Celebs Go Dating (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript
- This summer,
these famous dating disasters
are looking for love.
Joey Essex!
- I really wanna meet a salt,
and that's why I'm here.
- Stephanie Pratt!
- I don't want guys to
think that if they date me
I'm gonna bring them on
TV and they'll be famous.
- Paisley Billings!
- I've never been in
love so I need the agents
to find me someone who
I can be myself with
and learn to love.
- Tyger Drew-Honey!
- My parents worked in the porn
industry.
What difference does that make?
- Jack Jones!
- I'm here looking for love.
- And Charlotte Crosby!
- I want unicorns, I want
butterflies,
I want fairytale love.
- They've signed up
to E4's Celebrity Dating
Agency to find the one.
- Scared in case you see my
vagina.
- But, in their
search for a soulmate,
these celebs aren't dating
famous people.
- It just don't seem to work.
- They're dating
you!
- Oh my fucking god!
- Stop panicking!
- Do you have a lot of sex?
- What the--
- They've got three weeks
- Hi!
- To meet and greet,
- Hey, guys.
- Wine and dine,
kiss or diss.
- It was disgusting!
- As many dates as possible.
- It was just awful.
- Before they must choose,
- I actually got
circumcised three weeks ago.
- Their perfect plus one.
Tonight, someone's having bants.
- Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.
- Someone's having rants.
- Bullshit, utter bullshit.
- As our celebs,
- She's handling your balls
already.
- Go,
- I look a bit sweaty now,
don't I?
- Dating!
- If I'm wearing a dress, I
can't show it.
- Ooh, er missus!
- Welcome to the
Celebrity Dating Agency,
the one stop love shop
for the famously single.
It's been a busy first week for
the celebs
as they went on date number
three.
Last night, Joey Essex's
date with Natalie looked hot,
but then went off the boil.
- Oh, mate you've got to come
and save me,
do you wanna pick me up or
something?
I'm on the sorriest date,
mate, this is terrible.
- Bit harsh, Joey.
Paisley went on a date with
Grant, but weren't blown away.
- Are you for real?
Worst date of my life and
I've only been on two.
- Come on,
third time lucky, Paisley.
And Charlotte was not happy
about her next date with--
- Jeavon!
No!
No.
Anyone but that rank hairy
beast.
- Yeah, the same
rank hairy beast you snogged
and now really fancy, Charlotte.
Morning, Tom!
- Morning, Tom.
- Oh, morning!
- How are you?
- Yes, great, oh babe, you look
lovely!
- Today the famous five
become the celebrity six as new
client,
Jack Jones, joins the agency.
23-year-old Jack is a world
famous YouTube prankster,
racking up 17 million views
for doing this sort of stuff.
- What the fuck is that?
- It's going faster!
- Apparently,
girls already love him,
ask this one.
- What a pranker.
Behave, Jack.
- Hello!
- Hello!
How you doing?
- Lovely to meet you.
- What's your name?
- Tom, I'm the receptionist.
- Tom.
Nice to meet you, can we get a
photo?
- Oh, of course you can.
How you doing, you okay?
Wiggle wiggle wiggle.
- Is this--
- Are you filming?
- That's so awkward.
- You're filming?
Now you see, I'm using my--
- It's because you're so
beautiful, that's why.
I had to get that
beautiful face on camera.
- Another one?
- Feel Thomas's muscles, feel
the muscles,
feel Thomas's muscles!
- You're not going to do
anything to me, are you?
- I'm feeling your muscles,
mate.
- Okay, well, that's fine,
that's fine.
I didn't realise that you could
be
a star really
via YouTube.
He reminded me so of Uncle
Albert from Mary Poppins.
- Mary Poppins' references, Tom?
It's not very YouTube, is it?
- That laugh that puts
him up on the ceiling,
it's very contagious.
- You look nice there, darling.
- Jack sits down
for a chat with Eden and Nadia.
Watch out for some wacky pranks.
- I might be a prankster,
but I'm still a young lad
looking for love.
- Do you think girls prejudge
internet prankster Jack Jones?
- Yeah, they expect like
this wild crazy character,
but in real life I'm kind of
like
just a chilled humble just
relaxed guy
who likes to just enjoy life.
- Yeah, of course you are, mate,
and I'm Mary Poppins.
- How many people like your
Facebook page?
- 3.4 million, something like
that.
- And you get sort of seven,
eight million
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Likes.
- It is pretty cool.
- And do you get girls
sort of hitting on you
on social media?
- Or just hitting you generally?
- Yeah, a few.
Just a couple, not too many at
all.
- Couple of million.
- I don't get asked out that
much
because of the videos I do,
but I want someone to get
to know the real Jack Jones
and not the Jack Jones
prankster, but you never know,
I'll probably still prank
them anyway.
- Who is your dream girl?
- You are.
- Do you wanna go?
- Go on our date, we're sorted.
Let's get rid of all this, let's
go.
- No but genuinely?
- Like Nicole Scherzinger.
Get her and I'll be sweet.
- Looks, personality?
- Yeah,
- Everything that she is?
Yeah, looks, told you, dark skin
or light skin, dark eyes or blue
eyes.
- So any
light-skinned, dark-skinned,
dark-eyed, blue-eyed girls who
like a chin tickle out there,
you could be in luck.
- How many people have you slept
with?
- That's a bit of a personal
question.
- You're at
a dating agency, mate.
- That's why we're here.
- Make it up like we all do.
Don't we, guys?
- I don't know, I don't feel
comfortable discussing that.
- No?
- How often do you have sex?
- Once every blue moon.
I don't wanna divulge any
information to you guys.
You might tell her.
- Jack's one tough client.
Hold on, Eden's had an idea.
- I'm gonna introduce,
bear with me,
this is Marlene.
- Okay.
- She's 24.
She models, she's got a
sociology degree.
What's your first impressions?
- Yeah, she's a beautiful girl.
- Oh, he's
only dropped the M bomb.
Joey Essex superfan,
Marlene, remember her?
- It's Joey Essex, my dream guy!
- Hello.
- Oh my fucking god!
He's my dream fucking guy.
- Travels a lot as well,
- Yeah.
- So she must have good
culture about herself.
Mixed race, Italian, Indian
heritage.
- Yeah.
- What Eden
hasn't told you, Jack,
is Marlene signed up to the
dating agency
for a date with Joey Essex,
but Joey declined her advances.
- They've done a sweet job,
she's hot, she's smart,
and she looks like a normal girl
as well,
which is kind of cool.
- Yeah, just a normal girl
obsessed with Joey Essex.
- I personally am not sure.
- Don't be jealous,
don't be hating on her.
Yeah she's hot, I can't see
why Nadia doesn't like her.
She's absolutely banging.
- I don't
know, nothing instantly
springs to mind.
- What the bloody hell are you
thinking?
- Listen, you're just gonna
have to trust me on this one.
- I mean, I trust you,
but it could be a huge
I told you so moment.
- Well, one of us is gonna
have one of those, certainly.
- And I hope it's me.
- Oh, stop it, you two.
- Made In Chelsea
Steph is back at the agency
to tell all about her date with
Ellis.
Do you remember?
The one where he talks
about his circumcision
and then let her pay the bill.
- Twenty stitches that all came
out.
Yeah.
- I,
So, by the sounds of it, you're
not gonna see Ellis again.
- Not even gonna text him.
- I'm still pretty
disappointed with Ellis.
I mean, he brought up that
procedure
and then, after that, I
still had to foot the bill.
- What a bell end.
Probably the wrong choice of
words.
Okay, so circumcised
yoga teachers are out,
but what else is a big no for
you, Steph?
- Model or a trainer,
or wants to be famous.
- Do you remember the mixer?
- Obviously.
- Because we would like to
send you on your next date
with Jack.
- I'm freaking out.
Jack is so hot, yes please.
- Tell me what you remember
about Jack.
- I didn't get to talk to him at
all
'cause Charlotte liked him.
- You kind of stood back and
let her take the lead on Jack,
which she didn't.
- She didn't follow through.
- He's like a good decent guy,
and we think that Jack could be
the man for you, potentially.
- I mean, everything on paper
better match, I think it's
gonna be a 50/50 date.
- Yeah.
It's gonna be very
comfortable, lots of fun,
a lot of conversation.
- What does he do?
- What does he do?
What does he do?
Come on!
- The one person she said
she didn't want to date
was a model.
Jack is a model, but he's
also a really great catch.
- I can't pull his
details up at the moment.
- It's just in front of you!
You've minimised it,
Eden, what are you doing?
Oh, so just the one thing
she definitely didn't want.
Still, be totally fine.
- Time to
check in with our Paisley.
Oh, Paisley looks well pissed
off.
Might have something to do with
this.
- Are you for real?
Hi, it's Paisley.
- Hi, Paisley!
- Babe!
- So, I'm gonna broach this with
you.
I hear that it wasn't wonderful.
- It was a nightmare.
- Why are you pulling faces?
- Do you really wanna be on
telly?
- I wouldn't mind being on
telly.
- It's like one of the biggest
turn-offs.
Oh, is it?
- As soon as you said that,
I'm just like, okay,
checked out a little bit,
I'll be honest.
- Okay, that's calm, la,
I never checked in to
start with so it's calm.
- You never checked in?
I've got a bone to pick
with them two upstairs.
- I've kissed so many frogs.
If it's that bad, then
the only way you can go
is up from there.
- I need to speak to Nadia and
Eden.
What were they thinking?
- Look at Eden and Nadia.
- Hello!
- Hello!
- You okay?
- No, not really, I'll be
honest.
- She's fuming.
This is not going to be good.
- What happened?
- Oh my god, it was the worst
date ever.
He was a nightmare,
but I just...
There were so many times when I
could have
just stood up and walked off,
or thrown a drink over him,
or started shouting.
- Wow!
- Like, it was that bad.
So that was my date, guys,
thanks a lot.
- I'm really disappointed to
hear that
because, on paper, I promise
you,
you guys ticked loads of boxes.
- I don't feel like on paper
is good enough though, really.
- It's a shame you had to go
through it,
but welcome to the world
of dating, Paisley.
- I'm losing confidence and I'm
upset,
but I'm not giving up.
I just can't take another
knock-back.
Find the complete opposite
of the dude I just went on a
date with
and we'll be cool.
- Describe what he'd be like.
- He'd be friendly, he wouldn't
insult me,
he wouldn't be real cold
and like on his phone
and like not paying attention.
That would be great.
- One warm person who can
have a conversation coming up.
If you can have faith in us,
let us try and prove to you that
we can.
- These two have only got one
more chance
to find me the man of my dreams.
- Yeah it's tough, but--
- Isn't it?
- You have to have bad dating
stories,
otherwise what are you going
to tell your grandkids?
- That I once signed
up to a shit dating agency?
- Bye, see you later.
- Wowser!
- She was angry, she was pissed!
Well, we've certainly
got our work cut out.
- Yeah.
- This is going to be much
harder than I thought.
- Dating agents Nadia and Eden
are on a mission to find
our single celebrities love
with one of you.
And it's not exactly going to
plan.
- Find the complete opposite
of the dude I just went on a
date with
and we'll be cool.
- They've resorted
to lying to model-hating Steph
about the fact her next date is
a model.
- What does he do?
- I can't pull his
details up at the moment.
- And in their
quest to find a girl for Jack,
who'll tolerate stuff like this,
- Eden thinks that
Joey Essex superfan Marlene,
- Oh my fucking god!
- Is the answer.
- This is Marlene.
- Okay.
- She's 24.
- But Nadia doesn't.
- What the bloody hell are you
thinking
putting him on a date with
Marlene?
- So he's
pulled her into the agency
to convince Nadia.
- We've got Marlene coming in.
- Yeah.
- We haven't seen her since the
mixer.
- So after
making a big impression,
- Oh my god!
Oh my fucking god, it's
my dream fucking date!
- Nadia and
Eden have called her in
to set her up with Jack.
- I just kind of think
that we'll bring her in now
and you'll see what she's like.
- I don't know, I'm not
convinced.
- Oh, come you, you two,
you know I hate it when you row.
- We hadn't spoken to you since
the mixer
and we wanted to kind of have
a little bit of a debrief
from you really.
- I think I had too much
prosecco.
- Do you reckon?
- I think I just drank
'cause I was nervous.
You have to kind of step
in and say "Hi, I'm here."
to get noticed.
- Boy, were you doing that!
- Yes.
- Oh my god, oh my god.
- I believe that there's a
different side to Marlene.
- I personally need a
bit of convincing still.
Would you like to go on a date
with Joey?
- Yes.
Joey Essex, he's cute.
It'd be nice to show him my
sober side.
- Well, that's
not happening, Mazza.
So cruel.
- There's someone that we kind
of,
that we wanna introduce you to.
That's a brand new client.
This is Jack Jones.
- What do you think of that?
Do you like the look of that so
far?
Gets three and a half
million Facebook likes.
He's got 30 million views
on one of his videos,
one of his posts.
Beyonce level, it's huge.
- 30 million?
It was seven mil this morning.
He must have pushed
someone else in the bush.
- Good choice.
- Let's see if it'll play.
- What are you doing?
I'm trying to get a gear.
- Get off my hand.
Nudges!
- Well, if she
wasn't convinced before,
- I hope he doesn't do that on a
date.
I'm gonna be crying.
- I think you'll be all right.
- Okay.
I think you've got a lot
to prove on this next date.
What do you anticipate for the
date?
- Hopefully I'll get his jokes.
And he'll get mine.
If you're boring, it's
just not gonna work.
- Now I'm excited.
Well, good luck.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Don't let me down.
- Thank you.
- We'll speak to you soon.
- Am I going down?
Bye!
- I'm not claiming the victory
now.
- She's a really sweet girl.
She's intelligent enough to
realise
where she went wrong.
- Do they have someone
up their sleeve for you?
- Joe Jones, Joe, Joe Jones.
- Oh, yes!
- It's Jack.
You're clearly over Joey then.
- I think you'll like him.
- I hope so, we'll see.
- Oh, fingers crossed.
- I would be surprised
if she doesn't get drunk.
- After that conversation,
she'll have one,
maybe, maybe two drinks, 'cause
she's not gonna let me down.
♪ You got the feeling
♪ I know you're there
- Across town, Steph arrives
for her date with model, Jack.
- You look lovely.
- Thank you, so do you.
- Thank you very much.
- Just don't ask
him what he does for a living
and you'll be fine.
- I mean he sounds perfect
as long as he's not a model.
- Oh, this could be awkward.
♪ You got the feeling
- Hiya, my name's Jack, I'm 26.
I do the occasional photo shoot.
Why would I like to date a
celebrity?
I reckon it would be an
experience in itself, so,
yeah, you never know
what could come of it.
And the celebrity I think
I'd like to date the most
would probably have to be Steph.
Obviously, she's hot
and I think she's nice,
and I'd like to get to know her
better.
- Do you live around here?
- I don't, I
actually live in Chelsea.
- Oh right, okay, after you.
- Thanks, where do you
live again?
- I live in Surrey.
- Please be that table.
Yeah.
- Oh yeah.
- So this table's ready for you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Great.
Would you like a glass of wine
or do you want something else?
- Jack, I like you.
Not sure about that
attention-seeking jacket,
but, oh my god, I'm so picky.
- So what have you been up to
today?
- Saw the agency.
- Yeah.
Oh cool, okay, you're with the
agency?
- Yeah.
- So why, so I've got to ask
then why,
why have you decided you suddenly
wanted to start, you know,
or why did you sign up
to it, why did you--
- Well, I hadn't been on
a date in eight months.
Eight months?
I need to ask why, I mean, a
gorgeous girl like yourself.
- He's really charming
and really handsome,
so this is more like it.
I had a really bad season
on Made In Chelsea.
- Yeah.
- And so every single night
I just wanted to stay home.
- That's a shame.
- Yeah.
My favourite, favourite thing
to do is just go to the cinema.
- Yeah?
I love going to the cinema,
but I like going on my own.
Is that weird?
- No.
- I'll break my exception of
the rule of going on my own.
You can take me and show me.
- I like how we have so much in
common,
and he's made so much effort
and also the fact that he's
hinting at a second date.
I really like that.
- So at the mixer, there was
a lot of big personalities there
and I think me and you
went and had a little chat
and then like those guys came
over and started talking.
I'm not the sort of
person to be competitive
and turn round and just be like
trying to assert my authority
and puff my chest out or
anything.
So I was just like cool, you
know what?
Hopefully I've made an
impression, which I did,
and therefore just let
things be how they are,
but so yeah, no, I'm glad,
I'm glad that you did,
so it's good.
So I need to ask you, how did
you,
how did you get into TV?
How did you get into doing
Made In Chelsea and--
- So, basically, I've just
kind of fallen into everything.
Which is great.
- That's good, yeah.
- It's been so fun.
So my brother, he had a show
called Princes of Malibu
with his best friends.
Who introduced Spencer, my
brother,
- Yeah.
- To someone named Heidi.
- Yeah.
- And then,
so my brother went on the show
The Hills.
- Yeah.
He basically just asked me to
come on
as one of Heidi's girlfriends.
- Okay.
- 'Cause she had fallen out
with her best friend on the
show.
- Sure, I kind of already knew
that you
were related and that sort of
thing, okay.
- Oh yeah, I have been
Spencer's little sister
my entire life.
Right, okay.
- He seems really genuine.
It looks like he wants to get to
know me.
He's asking me a lot of
questions about myself.
It's really refreshing.
- Aw, it seems
to be going pretty well.
Right, let's leave you two,
whilst we check in on Tyger.
For his second date, Tyger is
hoping
for a slightly more liberal
lady,
after his date with modern
day Christian, Somto.
- Yeah, I take my time.
Get to know someone first and
then,
six months down the line,
then I'm happy.
- Be careful
what you wish for, T-Dog.
- Six months?
Six?
- Oh my god, he's gonna fancy
the pants off of Jade.
- Yeah.
She's 24, it's a great age for
him.
- Yeah.
Hello!
- Hey, how are you?
You look awesome.
- Thank you.
- Sitting here today?
- Yeah!
- Oh, okay.
Going up in the world.
- Why not?
Well, blind date?
- Yeah, it's something I've
never done.
I think when I was going
on the date with Somto,
at least I'd met her.
I'm a bit more nervous about
tonight.
I'm interested to see what
you have in store for me.
- Well, I mean let's not hold
this back,
'cause I'm super excited about
it.
So,
this is Jade.
- She is really really fit.
- Are you salivating?
- I mean, I mean if
you weren't salivating,
don't you think that would
probably be more worrying?
- Yeah, good point, Tyger.
- So three reasons we think.
Intellectually, you're a good
match,
she's not conservative, like
Somto,
very sexually liberal,
and she's obviously got
a very interesting look.
- I'm so happy right now.
- Across town,
professional pain in the arse Jack
is at the barbers fixing up for
his date
with Joey Essex superfan
Marlene.
Yeah, can you do me a
Joey Essex look, please?
- You're not going to mess it
up, are you?
I've got a blind date tonight
mate,
so I need to be looking good
tonight, bro.
- I'll make you look sharp,
mate.
- Thank you very much, man.
I trust you, man, thank you.
My barber always gives me good
advice,
but I just don't want him to
give me his hairstyle.
From the picture, your type or?
- Yeah, I'm attracted to her.
She looks like a beautiful girl,
so.
- Good.
Are you nervous meeting her or?
How do you feel?
- Yeah a little bit, it's like--
- It does look
just like Joey's hair.
Has he been pranked by the
barber?
- My arse cheeks keep
clenching all the time,
that's how I can tell I'm
nervous.
- After a few drinks, yeah,
it'll calm your nerves down.
- Should be cool.
I'm sure she'll be feeling
nervous.
How's that feel?
Sharp and ready for your date.
- Feels amazing.
- Happy with that?
- Yeah, looking on point, mate.
You've done a good job.
See you later, man, take care.
- Looking good!
What woman could resist being
pushed in a bush by him?
- Yeah, she's absolutely
amazing.
I can't wait to see her.
- Back at the agency,
Tyger's finishing up with Nadia
and Eden.
- I think it's gonna be a good
date.
I think we'll have some fun.
Little bit nervous because
I've never met the girl,
but excited.
- This is a blind date.
- Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah.
- Yeah, good.
I hope you have a good time.
- Okay, brilliant, thanks guys.
- Cool.
See you!
- Good luck!
- Did they have something
up their sleeves for you?
- Yeah, they've got a girl for
me
to go on a date with called
Jade.
She looks very lovely and
we're gonna go bowling
this evening, so.
- I adore bowling!
So she's handling your balls
already.
- Oh stop it, Tommy!
Back on their date, Jack and
Steph
are still getting on like a
house on fire.
- Did you go to university or
anything?
- Yes.
- Where did you go to school?
Where did you go to university?
- I went to the American
University in Paris.
I don't know why I'm pointing
like it's right there.
- Oh, that one just, that one
over there?
- Yeah, that country.
- I think Nadia
and Eden might be right,
he seems like a catch.
- So did you just come
in from Surrey today?
- Yeah, came up this morning,
so, yeah, I was doing some,
had a casting this morning.
I model full time.
- A model.
You've got to be kidding me.
- Bollocks, I
didn't see that coming.
- I was doing casting for
Morrisons
and they needed, I rocked up,
and they didn't sort of
tell me what was going on,
and I just arrived and there
was loads of babies everywhere
and they called my name
and gave me a baby.
- Okay, I'm gonna let you
eat that,
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna run to the
rest room really fast.
- Yeah, you do your thing.
- Okay.
- I reckon Jack's thinking,
"god, she really hates
Morrisons."
- Hey Nadia, it's Steph.
- Hi Steph!
- Why did you do this to me?
- What?
- Why did you put me
on a date with a model?
- Oh, you poor thing,
having to date male models all
the time.
- Well, everything that
I wanted is not him.
The last thing that I want to do
is date another model.
I don't know if I can go back up
there.
- And another
busy day of match-making.
The agents have met YouTube
prankster Jack Jones.
- Feel the muscles!
- Steph's
legged it from her date
to call the emergency services.
- Nadia, everything that
I wanted is not him.
- Tyger's getting
ready for his date with Jade,
but can't decide what to wear.
- I really need to find some
trousers.
Oh, there's a pair of trousers,
they look shit though.
- Don't forget the wicker hat.
And after two dates,
- Can you eat with chopsticks?
- What, with soup?
- And an awkward conversation
with last date Natalie.
- I felt like you thought
I was trying to mug you off
a little bit and then
you like eye-rolled me.
- The agents are
trying to get to the bottom
of Joey Essex's type.
Good luck!
- And what type of girl are
you looking for at the moment?
- How do I explain?
Just, don't know, just
a girl with proper ping.
- Ping?
- Ping, like--
- Painting?
- Yes, he knows!
- Painting?
What?
- I tell you about it later.
- He knows.
- Yeah, ping, Nadia!
Don't you know what it means?
Seriously, what the fuck does
ping mean?
- Ping means sick, means
beautiful, means pretty,
means colourful, means pring.
It means well nice, all at the
same time.
- Back in the pub,
model Jack's still waiting for
Steph,
who's fuming with Nadia
because Jack's a model.
First world problems.
- Can you guys just not set
me up with any more models?
- Yeah.
- So the lying to Steph plan
backfired,
but the person I feel
most sorry for is Jack.
He's a total sweetheart.
100%, but do try.
- All right, cool.
Just look into those beautiful
blue eyes.
- They're green.
- Oh green eyes,
then, yeah, you see?
You've noticed that, that's a
good thing.
Get through to the true Jack,
engage him, ask him questions,
get away
from the bloody model subject.
- Okay.
- All right, good
luck, call me if you need me.
- Okay.
- Okay, bye darling.
- Get on that computer
of yours, look in that database.
I will, I'm on it now, babe.
- All right, thanks Nadia.
- Okay, bye!
- Bye.
- Bye bye.
- Bullshit, utter bullshit.
I need to go back up there and
end this as soon as possible.
I have no idea why the agents
would put me
in such a shit situation.
- I thought you,
I thought you'd done a runner
on me for a second.
- No!
- So I need to ask why,
why haven't you been on
a date for eight months?
This is baffling me considering
that--
- 'Cause everyone I meet is
either a model or an actor.
- Okay, is that really
bad that I'm a model?
Really?
Why?
But you've just got--
- When I was younger, all I
wanted to do was date models.
- Yeah?
- Who doesn't?
- Exactly, who doesn't? Yeah.
- Yeah who doesn't.
I just had really bad
experiences with them.
Okay, well, okay, well, maybe...
It's not...
- Everyone deserves a chance,
right?
I could be the one that proves
that they're actually not all
that bad.
- To be fair, Jack does seem
sincere
and I do like that he's
challenged me
on the whole model thing.
- Would you like to pay with
cash?
- I'll get this.
No, no, no, don't need to do
this.
- There we go.
- I really appreciate Jack
paying.
It was a very gentlemanly thing
to do,
so it's definitely a plus.
- Cool, nice one, all right.
- Okay.
- Are we going to see each other
again?
- Well, I have your number
the agency has given it to me.
- Oh, have they?
Okay, that's good to know.
- So, yeah, I'm gonna have a
think,
you know, my little hang-up,
- Yeah.
- But...
- Okay.
- I'll text you regardless.
Thank you for lunch!
- Aw, poor Jack.
I think he really liked Steph,
didn't he?
Oh look, and he's looked back.
That's meant to mean something,
innit?
- That was so hard.
- I like to think that I've
got other things going for me
except for just being a model,
so,
yeah, hopefully I've
proven that in the last,
hour and a half or whatever,
and maybe she'll look past that
and give me a second chance
to show her that I'm
actually just a normal guy,
that I just seem to model
for a living.
- Dating models in the past
has always ended in heartbreak.
They've either used me
to further their careers
or they've let me fall hard for
them
and then, have turned out to be
gay.
- I'd like to see her
again, I really would.
I think it'd be nice to, you
know,
I think we've got like the
niceties out of the way,
and got to know each other
on a sort of basic level.
Now I'd like to really
get to know her properly,
and maybe let my hair down
with her at some point
in the future, so, yeah, I hope
she calls.
- I'm not gonna get my heart
broken by another model.
- In the agency, Nadia and Eden
are still trying to get to the
bottom of Joey's dating needs
with a classic question: head or
penis?
- When you're out at the moment,
though,
do you go with your head or your
penis,
when it comes to girls?
- Head.
I don't like go around
sleeping with loads of girls.
- No, but I mean like when you
see a girl,
do you see her and think to
yourself
she ticks these boxes
or does your penis lead
going, "Oh she's a salt,
wahay, get in there!"
- Hang on a minute,
are they supposed to talk?
- I mean I'd go, yeah,
she's a salt, she's a salt,
but my head would be saying,
"Look how thick she is, and
this, and this, and this."
but the last thing I think
about is sleeping with the girl.
- TV actor Tyger is on his way
to meet make-up artist Jade.
After his date with Somto and
her six month no-sex rule,
Tyger definitely knows what
he's looking for in a date.
- From what they've told me,
she is quite a liberal person.
So I think they think that we're
gonna be
similar in that sense.
- I would like to say that I go,
I go for the three date
rule, but sometimes,
especially if there's alcohol
involved,
you can't go for the three date
rule,
'cause you end up just
getting shit faced and things,
like, you lose all your
inhibitions.
- If you've had a few dates with
someone,
and you both really like each
other,
you just will end up having sex.
That's how people work.
- Sex is everywhere.
It's a dead taboo subject
and you'll get people
who are prudes who are like,
"Oh, no, sex,
"can't talk about sex."
But I'm just there like, you may
as well,
because everyone's doing it.
Your mom's doing it, your dad's
doing it,
everyone's doing it.
- My mum and
dad aren't doing it,
absolutely not, disgusting.
Looks like Tyger could
be onto a winner here.
- I'm really excited about
meeting Jade
and on top of that, she
definitely does look
very pretty from her picture.
- I would like to date a
celebrity
mainly just for the crack.
Just to see how the other half
live.
I think it would be
really funny just to see
if they do get like really
nervous
and really like shocked and
awkward.
Love awkward situations,
think they're dead funny.
- Hello, Jade, how are you?
- I'm fine, thank you, how are
you?
- I'm Tyger, nice to meet you.
- You too.
- To be honest, I do find
Jade less attractive in person
than I found her picture,
and I know that sounds bad so
I'm sorry.
Hiya!
- What do you want to drink?
- Well, I'll have a pint
of diet coke, please.
- Can I have a milkshake
that's got bourbon in it?
- A milkshake with bourbon in
it?
- Bourbon?
- Oh, the old
classic milkshake and bourbon,
I'll have to remember that next
time
I'm down the Queens Head.
- How long have you
been drinking that for?
- Since I was about 13.
- Bourbon in her milkshake.
That's a pretty strong
milkshake,
and I'm not judging,
but this could probably
be quite interesting.
- Yeah.
- So what do you like
to do on your free time
other than obviously bowling?
- Drink.
Are you going to pass out if you
try this,
'cause it's got bourbon in it?
- I don't drink very often.
- Meanwhile,
Jack's cracked open a beer
while waiting for his date with
Joey Essex superfan Marlene.
- She's fit, she's hot, just
how that agency described her.
I'm well up for this, can't
wait.
- Hiya.
- Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
- How you doing?
- I'm okay.
- How you doing, you all right?
- Yeah, I'm good, how are you?
- I'm good.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
You look nice.
- Thank you.
- You look better than me.
- Obviously, that's not hard, is
it?
I'm joking!
- That was a bit out of order
for the first bit of
conversation.
- I heard you're a funny guy so,
- Yeah?
- I need to step my jokes up.
- Nice.
You've seen the videos, have
you?
- I saw, I've seen one.
- It's amazing that she's
seen one of my videos
and still turned up for
the date, it's pretty sick.
- Can I have a really
small glass of white wine?
- White wine?
Okay.
- Get drunk quite quick then?
- Sorry?
- Can't handle your wine?
- Definitely not.
When I'm drunk, I'm an absolute
idiot.
- Really? I hadn't
noticed.
- Oh my god!
Oh my god, he's my dream fucking
guy.
Just one drink limit, that's it.
- So why did you want to
come on a date anyway,
Marlene, with me?
- I think, like I said to the
agency
that I would like to go on a
date with someone that's funny
so I didn't realise
they'd put me on a date
with the most funniest guy in
Britain.
- Oh, thank you so much for
that.
That's a compliment any day.
Is she trying to prank me?
This is one of the sickest
dates I've been on ever.
So where are you from?
- Peterborough.
- Petersborough?
- No, Peterborough.
- Peterborough?
- No, Peterborough, there's no
S.
Just Peter Borough.
- Up north?
- That's Peter
Borough, Peterborough.
Steph was devastated when she
found out
about Jack's dirty little
secret.
- Is that really bad that I'm a
model?
Everyone deserves a chance,
right?
- Except male models.
Tyger has started his
first ever blind date
and just found out Jade
loves Jack, Daniels.
- Can I have a milkshake
that's got bourbon in it?
- Bourbon?
- Joey's on a celeb photo shoot
and just discovered his
own superfan Marlene
is on a date with
internet prankster, Jack.
- Good luck, mate.
- And it seems Jack
isn't so different from Joey.
- Where are you from?
- Peterborough.
- Petersborough?
- No, Peterborough.
- Petersborough?
- No, Peterborough there's no S.
Just Peter Borough.
- Up north?
- That's Peter
Borough, Peterborough.
And Charlotte and Paisley
aren't dating until tomorrow,
so they're having a girly
night in with Steph.
- I may have not found a good
guy,
but if all else fails,
I've got my two besties,
Pais and Charlotte,
and we can just all live together
in a nice little nunnery.
- Right, hold on a second,
'cause we haven't spoke
about if we see someone we like.
- We know what
Charlotte's gonna do,
she's gonna kiss them.
- You don't have to kiss them.
Wait till it's your king
and you're their queen!
- Oh mum, that was really cute!
- It's just what you did with
sex, you could kiss anyone!
- Oh god!
- And then you wait to
have sex with the king?
- I'm cringing right now.
Charlotte Crosby is talking
about sex
with my mum in my bedroom.
My mum doesn't even want
me to kiss on camera.
- So do you think that
Paisley and her friends
will be able to get rid of my
tattoo?
I don't want another one, I
just want to get rid of it.
- Which one?
- This one, it's my ex
boyfriend's initial
on the back of my arm.
- Oh you didn't!
Never a man's name, don't do it.
- I know, I was such an idiot.
- Don't do it!
- I was still drunk.
Have you ever done
anything like that, Steph?
- I'm wearing a dress, I can't
show it.
What, is it on your vagina?
- Oh, exclusive
celebrity vagina news!
- Yes, I have
a tattoo on my vagina,
but no one's gonna see that,
because all of my dates have
been shit,
so we're good.
Moving on.
- She's got a tattoo on her
nonnie!
- Oh my god,
have you actually, Steph?
- I was 17.
- How am I just
finding this out?
- What is it of?
- A cross on my vagina.
- Let's see
how Jack's first date
with Marlene's going.
- What are mussels?
- Don't you know what mussels
are?
- No.
- They're like in a little
shell.
- Yeah, I know they're in a
shell,
but what do they taste like?
- Have you ever had them?
- No, I haven't really like
tasted a lot of seafood at all.
The only kind of seafood
I've tasted is smoked salmon.
That's all I've tasted.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Great, fish chat out the way,
it's time for Jack to show
Marlene he's got game.
- Do you play Pokemon at all?
- Not that game.
- No.
- You don't?
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Oh, I don't know.
- I'm on level 13, I'm killing
the game.
- Cool, man.
Do you know what?
I've got nothing against
it, I just don't play it.
- Why not?
- Just a bit busy.
- A bit busy?
- Yeah.
- When I'm with a girl, I
like to have a bit of banter
and just be a bit laddish.
Like do you believe in
sleeping with people
on the first night?
- No, not, no, no, no,
I would never like kiss on the
first date,
because you have to have
feeling.
- Or a couple of shots.
My drug.
I'm joking.
- Couple of shots.
Oh, sweet.
- Oh god!
- Looks like Jack and Marlene
are getting on nicely.
- You haven't seen my videos.
- Tyger's hoping
to strike it lucky with Jade,
and, as usual, he's pulling
out some of his best chat.
- What year were you born in?
- 1993.
Dude, I know this sounds dead
weird,
but do you ever sometimes
think about when you were born?
And then, think nine months
before
that your parents had sex and
then get dead grossed out?
- My parents are something
I've talked about a lot,
and I don't particularly enjoy
talking about it anymore.
It just feels like such
a slog, like
not this again.
I've had to think about
my parents having sex
probably more than most, so.
- Let's see if Jack's progressed
from mussels to clams.
- What are you doing?
- I've got something in
my tooth, I can feel it.
- Oh dear, you're not
gonna use a knife, are you?
- Yeah.
- He had a spoon like
this and he had a knife,
and he put it to his mouth and
he said,
"Oh, I've got something
stuck in my tooth."
Like, you don't say that on a
date,
like it's not very smooth.
- I'm not sure this
is what you should be doing
on a first date, Jack.
It's like a back street dentist.
- Are you pranking me?
- To be fair, I use a javelin.
- I'm not taking a photo of you?
- I thought you're pranking me.
- No, I was actually getting
something out of my tooth.
- Don't worry, Marlene.
There's no bushes nearby.
Oh, hang on, there's one there.
- Why do girls think I'm
pranking them all the time?
Can't a guy like pick his teeth
in peace?
- Back to the diner now
where Jade's still on
Tyger's favourite topic,
his porn star parents.
- I bet that was a dead fun
childhood.
- It was, it was wicked.
- I do wish more girls
I met had her attitude.
I think she's really, really
open minded
in the same way that I am.
A lot of people think it was
like,
you know, like really seedy and
whatever,
but memories of like
these Christmas parties
where all these like porn
stars would come over
and buy me like amazing presents
and--
- Did Seemore Butts come?
- No, he didn't.
- 'Cause I definitely
would have got him to sign
something.
- I think it's pretty cool that
she's able
to name porn stars, I don't
think I've ever been on a date
with someone who is
able to name porn stars.
Do you watch porn?
- Yeah.
Who doesn't watch porn?
- Well, I don't know, I think a
lot,
I think the perception that guys
have
is that a lot of girls don't.
I think they know that some
girls do.
- More girls watch porn than
would admit to watching porn.
- A lot of porn is kind
of aimed towards men
in the way it's shot
and produced and stuff.
The one second out of
thirty that they go back
to the guy's face from the
girl's face,
just happens to be the moment I
come,
and it's like, oh my god, like,
I just looked at that guy's
face.
Sometimes the moment you
ejaculate
is the moment it cuts back
to the ugly man's face,
and it's like
why couldn't I have come
when I was looking at the
woman's tits?
- Don't worry, mate.
We've all been there on a first
date,
talking about come faces.
- So do you have any other
piercings other than your navel?
- I also have both nipples
pierced.
- Do you?
- Yeah.
- Right, I bet that's a painful
one.
- Easy, Tyger.
- It's not that painful.
- I'm not sure how I feel about
nipple piercings actually.
I think they kind of get
in the way of the nipple.
Nipples are nice.
And if you've got pieces of
metal in them,
I feel like they're less
hygienic to suck on.
I don't think I'll be getting
my Prince Albert done any time
soon.
- You'd have two piss holes.
Like, imagine taking it
out and then trying to pee.
- Is that how it works?
Surely they don't go through
your urethra, do they?
- In and out.
- Think about it, Tyger.
- So it goes like in and
then comes out like a hook.
- Has she finished talking yet?
- Do you question ever
if you're bi-curious?
- I definitely identify as
straight,
but maybe some day with
someone, I might be.
I haven't done anything with a
boy,
though, you know.
I don't really wanna
rule out the possibility
that, you know, like love is
love
and at some point later in my
life,
this guy might come into my
life that whisks me off my feet.
Did I just make her think I
might be gay?
'Cause I'm an idiot really,
aren't I?
Personality-wise we got
on like a house on fire.
I think the dating agency
did really good matching us.
- My date with Tyger, like I do
like him,
but just 'cause he's
got porn star parents,
he could also be really shit
in bed, at the same time.
- I really fancied her picture,
but, in person, didn't actually
fancy her.
I feel a bit shit saying
that, but I just didn't.
- Oh well,
hopefully Jack and Marlene
are getting on better, despite
Jack being a massive pranker.
- So have you ever been to
another mixer?
- Have I ever been to a mixer?
- Yeah.
- Yeah I did.
I went--
- You have?
Yeah.
Really?
- What, sorry?
- Why?
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- Why did you say that so
aggressively?
- Surprised.
What?
Why didn't Eden and Nadia let me
know
that Marlene went to the mixer?
- So I just drank so much, I
can't really remember much.
- That's why you're not drinking
tonight.
- No, I'm not drinking ever
again
for the rest of my life.
- You're like,
I'm not doing that again.
- I'm not drinking again.
Probably annoyed everyone,
probably annoyed everyone.
I was probably like the most
annoying person in the world.
- Did you meet the guy though?
- Yeah.
- What was his impression?
- He ran away from me, he was
scared,
like he was shit scared of me.
- Really?
- He was like a proper weirdo,
yeah.
It's all right, I don't blame
him.
- Who was it?
- Joey Essex.
- That's it, Marlene.
Bring up the fellow you
actually want to date on a date.
- I scared him.
- No!
- I scared him so much.
Oh dear, I must apologise.
Why is she going on about
Joey Essex all the time?
I feel like we're in
competition.
This is cringing me out.
Sounds like you had the time of
your life.
Sounds amazing.
I feel like she'd rather
be on a date with Joey,
like it's a massive turn-off.
- I ain't so fussed on him.
I felt like a little bit
friend-zoned.
Have you got everything?
- Good, yeah.
- Thank you so much, thank you.
- You're welcome, take care.
- Next time--
- I thought
he was going to kiss her.
- I like Marlene, she's a
beautiful girl,
but I'm going to keep my
options open for more dates.
So that's the plan.
- Take care then.
See you later!
Bye!
- Take care, bye bye.
I feel like I was putting in
more effort.
At least, I was talking
about relevant things,
interesting things.
- So despite
Marlene being his perfect type,
it seems Jack is not settling
for anyone's second best.
Oh well, plenty more mussels in
the sea.
And if not, there's probably
a Pickachou around the corner.
Tomorrow night, someone's
getting aggy.
- He said I'm a slag.
- And someone's feeling saucy.
- Tongued the shit out of her.
- As our Celebs,
- Nice!
- Go,
- Is it bigger than
that piece of sandwich?
- Dating!
- Do you want to pick my fluff?
these famous dating disasters
are looking for love.
Joey Essex!
- I really wanna meet a salt,
and that's why I'm here.
- Stephanie Pratt!
- I don't want guys to
think that if they date me
I'm gonna bring them on
TV and they'll be famous.
- Paisley Billings!
- I've never been in
love so I need the agents
to find me someone who
I can be myself with
and learn to love.
- Tyger Drew-Honey!
- My parents worked in the porn
industry.
What difference does that make?
- Jack Jones!
- I'm here looking for love.
- And Charlotte Crosby!
- I want unicorns, I want
butterflies,
I want fairytale love.
- They've signed up
to E4's Celebrity Dating
Agency to find the one.
- Scared in case you see my
vagina.
- But, in their
search for a soulmate,
these celebs aren't dating
famous people.
- It just don't seem to work.
- They're dating
you!
- Oh my fucking god!
- Stop panicking!
- Do you have a lot of sex?
- What the--
- They've got three weeks
- Hi!
- To meet and greet,
- Hey, guys.
- Wine and dine,
kiss or diss.
- It was disgusting!
- As many dates as possible.
- It was just awful.
- Before they must choose,
- I actually got
circumcised three weeks ago.
- Their perfect plus one.
Tonight, someone's having bants.
- Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.
- Someone's having rants.
- Bullshit, utter bullshit.
- As our celebs,
- She's handling your balls
already.
- Go,
- I look a bit sweaty now,
don't I?
- Dating!
- If I'm wearing a dress, I
can't show it.
- Ooh, er missus!
- Welcome to the
Celebrity Dating Agency,
the one stop love shop
for the famously single.
It's been a busy first week for
the celebs
as they went on date number
three.
Last night, Joey Essex's
date with Natalie looked hot,
but then went off the boil.
- Oh, mate you've got to come
and save me,
do you wanna pick me up or
something?
I'm on the sorriest date,
mate, this is terrible.
- Bit harsh, Joey.
Paisley went on a date with
Grant, but weren't blown away.
- Are you for real?
Worst date of my life and
I've only been on two.
- Come on,
third time lucky, Paisley.
And Charlotte was not happy
about her next date with--
- Jeavon!
No!
No.
Anyone but that rank hairy
beast.
- Yeah, the same
rank hairy beast you snogged
and now really fancy, Charlotte.
Morning, Tom!
- Morning, Tom.
- Oh, morning!
- How are you?
- Yes, great, oh babe, you look
lovely!
- Today the famous five
become the celebrity six as new
client,
Jack Jones, joins the agency.
23-year-old Jack is a world
famous YouTube prankster,
racking up 17 million views
for doing this sort of stuff.
- What the fuck is that?
- It's going faster!
- Apparently,
girls already love him,
ask this one.
- What a pranker.
Behave, Jack.
- Hello!
- Hello!
How you doing?
- Lovely to meet you.
- What's your name?
- Tom, I'm the receptionist.
- Tom.
Nice to meet you, can we get a
photo?
- Oh, of course you can.
How you doing, you okay?
Wiggle wiggle wiggle.
- Is this--
- Are you filming?
- That's so awkward.
- You're filming?
Now you see, I'm using my--
- It's because you're so
beautiful, that's why.
I had to get that
beautiful face on camera.
- Another one?
- Feel Thomas's muscles, feel
the muscles,
feel Thomas's muscles!
- You're not going to do
anything to me, are you?
- I'm feeling your muscles,
mate.
- Okay, well, that's fine,
that's fine.
I didn't realise that you could
be
a star really
via YouTube.
He reminded me so of Uncle
Albert from Mary Poppins.
- Mary Poppins' references, Tom?
It's not very YouTube, is it?
- That laugh that puts
him up on the ceiling,
it's very contagious.
- You look nice there, darling.
- Jack sits down
for a chat with Eden and Nadia.
Watch out for some wacky pranks.
- I might be a prankster,
but I'm still a young lad
looking for love.
- Do you think girls prejudge
internet prankster Jack Jones?
- Yeah, they expect like
this wild crazy character,
but in real life I'm kind of
like
just a chilled humble just
relaxed guy
who likes to just enjoy life.
- Yeah, of course you are, mate,
and I'm Mary Poppins.
- How many people like your
Facebook page?
- 3.4 million, something like
that.
- And you get sort of seven,
eight million
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Likes.
- It is pretty cool.
- And do you get girls
sort of hitting on you
on social media?
- Or just hitting you generally?
- Yeah, a few.
Just a couple, not too many at
all.
- Couple of million.
- I don't get asked out that
much
because of the videos I do,
but I want someone to get
to know the real Jack Jones
and not the Jack Jones
prankster, but you never know,
I'll probably still prank
them anyway.
- Who is your dream girl?
- You are.
- Do you wanna go?
- Go on our date, we're sorted.
Let's get rid of all this, let's
go.
- No but genuinely?
- Like Nicole Scherzinger.
Get her and I'll be sweet.
- Looks, personality?
- Yeah,
- Everything that she is?
Yeah, looks, told you, dark skin
or light skin, dark eyes or blue
eyes.
- So any
light-skinned, dark-skinned,
dark-eyed, blue-eyed girls who
like a chin tickle out there,
you could be in luck.
- How many people have you slept
with?
- That's a bit of a personal
question.
- You're at
a dating agency, mate.
- That's why we're here.
- Make it up like we all do.
Don't we, guys?
- I don't know, I don't feel
comfortable discussing that.
- No?
- How often do you have sex?
- Once every blue moon.
I don't wanna divulge any
information to you guys.
You might tell her.
- Jack's one tough client.
Hold on, Eden's had an idea.
- I'm gonna introduce,
bear with me,
this is Marlene.
- Okay.
- She's 24.
She models, she's got a
sociology degree.
What's your first impressions?
- Yeah, she's a beautiful girl.
- Oh, he's
only dropped the M bomb.
Joey Essex superfan,
Marlene, remember her?
- It's Joey Essex, my dream guy!
- Hello.
- Oh my fucking god!
He's my dream fucking guy.
- Travels a lot as well,
- Yeah.
- So she must have good
culture about herself.
Mixed race, Italian, Indian
heritage.
- Yeah.
- What Eden
hasn't told you, Jack,
is Marlene signed up to the
dating agency
for a date with Joey Essex,
but Joey declined her advances.
- They've done a sweet job,
she's hot, she's smart,
and she looks like a normal girl
as well,
which is kind of cool.
- Yeah, just a normal girl
obsessed with Joey Essex.
- I personally am not sure.
- Don't be jealous,
don't be hating on her.
Yeah she's hot, I can't see
why Nadia doesn't like her.
She's absolutely banging.
- I don't
know, nothing instantly
springs to mind.
- What the bloody hell are you
thinking?
- Listen, you're just gonna
have to trust me on this one.
- I mean, I trust you,
but it could be a huge
I told you so moment.
- Well, one of us is gonna
have one of those, certainly.
- And I hope it's me.
- Oh, stop it, you two.
- Made In Chelsea
Steph is back at the agency
to tell all about her date with
Ellis.
Do you remember?
The one where he talks
about his circumcision
and then let her pay the bill.
- Twenty stitches that all came
out.
Yeah.
- I,
So, by the sounds of it, you're
not gonna see Ellis again.
- Not even gonna text him.
- I'm still pretty
disappointed with Ellis.
I mean, he brought up that
procedure
and then, after that, I
still had to foot the bill.
- What a bell end.
Probably the wrong choice of
words.
Okay, so circumcised
yoga teachers are out,
but what else is a big no for
you, Steph?
- Model or a trainer,
or wants to be famous.
- Do you remember the mixer?
- Obviously.
- Because we would like to
send you on your next date
with Jack.
- I'm freaking out.
Jack is so hot, yes please.
- Tell me what you remember
about Jack.
- I didn't get to talk to him at
all
'cause Charlotte liked him.
- You kind of stood back and
let her take the lead on Jack,
which she didn't.
- She didn't follow through.
- He's like a good decent guy,
and we think that Jack could be
the man for you, potentially.
- I mean, everything on paper
better match, I think it's
gonna be a 50/50 date.
- Yeah.
It's gonna be very
comfortable, lots of fun,
a lot of conversation.
- What does he do?
- What does he do?
What does he do?
Come on!
- The one person she said
she didn't want to date
was a model.
Jack is a model, but he's
also a really great catch.
- I can't pull his
details up at the moment.
- It's just in front of you!
You've minimised it,
Eden, what are you doing?
Oh, so just the one thing
she definitely didn't want.
Still, be totally fine.
- Time to
check in with our Paisley.
Oh, Paisley looks well pissed
off.
Might have something to do with
this.
- Are you for real?
Hi, it's Paisley.
- Hi, Paisley!
- Babe!
- So, I'm gonna broach this with
you.
I hear that it wasn't wonderful.
- It was a nightmare.
- Why are you pulling faces?
- Do you really wanna be on
telly?
- I wouldn't mind being on
telly.
- It's like one of the biggest
turn-offs.
Oh, is it?
- As soon as you said that,
I'm just like, okay,
checked out a little bit,
I'll be honest.
- Okay, that's calm, la,
I never checked in to
start with so it's calm.
- You never checked in?
I've got a bone to pick
with them two upstairs.
- I've kissed so many frogs.
If it's that bad, then
the only way you can go
is up from there.
- I need to speak to Nadia and
Eden.
What were they thinking?
- Look at Eden and Nadia.
- Hello!
- Hello!
- You okay?
- No, not really, I'll be
honest.
- She's fuming.
This is not going to be good.
- What happened?
- Oh my god, it was the worst
date ever.
He was a nightmare,
but I just...
There were so many times when I
could have
just stood up and walked off,
or thrown a drink over him,
or started shouting.
- Wow!
- Like, it was that bad.
So that was my date, guys,
thanks a lot.
- I'm really disappointed to
hear that
because, on paper, I promise
you,
you guys ticked loads of boxes.
- I don't feel like on paper
is good enough though, really.
- It's a shame you had to go
through it,
but welcome to the world
of dating, Paisley.
- I'm losing confidence and I'm
upset,
but I'm not giving up.
I just can't take another
knock-back.
Find the complete opposite
of the dude I just went on a
date with
and we'll be cool.
- Describe what he'd be like.
- He'd be friendly, he wouldn't
insult me,
he wouldn't be real cold
and like on his phone
and like not paying attention.
That would be great.
- One warm person who can
have a conversation coming up.
If you can have faith in us,
let us try and prove to you that
we can.
- These two have only got one
more chance
to find me the man of my dreams.
- Yeah it's tough, but--
- Isn't it?
- You have to have bad dating
stories,
otherwise what are you going
to tell your grandkids?
- That I once signed
up to a shit dating agency?
- Bye, see you later.
- Wowser!
- She was angry, she was pissed!
Well, we've certainly
got our work cut out.
- Yeah.
- This is going to be much
harder than I thought.
- Dating agents Nadia and Eden
are on a mission to find
our single celebrities love
with one of you.
And it's not exactly going to
plan.
- Find the complete opposite
of the dude I just went on a
date with
and we'll be cool.
- They've resorted
to lying to model-hating Steph
about the fact her next date is
a model.
- What does he do?
- I can't pull his
details up at the moment.
- And in their
quest to find a girl for Jack,
who'll tolerate stuff like this,
- Eden thinks that
Joey Essex superfan Marlene,
- Oh my fucking god!
- Is the answer.
- This is Marlene.
- Okay.
- She's 24.
- But Nadia doesn't.
- What the bloody hell are you
thinking
putting him on a date with
Marlene?
- So he's
pulled her into the agency
to convince Nadia.
- We've got Marlene coming in.
- Yeah.
- We haven't seen her since the
mixer.
- So after
making a big impression,
- Oh my god!
Oh my fucking god, it's
my dream fucking date!
- Nadia and
Eden have called her in
to set her up with Jack.
- I just kind of think
that we'll bring her in now
and you'll see what she's like.
- I don't know, I'm not
convinced.
- Oh, come you, you two,
you know I hate it when you row.
- We hadn't spoken to you since
the mixer
and we wanted to kind of have
a little bit of a debrief
from you really.
- I think I had too much
prosecco.
- Do you reckon?
- I think I just drank
'cause I was nervous.
You have to kind of step
in and say "Hi, I'm here."
to get noticed.
- Boy, were you doing that!
- Yes.
- Oh my god, oh my god.
- I believe that there's a
different side to Marlene.
- I personally need a
bit of convincing still.
Would you like to go on a date
with Joey?
- Yes.
Joey Essex, he's cute.
It'd be nice to show him my
sober side.
- Well, that's
not happening, Mazza.
So cruel.
- There's someone that we kind
of,
that we wanna introduce you to.
That's a brand new client.
This is Jack Jones.
- What do you think of that?
Do you like the look of that so
far?
Gets three and a half
million Facebook likes.
He's got 30 million views
on one of his videos,
one of his posts.
Beyonce level, it's huge.
- 30 million?
It was seven mil this morning.
He must have pushed
someone else in the bush.
- Good choice.
- Let's see if it'll play.
- What are you doing?
I'm trying to get a gear.
- Get off my hand.
Nudges!
- Well, if she
wasn't convinced before,
- I hope he doesn't do that on a
date.
I'm gonna be crying.
- I think you'll be all right.
- Okay.
I think you've got a lot
to prove on this next date.
What do you anticipate for the
date?
- Hopefully I'll get his jokes.
And he'll get mine.
If you're boring, it's
just not gonna work.
- Now I'm excited.
Well, good luck.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Don't let me down.
- Thank you.
- We'll speak to you soon.
- Am I going down?
Bye!
- I'm not claiming the victory
now.
- She's a really sweet girl.
She's intelligent enough to
realise
where she went wrong.
- Do they have someone
up their sleeve for you?
- Joe Jones, Joe, Joe Jones.
- Oh, yes!
- It's Jack.
You're clearly over Joey then.
- I think you'll like him.
- I hope so, we'll see.
- Oh, fingers crossed.
- I would be surprised
if she doesn't get drunk.
- After that conversation,
she'll have one,
maybe, maybe two drinks, 'cause
she's not gonna let me down.
♪ You got the feeling
♪ I know you're there
- Across town, Steph arrives
for her date with model, Jack.
- You look lovely.
- Thank you, so do you.
- Thank you very much.
- Just don't ask
him what he does for a living
and you'll be fine.
- I mean he sounds perfect
as long as he's not a model.
- Oh, this could be awkward.
♪ You got the feeling
- Hiya, my name's Jack, I'm 26.
I do the occasional photo shoot.
Why would I like to date a
celebrity?
I reckon it would be an
experience in itself, so,
yeah, you never know
what could come of it.
And the celebrity I think
I'd like to date the most
would probably have to be Steph.
Obviously, she's hot
and I think she's nice,
and I'd like to get to know her
better.
- Do you live around here?
- I don't, I
actually live in Chelsea.
- Oh right, okay, after you.
- Thanks, where do you
live again?
- I live in Surrey.
- Please be that table.
Yeah.
- Oh yeah.
- So this table's ready for you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Great.
Would you like a glass of wine
or do you want something else?
- Jack, I like you.
Not sure about that
attention-seeking jacket,
but, oh my god, I'm so picky.
- So what have you been up to
today?
- Saw the agency.
- Yeah.
Oh cool, okay, you're with the
agency?
- Yeah.
- So why, so I've got to ask
then why,
why have you decided you suddenly
wanted to start, you know,
or why did you sign up
to it, why did you--
- Well, I hadn't been on
a date in eight months.
Eight months?
I need to ask why, I mean, a
gorgeous girl like yourself.
- He's really charming
and really handsome,
so this is more like it.
I had a really bad season
on Made In Chelsea.
- Yeah.
- And so every single night
I just wanted to stay home.
- That's a shame.
- Yeah.
My favourite, favourite thing
to do is just go to the cinema.
- Yeah?
I love going to the cinema,
but I like going on my own.
Is that weird?
- No.
- I'll break my exception of
the rule of going on my own.
You can take me and show me.
- I like how we have so much in
common,
and he's made so much effort
and also the fact that he's
hinting at a second date.
I really like that.
- So at the mixer, there was
a lot of big personalities there
and I think me and you
went and had a little chat
and then like those guys came
over and started talking.
I'm not the sort of
person to be competitive
and turn round and just be like
trying to assert my authority
and puff my chest out or
anything.
So I was just like cool, you
know what?
Hopefully I've made an
impression, which I did,
and therefore just let
things be how they are,
but so yeah, no, I'm glad,
I'm glad that you did,
so it's good.
So I need to ask you, how did
you,
how did you get into TV?
How did you get into doing
Made In Chelsea and--
- So, basically, I've just
kind of fallen into everything.
Which is great.
- That's good, yeah.
- It's been so fun.
So my brother, he had a show
called Princes of Malibu
with his best friends.
Who introduced Spencer, my
brother,
- Yeah.
- To someone named Heidi.
- Yeah.
- And then,
so my brother went on the show
The Hills.
- Yeah.
He basically just asked me to
come on
as one of Heidi's girlfriends.
- Okay.
- 'Cause she had fallen out
with her best friend on the
show.
- Sure, I kind of already knew
that you
were related and that sort of
thing, okay.
- Oh yeah, I have been
Spencer's little sister
my entire life.
Right, okay.
- He seems really genuine.
It looks like he wants to get to
know me.
He's asking me a lot of
questions about myself.
It's really refreshing.
- Aw, it seems
to be going pretty well.
Right, let's leave you two,
whilst we check in on Tyger.
For his second date, Tyger is
hoping
for a slightly more liberal
lady,
after his date with modern
day Christian, Somto.
- Yeah, I take my time.
Get to know someone first and
then,
six months down the line,
then I'm happy.
- Be careful
what you wish for, T-Dog.
- Six months?
Six?
- Oh my god, he's gonna fancy
the pants off of Jade.
- Yeah.
She's 24, it's a great age for
him.
- Yeah.
Hello!
- Hey, how are you?
You look awesome.
- Thank you.
- Sitting here today?
- Yeah!
- Oh, okay.
Going up in the world.
- Why not?
Well, blind date?
- Yeah, it's something I've
never done.
I think when I was going
on the date with Somto,
at least I'd met her.
I'm a bit more nervous about
tonight.
I'm interested to see what
you have in store for me.
- Well, I mean let's not hold
this back,
'cause I'm super excited about
it.
So,
this is Jade.
- She is really really fit.
- Are you salivating?
- I mean, I mean if
you weren't salivating,
don't you think that would
probably be more worrying?
- Yeah, good point, Tyger.
- So three reasons we think.
Intellectually, you're a good
match,
she's not conservative, like
Somto,
very sexually liberal,
and she's obviously got
a very interesting look.
- I'm so happy right now.
- Across town,
professional pain in the arse Jack
is at the barbers fixing up for
his date
with Joey Essex superfan
Marlene.
Yeah, can you do me a
Joey Essex look, please?
- You're not going to mess it
up, are you?
I've got a blind date tonight
mate,
so I need to be looking good
tonight, bro.
- I'll make you look sharp,
mate.
- Thank you very much, man.
I trust you, man, thank you.
My barber always gives me good
advice,
but I just don't want him to
give me his hairstyle.
From the picture, your type or?
- Yeah, I'm attracted to her.
She looks like a beautiful girl,
so.
- Good.
Are you nervous meeting her or?
How do you feel?
- Yeah a little bit, it's like--
- It does look
just like Joey's hair.
Has he been pranked by the
barber?
- My arse cheeks keep
clenching all the time,
that's how I can tell I'm
nervous.
- After a few drinks, yeah,
it'll calm your nerves down.
- Should be cool.
I'm sure she'll be feeling
nervous.
How's that feel?
Sharp and ready for your date.
- Feels amazing.
- Happy with that?
- Yeah, looking on point, mate.
You've done a good job.
See you later, man, take care.
- Looking good!
What woman could resist being
pushed in a bush by him?
- Yeah, she's absolutely
amazing.
I can't wait to see her.
- Back at the agency,
Tyger's finishing up with Nadia
and Eden.
- I think it's gonna be a good
date.
I think we'll have some fun.
Little bit nervous because
I've never met the girl,
but excited.
- This is a blind date.
- Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah.
- Yeah, good.
I hope you have a good time.
- Okay, brilliant, thanks guys.
- Cool.
See you!
- Good luck!
- Did they have something
up their sleeves for you?
- Yeah, they've got a girl for
me
to go on a date with called
Jade.
She looks very lovely and
we're gonna go bowling
this evening, so.
- I adore bowling!
So she's handling your balls
already.
- Oh stop it, Tommy!
Back on their date, Jack and
Steph
are still getting on like a
house on fire.
- Did you go to university or
anything?
- Yes.
- Where did you go to school?
Where did you go to university?
- I went to the American
University in Paris.
I don't know why I'm pointing
like it's right there.
- Oh, that one just, that one
over there?
- Yeah, that country.
- I think Nadia
and Eden might be right,
he seems like a catch.
- So did you just come
in from Surrey today?
- Yeah, came up this morning,
so, yeah, I was doing some,
had a casting this morning.
I model full time.
- A model.
You've got to be kidding me.
- Bollocks, I
didn't see that coming.
- I was doing casting for
Morrisons
and they needed, I rocked up,
and they didn't sort of
tell me what was going on,
and I just arrived and there
was loads of babies everywhere
and they called my name
and gave me a baby.
- Okay, I'm gonna let you
eat that,
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna run to the
rest room really fast.
- Yeah, you do your thing.
- Okay.
- I reckon Jack's thinking,
"god, she really hates
Morrisons."
- Hey Nadia, it's Steph.
- Hi Steph!
- Why did you do this to me?
- What?
- Why did you put me
on a date with a model?
- Oh, you poor thing,
having to date male models all
the time.
- Well, everything that
I wanted is not him.
The last thing that I want to do
is date another model.
I don't know if I can go back up
there.
- And another
busy day of match-making.
The agents have met YouTube
prankster Jack Jones.
- Feel the muscles!
- Steph's
legged it from her date
to call the emergency services.
- Nadia, everything that
I wanted is not him.
- Tyger's getting
ready for his date with Jade,
but can't decide what to wear.
- I really need to find some
trousers.
Oh, there's a pair of trousers,
they look shit though.
- Don't forget the wicker hat.
And after two dates,
- Can you eat with chopsticks?
- What, with soup?
- And an awkward conversation
with last date Natalie.
- I felt like you thought
I was trying to mug you off
a little bit and then
you like eye-rolled me.
- The agents are
trying to get to the bottom
of Joey Essex's type.
Good luck!
- And what type of girl are
you looking for at the moment?
- How do I explain?
Just, don't know, just
a girl with proper ping.
- Ping?
- Ping, like--
- Painting?
- Yes, he knows!
- Painting?
What?
- I tell you about it later.
- He knows.
- Yeah, ping, Nadia!
Don't you know what it means?
Seriously, what the fuck does
ping mean?
- Ping means sick, means
beautiful, means pretty,
means colourful, means pring.
It means well nice, all at the
same time.
- Back in the pub,
model Jack's still waiting for
Steph,
who's fuming with Nadia
because Jack's a model.
First world problems.
- Can you guys just not set
me up with any more models?
- Yeah.
- So the lying to Steph plan
backfired,
but the person I feel
most sorry for is Jack.
He's a total sweetheart.
100%, but do try.
- All right, cool.
Just look into those beautiful
blue eyes.
- They're green.
- Oh green eyes,
then, yeah, you see?
You've noticed that, that's a
good thing.
Get through to the true Jack,
engage him, ask him questions,
get away
from the bloody model subject.
- Okay.
- All right, good
luck, call me if you need me.
- Okay.
- Okay, bye darling.
- Get on that computer
of yours, look in that database.
I will, I'm on it now, babe.
- All right, thanks Nadia.
- Okay, bye!
- Bye.
- Bye bye.
- Bullshit, utter bullshit.
I need to go back up there and
end this as soon as possible.
I have no idea why the agents
would put me
in such a shit situation.
- I thought you,
I thought you'd done a runner
on me for a second.
- No!
- So I need to ask why,
why haven't you been on
a date for eight months?
This is baffling me considering
that--
- 'Cause everyone I meet is
either a model or an actor.
- Okay, is that really
bad that I'm a model?
Really?
Why?
But you've just got--
- When I was younger, all I
wanted to do was date models.
- Yeah?
- Who doesn't?
- Exactly, who doesn't? Yeah.
- Yeah who doesn't.
I just had really bad
experiences with them.
Okay, well, okay, well, maybe...
It's not...
- Everyone deserves a chance,
right?
I could be the one that proves
that they're actually not all
that bad.
- To be fair, Jack does seem
sincere
and I do like that he's
challenged me
on the whole model thing.
- Would you like to pay with
cash?
- I'll get this.
No, no, no, don't need to do
this.
- There we go.
- I really appreciate Jack
paying.
It was a very gentlemanly thing
to do,
so it's definitely a plus.
- Cool, nice one, all right.
- Okay.
- Are we going to see each other
again?
- Well, I have your number
the agency has given it to me.
- Oh, have they?
Okay, that's good to know.
- So, yeah, I'm gonna have a
think,
you know, my little hang-up,
- Yeah.
- But...
- Okay.
- I'll text you regardless.
Thank you for lunch!
- Aw, poor Jack.
I think he really liked Steph,
didn't he?
Oh look, and he's looked back.
That's meant to mean something,
innit?
- That was so hard.
- I like to think that I've
got other things going for me
except for just being a model,
so,
yeah, hopefully I've
proven that in the last,
hour and a half or whatever,
and maybe she'll look past that
and give me a second chance
to show her that I'm
actually just a normal guy,
that I just seem to model
for a living.
- Dating models in the past
has always ended in heartbreak.
They've either used me
to further their careers
or they've let me fall hard for
them
and then, have turned out to be
gay.
- I'd like to see her
again, I really would.
I think it'd be nice to, you
know,
I think we've got like the
niceties out of the way,
and got to know each other
on a sort of basic level.
Now I'd like to really
get to know her properly,
and maybe let my hair down
with her at some point
in the future, so, yeah, I hope
she calls.
- I'm not gonna get my heart
broken by another model.
- In the agency, Nadia and Eden
are still trying to get to the
bottom of Joey's dating needs
with a classic question: head or
penis?
- When you're out at the moment,
though,
do you go with your head or your
penis,
when it comes to girls?
- Head.
I don't like go around
sleeping with loads of girls.
- No, but I mean like when you
see a girl,
do you see her and think to
yourself
she ticks these boxes
or does your penis lead
going, "Oh she's a salt,
wahay, get in there!"
- Hang on a minute,
are they supposed to talk?
- I mean I'd go, yeah,
she's a salt, she's a salt,
but my head would be saying,
"Look how thick she is, and
this, and this, and this."
but the last thing I think
about is sleeping with the girl.
- TV actor Tyger is on his way
to meet make-up artist Jade.
After his date with Somto and
her six month no-sex rule,
Tyger definitely knows what
he's looking for in a date.
- From what they've told me,
she is quite a liberal person.
So I think they think that we're
gonna be
similar in that sense.
- I would like to say that I go,
I go for the three date
rule, but sometimes,
especially if there's alcohol
involved,
you can't go for the three date
rule,
'cause you end up just
getting shit faced and things,
like, you lose all your
inhibitions.
- If you've had a few dates with
someone,
and you both really like each
other,
you just will end up having sex.
That's how people work.
- Sex is everywhere.
It's a dead taboo subject
and you'll get people
who are prudes who are like,
"Oh, no, sex,
"can't talk about sex."
But I'm just there like, you may
as well,
because everyone's doing it.
Your mom's doing it, your dad's
doing it,
everyone's doing it.
- My mum and
dad aren't doing it,
absolutely not, disgusting.
Looks like Tyger could
be onto a winner here.
- I'm really excited about
meeting Jade
and on top of that, she
definitely does look
very pretty from her picture.
- I would like to date a
celebrity
mainly just for the crack.
Just to see how the other half
live.
I think it would be
really funny just to see
if they do get like really
nervous
and really like shocked and
awkward.
Love awkward situations,
think they're dead funny.
- Hello, Jade, how are you?
- I'm fine, thank you, how are
you?
- I'm Tyger, nice to meet you.
- You too.
- To be honest, I do find
Jade less attractive in person
than I found her picture,
and I know that sounds bad so
I'm sorry.
Hiya!
- What do you want to drink?
- Well, I'll have a pint
of diet coke, please.
- Can I have a milkshake
that's got bourbon in it?
- A milkshake with bourbon in
it?
- Bourbon?
- Oh, the old
classic milkshake and bourbon,
I'll have to remember that next
time
I'm down the Queens Head.
- How long have you
been drinking that for?
- Since I was about 13.
- Bourbon in her milkshake.
That's a pretty strong
milkshake,
and I'm not judging,
but this could probably
be quite interesting.
- Yeah.
- So what do you like
to do on your free time
other than obviously bowling?
- Drink.
Are you going to pass out if you
try this,
'cause it's got bourbon in it?
- I don't drink very often.
- Meanwhile,
Jack's cracked open a beer
while waiting for his date with
Joey Essex superfan Marlene.
- She's fit, she's hot, just
how that agency described her.
I'm well up for this, can't
wait.
- Hiya.
- Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
- How you doing?
- I'm okay.
- How you doing, you all right?
- Yeah, I'm good, how are you?
- I'm good.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
You look nice.
- Thank you.
- You look better than me.
- Obviously, that's not hard, is
it?
I'm joking!
- That was a bit out of order
for the first bit of
conversation.
- I heard you're a funny guy so,
- Yeah?
- I need to step my jokes up.
- Nice.
You've seen the videos, have
you?
- I saw, I've seen one.
- It's amazing that she's
seen one of my videos
and still turned up for
the date, it's pretty sick.
- Can I have a really
small glass of white wine?
- White wine?
Okay.
- Get drunk quite quick then?
- Sorry?
- Can't handle your wine?
- Definitely not.
When I'm drunk, I'm an absolute
idiot.
- Really? I hadn't
noticed.
- Oh my god!
Oh my god, he's my dream fucking
guy.
Just one drink limit, that's it.
- So why did you want to
come on a date anyway,
Marlene, with me?
- I think, like I said to the
agency
that I would like to go on a
date with someone that's funny
so I didn't realise
they'd put me on a date
with the most funniest guy in
Britain.
- Oh, thank you so much for
that.
That's a compliment any day.
Is she trying to prank me?
This is one of the sickest
dates I've been on ever.
So where are you from?
- Peterborough.
- Petersborough?
- No, Peterborough.
- Peterborough?
- No, Peterborough, there's no
S.
Just Peter Borough.
- Up north?
- That's Peter
Borough, Peterborough.
Steph was devastated when she
found out
about Jack's dirty little
secret.
- Is that really bad that I'm a
model?
Everyone deserves a chance,
right?
- Except male models.
Tyger has started his
first ever blind date
and just found out Jade
loves Jack, Daniels.
- Can I have a milkshake
that's got bourbon in it?
- Bourbon?
- Joey's on a celeb photo shoot
and just discovered his
own superfan Marlene
is on a date with
internet prankster, Jack.
- Good luck, mate.
- And it seems Jack
isn't so different from Joey.
- Where are you from?
- Peterborough.
- Petersborough?
- No, Peterborough.
- Petersborough?
- No, Peterborough there's no S.
Just Peter Borough.
- Up north?
- That's Peter
Borough, Peterborough.
And Charlotte and Paisley
aren't dating until tomorrow,
so they're having a girly
night in with Steph.
- I may have not found a good
guy,
but if all else fails,
I've got my two besties,
Pais and Charlotte,
and we can just all live together
in a nice little nunnery.
- Right, hold on a second,
'cause we haven't spoke
about if we see someone we like.
- We know what
Charlotte's gonna do,
she's gonna kiss them.
- You don't have to kiss them.
Wait till it's your king
and you're their queen!
- Oh mum, that was really cute!
- It's just what you did with
sex, you could kiss anyone!
- Oh god!
- And then you wait to
have sex with the king?
- I'm cringing right now.
Charlotte Crosby is talking
about sex
with my mum in my bedroom.
My mum doesn't even want
me to kiss on camera.
- So do you think that
Paisley and her friends
will be able to get rid of my
tattoo?
I don't want another one, I
just want to get rid of it.
- Which one?
- This one, it's my ex
boyfriend's initial
on the back of my arm.
- Oh you didn't!
Never a man's name, don't do it.
- I know, I was such an idiot.
- Don't do it!
- I was still drunk.
Have you ever done
anything like that, Steph?
- I'm wearing a dress, I can't
show it.
What, is it on your vagina?
- Oh, exclusive
celebrity vagina news!
- Yes, I have
a tattoo on my vagina,
but no one's gonna see that,
because all of my dates have
been shit,
so we're good.
Moving on.
- She's got a tattoo on her
nonnie!
- Oh my god,
have you actually, Steph?
- I was 17.
- How am I just
finding this out?
- What is it of?
- A cross on my vagina.
- Let's see
how Jack's first date
with Marlene's going.
- What are mussels?
- Don't you know what mussels
are?
- No.
- They're like in a little
shell.
- Yeah, I know they're in a
shell,
but what do they taste like?
- Have you ever had them?
- No, I haven't really like
tasted a lot of seafood at all.
The only kind of seafood
I've tasted is smoked salmon.
That's all I've tasted.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Great, fish chat out the way,
it's time for Jack to show
Marlene he's got game.
- Do you play Pokemon at all?
- Not that game.
- No.
- You don't?
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Oh, I don't know.
- I'm on level 13, I'm killing
the game.
- Cool, man.
Do you know what?
I've got nothing against
it, I just don't play it.
- Why not?
- Just a bit busy.
- A bit busy?
- Yeah.
- When I'm with a girl, I
like to have a bit of banter
and just be a bit laddish.
Like do you believe in
sleeping with people
on the first night?
- No, not, no, no, no,
I would never like kiss on the
first date,
because you have to have
feeling.
- Or a couple of shots.
My drug.
I'm joking.
- Couple of shots.
Oh, sweet.
- Oh god!
- Looks like Jack and Marlene
are getting on nicely.
- You haven't seen my videos.
- Tyger's hoping
to strike it lucky with Jade,
and, as usual, he's pulling
out some of his best chat.
- What year were you born in?
- 1993.
Dude, I know this sounds dead
weird,
but do you ever sometimes
think about when you were born?
And then, think nine months
before
that your parents had sex and
then get dead grossed out?
- My parents are something
I've talked about a lot,
and I don't particularly enjoy
talking about it anymore.
It just feels like such
a slog, like
not this again.
I've had to think about
my parents having sex
probably more than most, so.
- Let's see if Jack's progressed
from mussels to clams.
- What are you doing?
- I've got something in
my tooth, I can feel it.
- Oh dear, you're not
gonna use a knife, are you?
- Yeah.
- He had a spoon like
this and he had a knife,
and he put it to his mouth and
he said,
"Oh, I've got something
stuck in my tooth."
Like, you don't say that on a
date,
like it's not very smooth.
- I'm not sure this
is what you should be doing
on a first date, Jack.
It's like a back street dentist.
- Are you pranking me?
- To be fair, I use a javelin.
- I'm not taking a photo of you?
- I thought you're pranking me.
- No, I was actually getting
something out of my tooth.
- Don't worry, Marlene.
There's no bushes nearby.
Oh, hang on, there's one there.
- Why do girls think I'm
pranking them all the time?
Can't a guy like pick his teeth
in peace?
- Back to the diner now
where Jade's still on
Tyger's favourite topic,
his porn star parents.
- I bet that was a dead fun
childhood.
- It was, it was wicked.
- I do wish more girls
I met had her attitude.
I think she's really, really
open minded
in the same way that I am.
A lot of people think it was
like,
you know, like really seedy and
whatever,
but memories of like
these Christmas parties
where all these like porn
stars would come over
and buy me like amazing presents
and--
- Did Seemore Butts come?
- No, he didn't.
- 'Cause I definitely
would have got him to sign
something.
- I think it's pretty cool that
she's able
to name porn stars, I don't
think I've ever been on a date
with someone who is
able to name porn stars.
Do you watch porn?
- Yeah.
Who doesn't watch porn?
- Well, I don't know, I think a
lot,
I think the perception that guys
have
is that a lot of girls don't.
I think they know that some
girls do.
- More girls watch porn than
would admit to watching porn.
- A lot of porn is kind
of aimed towards men
in the way it's shot
and produced and stuff.
The one second out of
thirty that they go back
to the guy's face from the
girl's face,
just happens to be the moment I
come,
and it's like, oh my god, like,
I just looked at that guy's
face.
Sometimes the moment you
ejaculate
is the moment it cuts back
to the ugly man's face,
and it's like
why couldn't I have come
when I was looking at the
woman's tits?
- Don't worry, mate.
We've all been there on a first
date,
talking about come faces.
- So do you have any other
piercings other than your navel?
- I also have both nipples
pierced.
- Do you?
- Yeah.
- Right, I bet that's a painful
one.
- Easy, Tyger.
- It's not that painful.
- I'm not sure how I feel about
nipple piercings actually.
I think they kind of get
in the way of the nipple.
Nipples are nice.
And if you've got pieces of
metal in them,
I feel like they're less
hygienic to suck on.
I don't think I'll be getting
my Prince Albert done any time
soon.
- You'd have two piss holes.
Like, imagine taking it
out and then trying to pee.
- Is that how it works?
Surely they don't go through
your urethra, do they?
- In and out.
- Think about it, Tyger.
- So it goes like in and
then comes out like a hook.
- Has she finished talking yet?
- Do you question ever
if you're bi-curious?
- I definitely identify as
straight,
but maybe some day with
someone, I might be.
I haven't done anything with a
boy,
though, you know.
I don't really wanna
rule out the possibility
that, you know, like love is
love
and at some point later in my
life,
this guy might come into my
life that whisks me off my feet.
Did I just make her think I
might be gay?
'Cause I'm an idiot really,
aren't I?
Personality-wise we got
on like a house on fire.
I think the dating agency
did really good matching us.
- My date with Tyger, like I do
like him,
but just 'cause he's
got porn star parents,
he could also be really shit
in bed, at the same time.
- I really fancied her picture,
but, in person, didn't actually
fancy her.
I feel a bit shit saying
that, but I just didn't.
- Oh well,
hopefully Jack and Marlene
are getting on better, despite
Jack being a massive pranker.
- So have you ever been to
another mixer?
- Have I ever been to a mixer?
- Yeah.
- Yeah I did.
I went--
- You have?
Yeah.
Really?
- What, sorry?
- Why?
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- Why did you say that so
aggressively?
- Surprised.
What?
Why didn't Eden and Nadia let me
know
that Marlene went to the mixer?
- So I just drank so much, I
can't really remember much.
- That's why you're not drinking
tonight.
- No, I'm not drinking ever
again
for the rest of my life.
- You're like,
I'm not doing that again.
- I'm not drinking again.
Probably annoyed everyone,
probably annoyed everyone.
I was probably like the most
annoying person in the world.
- Did you meet the guy though?
- Yeah.
- What was his impression?
- He ran away from me, he was
scared,
like he was shit scared of me.
- Really?
- He was like a proper weirdo,
yeah.
It's all right, I don't blame
him.
- Who was it?
- Joey Essex.
- That's it, Marlene.
Bring up the fellow you
actually want to date on a date.
- I scared him.
- No!
- I scared him so much.
Oh dear, I must apologise.
Why is she going on about
Joey Essex all the time?
I feel like we're in
competition.
This is cringing me out.
Sounds like you had the time of
your life.
Sounds amazing.
I feel like she'd rather
be on a date with Joey,
like it's a massive turn-off.
- I ain't so fussed on him.
I felt like a little bit
friend-zoned.
Have you got everything?
- Good, yeah.
- Thank you so much, thank you.
- You're welcome, take care.
- Next time--
- I thought
he was going to kiss her.
- I like Marlene, she's a
beautiful girl,
but I'm going to keep my
options open for more dates.
So that's the plan.
- Take care then.
See you later!
Bye!
- Take care, bye bye.
I feel like I was putting in
more effort.
At least, I was talking
about relevant things,
interesting things.
- So despite
Marlene being his perfect type,
it seems Jack is not settling
for anyone's second best.
Oh well, plenty more mussels in
the sea.
And if not, there's probably
a Pickachou around the corner.
Tomorrow night, someone's
getting aggy.
- He said I'm a slag.
- And someone's feeling saucy.
- Tongued the shit out of her.
- As our Celebs,
- Nice!
- Go,
- Is it bigger than
that piece of sandwich?
- Dating!
- Do you want to pick my fluff?