Kidding (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Cleanest Liver in Columbus, Ohio - full transcript

Jeff realizes that if he can tell a lie for the first time in his life he'll get everything he's ever wanted. Season premiere

Previously on Kidding...

Our next guest
is celebrating

his 30th anniversary
in children's television.

I had a son named Phil.

He died.

Will, we're finally
getting new neighbors.

If Jill finds out you bought
the house next to her,

she'll take Will and leave.

I saw Jill
hugging another man.

You mean fucking.

Please don't use a bad word
when you can use a good word.

Are you and Dad
getting divorced?

Why would you ask me that?

I think Scott might be gay.

I need to know,
did you have sexual relations

with the Japanese version
of your brother?

I want you to know
that you can

come by the house
whenever you like.

We could go for a walk.

Will's smoking reefer
like a jazz musician.

You are breaking your father's
heart with this shit.

I have a tremendous
amount of pent-up anger.

And I know I dress
like a Mormon

and I talk like a monk,

but inside,
I'm Mount St. Helens

and it's 1980 and I am magma
from the neck down.

for trusting me with Will.

You wanna smoke a joint?

Do you think
your dad's gonna kill

- your mom's new boyfriend?
- No.

That wouldn't be nice.

As long as I've known
the both of you,

I have enjoyed watching

your shared and selfless
language of kindness.

Yours is a chemistry

built on the mutual love
of love itself

and the knowledge

that each of you contains
the inner strength

to tackle every challenge


To borrow a tradition
I admire from another faith...

May your love last
as long as it takes

to put this glass
back together.

This part always felt
a little violent

for holy matrimony.

You have it in you.

I know it.

Go on, Jeff, smash it.

I love you...

Jill Piccirillo.

Gosh, I hope so,

after all that buildup.



Mr. Pickles,
this is Bobby Belongo

with the South Bend chapter
of the Pickles Platoon.

I've got a bunch
of rowdy Pickle Pals here

who wanted to serenade you
on Christmas Eve.

My goodness...

what talent.

And this is Danny.

Danny earned the most
pickle points this year,

and as a reward, he gets
to wish you good yule tidings

all by himself.

Merry Christmas,
Mr. Pickles.

Merry Christmas, Danny.

Have you been
a good boy this year?

He was on drugs.


- Peter.
- Peter.

I'll call 911.

He's unresponsive.

Cervical spine's intact.

Multiple traumas to the chest
and abdomen... tell them!

How many traumas
is multiple traumas?

- Are you okay?
- You talking to me?

Jeff, you were
in a car accident.

Are you hurt?

Thank you for asking.

Please stay
on the line.

Calls are answered in
the order they are received.

It's Christmas Eve.
You'll never get through.

- Is he dead?
- We need to put him

- on some kind of stretcher.
- This my fault.

- I did this.
- He took an Ambien.

Who knows what he was

He probably walked
right in front of you

and didn't even
realize it.

Jeff, Jeff! Jeff!

If he's not
on an operating table

in 20 minutes,
he is going to bleed out.

I need you.

Help me.

Is my toboggan
still in the garage?

I think we should
see other people.

What else does he need?

He needs you to drive
as fast as humanly possible!

Don't do drugs!

Hold on, Pete.
We're gonna get ya help!

Yeah, yeah...


Oh, it's just Santa!

- It's just Santa!
- Okay.

- Oh!
- Um, uh, hold on.

Just kick it!

Kick it!

I'm gonna
call out the road,

and you're gonna repeat it
back, okay?

- Okay.
- Sharp left!

Sharp left. Ah!

- Gimme your hand!
- Huh?

Gimme your hand.
Gimme your hand.

Huh? What?

Keep your fingers
gently on his neck.

I need you to register
his pulse

so I can keep putting
pressure on the bleeding.

- Pothole!
- Pothole! Ow!

If you don't feel a pulse,

I need you to pull over
so I can perform CPR!

We're almost there.
Changing lanes!

- Changing back!
- Changing back!

Fuck this fucking light!

What the fuck is up
with this fucking light?

Hold on!

Get me to the hospital.
Get me to the hospital.

Get me to the hospital!

I'm gonna call out the road,

and you're gonna
repeat it back to me.

- Mm.
- Right turn.

- Right turn.
- I can't hear you.

Right turn!


The twins are giving
me the-the hiccups.

You're doin' great...


Please drive faster!


Oh... if Astronotter
were here,

he'd tell you
you need to take

a calming-down breath.

No, he'd say,
"Me-me-meep, me-me-meep."

Help us, please!

We need help!

Weak pulse, internal bleeding.
He was on Ambien and pot.

- He walked into traffic.
- Copy. Trauma one.

Code blue!

So what your dad
is trying to say is...

When two heterosexual people

reach a point
in their relationship...

Did you get me everything
on my Christmas list?

- Pretty much.
- Almost, yeah.

- Cool.
- A point in their relationship

when, uh, things
are no longer feasible...

What's "feasible"?

It's a Japanese word
for "exciting."

Hey, whatever happened
to Mr. Pickles-san?

He went home.

He's probably
in Guantanamo Bay.

What's that?

It's what your mom
calls our bedroom.


When a marriage
is no longer feasible,

a mutual decision is made...

Well, 60-40,
if we're gonna be honest.


I think I killed Peter.

I gotta go.

We're getting a divorce.

Can I open
another present?

Here, open this one.

Can I talk to you
in the kitchen, please?

Don't throw it in the house.

I love you, ax.

So then
you tried to kill him?

I didn't try to kill him.

I tried to hit him
with my car.

Did anybody see you?

What did I do?

You got between your kid
and drugs any way you could.

When Jill comes back,
I'm gonna tell her everything.

- Why would you do that?
- I think I'll feel better

- if she knew.
- No, no.

You need to lie right now.

Under no circumstances

should you tell her
what you did.

Or anyone.

I'm sorry.
I don't know how to lie.

Think of it as a secret.

You're good at keeping secrets.

- Hmm.
- Besides, if Peter dies,

there's no point
in confessing.

Plus... she'll be single
again, so that's good.

If I can't
be honest with her, who am I?

I'm gonna tell her
about buying the house too.

If you tell her what you did,
you will lose her.

You'll lose Will.
You'll lose everything.

There is nothing
after that.

Thank you
for listening to me.

I'm gonna go find Jill.


Did you see the way

he lowered that body
into the trunk

like he'd been doing it
his whole life?

Like he was a sniper
during the Lesbianic Wars.

I hate him!

How long do you think

that he's been living
in that house,

stalking his prey?

How close were you?

We were on the bed.

- Was there tongue?
- I told her I loved her.

I touched her boob.

And then my dad killed a guy!


Wait, why'd you tell her
you loved her?

Are you not supposed to?

Seems extreme.

Whatever. My mom is going
to punch him in the dick

when I tell her that his shit
was in the closet next door!

He's a straight-up

I bet he pickles
their bodies,

then serves them on a plate
next to giant sandwiches.

Who would eat
a pickled person?

Horses, man.


Fuckin' sharks
of the prairie, yo.

I don't understand.

What is the fucking delay?

I'm sorry, we can't
get him into surgery

until the anesthesiologist
on call arrives.

We paged him,
but he's not responding.

Peter is the anesthesiologist
on call.

I'll find the surgeon.



I need to tell you
a few things.

I have to call his family.

I've never met his family!

Do you know that Peter
is a lapsed Mormon?

He has, like, a dozen siblings,

and they're all
flight attendants

who work
for the same airline.

He doesn't speak
to his parents!

Now I have to call his Mormon
mother on Jesus' birthday!

In the same sentence,
I have to introduce myself

and give her the worst
news of her life!

I can call his parents.

I'm sorry
this happened to you.

I'm sorry he wandered
into traffic

and ruined your Christmas.

Christmas isn't over yet.

What did you wanna tell me?

I'll tell you later.

I'm drunk.

Jeff, Jill.

Hi, I'm Dr. Hernandez.

Uh, sorry I'm not in uniform.

I wasn't supposed
to be working tonight.

Peter is in
critical condition

but stable at this moment.

He's breathing
on his own.

He did lose
a lot of blood, though.

I'm a universal donor.
Just say the word.

Thank you,
but we're not there yet.

We'll know more
in the morning.

For now, I think
the best thing to do

is to go home
and get some sleep.

- I'll call you personally.
- Thank you, Doctor.

Hopefully he'll be up
and talking by then.


Let me take you home.


And you...






Do you know
that house next door?

It's, uh, same as ours,
only backwards and empty.

When it was f-for sale...

Would you mind
staying here...

with us tonight?

Good night.



Mrs. Zeckhauser, uh..., you don't know me,

I'm your son Peter's, um...


Ho, ho, ho.

Here... comes...

Santa Claus.

wake the other one up,

and let's see
if they'll harmonize.

I am listening.

I am listening.

Are you...
looking for me?

No one left a plate
of cookies for Santa.



did you tell your mom

about me buying
the house next door?

Why did you buy it?

At the time,
it seemed like...

a romantic gesture,

to be closer to you guys.

Because I love you guys.

That's why I've done...

everything I've done.

Were you ever a sniper
in Lebanon... under Reagan?

I would have been 16.

Didn't answer the question.

Shit, that's molten lava.

You okay?
Please don't use a bad word...


Only use a bad word
when no good word will do.

I'm not gonna tell Mom
what you did.

I will.

It's important
to be honest.

I like seeing you two together

more than I like
seeing you apart.

Fire in the hole!

♪ At your homecomin'
and that merry...

What do you think?

Breakfast first...
or presents?

I don't know.

I'm gonna call the hospital
and check in.

But after that?

I'm not sure we have time.

There's always time
for Christmas.

I didn't really have time
to go shopping last night,

so you're mostly getting things
I found around the house.

This is for you.

It's a lamp.

Ah, yes, this must have
really set you back.

Bulbs too!
Big spender.

Wait'll you see
what I got for you.

Is it a bicycle?

Did you peek?


Was it the hospital?

Ma'am, your son suffered

blunt-force trauma
to the lower abdomen,

in a hepatic hemorrhage.

His liver's bleeding.
They can't stop it.

Please let
the doctor talk.

She's not family.

She's right.

He needs a new liver
within two days,

or it will fail,

and then there's nothing
we can do.

- What about a donor?
- That's the next ask.

We could try a donor list,

but I'm afraid that won't work
with our time frame.

Peter's best hope
is in this room.

If you're a match
and wish to donate

a healthy portion
of your liver,

the risks are there,
but it's, uh...

well, it's the only thing
to do.

What constitutes a match?

We'll take you into a room,
ask you some questions.

You'll need to have
the same blood type

or be a universal donor.

- I'll volunteer.
- Me too.

You'll need relatively
the same body type and build.

Same gender is a big plus.


Looks like I fit the bill.

- Oh, thank you, Bart.
- It's not an issue, Mom.

Jesus said to His disciples,
"When you give," not if.

That's a very noble thing
you're doing.

To think his first words
to you after 15 years

will be "thank you."

I don't give for man's praise.
I give for God's.

Oh, and you cannot have had

an alcoholic beverage
in the last 72 hours.

So if you'll follow me,
we'll sign some papers

and get started.

Uh... I can't.

Every year
after you go to bed,

Father plies us with a bottle
of Hungarian pálinka.

We drink every drop.

We bury the empty bottles
in the pet cemetery.

Well, now your brother's
gonna die.

Lillian, I'm sure there's
another viable candidate.

- Why are you still here?
- Dad, what's pálinka?



I think we dropped a hat.

Do you see it,
a little blue and pink hat?

Just leave the wheelchair
on the curb.

Like a grocery cart.

Someone will come get it.

Let's go home... Dad

If you move him
to another hospital,

he's still going
to need a liver.

Aren't you still married?

My husband and I
are separated.

And isn't he also Mormon?

Common misconception.


may I please speak
to the two of you?

Is everything okay?


...didn't walk into traffic.



...fucked up.

By the way,

we are really huge fans
of your show.

Before we can determine

your viability as a donor,

I need to ask you
a few questions.

Why do you want
to do this?

Because it's important
to do the right thing.

- Are you a smoker?
- No.

Do you take
recreational drugs?

- No.
- Not even pot?


Ah. Ha.

And... when was the last time
you had a drink?

June 21, 2003.

That's amazing.

How do you know
the exact date?

It was the day I was married.

We're going to perform
some additional tests

to confirm a match...

...and get you into surgery

as soon as possible.


Mr. Pickles,

this is
Lovetenant Dale Nukem

from the Austin, Texas,

of the Pickles Platoon.

We wanted to wish you
a happy holiday season

and a festive New Year.

Oh, my...

what talent!

And this is Noah.

Noah earned the most
pickle points this year

and gets to wish you a happy
holidays all by himself.

Happy holidays,
Mr. Pickles.

Happy holidays, Noah.

Have you been a good boy
this year?

Have you been
a good boy this year?