Just Hugh.
I was a bit confused by that.
So, the other team
chose a different language.
Do you want to see the children
and Noel do the other language?
Here's Joe, Lolly,
and Noel. Here we go.
OK. Ah, ja, ja!
Eins links. Links. Left. Links.
Links. Links. Schnell.
Ja, ja, ja, ja!
Halt!
Nicht schnell aber... Not forward.
Backwards? Ja, ja, ja, ja.
We have to go backwards? Ja, ja, ja!
Eins biegen links.
Schnell.
Jesus.
Halt!
Was ist das. Ist das...
HE MUTTERS IN GERMAN
Ja. Eins biegen links.
Schnell, schnell, schnell! Halt!
Io non parlo Italiano....
Hier ist eins Balloon. Si.
B...b...b... Bridges?
Bridge? There's a bridge?
Nein! Uber die Brucke? Nein!
Kilt! Kill it? Ja!
Burst the balloon? Ja!
Stamp on it!
Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!
Schnell, schnell, schnell. Schnell.
Rechts. Rechts. Ja.
Ja! Schnell, schnell, schnell!
Er, halt.
High five.
Ja! Schnell!
Links, schnell, schnell. Schnell!
Links, links, links!
Stop the clock!
Schnell? Schnell?
Schnell hasn't been screamed
like that for over 60 years.
Incredible dialogue between you two.
Hampered, as you were,
by a seemingly half-pissed skeleton.
So, the married couple did it
in six minutes and 39 seconds.
The bickering French couple..
Yes. Monsieur et madame.
Whereas, the others did it
in six minutes and three seconds.
I don't know how you want to
award the points.
I think we've got
to give everybody points.
So, I think three points
for the fastest team.
Two points for the slower team.
OK. And a star... No stars.
No stars for naughty boys.
Have we got time for another one?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
What? Oh, that's spooky.
Cool guy. Mm-hmm.
Hell...
Is he based on you?
I'm based on him.
You're based on him?
Quite beautiful, actually.
Strange slippers, though. They're my
slippers. Beautiful slippers.
Oh!
The arm...
Literally, the arm moved down.
If that thing starts walking,
I'm probably going to vomit.
Unveil a new handshake.
Best new handshake wins.
You have five minutes
to develop your new handshake.
Then three minutes to demonstrate
your new handshake with Alex.
What is the point of him?
Chest bump?
Bit early noughties, isn't it?
The old...
CRUNCHING NOISE
Sort of water pump.
I don't think
I need the five minutes.
You're ready to demonstrate it
with me? Yeah. Really? Yeah.
Sorry. That's...
Oh, where's your head?.
"Now, I'm probably going to
vomit if this moves."
Is that a reaction to stress
for you? I don't like mannequins.
Just mannequins? I'm not that keen
on that head either. Oh, yeah?
I don't like it either. It's mine.
So, the mannequin was called
Bernard. Bernard Mannequin.
Were going to start off with...
Were going to start off with Mel.
BOTH: Rrr! Rrr! Diddle-iddle-di.
Bish, bash, bosh!
Give, receive. BOTH: Roooor-roor!
Key this. Slide. Back in.
BOTH: Yooour!
Dish, dosh.
That's enough. Good point.
You're much better than that.
Sort of a Mum version
of a street handshake.
"Give, receive" !
That was my favourite bit.
We've got another gangster
handshake immediately. OK.
Which, out of these, do you think is
in a gang? Hugh Dennis, right?
Yes. Hugh Dennis.
This is his gangster shake.
Hi. Hi.
Yeah. That's European.
You know, in the male world, silence
counts for quite a lot, doesn't it?
It was very male, and yet
I imagined you both in a sauna.
Do you want to see how the youth
do it? Lolly is our youngest.
Oh, hello, Alex. Hello, Lolly.
Oh!
What's this?
£20? And that's something else.
There's...
Some chewing gum.
And what's this?
It's paracetamol and codeine.
It's delicious. Thank you.
Well, there you have it.
The perfect handshake.
Money. Fresh breath. Painkillers.
I had a headache. My breath smelled.
And you don't pay me. So it was...
Much appreciated. Very sweet.
What did you spend the £20 on?
I gave it to Greg.
He did. And I bought ham with it.
That's what I wanted.
That's what I wanted.
Oh, and that's the end
of part three.
See you soon for
the final part of the show.
Welcome back. It's part four
of the show. Where were we?
We were doing handshakes.
Which are like milkshakes
but handier.
So far, we've seen
the old schoolers Mel and Hugh.
We've seen how the kids do
it with Lolly.
Next up, we're going to have
a look at Noel.
I didn't enjoy it.
But we're going to find out
if you do.
We'll be the judge of that.
Hi, Alex. Are you ready? I think so.
OK. Lower your hands slightly.
That's good. A bit more.
A bit more. A tiny bit more.
That's good. We're almost in. I feel
something. Can you feel something?
I like the sensation. Give that
a little jiggle. Go a bit lower.
A bit lower.
Are we shaking hands yet?
I think we're shaking hands.
And, you know what, I think we might
be done. Bye. Bye. Take care. OK.
The old classic dick hand.
Haven't seen it for years.
If you've got one.
You might as well use it.
Did you enjoy it, Alex?
I like being in a wheelbarrow
because I'm very used to it now.
When we go on holiday together.
But... And I didn't mind being...
I don't like people
getting within personal space.
Normally, I like being six-foot away
in case I faint
and catch myself on them.
So, I like the distance.
But seeing...
Seeing the cold reality? Yeah.
Of you using a pole with a glove on
the end to touch a man's genitals.
Yeah.
That happened to be a hand.
It made you uncomfortable,
didn't it? I've had that dream.
Do you want to see the last one?
Yes, please. Joe Lycett. Yeeeah.
OK. This is Joe. Put your hand out
like that. And then it's just...
How long do we do it for?
This is three minutes.
Eye contact with it? Yeah.
Not that aggressive. Softly.
It's quite soothing, isn't it?
Quite far away from you.
Yeah, that's right.
You're getting quite fast. Yeah.
It gets faster
as the three minutes goes on.
You just looking at it now.
Can I look at it?
Shh.
I love you. Pardon.
I love you.
Then you have to say it back,
like that.
I love you.
Yeah. That is it.
I love you. I love you.
Really build the speed up.
And that's it. Mm.
Can I go? Mm-hmm.
I think genuinely creepy.
But I loved it. Because I loved
seeing him uncomfortable.
And I know that, really,
he hated every second of that. Yeah.
The full 180 seconds.
He was the only one who used
the full three minutes.
Give you your money's worth.
I'm going to be pretty swift
with this -
I can't really separate
the two gangsters...
Mel and Joe. ..and Lolly.
I'm going to give them
a joint third place.
OK, so we're starting at third. Yes.
Are you going up or down?
I'm going up from there,
obviously. Yes.
I can't take any more off,
really. Fuck me!
LAUGHTER
I personally am excited by
a man with a hand for a penis,
so I'm going to put him in second.
Mm-hmm.
But I've never seen
such an unsettling,
awful performance as the winner of
that task, Mr Joe Lycett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Scoreboard? OK, well, it's tense -
of course it is.
We still have joint leaders
and they've not budged for a while.
The joint leaders are Hugh and Noel,
but anyone could win it in
the final task except for Mel.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right, the end is in sight.
Will you please make your way
to the stage
for the final task of the show?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, well, this looks interesting,
Alex. Mm-hmm. Bananas.
Ten bananas each. Glue, stapler,
gaffer tape, chopping board.
And could we get someone to read out
the task? Yes. Who would you like?
Erm, Mel.
Luckily, I've adopted
the reading out the task pose.
You have.
Just melt that down later. Yeah.
Right. Oh, lads,
this is really good.
OK, "Make the best and biggest
all-round banana
"out of these bananas.
"You have 100 seconds,
"after which the Taskmaster
will judge your bananas."
Yes, I will. Cheers. OK.
So, it's best and biggest
all-round banana. Good luck.
WHISTLE TOOTS
CHEERING
Different technique.
Best and biggest banana.
Why are the women on the floor?
You've got to get a curve on
a banana. Lovely curve.
We're almost there.
APPLAUSE
Ten seconds!
CHEERING
AUDIENCE: Five, four,
three, two, one...
WHISTLE TOOTS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Stop making your bananas, please.
OK, so, would you like me to...?
Yes, please. I'd like you
to talk me through the bananas.
Shall we start with Noel?
Hello! Long banana.
You've done a long S-shaped banana.
That classic banana shape.
LAUGHTER
And I'll tell you whose
it's better than.
LAUGHTER
I've made ban-unting.
APPLAUSE
Thank you!
The only way that that statement
and that chain of bananas
should get a round of applause is if
it is presented by a five-year-old.
LAUGHTER
Move on to Lolly? Yes, please.
I will say in your favour, she's the
only one who's peeled the bananas.
Are you saying that the raw banana's
inside...? I can peel her bananas.
There's raw banana inside,
but what I've sort of done is sort
of decorated it around...
With the skins?
With skins and insides as well.
So you've created a big banana. Yes.
That's really good.
Where's your banana, Joe?
Here it is!
Look how big this banana is.
And if you peel it just here
and only here...
Look, the real essence of banana,
just like a banana.
But look how big it is!
Big old banana, that. Big banana!
Finally, Hugh Dennis's banana.
It's just a big fucking banana.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK, here we go.
Do you want to start with the worst
all-round banana?
Yes, Mel, I do. What?!
The ban-unting? Ban-unting
is not going to catch on, my friend.
You're going to take that
into last place.
And fourth place for Noel.
Hugh can go next,
look at the state of him.
LAUGHTER
And I really liked Joe's banana,
but something told me
it was part of the stage.
Something? Yeah. What?
And, you know, if it's a big banana,
if it's a beautiful banana
and if it's a functional banana,
it's a Lolly banana, simple as that.
Yeah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, what has that banana drama done
to our scores? Very nice.
Well, it's added a lot of drama to
the scores - for the first time ever
in Taskmaster history,
we have a three-way tie at the top.
Let's have a look,
let's have a look.
Oh!
APPLAUSE
I don't even know what we do
in a three-way tie.
A task, Greg, a tie-break task,
and this time we got them to open
a jar of mayonnaise.
Unfortunately,
I spilt Vaseline all over the jar
before they opened it,
so here is the mayonnaise tie-break.
Just feel like I might need them.
"Open this jar."
"The jar may not leave the lab.
Fastest time wins."
"Your time starts now."
Done.
APPLAUSE
THUD!
LAUGHTER
When you say open...
No, it's open, yeah.
Am I allowed to do the task,
if I think I know what the task is,
without looking at the task?
You do whatever you want, Joe.
Oh, that was quick.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, so with a time of zero seconds,
the winner of this...
Mr Joe Lycett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Joe, please take that chair to the
stage and collect your other chairs!
So, what have we learnt today?
Well,
we've learnt that once upon a time
there was a family called
the Pennyfields.
They lived in a little house.
Some had pipe-cleaner legs,
some had metal shoes.
Their owner was insane.
That's show seven, then.
Please give another round
of applause for today's winner,
Mr Joe Lycett!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
See you next time for
the final of Taskmaster.
Goodnight!
Subtitles by Ericsson
Hello!
I'm Greg Davies.
Welcome to Taskmaster.
It's the penultimate episode of
the series,
and our contenders only have
a few tasks left
in which to earn the points
they need
to take this home -
my face on a stick.
Makes you think, doesn't it?
Really makes you think.
Right, let's meet our semifinalists
now. They are...
Hugh Dennis!
Joe Lycett!
Lolly Adefope!
Mel Giedroyc!
And Noel Fielding!
And for the seventh time in a row,
look who's next to me -
it's only little Alex Horne!
Fine.
That's all he needs.
You all right? Yes, thank you.
So, we're almost finished. Mh-hm.
Have you got a new job lined up?
No, I thought this was a...
I thought it was a job for life,
because you keep saying
I can never leave.
No, no, this is just a basic.
What are you going to do to earn
money to live with?
Sightseeing...? Sightseeing tours?
I quite like sightseeing. Do you?
Well, I like seeing things. I like
it when you let me go to the park.
I've made myself a...
I've made myself a name badge...
You have.
..for this episode, just so...
Still trying to get the name
out there.
So, "Alex Horne. Happy to help."
Two stars.
Who gave you the stars?
I get... Well, I thought I'd get one
for cleaning and one for
applying your sunscreen. Right.
So, you presumed I would be
rewarding you?
Yes. Right. Yes, I... Sorry. OK.
Shall I take...? Is it all right?
Yeah, let's take those off.
Both of them?
I don't mind your name
getting out there,
but I don't want anyone to think
that you're competent.
Off we go, then. The prize task.
What have we asked them
to bring in this time?
Today, we've asked them to bring in
their best chair. Ohhh.
So, you're going to judge
who's brought in the best chair.
I am. OK, and that chair will gain
its owner a maximum score
of five points. Plus, as always,
the winner of today's show will go
home with five chairs.
Fun!
Joe, you're up first. What chair
did you bring in for me?
I've sculpted a chair
which is your head.
It does look like you.
So, the tongue will be like a...
Yeah, like a nice soft cushion.
It's so nice to see my puce,
raddled flesh
turned into a chair concept, Joe.
NOEL: Is that chair size?
No, it's actually about that big,
what I've made.
But you're committing to make it...?
Yes, I will make it into
a full chair if it wins. If it wins?
What if it comes mid-range? Third?
I've got quite a lot on, Greg.
We're all busy, mate, but I still
need to sit down.
Lolly? I got a huge beanbag.
Ohhh.
Here it is. It's to scale.
That's the size.
That is to scale, pretty much.
MEL: It looks like a jiffy bag.
Yeah, it does. Do you want the
proportions of the beanbag?
I think it's nine foot by six foot.
It's a big beanbag. Get out of town!
Is it?! Yeah.
It's good. It is big,
and I like big.
Mel? Now...
I've gone really small.
Oh, that's unfortunate,
following what I just said.
It is my favourite chair, though.
It was in my doll's house that
I used to play with as a child,
and it was the chair on which
Philip Pennyfield used to sit.
Philip Pennyfield. I had a family of
dolls called the Pennyfields.
Shall I show them
Philip Pennyfield's...? Yeah, do.
This is Philip Pennyfield's chair.
Philip Pennyfield's chair.
Isn't that sweet?
And it's about -
I hate this expression,
but I will use it -
yay high.
All the other Pennyfields are made
with metal shoes
and pipe-cleaner legs.
They had metal shoes? Young Philip
was just made of cotton.
He was...? Yeah, he's quite
floppy. I've still got him.
I think it's a very cute chair,
but you have to bear in mind that
you knew I was going to be
the person who would be impressed or
not impressed by a chair.
What can I fit on that chair?
I'll tell you what -
one of my testicles, Mel.
Hugh.
Yeah, well I've chosen
my best chair for
largely sentimental reasons,
really. Yep.
And it was because it was the thing
that my son referred to as
his best chair, and I have
a picture of him sitting on it.
That's very sweet, Hugh.
It's lovely, isn't it?
One of my favourites so far. Noel?
I was thinking about getting you
a chair, and then I thought,
it would be good to get you
a cool chair.
Chairs aren't very cool. They're a
bit sort of pedestrian.
And the coolest thing in the world
is probably David Bowie, yeah?
MEL: Oh, hear, hear. Check this
baby out.
Ah! Wow. I know.
That is great.
That is so good.
You've got to judge this, now, then.
I'm to give you first place, Hugh,
because I think it's really sweet.
OK. Our second place... Do you
know what?
Just because it's massive,
and cos nothing fits me...
Do you understand how
frustrating that is?
I have to buy my clothes online.
Lots of people buy their
clothes online.
No, but I have to do. I have
no choice. I can't go to a shop.
And I was going to put you
in second.
Now you've got all fucking aggy...
you can have third.
That's how it works! No!
So, in second place,
I'm going to put an Noel's lovely
David Bowie chair.
In third place, I suppose,
I'll put Lolly's really comfy
massive beanbag that I like so much.
Yay!
We've got horror-show time chair or
doll's chair.
Yeah, if that was a real chair, if
he gone to the trouble of making it,
he'd be right up there as
well, but I'm going to put him
in fourth place... No, I made the
concept! I just don't trust you.
I think that if you won, you just
go, right,
that'll do, I'm leaving it at that.
Well, she brings in
a glorified matchstick!
Mel? She's in last place!
Oh, thank fuck for that. Yeah.
I'm really... I can't believe...
Philip Pennyfield...
He's going to be very upset. Ahh.
Never mind.
Right! So is Joe Lycett in fourth?
Yes. Mel Giedroyc in fifth? Correct.
So, the winner of this task is
Mr Hugh Dennis! Hugh Dennis!
What's the next task, please, Alex?
It involves me, Alex Horne,
doing some eating! How many stars?
Not yet, not yet. Correct!
Here I am gobbling away.
Hi, Alex. Hello, Mel.
Oh, snacks.
There's a glass of milk there.
And is that some bread?
"Stand on one leg then
continue reading."
No, that one.
"Your raised foot must not touch
the ground...
"..until the task is complete.
"Bring Alex's dinner.
"Every time your raised foot
touches the ground,
"you must eat a slice of
Alex's dinner.
"Most dinner delivered fastest wins.
"Your time starts now."
You love you a snack, don't you,
Mel? I do.
See something, eat it. Lovely.
We'll see Lolly, Joe and Mel.
I should say, you're going to get
a five-second penalty per slice
of my dinner that you've eaten, OK?
"Your time starts now."
So, that's once.
That's really...
Right, sorry. One sandwich going in.
Sorry.
That's impossible! How do
you hop...?
Oh, sod it.
Shit.
Did your foot touch the
ground? Yeah.
That's two slices of... Three!
Sorry. It's got to go down.
I don't need all that bread, do I?
You have to eat six and then give
me my dinner.
Dinner time! Thank you, Joe.
LOLLY MOANS
Sorry. It's got to go in.
Ugh! Please can you give
me my dinner?
Thank you, Lolly. Yummy. Enjoy.
All three going for, eh...
hop and gobble. Yeah, hop
and gobble.
Although Lolly gobbled at the end
rather than during.
That was her tactic. She did.
Saved time.
You looked like you were having real
problems, there. Horrible time.
Horrible? Hated it.
Lolly had to eat six slices of
bread, 900 calories, which meant
I was 900 calories short, which is
why I was faint that evening.
Yeah, you were. She was also...
I'm sorry, Lolly, you were the
slowest. You started sliding to
avoid the hopping,
and then you abandoned that because
you were worried that the bread
was going to get soggy,
which was nice of you. Yeah.
Mel was a lot quicker,
2 minutes 25. Oh. Five slices. Yep.
And then old Joe Lycett...
Old Joe Lycett? 1 minute 41.
1.41 and four slices.
Very fast hopping.
Very fast hopping. Great hopping.
Great bread gobbling.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Interesting, Joe sped up after each
slice. He sped up, did he?
He sped up after each slice. Wow.
So, you're sort of
bread-powered Lycett.
This is the generic link into the
commercial break.
See you soon for part two...
Part three...
Part four.
Then they can just pick the right
one from there and edit it in.
Hello, viewers.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where comedians are trying to take
each others' chairs away, leaving
them once again as stand-ups.
Alex? Yes. Catch us up with the
stuff, please. OK.
It's a tasty task.
They're all trying to bring me
my dinner on one leg
and through bunting,
the way you like it.
Lolly, Joe and Mel
have done it so far.
Joe's currently in the lead.
Up next, Hugh Dennis.
"Your time starts now."
Scissors, please.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, Hugh.
Oh, it's all there, though.
MEL: Very good.
That's more like it. Incredible.
And entirely in keeping with your
character across the whole series -
One of a low-level psychopath.
It's the twelfth time he's used
a blade during the series.
And what I like, when Hugh does
get destructive...
Cos sometimes he can appear very
cuddly and kind,
but when he does get destructive,
his vocabulary shrinks,
and he uses minimal words,
and you'll notice that the only
words he used in that clip were...
BOTH: "Scissors, please."
Really good, Hugh. 1 minute 48.
So, he was seven seconds slower than
Joe, but no time penalties.
No slices. No slices.
Do you want to find out if Hugh was
faster at hopping than Noel, though?
The big question. Yeah, I do.
OK, well, this is the final
competitor - Noel Fielding.
Ah. Oh, no.
Thank you, Noel.
Mm? One missing. Mm. Not too bad.
I've stopped the clock.
Mm. Mh-hm.
Thank you, Noel, that's great.
That's lovely. Thank you very much.
It's funny, isn't it? You never
really know a person.
I'm part flamingo.
Where did you learn to hop
like that?
I don't think I've ever tried.
It was just something that,
as I was doing it, I though,
"Oh, yeah, I'm good at this."
Better even than old scissor boy.
Hey! Do you want a race later?
We've just had one!
I was over the finish line
while you were rummaging
through the cutlery drawer.
Yeah. That's true. He was very
quick. 46.1 seconds. Wow.
MEL: Wow, Noel.
OK. Well, unfortunately, Lolly,
you did come last in that one.
And then it goes Mel,
then Joe, then Hugh,
then the winner was Noel Fielding!
The exciting news is we have joint
leaders at this stage of the show.
The leaders are Hugh and Noel
at the moment, on nine points.
There we go. Not bad.
And I thought I'd give myself
a star for doing the scoreboard.
Give it to me.
OK.
What's next?
The next one is a bit like...
It's a bit like hide and seek.
It's... It's...
This one is hide and seek. Ready?
Hello.
WHISPERS: Where's Alex?
Hmm. Is he hiding?
Cato style.
Melt that down for later.
"Hide from Alex.
Alex is in the caravan.
"He has already started
counting to 100."
Oh, my God, he's started counting.
"Hide from Alex. Alex is in
the caravan.
"He's already started
counting to 100."
'Seven, eight,'
nine, ten...
What I like to do when we're at home
is to send Alex off to hide
and then I go on holiday.
Twice. Twice you've done that.
Shall we start with Hugh Dennis and
Joe Lycett hiding? Yes, yes.
OK. That's lucky. Here we go.
Nine patatas, ten patatas.
'12, 13, 14, 15...'
'44, 45...'
Anything? That's just a wall.
There is no upstairs.
48, 49, 50!
'56, 57, 58...'
99, 100! Coming, ready or not!
I'm coming, Joe!
Joe?!
He's looking in the garden
at the moment.
Arrgh!
THEY LAUGH
Why couldn't I see you coming
through the front door?
I've stopped the clock, Joe!
I've found you!
You know the rules of
hide and seek, right?
Yeah, but then when he spotted
me I was really frightened
for some reason. I don't know,
I just wanted to get away from him.
And what was your strategy?
My strategy was I thought
I could work out where he was
and then go where he wasn't. Yeah.
And I thought I saw him go round
the side, but actually,
I think what I'd seen was
the cameraman following him,
so I was hiding from the
wrong person.
So, I went into the living room
thinking I would be fine,
and then he basically just opened
the door and we went...
Literally, you are
as stealthy as a cow.
Do you want some times? Yeah, I do.
I mean, Joe ran for two minutes
following the find.. Yeah.
..but he hid successfully for
one minute and nine seconds.
Hugh hid for one minute and nine
seconds. Exactly the same.
What?! Really?
What? Really?
Wow. That's amazing.
OK, do you want to see
the man... Yes.
..wearing a yellow boiler suit
hide? Yes.
OK. Here's Noel Fielding.
Three, four, five, six...
'Eight, nine, ten...'
There's no-one in there, is there?
'94, 95,'
96, 97, 98,
99, 100!
Coming, ready or not!
Ah. There you are.
NOEL LAUGHS
Can you see me? Yeah. Damn. Yeah.
I mean, it was initially
so impressive.
The movement was that of a tiger.
I know.
But tigers tend to blend in,
they don't wear a fucking yellow
boiler suit!
The only yellow ninja.
Until...the moment.
I looked round the corner of
the caravan and I thought,
"Ooh, that can't be Noel."
But then I thought,
"Oh, no, that is Noel." Yeah.
16 seconds. 16.
You're not going to believe this,
but that's the end of part two.
Part three next. After that,
part four.
But first, part three.
See you in part three.
Well, hello, part three!
Alex, what was it you were
looking for before the break?
I was looking for them,
and I found THEM very easily.
Would you like to see me
looking for women?
I would, I would like to see you
hunting women. Yeah.
OK. Here I go.
10, 11, 12...
'13, 14, 15, 16...'
'89, 90, 91, 92...'
I'm going in the cupboard.
100! Coming, ready or not!
Oh, my God! Where do you...?
There. You got me on them, erm...
Still feel...
No, it was fine.
Keep going. Yeah, cheers.
Lolly? I feel like I've
looked everywhere.
Lolly?! We've finished!
Lolly?!
PHONE RINGS
She's calling. Hi, Lolly.
'It's quite noisy here.'
It doesn't sound noisy.
It doesn't sound noisy, Lolly.
'There's quite a lot of
people here.'
Put someone else on then, Lolly.
OK. One second.
WITH SCOTTISH ACCENT:
'Hello, there.'
She's sent me a picture. Well,
that was sent one minute ago.
She's wearing a different outfit.
Oh, God. Right. Round we go again!
Is that her?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Well done, nice to see you.
Good game. Not bad.
Did you have fun? No.
The first question I've got is
for Alex.
And my question is, did you
accidentally feel Mel's boobs.
There was a drive-by. Both of them.
And possibly
in the Penny Field area, as well.
I didn't... It was fine. You saw,
there was little bit of awkwardness.
Yeah. I found you
after two and a half minutes
and then felt embarrassed
for three days.
I didn't feel Lolly's boobs.
Just for the record.
I didn't feel just... I didn't. No.
I'd looked for you twice in that
room, she was in the tiniest nook.
In a shower cubicle. With a plank.
Yeah, there was a plank.
And I was in the triangle crest.
Also, you taunted me. I did.
The taunting was just wonderful.
I sent a photo of me on the beach.
And maybe one of me as a baby,
as well. That was confusing.
That's going to baffle him,
isn't it?
You've hidden yourself in time.
It took 23 minutes.
Incredible.
In that task, Noel came fifth and
we have joint third of Joe and Hugh.
Mel in second,
Lolly in the first place.
She can hide, that girl. Right. Have
you got another task ready? I have.
And it's sad news. It's the final
team task of the series.
Aaah!
Shall I? Yeah. Go on, love.
Get this wheelie bin
across the finishing line.
OK.
One of you must be
in the wheelie bin at all times.
The other person must be
blindfolded at all times.
The wheelie bin rider must
direct the wheelie bin drivers
to complete the course...
And the five challenges within it.
Also, no-one can speak English.
Well, I think I ought
to push the bin, don't you?
I think you should go in
the wheelie bin.
You mind being there,
with that over your head?
Just to confirm,
both teams immediately
put the women in the bin.
We're going to see
the older couple first.
Two women in a bin.
Let's rock.
Ooh! Votre temps!
Votre temps commence maintenant.
Allons y! Allons y!
A gauche! A gauche! A gauche!
Tournez! Ah, oui.
Reversez entre le...le truc.
No, no, no! Pas maintenant.
Il faut aller a la porte
et plus il faut reverser.
Before... No.
Allons y. Allons. Allons. A gauche!
A gauche, et reverser
entre le porte. Ici?
Tu reverse maintenant.
Non. Oui, oui, oui!
Bon, bon, bon, bon!
Erreur! Attention!
No, no, no, no. No!
Alors, alors! Attends. OK.
Pour onze secondes.
OK? OK. Un, deux, trois,
quatre, cinq, six, sept,
huit, neuf, dix.
Onze.
Et oui. Plus, c'est moi. Allons y.
Ah, non!
Nouns allons a gauche, s'il vous
plait. Comme ca? Tres, tres bon.
Et maintenant.
Arrete, s'il vous plait. Oui.
Tu dois faire le boof! Boof?
Tu dois faire la boof-boof
a le balon.
Oui! Il faut burster le balon!
Oui! Good!
Et, reverser, s'il vous plait.
Reverser, oui.
Alors, allons y. Allons y.
Et maintenant nous faisons le...
Oui?
C'est le signe de basketball.
C'est le signe de cool, uh.
Avec les mains! Eh!
Haut! Haut cinq! Haut cinq.
Eh! Tres bon!
Et maintenant? Allons y. Allons y!
Directement. A le fini. A le fini?
Oui! C'est tout? Oui, oui, oui!
Maintenant, il faut faire ca...
Ah, q'est-ce que c'est que ca?
I asked the producer to look up
for me the French for the name Hugh.
While we were watching that.
It isn't "Oug",
you'll be surprised to learn.
Just Hugh.
I was a bit confused by that.
So, the other team
chose a different language.
Do you want to see the children
and Noel do the other language?
Here's Joe, Lolly,
and Noel. Here we go.
OK. Ah, ja, ja!
Eins links. Links. Left. Links.
Links. Links. Schnell.
Ja, ja, ja, ja!
Halt!
Nicht schnell aber... Not forward.
Backwards? Ja, ja, ja, ja.
We have to go backwards? Ja, ja, ja!
Eins biegen links.
Schnell.
Jesus.
Halt!
Was ist das. Ist das...
HE MUTTERS IN GERMAN
Ja. Eins biegen links.
Schnell, schnell, schnell! Halt!
Io non parlo Italiano....
Hier ist eins Balloon. Si.
B...b...b... Bridges?
Bridge? There's a bridge?
Nein! Uber die Brucke? Nein!
Kilt! Kill it? Ja!
Burst the balloon? Ja!
Stamp on it!
Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!
Schnell, schnell, schnell. Schnell.
Rechts. Rechts. Ja.
Ja! Schnell, schnell, schnell!
Er, halt.
High five.
Ja! Schnell!
Links, schnell, schnell. Schnell!
Links, links, links!
Stop the clock!
Schnell? Schnell?
Schnell hasn't been screamed
like that for over 60 years.
Incredible dialogue between you two.
Hampered, as you were,
by a seemingly half-pissed skeleton.
So, the married couple did it
in six minutes and 39 seconds.
The bickering French couple..
Yes. Monsieur et madame.
Whereas, the others did it
in six minutes and three seconds.
I don't know how you want to
award the points.
I think we've got
to give everybody points.
So, I think three points
for the fastest team.
Two points for the slower team.
OK. And a star... No stars.
No stars for naughty boys.
Have we got time for another one?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
What? Oh, that's spooky.
Cool guy. Mm-hmm.
Hell...
Is he based on you?
I'm based on him.
You're based on him?
Quite beautiful, actually.
Strange slippers, though. They're my
slippers. Beautiful slippers.
Oh!
The arm...
Literally, the arm moved down.
If that thing starts walking,
I'm probably going to vomit.
Unveil a new handshake.
Best new handshake wins.
You have five minutes
to develop your new handshake.
Then three minutes to demonstrate
your new handshake with Alex.
What is the point of him?
Chest bump?
Bit early noughties, isn't it?
The old...
CRUNCHING NOISE
Sort of water pump.
I don't think
I need the five minutes.
You're ready to demonstrate it
with me? Yeah. Really? Yeah.
Sorry. That's...
Oh, where's your head?.
"Now, I'm probably going to
vomit if this moves."
Is that a reaction to stress
for you? I don't like mannequins.
Just mannequins? I'm not that keen
on that head either. Oh, yeah?
I don't like it either. It's mine.
So, the mannequin was called
Bernard. Bernard Mannequin.
Were going to start off with...
Were going to start off with Mel.
BOTH: Rrr! Rrr! Diddle-iddle-di.
Bish, bash, bosh!
Give, receive. BOTH: Roooor-roor!
Key this. Slide. Back in.
BOTH: Yooour!
Dish, dosh.
That's enough. Good point.
You're much better than that.
Sort of a Mum version
of a street handshake.
"Give, receive" !
That was my favourite bit.
We've got another gangster
handshake immediately. OK.
Which, out of these, do you think is
in a gang? Hugh Dennis, right?
Yes. Hugh Dennis.
This is his gangster shake.
Hi. Hi.
Yeah. That's European.
You know, in the male world, silence
counts for quite a lot, doesn't it?
It was very male, and yet
I imagined you both in a sauna.
Do you want to see how the youth
do it? Lolly is our youngest.
Oh, hello, Alex. Hello, Lolly.
Oh!
What's this?
£20? And that's something else.
There's...
Some chewing gum.
And what's this?
It's paracetamol and codeine.
It's delicious. Thank you.
Well, there you have it.
The perfect handshake.
Money. Fresh breath. Painkillers.
I had a headache. My breath smelled.
And you don't pay me. So it was...
Much appreciated. Very sweet.
What did you spend the £20 on?
I gave it to Greg.
He did. And I bought ham with it.
That's what I wanted.
That's what I wanted.
Oh, and that's the end
of part three.
See you soon for
the final part of the show.
Welcome back. It's part four
of the show. Where were we?
We were doing handshakes.
Which are like milkshakes
but handier.
So far, we've seen
the old schoolers Mel and Hugh.
We've seen how the kids do
it with Lolly.
Next up, we're going to have
a look at Noel.
I didn't enjoy it.
But we're going to find out
if you do.
We'll be the judge of that.
Hi, Alex. Are you ready? I think so.
OK. Lower your hands slightly.
That's good. A bit more.
A bit more. A tiny bit more.
That's good. We're almost in. I feel
something. Can you feel something?
I like the sensation. Give that
a little jiggle. Go a bit lower.
A bit lower.
Are we shaking hands yet?
I think we're shaking hands.
And, you know what, I think we might
be done. Bye. Bye. Take care. OK.
The old classic dick hand.
Haven't seen it for years.
If you've got one.
You might as well use it.
Did you enjoy it, Alex?
I like being in a wheelbarrow
because I'm very used to it now.
When we go on holiday together.
But... And I didn't mind being...
I don't like people
getting within personal space.
Normally, I like being six-foot away
in case I faint
and catch myself on them.
So, I like the distance.
But seeing...
Seeing the cold reality? Yeah.
Of you using a pole with a glove on
the end to touch a man's genitals.
Yeah.
That happened to be a hand.
It made you uncomfortable,
didn't it? I've had that dream.
Do you want to see the last one?
Yes, please. Joe Lycett. Yeeeah.
OK. This is Joe. Put your hand out
like that. And then it's just...
How long do we do it for?
This is three minutes.
Eye contact with it? Yeah.
Not that aggressive. Softly.
It's quite soothing, isn't it?
Quite far away from you.
Yeah, that's right.
You're getting quite fast. Yeah.
It gets faster
as the three minutes goes on.
You just looking at it now.
Can I look at it?
Shh.
I love you. Pardon.
I love you.
Then you have to say it back,
like that.
I love you.
Yeah. That is it.
I love you. I love you.
Really build the speed up.
And that's it. Mm.
Can I go? Mm-hmm.
I think genuinely creepy.
But I loved it. Because I loved
seeing him uncomfortable.
And I know that, really,
he hated every second of that. Yeah.
The full 180 seconds.
He was the only one who used
the full three minutes.
Give you your money's worth.
I'm going to be pretty swift
with this -
I can't really separate
the two gangsters...
Mel and Joe. ..and Lolly.
I'm going to give them
a joint third place.
OK, so we're starting at third. Yes.
Are you going up or down?
I'm going up from there,
obviously. Yes.
I can't take any more off,
really. Fuck me!
LAUGHTER
I personally am excited by
a man with a hand for a penis,
so I'm going to put him in second.
Mm-hmm.
But I've never seen
such an unsettling,
awful performance as the winner of
that task, Mr Joe Lycett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Scoreboard? OK, well, it's tense -
of course it is.
We still have joint leaders
and they've not budged for a while.
The joint leaders are Hugh and Noel,
but anyone could win it in
the final task except for Mel.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right, the end is in sight.
Will you please make your way
to the stage
for the final task of the show?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, well, this looks interesting,
Alex. Mm-hmm. Bananas.
Ten bananas each. Glue, stapler,
gaffer tape, chopping board.
And could we get someone to read out
the task? Yes. Who would you like?
Erm, Mel.
Luckily, I've adopted
the reading out the task pose.
You have.
Just melt that down later. Yeah.
Right. Oh, lads,
this is really good.
OK, "Make the best and biggest
all-round banana
"out of these bananas.
"You have 100 seconds,
"after which the Taskmaster
will judge your bananas."
Yes, I will. Cheers. OK.
So, it's best and biggest
all-round banana. Good luck.
WHISTLE TOOTS
CHEERING
Different technique.
Best and biggest banana.
Why are the women on the floor?
You've got to get a curve on
a banana. Lovely curve.
We're almost there.
APPLAUSE
Ten seconds!
CHEERING
AUDIENCE: Five, four,
three, two, one...
WHISTLE TOOTS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Stop making your bananas, please.
OK, so, would you like me to...?
Yes, please. I'd like you
to talk me through the bananas.
Shall we start with Noel?
Hello! Long banana.
You've done a long S-shaped banana.
That classic banana shape.
LAUGHTER
And I'll tell you whose
it's better than.
LAUGHTER
I've made ban-unting.
APPLAUSE
Thank you!
The only way that that statement
and that chain of bananas
should get a round of applause is if
it is presented by a five-year-old.
LAUGHTER
Move on to Lolly? Yes, please.
I will say in your favour, she's the
only one who's peeled the bananas.
Are you saying that the raw banana's
inside...? I can peel her bananas.
There's raw banana inside,
but what I've sort of done is sort
of decorated it around...
With the skins?
With skins and insides as well.
So you've created a big banana. Yes.
That's really good.
Where's your banana, Joe?
Here it is!
Look how big this banana is.
And if you peel it just here
and only here...
Look, the real essence of banana,
just like a banana.
But look how big it is!
Big old banana, that. Big banana!
Finally, Hugh Dennis's banana.
It's just a big fucking banana.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK, here we go.
Do you want to start with the worst
all-round banana?
Yes, Mel, I do. What?!
The ban-unting? Ban-unting
is not going to catch on, my friend.
You're going to take that
into last place.
And fourth place for Noel.
Hugh can go next,
look at the state of him.
LAUGHTER
And I really liked Joe's banana,
but something told me
it was part of the stage.
Something? Yeah. What?
And, you know, if it's a big banana,
if it's a beautiful banana
and if it's a functional banana,
it's a Lolly banana, simple as that.
Yeah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, what has that banana drama done
to our scores? Very nice.
Well, it's added a lot of drama to
the scores - for the first time ever
in Taskmaster history,
we have a three-way tie at the top.
Let's have a look,
let's have a look.
Oh!
APPLAUSE
I don't even know what we do
in a three-way tie.
A task, Greg, a tie-break task,
and this time we got them to open
a jar of mayonnaise.
Unfortunately,
I spilt Vaseline all over the jar
before they opened it,
so here is the mayonnaise tie-break.
Just feel like I might need them.
"Open this jar."
"The jar may not leave the lab.
Fastest time wins."
"Your time starts now."
Done.
APPLAUSE
THUD!
LAUGHTER
When you say open...
No, it's open, yeah.
Am I allowed to do the task,
if I think I know what the task is,
without looking at the task?
You do whatever you want, Joe.
Oh, that was quick.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, so with a time of zero seconds,
the winner of this...
Mr Joe Lycett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Joe, please take that chair to the
stage and collect your other chairs!
So, what have we learnt today?
Well,
we've learnt that once upon a time
there was a family called
the Pennyfields.
They lived in a little house.
Some had pipe-cleaner legs,
some had metal shoes.
Their owner was insane.
That's show seven, then.
Please give another round
of applause for today's winner,
Mr Joe Lycett!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
See you next time for
the final of Taskmaster.
Goodnight!
Subtitles by Ericsson