Celebs Go Dating (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
- This summer,
these famous dating disasters
are looking for love.
Joey Essex
- I really want to meet a
salt and that's why I'm here.
- Stephanie Pratt!
- I don't want guys to
think if they date me
I'm gonna bring them on
TV and they'll be famous.
- Paisley Billings!
- I've never been in
love so I need the agents
to find me someone who
I can be myself with
and learn to love.
- Tyger Drew-Honey.
- My parents worked in the porn
industry.
What difference does that make?
- And Charlotte Crosby.
- I want unicorns,
I want butterflies,
I want fairytale love.
- They've signed up
to E4's Celebrity Dating Agency
to find
the one.
- How many inches are you?
- But in their
search for a soulmate,
these celebs aren't dating
famous people.
- It just don't seem to work.
- They're dating
- You!
- Oh my fucking god.
- Everyone stop panicking.
- Do you have a lot of sex?
- They've got three weeks.
- Hi.
- To meet and greet.
- Hey guys.
- Wine and dine.
Kiss or diss.
- It was disgusting.
- As many dates as possible.
- It was just awful.
- Before they must choose.
- Who's had chlamydia?
- Their perfect plus one.
- Tonight,
who will set the world alight?
- Ding ding ding ding.
- And who will be left in tears?
- I feel like so stupid
crying over this bullshit.
- As our Celebs.
- Oh my god.
- Go.
- Don't.
- Dating.
- Ooh, I look saucy tonight.
- Welcome to the
Celebrity Dating Agency.
- Hello, come in.
- Don't mind if I do, Tom.
Yesterday our five single stars
all went on their first dates,
dates which they chose
themselves.
- Would you like to go out?
- 100%.
- Charlotte's
date with Danny had snogs.
- Why not kiss him?
- But no spark.
- I'm just not massively excited
by him.
- Tyger's sexual antics
proved too much for Somto.
- You're gonna fuck a robot
today, Tyger.
- Steph found Ellis cute
- But his chat was insane.
- I actually got
circumcised three weeks ago.
- I don't wanna go on
another date with him.
- Joey's date with Flo.
- Went a big wrong.
- I don't really think she's my
type.
- And Paisley was well pleased
with her first ever date.
- Babe, we couldn't stop
talking.
- But
unfortunately Corrie weren't.
- Me and her would just be
better off as like friends.
- It's fair to say
our celebrities haven't got
a clue how to choose a decent
date.
- I chose the wrong guy.
- So with only
three weeks to find love,
it's time for our agents to
step in and earn their money.
As they take their stars out
of their dating comfort zones.
Joey's first back at the
agency to see who Nadia
and Eden have in mind
for him to date next.
- My date with Flo didn't really
work out.
- Handsome's back.
- She burped in my face,
it was too much burping.
- I'm so sorry.
- I'm quite excited to see
what the agency have got in
for me next.
Hopefully this one's a bit,
the chat's a bit better,
you know what I mean?
- You can bounce off
each other a bit more.
- Yeah
- Intellectually.
- Yeah.
Nadia and Eden are sending me on
a date
with someone I've never even met
before.
- Alright, well best of luck.
- Thank you.
So hopefully it'll be a salt.
- We'll introduce you to
Natalie.
- Oh!
- Is she a soul, Joey?
- Yeah she's a salt.
- Perfect.
- We kinda think that you'd be,
be a good match.
- She actually looks alright,
like she looks quite fit.
- So she's half Persian,
she used to be a model
but she gave it up because
she tired of the materialistic
life.
- She's got great chat, really
good.
- Is she from Bournemouth?
- Yeah.
- No way.
Me, Natalie by the seaside.
This could get sandy,
maybe even saucy.
- Don't get
sand in your sauce, Joey.
- Enjoy it.
- I will, definitely.
Can't wait.
- Right, bye.
- See you, Joey.
- Right, guys.
- After going
to a celebrity event
in Newcastle last night,
Charlotte's too hung-over.
I mean too tired
to make it into the agency.
So Nadia and Eden FaceTime her
at home.
- Hi.
Shut down move on
- With her first
date Danny not much cop,
it's now up to the agents
to pick her next one.
- And we've got the next
guy lined up and good to go.
- Do I know him?
- You know him.
It's Jeavon.
Jeavon.
- Jeavon.
- Jeavon.
- All right, when you walked
in I thought I'm in here.
- Why that face?
- Oh dear.
- Jeavon!
No, anyone but that rank, hairy
beast.
- Did you just face
plant our choice for you?
- This is gonna be the
longest night of my life.
- Why?
- Jeavon makes us feel sick.
- Shit
- Are you sure
it's not the black sambuca
from last night?
- He is nonsense straight hair.
- He is so much more than hair.
He is a strong,
manly man.
You're gonna have loads of fun,
he's a party boy as well.
- If you think he's so great,
why don't you just date him,
Nadia?
Well I mean there's not much
more
we can say about it is there,
so we're just gonna
have to see how it goes.
- Is she going to hang up on us
now?
- I'm waiting for the kick,
yeah.
So where are you gonna take him?
- I know a good bar on the Tyne.
- Oh god, I thought you said
you weren't gonna drink.
- I just feel like it's the only
thing
that's going to get us through
the night.
- So maybe it's time now to go
off-type,
with somebody who initially
you might not think,
"Oh god yeah he makes me
tingle,"
but something that can grow into
something meaningful, perhaps.
- I don't want it to grow into
anything.
He is absolutely not my type.
But that's not what love is.
What you're talking
about is growing a plant.
- No, what you're talking about
is lust.
- Mum!
Mum, will you come here please?
- Oh don't talk
to your mum about lust.
- We're getting the Mum.
- Mum, can you tell me
when you met my dad,
was it love and lust at the same
time?
- Yeah we had sex the first
night.
- Oh leave it out, Mum.
We don't need to hear this.
- And how long
have you been married for?
- Seventeen years and married
eleven.
- And it was not something
that you worked on and growed,
it was something that
was there straight away.
- I wanted to rip his clothes
off him.
- Exactly.
So my Mum happily married at
seventeen years is not a slag.
Based her first relationship
on the lust and the love.
- Well it is a process.
This is the next stage of the
process.
- Right okay.
Be honest and open,
I'll go and I'll learn.
Hopefully this will be
a date I will learn on.
- Have an open mind.
- Bye!
- That went well, guys.
- It was the one person I
didn't want to go on with,
he's rank.
- Her mum will absolutely
be sitting there being like,
"Well don't go on the date
then if you don't like him,
da da da."
- If you don't like him, don't
go.
- I don't think I can go.
- What's happening behind the
scenes now
is probably not good for us
because she --
- Fires are being stoked.
- Yeah.
- You could learn things from
it,
you could learn things from it.
- Downing gravy?
You didn't do that in your
work-out video.
- Bosh!
- We need to get back to Essex.
Here he is, psyching himself up
for his next date with 21
year old creative director,
Natalie.
- Before I go on a date,
I like to psych myself up and
do some exercise.
I mean some people would
rather just look in the mirror
and go,
"Ooh, I look saucy tonight."
- Yeah I do that all the time.
- Not me, I go for a skip.
The thing is if you do things
like this it sort of release,
it releases your like, is it
hormones?
- No it's not.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh what hormone
was released then, Joey?
- This is quite nice.
Hopefully I meet her and
I like her straight away
and then when the date goes
well, you know what I mean?
And like he's cooking food
in front of us both going
I've never met Natalie
before but from the picture,
she looked like a proper little
salt.
Maybe I might meet her,
might fall in love straight
away.
Fireworks, flowers, it's game
over.
I fall in love too quickly, man.
Takes me like three seconds,
like - bam,
I'm gonna like this girl.
You know that feeling when
you proper like someone,
you're so excited,
you think about them
constantly all the time
like you're thinking about
them on this journey.
I'll be probably texting her now
saying,
"I can't wait to see you."
Well, sort of yeah.
Look at her, look.
See her, salt,
she's going,
she's going.
- One salt at a time, Joey.
I reckon concentrating on
tonight's date
will be the naughtiest,
or sauciest, or the sickest,
or whatever it is you say.
Just concentrate on Natalie.
Back at the agency,
Paisley cannot wait to chat
about her date
with Corrie last night.
- Hi girl, how you doing?
- All good, how are we?
- Good.
- Good.
- I think me and Corrie really
get on.
We had loads to talk about
and we've got loads in common.
I honestly think it went really
well.
- How was last night?
- I went on my first ever date,
ever.
- Yaaaay!
- It has happened.
- It's happened.
- Yeah.
- How did you feel on it?
- We really got on,
we had loads to talk about,
we had loads in common.
I'm really excited to see Corrie
again,
I can't wait for our second
date.
- Sounds like
Paisley had a blinding date
but now it's time to find out
whether Corrie felt the same.
- Okay,
well we've got Corrie's feedback
form
and unfortunately he doesn't
want to go on a second date.
- That hurts.
- Really?
- Okay, I' just gonna borrow
this.
- There were some beautiful,
even though he didn't wanna
see you for a second date,
there was some beautiful,
very touching and very
honest feedback which,
given it's your first date,
we were super-impressed by.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- So then why did he not
want to see me again?
- Because if you want it
straight,
you went out on a mate date.
- It really sucks to hear that.
Maybe it was a mate date
but why couldn't he have
just told me at the time?
This is hard.
- Are you disappointed?
- Look, I don't know if
I'm ready for all this.
I don't know if I can be a big
girl.
Can we literally like stop for a
minute?
Can we, please, because --
- Sure.
- Yeah.
I just need to go out for a
minute.
Cool!
- No problemo.
Wow!
- This is big shit to her.
- Huge.
- She's taking it seriously.
- I'm worried she's gonna quit.
I'm worried she can't handle
it and she's going to quit.
- I just don't know if this is
for me.
- With Paisley
being new to the dating game
and as the first celebrity
to have been hurt.
Nadia and Eden are worried.
- This is big shit to her.
- Huge.
I'm worried she's gonna quit.
I'm worried she can't handle
it and she's going to quit.
- Will Paisley leave the Agency?
And give up dating all together.
- I've just got this incline
she's gonna find it in herself
to battle on.
- I hope so, she's a
tough cookie.
- Cause she's gonna concentrate
on all the positives.
- Oh.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
I just needed a minute.
- Yeah.
- Needed a moment.
- Yeah.
We're really both emotionally
invested in you, Paisley
because you know clearly it
means a lot.
Okay he wasn't the one for you
but hey, listen,
you've got to kiss a few frogs
before you find your prince.
- If they'll even kiss
you but okay.
- You will.
- I need to be strong
and take it on the chin.
If I can move past this,
I think it'll be really good for
me.
- Go on, girl, Corrie who?
- What we've got to do
now is take all everything
that he took from.
Hello.
- Hey.
- Oh you're an angel.
All the feedback from you and
Corrie.
- Yeah.
- Put into the next date with,
Grant.
- Who the hell is Grant?
Grant.
Who the fuck is Grant?
- Yeah who the fuck is Grant?
- Grant --
- Oh god, I'm scared now.
- Don't be scared, why are you
scared?
- Cause he's a stranger.
At least I'd like met Corrie
before
and I was like okay yeah,
I'll be fine because he's cool.
- Well yeah but that
didn't work out too well.
- Well it didn't, did it?
But now I'm scared.
Who's Grant?
What does
- On paper, you two like.
- Yeah, yeah
but who the fuck is Grant?
- Hello my name's Grant,
I'm twenty-seven years old,
I'm from Milton Keynes.
- Oh yeah,
Grant from Milton Keynes.
- I work in medical recruitment
as a client executive.
I've been DJing since I was 13
years old.
My friends would probably
say I'm crazy for doing this
but look, you live once.
I wouldn't mind settling
down so here we are.
- The kind of girl he wants
to get is big on personality,
bubbly, sassy, outgoing.
- Opinionated that's what he
wants.
- Okay.
- Ding ding ding ding.
- Yeah, boxes ticked.
- How does that all sound to
you?
- Good.
It does, sounds good.
- Double thumbs-up.
- And a smile.
I'm excited for this date.
It's probably good for me to
get back on the horse quickly,
so to speak.
- You're dating.
How do you feel?
- Good.
I do feel good.
- Good.
- Right, thanks guys.
See you later.
- Bye.
- See ya.
- Paisley is so new to the
dating game,
it's hard to establish
what her type is right now.
Therefore setting her up with
Grant is a bit of a risk.
They both love music and he's a
DJ
but they are also both
strong-minded.
They could get on like a house
on fire
or there could be fireworks.
Welcome to the dating game,
Paisley!
- With Paisley back in the game
and happily set up on her
blind date with Grant,
it's time for Joey to
finally meet his date.
- What's her name again?
- Natalie, Joey.
It's Natalie.
- So I'm half Persian.
Persian girls are known
to be fiery and feisty.
That's probably where I
get my personality from
because it's not normal.
My main passion is to make a
good living by the time I'm 25.
Dating a celebrity would be
something
that makes me more excited,
like I'm dating a celeb!
Not someone normal.
- Having never met before,
Joey's meeting whatever her name
is
outside a Teppanyaki
restaurant in Chelsea.
I don't know what that means
either.
Let's hope the agents have
pulled it off.
- I do have a type.
I normally go for like
brunette, slim, nice.
- You might
be in luck, my old son.
It's brunette, slim, nice
Natalie.
- Joey.
- Natalie.
- Natalie, nice to meet you.
Have you been here before?
- No I haven't.
- That's a good thing, nor have
I.
She looks peng.
- What?
Come on, mate.
You're just making words up now.
- Oh my god, this is so nice.
- How sick is this?
Oh my god!
Do you like a Porn Style
Martini?
- Love Porn Style Martini!
- Yes, give me five.
We're already doing well,
we're doing well.
We've got things in common, you
know.
What's this hibamati chicken?
Are you clever?
- I am clever.
- Are you?
- I am clever.
- Well how clever?
- I went to uni.
- I like that she's clever,
I mean I'm not academically
clever so
I would like a clever girl.
- I'd like
a girl that just knows
what Teppanyaki means.
- What are you,
what are you looking for in a
boy?
- Looks like Joey's well keen.
- Oh my god,
like literally the first thing.
- I mean do you want me to say
well I don't know what to say?
- So
I've like been on dates with
guys
but they've just been
like a bit too full-on.
- I mean some people are just
weird.
- But then like I get,
I get like some people
are different because,
but then --
- I'm weird.
- And that's
why we love you, Joey.
I'm not sure she's feeling the
same.
- I'll bring
your shot in a moment.
- Thank you.
How long have you been single
for?
- Do you know what?
- Oh my god!
- What?
- What?
- What was you about to say?
- No no, go on.
- I've been single for --
- Do you know how long
you've been single for?
No because I like,
I see girls but they're not
relationships.
I don't really have a
relationship.
- Yeah, seeing someone.
- What I was gonna ask you as
well?
- What?
This feels like an interview.
- Is she for real?
- Oh god,
after a pretty good start,
this date is going downhill
fast.
- I don't know,
I'd rather question than it go
silent.
- Just sit there.
- Yeah.
I don't know,
anything you wanna ask me?
She doesn't really seem like
she has that much to say to me,
like I don't know if she's
nervous or not.
Anyway.
- It's alright.
- Is this our starters?
- Oh nice, thank you.
Can you eat with chopsticks?
- What, soup?
She keeps looking at me,
rolling her eyes.
- It's just like normal things.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know like I'm really, really
ditzy
but she's making me feel like
I'm really, really thick.
- So I'm half Persian.
- Yeah.
- So were like --
- Right, Persian so --
- Okay what?
- Right, when you say Persian,
do you mean like - what's a
Persian?
I know what a Persian is sort
of.
I mean I've met,
I know --
- What do you think it is?
- I know a Persian girl
but I never really just
thought of asking her this.
What does Persian mean?
Because I know about the Persian
cats.
- I used to have a Persian cat.
- Did you really?
Yeah, they're cute cats.
I genuinely think that
there's more possibility
of me having more fun with her
cats
than I am with her on this date.
What else, what else, what else?
- What do you wanna know?
- Oh my bum hole is clenching.
Where's a knife-wielding
chef when you need one?
Here he is, what were the
chances?
- Pro, pro chef right there.
That's like proper segmented.
Oh my god!
- I'm not sure you've
read the room there, mate.
Come on guys, the show's over.
Have a chat, will you?
It's a date.
- It's so hot in here innit?
- This date
is like a chat vacuum.
- Wish I could cook like that.
What's the worst date you've
been on?
- The worst I've ever
been on is probably --
- This one?
- Pardon?
- This one?
- I don't know really.
- Oh come on, Joey.
She's exactly the type you asked
for.
You can still turn it around.
- Are you
all natural?
- Natural about what?
- Oh god.
- I can't handle this any
longer.
I need air,
I need space,
I can't handle the cringiness.
I just need to get away from
here,
I need to bolt.
I'm busting for the toilet, by
the way.
- Go.
- Can I go?
- Just go.
- I don't think he's going
to the toilet, Natalie.
- This is the part where
I just go on the phone.
- I'll be two secs.
I can't sit in this date any
longer.
- After his date
with Natalie has gone tits up
in a Teppanyaki restaurant.
- It has been bad, it's been
really weird.
I'm having to think of
questions like she called me
an interviewer at one point.
- Joey has legged it outside
to phone his best mate, Dan.
- It ain't working, man.
- Is there not a fire escape?
- He's thinking about bolting.
- Oh mate, well.
- So the question
is will he stay or will he go?
- Mate just run,
trust me man,
it's long, mate.
- I know,
that's what I mean,
I mean we would run wouldn't we?
I don't know what to do, man,
I need someone to save
me in this sad moment
of Joey Essex's life.
I feel bad saying it.
Cause she's such a nice girl
but I just.
Oh!
Oh my god,
I've got to pay for the bill,
man.
I can't let her pay for the bill
but I might just go down
there and pay for the bill.
Maybe I could say I'm going
toilet again and leave.
- And after all that,
Joey decides to be a gentleman
and go back in for the
final course of awkwardness.
You can do it, Joey.
- I took quite long.
- What the hell!
What did you do there?
- It's a long story.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
- Joey, you are an awful liar.
- It's a very long story.
Oh no, do you know what?
She probably thinks I've been in
for a poo
but then I suppose it's
better than her thinking
what I'm actually thinking,
do you know what I mean?
- Can you sort yourself out?
- Sorry,
I'm just really hot and I'm
really --
- You don't know what to do with
yourself?
- No.
I made it to the end
and I suppose that's what
matters.
I didn't run off.
- Poor Natalie.
- It's been a good first date.
- Yeah.
- Try and sound
a bit convincing, Joey.
- He's a lot more funny
than I thought he would be.
Yeah it was a good date.
- Alright then, well
yeah lovely to meet you.
Me and her,
there's no click at all.
- Personality-wise,
I think we just got on really
well
and that's kind of what
I look for in a guy.
- Later!
- Yeah I would like to see him
again.
- I'm outside right now
about to get in my whip
and just close that door and go.
- It's a new day
and our celebrities are still
searching
for love with a normal
non-celebrity human.
Paisley's looking to bounce back
from Corrie on a blind date with
Grant.
- Look at you.
- Yeah!
- And at her home in Newcastle,
Charlotte could not be
more excited to see Jeavon.
- I'm going on a date
with someone who I don't,
I know I don't like.
I'd rather eat glass.
- That's a bit harsh, Charlotte.
He can't be that bad.
- I'm a mechanic but
I'm also a naked butler.
Bit of a mummy's boy
so if I ever bring a girl
back and she's not happy,
then she'll tell me and if
she says she's got to go,
she's got to go.
- Why do I have to go?
I'd rather be a baked bean.
Their only purpose in life
is to make people fart.
I'm not bothered if he fancies
us or not.
I'd rather him not.
- Don't get down about it, man.
It'll be alright.
- I'm not down about it.
It's just a waste of time.
- You don't know he might be
alright.
- I hate his name?
- Jeavon.
- I hate his hair.
I hate everything about him.
I don't wanna go.
Who's called fucking Jeavon?
- No one.
He's called Jeavon, Charlotte.
Don't give me that look.
Meanwhile over at the agency,
Joey is back for his debrief
on yet another disastrous date.
What's gone wrong, mate?
- What are you saying
- Oh that's such bad luck, Joey.
- Oh is it?
- I think that Joey is
very warm.
- Maybe I'm never gonna
find the girl of my dreams.
- No, of course you will.
Funny!
Well if all else fails, you can
have me.
- What's happening bruv?
- Delicious.
- Whilst Tom
takes a cold shower.
Joey fills the agency in on
Natalie.
- I just, I dunno, she wasn't
for me.
I mean I'm guessing she probably
loved it.
- Why would you say that?
- Because I just.
what?
- Expand on that.
Why do you think she loved it?
- Cause she got a date with Joey
Essex.
- I knew he was gonna say that.
- Alright big head,
we can't all be Joey bloody
Essex.
- Do you know what I think we're
gonna do?
We're gonna phone her.
- Oh what!
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
They're actually gonna
make me speak to her?
Oh my god, this is my worst
nightmare.
- Hello!
- Hello, is that Natalie?
- Hiya, yeah.
- So we're just looking for some
sort of
honest feedback about how
your date went with Joey
and you know.
- Joey's sweet, he's a nice guy.
And yeah I had a really fun
time.
- And did he ask
you lots of questions?
- Yeah he did, yeah.
- Did you think
that was a good thing though
or did you feel a little bit
like it was too many questions?
- No no, that's a
good thing because it shows
that he's interested.
- She didn't say that.
I'm so confused.
I don't get them vibes at all.
Bullshit!
- You know what I mean?
- Well it would be good to get
some
constructive feedback from Joey.
- Oh my god,
this is more awkward than the
date was
and that was awks.
- Yeah no I thought it was good
but --
- Bullshit.
- Elaborate.
- As Joey tries
to avoid ever making
conversation with Natalie again.
Charlotte's also coming up with
a new plan
to avoid her dreaded date with
Jeavon.
- What about if I get so drunk
that I fall from the chair onto
the floor,
have a major accident and have
to be taken away to hospital?
- Good plan, Charlotte.
The way Joey looks right now,
I think you'll be seeing him
there.
- Be honest.
This is your chance, Joey,
to be really honest.
Nice and constructive because
just say,
it will help, honestly.
- Hello.
- I've had phone calls about PPI
that are more fun than this.
- I felt like you thought I was
trying
to mug you off a little bit
and then you like eye-rolled me.
- No, I think
I was just joking then.
- Oh.
- So what's that about?
- I don't know.
Maybe it was your hair
in a way of your face
so maybe your eyebrows were
hurting.
- Oh yeah you know when you get
the old sore eyebrows.
- Maybe, I don't know.
I didn't realise that I came
across rude.
- Oh my god,
it's just like,
it's so hard to read new people.
This dating scene is difficult.
- Well thank you so
much, Natalie.
- Thanks!
- Bye.
- See you later.
- See you later, bye.
- A lot of work, mate.
- Joey.
- What?
- She sounds lovely.
- Yeah well she weren't
like that on the date.
Look,
I know I'm being picky but
Joey Essex needs perfection.
- So as Joey
narrows down his search
for perfection,
down in south London our
girl Paisley's getting ready
for the big date with Grant.
- So how was the last date?
- Oh don't bring that up, MUm.
Just nip your cava and keep
quiet.
- So he.
- Well he was just being really
fake
and he just wanted to be famous.
- Oh that's sad.
So, clear mind, ready for
tonight?
- Yeah I'm gonna --
- This person is not that
person.
- Yeah it's a new person
so they don't deserve to be like
Tarnished with that brush.
- Pre-judged
with the Corrie brush.
You see this?
This is the Corrie brush.
Are you ready?
- Yup
- Right.
According to Nadia and Eden,
they have found me the
perfect match in Grant
so hopefully they are as
good as they say they are.
I'm on a blind date with a DJ.
- Whoop, whoop.
- What's the worst that could
happen?
- Paisley couldn't
be happier as she skips off
to her first ever blind date
but after her experience last
time,
there's a lot riding on this
one.
Precisely 53 minutes and
12 seconds after arriving,
Jeavon is still waiting
for Charlotte to turn up.
To be fair though,
this could be the nicest
53 minutes and 12 seconds
of the entire date.
- Oh!
I really don't wanna be here
and all I'm thinking is
how can I get out of this?
I wonder if I just throw
myself into the Tyne,
I would be able to go home.
I've delayed this as much as I
can
in the hope that he might have
given up
and gone home.
- She even turned up?
I've never been stood up on a
date.
- Where the hell's Jeavon?
All I can see is this
fittie with a man bun.
- Hi Charlotte,
you're looking gorgeous.
- Right I'm not doing --
- What do you want?
What do you want?
- Shit!
Do I look okay?
- I've got you a little gift.
- Did ya?
Oh he's got us a gift.
That is so sweet.
Thank you.
- Just so you know --
- That is so nice.
- Yeah?
- I feel so bad about
being so horrible now.
- Well, Jeavon totally smashed
that one out the park.
Let's hope Grant does
the same with Paisley.
- Will the agents' risk pay off?
- I'm just a bit nervous
that I'm meeting a stranger.
Is your name Grant?
- It is.
- Come here!
- Are we doing the hugs thing?
- Yeah let's have a hug.
- You alright?
- Yeah all good, all good.
- Paisley, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Shall we do this?
- Yeah let's do it.
Grant looks cute, he's smiling.
Here's hoping for a good date.
first blind date.
- I would normally know
what's on the menu,
do you know what I mean,
before you go on a date.
- We ain't got a clue.
- So what,
you're twenty-three, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Still got a bit of living to
do.
- Do you think so?
- When I was twenty-three,
I was DJing abroad in Kavos.
- Alright, Mark
Zuckerberg, stop showing off.
- Do you DJ?
- I do, yeah.
- OK so Grant seems a bit
intense
but who knows?
My first impressions might be
wrong.
- My man, I'm a keep at what I
know.
If you come with me,
you come with me with
something like a little.
I don't know what,
chicken wings.
- Why is he talking like that?
- How long has Tattoo Fixers
been running?
- Two seasons.
- So what, did you watch Love
Island
or anything
or do you not watch any other
television?
- Why, did you?
- I did, yeah.
I nearly got on Love Island.
- You nearly got on it?
- Yeah.
Why are you pulling faces there?
- Yeah.
- Why are you pulling faces?
- Do you really want to be on
telly?
- I wouldn't mind being on
telly.
- I know I'm on TV
and it's cool if he wants to be
on TV too
but he should be here
because he wants to date me.
- What's that saying anyway,
that drink?
- It's nice.
It's exactly what I ordered.
- Oh okay,
we're getting cheeky like that.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
What's wrong?
- What's wrong?
You wanting to be on Love Island
is like one of the biggest
turn-offs --
- Oh is it.
- So as soon as you said
that I'm just like okay.
Checked out a little bit, I'll
be honest.
- Okay that's calm like,
I never checked in to
start with so it's calm.
- You never checked in?
- So things are
not going great for Paisley
but back in Newcastle,
Jeavon's after the lowdown
on Charlotte's first date,
Danny.
- How was Danny?
- Who's Danny?
- Perfect.
Oh, Danny, Danny.
Danny?
Forget Danny,
I've got fit Jeavon in front of
me.
- I want the truth,
the whole truth
and nothing but the truth.
- Do you know what we did
happen to have a kiss.
Don't!
- I'm only joking.
- Oh my god!
- Oh he's so funny.
- Out of ten,
how did your date go?
- Seven.
- Well I'm aiming for a twelve
so.
- Really?
Do you think you can get a
twelve?
- No maybe,
maybe a nine and a half,
I'll go for a nine and a half.
- Nine and a half.
And he's confident.
I like it.
- Over in London,
Paisley's date with Grant seems
to have hit an all-time low.
- I literally just wanna get up
and run like as fast as my
little legs will take me.
Am I boring you?
- Stop checking, mate.
Love Island haven't called.
- After the
celebs proved they were shit
at picking their own dates.
Dating agents Nadia and
Eden have taken matters
into their own hands and chosen
dates for our single stars.
So far,
it's definitely been a learning
curve for all involved.
- Shit!
- Dating's really, really hard.
- After his
crap date with Natalie,
Joey was forced to face the
music.
- We're gonna phone her.
- This is more awkward than the
date was.
- Why?
Because we can.
The agents took a gamble on DJ
Grant
but he's currently making
Paisley's head spin.
- This is a nightmare, get me
out of here!
- On the flip side,
Charlotte's learnt not to
judge a book by its cover
or his bun in Jeavon's case.
- All I can see is this
fittie with a man bun.
- As their date continues,
naked butler Jeavon
suddenly has competition.
- Hey Charlotte, can I have an
autograph?
- Yes of course,
what's your name?
- Ted.
- Ted.
People come round for autographs
and selfies is a part
of like everyday life
so whoever I'm gonna end up with
has got
to accept that fact.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome, have a nice
day.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
See you later, Ted.
- Going to need it.
- See you later, yeah.
- Bye Ted.
- I'm gonna to need it.
Sound then.
Do you get that all the time?
- No, not autographs,
like photos.
- Selfies.
- You must get it being
a butler in the buff.
- Naked butler.
Just an apron, collar and cuffs.
- What if someone pulls the
apron off?
- Oh he comes out then don't it?
- I would 100% take Jeavon's
apron off
because you're not a naked
butler
if you're wearing an apron, are
you?
Me Mum's text us.
- What's she saying?
- I'm not telling you what she's
saying.
- You'd better be writing
nice things about me.
- I am!
- What are you saying?
- That you look really nice.
- Are you close to your Mum?
- Yeah but sometimes she
annoys us a little bit.
Don't all Mums annoy?
- No, my Mum's my queen.
- My Mum's sometimes
the queen, sometimes --
- No my mum, always the queen.
- Alright, mate, bit weird.
- Oh that's so sweet.
Me and my mam once had a
physical fight
because I spilt some curry on
the settee.
- A fight over
a curry with your Mum?
Sounds incredible.
- It was fine, we got over it in
the end.
We said it was a stupid thing
to have a physical fight over
and there was no punches thrown
anyway,
it was just a push.
- Talking of pushy mums,
Charlotte's mum just texted
asking for a selfie of the pair
and ever the gent,
Jeavon offers her the
best seat in the house.
- You come and sit on my lap.
- Of course I'll sit on your
lap, Jeavon,
but I just hope there's nothing
trying
to poke in my bum hole.
- I wish I could
believe you, Charlotte.
With things going so well for
Charlotte,
Grant really needs to pull
out his best date chat.
- What's your thoughts on,
about UFOs and stuff?
- Oh my god.
- Oh, Grant!
- What's my thoughts on UFOs?
- Do you believe in aliens?
- Yeah.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- I weren't expecting that.
Anyone who knows me,
that's what I'm all about.
- Okay.
- You ever heard of the
anunarki?
- What the fuck is he about?
He obviously doesn't fancy me
so I think he's just taking the
piss.
This chicken's nice though.
- Back in Newcastle,
things are moving so fast
they're already meeting parents.
- So my Mum said well he looks
fit.
- No she didn't.
- I'd better cover up my phone
so that he doesn't accidentally
see
that I thought he was a massive
minger before I got here.
Ring your Mum back.
- Alright I'm gonna ring her.
- Yeah, what first
date is complete without
the obligatory mum FaceTime?
- You alright darling?
I'm just here with Charlotte
now.
- I'm always so nervous to go
meet the Mum and Dad
because I'm thinking
what if they know what show I'm
from.
What if they think I
don't want my son being
with a girl like that.
Because that's definitely
what I would think.
Hi!
- Hi, you alright?
- How are you?
- Oh she definitely gets a ten.
- Oh!
- Are you drunk, Mum?
- Jeavon's mum thinks I'm lovely
and that is amazing.
Bye, lovely to meet you, bye!
- Bye!
- Love you, bye!
- That was very cute,
it melted my heart a little bit.
Oh my god,
I just got a massive fanny
flutter.
That's quite good.
- While Charlotte's
playing happy families.
- Are you tired?
- Things have got
even worse for poor Paisley
and the UFO-loving Kavos DJ.
- Are you glad you came?
- Am I glad I came?
Yeah.
Are you?
- I am
but I was a bit nervy
when you started dropping
that aura to me.
I felt like I had to
like make up for it then,
I had to like reel you back
in with a little genuine thing
but really
I'm a nice guy,
you know what I mean?
- Okay
- Do you wanna have a drink?
- Can I get a vodka lime soda
please?
- Vodka lime soda, yes.
- Thank you.
- Done with anything?
- No.
- Vodka lime soda.
- Back in Newcastle,
after almost ditching Jeavon
earlier,
Charlotte's about to eat a
dirty great slice of humble pie.
- I've had a really nice night.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Good.
- A very nice night.
- It's been good, yeah,
I've enjoyed myself.
- So I've had a better
time than I did with Danny
and I didn't think I would.
We've still got,
you've got to take me out.
- If I'm not busy.
- Shit!
I didn't even wanna come on this
date
and now I'm sliding off my chair
and swooning like a giddy
schoolgirl.
Please like us, Jeavon.
Wanna take us another date,
please.
Well I told you you're the
best person I've dated, ever.
- That's a lie.
There was a stutter there.
- I would never have just
let that come out of my mouth
if that was a lie.
- Imagine!
- Come on, let's drink up.
- Alright, let's go.
- The date went really well with
Charlotte
although she did turn
up like an hour late.
When she did turn up,
we did have a good laugh
but we enjoyed ourselves.
- Close your eyes, close your
eyes.
- Three, two, one.
- Which side are you gonna go?
- I'll go left.
Oh for fuck's sake!
- I'm gonna go right.
Since the moment I've met up
with Jeavon,
I've wanted to kiss him.
No are you
- Just put my hand.
- Beast meet Belle.
- Look at the cab driver.
He's thinking just don't
piss yourself, Crosby.
As Charlotte concludes her best
date ever,
surely things can't get
any worse for Paisley.
- You actually looking for a man
then?
Are you happy?
- I wouldn't be going on
blind dates if I wasn't.
- Alright, alright.
Let's hope you find him.
- Yeah.
- I'm intrigued to see who it
is.
- So am I.
Slurp it.
Is that nice?
- That's a man who's
trying to not impress.
- Do you not give a shit any
more?
- Are you for real?
Fucking hell!
Oh my god, I thought
this couldn't get worse
and then he burped at me.
He actually burped at me.
The fuck!
- After quite
possibly the worst date ever,
Paisley needs to let off some
steam to fellow dater, Steph.
- Steph, right so I'm on my
date, yeah.
Like fair enough we don't get
along.
He literally slurped his drink,
like the last little drips
of his drink out of his cup
and let out the dirtiest burp
you have ever fucking heard.
- Oh my god!
- Steph, like it was disgusting.
- Eeew. Eeew.
- I feel like I deserve a bloody
medal
because there were so many times
when I wanted to get up and
walk away from that table
but the burp was the final
straw.
- I guess it was a natural
burp ready to brew.
Just come out when it did.
- Worst date ever,
like worst date of my life
and I've only been on two.
He just like checked out
completely
and thought you know what,
well fuck it,
she don't care.
It doesn't matter,
I'm not trying to impress her.
Let me try and be as horrible
and vulgar as I possibly
can so that's what he did.
- There was a bit of arrogance
there.
I can't help it,
it's a defence mechanism.
A lot of real guys will
know about that, yeah.
- That's right, Grant.
Us real blokes all burp
when we feel threatened.
- I think we all need to go in
and talk to Nadia and Eden,
and be like what the
fuck are you guys doing?
- Yeah.
I'm really not happy,
I'll be honest with you,
like I'm really not happy.
What the hell are Nadia and Eden
thinking?
They're supposed to be breaking
me into
this whole dating game
and to be honest,
they couldn't be doing a better
job
of fucking putting me off.
- So after
taking a punt on Grant,
Nadia and Eden have their work
cut out
to get back in Paisley's good
books.
Meanwhile, Charlotte's decided
to finish her night of
romance with the food of love,
a filthy kebab.
- I'm in love with him.
He's the most attractive
thing since sliced bread.
I wanted to snog his face off.
I think next time we're gonna
have babies.
Me and Jeavon are a match made
in heaven.
It rhymed!
- Tomorrow night
someone's having bants.
- Wiggle wiggle wiggle.
- Someone's having rants.
- I don't bullshit.
- As our Celebs.
- She's handling your balls
already.
- Go.
- I look a bit sweaty now don't
I?
- Dating!
- I'm wearing a dress,
I can't show it.
- Oh and there's this.
these famous dating disasters
are looking for love.
Joey Essex
- I really want to meet a
salt and that's why I'm here.
- Stephanie Pratt!
- I don't want guys to
think if they date me
I'm gonna bring them on
TV and they'll be famous.
- Paisley Billings!
- I've never been in
love so I need the agents
to find me someone who
I can be myself with
and learn to love.
- Tyger Drew-Honey.
- My parents worked in the porn
industry.
What difference does that make?
- And Charlotte Crosby.
- I want unicorns,
I want butterflies,
I want fairytale love.
- They've signed up
to E4's Celebrity Dating Agency
to find
the one.
- How many inches are you?
- But in their
search for a soulmate,
these celebs aren't dating
famous people.
- It just don't seem to work.
- They're dating
- You!
- Oh my fucking god.
- Everyone stop panicking.
- Do you have a lot of sex?
- They've got three weeks.
- Hi.
- To meet and greet.
- Hey guys.
- Wine and dine.
Kiss or diss.
- It was disgusting.
- As many dates as possible.
- It was just awful.
- Before they must choose.
- Who's had chlamydia?
- Their perfect plus one.
- Tonight,
who will set the world alight?
- Ding ding ding ding.
- And who will be left in tears?
- I feel like so stupid
crying over this bullshit.
- As our Celebs.
- Oh my god.
- Go.
- Don't.
- Dating.
- Ooh, I look saucy tonight.
- Welcome to the
Celebrity Dating Agency.
- Hello, come in.
- Don't mind if I do, Tom.
Yesterday our five single stars
all went on their first dates,
dates which they chose
themselves.
- Would you like to go out?
- 100%.
- Charlotte's
date with Danny had snogs.
- Why not kiss him?
- But no spark.
- I'm just not massively excited
by him.
- Tyger's sexual antics
proved too much for Somto.
- You're gonna fuck a robot
today, Tyger.
- Steph found Ellis cute
- But his chat was insane.
- I actually got
circumcised three weeks ago.
- I don't wanna go on
another date with him.
- Joey's date with Flo.
- Went a big wrong.
- I don't really think she's my
type.
- And Paisley was well pleased
with her first ever date.
- Babe, we couldn't stop
talking.
- But
unfortunately Corrie weren't.
- Me and her would just be
better off as like friends.
- It's fair to say
our celebrities haven't got
a clue how to choose a decent
date.
- I chose the wrong guy.
- So with only
three weeks to find love,
it's time for our agents to
step in and earn their money.
As they take their stars out
of their dating comfort zones.
Joey's first back at the
agency to see who Nadia
and Eden have in mind
for him to date next.
- My date with Flo didn't really
work out.
- Handsome's back.
- She burped in my face,
it was too much burping.
- I'm so sorry.
- I'm quite excited to see
what the agency have got in
for me next.
Hopefully this one's a bit,
the chat's a bit better,
you know what I mean?
- You can bounce off
each other a bit more.
- Yeah
- Intellectually.
- Yeah.
Nadia and Eden are sending me on
a date
with someone I've never even met
before.
- Alright, well best of luck.
- Thank you.
So hopefully it'll be a salt.
- We'll introduce you to
Natalie.
- Oh!
- Is she a soul, Joey?
- Yeah she's a salt.
- Perfect.
- We kinda think that you'd be,
be a good match.
- She actually looks alright,
like she looks quite fit.
- So she's half Persian,
she used to be a model
but she gave it up because
she tired of the materialistic
life.
- She's got great chat, really
good.
- Is she from Bournemouth?
- Yeah.
- No way.
Me, Natalie by the seaside.
This could get sandy,
maybe even saucy.
- Don't get
sand in your sauce, Joey.
- Enjoy it.
- I will, definitely.
Can't wait.
- Right, bye.
- See you, Joey.
- Right, guys.
- After going
to a celebrity event
in Newcastle last night,
Charlotte's too hung-over.
I mean too tired
to make it into the agency.
So Nadia and Eden FaceTime her
at home.
- Hi.
Shut down move on
- With her first
date Danny not much cop,
it's now up to the agents
to pick her next one.
- And we've got the next
guy lined up and good to go.
- Do I know him?
- You know him.
It's Jeavon.
Jeavon.
- Jeavon.
- Jeavon.
- All right, when you walked
in I thought I'm in here.
- Why that face?
- Oh dear.
- Jeavon!
No, anyone but that rank, hairy
beast.
- Did you just face
plant our choice for you?
- This is gonna be the
longest night of my life.
- Why?
- Jeavon makes us feel sick.
- Shit
- Are you sure
it's not the black sambuca
from last night?
- He is nonsense straight hair.
- He is so much more than hair.
He is a strong,
manly man.
You're gonna have loads of fun,
he's a party boy as well.
- If you think he's so great,
why don't you just date him,
Nadia?
Well I mean there's not much
more
we can say about it is there,
so we're just gonna
have to see how it goes.
- Is she going to hang up on us
now?
- I'm waiting for the kick,
yeah.
So where are you gonna take him?
- I know a good bar on the Tyne.
- Oh god, I thought you said
you weren't gonna drink.
- I just feel like it's the only
thing
that's going to get us through
the night.
- So maybe it's time now to go
off-type,
with somebody who initially
you might not think,
"Oh god yeah he makes me
tingle,"
but something that can grow into
something meaningful, perhaps.
- I don't want it to grow into
anything.
He is absolutely not my type.
But that's not what love is.
What you're talking
about is growing a plant.
- No, what you're talking about
is lust.
- Mum!
Mum, will you come here please?
- Oh don't talk
to your mum about lust.
- We're getting the Mum.
- Mum, can you tell me
when you met my dad,
was it love and lust at the same
time?
- Yeah we had sex the first
night.
- Oh leave it out, Mum.
We don't need to hear this.
- And how long
have you been married for?
- Seventeen years and married
eleven.
- And it was not something
that you worked on and growed,
it was something that
was there straight away.
- I wanted to rip his clothes
off him.
- Exactly.
So my Mum happily married at
seventeen years is not a slag.
Based her first relationship
on the lust and the love.
- Well it is a process.
This is the next stage of the
process.
- Right okay.
Be honest and open,
I'll go and I'll learn.
Hopefully this will be
a date I will learn on.
- Have an open mind.
- Bye!
- That went well, guys.
- It was the one person I
didn't want to go on with,
he's rank.
- Her mum will absolutely
be sitting there being like,
"Well don't go on the date
then if you don't like him,
da da da."
- If you don't like him, don't
go.
- I don't think I can go.
- What's happening behind the
scenes now
is probably not good for us
because she --
- Fires are being stoked.
- Yeah.
- You could learn things from
it,
you could learn things from it.
- Downing gravy?
You didn't do that in your
work-out video.
- Bosh!
- We need to get back to Essex.
Here he is, psyching himself up
for his next date with 21
year old creative director,
Natalie.
- Before I go on a date,
I like to psych myself up and
do some exercise.
I mean some people would
rather just look in the mirror
and go,
"Ooh, I look saucy tonight."
- Yeah I do that all the time.
- Not me, I go for a skip.
The thing is if you do things
like this it sort of release,
it releases your like, is it
hormones?
- No it's not.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh what hormone
was released then, Joey?
- This is quite nice.
Hopefully I meet her and
I like her straight away
and then when the date goes
well, you know what I mean?
And like he's cooking food
in front of us both going
I've never met Natalie
before but from the picture,
she looked like a proper little
salt.
Maybe I might meet her,
might fall in love straight
away.
Fireworks, flowers, it's game
over.
I fall in love too quickly, man.
Takes me like three seconds,
like - bam,
I'm gonna like this girl.
You know that feeling when
you proper like someone,
you're so excited,
you think about them
constantly all the time
like you're thinking about
them on this journey.
I'll be probably texting her now
saying,
"I can't wait to see you."
Well, sort of yeah.
Look at her, look.
See her, salt,
she's going,
she's going.
- One salt at a time, Joey.
I reckon concentrating on
tonight's date
will be the naughtiest,
or sauciest, or the sickest,
or whatever it is you say.
Just concentrate on Natalie.
Back at the agency,
Paisley cannot wait to chat
about her date
with Corrie last night.
- Hi girl, how you doing?
- All good, how are we?
- Good.
- Good.
- I think me and Corrie really
get on.
We had loads to talk about
and we've got loads in common.
I honestly think it went really
well.
- How was last night?
- I went on my first ever date,
ever.
- Yaaaay!
- It has happened.
- It's happened.
- Yeah.
- How did you feel on it?
- We really got on,
we had loads to talk about,
we had loads in common.
I'm really excited to see Corrie
again,
I can't wait for our second
date.
- Sounds like
Paisley had a blinding date
but now it's time to find out
whether Corrie felt the same.
- Okay,
well we've got Corrie's feedback
form
and unfortunately he doesn't
want to go on a second date.
- That hurts.
- Really?
- Okay, I' just gonna borrow
this.
- There were some beautiful,
even though he didn't wanna
see you for a second date,
there was some beautiful,
very touching and very
honest feedback which,
given it's your first date,
we were super-impressed by.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- So then why did he not
want to see me again?
- Because if you want it
straight,
you went out on a mate date.
- It really sucks to hear that.
Maybe it was a mate date
but why couldn't he have
just told me at the time?
This is hard.
- Are you disappointed?
- Look, I don't know if
I'm ready for all this.
I don't know if I can be a big
girl.
Can we literally like stop for a
minute?
Can we, please, because --
- Sure.
- Yeah.
I just need to go out for a
minute.
Cool!
- No problemo.
Wow!
- This is big shit to her.
- Huge.
- She's taking it seriously.
- I'm worried she's gonna quit.
I'm worried she can't handle
it and she's going to quit.
- I just don't know if this is
for me.
- With Paisley
being new to the dating game
and as the first celebrity
to have been hurt.
Nadia and Eden are worried.
- This is big shit to her.
- Huge.
I'm worried she's gonna quit.
I'm worried she can't handle
it and she's going to quit.
- Will Paisley leave the Agency?
And give up dating all together.
- I've just got this incline
she's gonna find it in herself
to battle on.
- I hope so, she's a
tough cookie.
- Cause she's gonna concentrate
on all the positives.
- Oh.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
I just needed a minute.
- Yeah.
- Needed a moment.
- Yeah.
We're really both emotionally
invested in you, Paisley
because you know clearly it
means a lot.
Okay he wasn't the one for you
but hey, listen,
you've got to kiss a few frogs
before you find your prince.
- If they'll even kiss
you but okay.
- You will.
- I need to be strong
and take it on the chin.
If I can move past this,
I think it'll be really good for
me.
- Go on, girl, Corrie who?
- What we've got to do
now is take all everything
that he took from.
Hello.
- Hey.
- Oh you're an angel.
All the feedback from you and
Corrie.
- Yeah.
- Put into the next date with,
Grant.
- Who the hell is Grant?
Grant.
Who the fuck is Grant?
- Yeah who the fuck is Grant?
- Grant --
- Oh god, I'm scared now.
- Don't be scared, why are you
scared?
- Cause he's a stranger.
At least I'd like met Corrie
before
and I was like okay yeah,
I'll be fine because he's cool.
- Well yeah but that
didn't work out too well.
- Well it didn't, did it?
But now I'm scared.
Who's Grant?
What does
- On paper, you two like.
- Yeah, yeah
but who the fuck is Grant?
- Hello my name's Grant,
I'm twenty-seven years old,
I'm from Milton Keynes.
- Oh yeah,
Grant from Milton Keynes.
- I work in medical recruitment
as a client executive.
I've been DJing since I was 13
years old.
My friends would probably
say I'm crazy for doing this
but look, you live once.
I wouldn't mind settling
down so here we are.
- The kind of girl he wants
to get is big on personality,
bubbly, sassy, outgoing.
- Opinionated that's what he
wants.
- Okay.
- Ding ding ding ding.
- Yeah, boxes ticked.
- How does that all sound to
you?
- Good.
It does, sounds good.
- Double thumbs-up.
- And a smile.
I'm excited for this date.
It's probably good for me to
get back on the horse quickly,
so to speak.
- You're dating.
How do you feel?
- Good.
I do feel good.
- Good.
- Right, thanks guys.
See you later.
- Bye.
- See ya.
- Paisley is so new to the
dating game,
it's hard to establish
what her type is right now.
Therefore setting her up with
Grant is a bit of a risk.
They both love music and he's a
DJ
but they are also both
strong-minded.
They could get on like a house
on fire
or there could be fireworks.
Welcome to the dating game,
Paisley!
- With Paisley back in the game
and happily set up on her
blind date with Grant,
it's time for Joey to
finally meet his date.
- What's her name again?
- Natalie, Joey.
It's Natalie.
- So I'm half Persian.
Persian girls are known
to be fiery and feisty.
That's probably where I
get my personality from
because it's not normal.
My main passion is to make a
good living by the time I'm 25.
Dating a celebrity would be
something
that makes me more excited,
like I'm dating a celeb!
Not someone normal.
- Having never met before,
Joey's meeting whatever her name
is
outside a Teppanyaki
restaurant in Chelsea.
I don't know what that means
either.
Let's hope the agents have
pulled it off.
- I do have a type.
I normally go for like
brunette, slim, nice.
- You might
be in luck, my old son.
It's brunette, slim, nice
Natalie.
- Joey.
- Natalie.
- Natalie, nice to meet you.
Have you been here before?
- No I haven't.
- That's a good thing, nor have
I.
She looks peng.
- What?
Come on, mate.
You're just making words up now.
- Oh my god, this is so nice.
- How sick is this?
Oh my god!
Do you like a Porn Style
Martini?
- Love Porn Style Martini!
- Yes, give me five.
We're already doing well,
we're doing well.
We've got things in common, you
know.
What's this hibamati chicken?
Are you clever?
- I am clever.
- Are you?
- I am clever.
- Well how clever?
- I went to uni.
- I like that she's clever,
I mean I'm not academically
clever so
I would like a clever girl.
- I'd like
a girl that just knows
what Teppanyaki means.
- What are you,
what are you looking for in a
boy?
- Looks like Joey's well keen.
- Oh my god,
like literally the first thing.
- I mean do you want me to say
well I don't know what to say?
- So
I've like been on dates with
guys
but they've just been
like a bit too full-on.
- I mean some people are just
weird.
- But then like I get,
I get like some people
are different because,
but then --
- I'm weird.
- And that's
why we love you, Joey.
I'm not sure she's feeling the
same.
- I'll bring
your shot in a moment.
- Thank you.
How long have you been single
for?
- Do you know what?
- Oh my god!
- What?
- What?
- What was you about to say?
- No no, go on.
- I've been single for --
- Do you know how long
you've been single for?
No because I like,
I see girls but they're not
relationships.
I don't really have a
relationship.
- Yeah, seeing someone.
- What I was gonna ask you as
well?
- What?
This feels like an interview.
- Is she for real?
- Oh god,
after a pretty good start,
this date is going downhill
fast.
- I don't know,
I'd rather question than it go
silent.
- Just sit there.
- Yeah.
I don't know,
anything you wanna ask me?
She doesn't really seem like
she has that much to say to me,
like I don't know if she's
nervous or not.
Anyway.
- It's alright.
- Is this our starters?
- Oh nice, thank you.
Can you eat with chopsticks?
- What, soup?
She keeps looking at me,
rolling her eyes.
- It's just like normal things.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know like I'm really, really
ditzy
but she's making me feel like
I'm really, really thick.
- So I'm half Persian.
- Yeah.
- So were like --
- Right, Persian so --
- Okay what?
- Right, when you say Persian,
do you mean like - what's a
Persian?
I know what a Persian is sort
of.
I mean I've met,
I know --
- What do you think it is?
- I know a Persian girl
but I never really just
thought of asking her this.
What does Persian mean?
Because I know about the Persian
cats.
- I used to have a Persian cat.
- Did you really?
Yeah, they're cute cats.
I genuinely think that
there's more possibility
of me having more fun with her
cats
than I am with her on this date.
What else, what else, what else?
- What do you wanna know?
- Oh my bum hole is clenching.
Where's a knife-wielding
chef when you need one?
Here he is, what were the
chances?
- Pro, pro chef right there.
That's like proper segmented.
Oh my god!
- I'm not sure you've
read the room there, mate.
Come on guys, the show's over.
Have a chat, will you?
It's a date.
- It's so hot in here innit?
- This date
is like a chat vacuum.
- Wish I could cook like that.
What's the worst date you've
been on?
- The worst I've ever
been on is probably --
- This one?
- Pardon?
- This one?
- I don't know really.
- Oh come on, Joey.
She's exactly the type you asked
for.
You can still turn it around.
- Are you
all natural?
- Natural about what?
- Oh god.
- I can't handle this any
longer.
I need air,
I need space,
I can't handle the cringiness.
I just need to get away from
here,
I need to bolt.
I'm busting for the toilet, by
the way.
- Go.
- Can I go?
- Just go.
- I don't think he's going
to the toilet, Natalie.
- This is the part where
I just go on the phone.
- I'll be two secs.
I can't sit in this date any
longer.
- After his date
with Natalie has gone tits up
in a Teppanyaki restaurant.
- It has been bad, it's been
really weird.
I'm having to think of
questions like she called me
an interviewer at one point.
- Joey has legged it outside
to phone his best mate, Dan.
- It ain't working, man.
- Is there not a fire escape?
- He's thinking about bolting.
- Oh mate, well.
- So the question
is will he stay or will he go?
- Mate just run,
trust me man,
it's long, mate.
- I know,
that's what I mean,
I mean we would run wouldn't we?
I don't know what to do, man,
I need someone to save
me in this sad moment
of Joey Essex's life.
I feel bad saying it.
Cause she's such a nice girl
but I just.
Oh!
Oh my god,
I've got to pay for the bill,
man.
I can't let her pay for the bill
but I might just go down
there and pay for the bill.
Maybe I could say I'm going
toilet again and leave.
- And after all that,
Joey decides to be a gentleman
and go back in for the
final course of awkwardness.
You can do it, Joey.
- I took quite long.
- What the hell!
What did you do there?
- It's a long story.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
- Joey, you are an awful liar.
- It's a very long story.
Oh no, do you know what?
She probably thinks I've been in
for a poo
but then I suppose it's
better than her thinking
what I'm actually thinking,
do you know what I mean?
- Can you sort yourself out?
- Sorry,
I'm just really hot and I'm
really --
- You don't know what to do with
yourself?
- No.
I made it to the end
and I suppose that's what
matters.
I didn't run off.
- Poor Natalie.
- It's been a good first date.
- Yeah.
- Try and sound
a bit convincing, Joey.
- He's a lot more funny
than I thought he would be.
Yeah it was a good date.
- Alright then, well
yeah lovely to meet you.
Me and her,
there's no click at all.
- Personality-wise,
I think we just got on really
well
and that's kind of what
I look for in a guy.
- Later!
- Yeah I would like to see him
again.
- I'm outside right now
about to get in my whip
and just close that door and go.
- It's a new day
and our celebrities are still
searching
for love with a normal
non-celebrity human.
Paisley's looking to bounce back
from Corrie on a blind date with
Grant.
- Look at you.
- Yeah!
- And at her home in Newcastle,
Charlotte could not be
more excited to see Jeavon.
- I'm going on a date
with someone who I don't,
I know I don't like.
I'd rather eat glass.
- That's a bit harsh, Charlotte.
He can't be that bad.
- I'm a mechanic but
I'm also a naked butler.
Bit of a mummy's boy
so if I ever bring a girl
back and she's not happy,
then she'll tell me and if
she says she's got to go,
she's got to go.
- Why do I have to go?
I'd rather be a baked bean.
Their only purpose in life
is to make people fart.
I'm not bothered if he fancies
us or not.
I'd rather him not.
- Don't get down about it, man.
It'll be alright.
- I'm not down about it.
It's just a waste of time.
- You don't know he might be
alright.
- I hate his name?
- Jeavon.
- I hate his hair.
I hate everything about him.
I don't wanna go.
Who's called fucking Jeavon?
- No one.
He's called Jeavon, Charlotte.
Don't give me that look.
Meanwhile over at the agency,
Joey is back for his debrief
on yet another disastrous date.
What's gone wrong, mate?
- What are you saying
- Oh that's such bad luck, Joey.
- Oh is it?
- I think that Joey is
very warm.
- Maybe I'm never gonna
find the girl of my dreams.
- No, of course you will.
Funny!
Well if all else fails, you can
have me.
- What's happening bruv?
- Delicious.
- Whilst Tom
takes a cold shower.
Joey fills the agency in on
Natalie.
- I just, I dunno, she wasn't
for me.
I mean I'm guessing she probably
loved it.
- Why would you say that?
- Because I just.
what?
- Expand on that.
Why do you think she loved it?
- Cause she got a date with Joey
Essex.
- I knew he was gonna say that.
- Alright big head,
we can't all be Joey bloody
Essex.
- Do you know what I think we're
gonna do?
We're gonna phone her.
- Oh what!
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
They're actually gonna
make me speak to her?
Oh my god, this is my worst
nightmare.
- Hello!
- Hello, is that Natalie?
- Hiya, yeah.
- So we're just looking for some
sort of
honest feedback about how
your date went with Joey
and you know.
- Joey's sweet, he's a nice guy.
And yeah I had a really fun
time.
- And did he ask
you lots of questions?
- Yeah he did, yeah.
- Did you think
that was a good thing though
or did you feel a little bit
like it was too many questions?
- No no, that's a
good thing because it shows
that he's interested.
- She didn't say that.
I'm so confused.
I don't get them vibes at all.
Bullshit!
- You know what I mean?
- Well it would be good to get
some
constructive feedback from Joey.
- Oh my god,
this is more awkward than the
date was
and that was awks.
- Yeah no I thought it was good
but --
- Bullshit.
- Elaborate.
- As Joey tries
to avoid ever making
conversation with Natalie again.
Charlotte's also coming up with
a new plan
to avoid her dreaded date with
Jeavon.
- What about if I get so drunk
that I fall from the chair onto
the floor,
have a major accident and have
to be taken away to hospital?
- Good plan, Charlotte.
The way Joey looks right now,
I think you'll be seeing him
there.
- Be honest.
This is your chance, Joey,
to be really honest.
Nice and constructive because
just say,
it will help, honestly.
- Hello.
- I've had phone calls about PPI
that are more fun than this.
- I felt like you thought I was
trying
to mug you off a little bit
and then you like eye-rolled me.
- No, I think
I was just joking then.
- Oh.
- So what's that about?
- I don't know.
Maybe it was your hair
in a way of your face
so maybe your eyebrows were
hurting.
- Oh yeah you know when you get
the old sore eyebrows.
- Maybe, I don't know.
I didn't realise that I came
across rude.
- Oh my god,
it's just like,
it's so hard to read new people.
This dating scene is difficult.
- Well thank you so
much, Natalie.
- Thanks!
- Bye.
- See you later.
- See you later, bye.
- A lot of work, mate.
- Joey.
- What?
- She sounds lovely.
- Yeah well she weren't
like that on the date.
Look,
I know I'm being picky but
Joey Essex needs perfection.
- So as Joey
narrows down his search
for perfection,
down in south London our
girl Paisley's getting ready
for the big date with Grant.
- So how was the last date?
- Oh don't bring that up, MUm.
Just nip your cava and keep
quiet.
- So he.
- Well he was just being really
fake
and he just wanted to be famous.
- Oh that's sad.
So, clear mind, ready for
tonight?
- Yeah I'm gonna --
- This person is not that
person.
- Yeah it's a new person
so they don't deserve to be like
Tarnished with that brush.
- Pre-judged
with the Corrie brush.
You see this?
This is the Corrie brush.
Are you ready?
- Yup
- Right.
According to Nadia and Eden,
they have found me the
perfect match in Grant
so hopefully they are as
good as they say they are.
I'm on a blind date with a DJ.
- Whoop, whoop.
- What's the worst that could
happen?
- Paisley couldn't
be happier as she skips off
to her first ever blind date
but after her experience last
time,
there's a lot riding on this
one.
Precisely 53 minutes and
12 seconds after arriving,
Jeavon is still waiting
for Charlotte to turn up.
To be fair though,
this could be the nicest
53 minutes and 12 seconds
of the entire date.
- Oh!
I really don't wanna be here
and all I'm thinking is
how can I get out of this?
I wonder if I just throw
myself into the Tyne,
I would be able to go home.
I've delayed this as much as I
can
in the hope that he might have
given up
and gone home.
- She even turned up?
I've never been stood up on a
date.
- Where the hell's Jeavon?
All I can see is this
fittie with a man bun.
- Hi Charlotte,
you're looking gorgeous.
- Right I'm not doing --
- What do you want?
What do you want?
- Shit!
Do I look okay?
- I've got you a little gift.
- Did ya?
Oh he's got us a gift.
That is so sweet.
Thank you.
- Just so you know --
- That is so nice.
- Yeah?
- I feel so bad about
being so horrible now.
- Well, Jeavon totally smashed
that one out the park.
Let's hope Grant does
the same with Paisley.
- Will the agents' risk pay off?
- I'm just a bit nervous
that I'm meeting a stranger.
Is your name Grant?
- It is.
- Come here!
- Are we doing the hugs thing?
- Yeah let's have a hug.
- You alright?
- Yeah all good, all good.
- Paisley, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Shall we do this?
- Yeah let's do it.
Grant looks cute, he's smiling.
Here's hoping for a good date.
first blind date.
- I would normally know
what's on the menu,
do you know what I mean,
before you go on a date.
- We ain't got a clue.
- So what,
you're twenty-three, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Still got a bit of living to
do.
- Do you think so?
- When I was twenty-three,
I was DJing abroad in Kavos.
- Alright, Mark
Zuckerberg, stop showing off.
- Do you DJ?
- I do, yeah.
- OK so Grant seems a bit
intense
but who knows?
My first impressions might be
wrong.
- My man, I'm a keep at what I
know.
If you come with me,
you come with me with
something like a little.
I don't know what,
chicken wings.
- Why is he talking like that?
- How long has Tattoo Fixers
been running?
- Two seasons.
- So what, did you watch Love
Island
or anything
or do you not watch any other
television?
- Why, did you?
- I did, yeah.
I nearly got on Love Island.
- You nearly got on it?
- Yeah.
Why are you pulling faces there?
- Yeah.
- Why are you pulling faces?
- Do you really want to be on
telly?
- I wouldn't mind being on
telly.
- I know I'm on TV
and it's cool if he wants to be
on TV too
but he should be here
because he wants to date me.
- What's that saying anyway,
that drink?
- It's nice.
It's exactly what I ordered.
- Oh okay,
we're getting cheeky like that.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
What's wrong?
- What's wrong?
You wanting to be on Love Island
is like one of the biggest
turn-offs --
- Oh is it.
- So as soon as you said
that I'm just like okay.
Checked out a little bit, I'll
be honest.
- Okay that's calm like,
I never checked in to
start with so it's calm.
- You never checked in?
- So things are
not going great for Paisley
but back in Newcastle,
Jeavon's after the lowdown
on Charlotte's first date,
Danny.
- How was Danny?
- Who's Danny?
- Perfect.
Oh, Danny, Danny.
Danny?
Forget Danny,
I've got fit Jeavon in front of
me.
- I want the truth,
the whole truth
and nothing but the truth.
- Do you know what we did
happen to have a kiss.
Don't!
- I'm only joking.
- Oh my god!
- Oh he's so funny.
- Out of ten,
how did your date go?
- Seven.
- Well I'm aiming for a twelve
so.
- Really?
Do you think you can get a
twelve?
- No maybe,
maybe a nine and a half,
I'll go for a nine and a half.
- Nine and a half.
And he's confident.
I like it.
- Over in London,
Paisley's date with Grant seems
to have hit an all-time low.
- I literally just wanna get up
and run like as fast as my
little legs will take me.
Am I boring you?
- Stop checking, mate.
Love Island haven't called.
- After the
celebs proved they were shit
at picking their own dates.
Dating agents Nadia and
Eden have taken matters
into their own hands and chosen
dates for our single stars.
So far,
it's definitely been a learning
curve for all involved.
- Shit!
- Dating's really, really hard.
- After his
crap date with Natalie,
Joey was forced to face the
music.
- We're gonna phone her.
- This is more awkward than the
date was.
- Why?
Because we can.
The agents took a gamble on DJ
Grant
but he's currently making
Paisley's head spin.
- This is a nightmare, get me
out of here!
- On the flip side,
Charlotte's learnt not to
judge a book by its cover
or his bun in Jeavon's case.
- All I can see is this
fittie with a man bun.
- As their date continues,
naked butler Jeavon
suddenly has competition.
- Hey Charlotte, can I have an
autograph?
- Yes of course,
what's your name?
- Ted.
- Ted.
People come round for autographs
and selfies is a part
of like everyday life
so whoever I'm gonna end up with
has got
to accept that fact.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome, have a nice
day.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
See you later, Ted.
- Going to need it.
- See you later, yeah.
- Bye Ted.
- I'm gonna to need it.
Sound then.
Do you get that all the time?
- No, not autographs,
like photos.
- Selfies.
- You must get it being
a butler in the buff.
- Naked butler.
Just an apron, collar and cuffs.
- What if someone pulls the
apron off?
- Oh he comes out then don't it?
- I would 100% take Jeavon's
apron off
because you're not a naked
butler
if you're wearing an apron, are
you?
Me Mum's text us.
- What's she saying?
- I'm not telling you what she's
saying.
- You'd better be writing
nice things about me.
- I am!
- What are you saying?
- That you look really nice.
- Are you close to your Mum?
- Yeah but sometimes she
annoys us a little bit.
Don't all Mums annoy?
- No, my Mum's my queen.
- My Mum's sometimes
the queen, sometimes --
- No my mum, always the queen.
- Alright, mate, bit weird.
- Oh that's so sweet.
Me and my mam once had a
physical fight
because I spilt some curry on
the settee.
- A fight over
a curry with your Mum?
Sounds incredible.
- It was fine, we got over it in
the end.
We said it was a stupid thing
to have a physical fight over
and there was no punches thrown
anyway,
it was just a push.
- Talking of pushy mums,
Charlotte's mum just texted
asking for a selfie of the pair
and ever the gent,
Jeavon offers her the
best seat in the house.
- You come and sit on my lap.
- Of course I'll sit on your
lap, Jeavon,
but I just hope there's nothing
trying
to poke in my bum hole.
- I wish I could
believe you, Charlotte.
With things going so well for
Charlotte,
Grant really needs to pull
out his best date chat.
- What's your thoughts on,
about UFOs and stuff?
- Oh my god.
- Oh, Grant!
- What's my thoughts on UFOs?
- Do you believe in aliens?
- Yeah.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- I weren't expecting that.
Anyone who knows me,
that's what I'm all about.
- Okay.
- You ever heard of the
anunarki?
- What the fuck is he about?
He obviously doesn't fancy me
so I think he's just taking the
piss.
This chicken's nice though.
- Back in Newcastle,
things are moving so fast
they're already meeting parents.
- So my Mum said well he looks
fit.
- No she didn't.
- I'd better cover up my phone
so that he doesn't accidentally
see
that I thought he was a massive
minger before I got here.
Ring your Mum back.
- Alright I'm gonna ring her.
- Yeah, what first
date is complete without
the obligatory mum FaceTime?
- You alright darling?
I'm just here with Charlotte
now.
- I'm always so nervous to go
meet the Mum and Dad
because I'm thinking
what if they know what show I'm
from.
What if they think I
don't want my son being
with a girl like that.
Because that's definitely
what I would think.
Hi!
- Hi, you alright?
- How are you?
- Oh she definitely gets a ten.
- Oh!
- Are you drunk, Mum?
- Jeavon's mum thinks I'm lovely
and that is amazing.
Bye, lovely to meet you, bye!
- Bye!
- Love you, bye!
- That was very cute,
it melted my heart a little bit.
Oh my god,
I just got a massive fanny
flutter.
That's quite good.
- While Charlotte's
playing happy families.
- Are you tired?
- Things have got
even worse for poor Paisley
and the UFO-loving Kavos DJ.
- Are you glad you came?
- Am I glad I came?
Yeah.
Are you?
- I am
but I was a bit nervy
when you started dropping
that aura to me.
I felt like I had to
like make up for it then,
I had to like reel you back
in with a little genuine thing
but really
I'm a nice guy,
you know what I mean?
- Okay
- Do you wanna have a drink?
- Can I get a vodka lime soda
please?
- Vodka lime soda, yes.
- Thank you.
- Done with anything?
- No.
- Vodka lime soda.
- Back in Newcastle,
after almost ditching Jeavon
earlier,
Charlotte's about to eat a
dirty great slice of humble pie.
- I've had a really nice night.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Good.
- A very nice night.
- It's been good, yeah,
I've enjoyed myself.
- So I've had a better
time than I did with Danny
and I didn't think I would.
We've still got,
you've got to take me out.
- If I'm not busy.
- Shit!
I didn't even wanna come on this
date
and now I'm sliding off my chair
and swooning like a giddy
schoolgirl.
Please like us, Jeavon.
Wanna take us another date,
please.
Well I told you you're the
best person I've dated, ever.
- That's a lie.
There was a stutter there.
- I would never have just
let that come out of my mouth
if that was a lie.
- Imagine!
- Come on, let's drink up.
- Alright, let's go.
- The date went really well with
Charlotte
although she did turn
up like an hour late.
When she did turn up,
we did have a good laugh
but we enjoyed ourselves.
- Close your eyes, close your
eyes.
- Three, two, one.
- Which side are you gonna go?
- I'll go left.
Oh for fuck's sake!
- I'm gonna go right.
Since the moment I've met up
with Jeavon,
I've wanted to kiss him.
No are you
- Just put my hand.
- Beast meet Belle.
- Look at the cab driver.
He's thinking just don't
piss yourself, Crosby.
As Charlotte concludes her best
date ever,
surely things can't get
any worse for Paisley.
- You actually looking for a man
then?
Are you happy?
- I wouldn't be going on
blind dates if I wasn't.
- Alright, alright.
Let's hope you find him.
- Yeah.
- I'm intrigued to see who it
is.
- So am I.
Slurp it.
Is that nice?
- That's a man who's
trying to not impress.
- Do you not give a shit any
more?
- Are you for real?
Fucking hell!
Oh my god, I thought
this couldn't get worse
and then he burped at me.
He actually burped at me.
The fuck!
- After quite
possibly the worst date ever,
Paisley needs to let off some
steam to fellow dater, Steph.
- Steph, right so I'm on my
date, yeah.
Like fair enough we don't get
along.
He literally slurped his drink,
like the last little drips
of his drink out of his cup
and let out the dirtiest burp
you have ever fucking heard.
- Oh my god!
- Steph, like it was disgusting.
- Eeew. Eeew.
- I feel like I deserve a bloody
medal
because there were so many times
when I wanted to get up and
walk away from that table
but the burp was the final
straw.
- I guess it was a natural
burp ready to brew.
Just come out when it did.
- Worst date ever,
like worst date of my life
and I've only been on two.
He just like checked out
completely
and thought you know what,
well fuck it,
she don't care.
It doesn't matter,
I'm not trying to impress her.
Let me try and be as horrible
and vulgar as I possibly
can so that's what he did.
- There was a bit of arrogance
there.
I can't help it,
it's a defence mechanism.
A lot of real guys will
know about that, yeah.
- That's right, Grant.
Us real blokes all burp
when we feel threatened.
- I think we all need to go in
and talk to Nadia and Eden,
and be like what the
fuck are you guys doing?
- Yeah.
I'm really not happy,
I'll be honest with you,
like I'm really not happy.
What the hell are Nadia and Eden
thinking?
They're supposed to be breaking
me into
this whole dating game
and to be honest,
they couldn't be doing a better
job
of fucking putting me off.
- So after
taking a punt on Grant,
Nadia and Eden have their work
cut out
to get back in Paisley's good
books.
Meanwhile, Charlotte's decided
to finish her night of
romance with the food of love,
a filthy kebab.
- I'm in love with him.
He's the most attractive
thing since sliced bread.
I wanted to snog his face off.
I think next time we're gonna
have babies.
Me and Jeavon are a match made
in heaven.
It rhymed!
- Tomorrow night
someone's having bants.
- Wiggle wiggle wiggle.
- Someone's having rants.
- I don't bullshit.
- As our Celebs.
- She's handling your balls
already.
- Go.
- I look a bit sweaty now don't
I?
- Dating!
- I'm wearing a dress,
I can't show it.
- Oh and there's this.