Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Hollowing Out a Baguette - full transcript
Taskmaster Greg Davies tries to spot the five camouflaged comedians before they try to herd dogs and chickens. They also have to re-home a fish and create a trailer for Taskmaster: The Movie.
Oh!
HE LAUGHS
Mwah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! I'm Greg Davies, and this is
Taskmaster.
As we venture deeper into the
series, the competition to win this,
the most aesthetically-rewarding
statue in television,
continues to grow in intensity.
There are five comedians lurking in
the shadows ready to prove
their worth
and become the series champion.
Let's hear their names now.
They are...
Hugh Dennis...
Joe Lycett...
Lolly Adefope...
Mel Giedroyc...
and Noel Fielding!
And ever present is my beta male
assistant, Alex Horne.
Sorry. What sort of things do you
get up to when we're not filming
Taskmaster? Just a normal guy.
Are you?! Just do my box sets, do a
lot of box sets.
Bingeing on box sets.
I'm doing the news at the moment,
I'm up to 1975.
Gripping. Last weekend I did the
entire Wright Stuff box set.
Did you?! Just binged it.
Just smashed The Wright Stuff.
It's absolutely gripping, isn't it?
Yeah, you get to the end of one ep
and you think,
"I'm going to watch another Wright
Stuff."
Yeah. Let's move on to the prize
task, shall we?
Not a problem, yes. We've asked our
competitors to bring in their best
membership/subscription.
OK, so, excitingly not only will the
person that's brought in the best
membership/subscription get
five whole points at the start of
the show, the person who wins the
entire episode will win five
exclusive
subscription/memberships.
OK. Mel, hello.
Hello. We'll start with you.
You must get some pretty exclusive
membership offers.
Mmm-hmm. What's the one that you're
popping in the prize bag today?
It's a quarterly, so that's once a
quarter,
subscription to the Crossrail
magazine, Moving On.
Sorry, Moving Ahead. Moving Ahead.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Moving... I knew that!
You are obviously a big fan.
I'm a massive fan.
Does Crossrail exist?
Yes! Yes! I've been down it.
I've been in the tunnels.
Have you? Yeah, I was invited
into it to have a look.
Have you been invited down into the
tunnels?
No, I haven't, and I'm a little bit
peeved!
And you're a subscriber to this?
To Moving Ahead. The worst magazine
of all time.
LAUGHTER
Based on this, I don't want to win
this episode.
No.
Who would? Lolly, what have
you brought?
Well, in these trying political
times,
there's one thing that binds us all
together.
Cheese.
LAUGHTER
First, I want to hear why I would
want to read a magazine about
cheese.
It's not a magazine, it's just
a subscription.
They just send you cheese.
For actual cheese? Every month they
send you a big basket of cheese.
Get off the fucking bus!
LAUGHTER
We've got a picture, there. Oh!
MEL: That's great.
Now we're talking!
LOLLY: And that's to scale as well.
I think that's an amazing
subscription service.
Thank you. I want cheese brought to
the house.
You've upped the game. Thank God.
Noel, subscription?
Oh, yeah. Well, this is quite weird
because...
Mine's to do with cheese as well.
I can't believe it. OTHERS: Oh!
Yeah.
Great minds. Well, mine's called
Cheese Postie.
Is it a postman made of cheese?
I wish. You basically get the
ingredients for a gourmet cheese
toastie
sent to you every month.
Yeah, we've got it here. It is
incredible.
Oh, my God!
LAUGHTER
Have you subscribed to this?
Yes. Since I was one.
LAUGHTER
Hugh, given the enthusiasm you've
shown for Mel's,
I'm petrified to ask for yours.
My subscription is a genuine
subscription,
I'm genuinely a member of this
thing.
Oh, God.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm a member of a thing called The
Cloud Appreciation Society.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. It's true, this is the
certificate.
Yeah, it's great. So every day they
send you an e-mail picture of a
cloud.
You get a different cloud every day.
Hugh, have you heard of the sky?
I have, but in Britain the sky is
generally really shit.
How much do you pay for this?
It costs you about 17 quid a year.
17, and you can just go on the
internet and type in "cloud"?
Yeah, but you don't get the
excitement.
You could just go to a shop and buy
cheese!
LAUGHTER
I imagine a group of
villains or sitting round going,
"We've tried everything to rip
people off," and then one of them
going...
"Could try and sell clouds to Hugh
Dennis."
It's a fantastic thing, it's an
incredibly relaxing thing.
You want to move on to Joe Lycett?
I do.
Joe? Please?
I've joined The Air Society.
Just get a picture of some air!
Cure and Simple, I've joined, and
they just send you bits of bacon.
Your bacon comes from happy, healthy
British pigs.
Healthy but dead.
LAUGHTER
So I think it's one step up from a
cheese toastie.
I can see what you're doing, but I'm
not having that.
There we go. You've seen all five,
Greg.
You've got to judge them. All shit.
Last place? Yeah, I think I know
already.
LAUGHTER
I love...
I love clouds, but of course you've
got to go in last place,
just because I'm worried about you.
But a very, very close fourth place,
I mean, so close...
Two points to Mel. Two points to
Mel.
Third place, Joe and, again, that is
marginal,
just because I prefer cheese to
bacon.
Well, we all do, don't we? Who
doesn't?
No-one.
Cheese. Solid lumps of it, love it.
But I'm a very lazy man,
I want my cheese to be combined with
other things and fed into my fat
mouth. So the winner is Mr Noel
Fielding.
There we go.
APPLAUSE
On with the first
proper task.
Alex, please? Yes, it is a sneaky
task.
Good luck. Here we go.
LAUGHTER
HE CHUCKLES
Why has that made me laugh?
What is the thing?
Where's the task?
Oh, this is nice.
Nice little zone, isn't it?
I quite like that.
Oh, little hidden task.
Oh, task! I didn't see that.
That's nice, isn't it?
That's very satisfying.
Did you make that? Yes.
Just checking.
Save that for later.
"Camouflage yourself..."
"You have ten minutes to apply your
camouflage."
"After a further ten minutes you
will be photographed in position."
"Your time starts...now."
So I've got to try and be
invisible.
Camouflage, camouflage, camouflage.
APPLAUSE
That well-known catchphrase.
BOTH: Camouflage, camouflage,
camouflage.
So you don't know what's happened
here. They've all camouflaged
themselves,
we're going to see the photos of
them and you've got to try to spot
them.
Yeah, I sort of worked that out.
Yes, but... Worth saying.
I wouldn't have worked it out if
someone had just said camouflage to
me once, though.
LAUGHTER
I thought we'd start with Hugh
Dennis.
Yeah. So I'm going to show you a
picture.
Where do you think Hugh is here?
Oh, isn't this awful? I'm not
concentrating because I'm looking at
the clouds.
LAUGHTER
There are no clouds, and that is the
whole fucking point!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Do you know what?
That is genuinely awesome.
I can't...
If I had to guess... Do you want me
to guess? You do have to guess, cos
that's the show, yes.
It's really good.
If I had to guess I would say
there's something not quite right
about the door, but I don't know.
Well, let's roll that forward and
have a look.
APPLAUSE
Is that the door of the house? Yes,
he took it off, put it on his back.
The definition of camouflage is,
"The disguising of personnel or
equipment,
"usually military, by painting or
covering them to make them blend in
"with their surroundings." Right.
He used a door. I mean, standing
behind a door...
I wasn't standing behind it, it was
part of my...
It was genuine...
It was like putting a plant or
something in front of your face,
but just a door on my back.
I don't know. Interesting.
We'll come back to it.
Who's next? Shall we have a look
at Lolly Adefope?
Yes. OK. It's a game of Where's
Lolly?
Wow.
I think I might have spotted her.
No.
It's up to you, Greg. It's up to
you.
I think she might be under that
grass.
Under the grass?
Yeah. Which grass, though?
Which grass? Yeah.
This grass.
Very good, very good.
Well, it might be a decoy.
Let's have a look.
CHEERING AND APPLASE
You see, that's
actual camouflage,
because she brought something to the
situation that wasn't there before.
A grass poncho.
Also, a little detail on Lolly,
she made me pour icing sugar all
over her to replicate the frost.
Some went into her eyes
and I felt bad.
OK. Sacrifice.
Was it frosty? It was frosty. It was
freezing cold.
I mean, maybe if you hadn't poured
icing sugar all over yourself,
I wouldn't have got you so quickly.
Great. Who's next?
Joe Lycett.
Which one is Joe?
Oh, that's good!
That is good! Very good. Very good.
Love it. It's like Where's Wally?
as well.
So have a look. If you want, you can
choose one,
I can add some numbers and you can
say which number you think Joe is.
Add some numbers. There we go.
I want Joe to be number five.
Give me a number, Greg.
One. One! Let's have a look from the
other way round.
Nine! Nine.
That's very good. There's Al Murray!
Number seven is Al Murray.
He will not accept he's not on the
show any more, will he?
He won't accept it!
Was Al just hanging around that
train station?
Well, Joe sent a tweet out, he's got
130,000 followers. Phew!
In an hour he got nine re-tweets and
15 likes,
which means nearly 130,000 people
ignored him.
That's the population of the Isle of
Wight. That's a lot of people, isn't
it?
Yeah. But one of the people that
liked it was Al.
So he popped along. You know,
absolutely fulfilled the brief.
He camouflaged himself very
effectively.
It's my favourite so far.
Yay! Two camo attempts to go, but
first, some brilliant adverts.
See you in a few minutes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
There is a cheese subscription up
for grabs, and in a bid to win it,
Hugh Dennis has disguised himself
as a door.
Isn't that right, Alex? Oh, that's
so right, Greg.
And in this best camouflage task,
we are yet to see two of our
competitors' attempt.
I'm going to show you Mel Giedroyc,
but you might not be able to spot
her.
Ready? Yes.
Good. Here she is.
Whoa.
LAUGHTER
Do you want this?
Can I just say...? Do you know what,
I thought you had to stay within
that room.
Look at your little feet under
the...
That is the sort of hiding
place that my niece would choose,
and she's five.
Do you know what, I came away from
doing that and I thought,
"I've got this."
Only one step away from when kids do
this.
You know what I thought the moment I
saw it?
I thought, "Lolly, you're off the
hook."
Who's next? Right, OK.
We've got our last place, surely?
OK. Now we're going to see our last
person.
Noel Fielding, somewhere
in here.
Oh, my God. So it's just up to you,
Greg.
Well, I mean it's difficult because
any part of that caravan looks like
what Noel wears.
It's hard for you, cos I'm like
Predator.
He is there? He is there.
OK. I don't know. I don't know where
Noel is.
Let's have a look at where Noel is.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That is absolutely incredible.
He made himself very small and got
in the fruit bowl.
Right. Well...
I mean, here comes the judgment.
Are you ready? Oh, right. I mean,
obviously Noel's going to be
in first place.
OK.
I've reviewed Hugh's door and I've
decided it was actually very
inventive,
so I'm going to put him and Joe
joint second.
Oh. Oh.
Four points and four points?
Yeah. We jump down to two points
now for the fourth placed person.
That's correct, and that is
obviously going to be Lolly.
Obviously.
At least she went to the trouble of
sprinkling icing sugar in her own
face. Do you want anyone to clap
when you reveal last place, or...?
I'd like everyone to give Mel one
clap.
Good. In last place, Mel.
BRIEF APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Moving Ahead! Alex, I sense a
scoreboard update.
OK. Well, he's won both tasks so
far,
so the leader is obviously Mr Noel
Fielding.
There it is! Bang!
I don't suppose you have a more
sociable task, do you?
Like a team task?
Something like that. I do, I have a
team task.
Oh. Oh, look.
Thank you. Oh, isn't this lovely,
Hugh?
I'm not sure yet. Oh, nice popcorn!
Is that Al Murray?
Yeah. "Make a trailer...
"for Taskmaster The Movie."
Oh, that's great!
Oh, that's brilliant!
One hour. Shit.
That is so cool.
WHISTLE
That's amazing. Great task.
Well done.
What's this movie about?
Could do a sort of Ken Loach, sort
of gritty, or a Carry On.
Which series are we making a trailer
for?
This series? This series.
We need the words, don't we?
Trailers have got to be very pithy,
haven't they?
Got to think about the look, haven't
we?
Interesting jump between genres,
Ken Loach, Carry On.
What I noticed, though,
interestingly,
is your neurolinguistic programming
that you use on Hugh.
Where I don't say anything at all?
You just follow Mel as she says, "I
think we should do this, shouldn't
we?"
"I think we should probably have
this, shouldn't we?"
"Shall we concentrate on this, shall
we?"
And you're just going...
"Yeah."
LAUGHTER
I'm really sorry! It's an
interesting dynamic.
It is, yeah. I can't wait to see it.
Is it good? Do you want to start off
with TV's Mel and Hugh?
Yeah? Go for them? Yeah. Let's see
the great double act.
OK. Here we go.
HE PANTS
SHE SPEAKS IN DIFFERENT LAUNGUAGE
HE PANTS
SHE SPEAKS IN DIFFERENT LAUNGUAGE
APPLAUSE
Well, I mean camouflage's
loss is film-making's gain(!)
I genuinely want to watch it.
That was remarkable. Really?
It was absolutely wonderful.
Tugtemester.
That slightly put me off it, the
fact that it's called Tugmaster,
which is a very different show to
this.
Do you want to see the pansexual pop
pariahs?
I really do.
JLN, this is their trailer.
'Introducing Taskmaster: The Movie!
'Featuring Hugh Dennis...
'Joe Lycett...Lolly Adefope...
'Mel Giedroyc...and Noel Fielding.
'With your taskmaster, Greg Davies.
'And tiny bitch puppet, Alex Horne.
'Taskmaster: The Movie, 6:67pm,
'Christmas Day on BBC One.
'Not available on catch-up.'
APPLAUSE
It's a really, really
wonderful trailer.
Whose trailer did you enjoy most?
It was so close. I thought they were
both so brilliant.
But I have to give it to the
Scandinavian drama Tugtemester.
Well, there are five points
available, do you want to give all
five...?
No, I'd like to give three to
Tugtemester and two to the other
team,
cos they were both so awesome.
OK. Fair enough. There we go.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK. Scoreboard, Noel, still in the
lead.
APPLAUSE
OK, time for another well-deserved
break.
See you again in part three.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
All right. Let's get right back
into it.
This one is all about specific
numbers of non-human feet.
Hello, Dogget.
How are you?
It's a party!
BARKING
All right. I know,
it's the coat, isn't it?
Hello. Hello!
This way, please.
Are the dogs yours?
Oh... No, never seen them before.
There you go. Are these your dogs?
Yeah, seven.
It's the coat.
If I take it off...
Look, I'm just a man.
I'm just a man!
Just going to put this one in here.
I know. You're very sweet.
Now, let's read the task, shall we?
Persuade three dogs to stand
on the red mat.
Exactly 12 legs must be stood
on the red mat at the same time.
Fastest wins.
Your time starts now.
That's two already.
That must have been, actually, quite
genuinely upsetting for those dogs,
you ripping your flesh off
in front of them.
They were really frightened, cos I
must have looked like a giant bear.
Indeed. I'm confused, though.
I don't see Lolly.
There was an admin error.
Well, we designed this task
for a certain species of animal,
and then there was an outbreak of
a disease involving that animal.
Lolly went first, so she used
the original animal.
The rest, I picked an animal that
is the equivalent of her animal.
So I handled diseased animals?
Yes. Yes.
So I thought
we'll show Lolly's first,
then we'll compare them
to the other animals.
Is that all right? Fine.
OK, so this is Lolly's version.
Morning, Lolly.
Morning!
Persuade three chickens to stand
on the red mat at the same time.
Fastest wins. Your time starts now.
Are some of them not chickens?
Yeah, some of them are not chickens.
Is that your biggest problem?
Yeah. Can I move the mat?
Yes.
I mean, they don't like it, do they?
Ka-kaw! Ka-kaw!
Do you have any food?
Come on, guys!
I mean, come on.
Oh.
You've got one on there, Lolly.
There's two on at the moment.
No, that's three, isn't it?
WHISTLE BLOWS
Yay!
Yeah, so this genuinely happened,
you did it and then was an outbreak
of avian bird flu which means
all chickens have to be kept indoors
now, so I picked...
And I have avian bird flu now.
And you may have it.
Entirely feasible.
But unless you peck someone,
we're fine.
And then I just picked the sort of
animal equivalent of a chicken
for the others. Yeah.
Why did you go from chickens
to dogs?
Because Lolly's going to ask that
question.
Right. When?
Well, I said...
I say that, Lolly doesn't know
what a chicken is.
Or she certainly doesn't know
the difference
between a chicken and a duck.
"These aren't all chickens, right?"
You kids, you're so obsessed
with your iPads,
you don't know the difference
between chickens and ducks.
I can see it on the internet,
I don't need to see chickens
in real life.
What was Lolly's time for getting
three chickens onto a mat?
13 minutes and 40 seconds.
Right. Under quarter of an hour.
APPLAUSE
OK.
Do you want to see one
of the dog wranglers?
I do. Yes, please.
We'll compare Lolly to Mel and see
who found it harder.
Right.
Now, doggies, come here.
SHE WHISTLES
Oh, what have I got in my pocket?
Oh, oh, what have I got
in my pocket?
Oh, hello, sailor!
Hello, sailor.
Oh, what's se got in the pockets?
What have you got in your pocket,
Mel? My driving gloves,
they're going to be really,
really disappointed.
Sit. Very good dogs.
And sit. That's too many, now.
We've got 16. Now they're expecting
something,
I have nothing to give them.
They are literally going to tear me
from shred to shred.
Erm, treats.
Oh, the house.
I could get some food.
What have we got in the glove?
I've filled a driving glove
with some bits of sausage.
Maybe that's going to drive them
a bit nuts.
Help me.
They're in the fingers,
I put them in the fingers.
It was a mistake.
Where do you want the dogs to go?
OK. Oh, where's the sausage?
Where's the glove? Yes.
There's too many now. Too many?
He's got my glove now!
How many is that? One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
ten, 11.
Oh!
WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
A modern day Dr Doolittle.
Incredible skills.
I will drill down into some
of the minutiae here.
I am genuinely fascinated by the
casual way
with which you announced you had
driving gloves.
Natch. The last person I heard refer
to their driving gloves
was my grandfather, and it was
in the late '70s.
Even he, as he got older went,
"I should probably let these go."
Also, worth bearing in mind
Mel didn't drive to the address.
No. She was driven.
So they're more of a Michael
Jackson-esque fashion statement?
I always have...
They're string backed...
String backed.
..red leather, and they're moulded
exactly to the shape of my own hand.
Can you wear them as easily now
they've had sausage in them?
I don't know why... I don't know,
but I was trying to be clever.
Were you? I thought keep...
"Just pop the sausages
in my driving gloves!"
Shh, don't let the others catch on!
I was a bit scared of them,
can I say that now?
Yeah. I was a bit... Were you?
I was scared of the one that barked
at me when I left, he was a prick.
They can be, as a nation of dog
lovers we sometimes overlook that,
some dogs are pricks.
What was Mel's time?
Interestingly, Lolly took 13 minutes
40 with her chickens,
Mel took 14 minutes 24
with a dog,
so it's the equivalent,
chicken, dog.
It's about the same.
About the same, innit? Do you want
to see the little boys?
Yes! I've put all Hugh, Joe and
Noel's attempts together.
What's your technique, Hugh?
I'm just being nice to the dogs.
On you come.
I'll pretend to be dead.
So close! So close!
Is there any food? Normal rules
apply, do whatever you want.
What about food?
Well, there's a kitchen.
Oh, of course!
There were sausages in the...
There were sausages in the house!
OK... What's this?!
I've got some sausages. Sausages!
Oh, we're friends now, aren't we,
you prick?!
Looking for 12 legs. So how many?
That's three dogs, isn't it?
Four, eight, 12.
Four. One, two, three...
There's too many. Oh, hang on.
Exactly. Yeah.
So you're off. That's it, that's it,
that's it!
WHISTLE BLOWS
That is it.
Sit. Sit. Sit down.
That surely... Look.
One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine...
One, two, three, four...
That's 14.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Yeah, perfect.
Was that good? When he jumped up,
that was a total of 12.
It doesn't specify the legs have
to be the dogs' legs?
No. So I would have had ten dogs'
legs and my legs.
WHISTLE BLOWS
So that...
As you said that,
there were ten legs and yours.
Class.
APPLAUSE
Interesting, isn't it? Three men,
all of them went,
there's sausages in the house,
worked out that they could use
the sausages to their advantage,
and yet not one of those men
thought to pop
those sausages
into a pair of gloves.
Give us some times.
Well, Hugh, six minutes 51.
Noel, six minutes 28.
Joe Lycett, and I see this as a sort
of modern day miracle, 44.6 seconds.
Jesus Christ!
APPLAUSE
Scoring-wise...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, we've got a problem to deal
with here,
and that is the Lolly problem.
It's not fair. I mean, that dog
was a prick, Joe was right.
But chickens, across-the-board,
are pricks.
Could you not have picked
the chickens up, though?
Yeah, or killed them.
Or killed them?
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, silly Lolly,
trying to wrangle them
when she could have just
run round kicking their heads off.
So, what do you reckon?
How much? I think it's 40% harder.
40% harder. Yeah.
So, 40% of five points is two.
Yeah, she should get
an extra two points.
Oh... I agree.
Thank you. I totally agree.
Yeah? Yeah. Which means that Mel
gets one,
Lolly up to four, Hugh, three,
Noel, four, Joe, five.
Happy? Bang. OK, there we go.
APPLAUSE
I guess we should have another task.
OK, it's fishbowls time.
Wow!
What the hell's going on?
Always happy whenever clingfilm
is involved.
Lovely.
Is that actual chocolate?
That is actual chocolate.
That's actual bread.
Without moving the fishbowls,
transfer the water
from fishbowl A to fishbowl B.
You may only use the items
on this table.
Most water moved wins.
That's got a very...
That's not a good bake.
Also, you must commentate on your
attempt through the task,
always referring to yourself
in the third person.
You have five minutes.
You have five minutes,
your time starts now.
Right, Noel's read the task.
Noel doesn't understand he task.
APPLAUSE
Noel, why didn't you understand
the task?
Erm...
It was quite hard.
No, no, get all the water
from one bowl to the other.
Without touching it.
You could touch it, I should say,
they just couldn't move the bowl.
OK, so anyone who did move
the bowls.
Yeah, you couldn't move the bowls.
And they have to commentate on
themselves in the third person.
The third person, I understand that.
But anyone who did move the bowls...
Oh, they couldn't move the bowls.
You can't move the bowls.
Can't move the bowls. Fine.
Shall we see Lolly?
Yeah, yeah.
APPLAUSE
She's just
taking a look at everything.
Without moving the fishbowls,
she's going over to the fishbowl
and she's just lifting it up to
see how heavy it is.
Without moving the fishbowls...
She's taking the fishbowl and she's
going to pour some water
into this bowl.
Without moving the fishbowls...
Argh!
That's really quite a lot but
she's just wondering...
Without moving the fishbowls.
She's just wondering if there
is a better way
but she doesn't have time.
She's just committing to it now.
Without moving the fishbowls...
Without...
moving...
the fishbowls...
WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
Without moving the fishbowls,
camouflage, camouflage, camouflage,
they are not all chickens, right?
I don't think it was clear whether
you were allowed to move
the fishbowls.
I mean, terrible news, Lolly,
terrible performance.
Who's next? Shall be gone on
to Mel and Noel?
Yes. That's a nice combo, isn't it?
A lovely combo.
Your time starts now.
We'll start with a little snack.
Mel will have a little snack
before she starts.
Noel's looking at this and wondering
why you would need a foot pump.
Oh, that did come up, actually.
Noel's going to have to do
some of that weird sucking stuff
that makes him feel a bit sick.
I'm going to hose with my mouth,
the water.
Is this water going to poison me?
No.
Noel can't siphon water.
Doesn't know how to do it.
Noel might lie down
and eat chocolate!
Mel's just going to have another
little piece of choc.
Noel really doesn't know
what he's doing.
Mel is a little concerned now.
It nearly came out!
So, Mel is immersing
the rubber glove.
That's rubbish! They've got ruddy
holes in!
WHISTLE BLOWS
Noel doesn't know what he's doing!
APPLAUSE
Erm, some of that weird
sucking stuff...
The chocolate did us,
as soon as we saw chocolate,
we couldn't concentrate.
Yeah. Really?
Interesting. Well, Mel, there was
five litres of water,
you had five minutes, she
transferred 74ml, 1.5% of the water.
1.5%, and that was just one clumsily
sucked up mouthful, wasn't it?
Two. Lovely phrase.
And Noel, 115ml,
so, 2.3%.
How much water did I transfer?
It doesn't matter. Cool.
It's academic. But let me tell you,
not enough.
Write, it's time for the third
commercial break of the show,
some say the best commercial break.
See you soon.
APPLAUSE
Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster,
it's our live task soon,
but first, though, weren't people
shifting water about?
Yes, they were. They've been given
the task of shifting water
from one bowl to another
but without moving the bowls.
One simple rule, Lolly!
Let's see if Hugh and Joe
fared any better.
I think Joe thinks that's quite
successful.
Rubber glove, of course.
Let's hope it's waterproof.
No, it's got holes in it!
We can't use the rubber glove.
Hugh is really quite worried now.
Hugh is hollowing out a baguette.
It's not going to work.
That's terrible.
Never abandon a glove just because
it's got holes in the fingers.
That was horrible.
Hugh is unable to see
how a large bar of cooking chocolate
will help him move water
from one fishbowl to another.
I mean, I've finished it.
Quite a lot of gravel there.
WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
It was horrible.
Yeah, well, I mean, there had been
fish in that for several weeks.
I definitely swallowed some of it.
Yeah, me too!
Yeah, you transferred 97%
of the water,
the other 3%, into you.
APPLAUSE
That's a lot of the water!
Wow. Really incredible,
and you came up
with that system pretty quickly,
just got on the job, transferred all
of the water
without moving the bowl.
Or talking. No talking.
Yeah, I didn't do the talking.
I'm interested in why
is the commentary that he was doing
no longer a necessary part
of the task,
although it was written on the card?
Well, you had to do it, yeah,
in much the same way that when you
go about your day-to-day life,
you should continue breathing.
It's not point-worthy,
so fucking leave it.
You obviously had to move water
from one fishbowl to another,
you obviously go for Joe Lycett.
And you don't listen to bullshit,
you see a man moving water
from one goldfish bowl to another.
OK, you're OK? Yeah, no, I'm fine,
it's just Hugh's wound me up
a little bit.
I should say there is one
other tiny little thing,
there was obviously a rule broken
by Lolly.
There was one other rule in the task
that a few of them flagrantly broke.
Oh, really?
Yeah, do you want to see?
Yes. OK.
You may only use the items
on this table.
Transfer the water
from fishbowl A to fishbowl B.
Mel will have a little snack
before she starts.
Wondering whether she has to use
something on the desk.
Mel's just going to have another
little piece of choc.
APPLAUSE
Lads, that means
I'm in negative points!
I didn't even spot that on the card
because I was too busy commentating.
Guys, how about, because I'm in
negative points anyway...
Yeah? Maybe I should take on Joe's
five points as well, for docking?
Can I say that's a really shit idea?
It doesn't work like that, this
isn't the Good Samaritan.
We make the rules, sausage gloves.
Hey, explore this a bit more.
OK, well, because she ate chocolate,
Mel will go from one point
to minus four,
Lolly stays on zero, Joe goes from
five points to zero,
Noel stays on three and Hugh stays
on four, so he wins the task.
Incredible.
APPLAUSE
And what's that done to our
scoreboard, Alex?
Well, he's only stretched his lead.
He's catchable but he's
on 19 points.
Noel Fielding's still in the lead.
APPLAUSE
Oh, how annoying!
Well, we need to get a solid answer
on today's winner,
so could you please vacate
your seats
and prepare for the final task of
the show!
APPLAUSE
Hello. Hello. We've got some
musicians, Greg.
Oh, well, let's welcome
our musicians, please.
APPLAUSE
Who's going to read the task out,
so we can see where these talented
gentleman fit into the show?
Shall we go for Lolly Adefope?
Yes, please. OK, Lolly...
Can I touch it?
Take it in turns to say a
five-letter word
whenever the music stops.
Oh, great! You may not say a word
that has previously been said.
If you fail to say a word
before the music starts again,
you're eliminated
and the game continues
with different length words.
There's one winner of this task,
one winner will get five points,
that's it.
Can we start with Noel because
he's pacing like a puma.
So, we'll start with Noel.
I will point at you as well, just in
case you don't understand the rules.
It's a five-letter word,
once you're out,
were going to choose a different
length of word.
OK. Good luck, everyone.
Are you ready, everyone? Yeah.
This is a little song called
Midnight.
MUSIC PLAYS
Flood.
Bingo.
Party.
Tasks.
Swede.
Break.
Wembley!
LAUGHTER
I'm out!
Mel, if you could have a seat,
please, you're out.
Oh, so bad!
So, it's Lolly next. We're going
to do six letter words.
As quick as you can, Midnight!
Master.
Carrot.
Doubts.
Fishes.
Fishes?
Yes...
He said fishes. Oh, fishes...
Oh, sorry.
Oh, I was thinking of the plural
of fish.
You might find it useful to put it
into a sentence.
"He fishes, she doesn't know
what a chicken is."
Lolly, if you could have a seat,
please?
Sorry, Lolly! OK, we're going
to start again with Noel.
Seven letter words, off we go,
Midnight.
Frights.
Rabbits.
Sweden's.
Why? Swedens?
Sweden's - it's of Sweden,
it's got a thing in it.
Well, if you're cool, Greg?
All right. No more apostrophes
from now on.
OK, start with Hugh, seven letters.
Let's go.
Caravan.
Wembley.
Parties.
Sweden's.
That's it, he's off, he's off.
That's it, mate!
Sit down.
I self-destructed.
OK, it's the final and this time
we're looking for two letter words.
Two letter words! No!
We're going to start off,
we're starting off with Noel.
Off you go.
Two letter words?
As.
It.
If.
Be.
On.
Of.
APPLAUSE
How did that affect our scores?
Well, it's an amazing situation,
Noel was five points ahead of Joe.
A clear winner, surely?
No, because the score board
now looks like this.
Oh!
Ah, the dreaded tie-break scenario.
Alex? Mm-hm?
Can you sort this mess out, please?
I will, Greg. We thought the best
way to sort this out
would be with wine.
With wine. Not drinking it,
decanting it into another bottle
from atop an umpire's chair.
Right. OK. Yes.
So, they've both done this.
Let's have a look
at the wine tie-break.
You have one minute,
your time starts now.
Shit!
I've never decanted wine in my life.
Oh, that was it.
I could just drink this
and then piss in there.
WHISTLE BLOWS
You've got ten seconds
left right now.
Ten seconds left?
Oh!
APPLAUSE
Noel got more than you'd think
from that technique.
He got, well, 18ml,
including little shards of glass
into the other bottle.
16ml of wine
into the other bottle.
Joe got 79ml of wine.
So, we do have a winner and that
winner, Mr Joe Lycett!
APPLAUSE
I won the show!
Incredible, Joe, you are the
rightful winner
of several subscriptions.
Please make your way to the stage
to collect your prizes!
There it is. That's the end
of another episode.
And the start of a whole new chapter
in our lives together, Greg.
No? No. No, I don't like it,
I don't like the contact.
So, what have we learnt today?
Well, we've learnt that Lolly is
bad at rules,
camouflage and identifying birds.
And that Mel transports meat
in gloves.
That's the end of the show then.
Please clap your hands together
once more for today's winner,
Mr Joe Lycett!
APPLAUSE
Goodbye!
Did I hit a camera?
Subtitles by Ericsson
HE LAUGHS
Mwah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! I'm Greg Davies, and this is
Taskmaster.
As we venture deeper into the
series, the competition to win this,
the most aesthetically-rewarding
statue in television,
continues to grow in intensity.
There are five comedians lurking in
the shadows ready to prove
their worth
and become the series champion.
Let's hear their names now.
They are...
Hugh Dennis...
Joe Lycett...
Lolly Adefope...
Mel Giedroyc...
and Noel Fielding!
And ever present is my beta male
assistant, Alex Horne.
Sorry. What sort of things do you
get up to when we're not filming
Taskmaster? Just a normal guy.
Are you?! Just do my box sets, do a
lot of box sets.
Bingeing on box sets.
I'm doing the news at the moment,
I'm up to 1975.
Gripping. Last weekend I did the
entire Wright Stuff box set.
Did you?! Just binged it.
Just smashed The Wright Stuff.
It's absolutely gripping, isn't it?
Yeah, you get to the end of one ep
and you think,
"I'm going to watch another Wright
Stuff."
Yeah. Let's move on to the prize
task, shall we?
Not a problem, yes. We've asked our
competitors to bring in their best
membership/subscription.
OK, so, excitingly not only will the
person that's brought in the best
membership/subscription get
five whole points at the start of
the show, the person who wins the
entire episode will win five
exclusive
subscription/memberships.
OK. Mel, hello.
Hello. We'll start with you.
You must get some pretty exclusive
membership offers.
Mmm-hmm. What's the one that you're
popping in the prize bag today?
It's a quarterly, so that's once a
quarter,
subscription to the Crossrail
magazine, Moving On.
Sorry, Moving Ahead. Moving Ahead.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Moving... I knew that!
You are obviously a big fan.
I'm a massive fan.
Does Crossrail exist?
Yes! Yes! I've been down it.
I've been in the tunnels.
Have you? Yeah, I was invited
into it to have a look.
Have you been invited down into the
tunnels?
No, I haven't, and I'm a little bit
peeved!
And you're a subscriber to this?
To Moving Ahead. The worst magazine
of all time.
LAUGHTER
Based on this, I don't want to win
this episode.
No.
Who would? Lolly, what have
you brought?
Well, in these trying political
times,
there's one thing that binds us all
together.
Cheese.
LAUGHTER
First, I want to hear why I would
want to read a magazine about
cheese.
It's not a magazine, it's just
a subscription.
They just send you cheese.
For actual cheese? Every month they
send you a big basket of cheese.
Get off the fucking bus!
LAUGHTER
We've got a picture, there. Oh!
MEL: That's great.
Now we're talking!
LOLLY: And that's to scale as well.
I think that's an amazing
subscription service.
Thank you. I want cheese brought to
the house.
You've upped the game. Thank God.
Noel, subscription?
Oh, yeah. Well, this is quite weird
because...
Mine's to do with cheese as well.
I can't believe it. OTHERS: Oh!
Yeah.
Great minds. Well, mine's called
Cheese Postie.
Is it a postman made of cheese?
I wish. You basically get the
ingredients for a gourmet cheese
toastie
sent to you every month.
Yeah, we've got it here. It is
incredible.
Oh, my God!
LAUGHTER
Have you subscribed to this?
Yes. Since I was one.
LAUGHTER
Hugh, given the enthusiasm you've
shown for Mel's,
I'm petrified to ask for yours.
My subscription is a genuine
subscription,
I'm genuinely a member of this
thing.
Oh, God.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm a member of a thing called The
Cloud Appreciation Society.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. It's true, this is the
certificate.
Yeah, it's great. So every day they
send you an e-mail picture of a
cloud.
You get a different cloud every day.
Hugh, have you heard of the sky?
I have, but in Britain the sky is
generally really shit.
How much do you pay for this?
It costs you about 17 quid a year.
17, and you can just go on the
internet and type in "cloud"?
Yeah, but you don't get the
excitement.
You could just go to a shop and buy
cheese!
LAUGHTER
I imagine a group of
villains or sitting round going,
"We've tried everything to rip
people off," and then one of them
going...
"Could try and sell clouds to Hugh
Dennis."
It's a fantastic thing, it's an
incredibly relaxing thing.
You want to move on to Joe Lycett?
I do.
Joe? Please?
I've joined The Air Society.
Just get a picture of some air!
Cure and Simple, I've joined, and
they just send you bits of bacon.
Your bacon comes from happy, healthy
British pigs.
Healthy but dead.
LAUGHTER
So I think it's one step up from a
cheese toastie.
I can see what you're doing, but I'm
not having that.
There we go. You've seen all five,
Greg.
You've got to judge them. All shit.
Last place? Yeah, I think I know
already.
LAUGHTER
I love...
I love clouds, but of course you've
got to go in last place,
just because I'm worried about you.
But a very, very close fourth place,
I mean, so close...
Two points to Mel. Two points to
Mel.
Third place, Joe and, again, that is
marginal,
just because I prefer cheese to
bacon.
Well, we all do, don't we? Who
doesn't?
No-one.
Cheese. Solid lumps of it, love it.
But I'm a very lazy man,
I want my cheese to be combined with
other things and fed into my fat
mouth. So the winner is Mr Noel
Fielding.
There we go.
APPLAUSE
On with the first
proper task.
Alex, please? Yes, it is a sneaky
task.
Good luck. Here we go.
LAUGHTER
HE CHUCKLES
Why has that made me laugh?
What is the thing?
Where's the task?
Oh, this is nice.
Nice little zone, isn't it?
I quite like that.
Oh, little hidden task.
Oh, task! I didn't see that.
That's nice, isn't it?
That's very satisfying.
Did you make that? Yes.
Just checking.
Save that for later.
"Camouflage yourself..."
"You have ten minutes to apply your
camouflage."
"After a further ten minutes you
will be photographed in position."
"Your time starts...now."
So I've got to try and be
invisible.
Camouflage, camouflage, camouflage.
APPLAUSE
That well-known catchphrase.
BOTH: Camouflage, camouflage,
camouflage.
So you don't know what's happened
here. They've all camouflaged
themselves,
we're going to see the photos of
them and you've got to try to spot
them.
Yeah, I sort of worked that out.
Yes, but... Worth saying.
I wouldn't have worked it out if
someone had just said camouflage to
me once, though.
LAUGHTER
I thought we'd start with Hugh
Dennis.
Yeah. So I'm going to show you a
picture.
Where do you think Hugh is here?
Oh, isn't this awful? I'm not
concentrating because I'm looking at
the clouds.
LAUGHTER
There are no clouds, and that is the
whole fucking point!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Do you know what?
That is genuinely awesome.
I can't...
If I had to guess... Do you want me
to guess? You do have to guess, cos
that's the show, yes.
It's really good.
If I had to guess I would say
there's something not quite right
about the door, but I don't know.
Well, let's roll that forward and
have a look.
APPLAUSE
Is that the door of the house? Yes,
he took it off, put it on his back.
The definition of camouflage is,
"The disguising of personnel or
equipment,
"usually military, by painting or
covering them to make them blend in
"with their surroundings." Right.
He used a door. I mean, standing
behind a door...
I wasn't standing behind it, it was
part of my...
It was genuine...
It was like putting a plant or
something in front of your face,
but just a door on my back.
I don't know. Interesting.
We'll come back to it.
Who's next? Shall we have a look
at Lolly Adefope?
Yes. OK. It's a game of Where's
Lolly?
Wow.
I think I might have spotted her.
No.
It's up to you, Greg. It's up to
you.
I think she might be under that
grass.
Under the grass?
Yeah. Which grass, though?
Which grass? Yeah.
This grass.
Very good, very good.
Well, it might be a decoy.
Let's have a look.
CHEERING AND APPLASE
You see, that's
actual camouflage,
because she brought something to the
situation that wasn't there before.
A grass poncho.
Also, a little detail on Lolly,
she made me pour icing sugar all
over her to replicate the frost.
Some went into her eyes
and I felt bad.
OK. Sacrifice.
Was it frosty? It was frosty. It was
freezing cold.
I mean, maybe if you hadn't poured
icing sugar all over yourself,
I wouldn't have got you so quickly.
Great. Who's next?
Joe Lycett.
Which one is Joe?
Oh, that's good!
That is good! Very good. Very good.
Love it. It's like Where's Wally?
as well.
So have a look. If you want, you can
choose one,
I can add some numbers and you can
say which number you think Joe is.
Add some numbers. There we go.
I want Joe to be number five.
Give me a number, Greg.
One. One! Let's have a look from the
other way round.
Nine! Nine.
That's very good. There's Al Murray!
Number seven is Al Murray.
He will not accept he's not on the
show any more, will he?
He won't accept it!
Was Al just hanging around that
train station?
Well, Joe sent a tweet out, he's got
130,000 followers. Phew!
In an hour he got nine re-tweets and
15 likes,
which means nearly 130,000 people
ignored him.
That's the population of the Isle of
Wight. That's a lot of people, isn't
it?
Yeah. But one of the people that
liked it was Al.
So he popped along. You know,
absolutely fulfilled the brief.
He camouflaged himself very
effectively.
It's my favourite so far.
Yay! Two camo attempts to go, but
first, some brilliant adverts.
See you in a few minutes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
There is a cheese subscription up
for grabs, and in a bid to win it,
Hugh Dennis has disguised himself
as a door.
Isn't that right, Alex? Oh, that's
so right, Greg.
And in this best camouflage task,
we are yet to see two of our
competitors' attempt.
I'm going to show you Mel Giedroyc,
but you might not be able to spot
her.
Ready? Yes.
Good. Here she is.
Whoa.
LAUGHTER
Do you want this?
Can I just say...? Do you know what,
I thought you had to stay within
that room.
Look at your little feet under
the...
That is the sort of hiding
place that my niece would choose,
and she's five.
Do you know what, I came away from
doing that and I thought,
"I've got this."
Only one step away from when kids do
this.
You know what I thought the moment I
saw it?
I thought, "Lolly, you're off the
hook."
Who's next? Right, OK.
We've got our last place, surely?
OK. Now we're going to see our last
person.
Noel Fielding, somewhere
in here.
Oh, my God. So it's just up to you,
Greg.
Well, I mean it's difficult because
any part of that caravan looks like
what Noel wears.
It's hard for you, cos I'm like
Predator.
He is there? He is there.
OK. I don't know. I don't know where
Noel is.
Let's have a look at where Noel is.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That is absolutely incredible.
He made himself very small and got
in the fruit bowl.
Right. Well...
I mean, here comes the judgment.
Are you ready? Oh, right. I mean,
obviously Noel's going to be
in first place.
OK.
I've reviewed Hugh's door and I've
decided it was actually very
inventive,
so I'm going to put him and Joe
joint second.
Oh. Oh.
Four points and four points?
Yeah. We jump down to two points
now for the fourth placed person.
That's correct, and that is
obviously going to be Lolly.
Obviously.
At least she went to the trouble of
sprinkling icing sugar in her own
face. Do you want anyone to clap
when you reveal last place, or...?
I'd like everyone to give Mel one
clap.
Good. In last place, Mel.
BRIEF APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Moving Ahead! Alex, I sense a
scoreboard update.
OK. Well, he's won both tasks so
far,
so the leader is obviously Mr Noel
Fielding.
There it is! Bang!
I don't suppose you have a more
sociable task, do you?
Like a team task?
Something like that. I do, I have a
team task.
Oh. Oh, look.
Thank you. Oh, isn't this lovely,
Hugh?
I'm not sure yet. Oh, nice popcorn!
Is that Al Murray?
Yeah. "Make a trailer...
"for Taskmaster The Movie."
Oh, that's great!
Oh, that's brilliant!
One hour. Shit.
That is so cool.
WHISTLE
That's amazing. Great task.
Well done.
What's this movie about?
Could do a sort of Ken Loach, sort
of gritty, or a Carry On.
Which series are we making a trailer
for?
This series? This series.
We need the words, don't we?
Trailers have got to be very pithy,
haven't they?
Got to think about the look, haven't
we?
Interesting jump between genres,
Ken Loach, Carry On.
What I noticed, though,
interestingly,
is your neurolinguistic programming
that you use on Hugh.
Where I don't say anything at all?
You just follow Mel as she says, "I
think we should do this, shouldn't
we?"
"I think we should probably have
this, shouldn't we?"
"Shall we concentrate on this, shall
we?"
And you're just going...
"Yeah."
LAUGHTER
I'm really sorry! It's an
interesting dynamic.
It is, yeah. I can't wait to see it.
Is it good? Do you want to start off
with TV's Mel and Hugh?
Yeah? Go for them? Yeah. Let's see
the great double act.
OK. Here we go.
HE PANTS
SHE SPEAKS IN DIFFERENT LAUNGUAGE
HE PANTS
SHE SPEAKS IN DIFFERENT LAUNGUAGE
APPLAUSE
Well, I mean camouflage's
loss is film-making's gain(!)
I genuinely want to watch it.
That was remarkable. Really?
It was absolutely wonderful.
Tugtemester.
That slightly put me off it, the
fact that it's called Tugmaster,
which is a very different show to
this.
Do you want to see the pansexual pop
pariahs?
I really do.
JLN, this is their trailer.
'Introducing Taskmaster: The Movie!
'Featuring Hugh Dennis...
'Joe Lycett...Lolly Adefope...
'Mel Giedroyc...and Noel Fielding.
'With your taskmaster, Greg Davies.
'And tiny bitch puppet, Alex Horne.
'Taskmaster: The Movie, 6:67pm,
'Christmas Day on BBC One.
'Not available on catch-up.'
APPLAUSE
It's a really, really
wonderful trailer.
Whose trailer did you enjoy most?
It was so close. I thought they were
both so brilliant.
But I have to give it to the
Scandinavian drama Tugtemester.
Well, there are five points
available, do you want to give all
five...?
No, I'd like to give three to
Tugtemester and two to the other
team,
cos they were both so awesome.
OK. Fair enough. There we go.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK. Scoreboard, Noel, still in the
lead.
APPLAUSE
OK, time for another well-deserved
break.
See you again in part three.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
All right. Let's get right back
into it.
This one is all about specific
numbers of non-human feet.
Hello, Dogget.
How are you?
It's a party!
BARKING
All right. I know,
it's the coat, isn't it?
Hello. Hello!
This way, please.
Are the dogs yours?
Oh... No, never seen them before.
There you go. Are these your dogs?
Yeah, seven.
It's the coat.
If I take it off...
Look, I'm just a man.
I'm just a man!
Just going to put this one in here.
I know. You're very sweet.
Now, let's read the task, shall we?
Persuade three dogs to stand
on the red mat.
Exactly 12 legs must be stood
on the red mat at the same time.
Fastest wins.
Your time starts now.
That's two already.
That must have been, actually, quite
genuinely upsetting for those dogs,
you ripping your flesh off
in front of them.
They were really frightened, cos I
must have looked like a giant bear.
Indeed. I'm confused, though.
I don't see Lolly.
There was an admin error.
Well, we designed this task
for a certain species of animal,
and then there was an outbreak of
a disease involving that animal.
Lolly went first, so she used
the original animal.
The rest, I picked an animal that
is the equivalent of her animal.
So I handled diseased animals?
Yes. Yes.
So I thought
we'll show Lolly's first,
then we'll compare them
to the other animals.
Is that all right? Fine.
OK, so this is Lolly's version.
Morning, Lolly.
Morning!
Persuade three chickens to stand
on the red mat at the same time.
Fastest wins. Your time starts now.
Are some of them not chickens?
Yeah, some of them are not chickens.
Is that your biggest problem?
Yeah. Can I move the mat?
Yes.
I mean, they don't like it, do they?
Ka-kaw! Ka-kaw!
Do you have any food?
Come on, guys!
I mean, come on.
Oh.
You've got one on there, Lolly.
There's two on at the moment.
No, that's three, isn't it?
WHISTLE BLOWS
Yay!
Yeah, so this genuinely happened,
you did it and then was an outbreak
of avian bird flu which means
all chickens have to be kept indoors
now, so I picked...
And I have avian bird flu now.
And you may have it.
Entirely feasible.
But unless you peck someone,
we're fine.
And then I just picked the sort of
animal equivalent of a chicken
for the others. Yeah.
Why did you go from chickens
to dogs?
Because Lolly's going to ask that
question.
Right. When?
Well, I said...
I say that, Lolly doesn't know
what a chicken is.
Or she certainly doesn't know
the difference
between a chicken and a duck.
"These aren't all chickens, right?"
You kids, you're so obsessed
with your iPads,
you don't know the difference
between chickens and ducks.
I can see it on the internet,
I don't need to see chickens
in real life.
What was Lolly's time for getting
three chickens onto a mat?
13 minutes and 40 seconds.
Right. Under quarter of an hour.
APPLAUSE
OK.
Do you want to see one
of the dog wranglers?
I do. Yes, please.
We'll compare Lolly to Mel and see
who found it harder.
Right.
Now, doggies, come here.
SHE WHISTLES
Oh, what have I got in my pocket?
Oh, oh, what have I got
in my pocket?
Oh, hello, sailor!
Hello, sailor.
Oh, what's se got in the pockets?
What have you got in your pocket,
Mel? My driving gloves,
they're going to be really,
really disappointed.
Sit. Very good dogs.
And sit. That's too many, now.
We've got 16. Now they're expecting
something,
I have nothing to give them.
They are literally going to tear me
from shred to shred.
Erm, treats.
Oh, the house.
I could get some food.
What have we got in the glove?
I've filled a driving glove
with some bits of sausage.
Maybe that's going to drive them
a bit nuts.
Help me.
They're in the fingers,
I put them in the fingers.
It was a mistake.
Where do you want the dogs to go?
OK. Oh, where's the sausage?
Where's the glove? Yes.
There's too many now. Too many?
He's got my glove now!
How many is that? One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
ten, 11.
Oh!
WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
A modern day Dr Doolittle.
Incredible skills.
I will drill down into some
of the minutiae here.
I am genuinely fascinated by the
casual way
with which you announced you had
driving gloves.
Natch. The last person I heard refer
to their driving gloves
was my grandfather, and it was
in the late '70s.
Even he, as he got older went,
"I should probably let these go."
Also, worth bearing in mind
Mel didn't drive to the address.
No. She was driven.
So they're more of a Michael
Jackson-esque fashion statement?
I always have...
They're string backed...
String backed.
..red leather, and they're moulded
exactly to the shape of my own hand.
Can you wear them as easily now
they've had sausage in them?
I don't know why... I don't know,
but I was trying to be clever.
Were you? I thought keep...
"Just pop the sausages
in my driving gloves!"
Shh, don't let the others catch on!
I was a bit scared of them,
can I say that now?
Yeah. I was a bit... Were you?
I was scared of the one that barked
at me when I left, he was a prick.
They can be, as a nation of dog
lovers we sometimes overlook that,
some dogs are pricks.
What was Mel's time?
Interestingly, Lolly took 13 minutes
40 with her chickens,
Mel took 14 minutes 24
with a dog,
so it's the equivalent,
chicken, dog.
It's about the same.
About the same, innit? Do you want
to see the little boys?
Yes! I've put all Hugh, Joe and
Noel's attempts together.
What's your technique, Hugh?
I'm just being nice to the dogs.
On you come.
I'll pretend to be dead.
So close! So close!
Is there any food? Normal rules
apply, do whatever you want.
What about food?
Well, there's a kitchen.
Oh, of course!
There were sausages in the...
There were sausages in the house!
OK... What's this?!
I've got some sausages. Sausages!
Oh, we're friends now, aren't we,
you prick?!
Looking for 12 legs. So how many?
That's three dogs, isn't it?
Four, eight, 12.
Four. One, two, three...
There's too many. Oh, hang on.
Exactly. Yeah.
So you're off. That's it, that's it,
that's it!
WHISTLE BLOWS
That is it.
Sit. Sit. Sit down.
That surely... Look.
One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine...
One, two, three, four...
That's 14.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Yeah, perfect.
Was that good? When he jumped up,
that was a total of 12.
It doesn't specify the legs have
to be the dogs' legs?
No. So I would have had ten dogs'
legs and my legs.
WHISTLE BLOWS
So that...
As you said that,
there were ten legs and yours.
Class.
APPLAUSE
Interesting, isn't it? Three men,
all of them went,
there's sausages in the house,
worked out that they could use
the sausages to their advantage,
and yet not one of those men
thought to pop
those sausages
into a pair of gloves.
Give us some times.
Well, Hugh, six minutes 51.
Noel, six minutes 28.
Joe Lycett, and I see this as a sort
of modern day miracle, 44.6 seconds.
Jesus Christ!
APPLAUSE
Scoring-wise...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, we've got a problem to deal
with here,
and that is the Lolly problem.
It's not fair. I mean, that dog
was a prick, Joe was right.
But chickens, across-the-board,
are pricks.
Could you not have picked
the chickens up, though?
Yeah, or killed them.
Or killed them?
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, silly Lolly,
trying to wrangle them
when she could have just
run round kicking their heads off.
So, what do you reckon?
How much? I think it's 40% harder.
40% harder. Yeah.
So, 40% of five points is two.
Yeah, she should get
an extra two points.
Oh... I agree.
Thank you. I totally agree.
Yeah? Yeah. Which means that Mel
gets one,
Lolly up to four, Hugh, three,
Noel, four, Joe, five.
Happy? Bang. OK, there we go.
APPLAUSE
I guess we should have another task.
OK, it's fishbowls time.
Wow!
What the hell's going on?
Always happy whenever clingfilm
is involved.
Lovely.
Is that actual chocolate?
That is actual chocolate.
That's actual bread.
Without moving the fishbowls,
transfer the water
from fishbowl A to fishbowl B.
You may only use the items
on this table.
Most water moved wins.
That's got a very...
That's not a good bake.
Also, you must commentate on your
attempt through the task,
always referring to yourself
in the third person.
You have five minutes.
You have five minutes,
your time starts now.
Right, Noel's read the task.
Noel doesn't understand he task.
APPLAUSE
Noel, why didn't you understand
the task?
Erm...
It was quite hard.
No, no, get all the water
from one bowl to the other.
Without touching it.
You could touch it, I should say,
they just couldn't move the bowl.
OK, so anyone who did move
the bowls.
Yeah, you couldn't move the bowls.
And they have to commentate on
themselves in the third person.
The third person, I understand that.
But anyone who did move the bowls...
Oh, they couldn't move the bowls.
You can't move the bowls.
Can't move the bowls. Fine.
Shall we see Lolly?
Yeah, yeah.
APPLAUSE
She's just
taking a look at everything.
Without moving the fishbowls,
she's going over to the fishbowl
and she's just lifting it up to
see how heavy it is.
Without moving the fishbowls...
She's taking the fishbowl and she's
going to pour some water
into this bowl.
Without moving the fishbowls...
Argh!
That's really quite a lot but
she's just wondering...
Without moving the fishbowls.
She's just wondering if there
is a better way
but she doesn't have time.
She's just committing to it now.
Without moving the fishbowls...
Without...
moving...
the fishbowls...
WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
Without moving the fishbowls,
camouflage, camouflage, camouflage,
they are not all chickens, right?
I don't think it was clear whether
you were allowed to move
the fishbowls.
I mean, terrible news, Lolly,
terrible performance.
Who's next? Shall be gone on
to Mel and Noel?
Yes. That's a nice combo, isn't it?
A lovely combo.
Your time starts now.
We'll start with a little snack.
Mel will have a little snack
before she starts.
Noel's looking at this and wondering
why you would need a foot pump.
Oh, that did come up, actually.
Noel's going to have to do
some of that weird sucking stuff
that makes him feel a bit sick.
I'm going to hose with my mouth,
the water.
Is this water going to poison me?
No.
Noel can't siphon water.
Doesn't know how to do it.
Noel might lie down
and eat chocolate!
Mel's just going to have another
little piece of choc.
Noel really doesn't know
what he's doing.
Mel is a little concerned now.
It nearly came out!
So, Mel is immersing
the rubber glove.
That's rubbish! They've got ruddy
holes in!
WHISTLE BLOWS
Noel doesn't know what he's doing!
APPLAUSE
Erm, some of that weird
sucking stuff...
The chocolate did us,
as soon as we saw chocolate,
we couldn't concentrate.
Yeah. Really?
Interesting. Well, Mel, there was
five litres of water,
you had five minutes, she
transferred 74ml, 1.5% of the water.
1.5%, and that was just one clumsily
sucked up mouthful, wasn't it?
Two. Lovely phrase.
And Noel, 115ml,
so, 2.3%.
How much water did I transfer?
It doesn't matter. Cool.
It's academic. But let me tell you,
not enough.
Write, it's time for the third
commercial break of the show,
some say the best commercial break.
See you soon.
APPLAUSE
Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster,
it's our live task soon,
but first, though, weren't people
shifting water about?
Yes, they were. They've been given
the task of shifting water
from one bowl to another
but without moving the bowls.
One simple rule, Lolly!
Let's see if Hugh and Joe
fared any better.
I think Joe thinks that's quite
successful.
Rubber glove, of course.
Let's hope it's waterproof.
No, it's got holes in it!
We can't use the rubber glove.
Hugh is really quite worried now.
Hugh is hollowing out a baguette.
It's not going to work.
That's terrible.
Never abandon a glove just because
it's got holes in the fingers.
That was horrible.
Hugh is unable to see
how a large bar of cooking chocolate
will help him move water
from one fishbowl to another.
I mean, I've finished it.
Quite a lot of gravel there.
WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
It was horrible.
Yeah, well, I mean, there had been
fish in that for several weeks.
I definitely swallowed some of it.
Yeah, me too!
Yeah, you transferred 97%
of the water,
the other 3%, into you.
APPLAUSE
That's a lot of the water!
Wow. Really incredible,
and you came up
with that system pretty quickly,
just got on the job, transferred all
of the water
without moving the bowl.
Or talking. No talking.
Yeah, I didn't do the talking.
I'm interested in why
is the commentary that he was doing
no longer a necessary part
of the task,
although it was written on the card?
Well, you had to do it, yeah,
in much the same way that when you
go about your day-to-day life,
you should continue breathing.
It's not point-worthy,
so fucking leave it.
You obviously had to move water
from one fishbowl to another,
you obviously go for Joe Lycett.
And you don't listen to bullshit,
you see a man moving water
from one goldfish bowl to another.
OK, you're OK? Yeah, no, I'm fine,
it's just Hugh's wound me up
a little bit.
I should say there is one
other tiny little thing,
there was obviously a rule broken
by Lolly.
There was one other rule in the task
that a few of them flagrantly broke.
Oh, really?
Yeah, do you want to see?
Yes. OK.
You may only use the items
on this table.
Transfer the water
from fishbowl A to fishbowl B.
Mel will have a little snack
before she starts.
Wondering whether she has to use
something on the desk.
Mel's just going to have another
little piece of choc.
APPLAUSE
Lads, that means
I'm in negative points!
I didn't even spot that on the card
because I was too busy commentating.
Guys, how about, because I'm in
negative points anyway...
Yeah? Maybe I should take on Joe's
five points as well, for docking?
Can I say that's a really shit idea?
It doesn't work like that, this
isn't the Good Samaritan.
We make the rules, sausage gloves.
Hey, explore this a bit more.
OK, well, because she ate chocolate,
Mel will go from one point
to minus four,
Lolly stays on zero, Joe goes from
five points to zero,
Noel stays on three and Hugh stays
on four, so he wins the task.
Incredible.
APPLAUSE
And what's that done to our
scoreboard, Alex?
Well, he's only stretched his lead.
He's catchable but he's
on 19 points.
Noel Fielding's still in the lead.
APPLAUSE
Oh, how annoying!
Well, we need to get a solid answer
on today's winner,
so could you please vacate
your seats
and prepare for the final task of
the show!
APPLAUSE
Hello. Hello. We've got some
musicians, Greg.
Oh, well, let's welcome
our musicians, please.
APPLAUSE
Who's going to read the task out,
so we can see where these talented
gentleman fit into the show?
Shall we go for Lolly Adefope?
Yes, please. OK, Lolly...
Can I touch it?
Take it in turns to say a
five-letter word
whenever the music stops.
Oh, great! You may not say a word
that has previously been said.
If you fail to say a word
before the music starts again,
you're eliminated
and the game continues
with different length words.
There's one winner of this task,
one winner will get five points,
that's it.
Can we start with Noel because
he's pacing like a puma.
So, we'll start with Noel.
I will point at you as well, just in
case you don't understand the rules.
It's a five-letter word,
once you're out,
were going to choose a different
length of word.
OK. Good luck, everyone.
Are you ready, everyone? Yeah.
This is a little song called
Midnight.
MUSIC PLAYS
Flood.
Bingo.
Party.
Tasks.
Swede.
Break.
Wembley!
LAUGHTER
I'm out!
Mel, if you could have a seat,
please, you're out.
Oh, so bad!
So, it's Lolly next. We're going
to do six letter words.
As quick as you can, Midnight!
Master.
Carrot.
Doubts.
Fishes.
Fishes?
Yes...
He said fishes. Oh, fishes...
Oh, sorry.
Oh, I was thinking of the plural
of fish.
You might find it useful to put it
into a sentence.
"He fishes, she doesn't know
what a chicken is."
Lolly, if you could have a seat,
please?
Sorry, Lolly! OK, we're going
to start again with Noel.
Seven letter words, off we go,
Midnight.
Frights.
Rabbits.
Sweden's.
Why? Swedens?
Sweden's - it's of Sweden,
it's got a thing in it.
Well, if you're cool, Greg?
All right. No more apostrophes
from now on.
OK, start with Hugh, seven letters.
Let's go.
Caravan.
Wembley.
Parties.
Sweden's.
That's it, he's off, he's off.
That's it, mate!
Sit down.
I self-destructed.
OK, it's the final and this time
we're looking for two letter words.
Two letter words! No!
We're going to start off,
we're starting off with Noel.
Off you go.
Two letter words?
As.
It.
If.
Be.
On.
Of.
APPLAUSE
How did that affect our scores?
Well, it's an amazing situation,
Noel was five points ahead of Joe.
A clear winner, surely?
No, because the score board
now looks like this.
Oh!
Ah, the dreaded tie-break scenario.
Alex? Mm-hm?
Can you sort this mess out, please?
I will, Greg. We thought the best
way to sort this out
would be with wine.
With wine. Not drinking it,
decanting it into another bottle
from atop an umpire's chair.
Right. OK. Yes.
So, they've both done this.
Let's have a look
at the wine tie-break.
You have one minute,
your time starts now.
Shit!
I've never decanted wine in my life.
Oh, that was it.
I could just drink this
and then piss in there.
WHISTLE BLOWS
You've got ten seconds
left right now.
Ten seconds left?
Oh!
APPLAUSE
Noel got more than you'd think
from that technique.
He got, well, 18ml,
including little shards of glass
into the other bottle.
16ml of wine
into the other bottle.
Joe got 79ml of wine.
So, we do have a winner and that
winner, Mr Joe Lycett!
APPLAUSE
I won the show!
Incredible, Joe, you are the
rightful winner
of several subscriptions.
Please make your way to the stage
to collect your prizes!
There it is. That's the end
of another episode.
And the start of a whole new chapter
in our lives together, Greg.
No? No. No, I don't like it,
I don't like the contact.
So, what have we learnt today?
Well, we've learnt that Lolly is
bad at rules,
camouflage and identifying birds.
And that Mel transports meat
in gloves.
That's the end of the show then.
Please clap your hands together
once more for today's winner,
Mr Joe Lycett!
APPLAUSE
Goodbye!
Did I hit a camera?
Subtitles by Ericsson