Shrill (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Okay. What else?
...all right.
Whoever took the Squatty Potty
from the hallway bathroom,
just put that back.
Yeah, please?
No questions asked.
- Moving on. Questions?
Um, I want to get Botox.
Can I get "The Thorn"
to pay for that?
- That would be for Amadi.
I'm only entertaining creative
or existential questions.
- Can I, sir?
- Absolutely not.
- My God.
That is ruthless, Amadi.
Boo, Amadi.
Boo!
Okay.
- Boo, Amadi. Boo.
- Okay. All right.
Before we finish up,
I just want to welcome back
our very own Annie Easton.
- Yes.
Annie begged for her job back.
I said "yes," she's here,
and all is well.
- Yes, and you know,
I know I've been away
for a month,
but I hope it's like
I never left, so--
The jewel of "The Thorn"
has arrived.
Guilty as charged.
I want to say good morning
to everybody, all right?
- Good morning, my people.
- Good morning.
- I'm sorry I'm late, Gabe.
Never a problem.
Annie, this is Calendar Cody,
our current
calendars editor.
- Wow.
Nobody ever calls me
Calendar Annie.
- Well, that's because
you just list the events,
whereas Cody is an event.
- Gabe, come on.
- I'm serious.
- No!
- Okay.
Should we probably
wrap it up then?
- Yeah.
Meeting's over.
If that's okay with you, Cody.
- Yeah. Let's get to work.
- All right.
- All right.
Annie.
- Just wanted to say "hey."
- Hey.
Hello, hello.
- You did a great job
with the calendar, truly.
- I didn't have to do
much work at all.
Just overhauled
the layout a bit.
- Yeah, well, it seems like
you're killing it.
Everybody loves you.
That's really great to hear.
- You know, I live
for the scene.
I live for the night.
I live for the music.
Well, same. Same.
- Yeah.
- The night, the music,
and the scene, of course.
He's gone.
- You know, he lives
with his grandma,
and she's his best friend.
So cool.
- Yeah, well, both
my grandmas are dead,
and I miss them a lot.
So much, so...
- Keep it to yourself.
Gross.
My gosh.
It's Cody's Candy Time.
- Andy, get over here
and get some
of this chocolate.
- Hello?
- Hey.
- Yeah.
This is for you, actually.
Okay. You got it.
- Good God damn it, he's just
handing out candy bars.
- It's piñata time.
- Annie!
- Yeah. I'm just right here.
Great. Okay.
You're gonna be writing up
the city council meetings
every Friday,
plus you have the honor
of doing "The Thorn's"
Freak of the Week.
- But Freak of the Week,
isn't that more like a survey?
And-- and isn't Angus
in charge of that?
- He was in charge of it until
that woman's boa constrictor
made eye contact with him,
and now he's "scared,"
so you're in charge.
Is this gonna be a problem?
- No. No, no, no.
- Okay.
- No, no, no.
Do not worry, Gabe.
I promise that this
will be the best
Freak of the Week
you've ever seen.
- Don't sit down there.
- Okay.
- I don't want the best;
I want fine.
I want it to be the same
that it's been every week
since the beginning
of "The Thorn."
- Okay.
So then it'll be that then.
I'm not going rogue.
I'm just here to work.
- Walk-- just walk away.
Walk away.
- But I'm happy to be back.
Walk that way.
- Andy, are you asking me
if it's legal
to impregnate your sister?
- The sperm
is for my sister's wife,
but if she gets pregnant,
shouldn't I get
paternity leave?
- Can we just talk about this
if and when that happens?
- Well, it's just--
it sort of factors into
the whole decision-making--
- Andy!
- We'll put a pin in it.
- Yeah. We'll do that.
- Wow.
- First thing in the morning,
I'm already having
the jizz conversation.
Jeez.
Living the dream.
- Well, I'm a reporter again,
and you're the big boss.
I'd say we're back
and better than ever.
- Yeah.
Ever since I went
to design school,
I always dreamed of, like,
coming in
and revamping a company's
antiquated payroll system.
- Well, then maybe we should
go to lunch,
and you can vent
and scream it out.
- Yeah, honestly, Annie,
I don't even
have time for that.
I'm just, like, so busy.
I don't have time
to scream, okay?
It's just-- fuck!
No. Fuck!
- Okay.
So then I will leave you,
because it seems like what
you're doing is hard and bad,
and I'll go to my desk.
- Sh--
Annie, shit, I'm sorry.
That's not your desk anymore.
That's Calendar Cody's now.
- So then where do I sit?
- Don't worry.
You didn't plummet in my eyes
for coming back,
but you're no longer my hero,
just someone I know.
- Okay.
- You pussed out big time.
- I know.
You keep saying that.
That's the fourth time
you've said
I pussed out big time.
- I just can't stop
thinking it.
- Okay.
Thank you, Maureen.
- I was thinking about getting
a lava lamp for us,
but I didn't want you to be
scared that it was real lava.
- Yeah, I think I would know
that it's not real lava.
I think I could deduce
that from it.
- What are the chuckles about,
chuckle maniac?
- Um, my--
my boyfriend
is meeting my parents tonight
for the first time, so...
- That's a big deal.
Are you freaking?
- I mean, my dad's met him,
but my mom hasn't,
and she can be extremely
judgmental, so...
- I remember when my mom
met my boyfriend,
and now he's my stepdad.
- God!
I'm sorry.
- It's not so bad.
He's a good guy.
I took his last name.
- Is he the guy who always
picks you up from here?
- Yeah.
Cute, right?
Hi. Good afternoon.
I'm calling from
"The Weekly Thorn."
Um, I had a tip
that you were a freak.
I'm sorry.
Can you say that again?
You're a freak in the sheets
and a regional manager
in the streets?
What you keep describing,
that's--
that's The Riddler
from Batman.
So you don't do it anymore
'cause your teeth are gone.
That tracks.
I think the first thing you
gotta do is find that snake.
No, I-- I know.
A little suit covered
in question marks,
that's The Riddler
from Batman.
No, no, no.
Um, no, that's fine.
Thank you.
Thank you for trying anyway.
Thanks. Bye-bye.
Fuck.
How can I not find
a fucking freak?
This is insane.
It's my first fucking day out,
and I can't do this.
- I don't want to step
on any toes,
but I may know of a freak.
- Is it your stepdad?
- No.
He's not a freak.
I dated him.
Give it to me.
Give me sex.
Yes.
- Okay.
So Maureen tells me
that your whole cycling group
goes out like this.
- Yeah, yeah, we've done it
for six years now.
I actually met Maureen here
when I was riding
past her house
and she fell off her roof.
- I was trying
to catch a hummingbird.
Terrence, can you actually
lean into the light?
As staff photographer,
it's my responsibility
to do a body justice.
- Sure.
- Um, okay.
So typically,
we just ask for your three
freakiest details,
but I was wondering, um,
could you tell me, like,
why do you like to ride naked?
- Well, I'm a budget analyst,
and it can be very
buttoned up,
like, constrained.
You know,
there's a lot of anxiety.
But riding naked
just lets you cut away
all the overthinking.
You just have to do it.
And then I just applied that
to my entire life.
- That's really nice.
Um, I mean,
I feel nervous all the time,
but I could never do
what...you do.
- Sure, but, you know,
being nervous
is the same thing
as being excited.
It's just two different ways
of looking at it.
And this way, I get to let
my balls kiss the wind.
- Well, beautifully put.
And honestly, true.
- Now, Maureen,
do you maybe want some
where I'm getting on the bike?
Where I'm on it?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Just go slowly,
'cause I want to get you--
the process of getting on.
- No.
I think maybe
just on or off.
No-- no process, right?
- Well, there implicitly
has to be a process,
but that's all right.
- One for safety.
- Yep.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Excuse me, ma'am.
What's this gorgeous look
all about?
- I'm taking myself out
on a nice little date tonight.
- Romantic.
- Well, since I've been
not dating,
I have been using myself
for sex,
taking advantage of myself
sexually a lot.
- Okay, so that's what all
those "naps" are about?
- That's correct.
So I thought I should
at least buy myself dinner.
I mean, I haven't been alone
in so long, so tonight,
I'm just gonna get to know
myself,
only me,
no distractions.
- I love that for you.
- And you have a nasty little
hot date tonight as well?
- Well, yeah.
- Introducing the Eastons
to your wolf boy.
- Yeah. Please pray for me.
- I'm praying for you.
How do I look?
- You look like a park ranger
in a porno.
Okay.
That's kind of my deal,
though.
Putting my fires out.
- Yas.
- Have fun tonight.
- Thank you.
- I'm kind of nervous,
actually.
I don't have to call them
Mom and Dad, do I?
'Cause that'd be weird.
I guess I could call 'em
Mama and Papa.
- I mean, I was feeling nervous
earlier, too, you know,
but I think we're just nervous
because we're excited,
and it's gonna be, like,
a very special night.
It's a big step.
- Yeah.
I just want them to know
I love you.
- Yeah, well, they will.
And then we'll just
stick together,
and then all you have to do
is just tell them
about yourself.
I can do that.
I'm an expert on me.
- But we should also probably
have sex, though.
I mean, just to get the nervous
energy and excitement out.
You know what I mean?
- I don't know.
My parents are at, like,
the front of my brain
right now,
so that kind of makes me,
like, the opposite of horny.
- No, no, I totally hear you.
But the problem is you look
really hot right now,
and I'm gonna need to grab you.
Okay.
- Yeah, but we just have
to make it quick, okay?
- Ten pumps max.
- Listen, I don't know what
mesothelioma is, but I'm suing,
and I want my money, okay?
We're all getting paid, okay?
That's the coolest guy
from my work.
- He recommended this place.
- It don't feel great.
- But I'm feeling-- hey.
- Hey.
- What's up?
- Wow.
All full of nanas.
Cool.
- Hello, dear.
- Hey.
Hi.
- Annie!
You look so put together.
- Thanks.
I like your hair.
- Thank you.
It's new.
You must be Ryan.
You're very tall.
Thanks. It's genetic.
Wow.
- And it's nice
to see you again, sir.
- You, too, but please
call me Bill, all right?
I almost forgot,
I got you guys something.
These are my way of saying
thank you for creating Annie.
Wow.
My buddy works at the arena.
He gets these for free
when they have, like,
just minor rips
and stains and whatever.
- Well, that's
a very kind gesture.
Thank you.
- You know, Bill and I
don't really follow sports,
but we love these colors.
- Yeah, this is a real surprise
for all of us.
- You can put them on
or whatever, like, right now.
Okay. Sure!
- Putting them on.
It's very high quality.
- Wow. That's red.
Very cool.
Well, um, should we maybe
get some wine?
- Yes!
- No, no, no.
No bread for us.
Thank you.
- That's okay.
We can keep it.
- No, no. You know me.
If it's in front of me,
I'm gonna fill myself up on it.
No.
- Yeah.
But I want to have some,
and maybe other people
at the table
want to have some, so...
- What do you
want me to do?
- Yeah.
You can just leave it.
Thank you.
- All right, Ryan.
If you see me
reaching for that bread,
I give you permission
to slap me.
Well, I would never
hit a woman.
Yeah, we know that.
- I'm just joking.
- Thank God.
'Cause I would never.
- Hitting women
is a terrible thing.
- And we don't need to talk
about assault at dinner.
Okay.
- Hey, there.
I haven't seen you in here
in a while.
- Yes. Hello.
Just so you know, I will not
be flirting with you tonight.
- Okay.
- Previously, I have,
and I would love to again,
but I'm with myself tonight,
actually, so...
just know that you
are very hot,
and normally
I would be flirting.
- I mean, it kind of feels
like you still are.
- That's just my natural
charisma.
There's nothing I can do
about that.
So do you have anything
that can make me feel like
the only girl in the universe?
- I got you.
- Okay. Wow.
What's all this?
- A dab.
- And this is for marijuana?
- Not for crack?
Okay, that might as well
be crack.
Okay.
You have to eat that egg.
I'm not eating that egg.
You eat that egg.
- No. You do.
- You two are so cute.
How did you two meet?
Um...
well, I was working
at the hardware store,
and Annie came in,
and obviously I noticed her,
and she came up to me
and asked what a hammer does.
- Yeah, but I-- I do know
what a hammer does.
I just wanted an excuse
to talk to you.
- Hardware store?
Maybe you can grab me a new,
smoke alarm
next time you're there.
Wow.
- Or do they sell
gardening equipment?
Maybe you can get Annie
out working in the yard.
- Working in the yard?
What is that?
I don't know.
When dad and I were dating,
we used to pick cherries
on the weekends.
- Right.
- Anyway, I don't work
at the hardware store anymore,
or anywhere, really.
Here we go.
- Beautiful.
- Thank you.
- This is way
too much food.
Beautiful.
- I better zip it,
or you're gonna write
about me again.
- Um, I'm-- I'm actually
gonna go to the restroom.
- Well, he's flat,
and she's pitchy.
- Give me the book.
Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey.
You doing okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.
I-- it's just a lot,
you know?
- Yeah.
You're doing great.
- Thanks.
Well,
drop my name at the door,
and maybe you'll get
a good seat.
Wait.
You're doing my own dad jokes
back to me?
This is a new era.
- Hey,
what do you think of Ryan?
- Ryan?
He's fine.
- Fine?
- Fine.
- Okay.
Do you want to say more
than one syllable?
- Honey, I don't even know
the man.
If he makes you happy,
then I'm happy.
That's all I can say about him.
- Okay.
- All right.
I'll see you out there.
Wow.
I don't know about
dessert, guys.
This all sounds so rich.
- Yeah, but we could get one
for all of us,
and then we all have a bite.
That could be kind of fun,
right?
- Good.
- Yeah.
Just been so bad with
all the pasta and the bread.
Okay.
How have you been bad?
It's food.
Like, we're literally
just having a meal
like every other person
in this fucking restaurant.
- Hey, Annie.
- What?
I'm just saying,
everyone should be allowed
to do whatever they want,
just like you did
when you went to Vancouver.
- Okay, well, what I want
is to not have dessert.
- Okay. Great.
- I have a son in Vancouver.
I'm told not to be a part
of his life.
- So can I offer
anyone dessert?
- No.
Just the check, thank you.
- Absolutely not.
- Yeah.
Strawberry shortcake.
Um...
Unless-- yeah, probably not,
but thank you.
Nice!
That unicorn...
It's gorgeous.
That's me.
I can't let people too close
or I'll hurt them with my horn.
- That was nice of him
to give us these jackets.
I'm just worried people
are gonna mistake us
for actual NBA players.
- What was going on in there?
That got pretty tense.
- I feel like
I can't say anything to her
or she'll get upset.
I know I'm not perfect.
I'm doing the best I can.
- We know that,
but Annie's an adult now,
okay?
You have to talk to her
like an adult.
Got to trust her
to make her own decisions.
That was like
the same old dynamic
from when she was a kid.
You used to count
how many chocolate chips
she could eat in a day.
- Well, that was also
to help her
with her arithmetic.
- Come on.
- I just don't want to get
in a big fight with her.
Where do you think Ryan
got such a shiny shirt?
- The hardware store?
This was a great idea.
When we didn't order dessert,
I was like, "No!"
- Yeah, I know.
My mom is so fucking insane
about food.
I just couldn't sit there
and not say anything,
but she ruined
that entire dinner.
I'm really sorry.
That sucked.
- I didn't notice
anything weird at all.
- What?
That's literally all I noticed.
- I thought we had fun.
I like your parents a lot,
and I think they like
the jackets I gave them.
What do you think?
Did I do a good job?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I-- I think you did
a really good job.
- Cool.
Can I ask you a question?
- During sex,
you think I'll ever be able
to make you squirt?
I mean, it just seemed like
earlier, you were almost there,
and I would love to be able
to do that for you.
- Um, yeah, I don't think
that I can really
do, like,
squirt talk right now.
- Fair enough.
Whoo-hoo!
- My God.
Cool!
What is this?
Amazing.
- Hi, Annie!
Whoo-hoo!
- Annie, I'm not wearing
any socks!
I feel so free.
- You know these people?
- Well, yeah.
They're my friends.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
This is the best!
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah!
Whoo!
- Hey.
- Okay. What else?
...all right.
Whoever took the Squatty Potty
from the hallway bathroom,
just put that back.
Yeah, please?
No questions asked.
- Moving on. Questions?
Um, I want to get Botox.
Can I get "The Thorn"
to pay for that?
- That would be for Amadi.
I'm only entertaining creative
or existential questions.
- Can I, sir?
- Absolutely not.
- My God.
That is ruthless, Amadi.
Boo, Amadi.
Boo!
Okay.
- Boo, Amadi. Boo.
- Okay. All right.
Before we finish up,
I just want to welcome back
our very own Annie Easton.
- Yes.
Annie begged for her job back.
I said "yes," she's here,
and all is well.
- Yes, and you know,
I know I've been away
for a month,
but I hope it's like
I never left, so--
The jewel of "The Thorn"
has arrived.
Guilty as charged.
I want to say good morning
to everybody, all right?
- Good morning, my people.
- Good morning.
- I'm sorry I'm late, Gabe.
Never a problem.
Annie, this is Calendar Cody,
our current
calendars editor.
- Wow.
Nobody ever calls me
Calendar Annie.
- Well, that's because
you just list the events,
whereas Cody is an event.
- Gabe, come on.
- I'm serious.
- No!
- Okay.
Should we probably
wrap it up then?
- Yeah.
Meeting's over.
If that's okay with you, Cody.
- Yeah. Let's get to work.
- All right.
- All right.
Annie.
- Just wanted to say "hey."
- Hey.
Hello, hello.
- You did a great job
with the calendar, truly.
- I didn't have to do
much work at all.
Just overhauled
the layout a bit.
- Yeah, well, it seems like
you're killing it.
Everybody loves you.
That's really great to hear.
- You know, I live
for the scene.
I live for the night.
I live for the music.
Well, same. Same.
- Yeah.
- The night, the music,
and the scene, of course.
He's gone.
- You know, he lives
with his grandma,
and she's his best friend.
So cool.
- Yeah, well, both
my grandmas are dead,
and I miss them a lot.
So much, so...
- Keep it to yourself.
Gross.
My gosh.
It's Cody's Candy Time.
- Andy, get over here
and get some
of this chocolate.
- Hello?
- Hey.
- Yeah.
This is for you, actually.
Okay. You got it.
- Good God damn it, he's just
handing out candy bars.
- It's piñata time.
- Annie!
- Yeah. I'm just right here.
Great. Okay.
You're gonna be writing up
the city council meetings
every Friday,
plus you have the honor
of doing "The Thorn's"
Freak of the Week.
- But Freak of the Week,
isn't that more like a survey?
And-- and isn't Angus
in charge of that?
- He was in charge of it until
that woman's boa constrictor
made eye contact with him,
and now he's "scared,"
so you're in charge.
Is this gonna be a problem?
- No. No, no, no.
- Okay.
- No, no, no.
Do not worry, Gabe.
I promise that this
will be the best
Freak of the Week
you've ever seen.
- Don't sit down there.
- Okay.
- I don't want the best;
I want fine.
I want it to be the same
that it's been every week
since the beginning
of "The Thorn."
- Okay.
So then it'll be that then.
I'm not going rogue.
I'm just here to work.
- Walk-- just walk away.
Walk away.
- But I'm happy to be back.
Walk that way.
- Andy, are you asking me
if it's legal
to impregnate your sister?
- The sperm
is for my sister's wife,
but if she gets pregnant,
shouldn't I get
paternity leave?
- Can we just talk about this
if and when that happens?
- Well, it's just--
it sort of factors into
the whole decision-making--
- Andy!
- We'll put a pin in it.
- Yeah. We'll do that.
- Wow.
- First thing in the morning,
I'm already having
the jizz conversation.
Jeez.
Living the dream.
- Well, I'm a reporter again,
and you're the big boss.
I'd say we're back
and better than ever.
- Yeah.
Ever since I went
to design school,
I always dreamed of, like,
coming in
and revamping a company's
antiquated payroll system.
- Well, then maybe we should
go to lunch,
and you can vent
and scream it out.
- Yeah, honestly, Annie,
I don't even
have time for that.
I'm just, like, so busy.
I don't have time
to scream, okay?
It's just-- fuck!
No. Fuck!
- Okay.
So then I will leave you,
because it seems like what
you're doing is hard and bad,
and I'll go to my desk.
- Sh--
Annie, shit, I'm sorry.
That's not your desk anymore.
That's Calendar Cody's now.
- So then where do I sit?
- Don't worry.
You didn't plummet in my eyes
for coming back,
but you're no longer my hero,
just someone I know.
- Okay.
- You pussed out big time.
- I know.
You keep saying that.
That's the fourth time
you've said
I pussed out big time.
- I just can't stop
thinking it.
- Okay.
Thank you, Maureen.
- I was thinking about getting
a lava lamp for us,
but I didn't want you to be
scared that it was real lava.
- Yeah, I think I would know
that it's not real lava.
I think I could deduce
that from it.
- What are the chuckles about,
chuckle maniac?
- Um, my--
my boyfriend
is meeting my parents tonight
for the first time, so...
- That's a big deal.
Are you freaking?
- I mean, my dad's met him,
but my mom hasn't,
and she can be extremely
judgmental, so...
- I remember when my mom
met my boyfriend,
and now he's my stepdad.
- God!
I'm sorry.
- It's not so bad.
He's a good guy.
I took his last name.
- Is he the guy who always
picks you up from here?
- Yeah.
Cute, right?
Hi. Good afternoon.
I'm calling from
"The Weekly Thorn."
Um, I had a tip
that you were a freak.
I'm sorry.
Can you say that again?
You're a freak in the sheets
and a regional manager
in the streets?
What you keep describing,
that's--
that's The Riddler
from Batman.
So you don't do it anymore
'cause your teeth are gone.
That tracks.
I think the first thing you
gotta do is find that snake.
No, I-- I know.
A little suit covered
in question marks,
that's The Riddler
from Batman.
No, no, no.
Um, no, that's fine.
Thank you.
Thank you for trying anyway.
Thanks. Bye-bye.
Fuck.
How can I not find
a fucking freak?
This is insane.
It's my first fucking day out,
and I can't do this.
- I don't want to step
on any toes,
but I may know of a freak.
- Is it your stepdad?
- No.
He's not a freak.
I dated him.
Give it to me.
Give me sex.
Yes.
- Okay.
So Maureen tells me
that your whole cycling group
goes out like this.
- Yeah, yeah, we've done it
for six years now.
I actually met Maureen here
when I was riding
past her house
and she fell off her roof.
- I was trying
to catch a hummingbird.
Terrence, can you actually
lean into the light?
As staff photographer,
it's my responsibility
to do a body justice.
- Sure.
- Um, okay.
So typically,
we just ask for your three
freakiest details,
but I was wondering, um,
could you tell me, like,
why do you like to ride naked?
- Well, I'm a budget analyst,
and it can be very
buttoned up,
like, constrained.
You know,
there's a lot of anxiety.
But riding naked
just lets you cut away
all the overthinking.
You just have to do it.
And then I just applied that
to my entire life.
- That's really nice.
Um, I mean,
I feel nervous all the time,
but I could never do
what...you do.
- Sure, but, you know,
being nervous
is the same thing
as being excited.
It's just two different ways
of looking at it.
And this way, I get to let
my balls kiss the wind.
- Well, beautifully put.
And honestly, true.
- Now, Maureen,
do you maybe want some
where I'm getting on the bike?
Where I'm on it?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Just go slowly,
'cause I want to get you--
the process of getting on.
- No.
I think maybe
just on or off.
No-- no process, right?
- Well, there implicitly
has to be a process,
but that's all right.
- One for safety.
- Yep.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Excuse me, ma'am.
What's this gorgeous look
all about?
- I'm taking myself out
on a nice little date tonight.
- Romantic.
- Well, since I've been
not dating,
I have been using myself
for sex,
taking advantage of myself
sexually a lot.
- Okay, so that's what all
those "naps" are about?
- That's correct.
So I thought I should
at least buy myself dinner.
I mean, I haven't been alone
in so long, so tonight,
I'm just gonna get to know
myself,
only me,
no distractions.
- I love that for you.
- And you have a nasty little
hot date tonight as well?
- Well, yeah.
- Introducing the Eastons
to your wolf boy.
- Yeah. Please pray for me.
- I'm praying for you.
How do I look?
- You look like a park ranger
in a porno.
Okay.
That's kind of my deal,
though.
Putting my fires out.
- Yas.
- Have fun tonight.
- Thank you.
- I'm kind of nervous,
actually.
I don't have to call them
Mom and Dad, do I?
'Cause that'd be weird.
I guess I could call 'em
Mama and Papa.
- I mean, I was feeling nervous
earlier, too, you know,
but I think we're just nervous
because we're excited,
and it's gonna be, like,
a very special night.
It's a big step.
- Yeah.
I just want them to know
I love you.
- Yeah, well, they will.
And then we'll just
stick together,
and then all you have to do
is just tell them
about yourself.
I can do that.
I'm an expert on me.
- But we should also probably
have sex, though.
I mean, just to get the nervous
energy and excitement out.
You know what I mean?
- I don't know.
My parents are at, like,
the front of my brain
right now,
so that kind of makes me,
like, the opposite of horny.
- No, no, I totally hear you.
But the problem is you look
really hot right now,
and I'm gonna need to grab you.
Okay.
- Yeah, but we just have
to make it quick, okay?
- Ten pumps max.
- Listen, I don't know what
mesothelioma is, but I'm suing,
and I want my money, okay?
We're all getting paid, okay?
That's the coolest guy
from my work.
- He recommended this place.
- It don't feel great.
- But I'm feeling-- hey.
- Hey.
- What's up?
- Wow.
All full of nanas.
Cool.
- Hello, dear.
- Hey.
Hi.
- Annie!
You look so put together.
- Thanks.
I like your hair.
- Thank you.
It's new.
You must be Ryan.
You're very tall.
Thanks. It's genetic.
Wow.
- And it's nice
to see you again, sir.
- You, too, but please
call me Bill, all right?
I almost forgot,
I got you guys something.
These are my way of saying
thank you for creating Annie.
Wow.
My buddy works at the arena.
He gets these for free
when they have, like,
just minor rips
and stains and whatever.
- Well, that's
a very kind gesture.
Thank you.
- You know, Bill and I
don't really follow sports,
but we love these colors.
- Yeah, this is a real surprise
for all of us.
- You can put them on
or whatever, like, right now.
Okay. Sure!
- Putting them on.
It's very high quality.
- Wow. That's red.
Very cool.
Well, um, should we maybe
get some wine?
- Yes!
- No, no, no.
No bread for us.
Thank you.
- That's okay.
We can keep it.
- No, no. You know me.
If it's in front of me,
I'm gonna fill myself up on it.
No.
- Yeah.
But I want to have some,
and maybe other people
at the table
want to have some, so...
- What do you
want me to do?
- Yeah.
You can just leave it.
Thank you.
- All right, Ryan.
If you see me
reaching for that bread,
I give you permission
to slap me.
Well, I would never
hit a woman.
Yeah, we know that.
- I'm just joking.
- Thank God.
'Cause I would never.
- Hitting women
is a terrible thing.
- And we don't need to talk
about assault at dinner.
Okay.
- Hey, there.
I haven't seen you in here
in a while.
- Yes. Hello.
Just so you know, I will not
be flirting with you tonight.
- Okay.
- Previously, I have,
and I would love to again,
but I'm with myself tonight,
actually, so...
just know that you
are very hot,
and normally
I would be flirting.
- I mean, it kind of feels
like you still are.
- That's just my natural
charisma.
There's nothing I can do
about that.
So do you have anything
that can make me feel like
the only girl in the universe?
- I got you.
- Okay. Wow.
What's all this?
- A dab.
- And this is for marijuana?
- Not for crack?
Okay, that might as well
be crack.
Okay.
You have to eat that egg.
I'm not eating that egg.
You eat that egg.
- No. You do.
- You two are so cute.
How did you two meet?
Um...
well, I was working
at the hardware store,
and Annie came in,
and obviously I noticed her,
and she came up to me
and asked what a hammer does.
- Yeah, but I-- I do know
what a hammer does.
I just wanted an excuse
to talk to you.
- Hardware store?
Maybe you can grab me a new,
smoke alarm
next time you're there.
Wow.
- Or do they sell
gardening equipment?
Maybe you can get Annie
out working in the yard.
- Working in the yard?
What is that?
I don't know.
When dad and I were dating,
we used to pick cherries
on the weekends.
- Right.
- Anyway, I don't work
at the hardware store anymore,
or anywhere, really.
Here we go.
- Beautiful.
- Thank you.
- This is way
too much food.
Beautiful.
- I better zip it,
or you're gonna write
about me again.
- Um, I'm-- I'm actually
gonna go to the restroom.
- Well, he's flat,
and she's pitchy.
- Give me the book.
Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey.
You doing okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.
I-- it's just a lot,
you know?
- Yeah.
You're doing great.
- Thanks.
Well,
drop my name at the door,
and maybe you'll get
a good seat.
Wait.
You're doing my own dad jokes
back to me?
This is a new era.
- Hey,
what do you think of Ryan?
- Ryan?
He's fine.
- Fine?
- Fine.
- Okay.
Do you want to say more
than one syllable?
- Honey, I don't even know
the man.
If he makes you happy,
then I'm happy.
That's all I can say about him.
- Okay.
- All right.
I'll see you out there.
Wow.
I don't know about
dessert, guys.
This all sounds so rich.
- Yeah, but we could get one
for all of us,
and then we all have a bite.
That could be kind of fun,
right?
- Good.
- Yeah.
Just been so bad with
all the pasta and the bread.
Okay.
How have you been bad?
It's food.
Like, we're literally
just having a meal
like every other person
in this fucking restaurant.
- Hey, Annie.
- What?
I'm just saying,
everyone should be allowed
to do whatever they want,
just like you did
when you went to Vancouver.
- Okay, well, what I want
is to not have dessert.
- Okay. Great.
- I have a son in Vancouver.
I'm told not to be a part
of his life.
- So can I offer
anyone dessert?
- No.
Just the check, thank you.
- Absolutely not.
- Yeah.
Strawberry shortcake.
Um...
Unless-- yeah, probably not,
but thank you.
Nice!
That unicorn...
It's gorgeous.
That's me.
I can't let people too close
or I'll hurt them with my horn.
- That was nice of him
to give us these jackets.
I'm just worried people
are gonna mistake us
for actual NBA players.
- What was going on in there?
That got pretty tense.
- I feel like
I can't say anything to her
or she'll get upset.
I know I'm not perfect.
I'm doing the best I can.
- We know that,
but Annie's an adult now,
okay?
You have to talk to her
like an adult.
Got to trust her
to make her own decisions.
That was like
the same old dynamic
from when she was a kid.
You used to count
how many chocolate chips
she could eat in a day.
- Well, that was also
to help her
with her arithmetic.
- Come on.
- I just don't want to get
in a big fight with her.
Where do you think Ryan
got such a shiny shirt?
- The hardware store?
This was a great idea.
When we didn't order dessert,
I was like, "No!"
- Yeah, I know.
My mom is so fucking insane
about food.
I just couldn't sit there
and not say anything,
but she ruined
that entire dinner.
I'm really sorry.
That sucked.
- I didn't notice
anything weird at all.
- What?
That's literally all I noticed.
- I thought we had fun.
I like your parents a lot,
and I think they like
the jackets I gave them.
What do you think?
Did I do a good job?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I-- I think you did
a really good job.
- Cool.
Can I ask you a question?
- During sex,
you think I'll ever be able
to make you squirt?
I mean, it just seemed like
earlier, you were almost there,
and I would love to be able
to do that for you.
- Um, yeah, I don't think
that I can really
do, like,
squirt talk right now.
- Fair enough.
Whoo-hoo!
- My God.
Cool!
What is this?
Amazing.
- Hi, Annie!
Whoo-hoo!
- Annie, I'm not wearing
any socks!
I feel so free.
- You know these people?
- Well, yeah.
They're my friends.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
This is the best!
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah!
Whoo!