Kidding (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Episode #1.9 - full transcript

Previously on Kidding...

Pickles on Ice,

starring Mr. Pickles himself,
as played

by gold medalist
Tara Lipinski.

I want my head back.

Pickles on Ice requires
a Mr. Pickles, Jeff.

Otherwise, it's just
Tara Lipinski

ice dancing
through a fever dream.



He's some Croatian
voice actor.

Hi, Havana?

we're not getting divorced.

I promise.

This is Mr. Pickles-san.

He's gonna follow Uncle Jeff
around for a few weeks

and then bring back
what he learned to Japan.

English, eh...

mm...not amazing.

You speak English?

I'm not speaking English.

What the actual fuck?

I'm in remission.

I love you so much.

Now that I can

plan ahead, I'm sorry.

Those plans don't involve you.

It'sss all so beautiful!


Quel fromage!


Mr. Pickles... agh!

Every pain needs a name.


Excuse me.


Uh, can I buy
three chickens?

Some college kid
put it together.

We're sending
a cease-and-desist.

Quel fromage!

- Has Jeff seen this?
- We don't know.

Please get this game
taken down

before he does.
It'll upset him.

You won't like him
when he's upset.

through December eighth

at the Columbus City
Convention Center,

Tara Lipinski Visits
Pickle Barrel Falls On Ice!

Get your tickets now.


Your father loves you, Jeff,

but he's going to animate you.

Who is this?

He doesn't want to,
but he will.

He's asking all around
Eastern Europe,

where talent is cheap
and plentiful,

trying to find
a voice like yours.

Am I on the radio?

He wanted me to call
and threaten you.

I said no.
I'm your friend.

But there are hundreds
like me, Jeff.

Time's running out.
It's not too late.

Listen to your father, Jeff.

Fall in line, Jeff.

Your entire existence
is at stake!

Please, Jeff!

I learn English
from watching your show.


Listen, fucko.

Don't listen
to that other guy.

He's crazy.

I need this job.

I have a large Serbian family.

Little Ognjen needs his sarma!

Blow your fucking brains out.

I want to see
your skull fragments

bounce off
the White House windows!

Make me cartoon,
pickle man.

Make me cartoon!

Please leave me alone.

Oops, you got me!

It's all so beautiful!

What are you guys playing?

I need something from you.

I spoke to our lawyers.

They're getting it
taken down immediately.

Getting what taken down


Is the Pickles on Ice-tacular
sold out?

Because St. Joan's said that I

could take 20 of my
sick little pickle pals.

One of them, Brian,

has Landau-Kleffner syndrome.

His wish was to meet
Ms. Lipinski.

I promised I would grant it.

What happened
to my office, Jeff?

Did you do that?

Did you call
several Serbian Jeffs?

I'm worried
Vivian breaking up with you

the way she did has put you
in a particularly dark place.

A woman is gonna live!

It's a miracle.
We should be happy for her.

I know I am!

don't go to D.C. next week,

and I'll rethink turning you
into a cartoon.

You're not turning me
into a cartoon,

and I am going to D.C.,
because I

have to light
the national tree.

I don't want you on live TV.

You're in too much pain.

I stood behind that podium

months after my son died,

and nobody tried
to stop me.

I don't see why some

run-of-the-mill breakup
suddenly tips the scales.

I'm beginning to think
that last year was a mistake,

and I'm sorry,

but last year,
your eyes were soft.

Your voice was
a Mormon trumpet,

a peaceful horn.

Now you are a bagpipe

of insanity.

This is not insanity.

This is how honesty looks

when you're inside out
and upside down.


you're having a breakdown.

I'm having a breakthrough.

You know,
I've never seen you lie,

except to yourself.

I'll get the tickets
for the ice show.

I'm glad you're
coming around to it.

It'sss all so... agh!

Quel fromage!

I need to know,
did you have sexual relations

with the Japanese version
of your brother?

Mr. Pickles-san
is independently handsome.

He's your brother
with subtitles.

I would rip you a new one
if you had any asshole left.

Seriously, where do you get
this stuff?

Me, a homosexual?
I am the...

straightest dude I ever met.
Go, Buckeyes.

We had that whole
coded conversation

about pianos and clarinets!

I was talking about pianos
and clarinets.

What-what-what were you
talking about?

Your daughter saw
her piano teacher

giving you a hand job
in our driveway!

Oh, my God, who knows
what she saw?

Rex is my friend.

Sure, we garden sometimes,

but there's nothing lurid
going on between us.

You almost
came out to me, Scott!


That night in bed!

All I remember

is a night you wanted me

to name a happy child
of divorce,

so think about that

before you become
your mother.

You're gay.

You're gay.
You're gay.

You're gay, gay,
gay, gay, gay!

And my pussy needs attention.


Can I go to Pop-Pop's?

Why do you hate me?

I don't hate you...

even when I hate you.

Don't forget your promise.

Yeah, I remember.

You promised you and Dad
would always stay together.

I did say that.
I remember.



Is that what you're wearing
to the premiere?

Mommy's not coming.

No, Scott's in an...

he's in one of his moods.

I think he's depressed.

I love pussy!

Hey, it's gonna be okay.

Is it?


That's good.

Did you really think
you could commit

such a blatant infidelity

without any consequences?

I'm sorry.

I wasn't thinking.

I was selfish.

I'm a terrible person.

A child lives in this house,

We'll tell her
you're away on a trip.

Fine, you should tell her.

I'm a terrible liar.

Ohayo gozaimasu.

He needs to find
another place to sleep.

I agree.

He's overstayed his welcome.

A-and seriously,
how much longer

do you need to stay here?

It-it-it's a puppet show.

You're not learning the ways
of the freaking Jedi.

Have a nice day.

Yeah, fuck you.

God damn it.

I think we should fuck.

I cannot.
I'm sorry.

All Pickles-sans
take a vow of chastity.

This has been tradition
since the show began.

How many Pickles-sans
have there been?

I'm the second.

I think we should fuck.

I cannot.
I'm sorry.

I serve a higher
moral authority:

the children of Japan.

I think...

we should fuck!

Who wants
an autograph?

Oh, I do.
I do.

Oh, here you go, kid.
I like that sweater.

- Thank you.
- Who's next?

- I am.
- She's beautiful.

You really like watching
Ms. Lipinski, don't you, Brian?

If I stop watching,

she'll fall down.

Well, then you better not
take your eyes off her.


Hi, Mr. Pickles.

This is Principal Ward
from Will's school.

We have a bit
of a situation here.

Oh, mon dieu!

Life is meaningless.

Hey, that hurts!

Looks like someone got
a new phone.

Thank you, Will.

You can wait out here.

Can I

see the parents now,

and only the parents?

Have they found
number three yet?

There is no
number three, is there?

Why'd you do it?

To impress that girl.

You think she got the message?



There is no good way
to say this.

One of Will's chickens pecked
a cook in the genitalia.

It swelled up,
and we had

to put a special sock
around it.

Will generally doesn't
act like this.

He'll apologize.

I like Will, but he's changed.

He has new friends,

and I can't prove it, but...

I think he's smoking marijuana.

It's an epidemic.

Every family has a Will.

My brother Paul

started as a Will.

Paul owes
a lot of people money.

Paul once got so drunk
on alcohol,

he broke into a bowling alley
at night

and fried his own food
at the snack bar.

I don't think Will
is Paul yet, so...

I'm letting him off
with a warning.

Thank you for your lenience
and your candor.

The pot thing,
we take very seriously.

Why can't Will
be an asshole?


Why can't Will
be an asshole?

I'm sorry.
I like that he's

an asshole.
I don't know why.

Sometimes it's okay
to be an asshole.

Sometimes the world
needs assholes.

Paul sounds awesome.
I'd like to hang out with Paul.

Paul's living
his best life.

I don't understand.

I do.

We love our children.

We love them when they're good,

but we love them more
when they challenge us.

When children misbehave,

they're reminding us

of how much
we must love them

if we're still willing
to tuck them in at night.

When Will acts out,

it reminds her
of his deceased brother.

I think we should suspend him.

I'm sorry, I have to go.

What happened?

You're suspended.

Now let's go get
some hotcakes.


All of us?

Did you want
me to join,

or are you guys...
just want family time?

Um, I think

just the family,

if that's okay.

Principal Ward,

I found
the number three chicken.

Good work, Barnaby.

let's get out of here.

Jeff's left.
I don't think he's coming back.

Put on the Pickles.

No, I'm sorry.

I promised him
I would be myself

and only myself.

I've sunk my reputation

and a considerable chunk
of my 401

into this endeavor.

The people need
the Pickles.

The puppets need to find
Mr. Pickles,

or the ice narrative
has no ending.

Listen to reason.

You're beautiful
just the way you are.

Shut up!

That's our new parakeet,

Uh, she talks too much,

uh, kind of like me.

I don't think
I've ever seen you talk.

Uh, well,

I only try to talk
during meals

because it-it
keeps me from eating.

It's a diet I made up.

Shut up, skinny bitch.

I tell you what,
Tara's sister.


Actually, Sarah.

I go by Sarah now.

I don't care
what it rhymes with.

How would you like
your turn in the limelight...


It's that time,
pickle pals.

Astronotter, Ennui Le Triste,
The Oops,

and all their friends
invite you to take

the hand of the loved one
sitting next to you

and brace yourselves
for a trip down

Pickle Barrel Falls.

Disaster! Monsieur Pickles
has gone missing!

Without him,
we cannot survive.


with the help
of Tara Lipinski,

we can locate him.

Did you and Grandma
ever fight?

Oh, all the time.

She cheated on me.
Then I cheated on her.

Then we got a divorce.

She took the cat. Hmm.

She got in a car
to go visit her sister

for a few weeks.

Nine days later,
the cat came back,

but we never saw
Grandma again.

Anyway, don't worry.

My wife had
severe mental issues,

not like your mother.

- No, no, no!
- Yes! Yes!

No, no!
stop, stop, stop, stop!

- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Stop, stop!

Yes, damn it! Yes!

Are you okay?

I'm sorry. I thought we were
both enjoying it.

Did I break it?

Here you are.

Mr. Pickles,
please, enjoy.

- Thank you so much.
- Thanks.

We will.

Have we eaten here before?

I don't think so.

Am I in trouble?

We're not angry.

Why not?

We just like pancakes more

than we could ever
be angry at you.

When will your divorce
be official?

Sometime down the road.

Is it a long road?

I don't know.

Do you want to see
a magic trick?

- Yes.
- Oh, you bet.

First, I need to pee.

Oh, yeah, keep us

on the edge of our seat much?

If we eat real quick,

we can catch the end
of Pickles on Ice.


It's a super show,

now that I made some changes
and stuff.

I'm thinking of asking Peter
to move in.


They say time and space
are both immutable,

governed by laws
that cannot be broken.

All I have to say
to that is...

How are you doing that?

...laws were meant
to be broken.

Seriously, how are you
doing that?

Doing what?


A magician never reveals
his secrets.

And that's why they call me...

...the amazing Pickle-ini!

You're hurting my arm!

That boy
has every reason to ask

for everything
and doesn't.

You have no reason
to ask for anything,

and you can't keep
your mouth shut.

Learn how to keep
your mouth shut.

You hear me?


Are you okay?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

I'm fine.


Good trick, Will.

Quel fromage.

We will never find
Monsieur Pickles, Tara.

Don't worry, Ennui.

Mr. Pickles made a promise,

and when Mr. Pickles
makes a promise,

Mr. Pickles keeps
his promise.

Go, Tara, go!

Tara, I love you!


It is Monsieur Pickles!

We are saved!

That's right,
it's me, Mr. Pickles!


I'm sorry, but the show

just didn't make sense
without you.

You promised.

You promised!

Gosh darn it.

Okay, Sarah,
you can do this.

I believe in you.



- Awesome!
- Tara!

It was an accident!

It was
an accident!

It's all my fault.

I looked away!

There's something wrong,