Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Down an Octave - full transcript
Greg Davies lays down tricky tasks to a gaggle of comics. Josh Widdicombe and Frank Skinner are two of the poor souls who have to fill an eggcup with tears.
TASKMASTER
CTO M850A/82
BF000000
DRAMATIC THEME MUSIC
Hello, I'm Greg Davies, this is
Taskmaster and I am the Taskmaster.
For many years now,
I've been getting other comedians
to do things for me,
things like cleaning and cooking
and decorating my flat.
Now, for the first time,
we've filmed them doing it.
Over the past few months, I have set
a series of challenging tasks
to five challenged comedians.
They have no idea how each other did
but they will soon find out.
I am in charge
and they need to remember that.
Let's meet them now. First up,
a man who is technically not yet
a pensioner,
the legend that is Frank Skinner.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE
Next, a man who still gets ID'd
when he buys vodka and knives,
it's Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE
Once, when she was drunk,
she offered me a pasta meal
which she was going to put
every conceivable meat into,
it's Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE
He is a father, a son
and a very angry man,
Romesh Ranganathan.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE
And finally,
a man who's sort of quite handsome
but also sort of not, it's Tim Key!
CHEERING & APPLAUSE
I'm both aided and comforted
by my personal assistant Alex Horne.
Mm-hm.
Alex? Yes. Erm...
What? Do you want some banter
or straight in with the show?
Er, one of each? Erm...
I feel... I feel like I have learnt
so much from you.
OK, so the show,
erm, the first task, as always,
is a prize task.
Each of the contestants has brought
one of their own possessions
for the prize haul.
One of them will be awarded
points by you, Greg,
the one whose prize
impresses you the most.
Does that make sense? Sort of.
This is their own stuff.
The winner's takes it all home
so it makes it genuinely tense,
doesn't it, everyone?
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
Good. You've asked them to bring in
their most beautiful item.
Mr Skinner, what have you brought in
that's beautiful?
I've brought in
a country mouse-themed
vacuum cleaner cover.
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God!
You genuinely bought this?
I was blown away by it,
as they say in the vacuum world.
Surely sucked. Er, well...
No, look at her. What?!
It looks like a very coy badger.
It looks like a badger that's
sniffing its tits, doesn't it?
Josh, what have you brought in
for us that's beautiful?
A specially-commissioned
piece of art. No way. Yeah.
I have a magic eye of Greg Davies.
LAUGHTER
If you stare deep enough,
you'll see Greg Davies
as naked as the day he was born.
I can see it and it's beautiful.
I'm going to accept it's a picture
of me. It's a lovely offering.
Roisin, what beautiful item
have you brought us?
I've brought a cardigan that is the
most beautiful thing I've ever owned
and I get more compliments for it
than anything.
Isn't it incredible, right?
I've been stopped in the street
more for wearing this cardigan
than for anything I've ever done
on television. OK.
I think you should take that less
as a compliment on your cardigan
and more of a - Shut up!
Anyone who saw you is going to go,
"I'll talk to this crazy harlequin."
Is that a nice cardigan?
AUDIENCE CHEER
Yes, those 12 women agree with you.
Who thinks it's an awful cardigan?
LOUD CHEERING
It's a brilliant cardigan
if you need to hide in a church.
LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE
Romesh, what beautiful item
have you brought us?
When my wife gave birth
to our first son...
Oh! Erm...
That is such a lovely story. Go on.
Well, it doesn't have a happy ending
unfortunately,
because he is a shithead now but...
LAUGHTER
..my mother in law bought us
a little statuette
to symbolise the love
between mother and child,
and that is what I've brought.
My wife doesn't look like that.
She hasn't got a perfect sphere
for a head. No.
It's a beautiful little piece
and also symbolic of maternal love,
and that's why I've brought it.
You are not this person at all!
LAUGHTER
I'm just showing another side
of myself. I don't want to be
persecuted for that.
I don't want to ruin the birth of
your children, but it's a horrible
piece of tat, isn't it?
APPLAUSE
Tim, what have you brought in?
I can tell you now
you're not going to be last.
Are you shitting me right now?
I've brought a flight to Cologne
to visit the cathedral.
JOSH LAUGHS
Oh, my God, that is genuine!
Why is it in Romesh's name?
Why has it got my name on it?
I went to Cologne four years ago
and witnessed the cathedral
and it is the most beautiful thing
I've seen,
so I've just booked a flight,
currently for Romesh, to just...
It's a day trip.
It leaves at seven
from Luton Airport.
You get a full day there.
Yeah, you get a full day there.
Actually, I do live nearer Gatwick,
though.
Sorry. Sorry, Romesh.
I'd like to win it.
What happens if Roisin does win?
She'll go to Cologne.
She'll have to disguise herself
as Romesh.
Easy, mate.
I'll just rant everywhere...
"Rrragh!" ..on the plane.
That's not the biggest different,
by the way.
LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE
I got the type of ticket
where you can change the name,
but I had to book it
in someone's name initially
because it looks weird
if you book a ticket just saying,
"Who's going? I don't know.
"Just save a seat.
See who wins this quiz I'm in."
I'll make some judgements, shall I?
Do you want to do fifth place next?
It feels you've made that decision.
Do I need to?
No. Fine. I've got that. OK.
Hold on! W-What... Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What's fifth?
What's fifth? What is fifth?
What's fifth?
You'll find out in a minute.
I'm going to read the others out.
In second place, it's Josh,
because I'm taking him on his word
that it's a picture of me.
If it's not,
he'll answer to me after the show.
I'll give the tit-sniffing
badger-cover third place.
Obviously, Roisin's awful cardigan
comes in fourth
and the, er, vile ornament fifth.
Simple.
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner
of the first round - Mr Tim Key!
APPLAUSE
Deservedly so, I think.
All of the beautiful prizes
are up there, looking beautiful.
You can have a look at them now
just to whet your appetite,
really get you worked up.
The winner will stagger up
to collect their winnings
and the others will be
very, very sad.
Let's start the show proper.
What's the first task?
The first task is... Well, let's see.
Shall we see it? Yeah. OK.
JAUNTY MUSIC
A block of ice.
Ice?
"Make this ice block disappear
as fast as possible."
"You have one hour.
Your time starts now."
Kettle. On.
Hot water is surely the best way.
There's no fire, is there?
What's "disappeared"?
When you can't see them any more.
Do you want it melted?
It's up to you, Tim.
So obviously, you know, this is
a temperature-raising exercise.
I picked that up straight away.
Pretty straightforward -
make it disappear.
Are you feeling confident, Frank?
I've already thought of
three mistakes I made.
LAUGHTER
The tie?
LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE
Who shall we see first?
Shall we look at Frank and Josh?
Why don't we clump them together?
"I think melting is good."
I ought to stop, though, because
my instinct is just to go for it
and I feel that cleverer people
think,
"Oh, I know a good thing to do."
There's a bath in there.
I'm going to put it in the bath
and deal with in there
with water and heat.
This is actually quite difficult.
It's quite slippy.
Could you help? Yeah.
Are you able to get that end of it?
Yeah.
We probably better not put it in
too heavily.
I'm assuming there's hot water.
I'm just going to basically operate
a...
get-as-much-hot-water-on-it-
as-possible manoeuvre.
It does fly.
I'm going to try this in the oven.
I'm leaving this in the sink.
Erm...
I've got boiling water in a wok
coming through.
The oven's a bit disappointing.
Smash this up a bit more.
Leave that in there simmering.
Right, so that bit's going, gone.
It's just this bit here
and then we're done.
Done! Done! Stop the clock. OK.
I've never done, erm, ice in the...
in the oven before.
I'd have thought that would go
really quickly.
Hot, isn't it, you'd think?
Look. Ooh.
Look at that, just that last bit.
That's really close now.
Really close.
I think... Has it gone?
I can still see it.
Can you still see it?
No. I can't see it now.
Thank you, Frank. Thanks very much.
Do you want a drink? Water?
I'm just going to drink
straight out the oven!
Very similar, that was.
If you look at it in isolation,
it looks like a documentary
of two men having a breakdown.
It wasn't far off!
17 minutes and four seconds...
WHISTLING
..melting the block.
Frank, 27 minutes and 28 seconds.
Still under half an hour. Really?
How was Josh better than Frank?
It looked like Frank -
He melted it quicker. Ah!
That's how this works! Yes. OK.
Who are we seeing next? Er...
Very impressive start, I thought.
Let's have a look at Roisin. Why not?
Alex, will you help me carry
this block of ice?!
I'll... You hold this
and I'll try and tip it in. Sure.
I'm ready.
Am I over it? Am I over it?
Lovely. That's getting it.
It's working. Is it?
Oh, my God!
SHE LAUGHS
Am I doing this completely wrong?
Just hold for that one second, Alex.
Have you got it? OK? Uh-huh.
JOSH: Very similar.
I imagine this was what it was like
on the set of Frozen.
Alex? Will you fill the kettle
for me please, Alex?
Can you also take this pot in
and boil me up a pot of water,
please?
Basically,
pressing the hose directly on it...
Hold on, I've got hair in my mouth.
Alex can you take the hair
out of my mouth, please?
Will you take the hose and thing,
put that down,
and this one, you've got to keep
this one directly on it.
Look at it. Oh, that's lovely.
Maybe I've discovered a new skill -
ice sculpture.
I'd like to call this one Hope.
I think we're done, guys.
I can't see any more ice.
Congratulations.
I've stopped the clock.
APPLAUSE
First things first,
you know Frozen is a cartoon, right?
LAUGHTER
Yes. Just checking in.
I thought it was one of your
strongest performances to date.
We were a good team, weren't we?
We were! Thanks, Alex!
I don't know how much...
I don't know how fair it is
to be using Alex to that extent.
He is your PA. He is MY PA.
He only helped me a little bit -
Only helped you a little?!
He took the hair out of your mouth!
Down an octave!
LAUGHTER
It's great bringing the water
to the ice.
She never broke the ice at all.
It was beautiful, but it was slow.
What was the time, then?
It was just over half an hour.
30 minutes and 20 seconds. Oh!
Shame, because it was otherwise...
..uncharacteristically competent.
Alex, before we go into the break,
could you answer me a question?
Mm-hm.
How many baked beans
do you think there are in a can?
In a can of baked beans? Yes.
There is no way of knowing
that sort of thing.
There is if you're the Taskmaster.
See you after the break.
"Count the baked beans.
Your time starts now."
Four, five...
LAUGHTER
Three.
That's four... 97. 401.
There are 406 beans
in a baked bean tin.
Welcome back to Taskmaster. Thanks
for that, Josh. Much appreciated.
Right - Did no-one else do that?
No!
Are you kidding?
What?
On with the show. No!
What's the matter, mate?
Are you joking?
You looked like
you were having a lovely time.
Right - Are we not getting
any points for that? That's correct.
We're getting closer to finding out
who's going home
with Frank Skinner's
vacuum cleaner cover.
Alex, who's next? Up to you.
Well, it's up to me. Tim.
Tim Key.
Can I throw it in the river?
Is it dumping?
I don't think it's dumping
because it's a bit like water,
isn't it?
I've not stopped the clock yet. Why?
It's not disappeared.
What? It's not disappeared.
When are you stopping the clock?
When it's disappeared.
That's... What?
I can still see it.
It's gone.
I can still see it.
I can't see it. I can see it.
Stop the clock!
But I can still see it.
What are you talking about?
It's just bobbing down the river.
It's all mixed...
I-It's part of the river!
So it's not disappeared.
It has. But I can see it.
Where? Just over there.
I'll just go and have a little look.
Have a look as much as you like,
mate. Stop the clock, though.
I can see it. It's gone, mate!
That's gone now!
I'll just see if I can see it.
Yeah, it's gone, I think.
I think stop the clock!
It's disappeared. It's gone!
It's disappeared.
APPLAUSE
What time did you give Tim?
Well, I couldn't see the -
Once it's in the river, it's gone,
mate! No, no, it hasn't.
I gave him 13 minutes and 40 seconds.
That's when I could not see the ice
any more. That's really fast.
You couldn't see it,
but does that mean it's disappeared?
No. I think the fish could see it,
though.
It's still there.
Let's get a fish in here, then.
I mean, realistically, that's going
to be still visible for ages
in that water.
Oh, shut up!
Did you follow it down the river?
We didn't, but I imagine there was
someone who's further down the river
to whom that has just appeared.
So it didn't disappear. Roisin's
changed its form from ice to water.
Yours was still ice, and probably
was for at least an hour.
Yeah, but I've changed it sort of...
I've changed...
I've done something to it.
I gave it 13 minutes 40
because, to me, it has disappeared,
but it's up to you.
It had gone.
Your definition of 'disappearing'
is that Alex can't see it.
Do you want to see my hand
disappearing? It's gone. It's gone.
That's gone.
Oh, no, it is still there.
Are you a fucking child?
Sadly for you, I am a child
who's in charge
of this fucking show.
I haven't seen Romesh's attempt.
I imagine it's subtle. No.
No, no.
Cooking up a little bit of ice
there!
I'm going to try and smash the shit
out of the rest of it.
Yeah, baby!
Ha-ha!
I've got to be honest with you,
I feel pretty damned good!
Oh!
I'm literally smashing this.
Do you get it? I'm done.
All over the shop!
APPLAUSE
Are you under the impression
that you made it disappear?
I mean, that footage looks bad.
I-I...
Romesh is right.
It looked bad and it was bad.
It was 47 minutes and 30 seconds
and it hadn't gone.
It had not disappeared.
I really thought I'd done well
on the day. Yeah. You really hadn't.
So the times are pretty clear.
Romesh was the slowest. OK.
Roisin, Frank and Josh.
It's up to you what you do with Tim.
I can't give it to Key.
He didn't make it disappear.
It went into a river, mate!
So Key last. Oh, no, come on!
What I did was an inventive way
of getting rid of this damn ice!
LAUGHTER
Key's last. I'm making a judgment.
Romesh next. The other three,
it's all about the time. Yes.
Josh Widdicombe
is the winner of this round.
Josh Widdicombe is the winner,
ladies and gentlemen.
So Josh is one step closer to
taking home the beautiful cardigan
which, er,
perhaps he'll wear
on a flight to Cologne! Good luck.
Meanwhile, Alex... Mm?
..before we go into the break,
there's something really on my mind.
How many spaghetti hoops are there
in a can of spaghetti?
There's...
LAUGHTER
There's no way of knowing
that sort of thing.
There's no way
that anyone would know that.
There must be a way of finding out.
See you after the break.
Count the hoops
in this tin of spaghetti hoops.
You've done the... Come on!
..three, five...
31. 32. 33. 433.
I'm nothing if not thorough.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Thanks, Josh. Much appreciated.
How, in the first episode
where I'm actually winning,
do I feel the saddest
I've ever felt?
Maybe you should be thinking
that the glass is half-full
and that you're one of my
special little boys.
Who's on top at the moment?
Well, Josh, thankfully,
is in the lead. He's on nine points.
And as you can see, Romesh...
APPLAUSE
Yeah, why not? Why not?
..Romesh is in the last place.
OK, what's the next task? The next
task involves the best sport, squash.
JAUNTY MUSIC
Two squash rackets.
FRANK GROANS
Hello, Alex.
Wow. Really sinister, guys.
"Get to 11 points as fast as
possible. Your time starts now.
"Get 11 points as fast as possible.
Your time starts now."
What the hell does that mean?
How d'you play squash? I don't know.
Erm... I've never played squash.
Oh, God!
APPLAUSE
This is a team task, obviously.
The winning team will get 2 points,
the losing team will get nothing.
Roisin, Josh and Romesh,
let's ask you a quick question.
Do you now know how
you scored points in this section?
To be honest with you, my levels of
trust were quite low... before this
and then I was bullied
on a squash court.
You still haven't worked it out.
Let's see if Frank and Tim
worked out how you score points
in this exercise.
Where do these come in?
I don't know.
What do we have to do? Get to
11 points as fast as possible.
At squash or at anything? At what?
It's the Taskmaster System, OK?
Get to 11 points.
Hold on a minute. This is pointy.
One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.
I've done it, haven't I?
No, you're still on zero.
Oh, so, we can see
when there's a point?
Eat a cake.
Just eat a cake, Frank!
It's fucking hard to get a point.
In there...
I want to do it at least once.
What's that? One?
How did we score a point?
Maybe it's a word.
Did you say something?
It's not that. It's not the ball.
That's a red herring.
You wanker!
LAUGHTER
INDISTINCT DIALOGUE
Points. Two points.
Swearing. Wanker.
Shit in the bucket.
What, both of us?
What...? Both of us.
Every time I can't see you,
we score a point.
No.
SCOREBOARD PINGS
Maybe you just get a point for...
slapstick.
I honestly believe we can do this.
I don't think we can.
You lose a point for pessimism.
Everything's going to be OK.
I feel confi...
Nodding.
I've worked out how to lose points!
There must be another gesture,
if we touch our head, say.
Try touching your head.
Well, don't overdo it.
SCOREBOARD PINGS
APPLAUSE
Touching our heads? Yes.
Fucking idiot.
Alex, just so that the youngsters
are clear, what is the system?
It's very easy. Normal rules -
touch your head get a point.
Normal rules? Normal rules.
Shake your head you lose a point.
If you disrespect the Taskmaster,
like putting a picture of him
in a bucket, you lose two points.
When I got the tapped head,
I can't remember anything in my life
I've been more excited to discover.
Oh, wasn't it fantastic?
It was amazing.
Must've been horrible not to
work it out at all. Yeah, it...!
I mean, we were trying everything.
At one point, Josh was counting
baked beans and...
Roisin, Josh and Romesh
tried everything else.
Do you want to see it now?
Let's see how the youngsters got on.
How do you play squash? I don't know
how to play squash. Well, I do.
But presumably...
One point. What?
That's gone up to one. How did...?
You picked up the rackets.
Give me a racket.
No.
I serve, it's got to go in this box.
Oh, come on! What the sh...?
Let's just try and retrace our steps
and see if it works.
SCOREBOARD PINGS
Whoa!
I didn't do anything. Roisin.
Or was that me?
No.
What if we're facing the same way?
Turn around.
Oh, for Christ's sake,
it's doing my head in already, this!
Come on!
Put them back. Put the racket back.
Racket! Them. Back.
We got two points in that corner
somehow.
Corner.
Somehow. Points.
Why is this...?
Oh, no!
This is very hard.
You need to give us some more...
What? Nothing happened there!
Erm...
Erm?!
Is it pausing?
Double one... Oh!
LAUGHTER
If we haven't got a point for that,
then I don't know... What?
Is it words that we need to say?
Words. It's questions, isn't it?
Ooh.
ROISIN LAUGHS
What is going on?
That counts!
Point for not having a sodding clue
what's going on? Utter silence!
SCOREBOARD PINGS
Yes!
Well done.
Ooh!
JOSH LAUGHS
You treat us like animals...
That's what you get!
APPLAUSE
That's our remake
of Lord of the Flies there.
The worst thing about that is,
I know what happened
but even watching that
I was just going, "Touch your head!"
LAUGHTER
"Just touch your head!"
How long did they take
to not work out the system?
The kids, the children,
they took 11 minutes and 12 seconds.
The grownups,
18 minutes and one second.
JOSH: No way!
Romesh is bogelling!
I mean, that is literally monkeys
in front of a typewriter, isn't it?
On paper, the team with three
achieved the task the fastest
and I'll honour that
with two points each,
but I think that the grownups,
they worked out the system
so they should get one point each.
What are the scores please, Alex?
Well, they are all still on
single figures
except for the counting-obsessive
Mr Josh Widdicombe,
who is ahead with 11 points.
Lovely. Let's find out
what the next task is.
Hi, guys.
Fill that cup with as many tears
as possible. You have 20 minutes.
Fill an... Oh, dear! Oh, well.
Right, let's get my acting out.
Taskmaster gets serious.
It's time for you to get in touch
with your emotions.
I found it really difficult.
Why, mate? I don't want to sort of
spoiler-alert my VT,
but I was shit at it.
LAUGHTER
Whose do you think we should see
first? Let's have a look at Josh.
Is this how to do it? Is it nose?
It's got to be eyes.
It certainly feels like it. Agh!
Ow!
Agh!
That's an actual tear. I'm really
pleased with myself for that.
Ow! It's so painful.
Agh!
HE GROANS
Oh, look! There...
This is genuine pain.
I mean, there's fuck-all in there.
Ooh.
I think I've dried out.
And with some dignity.
HE SNIFFS / WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
Basically, 20 minutes of slamming
onions into your face, yeah?
It looked like...
That was so painful.
Have you ever rubbed onions
on your face? No. Weird, right?!
I've got a little tip. Don't!
It's really painful.
How many tears? It was painful
but not that successful.
Seven tears in 20 minutes.
It's one tear every three minutes.
How's that not successful?
Well, it's just not very many tears.
Numbers-wise,
seven is one of the small...
Like, ten and 11 -
Yeah, I know about counting, mate!
And that's why I give you
my special jobs.
APPLAUSE
Tim and Roisin.
Can you get The Full Monty up,
when they're in the post office
and the kid draws out all of his
savings to give to Robbie Carlisle?
When did I last cry?
I think it was a film.
I watched Steel Magnolias
over Christmas,
the bit where Julia Roberts dies.
Would you like to see a little clip
of Steel Magnolias? Yeah.
The funeral scene.
Yeah, with the Sally Field speech.
Can you type in, erm, "ET audition"?
I'm glad we've got
a 30-second advert.
Here it is.
It's a great movie, guys!
It's got a really comic out,
that's the problem.
Can you open up another window?
Can you tell me what to type?
"Powerful art". Powerful...?
Powerful art.
"I just want them
to squeeze something out there."
Do you want me to just
gently scroll through them. Er, yeah.
Oh, that's powerful.
TIM LAUGHS HEARTILY
I don't know whether
that's going to make me cry.
WHISTLE BLOWS
WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
I think the thing that
we're all desperate to see is, erm,
powerful art.
We've got the image here.
It's powerful.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What emotional impact
did a farting bull
smashing a half-human devil
into a wall have on you?
Weirdly, confusion.
It didn't start me crying,
unfortunately.
Tim also watched a VT,
a bit of The Full Monty.
No tears. Not a single tear.
Really? You want to pull some nasal
hairs out, mate, that'll do it.
Yeah!
LAUGHTER
How many tears did Roisin get?
The same. Also zero tears.
Are you over Julia Roberts dying
now? Is that what happened?
Sally Field gives a sad speech,
but Shirley MacLaine's character
comes in and does a real funny bit.
I hadn't cried
and it was a really funny out,
so it brought me back up!
Do you want to see Romesh next?
Oh, God, yes!
What have you got there?
I've got some hot pepper sauce.
I'm going to put a little bit
on my fingers
and then I'm going to rub my eyes.
I think I've rubbed it in enough.
That's safe, isn't it?
AUDIENCE GASP
Oh, shit!
Fuck! Oh, fuck me.
HE GROANS
Oh, yeah.
That's what I've been waiting for.
That's the money shot,
you know what I mean?
What are you doing at the moment?
Holding my eyelids open,
dealing with the chilli sauce
and thinking about
the first five minutes.
Oh, shit!
I'm going to put a bit more
chilli sauce.
ALL GASP
It's really intense, that.
Oh, shit.
WHISTLE BLOWS
I can't see anything but tears now.
Good effort. Good effort.
Good work, Rom.
That is the sort of commitment
we want on this show -
straight in with the chilli sauce
hard into the eyes.
You King Lear'd yourself.
Lovely work. Thank you.
How many tears? 10. Wow!
Pretty good. 10 tears.
10 tears.
Did you enjoy it? No. No.
It was really horrible,
to the point where I thought this
might be how my life is going to be.
Let's have a look how
Frank Skinner did. 10 to beat right?
10 to beat. Here is Frank.
"Fill an egg cup with as many tears
as possible."
Er, it doesn't have to be my tears,
does it?
Can I use the entire team?
So I can get other people, as well.
OK.
Hello?
Hello. Can I borrow you
for 20 minutes maximum.
If you can all come in here,
that'd be great.
I need you to manipulate them
a little bit.
Hold it close to your eyes,
if you can.
See, I think you need to...
Mm. It's something, isn't it?
Maybe I could sing Old Shep.
Are you dog lovers?
# When I was a boy
# And old Shep was a pup
# Over hills and meadows we'd stray
# Just a boy and his dog
# We were both full of fun
# We grew up together that way #
Frank, definitely one.
Got to be quick. Oh, brilliant!
That's the first tear so far.
Was it the onion,
or was it old Shep?
Listen to this bit.
# He came to my side
# And he looked up at me
# And he laid his old head
On my knee
# I stroked the best friend
# That a man ever had
# And I cried
So I scarcely could see #
Ah, there's a good one!
WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, no!
It's a weird thing to hold the tears
of four or five different men
in your hand.
How are you feeling about that, erm,
chilli sauce decision, then?
It's not my finest hour.
I wish I'd thought of it!
Lateral thinking.
Brilliant performance by Frank.
Smiling throughout the task.
No-one broke the rules in this task,
so it's simply on
the amount of tears collected.
Which means that Frank,
with 12 tears squeezed out of us,
is the winner.
APPLAUSE
In a moment, join us
for the final part of Taskmaster
where there will be a live task
on this stage.
Oh, before we go into the break,
though...
LAUGHTER
It may not seem relevant,
but it's been on my mind a while...
Oh yeah. What is it?
..how many grains of rice are there
in a bag of rice?
AUDIENCE GASP
Really?
I don't know how you would know that.
There's got to be a way
I can find out. I'm the Taskmaster.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
No way!
"Count the grains of rice in this
bag of rice. Your time starts now."
APPLAUSE
..33... Well that's five grams.
How many grams? 250.
So 500 is...
..25,000 grains.
You feel like a loser,
but you're not the one
having to watch this five times,
so I don't know who's the bigger
loser out of me and you on this one.
APPLAUSE
You've done well.
Do you know now?
LAUGHTER
I genuinely think I deserve a point.
It's the final part of the show
where one of these five comedians
could still win all of that rubbish.
Alex, who looks most likely to win
at this stage?
Well, the relevant scores
are that Romesh is on nine points,
Frank Skinner on 13
and Josh Widdicombe on 14 points.
APPLAUSE
Let's see. Well, our comedians
are now on stage.
Why are they all on stage in a line?
They're going to do a task.
I would like Romesh
to read out the task, please.
Romesh, if you could read this out
clearly and slowly, please.
Ahem. "Memorise the names of an
Australian Rules football team.
"Most accurate wins."
That's right.
The contestants must memorise
the names of all of this
Australian Rules Football team.
Oh, God! It's what we call
high-pressure socialising.
They will go past you
and shake your hands.
You've got to try to remember
their names.
You will then get given
three randomly each,
that you will then introduce to Greg
Davies, the Taskmaster. Oh, my God!
Is it first names or full names?
It's, er, sort of Aussie Rules names.
LAUGHTER
Oh, Australian names!
Blow your whistle.
Let's get this party started.
If you could all stand up, please.
This is the worst thing
that's ever happened. Here we go.
What are you doing, Tim?
Cheating, as usual!
Not cheating.
I've got a system.
LAUGHTER
Hello. What's your name? Chisel.
This is Chisel.
What's your name? Grillby.
This is Grillby.
Reggie. This is Reggie.
Gordo. This is Gordo.
Pado. This is Pado.
This is the Colonel. Hello, Colonel.
Dina. This is Dina. Hello, Dina.
This is Pap.
What's your name?
This is Blanket. Blanket?!
This is the Yank Tank.
Clarence. This is Clarence.
Clarence. Hello, Clarence.
This is Issie. Hello, Issie.
This is Eggsie. Hello.
B Wrap. This is B Wrap.
Trev. We're ending with Trev.
APPLAUSE
So you've met the team.
I'd like Frank to introduce
his three friends to me first.
OK, Frank, these are your three.
Please can you introduce them as
quickly as you can to Mr Greg Davies.
Yes, this is er,
Bosen... Bosie.
This is, er...
LAUGHTER
..Bl-Blanket.
And this one is, erm,
what was it again?
This one is, erm,
the Co... It's not the...
Er, Steve. Steve. OK!
LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE
Josh, these are your three. Oh!
Chisel. We'll come back to you.
No, we'll stay on you.
Yank Bank?
Or Wank Plank.
You've already sewn this up.
I mean, surely if I said that,
he'd response to it.
I don't think he'd respond to
the Wank Plank!
Oh, God!
It's not,
but I'm going to go with Pado.
OK, thank you Josh. OK.
APPLAUSE
Can I meet Roisin's three friends?
Issie.
Er... Trev.
You were very fast,
so it's a short name.
Er...
Moira.
Moira! Well done, Roisin. Good work.
When I think of speed,
I think Moira!
Romesh, who are your three friends?
This is just going to be three names
that I come up with. Er...
This is Snoop Dogg.
You're a very sexual man,
aren't you? Erm, I think...
So this is my mate Trev. Yeah.
This is Snoop Dogg
and this is... Jane.
If I didn't know better,
I'd say you were trying to get rid
of that figurine.
Have a seat, Romesh.
APPLAUSE
OK, Timothy,
who are your three friends?
This is Dina. Yeah.
HE GIGGLES
Yank Tank.
LAUGHTER
And this is Mr Naughty Boy.
APPLAUSE
When I blow my whistle,
if you have been named correctly,
please can you turn
and face the front?
MURMURING
APPLAUSE
Let's count them up.
If you'll join me on the floor,
we'll see how that's affected
the scores!
There we are. All of our contestants
got a singly unimpressive
one person each.
CHEERING
Which we will award them one point
each for. Fair enough. Absolutely.
I really respect you. Thanks, mate.
LAUGHTER
I can't imagine how that's affected
the final score.
But before you reveal the winner
of tonight's Taskmaster,
I should announce that I am giving
Josh Widdicombe an extra point
for being such a good sport
during his counting activities.
APPLAUSE
Alex, will you reveal
tonight's winner, please? Yes.
There was one winner throughout,
it's Mr Josh Widdicombe!
Josh Widdicombe wins.
APPLAUSE
Congratulations, Josh. You are the
winner of tonight's Taskmaster.
How do you feel?
Elated.
That's the end of the show.
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you, Alex.
Once again, Josh, congratulations.
You may now go and collect your tat.
APPLAUSE
And remember, everyone,
nothing great was ever achieved
without a personal sacrifice.
Take those words
and live your lives. Goodnight.
APPLAUSE
Mr Josh Widdicombe!
I'm in!
Don't knock that figurine off!
Mr Josh Widdicombe.
Can I take this off?
I'm suffocating.
So hold on, the winner of Taskmaster
can't put a jumper on?
Subtitles by Ericsson
CTO M850A/82
BF000000
DRAMATIC THEME MUSIC
Hello, I'm Greg Davies, this is
Taskmaster and I am the Taskmaster.
For many years now,
I've been getting other comedians
to do things for me,
things like cleaning and cooking
and decorating my flat.
Now, for the first time,
we've filmed them doing it.
Over the past few months, I have set
a series of challenging tasks
to five challenged comedians.
They have no idea how each other did
but they will soon find out.
I am in charge
and they need to remember that.
Let's meet them now. First up,
a man who is technically not yet
a pensioner,
the legend that is Frank Skinner.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE
Next, a man who still gets ID'd
when he buys vodka and knives,
it's Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE
Once, when she was drunk,
she offered me a pasta meal
which she was going to put
every conceivable meat into,
it's Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE
He is a father, a son
and a very angry man,
Romesh Ranganathan.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE
And finally,
a man who's sort of quite handsome
but also sort of not, it's Tim Key!
CHEERING & APPLAUSE
I'm both aided and comforted
by my personal assistant Alex Horne.
Mm-hm.
Alex? Yes. Erm...
What? Do you want some banter
or straight in with the show?
Er, one of each? Erm...
I feel... I feel like I have learnt
so much from you.
OK, so the show,
erm, the first task, as always,
is a prize task.
Each of the contestants has brought
one of their own possessions
for the prize haul.
One of them will be awarded
points by you, Greg,
the one whose prize
impresses you the most.
Does that make sense? Sort of.
This is their own stuff.
The winner's takes it all home
so it makes it genuinely tense,
doesn't it, everyone?
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
Good. You've asked them to bring in
their most beautiful item.
Mr Skinner, what have you brought in
that's beautiful?
I've brought in
a country mouse-themed
vacuum cleaner cover.
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God!
You genuinely bought this?
I was blown away by it,
as they say in the vacuum world.
Surely sucked. Er, well...
No, look at her. What?!
It looks like a very coy badger.
It looks like a badger that's
sniffing its tits, doesn't it?
Josh, what have you brought in
for us that's beautiful?
A specially-commissioned
piece of art. No way. Yeah.
I have a magic eye of Greg Davies.
LAUGHTER
If you stare deep enough,
you'll see Greg Davies
as naked as the day he was born.
I can see it and it's beautiful.
I'm going to accept it's a picture
of me. It's a lovely offering.
Roisin, what beautiful item
have you brought us?
I've brought a cardigan that is the
most beautiful thing I've ever owned
and I get more compliments for it
than anything.
Isn't it incredible, right?
I've been stopped in the street
more for wearing this cardigan
than for anything I've ever done
on television. OK.
I think you should take that less
as a compliment on your cardigan
and more of a - Shut up!
Anyone who saw you is going to go,
"I'll talk to this crazy harlequin."
Is that a nice cardigan?
AUDIENCE CHEER
Yes, those 12 women agree with you.
Who thinks it's an awful cardigan?
LOUD CHEERING
It's a brilliant cardigan
if you need to hide in a church.
LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE
Romesh, what beautiful item
have you brought us?
When my wife gave birth
to our first son...
Oh! Erm...
That is such a lovely story. Go on.
Well, it doesn't have a happy ending
unfortunately,
because he is a shithead now but...
LAUGHTER
..my mother in law bought us
a little statuette
to symbolise the love
between mother and child,
and that is what I've brought.
My wife doesn't look like that.
She hasn't got a perfect sphere
for a head. No.
It's a beautiful little piece
and also symbolic of maternal love,
and that's why I've brought it.
You are not this person at all!
LAUGHTER
I'm just showing another side
of myself. I don't want to be
persecuted for that.
I don't want to ruin the birth of
your children, but it's a horrible
piece of tat, isn't it?
APPLAUSE
Tim, what have you brought in?
I can tell you now
you're not going to be last.
Are you shitting me right now?
I've brought a flight to Cologne
to visit the cathedral.
JOSH LAUGHS
Oh, my God, that is genuine!
Why is it in Romesh's name?
Why has it got my name on it?
I went to Cologne four years ago
and witnessed the cathedral
and it is the most beautiful thing
I've seen,
so I've just booked a flight,
currently for Romesh, to just...
It's a day trip.
It leaves at seven
from Luton Airport.
You get a full day there.
Yeah, you get a full day there.
Actually, I do live nearer Gatwick,
though.
Sorry. Sorry, Romesh.
I'd like to win it.
What happens if Roisin does win?
She'll go to Cologne.
She'll have to disguise herself
as Romesh.
Easy, mate.
I'll just rant everywhere...
"Rrragh!" ..on the plane.
That's not the biggest different,
by the way.
LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE
I got the type of ticket
where you can change the name,
but I had to book it
in someone's name initially
because it looks weird
if you book a ticket just saying,
"Who's going? I don't know.
"Just save a seat.
See who wins this quiz I'm in."
I'll make some judgements, shall I?
Do you want to do fifth place next?
It feels you've made that decision.
Do I need to?
No. Fine. I've got that. OK.
Hold on! W-What... Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What's fifth?
What's fifth? What is fifth?
What's fifth?
You'll find out in a minute.
I'm going to read the others out.
In second place, it's Josh,
because I'm taking him on his word
that it's a picture of me.
If it's not,
he'll answer to me after the show.
I'll give the tit-sniffing
badger-cover third place.
Obviously, Roisin's awful cardigan
comes in fourth
and the, er, vile ornament fifth.
Simple.
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner
of the first round - Mr Tim Key!
APPLAUSE
Deservedly so, I think.
All of the beautiful prizes
are up there, looking beautiful.
You can have a look at them now
just to whet your appetite,
really get you worked up.
The winner will stagger up
to collect their winnings
and the others will be
very, very sad.
Let's start the show proper.
What's the first task?
The first task is... Well, let's see.
Shall we see it? Yeah. OK.
JAUNTY MUSIC
A block of ice.
Ice?
"Make this ice block disappear
as fast as possible."
"You have one hour.
Your time starts now."
Kettle. On.
Hot water is surely the best way.
There's no fire, is there?
What's "disappeared"?
When you can't see them any more.
Do you want it melted?
It's up to you, Tim.
So obviously, you know, this is
a temperature-raising exercise.
I picked that up straight away.
Pretty straightforward -
make it disappear.
Are you feeling confident, Frank?
I've already thought of
three mistakes I made.
LAUGHTER
The tie?
LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE
Who shall we see first?
Shall we look at Frank and Josh?
Why don't we clump them together?
"I think melting is good."
I ought to stop, though, because
my instinct is just to go for it
and I feel that cleverer people
think,
"Oh, I know a good thing to do."
There's a bath in there.
I'm going to put it in the bath
and deal with in there
with water and heat.
This is actually quite difficult.
It's quite slippy.
Could you help? Yeah.
Are you able to get that end of it?
Yeah.
We probably better not put it in
too heavily.
I'm assuming there's hot water.
I'm just going to basically operate
a...
get-as-much-hot-water-on-it-
as-possible manoeuvre.
It does fly.
I'm going to try this in the oven.
I'm leaving this in the sink.
Erm...
I've got boiling water in a wok
coming through.
The oven's a bit disappointing.
Smash this up a bit more.
Leave that in there simmering.
Right, so that bit's going, gone.
It's just this bit here
and then we're done.
Done! Done! Stop the clock. OK.
I've never done, erm, ice in the...
in the oven before.
I'd have thought that would go
really quickly.
Hot, isn't it, you'd think?
Look. Ooh.
Look at that, just that last bit.
That's really close now.
Really close.
I think... Has it gone?
I can still see it.
Can you still see it?
No. I can't see it now.
Thank you, Frank. Thanks very much.
Do you want a drink? Water?
I'm just going to drink
straight out the oven!
Very similar, that was.
If you look at it in isolation,
it looks like a documentary
of two men having a breakdown.
It wasn't far off!
17 minutes and four seconds...
WHISTLING
..melting the block.
Frank, 27 minutes and 28 seconds.
Still under half an hour. Really?
How was Josh better than Frank?
It looked like Frank -
He melted it quicker. Ah!
That's how this works! Yes. OK.
Who are we seeing next? Er...
Very impressive start, I thought.
Let's have a look at Roisin. Why not?
Alex, will you help me carry
this block of ice?!
I'll... You hold this
and I'll try and tip it in. Sure.
I'm ready.
Am I over it? Am I over it?
Lovely. That's getting it.
It's working. Is it?
Oh, my God!
SHE LAUGHS
Am I doing this completely wrong?
Just hold for that one second, Alex.
Have you got it? OK? Uh-huh.
JOSH: Very similar.
I imagine this was what it was like
on the set of Frozen.
Alex? Will you fill the kettle
for me please, Alex?
Can you also take this pot in
and boil me up a pot of water,
please?
Basically,
pressing the hose directly on it...
Hold on, I've got hair in my mouth.
Alex can you take the hair
out of my mouth, please?
Will you take the hose and thing,
put that down,
and this one, you've got to keep
this one directly on it.
Look at it. Oh, that's lovely.
Maybe I've discovered a new skill -
ice sculpture.
I'd like to call this one Hope.
I think we're done, guys.
I can't see any more ice.
Congratulations.
I've stopped the clock.
APPLAUSE
First things first,
you know Frozen is a cartoon, right?
LAUGHTER
Yes. Just checking in.
I thought it was one of your
strongest performances to date.
We were a good team, weren't we?
We were! Thanks, Alex!
I don't know how much...
I don't know how fair it is
to be using Alex to that extent.
He is your PA. He is MY PA.
He only helped me a little bit -
Only helped you a little?!
He took the hair out of your mouth!
Down an octave!
LAUGHTER
It's great bringing the water
to the ice.
She never broke the ice at all.
It was beautiful, but it was slow.
What was the time, then?
It was just over half an hour.
30 minutes and 20 seconds. Oh!
Shame, because it was otherwise...
..uncharacteristically competent.
Alex, before we go into the break,
could you answer me a question?
Mm-hm.
How many baked beans
do you think there are in a can?
In a can of baked beans? Yes.
There is no way of knowing
that sort of thing.
There is if you're the Taskmaster.
See you after the break.
"Count the baked beans.
Your time starts now."
Four, five...
LAUGHTER
Three.
That's four... 97. 401.
There are 406 beans
in a baked bean tin.
Welcome back to Taskmaster. Thanks
for that, Josh. Much appreciated.
Right - Did no-one else do that?
No!
Are you kidding?
What?
On with the show. No!
What's the matter, mate?
Are you joking?
You looked like
you were having a lovely time.
Right - Are we not getting
any points for that? That's correct.
We're getting closer to finding out
who's going home
with Frank Skinner's
vacuum cleaner cover.
Alex, who's next? Up to you.
Well, it's up to me. Tim.
Tim Key.
Can I throw it in the river?
Is it dumping?
I don't think it's dumping
because it's a bit like water,
isn't it?
I've not stopped the clock yet. Why?
It's not disappeared.
What? It's not disappeared.
When are you stopping the clock?
When it's disappeared.
That's... What?
I can still see it.
It's gone.
I can still see it.
I can't see it. I can see it.
Stop the clock!
But I can still see it.
What are you talking about?
It's just bobbing down the river.
It's all mixed...
I-It's part of the river!
So it's not disappeared.
It has. But I can see it.
Where? Just over there.
I'll just go and have a little look.
Have a look as much as you like,
mate. Stop the clock, though.
I can see it. It's gone, mate!
That's gone now!
I'll just see if I can see it.
Yeah, it's gone, I think.
I think stop the clock!
It's disappeared. It's gone!
It's disappeared.
APPLAUSE
What time did you give Tim?
Well, I couldn't see the -
Once it's in the river, it's gone,
mate! No, no, it hasn't.
I gave him 13 minutes and 40 seconds.
That's when I could not see the ice
any more. That's really fast.
You couldn't see it,
but does that mean it's disappeared?
No. I think the fish could see it,
though.
It's still there.
Let's get a fish in here, then.
I mean, realistically, that's going
to be still visible for ages
in that water.
Oh, shut up!
Did you follow it down the river?
We didn't, but I imagine there was
someone who's further down the river
to whom that has just appeared.
So it didn't disappear. Roisin's
changed its form from ice to water.
Yours was still ice, and probably
was for at least an hour.
Yeah, but I've changed it sort of...
I've changed...
I've done something to it.
I gave it 13 minutes 40
because, to me, it has disappeared,
but it's up to you.
It had gone.
Your definition of 'disappearing'
is that Alex can't see it.
Do you want to see my hand
disappearing? It's gone. It's gone.
That's gone.
Oh, no, it is still there.
Are you a fucking child?
Sadly for you, I am a child
who's in charge
of this fucking show.
I haven't seen Romesh's attempt.
I imagine it's subtle. No.
No, no.
Cooking up a little bit of ice
there!
I'm going to try and smash the shit
out of the rest of it.
Yeah, baby!
Ha-ha!
I've got to be honest with you,
I feel pretty damned good!
Oh!
I'm literally smashing this.
Do you get it? I'm done.
All over the shop!
APPLAUSE
Are you under the impression
that you made it disappear?
I mean, that footage looks bad.
I-I...
Romesh is right.
It looked bad and it was bad.
It was 47 minutes and 30 seconds
and it hadn't gone.
It had not disappeared.
I really thought I'd done well
on the day. Yeah. You really hadn't.
So the times are pretty clear.
Romesh was the slowest. OK.
Roisin, Frank and Josh.
It's up to you what you do with Tim.
I can't give it to Key.
He didn't make it disappear.
It went into a river, mate!
So Key last. Oh, no, come on!
What I did was an inventive way
of getting rid of this damn ice!
LAUGHTER
Key's last. I'm making a judgment.
Romesh next. The other three,
it's all about the time. Yes.
Josh Widdicombe
is the winner of this round.
Josh Widdicombe is the winner,
ladies and gentlemen.
So Josh is one step closer to
taking home the beautiful cardigan
which, er,
perhaps he'll wear
on a flight to Cologne! Good luck.
Meanwhile, Alex... Mm?
..before we go into the break,
there's something really on my mind.
How many spaghetti hoops are there
in a can of spaghetti?
There's...
LAUGHTER
There's no way of knowing
that sort of thing.
There's no way
that anyone would know that.
There must be a way of finding out.
See you after the break.
Count the hoops
in this tin of spaghetti hoops.
You've done the... Come on!
..three, five...
31. 32. 33. 433.
I'm nothing if not thorough.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Thanks, Josh. Much appreciated.
How, in the first episode
where I'm actually winning,
do I feel the saddest
I've ever felt?
Maybe you should be thinking
that the glass is half-full
and that you're one of my
special little boys.
Who's on top at the moment?
Well, Josh, thankfully,
is in the lead. He's on nine points.
And as you can see, Romesh...
APPLAUSE
Yeah, why not? Why not?
..Romesh is in the last place.
OK, what's the next task? The next
task involves the best sport, squash.
JAUNTY MUSIC
Two squash rackets.
FRANK GROANS
Hello, Alex.
Wow. Really sinister, guys.
"Get to 11 points as fast as
possible. Your time starts now.
"Get 11 points as fast as possible.
Your time starts now."
What the hell does that mean?
How d'you play squash? I don't know.
Erm... I've never played squash.
Oh, God!
APPLAUSE
This is a team task, obviously.
The winning team will get 2 points,
the losing team will get nothing.
Roisin, Josh and Romesh,
let's ask you a quick question.
Do you now know how
you scored points in this section?
To be honest with you, my levels of
trust were quite low... before this
and then I was bullied
on a squash court.
You still haven't worked it out.
Let's see if Frank and Tim
worked out how you score points
in this exercise.
Where do these come in?
I don't know.
What do we have to do? Get to
11 points as fast as possible.
At squash or at anything? At what?
It's the Taskmaster System, OK?
Get to 11 points.
Hold on a minute. This is pointy.
One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.
I've done it, haven't I?
No, you're still on zero.
Oh, so, we can see
when there's a point?
Eat a cake.
Just eat a cake, Frank!
It's fucking hard to get a point.
In there...
I want to do it at least once.
What's that? One?
How did we score a point?
Maybe it's a word.
Did you say something?
It's not that. It's not the ball.
That's a red herring.
You wanker!
LAUGHTER
INDISTINCT DIALOGUE
Points. Two points.
Swearing. Wanker.
Shit in the bucket.
What, both of us?
What...? Both of us.
Every time I can't see you,
we score a point.
No.
SCOREBOARD PINGS
Maybe you just get a point for...
slapstick.
I honestly believe we can do this.
I don't think we can.
You lose a point for pessimism.
Everything's going to be OK.
I feel confi...
Nodding.
I've worked out how to lose points!
There must be another gesture,
if we touch our head, say.
Try touching your head.
Well, don't overdo it.
SCOREBOARD PINGS
APPLAUSE
Touching our heads? Yes.
Fucking idiot.
Alex, just so that the youngsters
are clear, what is the system?
It's very easy. Normal rules -
touch your head get a point.
Normal rules? Normal rules.
Shake your head you lose a point.
If you disrespect the Taskmaster,
like putting a picture of him
in a bucket, you lose two points.
When I got the tapped head,
I can't remember anything in my life
I've been more excited to discover.
Oh, wasn't it fantastic?
It was amazing.
Must've been horrible not to
work it out at all. Yeah, it...!
I mean, we were trying everything.
At one point, Josh was counting
baked beans and...
Roisin, Josh and Romesh
tried everything else.
Do you want to see it now?
Let's see how the youngsters got on.
How do you play squash? I don't know
how to play squash. Well, I do.
But presumably...
One point. What?
That's gone up to one. How did...?
You picked up the rackets.
Give me a racket.
No.
I serve, it's got to go in this box.
Oh, come on! What the sh...?
Let's just try and retrace our steps
and see if it works.
SCOREBOARD PINGS
Whoa!
I didn't do anything. Roisin.
Or was that me?
No.
What if we're facing the same way?
Turn around.
Oh, for Christ's sake,
it's doing my head in already, this!
Come on!
Put them back. Put the racket back.
Racket! Them. Back.
We got two points in that corner
somehow.
Corner.
Somehow. Points.
Why is this...?
Oh, no!
This is very hard.
You need to give us some more...
What? Nothing happened there!
Erm...
Erm?!
Is it pausing?
Double one... Oh!
LAUGHTER
If we haven't got a point for that,
then I don't know... What?
Is it words that we need to say?
Words. It's questions, isn't it?
Ooh.
ROISIN LAUGHS
What is going on?
That counts!
Point for not having a sodding clue
what's going on? Utter silence!
SCOREBOARD PINGS
Yes!
Well done.
Ooh!
JOSH LAUGHS
You treat us like animals...
That's what you get!
APPLAUSE
That's our remake
of Lord of the Flies there.
The worst thing about that is,
I know what happened
but even watching that
I was just going, "Touch your head!"
LAUGHTER
"Just touch your head!"
How long did they take
to not work out the system?
The kids, the children,
they took 11 minutes and 12 seconds.
The grownups,
18 minutes and one second.
JOSH: No way!
Romesh is bogelling!
I mean, that is literally monkeys
in front of a typewriter, isn't it?
On paper, the team with three
achieved the task the fastest
and I'll honour that
with two points each,
but I think that the grownups,
they worked out the system
so they should get one point each.
What are the scores please, Alex?
Well, they are all still on
single figures
except for the counting-obsessive
Mr Josh Widdicombe,
who is ahead with 11 points.
Lovely. Let's find out
what the next task is.
Hi, guys.
Fill that cup with as many tears
as possible. You have 20 minutes.
Fill an... Oh, dear! Oh, well.
Right, let's get my acting out.
Taskmaster gets serious.
It's time for you to get in touch
with your emotions.
I found it really difficult.
Why, mate? I don't want to sort of
spoiler-alert my VT,
but I was shit at it.
LAUGHTER
Whose do you think we should see
first? Let's have a look at Josh.
Is this how to do it? Is it nose?
It's got to be eyes.
It certainly feels like it. Agh!
Ow!
Agh!
That's an actual tear. I'm really
pleased with myself for that.
Ow! It's so painful.
Agh!
HE GROANS
Oh, look! There...
This is genuine pain.
I mean, there's fuck-all in there.
Ooh.
I think I've dried out.
And with some dignity.
HE SNIFFS / WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
Basically, 20 minutes of slamming
onions into your face, yeah?
It looked like...
That was so painful.
Have you ever rubbed onions
on your face? No. Weird, right?!
I've got a little tip. Don't!
It's really painful.
How many tears? It was painful
but not that successful.
Seven tears in 20 minutes.
It's one tear every three minutes.
How's that not successful?
Well, it's just not very many tears.
Numbers-wise,
seven is one of the small...
Like, ten and 11 -
Yeah, I know about counting, mate!
And that's why I give you
my special jobs.
APPLAUSE
Tim and Roisin.
Can you get The Full Monty up,
when they're in the post office
and the kid draws out all of his
savings to give to Robbie Carlisle?
When did I last cry?
I think it was a film.
I watched Steel Magnolias
over Christmas,
the bit where Julia Roberts dies.
Would you like to see a little clip
of Steel Magnolias? Yeah.
The funeral scene.
Yeah, with the Sally Field speech.
Can you type in, erm, "ET audition"?
I'm glad we've got
a 30-second advert.
Here it is.
It's a great movie, guys!
It's got a really comic out,
that's the problem.
Can you open up another window?
Can you tell me what to type?
"Powerful art". Powerful...?
Powerful art.
"I just want them
to squeeze something out there."
Do you want me to just
gently scroll through them. Er, yeah.
Oh, that's powerful.
TIM LAUGHS HEARTILY
I don't know whether
that's going to make me cry.
WHISTLE BLOWS
WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
I think the thing that
we're all desperate to see is, erm,
powerful art.
We've got the image here.
It's powerful.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What emotional impact
did a farting bull
smashing a half-human devil
into a wall have on you?
Weirdly, confusion.
It didn't start me crying,
unfortunately.
Tim also watched a VT,
a bit of The Full Monty.
No tears. Not a single tear.
Really? You want to pull some nasal
hairs out, mate, that'll do it.
Yeah!
LAUGHTER
How many tears did Roisin get?
The same. Also zero tears.
Are you over Julia Roberts dying
now? Is that what happened?
Sally Field gives a sad speech,
but Shirley MacLaine's character
comes in and does a real funny bit.
I hadn't cried
and it was a really funny out,
so it brought me back up!
Do you want to see Romesh next?
Oh, God, yes!
What have you got there?
I've got some hot pepper sauce.
I'm going to put a little bit
on my fingers
and then I'm going to rub my eyes.
I think I've rubbed it in enough.
That's safe, isn't it?
AUDIENCE GASP
Oh, shit!
Fuck! Oh, fuck me.
HE GROANS
Oh, yeah.
That's what I've been waiting for.
That's the money shot,
you know what I mean?
What are you doing at the moment?
Holding my eyelids open,
dealing with the chilli sauce
and thinking about
the first five minutes.
Oh, shit!
I'm going to put a bit more
chilli sauce.
ALL GASP
It's really intense, that.
Oh, shit.
WHISTLE BLOWS
I can't see anything but tears now.
Good effort. Good effort.
Good work, Rom.
That is the sort of commitment
we want on this show -
straight in with the chilli sauce
hard into the eyes.
You King Lear'd yourself.
Lovely work. Thank you.
How many tears? 10. Wow!
Pretty good. 10 tears.
10 tears.
Did you enjoy it? No. No.
It was really horrible,
to the point where I thought this
might be how my life is going to be.
Let's have a look how
Frank Skinner did. 10 to beat right?
10 to beat. Here is Frank.
"Fill an egg cup with as many tears
as possible."
Er, it doesn't have to be my tears,
does it?
Can I use the entire team?
So I can get other people, as well.
OK.
Hello?
Hello. Can I borrow you
for 20 minutes maximum.
If you can all come in here,
that'd be great.
I need you to manipulate them
a little bit.
Hold it close to your eyes,
if you can.
See, I think you need to...
Mm. It's something, isn't it?
Maybe I could sing Old Shep.
Are you dog lovers?
# When I was a boy
# And old Shep was a pup
# Over hills and meadows we'd stray
# Just a boy and his dog
# We were both full of fun
# We grew up together that way #
Frank, definitely one.
Got to be quick. Oh, brilliant!
That's the first tear so far.
Was it the onion,
or was it old Shep?
Listen to this bit.
# He came to my side
# And he looked up at me
# And he laid his old head
On my knee
# I stroked the best friend
# That a man ever had
# And I cried
So I scarcely could see #
Ah, there's a good one!
WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, no!
It's a weird thing to hold the tears
of four or five different men
in your hand.
How are you feeling about that, erm,
chilli sauce decision, then?
It's not my finest hour.
I wish I'd thought of it!
Lateral thinking.
Brilliant performance by Frank.
Smiling throughout the task.
No-one broke the rules in this task,
so it's simply on
the amount of tears collected.
Which means that Frank,
with 12 tears squeezed out of us,
is the winner.
APPLAUSE
In a moment, join us
for the final part of Taskmaster
where there will be a live task
on this stage.
Oh, before we go into the break,
though...
LAUGHTER
It may not seem relevant,
but it's been on my mind a while...
Oh yeah. What is it?
..how many grains of rice are there
in a bag of rice?
AUDIENCE GASP
Really?
I don't know how you would know that.
There's got to be a way
I can find out. I'm the Taskmaster.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
No way!
"Count the grains of rice in this
bag of rice. Your time starts now."
APPLAUSE
..33... Well that's five grams.
How many grams? 250.
So 500 is...
..25,000 grains.
You feel like a loser,
but you're not the one
having to watch this five times,
so I don't know who's the bigger
loser out of me and you on this one.
APPLAUSE
You've done well.
Do you know now?
LAUGHTER
I genuinely think I deserve a point.
It's the final part of the show
where one of these five comedians
could still win all of that rubbish.
Alex, who looks most likely to win
at this stage?
Well, the relevant scores
are that Romesh is on nine points,
Frank Skinner on 13
and Josh Widdicombe on 14 points.
APPLAUSE
Let's see. Well, our comedians
are now on stage.
Why are they all on stage in a line?
They're going to do a task.
I would like Romesh
to read out the task, please.
Romesh, if you could read this out
clearly and slowly, please.
Ahem. "Memorise the names of an
Australian Rules football team.
"Most accurate wins."
That's right.
The contestants must memorise
the names of all of this
Australian Rules Football team.
Oh, God! It's what we call
high-pressure socialising.
They will go past you
and shake your hands.
You've got to try to remember
their names.
You will then get given
three randomly each,
that you will then introduce to Greg
Davies, the Taskmaster. Oh, my God!
Is it first names or full names?
It's, er, sort of Aussie Rules names.
LAUGHTER
Oh, Australian names!
Blow your whistle.
Let's get this party started.
If you could all stand up, please.
This is the worst thing
that's ever happened. Here we go.
What are you doing, Tim?
Cheating, as usual!
Not cheating.
I've got a system.
LAUGHTER
Hello. What's your name? Chisel.
This is Chisel.
What's your name? Grillby.
This is Grillby.
Reggie. This is Reggie.
Gordo. This is Gordo.
Pado. This is Pado.
This is the Colonel. Hello, Colonel.
Dina. This is Dina. Hello, Dina.
This is Pap.
What's your name?
This is Blanket. Blanket?!
This is the Yank Tank.
Clarence. This is Clarence.
Clarence. Hello, Clarence.
This is Issie. Hello, Issie.
This is Eggsie. Hello.
B Wrap. This is B Wrap.
Trev. We're ending with Trev.
APPLAUSE
So you've met the team.
I'd like Frank to introduce
his three friends to me first.
OK, Frank, these are your three.
Please can you introduce them as
quickly as you can to Mr Greg Davies.
Yes, this is er,
Bosen... Bosie.
This is, er...
LAUGHTER
..Bl-Blanket.
And this one is, erm,
what was it again?
This one is, erm,
the Co... It's not the...
Er, Steve. Steve. OK!
LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE
Josh, these are your three. Oh!
Chisel. We'll come back to you.
No, we'll stay on you.
Yank Bank?
Or Wank Plank.
You've already sewn this up.
I mean, surely if I said that,
he'd response to it.
I don't think he'd respond to
the Wank Plank!
Oh, God!
It's not,
but I'm going to go with Pado.
OK, thank you Josh. OK.
APPLAUSE
Can I meet Roisin's three friends?
Issie.
Er... Trev.
You were very fast,
so it's a short name.
Er...
Moira.
Moira! Well done, Roisin. Good work.
When I think of speed,
I think Moira!
Romesh, who are your three friends?
This is just going to be three names
that I come up with. Er...
This is Snoop Dogg.
You're a very sexual man,
aren't you? Erm, I think...
So this is my mate Trev. Yeah.
This is Snoop Dogg
and this is... Jane.
If I didn't know better,
I'd say you were trying to get rid
of that figurine.
Have a seat, Romesh.
APPLAUSE
OK, Timothy,
who are your three friends?
This is Dina. Yeah.
HE GIGGLES
Yank Tank.
LAUGHTER
And this is Mr Naughty Boy.
APPLAUSE
When I blow my whistle,
if you have been named correctly,
please can you turn
and face the front?
MURMURING
APPLAUSE
Let's count them up.
If you'll join me on the floor,
we'll see how that's affected
the scores!
There we are. All of our contestants
got a singly unimpressive
one person each.
CHEERING
Which we will award them one point
each for. Fair enough. Absolutely.
I really respect you. Thanks, mate.
LAUGHTER
I can't imagine how that's affected
the final score.
But before you reveal the winner
of tonight's Taskmaster,
I should announce that I am giving
Josh Widdicombe an extra point
for being such a good sport
during his counting activities.
APPLAUSE
Alex, will you reveal
tonight's winner, please? Yes.
There was one winner throughout,
it's Mr Josh Widdicombe!
Josh Widdicombe wins.
APPLAUSE
Congratulations, Josh. You are the
winner of tonight's Taskmaster.
How do you feel?
Elated.
That's the end of the show.
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you, Alex.
Once again, Josh, congratulations.
You may now go and collect your tat.
APPLAUSE
And remember, everyone,
nothing great was ever achieved
without a personal sacrifice.
Take those words
and live your lives. Goodnight.
APPLAUSE
Mr Josh Widdicombe!
I'm in!
Don't knock that figurine off!
Mr Josh Widdicombe.
Can I take this off?
I'm suffocating.
So hold on, the winner of Taskmaster
can't put a jumper on?
Subtitles by Ericsson