Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Friendship Is Truth - full transcript
Which guest can perform the best moves on a pommel horse and other ridiculous tasks.
Oh!
Mwah!
Hello! Welcome, one and all.
I'm Greg Davies, and this is
Taskmaster.
We're approaching the halfway point
of the colossal competition to win
this incredible prize.
This - not just a trophy, it's a
life goal.
But who are the needy individuals
desperately hoping to take it home
with
them? I'll tell you.
Hugh Dennis!
Joe Lycett!
Lolly Adefope!
Mel Giedroyc!
Noel Fielding!
And look who's pulled up his little
permanent pew,
it's little Alex Horne!
Episode four, Alex.
You having a nice time?
I'm feeling very safe.
Safe? One, because I'm sat next to
you and you're very strong...
I'm a big boy. Two, because I know
I've prepared well and, three,
because I'm wearing shin pads.
So, just in case...
LAUGHTER
What is today's prize category?
Well, get ready, because today we've
asked them to bring in their most
surprising picture of themselves.
Surprising? Mmm-hmm.
So you're going to judge which is
the most surprising picture.
Whoever wins that is going to get
the first big points of the show.
Whoever wins the whole show will win
five surprising pictures to take
home. So that's brilliant. Yeah,
that's...
That's motivation, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
OK, we'll start with Joe, then.
What's your surprising picture?
It's me in a hammock without a top
on,
and my back fat is pressed through
the...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, that's great!
I mean... Do you have any more
questions, or...?
I certainly do not.
It surprised me, and it horrified
me.
That's a lovely start.
Good stuff. It's worth noting at
this point, this is show four,
the prize category, Hugh has lost
every single one.
Everything he's brought in has been
universally judged to be shit.
Let's hope that he ups his game a
little bit tonight.
It's not necessarily a surprising
photograph of me.
It is the use to which I've put it
which is surprising,
because when I'm walking down the
street I get people going "Oh, look,
there's Hugh Dennis." So what I've
started to do now in the street is
put
this on,
and nobody thinks it's me.
Because why the fuck would Hugh
Dennis be wearing...?
So the one person it can't be under
the mask is Hugh Dennis,
which means I can do my shopping in
comfort,
apart from people thinking I'm a bit
weird.
You all right?
You all right, mate?
Mel, what's
your surprising photo?
Here we are. So...
LAUGHTER
Yeah. You look like a pervert!
It's Le Dejeuner Sur L'herbe
by Manet, painted in 1862.
1862. I wish we had a picture of
Manet,
because you look quite like
Manet.
Yes, it's been said.
By you, just then.
LAUGHTER
Surprising, Greg?
It is... Do you know, I don't...
This is the thing,
it isn't that surprising to me that
Mel has put herself in that picture.
You might like to reflect on that.
Noel, what's your photo?
I thought I'd present you with one
of me as the Virgin Mary.
LAUGHTER
That's from the Boosh years,
presumably?
Yeah. Yeah. Looking a bit like Lady
Di.
Hauntingly beautiful.
Lolly? So, it's funny that you said
you looked like Lady Di,
because mine is a photo of me as
Lady Di.
Oh, that's great!
That's marvellous!
Truly... It was a political
statement
about when people black up in
movies.
And I'll tell you this, it's a
conspiracy theory about Lady Di that
we've
not heard before, isn't it? Exactly.
She was a black woman.
OK, you've got to make your mind up.
OK. I'm not putting Hugh last...
because...
Oh, God, it's so...
I think I am going to put Hugh last.
LAUGHTER
Because it's rubbish.
Absolutely rubbish.
Oh, Desky! Sorry, Desky.
Boosh, I'm not surprised that Noel's
in the Boosh.
Noel goes into fourth place.
Third... Erm...
Double denim on the painting.
It's not double denim. Single denim,
it's a boiler suit.
It's a boiler suit. Oh!
In that case, into first place you
go(!)
Second, it's old ham-back over
there. So which means first place...
In first, of course...
What wonderful news, Princess
Diana's alive.
Lolly Adefope.
Let's make some episode headway.
What's next, Alex? OK, we're going
to hopefully get high...
and wet.
HE WHISTLES
Yes, your favourite.
Hello? Oh, hang on.
Hello. Hello, Lolly.
Oh, brilliant!
That's so good.
That's sun's fucking bright.
How do you focus this thing?
No, I still can't read it.
Make... The...
Make the highest splash.
That's the most useless telescope
I've ever seen.
It makes it the same size as the
thing that's a long way away.
Make the highest splash.
You have 15 minutes and one attempt.
HE TAKES PHOTO
Before you commence the task,
you have to say who you think will
win the task.
Those who correctly guess the
winner will win an extra five
points.
Your time starts when Alex blows his
whistle.
Who do you think's going to make the
highest splash?
I think I'm going to make the
highest splash.
It's between Lolly and Hugh.
Is it? Yeah. Who do you think's
going to make the highest splash?
Me. Who did you say?
Me. Lolly Adefope? Yes.
Who do you think's going to make the
highest splash?
Mel. OK.
I'm not sure about Noel.
No.
I'd like to think it would be me.
WHISTLE
The highest splash?
15 minutes?
I don't even know what that means.
That was sad, wasn't it?
When they said, "Who is your best
friend?"
And I went "Mel." And they went "Who
is your best friend, Mel?"
And she went "not Noel." Not Noel.
He often wears things like
feathers...
Yeah. And in my mind's eye,
I saw a big old splash and a sort of
drowned feathery...
..crow. And that worried me.
I tell you who it won't be, that
twat who dresses like a crow.
You seemed pretty angry with the
telescope, Hugh?
Well, I couldn't see through it.
Yeah. And that seems to me like a
fairly fundamental purpose of a
telescope. You might be interested
to know, all of you,
that no-one ask you to look through
that telescope.
LAUGHTER
So they had one attempt each,
but they could test their splashing
equipment.
So they could have multiple practice
splashes?
Yes.
That's right. And we're going to
start with all the men.
Good luck.
I'm off to the shed.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, that will be good.
Is this making anyone feel like they
need a wee?
That went quite high.
Yes. Yes? Yes.
Yeah, I'm ready. Yeah?
Yeah. Have you...
Can I use that hammer on the string?
I've got to line it up. You ready?
Yeah.
There we are. Beautiful.
Right, watch yourselves, I've got a
bowling ball.
Good luck, Joe. Thank you.
You ready?
One attempt, Hugh.
Good luck.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Shit.
HE LAUGHS
It's beautiful just to see you
soaked.
I didn't sort of think the water was
going to come out.
Yeah, funny old game, innit?
Throwing a bowling ball into a
bucket of water.
And out it comes!
You're all going, "What was Hugh
doing?"
I tell you what he was doing, he was
doing what my dad used to do,
which was he was dropping a plumb
line for absolute accuracy.
Oh, was that what...? Which is what
all dads do before they totally miss
the fucking bucket.
Completely. I wanted to go higher
in the thing,
but I was told to stop because it
was...
You're 55.
Joe, you very cleverly raised the
bucket up, giving yourself extra
height,
as Noel did, as well.
You got to six foot two.
Splash. Oh, that's how tall I am!
It's exactly the same height as you.
Whereas Hugh got 18 inches,
which is the same height he was when
he was born.
And then I've had to go metric for
Noel, because it didn't go big
enough.
Five metres ten.
God almighty.
Sorry to stop proceedings in such a
frustrating manner,
but it's time to take a commercial
break.
See you in a whole bunch of seconds.
Welcome back.
It's good to see you again.
We are partway through a task.
Alex, could you remind us of the
current situation, please?
I can. They're trying to create the
highest splash,
and the boys had varying degrees of
wet success.
Noel's being the best degree of wet
success.
So let's see how Mel and Lolly got
on, the ladies.
I'm going to get
the ladder and hose.
Right, hosey, please. Hosey?
Hosey up the... Up the tower, as
they say.
Thanks, my darling.
Look at the height!
That is a splash!
Hang on... No, look...
This is a splash against the house.
There! That's a splash!
OK, go!
Yeah!
See that? Oh, yeah.
Here we go! There she blows!
Are we splashing the clock?
Yes! Did that get it?
Yeah! Got it?
Yeah. Yes. Halfway up the
clock, that one.
Boom!
Thank you, Mel.
Yeah!
Enough, now! Thank you.
Thank you.
Your time's up.
Oh, that felt good!
Still think Lolly's going to win?
I think this could possibly be an
all-female...
I don't want to be smug, though.
But that's... Yeah, quite pleased
with that.
That's quite high, isn't it?
Yours was high.
That was high.
I'm going to have to ask my
assistant to clarify what a splash
is.
"A splash is to cause liquid to
strike or fall on something in
irregular drops." On something.
So the splash would have to be
measured from the water hitting
something and coming off.
Officially, yes.
Right. Are you worried that Lolly
sprayed?
I think Lolly's worked out for
herself what happened.
No, no, no, no, no.
Lolly sprayed into the air
and caused a splash,
but that splash came off the ground.
In which case Lolly's was a lower
splash than Hugh's, weirdly.
Weirdly, it was, because she used
her brain, but just not enough.
Can I ask a more fundamental
question?
You wouldn't let me climb any higher
up that tower,
but you're very happy to let Mel
spray a hosepipe of water near an
electrical power line?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Mel sprayed the clock, are we happy
with that?
Or splashed the clock? Yeah, of
course,
because the splash came off a high
surface.
So she splashed the clock. Three
o'clock on the clock was four metres
50,
so not as high as Noel's metric
five-ten.
Oh. What?!
Did the crow win?! He wins,
literally and morally.
HE CAWS
For the crow!
Alex, just summarise the final
scores for that round.
Well, just to say the three people
who voted for themselves did worst,
so it was Lolly in fifth, I'm
afraid, then in fourth Hugh, Joe
third,
Mel second and the crow!
The crow!
What's the scoreboard? Well, it's
very tight, except for Hugh.
There are...
There are three leaders and Lolly's
just behind them.
It looks like this. Joe, Mel and
Noel on seven.
Look at that. Tight.
I think I'm ready for another task.
Oh, sorry. I think my...
PHONE RINGS
Yes. Apparently this means...
Yes, it's time to dance, Greg!
That's a green screen.
Hello. Hi, Lolly.
My old friend, green screen.
Like a big snooker table.
Is it? Mmm-hmm.
Is that the...?
Oh, brilliant.
Choreograph a dance for you and Alex
to perform to any of the following
ringtones. Apex, By the Seaside...
Night Owl, Playtime, Radiate,
Sencha...
Circuit, Crystals...
Uplift, Marimba, Strum...
Xylophone.
You have 30 minutes to prepare.
The most stylish dance wins.
Your time starts now.
Let's have a listen.
SEASIDE RINGTONE
LAUGHTER
One, two, three, let's go!
I like this.
SENCHA RINGTONE
It's cheeky, innit?
Like baby dinosaurs.
We're really going to hate this song
by the end of...
Yes.
Oh, yeah. That's more like it.
Very Mel. '96.
104.
LAUGHTER
Why did you
get on the table, mate?
LAUGHTER
Mind your own business.
LAUGHTER
How was... How was 1996 for you,
Mel?
Oh, awesome. I can barely remember
it.
It's all the old whistles,
bandannas, trance just came in.
Whistle. Just thought I'd blow the
whistle.
Bring it all back. Was it like that?
Oh, yes! Sorry, I thought you were
just stopping me talking!
If only we'd known it was that
easy, Mel.
Do you want to see her
raving?
We can start with that?
Yeah, let's see her raving.
There is an unfortunate amount of my
flesh in this one.
Near the end. Oh, is this...?
Is this our dance?
Yes, what did you...?
LAUGHTER
What did you think it was?
It wasn't the other thing we did.
So this is Mel's dance.
BOTH: Is this Sencha?
RADIATE RINGTONE PLAYS
BOTH: Yes, this is what Sencha is.
CHEERING
Incredible.
What we were looking for, I think
Alex will agree with me,
is the beauty of Sencha contrasting
the gritty urban landscape
of mid-90s pre-rave Britain.
Oh, yeah?
The only problem was it wasn't
Sencha, it was Radiate.
But apart from that... Oh, was it?!
Yeah.
We read the CD wrong.
But... Yeah.
There were two back alleys in that
video.
Do you want to have a look at Alex's
back alley?
LAUGHTER
I like to imagine that in his back
alley, there was a tiny Mel and Alex
dancing. We're going to listen to
some Sencha now.
That would be nice, wouldn't it?
Easily done, innit?
Noel Fielding chose Sencha, and
this is his dance.
SENCHA RINGTONE PLAYS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Talk us through it.
I wanted to capture the cheekiness
of the music,
hence the little shrew move.
Oh, it was a shrew?
It was more of a stoat when Alex did
it. I did my best, did my best.
But that's OK. I'm not sure why we
were in Covent Garden at some point.
I don't remember requesting that!
"I'd like to be a little shrew...
"in Covent Garden."
And just like that, it's the end of
part two.
See you shortly.
Hello, and thanks for returning to
Taskmaster.
Before the break, five comedians
were choreographing dances to
ringtones.
Next, Alex? Two of them picked the
same ringtone,
so we've edited their dances
together, and their names.
They are Joe Adefope and Lolly
Lycett.
Ready?
Argh!
Alex!
It's OK, though, because friendship
is truth and I believe in you all
the way.
A really moving narrative in
yours, I thought.
When you made that little mistake,
I thought that that was a genuine
mistake, but it was part of your
choreography.
And I said "Friendship is truth, and
I believe in you all the way."
OK. What do you mean, "friendship is
truth?"
Erm, sort of friendship is truth,
truth is friendship.
Yeah. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Now I see.
Joe, was there a message you were
hoping to convey?
It looked to me like it was a couple
of guys bouncing around and then a
plane flying down.
LAUGHTER
Yes, that's what it looked like...
What I was trying to convey with it
is that friendship is truth.
LAUGHTER
So that only leaves Hugh.
Here's what happened.
UPLIFT TONE PLAYS
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We all have a laugh on this show,
and it's supposed to be a
light-hearted thing.
But I also know that when you put
an effort into something,
especially putting yourself
out there creatively,
one has to deal with it sensitively.
However...
LAUGHTER
..on this occasion,
horse shit.
LAUGHTER
Oh, no!
Bang, smashing into last place.
I stuck Joe in fourth place just
because of the absolute nonsense
that
Lolly tried to spin about friendship
being truth.
I just felt like at least she'd made
an effort.
I cannot split the two works of art
that I saw there,
that's going to be a joint first.
So it's a joint first.
It's your call.
Let's go.
Right. Next task.
Yes. So this one involves loo roll,
or toilet paper, but never loo
paper.
Here we go. Oh, God.
Oh, look. A T and an M made out of
toilet roll.
I like it. Thank you. It's a
powerful image.
Excellent.
Create a portrait of a
celebrity...
using loo roll.
There is a camera above your head.
The mat beneath your feet is your
canvas.
Best portrait wins, you have 20
minutes.
Hmm.
Your time starts very much now.
So, it's like a big art attack.
Are you an artistic person, Joe?
Well, in some ways, but I've never
used this as a tool before.
So I guess choose a celebrity, first
of all.
OK. I've got to think about that for
a minute.
I'm trying to think of somebody
who's got noticeable features...
..that would be easy to do
in loo roll.
WHISTLE
Done.
Thank you. You pleased?
I think so. I reckon it's going to
be quite accurate.
OK. Are you an artistic sort of man?
No.
Shall
we look at Lolly's first?
Yes, please. OK. You can try to work
out who that is.
LAUGHTER
If I hadn't seen the bubble,
Gandhi.
LAUGHTER
But you're ruling out Gandhi
because of the bubble?
What is that? It says 'accio'.
'Accio'. I'm not 100% sure but I
presume that's something from the
repugnant Harry Potter.
Yeah. It's a nice picture.
I'm not sure how much it looks like
Harry Potter, but...
You can see Hugh Dennis if you want.
Yes, please. His picture, you can
guess again who it is.
Oh, that's good. Oh!
The first thing I will say is it's
nice something to say something
positive to Hugh. Thanks.
That is a beautiful picture.
It's lovely. Depending on who it is,
you, my friend, could be back in the
game here.
I think it's Hugh Grant.
Well, the clue is you left the room
and you came back with a £5 note.
It's the Queen. It is weirdly the
Queen.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That's good.
She looks like a man.
Amazing you how quickly you can pull
defeat from the jaws of victory.
Who's next?
Noel.
Wow! I think that's a self-portrait
of Noel Fielding.
Really wonderful
picture, I love it.
Joe Lycett did this with his loo
rolls.
Ready, Greg? Yeah, let's have a
look. Oh!
There's a clue there for you, Greg.
Is it Pam?
Pam-ela Anderson.
No, no.
I know who it is. It's Pat.
It's the actress who plays Pat
Butcher, it's Pam St Clement.
It is Pam St Clement.
Yeah, well recognised.
APPLAUSE
This is Mel's attempt.
It's not good.
OK. Tough, tough guess, this.
John Lennon. No.
Is it God?
Nope.
Do you want to try godson, Jesus?
Yeah. No.
It's...can you remember?
Kris Kristofferson.
No, it's Barry Gibb.
It's Barry Gibb, you said.
LAUGHTER
It was Kris Kristofferson!
It was Kris Kristofferson! Do you
want to see all five together?
I think Hugh's would be a clear
winner
if it looked anything like
the Queen.
If it even looked female.
LAUGHTER
I'm going to put that third.
I'm going to put Noel in first
place, Pam St Clement in second,
and I'm tying Gandhi and Barry Gibb/
Kris Kristofferson in last place.
There we go. Unbelievable.
So, the winner was Noel Fielding.
Let's crack on. What's next, Alex?
Right. It's like gymnastics
but with a task.
Don't worry, but it's gym-task-tics.
Oh!
Do you call this...
jumping...horse?
Yes, that's a jumping horse.
Jumping Jack? Cos they do that
thing, don't they?
Moscow, 1980.
Very strong on the old...
Is this a pole? No, it's not a pole
vault, it's a horse.
Do the most incredible thing with
this pommel horse.
You have ten minutes.
Your time starts when you next
blink.
LAUGHTER
No, you didn't, no.
When you next blink.
What if I never blink?
Oh! Imagine if I did this for four
hours.
I'm a snake, I've got see-through
eyelids.
Arggh!
OK. Is that a blink?
OK.
I think I blinked. Yeah, there was a
little one there.
I'm going to... Oh, we're off.
Yeah, OK.
Your time starts when you
next blink.
Oh, you blinked immediately, Mel.
Did I? OK, ten minutes to go.
So, what were we asking for again?
Just remind me. Something incredible
involving the pommel horse.
Incredible. We're going to start out
with the athletes, Hugh and Lolly.
There you are. Um...
Oof!
LAUGHTER
Happy with that one? I just
really like doing that.
I'll carry on doing that as long
as you want.
Well, we've got two more minutes if
you want...
Oh, yeah. I'd love a go.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
Um...
Uh...
LAUGHTER
I thought I'd go for a smaller one
there.
I'm done. OK.
I did think that was incredible.
I did think... 11 leaps in ten
minutes.
But I didn't manage to stand up.
Because the... If I'd done it
straight onto the concrete...
But they wouldn't let me because of
a "health and safety issue"!
Lolly. Yeah.
Just to put it in context, she
watched a video
of the London 2012 Olympics
gymnastics before what she did.
You genuinely did that?
OK.
Let me put forward a hypothesis.
If you'd have come out and just
stood by the pommel horse and done
nothing, that would have been more
incredible.
LAUGHTER
Joe took a very different approach.
Did he? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
What's that?
A tennis racket.
What's it meant to be?
No idea.
Oh, yes.
Big old horse D.
OK. That's finished, actually.
What it is, is it's a piece of
modern art.
It's a very sad scene.
This horse was ridden here by an
elderly gentleman who's gone to
collect
something, forgotten to take the
Zimmer and has died.
It's a great allegory for our age.
Shall I go now?
I suppose so.
Why's the horse wearing wellies?
Because it's wet out, isn't it?
OK.
LAUGHTER
I was really moved by the story of
the old guy.
Hmm. It's a very moving story.
I think on reflection that
the sadness inherent in that story
was slightly diluted by the weird
pommel horse wellie-wearing,
tennis-racquet dick cone horse.
I think, if anything, that adds
to the beauty.
How so?
I think if I put it into words, then
the beauty will be diminished.
LAUGHTER
Sadly, it's time to say goodbye to
part three.
It's all about part four now.
We'll see you there in a minute.
Welcome back to part four.
What's going on then?
Well, they were trying to do
something incredible with a pommel
horse.
Hmm. Lolly and Hugh went for the
classic athletic approach.
Joe did something...else.
We're now going to have a look at,
I'm going for this,
Pom-Mel Giedroyc.
Oh, I like it! It's a little pun.
What a waste of everyone's time.
Let's go.
APPLAUSE
Where did it go?
I'm not going to say. That is some
pretty Las Vegas shit.
Oh!
Using camera trickery, you managed
to make a pommel horse disappear.
Sorry, sorry, you said the words
"camera trickery".
Yeah. Did you see the pommel horse
after that?
Did anyone see it?
No, it had gone. Did you see it in
the house?
Well, I was there. So don't ask me,
I was there.
So I saw it being moved by the
people.
You are out of the Magic Circle.
The last pommel horse performer is
Mr Noel Fielding.
LAUGHTER
The outfit was great.
Presumably a cheat through camera
trickery,
or did the people bring you on?
LAUGHTER
No, that was actually magic, that
one.
Yeah, it was really great.
Hang on, and mine wasn't?
Yeah, that one, he did that,
dressed as a Russian peasant woman
and I turned
from a pommel back into me.
You've got to judge this one. Right.
Obviously I'm putting Lolly in last
place,
that goes without saying.
Then I'm going to put horsey D and
the little Russian peasant woman
in
joint next place.
OK, joint third.
And then I'm going to put the best
performance by far
in joint first place
with a pity vote for Hugh jumping
over the pommel horse.
OK, so one point to Lolly.
Three points to Joe and Noel, and
then five points to Mel and Hugh.
Correct! OK!
APPLAUSE
Hey, Alex, what are the scores?
It's tight at the top with Mel and
Noel one point separated.
There we go.
Right. There's one more thing to do.
Please head to the stage
for the final task of the show.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's find out what the task is.
Noel, would you please read
this week's final task?
There we go, Noel. Thank you.
Make the highest tower
using these tubes.
You have 100 seconds.
Make the highest tower.
We're going to measure the tower
from the base of
the tower to the top of the tower.
Yeah. Good luck. Your time starts...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Bit of tension.
Very tense. Very tense start.
You doing all right?
Yeah, I think so.
There is still one
minute left.
From the bottom to the tip of
the tower. Yeah, yeah.
Oh!
There's 20 seconds.
Come on, Hugh!
CHEERING
There's two seconds left.
Two seconds left.
WHISTLE
Fuck.
I guess we've got three here, we've
got three with Mel.
Three length-wise high.
You've got a choice between the two
or the tower.
They're joined.
Oh!
Yeah, they're not. Now,
well, now, every atom in the...
A choice with Lolly,
so we're going for the Stonehenge
or the double horsey D.
The one that's higher.
The two, two, three.
Well, basically, Mel and Hugh have
got three, the others have got two.
There we go!
APPLAUSE
To the final scores!
Pretty impressive tower tasking.
In a way. It was probably the most
cautious task we've ever had.
It was a very cagey, cagey fight
rather than a cage fight.
But in joint third we've got Noel,
Lolly and Joe,
but the two joint winners of that
task were Hugh and Mel.
Lovely.
I'm going to tell you the series
scores.
It's the exact midpoint of the
series.
Yeah. And the scores are disparate.
Hugh at one end with Lolly, and Noel
way off in the distance,
has 78 points after four shows.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Four shows left, still all to play
for.
But you know, this is all very well.
Let's celebrate tonight's winner.
Those tubes meant that overtaking
Noel at the very last minute
was Mel Giedroyc with 24.
With her second win of the series,
the winner of five surprising
pictures,
it's Mel! Please go collect your
prize.
So, what have we learnt today?
Well, we've learned that friendship
is truth,
that some horses have a tennis
racquet instead of a big old D.
And some Russian peasant women turn
out to be Noel Fielding.
That was episode four of Taskmaster,
thanks for watching.
Well done Mel, and goodbye.
Subtitles by Ericsson
Mwah!
Hello! Welcome, one and all.
I'm Greg Davies, and this is
Taskmaster.
We're approaching the halfway point
of the colossal competition to win
this incredible prize.
This - not just a trophy, it's a
life goal.
But who are the needy individuals
desperately hoping to take it home
with
them? I'll tell you.
Hugh Dennis!
Joe Lycett!
Lolly Adefope!
Mel Giedroyc!
Noel Fielding!
And look who's pulled up his little
permanent pew,
it's little Alex Horne!
Episode four, Alex.
You having a nice time?
I'm feeling very safe.
Safe? One, because I'm sat next to
you and you're very strong...
I'm a big boy. Two, because I know
I've prepared well and, three,
because I'm wearing shin pads.
So, just in case...
LAUGHTER
What is today's prize category?
Well, get ready, because today we've
asked them to bring in their most
surprising picture of themselves.
Surprising? Mmm-hmm.
So you're going to judge which is
the most surprising picture.
Whoever wins that is going to get
the first big points of the show.
Whoever wins the whole show will win
five surprising pictures to take
home. So that's brilliant. Yeah,
that's...
That's motivation, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
OK, we'll start with Joe, then.
What's your surprising picture?
It's me in a hammock without a top
on,
and my back fat is pressed through
the...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, that's great!
I mean... Do you have any more
questions, or...?
I certainly do not.
It surprised me, and it horrified
me.
That's a lovely start.
Good stuff. It's worth noting at
this point, this is show four,
the prize category, Hugh has lost
every single one.
Everything he's brought in has been
universally judged to be shit.
Let's hope that he ups his game a
little bit tonight.
It's not necessarily a surprising
photograph of me.
It is the use to which I've put it
which is surprising,
because when I'm walking down the
street I get people going "Oh, look,
there's Hugh Dennis." So what I've
started to do now in the street is
put
this on,
and nobody thinks it's me.
Because why the fuck would Hugh
Dennis be wearing...?
So the one person it can't be under
the mask is Hugh Dennis,
which means I can do my shopping in
comfort,
apart from people thinking I'm a bit
weird.
You all right?
You all right, mate?
Mel, what's
your surprising photo?
Here we are. So...
LAUGHTER
Yeah. You look like a pervert!
It's Le Dejeuner Sur L'herbe
by Manet, painted in 1862.
1862. I wish we had a picture of
Manet,
because you look quite like
Manet.
Yes, it's been said.
By you, just then.
LAUGHTER
Surprising, Greg?
It is... Do you know, I don't...
This is the thing,
it isn't that surprising to me that
Mel has put herself in that picture.
You might like to reflect on that.
Noel, what's your photo?
I thought I'd present you with one
of me as the Virgin Mary.
LAUGHTER
That's from the Boosh years,
presumably?
Yeah. Yeah. Looking a bit like Lady
Di.
Hauntingly beautiful.
Lolly? So, it's funny that you said
you looked like Lady Di,
because mine is a photo of me as
Lady Di.
Oh, that's great!
That's marvellous!
Truly... It was a political
statement
about when people black up in
movies.
And I'll tell you this, it's a
conspiracy theory about Lady Di that
we've
not heard before, isn't it? Exactly.
She was a black woman.
OK, you've got to make your mind up.
OK. I'm not putting Hugh last...
because...
Oh, God, it's so...
I think I am going to put Hugh last.
LAUGHTER
Because it's rubbish.
Absolutely rubbish.
Oh, Desky! Sorry, Desky.
Boosh, I'm not surprised that Noel's
in the Boosh.
Noel goes into fourth place.
Third... Erm...
Double denim on the painting.
It's not double denim. Single denim,
it's a boiler suit.
It's a boiler suit. Oh!
In that case, into first place you
go(!)
Second, it's old ham-back over
there. So which means first place...
In first, of course...
What wonderful news, Princess
Diana's alive.
Lolly Adefope.
Let's make some episode headway.
What's next, Alex? OK, we're going
to hopefully get high...
and wet.
HE WHISTLES
Yes, your favourite.
Hello? Oh, hang on.
Hello. Hello, Lolly.
Oh, brilliant!
That's so good.
That's sun's fucking bright.
How do you focus this thing?
No, I still can't read it.
Make... The...
Make the highest splash.
That's the most useless telescope
I've ever seen.
It makes it the same size as the
thing that's a long way away.
Make the highest splash.
You have 15 minutes and one attempt.
HE TAKES PHOTO
Before you commence the task,
you have to say who you think will
win the task.
Those who correctly guess the
winner will win an extra five
points.
Your time starts when Alex blows his
whistle.
Who do you think's going to make the
highest splash?
I think I'm going to make the
highest splash.
It's between Lolly and Hugh.
Is it? Yeah. Who do you think's
going to make the highest splash?
Me. Who did you say?
Me. Lolly Adefope? Yes.
Who do you think's going to make the
highest splash?
Mel. OK.
I'm not sure about Noel.
No.
I'd like to think it would be me.
WHISTLE
The highest splash?
15 minutes?
I don't even know what that means.
That was sad, wasn't it?
When they said, "Who is your best
friend?"
And I went "Mel." And they went "Who
is your best friend, Mel?"
And she went "not Noel." Not Noel.
He often wears things like
feathers...
Yeah. And in my mind's eye,
I saw a big old splash and a sort of
drowned feathery...
..crow. And that worried me.
I tell you who it won't be, that
twat who dresses like a crow.
You seemed pretty angry with the
telescope, Hugh?
Well, I couldn't see through it.
Yeah. And that seems to me like a
fairly fundamental purpose of a
telescope. You might be interested
to know, all of you,
that no-one ask you to look through
that telescope.
LAUGHTER
So they had one attempt each,
but they could test their splashing
equipment.
So they could have multiple practice
splashes?
Yes.
That's right. And we're going to
start with all the men.
Good luck.
I'm off to the shed.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, that will be good.
Is this making anyone feel like they
need a wee?
That went quite high.
Yes. Yes? Yes.
Yeah, I'm ready. Yeah?
Yeah. Have you...
Can I use that hammer on the string?
I've got to line it up. You ready?
Yeah.
There we are. Beautiful.
Right, watch yourselves, I've got a
bowling ball.
Good luck, Joe. Thank you.
You ready?
One attempt, Hugh.
Good luck.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Shit.
HE LAUGHS
It's beautiful just to see you
soaked.
I didn't sort of think the water was
going to come out.
Yeah, funny old game, innit?
Throwing a bowling ball into a
bucket of water.
And out it comes!
You're all going, "What was Hugh
doing?"
I tell you what he was doing, he was
doing what my dad used to do,
which was he was dropping a plumb
line for absolute accuracy.
Oh, was that what...? Which is what
all dads do before they totally miss
the fucking bucket.
Completely. I wanted to go higher
in the thing,
but I was told to stop because it
was...
You're 55.
Joe, you very cleverly raised the
bucket up, giving yourself extra
height,
as Noel did, as well.
You got to six foot two.
Splash. Oh, that's how tall I am!
It's exactly the same height as you.
Whereas Hugh got 18 inches,
which is the same height he was when
he was born.
And then I've had to go metric for
Noel, because it didn't go big
enough.
Five metres ten.
God almighty.
Sorry to stop proceedings in such a
frustrating manner,
but it's time to take a commercial
break.
See you in a whole bunch of seconds.
Welcome back.
It's good to see you again.
We are partway through a task.
Alex, could you remind us of the
current situation, please?
I can. They're trying to create the
highest splash,
and the boys had varying degrees of
wet success.
Noel's being the best degree of wet
success.
So let's see how Mel and Lolly got
on, the ladies.
I'm going to get
the ladder and hose.
Right, hosey, please. Hosey?
Hosey up the... Up the tower, as
they say.
Thanks, my darling.
Look at the height!
That is a splash!
Hang on... No, look...
This is a splash against the house.
There! That's a splash!
OK, go!
Yeah!
See that? Oh, yeah.
Here we go! There she blows!
Are we splashing the clock?
Yes! Did that get it?
Yeah! Got it?
Yeah. Yes. Halfway up the
clock, that one.
Boom!
Thank you, Mel.
Yeah!
Enough, now! Thank you.
Thank you.
Your time's up.
Oh, that felt good!
Still think Lolly's going to win?
I think this could possibly be an
all-female...
I don't want to be smug, though.
But that's... Yeah, quite pleased
with that.
That's quite high, isn't it?
Yours was high.
That was high.
I'm going to have to ask my
assistant to clarify what a splash
is.
"A splash is to cause liquid to
strike or fall on something in
irregular drops." On something.
So the splash would have to be
measured from the water hitting
something and coming off.
Officially, yes.
Right. Are you worried that Lolly
sprayed?
I think Lolly's worked out for
herself what happened.
No, no, no, no, no.
Lolly sprayed into the air
and caused a splash,
but that splash came off the ground.
In which case Lolly's was a lower
splash than Hugh's, weirdly.
Weirdly, it was, because she used
her brain, but just not enough.
Can I ask a more fundamental
question?
You wouldn't let me climb any higher
up that tower,
but you're very happy to let Mel
spray a hosepipe of water near an
electrical power line?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Mel sprayed the clock, are we happy
with that?
Or splashed the clock? Yeah, of
course,
because the splash came off a high
surface.
So she splashed the clock. Three
o'clock on the clock was four metres
50,
so not as high as Noel's metric
five-ten.
Oh. What?!
Did the crow win?! He wins,
literally and morally.
HE CAWS
For the crow!
Alex, just summarise the final
scores for that round.
Well, just to say the three people
who voted for themselves did worst,
so it was Lolly in fifth, I'm
afraid, then in fourth Hugh, Joe
third,
Mel second and the crow!
The crow!
What's the scoreboard? Well, it's
very tight, except for Hugh.
There are...
There are three leaders and Lolly's
just behind them.
It looks like this. Joe, Mel and
Noel on seven.
Look at that. Tight.
I think I'm ready for another task.
Oh, sorry. I think my...
PHONE RINGS
Yes. Apparently this means...
Yes, it's time to dance, Greg!
That's a green screen.
Hello. Hi, Lolly.
My old friend, green screen.
Like a big snooker table.
Is it? Mmm-hmm.
Is that the...?
Oh, brilliant.
Choreograph a dance for you and Alex
to perform to any of the following
ringtones. Apex, By the Seaside...
Night Owl, Playtime, Radiate,
Sencha...
Circuit, Crystals...
Uplift, Marimba, Strum...
Xylophone.
You have 30 minutes to prepare.
The most stylish dance wins.
Your time starts now.
Let's have a listen.
SEASIDE RINGTONE
LAUGHTER
One, two, three, let's go!
I like this.
SENCHA RINGTONE
It's cheeky, innit?
Like baby dinosaurs.
We're really going to hate this song
by the end of...
Yes.
Oh, yeah. That's more like it.
Very Mel. '96.
104.
LAUGHTER
Why did you
get on the table, mate?
LAUGHTER
Mind your own business.
LAUGHTER
How was... How was 1996 for you,
Mel?
Oh, awesome. I can barely remember
it.
It's all the old whistles,
bandannas, trance just came in.
Whistle. Just thought I'd blow the
whistle.
Bring it all back. Was it like that?
Oh, yes! Sorry, I thought you were
just stopping me talking!
If only we'd known it was that
easy, Mel.
Do you want to see her
raving?
We can start with that?
Yeah, let's see her raving.
There is an unfortunate amount of my
flesh in this one.
Near the end. Oh, is this...?
Is this our dance?
Yes, what did you...?
LAUGHTER
What did you think it was?
It wasn't the other thing we did.
So this is Mel's dance.
BOTH: Is this Sencha?
RADIATE RINGTONE PLAYS
BOTH: Yes, this is what Sencha is.
CHEERING
Incredible.
What we were looking for, I think
Alex will agree with me,
is the beauty of Sencha contrasting
the gritty urban landscape
of mid-90s pre-rave Britain.
Oh, yeah?
The only problem was it wasn't
Sencha, it was Radiate.
But apart from that... Oh, was it?!
Yeah.
We read the CD wrong.
But... Yeah.
There were two back alleys in that
video.
Do you want to have a look at Alex's
back alley?
LAUGHTER
I like to imagine that in his back
alley, there was a tiny Mel and Alex
dancing. We're going to listen to
some Sencha now.
That would be nice, wouldn't it?
Easily done, innit?
Noel Fielding chose Sencha, and
this is his dance.
SENCHA RINGTONE PLAYS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Talk us through it.
I wanted to capture the cheekiness
of the music,
hence the little shrew move.
Oh, it was a shrew?
It was more of a stoat when Alex did
it. I did my best, did my best.
But that's OK. I'm not sure why we
were in Covent Garden at some point.
I don't remember requesting that!
"I'd like to be a little shrew...
"in Covent Garden."
And just like that, it's the end of
part two.
See you shortly.
Hello, and thanks for returning to
Taskmaster.
Before the break, five comedians
were choreographing dances to
ringtones.
Next, Alex? Two of them picked the
same ringtone,
so we've edited their dances
together, and their names.
They are Joe Adefope and Lolly
Lycett.
Ready?
Argh!
Alex!
It's OK, though, because friendship
is truth and I believe in you all
the way.
A really moving narrative in
yours, I thought.
When you made that little mistake,
I thought that that was a genuine
mistake, but it was part of your
choreography.
And I said "Friendship is truth, and
I believe in you all the way."
OK. What do you mean, "friendship is
truth?"
Erm, sort of friendship is truth,
truth is friendship.
Yeah. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Now I see.
Joe, was there a message you were
hoping to convey?
It looked to me like it was a couple
of guys bouncing around and then a
plane flying down.
LAUGHTER
Yes, that's what it looked like...
What I was trying to convey with it
is that friendship is truth.
LAUGHTER
So that only leaves Hugh.
Here's what happened.
UPLIFT TONE PLAYS
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We all have a laugh on this show,
and it's supposed to be a
light-hearted thing.
But I also know that when you put
an effort into something,
especially putting yourself
out there creatively,
one has to deal with it sensitively.
However...
LAUGHTER
..on this occasion,
horse shit.
LAUGHTER
Oh, no!
Bang, smashing into last place.
I stuck Joe in fourth place just
because of the absolute nonsense
that
Lolly tried to spin about friendship
being truth.
I just felt like at least she'd made
an effort.
I cannot split the two works of art
that I saw there,
that's going to be a joint first.
So it's a joint first.
It's your call.
Let's go.
Right. Next task.
Yes. So this one involves loo roll,
or toilet paper, but never loo
paper.
Here we go. Oh, God.
Oh, look. A T and an M made out of
toilet roll.
I like it. Thank you. It's a
powerful image.
Excellent.
Create a portrait of a
celebrity...
using loo roll.
There is a camera above your head.
The mat beneath your feet is your
canvas.
Best portrait wins, you have 20
minutes.
Hmm.
Your time starts very much now.
So, it's like a big art attack.
Are you an artistic person, Joe?
Well, in some ways, but I've never
used this as a tool before.
So I guess choose a celebrity, first
of all.
OK. I've got to think about that for
a minute.
I'm trying to think of somebody
who's got noticeable features...
..that would be easy to do
in loo roll.
WHISTLE
Done.
Thank you. You pleased?
I think so. I reckon it's going to
be quite accurate.
OK. Are you an artistic sort of man?
No.
Shall
we look at Lolly's first?
Yes, please. OK. You can try to work
out who that is.
LAUGHTER
If I hadn't seen the bubble,
Gandhi.
LAUGHTER
But you're ruling out Gandhi
because of the bubble?
What is that? It says 'accio'.
'Accio'. I'm not 100% sure but I
presume that's something from the
repugnant Harry Potter.
Yeah. It's a nice picture.
I'm not sure how much it looks like
Harry Potter, but...
You can see Hugh Dennis if you want.
Yes, please. His picture, you can
guess again who it is.
Oh, that's good. Oh!
The first thing I will say is it's
nice something to say something
positive to Hugh. Thanks.
That is a beautiful picture.
It's lovely. Depending on who it is,
you, my friend, could be back in the
game here.
I think it's Hugh Grant.
Well, the clue is you left the room
and you came back with a £5 note.
It's the Queen. It is weirdly the
Queen.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That's good.
She looks like a man.
Amazing you how quickly you can pull
defeat from the jaws of victory.
Who's next?
Noel.
Wow! I think that's a self-portrait
of Noel Fielding.
Really wonderful
picture, I love it.
Joe Lycett did this with his loo
rolls.
Ready, Greg? Yeah, let's have a
look. Oh!
There's a clue there for you, Greg.
Is it Pam?
Pam-ela Anderson.
No, no.
I know who it is. It's Pat.
It's the actress who plays Pat
Butcher, it's Pam St Clement.
It is Pam St Clement.
Yeah, well recognised.
APPLAUSE
This is Mel's attempt.
It's not good.
OK. Tough, tough guess, this.
John Lennon. No.
Is it God?
Nope.
Do you want to try godson, Jesus?
Yeah. No.
It's...can you remember?
Kris Kristofferson.
No, it's Barry Gibb.
It's Barry Gibb, you said.
LAUGHTER
It was Kris Kristofferson!
It was Kris Kristofferson! Do you
want to see all five together?
I think Hugh's would be a clear
winner
if it looked anything like
the Queen.
If it even looked female.
LAUGHTER
I'm going to put that third.
I'm going to put Noel in first
place, Pam St Clement in second,
and I'm tying Gandhi and Barry Gibb/
Kris Kristofferson in last place.
There we go. Unbelievable.
So, the winner was Noel Fielding.
Let's crack on. What's next, Alex?
Right. It's like gymnastics
but with a task.
Don't worry, but it's gym-task-tics.
Oh!
Do you call this...
jumping...horse?
Yes, that's a jumping horse.
Jumping Jack? Cos they do that
thing, don't they?
Moscow, 1980.
Very strong on the old...
Is this a pole? No, it's not a pole
vault, it's a horse.
Do the most incredible thing with
this pommel horse.
You have ten minutes.
Your time starts when you next
blink.
LAUGHTER
No, you didn't, no.
When you next blink.
What if I never blink?
Oh! Imagine if I did this for four
hours.
I'm a snake, I've got see-through
eyelids.
Arggh!
OK. Is that a blink?
OK.
I think I blinked. Yeah, there was a
little one there.
I'm going to... Oh, we're off.
Yeah, OK.
Your time starts when you
next blink.
Oh, you blinked immediately, Mel.
Did I? OK, ten minutes to go.
So, what were we asking for again?
Just remind me. Something incredible
involving the pommel horse.
Incredible. We're going to start out
with the athletes, Hugh and Lolly.
There you are. Um...
Oof!
LAUGHTER
Happy with that one? I just
really like doing that.
I'll carry on doing that as long
as you want.
Well, we've got two more minutes if
you want...
Oh, yeah. I'd love a go.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
Um...
Uh...
LAUGHTER
I thought I'd go for a smaller one
there.
I'm done. OK.
I did think that was incredible.
I did think... 11 leaps in ten
minutes.
But I didn't manage to stand up.
Because the... If I'd done it
straight onto the concrete...
But they wouldn't let me because of
a "health and safety issue"!
Lolly. Yeah.
Just to put it in context, she
watched a video
of the London 2012 Olympics
gymnastics before what she did.
You genuinely did that?
OK.
Let me put forward a hypothesis.
If you'd have come out and just
stood by the pommel horse and done
nothing, that would have been more
incredible.
LAUGHTER
Joe took a very different approach.
Did he? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
What's that?
A tennis racket.
What's it meant to be?
No idea.
Oh, yes.
Big old horse D.
OK. That's finished, actually.
What it is, is it's a piece of
modern art.
It's a very sad scene.
This horse was ridden here by an
elderly gentleman who's gone to
collect
something, forgotten to take the
Zimmer and has died.
It's a great allegory for our age.
Shall I go now?
I suppose so.
Why's the horse wearing wellies?
Because it's wet out, isn't it?
OK.
LAUGHTER
I was really moved by the story of
the old guy.
Hmm. It's a very moving story.
I think on reflection that
the sadness inherent in that story
was slightly diluted by the weird
pommel horse wellie-wearing,
tennis-racquet dick cone horse.
I think, if anything, that adds
to the beauty.
How so?
I think if I put it into words, then
the beauty will be diminished.
LAUGHTER
Sadly, it's time to say goodbye to
part three.
It's all about part four now.
We'll see you there in a minute.
Welcome back to part four.
What's going on then?
Well, they were trying to do
something incredible with a pommel
horse.
Hmm. Lolly and Hugh went for the
classic athletic approach.
Joe did something...else.
We're now going to have a look at,
I'm going for this,
Pom-Mel Giedroyc.
Oh, I like it! It's a little pun.
What a waste of everyone's time.
Let's go.
APPLAUSE
Where did it go?
I'm not going to say. That is some
pretty Las Vegas shit.
Oh!
Using camera trickery, you managed
to make a pommel horse disappear.
Sorry, sorry, you said the words
"camera trickery".
Yeah. Did you see the pommel horse
after that?
Did anyone see it?
No, it had gone. Did you see it in
the house?
Well, I was there. So don't ask me,
I was there.
So I saw it being moved by the
people.
You are out of the Magic Circle.
The last pommel horse performer is
Mr Noel Fielding.
LAUGHTER
The outfit was great.
Presumably a cheat through camera
trickery,
or did the people bring you on?
LAUGHTER
No, that was actually magic, that
one.
Yeah, it was really great.
Hang on, and mine wasn't?
Yeah, that one, he did that,
dressed as a Russian peasant woman
and I turned
from a pommel back into me.
You've got to judge this one. Right.
Obviously I'm putting Lolly in last
place,
that goes without saying.
Then I'm going to put horsey D and
the little Russian peasant woman
in
joint next place.
OK, joint third.
And then I'm going to put the best
performance by far
in joint first place
with a pity vote for Hugh jumping
over the pommel horse.
OK, so one point to Lolly.
Three points to Joe and Noel, and
then five points to Mel and Hugh.
Correct! OK!
APPLAUSE
Hey, Alex, what are the scores?
It's tight at the top with Mel and
Noel one point separated.
There we go.
Right. There's one more thing to do.
Please head to the stage
for the final task of the show.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's find out what the task is.
Noel, would you please read
this week's final task?
There we go, Noel. Thank you.
Make the highest tower
using these tubes.
You have 100 seconds.
Make the highest tower.
We're going to measure the tower
from the base of
the tower to the top of the tower.
Yeah. Good luck. Your time starts...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Bit of tension.
Very tense. Very tense start.
You doing all right?
Yeah, I think so.
There is still one
minute left.
From the bottom to the tip of
the tower. Yeah, yeah.
Oh!
There's 20 seconds.
Come on, Hugh!
CHEERING
There's two seconds left.
Two seconds left.
WHISTLE
Fuck.
I guess we've got three here, we've
got three with Mel.
Three length-wise high.
You've got a choice between the two
or the tower.
They're joined.
Oh!
Yeah, they're not. Now,
well, now, every atom in the...
A choice with Lolly,
so we're going for the Stonehenge
or the double horsey D.
The one that's higher.
The two, two, three.
Well, basically, Mel and Hugh have
got three, the others have got two.
There we go!
APPLAUSE
To the final scores!
Pretty impressive tower tasking.
In a way. It was probably the most
cautious task we've ever had.
It was a very cagey, cagey fight
rather than a cage fight.
But in joint third we've got Noel,
Lolly and Joe,
but the two joint winners of that
task were Hugh and Mel.
Lovely.
I'm going to tell you the series
scores.
It's the exact midpoint of the
series.
Yeah. And the scores are disparate.
Hugh at one end with Lolly, and Noel
way off in the distance,
has 78 points after four shows.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Four shows left, still all to play
for.
But you know, this is all very well.
Let's celebrate tonight's winner.
Those tubes meant that overtaking
Noel at the very last minute
was Mel Giedroyc with 24.
With her second win of the series,
the winner of five surprising
pictures,
it's Mel! Please go collect your
prize.
So, what have we learnt today?
Well, we've learned that friendship
is truth,
that some horses have a tennis
racquet instead of a big old D.
And some Russian peasant women turn
out to be Noel Fielding.
That was episode four of Taskmaster,
thanks for watching.
Well done Mel, and goodbye.
Subtitles by Ericsson