Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 2, Episode 5 - Spooky Endings - full transcript

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Don't you think you should leave
a little something in the tank

for tomorrow, buddy?
It is Halloween, after all.

It's pre-gaming, bro.

Halloween is
the super bowl of drinking.

Isn't the super bowl
the super bowl of drinking?

- Uh, no. The super bowl is
the Halloween of football. - What?

- What?
- Anyway, I cannot wait

for this year's
monster mash pumpkin bash, guys.

I mean, the buffets, ohh!
The drag queen contests...

Okay?

The smoking hot gir...



Rilla costumes.

Yeah, I'm right next to you.

It's basically a gorilla costume
that's slightly singed,

like when you age a document.

Yeah, okay. Well, we're not
going to the party, honey.

- We discussed this. Remember?
- No, we didn't.

Brad, I'm hereby
informing you that we will not be going

to the monster mash
pumpkin bash.

We will be house-sitting
for the Rubins.

Please confirm your listening
by repeating what I just said.

We will not be going to
the monster mash pumpkin bash.

We will be house-sitting
for the Rubins.

That's the first
I'm hearing of this.

- You guys, Adam ended it with me.
- Oh, no. I'm so sorry.



- Who's Adam?
- Hated that guy.

I mean, things were going
so well, and then I suggested

a couples costume,
and he, like, freaked out.

Yeah, Pen, you know that I am

the biggest couples costume
advocate in the world.

- I mean, you've read my blog.
- Of course.

But you can't throw

a couples costume at a guy
after only three weeks.

Classic Penny overreach.

You might as well have
just asked him to marry you,

you stupid idiot.

- Oh, we're not piling on... there?
- No.

I mean, it wasn't, like,
a romantic costume or anything.

It was just me as a new mom

and him as an infant strapped
to me in a babybjorn.

Oh, my God.
What was I thinking?

Penny. Penny, Penny, Penny,

Penny, Penny, Penny,
Penny, Penny, Penny.

What?

I'll do it.

I'll be your baby.

- I wasn't asking you to.
- You don't have to.

I'm always there for you,

plus you're going through
a devastating breakup right now.

- I'm fine.
- Oh, denial.

The first step in not wanting
to admit things.

His lady gaga meat suit
went bad,

so now he needs a costume
to get into the party.

I want to be your wingbaby.
I'll wear a diaper all night.

- Not a selling point. - For me it is.
Halloween is the arbor day of urinating.

Wait. So that makes arbor day
the wimbledon of having sex.

Yes! You get me, bro!

Ah!
Yes!

Well, I finally get to wear
my dream costume,

because I don't have to wear

a stupid couples costume
this year.

- Oh, boy.
- Looking good.

For the record, you're the one

that always made us
wear couples costumes, okay?

Oh, that is not true.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, so it was
just my idea to go

as "Carlito's Way" Sean Penn
and "I am Sam" Sean Penn?

I thought you loved
double Penn,

no.

No, I don't.

Good luck, my friend,

because tomorrow,
I am gonna go in the costume

that I've been dying to go in
for, like, 200 years or so,

and I am gonna be smokin' hot...

Okay, no. No, Al,
you are not going anywhere.

God, you look like a finger
in a 10-hour bath.

You look like Brett Butler
after a karate class.

You look like Regis
after a motorcycle accident.

Right?

We're not gonna pile on?

- She obviously doesn't feel well.
- That is your sister.

- No one is close enough to high-five you.
- Who is Brett Butler?

- "Grace under fire."
- Oh.

- Yep.
- Yeah, I can see that.

(Penny) Ow.
Okay, work with me here.

Don't, like,
actively work against me.

Okay, right, left, right.
Just like we talked about,

also exactly like
normal walking.

Ugh. You sound like
my real mom.

"Wall this way."
"Clean up your mess."

"Stop referring to my figure
as hilarious."

Oh, Max, can you--
can we?

Oh!

Hi.

- Hey.
- Hello.

So... you heading
into the party?

- Yeppers.
- You betcha.

I'm Rick.

- Max.
- Penny.

Just to clarify, which one of us
are you flirting with mainly?

The mom, exclusively.

Fair enough.

Maybe I'll see you
inside the party, m'lady?

Maybe you will, m'president.

Sire.

Ugh.
Ooh.

- Oh, my God. Being straight
sounds like so much work. - I know. It is.

(Imitating Mike Myers as Austin
powers) Do I make you horny?

(Penny) Oh, boy.

That is the costume
you were dying to wear?

Yeah, baby, yeah.

- Just talk normally.
- No, baby, no.

Okay, fine. Guys,
Austin powers--isn't this sweet?

I just wish Alex was here
to see this costume kill.

Oh, she is so out of it.

When I put her to bed, she told
me she couldn't marry me

because her father
owned the plantation.

So I don't think she'll be
joining us tonight.

- Well, guess again. - What?

Someone had a different idea.

- Who?
- What was the initial idea?

Just look over there.

♪

♪

Hey, guys. Good news.

Whatever I have is not
from the bird I kissed.

Oh.

I can't believe you wouldn't
wear your egg costume.

I mean,
what's bacon without eggs?

I'm not gonna waste
my Denver omelet costume

on a night in the suburbs.
I cannot believe

you signed us up for
house-sitting on Halloween.

Come on.
Don't you want to see

al those cute little
trick-or-treaters?

If I want to watch kids,
I'll open a playground.

What? Come on. It'll be like
test-driving our future.

We agreed we want to raise
our kids in the suburbs.

I want to raise our kids
in the city.

The suburbs are boring.
The city's awesome.

No. City kids grow up way too
fast. They drink, they smoke,

they get addicted
to riverboat pai gow

and eventually have to steal

then sell
their dad's carpet cleaning van

and blame the whole thing
on Alex.

Man, that pai gow's
a tricky bitch.

- It'll rob you of everything.
- Yeah.

♪

Well, Al, what do you think?

Super topical.

Can't wait to see your Borat
costume in nine years.

(Imitates Sacha Baron Cohen
as Borat) Is not gonna be nice.

I won't like.
Wow. Wee-wow. Wow. Wow.

Okay, never do that again.

This costume is amazing--

crushed velvet suit,
period glasses,

period teeth--teeth! Oh!

I forgot my teeth in the cab.

Doesn't matter.
Still gonna kill it.

Hey, shall we shag now

or shag later, baby? Yeah!

Sweet Elton John costume.

Elton John?

You do look like Elton John.

Whatever.
You sound like Brett Butler.

Jane already used that.

- No, no. She said you look
like Brett Butler. - Really?

- Yeah. - Excuse me.
I-I just had to tell you,

you are the most amazing Marilyn
I have ever seen.

Seriously. Hi.
I'm--I'm Henry, by the way.

Thanks. I'm Alex.

And a sexy voice to match.

- Can I buy you a drink?
- Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you--
are you guys together?

Yeah, baby! No,
actually, we're not together.

We're just friends. Funny story.
There was this rollerblader--

I'd love to get a drink.

♪

Uh, can I get a shot?

Aw, look at how beautiful
breezy acres is!

They named their house?
Who names their house?

You named your favorite pair
of sweatpants.

Hey, you leave Karen
out of this.

Come on. You're telling me

that you wouldn't want to live
in a place like this?

I mean, square footage--check,

sound of crickets
in the yard--check,

quiche stone in the kitchen--
check plus.

- I do not want those things.
- Oh.

Well, except the quiche stone.

I mean, that thing'll pay for
itself in, like, three quiches.

Mm, that's true.

Luckily, we can get
one of those in the city.

You know what you can't get
in the city?

Oh, no you di'int!

Breezy acres has a hot tub?

Yes, it do!

I can't wait to get
in that thing with you.

Oh, we're gonna get so hot,

we're gonna make
our own bubbles.

What?

I get why that's not sexy.

I'll give you the benefit
of the doubt.

Oh, d-d-d-d-d-d-d.

First we have to hand out
the candy.

Let's just make a sign

and have the kids meet us
back at the tub.

Oh, okay. So your plan is to use
the promise of candy

to lure children to a grown man
in a hot tub?

Well, now that I heard the plan
out loud,

I like it even more.

Clean it up, polanski.

♪

Hey, you wanna dance?

- Yes.
- No.

Max, come on.
Okay, I really like him.

- He's funny. Wingbaby!
- Fine. One dance.

Dance accepted,
señor el presidente.

Ah, mucho, mucho gusto.

All right, you cats and kittens,

let's take it down
for a slow dance.

Huh. Whew!

I am beat. What do you say
we go get a drink, huh, Penny?

Everybody could use a drink.
I know I could use a drink.

♪ take me in your arms ♪

♪ that's all I want of you ♪

Trick-or-treat?!

Look at you little munchkins!

You're so cute!
Okay, you know the drill.

Everyone take one.

Oh, hot tub,

I want me inside you.

Help yourself.

Your choices are
candy or candy.

Clock's tickin'.

All right, here's what
we're gonna do.

We're gonna put this
right down here.

Honor system. All right?

- Come on.
- Okay.

See you later.

What are you doing?

Us a favor.
Now let's tub.

No. No. I want to hand out
the candy, okay?

That's all part
of the suburban experience.

You're out.

Sorry, doc. Guess you have
to go St. elsewhere.

You should get some more candy.

The big kids are coming.

What does that mean?

You'll see.

♪

Hey, so I really kinda dig
your friend.

Yeah. Alex is super cool.
We split up a while back.

Been doing my own thing lately.
Loving being back in the game.

Hate myself for calling it
"the game,"

but what are you gonna do?
It's the game.

Yeah, that's really amazing,
man. So Alex...

What's his story?

I'm sorry. What?

Alex, your ex-boyfriend.
What's up with him?

Uh...

Seriously, man.
What's his deal?

Uh...

I'm so glad I came out tonight.

You came out tonight?

I wasn't gonna come out tonight,
but when my friend was

tucking me in before the party,
I was like, this is ridiculous.

I have to come out.

Excuse me. Hey, Al.
Can I talk to you for a sec?

Listen, Al, you might want
to take a beat

on this Henry character.
There's--

just stop right there.
I know what's going on.

You do?

Yes, your idiotic solo costume
isn't working,

and mine is killing so hard
that I met someone,

and who knows?
We might have something.

Oh, he definitely thinks
you have something.

Best wishes.

Thanks.

♪ shake my head and do it ♪

♪ but you really
put me through it ♪

(Jane) Brad, what are we gonna do?
We are out of candy.

Don't worry.
I have a plan.

Yogurt.

Wheat bread. Lunch meat.

Heavy cream! Sandwich bag.

Box the sandwich bags came in.

For you guys...

An entire cake.

Here you go.
Have a nice night, fellas.

See, Jane? I told you
we don't need any candy.

Everything is gonna be
just f--

Little... ugh!

Ha ha! Very funny, guys!

Hilarious!

God!

What are we gonna do?

Look, I have a plan.
What we're gonna do is

we're gonna turn off
all the lights,

pretend like we're not home,
and hide... in the hot tub.

Oh!

"We know you're home.
Get candy. Over."

Over?

"No smarties."

- Yeah. Yeah, they're gross.
- Yeah. Mm.

Okay, now that you got
a good base,

you're gonna want to use
those taquitos as the bricks

and the nacho cheese
as the mortar.

Then I want you
to take both hands.

Grab one handful of lettuce,
one of monte cristo sandwich.

Throw the lettuce away and grab
a second monte cristo sandwich.

- What? Okay, this just seems reckless.
- Hey, I have a system.

Now grab that last crunchy piece
of Mac and cheese

before someone else grabs it.

You better watch yourself,
beardo.

No, you better watch it, baby.

Wait a minute.

Nice plate.

You are hitting this buffet
so hard right now.

Thanks, bitch. What's up?
My name is Max.

A.J.
I like the way you like food.

Thanks. I like your costume.
Is that zz top gun?

- Mm-hmm.
- That is the first thing

I have genuinely liked
since Barbara Walters exploded.

She's still alive, but that's
incredibly kind of you to say.

Hey, where'd you get that
delicious-looking turkey leg?

- Back over yonder.
- Pen, could you head back over yonder

and grab the boys
a couple legs of turkey?

No, I can't,
'cause we're connected.

How about I grab you one,
then grab us a table?

- Sounds good, bro.
- Turkey party.

- Boom.
- Boom.

Okay, your weird, gay turkey
party is gonna have to wait

because slutty Betsy Ross
is moving in on my Lincoln!

But, Penny, I want to go
to my weird, gay turkey party.

Well, then you better
get out of the costume.

I can't! I took my boxers off,
like, an hour and a half ago.

It is getting hot up in hurr.

All I'm wearing is
a one-piece bathing suit.

Fine. We'll take turns.

- Fine.
- Fine.

- Good.
- Good.

- No.
- No.

- No.
- Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Got it.

I still can't believe
you didn't wear your egg costume.

We look like idiots.

We look like idiots?

Oh, officer.

Officer, we tried calling you,
and then we got put on the hold.

There's big kids on the loose
and they're throwing bricks

- and whatnot. - Actually, I'm not a cop.
This is just a costume.

Oh. Sorry about that.

Great costume.

Okay, let's just get the candy
and let's get out of here.

Right.
No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no. This can't be happening!

Let's just go back to the city.

No. We have an obligation
to take care of breezy acres,

and that is exactly
what we're gonna do.

Excuse me. Sir, is there

any candy anywhere else
in the store?

Oh, sorry.
I don't actually work here.

- This is just a costume. - For the love of
God, does anybody actually work here?!

I can take you on one.

Oh, baby took a big bite
that time.

Mmm. Now, Penny, you feed a.J.
The turkey leg.

Yeah, yeah. Penny, give me that
big, dark, wet meat right there.

And that's your time, Max.

My turn. Let's go talk to Rick.
Bye, a.J.

Penny, look, I have something
to tell you. Rick died.

- Max, come on.
- No, I'm serious.

I just read that he was in
a fire and he got shot to death.

- Max, he's right there. - Penny, I wanna
go back and hang out with a.J.

Besides, you know whatever
dumb relationship

you get in with Rick

is just gonna last three weeks,
like all the other--

- Max, that's kinda harsh.
- Yeah, I felt it right away.

- Yeah, well, it wasn't great.
Didn't feel good. - No, it wasn't, and I--

look, you deserve better
than these guys.

You need, like, a king
or something, not this guy Rick.

- P.S., his jokes are terrible,
and his belly button smells-- - ahem.

That hurt my feelings.

Good night to you both.

- Bye.
- Thanks a lot, Max.

Oh! For the record,
that was me storming off.

Yeah? Well, for the record,
this is me storming off.

Put me down!

Can I be honest
about something?

What you've got going on
right here is very impressive.

You've got some legit Hooters.

Thanks.

They look so real.
When'd you get 'em?

Eighth grade.

Can I touch them?

'Cause those aren't your
run-of-the-mill chicken cutlets.

You're entering
the drag queen contest, right?

You're gonna crush
those bitches.

That would be kind of unfair.
Oh, yeah, big-time.

Could you give me a second?

Yeah, sure.

Nice costume, piano man.

No. No, no, no, no. "Piano man"
is Billy Joel, not Elton John,

and I'm not Elton John.
I'm Austin powers, and I-- - Dave!

Dave. You're right. There's
something off about Henry.

I didn't think I'd be able to
use this line in context, but...

He thinks you're a man, baby.

How could he think I'm a dude?

There's no way
he thinks I'm a dude.

You want to get out of here,
dude?

That doesn't prove anything.

I can't wait to see your penis.

It was a little weird
buying candy

out of a grown man's trunk.
At least it was expensive.

Yeah, but we're fine now.
We've got candy. All is good.

Didn't this house
used to have a door?

"We have your door. Over.

This isn't over."

Ugh! That's it!

I'm getting the door back.

This ends now!

"Over.

This isn't over."

God, these kids are clever.
Good--good schools out here.

Hey, you seen my door?

No, man.

Come on, dude!

You all right, man?

Hey, lady.

- Seen a door around here?
- Do you know--

give me that! Damn candy.

Everybody was right. Couples
costumes suck on so many levels.

Look, I said I was sorry, Pen.

Do you think now would be a bad time to
ask you to shake... - Yes, it would.

Jump up or down
or shiver at the least?

Not gonna do any of that.

Look, I don't know
if Rick's a good guy,

but I do know that you're
the greatest girl in the world,

and if you want to be with him,
I will gallantly sacrifice

my budding relationship
with a.J.,

who just might be
the greatest guy I've ever met,

- so that you can be with Rick.
- This a.J.?

Gallantly sacrifice.

Thanks. But how am I supposed
to get Rick back? He hates you.

Hold up. Are you still wearing
that bathing suit?

Yeah.

Yes!

♪ get lost in the city, girl ♪

♪ people of the night,
it's another world ♪

Go. Go get you some Rick.

♪ You and me ♪

Brad?

Ohh!

Oh, no!

Whoa!

Ugh!

Hey.

Hey, fella. I couldn't help
but notice that,

uh, you stole my door,
you little Buster.

This is the property
of breezy acres,

and I'm taking back the night.
The door, too.

Dude, this is my costume.

I'm going to a Halloween party
with some friends.

- Yeah?
- We're The Doors.

The--the band.

Really?

- Yeah.
- Okay, then which one are you?

- Ray Manzarek.
- Ha! That's not a real name!

- Give me that damn door.
- No, that's--

- give me it. Give me it!
- Okay.

Take this back
where it belongs.

Ah, this is heavy.

- A little bit, right?
- Proud of you, man.

- Thanks.
- Psych!

I think Ray Manzarek's
a real guy.

Brad, you were right.
The suburbs are horrible.

You know what?
I respectfully disagree.

I mean, the suburbs are way more
exciting than I ever thought.

I've never felt this alive.

We will stay, and we'll fight,

and we will win.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Looks like bacon finally got
its eggs, huh?

Nailed it!

Oh, come on!
Who bacons somebody?!

You okay?

This night sucked.

Ah, it's been a rough night
for me, too.

This whole
Elton john/austin powers thing

has been a real disas--

- yours is worse. Back to your thing.
- It's just that--

am I regretting paying for that
rush shipping on this costume.

I'm sorry. Back to you.

I can't believe
I look like a man.

Al, you are beautiful.

You don't look like a man.

You sound like a man
and you have a man's name,

and you're wearing the most
iconic drag costume of all time.

But on the bright side,
the hottest guy here

thinks you're
the hottest guy here.

Not what I was going for.

Sometimes you just
gotta roll with it.

God gave you melons.

Make melon-Ade.

♪

Oh, it's so nice
to be back in the city

where everything's normal.

And our next contestant

for the drag queen contest--
Alex Kerkovich!

♪ You burden me
with your questions ♪

♪ you'd have me tell no lies ♪

Hey, guys.
So this is Rick.

Yep, totally normal.

♪ These times I've spent,
I've realized ♪

♪ I'm gonna shoot through
and leave you ♪

♪ the things you say ♪

♪ your purple prose
just gives you away ♪

♪ the things you say ♪

♪ you're unbelievable ♪

I think that it's adorable

- that you guys decided to go with
a couples costume after all. - What?

Elton John and Marilyn Monroe.

"Candle in the wind"?
Brilliant.

All right, all right.
We'll take it.

I can't believe I got runner-up.
I was totally robbed.

Yeah, well...

What does he have
that don't have?

A big, huge...