Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 2, Episode 7 - The Code War - full transcript
The gang meets Max's high school girlfriend.
Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer.
Hey, nerds.
Why is everybody so quiet?
Well, we ran out of things
to talk about, so...
We were kinda hoping that you
would come in with some news.
Oh.
Big news!
I worked my PR magic,
and I got Dave
and his food truck a spot
on a major live morning show.
Here we go!
Oh!
Wow, Pen.
All right.
So what are we talking,
"Good Morning America," or...
- Think less national.
- Ooh! "Good Morning Chicago."
Think less morning
and less tv and no tv.
It's a podcast about meat
with a guy named Randy.
"Crazy Randy's Meat And Greet"?
I-I love that guy.
He's super influential
in the meat world.
Which means he's meaningless
in the real world.
Oh. Angie's gonna be here
soon.
Oh, that's nice.
Ohh.
I can't believe
we're finally meeting
- your high school girlfriend.
- I don't know
what you guys are
so excited about.
A ton of people move
to Chicago every day.
Penny, why are you talking out
of the side of your mouth?
Why are you talking about of
the front of your mouth, weirdo?
Wait a minute, Pen.
Are you jealous
because Angie dated Max
before you did?
No. Yes, okay?
I mean, she was
the high school girlfriend.
I'm the college girlfriend.
It's a clash
as old as the clash.
I have to hate her.
Jane gets crazy competitive
about my exes.
- What? Pfft.
- Remember when she found out
my high school girlfriend
was a magician?
Wait a minute. What is that
behind your ear?
Oh, my God. It's a quarter.
Penny, you have a little
something right in your--
Oh, my God! It's another quarter!
Again!
Again! Mm!
Mm. Mm.
Mm.
Guys, just promise me that
when Angie gets here,
you'll be cool. I mean,
'cause when I dumped her,
it was just messy,
and I hurt her.
Max, it's us.
We're totally cool.
Yeah.
Right.
Okay. Right. Dave,
don't put your hand out
and then say, "here's
five good ones for ya."
Alex, do not tell her
your theory about
why the perfect murder weapon is
a knife that absorbs blood.
- But it is. - Brad, do not jump
the gun on giving her
a nickname too soon...
But I had "angina"
locked and loaded.
And, Jane, when she says to you,
"I've heard so much about you,"
do not respond
with the classic...
"Oh, I
hope it's all good things!"
Aah-eee!
Oh, she's here.
You guys, I gotta warn you,
I don't know how
I'm gonna react to this,
but it could get very ugly.
- Guys, this is Angie.
- Hi.
Hey, girlfriend!
Get in here, you. Ooh!
Look at you. Oh.
It's so nice to meet you.
You are cuter than cute,
cuter than a button.
Head to toe, you're a winner.
You're a big star.
I'm loving all of this.
I did not know
I was gonna react like that.
Neither did we.
Get on over here!
- Come on!
- Oh.
Come and join
our game of funsies.
Mwah. Mwah.
♪
So what are
you guys thinking about?
Oh, the usual-- Water births.
I mean, what happens to
the water after the baby's born?
Bottle it, sell it.
Million dollars.
I meant, what are you
going to order?
Oh, nothing.
This place blows.
Hey!
B-rad!
What's up, girl?
You weren't on IM this morning.
There was no one to make fun
of Jensen's eye twitch with me.
Oh, I know. I had a call...
But that thing was
out of control, right?
He was like...
"Well... well..."
"Uh...
Gross point percentage."
I'm like,
"dude, stop winking at me,
you crazy son of a bitch."
Oh, my God. Uh, let's get coffee later...
- Okay.
- And the maintenance guys are coming by
to fish your wedding ring
out of my AC unit.
Sweet.
Bye.
Fish your wedding ring
out of her AC unit?
You dirty whore!
What, dude? I was just showing
Vanessa the inscription on
the inside of my wedding ring,
and it fell in the vent.
Sure. I see what's
going on here.
Brad's got a work wife.
Brad's got a work wife.
♪ totally a work wife! ♪
Okay, I went playground.
You went hair band.
Dude, she's not my work wife.
We just joke around
in the office and stuff.
♪ a work wife! ♪
You're right.
Hair band was better.
Yeah, it's-- it's better.
I stand corrected.
Listen, man, don't worry.
We're not gonna tell Jane.
We get the code.
This is not a code situation.
Well, you'd better hope
Jane doesn't notice you
not wearing that wedding ring,
or you are done-zo.
What? She's not gonna
even notice.
Where's your wedding ring?
Damn. You are
one hot, skinny little witch.
- How did you know that?
- 'Cause it makes...
A very distinct
clicking sound on the doorknob.
Yeah, I am that good,
so where is it?
Oh, funny, funny story.
So I'm showing
your beautiful inscription
to a co-worker of mine,
this girl Vanessa...
- Yeah.
- And, uh...
It falls right into an AC duct.
I mean, it just drops.
How about that?
"Curse you, gravity!"
- Grr! - That's what I said
right when it happened.
- I bet you did.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna get it back tomorrow, though,
so... yeah. - Oh, good. Good, good, good.
So, um, who is, uh,
who's Vanessa?
Oh, just a friend from work.
Cool.
I'm gonna go, uh, change,
- go to the gym.
- Yeah.
Get on up there.
- Yep.
- Okay.
Should I be worried about this?
No.
She's just his work wife.
Just his work wife?
I have no idea what that means.
A work wife is just someone
you flirt with at work.
It's totally harmless,
totally normal.
I have two work husbands,
three work ex-boyfriends,
one work stalker,
and one work dog.
You should get a work husband!
Really?
Yes.
Although, when you flirt,
- just be careful.
- Oh, right, no.
I don't want to lead him on.
Yikes.
No, you're just terrible
at flirting.
- You do this weird, like-- May I?
- Yeah, yeah.
Kind of, uh,
a weird eye blink...
And then you
get a shimmy shake,
and you're doing your arms,
and you're just...
And then you start asking
all these insane questions,
and somehow it always ends up
with your fingers
in your mouth, like...
Aah. Aah. Aah. Aah.
Yeah, and that's not sexy.
What?
Oh, boy. I should have
never went over to Jack's.
All he wanted to do
was have sex.
Al, he texted you
at 11:00 P.M.
What did you think
was gonna happen?
I thought maybe he wanted
to have a late European dinner.
Al, look how he spelled
"come over."
I thought it was
the European spelling.
It's not.
Ugh. Don't guys just ever
want to make out anymore?
Try a closeted gay guy.
Every one I've ever dated has
been such a great kisser.
Even Max was a good kisser?
Especially Max.
The guy who once found
a cricket in his mouth?
What can I say?
That gay's got mouth game.
I know that sounded gross, but I
really meant it as a compliment.
Okay, what do you think
of this accent rug
I'm thinking of getting Angie
as a housewarming gift?
Pen, that's, like, almost $200.
- I know.
- I thought you hated her.
Oh, I hate her. I just don't
want her to know I hate her,
so I'm gonna be
overly nice to her,
so when she starts to like me,
I can hate her even more.
And then when she's
least expecting it,
you'll bake her a cake.
Yes! And I'll spend hours
decorating it. Ha ha ha ha!
Is that your evil laugh?
It's not great.
Ugh. Look at her. I have had
just about enough of this one.
- Okay, I cannot...
Fake it one more second! - Shh.
Hey, girlfriend!
Lookin' hot.
I am so stealing this sweater.
- Not if I steal yours first.
- Aah!
What are you guys doing here?
Oh, we, uh, just ran
into each other in the street
- and decided to have a drink.
- Dave is so sweet.
He's gonna show me around
Chicago from the steak truck.
Ah. Two of my favorite people
hanging out.
It's like when Mike Myers
and Kanye West
tried to raise money
for hurricane Katrina.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
- Well, I gotta go. Um, Dave, I'll
see you tomorrow. - Ohh.
Max, I'll call you tonight?
If the levees don't break.
Okay.
- Bye, baby girl.
- Bye.
- See you.
- Bye, bye, bye.
No. Mnh-Mnh. You and Angie--
Not happening.
- Why? - Because dudes don't date
other dudes' ex-girlfriends.
Max, you're gay.
So? What-- I cannot-- You--
I have-- Oh-- I--
You know what?
I'm invoking the code.
Ohh.
"Oh, no, he didn't."
"Oh, no, he didn't
just say, 'oh, no, he didn't.'"
"yes, he did."
"Girl, you lyin'."
"Bitch, I ain't lyin'.
It's the code. Shoot."
What? You di-n't.
You did.
You can't invoke the code.
The code doesn't apply.
Look, the code clearly states--
She is my ex.
You cannot have sexual relations
with that woman.
First of all, you're gay.
Fine. I guess you wouldn't mind
if I started dating Alex.
Good luck with that.
Yeah.
Good luck with that?
Hey, uh, you just have...
You just have, like,
a little...
It's, like, an eyelash
or something.
Max, what are you doing?
I'm--
Oh, my God. He's kissing her
like she has a penis.
♪
Doesn't bother you at all?
Still nothin'.
Yeah. What?
Is it, like,
a bajillion degrees in here?
All right.
Let me sit you down.
The truth of the matter is that
my breakup with Angie was hard,
and I really broke her heart,
and I don't want to see her
get hurt again.
All right.
I don't get it, but if you don't
want me to see her again,
- I-I won't see her.
- Thank you.
Ugh. Why is Angie, like, trying
to destroy our gang, right?
What a slut.
Pen, Angie's not a slut.
We didn't do anything.
What a tease.
She's actually pretty cool.
What a bitch.
Pen, this whole
work husband thing
is way harder than I thought.
All the good ones are taken.
I waited too long.
I was so focused on work,
I forgot to get work married.
Oh, you know what? I gotta go.
I'll call you back.
Hello, Mrs. Kerkovich-Williams.
I thought you'd like to know,
there will be birthday cake
today at 3:30.
Oh, thank you, Hector.
You know, I was gonna have
an after-lunch hard candy,
but... Mnh-Mnh.
Now I'll wait, so...
Yeah. Mm.
Hey, Hec.
Why don't you stick around
a bit, you know?
So, uh, what you up to?
What's your sitch?
Just delivering mail.
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How's that work?
I go from each office
to the next.
Some riveting stuff.
Yeah.
So, uh, do you, uh...
Lick each package, huh?
'Cause I do.
I am a big licker.
I just... arr.
And you said,
"I lick everything,
from little envelopes
to big packages."
In my defense, I do lick
every piece of mail.
It is the only way to make sure
it's completely sealed.
Then you sucked your fingers,
showed him how you can fit
an entire stapler in your mouth,
and proudly demonstrated
how you are...
"No stranger
to the 3-hole punch."
Punch. Yeah.
So just to clarify for me,
that was... wrong?
Yes.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Steven.
It's okay, Jane.
I see this stuff in HR every day.
My job is 80% busywork
and 20% figuring out
who keeps drawing the genitals
on Sharon's bagged lunch.
Well, it wasn't me.
Every time I draw genitals,
it ends up looking like
Brad Garrett.
Hard candy?
Hey.
Ohh. Wouldn't this be
gorge in Angie's apartment?
What are you talking about?
I thought you hated her.
I do.
What is wrong with me?
What about
this coatrack for Ange?
I could sand it, stain it,
toss on a matte gloss--
I have a sickness.
Yeah, plus I think Angie
already has a bear coatrack.
Oh.
Oh, about Angie--
You don't think I was too harsh
with Dave last night, do you?
Max, you were totally right.
These are things
that we can't control.
It's like when you suddenly
start having feelings
for somebody, and the world
tells you that you're crazy,
and that it's
never, ever gonna happen,
but you still want it,
you know?
What the hell are you
talking about,
and why are you holding
my hand?
Huh? Whatever.
No big deal. Who cares?
I got you a scarf.
I got one, too.
We can wear them
if we ever go snowmobiling
or, like, send out
holiday cards.
Okay, crazy lady.
I'm gonna go get a churro.
Oh, get me one.
Or we could share yours.
Oh, my God. Please tell me you
do not have a crush on Max now.
No! Of course not. Wait.
Does he have a crush on me?
What did he say?
Tell me everything.
He didn't say anything.
Honestly, I think
he's freaked out by you.
So he's thinking about me.
This is unacceptable behavior.
I'll allow it.
Babe. Babe, babe. What are you--
What are you doing?
- Got my ring back.
- Oh, good.
Wasn't really a joke.
I know. I was just
thinking of something
my new friend Steven
said today.
Oh.
Who's Steven?
Oh, no one. No one.
I mean, some may say he's
my work husband, but--
Who might be saying that?
Okay, don't get all
Mr. T on me.
You have a work wife.
I can have a work husband.
Vanessa is not my work wife.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
Do you have coffee with her
every day?
Do you have more
than one nickname for her?
Um...
Vanestle crunch.
Vanecessary roughness.
The Vanessa monologues.
Vanesticles.
Vanasturbate.
It's Miss Jackson,
if you're Vanasty.
Ugh! Okay. Fine.
I have a work wife,
but it's totally innocent.
Nothing's going on between us.
Nothing's going on
between Steven and me either.
Good. Well, I want to meet
your work husband.
Well, I want to meet
your work wife.
Fine. We should all do
something together.
Well, let's have our
work spouses over for drinks.
Yeah.
That won't be weird at all.
Right, like when your mom
started tweeting.
How not weird was that one tweet
about menopause?
"Shuttin' down the fallopes.
Hashtag menopause."
Not weird.
So how's the apartment coming?
Good.
Penny's been super helpful.
She bought me a chandelier
and a bread maker.
Well, she loves you.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, I got an idea.
Mm. Tonight let's go down
to the united center
and paint a Hitler mustache
on the Michael Jordan statue
so he looks like
present-day Michael Jordan.
Oh, my God. I want to do that
so bad, but I can't.
I'm seeing Dave.
Oh.
Yeah. We've been hanging
out a little bit.
Really?
Yeah, he's a great guy.
Yeah, I love him...
Mm-hmm.
The way Penny loves you.
Ohh.
Hey, why don't you go
grab us a coffee?
- Okay.
- I'm gonna sit here
and stew in my own anger
for a second.
Welcome to
"Crazy Randy's Meat And Greet"!
Today we will be "meating"
Dave Rose, owner of
The Steak Me Home Tonight
food truck!
So, Dave, how did you
come up with the name?
Well, it's funny, Randy.
Do you remember that song
"Take Me Home Tonight"?
Great story!
You know what?
Actually just stick to questions
about Dave's signature sandwich.
I got another story
for ya, crazy Randy...
A story about
how this guy steals
other people's ex-girlfriends!
Hey, Max. Try kissing me again.
It'll kill Dave.
Come on, Al.
You've gotta stop.
Max, yes, I am still seeing
Angie, but I don't get it.
You dumped her in high school,
and you're gay.
Oh.
If Harvey
Milk could hear that...
You know what, Dave?
All codes are off!
It's a code war!
Oh, God. Turn it off.
- What's a code war?
- Ohh.
It's hell, crazy Randy,
pure and unadulterated hell,
especially when you're dealing
with a dirtbag like this
that doesn't respect the codes
that hold our civilization
together.
You want to know another code
this guy doesn't respect?
The health code.
That's right, CR.
This freak likes to prepare
all his meat in his underwear!
No, no! No, that is not true.
That is not true!
♪ The closer I am to fine ♪
♪ the closer I am to fine ♪
♪ the closer I am ♪
Hey, buddy.
♪ To fine ♪
Okay, it happened one time.
It happened one time.
It was summer. The AC broke.
The meat was going bad.
I knew I needed to sell it fast.
I was wearing a hairnet.
No, I wasn't. Good-bye.
Okay. You know what? We're done.
So you guys are really
in a code war, huh?
Those are rough.
Yeah, it's getting kinda ugly.
Max, what have you done
to my shirts?
Oh, yeah.
No more dress code, bro.
I turned all your T's
into super deep V's.
You're welcome, my man.
He messed
with your v-necks? Damn.
That's like messing with
a straight man's crew necks.
Yeah, well, don't worry,
'cause I'm about to make
my first strike.
Yeah, your hair does look like
it's from a catalog
from an '80s barbershop.
Hey, soldier.
Can I buy you a drink?
Sure.
No more wingman code.
Well, the joke is on you,
because he's not a soldier.
He works at a Kiehl's,
so... ha!
Hey, Vaneedle in a haystack.
Whoa! Oh. Whoa.
Oh, that's your bra, which is
holding up your breasticles.
Uh, s-sorry.
I'm just gonna be outside
while you put them things away.
Girl, you trippin'.
No, stay. I'm just changing
for our drinks.
Can you come here
and help me zip this up?
Uh, sure, yeah. I'll just...
I don't feel--
- Come on. I'm not gonna bite.
- I don't feel uncomfortable
doing that at all.
- Right.
- There. Yep.
Oh, that's your butt.
I'm sorry.
A little higher. Yep.
- Uh...
- And...
Aah! I'm married!
Ohh. You know, uh,
I was thinking
maybe we should reschedule
the drink thing
- for, like, a later date.
- No way.
- No way you're bailing.
- No?
I want to meet Jane,
scope out my competition.
Competition?
Let's go, Bradster.
This is gonna be fun.
Listen. Max, we brought you here
to have a serious conversation.
I love your shirt,
but I just need to do this,
if you don't mind.
There it is.
Why is she rubbing
her baby hand on me?
Just ignore her.
Seriously though, this code war
between you and Dave--
It's out of hand.
No, it's not.
Aah. What are you doing?
That's a load-bearing column!
I don't care.
No more building codes, bro.
You live here, too!
Ha! But your name is
on the lease.
Ha ha! I forged an addendum
with your name on it!
Ha ha! You're bluffing!
Ha ha ha! I am bluffing!
Don't hit another pillar,
please!
You just don't understand
'cause you're not guys.
This is what we do.
We razz each other.
I razz him. He razzes me back.
I razz him. He razzes me back.
I give him
a tight home permanent
while he's sleeping,
he razzes me back.
Wait. What now?
♪
We ran out of codes, so I, uh,
came up with a new one--
Hair code for men.
You look like Keri Russell
after she ruined "Felicity."
You look like
John McEnroe's sister.
You look like a huge lesbian.
Hey! There they are.
Hey, honey. Can I talk
to you real quick-like?
Don't be rude.
Introduce me.
Uh... y'all.
Jane, we really need to talk.
No, I want you to meet Steven.
How are ya?
Hey, how tall are you, man?
Like, 6'4".
How tall are you?
Jane, uh, can we talk?
Vanessa, why don't you have
some wine?
And I'm gonna go visit
accounts receivable.
That's what us HR guys
call the bathroom.
He does!
I've heard you say that.
- I've so heard you say that.
- All right. Okay, man.
- Talk time.
- Okeydoke.
Listen,
I was wrong about Vanessa.
It's totally not innocent.
She wants me.
- What?
- Yes. She wants me bad, Jane.
I knew she couldn't resist
my tight, sweet-smelling body.
I mean, look at this.
It just smells too nice.
Excuse me?
Oh, come on. You were
half-naked in your office.
You had me zip you up.
You want to be
way more than
my work wife, okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I am not your work wife, okay?
Uh, if anything,
you're like my work dad.
What?
I mean, aren't you, like, 48?
I'm 29.
I could never think of you
like that, ever. Ew.
- Uh...
- I mean, there's no way...
I could ever...
Ew.
Two "ew"s?
Pssh. What a relief.
Ohh.
Glad we, uh, cleared that up.
Yeah. Okay, you know what?
Honey, I'm sorry.
He didn't realize that your
relationship...
- Was just fun and innocent...
- Yeah.
Like Steven and me.
All right. Who's ready
to get freaky?
Brad, pick a girl
and meet me upstairs.
You are the head of HR.
What are you doing?
I know. That's what makes it
so awesome, right?
It's like, who are you gonna
report me to, me?
I'm God!
I'm gonna need these.
Hey.
Oh, my God. Your hair.
You look like a Jonas Uncle.
Oh, yeah.
It's a perm accident.
Max did this to me.
Okay, what is going on
with you guys?
Okay, Max didn't
want me to date you
because he broke up
with you in high school
and broke your heart.
Dave, Max did not break
my heart.
I broke up with him
the summer after we graduated.
- What?
- Yeah.
I knew he was gay.
He just didn't know it yet.
Oh, wow. Um...
Angie, I-I can't go
on this date tonight.
I gotta find Max.
Okay. Um, do you want me to run
inside and get you a hat?
Oh, God. No, no.
I look terrible in hats.
Oh, Jane, I never asked you.
How's it going with
that whole work husband thing?
We just decided to be real wife
and real husband.
Save all the flirting
for each other.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- What you about to do, girl?
- I don't know. What's this?
- What you--
Oh, you're not about to do
what I think.
- Mm. Mm. Mm.
- Ohh!
- Deeper.
- Aah!
- Temple Grandin.
- It's Pat.
Cow.
You look good, man.
I look like a Quaalude dealer.
Max, can I talk to you
for a sec?
Anything you gotta say to me,
- you can say in front
of my real friends. - Fine.
I know that you lied
and that Angie broke up
with you in high school.
- Okay. Scootch, scootch, scootch.
Nothing to hear here. - No.
Max, don't go anywhere.
Come on. I love you.
Huh?
I mean, we all...
Love you. Just...
Fine. This is so stupid.
I guess Angie did dump me,
and I guess that
she was the first person
I was ever in love with,
but I guess even though
I didn't realize it at the time,
I was in love with her
here and here,
but I was definitely not in love
with her down here.
Mm.
Talkin' 'bout my penis.
- We got that. We got it.
- Could not have more clear.
- And my scro.
- Okay.
Mm.
I get it.
The code is not about sex.
You loved this girl,
and she broke your heart,
and I got your back, man.
I would never do something
like that to you.
- Thanks, dude.
- Max, I guess I always thought
- I was the most special girl
in your life. - Oh, no.
You are. You are. It's just,
Angie's special to me
because she was
my last straight relationship,
but you-- you were
my first gay relationship.
Wait. What?
Dating you was like dating
a super gay dude,
but it was awesome and great
and gave me the strength
and courage to come out, so...
Aw. That is weirdly sweet.
- Wanna make out?
- No.
- For old times' sake?
- Hey, wait a second.
- Uh, what about me?
- No.
Oh, God, Al. I don't know how
we're gonna get this
through that giant, blonde
doll head of yours,
but I am gay.
- Hell-er.
- I like dudes.
Never gonna change.
Okay. I know.
I understand.
But I bought you a harmonica!
♪
- Did you ask for a harmonica?
- Why?
No, I didn't ask
for a harmonica.
Oh, my God.
He doesn't need a harmonica.
You are losing your mind!
Ohh.
Penny, I don't think
I can do this.
If you want to get over him,
you have to watch.
I can't look.
Come on. Be strong.
Ohh!
I can't do this for you.
If you're gonna love it,
you gots to love all of it.
That's it. I'm out.
Crush over.
You, my friend, are an animal.
You don't got to show off
for your friend. Get down here.
Okay.
There you go. Come spend
a Sunday with daddy.
Fine. Why don't we...
Ow! Ow.
Hey, nerds.
Why is everybody so quiet?
Well, we ran out of things
to talk about, so...
We were kinda hoping that you
would come in with some news.
Oh.
Big news!
I worked my PR magic,
and I got Dave
and his food truck a spot
on a major live morning show.
Here we go!
Oh!
Wow, Pen.
All right.
So what are we talking,
"Good Morning America," or...
- Think less national.
- Ooh! "Good Morning Chicago."
Think less morning
and less tv and no tv.
It's a podcast about meat
with a guy named Randy.
"Crazy Randy's Meat And Greet"?
I-I love that guy.
He's super influential
in the meat world.
Which means he's meaningless
in the real world.
Oh. Angie's gonna be here
soon.
Oh, that's nice.
Ohh.
I can't believe
we're finally meeting
- your high school girlfriend.
- I don't know
what you guys are
so excited about.
A ton of people move
to Chicago every day.
Penny, why are you talking out
of the side of your mouth?
Why are you talking about of
the front of your mouth, weirdo?
Wait a minute, Pen.
Are you jealous
because Angie dated Max
before you did?
No. Yes, okay?
I mean, she was
the high school girlfriend.
I'm the college girlfriend.
It's a clash
as old as the clash.
I have to hate her.
Jane gets crazy competitive
about my exes.
- What? Pfft.
- Remember when she found out
my high school girlfriend
was a magician?
Wait a minute. What is that
behind your ear?
Oh, my God. It's a quarter.
Penny, you have a little
something right in your--
Oh, my God! It's another quarter!
Again!
Again! Mm!
Mm. Mm.
Mm.
Guys, just promise me that
when Angie gets here,
you'll be cool. I mean,
'cause when I dumped her,
it was just messy,
and I hurt her.
Max, it's us.
We're totally cool.
Yeah.
Right.
Okay. Right. Dave,
don't put your hand out
and then say, "here's
five good ones for ya."
Alex, do not tell her
your theory about
why the perfect murder weapon is
a knife that absorbs blood.
- But it is. - Brad, do not jump
the gun on giving her
a nickname too soon...
But I had "angina"
locked and loaded.
And, Jane, when she says to you,
"I've heard so much about you,"
do not respond
with the classic...
"Oh, I
hope it's all good things!"
Aah-eee!
Oh, she's here.
You guys, I gotta warn you,
I don't know how
I'm gonna react to this,
but it could get very ugly.
- Guys, this is Angie.
- Hi.
Hey, girlfriend!
Get in here, you. Ooh!
Look at you. Oh.
It's so nice to meet you.
You are cuter than cute,
cuter than a button.
Head to toe, you're a winner.
You're a big star.
I'm loving all of this.
I did not know
I was gonna react like that.
Neither did we.
Get on over here!
- Come on!
- Oh.
Come and join
our game of funsies.
Mwah. Mwah.
♪
So what are
you guys thinking about?
Oh, the usual-- Water births.
I mean, what happens to
the water after the baby's born?
Bottle it, sell it.
Million dollars.
I meant, what are you
going to order?
Oh, nothing.
This place blows.
Hey!
B-rad!
What's up, girl?
You weren't on IM this morning.
There was no one to make fun
of Jensen's eye twitch with me.
Oh, I know. I had a call...
But that thing was
out of control, right?
He was like...
"Well... well..."
"Uh...
Gross point percentage."
I'm like,
"dude, stop winking at me,
you crazy son of a bitch."
Oh, my God. Uh, let's get coffee later...
- Okay.
- And the maintenance guys are coming by
to fish your wedding ring
out of my AC unit.
Sweet.
Bye.
Fish your wedding ring
out of her AC unit?
You dirty whore!
What, dude? I was just showing
Vanessa the inscription on
the inside of my wedding ring,
and it fell in the vent.
Sure. I see what's
going on here.
Brad's got a work wife.
Brad's got a work wife.
♪ totally a work wife! ♪
Okay, I went playground.
You went hair band.
Dude, she's not my work wife.
We just joke around
in the office and stuff.
♪ a work wife! ♪
You're right.
Hair band was better.
Yeah, it's-- it's better.
I stand corrected.
Listen, man, don't worry.
We're not gonna tell Jane.
We get the code.
This is not a code situation.
Well, you'd better hope
Jane doesn't notice you
not wearing that wedding ring,
or you are done-zo.
What? She's not gonna
even notice.
Where's your wedding ring?
Damn. You are
one hot, skinny little witch.
- How did you know that?
- 'Cause it makes...
A very distinct
clicking sound on the doorknob.
Yeah, I am that good,
so where is it?
Oh, funny, funny story.
So I'm showing
your beautiful inscription
to a co-worker of mine,
this girl Vanessa...
- Yeah.
- And, uh...
It falls right into an AC duct.
I mean, it just drops.
How about that?
"Curse you, gravity!"
- Grr! - That's what I said
right when it happened.
- I bet you did.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna get it back tomorrow, though,
so... yeah. - Oh, good. Good, good, good.
So, um, who is, uh,
who's Vanessa?
Oh, just a friend from work.
Cool.
I'm gonna go, uh, change,
- go to the gym.
- Yeah.
Get on up there.
- Yep.
- Okay.
Should I be worried about this?
No.
She's just his work wife.
Just his work wife?
I have no idea what that means.
A work wife is just someone
you flirt with at work.
It's totally harmless,
totally normal.
I have two work husbands,
three work ex-boyfriends,
one work stalker,
and one work dog.
You should get a work husband!
Really?
Yes.
Although, when you flirt,
- just be careful.
- Oh, right, no.
I don't want to lead him on.
Yikes.
No, you're just terrible
at flirting.
- You do this weird, like-- May I?
- Yeah, yeah.
Kind of, uh,
a weird eye blink...
And then you
get a shimmy shake,
and you're doing your arms,
and you're just...
And then you start asking
all these insane questions,
and somehow it always ends up
with your fingers
in your mouth, like...
Aah. Aah. Aah. Aah.
Yeah, and that's not sexy.
What?
Oh, boy. I should have
never went over to Jack's.
All he wanted to do
was have sex.
Al, he texted you
at 11:00 P.M.
What did you think
was gonna happen?
I thought maybe he wanted
to have a late European dinner.
Al, look how he spelled
"come over."
I thought it was
the European spelling.
It's not.
Ugh. Don't guys just ever
want to make out anymore?
Try a closeted gay guy.
Every one I've ever dated has
been such a great kisser.
Even Max was a good kisser?
Especially Max.
The guy who once found
a cricket in his mouth?
What can I say?
That gay's got mouth game.
I know that sounded gross, but I
really meant it as a compliment.
Okay, what do you think
of this accent rug
I'm thinking of getting Angie
as a housewarming gift?
Pen, that's, like, almost $200.
- I know.
- I thought you hated her.
Oh, I hate her. I just don't
want her to know I hate her,
so I'm gonna be
overly nice to her,
so when she starts to like me,
I can hate her even more.
And then when she's
least expecting it,
you'll bake her a cake.
Yes! And I'll spend hours
decorating it. Ha ha ha ha!
Is that your evil laugh?
It's not great.
Ugh. Look at her. I have had
just about enough of this one.
- Okay, I cannot...
Fake it one more second! - Shh.
Hey, girlfriend!
Lookin' hot.
I am so stealing this sweater.
- Not if I steal yours first.
- Aah!
What are you guys doing here?
Oh, we, uh, just ran
into each other in the street
- and decided to have a drink.
- Dave is so sweet.
He's gonna show me around
Chicago from the steak truck.
Ah. Two of my favorite people
hanging out.
It's like when Mike Myers
and Kanye West
tried to raise money
for hurricane Katrina.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
- Well, I gotta go. Um, Dave, I'll
see you tomorrow. - Ohh.
Max, I'll call you tonight?
If the levees don't break.
Okay.
- Bye, baby girl.
- Bye.
- See you.
- Bye, bye, bye.
No. Mnh-Mnh. You and Angie--
Not happening.
- Why? - Because dudes don't date
other dudes' ex-girlfriends.
Max, you're gay.
So? What-- I cannot-- You--
I have-- Oh-- I--
You know what?
I'm invoking the code.
Ohh.
"Oh, no, he didn't."
"Oh, no, he didn't
just say, 'oh, no, he didn't.'"
"yes, he did."
"Girl, you lyin'."
"Bitch, I ain't lyin'.
It's the code. Shoot."
What? You di-n't.
You did.
You can't invoke the code.
The code doesn't apply.
Look, the code clearly states--
She is my ex.
You cannot have sexual relations
with that woman.
First of all, you're gay.
Fine. I guess you wouldn't mind
if I started dating Alex.
Good luck with that.
Yeah.
Good luck with that?
Hey, uh, you just have...
You just have, like,
a little...
It's, like, an eyelash
or something.
Max, what are you doing?
I'm--
Oh, my God. He's kissing her
like she has a penis.
♪
Doesn't bother you at all?
Still nothin'.
Yeah. What?
Is it, like,
a bajillion degrees in here?
All right.
Let me sit you down.
The truth of the matter is that
my breakup with Angie was hard,
and I really broke her heart,
and I don't want to see her
get hurt again.
All right.
I don't get it, but if you don't
want me to see her again,
- I-I won't see her.
- Thank you.
Ugh. Why is Angie, like, trying
to destroy our gang, right?
What a slut.
Pen, Angie's not a slut.
We didn't do anything.
What a tease.
She's actually pretty cool.
What a bitch.
Pen, this whole
work husband thing
is way harder than I thought.
All the good ones are taken.
I waited too long.
I was so focused on work,
I forgot to get work married.
Oh, you know what? I gotta go.
I'll call you back.
Hello, Mrs. Kerkovich-Williams.
I thought you'd like to know,
there will be birthday cake
today at 3:30.
Oh, thank you, Hector.
You know, I was gonna have
an after-lunch hard candy,
but... Mnh-Mnh.
Now I'll wait, so...
Yeah. Mm.
Hey, Hec.
Why don't you stick around
a bit, you know?
So, uh, what you up to?
What's your sitch?
Just delivering mail.
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How's that work?
I go from each office
to the next.
Some riveting stuff.
Yeah.
So, uh, do you, uh...
Lick each package, huh?
'Cause I do.
I am a big licker.
I just... arr.
And you said,
"I lick everything,
from little envelopes
to big packages."
In my defense, I do lick
every piece of mail.
It is the only way to make sure
it's completely sealed.
Then you sucked your fingers,
showed him how you can fit
an entire stapler in your mouth,
and proudly demonstrated
how you are...
"No stranger
to the 3-hole punch."
Punch. Yeah.
So just to clarify for me,
that was... wrong?
Yes.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Steven.
It's okay, Jane.
I see this stuff in HR every day.
My job is 80% busywork
and 20% figuring out
who keeps drawing the genitals
on Sharon's bagged lunch.
Well, it wasn't me.
Every time I draw genitals,
it ends up looking like
Brad Garrett.
Hard candy?
Hey.
Ohh. Wouldn't this be
gorge in Angie's apartment?
What are you talking about?
I thought you hated her.
I do.
What is wrong with me?
What about
this coatrack for Ange?
I could sand it, stain it,
toss on a matte gloss--
I have a sickness.
Yeah, plus I think Angie
already has a bear coatrack.
Oh.
Oh, about Angie--
You don't think I was too harsh
with Dave last night, do you?
Max, you were totally right.
These are things
that we can't control.
It's like when you suddenly
start having feelings
for somebody, and the world
tells you that you're crazy,
and that it's
never, ever gonna happen,
but you still want it,
you know?
What the hell are you
talking about,
and why are you holding
my hand?
Huh? Whatever.
No big deal. Who cares?
I got you a scarf.
I got one, too.
We can wear them
if we ever go snowmobiling
or, like, send out
holiday cards.
Okay, crazy lady.
I'm gonna go get a churro.
Oh, get me one.
Or we could share yours.
Oh, my God. Please tell me you
do not have a crush on Max now.
No! Of course not. Wait.
Does he have a crush on me?
What did he say?
Tell me everything.
He didn't say anything.
Honestly, I think
he's freaked out by you.
So he's thinking about me.
This is unacceptable behavior.
I'll allow it.
Babe. Babe, babe. What are you--
What are you doing?
- Got my ring back.
- Oh, good.
Wasn't really a joke.
I know. I was just
thinking of something
my new friend Steven
said today.
Oh.
Who's Steven?
Oh, no one. No one.
I mean, some may say he's
my work husband, but--
Who might be saying that?
Okay, don't get all
Mr. T on me.
You have a work wife.
I can have a work husband.
Vanessa is not my work wife.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
Do you have coffee with her
every day?
Do you have more
than one nickname for her?
Um...
Vanestle crunch.
Vanecessary roughness.
The Vanessa monologues.
Vanesticles.
Vanasturbate.
It's Miss Jackson,
if you're Vanasty.
Ugh! Okay. Fine.
I have a work wife,
but it's totally innocent.
Nothing's going on between us.
Nothing's going on
between Steven and me either.
Good. Well, I want to meet
your work husband.
Well, I want to meet
your work wife.
Fine. We should all do
something together.
Well, let's have our
work spouses over for drinks.
Yeah.
That won't be weird at all.
Right, like when your mom
started tweeting.
How not weird was that one tweet
about menopause?
"Shuttin' down the fallopes.
Hashtag menopause."
Not weird.
So how's the apartment coming?
Good.
Penny's been super helpful.
She bought me a chandelier
and a bread maker.
Well, she loves you.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, I got an idea.
Mm. Tonight let's go down
to the united center
and paint a Hitler mustache
on the Michael Jordan statue
so he looks like
present-day Michael Jordan.
Oh, my God. I want to do that
so bad, but I can't.
I'm seeing Dave.
Oh.
Yeah. We've been hanging
out a little bit.
Really?
Yeah, he's a great guy.
Yeah, I love him...
Mm-hmm.
The way Penny loves you.
Ohh.
Hey, why don't you go
grab us a coffee?
- Okay.
- I'm gonna sit here
and stew in my own anger
for a second.
Welcome to
"Crazy Randy's Meat And Greet"!
Today we will be "meating"
Dave Rose, owner of
The Steak Me Home Tonight
food truck!
So, Dave, how did you
come up with the name?
Well, it's funny, Randy.
Do you remember that song
"Take Me Home Tonight"?
Great story!
You know what?
Actually just stick to questions
about Dave's signature sandwich.
I got another story
for ya, crazy Randy...
A story about
how this guy steals
other people's ex-girlfriends!
Hey, Max. Try kissing me again.
It'll kill Dave.
Come on, Al.
You've gotta stop.
Max, yes, I am still seeing
Angie, but I don't get it.
You dumped her in high school,
and you're gay.
Oh.
If Harvey
Milk could hear that...
You know what, Dave?
All codes are off!
It's a code war!
Oh, God. Turn it off.
- What's a code war?
- Ohh.
It's hell, crazy Randy,
pure and unadulterated hell,
especially when you're dealing
with a dirtbag like this
that doesn't respect the codes
that hold our civilization
together.
You want to know another code
this guy doesn't respect?
The health code.
That's right, CR.
This freak likes to prepare
all his meat in his underwear!
No, no! No, that is not true.
That is not true!
♪ The closer I am to fine ♪
♪ the closer I am to fine ♪
♪ the closer I am ♪
Hey, buddy.
♪ To fine ♪
Okay, it happened one time.
It happened one time.
It was summer. The AC broke.
The meat was going bad.
I knew I needed to sell it fast.
I was wearing a hairnet.
No, I wasn't. Good-bye.
Okay. You know what? We're done.
So you guys are really
in a code war, huh?
Those are rough.
Yeah, it's getting kinda ugly.
Max, what have you done
to my shirts?
Oh, yeah.
No more dress code, bro.
I turned all your T's
into super deep V's.
You're welcome, my man.
He messed
with your v-necks? Damn.
That's like messing with
a straight man's crew necks.
Yeah, well, don't worry,
'cause I'm about to make
my first strike.
Yeah, your hair does look like
it's from a catalog
from an '80s barbershop.
Hey, soldier.
Can I buy you a drink?
Sure.
No more wingman code.
Well, the joke is on you,
because he's not a soldier.
He works at a Kiehl's,
so... ha!
Hey, Vaneedle in a haystack.
Whoa! Oh. Whoa.
Oh, that's your bra, which is
holding up your breasticles.
Uh, s-sorry.
I'm just gonna be outside
while you put them things away.
Girl, you trippin'.
No, stay. I'm just changing
for our drinks.
Can you come here
and help me zip this up?
Uh, sure, yeah. I'll just...
I don't feel--
- Come on. I'm not gonna bite.
- I don't feel uncomfortable
doing that at all.
- Right.
- There. Yep.
Oh, that's your butt.
I'm sorry.
A little higher. Yep.
- Uh...
- And...
Aah! I'm married!
Ohh. You know, uh,
I was thinking
maybe we should reschedule
the drink thing
- for, like, a later date.
- No way.
- No way you're bailing.
- No?
I want to meet Jane,
scope out my competition.
Competition?
Let's go, Bradster.
This is gonna be fun.
Listen. Max, we brought you here
to have a serious conversation.
I love your shirt,
but I just need to do this,
if you don't mind.
There it is.
Why is she rubbing
her baby hand on me?
Just ignore her.
Seriously though, this code war
between you and Dave--
It's out of hand.
No, it's not.
Aah. What are you doing?
That's a load-bearing column!
I don't care.
No more building codes, bro.
You live here, too!
Ha! But your name is
on the lease.
Ha ha! I forged an addendum
with your name on it!
Ha ha! You're bluffing!
Ha ha ha! I am bluffing!
Don't hit another pillar,
please!
You just don't understand
'cause you're not guys.
This is what we do.
We razz each other.
I razz him. He razzes me back.
I razz him. He razzes me back.
I give him
a tight home permanent
while he's sleeping,
he razzes me back.
Wait. What now?
♪
We ran out of codes, so I, uh,
came up with a new one--
Hair code for men.
You look like Keri Russell
after she ruined "Felicity."
You look like
John McEnroe's sister.
You look like a huge lesbian.
Hey! There they are.
Hey, honey. Can I talk
to you real quick-like?
Don't be rude.
Introduce me.
Uh... y'all.
Jane, we really need to talk.
No, I want you to meet Steven.
How are ya?
Hey, how tall are you, man?
Like, 6'4".
How tall are you?
Jane, uh, can we talk?
Vanessa, why don't you have
some wine?
And I'm gonna go visit
accounts receivable.
That's what us HR guys
call the bathroom.
He does!
I've heard you say that.
- I've so heard you say that.
- All right. Okay, man.
- Talk time.
- Okeydoke.
Listen,
I was wrong about Vanessa.
It's totally not innocent.
She wants me.
- What?
- Yes. She wants me bad, Jane.
I knew she couldn't resist
my tight, sweet-smelling body.
I mean, look at this.
It just smells too nice.
Excuse me?
Oh, come on. You were
half-naked in your office.
You had me zip you up.
You want to be
way more than
my work wife, okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I am not your work wife, okay?
Uh, if anything,
you're like my work dad.
What?
I mean, aren't you, like, 48?
I'm 29.
I could never think of you
like that, ever. Ew.
- Uh...
- I mean, there's no way...
I could ever...
Ew.
Two "ew"s?
Pssh. What a relief.
Ohh.
Glad we, uh, cleared that up.
Yeah. Okay, you know what?
Honey, I'm sorry.
He didn't realize that your
relationship...
- Was just fun and innocent...
- Yeah.
Like Steven and me.
All right. Who's ready
to get freaky?
Brad, pick a girl
and meet me upstairs.
You are the head of HR.
What are you doing?
I know. That's what makes it
so awesome, right?
It's like, who are you gonna
report me to, me?
I'm God!
I'm gonna need these.
Hey.
Oh, my God. Your hair.
You look like a Jonas Uncle.
Oh, yeah.
It's a perm accident.
Max did this to me.
Okay, what is going on
with you guys?
Okay, Max didn't
want me to date you
because he broke up
with you in high school
and broke your heart.
Dave, Max did not break
my heart.
I broke up with him
the summer after we graduated.
- What?
- Yeah.
I knew he was gay.
He just didn't know it yet.
Oh, wow. Um...
Angie, I-I can't go
on this date tonight.
I gotta find Max.
Okay. Um, do you want me to run
inside and get you a hat?
Oh, God. No, no.
I look terrible in hats.
Oh, Jane, I never asked you.
How's it going with
that whole work husband thing?
We just decided to be real wife
and real husband.
Save all the flirting
for each other.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- What you about to do, girl?
- I don't know. What's this?
- What you--
Oh, you're not about to do
what I think.
- Mm. Mm. Mm.
- Ohh!
- Deeper.
- Aah!
- Temple Grandin.
- It's Pat.
Cow.
You look good, man.
I look like a Quaalude dealer.
Max, can I talk to you
for a sec?
Anything you gotta say to me,
- you can say in front
of my real friends. - Fine.
I know that you lied
and that Angie broke up
with you in high school.
- Okay. Scootch, scootch, scootch.
Nothing to hear here. - No.
Max, don't go anywhere.
Come on. I love you.
Huh?
I mean, we all...
Love you. Just...
Fine. This is so stupid.
I guess Angie did dump me,
and I guess that
she was the first person
I was ever in love with,
but I guess even though
I didn't realize it at the time,
I was in love with her
here and here,
but I was definitely not in love
with her down here.
Mm.
Talkin' 'bout my penis.
- We got that. We got it.
- Could not have more clear.
- And my scro.
- Okay.
Mm.
I get it.
The code is not about sex.
You loved this girl,
and she broke your heart,
and I got your back, man.
I would never do something
like that to you.
- Thanks, dude.
- Max, I guess I always thought
- I was the most special girl
in your life. - Oh, no.
You are. You are. It's just,
Angie's special to me
because she was
my last straight relationship,
but you-- you were
my first gay relationship.
Wait. What?
Dating you was like dating
a super gay dude,
but it was awesome and great
and gave me the strength
and courage to come out, so...
Aw. That is weirdly sweet.
- Wanna make out?
- No.
- For old times' sake?
- Hey, wait a second.
- Uh, what about me?
- No.
Oh, God, Al. I don't know how
we're gonna get this
through that giant, blonde
doll head of yours,
but I am gay.
- Hell-er.
- I like dudes.
Never gonna change.
Okay. I know.
I understand.
But I bought you a harmonica!
♪
- Did you ask for a harmonica?
- Why?
No, I didn't ask
for a harmonica.
Oh, my God.
He doesn't need a harmonica.
You are losing your mind!
Ohh.
Penny, I don't think
I can do this.
If you want to get over him,
you have to watch.
I can't look.
Come on. Be strong.
Ohh!
I can't do this for you.
If you're gonna love it,
you gots to love all of it.
That's it. I'm out.
Crush over.
You, my friend, are an animal.
You don't got to show off
for your friend. Get down here.
Okay.
There you go. Come spend
a Sunday with daddy.
Fine. Why don't we...
Ow! Ow.