Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Melon Buffet - full transcript

Hello, I am Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.

In this show, I, Greg Davies,

make some accomplished but needy comedians do stupid things for me.

Why? Because I can.
I'm a powerful man.

Look at me. Thank you.

They have no idea how each other did, but they will soon find out.

I shall be judging both what
they did, and how they did it.

My word is final. The contestants
will definitely respect me.

Let's meet them now.

First: he's wearing a suit
because he's both professional

and from a different
generation to the others.



- It's Fr--
- [laughter]

It's the very smart Frank Skinner.

[applause]

Secondly, a man who's
chosen not to wear a suit

and who clearly needs a
haircut, Josh Widdicombe.

[applause]

Next up, a woman I once
genuinely witnessed

calling for her mum because she'd seen a mouse. Roisin Conaty.

[applause]

A man who has quickly gained
a reputation in comedy

for being livid all the time,
Romesh Ranganathan.

[applause]

Finally, a future poet laureate

if some massive poet
disaster happens.



Tim Key!

[applause]

And as always, I am both
aided and fluffed

by my personal assistant,
Alex Horne.

- Shall we have a little bit of banter?
- OK.

[he exhales] So, thanks for
giving me this opportunity.

You're welcome.

So, Alex, tell us about the first task.

OK. Well, I think you're tremendous,
and as always, the first task...

[laughter]

...is the prize task.
Each of the contestants

have brought in one of
their own possessions

for the prize haul, and they're
going to be awarded points

depending on how
impressed you are by them.

Yeah.

Yes. And tonight, you've asked them to bring in their most unusual item.

And that's what I'll be scoring
this first round on, then.

How unusual their unusual item is.

Frank Skinner, what was your unusual item that you decided to donate?

Um, I have brought in
a pair of grape scissors.

And yes, they have
grapes on their shaft.

When I first saw them,
I thought they were

haemorrhoid tweezers, but no.

Has anyone in this room ever
heard of grape cutters before?

Yeah? Huh, doesn't sound
that unusual, Frank.

Josh, what did you bring in?

I brought in a football signed by
the Plymouth Argyle squad

that lost in the Division 2
1994 playoff semi-finals.

Did they use invisible ink?

[laughter]

I don't know what's happened to the signatures. It's... it's unusual!

It's the most unusual "signed"
football I've ever seen.

Roisin, what did you bring in?

I found this old tramp poet and he carves on benches, and I found him sitting

next to the bench that he'd just
carved into, and I took a photo.

[Greg] That is from a trip that Roisin and I had to the seaside recently

where I paid for lunch and the petrol.

So, interesting that you would...

- You didn't pay for lunch.
- Eh?

- You didn't pay for lunch.
- Yeah, I did.

[Romesh] You let a tramp
pay for your lunch?

[laughter]

I was gonna put you in last place,

but Romesh has just
snatched that from you

before I even know
what he's brought in.

What have you brought in?

Uh, I've brought in a snow globe

that features my children
Photoshopped as little Santas.

It was given to me as a Christmas present from my sister-in-law.

I think we can all agree it's the shittest present in the history of mankind.

I get presented that
picture in a snow globe

which has very few of those little
granules. You know the granules?

The snow density is piss poor. Like you have to shake it for ages

and it's only floating for
about two seconds maximum.

It's awful.

[Tim] Is it signed?

- All three of them are signed.
- OK, yeah.

A snow globe isn't an
unusual item, but your fury is.

Yeah, but snow globes
featuring my three children,

there's only 250, 300.

[Greg] Tim Key, what
did you bring in?

Reindeer skull.

[laughter]

That, my friends, is how
to play this game.

[Greg] OK, let's not mess
around. A clear winner.

The winner of round one, ladies
and gentlemen: Mr Tim Key.

[applause]

And ladies and gentlemen,
there are all of the unusual prizes.

They're up there on the balcony,
and the winner of this competition

will have to take all
of that shit home.

So let's get these onto
the leaderboard.

OK, so who have you got
in second place, Greg?

I've got, well, the grape
scissors. They're insane.

OK, and third?

Ugh, you know. Snow globe.

Alright, and so you've got
a picture of yourself in fourth.

Yes, of course, and I would put that last if I could, but the football

- was so bad, I have to--
- [Josh] What?!

[Greg] It's an unsigned football, Josh.

I've brought in a signed football,

you've rubbed off the
signatures and put me last!

[laughter]

[Frank] That's harsh.

Which all means...

the scoreboard looks like this.

Josh Widdicombe in last place,
Tim Key in first place.

[applause]

[Greg] On with the next task,
the first task proper.

This took place in my lab
at my Taskmaster retreat

and for good reason.

[Romesh] I'll put this on, first of all.

I'll be honest, this feels a bit kinky.

Used to be a guy in my village
who used to wear one of these.

Is this my task? [she laughs]

I feel like I'm back at
school in science lessons.

[he sighs] I really need
my reading goggles.

"In the lab, there is a watermelon."

"Eat as much watermelon as possible."

"You have one minute. Your time starts when you open the door to the lab."

I'm allergic to watermelon.

What's frustrating is that I just
ate one in my dressing room.

Uh, I love watermelon,
I'm a big fan of it.

But, you know, I'm sure it's going to be ruined by this experience.

If you were in any doubt about the tone of this show, now you know.

There's five comedians being forced to eat as much watermelon as they can

whilst wearing a white boiler suit.

Josh, we're gonna see you first.
Are you a melon fan?

Um, yeah, you know.

Fine. Seven out of ten.

It's quite a strange question, isn't it?

Let's have a look at Josh's
attempt, bearing in mind

the task is to eat as much watermelon as you can in the time allowed.

[Josh] OK, so I'm worried
I'm going to get in there

and there's going to be a
watermelon sitting on a table.

So I need some kind of
carving knife or knife.

I mean, I don't know how
you do better than that.

I'll show you afterwards, if you like.

You know, I was impressed
that you used implements,

but I didn't think there was
much sense of urgency there.

I've seen my grandmother eating melon and it seemed a similar sort of pace.

I've seen your grandmother
eating melon.

[Greg] You've seen my grand-
mother eating melon, right?

She loves it, you know. You
were just nibbling away at it.

I said I quite liked melon.
There's the proof!

I thought I'd done well!

I'll be honest with you, I think
you've slowed down the footage.

I wouldn't put it past you.

No, you did alright.

In one minute, you ate
218 grams of watermelon.

That's the equivalent of ten mice,
if you can imagine that.

- That's pretty good!
- [Greg] It's good.

[applause]

Just to calm you down a
little bit, any antagonism

between you and I over
this issue is all scripted.

[laughter]

Let's see the master,
Frank Skinner.

[Alex] OK, here we go.

[laughter]

[applause]

Not so much scope for banter.

Before we get onto that amazing
technique, I mean, there's a lot of

ageist references to Frank being the oldest member of the panel.

I want you to have a look at
Frank in a white boiler suit

because we're of the opinion
that he looks 12 years of age.

[laughter]

"Can I clear any melon
up for you, sir?"

Frank, such an impressive start.

Yeah, well I'd forgotten my
watermelon scissors.

[laughter and applause]

And the truth is, it had not
occurred to me that it would

be a bright idea to get a
knife or anything like that.

I was just prepared to
tangle with it from the off.

My feeling is that Frank
probably gobbled

a lot more melon than
Josh Widdicombe.

[Alex] No, not at all,
he ate 179 grams.

That's the equivalent of nine
mice or ten smaller mice.

But less, just less.

- Who's next?
- Roisin Conaty.

Let's see how Conaty
handled the melon.

Oh!

Oh, I need a thing,
I need some sort of hammer.

Can I get a hammer?
A knife? Shall I go and get it?

[Alex] I would.

[laughter]

Well, is there any of this? No...

[Alex] You've got 36 seconds, Roisin.

[Roisin] Oh, God.

A bigger one, a bigger one.

This drawer, this drawer.

[rummaging, clanking]

[hurried footsteps]

[laughter]

I've always wanted to do this.
Such a shame...

[whistle blows]

That wasn't fair.

I mean, I just grazed it.
[she sighs]

I've got so many questions.

I guess my first question is, you knew before you went into that room

that the challenge was to eat
as much melon as possible,

and yet your reaction to seeing
a melon on the table was

"Oh!"

"Oh, clever twist!"

I thought it was gonna be
free prepared melon.

I didn't think I had to cut a watermelon.

I thought it was going to be a massive bowl of melon and just keep eating.

[Josh laughs]

Like a melon buffet,
I thought there was--

Like a melon buffet?
That's not a thing!

How many seconds had passed
before Roisin started to eat melon?

- 54 seconds.
- 54 seconds.

I don't want to be negative, but
I have eaten that much melon

by walking past a fruit stand.

How much melon did
Roisin Conaty eat?

I've put it in Rolos.
She ate one Rolo. Nine grams.

[Greg] Lovely.

I know we're all having fun,
but this thing is funded

by adverts, so we've got
to stop for a while.

See you soon.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

If you've just joined us, you've
missed some comedians

either eating or not
eating a watermelon.

[Greg] Who are we seeing next?

We're gonna see Romesh
and Tim together.

I've grouped them,
and you'll see why.

[laughter and applause]

[he clears throat]

[he coughs]

[frustrated noise]
I'm gonna throw up!

If I throw up, would you weigh it?

OK.

[whistle blows]

[he coughs]

[audience gasps]

[muffled] Yeah, I'm fine.

[Alex] It's alright.

[he coughs]

[whistle blows]

[laughter and applause]

Amazing how far we've come from...

Josh Widdicombe gently
spooning melon into his mouth,

to two psychopaths.

You threw it on the floor!
You had to eat off the floor.

That's my first question to you. There was clearly a table in front of you.

Why did you throw it on the floor?

Well, I knew it wasn't gonna
be like a melon buffet.

I knew it was gonna be
a whole watermelon,

but I just didn't realise that
a watermelon was that soft.

I thought in my head
that it was rock hard.

When I threw it I was like,
"Holy shit, that has..."

[laughter]

"That has gone everywhere!"

It was a genuine surprise to me.

I just didn't-- I just hadn't anticipated that watermelon was like that.

I just built it up in my head, like,

"I'm gonna have to really
smash into this!"

And then I was like,
"Oh God, that's gone so badly."

I've got the image of you
at an all-you-can-eat buffet

just kicking the shit
out of everything.

Tim, how'd you-- I mean,
really powerful start.

You'll have recognised the technique.

[Greg] Oh, I loved the technique.

It's your grandmother's technique.

Oh God, it's what she's evolved.

- She wrote the book on it.
- [Greg] Yeah!

I thought, you know, it's a
minute, it's a watermelon.

It has got to be
grandmother technique.

Smash it and eat it.

Can I just say I genuinely
thought I was gonna die.

Basically, when the whistle went,

my throat was full of watermelon.

My body just went, "Let's try
and get that down, shall we?"

Then I started like...
It was a weird situation,

because I had this bit of
watermelon in my throat.

It was quite a weird situation,
wasn't it? Slightly surreal.

It was really big and I kept
trying to swallow,

and my body made-- I just went
[high-pitched squawk]

It was horrendous.

My instinct is that Tim Key
probably gobbled

the most melon there,
because of the vomiting.

I asked whether it counts if you
vomit, do you weigh the vomit.

And you said no.
That's why I didn't vomit.

I think when the whistle goes, if the melon's still inside you, it counts.

Oh, thank God for that.

Because I think I produced
more melon than I ate.

[laughter]

My instinct is that Key's won this.
Tell me otherwise.

Well, Tim ate 302 grams of
watermelon in one minute

and Romesh ate 301 grams.

[all] Whoa!

The way I measured it was
scooping up and weighing

what was left in the room compared to what was in the watermelon,

so some of that had been
in Romesh at one point.

Fine, so you scooped up
Romesh's vomit.

So, it's up to you.
There's one gram difference,

but also there was a bit of
dodgy business with Tim.

If you just want to have
a look at this...

[Greg] Ah.

[audience gasps]

Oh dear, oh dear.

Son of a bitch!

I love melon.

[laughter]

How can you possibly,
at the end of that task, go

"Do you know what I fancy?"

He gobbled an extra bit of
melon, which would mean

he was the winner if we
count that bit of melon.

Yeah, so I didn't weigh
that bit 'cause it was in Tim.

[Alex] If you want to subtract
nine from Tim's,

it would put Romesh in the lead.
That's up to you, though.

What I find very difficult about it is,

I'm pretty sure that Tim
winked at us as he left.

- [Greg] Did he wink at us?
- [Alex] It's very hard to tell.

If it was a wink, it was a bad wink,
but we can have a look.

[laughter]

If that's a wink, that's such
breathtaking arrogance from Key.

I'm gonna ask to let
the audience decide.

Give me a cheer if you
think that was a wink?

[audience cheers]

I'm taking nine grams off you.

[Greg] The winner is Romesh
Ranganathan, ladies and gentlemen!

[applause]

Good work, Romesh. One step
closer to the reindeer skull.

Alex, how are the scores looking?

Very, very neat. I've put them with frames. We can see them there.

The leader is Tim Key
followed by Romesh,

and Roisin and Josh are in
last and second-last place.

[applause]

[Greg] Really good fun.

So, there are three tasks
to go, including

a live task on the stage
behind me at the end.

And with ornate grape-cutting
scissors to play for,

emotions must be running pretty high.

What's next, Alex?

We have some extreme art.

[he whistles]

[horse whinnies]

This necessary, is it?

Wow. Ugh.

Horse shit.

What a pile of horse shit.

What a pile of...
[he clears throat]

"Paint the best picture of a horse..."

"...whilst riding a horse."

I've never ridden a horse before.

And I am absolutely
dogshit at painting.

I feel more comfortable about painting a horse, probably, than riding one.

Can't paint, can't ride horses.

I can draw a horse, sat on a chair.

And I can ride a horse, in my mind.

Do I get points for that?

What I was hoping for here
when we set this challenge

was for you to capture
the essence of horse.

Alex, before we carry on,
can you show us

which horse everyone was painting?

[Alex] The horse they were
attempting to draw is called Baz.

Baz is there. Not a bad horse,
not a bad horse.

Now I'm gonna ask you, Greg,
to judge the paintings

just on gut reaction before you know who's painted which painting.

So here are the five paintings of horses, painted whilst riding horses.

[laughter]

[Greg] I know that a lot of judges

in art competitions
would find it difficult.

I'll tell you now, at one glance,

I'm gonna find this pretty straightforward.

This is the way I see it.

Bottom right is clearly the
best picture of the horse,

would you all agree with me?

No!

Secondly the horse next to it is, um,

sort of an Impressionist version of a horse

but there is some degree of artistic flair.

Happy with that? Yeah.

- So that's second.
- [Josh] No.

The top three are absolutely shit.

The one on the right has got a bridle,

there's been some attention to detail,

that that person probably
can dress themselves.

The next one, incredibly bad,

but so dramatically overshadowed

by a picture of a giant mouse.

Genuinely don't know
who painted these,

but that is one of the worst
paintings I've ever seen in my life.

- In fact, it's genuinely infuriated me.
- It's OK, it's OK.

As if things couldn't get
any more exciting,

we're gonna pause for a break.
See you in a minute.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Now, where were we?

Would you now like to find out
who painted the paintings?

[Greg] I genuinely don't know
who did that mouse.

It's a horse, mate.

Oh, now I think I have a better idea.

OK, so here are the
names of the artists.

[Alex] So yeah, Tim Key painted the worst one.

Frank Skinner painted the best one.

But I think it's probably worth you watching how they painted it.

You may want to change your mind, Greg.

I mean, I won't change my mind
on Tim's, but let's see.

I would say that Tim did
spend the longest time

on the horse by quite some distance.

[laughter]

[Romesh] Sort of want to
capture Baz's spirit.

[Josh] I've got off to a
really good start, guys.

I'm really pleased with
how it's looking.

Oh, my word.

Oh, blimey. Oh, God.

Ow, Jesus Christ!

- [horse snorts]
- Shut up.

[he cackles]

Oof. Slow down. Slooow down.

- [horse snorts]
- Shut up!

[laughter]

[Romesh] Oh, God. Oh, God.

[giggling] I couldn't get anything.

Just difficult to express myself
artistically in these conditions.

- How do you make brown?
- [Alex] How do you think?

Blue?

[Josh laughs]
Quite pleased with this.

[Frank] Who says men can't multitask?

OK, I'm done. [he laughs]

I'm definitely done.
Not gonna get better than that.

I'm quite pleased with that.

[applause]

Roisin, conspicuous by
her absence so far.

That obviously means she's either done

incredibly well or incredibly badly.

We'll come onto that. Frank, do you paint? Your painting's lovely.

[Frank] You know what, a weird
thing has happened.

I'd never painted before, since school.

And the end of that, I thought,

you know what, I might start painting.

I went out and actually bought
some watercolours and stuff.

And I'm less good not on a horse.

Josh, my understanding is
your parents have 15 horses.

- I hate horses.
- You hate horses?

Yeah, 'cause you're not into
what your parents are into.

- Have they got a horse farm?
- Well, I'm from Devon, yeah--

No, they live in a council flat in Ealing.

[laughter]

Romesh, we haven't known
each other long,

but I've never seen you
that happy before.

I just sort of, really, I just
lost myself in the joy of it.

Have you seen the film The Matrix?

You know when Neo suddenly
sees everything in code?

I suddenly saw everything in, like, auras.

I saw Baz's spirit and basically tried to capture that on the canvas.

Stop being such a wanker.

[laughter]

Do you know how to make brown?

- You don't, do you Tim?
- No.

[Greg] No. I quote, "How do you make brown?"

Alex said, "How do you think?"

And you said, "Blue?"

[laughter]

I had bigger problems than that.

Yeah, you did have bigger
problems than that.

I mean, what happened?

Not very good at painting.
Never ridden a horse.

And I guess I was sort of, somewhere,

thinking "anteaters."

I wanna slam you into last place,
but there's a reason,

I don't know what it is yet,
but there's a reason why

Roisin's been separated
from the group, so...

Did she kill the horse?

Let's see if she did kill the horse.

I 100% cannot paint a horse
whilst on a horse.

I won't even get on it.

I'll meet him, but I've met
loads of horses.

That's what I do, I meet the horse, then decide not to get on them.

It's my history with horses.

[Alex] Would you trust us if
we came up with plan B?

What's plan B?

[Alex] This is plan B. This is Merlin,
the mechanical horse.

This is Baz, the actual horse that
you're gonna be painting.

I don't like plan B.

[Rawhide theme plays]
♪ Rollin', rollin', rollin' ♪

There's no brown.
Must be red and blue.

[Alex] Have you started painting yet?

Yeah. It's Impressionist.
It's quite Cézanne.

- [Alex] Finished?
- I'm finished.

- Have you signed it?
- I have.

Oh, my God.

I think that came out way
better than I thought.

It's a bit like My Little Pony.

[applause]

[Greg] Mechanical horse,
a steady rhythm.

I've never been on a horse.

Met hundreds of horses
around the world...

Alright, big shot!

It's what I do, Josh!

So, what do you wanna do, Greg?

You've put her in third
place at the moment.

I can't possibly put anyone--

Can I just say one thing?
Based on where my horse was,

at that window, my painting's
actually quite good.

All I had was his head.

It was easier.
He was already framed.

[applause]

This is what I think's fair.

I mean, you did do a
painting of a horse,

but for the challenge you
were supposed to be

riding a horse while
you were painting.

Therefore, I'm afraid you
have to be disqualified

from this round. Take last place.

- [audience groans]
- Really?

You don't think that's fair?

I'll go last place but not disqualified.
That's fair, right?

OK, I'll go third.

[laughter]

As we're reasonable, let's
stick Roisin in last place

for not actually painting
a horse whilst on a horse.

And the winner of that task was

Mr Frank Skinner,
ladies and gentlemen.

[applause]

[Greg] Fair, right?

Alex, what are the scores so far?

OK, so it's tight. We have
a leader, as you can see,

but there are two people
in second place.

Romesh in the lead,
Tim and Frank in second.

[applause]

Let's crack on with the next task.

[he chuckles]

Oh, God. Oh, God!

Duck's gonna be a lot of fun.

"Completely empty this bathtub."

"Fastest wins."

"You must not remove the plug,
tip or damage the bath."

"Your time starts now." What?

What didn't you understand
about that task?

I did understand the task.

It was an easy task, it was just empty the bath without removing the plug.

But there are lots of different varieties of methods, as we can see.

Again, I've grouped. I've put Frank and Josh together to display some methods.

[Greg] Are we seeing them first?

- [Alex] If you want to.
- [Greg] I really do want to, yep.

I can do that. Yeah, that's fine.

I'm gonna do this while I think.

This can't be the way to do it.

Can't tip it, can't bring out the plug.

Have you got a hoover?

Can you do that?

I mean, that's got "death"
written all over it, hasn't it?

I know there's that thing
you can do with petrol...

where you get the thing and you suck and then it keeps it going.

There used to be a thing
that ruffians used to do

with petrol tanks when they siphoned it.

You have to drink a certain
amount of petrol to do it.

Or soapy water.

[laughter]

It's not how I remember it.

That's absolute bullshit.

I'm tempted to just
go for it with a bucket.

No, I'm gonna go for it with a bucket.

[nervous laugh]

[Frank] This, you think, would
be quite a quick method.

[he laughs]

This is so tough!

Does it need to be
completely dry in there?

It's hard to get the last...
the last dregs.

I mean, I think you've
gotta say that's empty.

[Alex] Stop the clock.

[he exhales]

There's some bits,
but I think that's my best job.

[applause]

Interesting that you both
used the same method

and you both made it
look incredibly

difficult to empty a bathtub.

I can't tell you how heavy
those bins of bath water are.

Maybe put less water in.

Well, yeah.

I'm starting to think those ruffians used to turn the cars upside down.

[Josh laughs]

The siphoning, I was so
confident in the siphoning.

[Alex] Yeah, to successfully siphon,

you have to do it a lot better than that.

Is that some research
you've done online?

Yeah, they both did it very badly.

When you siphon, you've got
to have the exit below the...

Yeah, I realised that days later.

My instinct is probably--
I don't know, you'd be able to tell us,

but my instinct is that probably Frank did it quicker because Josh...

There's a constant running
commentary on how well he's doing.

[Alex] Yeah, I love your
instinct. You're right.

Frank did it in seven minutes
and 42 seconds.

Josh one minute longer,
eight minutes and 52 seconds.

[Greg] So, Roisin, you're scared of lots of stuff. Are you scared of water?

- No?
- [Greg] Let's have a look.

I walked over here with such conviction.

Thanks, Alex.

No.

What else can I use?
I'll get some more things.

There's a hole in that.

- Kitchen?
- [Alex] One minute.

- I've got one minute?
- No, one minute's gone.

[melancholy music plays]

Might wanna move back, guys.

I've got a system, I'm sticking with it.

I've done about half.

[she exhales] Had a big lunch, didn't I?

Oh, my God. That has really hurt my back.

It's very deep.

I think that's it.

There's a bit left but I don't
think I'm gonna get it out.

How would you get that end bit out?

[applause]

It was less than a minute
slower than Josh,

but you didn't empty
the bath in the end.

Didn't...? What?

There was some water at the bottom.

There was a healthy meniscus.

I can only imagine how these two animals approached this task.

"Completely empty this bathtub.
Fastest wins."

"You must not remove the plug,
tip or damage the bath."

"Your time starts now."

"Tip or damage?" Sure.

[laughter]

[circus music plays]

[cloth squeaking]

- Can I make a request?
- [Alex] Yeah.

- Can I get a towel?
- Yep.

- Now?
- Yep.

- Just put it there.
- Where?

- Where do you want it?
- Just on the floor.

OK, can I just get a towel?
I'm gonna get a towel.

Towel!

I'm good.

I'm done.

Ladies and gentlemen,
without question,

a special round of applause
for who I presume is

the inevitable winner,
Mr Tim Key. Incredible.

[applause]

Incredible passion from both men.
Enjoy yourselves?

Yes. Good time.

Romesh, you emptied the bathtub in
two minutes and 50 seconds.

- [Alex] Pretty quick.
- [Greg] Incredible.

- Tim Key smashed that, surely.
- He did smash it. Yes, he did.

He emptied the bathtub in
two minutes and 20 seconds.

[Alex] So, very good.

So nice to have a decisive
winner in a round.

I loved it. Really enjoyed it.

There's one slight issue,
in that there was a rule

saying you're not allowed
to remove the plug.

And during the passion of Tim,

we did spot, if you
just have a look again,

you can just see the plug.
It wasn't in all the time.

[audience groans]

[Alex] The plug was dislodged.

I mean, that knocks him
down into second.

It's unfortunate.
The thing is, if he'd--

I didn't know that.

Well, you say that. We have got
footage of you after the, um...

[laughter]

After the event. What were
you doing here, Tim?

What's this?

[panting]

[laughter]

Put some thoughts to that face.
What's that face saying?

That's me, having completed the task, just having a little walk around.

What had you picked up there, Tim?

Picked up? Sorry?

I was just wondering what you'd--

You've picked something up there, right?

[Tim] Picked the plug up, mate.

And then put it back in the bath.

You did do that. You picked up the plug and put it back in the bath,

but you disguised your actions.

- What?!
- Of course, 'cause it's cheating!

What did you want me to--

Can we see how effectively
he disguised

- putting the plug back in?
- Yes, we can.

[panting]

[laughter and applause]

Any doubt at all
I had about whether

that was a wink in
the previous round...

Oh, that was a wink alright.

What's the fair thing to do?

I take him down two places, right?

It's up to you.

- He took the plug out.
- Shut up, Rois.

He took the plug out!

Why don't you just drop
me down by a place?

No way, you've got to go.

[Greg] Roisin, what do you think?

He took the plug out the bath.

He took the plug out the bath
and that's enough for you,

he should go into last place?

You can't get all judgmental,
getting on your high horse.

[applause]

I went last place!

- I went last place with the last...
- [Frank] Yeah, you did.

[Josh] She did go last place.

So he should be honourable and
go last place. You cheated.

[Greg] Well, do you know
what I'm gonna do?

Tell you what, I'll do it for you.

I'm gonna put him in last place.
Judgment done.

So the winner of that task is
Romesh, ladies and gentlemen!

[applause]

We're learning a lot about
you today, Tim Key.

After the break, we have
one more task

which will be done right
here on the stage.

Tim, will you cheat again?

Yep.

It's exciting, isn't it?
See you after the break.

Welcome back to Taskmaster, where
a reindeer skull's still up for grabs.

Alex, what are the scores so far?

OK, so Romesh is on 17 points.

Frank Skinner is on 15 points.

[applause]

Get Tim to read out the
task, would you?

OK. So, Tim, here is
the live task.

If you could read it clearly
and slowly, please, Tim.

"Pop up a tent. Get in the tent.
Zip up the tent."

"Pop on a onesie in the tent,
and emerge from

the tent wearing the onesie.
Fastest wins."

Shall we just explain it again?
So you're gonna pop up your tent.

- You're going to get into the tent.
- Get into the tent.

- Zip it up.
- Zip the tent.

[Alex] Put on the onesie that is
currently in your rucksack.

Come out of the tent.
First out of the tent wins.

[Josh] Where do we put our tent?

Aren't we all gonna get
in each other's way?

Hey, hey, hey. All that,
you can do internally.

[laughter]

Can I say, I'm 58. I might never
come out of the tent.

Alex, get ready to blow your whistle.
Let's get on with this.

Good luck, everyone.
Your time starts...

[blows whistle]

Let's hear some names. They need
encouragement, these people!

[audience shouting]

Frank's in his one. He's in!

[Alex] Frank is in. This way,
Josh, this way.

That's lovely.
Zip at the front, please.

Back a bit, back a bit.
Zip at the front, please.

You're not in it. You're not in it.
He's not in it!

Get in it. Get in it!
You have to get in it!

Are you in it, Roisin?
Are you in your tent?

Yeah...

You're not in it!
You're not in it!

Gotta get in the tent.
Get in it, you have to get in it!

- I'm in it.
- You're not in it!

- Put it that way.
- She's not in the tent.

Do we need to send someone
in for Frank yet?

- He's been in there for hours!
- He's been very still for a very...

[audience cheers]

[Alex] Stand there.

- [audience cheers]
- [Greg] Yes!

[audience cheers]

Looks a little bit like election night.

This is as good as it's gonna get.

- [Alex] Go on, Romesh!
- That's it, patronise him!

[applause]

You almost made me forgive the
crimes of earlier in the episode.

What an incredible victory
for Mr Tim Key.

[applause]

Come down and join us.

Alex, you work out how that's
affected the final scores, please.

Magnificent performance from
the obvious winner of that task,

Mr Tim Key, ladies and gentlemen.

[applause]

OK, so let's find out, has Romesh
lost a snow globe of his children?

Who's going to win a reindeer
skull with a hole in it?

Let's have a look at the
final scores, Alex.

Here they are.

Ooh, tie break.

I genuinely don't know
what happens here.

Alex, what the hell are we
gonna do about this?

There must be a winner.

We did a tie-break task, when I hid in an area of the task cottage

and they opened the task
saying, "Find Alex."

So if we see whether
Frank or Romesh

found me first, they will
be the overall winner.

So this whole thing is gonna be decided on a game of hide-and-seek.

- I think so.
- Yep, that's about right.

[both] "Find Alex. Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."

He's not in here.

[tense music begins]

I've found Alex!

One minute 50.
Have a seat, Frank.

Alex! [panting]

Hello, mate.

- Hello.
- Hello there.

Two minutes 27.

Romesh, I imagine you
wish you'd honed your

hide-and-seek skills more
when you were a child.

My parents did lock me
away and stuff.

In that video clip, I looked like I was
moving more frantically than Frank,

and he had sort of
a chilled-out vibe,

yet still destroyed me
in terms of the time.

- It's the tortoise and the hare.
- Yeah, exactly.

Lovely. Less movement,
more finding.

On the plus side, I don't have that dogshit snow globe any more.

So the winner of today's show,
ladies and gentlemen,

is Mr Frank Skinner! Well done.

[applause]

That's all for this week.

I have been the Taskmaster and
this has been Taskmaster.

Thank you, Alex.

You, Mr Skinner, may go and
collect your prize haul.

Mr Frank Skinner, your winner,
ladies and gentlemen.

[applause]

Thank you for watching,
and remember,

learning to trust is one of
life's most difficult tasks.

Isn't that right, Tim?

Good night.

[subtitles by tribbletown]