Kidding (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Episode #1.10 - full transcript

Previously on Kidding...

And I think that's appropriate,

because it reminds us...

I wanna do a show about death.

You do a show about death,

children will run from
the room in tears.

So what do you think?

It's perfect.

I'll take it.

What do you want to say?

Allahu Akbar!

Allahu Akbar?

Stop talking. We get it.

You always know what to say.

Sometimes I don't want you to talk.

I want you to listen.

I'm gonna call you Big P.

What can I call you?

Jeff Pickles.

Olympic gold medalist Ms. Tara Lipinski.

Will's smoking reefer

like a jazz musician.

Teaching Will a magic trick

isn't gonna get him to stop smoking pot.

The National Tree Lighting.

That'll be, what, 10
million people watching?

Oh, fuck.

How did December get here so quickly?

You are a bagpipe of insanity.

This is not insanity.

This is how honesty looks

when you're inside out and upside down.

Saying yes to drugs

is the biggest oops you can make.

Get between your kids and drugs.

It doesn't matter how

if you want to save your child's life.



Live from President's Park

in the heart of the nation's capital,

it's America's Christmas
Tree Lighting 2018.

This year, we celebrate
the festive season

in a time-honored holiday tradition

featuring performances
from Trisha Yearwood,

Wynonna Judd, The Texas Tenors,

with Kathie Lee Gifford and Dean Cain.

Please welcome our
host, Mr. Jeff Pickles.

Your parents don't deserve you.

If they did, you wouldn't
be able to walk from

Los Angeles to Beijing on a
bridge of floating plastic.

What's left to drink when the water

has too much lead in it?

The orange juice has too much sugar.

They put so many hormones in the milk,

girls are spending their
eighth birthday with Aunt Flo.

They want me to put Soap
Scum on a tampon box.

They want Ennui hawking antidepressants.


You are the product of narcissism.

Your parents look at you
and see their own death.

They either expect more of
you than you can give them

or, worse, nothing at all.

Statistically, they hate each other.


They use you to fix their flaws.

They want you to read
the books they won't.

You are the caviar of a trout.

Caviar of a trout.

Your parents will always love you enough

to pretend they love you.

That's why they buy you dolls,

so you can practice pretending too.

Repeat after me. Every
pain needs a name.

Every pain needs a name.

Good, that's very good. Green means go.

- Green means go.
- Good.

Good. Now say, "I love you, Daddy."

- Why?
- Just say it.

- I love you, Daddy.
- Thank you.

Your parents are failing you.

Mine did, and yours do.

Every day.

I know this because
they leave you with me.

Don't believe me?

Next time you're watching my show,

call out for your mom or your dad.

Do they respond?


Of course not.

They're avoiding you.


Your mom is chasing down
a handful of Klonopin

- with a Diet Dr Pepper.
- Mom?

And Dad is out there drinking

from the bottles that empty him.


Hypothetically if I-I have an account

that he doesn't know about

with hundreds of thousands of dollars

that was supposed to go to charity,

what happens to that, um,
money in the divorce?

I see, yeah.

I like you,

the friends who visit me on television.

But I'm not your father.

And I shouldn't be.

I killed my son.


Please don't use a bad
word when you can...

I didn't listen to him.

So he didn't listen to me.

Turns out, I was a pretty good
talker but a terrible listener.

Why didn't I listen?

Because I can be selfish too.

If I had really listened to him,

I would have heard my own
flaws, my own anger.

For me to address his flaws,

I would have had to admit to my own.

If I had listened to him,

maybe he would have listened to me.

Maybe he would have done his homework.

Maybe he would have put on a seat belt.

Now it's almost Christmas. Again.

And in that spirit,

I want you to go to where
your parents hide things.

Sometimes it's a special drawer

or the linen closet.

All children know where this is.

It's where your parents
hide your presents.

I want you to open them early.

It's all right.

I say it's okay.

I don't wanna fail you anymore.

Did you get a talking Mr. Pickles?

Go ahead. Pull the string.

I'm listening. I'm listening.

I'm listening. I'm listening.

What did you get me for Christmas?

Maddy. Maddy!


I'm listening.

And, Jill, if you're listening,

I'm sorry.

I will always love you.


Allahu Akbar!

We're gonna be fine.

We'll air whatever's left on the shelf,

but then I-I don't know.

I like to call this
an indefinite hiatus.

But if I'm PBS talking... and I am...

I'd be lying if I said I saw

the show coming back from this,

animated or not.

I see.

Look, we all know Jeff

hasn't been the same
since the car accident.

Maybe this is for the best.

You there, Seb?

Hello, hi. Fuck you.

You don't get to say that about my son.

Could I let you in on
something that's bugged me

for 30 years?


I've always understood how I get down

to Pickle Barrel Falls.

I get in a pickle barrel,

go over the falls, a parachute deploys.

What I've never understood is,

how do I get back up?

There's no way back up.

Yeah. I don't know.

I never thought about that.

Derrell, do you think
what I did was wrong?


I need help.

I don't know how to help you.

Yes, you do. You help by loving me.

I don't know how to love anyone.

You love Maddy. You love Scott.

- I'm leaving Scott.
- What?

I'm giving Maddy a
divorce for Christmas.

I'm gonna tell her tonight.
Maybe I'll bake brownies.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

No, it's my fault.

I don't know who I am.

Somehow I know who
everyone is except me.

You think I'm going insane?

You know how I make a new puppet?

I start with someone I know,

and then, uh,

I search for their essence.

I look them in the eye,

and I'm thinking to myself,

"Who are you, really?

Are you someone who likes secrets?"

- Are you...
- What?

"Are you someone's opposite?"

They say time and space
are both immutable,

governed by laws that cannot be broken.

All I have to say to that is,

laws were meant to be broken.

And that's why they call me...

the amazing Pickle-ini!

"At the end of the day,
what's your purpose, huh?

Are you somebody's heart?"

I'm sorry if my actions
hurt you in any way.

Hey, I found my next relationship

in a hospital hallway, so
maybe I led by example.

"Are you an old soul?"

"Are you the voice of God?"

The general populace doesn't
see you as a sexual being.

We see Mr. Potato Head.
No one sees a man.

Thanks, Dad.

But I am a man.

I am.

Just a different kind.

So who am I, Dee?

Ennui the Sad

or Sy the Happy Fly?

You know who you are.

Um, there's some kid here to see Jeff.

She just wandered in
here without a parent.


What can I do for you?

I'm listening.

I'm always here to listen.

After T-ball, no one
was there to get me.

So when the coach dropped me off,

Mom and Dad were both home
without any pants on.

Oh. Did that make you sad?

- Mm-hmm.
- Hmm.

It's gonna be okay.

Where are you going?

To see Dad.

You're spending the night there tonight.

Hey, get in line.

Thank you.

You talk.

I'll listen.

I had a son named Phil.

He was once your age.

He died.

So we put him in a box,

and we buried him.

♪ What does it mean to lose a thing ♪

♪ You really want to stay? ♪

♪ What if they sent
your favorite socks ♪

♪ A million blocks away? ♪

♪ If you knew they were
warming someone else's feet ♪

- ♪ Hooray ♪
- Hooray.


♪ Nothing you really love ♪

♪ Can ever ♪

♪ Go away ♪


- Hi, it's me.
- I know. I know.

Sorry Will didn't make it over

to your place last night.

He says he's not feeling well,

but I think it's girl problems.

Oh, well, he's gonna have
to get used to that.

He's a heartbreaker.

It was a beautiful song.

You saw that?

I always felt you were
ashamed of Phil's death

because you never talked
about it in public.

You could hide behind the
show and never deal with it.

I know.

For what it's worth, it felt like

you stopped hiding today.

I didn't think you
still watched the show.

I do sometimes.


I kinda got it.

I like that you visit me

when I don't know you're visiting me.

I know I made this whole
thing about setting

rules and boundaries,
but I want you to know

that you can come by the
house whenever you like.


- If you want.
- We could go for a walk.

- Sure.
- Maybe we could

see a baseball game together.

It's the middle of winter.

No, I don't mean tonight.

I just mean someday.


- That was a strike.
- Oh, good.

- Hello?
- I'm here.


I thought you, uh, nodded off.

So what's the plural of clitoris?


Baruch atah Adonai.

Baruch atah Adonai.

Eloheinu melech haolam.

Eloheinu melech haolam.


What's up?

Are we friends?

Uh, we're your only friends.

He wasn't talking to you.

Sometimes I don't feel like myself

and I do stuff I'm not proud of.

Is he talking about the chickens?


I'm sorry I was stupid.

I'm sorry I was your first
kiss and I was stupid.

You weren't my first kiss.

Oh. You were mine.


Come to bed.

Jeff's coming over for a bit, I think.

Drink! Drink! Drink!

Oh, come on!

Who's this asshole new
neighbor of yours?

I don't know.

Ah, there's not enough
Ambien in the world.


I have a 4 a.m. shift.

- I'll call the police.
- Mm.


I can be...

polite but firm.

What's up, dude?



Anybody actually live here?

Hey, I think this old guy will know.

Yo, dude,

what do you call more than one clitoris?

A medical condition.

Oh, that is fucked up.

Not you guys.

You guys, I never saw.

Hey, turn down the music, okay?


Hey, hey, you!

God, you. I need to talk to you.

Hey there, Big P.

Jill and I are just going for a walk.

Why are your clothes in that house?


Did you move in next door?

I didn't... move in.

- Please don't tell her.
- You're hurting her.

You're... I'm sorry, it's not my place

to say any of this.

She loves you, all right?

You love her.

That's great. But the
more that you love her,

the more you are hurting her.

'Cause you can't rebuild
this. It's impossible.

Please stop asking her to try.

I'm sorry. You're right.

God, you're right. I'm sorry.

I like you. I don't wanna be the bad guy

that tears your family apart.

You're not.

You're the opposite of
everything I wanted you to be.

You're smart and charming

and clearly you do push-ups sometimes.

Not really. My-my
father was big-chested,

and... you know.

When Jill and I had our falling-out...

... my biggest fear was that
I'd have to watch another man

raise my child.

And now that that moment has come,

I'm relieved...

... because... that other man is you.

You're terrific.

You really are.

Inside and out.

Well, that's the most wonderful
thing anyone's ever said to me.

I hope I didn't overstep.

No, it's... I...

Thank you, bud. Thank
you for saying that.

The P in Big P used
to stand for "pussy,"

but now it stands for "Peter."

Don't worry about it.

I'll tell Jill about the house.

I'll apologize.

We'll work through this together.




Thanks for trusting me with Will.

Hey, do you wanna smoke a joint?

You mean marijuana?

Make you feel good.

I should go home.

- Night.
- Good night.


♪ You can feel anything at all ♪

♪ Anything at all, it's fine ♪

♪ It's you who's doing the feeling ♪

♪ And that makes it okay ♪

♪ And if you don't
know who you are yet ♪

♪ You can feel anyway ♪

♪ You can feel feelings you don't know ♪

♪ Feelings gotta grow, like feet ♪

♪ So feel it ♪

♪ And you can ♪

♪ Heal it ♪

♪ Isn't growing up ♪

♪ Funny ♪

♪ And sweet? ♪