Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Poet and the Egg - full transcript
New. Celebs leave their dignity at the door as dastardly Mr Gilbert - aka Greg Davies - sets them some truly bizarre tasks, including building an egg tower.
TASKMASTER 03, THE POET AND THE EGG
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Hello. I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.
Like you, I enjoy making people
do the jobs I don't want to do,
especially when those people
are famous comedians
and the jobs
are absolutely ludicrous.
So, over the course of several
months, several top comedians
have been doing some
spectacularly odd tasks for me.
They have no idea how each other
did, but they will soon find out.
Let's see who they are.
He's recently been awarded an OBE,
we presume,
because this is going to be
repeated, realistically.
Mr Frank Skinner.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He's got rosy cheeks, curly hair,
and a very successful career.
It's Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
She has genuinely over 40,000
unread emails in her inbox,
because she is bad at certain
aspects of life. It's Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He used to be happy, but since
we've been filming this show,
he's not any more.
It's Romesh Ranganathan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He gets asked to do
a lot of voiceover work,
but I think his face is fine.
It's Tim Key.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
As always, I will be assisted
and encouraged by my assistant,
Alex Horne.
Alex, please remind us
of the first task.
OK. The first task, as always,
is the prize task.
Each contestant has brought in
one of their own personal
possessions for the prize haul.
This time, we've asked them to
bring in their most meaningful item.
Tim, you get to pitch to me first.
Hit me.
I brought in a piston.
OK, well, you know I like
to give people a chance
to justify their decisions,
but I will say this is shit.
Go on. Yeah.
As you know, I won the
Edinburgh Comedy Award in 2009...
Doesn't necessarily translate
into TV work, does it?
Oh, well, hang on. To be fair,
it's only been six years.
Anyway, the point being,
when I did my show,
I was very proud of my show,
and it was kind of quite
an emotional thing to win it.
My show was scattered with
all these weird and wonderful props,
like fridges and stuff like that.
But I couldn't keep it,
cos I didn't have a flat of my own,
so I got rid of everything
from the show, apart from my piston.
And so the piston is very important
to me. It means a lot to me,
and I'm putting that up
into the prize gallery.
Now I feel like a total shit.
Romesh.
We haven't actually
exchanged any words,
and you look furious
with me already.
Backstage, I gave Romesh a
little encouraging tap on the nose.
I went boop!
And who wouldn't like that?
I went, "Good luck, everyone!"
Boop to Romesh.
He went, "What the fuck was that?"
But what the fuck WAS that?
Yeah, sorry. Romesh.
What have you brought and why?
I have brought in something
that's fairly meaningful to me. OK.
It's my wedding ring.
Ooh!
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Jesus! It is genuinely
your wedding ring?
Yes, it's genuinely my wedding ring.
Does your wife know?
She doesn't... Well...
Is that a no?
No, she doesn't.
She doesn't know.
All of these prizes are absolutely
genuine, and the winner of this show
will take the prizes home, so Romesh
could lose his own wedding ring.
But I am, like, genuinely in deep
trouble if that doesn't come home.
So am I if I turn up in it tonight.
LAUGHTER
Roisin, what have you brought in
that's meaningful?
I have brought in a dictionary.
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, God. That is the worst!
It's not, actually.
There's more meaning in that
than in his rubbish ring,
and his fake piston.
Oh, dear, Roisin.
Don't hit her!
Boop!
To be fair, it is the present
so far that I most want.
I'm sure Romesh's wife
will be delighted to hear that.
Josh, what did you bring in?
In the mid to late '90s,
my father started writing
a string of angry letters
to the local newspaper,
which no publisher
wanted to make into a book.
So he got it published himself...
Oh, no.
..and he'd... I Blame The Beatles
by Tom Widdicombe.
You know, and, and you thought
the dictionary would be
the most boring book around. But...
And it's the only copy I've got,
which is a personalised book
from my father.
Have you read it, Josh?
You've not read your own dad's book?
So meaningful!
What is your problem?
No, I have read it. I have read it.
And it's a real slice of life.
Wow! Now, there's a quote
for the back cover.
What did you bring, Frank?
I brought in
my small child's hobby horse.
Aww!
This means a great deal to me,
because when I was a child,
I really, really wanted
a hobby horse.
They'd just been invented.
And my family could only afford
to get me the stick.
To me, it means that because I've
got more money than my dad had,
I'm able to give him
something I didn't have.
And I actually had to sneak it out
of the house to bring it here,
because he plays with it every day.
So he'll be at home now, going...
Lump of sugar.
There's two ways of looking at this.
There's the sweet part of you
that felt
you didn't have a proper hobby
horse, so you bought your son one,
but then you thought, no,
why should he have one?
And you took it back off him.
And now you've got a four in five
chance of losing it.
You've gotta speculate
to accumulate. This time tomorrow,
he might be reading round the garden
on a piston.
In fifth place,
it'll be Roisin Conaty, obviously.
Fourth, I'm gonna put
Josh's dad's book in.
Oh, what?
A gift from my dad,
who I no longer speak to!
But you... Oh...
I know for a fact
it's not that way round.
He won't speak to you, cos
you didn't read his fucking book.
Third, I'm gonna put the piston,
because it's a piston.
Second for Frank and you know,
how can I deny someone
who is actively trying to wreck
his own marriage on television?
The winner of the first task
tonight - Romesh Ranganathan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So this is how the leader board
is looking at the moment.
There we go, Romesh -
you're in the lead. Fantastic.
And all the meaningful prizes
are up there
if you want to gaze at
the absolute tat
that these people could take home.
They're in the box up there.
Not necessarily meaningful
to you, but still,
you could always sell
the wedding ring and buy a fridge.
OK, what's our first
proper task tonight?
Well, it's... Let's have a look.
I slightly struggled
with the door handle there.
I wondered
if that might be the task.
Big fan of tea, so this is
a real boost to me. Right.
"Throw a tea bag into a mug
from the furthest distance.
"You have exactly one hour.
Your time starts now."
I reckon
I'll be pretty good at this.
Played a lot of cricket in my youth.
What's the longest part
of the house?
But how will I get it
into the mug...?
I'm just thinking about length,
I'm not thinking about any accuracy.
"What's the longest part
of the house?"
I've grouped Romesh,
Roisin and Frank together.
Do you want to see how they did it?
Oh, God, yes. OK.
The key clearly is...
do you want wet tea bags?
Dry tea bags, rubbish.
Let's do this!
I've only brought out one tea bag.
Let's just see where I am
as an average.
No.
Wet it! I need to wet it!
What if I put loads of
tea cups around,
and just increase my chances?
That's the... I reckon
that's the best way of doing it.
Oh, God!
You kidding me? What's...?
Fuck you!
That's the first one in.
Just to clarify,
it's the furthest distance for me
to throw a tea bag into a mug? Yeah.
So it doesn't necessarily mean
horizontally?
Yes! It was there.
Straight in. Five metres exactly.
It's infallible.
Fuck you! Oh, my God.
The last batch of squares I've got,
and then I'm gonna have to
start tidying up like a chump
and then re-use them. I didn't think
I'd get to this point.
There's so many of 'em.
I have to say,
when I picture the others,
I don't see them getting
this kind of distance.
Poets, girls...
Some will take the first 45 minutes
realising it's better
if they're wet.
Just realised,
I should probably wet them.
LAUGHTER
I would quite like them
to make that realisation.
Unbelievable. So good to discover
this so late on.
It's added so much to the distance.
It's rendered everything we've done
up to this point
completely irrelevant.
There.
I just moved my hand a little bit,
but it's there. It's in the mug.
YEAH!
Come on! COME ON!
What, mate?
The worst thing about it was,
I regretted it, but I thought,
"God, I wonder if anyone else
has figured out
"about wetting the tea-bags?"
But they had done within 30 seconds.
Oh, within a heartbeat.
Even the person
whose first question was,
"What's the longest part
of the house?"
realised quickly
that she had to wet it.
Yeah, that's not, you know...
I'm not proud of what happened.
What distance did Romesh get?
Was it impressive?
It's about eight and a half dogs.
I've measured it... Well, if...
I've done a system
of eight and a half dogs,
presuming a dog is a metre long.
So eight and a half metres.
How many dogs did Roisin do?
2.4 dogs.
It was very accurate,
and it wasn't the best
or second or third or fourth best.
LAUGHTER
Frank, amazing structure.
Presumably a good distance?
It was 10. 10.04 metres.
Where did he get the box from?
There was no box like that
available when I was doing it.
There was definitely a box there.
There was no box, mate.
I'm telling you now,
there was no box.
There was a box available. You just
haven't got box-searching skills.
Also, you couldn't work out
whether to wet the tea bags.
Do you really think you'd have
come up with the box idea? Yeah.
I didn't even have taps in my one.
I had to urinate on my tea bags.
That's the lack of facilities
I was given.
I don't know what kind of game
you're running here,
but I'm not happy about it,
all right?
That's an impressive performance,
and so comforting to know that
two of the three people
know what a box looks like.
There was no box, mate! Boop!
That's better.
Time for a quick break.
See you ludicrously soon.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Now, where were we?
Frank is in the lead at the moment.
Shall we have a look at Josh?
Yeah, let's have a look at Josh.
I would argue a mug is a receptacle
larger than a cup,
that you drink tea out of,
with a handle.
So if I was to drink tea out of this
before the end of the hour
to prove it was a mug,
then I think I've got myself a mug.
I'll just attach
the handle like that.
So I've got two mugs there.
Tea bag taped to a golf ball.
Ooh!
Well, it went in,
but it didn't stay in.
Definitely still a mug?
Yeah, of course it is.
Ask me if it's a mug when we share a
cup of tea out of it later on, mate.
Box. Box.
Is the handle still attached?
Yes. Is it still a mug? Yes.
If he was to dispute
whether it was a mug...
I don't think he should dispute
it's a mug,
but you've got to cover yourself
against these things, haven't you?
Come on!
Oh!
Right, tea.
To prove that it's a mug, we're
gonna have high tea from the mug.
I don't think I can imagine
it's a mug until I see you...
Yeah, I'm gonna drink the tea.
A lovely cup of British tea.
Thank you, Josh. Thanks for the tea.
It's all right, mate.
Lovely.
I didn't get a box.
He's got a wheel...
It's like a bloody B&Q warehouse
when he's doing it!
You've just got to look.
I mean, golf balls,
specialist mugs, construction set.
It's just an absolute...
That is unbelievable!
I couldn't believe how much
stuff there was there.
All of those things
were available to you.
No, they weren't, mate.
No, they weren't.
How far did Josh
throw the tea bag, first of all?
OK, well, the distance
was 15 metres and ten centimetres.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Is it in a mug? That's up to you.
Josh, is your definition of a mug
anything with a handle
Sellotaped to it?
No, my definition of a mug
is someone that can't find a box
in that house.
LAUGHTER
OK, here's my judgement. Before we
even see Tim, I'm disqualifying you.
Unbelievable.
But I'm not disqualifying you
because a wheelbarrow isn't a mug -
I'm disqualifying you
because you put the milk in first.
Alex, shall we see if Tim Key
entered the spirit
of the competition?
OK, here is Mr Tim Key's attempt.
Well, I'd like a...
I'd like a catapult.
But the other thing I want
is one of those things
that you throw balls with,
if you're a dog owner.
And also, sorry,
can I get a tennis ball?
So I worry I'm not gonna be
accurate over, like, 50 metres.
So what I need to do in addition
is build some kind of thing
with a sheet, which is like a,
you know, like a cup funnel,
where if the ball hits,
I just have to hit the sheet
and it will go into the cup.
Tim? You got a tennis ball?
Yeah, there's a tennis ball
in there. Thank you?
YES!
That's good.
Incredible.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now give us some facts and figures.
Well, it was a new world record.
Presumably. It was 23 metres
and 87 centimetres.
Whoa! It was the first throw.
This is an open and shut case.
The winner of the first task
tonight - Mr Tim Key.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, Alex, you're in charge of the
numbers, because of your character.
What are the scores?
So it's exciting for me.
There is a three-way tie
for the lead, as we can see here.
There are three on eight -
Tim Key, Frank Skinner and Romesh.
Outstanding. What's next, Alex?
Sort of art exercise task.
It's like jazzercise with...
It's fine. It's here.
"Using this device
to track your route..."
That device?
"..create the best image
for Taskmaster.
"You have one hour.
"Your time starts
when you take your first step."
Pop a balloon to signal
that you have finished your image.
What?
You're probably not the only person
who's confused by this.
Alex, explain very clearly
what this is about. Well, I'll try.
We gave the contestants
a GPS tracking device,
so wherever they moved, there would
be a little line following them.
It's a bit like Etch-A-Sketch,
but on a larger scale. OK?
OK. Who do you want to see first?
I'd like to see Josh first.
OK. Let's have a look at Josh.
This is a lot tougher
than I thought it was gonna be.
I'll tell you something for free.
That white line's not straight,
judging by the satellite.
Someone needs to have a word
with that groundsman.
You can't do much detail,
that's what I've learned.
So I've slightly messed up and I may
have to go into that person's house.
But great art comes at a cost,
I've always heard.
Come on, colour in, you fucker.
Yes!
I hate popping balloons.
POP!
You're redeeming yourself.
It's absolutely incredible.
Oh, thank you, Greg.
Do you know how I would deliver
that to you? Via wheelbarrow.
LAUGHTER
Who shall we see next?
Roisin knows you slightly better,
so she chose to draw something
that she thought you really liked.
Ah. OK?
Maybe I'll draw...a sausage.
Who doesn't like sausages? There's
not enough pictures of sausages.
I'm at the point of no return here.
I've made a model
of a pregnant lady.
Maybe that's what Greg's into.
Who doesn't like pregnant ladies?
He'd be hard-pushed
to criticise that.
I'm just sort of Tracey Emin-ing it.
Going with how I feel.
See what happens.
Making some shapes.
I'm back.
I've decided it's a bunch
of flowers. It's finished.
I mean, you've got to end somewhere.
This is...
There's only so many times I can
turn one drawing into another.
So it started off as a sausage, then
you changed to bacon pretty quickly.
The high point, I think,
was the pregnant lady.
You see the pregnant lady
with a tail. That wasn't bad.
Then I tried to turn it
into an angel...
Yeah, you went for
the Angel of the North,
but it swiftly ended up as that.
And you're calling that
a bunch of tulips.
It's a bunch of tulips.
You made several errors there.
You said,
"I'll turn it into a pregnant lady.
"He'd be hard-pushed
to criticise that."
And I'm one of the few people
in the world
who despises the pregnant community.
LAUGHTER
It's true. He's always
going on about it.
Ooh, coming in here, taking up more
than your fair share of space.
I hate to be the guy
to break it to you,
but it's now time
for the commercial break.
I'm so sorry.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where nobody can quite believe
that Romesh has made his
wedding ring available as a prize.
Are you putting your testicles
into the next show?
Scripted joke.
I presume Tim Key, as a poet, will
have some more artistic skills?
Tim's was sort of the stand-out
performance
and I don't know
if that's a good thing...yet.
What have the others drawn?
THUNDERCLAP
It's very bad conditions for art.
He seemed to cover
a hell of a distance to me. Yeah.
He was the only person
who did it for the whole hour
and he ran well over three miles.
It's a long painting.
What is it?
Well, firstly can I just say
that's the worst hour of my life.
Secondly, I started off
trying to draw a key.
Then I crossed it out.
And then I literally thought,
well, I mean,
I've got half an hour -
I may as well go for a run.
Frank completed his picture in
eight minutes. Just so you know.
Do you want to see it? Yes.
OK, his and Romesh's are
grouped together. This is them.
Think the goal's a slight problem.
Not gone the way I'd hoped early
doors, I'll be honest with you.
This is a lot more difficult
than I thought it was gonna be.
That's all right.
I'm just gonna have to make
the best of this.
And the balloons aren't helping,
by the way, just as a little tip.
This is just my rough draft.
Gonna pop a balloon.
POP!
I've only gone and framed it, mate.
Smashed it.
Got a flipping border on it, yeah?
What is it?
It's actually my son's hobby horse.
Ah! Romesh? Incredibly accurate
self-portrait, right?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I thought that you'd like
a picture of me.
We've really got on
on this show, haven't we?
Are those oblongs your ears?
That was supposed to be
the frame of the picture.
Hold on - this isn't you
in a cardboard box?
LAUGHTER
Don't applaud that.
It's not funny. You're celebrating
the persecution
of one of the members of the show.
It was meant to be a dig
at the homeless.
If we can just take them
and the pregnant people down,
this'd be a better world, right?
Oh, I mean,
it's a fatal mistake, Romesh.
It's a really good painting, but why
on earth do I want a picture of you?
It's absolutely
fucking preposterous.
I'm going to score them
in reverse order.
Obviously, sausage girl is last.
Have you seen Frank's?!
That looks like a hobby horse.
It does look like a hobby horse.
Oh, come on. I've got tulips
and the Angel of the North, and...
Yours looks like a duck
in a golf bag. Well...
Just to make it absolutely clear,
if you'd have told me that
that was a drawing of
a duck in a golf bag,
you'd be right at the top
of the pile.
Fourth, Frank. Third, Tim Key.
I've no idea what it is, mate.
I was doing mine in a storm.
I should give you a bonus point
for risking your life,
but I'm not going to.
Romesh, I don't want that,
and I never want to see it again,
but I have to recognise
it's actually a picture,
so I'm gonna put you
in second place.
And I'll thank you to
give me a smile.
Yes, oh... Boop.
Now the party's started.
And the winner of that task,
of course -
the only artist in the group -
the wonderful Mr Josh Widdicombe
wins.
OK. Quick check on the scores,
please, Alex Horne.
OK, so the top three.
Romesh Ranganathan's in first place,
followed by Tim Key,
then Frank Skinner.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Very exciting task next.
Let's have a look.
Aye-aye.
Money.
Oh, my word. £20.
"Buy the best present
for the Taskmaster.
"Here is £20.
"You have ten weeks.
"Your time starts now."
Hmm. I know exactly
what to buy that goon.
So it doesn't say I have to buy it
with the £20, does it?
So it could be "Buy the
best present for the Taskmaster..."
As in, like, a Jeep.
And then, "Here's £20."
LAUGHTER
I want you to know now that if any
of them have bought me a Jeep,
they've definitely won. Yes!
Let's go. Tim... Yeah, but...
Can I have your lovely gift?
Yeah, sure.
But I worry that, usually if you
go first, it's the shittest one.
Yeah, I mean, that is generally
the way this series has...
I'm quietly confident.
What a small Jeep.
Could be, like, the keys
for a Jeep, right?
Yeah, it could be. Thin keys.
That's your stage name, innit?
Used to be.
And he's bought me some
national book tokens.
Let me guess - 20 quid's worth.
£16 worth.
The card was four.
No. No way is that a £4 card.
That was four, yeah.
Thanks very much.
You definitely haven't won.
Well, I'd like Frank's gift now,
if that's all right?
Thank you very much.
Looks like a glasses case.
It is a glasses case.
Bam.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Cool.
Now, do you notice anything special?
Yeah. This.
Yeah, if that...
Oh, I CAN notice something special.
Yes! Now it's happening.
These glasses have got
wing mirrors on them.
Yes. You can...
So I can see behind me.
They are see-behind-me sunglasses.
Oh, my God! I absolutely love them.
And the main use of them, of course,
is I'll be able to see
if there's any of those bastard
pregnant women behind me.
I mean, I can't believe
they're gonna get beaten.
I absolutely love them.
Thank you very much.
Let's have a look at Romesh's.
Thanks, mate.
Really hope you like it.
I commissioned this piece for you.
I mean, I don't know.
I just genuinely don't know...
It's amazing.
So, Romesh, did you draw it
while walking around a field?
What's with the duck feet?
I wanted to show that you
were all-terrain. Like...
You got him the Jeep?
Sort of next best thing to a Jeep,
I was about to say. Nice.
So, you know, you could handle
any sort of situation,
even if there wasn't a box provided.
You'd be able to handle it
like the legend you are.
It's really beautiful.
Thanks, Romesh.
You're very welcome.
I think I'll have a look at
Josh's gift next, please.
I've felt we've been
getting on very well, Greg.
Yeah, I think it's gone all right.
I thought you'd worry
that I'd forget you after this.
So...I've got a tattoo.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Can we see it?
Well, you could have
gift-wrapped it.
I mean...
Is it real? It is, yeah.
Fuck me!
It's impossible to beat. Or is it?
Come forth.
OK. You have to open it
very carefully.
It's something you said you wanted.
You were drunk.
You said you were into them.
Oh! Uh-oh.
You've got to be kidding me!
That is an amazing present.
Cos it was only £17, I got you
three scratchcards as well.
Watch and learn, Key.
Look, I've got my own mouse.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
He's also called Greg.
So, like, I've got
a tattoo of his name.
Thank you very much. No worries.
But morally, we are encouraged
not to give animals as presents.
Yeah, we are.
Don't worry, I'm not keeping him.
Oh!
Obviously, the book tokens are last.
Sorry, Romesh, yours is...
If you hadn't stuck
duck's feet on me,
you would have been right up there.
That's coming in at fourth.
Unbelievable.
I'll be using the sunglasses
every day,
but they've got to
come in third place.
I don't know what to do with
you two. Yeah, I do.
Anyone who permanently inks themself
up surely has to win this task.
Mr Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Show me the next task.
Colouring pens. Old school.
Fat ones.
Another day, another egg.
"Using only the items
currently on this table,
"get this egg as high as possible.
"Highest wins.
The egg must not break.
"You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."
Get it as high as possible
using these items?
So I've got colouring pens.
Well, why would I use pens?
A measuring tape. Scissors.
OK. I've just got paper and that's
it? Sure you got everything?
Could have done with a box, really.
So, just to make it clear,
they can't break the egg.
If they break the egg, they're
disqualified? That's right.
One egg
and get it as high as possible.
Yeah, let's have a look at Romesh.
Fuck!
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know what the hell to do.
Oh, bollocks!
Yeah? I make that 111.
Pfft! I'm not gonna lie -
I do think this has gone badly.
Let's get this straight.
You're an ex-teacher. Yeah.
After 20 minutes, the aim being to
get an egg as high as you can...
Yeah. ..you put an egg
onto a ream of paper.
And pens. On the pens as well.
Oh, I'm sorry. And on top of the
pens. Yes. How high did Romesh...?
One metre 11, cos of the pens.
It would have been one metre 10.
That was more or less how mine came.
It was exactly how yours came.
So he'd already got a head start.
If only there'd been
a cardboard box somewhere.
There wasn't a box, man!
Let's have a look at somebody
who's not gonna come last.
OK, so... You're in the lead,
Romesh. Where's Roisin?
Does it have to stay
as high as possible
for a certain amount of time?
What are you thinking?
Throw it up and catch it.
Surprise, surprise, Romesh -
not last. Unbelievable.
If I'd caught it, it would have
been a real success story.
Oh, God, you're right.
Now I've heard your explanation,
I'm gonna make you win this task.
I mean, honestly, this is gonna
sound a little bit harsh.
If it were up to me, you'd be
kicked off the show for that.
Who's next? Poet Tim Key?
Ah, the poet and the egg.
Pfft! Oh, God.
That sort of thing. What's that?
A goose. I'm gonna boil an egg.
Major Sellotape.
Argh! I hate crafts.
I'm going to have to go outside.
That's promising. Two minutes.
Egg. Argh!
One minute 30.
Bollocks! Crap! Fuck off.
One minute ten. OK.
How long? 41 seconds.
How long? 26 seconds.
Argh!
Oh, God!
WHISTLE BLOWS
20 seconds away. Yeah?
This round is turning into who
can NOT break an egg in 20 minutes?
One of my problems
was I didn't notice the saucepan
and the electric cooker
on the table.
I'm really sorry
you didn't see them.
Maybe I'll give you an extra point.
If you... I swear to God, man.
No, I'm just saying
they clearly weren't on display.
And that's not fair, is it?
No, you're really pissing me
off tonight. Like...
Who are we gonna see next?
The final two - Frank and Josh.
"Get this egg as high as possible."
It doesn't have to be at that height
for very long.
Can I throw the egg in the air?
Just gonna build a crash mat
of paper.
Oh, hang on.
What if I wrap the egg
several times in this paper?
Giving it a bit of protection,
and then throw it really high?
I can't completely judge
the trajectory.
I'll try and go straight up,
straight down.
How long have I got left for it?
Nine 41?
Five and a half minutes. OK.
So, yeah, the secret I think
is to, when you catch it,
you go down with it
so it doesn't crack.
You've one minute, Josh. One minute.
Ready? I'm really nervous.
No!
I'm sure you're all thinking
the same thing as me.
I'm amazed I give a shit.
But it genuinely is quite tense,
isn't it? Yes.
Yeah, so at this point,
Josh's egg got to six metres 80.
Frank's got to eight metres.
Frank's is higher.
So Frank is potentially
gonna clean up here.
Shall we see if the eggs broke? OK.
Ready?
No!
Oh. It's fine!
You all right, Frank?
Never mind if I'm all right.
How did that not break?
Um...didn't work out.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
I was so confident. I couldn't
see anything going wrong.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
Difficult to know what was sadder -
the image of you losing your eggy
friend, or you falling over.
Like I said, years of playing
cricket have stood me in good stead.
So it was a sort of minor miracle.
Josh's egg...
I mean, I don't know
why you threw it again.
No, I don't know. I got a kind of
rush of blood to the head.
The thing with eggs,
because they're borne by birds,
if they land on grass,
they're designed not to break.
Is this why birds
don't wrap them in paper?
I never thought I would be
announcing this score.
Three people have failed the task.
Josh is obviously the winner,
and against all natural odds,
in second place, Romesh Ranganathan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Remember, later on, someone might be
depriving Tim Key of a piston.
I know, right?
See you after the break
for the final live action task.
Yes, I will.
Welcome back to the final part of
this four-part Taskmaster story.
Alex, how are the scores looking?
Well, Frank's in third,
Josh Widdicombe in second,
and Romesh Ranganathan's
in first place.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And soon we will have a winner.
I would like Josh
to read out the task, please.
"Stand up after 100 seconds."
Thank you, Josh. It was a lovely
voice. Oh, thank you very much, Alex.
OK, just to be clear of the rules,
you need to sit on your hands.
You must not look at
your watch, Romesh.
Is it a vibrate watch? Pardon? No.
Can I have your watch, please, mate?
What? Can I have your watch?
Take the man's watch.
It's like a showbiz mugging.
LAUGHTER
Right, so it's very simple.
Alex will blow his whistle.
You must work out in your head
how long 100 seconds is,
and stand up
when you think it's past.
Alex.
BLOWS WHISTLE
Pretty exciting.
Tim, how many seconds do you think
you're on at the moment? 35?
Alex, Romesh seems to me
really nervous.
Is there anything
you could give Romesh
that would sort of give him
a little lift?
Cos look how nervous he looks.
Ah, there, look.
That should give him a little...
LAUGHTER
It's gonna give him a boost.
It's not funny, man.
Josh, how many seconds do you
think you're on at the moment?
One. One?
Bam! You idiot!
Oh, my God.
Someone has just jumped
themselves into last place,
ladies and gentlemen.
What was it?
You can't sit back down.
I'm not gonna stand up.
Is she having another go?
Up!
Widdicombe's gone.
I already went. Ooh!
Fuck you, man!
He's up. They're all up.
Exciting stuff. Alex, you work out
who was the most accurate.
Everybody come down.
We'll add it to the final scores.
We'll see how you did.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, interestingly, Roisin stood up
both first and last.
And was furthest outside
of the 100 both times.
Wow! That's amazing.
You were in last place twice.
Frank Skinner
was the fourth closest. Oh, no!
These two were exactly the same.
Romesh and Tim both stood up
about 12 seconds after 100 seconds.
Josh Widdicombe, five seconds
after the 100 seconds.
He stood up on 105 seconds.
Wow. Impressive.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Final scores are these.
Ooh! Nice.
A tie-break situation. How exciting.
Alex, I have no idea
how we're gonna resolve this.
We have a Taskmaster
tie-breaker question. Oh.
So I'm gonna ask you both a
question. It's a number question.
Whichever of you is closest to the
right answer, you're gonna win, OK?
The question is, please give me
Frank Skinner's age in minutes.
He's a maths teacher!
What are the three options?
It's not multiple choice, mate.
OK, shall we go for it, Greg?
Who do you want to ask first?
I want to ask Josh Widdicombe first.
Oh, I don't know.
It's really unfair
that I have to go first.
Can't he go first? OK.
LAUGHTER
Romesh, I require you
to guess first.
To save your wedding ring.
Can't he go first?
Absolutely not.
I don't know. About 150,000?
Well, that's embarrassing.
Just a bit higher. Like, 200,000.
So Frank Skinner
is 30,505,028 minutes old.
Which means that Josh Widdicombe
is the closest.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And so the former maths teacher
loses his wedding ring.
The winner of the show today,
ladies and gentlemen,
is Mr Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done. That's all for today.
I've been the Taskmaster
and this has been Taskmaster.
Thank you, Alex. Don't mention it.
You, Mr Widdicombe,
may go and collect your prize.
Ladies and gentlemen, what a haul.
Josh Widdicombe!
And remember,
when you have a handful of hope
and a heart full of sorrow, when
all your dreams are in one basket,
but the chicken
has flown the coop...
Join us next time on Taskmaster.
Good night.
Oh! I imagine your wife's gonna
be genuinely upset, yeah?
It's not gonna be a good night.
Subtitles by Ericsson
CTO M849F/82
BF000000
Argh!
Hello. I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.
Like you, I enjoy making people
do the jobs I don't want to do,
especially when those people
are famous comedians
and the jobs
are absolutely ludicrous.
So, over the course of several
months, several top comedians
have been doing some
spectacularly odd tasks for me.
They have no idea how each other
did, but they will soon find out.
Let's see who they are.
He's recently been awarded an OBE,
we presume,
because this is going to be
repeated, realistically.
Mr Frank Skinner.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He's got rosy cheeks, curly hair,
and a very successful career.
It's Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
She has genuinely over 40,000
unread emails in her inbox,
because she is bad at certain
aspects of life. It's Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He used to be happy, but since
we've been filming this show,
he's not any more.
It's Romesh Ranganathan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He gets asked to do
a lot of voiceover work,
but I think his face is fine.
It's Tim Key.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
As always, I will be assisted
and encouraged by my assistant,
Alex Horne.
Alex, please remind us
of the first task.
OK. The first task, as always,
is the prize task.
Each contestant has brought in
one of their own personal
possessions for the prize haul.
This time, we've asked them to
bring in their most meaningful item.
Tim, you get to pitch to me first.
Hit me.
I brought in a piston.
OK, well, you know I like
to give people a chance
to justify their decisions,
but I will say this is shit.
Go on. Yeah.
As you know, I won the
Edinburgh Comedy Award in 2009...
Doesn't necessarily translate
into TV work, does it?
Oh, well, hang on. To be fair,
it's only been six years.
Anyway, the point being,
when I did my show,
I was very proud of my show,
and it was kind of quite
an emotional thing to win it.
My show was scattered with
all these weird and wonderful props,
like fridges and stuff like that.
But I couldn't keep it,
cos I didn't have a flat of my own,
so I got rid of everything
from the show, apart from my piston.
And so the piston is very important
to me. It means a lot to me,
and I'm putting that up
into the prize gallery.
Now I feel like a total shit.
Romesh.
We haven't actually
exchanged any words,
and you look furious
with me already.
Backstage, I gave Romesh a
little encouraging tap on the nose.
I went boop!
And who wouldn't like that?
I went, "Good luck, everyone!"
Boop to Romesh.
He went, "What the fuck was that?"
But what the fuck WAS that?
Yeah, sorry. Romesh.
What have you brought and why?
I have brought in something
that's fairly meaningful to me. OK.
It's my wedding ring.
Ooh!
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Jesus! It is genuinely
your wedding ring?
Yes, it's genuinely my wedding ring.
Does your wife know?
She doesn't... Well...
Is that a no?
No, she doesn't.
She doesn't know.
All of these prizes are absolutely
genuine, and the winner of this show
will take the prizes home, so Romesh
could lose his own wedding ring.
But I am, like, genuinely in deep
trouble if that doesn't come home.
So am I if I turn up in it tonight.
LAUGHTER
Roisin, what have you brought in
that's meaningful?
I have brought in a dictionary.
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, God. That is the worst!
It's not, actually.
There's more meaning in that
than in his rubbish ring,
and his fake piston.
Oh, dear, Roisin.
Don't hit her!
Boop!
To be fair, it is the present
so far that I most want.
I'm sure Romesh's wife
will be delighted to hear that.
Josh, what did you bring in?
In the mid to late '90s,
my father started writing
a string of angry letters
to the local newspaper,
which no publisher
wanted to make into a book.
So he got it published himself...
Oh, no.
..and he'd... I Blame The Beatles
by Tom Widdicombe.
You know, and, and you thought
the dictionary would be
the most boring book around. But...
And it's the only copy I've got,
which is a personalised book
from my father.
Have you read it, Josh?
You've not read your own dad's book?
So meaningful!
What is your problem?
No, I have read it. I have read it.
And it's a real slice of life.
Wow! Now, there's a quote
for the back cover.
What did you bring, Frank?
I brought in
my small child's hobby horse.
Aww!
This means a great deal to me,
because when I was a child,
I really, really wanted
a hobby horse.
They'd just been invented.
And my family could only afford
to get me the stick.
To me, it means that because I've
got more money than my dad had,
I'm able to give him
something I didn't have.
And I actually had to sneak it out
of the house to bring it here,
because he plays with it every day.
So he'll be at home now, going...
Lump of sugar.
There's two ways of looking at this.
There's the sweet part of you
that felt
you didn't have a proper hobby
horse, so you bought your son one,
but then you thought, no,
why should he have one?
And you took it back off him.
And now you've got a four in five
chance of losing it.
You've gotta speculate
to accumulate. This time tomorrow,
he might be reading round the garden
on a piston.
In fifth place,
it'll be Roisin Conaty, obviously.
Fourth, I'm gonna put
Josh's dad's book in.
Oh, what?
A gift from my dad,
who I no longer speak to!
But you... Oh...
I know for a fact
it's not that way round.
He won't speak to you, cos
you didn't read his fucking book.
Third, I'm gonna put the piston,
because it's a piston.
Second for Frank and you know,
how can I deny someone
who is actively trying to wreck
his own marriage on television?
The winner of the first task
tonight - Romesh Ranganathan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So this is how the leader board
is looking at the moment.
There we go, Romesh -
you're in the lead. Fantastic.
And all the meaningful prizes
are up there
if you want to gaze at
the absolute tat
that these people could take home.
They're in the box up there.
Not necessarily meaningful
to you, but still,
you could always sell
the wedding ring and buy a fridge.
OK, what's our first
proper task tonight?
Well, it's... Let's have a look.
I slightly struggled
with the door handle there.
I wondered
if that might be the task.
Big fan of tea, so this is
a real boost to me. Right.
"Throw a tea bag into a mug
from the furthest distance.
"You have exactly one hour.
Your time starts now."
I reckon
I'll be pretty good at this.
Played a lot of cricket in my youth.
What's the longest part
of the house?
But how will I get it
into the mug...?
I'm just thinking about length,
I'm not thinking about any accuracy.
"What's the longest part
of the house?"
I've grouped Romesh,
Roisin and Frank together.
Do you want to see how they did it?
Oh, God, yes. OK.
The key clearly is...
do you want wet tea bags?
Dry tea bags, rubbish.
Let's do this!
I've only brought out one tea bag.
Let's just see where I am
as an average.
No.
Wet it! I need to wet it!
What if I put loads of
tea cups around,
and just increase my chances?
That's the... I reckon
that's the best way of doing it.
Oh, God!
You kidding me? What's...?
Fuck you!
That's the first one in.
Just to clarify,
it's the furthest distance for me
to throw a tea bag into a mug? Yeah.
So it doesn't necessarily mean
horizontally?
Yes! It was there.
Straight in. Five metres exactly.
It's infallible.
Fuck you! Oh, my God.
The last batch of squares I've got,
and then I'm gonna have to
start tidying up like a chump
and then re-use them. I didn't think
I'd get to this point.
There's so many of 'em.
I have to say,
when I picture the others,
I don't see them getting
this kind of distance.
Poets, girls...
Some will take the first 45 minutes
realising it's better
if they're wet.
Just realised,
I should probably wet them.
LAUGHTER
I would quite like them
to make that realisation.
Unbelievable. So good to discover
this so late on.
It's added so much to the distance.
It's rendered everything we've done
up to this point
completely irrelevant.
There.
I just moved my hand a little bit,
but it's there. It's in the mug.
YEAH!
Come on! COME ON!
What, mate?
The worst thing about it was,
I regretted it, but I thought,
"God, I wonder if anyone else
has figured out
"about wetting the tea-bags?"
But they had done within 30 seconds.
Oh, within a heartbeat.
Even the person
whose first question was,
"What's the longest part
of the house?"
realised quickly
that she had to wet it.
Yeah, that's not, you know...
I'm not proud of what happened.
What distance did Romesh get?
Was it impressive?
It's about eight and a half dogs.
I've measured it... Well, if...
I've done a system
of eight and a half dogs,
presuming a dog is a metre long.
So eight and a half metres.
How many dogs did Roisin do?
2.4 dogs.
It was very accurate,
and it wasn't the best
or second or third or fourth best.
LAUGHTER
Frank, amazing structure.
Presumably a good distance?
It was 10. 10.04 metres.
Where did he get the box from?
There was no box like that
available when I was doing it.
There was definitely a box there.
There was no box, mate.
I'm telling you now,
there was no box.
There was a box available. You just
haven't got box-searching skills.
Also, you couldn't work out
whether to wet the tea bags.
Do you really think you'd have
come up with the box idea? Yeah.
I didn't even have taps in my one.
I had to urinate on my tea bags.
That's the lack of facilities
I was given.
I don't know what kind of game
you're running here,
but I'm not happy about it,
all right?
That's an impressive performance,
and so comforting to know that
two of the three people
know what a box looks like.
There was no box, mate! Boop!
That's better.
Time for a quick break.
See you ludicrously soon.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Now, where were we?
Frank is in the lead at the moment.
Shall we have a look at Josh?
Yeah, let's have a look at Josh.
I would argue a mug is a receptacle
larger than a cup,
that you drink tea out of,
with a handle.
So if I was to drink tea out of this
before the end of the hour
to prove it was a mug,
then I think I've got myself a mug.
I'll just attach
the handle like that.
So I've got two mugs there.
Tea bag taped to a golf ball.
Ooh!
Well, it went in,
but it didn't stay in.
Definitely still a mug?
Yeah, of course it is.
Ask me if it's a mug when we share a
cup of tea out of it later on, mate.
Box. Box.
Is the handle still attached?
Yes. Is it still a mug? Yes.
If he was to dispute
whether it was a mug...
I don't think he should dispute
it's a mug,
but you've got to cover yourself
against these things, haven't you?
Come on!
Oh!
Right, tea.
To prove that it's a mug, we're
gonna have high tea from the mug.
I don't think I can imagine
it's a mug until I see you...
Yeah, I'm gonna drink the tea.
A lovely cup of British tea.
Thank you, Josh. Thanks for the tea.
It's all right, mate.
Lovely.
I didn't get a box.
He's got a wheel...
It's like a bloody B&Q warehouse
when he's doing it!
You've just got to look.
I mean, golf balls,
specialist mugs, construction set.
It's just an absolute...
That is unbelievable!
I couldn't believe how much
stuff there was there.
All of those things
were available to you.
No, they weren't, mate.
No, they weren't.
How far did Josh
throw the tea bag, first of all?
OK, well, the distance
was 15 metres and ten centimetres.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Is it in a mug? That's up to you.
Josh, is your definition of a mug
anything with a handle
Sellotaped to it?
No, my definition of a mug
is someone that can't find a box
in that house.
LAUGHTER
OK, here's my judgement. Before we
even see Tim, I'm disqualifying you.
Unbelievable.
But I'm not disqualifying you
because a wheelbarrow isn't a mug -
I'm disqualifying you
because you put the milk in first.
Alex, shall we see if Tim Key
entered the spirit
of the competition?
OK, here is Mr Tim Key's attempt.
Well, I'd like a...
I'd like a catapult.
But the other thing I want
is one of those things
that you throw balls with,
if you're a dog owner.
And also, sorry,
can I get a tennis ball?
So I worry I'm not gonna be
accurate over, like, 50 metres.
So what I need to do in addition
is build some kind of thing
with a sheet, which is like a,
you know, like a cup funnel,
where if the ball hits,
I just have to hit the sheet
and it will go into the cup.
Tim? You got a tennis ball?
Yeah, there's a tennis ball
in there. Thank you?
YES!
That's good.
Incredible.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now give us some facts and figures.
Well, it was a new world record.
Presumably. It was 23 metres
and 87 centimetres.
Whoa! It was the first throw.
This is an open and shut case.
The winner of the first task
tonight - Mr Tim Key.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, Alex, you're in charge of the
numbers, because of your character.
What are the scores?
So it's exciting for me.
There is a three-way tie
for the lead, as we can see here.
There are three on eight -
Tim Key, Frank Skinner and Romesh.
Outstanding. What's next, Alex?
Sort of art exercise task.
It's like jazzercise with...
It's fine. It's here.
"Using this device
to track your route..."
That device?
"..create the best image
for Taskmaster.
"You have one hour.
"Your time starts
when you take your first step."
Pop a balloon to signal
that you have finished your image.
What?
You're probably not the only person
who's confused by this.
Alex, explain very clearly
what this is about. Well, I'll try.
We gave the contestants
a GPS tracking device,
so wherever they moved, there would
be a little line following them.
It's a bit like Etch-A-Sketch,
but on a larger scale. OK?
OK. Who do you want to see first?
I'd like to see Josh first.
OK. Let's have a look at Josh.
This is a lot tougher
than I thought it was gonna be.
I'll tell you something for free.
That white line's not straight,
judging by the satellite.
Someone needs to have a word
with that groundsman.
You can't do much detail,
that's what I've learned.
So I've slightly messed up and I may
have to go into that person's house.
But great art comes at a cost,
I've always heard.
Come on, colour in, you fucker.
Yes!
I hate popping balloons.
POP!
You're redeeming yourself.
It's absolutely incredible.
Oh, thank you, Greg.
Do you know how I would deliver
that to you? Via wheelbarrow.
LAUGHTER
Who shall we see next?
Roisin knows you slightly better,
so she chose to draw something
that she thought you really liked.
Ah. OK?
Maybe I'll draw...a sausage.
Who doesn't like sausages? There's
not enough pictures of sausages.
I'm at the point of no return here.
I've made a model
of a pregnant lady.
Maybe that's what Greg's into.
Who doesn't like pregnant ladies?
He'd be hard-pushed
to criticise that.
I'm just sort of Tracey Emin-ing it.
Going with how I feel.
See what happens.
Making some shapes.
I'm back.
I've decided it's a bunch
of flowers. It's finished.
I mean, you've got to end somewhere.
This is...
There's only so many times I can
turn one drawing into another.
So it started off as a sausage, then
you changed to bacon pretty quickly.
The high point, I think,
was the pregnant lady.
You see the pregnant lady
with a tail. That wasn't bad.
Then I tried to turn it
into an angel...
Yeah, you went for
the Angel of the North,
but it swiftly ended up as that.
And you're calling that
a bunch of tulips.
It's a bunch of tulips.
You made several errors there.
You said,
"I'll turn it into a pregnant lady.
"He'd be hard-pushed
to criticise that."
And I'm one of the few people
in the world
who despises the pregnant community.
LAUGHTER
It's true. He's always
going on about it.
Ooh, coming in here, taking up more
than your fair share of space.
I hate to be the guy
to break it to you,
but it's now time
for the commercial break.
I'm so sorry.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where nobody can quite believe
that Romesh has made his
wedding ring available as a prize.
Are you putting your testicles
into the next show?
Scripted joke.
I presume Tim Key, as a poet, will
have some more artistic skills?
Tim's was sort of the stand-out
performance
and I don't know
if that's a good thing...yet.
What have the others drawn?
THUNDERCLAP
It's very bad conditions for art.
He seemed to cover
a hell of a distance to me. Yeah.
He was the only person
who did it for the whole hour
and he ran well over three miles.
It's a long painting.
What is it?
Well, firstly can I just say
that's the worst hour of my life.
Secondly, I started off
trying to draw a key.
Then I crossed it out.
And then I literally thought,
well, I mean,
I've got half an hour -
I may as well go for a run.
Frank completed his picture in
eight minutes. Just so you know.
Do you want to see it? Yes.
OK, his and Romesh's are
grouped together. This is them.
Think the goal's a slight problem.
Not gone the way I'd hoped early
doors, I'll be honest with you.
This is a lot more difficult
than I thought it was gonna be.
That's all right.
I'm just gonna have to make
the best of this.
And the balloons aren't helping,
by the way, just as a little tip.
This is just my rough draft.
Gonna pop a balloon.
POP!
I've only gone and framed it, mate.
Smashed it.
Got a flipping border on it, yeah?
What is it?
It's actually my son's hobby horse.
Ah! Romesh? Incredibly accurate
self-portrait, right?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I thought that you'd like
a picture of me.
We've really got on
on this show, haven't we?
Are those oblongs your ears?
That was supposed to be
the frame of the picture.
Hold on - this isn't you
in a cardboard box?
LAUGHTER
Don't applaud that.
It's not funny. You're celebrating
the persecution
of one of the members of the show.
It was meant to be a dig
at the homeless.
If we can just take them
and the pregnant people down,
this'd be a better world, right?
Oh, I mean,
it's a fatal mistake, Romesh.
It's a really good painting, but why
on earth do I want a picture of you?
It's absolutely
fucking preposterous.
I'm going to score them
in reverse order.
Obviously, sausage girl is last.
Have you seen Frank's?!
That looks like a hobby horse.
It does look like a hobby horse.
Oh, come on. I've got tulips
and the Angel of the North, and...
Yours looks like a duck
in a golf bag. Well...
Just to make it absolutely clear,
if you'd have told me that
that was a drawing of
a duck in a golf bag,
you'd be right at the top
of the pile.
Fourth, Frank. Third, Tim Key.
I've no idea what it is, mate.
I was doing mine in a storm.
I should give you a bonus point
for risking your life,
but I'm not going to.
Romesh, I don't want that,
and I never want to see it again,
but I have to recognise
it's actually a picture,
so I'm gonna put you
in second place.
And I'll thank you to
give me a smile.
Yes, oh... Boop.
Now the party's started.
And the winner of that task,
of course -
the only artist in the group -
the wonderful Mr Josh Widdicombe
wins.
OK. Quick check on the scores,
please, Alex Horne.
OK, so the top three.
Romesh Ranganathan's in first place,
followed by Tim Key,
then Frank Skinner.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Very exciting task next.
Let's have a look.
Aye-aye.
Money.
Oh, my word. £20.
"Buy the best present
for the Taskmaster.
"Here is £20.
"You have ten weeks.
"Your time starts now."
Hmm. I know exactly
what to buy that goon.
So it doesn't say I have to buy it
with the £20, does it?
So it could be "Buy the
best present for the Taskmaster..."
As in, like, a Jeep.
And then, "Here's £20."
LAUGHTER
I want you to know now that if any
of them have bought me a Jeep,
they've definitely won. Yes!
Let's go. Tim... Yeah, but...
Can I have your lovely gift?
Yeah, sure.
But I worry that, usually if you
go first, it's the shittest one.
Yeah, I mean, that is generally
the way this series has...
I'm quietly confident.
What a small Jeep.
Could be, like, the keys
for a Jeep, right?
Yeah, it could be. Thin keys.
That's your stage name, innit?
Used to be.
And he's bought me some
national book tokens.
Let me guess - 20 quid's worth.
£16 worth.
The card was four.
No. No way is that a £4 card.
That was four, yeah.
Thanks very much.
You definitely haven't won.
Well, I'd like Frank's gift now,
if that's all right?
Thank you very much.
Looks like a glasses case.
It is a glasses case.
Bam.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Cool.
Now, do you notice anything special?
Yeah. This.
Yeah, if that...
Oh, I CAN notice something special.
Yes! Now it's happening.
These glasses have got
wing mirrors on them.
Yes. You can...
So I can see behind me.
They are see-behind-me sunglasses.
Oh, my God! I absolutely love them.
And the main use of them, of course,
is I'll be able to see
if there's any of those bastard
pregnant women behind me.
I mean, I can't believe
they're gonna get beaten.
I absolutely love them.
Thank you very much.
Let's have a look at Romesh's.
Thanks, mate.
Really hope you like it.
I commissioned this piece for you.
I mean, I don't know.
I just genuinely don't know...
It's amazing.
So, Romesh, did you draw it
while walking around a field?
What's with the duck feet?
I wanted to show that you
were all-terrain. Like...
You got him the Jeep?
Sort of next best thing to a Jeep,
I was about to say. Nice.
So, you know, you could handle
any sort of situation,
even if there wasn't a box provided.
You'd be able to handle it
like the legend you are.
It's really beautiful.
Thanks, Romesh.
You're very welcome.
I think I'll have a look at
Josh's gift next, please.
I've felt we've been
getting on very well, Greg.
Yeah, I think it's gone all right.
I thought you'd worry
that I'd forget you after this.
So...I've got a tattoo.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Can we see it?
Well, you could have
gift-wrapped it.
I mean...
Is it real? It is, yeah.
Fuck me!
It's impossible to beat. Or is it?
Come forth.
OK. You have to open it
very carefully.
It's something you said you wanted.
You were drunk.
You said you were into them.
Oh! Uh-oh.
You've got to be kidding me!
That is an amazing present.
Cos it was only £17, I got you
three scratchcards as well.
Watch and learn, Key.
Look, I've got my own mouse.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
He's also called Greg.
So, like, I've got
a tattoo of his name.
Thank you very much. No worries.
But morally, we are encouraged
not to give animals as presents.
Yeah, we are.
Don't worry, I'm not keeping him.
Oh!
Obviously, the book tokens are last.
Sorry, Romesh, yours is...
If you hadn't stuck
duck's feet on me,
you would have been right up there.
That's coming in at fourth.
Unbelievable.
I'll be using the sunglasses
every day,
but they've got to
come in third place.
I don't know what to do with
you two. Yeah, I do.
Anyone who permanently inks themself
up surely has to win this task.
Mr Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Show me the next task.
Colouring pens. Old school.
Fat ones.
Another day, another egg.
"Using only the items
currently on this table,
"get this egg as high as possible.
"Highest wins.
The egg must not break.
"You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."
Get it as high as possible
using these items?
So I've got colouring pens.
Well, why would I use pens?
A measuring tape. Scissors.
OK. I've just got paper and that's
it? Sure you got everything?
Could have done with a box, really.
So, just to make it clear,
they can't break the egg.
If they break the egg, they're
disqualified? That's right.
One egg
and get it as high as possible.
Yeah, let's have a look at Romesh.
Fuck!
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know what the hell to do.
Oh, bollocks!
Yeah? I make that 111.
Pfft! I'm not gonna lie -
I do think this has gone badly.
Let's get this straight.
You're an ex-teacher. Yeah.
After 20 minutes, the aim being to
get an egg as high as you can...
Yeah. ..you put an egg
onto a ream of paper.
And pens. On the pens as well.
Oh, I'm sorry. And on top of the
pens. Yes. How high did Romesh...?
One metre 11, cos of the pens.
It would have been one metre 10.
That was more or less how mine came.
It was exactly how yours came.
So he'd already got a head start.
If only there'd been
a cardboard box somewhere.
There wasn't a box, man!
Let's have a look at somebody
who's not gonna come last.
OK, so... You're in the lead,
Romesh. Where's Roisin?
Does it have to stay
as high as possible
for a certain amount of time?
What are you thinking?
Throw it up and catch it.
Surprise, surprise, Romesh -
not last. Unbelievable.
If I'd caught it, it would have
been a real success story.
Oh, God, you're right.
Now I've heard your explanation,
I'm gonna make you win this task.
I mean, honestly, this is gonna
sound a little bit harsh.
If it were up to me, you'd be
kicked off the show for that.
Who's next? Poet Tim Key?
Ah, the poet and the egg.
Pfft! Oh, God.
That sort of thing. What's that?
A goose. I'm gonna boil an egg.
Major Sellotape.
Argh! I hate crafts.
I'm going to have to go outside.
That's promising. Two minutes.
Egg. Argh!
One minute 30.
Bollocks! Crap! Fuck off.
One minute ten. OK.
How long? 41 seconds.
How long? 26 seconds.
Argh!
Oh, God!
WHISTLE BLOWS
20 seconds away. Yeah?
This round is turning into who
can NOT break an egg in 20 minutes?
One of my problems
was I didn't notice the saucepan
and the electric cooker
on the table.
I'm really sorry
you didn't see them.
Maybe I'll give you an extra point.
If you... I swear to God, man.
No, I'm just saying
they clearly weren't on display.
And that's not fair, is it?
No, you're really pissing me
off tonight. Like...
Who are we gonna see next?
The final two - Frank and Josh.
"Get this egg as high as possible."
It doesn't have to be at that height
for very long.
Can I throw the egg in the air?
Just gonna build a crash mat
of paper.
Oh, hang on.
What if I wrap the egg
several times in this paper?
Giving it a bit of protection,
and then throw it really high?
I can't completely judge
the trajectory.
I'll try and go straight up,
straight down.
How long have I got left for it?
Nine 41?
Five and a half minutes. OK.
So, yeah, the secret I think
is to, when you catch it,
you go down with it
so it doesn't crack.
You've one minute, Josh. One minute.
Ready? I'm really nervous.
No!
I'm sure you're all thinking
the same thing as me.
I'm amazed I give a shit.
But it genuinely is quite tense,
isn't it? Yes.
Yeah, so at this point,
Josh's egg got to six metres 80.
Frank's got to eight metres.
Frank's is higher.
So Frank is potentially
gonna clean up here.
Shall we see if the eggs broke? OK.
Ready?
No!
Oh. It's fine!
You all right, Frank?
Never mind if I'm all right.
How did that not break?
Um...didn't work out.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
I was so confident. I couldn't
see anything going wrong.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
Difficult to know what was sadder -
the image of you losing your eggy
friend, or you falling over.
Like I said, years of playing
cricket have stood me in good stead.
So it was a sort of minor miracle.
Josh's egg...
I mean, I don't know
why you threw it again.
No, I don't know. I got a kind of
rush of blood to the head.
The thing with eggs,
because they're borne by birds,
if they land on grass,
they're designed not to break.
Is this why birds
don't wrap them in paper?
I never thought I would be
announcing this score.
Three people have failed the task.
Josh is obviously the winner,
and against all natural odds,
in second place, Romesh Ranganathan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Remember, later on, someone might be
depriving Tim Key of a piston.
I know, right?
See you after the break
for the final live action task.
Yes, I will.
Welcome back to the final part of
this four-part Taskmaster story.
Alex, how are the scores looking?
Well, Frank's in third,
Josh Widdicombe in second,
and Romesh Ranganathan's
in first place.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And soon we will have a winner.
I would like Josh
to read out the task, please.
"Stand up after 100 seconds."
Thank you, Josh. It was a lovely
voice. Oh, thank you very much, Alex.
OK, just to be clear of the rules,
you need to sit on your hands.
You must not look at
your watch, Romesh.
Is it a vibrate watch? Pardon? No.
Can I have your watch, please, mate?
What? Can I have your watch?
Take the man's watch.
It's like a showbiz mugging.
LAUGHTER
Right, so it's very simple.
Alex will blow his whistle.
You must work out in your head
how long 100 seconds is,
and stand up
when you think it's past.
Alex.
BLOWS WHISTLE
Pretty exciting.
Tim, how many seconds do you think
you're on at the moment? 35?
Alex, Romesh seems to me
really nervous.
Is there anything
you could give Romesh
that would sort of give him
a little lift?
Cos look how nervous he looks.
Ah, there, look.
That should give him a little...
LAUGHTER
It's gonna give him a boost.
It's not funny, man.
Josh, how many seconds do you
think you're on at the moment?
One. One?
Bam! You idiot!
Oh, my God.
Someone has just jumped
themselves into last place,
ladies and gentlemen.
What was it?
You can't sit back down.
I'm not gonna stand up.
Is she having another go?
Up!
Widdicombe's gone.
I already went. Ooh!
Fuck you, man!
He's up. They're all up.
Exciting stuff. Alex, you work out
who was the most accurate.
Everybody come down.
We'll add it to the final scores.
We'll see how you did.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, interestingly, Roisin stood up
both first and last.
And was furthest outside
of the 100 both times.
Wow! That's amazing.
You were in last place twice.
Frank Skinner
was the fourth closest. Oh, no!
These two were exactly the same.
Romesh and Tim both stood up
about 12 seconds after 100 seconds.
Josh Widdicombe, five seconds
after the 100 seconds.
He stood up on 105 seconds.
Wow. Impressive.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Final scores are these.
Ooh! Nice.
A tie-break situation. How exciting.
Alex, I have no idea
how we're gonna resolve this.
We have a Taskmaster
tie-breaker question. Oh.
So I'm gonna ask you both a
question. It's a number question.
Whichever of you is closest to the
right answer, you're gonna win, OK?
The question is, please give me
Frank Skinner's age in minutes.
He's a maths teacher!
What are the three options?
It's not multiple choice, mate.
OK, shall we go for it, Greg?
Who do you want to ask first?
I want to ask Josh Widdicombe first.
Oh, I don't know.
It's really unfair
that I have to go first.
Can't he go first? OK.
LAUGHTER
Romesh, I require you
to guess first.
To save your wedding ring.
Can't he go first?
Absolutely not.
I don't know. About 150,000?
Well, that's embarrassing.
Just a bit higher. Like, 200,000.
So Frank Skinner
is 30,505,028 minutes old.
Which means that Josh Widdicombe
is the closest.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And so the former maths teacher
loses his wedding ring.
The winner of the show today,
ladies and gentlemen,
is Mr Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done. That's all for today.
I've been the Taskmaster
and this has been Taskmaster.
Thank you, Alex. Don't mention it.
You, Mr Widdicombe,
may go and collect your prize.
Ladies and gentlemen, what a haul.
Josh Widdicombe!
And remember,
when you have a handful of hope
and a heart full of sorrow, when
all your dreams are in one basket,
but the chicken
has flown the coop...
Join us next time on Taskmaster.
Good night.
Oh! I imagine your wife's gonna
be genuinely upset, yeah?
It's not gonna be a good night.
Subtitles by Ericsson