Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Little Denim Shorts - full transcript

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Hello, I'm Greg Davies and this is
Taskmaster and I am the Taskmaster.

A while ago I decided to ask
some well-known comedians to do

some extraordinary things for
me. Because I am who I am,

they all agreed to
take part instantly.

And that's why
we're all here now.

They have no idea how each other
did but they will soon find out.

I will be judging both what
they did and how they did it.

My word is final, but at times
they will probably get really angry.

LAUGHTER

Let's meet them now.

He's a national treasure, by which
I mean he's older than the others.



It's Frank Skinner!

APPLAUSE

He sounds a lot like Zippy from
Rainbow, it's Josh Widdicombe!

APPLAUSE

I genuinely once returned to my flat

to find her in my
bed eating biscuits

and watching a documentary
on Colditz...

LAUGHTER

..it's Roisin Conaty!

APPLAUSE

He is the least experienced,
but the most constantly angry

of the contestants,
it's Romesh Ranganathan!

APPLAUSE

Sort of a poet, sort of a comedian,
sort of a hair style, Tim Key!



APPLAUSE

As always, I am both aided

and praised by my personal
assistant, Alex Horne, so Alex...

Hello. ..you all right? Yes, yes.

Do you want to have some
banter with the host?

Yes, it says you look a little
bit like a security man.

On with the show!

Tell us about the first task.

OK, so the first task, as
always, is the prize task.

Each of the contestants tonight has

brought in one of their possessions
for the prize haul and whichever one

you judge to be the best of those
prizes will get the first point.

It's supposed to genuinely
mean something to them.

It's supposed to be important to
them. It's bloody important, yeah.

And this time you've asked them to
bring in their most valuable item.

Frank, tell us what you brought in.

I've brought a ring that
I purchased in...

It's a beauty.

WOOING

Lovely, it's gone very
The Price is Right!

I bought it in 2001.

And I think I paid 600 quid for it.

£600 is a hell of a start, though,
isn't it? Is it still worth £600?

Well, we had it valued,
it's currently worth £3,995.

No way!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

LAUGHTER

Yeah, yeah.

The whole game, it's not
quite so funny now, is it?

But it's worth, like, £3,995.

So, basically, 4,000.

Nearly four grand, it's
a hell of an opener.

I mean, to these people,
that's a lot of money. Oh, God.

LAUGHTER

Josh, four grand is a lot to beat.

Yeah, four grand is nothing compared
to mine, because I have taken

the ultimate gamble and I
have signed a blank cheque.

It could be whatever the
morals of the winner dictate.

Well, that's you well and
truly fucked then, isn't it?

I think this is also going to be
one of those things that you think

is a funny idea before the show,
but it's going to backfire.

No. I don't think Frank
Skinner is going to...

No, Frank doesn't need it, but
if I come to the other end...

Hold it!

I don't need it but I like the
idea of Josh no longer having it.

What's the maximum you can do?
It's 20 grand. 20 grand. What?!

Then I would do 20 grand.
No! Aye, aye, aye, aye!

"Well, I'm doing the most valuable,
I'm putting up a cheque."

Well, deal with it, bitch!

Roisin, we've already got
a winner in this round,

what have you brought in?

I've brought in a diamond ring.

WOOING

Right, now, I don't want to sully
the atmosphere in this room

because you and I are friends, but
I know that's not a diamond ring.

How much is it worth, Roisin?

£12.

So, Roisin goes instantly into
last place, so that's fine. Romesh?

I have put up what is
easily the most valuable.

It's a Peugeot 407.

Wow. No way!

Is it yours?
My wife gave it to me.

She doesn't know
that I'm doing this.

How much is Romesh's car worth?

The car is currently worth £590,
cos it's not a good car.

Oh, what? It's not a good
car and it's 14 years old.

LAUGHTER

Roisin, comfortably
still in last place.

Tim what did you bring in?
I brought eight copies of my book.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

How much does your book retail at?

Well, I mean, when it first went on
sale we were all fairly positive...

£8.99, I think. Do you know?

Yeah, they're currently
on for £3.50 on Amazon.

You can get them for £3.50.
But these are signed, are they?

I can sign 'em, yeah.

I signed my cheque!

We got any indication of how much
Tim's signature would add to the...

I would say in total they're going
to be between the £12 and the car.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the winner of that first round is

Mr Josh Widdicombe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This means that the
leaderboard looks like this.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, all of
these prizes will be taken home

by the winner tonight and something
they may come to regret.

They're on display up there.

Ladies and gentlemen, those are
our prizes up on the balcony.

WOOING

Time for the first big
task, ladies and gentlemen.

Task one proper.

BAD SCI-FI MOVIE MUSIC

Oh, my... Wow.

What the?

Exciting, isn't it?

Oh, mate, I used to dream about
stuff like this happening as a kid.

Aliens sending me mail.

'Get this boulder as far from
this place as possible.

'You have one hour,
your time starts now.'

Oh, my God.

APPLAUSE

Yes, at the Taskmaster Mansion I had
a massive boulder I wanted moving,

why wouldn't I have a massive
boulder I wanted moving?

Let's see how Roisin Conaty
handled that challenge.

Hello, I was wondering if I
could order a courier please?

I need the one after a transit
van I reckon, or a transit van?

Do you reckon I would get that
in a transit? Camber Sands.

Bear with me one moment.

Will you map it and just see how
long it is? There we go, two hours.

Yeah, sorry, can I not have it
Camber Sands actually, sorry.

Cos that's two hours away, I need it
to go somewhere that's an hour away.

Can I call you back in
like five minutes?

You've got... Loads of time? 48
minutes left. OK, let's go inside.

The thing is, though,
even if I order a courier,

they're not going to
get here in an hour.

Well, not if you don't call them.

Hello, I called a moment
ago about ordering a deli...

Collection. It's one sort of
large item. It's a boulder.

I'll have to call you back in
two minutes then just to confirm.

Sorry about that, I need
to check just to make sure

that we've got the quickest time.
Thank you so much. Bye, bye.

How long will they be?

45 to 60 minutes.

Oh, right, you've
got 32 minutes left.

LAUGHTER

I've just got two quick
questions for you.

Where is the boulder at this
stage in the challenge?

Still in the garage.
It's still in the garage.

28 minutes have passed and it's
still in the garage and my second

question is, why was your first
instinct to take it to Camber Sands?

LAUGHTER

I'd been googling Camber
Sands the day before.

What? Why had you been googling it?

Cos I wanted a day trip.

Were you taking the rock
back to its natural habitat?

LAUGHTER

Let's see what the Master's
got in store for us

in the second part of
the challenge.

Oh. Oh, dear. I've messed
this up so bad.

So, after 28 minutes of
debate and establishing that

she would ideally like to
get it to Camber Sands,

Roisin then decided to roll the
boulder, that was the plan B.

Alex, how far did
Roisin get the boulder?

In an hour she moved
the boulder 300 yards.

It's 200,000 yards away...
So just shy of Camber Sands.

Just shy of the target.
I mean, I knew I made a mistake.

I tried to act on impulse -
just get a courier and get it out.

But you're trying to act on impulse

and it was still in the garage
after 28 minutes. Amazing.

I'm not a betting man,

but I think we've found our
last place for this round.

OK, everyone, stop.
We're having a break.

See you in a minute
for the conclusion.

Welcome back to Taskmaster,
we missed you.

But enough of that,
on with the show.

Alex, who was next?

We're going to have a look at
Romesh and Frank together,

cos they had slightly
more lateral thinking.

Is there a wheelbarrow in the shed?

Yeah.

Can I get someone to
take this for me?

I'm thinking about
phoning up someone.

Could you search van
plus driver hire?

I've got van Persie.

Van Persie? No.

A man with a van removal
service in Chiswick.

OK, so, it says contact Mo.

Good morning, I'm trying to get a
facsimile boulder on to a train.

It's a boulder.

Here he is.
Are you Mo? Yes.

Hello, Mo. Listen, I
need a massive favour.

I need to get that boulder as
far away from here as possible.

So, if I put it in
the back of your van,

we came from that direction,
you've got ten minutes to get

it as far away in that
direction as possible.

God speed, Mo!

And it's already progress in that
they were moving whilst thinking.

He got just the luck of the
drawer that he got a courier.

I phoned a lot of couriers,
Alex, you know I tried a lot.

Well, you phoned one courier and then
you phoned them back and then you...

Oh, no, and then
you phoned them back.

How many couriers did you try?
Two or three, I think.

Oh, on the third one, Mo came good?

Yeah, but Mo, I'm going to be honest
with you, Mo was a nice guy,

but he was a liar.

Like, he told me he was
going to be five minutes,

five minutes later I call
him, he says ten minutes.

I said, "Mo, you get your story
straight and then tell me

"when you're going to be here."
How many minutes was it?

Well, he wheelbarrowed it for 50
minutes and then put it in a

van for ten and the other way round
would have been a lot quicker.

Yes, I know that.

LAUGHTER

Did you have to look at
the iPad for that fact?

No, listen, listen...

You got a courier in 50 minutes, he
showed up to pick up a boulder

in 50 minutes, it's an
incredible turnaround.

When he turned up he said, "You'll
never guess, some crazy shithead

"wanted me to go to Camber Sands."

Shall we see how Mo actually did?
Perhaps you're being unfair to Mo?

Perhaps he's nailed this for you?

I've put it on a map exactly how
far your boulder went, Romesh.

You wheelbarrowed it for a mile in 50
minutes which is quite impressive.

That's impressive.
While on the phone to Mo.

Who then drove it for 2.4 miles.
Unfortunately the direction...

LAUGHTER

It's not great.

Do you understand why
I can't deal with Mo?

Mo is a prick!

Before you give poor Mo any
more grief than you've already

given him, we all saw
your instructions to Mo

and you said, "Drive in that
direction." So it's my fault?

You'd already turned left, yeah.

Just to be absolutely crystal
clear, all of this is your fault.

LAUGHTER

Just to say that Frank did actually
get on the train with the boulder,

didn't you, Frank? Mmm.
Yeah, that was commitment.

A man said to me, "What's that?"

And I said, "Well, it's a boulder."

And he said, "What's a boulder?"

And he said, "Is
it like a big rock?"

And I thought that was the
definition I was grasping for,

so I nodded.

How far did Frank get it?
Frank got it 6.5 miles

to Feltham which is quite impressive.

APPLAUSE

Frank's in the lead at this point.

At this point Frank is
in the lead, yeah.

Lovely. Shall we see how
Josh and Tim got on? OK.

Well, I was thinking helium
balloons. That's a good idea.

And then it gets a lot of distance.

How many helium
balloons would we need?

We'd need a lot.

And I just need to order a cab,
as quickly as possible to arrive

and then I'll pay for them to drive
for an hour west, down the M4.

Oh, I think this is a good idea.

I think once it's up, it'll
gather momentum pretty quickly.

Do you want me to get it?

It's a shame, though. Do you
want to lift the other side

and we'll just...
Get it up? Yeah.

Just at least get it started.

Ready? Yep.
One, two, three.

I'm going to have a crunch cream.

We need to put the rock on the van.

Please can you help me put
the rock on the van? OK.

Here he is!

Thank you.

27 minutes. It's exciting, isn't it?

How long did you piss around
with those balloons?

Pissed around for about
half an hour, I think.

No, maybe 40 minutes.

Once Tim stopped with the balloons,
how far did he get it in your van?

Yeah, so once he put it on
my van, it went 2.3 miles,

which is just ahead of Romesh
because of the problems with Mo.

What I was most impressed
with you, Josh,

was that you were totally unfazed
and never at any point did

you consider moving the
boulder yourself. No.

It's not a criticism, I think

you're like a general letting
other people do the work.

I hate to say it, but I think I'm
probably what makes Britain great.

You can see where it
was after an hour.

It's in Windsor.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, a very clear
winner of that task and a brilliant

effort by all of our contestants,
but the winner, very clearly,

Mr Josh Widdicombe.

APPLAUSE

Alex, how are the scores looking?

I've updated the scoreboard,
we can see it up there.

Josh is well in the
lead at the moment.

So, there we go.

APPLAUSE

What's the next task? We can have
a look at the next task now.

'Grow the longest nail.

'You have ten weeks,
your time starts now.'

It's genuinely excellent news to me,

because I have strangely
long big toes.

That's right. A genuinely
disgusting task.

Let's see how they get
on after the break.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Now, before the break we revealed
that our five contestants

have been competing to
grow the longest nail.

Frank, how did you get on?

Oh! Wow.

Would you like to have a
look at that, Greg?

I mean, I would like
to have a closer look

but already from here I'm disgusted.

Oh. Urgh, cos you've got
quite feminine hands as well.

Well, I've never done a
day's work in my life.

Is this a trick of the camera?

Have you put a picture in front
of the camera of a 60-year-old

woman's thumb?

It's 2.1 centimetres long.
Frank is 2.1 centimetres.

Josh, can we see your nail? Oh, no.

Oh, no. Could I just say that
this is probably the worst thing

you're ever going to see.

Oh!

It looks like an owl's foot!
It actually looks like talons.

Do you want to touch it?

It looks like an old man's
thumb has been put on...

2.8 centimetres.

APPLAUSE

I mean, well done. Cheers mate.
Well done for living with that.

How did Roisin get on?
I bit mine.

So, Roisin crashes in at
last place, I would imagine.

1.8 centimetres.

1.8 centimetres for Roisin.

APPLAUSE

Romesh, what you got for us?

Let me show you, there
you go. I've decorated it.

Oh, my God, it's curled over!

That's supposed to be like a face.

Why has it curled over?! Urgh!
Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?

I did a...

That's supposed to be a face,
before like if I put dots

and like a smile on it.

A couple more weeks' growth, you're
going to be able to hang from that.

Would you mind measuring
that, Romesh? Not at all.

That is just the most horrifying
thing I've ever seen.

Oh, you can shut your mouth!

2.2 centimetres. Wow.

Impressive.

How did Tim get on?
I couldn't do this one.

For religious reasons? No, but
I've got a note of exemption.

Do you want me to
read it? Yes, please.

'Tim Key, who was employed as an
actor in Daniel Kitson's production

'of Tree at the Old Vic Theatre
in London, the character

'he portrayed was a nervous man who
would bite his nails anxiously.

'As such he was unable to
undertake the task.

'Thank you, Jen.' Jennifer Tate.

APPLAUSE

I saw Tree. Yeah.

And you were with me that night.
I was with you, yeah.

It's a fabulous play,
I was enthralled, The Guardian.

LAUGHTER

But you wore shoes throughout.

Yes, I saw that. So you
could have grown a toenail.

You have to have, like, a
back story to the character

and so I was biting them as well.

What were you hoping was
going to come out of

the whole excuse note thing?

Well, I thought there'd be
like a general voided round.

I'm not going through that
to have it voided off.

Without question the winner of that
is Josh 'Repulsive Feet' Widdicombe.

APPLAUSE

Alex, has that affected the scores?

Well, we're halfway and
here's the scoreboard.

Josh is in the lead at the moment.
So there we go.

APPLAUSE

What was next? OK, let's
have a look at the next task.

Hello. Hello.

Hello, Alex. Hello.
How are you?

Hello. Hello.

Hi, Frank. All right?

'Make this bed to a hotel
standard while holding hands.

'Your time ends when you get
into the bed. Fastest wins.

'Hold hands now...'
Wait, I don't understand.

We've got to make the
bed holding hands.

Do all three of us have to be in
a chain the whole time? Yes.

'Hold hands now,
your time starts now.'

Good to see you, Frank.

Good to see you. I feel you've
already got an advantage. Why?

Well, because I've put my
right hand out of action.

You've got yours.
Oh, but I'm left handed. Oh.

Then we've made a terrible
error. Terrible error.

APPLAUSE

How did we decide how to
group the people together?

Well, it's kind of a
maths thing again.

That Frank and Tim, their ages,

they add up to 100 as do
the three of these guys.

I'm 24. Yeah.

Start with the youngsters.

Oh hang on, shit, watch out,
watch out! It doesn't matter.

It's a hotel standard, don't
want tennis court on it.

We can dust it off.

I mean, they haven't said which hotel
cos that's Travelodge all over that.

So you want this? OK, Rom?
Yes, I've got it. Got that?

Ready. Got it. Wait,
let me get my corner.

Ready? Got it?
I've definitely got it.

Wait, wait, wait. I can help.
You don't need to shake it.

Right, have a shake.

You just said, "You don't need to
shake" now you want us to shake. OK.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to get the pillow on!

You're just moving the sheet
up and down the pillow.

The buttons are wrong,
the buttons are wrong.

It's not. It is. Why is there this
loose flap here? There's a hole.

This is what's wrong with the world.

Let's just enjoy ourselves.

Go on, Rois, put some
fuckin' effort in.

Right, done. Pillows.

OK, let me swap, then you
do the pillows. Let me hold Josh's.

Auld Lang Syne! Right.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. There we go.

No, we want me in the middle,
we want me in the middle. Why? No.

You two let go, you two
let go of each other.

There you go, I'm in the middle. Go.
No. I'm in the middle.

Oh, are you in the
middle? Yes. OK.

Duvet first or pillow first?
OK. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh my God!

Oh, my God! Brilliant.

I've dreamed of this moment.

Bend your leg so we can get the
duvet over. Oh, OK. Oh, no!

I'm stopping the clock. There we
are. I think that was all right.

That was really good going.

We're at a massive
disadvantage to these two. No.

How are you at a
massive disadvantage?

Cos there's three people.

You've got a third person whose
hands are both out of action

and you're just dragging them
along. It's more difficult.

If you had a three-legged race,
that would be easier than a...

But you're suggesting that the
person in the middle is a hindrance.

Yes. They had a massive
advantage, having three.

You have to keep moving people
around to put in the middle.

Yeah, for a start you had
three intelligent people to

work on the task. Yeah.

We had one. Secondly,
wingspan is an advantage.

Yeah, in case you want to take a
quick fly in-between the sheets.

I saw an albatross make a
bed like that in 34 seconds.

You're almost suggesting
that a crab would be

better off without its
middle section.

That's exactly what
I'm saying. Yeah.

Let's see how two people got on.

If this has got gravel on it, is it
still made to a hotel standard?

Oh, my God. This is going to be
the hardest bit, isn't it?

Getting under the mattress.

Was there a dog there
that we didn't notice?

Is that a pillow?

I got it, I got it. OK.

OK, yeah, if you hold that, give
me this hand and you hold it.

This is why conjoined twins just
use those double sleeping bags.

It won't be the first time I've
left saliva on a hotel pillow.

Oh, here it is, there it is.
Yeah, this is going to be...

Look, if I take the other corner...

OK, I'm going to go in
here. Hang on, hang on.

I'll tell you what, if you give me
that corner... No, no, no, no, no!

Yeah, that'll be good.

This is what you
need to do, isn't it?

Wait, wait, wait.
Is it in? I think it's in.

OK. I don't know why
you're not on the bed.

I think we need to start buttoning.
This is buttoning.

So, you start buttoning up there then
and I'll start buttoning up this end.

Yeah, but I can't button
with just one... Can I?

You can use your thigh
as a buttoning table.

What was that phrase, Frank?

You can use your thigh as a
buttoning table. Thank you.

That's fine, isn't it?
Don't be fussy, Frank.

I'd be happy to walk into a hotel
and see that. Are we done?

Yeah. I'm not sure if you've
read the task properly. Oh.

Oh, we lie in the bed. We have to
get into it, we have to get into it!

Do we have to got to sleep?
Stop the clock!

Goodnight, Tim.
Goodnight, Frank.

I'm tempted to give an extra
point for goodnight, Frank.

It was genuinely a lovely,
sweet moment.

Who did it the fastest? Let's give
it to the winners based on that.

Two points for the winners depending
on who made it the fastest.

They were both a high standard
as far as I'm concerned.

The children took 16 minutes
and three seconds.

Incredible. The grown-ups,
ten minutes and 57 seconds.

Oh. Well, there you go,
fair winners. Fair winners.

Alex, what are the scores?

OK, well, if we have a look
here you can see the leader is

Mr Josh Widdicombe.

I've got this.
Time for another task.

How are you? Good, thanks.

Oh.

'Make this Swedish person blush.'

'Make this Swedish pershon...'

I've already got the accent.

'Make this Swedish person
blush as deeply...

'Make this Swedish person blush
as deeply as possible.'

Are you Swedish? Yeah.
I love Swedes. Good.

'You have ten minutes,
your time starts now.'

My God, that's impossible.

Josh, my feeling is just from
that tiny little moment there,

that you are the most
uncomfortable with this task.

It was the worst ten
minutes of my life.

Let's see the tension between
Josh and a Swedish man.

So, let's talk about
embarrassment, then.

Uh-huh. Have you ever had sex?

Yeah. Have you seen any of
the Emmanuelle movies? No.

OK. How do you imagine
Alex Horne's naked body?

Never. But you are now?
Yeah, I am now.

Yeah, so what are you picturing now?

How do you feel about
the communal showers?

No problem with that, no. No?

It's quite weird cos it's
difficult to know what...

So, who would be your
dream celebrity in bed?

No idea actually. There's
no celebrities you fancy?

Not really. Claudia Winkleman?
Don't know.

You don't know who
Claudia Winkleman is? No.

Um...

WHISTLE

He's a tough nut to crack.

Thanks, Josh. No worries,
that was the toughest task yet.

That's not helped. Oh, no.

See you later.

Do you fancy Claudia Winkleman?
Let's not go into that.

I mean, they're interesting frames
of sexual reference for you.

Alex Horne, the Emmanuelle films.

I mean, they are 1970s
soft porn films.

Communal showers and then the leap
to Claudia Winkleman intrigued me.

I'm sweating so much now!

Let's see how Frank
and Romesh got on.

Hello.

Will you do whatever I ask
you to do? Probably not.

Probably not? No.

What kind of things make you
blush, would you say? Don't know.

What about somebody speaks
to you really close up,

don't you find that a bit strange?

Your ears are completely
devoid of hair!

What are you like with
physical contact?

Oh, that's fine, yeah.

That make you feel weird?

Fred, I'm worried that I'm
getting a bit of a pot belly,

what do you think?

It's fine.

Is there a reason you're not
making eye contact with me?

Not really, no.
I could make eye contact.

Now we're getting on, aren't we?
We're really getting on.

I have a surprisingly bulbous vein
on my private parts.

But it almost exactly resembles the
point where the A40 joins the A315.

I once got it out in a park to
explain to a lady directions

and it led to a court case.

How does that make you feel? Yeah.

I mean, I've got no idea.

I'm either going to make him blush
or I'm going to sleep with him.

I don't know which one
it's going to be.

You know what I'm talking
about, though, don't you?

Fred, I think you
might have beaten me.

I've got 30 seconds
to embarrass you.

I'm going to nuzzle,
you ready for the nuzzle?

Nuzzle, nuzzle, nuzzle,
nuzzle, nuzzle!

Come on, Fred. Freddy.

I'm sorry. No worries.

I can only apologise, but that
was just for the task, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But if you want to go for a
drink or whatever, let me know.

I mean, it's so tough, this one.
Yeah, I'm not proud of that.

I mean, you look proud of it.

I thought we got on,
I really thought we did.

But what was disappointing
was how little he blushed

and so the thing is I realised that
I was just touching him a lot and

he wasn't blushing at all and I just
thought I'm just groping a dude now.

I'm not achieving anything
in the task, it was horrible.

See, I thought that he was blushing,
but only from the neck down.

Was anyone else surprised
Frank Skinner's got

the belly of a 15-year-old boy?

Powerful homo-eroticism,
I really enjoyed it.

Be interesting to see if a poet
comes in at a different angle.

Let's have a look at Tim.

Say something in Swedish.

HE SPEAKS IN SWEDISH

Can you say something else?

OK, can you say in Swedish,
this is my apartment?

HE SPEAKS IN SWEDISH

Make yourself comfortable.

HE SPEAKS IN SWEDISH

I'm going to pour us
both some sherry.

HE SPEAKS IN SWEDISH

Uh-huh. I want you to say, I like...

Can you say, I like to...

Hang on. Let me get this right.

I like to parade around
in my little denim shorts.

Are you blushing?

Say, when I get half a chance,

I like to parade around in my
little denim jeans, waving.

HE SPEAKS IN SWEDISH

Have you ever been handcuffed? No.
Have you ever been whipped? No.

Smothered in chocolate? No.
Licked? No.

Kicked? No.
Kissed? No.

Look at me. Yes.

Now look at my lips.

I wish I'd kissed him.

If I had my chance again,
just go and blow on his lips.

But actually looking at it,
I think he was blushing.

I'll just write that down,

"If I had my chance again,
I would have blown on his lips."

Yeah, it's a strange regret to have.

Let's see if the woman in the
group took a different approach.

Have you ever met anyone
with three breasts? No.

Would you like to see someone
with three breasts?

Yeah.

What about four? Is that too many?

Yeah, that's too much.
Three's OK, though?

Three is OK.
Four, out of the question. OK.

What about if you put your
head in between your legs?

Not for dirty reasons,
just to colour it up.

Yeah. Get a flush going.

So, four breasts is
too much? Yeah.

Three is sufficient? Yeah.

Where would you have the third?
In the middle or round the back?

In the middle. All right.
Same size or just a mini one?

Oh, why not a mini one?

Yeah, yeah, getting there.

Whoa. Thank you. I think that's...

I'm going to go with
that as my finish.

But you're stopping with
four minutes to go, Rois.

That's fine, thank you very much,
Frederic, it was very red.

Roisin was the only person who
thought to physically make him

go red by applying
science, in a way.

And I'm glad you thought of that,

because I would
argue that without that,

mentioning a withered back breast
may not have done it.

I'm not very good at being sexy,
so I was just trying to unnerve him,

just make him feel like, "Oh, I
don't know what she's going to say."

Yeah, like you've got a
mini tit on your back.

I want him to look worried that I
might sort of get a back boob out.

Thank God you used science.

I suspect you may have nailed this,
but, Alex, show us the blush chart.

Yeah, we can see, Roisin did
make him go the reddest.

Josh got him to jasmine shimmer.

Then it's cherry blossom for Tim,
fantasy rose for Frank,

puce for Romesh and ballet slipper
slash sangria from Roisin.

Those are the exact bits,
so Roisin wins.

So, the winner is
Old Back Tit Conaty.

Remember someone is walking
out of here with a cheque for

probably £20,000 and a ring worth
almost £4,000 and a cheap shit ring.

See you after the break for
the final part of the show

and the final task.

Welcome back to Taskmaster, where
one of these comedians will be

driving home in Romesh's
absolutely rubbish car.

Alex, who's in the lead so far?

OK, so Josh and Frank
have both got 16 points.

APPLAUSE

Some of our comics can't win now,
but very much playing for pride.

But shall we get Roisin
to read out the task?

Why not. Do you mind
reading that out?

Have I been reduced to admin?
Yes, you have, yes.

It's just to make you feel
a bit more special.

Right. 'Blow up the biggest
balloon whilst blindfolded.

'You have 100 seconds and
one balloon.' Simple task.

That's a good task.

So, you've got exactly 100
seconds to blow the biggest

balloon you can from the moment
that Alex blows the whistle.

Yeah, there are a couple of things,
you only have one balloon.

At the end of the 100 seconds,
the balloon must be tied.

And if the balloon does burst,
it won't be the biggest bubble.

I'm absolutely terrified
of blowing up balloons.

You idiot. So, it's time to...

LAUGHTER

Can I say, we're tightly locked
in the lead and he's asthmatic

and he's frightened of balloons,
I'm feeling good.

Are you more or less frightened
of balloons than physical

contact with another man?

Oh, I'd prefer contact
with another man to...

Hold on, do we have a choice now?
You didn't say that before.

And do we have to tie the end?

So, shall we start?

So, if you want to don your
blindfolds now, please.

Balloons being handed out now.
Can I ask you, is this upside down?

No, that's all right,
you're fine, you're good.

OK, there's your balloon.

If you drop a Swedish guy's testes
into my hand, I'm going to be...

Just to remind you, you must
tie the balloon at the end

and then hold it in front of
you with the knot down.

Can I just check everyone
else is still here?

Why don't you put your hand
out behind Roisin and see

if you can feel her little
breasts and then you'll know.

Oh, I'm loving this.

Start the competition.

WHISTLE

Oh, lovely! Come on!

You have one minute left.
One minute left.

One minute left!

I'm terrified!

SCREECHING

HE SCREECHES

You've got to keep your nerve.
How many seconds left, Alex?

They have 40 seconds left.
40 seconds.

You must tie the balloon.
Frank is tying, Frank is tying.

It's very early to be tying.
You've got 25 seconds left.

25 seconds left. They're
struggling with the balloons.

Stop this! Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it!

What's happening?
You've got ten seconds.

Ten seconds. Four, three, two...

One big last cheer,
ten seconds left!

CHEERING

You must hold your balloon
at the side now. That's fine.

That was one of the most terrifying
things that's ever happened to me.

You may now take your blindfolds off.

Oh, well, I've had a nightmare.

I think it's safe to say
Widdicombe has blown his lead.

Can you all re-take
your chairs, please?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the balloon blowers.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back. Incredibly
tense balloon task.

Alex, who won the task?

In a lovely way, Roisin won the
task, she won the honour back,

so well done, Roisin. Roisin Conaty.

CHEERING

Well done. Thank you. Thanks, guys.

Really, really nice balloon blowing.
Thank you.

I was quite patronising
when I said that,

but I didn't mean to, I was
just pleased for your honour.

It's cos you've done so badly in all
the others. Yeah, yeah.

Tim came second,

although Tim didn't tie the
balloon during the 100 seconds.

Oh. Oh, dear. That is a shame.
Sorry. So, what happens now?

That means you don't get
any points in that round.

Josh Widdicombe came last
with a tiny little balloon.

Well, of course he did,
did you see the size of it?

I was hoping that I'd be
the only one that didn't pop.

Romesh came second last
and Frank Skinner came third. Wow.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But let's see how that has
affected the final scores because

someone is going home with a car,
a ring and a whole lot of money.

Alex, can you reveal the final
scores this week? OK, here we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner
of Taskmaster, Mr Frank Skinner!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How do you feel? Fantas... Is the
car still registered in your name?

Yeah. Maybe I'll do a
hit-and-run on the way home.

I mean, why wouldn't you?

Well, thank you, everyone,
especially to you, Alex.

Thank you. Um... That's what it says.

And Frank Skinner will now go
and collect his prizes.

APPLAUSE

There you go,
that's the end of the show.

Thank you for watching and don't
forget, the humblest of tasks

get beautified if
loving hands do them.

Never forget that.

Goodnight and well done,
Mr Frank Skinner!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Ericsson