Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Last Supper - full transcript
TASKMASTER 06, THE LAST SUPPER
CTO M852N/82
BF000000
Argh!
Hello. I'm Greg Davies and this is
Taskmaster. But what is Taskmaster?
Well, it's a chance for me to flex
my massive comedic muscles.
And for some other smaller comedians
to undertake
some fatuous
yet fantastical tasks for me.
It's basically a comedy food chain.
Let's meet them now.
He's looked exactly the same
for nearly 60 years.
LAUGHTER
I've seen baby pictures. It's weird.
It's the legend
that is Mr Frank Skinner!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
When he reached the age of 12,
he thought,
"Yeah, I'm sticking with this."
It's Josh Widdicombe!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
After a party at my house, I found
this comedian asleep on my sofa,
with 14 penises drawn on her face.
Roisin Conaty!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Quite simply, a lovely, kind man.
Probably my favourite.
Really the loveliest of all the
contestants. Mr Romesh Ranganathan!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Finally, a man who's earned
a great deal of respect
in the comedy industry,
but often lets himself down in
social situations. Mr Tim Key!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And as ever,
to my left and to your right
is my very personal assistant
Alex Horne. Hello.
Alex, let's start the show
with some traditional
high-level banter between us.
OK, I've been practising. OK.
Ready? Yeah.
Phwoar. Phwoar. Is that banter?
What's banter?
What, saying "Phwoar" to me?
I don't know, I don't know,
I don't know. I don't know.
I literally don't know.
It gets much better than this, guys.
It doesn't always.
Alex, what's the first task?
The first task, Greg,
is the prize task.
As ever, the comedians
have been asked to bring in
some of their own possessions
for the prize haul.
You'll be judging
which of their possessions
is the best, and they'll get
points for that.
You've asked them to bring in
their most satisfying item.
Let's get some points going.
Tim, what did you bring in
that's satisfying?
I've made a fish chowder.
There is nothing
more comforting to me
than the awful retching
that's brought on by fish poisoning.
Tim, when did you make it?
I made it on Sunday. Oh, gosh!
Oh, man. This was made on Sunday.
It's now Wednesday.
You're not wanting me to...eat this,
right? No, no, no.
Oh, yes.
Yes, please, Greg. That's why we
came - to see you shit yourself.
It smells nice.
Yeah, I mean, not exactly
the reaction I was after.
The only way to judge
how comforting this is
is to eat it and
to see if I feel comforted.
I'm not prepared to that...
but my assistant is.
Thank you, Greg.
But I don't understand.
That's my cooking!
It's really nice. It's really...
It's very satisfying. Yeah?
Yeah, really satisfying. I would say
that's a satisfying chowder.
OK, great. Will he puke?
Won't he puke? Will he puke?
Yeah, well, I'm allergic
to fish, so...
If he is ill, don't worry.
I'll tell everyone Romesh made it.
So...Romesh...
what have you brought in
that's comforting?
I have brought in...my vape mod.
That is the top-of-the-range tank
you can see there.
It counts how many puffs
you've taken.
You can change the wattage
and ampage of the puffs.
And you can also charge your
mobile phone from it. Wow, yeah.
It's pretty satisfying.
Can you really charge
your mobile phone from it?
Yes. It's got a USB connection.
So easily pleased. "Can you really
charge a mobile phone from it?"
The only way that that's going to be
a satisfying thing to bring in
is if I'm addicted to nicotine.
Lucky for you, I am.
What's so great about it
is it stops you smoking
and you feel like you're
giving RoboCop a blowy.
It's great.
Roisin, what have you brought in
that is satisfying?
Well, what I find really satisfying
and comforting is a head massage.
There's a tool you can get,
it's called the Orgasmatron.
Oh, my God, that's amazing!
And you do that to yourself.
And it is the nicest feeling
in the world.
It's so good. It's sort of
a robot massager, isn't it?
I imagine you can't wait to get
stuck into that, Romesh.
I tell you what...I get the vape
thing, get that, I've got a weekend.
What have you brought in, Josh?
I spent three months of my life
completing the 2014 World Cup
Sticker Album.
Oh, my God!
CHEERING
They're all there, they're all in
order, they're all in place,
they're all aligned.
Not the best photo
to show it off, really.
Frank, what did you bring us
that's satisfying?
This is a stressful age we live in,
so I brought in an anti-stress ball.
LAUGHTER
Shut up. I'm getting four grand
for this.
When you squeeze it,
as one does the stress ball,
it has a noise.
Would you like to hear the noise?
Oh, more than anything.
METALLIC VOICE: Calm down, dude.
Calm down, dude.
So in other words...
..it's a dead man's voice
in a sphere.
I'm gonna make a quick decision
on this,
so that we can crack on
with the show.
Roisin, I don't want to
massage myself.
Then Frank Skinner will be there,
because I don't want to hear
a voice of a dead man.
Then I'm going to put Romesh in,
because it was supposed to be
generally satisfying,
and there's only a few losers here
who are addicted to nicotine.
You're one of 'em, mate.
That didn't go as well as I hoped.
I thought, go aggressive.
You didn't go with me, you know.
It's backfired.
I look like a prick now.
It's difficult, isn't it?
It's difficult.
He spent eight hours on his chowder.
I spent three months,
swapping with other grown adults.
To be fair, mine said halibut
and I used salmon.
The trouble is, Josh, it's
really impressive what you did.
But the last time I was interested
in a football album was in 1982,
and that's not cos
I like football -
it was to impress a boy
called Philip.
Anyone who makes me
a lovingly prepared fish dish
is gonna win this task.
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of
the first task is Mr Tim Key.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This is the sixth show
of the series.
I've got the total of points so far.
Roisin's on 60, Tim's on 70,
Frank, 77, Romesh on 81,
despite not winning a show.
Josh is the leader so far on 85.
Remarkable.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And there, ladies and gentlemen,
just so you can witness them,
are all the satisfying prizes
up there in that box.
Whoever wins at the end of this show
will head up there
and celebrate wildly
and take them all home.
Let's get on with the first proper
task of the night. Here we go.
FRANK CHUCKLES
Well, that's a T and an M.
"Get the lowest golf score
using eggs."
"You must complete the five holes
using chicken's eggs."
"Your score will be calculated
as follows -
"shots times eggs times minutes."
"Your time starts...now."
Do I need to use this...?
A club, oh, yeah.
And if you're wondering who knows
least about the game of golf...
that question is answered
by another question -
the question,
"Do I have to use a club?"
I imagine Mr Skinner
knows a bit about golf.
I have played golf in the past.
I've played with
Bing Crosby back in '34.
And I'm morally opposed
to the whole game as a vegan.
Yeah?
You weren't that morally opposed -
you did it immediately.
I hoped that I could go around
without damaging any eggs.
And I thought that would sort
of sidestep the issue.
Do you wanna have a look?
I seem to remember that if you hit
on the point of the egg,
they don't break.
That was incorrect.
Shit. Shit!
You have to hit them a bit harder
as they bleed.
Oh, come on!
Are you allowed to sort of sweep
your way through it in golf?
Ooh!
That club's a bit eggy.
Oof!
I don't even know if morally
I'm allowed to do this.
It's impossible, this one.
What's a windmill got to do with it?
You're in my way, windmill!
I wonder if that'll go over.
I'm done.
Any more eggs? I've got three
eggs left to this and that?
Otherwise there might
not be any eggs left in the world.
Which was the problem hole for you?
I think it might be the one that I
used over two dozen eggs on, maybe.
Just off the top of my head,
that probably is.
You would have noticed it,
but one genuinely amazing
chip shot there.
Roisin continued to beautifully
caress the egg around the course.
And then the vegan
lost his mind, didn't he?
Why do you hate chickens so much?
I don't hate chickens.
Explain that to your community.
The vegan community.
Listen, it was a really upsetting
day for me.
I don't know how many eggs I lost.
Well, you took 68 shots,
14 minutes 20 and 36 eggs.
Which adds up to 35,088 points,
but we ran out of eggs.
I asked for more eggs,
but I was denied more eggs.
Yeah, because we were worried about
the chicken community dying out.
A lot of people like chicken.
How do we score this?
Do we think if most of the egg
gets in the hole, that's counted?
That's exactly
what you should ask yourself.
I'll do that now.
Greg...
Yes?
Yeah, OK, if most of the egg gets
in, I think it's counted.
The par is three.
If you can get it round
with one egg, one minute per hole,
three shots per hole,
you get a score of about 15.
Eggs times minutes times shots.
So, Frank you took 32 shots,
seven minutes and five eggs.
You got a score of 1,096.
Have you played golf before, Rois?
No. She did pretty well.
Roisin took 40 shots in just
four minutes, using six eggs.
She got 1,000 points.
Some of those shots
did last for 35 seconds.
They were very...very long.
Very long shots.
It's break time now.
So do what you gotta do.
We'll see you when you're finished.
Hello and welcome back
to Taskmaster,
the place where comedians
are playing for an Orgasmatron,
a slow-cooked meal
or a stress reliever.
Shall we see some more?
Yeah, so Tim and Josh did it
in a slightly different way.
Can I go in and boil an egg?
I've used two eggs.
I've gotta boil the eggs, haven't I?
I'm boiling the eggs.
From what I remember,
it's three minutes. Come on!
Hang on.
I don't know what you're doing.
I know what I'm doing.
Oh!
This one's got a slight leak.
Just play the game.
I wonder whether I could have
boiled them for longer.
Slight egg issues. But it's in.
Oh, this is the big one.
More confidence needed.
I'm done.
Boiling the eggs.
Sportsman-like, do you think?
I don't think there's any rules
against it in golf.
I guess you can boil
your balls, right?
In certain climates, yeah.
Yeah, also, you only boiled them for
two and a half minutes. So they...
Should you be penalised
for bad boiling?
You can't have it both ways!
And were you expecting some points
for that tiny bit of shell
you got into one of the holes?
Earlier on you said,
"Any egg that gets in the hole
"counts as in the hole." All right.
If we're happy, then Josh
took 42 shots in 21 minutes
cos of the boiling problems.
And he used seven eggs, so you scored
about 6,000 points, just over.
Tim, 39 shots, ten minutes,
three eggs, 1,200 points.
So if we're all happy with
the rules, which we're not...
..then it would go Roisin,
Frank, Tim... Are you serious?
I'm just looking at this face -
he's so cross.
Well, I didn't sort of say it
at the time,
because I thought I was
gonna run away with this one.
But looking at it again,
Roisin just swept them.
Sweeping's not what...
I didn't sweep the whole time.
You swept most of the time!
No, I didn't! I didn't crack an egg.
And the big ones
I got over quite easily.
I think you're all shit at golf.
It was my first go.
How are you smashing eggs like that?
It sounds like even
professional golf players
are shit at golf.
OK, I'm the only one who didn't
break the egg on the ramp.
So if you're looking for
golf skills...
She always pings her bra when
she's pleased with herself.
It's one of her things.
No, I'm happy with you winning.
How come I've got the lowest points?
You didn't break any eggs.
But surely I should have
6,000 points, then?
No, no, no. The lowest is better.
No, let's listen to Roisin.
Give her the...
She's absolutely right.
I wanna see her ping her bra again.
Let's give her the highest amount.
Basically what we're saying
in this game
is that there are no rules
in our version of golf.
It just feels really weird
that I haven't won that.
Tim, you put it in the tennis ball,
but you were very bad at getting
the tennis ball into the hole,
cos the tennis ball
was bigger than the hole.
So quite often
it went over the hole.
You took almost the most shots,
just behind Romesh.
I think we should score this
according to... Who's won.
Who's won.
Good idea, yeah. OK, let's do it.
In that case, Roisin Conaty's
the winner.
Roisin Conaty wins!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How the scores looking, Alex?
So Frank, Roisin and Josh
are all on six points.
Tim Key's on eight points,
in the lead.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What's next, Alex?
There is a team task now.
So in the team task, we've actually
put the contestants into two teams.
We've put the three in the middle,
Josh, Roisin and Romesh,
as one team
because their age adds up to 100,
as does the other two.
Let's see how they get on.
Thank you. Hello, Alex.
"Stage a realistic blooper
from a home movie."
"The Taskmaster will give points
to the best film-makers.
"You have one hour.
The time starts now."
Got it.
Why you sitting on the sofa?
What are you doing? Just thinking.
How are you on a unicycle?
OK, so this is what
I wanted them to do.
I wanted them to do a blooper film,
because those are the things
that I find funniest in life.
The film that I think
is the funniest,
I'll give two points
to each person in the team.
And the other people get nothing.
Simple. What about effort?
Absolutely not taken
into consideration whatsoever.
OK. Just to be clear.
Who are we gonna see first, Alex?
Do you want to start with
the children? Yes, please.
OK. Do one of you want to introduce
the film? Yeah. Go on, then, Josh.
This film is like a look backstage
in what it was like
to make Taskmaster.
What could possibly go wrong?
Behind the scenes of Taskmaster.
Just before we roll, just let Romesh
do his jazz hands one more time.
Behind the scenes of Taskmaster.
Can we have a look at it?
OK, here it is.
This is just behind the scenes of...
Romesh will do a task
where he's about to start.
Have you done this one?
Hundreds and thousands, yeah.
Count the hundreds and thousands.
It's really fun.
It's a great task.
They're already having a debate
that we had the other day about
whether it's hundreds or thousands.
Oh. Shall we go and...?
Let's go and see
how they're getting on.
Yeah, but is this a hundred
or is it a thousand?
Are you serious?
A lot of banter. This is
the kind of banter we have.
DEBATE CONTINUES
Hit his arse!
Hit his arse!
This here - is it a hundred
or a thousand?
Hit his arse!
I was joking!
I've got cake on my face.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Alex. It's me. I told him.
I'm so sorry. I...
Ooh!
I'm so sorry. I told him to...
I think that was good.
That is without question
the worst acting
I've seen committed to
a film...ever.
What? Alex's fall?
No, Alex was great in it.
But what acting?
What about us? We're as natural
as the day is long.
I think I went too far into it.
I was too method -
that's what ruined it.
Too method?!
It was absolutely incredible.
And this brings us on to my
second problem with your film.
The funny stuff,
unfortunately for you,
was mainly done by my assistant.
Why hasn't Widdicombe
got pie all over his face?
Because he had to take part
in the narrative.
The narrative needed us to be in it.
And Alex... I mean,
he's very good PA. A real blooper.
Sounds very much like there are
three people sitting over there
who aren't gonna win £200.
Well, I'd hate to be those guys.
And how did you feel about...?
Well, I was very pleased
with my performance.
But when I saw it back, the camera
work... You kind of miss the fall.
You missed the fall into the pool.
It's meant to be a blooper, so I
couldn't show my best camera moves,
cos I'd give the game away.
So I had to Blair Witch it.
If you go to Blair Witch Project
and go,
"Oh, this ain't shot very well..."
It's meant to look like that.
"I couldn't give my best camera
moves. I had to Blair Witch it"?!
So you think the cake is the
blooper, right, and you think,
"Oh, God, that was bloody funny.
"That's probably the best thing
I've ever seen. Oh, shit!
"Paddling pool out of nowhere!
Oh, my days!
"That's such a surprising
and entertaining blooper.
"And if anything,
they're almost TOO method
"in the way that they carried that
out. I thought it was brilliant.
"That's what I think about that."
That should be your reaction.
I would have probably
got to those layers,
but I was too busy with, "Ah,
there's this really bad acting.
"Ooh, they're not
doing it themselves.
"Ooh, they've missed
the actual accident."
It is a lot shitter
than I thought it was gonna look.
That is the honest truth.
When I watched it,
I thought this must be
some off-cuts version of the thing.
And then I waited for the reveal
and then there was none,
and then we had to defend
that dog shit.
And I feel I gave
an impassioned speech,
but I didn't believe a word of it.
It was...
I agree with Romesh.
We're taking a quick break now.
But don't hold that against us.
See you in a minute.
Hello and welcome back
to Taskmaster,
where someone will soon be getting
satisfied in the Royal Box.
Can we see how the old people did?
OK. The grown-ups did this film.
Hey, Brad, be careful
on that ladder, mate.
Jeff, mate, I know what I'm doing.
I do this every year.
You know they're coming at three
o'clock? What time is now?
Well... Oh!
JEFF LAUGHS
Jeff! Jeff! Honestly, mate.
Don't laugh at me, Jeff.
Oh, what a mug!
You get on with doing
the fruit salad, mate.
I'd be careful on there,
you know. It's quite wobbly.
I'm all right, thank you.
Ah, ah!
JEFF HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER
Hey, you all right, Brad? Brad!
Oh, God. What?
I'll get help. I'll get help!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That was brilliant!
Wow. Wow.
Well, I tell you what, it's gonna
be a borderline decision.
Oh, I mean, incredible.
The first thing I want to know is,
I wanna know about Brad and Jeff.
I wanna know something
of those guys' back story.
Well, it's something they
do every year.
And every year, there's a...
These guys!
Every year they think
it's gonna go fine.
And every year
there's a bloody calamity.
Oh, God. I mean, it's an
absolutely incredible stunt.
The stunt was amazing. You could
just see how it was done,
if you pause it at a certain point.
I don't think this spoils it,
but if you have a look at this, you
can just see how the stunt was done.
You're not telling me
that was an illusion?!
I'll get help! I'll get help!
We thought, wouldn't it be...
even more special
if the blooper film
had got a blooper in it?
I mean, they were both
fantastic efforts, but...
Well, you're half-right.
We all know where
this is going, guys, right?
Brad and Jeff are our winners!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What are the current scores, Alex?
So the elder people
are in the lead.
Frank is in second on eight.
Tim has ten points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What does the next task involve,
Alex?
It involves cooking and spelling.
Let's have a look.
AMERICAN ACCENT: I'm looking for the
Taskmaster. Oh, this is nice.
"Make the best meal
for the Taskmaster..."
"..using ingredients beginning with
every letter of the alphabet."
"You have a total of two hours.
Your time starts now."
Thanks for that.
Oh, write down what I want,
and then you go to the shops.
Ooh!
Two hours? Effort, innit?
"Looking for the Taskmaster."
Do you want to explain that?
Or are you all right? I've been
watching a lot of westerns.
Quite a challenge -
every letter of the alphabet.
Let's go straight into it.
Who are we seeing first?
All five of them for the very first
time planning their meals.
Well, I'll do the difficult
letters first.
Q? Q?
I need to think of something
that starts with Q.
How do you spell kumquat?
Q-U-I-N-O-A. That's not right.
Who's eating it? I'm tasting it.
All right.
B's a sod. B, B, B...
It's gonna be a nightmare
for Romesh, isn't it?
I'm in a bit of a dilemma here
because I'm a vegan.
Bacon.
Are you even allowed
to write the word bacon?
Yes, I'm allowed to
write the word bacon.
P's a real...real great food
letter. Pepperoni, peppers...
Pizza. Pizza.
Z. Tough one, innit?
Zucchini you would have as part of
a roast dinner, wouldn't you?
Zebra. But I've already got parrot.
God, this is hard.
One good idea for a dessert
is a fruit salad.
Grapes, orange, some kiwi.
Watermelon.
I love a bit of watermelon.
I mean, it's not just me
that's tempted by Double Decker.
OK. Tell you what - get rid of
the bacon. Get some facon.
Rabbit soup. I'm imagining
the two ears out the top.
U? Um Bongo.
Wine.
How do you spell ouzo?
Tequila.
That just leaves me with the X.
There's no ingredients that begin
with X. Except Triple X Mints.
There's nothing in the world
beginning with X.
Xylophone.
Xylophone.
Extra large. But I don't really
want anything that big.
So it'll be a small thing that I
want an extra large version of.
Grape?
Romesh, the vegan, you replaced
meat with facon, right? Yeah.
You still had eggs and ice cream.
Yeah, what I thought was I'd
compromise by including dairy items.
But I didn't go the
whole...hog, as it were.
Oh, man!
Are we gonna see
their individual VTs?
We are. We're gonna start
with Roisin. OK.
35 years on this planet
and never cooked a yam.
OK.
Ooh, you're in for a feast.
And a tin of meatballs, no less.
It's like the colour of a body
you'd find in the woods.
Oh, no. That was stressful.
You're in for a bloody treat.
Shit the bed!
Thank you, Roisin.
Here we go.
It's all right. It's quite...
It's got a kick.
The sausage is undercooked.
No, it's been in there
for 25 minutes.
Oh, that's it - overcooked.
It's definitely edible. I like it.
You like it? Are you serious?
It's quite nice.
Now the main course.
And what is this pizza called?
Taaaskmaster. The Taskmaster.
No, that's not how I said it.
So Roisin has served me
the Taaaskmaster pizza.
The goat's cheese and the anchovies,
they're a powerful combination.
It looks appalling.
What's the name of the cocktail?
Cocktail.
I almost feel like I don't have to
drink it, because of the smell.
That's enough.
I like Cocktail. Thank you, Roisin.
Hey, you're welcome.
How did she do ingredients-wise?
There was a lot.
There was a moment when she said,
"What are yams?"
And the Q was for quinoa.
Quinoa. Quinoa.
Quinoa? Quinoa.
What is the flavour of quinoa?
Horrible. I enjoyed the texture,
but I was surprised
that it wasn't more disgusting.
I mean, everyone was surprised.
I boiled it all in one pot -
the sausages and the quinoa.
How many of the letters did she
actually successfully...?
She used all of them
if you include U for umbrella.
I did a cocktail umbrella.
I had to have a cocktail umbrella.
I was giving him a cocktail.
Yeah, that's true. The cocktail was
made of Vermouth and red wine.
Ooh, my word!
Classic.
And the great thing is
that globally in cocktail menus,
the name Cocktail has not been used.
It hasn't. No, it hasn't. It hasn't!
I don't think it has, has it?
It hasn't. Do you want to see
another pizza? Yeah, I do.
OK, well this is nearly
a pizza from Josh.
Oh, fuck off!
After Eights. I can snack on these
throughout the process.
Do you want an After Eight?
Treat myself now.
Just spread that around.
Could you take your sock off,
please?
Je ne sais quoi,
as they say in Italy.
Can I join you?
I'd love that. Thank you, Josh.
No, thank you.
I'm just gonna go for a
little clump of... Garlicky bread.
Garlicky bread,
rather than garlic bread?
Very garlicky bread.
Let's have a look at
this quad colour salad.
Mmm. It's nice. And then you hit
the nectarine and it's confusing.
So, the pizza,
you're saying thin and crispy.
Hmm. It looks like a pizza,
and then you eat it
and it tastes like
a lot of ingredients on a wrap.
That is what pizza is, mate.
Dusting of Double Decker
and KitKat and Jammy Dodger.
Oh, yeah.
You're in for a treat.
I mean, it's very minty.
The dusting tastes like dust.
It's the dusting.
So, it's very...very nice.
Well, thank you, Josh.
And it's sort of just like
watching a student cook
what he would normally cook.
After Eights, KitKats,
hundreds and thousands,
Double Deckers and Jammy Dodgers.
Am I right thinking you put
some crushed mints there somewhere?
Yeah, I got some Triple X mints.
One of those new novelty-themed
restaurants.
"If you just pop your sock off, sir,
"I'm gonna crush some mints up
in it."
We thought the mints worked
very well.
I did, yeah. It was a good meal.
He very nearly put
Night Nurse in it. But...
Let's have a look at Romesh.
He's got to be more creative -
look at him.
If I tell you the look is more
realistic than the flavour,
that's gonna give you an idea.
Oh...!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
HE PLAYS A TUNE
Thank you.
Weirdly...this is quite nice.
The focaccia's perfect.
Just instinct I worked on with that.
He's made it look awful, and then
the taste is so surprising.
Yeah, but look at all the colours
and everything.
I'll have a bit of ouzo.
ROMESH TINKLES THE XYLOPHONE
All the senses were involved.
Bit of a headache, and so
by the time I was eating it,
it just sort of didn't really
taste of anything.
Party Party Fruit Salad.
It's lovely. Thank you for the meal.
Thank you.
Well, the first thing is,
I've been totally won round
by the inclusion of xylophone now.
Because I've forgotten how important
creating the right atmosphere
in a lovely restaurant is.
And what I want before I eat
is to be just incredibly irritated.
I just thought it was sort of nice
to sort of...
provide this kind of soundscape.
Soundscape?! Get over yourself!
How did it taste? It was pretty
good. There was no meat,
so it wasn't very nice. But it was...
And they were supposed to be making
meals for me, not for themselves.
And I'm a meat-eater, so...
And, you have already decimated
the chicken community,
so what does it matter?
I don't know how to cook meat.
I never cook with meat,
so I didn't want to put you
under any risk.
I was doing it for your own safety.
And I was trying to help you sort
of live a more ethical life.
Do you want to see a man cook meat?
I wanna see a man deal with meat.
That man did it.
It just never occurred to me that it
would have things like a skeleton.
What if I cut a centre section
in the steak
and then use that to house
the hollandaise potato?
They look like they
could possibly be wheels.
Hi. Hello.
Here it is. Let me just...
This is Watercress Down.
Watercress Down? Nice to conjure
up the image of the rabbit.
Hmm. Tastes like honest food.
It's artisan. Yeah.
But also if you got served it
during the war, you'd understand.
I'm gonna say that's a...
I like any dish where you know
which way up it should be.
Well, exactly.
It helps. A bit of zucchini wheel.
Hollandaise cargo.
It cut through it all right.
I think you'll find
it's nicely done.
The cargo was exceptional.
OK, so the penultimate course.
Ugli fruit and vegetable salad.
Hmm. First of all, ugli fruit is
the same as grapefruit, taste-wise.
The same thing.
The fennel has a horrible texture.
But the taste is admirable
and a welcome surprise.
Bear in mind it's called an ugli
fruit and vegetable salad, so...
No, you've done exactly that.
It's ugly in the mouth.
When you think it's all over,
this comes along.
So presentation-wise,
it's exceptional.
I mean, that's lovely Edam.
Nothing's let you down.
It's an excellent meal.
Thank you, Frank. Thank you.
I've changed my mind
about the music,
because that's how
to present a xylophone.
That's incredible. It looked
like a genuinely delicious meal.
We've got a picture
of the whole meal.
Can we have a look at
the whole thing?
And the main dish was called Beef
au Vin, so there was a pun as well.
Because it looked like a van.
Lovely. There was a pun
in every name.
Cheesy Music. Beef au Vin.
Watercress Down.
So much texture in that meal.
It's very, very different to Tim's.
I mean, this is the last task of
the series, and for good reason.
Tim's was... It was what it was.
It was what it was.
What I want to cook is rabbit
in white wine sauce.
What I'm going to cook is rabbit in
red wine and tequila and Um Bongo.
This is gonna be good.
I wish I'd got some pasta.
Oh, God. I'm now making pasta.
Oh, God!
Dog food...ravioli.
I'm gonna throw up.
This is pheasant.
Very gamey. That tastes nice. Really?
So, the letters...
We've got the D for the dog food,
Q for quince.
There's obviously K for
Kettle Chips...in the pasta.
As well as A for All Bran.
C for cheese spread.
You don't like it, do you?
Not easy.
It's not meant to be easy.
So I've done it.
"I've done it"
isn't a very nice thing to say.
The pasta was the problem,
if anything.
It was very thick and hairy.
You can see the hairs in it. I don't
know what the hairs are from.
I'll have a little bit of the drink.
So, some Um Bongo fizzy ice cubes...
..Yop and tequila.
It basically is Malibu.
That's lovely. OK, so the pie now.
And that's either rabbit or zebra.
That's less good, that one.
That one didn't taste nice.
If somebody served this to you,
you would not remain in contact
with them. I've served it to you.
And so it ends.
I think what impressed about Frank's
was the aesthetics of the meal.
So, it would be lovely if we could
see if Tim's nailed that as well.
If we can have a look at it.
There was grapefruit
in every course.
You called it...
Do you remember the whole meal?
You called the meal Citric Faeces.
That was the title.
Am I right in thinking that
every course was a main course?
It was very mediaeval.
But then it had Um Bongo
and All Bran.
Yeah, I mean I don't wanna
put words in your mouth,
but you've got to admire
my ambition.
He made his own pasta out of nachos.
It...
Man, it's difficult,
because yours was petrifying
and I like to be frightened
when I eat.
I just love the first thing
that you said to him -
"This was actually quite tasty."
And the chef went, "Really?"
It's up to you which you
think is the best meal.
It's a difficult one.
The two pizzas going in last.
The absolute lunacy
of Mr Tim Key's going in third.
Romesh is in second. Simple as that.
I mean clearly the best meal
there, by a country mile,
was Mr Frank Skinner - the winner.
All right!
Marvellous!
And a special round of applause
for Mr Alex Horne, of course.
CHEERING
Very much going beyond
the assistant's role there.
First the paddling pool
and now eating dog food.
Oh, I forgot about that. I should
have marked you down. Too late.
See you after the break, everyone.
Welcome back to the fourth part
of Taskmaster,
where one of these comedians
will be walking away with
what they came with.
And some other rubbish.
Firstly I'd like to ask you, what
are the scores at this stage?
Good question. So, Romesh is in third
on eight points,
but the two people who could win it
still are Tim and Frank,
who are both on 13 points.
APPLAUSE
And also, anyone can
still win the series.
Except for Roisin and Tim. OK.
They're all wearing gloves.
Can you, Alex,
read out the task, please?
OK. Wearing boxing gloves, put the
blue sweets in the empty bowl.
Most blue sweets wins.
Non-blue sweets will be
subtracted from your total.
You have 100 seconds.
Can the floor get fucked up?
It doesn't say... Yeah, it
doesn't say whether the floor
can get fucked up or not.
Right. I've got my system.
Can you read it again, please?
Oh, get over your...
If you've seen The Crystal Maze,
it's a similar thing, but with
Smarties and boxing gloves.
No, I don't want you
paraphrasing it.
I wanna hear the actual task.
Wearing boxing gloves, Romesh, put
the blue sweets in the empty bowl.
OK? Oh, OK, yeah.
Most blue sweets wins.
Non-blue sweets will be subtracted
from your total.
I'm sorry, Greg. Can I just quickly
say...I've got a cool technique.
OK, well, I mean, the rules
are pretty clear to anyone
with a brain in their head.
When you're ready.
OK, good luck, everyone.
Cheer for your favourites.
Shout some names out for us!
That's one. Frank's got one.
Frank has one.
Frank Skinner has one!
There's a pink one there.
There's loads of pink.
We will take away the non-blue ones
from your total.
Yeah, but it will still be more
than what anyone else will have,
cos I'll have the whole bowl
in there.
Yes, but you'll have more non-blue
than blue. I'm willing to chance it.
This is looking pretty good.
That's pretty good.
That is pretty impressive.
Tim's bowl is still empty.
You have 50 seconds, Tim.
48 now.
AUDIENCE ENCOURAGES THEM
25 seconds. 25 seconds.
This is my new bowl.
25 seconds. 25 seconds.
Ten seconds! Ten seconds.
It's over.
Alex, add up the blue sweets.
Everyone join me down here.
Let's see how that's affected
the final scores.
Wonderful semi-competent work
from everyone.
What were the final scores?
Well, amazingly, Roisin got 428
blue sweets into her bowl. Whoa!
She also got 2,571 non-blue sweets.
So she scored minus 2,143.
Neck and neck.
Josh, you got 23 blues,
but 13 non-blue.
So you scored ten.
Frank, 12 blues, one wrong. 11.
Romesh, 22 blues and ten non-blues.
You scored 12.
Tim Key, 21 blues and no non-blues.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Quite a victory. How you feeling?
Good. What does that do
to the scores?
Well, that's what we're
about to find out.
Wow! What does that do
to the scores?
So you can see that Tim Key has won
his first episode of Taskmaster.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But not only is that
the end of the show,
it's also the end of the series.
And so it seems only right
to find out which contestant
won the most points
over all the episodes
and to present that person with the
inaugural Taskmaster trophy.
Alex, do some maths and tell us who
is this series' overall winner?
There are two people tied
in second and third.
But as you can see here, the overall
winner was Mr Josh Widdicombe!
Josh Widdicombe!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Josh Widdicombe!
And thank you for watching.
And remember, the task of the leader
is to get the people
from where they are
to where they have not been.
You are my people.
Let's go somewhere nice this year.
Good night.
I'm not saying that this was
a last-minute purchase...
but why is there a man
doing karate on the top?!
Subtitles by Ericsson
CTO M852N/82
BF000000
Argh!
Hello. I'm Greg Davies and this is
Taskmaster. But what is Taskmaster?
Well, it's a chance for me to flex
my massive comedic muscles.
And for some other smaller comedians
to undertake
some fatuous
yet fantastical tasks for me.
It's basically a comedy food chain.
Let's meet them now.
He's looked exactly the same
for nearly 60 years.
LAUGHTER
I've seen baby pictures. It's weird.
It's the legend
that is Mr Frank Skinner!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
When he reached the age of 12,
he thought,
"Yeah, I'm sticking with this."
It's Josh Widdicombe!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
After a party at my house, I found
this comedian asleep on my sofa,
with 14 penises drawn on her face.
Roisin Conaty!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Quite simply, a lovely, kind man.
Probably my favourite.
Really the loveliest of all the
contestants. Mr Romesh Ranganathan!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Finally, a man who's earned
a great deal of respect
in the comedy industry,
but often lets himself down in
social situations. Mr Tim Key!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And as ever,
to my left and to your right
is my very personal assistant
Alex Horne. Hello.
Alex, let's start the show
with some traditional
high-level banter between us.
OK, I've been practising. OK.
Ready? Yeah.
Phwoar. Phwoar. Is that banter?
What's banter?
What, saying "Phwoar" to me?
I don't know, I don't know,
I don't know. I don't know.
I literally don't know.
It gets much better than this, guys.
It doesn't always.
Alex, what's the first task?
The first task, Greg,
is the prize task.
As ever, the comedians
have been asked to bring in
some of their own possessions
for the prize haul.
You'll be judging
which of their possessions
is the best, and they'll get
points for that.
You've asked them to bring in
their most satisfying item.
Let's get some points going.
Tim, what did you bring in
that's satisfying?
I've made a fish chowder.
There is nothing
more comforting to me
than the awful retching
that's brought on by fish poisoning.
Tim, when did you make it?
I made it on Sunday. Oh, gosh!
Oh, man. This was made on Sunday.
It's now Wednesday.
You're not wanting me to...eat this,
right? No, no, no.
Oh, yes.
Yes, please, Greg. That's why we
came - to see you shit yourself.
It smells nice.
Yeah, I mean, not exactly
the reaction I was after.
The only way to judge
how comforting this is
is to eat it and
to see if I feel comforted.
I'm not prepared to that...
but my assistant is.
Thank you, Greg.
But I don't understand.
That's my cooking!
It's really nice. It's really...
It's very satisfying. Yeah?
Yeah, really satisfying. I would say
that's a satisfying chowder.
OK, great. Will he puke?
Won't he puke? Will he puke?
Yeah, well, I'm allergic
to fish, so...
If he is ill, don't worry.
I'll tell everyone Romesh made it.
So...Romesh...
what have you brought in
that's comforting?
I have brought in...my vape mod.
That is the top-of-the-range tank
you can see there.
It counts how many puffs
you've taken.
You can change the wattage
and ampage of the puffs.
And you can also charge your
mobile phone from it. Wow, yeah.
It's pretty satisfying.
Can you really charge
your mobile phone from it?
Yes. It's got a USB connection.
So easily pleased. "Can you really
charge a mobile phone from it?"
The only way that that's going to be
a satisfying thing to bring in
is if I'm addicted to nicotine.
Lucky for you, I am.
What's so great about it
is it stops you smoking
and you feel like you're
giving RoboCop a blowy.
It's great.
Roisin, what have you brought in
that is satisfying?
Well, what I find really satisfying
and comforting is a head massage.
There's a tool you can get,
it's called the Orgasmatron.
Oh, my God, that's amazing!
And you do that to yourself.
And it is the nicest feeling
in the world.
It's so good. It's sort of
a robot massager, isn't it?
I imagine you can't wait to get
stuck into that, Romesh.
I tell you what...I get the vape
thing, get that, I've got a weekend.
What have you brought in, Josh?
I spent three months of my life
completing the 2014 World Cup
Sticker Album.
Oh, my God!
CHEERING
They're all there, they're all in
order, they're all in place,
they're all aligned.
Not the best photo
to show it off, really.
Frank, what did you bring us
that's satisfying?
This is a stressful age we live in,
so I brought in an anti-stress ball.
LAUGHTER
Shut up. I'm getting four grand
for this.
When you squeeze it,
as one does the stress ball,
it has a noise.
Would you like to hear the noise?
Oh, more than anything.
METALLIC VOICE: Calm down, dude.
Calm down, dude.
So in other words...
..it's a dead man's voice
in a sphere.
I'm gonna make a quick decision
on this,
so that we can crack on
with the show.
Roisin, I don't want to
massage myself.
Then Frank Skinner will be there,
because I don't want to hear
a voice of a dead man.
Then I'm going to put Romesh in,
because it was supposed to be
generally satisfying,
and there's only a few losers here
who are addicted to nicotine.
You're one of 'em, mate.
That didn't go as well as I hoped.
I thought, go aggressive.
You didn't go with me, you know.
It's backfired.
I look like a prick now.
It's difficult, isn't it?
It's difficult.
He spent eight hours on his chowder.
I spent three months,
swapping with other grown adults.
To be fair, mine said halibut
and I used salmon.
The trouble is, Josh, it's
really impressive what you did.
But the last time I was interested
in a football album was in 1982,
and that's not cos
I like football -
it was to impress a boy
called Philip.
Anyone who makes me
a lovingly prepared fish dish
is gonna win this task.
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of
the first task is Mr Tim Key.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This is the sixth show
of the series.
I've got the total of points so far.
Roisin's on 60, Tim's on 70,
Frank, 77, Romesh on 81,
despite not winning a show.
Josh is the leader so far on 85.
Remarkable.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And there, ladies and gentlemen,
just so you can witness them,
are all the satisfying prizes
up there in that box.
Whoever wins at the end of this show
will head up there
and celebrate wildly
and take them all home.
Let's get on with the first proper
task of the night. Here we go.
FRANK CHUCKLES
Well, that's a T and an M.
"Get the lowest golf score
using eggs."
"You must complete the five holes
using chicken's eggs."
"Your score will be calculated
as follows -
"shots times eggs times minutes."
"Your time starts...now."
Do I need to use this...?
A club, oh, yeah.
And if you're wondering who knows
least about the game of golf...
that question is answered
by another question -
the question,
"Do I have to use a club?"
I imagine Mr Skinner
knows a bit about golf.
I have played golf in the past.
I've played with
Bing Crosby back in '34.
And I'm morally opposed
to the whole game as a vegan.
Yeah?
You weren't that morally opposed -
you did it immediately.
I hoped that I could go around
without damaging any eggs.
And I thought that would sort
of sidestep the issue.
Do you wanna have a look?
I seem to remember that if you hit
on the point of the egg,
they don't break.
That was incorrect.
Shit. Shit!
You have to hit them a bit harder
as they bleed.
Oh, come on!
Are you allowed to sort of sweep
your way through it in golf?
Ooh!
That club's a bit eggy.
Oof!
I don't even know if morally
I'm allowed to do this.
It's impossible, this one.
What's a windmill got to do with it?
You're in my way, windmill!
I wonder if that'll go over.
I'm done.
Any more eggs? I've got three
eggs left to this and that?
Otherwise there might
not be any eggs left in the world.
Which was the problem hole for you?
I think it might be the one that I
used over two dozen eggs on, maybe.
Just off the top of my head,
that probably is.
You would have noticed it,
but one genuinely amazing
chip shot there.
Roisin continued to beautifully
caress the egg around the course.
And then the vegan
lost his mind, didn't he?
Why do you hate chickens so much?
I don't hate chickens.
Explain that to your community.
The vegan community.
Listen, it was a really upsetting
day for me.
I don't know how many eggs I lost.
Well, you took 68 shots,
14 minutes 20 and 36 eggs.
Which adds up to 35,088 points,
but we ran out of eggs.
I asked for more eggs,
but I was denied more eggs.
Yeah, because we were worried about
the chicken community dying out.
A lot of people like chicken.
How do we score this?
Do we think if most of the egg
gets in the hole, that's counted?
That's exactly
what you should ask yourself.
I'll do that now.
Greg...
Yes?
Yeah, OK, if most of the egg gets
in, I think it's counted.
The par is three.
If you can get it round
with one egg, one minute per hole,
three shots per hole,
you get a score of about 15.
Eggs times minutes times shots.
So, Frank you took 32 shots,
seven minutes and five eggs.
You got a score of 1,096.
Have you played golf before, Rois?
No. She did pretty well.
Roisin took 40 shots in just
four minutes, using six eggs.
She got 1,000 points.
Some of those shots
did last for 35 seconds.
They were very...very long.
Very long shots.
It's break time now.
So do what you gotta do.
We'll see you when you're finished.
Hello and welcome back
to Taskmaster,
the place where comedians
are playing for an Orgasmatron,
a slow-cooked meal
or a stress reliever.
Shall we see some more?
Yeah, so Tim and Josh did it
in a slightly different way.
Can I go in and boil an egg?
I've used two eggs.
I've gotta boil the eggs, haven't I?
I'm boiling the eggs.
From what I remember,
it's three minutes. Come on!
Hang on.
I don't know what you're doing.
I know what I'm doing.
Oh!
This one's got a slight leak.
Just play the game.
I wonder whether I could have
boiled them for longer.
Slight egg issues. But it's in.
Oh, this is the big one.
More confidence needed.
I'm done.
Boiling the eggs.
Sportsman-like, do you think?
I don't think there's any rules
against it in golf.
I guess you can boil
your balls, right?
In certain climates, yeah.
Yeah, also, you only boiled them for
two and a half minutes. So they...
Should you be penalised
for bad boiling?
You can't have it both ways!
And were you expecting some points
for that tiny bit of shell
you got into one of the holes?
Earlier on you said,
"Any egg that gets in the hole
"counts as in the hole." All right.
If we're happy, then Josh
took 42 shots in 21 minutes
cos of the boiling problems.
And he used seven eggs, so you scored
about 6,000 points, just over.
Tim, 39 shots, ten minutes,
three eggs, 1,200 points.
So if we're all happy with
the rules, which we're not...
..then it would go Roisin,
Frank, Tim... Are you serious?
I'm just looking at this face -
he's so cross.
Well, I didn't sort of say it
at the time,
because I thought I was
gonna run away with this one.
But looking at it again,
Roisin just swept them.
Sweeping's not what...
I didn't sweep the whole time.
You swept most of the time!
No, I didn't! I didn't crack an egg.
And the big ones
I got over quite easily.
I think you're all shit at golf.
It was my first go.
How are you smashing eggs like that?
It sounds like even
professional golf players
are shit at golf.
OK, I'm the only one who didn't
break the egg on the ramp.
So if you're looking for
golf skills...
She always pings her bra when
she's pleased with herself.
It's one of her things.
No, I'm happy with you winning.
How come I've got the lowest points?
You didn't break any eggs.
But surely I should have
6,000 points, then?
No, no, no. The lowest is better.
No, let's listen to Roisin.
Give her the...
She's absolutely right.
I wanna see her ping her bra again.
Let's give her the highest amount.
Basically what we're saying
in this game
is that there are no rules
in our version of golf.
It just feels really weird
that I haven't won that.
Tim, you put it in the tennis ball,
but you were very bad at getting
the tennis ball into the hole,
cos the tennis ball
was bigger than the hole.
So quite often
it went over the hole.
You took almost the most shots,
just behind Romesh.
I think we should score this
according to... Who's won.
Who's won.
Good idea, yeah. OK, let's do it.
In that case, Roisin Conaty's
the winner.
Roisin Conaty wins!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How the scores looking, Alex?
So Frank, Roisin and Josh
are all on six points.
Tim Key's on eight points,
in the lead.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What's next, Alex?
There is a team task now.
So in the team task, we've actually
put the contestants into two teams.
We've put the three in the middle,
Josh, Roisin and Romesh,
as one team
because their age adds up to 100,
as does the other two.
Let's see how they get on.
Thank you. Hello, Alex.
"Stage a realistic blooper
from a home movie."
"The Taskmaster will give points
to the best film-makers.
"You have one hour.
The time starts now."
Got it.
Why you sitting on the sofa?
What are you doing? Just thinking.
How are you on a unicycle?
OK, so this is what
I wanted them to do.
I wanted them to do a blooper film,
because those are the things
that I find funniest in life.
The film that I think
is the funniest,
I'll give two points
to each person in the team.
And the other people get nothing.
Simple. What about effort?
Absolutely not taken
into consideration whatsoever.
OK. Just to be clear.
Who are we gonna see first, Alex?
Do you want to start with
the children? Yes, please.
OK. Do one of you want to introduce
the film? Yeah. Go on, then, Josh.
This film is like a look backstage
in what it was like
to make Taskmaster.
What could possibly go wrong?
Behind the scenes of Taskmaster.
Just before we roll, just let Romesh
do his jazz hands one more time.
Behind the scenes of Taskmaster.
Can we have a look at it?
OK, here it is.
This is just behind the scenes of...
Romesh will do a task
where he's about to start.
Have you done this one?
Hundreds and thousands, yeah.
Count the hundreds and thousands.
It's really fun.
It's a great task.
They're already having a debate
that we had the other day about
whether it's hundreds or thousands.
Oh. Shall we go and...?
Let's go and see
how they're getting on.
Yeah, but is this a hundred
or is it a thousand?
Are you serious?
A lot of banter. This is
the kind of banter we have.
DEBATE CONTINUES
Hit his arse!
Hit his arse!
This here - is it a hundred
or a thousand?
Hit his arse!
I was joking!
I've got cake on my face.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Alex. It's me. I told him.
I'm so sorry. I...
Ooh!
I'm so sorry. I told him to...
I think that was good.
That is without question
the worst acting
I've seen committed to
a film...ever.
What? Alex's fall?
No, Alex was great in it.
But what acting?
What about us? We're as natural
as the day is long.
I think I went too far into it.
I was too method -
that's what ruined it.
Too method?!
It was absolutely incredible.
And this brings us on to my
second problem with your film.
The funny stuff,
unfortunately for you,
was mainly done by my assistant.
Why hasn't Widdicombe
got pie all over his face?
Because he had to take part
in the narrative.
The narrative needed us to be in it.
And Alex... I mean,
he's very good PA. A real blooper.
Sounds very much like there are
three people sitting over there
who aren't gonna win £200.
Well, I'd hate to be those guys.
And how did you feel about...?
Well, I was very pleased
with my performance.
But when I saw it back, the camera
work... You kind of miss the fall.
You missed the fall into the pool.
It's meant to be a blooper, so I
couldn't show my best camera moves,
cos I'd give the game away.
So I had to Blair Witch it.
If you go to Blair Witch Project
and go,
"Oh, this ain't shot very well..."
It's meant to look like that.
"I couldn't give my best camera
moves. I had to Blair Witch it"?!
So you think the cake is the
blooper, right, and you think,
"Oh, God, that was bloody funny.
"That's probably the best thing
I've ever seen. Oh, shit!
"Paddling pool out of nowhere!
Oh, my days!
"That's such a surprising
and entertaining blooper.
"And if anything,
they're almost TOO method
"in the way that they carried that
out. I thought it was brilliant.
"That's what I think about that."
That should be your reaction.
I would have probably
got to those layers,
but I was too busy with, "Ah,
there's this really bad acting.
"Ooh, they're not
doing it themselves.
"Ooh, they've missed
the actual accident."
It is a lot shitter
than I thought it was gonna look.
That is the honest truth.
When I watched it,
I thought this must be
some off-cuts version of the thing.
And then I waited for the reveal
and then there was none,
and then we had to defend
that dog shit.
And I feel I gave
an impassioned speech,
but I didn't believe a word of it.
It was...
I agree with Romesh.
We're taking a quick break now.
But don't hold that against us.
See you in a minute.
Hello and welcome back
to Taskmaster,
where someone will soon be getting
satisfied in the Royal Box.
Can we see how the old people did?
OK. The grown-ups did this film.
Hey, Brad, be careful
on that ladder, mate.
Jeff, mate, I know what I'm doing.
I do this every year.
You know they're coming at three
o'clock? What time is now?
Well... Oh!
JEFF LAUGHS
Jeff! Jeff! Honestly, mate.
Don't laugh at me, Jeff.
Oh, what a mug!
You get on with doing
the fruit salad, mate.
I'd be careful on there,
you know. It's quite wobbly.
I'm all right, thank you.
Ah, ah!
JEFF HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER
Hey, you all right, Brad? Brad!
Oh, God. What?
I'll get help. I'll get help!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That was brilliant!
Wow. Wow.
Well, I tell you what, it's gonna
be a borderline decision.
Oh, I mean, incredible.
The first thing I want to know is,
I wanna know about Brad and Jeff.
I wanna know something
of those guys' back story.
Well, it's something they
do every year.
And every year, there's a...
These guys!
Every year they think
it's gonna go fine.
And every year
there's a bloody calamity.
Oh, God. I mean, it's an
absolutely incredible stunt.
The stunt was amazing. You could
just see how it was done,
if you pause it at a certain point.
I don't think this spoils it,
but if you have a look at this, you
can just see how the stunt was done.
You're not telling me
that was an illusion?!
I'll get help! I'll get help!
We thought, wouldn't it be...
even more special
if the blooper film
had got a blooper in it?
I mean, they were both
fantastic efforts, but...
Well, you're half-right.
We all know where
this is going, guys, right?
Brad and Jeff are our winners!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What are the current scores, Alex?
So the elder people
are in the lead.
Frank is in second on eight.
Tim has ten points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What does the next task involve,
Alex?
It involves cooking and spelling.
Let's have a look.
AMERICAN ACCENT: I'm looking for the
Taskmaster. Oh, this is nice.
"Make the best meal
for the Taskmaster..."
"..using ingredients beginning with
every letter of the alphabet."
"You have a total of two hours.
Your time starts now."
Thanks for that.
Oh, write down what I want,
and then you go to the shops.
Ooh!
Two hours? Effort, innit?
"Looking for the Taskmaster."
Do you want to explain that?
Or are you all right? I've been
watching a lot of westerns.
Quite a challenge -
every letter of the alphabet.
Let's go straight into it.
Who are we seeing first?
All five of them for the very first
time planning their meals.
Well, I'll do the difficult
letters first.
Q? Q?
I need to think of something
that starts with Q.
How do you spell kumquat?
Q-U-I-N-O-A. That's not right.
Who's eating it? I'm tasting it.
All right.
B's a sod. B, B, B...
It's gonna be a nightmare
for Romesh, isn't it?
I'm in a bit of a dilemma here
because I'm a vegan.
Bacon.
Are you even allowed
to write the word bacon?
Yes, I'm allowed to
write the word bacon.
P's a real...real great food
letter. Pepperoni, peppers...
Pizza. Pizza.
Z. Tough one, innit?
Zucchini you would have as part of
a roast dinner, wouldn't you?
Zebra. But I've already got parrot.
God, this is hard.
One good idea for a dessert
is a fruit salad.
Grapes, orange, some kiwi.
Watermelon.
I love a bit of watermelon.
I mean, it's not just me
that's tempted by Double Decker.
OK. Tell you what - get rid of
the bacon. Get some facon.
Rabbit soup. I'm imagining
the two ears out the top.
U? Um Bongo.
Wine.
How do you spell ouzo?
Tequila.
That just leaves me with the X.
There's no ingredients that begin
with X. Except Triple X Mints.
There's nothing in the world
beginning with X.
Xylophone.
Xylophone.
Extra large. But I don't really
want anything that big.
So it'll be a small thing that I
want an extra large version of.
Grape?
Romesh, the vegan, you replaced
meat with facon, right? Yeah.
You still had eggs and ice cream.
Yeah, what I thought was I'd
compromise by including dairy items.
But I didn't go the
whole...hog, as it were.
Oh, man!
Are we gonna see
their individual VTs?
We are. We're gonna start
with Roisin. OK.
35 years on this planet
and never cooked a yam.
OK.
Ooh, you're in for a feast.
And a tin of meatballs, no less.
It's like the colour of a body
you'd find in the woods.
Oh, no. That was stressful.
You're in for a bloody treat.
Shit the bed!
Thank you, Roisin.
Here we go.
It's all right. It's quite...
It's got a kick.
The sausage is undercooked.
No, it's been in there
for 25 minutes.
Oh, that's it - overcooked.
It's definitely edible. I like it.
You like it? Are you serious?
It's quite nice.
Now the main course.
And what is this pizza called?
Taaaskmaster. The Taskmaster.
No, that's not how I said it.
So Roisin has served me
the Taaaskmaster pizza.
The goat's cheese and the anchovies,
they're a powerful combination.
It looks appalling.
What's the name of the cocktail?
Cocktail.
I almost feel like I don't have to
drink it, because of the smell.
That's enough.
I like Cocktail. Thank you, Roisin.
Hey, you're welcome.
How did she do ingredients-wise?
There was a lot.
There was a moment when she said,
"What are yams?"
And the Q was for quinoa.
Quinoa. Quinoa.
Quinoa? Quinoa.
What is the flavour of quinoa?
Horrible. I enjoyed the texture,
but I was surprised
that it wasn't more disgusting.
I mean, everyone was surprised.
I boiled it all in one pot -
the sausages and the quinoa.
How many of the letters did she
actually successfully...?
She used all of them
if you include U for umbrella.
I did a cocktail umbrella.
I had to have a cocktail umbrella.
I was giving him a cocktail.
Yeah, that's true. The cocktail was
made of Vermouth and red wine.
Ooh, my word!
Classic.
And the great thing is
that globally in cocktail menus,
the name Cocktail has not been used.
It hasn't. No, it hasn't. It hasn't!
I don't think it has, has it?
It hasn't. Do you want to see
another pizza? Yeah, I do.
OK, well this is nearly
a pizza from Josh.
Oh, fuck off!
After Eights. I can snack on these
throughout the process.
Do you want an After Eight?
Treat myself now.
Just spread that around.
Could you take your sock off,
please?
Je ne sais quoi,
as they say in Italy.
Can I join you?
I'd love that. Thank you, Josh.
No, thank you.
I'm just gonna go for a
little clump of... Garlicky bread.
Garlicky bread,
rather than garlic bread?
Very garlicky bread.
Let's have a look at
this quad colour salad.
Mmm. It's nice. And then you hit
the nectarine and it's confusing.
So, the pizza,
you're saying thin and crispy.
Hmm. It looks like a pizza,
and then you eat it
and it tastes like
a lot of ingredients on a wrap.
That is what pizza is, mate.
Dusting of Double Decker
and KitKat and Jammy Dodger.
Oh, yeah.
You're in for a treat.
I mean, it's very minty.
The dusting tastes like dust.
It's the dusting.
So, it's very...very nice.
Well, thank you, Josh.
And it's sort of just like
watching a student cook
what he would normally cook.
After Eights, KitKats,
hundreds and thousands,
Double Deckers and Jammy Dodgers.
Am I right thinking you put
some crushed mints there somewhere?
Yeah, I got some Triple X mints.
One of those new novelty-themed
restaurants.
"If you just pop your sock off, sir,
"I'm gonna crush some mints up
in it."
We thought the mints worked
very well.
I did, yeah. It was a good meal.
He very nearly put
Night Nurse in it. But...
Let's have a look at Romesh.
He's got to be more creative -
look at him.
If I tell you the look is more
realistic than the flavour,
that's gonna give you an idea.
Oh...!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
HE PLAYS A TUNE
Thank you.
Weirdly...this is quite nice.
The focaccia's perfect.
Just instinct I worked on with that.
He's made it look awful, and then
the taste is so surprising.
Yeah, but look at all the colours
and everything.
I'll have a bit of ouzo.
ROMESH TINKLES THE XYLOPHONE
All the senses were involved.
Bit of a headache, and so
by the time I was eating it,
it just sort of didn't really
taste of anything.
Party Party Fruit Salad.
It's lovely. Thank you for the meal.
Thank you.
Well, the first thing is,
I've been totally won round
by the inclusion of xylophone now.
Because I've forgotten how important
creating the right atmosphere
in a lovely restaurant is.
And what I want before I eat
is to be just incredibly irritated.
I just thought it was sort of nice
to sort of...
provide this kind of soundscape.
Soundscape?! Get over yourself!
How did it taste? It was pretty
good. There was no meat,
so it wasn't very nice. But it was...
And they were supposed to be making
meals for me, not for themselves.
And I'm a meat-eater, so...
And, you have already decimated
the chicken community,
so what does it matter?
I don't know how to cook meat.
I never cook with meat,
so I didn't want to put you
under any risk.
I was doing it for your own safety.
And I was trying to help you sort
of live a more ethical life.
Do you want to see a man cook meat?
I wanna see a man deal with meat.
That man did it.
It just never occurred to me that it
would have things like a skeleton.
What if I cut a centre section
in the steak
and then use that to house
the hollandaise potato?
They look like they
could possibly be wheels.
Hi. Hello.
Here it is. Let me just...
This is Watercress Down.
Watercress Down? Nice to conjure
up the image of the rabbit.
Hmm. Tastes like honest food.
It's artisan. Yeah.
But also if you got served it
during the war, you'd understand.
I'm gonna say that's a...
I like any dish where you know
which way up it should be.
Well, exactly.
It helps. A bit of zucchini wheel.
Hollandaise cargo.
It cut through it all right.
I think you'll find
it's nicely done.
The cargo was exceptional.
OK, so the penultimate course.
Ugli fruit and vegetable salad.
Hmm. First of all, ugli fruit is
the same as grapefruit, taste-wise.
The same thing.
The fennel has a horrible texture.
But the taste is admirable
and a welcome surprise.
Bear in mind it's called an ugli
fruit and vegetable salad, so...
No, you've done exactly that.
It's ugly in the mouth.
When you think it's all over,
this comes along.
So presentation-wise,
it's exceptional.
I mean, that's lovely Edam.
Nothing's let you down.
It's an excellent meal.
Thank you, Frank. Thank you.
I've changed my mind
about the music,
because that's how
to present a xylophone.
That's incredible. It looked
like a genuinely delicious meal.
We've got a picture
of the whole meal.
Can we have a look at
the whole thing?
And the main dish was called Beef
au Vin, so there was a pun as well.
Because it looked like a van.
Lovely. There was a pun
in every name.
Cheesy Music. Beef au Vin.
Watercress Down.
So much texture in that meal.
It's very, very different to Tim's.
I mean, this is the last task of
the series, and for good reason.
Tim's was... It was what it was.
It was what it was.
What I want to cook is rabbit
in white wine sauce.
What I'm going to cook is rabbit in
red wine and tequila and Um Bongo.
This is gonna be good.
I wish I'd got some pasta.
Oh, God. I'm now making pasta.
Oh, God!
Dog food...ravioli.
I'm gonna throw up.
This is pheasant.
Very gamey. That tastes nice. Really?
So, the letters...
We've got the D for the dog food,
Q for quince.
There's obviously K for
Kettle Chips...in the pasta.
As well as A for All Bran.
C for cheese spread.
You don't like it, do you?
Not easy.
It's not meant to be easy.
So I've done it.
"I've done it"
isn't a very nice thing to say.
The pasta was the problem,
if anything.
It was very thick and hairy.
You can see the hairs in it. I don't
know what the hairs are from.
I'll have a little bit of the drink.
So, some Um Bongo fizzy ice cubes...
..Yop and tequila.
It basically is Malibu.
That's lovely. OK, so the pie now.
And that's either rabbit or zebra.
That's less good, that one.
That one didn't taste nice.
If somebody served this to you,
you would not remain in contact
with them. I've served it to you.
And so it ends.
I think what impressed about Frank's
was the aesthetics of the meal.
So, it would be lovely if we could
see if Tim's nailed that as well.
If we can have a look at it.
There was grapefruit
in every course.
You called it...
Do you remember the whole meal?
You called the meal Citric Faeces.
That was the title.
Am I right in thinking that
every course was a main course?
It was very mediaeval.
But then it had Um Bongo
and All Bran.
Yeah, I mean I don't wanna
put words in your mouth,
but you've got to admire
my ambition.
He made his own pasta out of nachos.
It...
Man, it's difficult,
because yours was petrifying
and I like to be frightened
when I eat.
I just love the first thing
that you said to him -
"This was actually quite tasty."
And the chef went, "Really?"
It's up to you which you
think is the best meal.
It's a difficult one.
The two pizzas going in last.
The absolute lunacy
of Mr Tim Key's going in third.
Romesh is in second. Simple as that.
I mean clearly the best meal
there, by a country mile,
was Mr Frank Skinner - the winner.
All right!
Marvellous!
And a special round of applause
for Mr Alex Horne, of course.
CHEERING
Very much going beyond
the assistant's role there.
First the paddling pool
and now eating dog food.
Oh, I forgot about that. I should
have marked you down. Too late.
See you after the break, everyone.
Welcome back to the fourth part
of Taskmaster,
where one of these comedians
will be walking away with
what they came with.
And some other rubbish.
Firstly I'd like to ask you, what
are the scores at this stage?
Good question. So, Romesh is in third
on eight points,
but the two people who could win it
still are Tim and Frank,
who are both on 13 points.
APPLAUSE
And also, anyone can
still win the series.
Except for Roisin and Tim. OK.
They're all wearing gloves.
Can you, Alex,
read out the task, please?
OK. Wearing boxing gloves, put the
blue sweets in the empty bowl.
Most blue sweets wins.
Non-blue sweets will be
subtracted from your total.
You have 100 seconds.
Can the floor get fucked up?
It doesn't say... Yeah, it
doesn't say whether the floor
can get fucked up or not.
Right. I've got my system.
Can you read it again, please?
Oh, get over your...
If you've seen The Crystal Maze,
it's a similar thing, but with
Smarties and boxing gloves.
No, I don't want you
paraphrasing it.
I wanna hear the actual task.
Wearing boxing gloves, Romesh, put
the blue sweets in the empty bowl.
OK? Oh, OK, yeah.
Most blue sweets wins.
Non-blue sweets will be subtracted
from your total.
I'm sorry, Greg. Can I just quickly
say...I've got a cool technique.
OK, well, I mean, the rules
are pretty clear to anyone
with a brain in their head.
When you're ready.
OK, good luck, everyone.
Cheer for your favourites.
Shout some names out for us!
That's one. Frank's got one.
Frank has one.
Frank Skinner has one!
There's a pink one there.
There's loads of pink.
We will take away the non-blue ones
from your total.
Yeah, but it will still be more
than what anyone else will have,
cos I'll have the whole bowl
in there.
Yes, but you'll have more non-blue
than blue. I'm willing to chance it.
This is looking pretty good.
That's pretty good.
That is pretty impressive.
Tim's bowl is still empty.
You have 50 seconds, Tim.
48 now.
AUDIENCE ENCOURAGES THEM
25 seconds. 25 seconds.
This is my new bowl.
25 seconds. 25 seconds.
Ten seconds! Ten seconds.
It's over.
Alex, add up the blue sweets.
Everyone join me down here.
Let's see how that's affected
the final scores.
Wonderful semi-competent work
from everyone.
What were the final scores?
Well, amazingly, Roisin got 428
blue sweets into her bowl. Whoa!
She also got 2,571 non-blue sweets.
So she scored minus 2,143.
Neck and neck.
Josh, you got 23 blues,
but 13 non-blue.
So you scored ten.
Frank, 12 blues, one wrong. 11.
Romesh, 22 blues and ten non-blues.
You scored 12.
Tim Key, 21 blues and no non-blues.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Quite a victory. How you feeling?
Good. What does that do
to the scores?
Well, that's what we're
about to find out.
Wow! What does that do
to the scores?
So you can see that Tim Key has won
his first episode of Taskmaster.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But not only is that
the end of the show,
it's also the end of the series.
And so it seems only right
to find out which contestant
won the most points
over all the episodes
and to present that person with the
inaugural Taskmaster trophy.
Alex, do some maths and tell us who
is this series' overall winner?
There are two people tied
in second and third.
But as you can see here, the overall
winner was Mr Josh Widdicombe!
Josh Widdicombe!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Josh Widdicombe!
And thank you for watching.
And remember, the task of the leader
is to get the people
from where they are
to where they have not been.
You are my people.
Let's go somewhere nice this year.
Good night.
I'm not saying that this was
a last-minute purchase...
but why is there a man
doing karate on the top?!
Subtitles by Ericsson