Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 2, Episode 6 - Lying Around - full transcript

Thank you all for coming
to the unveiling

of my latest culinary creation.
Max?

Have you ever felt like
the Big Mac wasn't big enough

or the footlong wasn't
feet long enough?

Well, have no fear,
ladies and gentlemen,

and feast your eyes
upon Steaktanic!

2 pounds of meat.
Steaktanic.

1 liter of garlic ololi.
Steaktanic.

A half a block of smoked gouda,
three layers of lettuce,

iceberg... dead ahead.

Wow, that is disgusting
and illegal, I think.



Steaktanic.

Guys, I gotta do something.

This hot dog truck that keeps
parking next to me--

they're killing me.
Oh, dogs in heat-- that place is legit.

Oh, I love that commercial.

♪ It's a treat
that's mostly meat ♪

♪ dogs in heat can't be beat ♪

Their meat can be beat.
I will beat their meat.

Whoa. This whole town
will see me beating--

ohh. I see.

Dave, you know what you need?
A commercial.

Arm twisted. I'll direct it.
What?

Yeah, you remember
my award-winning short film

I did in college--
"dogleg right."



The gripping tale of
a semi-professional golfer

who had his leg amputated
only to have it replaced

by that of his beloved
German Shepherd?

"The heart of a champion,
the leg of a champion dog."

I need you to get those DVDs
out of my garage.

Max, no offense, but if
I was gonna make a commercial,

I'd hire
a professional director.

So, guys, things are going great
with my new sweetums Keith.

Four dates in, all systems go.

So we're not doing segues now?
No, I gave those up, along with gluten.

Oh. Weird part is, now
that I have a guy,

everybody wants to set me up.
Oh.

Oh, I know. Al!

What? I should hook you up
with some of my "extras."

You know my co-worker Teresa
with the baby teeth?

Yeah.
With the big gums?

She told me about this guy Liam
who sounded amazing.

Thank you, but I am enjoying
being single, okay?

Like when I go to the movies,
I get to solve

all the pre-movie trivia
at my own pace.

Did you guys know
that Jack Palance

did all his own stunts
for "city slickers"

but didn't do them
for the sequel?

Yeah. You can give Liam
my number.

I think I'd better.

Wow, Liam,
this place looks amazing.

Well, penny mentioned you
studied abroad in France,

and I immediately
thought of this place.

Oh. I got mono
the first day I was there,

so the only French I know
is from lying in bed

watching "cheers" reruns.

"Norm!"

So tell me, who is Alex?

She's loving this bread,
I'll tell you that.

You know, for a fancy place,
it's sort of dead.

Haven't they heard of a flier?

I have a little confession
to make.

I rented out
the entire restaurant.

I have planned
an amazing evening.

Whatever you desire is yours.

In that case...

I'll have
a little more of this bread.

Yah!

Land.

Honey, do you really need to
practice your parkour exercises

in the house?

Babe.
Okay, that's twice now.

And you're sweating
on my bruschetta.

Okay, as undistracting
as all this is,

you're not gonna be able
to practice your little

extreme walking in the house for
a few days, because remember,

my sorority sister Sara
is coming to town

for her yearly visit.

Oh, yeah!
Sara's coming again.

That's awesome!

I know. We are going to have
so much fun entertaining her.

First, we're gonna hit up
that new farmer's market,

and then we're gonna take
a visit to the Russian tea room.

Am I done? Nope. Not nyet,

'cause when
we wanna crank it up,

we're gonna go to that place
where you can get

custom perfumes made.
It's gonna be nuts.

What?
What are you doing?

Raising the roof
on signature scents right now.

That is what's...
Happening.

Stop.
All righty.

Babe, I'm not gonna be here.

I have a work retreat in
Michigan this weekend. What?

Yeah. It's not gonna be
the same without you.

I know. My retreat's
not gonna be the same either. Re.

Yeah, 'cause I'm stealth
as hell.

Damn right you are.
Tiger roll!

Oh!

We okay?

I can't believe you're gonna
make an actual commercial,

and you're not gonna
let me direct it.

Max, I just decided it would be
better to go with people

who are professionals,
not somebody who wears

a turtleneck
he found on the ground.

Aha! This is a mock turtleneck,
and I found it in the garbage.

Oh.

Getting a phone call
from my real buddy--Brad.

I bet he'd let me
direct a commercial for him--

a commercial about friendship.

Hello, amigo.

Max...

Need a favor, buddy.

I forgot my sleep apnea device
at home.

I need you to bring it
to my hotel.

In Michigan?
I don't know where that is.

You absolutely know
where Michigan is.

You were an extra
in the movie "8 mile,"

and, uh... I'm not in Michigan.
I'm in Chicago.

What are you doing in Chicago?

You see, every year,
Jane's annoying sorority sister

comes into town, so last year
I faked a work retreat

because I could not
take it anymore.

We're easy, we're easy,

we're easy on the eyes.

We're spread, we're spread,
we're spreadin' our wings!

We're soar, we're soar,
we're soaring through the skies!

Whoo-hoo!

It's just
a little stay-cation.

I get to relax, make awesome
stay-cation friends.

Like who did I meet today?

It's America's sweetheart,
Brent Musburger.

You are looking live
at Brent Musburger.

And his new best friend,
Brad Williams.

Back to you, Max.

What are you doing here?

I stay here every time I cover

the Northwestern wildcats,
sports fan.

By the way, if you're hungry,
they make a mean Musburg..

Why are we laughing?

I'm on a stay-cation,
so who cares?

So... penny, are things
still going well with Keith?

Yeah, like, our date
last night was great.

It was super low-key we ate
grilled cheese sandwiches.

We watched "con air."
We talked about whatever--

life, love,
daylight savings time.

Arizona doesn't even do it.

Hmm?
Speaking of dates,

how was yours with Liam?

I know. First dates
can be rough.

It was kinda crazy. He rented
out the whole restaurant.

Wow!
Yeah.

That's a lot for a first date.

And he had a private dancer
teach us the dance moves

to the video "private dancer."

That's my jam.

Then we had a midnight
helicopter tour of Chicago.

Well, my date was also awesome.

It was so...
Like, we watched "con air"

with the director's commentary.

So here I am, laughing and learning.
Guess what?

Sara just canceled last minute.

I'm having
an entire pamper spa package

delivered in an hour.

But I guess somehow staging
an intervention for her dad

trumps all of that.

So a helicopter tour?
Yeah.

Was that a groupon thing,
or did he pay upfront?

What's the story there?

What am I gonna do now?

Hey...

You guys wanna hang?
We can pamper ourselves, ladies.

Honey-roasted cashews,

lavender-scented towels
coming in red-hot for you.

I can't. I have another date
with Liam.

He's picking me up
in a horse-drawn carriage

for a ride along lake Michigan.

Slow down, Liam.

Yeah, well, Keith is
picking me up in the Batmobile.

What?

He's a bat exterminator,
and that's what his company

calls the van...
But still very grand.

Thank you for coming to watch
my very first tv commercial!

Yeah!
Whoo!

Now this is what the industry
calls a "rough cut,"

so it's not there yet, okay?

It's gotta go through various
phases like the sound mix,

which is different
from sound design.

Most people don't know that.
Stop.

Play.

Hi. I'm Dave rose,

and this is my truck,
steak me home tonight.

Here at steak me home,

tonight, we'll only use
the finest ingredients.

And if you happen to be
browsing the Internet,

visit my world wide web
address...

♪ and if you like sandwiches ♪

♪ and you love taste ♪

♪ then steak... me... home ♪

♪ tonight ♪

U-uh...

U-uh...
U-uh...

Well, that--that was...
Horrible.

No!
U-uh...

Yeah.
Yeah.

I know. Yay. You were--
you were--you were in it.

Guys, what am I gonna do?

I already paid for air time
this Sunday.

You can't show that to anyone.
Mnh-Mnh.

Dave, walk with me.

Look, you wanna know why
that commercial sucked?

'Cause you were working
with a director

that doesn't know you

and know that you are terrible
on camera.

But I know you, and I know

how to get a great performance
out of you.

Dude, I'm the Dave whisperer.

Yeah, but can you do it
for no money?

I bartered for this outfit

using only
illegal mexican candy.

I think I got this.

So basically,
you breathe through here,

and it relaxes the muscles.

Plus you can pretend
like you're scuba diving.

"Hold up.
That's a puffer fish."

No, thanks.
I'm scared of the sea.

Man, quack like a little bitch.

Damn it. M f forgot
the regulator.

He's gotta go back
to my apartment.

Your apartment? I don't know where that is.
Come on, man.

Jane's probably out with Sara,
but I can't take that chance.

Thanks, Max.

Dude, it's not a toy.

What's happening here?

Pen, I gotta say, with Sara canceling...

I've had the place to myself,
and it has been really...

Really great.
(Mouths word

picked up my knitting again,
and you better believe

that I don't stick
to the conventional stitches.

Guess you could say I'm a...

Knitter with attitude.

My comedy's always been edgy,
penny. You know that.

Strawberries.

Just...

Ohh!

Hey, Jane!

Max, what are you doing here?

I will never tell!

Brad lied.
He's not on a work retreat.

He's on a stay-cation.
What?

Tell me everything!

Ha ha ha!
I laugh at your request.

Ha ha ha ha!
Ow! He's downtown.

He can't stand Sara. I love your sense of fashion.
I don't believe it.

It's true. I'm serious.
The way you blend color

into your everyday wardrobe
is effortless and very tasteful.

You need to leave.

Fine.

Good day.

Brad? I'm pissed.

On your... behalf

because you're missing
all the fun

Sara and I are having.

What's that, sare-bear?
You're gonna stay an extra day?

Fantastic!

Oh! I gotta go.

I love you. Bye.

Ohh.

Ohh.

This stay-cation is
the best, man.

If I was at home right now,
I'd have to make "surprise eyes"

every time Sara would brag
about her stupid homemade teas.

"What? You're selling oolong?
That's crazy!"

Those are great...
Surprise eyes.

It's a gift.

I'm sorry that things
aren't going well at home.

What do you mean,
Brent Musburger?

You're lying to your wife
just to get space.

Oh, it's just a little
white lie, you know what I mean?

That's what
the Miami hurricanes thought

on that muggy Friday afternoon

down in the orange bowl
back in 1984.

Miami led 45-41.

Only 5 seconds
left on the clock.

The hurricanes thought
they had it all wrapped up,

but somebody else
thought differently,

and that somebody was
Douglas Richard...

Flutie.
Flutie.

Flutie back.
Flush to the right.

He throws it down.

60 yards. It's caught.
Caught by Boston college!

The eagles win it!

I don't believe it!
I don't believe it.

Wow. So Miami thought
they didn't have anything

to worry about at home,
and they blew it.

I totally get it.
By lying to my wife

and taking her for granted,
I could possibly be blindsided

by a hail Mary pass that shoots
right through my marriage.

No, my point is,
Miami got a little lazy

with that cover 2 defense.

I gotta go, Brent Musburger.

Don't ever change.

Hello, Keith.
Hey, pen.

Why are you dressed so nice?
Did someone die?

No.
But you're funny.

I was thinking
we should go dancing.

Hmm?

It's noon. Plus I got us
some burgers for lunch.

You know what we should do?

We should eat those burgers
in a hot air balloon

and then just ride it
all the way to Santa Barbara.

What do you think?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about taking
our dating life

to the next level,
to the jet stream in a balloon

and then landing that balloon
in a hidden vineyard

where we get drunk
on Santa Barbaran Malbec

and we feed each other
local spot prawns as we--

oh. Whoa.

You okay?

Just give me a burger.

Oh, man.
The commercial's almost on.

I hope people like it.

Relax. We didn't make this
to please the masses.

Max, this is a commercial.
That's exactly why we made it.

How are things going with Liam?

Honestly, he's annoying.

I mean, and all
the grand gestures

are getting really exhausting.
Like last night,

all I wanted to do was stay in
and watch "the princess bride."

See?
I told you I could keep it mellow.

Sorta.

The director was on my ass
in this scene.

I told him, "you want
someone to phone it in,

"get kirk Cameron.

"You want someone to be
a savage, you get Fred...

Savage."

Interesting.

Hey, I saw some hummus
back in the fridge.

Is that for the house, or...

Something I could jump in on?

Yeah, go ahead.

It's all just too much.

I want Liam.
What?

Well... technically,
he was mine in the first place,

and--and what if
it's meant to be?

You don't want to tempt fate,
al.

Like the time you entered
a brisket-eating contest

before you went into that loan interview.
Ugh, not my finest moment.

Oh! Commercial it's on. It's on.

I remember when my dad and I
would just sit on a park bench,

have a hot dog,
just talk about whatever.

It was the best.

That's--that's where my love of
Chicago street food came from.

The hot dog had given
me so much.

When I was a kid, I wanted
to give something back,

something new.

So the next time
you're craving a hot dog,

have one of these.

Thanks, dad.

♪

That was amazing.

Really?
Yeah.

I didn't understand
the dog barking

or the Puerto Rican guys
playing checkers,

but I have never seen you
more comfortable on screen.

I know, right? And I have
my director to thank for that.

He did--as they say
in the industry--

"help me find
my performance."

You know what else
is a great choice?

How you never had Dave
say the name of the truck.

It's like one of those bars
that doesn't have a sign

and only the cool people
know about it.

What are you talking about?
We said the name of the truck. Yeah.

Or how you never mentioned

or showed steak sandwiches
in any way.

Of course we showed
the steak sandwich.

I think it's pretty clear what
we were trying to sell. Yeah.

Hot dogs? 'Cause you said that,
like, 17 times.

No, no, we said,
"steak sandwich."

Yeah, we--
we said it quite a bit.

Yeah, we... we said s--

Come on. Hurry it up.

I'm trying.

Pick it up.
I'm trying.

I didn't DVR it.

Hey, boo! I'm home!

Where's my sare-bear?

I wanna hear how
those Earl Greys are selling.

Huh? It looks nice in here.
It's cute.

Using the honeysuckle
candles for company, huh?

Dipping into my private stock.
That's cool.

I'm all right with that!

I love you, baby. Love you.

Ah, got the wine cracking?
That's what's up.

Nice little card.

That's...

"Sorry I had to cancel
our visit. Love, Sara."

She canceled?

Hey.

Oh!

Aah!

Ohh, Lenka, that facial
was so relaxing.

I totally t-zoned out.

You know, 'cause the t-zone
on your face?

No? Nothing.

Okay. Well, let's get started
on my seaweed wrap

because my mani-pedi lady
comes at 7:00,

and I really wanna make the most
of this stay-cation.

Mmm. Mmm.

Hey, boo!

Brad! Brad.

You're home... a day early.

Remember Sara? Right?

We're soar, we're soar,

we're soaring through the sky!

Hey!

Brad, what are you
doing here now?

Work retreat got cut short,

decided to come home,
see my honey bunny.

Hey, Sara, you look different.

No, Sara's actually...
Not here,

because she just... left.

Uh, there was a... huge

tea disaster back at
the warehouse. Mm.

I mean, it flooded,
and then it burst into flames,

and now there is a river
of hot darjeeling

just coursing through
Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's, uh, no Boston tea party,
if you know what I mean.

Nothing.
Basic American civics.

So that's what happened.
Tea fire.

Yeah. It's a shame.

But enough about me.

How was that work retreat?

It was--it was great.
Yeah.

It was great.
Uh, there were rope courses,

trust falls, stuff like that.

Uh, turns out I'm actually

light as a feather,
stiff as a board, so...

Got that going for me.

Well, sounds like you had
a really eventful weekend.

Sounds like...

You... did, too.

You went on a stay-cation!

No, you went on a stay-cation!
You're questioning me?!

How do we stop doing this?!
I have no idea!

I'm glad Liam was so cool
with the old switcheroo.

I know. I wonder what exciting
things he's got planned.

You'll see.

Ooh. Here he is.

Hello, m'ladies.

How do I find you on this Eve?

What's up, Liam?
Sweet costume. Anywho...

Have fun.

No backsies.

So great to finally meet you.

And I the same.

Teresa, the duchess of your
accounts receivable department,

did not speak false when
she said you were beautiful.

Tonight we shall dine
in the medieval wing

of the art institute.

We shan't tarry another minute.

We shan't. We shan't not, my l--

I don't
speak English--I mean, British.

Let's just go.

Bye!

How did we forget to say
I sell steak sandwiches?

Relax. No one knows what
commercials sell what products.

Like that old spice commercial

with that black guy
in the shower.

What's he selling?
Old spice.

No, the old spice commercial

with the black guy
in the shower!

What is he sell--
oh. He's selling old spice.

Well, it's pretty quiet
around here.

Guess I should go ahead
and pack her up for the night.

Hey, man.

I'm sorry I let you down.

Oh! No, no, man,
we're in it together.

I mean, it was your idea.
You shot it,

and you locked me out
of the editing room,

but, uh, it's on me, too.

They call it Hollywood,
not "holly-friends."

We're not in Hollywood.

Dude, I saw your commercial
last night. I loved it.

You did?

Yeah. You really spoke
from the heart, you know?

Called my dad for the first time
in nine years.

Awesome.
Yeah. Well,

we're gonna go get hot dogs,
then go play checkers

with some puerto rican guys.
Yeah.

See ya.
Let's go, son.

We did it!

Taking myself!

Why don't you have
a little pasta salad,

have something in your mouth
other than lies?

Okay. And while
I'm doing that,

why don't you catch a movie?

Like "liar liar"
or "what lies beneath."

Ooh, or narnia.
There's a lion in it.

Babe, what are we doing?

Are we seriously lying
to each other

so we don't have
to be together?

Brad, we love being together.
I mean, come on.

Everyone wishes they had
our mojo, yo.

Yeah, I said that.
Let's just keep moving.

No, we're coming back to that.
Okay, fine, fair enough.

Look, we go on trips together.
We go to the movies together.

We even go cheese shopping
together.

Yeah, like I can trust you
to pick a good camembert.

But there's nothing wrong

with us having
a little private time, too.

Honestly, didn't you like
having a little Brad time?

Well, it was nice watching
"the boondocks"

and not having to explain
why it's funny.

I wanna love it. I don't get it.
Sometimes I don't get it.

Maybe it's okay if once a year
Sara comes to visit,

and you have to go
on a last minute work retreat.

Babe, I was lying
about the work retreat.

Mm-hmm. We usually go on,
like, an off-site c--

oh, it's a metaphor.

I get it.

Yeah, you will get it.

Yeah.
Ooh!

Mmm.

Mmm!
Oh, God! Oh!

Oh, oh!

And after dinner,

they brought two horses
into the museum courtyard.

Shut up. And Liam and his
friend dressed up as knights

and jousted over me.

Oh.

It was the most romantic night
of my life.

It sounds super romantic.

Oh, you know what?
Keith showed up after you left.

Really?
Yeah.

Well, the guy is devastated.
Was he destroyed?

It was rough.
But we ended up hanging out. Huh?

Making English muffin pizzas,
talking. It was nice.

It was?

Yeah. You know, after all those
extravagant dates with Liam

where I'm, like, hunting quail,

it was nice to kick back
and connect with someone.

It was perfect...
And so simple.

Mmm.

I want Keith back.