Kidding (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Bye, Mom - full transcript

Previously on Kidding...

Go, go, go!

I found out
what the P in P-Hound" stands for.

Now every time I see the letter P NI think of the word "pussy."

We are losing control of him.

We need versions of him we can control.

This is the drawer of letters from women.

This one's from Akron.
You know, it's only two hours away.

Give her a call. Buy her some cheesecake.


In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.



This job is hard

This job's the easiest shit I've done
my whole fucking life.

No, pickles make me sad now.

I see pickles,
I see that dead Pickle boy on the road.

I see his family suffering.

I see pickles, I see tears.

Why you fucking do that?

Now I see it, too.

Fuck, Sheila. Ruining pickles and shit.

Fuck you, Sheila.


Thank you for a lovely evening.

- Why do you feel guilty?
- I like you. I like Vivian.

I don't like having feelings
for two people.

- It's selfish.
- Don't feel bad.

I don't feel bad. I feel incredible.

I feel like
I've discovered the South Pole.

I don't want you to feel bad.

I don't want to hurt you.



Well, I think it's great, too.

Just the other night,
I was thinking to myself,

"Are there any ladies that I know
who would be a good match for Jeff?"

And, literally, nobody came to mind.

- Thanks, Giant Now every time.
- I thought it was Big Now every time.

- V\Ias it?
- I'm not hurt. I'm not upset.

I'm offering you many...

...blessings and much good luck here

on your new relationship.

- But don't worry, it's just temporary.
- It doesn't have to be temporary.

It does.

What does that mean?

Hello? Rex?

I have a piano question.

I see your car!

Are you gonna put it
under your pillow this time

or hide it from the Tooth Fairy?

I don't hide them.

I lose them sometimes.


Hey, Dad.

I lost my tooth in my breakfast panini.

I'm not going to work today.
I have the flu.

- It really sucks.
- Where does it hurt?

Ugh, all over my body.
I-l need to go to bed.

I need fluids.

I can't go to work today or tomorrow,
maybe ever.

I do not want
to be a corporate travel agent.

Why am I a corporate travel agent?

- Are you crying?
- It's the flu.

I'll make soup.

Actually, people are saying
yogurt is the new soup.

♪ I'll put up no resistance I

♪ I wanna stay the distance I

♪ I've got an itch to scratch A'

♪ I need assistance ♪

♪ Touch this» A'

I'm waiting for a text message.


♪ I wanna be dirty ♪

How much longer do you think we have?

- As a species?
- Mm ...

Until the roof caves in.

Till there's no this anymore.

Until Jeff can't function
as host or human.

It all depends on him. Could be weeks.

It could be months.
I can't predict the future,

and I'm not good at guessing
weight from a distance,

but if you get close to him,

you can hear the air hissing
out of the balloon.

- And what do I do, then?
- You're gonna be home alone all day


that screaming banshee child.

And let's face it,

that marriage that has always had one foot
on a pile of red ants.

Fuck you, red ants!
Scott's the love of my life.

And Maddy , she lost a tooth this morning,

and I was like,
"Put it under your pillow,"

And I cannot wait to get home later

and find her tooth under her pillow.

Everybody wants to feel
like they're a good parent.


Do me a favor
and picture your brother as a mascot

to your favorite
Chinese softball team, huh?

Would he look like this?

That's traumatizing.

- He has a dick nose.
- Yeah.

It's Jeff's head for the Ice Capades .
I outsourced it to Vietnam.

It's shitty. You can do better.

I can't replace Jeff with a Styrofoam head

and then look him in the eye
over Osso Buco .

Welcome to the world
of exciting internal conflict.

Build me a Jeff, please.

I know this is gonna come
as a surprise to you,

but I'm not gonna be around much longer.
My father died at 68.

I'm on borrowed time.
I'd like all this to be yours someday.

- Since when?
- If not you, who?

But if we want to keep this shop open,
first, we need to build another Jeff,

on RX?“

The original is out to sea.

I don't want to hurt anyone.


Jill, Will... Anyone..

I mean, this, for example.

What if a kid watched this,

put a barrel on,
attached a bed sheet to it,

and tried to parachute over Niagara Falls?

Chances would not be good.

We've been using
that same visually arresting sequence

to transition you from the real world
to Pickle Barrel Falls for 30 years.

And no child has ever tried this?

- I promise you, we would've heard.
- Hmm.

- Why are you questioning this now?
- Shaina , from Akron.

We shared the cheesecake.

A moment from this show saved her life.

If that's true, one moment from this show
could take a life, if we're not careful.

It's a puppet show.
It's not a cursed monkey paw.

- Do I have texts?
- I don't know.

That's a cell phone
that uses AA batteries.

You want to change something?
Upgrade your gizmos.

How'd things go with Shaina from Akron?

- We didn't really connect.
- Oh, that's too bad.

I met someone else, though.

Really? On the same night?

- Her name is Vivian.
- I love that name. She sounds gorgeous.

- Now tell me about her.
- She's younger than me.

That's fine, as long as she's not selling
Do-Si-Dos outside the Kroger.

- She has a lovely smile.
- Aw, terrific.

And the doctors give her about six weeks.


- Where you off to, Jimmy?
- Pickle Barrel Falls.

- Okay, honey, have fun.
- Bye, Mom.

Here we go!

What are you trying to do,
Ennui La Triste ?

Because my tongue is cheese,
I cannot whistle!

Que! fromage .

Come on, you stale breadstick .
Whistling is easy.

Never mind.

Ennui, in my experience,
everyone has a little tune in their heart.

And if you listen closely,
it always finds a way out.



And then I loved her in the pussy.

- Wow.
- I know.

I tried texting her,
but there's no response.

Didn't you say she was terminally ill?

Well, that's just the opinion
of three doctors.

Her attitude would suggest
an entirely different prognosis.

But what do I know? I'm not three doctors.

What can you do, Jeff?

I hate to think that last night
didn't mean anything to her.

Maybe your phone's broken.
That's why she hasn't responded.

- Did you think of that?
- That's it.

- You're probably right.
- Mm-hmm.

Ah, what a dopey-dope!


$11. .

You asked when it all ends.

- Six weeks.

When the cancer lady
he's falling for bites it,

that's when he pops.

Not a lot of time,
but we can get the ice show on its feet

and rush the doll for Christmas.

Will. You back here?

I could use some technical support.

Whoa, it's you.

- Your pineapple is smoking.
- Yeah, I call it "The Mind-dozer ".

It's practically made
the apple bong obsolete.

Plus, when you're done,
you can chop it up and eat it,

get you manganese.

- Have you seen my son?
- Just because I've seen him in a place

doesn't mean he's actually
in that place, you know?

Meaning, he could've left that place.

Well, could you point
to where you saw him last?

Narc-ing on an acquaintance
would violate every principle I hold dear.

Hey, is it true you killed
a bunch of Lebanese people

when you were a sniper for the CIA?

What did you say?

The Dark Web knows all secrets, man.

You shouldn't believe
every rumor you read.

Truth is,

I wouldn't know
the first thing about... lining up

an innocent man's peach pit
from 1,000 yards out...

pink misting him
through his kitchen window.

I've never been to Lebanon or Iran,

never known the thrill of sipping
the Shah's contraband tequila

from the cold navel of my hundredth kill.

Nor can I appreciate the years
of training and tenacity it would take

to draw an imaginary line

between my heartbeat
and my trigger finger.

Never done those things.

I could never take a man's life.

But I've heard it's as easy
as popping a pimple.

I think Will's over there, man.

Thanks for your help.

You're a good helper.

All right, pick a card, any card.

- Should I show you?
- No. Don't, don't show me.

Now, uh, sign the bicycle side
of the card.


Could you come with me to the phone

This thing is broken.
I don't know what to do.

So you-- you think your phone is broken

because this woman
you just met didn't respond?

We spent a whole night together.

We told each other things
you can never tell a stranger.

We made love.
- Oh.


There's something wrong with this.

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, uh...


Could you take in the back
just to make sure?

- I'd feel better.
- Sure.

Sure. Uh, just...

Yeah, which account
is this phone registered under?

I have your name associated
with two plans.

One ending in 4356, another in 7864.

Yeah, the first one.


We will get to the bottom of this.

- Okay .


Hey, do you think
that maybe I could get a...

a new phone,
one with a alphanumeric keyboard?

What do you need that for?


Whose phone number ends in 7864?

- Was\fhat?
- He, uh,

he said that you have two numbers.

The other number belongs to a man

who hurt his back so badly
that he can't work anymore,

so I pay for some of his necessities,

like his phone and his rent
and his daughter's education.

How did he get hurt?

He was driving the truck
that hit you and Phil that day.

Don't you hate that guy?

Hate doesn't punish who you think it does.

I had our... best technicians take a look,

and there doesn't seem
to be anything wrong with the phone.


- Mm, that's unfortunate.
- Um, look.

Mr. Pickles... here's the thing.

Can I tell you
what I think really happened?

L-I don't think that your phone is broken.

I think that, uh, it's hers that's broken,

and that's why she's not responding.

That makes sense.

I knew there was a reason I brought you.

He's the family computer whiz.

Yeah, that's...

Uh, so, is there anything else
I can help you with?

Just that.



There was a swing in a branch
and a big, fat marshmallow.

Why does the cat
only eat marshmallows, Dad?

Why do you think? Turn the page.

I only see the cat!

The Kitty's so dismayed...

...but there's a marshmallow,
and the Kitty's like...

I'm sick.

So breathe that way.
I will not-- sleeping on the fold-out.

No, I mean I'm sick, Dee Dee.
I don't know what's wrong with me.

I need

Oh, God, I've pictured having
this conversation since I was 13,

and now, I don't know how to start it.


A word that's defined me
for a while has been...


Even ten words in,
it already feels so cathartic...

to open up

about what I'm trying to say, baby.

In the deepest part of myself...

- I've always--
- Name a happy child of divorce.

- Was\What?
- Name one happy child of divorce.

Can I finish what I'm trying to say?


The Tooth Fairy needs to find her wand.

Where do your teeth go?

'Hi, Mom.

- I'm Mr. Chompers.
- Jesus! Fuck!

And I eat dreams. Nom ! Nom !


[Pm .,

I don't even know
how to talk to you anymore.

But I want you to know that...

I do it all the time in my head,

so it feels like I talk to you
more than I do.

I'm always asking myself
if I'm trying too hard.


Or not enough?

I used to be so good at putting myself
between you and...

anything that tried to hurt you, but...

I] ..

I couldn't put myself
between you and what happened.


I couldn't stop...

you losing everything.


I don't know how to protect you anymore,
and maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe that's howl help.

Have you ever seen the movie Robocop?

- Maybe?
- It's about a police officer

who dies in the line of duty.

His buddies rebuild him like a robot

so they can control him,

but he just gets... way more violent.

Just a sec.


I didn't know you were coming.


Welcome to my... home away from home.

- What happened here?
- Um...

A lamp got broken.

And you're sleeping on a futon?

Yeah, sometimes I want a bed.
Sometimes I want a couch.

It's Spartan, but it's everything I need.

- Where does Will sleep?
- Oh, I have an inflatable mattress.

He thinks it's like a water bed,
only with air.

You could be in a suite
at the Four Seasons, Jeff.

I'm happy here.

What you don't see are the memories.

My first apartment...

short stroll right across campus.

Before I say what I'm going to say,
you should know that your son

was very touched by what you did.

I didn't expect that.

- We raised a good boy.
- But the guilt... that I felt

for wanting a sixth pair of shoes...

Who said you couldn't have shoes?
-...or a car...

- It's a lot of shoes.
-...that's just fun and fast to drive--

You want another car? Get another car.

- Or for hating the man...
- Get six cars.

...who drove a snack truck
into our family.

And meanwhile,
you are writing checks for his rent,

his utility bills?

You're paying his garbage pickup?

He has a daughter.

Someday she's gonna have to go to college.

We had a son,

and he will never go to college!

Denny hurt his back in the accident.

- Denny?
- He walks with a cane now.

Of course,
you're on a first-name basis with him!

Did you not think
how giving that man money

-would make me feel?
- He can't drive anymore.

Workmen's compensation
won't cover the cost

of a single-parent household.

Someone has to look out for him.

We weren't the only ones
who lost something.

We're the only ones that matter.

I devoted an entire show to Phil's death.

An honest show.

- They're gonna air it soon.
- I don't watch Puppet Time anymore.

Watching it makes me
want to swallow my tongue.

You shouldn't blame that man
for what happened.

I don't blame him.

I hate him.

- I blame myself for what happened.
- It was an accident.

A stray burst of electrons
through a stoplight.

- A broken lamp.
- An act of God.

He's not the bad guy.

Neither are you, Jill.

- No one is.
- That's what you don't get.

Next to you, I am the bad guy.

I always am.

No, you're a wonderful person,
and I miss you

-more than anything.
- Don't.

Oh, I loved you, Jeff, but...

after the accident,
when all the cards arrived,

they were all addressed to you.

They were meant for both of us.

You're Santa.

I'm Mrs. Claus.

Santa brings joy.

Mrs. Claus brings kibble...
to the reindeer.


I live in reality now.

It's not as colorful, but...

I see the world how it really is.

The world is a perfect circle...
of endless possibilities.

It's not a circle.


That truck driver...

He didn't hurt his back in the accident.

Maybe he told you he did,

but that is called a lie.

He just wants your money.

He's stealing from you,

and teaching Will a magic trick
isn't gonna get him to stop smoking pot.

And when you screw a woman you just met
and she doesn't call you back,

it's not 'cause her phone is broken,

it's 'cause she doesn't like you!

I'm sorry, but this is where we live.



Is it the... Queen of Hearts?

No way!


Isn't it amazing, Gertie?

♪ A stranger landed from the sea I

♪ [welcomed him to come to me A'

♪ We touched, but he swam back to sea I'

♪ He saw the cold and misery I

♪ He sails the seven oceans I

♪ Exploring his emotions I

♪ Our kiss was but a drop
in this ocean of time I

♪ That ripples through my soul
when I look at the tide I