Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Pie Whisperer - full transcript
New. Comedians get competitive as devious Greg Davies sets them absurd challenges! Identifying pie contents and making a film backwards are on the agenda here.
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TASKMASTER 02, THE PIE WHISPERER
CTO M848L/82
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Hello. I'm Greg Davies.
This is Taskmaster,
and I am the Taskmaster.
As well as a truly magnificent
comedian, I'm also a human,
which means that, like all humans,
I take pleasure
in watching people struggle
to do simple things.
So over the past few months,
I've set a series of tricky tasks
to five seriously competitive
comedians.
They have no idea how each other
did, but they'll soon find out.
I shall be judging both what
they did and how they did it.
My word is final. I like this role.
Let's meet the contestants now.
He's one in a million,
as he's from Birmingham,
which has a population of one
million. It's Frank Skinner.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Not true!
Secondly, a man whose hair and
voice I still find surprising -
Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
She once dropped my by flat with
two family packs of meatballs,
one of which she ate by herself -
Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next to her is a man who is
as angry as his beard is thick -
Romesh Ranganathan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And finally,
he's been in Hollywood films,
but when I showed pictures
of all of these people to my mother,
he was the one she didn't know -
it's Tim Key.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And as always,
I'm helped and massaged
by my personal assistant,
Alex Horne.
Alex, tell the good people
about the first task. OK.
I think you're doing a very
professional job, by the way.
Good. I'm sorry, is this...
is this the banter?
Yes, that was the banter.
Yeah, that was the banter. Very good.
What's the first task?
So the first task in this show
is a prize task.
Each of the contestants
have brought in
one of their own possessions
for the prize haul.
And they're gonna be awarded points
for their prizes,
depending on how impressed you are
by them and their prizes.
This is all their actual stuff
which is... It's unusual.
Well, that is one of
the USPs of this show.
So this time, you've asked them to
bring in their most impressive item.
Yeah, I did.
So, Tim, let's start with you.
You need to impress me with the item
you've brought in as a prize.
What did you bring me?
I brought a
London Marathon participants' medal.
I completed the London Marathon.
In 2009, I ran the London Marathon.
APPLAUSE
I'm genuinely speechless!
You did the London Marathon.
Why are you speechless?
Well, I don't know.
We've known each other
for a little while now
and I would have bet my life
that you've never run the marathon.
That's like saying,
"I've known you for a while now
and I think you're fat."
Great opener.
Romesh, what have you brought?
I've brought in an Arsenal cap
that was not only just worn by me,
but was also thrown
from the Arsenal tour bus
in the celebrations following
the 2001/2002 double.
It came from a player.
I don't know which one.
Someone might have thrown it from
the other side, just over the bus.
That's like he's just been told
Father Christmas doesn't exist.
I mean, the bad news for you
is I can't bear football.
When I'm King, it'll be banned.
So it's not looking good. Roisin?
I have brought a bottle
of champagne,
but it's not a normal bottle -
it's a massive bottle of champagne
that has the quantity
of eight normal-size bottles of
champagne in it. It's worth £550.
AUDIENCE: Woo!
Yeah. It's not what I'd call
an achievement.
A giant amount of champagne.
I drink an awful lot. I'm impressed.
Are you? You're not more impressed
by that than by the Arsenal cap?
What, I'm not more impressed by that
than you catching
someone's tossed-off hat?
Guys, I'm having a party
round at mine today.
Oh, brilliant! What is it -
a champagne party?
No, I just got a hat.
But the category is not shit
that would be great at a party.
It's most impressive.
It's stuff that'll impress me.
Old pisshead here just got a
massive bottle of champagne
and that's more impressive?!
Who has a bottle of
champagne that size?
You've obviously got a problem.
And that's being celebrated here.
I've got a hat
from the winning team, mate.
Roisin, I'll tell you now -
you're gonna beat Romesh's hat.
Josh Widdicombe.
This... I really don't wanna lose it
as well,
but this represents the greatest
achievement of my life.
It is the trophy I won
when I won on Pointless.
AUDIENCE: Woo!
Wow!
The whole set-up for that
is just so that we know
that Josh won Pointless. No!
And that's the whole reason
he put that up there.
Is that because
the celebrity of your hat's
been rather downgraded
in the last ten minutes?
Josh, when you were on Pointless,
all the money you won went to
charity, didn't it? Correct. Yeah.
Well done, mate.
Thank you. Thank you.
This is bullshit, man!
And the only thing that you got
from Pointless, the trophy... Yeah.
..you're now giving
that away as well. Yeah. Aw!
And do you know what?
If I wasn't giving it away,
next time Arsenal won a trophy,
I'd go down, throw it over the bus
and someone else could have it.
I'll bet you would.
Mr Skinner, what did you bring?
The only hat
that really looks good on me
is the one that you get out
of a cracker at Christmas -
you know, the paper crown.
And I put that on and I think,
"I love this."
But you can't wear it
all the year round.
The seam is unreliable.
Someone made me a leather
cracker crown. There it is.
What you think, Alex?
I think it's a really odd item.
Well, it's up to you.
I'm just admin, so...
OK. Just thought I'd try
and draw you in a bit.
No, I appreciate that, mate.
Are you impressed? That's the...
Yeah, I think I am impressed.
Think it's really nice.
If only you'd have tossed it
over a bus.
Well, the most impressive thing
to me, straight in there,
I'll tell you now, is that
Tim Key run the Marathon.
Sort of a compliment, isn't it?
The second most impressive is the
leather hat, then the champagne,
then the Pointless trophy,
then the rubbish Arsenal hat.
It's done!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I got a "Woo!"
I was the only one that got a "Woo!"
I know.
I feel like I've shafted you over,
but it's too late now.
No, it's not. Because of that, Josh
is angry and the league table...
Ah!
It was only Celebrity Pointless.
Oh, what?!
Honestly, this Arsenal hat's looking
more and more attractive, mate.
You know we can change this?
Yeah, I think he's being very rude,
if I'm being honest.
No, I'm only joking. It's rubbish.
A treasure trove
of impressiveness up there.
At the end of the show,
the one who triumphs over the task
will head up, look smug and then
take all of those prizes home.
Time for a proper task. Alex.
Yes? Let's have one.
OK, then. Here it is.
Hello, Alex. Hello, Alex.
Hello, Tim. Hello, chaps.
Feels like being Bond,
but it's sort of shittier.
"High-five a 55-year-old. Fastest
wins. Your time starts now."
It's really rude to go up to
people, isn't it, and ask?
Ooh!
Ooh! What emotions were going
through your mind
when you made that noise?
Well, as Josh intimated,
it's quite difficult
to go up to someone and say,
"Excuse me, are you 55?"
That sort of wrote off all the women
in the shopping centre for a start.
It's a terrible chat-up line.
I also did think, does the average
55-year-old know what a high five is?
Or will they just think
I'm a Nazi approaching them?
You've got your hand... Yeah, yeah.
Let's see how Romesh and the Nazi
got on, shall we?
I'm looking for a 55-year-old. What
do they look like? I don't know.
Excuse me, sir. Are you 55?
No. What are you saying?
Well, how badly have I got it wrong?
Seven years.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
You look great, though, honestly.
What an insult that is.
I'm...I'm saying that to everyone.
I said it to a 12-year-old earlier,
so don't...
I'm just trying my luck.
This is going badly. Really badly.
No, no, I'm... Younger. ..73.
Oh, what?! You look fantastic.
Excuse me. You're not by
any chance...? No, I'm not, no.
Could I do people
that make up a 55-year-old?
You're 30 and you're...? 29.
Oh, I was really hoping you
were gonna say 25.
I've got to high-five a 55-year-old.
I wondered if I could do it
in two halves.
20 quid if you're 55. 51?
I'm not gonna be here
for four years.
It's not gonna work, sorry.
27? Well I could high-five you now,
and this gives me some option.
How old are you? 27.
27! That's 54.
Can I just high-five you anyway,
and do the maths?
Cheers. Thanks very much.
If I got a one-year-old now...
Can I high-five a one-year-old?
Do you wanna do a high five?
A little high five? Ping.
Lickle high five, just a
lickle high five for Frankie?
Lickle high five?
No high five, no ice cream.
Please, please.
Here we go, Max and...
high five!
Two 27-year-olds and a one-year-old.
I'm gonna claim that.
How old are you? 51. 50.
Would you high-five me?
OK, I'm gonna give you 20 quid,
so thank you.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Interesting flourish
from the lady at the end.
Yeah, it was a bit creepy,
that, man. Like, like...
Yeah, almost as creepy
as threatening to take
a baby's ice cream off them.
I was desperate by that stage.
I don't know whether to allow
Frank Skinner the points.
There's no way you can, mate.
I think inventiveness should be seen
as an additional thing
rather than a minus thing.
But if I said I was going out
with a 54-year-old,
and then I turned up
with two 27-year-olds...
I'd go, "Legend!"
Actually, that'd be better.
What I found interesting is once
you'd made your rubbish sign,
you were also almost
totally emotionless.
Well, well...
It was almost like you'd been
hypnotised by your own sign.
To be honest with you,
when I'd done the sign,
I was feeling pretty pleased
with myself.
And I just thought all I need to do
is just stand here,
and the 55-year-olds
are gonna come rolling in.
I don't know, Frank.
I'm gonna have to mull on it
a bit more.
I don't know whether I can allow
your Frankenstein 55-year-olds.
Isn't it better to be inventive
than to just pay people?
No, it's much better to chase down
a one-year-old
and take away their ice cream.
You're absolutely right.
They got it back.
I'm so sorry, Mother Theresa.
Tell me the times.
Well, Romesh high-fived
a 50-year-old after an hour.
OK. Wow!
I mean, Jesus Christ.
I thought you'd only stood catatonic
with a shit sign for ten minutes.
No, it's an hour.
An hour, then you found a
50-year-old?! And then he gave up.
How long did it take Frank
to bend the rules?
He created a 55-year-old
after 12 minutes and 44 seconds.
Wow.
I'm afraid we have to stop here
and have a break,
but we'll conclude this story soon.
Welcome back. Hope you had
an excellent break.
We certainly did.
Well, look, we'd better move on.
What about Mr Tim Key?
Yeah, we have Tim Key's progress...
just here.
Let's see how you got on.
Excuse me.
I'm doing a...shooting a TV show
for Comic Relief.
GASPS
Is it possible to high-five you?
Sure. Thank you. And how old are you?
55.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm done!
Phenomenal, right?
For me, that was...
Yeah, obviously there's an issue.
We'll deal with that.
You are beyond the pale!
And everyone's applauding.
Well done.
Pretending it's for Comic Relief.
Oh, we love you, Tim.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Just remind me, Alex - what is
Comic Relief? What do they do?
They do a lot of charitable work.
They help people in need.
It's great to get their
name out, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
Let's see how Roisin got on.
OK, so Roisin had a different
approach to Tim.
Roisin was straight in there.
I've grouped her with Josh,
because they were both pretty fast.
Excuse me, sir. How old are you?
Do you mind me asking?
44. OK, you're too young, sorry.
How am I gonna do this?
Excuse me, sir,
can I ask how old you are?
This is just my worst nightmare.
Excuse me, madam. You're not 55?
No. No worries. Thank you.
You're not 55, are you? I'm 60.
Oh! Well, it's a compliment.
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking I could be insulting
some people here.
Excuse me, madam.
I've got a very quick question.
You're not in your 50s, are you?
I'm afraid I am.
OK, you're not 55, are you?
No, I'm older than that, I'm afraid.
Oh, God, you look very young!
Well done.
So neither of you are 55, are you?
And a bit more. And a bit more?
Yeah. Thanks for your honesty.
I've got to high-five someone
who's 55 and you're not 55.
I'm 60. You're 60?! No.
This lady's 55, aren't you?
Are you 55? Yeah.
Can I give you a high five?
There we go.
Done?
You're 55? Please, please.
I just have to get you
to high-five me.
Done it! You're welcome.
Thank you so much.
Fair and square.
I mean, to the untrained eye,
it sort of looked like
you cuffed a person
in a wheelchair there.
Your sign was way better
than Romesh's, I thought. Yeah.
I put a bit of colour in it
and I didn't offer money,
like I was trying to buy someone.
Roisin was the first
person who sort of recognised
that it is embarrassing
to be asked your age.
There was lots of apologising.
She was very friendly, she was very
polite and she was very quick.
She came in at six minutes
and 12 seconds.
Six minutes and 12 seconds.
Didn't hit a disabled person,
didn't use a charity.
What was Josh's time?
Josh, three minutes 18 seconds.
Jesus Christ!
And Tim Key, four minutes 29.
So Josh... Four minutes 29.
Josh was the quickest.
Josh was the quickest,
Tim was second quickest.
It's depending whether you want to
factor in any of the charity lying.
To be fair to Key, on the card,
it didn't specify that you...
Oh, no, it didn't specify,
"Don't use a charity as a lie."
It didn't specify, "Don't punch
an old woman in the face either."
So the only way to make it right
is for Tim Key
to pledge something
to Comic Relief, right?
Yeah, fine. How much? £185.
£185. Where's that come from?!
It feels right. It feels right.
It's not too much,
but it's quite a lot of money.
At the moment, you're gonna
take four juicy points home.
You're in second place.
I'm gonna drop you down to third
unless you give £185
to Comic Relief. Yes or no?
OK. How much to go back up to one?
No way! Shut up. Shut up, Josh!
Don't point at me!
I'd never even thought of that.
Look at the way you're sitting!
I always sit like this!
What could I get for £500?
How much for first?
12 and half grand.
Ooh, you sod!
Take it or leave it.
Hold it. Can I buy second?
Shit, I think I'll buy first.
What was it - 12 and a half grand?
I've probably got that on me.
I feel like we're choosing who's
gonna host the next World Cup!
He's gonna go down a place for
mentioning charity. Roisin's second.
The winner of that task is Mr Josh
Widdicombe, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's all very interesting, but we
have to have a break now. Goodbye.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five highly-paid comedians
are fighting over
a leather party hat.
Alex, how are the scores looking?
Pretty good.
I've updated the scoreboard.
We can see it up there.
At the moment, in first place, it's
still Tim Key, despite the issues.
So, Alex, what does
the next task involve?
It involves our friend,
everyone's friend, pastry.
I like it so far.
Wow! A lot of pie.
Before I even open the envelope,
I'm not happy with this.
But anyway, here we go.
"Identify the contents
of these pies.
"You may touch the pies.
"But you may not breach
their pastry." What?
It's impossible, mate.
Lot of pie!
Good impression.
Someone's trying to get
a catchphrase.
You've gone into every task
and said that.
This is the first time
it's made sense.
Who do you want to see first of all?
Actually, I'll see how the
old master Frank Skinner did.
The master did it like this.
Warm. I wasn't expecting that.
Oh, this one's cold.
Can I say, I haven't done
any breaching here,
but what I can see through it,
I think I can see a sliver of onion,
which makes me think maybe
steak and onion for this one.
This is a mighty pie.
It's saying cheese to me.
I'm thinking cheese and potato,
steak and onion.
I'm thinking steak and ale
for that one.
I'm thinking steak and kidney
for this at the moment.
And this one,
I do think steak and ale.
I mean I've written steak
three times.
This one,
because it's got a seed topping,
I think this is a vegetarian pie.
I think it's sweet potato and leek.
My feeling is, Frank,
that you were hoping to sense
the contents of the pies.
Yes. Yes, I took a psychic approach.
Sort of a pie whisperer? Yes.
Shall we see some more?
Yeah, these are the results
of what was actually in the pies.
OK, so this is the one that
I think is steak and kidney.
Actually, it's got a picture in it
of the Taskmaster.
That would have taken
some surmising.
Right, OK.
Well, I said cheese and potato,
but the way it's going,
it could be Scandinavia.
Oh. This looks like
steak and kidney.
Steak pie. This one
I thought was steak and onion.
There's something really hard
in this one.
It's...it's frozen peas.
This one should be steak and ale.
Yeah, this is actually not easy to
pick up with a knife and fork.
Marbles.
That was very wrong.
You know, I've gone a bit normal
on my guesses.
You approached this
with the impression
that all pies have steak in them.
Except for the one that did
have steak in them.
That was the only one he...
Did he not get that one right?
But you know when they
laboratory-test Uri Geller,
and he says, "The conditions aren't
right for my powers tonight?"
That's how it felt.
Everything said to me
you'd got some proper pies.
I mean, marbles
and a picture of you.
Let's move on from the steak
whisperer, can we? OK. Who's next?
We're gonna look at Romesh and Josh,
who were slightly more
detective-like.
This seems absurd.
It seems utterly impossible.
I'm not a pie expert,
I'm gonna be honest with you.
I don't really...
I've had pies in the past -
I'm not saying I'm a pie virgin,
but...
OK, I'm gonna try smelling.
I can't tell anything.
OK, I'm gonna try the other ones.
It's a very pastry smell.
It's got black seeds on it.
It's got quite a big top.
I think this has had
the bottom cut out of it.
OK, so I'm thinking these
have been made specially.
Very heavy. You can see...
Ah, mate, come on!
That looks like, to me, it looks
like a marble, and it's heavy.
So that's what I'm going with
for that. Glass marbles.
This is hot. That's marbles.
So, you squeeze the pies.
If that isn't marbles and
it's, like, cheese and potato,
I'm gonna look like
an absolute idiot.
This is really light. Nothing.
OK, well I can see that one...
Smashed that one - didn't breach
it. Frozen peas, mate.
Boom!
This is a heavy pie.
I think that's pie.
I think the contents is pie.
Smells beery or something.
Looks like to me that's
a standard steak and kidney.
Smashed it, mate.
Really impressive.
You're not a pie expert?
It would appear you are.
Some really great detective work
from both men, I thought.
Thank you. Rather than
just sensing the contents.
I don't wanna quibble...
You're gonna, though.
Yeah. You know you can't
breach the pies? Yeah.
He sort of breached them
with his eyes. Oh, Jesus Christ!
I've just got a lazy eye, Roisin,
all right? You don't have to...
It's just the thing
I've had since I was a kid.
You don't have to go on about it.
What do you mean,
he was doing it with his eye?
It's not the fucking X-Files.
There was holes in the pies
and he looked into the pies.
Well, what...?! That's a breach.
If it was a security building,
I would say it's a breach.
So if you look through
someone's window,
you've burgled them, have you?
No. But he definitely
breached something.
But clearly you're not meant to
look inside? And it's rude to...
Thank you. Well, what else
are you meant to do?!
I don't know, Josh!
Take them to an airport,
walk through security and say,
"What was in those pies?" It's a
thought. Wish I'd done that now.
Or just go, "Could you tell me
what's in this pie?
"It's for Comic Relief."
Yeah. You wanna see a breach?
This is a breach.
Oh, that was unintentional.
Pastry breach.
Well, that's unfair.
Peas.
But there's a slight element
of cream there.
Ah...it's a toothpaste pie.
Oh, my.... That is... Oh, my God!
That is horrible.
Oh! The bottom's fallen.
The bottom's fallen off.
I think you can describe
it as breached.
I didn't deliberately...
All right, I would describe that
as a breached pie.
Well, I don't care
what you'd describe it as.
It's an accident,
so I'm gonna carry on.
Oh, my, I've still got...
What is...?
That's horrible.
I can't believe it.
They're breached.
I admit, obviously,
that is a breach when it breaks.
I admitted that. I held my hands up.
I didn't try and cover it up.
That's a scandal. You did!
You said "peas" straight after.
No, I said, "Peace.
Let's all move on."
I don't know why you're just
giving up like this, mate.
I didn't breach that.
You breached it, man.
Sure you breached it.
Before you went into the room,
that pie wasn't breached.
When you left the room,
the pie had been breached.
There were other people in the room.
What - the cameraman
breached the pie?
Maybe he did - who knows?
We've just seen a film of you
breaching the fucking pie!
It's all right. It's OK.
Sorry, mate, but...
I don't think you breached the pie.
The bottom dropped out of it.
I lifted the pie. It's not got
sufficient structural integrity.
That's not my fault.
Frank didn't breach the pies.
Mystic Frank over there?
I'm not gonna take his strategy...
I'm sticking up for you.
Frank just sensed the pie...
So why didn't you do that rubbish?
Because it ended up being dog shit.
No offence, Frank.
No offence, Frank.
But you would've thought that
dog shit was steak, to be fair.
But I just lifted the pie out
and the pie...
It wasn't put together properly.
I've got some bad news for you,
cos later tonight,
I'm gonna be reversing my car
through your front room window.
Let's hope the house
has been built properly.
I'm slightly worried. If they were
this het-up about that breaching,
the next two, I mean,
they're gonna be furious. Oh, my God!
Are you a breacher? After all this?!
After we sat there and she said,
"He breached it with his eyes."
What have you done?
What have you done now?
That is technically a breach!
I'm disgusted!
Guys! Guys. If you've breached it,
I swear I'm gonna chair you!
Chill out! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
And if that chair breaks,
bad workmanship, right?
Guys. Papa don't breach.
APPLAUSE
Can we see another one?
Well, this is Tim and Roisin
together.
Can you breach the pastry for me?
If I asked you to, like,
punch that, would you do it?
Yes, I could punch the pie.
Just straight down?
Just like.
There's something in there.
There's a picture in there.
No!
What about if you taste it
and based on your reaction,
I decide what pie you're eating?
I haven't broken the rules.
Shall we give it a go? Yes.
That looks like it's way better
than you thought it was gonna be,
so I'm gonna go with steak.
Smells nice. I think
you'll enjoy that one. Do you?
Jesus!
Oh, it's got kidney in it,
doesn't it?
Through your face,
show me how you'd feel
if you had to eat the
whole lot of that pie.
Oh, Jesus, it's kidney pie.
That's a help. That feels
like it's beef pie.
I can try to unscrew it.
Yeah, unscrew it, yeah.
Well, that one's marbles.
Punch that one and then I'll
write something down. Ready? Yep.
Toothpaste.
You don't look like
you're having a nice time.
And that makes me think
that's not a nice-time pie.
Milk...milk pie?
I think... I'm gonna go with
a milk pie.
Did you enjoy the pies?
It wasn't a nice-time pie, no.
Which I think
is a possible new catchphrase
to replace "whole lot of pie" -
"nice-time pie".
I'm intrigued by you in this, Rois,
because you had a similar
idea to Tim,
in that you realised
you couldn't breach the pie,
but someone else could.
But then you sabotaged yourself
by moving away from Alex
and not looking
while he bit into the pies!
Why were you inventing
your own hurdles?
I thought if I could see his face
eating the pies,
then I'd be able to guess.
And then about ten minutes
after we'd finished it,
I thought I could have just got him
to smash the pies.
But I enjoyed watching him
eat the pies.
Well, it was a nice-time pie.
Tim, amazing. Straight in. Bam!
Read the small print.
What is even the point?
Oh, shut up, man.
What's the problem with this?
I didn't know I could've just said,
"Can you open the pies for me?"
It's up to Greg. How is that...?
It said, "You can't breach the pie."
It didn't say no-one else can.
You cannot breach the pie.
It doesn't say "you lot".
This is bullshit, man.
Utter bullshit.
I asked Alex if he could do it
for me and he said no,
because Tim is his better friend.
Did you say that? Well, it's true,
but I didn't say that.
It's true. Well, I tell you this,
Tim Key wins that task.
Simple as that. Bam! What?!
It's over. Tim Key - the winner,
ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Even after this whole
competition is over,
Frank still didn't know
what the toothpaste pie was.
Would you like to see it?
Oh, my God! Milk pie.
Is this a real pie
or something you've put together?
It's that yogurt pie?
Well, you're eating it.
Well, it tastes just exactly like
mint, like an Extra Strong Mint pie.
But it looks like Tippex.
Is it mint Tippex pie?
Even if you cut open each pie,
you still may not have known
what was in any of the pies.
It just never occurred to me
for a second, toothpaste.
Clearly.
Alex, how are the scores looking?
Right now, pleasingly,
they're all on odd numbers,
and the top two are Roisin Conaty
and Tim Key.
The next task is here.
"Do something that will look
impressive in reverse.
"The Taskmaster will see whatever act
you perform played backwards.
"You must therefore
do something backwards
"that will look impressive when
the footage is played in reverse."
If I jump off a cliff,
I'll jump onto the top of a cliff.
Is that what you're thinking? No.
So I'm gonna do something backwards?
I've got an idea
and it involves water.
I was just on my way to the toilet,
I think, there.
Off for a nice-time pie, were you?
I'm looking forward to seeing
these films. Who's first?
I think it would be nice
to see Josh Widdicombe.
Incredible.
You weren't playing it in reverse.
Wait till you see
that backwards, mate.
You said it was the most exciting
thing you'd ever done.
No, I didn't.
What a life you've lead.
Which, in reality, is being pulled
backwards on a skateboard.
Did I say that? Yeah, you did say
it, yeah. Yeah, I stand by it.
That's brilliant.
Let's have a look at another.
OK, I've got Tim Key next.
Ah, lovely.
Different approach - more cerebral.
Very nice.
There's an obvious question.
Why MILF?
It's film backwards.
It isn't.
It was a jaunty little piece.
No, I enjoyed it.
It was good. Who's next?
Frank. Frank next.
It's called Push-Up And Away.
CHEERING
Just a simple story
of one man's strength.
I thought, seeing it now,
it's quite poor.
When I'd only seen that...
When I'd only seen me doing it,
I thought,
well, there's no way
anyone will get anywhere near this.
And now I've watched it,
I'm just embarrassed.
It was sick.
Jesus, Frank! Come on, mate.
You're doing all right.
What with this and the toothpaste...
This is the worst night of my life.
He means minty Tippex, right?
Yeah, that minty Tippex pie.
Minty Tippex. Let's move on.
Do you want to see Roisin's?
Yes, I do. OK, here is Roisin.
I don't know where to start.
It was so genuinely beautiful.
That was the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.
Thanks, guys.
What's the significance of the wolf?
They're thirsty.
I thought it was a stand-alone
beautiful piece. Who's next?
The final one
is called Tree Wizard
and it's by Mr Romesh Ranganathan.
Sounds like we're in for
something else pretty moving.
Tree Wizard back from the dead
to create some balloons.
Tree Wizard. Hands together,
he creates a balloon.
Tree Wizard.
Has to make sure he
double-checks the balloon.
Tree Wizard. Oh, my God,
it's another balloon.
Tree Wizard. How many times
will he check the balloon?
Tree Wizard. Magical hands and
holy shit! It's another balloon.
Tree Wizard. Takes position.
What is he gonna do?
Tree Wizard.
Flies up to his tree
and waves goodbye to you.
Tree Wizard. Tree Wizard.
Tree Wizard.
CHEERING
Well, it wasn't profound, was it?
Are you all right, mate?
Do you know how long it took me
to find that song?
I thought it was brilliant, mate.
Thank you.
I thought it was absolutely
incredible.
There - straight compliment.
Thank you.
With each one you show,
mine gets worse.
It's become apparent
that this reverse film thing,
it's a young man's game.
Frank, I'm gonna put
in fourth place, even though I...
Fifth place. Oh, whoa!
Oh, I thought for a moment
someone had mentioned Comic Relief
in there.
Put above that Tim Key.
It was a jaunty little piece, but
it was just a guy making a jigsaw.
Above that, a powerful statement
about technology -
it's gonna be Josh Widdicombe.
And I cannot separate
the two masterpieces
that I'm putting in first place.
Roisin and Romesh -
our winners for this task.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We're through to the final part
of Taskmaster,
where all five comedians will be
participating in one final task,
here on the stage, fully naked.
Welcome back to the final section
of Taskmaster,
where all five our comedians
are desperate to take home Roisin's
massive bottle of champagne.
Who has the most hope at this stage?
Well, the top three,
Josh has 13 points,
Tim Key and Rosin Conaty
both have 16 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You will have noticed
that our comedians
are currently shackled to a bench.
I did that.
Frank Skinner, would you please
read out the final task?
"Crack the code, unshackle yourself
and sprint one metre. Fastest wins."
I like the fact that
I had to add "Fastest wins".
A lot of people would have
just guessed that. Are you ready?
Is there no clues?
How many possibilities are there?
It's 10,000, but in the Olympics,
you don't get a clue.
Like, you just have to...
This isn't in the Olympics.
Not yet. Not yet. Thank you, Frank.
There may be clues as we move on.
Let's see. This is a farce!
Your time starts... We're off.
He's got a plan, he's got a plan.
He's trying 0001.
It's gonna go up. All the way. Yeah.
Oh, fuck this, I'm just gambling.
Alex Horne, can I have a clue?
A clue. Oh, yeah.
The first two digits are my weight.
In what? In what? Exactly.
Numbers. In numbers.
Thank you, Tim.
In...stone. Stone.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Alex's weight in stone...
14?! I don't think so.
Can you give us the second clue?
The second one is a two-digit
number between 0 and 99.
Yes! What do you think the
second one will be?
Is it your weight, Greg?
It is my weight in stone.
So I was 13 stone.
They all got that.
Greg? Yeah.
What do you weigh?
Is it Greg's weight
or is that some sort of a...?
Aha!
CHEERING
Yes!
No!
It's now a race for last place
between Tim Key and Frank Skinner.
Yes!
Is this gonna be shown backwards?
He is more than 20 stone.
No! He's more than 20 stone?!
Yes, he is. Yeah.
CHEERING
Join me back on the floor.
Let's find out how those
have affected the final scores.
OK, Alex, can you just confirm
who won that task?
Roisin burst through the line first.
There was a bit of skulduggery.
Tim and Josh both looked at
her cracked code.
But there's nothing wrong
with that, necessarily. Classic Tim!
Josh did that one as well.
I know. I can't believe you've
enticed me to the dark side.
OK, here we go.
It's time for the final scores.
Alex? Yes, Greg?
Tell us the final scores.
OK, the final scores.
As you can see,
Roisin Conaty is this week's winner.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Congratulations, Roisin -
a powerful victory. How do you feel?
Like a hero.
Fine. Thank you to
all our wonderful contestants.
Thank you to Alex Horne,
half the man I am.
And congratulations, Roisin -
you may now go and collect
your wonderful prizes.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this week's winner - Roisin Conaty!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's it for this week.
And remember, if you try and lose,
then it isn't your fault.
But if you don't try and we lose,
then it's all your fault.
I don't know what that means.
Good night.
Subtitles by Ericsson
---
TASKMASTER 02, THE PIE WHISPERER
CTO M848L/82
BF000000
Argh!
Hello. I'm Greg Davies.
This is Taskmaster,
and I am the Taskmaster.
As well as a truly magnificent
comedian, I'm also a human,
which means that, like all humans,
I take pleasure
in watching people struggle
to do simple things.
So over the past few months,
I've set a series of tricky tasks
to five seriously competitive
comedians.
They have no idea how each other
did, but they'll soon find out.
I shall be judging both what
they did and how they did it.
My word is final. I like this role.
Let's meet the contestants now.
He's one in a million,
as he's from Birmingham,
which has a population of one
million. It's Frank Skinner.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Not true!
Secondly, a man whose hair and
voice I still find surprising -
Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
She once dropped my by flat with
two family packs of meatballs,
one of which she ate by herself -
Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next to her is a man who is
as angry as his beard is thick -
Romesh Ranganathan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And finally,
he's been in Hollywood films,
but when I showed pictures
of all of these people to my mother,
he was the one she didn't know -
it's Tim Key.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And as always,
I'm helped and massaged
by my personal assistant,
Alex Horne.
Alex, tell the good people
about the first task. OK.
I think you're doing a very
professional job, by the way.
Good. I'm sorry, is this...
is this the banter?
Yes, that was the banter.
Yeah, that was the banter. Very good.
What's the first task?
So the first task in this show
is a prize task.
Each of the contestants
have brought in
one of their own possessions
for the prize haul.
And they're gonna be awarded points
for their prizes,
depending on how impressed you are
by them and their prizes.
This is all their actual stuff
which is... It's unusual.
Well, that is one of
the USPs of this show.
So this time, you've asked them to
bring in their most impressive item.
Yeah, I did.
So, Tim, let's start with you.
You need to impress me with the item
you've brought in as a prize.
What did you bring me?
I brought a
London Marathon participants' medal.
I completed the London Marathon.
In 2009, I ran the London Marathon.
APPLAUSE
I'm genuinely speechless!
You did the London Marathon.
Why are you speechless?
Well, I don't know.
We've known each other
for a little while now
and I would have bet my life
that you've never run the marathon.
That's like saying,
"I've known you for a while now
and I think you're fat."
Great opener.
Romesh, what have you brought?
I've brought in an Arsenal cap
that was not only just worn by me,
but was also thrown
from the Arsenal tour bus
in the celebrations following
the 2001/2002 double.
It came from a player.
I don't know which one.
Someone might have thrown it from
the other side, just over the bus.
That's like he's just been told
Father Christmas doesn't exist.
I mean, the bad news for you
is I can't bear football.
When I'm King, it'll be banned.
So it's not looking good. Roisin?
I have brought a bottle
of champagne,
but it's not a normal bottle -
it's a massive bottle of champagne
that has the quantity
of eight normal-size bottles of
champagne in it. It's worth £550.
AUDIENCE: Woo!
Yeah. It's not what I'd call
an achievement.
A giant amount of champagne.
I drink an awful lot. I'm impressed.
Are you? You're not more impressed
by that than by the Arsenal cap?
What, I'm not more impressed by that
than you catching
someone's tossed-off hat?
Guys, I'm having a party
round at mine today.
Oh, brilliant! What is it -
a champagne party?
No, I just got a hat.
But the category is not shit
that would be great at a party.
It's most impressive.
It's stuff that'll impress me.
Old pisshead here just got a
massive bottle of champagne
and that's more impressive?!
Who has a bottle of
champagne that size?
You've obviously got a problem.
And that's being celebrated here.
I've got a hat
from the winning team, mate.
Roisin, I'll tell you now -
you're gonna beat Romesh's hat.
Josh Widdicombe.
This... I really don't wanna lose it
as well,
but this represents the greatest
achievement of my life.
It is the trophy I won
when I won on Pointless.
AUDIENCE: Woo!
Wow!
The whole set-up for that
is just so that we know
that Josh won Pointless. No!
And that's the whole reason
he put that up there.
Is that because
the celebrity of your hat's
been rather downgraded
in the last ten minutes?
Josh, when you were on Pointless,
all the money you won went to
charity, didn't it? Correct. Yeah.
Well done, mate.
Thank you. Thank you.
This is bullshit, man!
And the only thing that you got
from Pointless, the trophy... Yeah.
..you're now giving
that away as well. Yeah. Aw!
And do you know what?
If I wasn't giving it away,
next time Arsenal won a trophy,
I'd go down, throw it over the bus
and someone else could have it.
I'll bet you would.
Mr Skinner, what did you bring?
The only hat
that really looks good on me
is the one that you get out
of a cracker at Christmas -
you know, the paper crown.
And I put that on and I think,
"I love this."
But you can't wear it
all the year round.
The seam is unreliable.
Someone made me a leather
cracker crown. There it is.
What you think, Alex?
I think it's a really odd item.
Well, it's up to you.
I'm just admin, so...
OK. Just thought I'd try
and draw you in a bit.
No, I appreciate that, mate.
Are you impressed? That's the...
Yeah, I think I am impressed.
Think it's really nice.
If only you'd have tossed it
over a bus.
Well, the most impressive thing
to me, straight in there,
I'll tell you now, is that
Tim Key run the Marathon.
Sort of a compliment, isn't it?
The second most impressive is the
leather hat, then the champagne,
then the Pointless trophy,
then the rubbish Arsenal hat.
It's done!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I got a "Woo!"
I was the only one that got a "Woo!"
I know.
I feel like I've shafted you over,
but it's too late now.
No, it's not. Because of that, Josh
is angry and the league table...
Ah!
It was only Celebrity Pointless.
Oh, what?!
Honestly, this Arsenal hat's looking
more and more attractive, mate.
You know we can change this?
Yeah, I think he's being very rude,
if I'm being honest.
No, I'm only joking. It's rubbish.
A treasure trove
of impressiveness up there.
At the end of the show,
the one who triumphs over the task
will head up, look smug and then
take all of those prizes home.
Time for a proper task. Alex.
Yes? Let's have one.
OK, then. Here it is.
Hello, Alex. Hello, Alex.
Hello, Tim. Hello, chaps.
Feels like being Bond,
but it's sort of shittier.
"High-five a 55-year-old. Fastest
wins. Your time starts now."
It's really rude to go up to
people, isn't it, and ask?
Ooh!
Ooh! What emotions were going
through your mind
when you made that noise?
Well, as Josh intimated,
it's quite difficult
to go up to someone and say,
"Excuse me, are you 55?"
That sort of wrote off all the women
in the shopping centre for a start.
It's a terrible chat-up line.
I also did think, does the average
55-year-old know what a high five is?
Or will they just think
I'm a Nazi approaching them?
You've got your hand... Yeah, yeah.
Let's see how Romesh and the Nazi
got on, shall we?
I'm looking for a 55-year-old. What
do they look like? I don't know.
Excuse me, sir. Are you 55?
No. What are you saying?
Well, how badly have I got it wrong?
Seven years.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
You look great, though, honestly.
What an insult that is.
I'm...I'm saying that to everyone.
I said it to a 12-year-old earlier,
so don't...
I'm just trying my luck.
This is going badly. Really badly.
No, no, I'm... Younger. ..73.
Oh, what?! You look fantastic.
Excuse me. You're not by
any chance...? No, I'm not, no.
Could I do people
that make up a 55-year-old?
You're 30 and you're...? 29.
Oh, I was really hoping you
were gonna say 25.
I've got to high-five a 55-year-old.
I wondered if I could do it
in two halves.
20 quid if you're 55. 51?
I'm not gonna be here
for four years.
It's not gonna work, sorry.
27? Well I could high-five you now,
and this gives me some option.
How old are you? 27.
27! That's 54.
Can I just high-five you anyway,
and do the maths?
Cheers. Thanks very much.
If I got a one-year-old now...
Can I high-five a one-year-old?
Do you wanna do a high five?
A little high five? Ping.
Lickle high five, just a
lickle high five for Frankie?
Lickle high five?
No high five, no ice cream.
Please, please.
Here we go, Max and...
high five!
Two 27-year-olds and a one-year-old.
I'm gonna claim that.
How old are you? 51. 50.
Would you high-five me?
OK, I'm gonna give you 20 quid,
so thank you.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Interesting flourish
from the lady at the end.
Yeah, it was a bit creepy,
that, man. Like, like...
Yeah, almost as creepy
as threatening to take
a baby's ice cream off them.
I was desperate by that stage.
I don't know whether to allow
Frank Skinner the points.
There's no way you can, mate.
I think inventiveness should be seen
as an additional thing
rather than a minus thing.
But if I said I was going out
with a 54-year-old,
and then I turned up
with two 27-year-olds...
I'd go, "Legend!"
Actually, that'd be better.
What I found interesting is once
you'd made your rubbish sign,
you were also almost
totally emotionless.
Well, well...
It was almost like you'd been
hypnotised by your own sign.
To be honest with you,
when I'd done the sign,
I was feeling pretty pleased
with myself.
And I just thought all I need to do
is just stand here,
and the 55-year-olds
are gonna come rolling in.
I don't know, Frank.
I'm gonna have to mull on it
a bit more.
I don't know whether I can allow
your Frankenstein 55-year-olds.
Isn't it better to be inventive
than to just pay people?
No, it's much better to chase down
a one-year-old
and take away their ice cream.
You're absolutely right.
They got it back.
I'm so sorry, Mother Theresa.
Tell me the times.
Well, Romesh high-fived
a 50-year-old after an hour.
OK. Wow!
I mean, Jesus Christ.
I thought you'd only stood catatonic
with a shit sign for ten minutes.
No, it's an hour.
An hour, then you found a
50-year-old?! And then he gave up.
How long did it take Frank
to bend the rules?
He created a 55-year-old
after 12 minutes and 44 seconds.
Wow.
I'm afraid we have to stop here
and have a break,
but we'll conclude this story soon.
Welcome back. Hope you had
an excellent break.
We certainly did.
Well, look, we'd better move on.
What about Mr Tim Key?
Yeah, we have Tim Key's progress...
just here.
Let's see how you got on.
Excuse me.
I'm doing a...shooting a TV show
for Comic Relief.
GASPS
Is it possible to high-five you?
Sure. Thank you. And how old are you?
55.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm done!
Phenomenal, right?
For me, that was...
Yeah, obviously there's an issue.
We'll deal with that.
You are beyond the pale!
And everyone's applauding.
Well done.
Pretending it's for Comic Relief.
Oh, we love you, Tim.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Just remind me, Alex - what is
Comic Relief? What do they do?
They do a lot of charitable work.
They help people in need.
It's great to get their
name out, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
Let's see how Roisin got on.
OK, so Roisin had a different
approach to Tim.
Roisin was straight in there.
I've grouped her with Josh,
because they were both pretty fast.
Excuse me, sir. How old are you?
Do you mind me asking?
44. OK, you're too young, sorry.
How am I gonna do this?
Excuse me, sir,
can I ask how old you are?
This is just my worst nightmare.
Excuse me, madam. You're not 55?
No. No worries. Thank you.
You're not 55, are you? I'm 60.
Oh! Well, it's a compliment.
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking I could be insulting
some people here.
Excuse me, madam.
I've got a very quick question.
You're not in your 50s, are you?
I'm afraid I am.
OK, you're not 55, are you?
No, I'm older than that, I'm afraid.
Oh, God, you look very young!
Well done.
So neither of you are 55, are you?
And a bit more. And a bit more?
Yeah. Thanks for your honesty.
I've got to high-five someone
who's 55 and you're not 55.
I'm 60. You're 60?! No.
This lady's 55, aren't you?
Are you 55? Yeah.
Can I give you a high five?
There we go.
Done?
You're 55? Please, please.
I just have to get you
to high-five me.
Done it! You're welcome.
Thank you so much.
Fair and square.
I mean, to the untrained eye,
it sort of looked like
you cuffed a person
in a wheelchair there.
Your sign was way better
than Romesh's, I thought. Yeah.
I put a bit of colour in it
and I didn't offer money,
like I was trying to buy someone.
Roisin was the first
person who sort of recognised
that it is embarrassing
to be asked your age.
There was lots of apologising.
She was very friendly, she was very
polite and she was very quick.
She came in at six minutes
and 12 seconds.
Six minutes and 12 seconds.
Didn't hit a disabled person,
didn't use a charity.
What was Josh's time?
Josh, three minutes 18 seconds.
Jesus Christ!
And Tim Key, four minutes 29.
So Josh... Four minutes 29.
Josh was the quickest.
Josh was the quickest,
Tim was second quickest.
It's depending whether you want to
factor in any of the charity lying.
To be fair to Key, on the card,
it didn't specify that you...
Oh, no, it didn't specify,
"Don't use a charity as a lie."
It didn't specify, "Don't punch
an old woman in the face either."
So the only way to make it right
is for Tim Key
to pledge something
to Comic Relief, right?
Yeah, fine. How much? £185.
£185. Where's that come from?!
It feels right. It feels right.
It's not too much,
but it's quite a lot of money.
At the moment, you're gonna
take four juicy points home.
You're in second place.
I'm gonna drop you down to third
unless you give £185
to Comic Relief. Yes or no?
OK. How much to go back up to one?
No way! Shut up. Shut up, Josh!
Don't point at me!
I'd never even thought of that.
Look at the way you're sitting!
I always sit like this!
What could I get for £500?
How much for first?
12 and half grand.
Ooh, you sod!
Take it or leave it.
Hold it. Can I buy second?
Shit, I think I'll buy first.
What was it - 12 and a half grand?
I've probably got that on me.
I feel like we're choosing who's
gonna host the next World Cup!
He's gonna go down a place for
mentioning charity. Roisin's second.
The winner of that task is Mr Josh
Widdicombe, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's all very interesting, but we
have to have a break now. Goodbye.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five highly-paid comedians
are fighting over
a leather party hat.
Alex, how are the scores looking?
Pretty good.
I've updated the scoreboard.
We can see it up there.
At the moment, in first place, it's
still Tim Key, despite the issues.
So, Alex, what does
the next task involve?
It involves our friend,
everyone's friend, pastry.
I like it so far.
Wow! A lot of pie.
Before I even open the envelope,
I'm not happy with this.
But anyway, here we go.
"Identify the contents
of these pies.
"You may touch the pies.
"But you may not breach
their pastry." What?
It's impossible, mate.
Lot of pie!
Good impression.
Someone's trying to get
a catchphrase.
You've gone into every task
and said that.
This is the first time
it's made sense.
Who do you want to see first of all?
Actually, I'll see how the
old master Frank Skinner did.
The master did it like this.
Warm. I wasn't expecting that.
Oh, this one's cold.
Can I say, I haven't done
any breaching here,
but what I can see through it,
I think I can see a sliver of onion,
which makes me think maybe
steak and onion for this one.
This is a mighty pie.
It's saying cheese to me.
I'm thinking cheese and potato,
steak and onion.
I'm thinking steak and ale
for that one.
I'm thinking steak and kidney
for this at the moment.
And this one,
I do think steak and ale.
I mean I've written steak
three times.
This one,
because it's got a seed topping,
I think this is a vegetarian pie.
I think it's sweet potato and leek.
My feeling is, Frank,
that you were hoping to sense
the contents of the pies.
Yes. Yes, I took a psychic approach.
Sort of a pie whisperer? Yes.
Shall we see some more?
Yeah, these are the results
of what was actually in the pies.
OK, so this is the one that
I think is steak and kidney.
Actually, it's got a picture in it
of the Taskmaster.
That would have taken
some surmising.
Right, OK.
Well, I said cheese and potato,
but the way it's going,
it could be Scandinavia.
Oh. This looks like
steak and kidney.
Steak pie. This one
I thought was steak and onion.
There's something really hard
in this one.
It's...it's frozen peas.
This one should be steak and ale.
Yeah, this is actually not easy to
pick up with a knife and fork.
Marbles.
That was very wrong.
You know, I've gone a bit normal
on my guesses.
You approached this
with the impression
that all pies have steak in them.
Except for the one that did
have steak in them.
That was the only one he...
Did he not get that one right?
But you know when they
laboratory-test Uri Geller,
and he says, "The conditions aren't
right for my powers tonight?"
That's how it felt.
Everything said to me
you'd got some proper pies.
I mean, marbles
and a picture of you.
Let's move on from the steak
whisperer, can we? OK. Who's next?
We're gonna look at Romesh and Josh,
who were slightly more
detective-like.
This seems absurd.
It seems utterly impossible.
I'm not a pie expert,
I'm gonna be honest with you.
I don't really...
I've had pies in the past -
I'm not saying I'm a pie virgin,
but...
OK, I'm gonna try smelling.
I can't tell anything.
OK, I'm gonna try the other ones.
It's a very pastry smell.
It's got black seeds on it.
It's got quite a big top.
I think this has had
the bottom cut out of it.
OK, so I'm thinking these
have been made specially.
Very heavy. You can see...
Ah, mate, come on!
That looks like, to me, it looks
like a marble, and it's heavy.
So that's what I'm going with
for that. Glass marbles.
This is hot. That's marbles.
So, you squeeze the pies.
If that isn't marbles and
it's, like, cheese and potato,
I'm gonna look like
an absolute idiot.
This is really light. Nothing.
OK, well I can see that one...
Smashed that one - didn't breach
it. Frozen peas, mate.
Boom!
This is a heavy pie.
I think that's pie.
I think the contents is pie.
Smells beery or something.
Looks like to me that's
a standard steak and kidney.
Smashed it, mate.
Really impressive.
You're not a pie expert?
It would appear you are.
Some really great detective work
from both men, I thought.
Thank you. Rather than
just sensing the contents.
I don't wanna quibble...
You're gonna, though.
Yeah. You know you can't
breach the pies? Yeah.
He sort of breached them
with his eyes. Oh, Jesus Christ!
I've just got a lazy eye, Roisin,
all right? You don't have to...
It's just the thing
I've had since I was a kid.
You don't have to go on about it.
What do you mean,
he was doing it with his eye?
It's not the fucking X-Files.
There was holes in the pies
and he looked into the pies.
Well, what...?! That's a breach.
If it was a security building,
I would say it's a breach.
So if you look through
someone's window,
you've burgled them, have you?
No. But he definitely
breached something.
But clearly you're not meant to
look inside? And it's rude to...
Thank you. Well, what else
are you meant to do?!
I don't know, Josh!
Take them to an airport,
walk through security and say,
"What was in those pies?" It's a
thought. Wish I'd done that now.
Or just go, "Could you tell me
what's in this pie?
"It's for Comic Relief."
Yeah. You wanna see a breach?
This is a breach.
Oh, that was unintentional.
Pastry breach.
Well, that's unfair.
Peas.
But there's a slight element
of cream there.
Ah...it's a toothpaste pie.
Oh, my.... That is... Oh, my God!
That is horrible.
Oh! The bottom's fallen.
The bottom's fallen off.
I think you can describe
it as breached.
I didn't deliberately...
All right, I would describe that
as a breached pie.
Well, I don't care
what you'd describe it as.
It's an accident,
so I'm gonna carry on.
Oh, my, I've still got...
What is...?
That's horrible.
I can't believe it.
They're breached.
I admit, obviously,
that is a breach when it breaks.
I admitted that. I held my hands up.
I didn't try and cover it up.
That's a scandal. You did!
You said "peas" straight after.
No, I said, "Peace.
Let's all move on."
I don't know why you're just
giving up like this, mate.
I didn't breach that.
You breached it, man.
Sure you breached it.
Before you went into the room,
that pie wasn't breached.
When you left the room,
the pie had been breached.
There were other people in the room.
What - the cameraman
breached the pie?
Maybe he did - who knows?
We've just seen a film of you
breaching the fucking pie!
It's all right. It's OK.
Sorry, mate, but...
I don't think you breached the pie.
The bottom dropped out of it.
I lifted the pie. It's not got
sufficient structural integrity.
That's not my fault.
Frank didn't breach the pies.
Mystic Frank over there?
I'm not gonna take his strategy...
I'm sticking up for you.
Frank just sensed the pie...
So why didn't you do that rubbish?
Because it ended up being dog shit.
No offence, Frank.
No offence, Frank.
But you would've thought that
dog shit was steak, to be fair.
But I just lifted the pie out
and the pie...
It wasn't put together properly.
I've got some bad news for you,
cos later tonight,
I'm gonna be reversing my car
through your front room window.
Let's hope the house
has been built properly.
I'm slightly worried. If they were
this het-up about that breaching,
the next two, I mean,
they're gonna be furious. Oh, my God!
Are you a breacher? After all this?!
After we sat there and she said,
"He breached it with his eyes."
What have you done?
What have you done now?
That is technically a breach!
I'm disgusted!
Guys! Guys. If you've breached it,
I swear I'm gonna chair you!
Chill out! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
And if that chair breaks,
bad workmanship, right?
Guys. Papa don't breach.
APPLAUSE
Can we see another one?
Well, this is Tim and Roisin
together.
Can you breach the pastry for me?
If I asked you to, like,
punch that, would you do it?
Yes, I could punch the pie.
Just straight down?
Just like.
There's something in there.
There's a picture in there.
No!
What about if you taste it
and based on your reaction,
I decide what pie you're eating?
I haven't broken the rules.
Shall we give it a go? Yes.
That looks like it's way better
than you thought it was gonna be,
so I'm gonna go with steak.
Smells nice. I think
you'll enjoy that one. Do you?
Jesus!
Oh, it's got kidney in it,
doesn't it?
Through your face,
show me how you'd feel
if you had to eat the
whole lot of that pie.
Oh, Jesus, it's kidney pie.
That's a help. That feels
like it's beef pie.
I can try to unscrew it.
Yeah, unscrew it, yeah.
Well, that one's marbles.
Punch that one and then I'll
write something down. Ready? Yep.
Toothpaste.
You don't look like
you're having a nice time.
And that makes me think
that's not a nice-time pie.
Milk...milk pie?
I think... I'm gonna go with
a milk pie.
Did you enjoy the pies?
It wasn't a nice-time pie, no.
Which I think
is a possible new catchphrase
to replace "whole lot of pie" -
"nice-time pie".
I'm intrigued by you in this, Rois,
because you had a similar
idea to Tim,
in that you realised
you couldn't breach the pie,
but someone else could.
But then you sabotaged yourself
by moving away from Alex
and not looking
while he bit into the pies!
Why were you inventing
your own hurdles?
I thought if I could see his face
eating the pies,
then I'd be able to guess.
And then about ten minutes
after we'd finished it,
I thought I could have just got him
to smash the pies.
But I enjoyed watching him
eat the pies.
Well, it was a nice-time pie.
Tim, amazing. Straight in. Bam!
Read the small print.
What is even the point?
Oh, shut up, man.
What's the problem with this?
I didn't know I could've just said,
"Can you open the pies for me?"
It's up to Greg. How is that...?
It said, "You can't breach the pie."
It didn't say no-one else can.
You cannot breach the pie.
It doesn't say "you lot".
This is bullshit, man.
Utter bullshit.
I asked Alex if he could do it
for me and he said no,
because Tim is his better friend.
Did you say that? Well, it's true,
but I didn't say that.
It's true. Well, I tell you this,
Tim Key wins that task.
Simple as that. Bam! What?!
It's over. Tim Key - the winner,
ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Even after this whole
competition is over,
Frank still didn't know
what the toothpaste pie was.
Would you like to see it?
Oh, my God! Milk pie.
Is this a real pie
or something you've put together?
It's that yogurt pie?
Well, you're eating it.
Well, it tastes just exactly like
mint, like an Extra Strong Mint pie.
But it looks like Tippex.
Is it mint Tippex pie?
Even if you cut open each pie,
you still may not have known
what was in any of the pies.
It just never occurred to me
for a second, toothpaste.
Clearly.
Alex, how are the scores looking?
Right now, pleasingly,
they're all on odd numbers,
and the top two are Roisin Conaty
and Tim Key.
The next task is here.
"Do something that will look
impressive in reverse.
"The Taskmaster will see whatever act
you perform played backwards.
"You must therefore
do something backwards
"that will look impressive when
the footage is played in reverse."
If I jump off a cliff,
I'll jump onto the top of a cliff.
Is that what you're thinking? No.
So I'm gonna do something backwards?
I've got an idea
and it involves water.
I was just on my way to the toilet,
I think, there.
Off for a nice-time pie, were you?
I'm looking forward to seeing
these films. Who's first?
I think it would be nice
to see Josh Widdicombe.
Incredible.
You weren't playing it in reverse.
Wait till you see
that backwards, mate.
You said it was the most exciting
thing you'd ever done.
No, I didn't.
What a life you've lead.
Which, in reality, is being pulled
backwards on a skateboard.
Did I say that? Yeah, you did say
it, yeah. Yeah, I stand by it.
That's brilliant.
Let's have a look at another.
OK, I've got Tim Key next.
Ah, lovely.
Different approach - more cerebral.
Very nice.
There's an obvious question.
Why MILF?
It's film backwards.
It isn't.
It was a jaunty little piece.
No, I enjoyed it.
It was good. Who's next?
Frank. Frank next.
It's called Push-Up And Away.
CHEERING
Just a simple story
of one man's strength.
I thought, seeing it now,
it's quite poor.
When I'd only seen that...
When I'd only seen me doing it,
I thought,
well, there's no way
anyone will get anywhere near this.
And now I've watched it,
I'm just embarrassed.
It was sick.
Jesus, Frank! Come on, mate.
You're doing all right.
What with this and the toothpaste...
This is the worst night of my life.
He means minty Tippex, right?
Yeah, that minty Tippex pie.
Minty Tippex. Let's move on.
Do you want to see Roisin's?
Yes, I do. OK, here is Roisin.
I don't know where to start.
It was so genuinely beautiful.
That was the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.
Thanks, guys.
What's the significance of the wolf?
They're thirsty.
I thought it was a stand-alone
beautiful piece. Who's next?
The final one
is called Tree Wizard
and it's by Mr Romesh Ranganathan.
Sounds like we're in for
something else pretty moving.
Tree Wizard back from the dead
to create some balloons.
Tree Wizard. Hands together,
he creates a balloon.
Tree Wizard.
Has to make sure he
double-checks the balloon.
Tree Wizard. Oh, my God,
it's another balloon.
Tree Wizard. How many times
will he check the balloon?
Tree Wizard. Magical hands and
holy shit! It's another balloon.
Tree Wizard. Takes position.
What is he gonna do?
Tree Wizard.
Flies up to his tree
and waves goodbye to you.
Tree Wizard. Tree Wizard.
Tree Wizard.
CHEERING
Well, it wasn't profound, was it?
Are you all right, mate?
Do you know how long it took me
to find that song?
I thought it was brilliant, mate.
Thank you.
I thought it was absolutely
incredible.
There - straight compliment.
Thank you.
With each one you show,
mine gets worse.
It's become apparent
that this reverse film thing,
it's a young man's game.
Frank, I'm gonna put
in fourth place, even though I...
Fifth place. Oh, whoa!
Oh, I thought for a moment
someone had mentioned Comic Relief
in there.
Put above that Tim Key.
It was a jaunty little piece, but
it was just a guy making a jigsaw.
Above that, a powerful statement
about technology -
it's gonna be Josh Widdicombe.
And I cannot separate
the two masterpieces
that I'm putting in first place.
Roisin and Romesh -
our winners for this task.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We're through to the final part
of Taskmaster,
where all five comedians will be
participating in one final task,
here on the stage, fully naked.
Welcome back to the final section
of Taskmaster,
where all five our comedians
are desperate to take home Roisin's
massive bottle of champagne.
Who has the most hope at this stage?
Well, the top three,
Josh has 13 points,
Tim Key and Rosin Conaty
both have 16 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You will have noticed
that our comedians
are currently shackled to a bench.
I did that.
Frank Skinner, would you please
read out the final task?
"Crack the code, unshackle yourself
and sprint one metre. Fastest wins."
I like the fact that
I had to add "Fastest wins".
A lot of people would have
just guessed that. Are you ready?
Is there no clues?
How many possibilities are there?
It's 10,000, but in the Olympics,
you don't get a clue.
Like, you just have to...
This isn't in the Olympics.
Not yet. Not yet. Thank you, Frank.
There may be clues as we move on.
Let's see. This is a farce!
Your time starts... We're off.
He's got a plan, he's got a plan.
He's trying 0001.
It's gonna go up. All the way. Yeah.
Oh, fuck this, I'm just gambling.
Alex Horne, can I have a clue?
A clue. Oh, yeah.
The first two digits are my weight.
In what? In what? Exactly.
Numbers. In numbers.
Thank you, Tim.
In...stone. Stone.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Alex's weight in stone...
14?! I don't think so.
Can you give us the second clue?
The second one is a two-digit
number between 0 and 99.
Yes! What do you think the
second one will be?
Is it your weight, Greg?
It is my weight in stone.
So I was 13 stone.
They all got that.
Greg? Yeah.
What do you weigh?
Is it Greg's weight
or is that some sort of a...?
Aha!
CHEERING
Yes!
No!
It's now a race for last place
between Tim Key and Frank Skinner.
Yes!
Is this gonna be shown backwards?
He is more than 20 stone.
No! He's more than 20 stone?!
Yes, he is. Yeah.
CHEERING
Join me back on the floor.
Let's find out how those
have affected the final scores.
OK, Alex, can you just confirm
who won that task?
Roisin burst through the line first.
There was a bit of skulduggery.
Tim and Josh both looked at
her cracked code.
But there's nothing wrong
with that, necessarily. Classic Tim!
Josh did that one as well.
I know. I can't believe you've
enticed me to the dark side.
OK, here we go.
It's time for the final scores.
Alex? Yes, Greg?
Tell us the final scores.
OK, the final scores.
As you can see,
Roisin Conaty is this week's winner.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Congratulations, Roisin -
a powerful victory. How do you feel?
Like a hero.
Fine. Thank you to
all our wonderful contestants.
Thank you to Alex Horne,
half the man I am.
And congratulations, Roisin -
you may now go and collect
your wonderful prizes.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this week's winner - Roisin Conaty!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's it for this week.
And remember, if you try and lose,
then it isn't your fault.
But if you don't try and we lose,
then it's all your fault.
I don't know what that means.
Good night.
Subtitles by Ericsson