Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Meat - full transcript
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Oh!
HE LAUGHS
Mwah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Thank you. Stop it. Thank you. I'm
Greg Davies, welcome to Taskmaster.
What a series this is
turning out to be.
The Taskmaster trophy is edging
closer to having
a proud new owner and our comedians
have never had to work so hard for
something in their lives because,
let's face it,
they've got it pretty easy.
Let's meet them now.
Our contenders are...Hugh Dennis!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE THROUGHOUT
Joe Lycett!
Lolly Adefope!
Mel Giedroyc!
Noel Fielding!
And sidled up beside
me in his inferior armchair,
it's little Alex Horne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've sensed a newfound confidence
in you during this series.
Genuinely? Yes, I have. Thank you.
And quite right, too,
cos I am feeling...
I think I've secured my future.
I've invented something
to make some money. Have you?
Cola Mobile.
So it's like normal Cola,
which is delicious,
but you can drink it anywhere.
LAUGHTER
It's like mobile phones
compared to the landline.
You can just take it to a park.
LAUGHTER
Please can we hear today's prize
category, Alex? Certainly, Greg.
We've asked them to bring in their
cutest thing. OK? It's nice.
That is nice. So it's up to you,
Greg - Greg Davies - to judge
which of their things is the cutest.
The person who has brought in the
cutest thing will gain 5 points.
The winner of the whole episode
will walk home with five really
cute things.
Wow, all to play for.
And I guess part of this is judging
what I personally would find cute.
Very big part of it. Oh, dear.
LAUGHTER
Lolly, hello. Hello.
What do you consider cute? I've
brought in a photo of myself. Oh.
Yeah.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
JOE: That's so cute.
Holding the rose! I just done
a show and they threw roses at me.
Even back then you were getting
standing ovations. Yeah.
Well, it is cute but it also looks
like you've been buried up to
your neck in that duvet.
OK, listen. I think it's cute.
Do you think it's cute?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Cheers.
Great start. Noel, what have you
brought in that's cute?
I thought what would be great is if
you could make anything cute. Wow.
So I've got a plate of cute
sort of googly eyes. Look.
LAUGHTER
Right. I'm gonna say
that plate isn't cute.
No, but take something quite violent
like a weapon and make it cute.
Look - hammer.
LAUGHTER
Who would mind having their head
stoved in by that? Exactly!
It genuinely works, doesn't it?
It's really cute.
Joe, you're up against it here.
Two very cute things.
I have a picture of my favourite
creature in the whole world.
It's Bertie the dog.
AUDIENCE: Awww!
We go on tour together sometimes and
in Bristol they were
a bit nervous about him
coming to the show,
and I was explaining to them,
"Thank you for letting him in,
"he's really well behaved."
And looked behind me and he was
taking a shit in the auditorium.
LAUGHTER
But, seemingly, he was punished by
having his back half removed.
LAUGHTER
Difficult to poop when you haven't
got the apparatus.
Dear me. No-one has put
a foot wrong so far.
Let's see if that's about to change.
Hugh. Yeah.
Well, it will be, cos the history of
this is that I have come last
in every single prize task.
Oh, for sure, you have.
Well, you see, I have
a cute thing but it's a little toy.
We've got a picture of that on the
screen just for the audience.
Lovely little cat.
I mean, my instance reaction is,
"You've done it again, Hugh."
LAUGHTER
Have a go with that one.
TOY MEOWS
Sweet, isn't it? It's
a sort of stress reduction thing.
I find that, in
its stationary position,
and in its eyes extended position,
accompanied with the noise it makes,
to be the direct antithesis of cute.
So, perfect. My mission is complete.
Mel. I've brought in...
It's so cute!
It's a little towelling peapod
and then you unzip it and you see
the little three peas inside.
Honestly, gang, check this out.
Look!
AUDIENCE: Awww!
He doesn't like it, Mel.
What? What's wrong, Greg?
Doesn't work for me.
They've all got different characters
and different voices.
You can do different voices.
Do the voices of each of them and
I'll see if that makes it better.
SOFT, HIGH-PITCHED: "The one
on the left speaks like that."
Oh, dear!
LAUGHTER
Oh, dear!
DEEPER VOICE: "And the one in the
middle talks like that."
He's clearly having an inappropriate
relationship with that one.
OLD WOMAN'S VOICE: "And the one
on the right talks like that."
Irritating.
LAUGHTER
Do you wanna judge it?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Go on, then.
Can I be fifth and last?
Can I tell you?
You don't need to, they all know.
Lolly, there is no question that
your picture is the cutest thing.
Congratulations. Thank you so much.
Lolly Adefope first, OK.
Very, very close between Noel
and Joe, for me.
But I'm gonna give it to Joe.
Do you know why?
Cos that dog's been sawn in half and
it needs some help. OK.
Very close third place.
Sorry, don't give a shit a
bout the peas in the pod.
GRUFF VOICE: "They can
fucking deal with it."
LAUGHTER
Can I just confirm who's in
last place?
Let's not bother,
let's just crack on. OK, fine.
Very good, we're off, what's next?
It's the first big task. It's the
slippiest of the tasks. Ooh! Ready?
Hello. Hello, Hugh.
Very well sealed, that one.
"Slide the furthest."
"You have 20 minutes and one
attempt. Your time starts now."
Holy mackerel.
SHE LAUGHS
Slide the furthest? I need to be
higher, don't I, in order to...
No, not necessarily,
I just need trajectory.
All right. Shed.
One slide?
And it's the furthest wins?
OK.
A slide is basically...
It's action without friction.
Sounds like a slogan.
Yeah! I like that.
I want to focus on action
without friction.
Not my understanding of a slide.
Really?
Well, if there was
no friction you'd carry on forever.
The only place you can slide with
no friction is space.
Oh, we should have gone to space!
LAUGHTER
Who are we gonna see first doing
action with some friction?
We saw Joe using technical terms
like "trajectory" and "higher..."
LAUGHTER
So I thought we'd start with Joe
and Lolly, if that's all right.
"Jo-lly."
Butter? Butter.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
It's all about the, er...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
This is nice. Is it?
It's lovely. Looks nice.
I'm ready.
We're gonna hold that there. We're
not gonna show what they've done
till the end of the task.
Oh, right.
But instead we're gonna start with
Hugh who is exactly the same
age as Joe and Lolly combined.
LAUGHTER
Get your rope.
My rope.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Two metres, Hugh.
HE EXHALES
A full 18 metres 90,
which is the length of
a scale model of the Titanic.
LAUGHTER
Not bad! Thank you.
Who shall we see? Well...
Noel. Yeah. Noel. Noel.
Just see if this works,
in principle.
I'd say this is sliding.
I don't think I'm using that.
Going from up here.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
14 metres.
You've got 4 minutes left.
You're still sliding, are you? Yeah.
That's another 14 metres.
I'm out. You're out? Yeah.
Always cool.
It certainly looked cool.
Real dignity. Mm.
Some controversy with this one. The
rules were "you have one attempt."
You could test out the slide but
you have one attempt.
Why didn't you stop me, then,
you dick?
LAUGHTER
I mean, it's a very good question.
It was absolutely exhausting.
At the time, you thought it was one
sliding session. Yeah.
But you weren't taking readings.
No, I would be angry with him as
well but it's just one slide,
so whichever of the longest of the
slides will have to count.
We got 14 metres and 19 metres.
We still haven't seen how these guys
have got on on their three metres
of tarpaulin. Do we need to?
I'm pretty sure that Lolly will have
crashed through the gates,
grabbed hold of the bumper of
a car and done five or six miles.
We'll have a look after the break.
Right, time for an advert or two.
See you in a short while.
Welcome back to good old Taskmaster.
It's part two and we've been
watching
a sliding scale of comedians.
You're right.
We've watched Hugh tugging himself
an impressive length.
LAUGHTER
And then Noel had
a whole sliding session.
We're saving Joe and Lolly
to the end,
so it's just Mrs Giedroyc -
Mrs Sledge-royc! Yeah.
Zip me up, love.
This is absolutely brilliant.
Action without friction, guys.
This is what we're aiming for.
Let's do it.
This feels excellent.
This feels absolutely marvellous.
Keep it going, team. Use the hill.
Now we're back on grass.
Keep going, round the corner,
if you can. Back up the hill.
You've got two minutes left.
Oh, my God. Guys,
you're doing amazing work.
Stay on the grass.
You are incredible.
That's the end of the time.
Oh, my God. I think that's the most
fun I've had sliding.
Action without friction.
Ironically, if you'd brought
a picture of that in,
of you cocooned up in that,
you'd have taken round one as well.
CUTE VOICE: "Did you like me as
a little caterpillar?" I did.
LAUGHTER
She slid 56.5 metres.
Well over a metre.
56.5 metres.
You'd think she had this in the bag
but she's yet to face
a man who's rubbed butter
and cream onto himself.
And a woman who thinks she's gonna
be able to slide on concrete.
Are you ready? Yeah! Here we go.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I'll go to your fingertips.
It's not far.
I missed it.
If Lolly had worn
a wool suit and fallen onto Velcro,
would she have slid...
The same. The same amount.
LAUGHTER
Lolly slid 3.2 metres.
That's the same height as
Kylie Minogue standing on a horse.
LAUGHTER
Joe - 5 metres 80.
Vince Vaughn on Owen Wilson on
Ben Stiller on an unlit barbecue.
LAUGHTER
But there's a clear winner
and that is Mel!
CHEERING
How's the scoreboard looking now,
Alex? It couldn't be much closer.
Hugh is trailing but only by 1 and
then three people in second place.
Mel in first place on 7 points.
Brilliant!
CHEERING
Do you think the next task might be
something to rekindle our
relationship with Europe?
I believe it can.
And if we all believe, then believe
me - here's the next task.
RINGING
Hello. Hi, Lolly.
How exciting.
Is that an actual person.
Hello.
Who's that?
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Hello. Hello.
SHE MOUTHS
Hello. Hello.
I don't do this.
Filming yourself.
Doesn't appear to be a task here.
Oh, that's... Oh, good.
"Maintaining constant eye contact
and making continuous small talk..."
"..with this Swedish person..."
"..put on the wetsuit, flippers,
facemask and snorkel."
Where even are those things?
"Your head may not leave the Swedish
person's frame at any point."
"You may not move the laptop from
its current position. Fastest wins."
"Your time..." I'm taking my shoes
off. "Your time starts when..."
"..when the Swedish person
smiles at you."
I don't know....
I don't know where it is.
LAUGHTER
Different approach to webcam chats.
You were very uncomfortable with it,
Mel.
I don't do that thing where you look
at someone on the screen and chat.
You think it's a bit smutty?
It's just the idea of somehow
it being in your own home.
It's all a bit private.
Is that what you call it?
LAUGHTER
So they had to put on a wetsuit
while making small talk with
a Swede. Yeah. We're gonna dock you
five seconds every time you break
eye contact. Ooh.
And also there's a bonus point
for whoever puts on the wetsuit
best, cos there was some struggle.
We're gonna start off with Mel
and Joe. Here we go.
Aw, so sweet! OK, right.
Constant eye contact, please.
Sorry, constant eye contact.
That's a smile, innit? I gotta
start. He... What's your name?
Fred.
So, um, what do you tend to
do for Christmas? Visit my parents.
What kind of line of work
are you in?
A painter/decorator and a musician.
A painter/decorator and a musician?
That's a niche couple of things.
Mm-hm. I've never actually done a
thing where you film yourself into
a computer. Oh, God, sorry,
I've just looked down.
I was looking for my zip.
To do up!
I like you. Are you single?
Yeah.
Do you like to cook Swedish food?
No, I think it's quite boring.
Really?
What are you looking for
in a relationship?
Good question.
That's probably why I'm single.
Ah, no.
What's your favourite,
er, type of quiche?
Quiche?
You look great. It's...
SHE LAUGHS
Eye contact, please, Joe.
And how long have you been single?
Two years. Oh, my God.
I think things are gonna be all
right for you, though. Thanks, man.
I've gotta put the snorkel in,
so tatty-bye, my love.
Great to talk.
WHISTLE BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I don't think it's disrespectful to
suggest that if Fred did have
inappropriate thoughts,
as soon as the mask went on...
maybe his desire left him.
I thought they both did very well.
Yes.
Joe genuinely flirting with Fred.
Unbelievable.
I think he's very handsome.
He was nice, wasn't he? He's
single. Did you get his number?
No, I didn't. The problem was you
started with small talk,
with the quiche chat, you asked him
what his favourite yoghurt was.
That's incredible small talk.
Started with small talk,
drifted into big talk. Big talk!
He said, "Are you single? I think
you'll be OK, I believe in you."
That's not small talk.
I'm obviously going in with the
wrong chats on Tinder, aren't I?
Definitely. If you're gonna go in
with existential stuff you're
gonna remain single.
"What's your favourite yoghurt?
How do you feel about death?"
LAUGHTER
He was quick, though. 4 minutes 22
to put the entire wetsuit on.
Whereas 6 minutes 4 to put on
sort of half a wetsuit.
Let's see if Hugh and Lolly managed
to charm the Swede. Here we go.
Is that a smile?
I don't think that is a smile.
That's a kind of a mad,
crazed killer sort of look.
And what do you do? I'm a musician
and a decorator. Oh, cool.
What kind of music do you play?
Bit of everything.
You're back. Hello. I'm maintaining
eye contact with you.
What's your favourite
colour to paint?
Blue.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Do you go to IKEA a lot?
Not really, no.
Eye contact, please, Hugh.
What did you last paint blue?
A kitchen. Lovely.
I am wearing this now, so...
HE MUMBLES
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
We're talking about the definition
of small talk and perhaps Joe
jazzed it up a little bit too much.
Is "What was the last thing
you painted blue?"
going too far the other way?
Tiny talk. Tiny talk. Tiny talk.
They were both quick.
3 minutes 45 by Hugh,
4 minutes 10... How much of the
wetsuit did Hugh actually have on?
All of it. Haaaalf?
Half? Sorry. Haaalf?
I'm not sure that was on the task.
It said just put the wetsuit on.
It did. So it doesn't mean put it
on, it just meant have it on.
LAUGHTER
Just Noel's attempt left to see.
But not until we've gorged on
advertising. See you after that.
You've returned to the third part
of Taskmaster where we're
trying to maintain a healthy
relationship with Europe by
video calling our old pal
Fred in Sweden. Too right, Greg!
We've already seen four of our
comics struggle to maintain
eye contact with a digital Fred
while donning diving gear.
The only attempt left to see is that
of the comedian Noel Fielding.
Hey, how are you? Good. How are you?
Are you really Swedish? Yeah.
You're pretty blonde.
I'm quite blonde as well
but I dye my hair black.
It's important for me to maintain
a sort of Goth sort of situation.
Otherwise I don't get any work.
Oh, OK, yeah.
When it said put these things on,
can I just not put them on my head?
In a pile. I might wear them like
an elaborate headpiece.
There you go, on the head.
It's nice talking to you,
I hope we can stay in touch. Yeah.
I don't think we will, though,
will we? Probably not.
All right, I'll see you later.
Yeah, see you. Bye.
APPLAUSE
What you just said on the video was,
"Realistically, I don't think we're
gonna stay in touch."
And I was gonna give you
a point for that honesty.
And that's the only point you're
gonna get out of this round,
believe me. Happy? Yeah. OK,
it's quite a complicated one.
We have to use a graph system,
I'm afraid.
So this is how they did before
the penalty points for eye
contact breakage.
So it's whoever is lowest
has done the best.
So Noel was very quick but you've
disqualified him, unfortunately.
Hugh, you're fastest at this point
but when we adjust the scores
it ends up looking like this.
So, actually, it's Lolly then Joe
then Hugh and then Mel. OK?
Yay!
Noel's also getting 1 point
for the small talk.
And a bonus point for Joe for
putting the wetsuit on fully.
He was the only one who wore
the wetsuit. There you go.
Onwards. Here's a sort of team task.
That's a bit worrying.
Oh, look, look!
"Please whisper this task to Alex."
Through the cans, please, Lolly.
Thank you, Lolly!
Joe, could you read your task,
please?
Noel, could you read your one,
please?
Thank you, Noel.
What I like about that is that,
much like my good self,
Hugh was not at all baffled by the
cans because when we were
children they were actual toys.
I'm not sure everybody fully
understands the task.
No, I do, though. It's whoever
accomplishes the tasks best.
It's a team task. Whichever team
does the best gets the points.
Oh, it's that straightforward?
That straightforward.
Do you wanna see how the most-loved
double act in TV got on?
Mel and Hugh, here we go.
What are you doing? Really? What?
Oh, no, Hugh, no, no.
Hugh, what's going on?
I've gotta put as many things
in the bathtub as possible.
And you've got to cover it
with cling film. Oh, my God.
I'm gonna have to leave him
a little space.
Oh, hang on. That's good.
This is so hard!
This is really hard.
Have we got to cover it or we
don't get anything?
We've gotta cover the surface.
With cling film? With cling film.
You go over there, you roll it back.
OK. OK? Now, keep rolling,
keep rolling.
Yeah. Cold feet here, Hugh.
His feet are cold.
Quick, quick, quick!
Just this bit. No, no, no, no!
Looking good. Looking very strong.
That's not bad.
Come on, Hugh.
You cling filming Alex's feet is,
again, far cuter than peas in a pod.
What I thought was delightful about
the whole thing is no-one
told you this was a team task
but you just worked together.
You worked out very quickly that you
both had different tasks to do.
Hugh, so chivalrous, "I'm gonna
start cling filming as well."
I've nothing negative to say
about that. Aw!
That was just two people helping
each other but I don't
understand why...
HE SOBS
LAUGHTER
Just think everything will be
a little bit better.
See, I refuse to accept that the
slightly younger generation
can't do exactly the same,
that they can't work together.
Here we go.
Everyone ready?
Are we all working together?
WHISTLE
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
No idea what we're creating here.
No, I don't like you.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I can't get it out!
I think I got the easy part.
How's it going, Noel?
All right, yeah, I think so.
Not sure if I read my task properly.
You did.
Fucking cling film!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
40 seconds left, Lolly.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Can you step away from the bath,
please?
Thanks, guys. Great teamwork.
We should have told each
other our tasks.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
What have you got to say for
yourselves?
I mean, at least Noel...
There was a slight nod from Noel
at the beginning.
"Is this a team task?"
And then he just stood there,
pissing water into
a bath while Rome burned.
LAUGHTER
I've got another question.
What's with the table?
She put a giant table in
about five times.
I thought the table would stop the
cling film from ruining my journey.
Your journey!
They did put 39 things in.
Mainly stones and a wipe, one wipe.
No tables in the end.
The table was yo-yoed in and out.
I think I broke a table.
You broke two tables and there was
very little cling film. Negligible.
"N/A" I've put after the cling film.
Post-nuclear apocalypse. Horrible.
Noel put quite a bit of water in but
the table dislodged the plug,
so most of the water came out.
You gonna mark it? Yeah.
OK, how many points are the
oldsters getting?
The oldsters get the full points.
The full 5 points. And nothing
for these? Not even Water Man?
Of course not. Zero.
OK, so 5-0. There we go, that's it.
DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE
Alex, hit me with the next task.
OK, I will. Get ready. Go!
Nice.
Oh!
Duck! Ha.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
It's my duck friend.
I love this duck.
"Throw something into something."
"Most unbelievable throw wins."
"You've ten minutes to plan
your throw."
"Then ten minutes to pull it off.
Your time starts now." OK.
Just gonna pop to the shed. OK.
Feels like the right thing to do.
So you're hoping for something
impressive.
I think that's the key word
here - "impressive."
And you're hoping for one of those
videos that you see of
somebody just tossing
a basketball into the bin.
That the kids all watch online.
Mm. Yeah. OK.
We'll have a look at three
of them as one. Joe, Lolly and Hugh.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Your ten minutes start...now.
Ooh. That was close, that one.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
I can do this. I believe in myself.
Oh!
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Oh! That was so close!
WHISTLE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Big dog in the house!
I think the proof in the pudding
with these internet videos is
whether you can imagine people
chatting next to the water cooler
on a Monday morning about them.
So perhaps we could role
play some of them.
OK. You just be standing by the
water cooler. OK.
Have you seen that video?
Which video?
The one of guy throwing a nut into
the small end of a traffic cone,
that he is seated
relatively close to.
You try and do it, you bell-end.
LAUGHTER
What job do we do in the role play?
In the office?
Just need to get into the role more.
Erm...we work in...export. OK!
LAUGHTER
We export meat.
Meat? Oh! Oh, lovely old shipment
of meat just went out.
I tell you what, though, you haven't
seen that video where a woman
inexplicably sits on
a tennis umpire's chair and throws
handfuls of sweets at
a man seated on the ground with
a cup of tea in his hand, have you?
No, very busy with my meat.
Have you got one more
video to tempt me?
I did see this amazing video
of a man... How old?
Oh, realistically, mid-80s.
LAUGHTER
..who is attempting to make us
believe he'd thrown toast into
a toaster which is on a roof.
On a roof? No reason for that!
It's on a roof. But he forgot to
take away the previous attempts.
So if it had gone in it wouldn't
have looked impressive cos
we've all seen how many times
he's tried it.
Have you seen that video?
Yeah, I like that one.
Right, let's get these pigs
to France.
Can I just say something
against myself,
which I hadn't realised until I
watched that video -
why am I throwing toast that's
already been toasted?
LAUGHTER
Right. Ad time. Join us soon for the
final part of the show,
and a live task. Bye for now!
Hi, there.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's the final quarter of
tonight's show and there's
a bunch of cute prizes to be won.
Alex is about to remind us what was
happening before the break,
weren't you, Alex? Hello!
Hi, Greg. Thanks for that and good
evening to our viewers everywhere.
We've been doing a lot of throwing.
We've just got Noel and Mel left to
go and we're gonna start with
Noel impressively throwing
something into something.
GLASS SMASHES
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
APPLAUSE
DUCK SQUEAKS
Did you see that video?
LAUGHTER
He did throw something into
something.
Yeah, he successfully threw
a tennis ball into a caravan.
It's really hard to catch that on
a tennis racket.
Then, at the last minute, aah...
Such a shame. Mm. But I enjoyed
the ball going into the caravan.
Yeah, that's all you wanted.
Yeah, yeah. It's enough for me.
Back to it.
LAUGHTER
You prepare the meat, don't you?
Yeah.
This stuff's going to Japan.
Well, there is one more to distract
you. Do you wanna see Mel? Oh, yeah.
OK. Have a look at this.
I used to love it on The A-Team when
there would be a moving vehicle
and people would run along
and jump into the vehicle.
That's throwable.
Where are you?
Go, Alex.
Here we go, there's the car.
Yes!
Did we do it?
Is he still in there?
Come on.
Did you see that woman throw half
a man into a slow moving car?
Do you want to judge them? OK.
It's difficult to know what the
worst is but I think was
throwing M&M's at you.
Skittles. Oh. Oh, God.
Lolly's first.
Yes. Lolly's last.
Er...
Nut boy is a very close fourth.
OK, even though he got it in?
Even though he got into a small
hole, it was fucking rubbish.
Obviously, the bread maniac.
The caravan, I like the ambition
so I'm gonna put him in second.
And the corpse into the moving car
takes first place. OK.
What's the scoreboard like
at the moment?
I'll tell you the scoreboard,
if you want. It's still...
not anyone's game but Hugh and Mel
are at the top
of the league table. Here we go.
APPLAUSE
OK, it's time to stretch those legs.
Please make your way up to the stage
for the final task of the show!
Hello. Hello, Greg. Hello, Greg.
Would you please ask Hugh to read
out the task? Hello, Hugh.
Oh, hi. Hello.
You all right, Hugh?
Thursday!
LAUGHTER
Right, the task is,
"Make the longest,
continuous...noise.
"There will also be
a bonus point for the best noise."
Wow. If you four could all put on
your earphones and eye masks.
And the reason that you're
blindfolded and having the
headphones is so that you can't
copy other people's cool noises.
Oh, shall we put them on now? Yeah.
What, so long noise?
Long, continuous noise, yes.
If you could stand up in front
of your chair.
Continuous, and don't forget there's
a bonus point for the best noise.
WHISTLE
HE MAKES A GRUMBLING NOISE
HE LAUGHS
He made me laugh!
APPLAUSE
Not fair! He made me laugh!
OK, Mel.
There's still a good chance you're
gonna get that extra bonus point.
Is my mascara a bit...?
Yes, it is a bit. OK, that's fine.
Alice Cooper!
It really has masked it. Let's go.
WHISTLE
SHE MAKES A SLOW GURGLING NOISE
Ah! There was a slight pause.
A slight break...
APPLAUSE
Say what you want about Alex,
he's on pauses like a fucking puma.
Thank you.
If you can just stand there, Lolly.
That music is horrible.
By the Horne Section, OK, so...
LAUGHTER
On the whistle. Good luck.
I have asthma. Me too. Ready?
LAUGHTER
Love the stance.
WHISTLE
SHE MAKES A MOANING NOISE
VOLUME DECREASES
APPLAUSE
WHISTLE
If only you finished that with
a full vomit onto the stage.
Your turn!
No reaction whatsoever to you
kissing him.
On the whistle, please, Joe.
WHISTLE
CONTINUOUS: Ahhhhhh...
VOICE FALTERS BUT CONTINUES FAINTLY
WHISTLE
Wow! Wow!
Your turn.
My feeling is Hugh's totally
forgotten where he is.
I don't even know whether
this'll work. Right, OK.
LAUGHTER
Are you sure you got the task right?
LAUGHTER
On the whistle.
WHISTLE
BELT WHOOSHES
It's all about the arms now.
LAUGHTER
Those muscles ain't so built up.
Keep going, mate. I like how
it's pointing at you, Greg.
So do I. Go on. Go on.
You let it go, mate.
Go on!
SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
WHISTLE
He got arrogant!
APPLAUSE
So, Greg, I will add this up
in a minute.
Do you wanna judge on the bonus
point for best noise? Yeah.
It'll come as now surprise to you
I'm giving it to old windmill there.
CHEERING
What are the scores?
Well, Noel - and you did
interfere - had 4 seconds.
Then we go up to...
I didn't mean to.
Then we go up to Mel with 14,
Lolly with 21, Hugh with 30,
but Joe got 32 seconds!
CHEERING
So what has that done
to our final scores?
Well, thanks to that bonus point it
means it's a tie. Let's have a look.
Oh, it's a tie! Tiebreak!
Oh!
What do we do in this situation?
We have a tiebreak.
Over the past few months,
our contestants took part
in some tiebreak challenges.
And in this tiebreak we've asked
them to speed eat. Oh.
Here we go. "Eat as many peas as
possible. You have one minute."
"Your time starts now."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I'm gonna funnel them.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Mm.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
WHISTLE
WHISTLE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, you certainly looked like you
got through some peas there.
Oh, yeah, definitely ate some peas.
I'm on tenterhooks. Mm.
There were 500 peas on the table.
They both ate under 200 peas.
Mel ate 174 peas in one minute.
Almost three per second.
Hugh ate 199 peas.
He's done it!
He's done it.
So the rightful winner of the cute
prizes is none other than
Hugh Dennis. Please,
go and reap your rubbish rewards!
CHEERING
That was a good one, I think.
Yes, and for the record,
you would have been my cutest thing.
Why don't you shut your dirty
mouth?! Yes, I will.
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that kids can't work
together and the planet is
gonna go up in flames,
we're all gonna burn.
Please put your hands together
for tonight's magnificent winner,
Mr Hugh Dennis!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Farewell!
---
Oh!
HE LAUGHS
Mwah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Thank you. Stop it. Thank you. I'm
Greg Davies, welcome to Taskmaster.
What a series this is
turning out to be.
The Taskmaster trophy is edging
closer to having
a proud new owner and our comedians
have never had to work so hard for
something in their lives because,
let's face it,
they've got it pretty easy.
Let's meet them now.
Our contenders are...Hugh Dennis!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE THROUGHOUT
Joe Lycett!
Lolly Adefope!
Mel Giedroyc!
Noel Fielding!
And sidled up beside
me in his inferior armchair,
it's little Alex Horne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've sensed a newfound confidence
in you during this series.
Genuinely? Yes, I have. Thank you.
And quite right, too,
cos I am feeling...
I think I've secured my future.
I've invented something
to make some money. Have you?
Cola Mobile.
So it's like normal Cola,
which is delicious,
but you can drink it anywhere.
LAUGHTER
It's like mobile phones
compared to the landline.
You can just take it to a park.
LAUGHTER
Please can we hear today's prize
category, Alex? Certainly, Greg.
We've asked them to bring in their
cutest thing. OK? It's nice.
That is nice. So it's up to you,
Greg - Greg Davies - to judge
which of their things is the cutest.
The person who has brought in the
cutest thing will gain 5 points.
The winner of the whole episode
will walk home with five really
cute things.
Wow, all to play for.
And I guess part of this is judging
what I personally would find cute.
Very big part of it. Oh, dear.
LAUGHTER
Lolly, hello. Hello.
What do you consider cute? I've
brought in a photo of myself. Oh.
Yeah.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
JOE: That's so cute.
Holding the rose! I just done
a show and they threw roses at me.
Even back then you were getting
standing ovations. Yeah.
Well, it is cute but it also looks
like you've been buried up to
your neck in that duvet.
OK, listen. I think it's cute.
Do you think it's cute?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Cheers.
Great start. Noel, what have you
brought in that's cute?
I thought what would be great is if
you could make anything cute. Wow.
So I've got a plate of cute
sort of googly eyes. Look.
LAUGHTER
Right. I'm gonna say
that plate isn't cute.
No, but take something quite violent
like a weapon and make it cute.
Look - hammer.
LAUGHTER
Who would mind having their head
stoved in by that? Exactly!
It genuinely works, doesn't it?
It's really cute.
Joe, you're up against it here.
Two very cute things.
I have a picture of my favourite
creature in the whole world.
It's Bertie the dog.
AUDIENCE: Awww!
We go on tour together sometimes and
in Bristol they were
a bit nervous about him
coming to the show,
and I was explaining to them,
"Thank you for letting him in,
"he's really well behaved."
And looked behind me and he was
taking a shit in the auditorium.
LAUGHTER
But, seemingly, he was punished by
having his back half removed.
LAUGHTER
Difficult to poop when you haven't
got the apparatus.
Dear me. No-one has put
a foot wrong so far.
Let's see if that's about to change.
Hugh. Yeah.
Well, it will be, cos the history of
this is that I have come last
in every single prize task.
Oh, for sure, you have.
Well, you see, I have
a cute thing but it's a little toy.
We've got a picture of that on the
screen just for the audience.
Lovely little cat.
I mean, my instance reaction is,
"You've done it again, Hugh."
LAUGHTER
Have a go with that one.
TOY MEOWS
Sweet, isn't it? It's
a sort of stress reduction thing.
I find that, in
its stationary position,
and in its eyes extended position,
accompanied with the noise it makes,
to be the direct antithesis of cute.
So, perfect. My mission is complete.
Mel. I've brought in...
It's so cute!
It's a little towelling peapod
and then you unzip it and you see
the little three peas inside.
Honestly, gang, check this out.
Look!
AUDIENCE: Awww!
He doesn't like it, Mel.
What? What's wrong, Greg?
Doesn't work for me.
They've all got different characters
and different voices.
You can do different voices.
Do the voices of each of them and
I'll see if that makes it better.
SOFT, HIGH-PITCHED: "The one
on the left speaks like that."
Oh, dear!
LAUGHTER
Oh, dear!
DEEPER VOICE: "And the one in the
middle talks like that."
He's clearly having an inappropriate
relationship with that one.
OLD WOMAN'S VOICE: "And the one
on the right talks like that."
Irritating.
LAUGHTER
Do you wanna judge it?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Go on, then.
Can I be fifth and last?
Can I tell you?
You don't need to, they all know.
Lolly, there is no question that
your picture is the cutest thing.
Congratulations. Thank you so much.
Lolly Adefope first, OK.
Very, very close between Noel
and Joe, for me.
But I'm gonna give it to Joe.
Do you know why?
Cos that dog's been sawn in half and
it needs some help. OK.
Very close third place.
Sorry, don't give a shit a
bout the peas in the pod.
GRUFF VOICE: "They can
fucking deal with it."
LAUGHTER
Can I just confirm who's in
last place?
Let's not bother,
let's just crack on. OK, fine.
Very good, we're off, what's next?
It's the first big task. It's the
slippiest of the tasks. Ooh! Ready?
Hello. Hello, Hugh.
Very well sealed, that one.
"Slide the furthest."
"You have 20 minutes and one
attempt. Your time starts now."
Holy mackerel.
SHE LAUGHS
Slide the furthest? I need to be
higher, don't I, in order to...
No, not necessarily,
I just need trajectory.
All right. Shed.
One slide?
And it's the furthest wins?
OK.
A slide is basically...
It's action without friction.
Sounds like a slogan.
Yeah! I like that.
I want to focus on action
without friction.
Not my understanding of a slide.
Really?
Well, if there was
no friction you'd carry on forever.
The only place you can slide with
no friction is space.
Oh, we should have gone to space!
LAUGHTER
Who are we gonna see first doing
action with some friction?
We saw Joe using technical terms
like "trajectory" and "higher..."
LAUGHTER
So I thought we'd start with Joe
and Lolly, if that's all right.
"Jo-lly."
Butter? Butter.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
It's all about the, er...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
This is nice. Is it?
It's lovely. Looks nice.
I'm ready.
We're gonna hold that there. We're
not gonna show what they've done
till the end of the task.
Oh, right.
But instead we're gonna start with
Hugh who is exactly the same
age as Joe and Lolly combined.
LAUGHTER
Get your rope.
My rope.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Two metres, Hugh.
HE EXHALES
A full 18 metres 90,
which is the length of
a scale model of the Titanic.
LAUGHTER
Not bad! Thank you.
Who shall we see? Well...
Noel. Yeah. Noel. Noel.
Just see if this works,
in principle.
I'd say this is sliding.
I don't think I'm using that.
Going from up here.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
14 metres.
You've got 4 minutes left.
You're still sliding, are you? Yeah.
That's another 14 metres.
I'm out. You're out? Yeah.
Always cool.
It certainly looked cool.
Real dignity. Mm.
Some controversy with this one. The
rules were "you have one attempt."
You could test out the slide but
you have one attempt.
Why didn't you stop me, then,
you dick?
LAUGHTER
I mean, it's a very good question.
It was absolutely exhausting.
At the time, you thought it was one
sliding session. Yeah.
But you weren't taking readings.
No, I would be angry with him as
well but it's just one slide,
so whichever of the longest of the
slides will have to count.
We got 14 metres and 19 metres.
We still haven't seen how these guys
have got on on their three metres
of tarpaulin. Do we need to?
I'm pretty sure that Lolly will have
crashed through the gates,
grabbed hold of the bumper of
a car and done five or six miles.
We'll have a look after the break.
Right, time for an advert or two.
See you in a short while.
Welcome back to good old Taskmaster.
It's part two and we've been
watching
a sliding scale of comedians.
You're right.
We've watched Hugh tugging himself
an impressive length.
LAUGHTER
And then Noel had
a whole sliding session.
We're saving Joe and Lolly
to the end,
so it's just Mrs Giedroyc -
Mrs Sledge-royc! Yeah.
Zip me up, love.
This is absolutely brilliant.
Action without friction, guys.
This is what we're aiming for.
Let's do it.
This feels excellent.
This feels absolutely marvellous.
Keep it going, team. Use the hill.
Now we're back on grass.
Keep going, round the corner,
if you can. Back up the hill.
You've got two minutes left.
Oh, my God. Guys,
you're doing amazing work.
Stay on the grass.
You are incredible.
That's the end of the time.
Oh, my God. I think that's the most
fun I've had sliding.
Action without friction.
Ironically, if you'd brought
a picture of that in,
of you cocooned up in that,
you'd have taken round one as well.
CUTE VOICE: "Did you like me as
a little caterpillar?" I did.
LAUGHTER
She slid 56.5 metres.
Well over a metre.
56.5 metres.
You'd think she had this in the bag
but she's yet to face
a man who's rubbed butter
and cream onto himself.
And a woman who thinks she's gonna
be able to slide on concrete.
Are you ready? Yeah! Here we go.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I'll go to your fingertips.
It's not far.
I missed it.
If Lolly had worn
a wool suit and fallen onto Velcro,
would she have slid...
The same. The same amount.
LAUGHTER
Lolly slid 3.2 metres.
That's the same height as
Kylie Minogue standing on a horse.
LAUGHTER
Joe - 5 metres 80.
Vince Vaughn on Owen Wilson on
Ben Stiller on an unlit barbecue.
LAUGHTER
But there's a clear winner
and that is Mel!
CHEERING
How's the scoreboard looking now,
Alex? It couldn't be much closer.
Hugh is trailing but only by 1 and
then three people in second place.
Mel in first place on 7 points.
Brilliant!
CHEERING
Do you think the next task might be
something to rekindle our
relationship with Europe?
I believe it can.
And if we all believe, then believe
me - here's the next task.
RINGING
Hello. Hi, Lolly.
How exciting.
Is that an actual person.
Hello.
Who's that?
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Hello. Hello.
SHE MOUTHS
Hello. Hello.
I don't do this.
Filming yourself.
Doesn't appear to be a task here.
Oh, that's... Oh, good.
"Maintaining constant eye contact
and making continuous small talk..."
"..with this Swedish person..."
"..put on the wetsuit, flippers,
facemask and snorkel."
Where even are those things?
"Your head may not leave the Swedish
person's frame at any point."
"You may not move the laptop from
its current position. Fastest wins."
"Your time..." I'm taking my shoes
off. "Your time starts when..."
"..when the Swedish person
smiles at you."
I don't know....
I don't know where it is.
LAUGHTER
Different approach to webcam chats.
You were very uncomfortable with it,
Mel.
I don't do that thing where you look
at someone on the screen and chat.
You think it's a bit smutty?
It's just the idea of somehow
it being in your own home.
It's all a bit private.
Is that what you call it?
LAUGHTER
So they had to put on a wetsuit
while making small talk with
a Swede. Yeah. We're gonna dock you
five seconds every time you break
eye contact. Ooh.
And also there's a bonus point
for whoever puts on the wetsuit
best, cos there was some struggle.
We're gonna start off with Mel
and Joe. Here we go.
Aw, so sweet! OK, right.
Constant eye contact, please.
Sorry, constant eye contact.
That's a smile, innit? I gotta
start. He... What's your name?
Fred.
So, um, what do you tend to
do for Christmas? Visit my parents.
What kind of line of work
are you in?
A painter/decorator and a musician.
A painter/decorator and a musician?
That's a niche couple of things.
Mm-hm. I've never actually done a
thing where you film yourself into
a computer. Oh, God, sorry,
I've just looked down.
I was looking for my zip.
To do up!
I like you. Are you single?
Yeah.
Do you like to cook Swedish food?
No, I think it's quite boring.
Really?
What are you looking for
in a relationship?
Good question.
That's probably why I'm single.
Ah, no.
What's your favourite,
er, type of quiche?
Quiche?
You look great. It's...
SHE LAUGHS
Eye contact, please, Joe.
And how long have you been single?
Two years. Oh, my God.
I think things are gonna be all
right for you, though. Thanks, man.
I've gotta put the snorkel in,
so tatty-bye, my love.
Great to talk.
WHISTLE BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I don't think it's disrespectful to
suggest that if Fred did have
inappropriate thoughts,
as soon as the mask went on...
maybe his desire left him.
I thought they both did very well.
Yes.
Joe genuinely flirting with Fred.
Unbelievable.
I think he's very handsome.
He was nice, wasn't he? He's
single. Did you get his number?
No, I didn't. The problem was you
started with small talk,
with the quiche chat, you asked him
what his favourite yoghurt was.
That's incredible small talk.
Started with small talk,
drifted into big talk. Big talk!
He said, "Are you single? I think
you'll be OK, I believe in you."
That's not small talk.
I'm obviously going in with the
wrong chats on Tinder, aren't I?
Definitely. If you're gonna go in
with existential stuff you're
gonna remain single.
"What's your favourite yoghurt?
How do you feel about death?"
LAUGHTER
He was quick, though. 4 minutes 22
to put the entire wetsuit on.
Whereas 6 minutes 4 to put on
sort of half a wetsuit.
Let's see if Hugh and Lolly managed
to charm the Swede. Here we go.
Is that a smile?
I don't think that is a smile.
That's a kind of a mad,
crazed killer sort of look.
And what do you do? I'm a musician
and a decorator. Oh, cool.
What kind of music do you play?
Bit of everything.
You're back. Hello. I'm maintaining
eye contact with you.
What's your favourite
colour to paint?
Blue.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Do you go to IKEA a lot?
Not really, no.
Eye contact, please, Hugh.
What did you last paint blue?
A kitchen. Lovely.
I am wearing this now, so...
HE MUMBLES
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
We're talking about the definition
of small talk and perhaps Joe
jazzed it up a little bit too much.
Is "What was the last thing
you painted blue?"
going too far the other way?
Tiny talk. Tiny talk. Tiny talk.
They were both quick.
3 minutes 45 by Hugh,
4 minutes 10... How much of the
wetsuit did Hugh actually have on?
All of it. Haaaalf?
Half? Sorry. Haaalf?
I'm not sure that was on the task.
It said just put the wetsuit on.
It did. So it doesn't mean put it
on, it just meant have it on.
LAUGHTER
Just Noel's attempt left to see.
But not until we've gorged on
advertising. See you after that.
You've returned to the third part
of Taskmaster where we're
trying to maintain a healthy
relationship with Europe by
video calling our old pal
Fred in Sweden. Too right, Greg!
We've already seen four of our
comics struggle to maintain
eye contact with a digital Fred
while donning diving gear.
The only attempt left to see is that
of the comedian Noel Fielding.
Hey, how are you? Good. How are you?
Are you really Swedish? Yeah.
You're pretty blonde.
I'm quite blonde as well
but I dye my hair black.
It's important for me to maintain
a sort of Goth sort of situation.
Otherwise I don't get any work.
Oh, OK, yeah.
When it said put these things on,
can I just not put them on my head?
In a pile. I might wear them like
an elaborate headpiece.
There you go, on the head.
It's nice talking to you,
I hope we can stay in touch. Yeah.
I don't think we will, though,
will we? Probably not.
All right, I'll see you later.
Yeah, see you. Bye.
APPLAUSE
What you just said on the video was,
"Realistically, I don't think we're
gonna stay in touch."
And I was gonna give you
a point for that honesty.
And that's the only point you're
gonna get out of this round,
believe me. Happy? Yeah. OK,
it's quite a complicated one.
We have to use a graph system,
I'm afraid.
So this is how they did before
the penalty points for eye
contact breakage.
So it's whoever is lowest
has done the best.
So Noel was very quick but you've
disqualified him, unfortunately.
Hugh, you're fastest at this point
but when we adjust the scores
it ends up looking like this.
So, actually, it's Lolly then Joe
then Hugh and then Mel. OK?
Yay!
Noel's also getting 1 point
for the small talk.
And a bonus point for Joe for
putting the wetsuit on fully.
He was the only one who wore
the wetsuit. There you go.
Onwards. Here's a sort of team task.
That's a bit worrying.
Oh, look, look!
"Please whisper this task to Alex."
Through the cans, please, Lolly.
Thank you, Lolly!
Joe, could you read your task,
please?
Noel, could you read your one,
please?
Thank you, Noel.
What I like about that is that,
much like my good self,
Hugh was not at all baffled by the
cans because when we were
children they were actual toys.
I'm not sure everybody fully
understands the task.
No, I do, though. It's whoever
accomplishes the tasks best.
It's a team task. Whichever team
does the best gets the points.
Oh, it's that straightforward?
That straightforward.
Do you wanna see how the most-loved
double act in TV got on?
Mel and Hugh, here we go.
What are you doing? Really? What?
Oh, no, Hugh, no, no.
Hugh, what's going on?
I've gotta put as many things
in the bathtub as possible.
And you've got to cover it
with cling film. Oh, my God.
I'm gonna have to leave him
a little space.
Oh, hang on. That's good.
This is so hard!
This is really hard.
Have we got to cover it or we
don't get anything?
We've gotta cover the surface.
With cling film? With cling film.
You go over there, you roll it back.
OK. OK? Now, keep rolling,
keep rolling.
Yeah. Cold feet here, Hugh.
His feet are cold.
Quick, quick, quick!
Just this bit. No, no, no, no!
Looking good. Looking very strong.
That's not bad.
Come on, Hugh.
You cling filming Alex's feet is,
again, far cuter than peas in a pod.
What I thought was delightful about
the whole thing is no-one
told you this was a team task
but you just worked together.
You worked out very quickly that you
both had different tasks to do.
Hugh, so chivalrous, "I'm gonna
start cling filming as well."
I've nothing negative to say
about that. Aw!
That was just two people helping
each other but I don't
understand why...
HE SOBS
LAUGHTER
Just think everything will be
a little bit better.
See, I refuse to accept that the
slightly younger generation
can't do exactly the same,
that they can't work together.
Here we go.
Everyone ready?
Are we all working together?
WHISTLE
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
No idea what we're creating here.
No, I don't like you.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I can't get it out!
I think I got the easy part.
How's it going, Noel?
All right, yeah, I think so.
Not sure if I read my task properly.
You did.
Fucking cling film!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
40 seconds left, Lolly.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Can you step away from the bath,
please?
Thanks, guys. Great teamwork.
We should have told each
other our tasks.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
What have you got to say for
yourselves?
I mean, at least Noel...
There was a slight nod from Noel
at the beginning.
"Is this a team task?"
And then he just stood there,
pissing water into
a bath while Rome burned.
LAUGHTER
I've got another question.
What's with the table?
She put a giant table in
about five times.
I thought the table would stop the
cling film from ruining my journey.
Your journey!
They did put 39 things in.
Mainly stones and a wipe, one wipe.
No tables in the end.
The table was yo-yoed in and out.
I think I broke a table.
You broke two tables and there was
very little cling film. Negligible.
"N/A" I've put after the cling film.
Post-nuclear apocalypse. Horrible.
Noel put quite a bit of water in but
the table dislodged the plug,
so most of the water came out.
You gonna mark it? Yeah.
OK, how many points are the
oldsters getting?
The oldsters get the full points.
The full 5 points. And nothing
for these? Not even Water Man?
Of course not. Zero.
OK, so 5-0. There we go, that's it.
DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE
Alex, hit me with the next task.
OK, I will. Get ready. Go!
Nice.
Oh!
Duck! Ha.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
It's my duck friend.
I love this duck.
"Throw something into something."
"Most unbelievable throw wins."
"You've ten minutes to plan
your throw."
"Then ten minutes to pull it off.
Your time starts now." OK.
Just gonna pop to the shed. OK.
Feels like the right thing to do.
So you're hoping for something
impressive.
I think that's the key word
here - "impressive."
And you're hoping for one of those
videos that you see of
somebody just tossing
a basketball into the bin.
That the kids all watch online.
Mm. Yeah. OK.
We'll have a look at three
of them as one. Joe, Lolly and Hugh.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Your ten minutes start...now.
Ooh. That was close, that one.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
I can do this. I believe in myself.
Oh!
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Oh! That was so close!
WHISTLE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Big dog in the house!
I think the proof in the pudding
with these internet videos is
whether you can imagine people
chatting next to the water cooler
on a Monday morning about them.
So perhaps we could role
play some of them.
OK. You just be standing by the
water cooler. OK.
Have you seen that video?
Which video?
The one of guy throwing a nut into
the small end of a traffic cone,
that he is seated
relatively close to.
You try and do it, you bell-end.
LAUGHTER
What job do we do in the role play?
In the office?
Just need to get into the role more.
Erm...we work in...export. OK!
LAUGHTER
We export meat.
Meat? Oh! Oh, lovely old shipment
of meat just went out.
I tell you what, though, you haven't
seen that video where a woman
inexplicably sits on
a tennis umpire's chair and throws
handfuls of sweets at
a man seated on the ground with
a cup of tea in his hand, have you?
No, very busy with my meat.
Have you got one more
video to tempt me?
I did see this amazing video
of a man... How old?
Oh, realistically, mid-80s.
LAUGHTER
..who is attempting to make us
believe he'd thrown toast into
a toaster which is on a roof.
On a roof? No reason for that!
It's on a roof. But he forgot to
take away the previous attempts.
So if it had gone in it wouldn't
have looked impressive cos
we've all seen how many times
he's tried it.
Have you seen that video?
Yeah, I like that one.
Right, let's get these pigs
to France.
Can I just say something
against myself,
which I hadn't realised until I
watched that video -
why am I throwing toast that's
already been toasted?
LAUGHTER
Right. Ad time. Join us soon for the
final part of the show,
and a live task. Bye for now!
Hi, there.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's the final quarter of
tonight's show and there's
a bunch of cute prizes to be won.
Alex is about to remind us what was
happening before the break,
weren't you, Alex? Hello!
Hi, Greg. Thanks for that and good
evening to our viewers everywhere.
We've been doing a lot of throwing.
We've just got Noel and Mel left to
go and we're gonna start with
Noel impressively throwing
something into something.
GLASS SMASHES
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
APPLAUSE
DUCK SQUEAKS
Did you see that video?
LAUGHTER
He did throw something into
something.
Yeah, he successfully threw
a tennis ball into a caravan.
It's really hard to catch that on
a tennis racket.
Then, at the last minute, aah...
Such a shame. Mm. But I enjoyed
the ball going into the caravan.
Yeah, that's all you wanted.
Yeah, yeah. It's enough for me.
Back to it.
LAUGHTER
You prepare the meat, don't you?
Yeah.
This stuff's going to Japan.
Well, there is one more to distract
you. Do you wanna see Mel? Oh, yeah.
OK. Have a look at this.
I used to love it on The A-Team when
there would be a moving vehicle
and people would run along
and jump into the vehicle.
That's throwable.
Where are you?
Go, Alex.
Here we go, there's the car.
Yes!
Did we do it?
Is he still in there?
Come on.
Did you see that woman throw half
a man into a slow moving car?
Do you want to judge them? OK.
It's difficult to know what the
worst is but I think was
throwing M&M's at you.
Skittles. Oh. Oh, God.
Lolly's first.
Yes. Lolly's last.
Er...
Nut boy is a very close fourth.
OK, even though he got it in?
Even though he got into a small
hole, it was fucking rubbish.
Obviously, the bread maniac.
The caravan, I like the ambition
so I'm gonna put him in second.
And the corpse into the moving car
takes first place. OK.
What's the scoreboard like
at the moment?
I'll tell you the scoreboard,
if you want. It's still...
not anyone's game but Hugh and Mel
are at the top
of the league table. Here we go.
APPLAUSE
OK, it's time to stretch those legs.
Please make your way up to the stage
for the final task of the show!
Hello. Hello, Greg. Hello, Greg.
Would you please ask Hugh to read
out the task? Hello, Hugh.
Oh, hi. Hello.
You all right, Hugh?
Thursday!
LAUGHTER
Right, the task is,
"Make the longest,
continuous...noise.
"There will also be
a bonus point for the best noise."
Wow. If you four could all put on
your earphones and eye masks.
And the reason that you're
blindfolded and having the
headphones is so that you can't
copy other people's cool noises.
Oh, shall we put them on now? Yeah.
What, so long noise?
Long, continuous noise, yes.
If you could stand up in front
of your chair.
Continuous, and don't forget there's
a bonus point for the best noise.
WHISTLE
HE MAKES A GRUMBLING NOISE
HE LAUGHS
He made me laugh!
APPLAUSE
Not fair! He made me laugh!
OK, Mel.
There's still a good chance you're
gonna get that extra bonus point.
Is my mascara a bit...?
Yes, it is a bit. OK, that's fine.
Alice Cooper!
It really has masked it. Let's go.
WHISTLE
SHE MAKES A SLOW GURGLING NOISE
Ah! There was a slight pause.
A slight break...
APPLAUSE
Say what you want about Alex,
he's on pauses like a fucking puma.
Thank you.
If you can just stand there, Lolly.
That music is horrible.
By the Horne Section, OK, so...
LAUGHTER
On the whistle. Good luck.
I have asthma. Me too. Ready?
LAUGHTER
Love the stance.
WHISTLE
SHE MAKES A MOANING NOISE
VOLUME DECREASES
APPLAUSE
WHISTLE
If only you finished that with
a full vomit onto the stage.
Your turn!
No reaction whatsoever to you
kissing him.
On the whistle, please, Joe.
WHISTLE
CONTINUOUS: Ahhhhhh...
VOICE FALTERS BUT CONTINUES FAINTLY
WHISTLE
Wow! Wow!
Your turn.
My feeling is Hugh's totally
forgotten where he is.
I don't even know whether
this'll work. Right, OK.
LAUGHTER
Are you sure you got the task right?
LAUGHTER
On the whistle.
WHISTLE
BELT WHOOSHES
It's all about the arms now.
LAUGHTER
Those muscles ain't so built up.
Keep going, mate. I like how
it's pointing at you, Greg.
So do I. Go on. Go on.
You let it go, mate.
Go on!
SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
WHISTLE
He got arrogant!
APPLAUSE
So, Greg, I will add this up
in a minute.
Do you wanna judge on the bonus
point for best noise? Yeah.
It'll come as now surprise to you
I'm giving it to old windmill there.
CHEERING
What are the scores?
Well, Noel - and you did
interfere - had 4 seconds.
Then we go up to...
I didn't mean to.
Then we go up to Mel with 14,
Lolly with 21, Hugh with 30,
but Joe got 32 seconds!
CHEERING
So what has that done
to our final scores?
Well, thanks to that bonus point it
means it's a tie. Let's have a look.
Oh, it's a tie! Tiebreak!
Oh!
What do we do in this situation?
We have a tiebreak.
Over the past few months,
our contestants took part
in some tiebreak challenges.
And in this tiebreak we've asked
them to speed eat. Oh.
Here we go. "Eat as many peas as
possible. You have one minute."
"Your time starts now."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I'm gonna funnel them.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Mm.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
WHISTLE
WHISTLE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, you certainly looked like you
got through some peas there.
Oh, yeah, definitely ate some peas.
I'm on tenterhooks. Mm.
There were 500 peas on the table.
They both ate under 200 peas.
Mel ate 174 peas in one minute.
Almost three per second.
Hugh ate 199 peas.
He's done it!
He's done it.
So the rightful winner of the cute
prizes is none other than
Hugh Dennis. Please,
go and reap your rubbish rewards!
CHEERING
That was a good one, I think.
Yes, and for the record,
you would have been my cutest thing.
Why don't you shut your dirty
mouth?! Yes, I will.
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that kids can't work
together and the planet is
gonna go up in flames,
we're all gonna burn.
Please put your hands together
for tonight's magnificent winner,
Mr Hugh Dennis!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Farewell!