iZombie (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Dead Air - full transcript
Liv gains insight after eating the brains of a talk show host who specialized in relationships.
Liv: Previously on izombie...
You think you can cure this?
You were expecting
to stay like this forever?
So you're using the rats
in search for a cure?
Have you guys seen my friend?
Brother, i just saw him.
We'll have you
to him in no time.
Major found the candyman
and someone else.
He thinks they're responsible
for the missing kids.
Liv: Major is not gonna let
this go. He'll go after them.
-(police sirens wailing)
-whoa!
Look, that's him,
the candyman.
He's got a human brain
in that ice chest right there!
Guard: A little thank you for
the seattle observer article.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Oh! No.
No.
No! Aieee!
Ow! I forgot the safe word.
What's the safe word?
Kelly clarkson! Ping pong!
(gasps)
Ah! Ah, yes.
That's better.
That's the ticket.
That's a good boy.
-Your reward in the kingdom
of heaven will be great.
-Enough.
Just relax.
Breathe into it.
Liv: I'd forgotten what
it was like to be touched.
This foot-rub dessert
is tasty.
-(cell phone vibrating)
-the main course was...
(cell phone vibrating)
Do you need to grab
that very early phone call?
(sighs)
Woman on radio: A juicy,
mouth-watering
thick slab of beef.
Liv: "life" or whatever
we zombies agree to call
the daily grind,
Means being bombarded
with almost constant reminders
Of the things we can
no longer enjoy.
Woman on radio: ...Dripping
with aged cheddar cheese.
Liv: Cheeseburgers.
Man on radio: Give
the gift of life. Give blood.
Liv: A rosy complexion.
Woman on radio: Estate
planning, the peace of mind
that lasts for generations.
Liv: Progeny.
Woman on radio:
Have your assets
preserved for your heirs.
Call your friends at...
Liv: Sex, on the other hand...
Ahhh!
That's back on the menu
for this zombie.
Sasha on radio:
...Frequent caller
cheated on in chattanooga,
Who thinks her husband
might be getting his kicks
at another woman's shoe store.
Cheated, what's the 411?
Cheated (in southern accent):
I finally caught the two of
'em, followed 'em to a hotel.
They were basically
dry humping in the lobby.
Sasha: Cheated,
you know i always
give it to you straight.
It's time to cut
that man loose.
Cheated: I'm keepin' my man,
dr. Sasha.
It's the slut
he's hooking up with
that i'm gonna murder.
(car honks)
Sasha: I know i talk a lot
about self-empowerment, but
that doesn't include murder.
Cheated: Maybe
i could get some help
from my fellow listeners!
Call in if you see
a powder-blue convertible
with these plates,
-I wrote 'em down, 8-2-3...
-Sasha: No, no, no, no.
Cheated: ...G-a...
Sasha: No, stop!
-(dial tone)
-sasha: Hello?
Cheated, we need to talk about
this. Please call back in.
What about that place
down on ...
I don't know,
what you're thinking,
some takeout?
I could go for thai.
Yeah. Spring rolls?
Excuse me.
I was wondering
if you've received
Any further news about when
my friend might be released.
Yeah, but i'm
keeping it to myself
Because i enjoy these chats we
have every 15 minutes or so.
-Maybe don't be friends
with criminals.
-(snickers)
(exhales)
(footsteps approaching)
Clerk: Could go for some
butter chicken right now,
that's for sure.
Or french.
What about french?
Peyton charles,
assistant district attorney.
Gotta go.
Do you notice anything missing
with this paperwork?
Save your eyes.
It's missing a time stamp,
which means
The prisoner is being
held in violation of
habeas corpus statutes.
-I could put the stamp on now.
-Are you offering
to commit forgery?
-No.
-Get him out. Now.
And hope to hell
he doesn't go to
the press or sue,
Cause it'll be
both our asses.
I read it for the articles.
(snickers)
The prisoner's being released.
Fifteen minutes, tops.
Make it five.
Oh, my god.
(theme song playing)
What did they do to you
in there?
There seemed to be some lesson
i was meant to learn.
You may need to put me
on retainer, young man.
I'm... I'm sorry. And you are?
This is my roommate ravi,
liv's boss.
Ravi, this is peyton,
liv's roommate.
I did try to call liv.
-You did what?
-Horrible idea.
We'd have
two messes to clean up.
Have you looked in a mirror?
I have a feeling
people who are friends
with social workers
Don't ask this question a lot,
but who were you fighting with
this week?
Sons of anarchy, i think.
Guards commuted their
sentences to 20 minutes
of beating the hell out of me.
Hey, word of advice.
Try not getting arrested
the day after you're quoted
On the front page of the paper
saying that local police
are indifferent
To the disappearance
of the underclass.
If you want to sue the city,
i can put you in touch
with someone.
No, the only witnesses
were the guards and
the guys whipping my ass.
It's a waste of my time.
I just wanna find out what
happened to jerome and eddie.
What?
All right, look... Um...
(clears throat)
You know the, uh,
emily sparrow disappearance?
She was kidnapped by, uh,
space-alien worshipping,
Sister-wife collecting
cultists. A married couple.
The, uh...
The police found the remains
of a number of the skate park
kids at their compound.
Jerome and eddie?
You...
You did everything you could.
I mean, they couldn't have had
anyone more in their corner.
It's over now.
I've known in my gut
that they were gone,
But i've seen things.
If i told you,
you wouldn't believe me.
I know who killed
jerome and eddie,
And it wasn't these two.
Everything the police tell you
in this town is a lie.
This is a long way from over.
Sasha:
Cheated on in chattanooga,
we're all concerned about you.
-Please call back.
-Sorry i'm late.
I had to help a friend
with a legal matter.
Shh!
Cheated on in chattanooga
threatened to kill her
husband's mistress on air.
Sasha, the host, is
trying to talk her out of it,
but she won't call back in.
Really, liv?
-I'm surprised you find this
trashy, lowest-common...
-Zip it!
Sasha: Come on, ladies.
The world is full
of eligible men,
-And not one of them is...
-(electronic zapping sound)
-What just happened?
-No idea.
-(electronic disturbance)
-woman: Sasha!
Man 1: Oh, my god,
what's happening?
Woman: Sasha! Sasha!
Man 1: Shut it off!
Shut it off!
Shut it off!
Man 2: Somebody
call an ambulance!
Man 1: Sasha!
I stand corrected.
This is compelling radio.
Ravi: The electricity entered
the body through her hands.
The current then passed
through her chest cavity.
Causing instant
cardiac arrest.
Electrocution is
an extremely rare cause
of accidental death.
Well, wasn't an accident.
According to the
fire inspector,
Someone intentionally spliced
the victim's microphone
Into the station's
backup generator.
Moment she touched it
after the break, bam!
First thing we need to do
is find
Cheated on in chattanooga.
The caller who threatened to
murder her husband's mistress
on today's show?
Um...
First-time listener.
-Why her?
-You know that license plate
number she gave on the air?
The car's registered
to the victim.
Shocking.
Too soon?
Did sasha recognize
her own license plate number
when she heard it on the air?
Yeah, she was terrified.
She sent me downstairs
to grab security.
As the show's producer, you
screened the calls, decided
-Which made it on the air?
-That's right.
It's a local show,
but this caller,
cheated on in chattanooga,
Was she calling
from tennessee?
Well, our show is streamed
nationwide, but i could
tell from the caller id,
Cheated on in chattanooga's
calls all came from
a seattle area code.
So, she called
the show a lot?
Ten, twelve times
over the past few weeks.
She was high drama.
A woman on the verge.
-She gave great radio.
-We'll need those recordings.
Yeah.
Hey, kaley.
Can you get these officers the
past couple weeks of shows?
Now, this week's shows
might take a little longer
to get our hands on,
But, uh, you'll have plenty
to listen to in the meantime.
Unfortunately, we don't
archive by caller,
so if you want
The cheated segments,
somebody'll have
to go through, like,
-30 hours of audio files.
-I'll do it.
Who couldn't use
some straight talk?
That was, uh, definitely
sasha's forte.
She was fearless.
God, i can't believe
She's gone. We made so many
hours of radio together.
I'm sorry.
I think i need a minute.
Of course.
-Clive: I take it sasha
and jane were close?
-Oh, super close.
Like, since college.
Sasha was the psych major
with the big personality.
Jane was the rtf major
with the radio skills.
They had this whole liz lemon,
jenna maroney thing going on,
But in a "not funny" way.
You happen to know who sasha
was seeing romantically?
Specifically? No. I mean,
she talked about her sex life
on the air all the time,
But her lovers always got
code names. The all-nighter,
sir cries-a-lot.
So, there were
a lot of lovers?
From what she said, yeah.
I don't know any
names or anything,
But everybody around here
knew she had a thing for
men already in relationships.
Do you think one of her lovers
did this?
We'll look into
every possibility.
This way.
This is the line
to sasha's mic. It should
ground into this panel,
But the killer
ran it over there
into the backup generator.
Who has access to this room?
Five stations under
the panopticon umbrella, all
operate out of this building.
Plus, there's
the public tours that
tramp through here all day.
Last week, some clown wandered
into a kgov live broadcast.
Took half a dozen calls before
somebody figured out he wasn't
really a city comptroller.
So, basically, anyone
could've gotten in here?
Sasha: Yes,
manscaping is a thing.
You can't expect a girl to go
hacking through the brush
Like indiana jones looking
for the lost peruvian temple.
I want to make sure
you don't do anything
Rash.
-You need me?
-No.
It's just that
i had some business
down at the courthouse
And met your roommate
peyton.
-Bit of a spitfire, isn't she?
-Yeah.
-Is she seeing
anyone presently?
-Probably.
You're asking because
you might wanna ask her out?
(sighs) for a moment there,
i thought i might have
to draw you a diagram.
I'll check.
She's not generally lacking
for male companionship.
I think we had a moment.
Oh!
The early shift was displeased
that the supply closet
is now padlocked.
They'll get over it. This is
where we're curing zombie-ism.
I'm mid-experiment. Our guinea
rats are behind this door,
Rolling hard on utopium
and max rager.
Right now, they're
probably waving tiny
glow sticks in the air.
I think someone
needs an escort
to the chill-out room.
Liv!
Ravi: Their brains are
missing, every one of them.
"the lannisters
send their regards."
Ugh.
-Where is the fifth rat?
-Don't know.
But i can't stress enough
the importance of finding him.
(rat squeaks)
Holy crap, ravi!
He's white and murderous.
You did it.
You made a zombie rat.
(rat screeching)
Where are you going,
little buddy?
Uh, i believe he was
on his way to murder me
and eat my brains.
Why isn't he tearing into you?
Oh, it's a zombie thing.
You wouldn't understand.
Zombie brains are nasty.
You wouldn't want those.
No, you wouldn't.
Uh, that rat you're doting on
like a purse chihuahua
Could end civilization
as we know it.
(giggles)
Right. The human genome
is full of so-called
"junk dna," right?
Veritable sleeper cells
of evolution,
Waiting to be called to action
by a change in environment
or circumstance.
Enter, a chemical cocktail of
tainted utopium and max rager.
Cocktail wakes up
dormant genes,
Which then transforms
an ordinary human or rat
Into a zombie
at the cellular level.
So, you'll use antibodies from
zombie-rat to synthesize
a gene therapy-based cure.
That's the plan.
Do you think
this is how oppenheimer felt
staring down at the a-bomb?
Like a drama queen?
Or are you talking about his
need for self-aggrandizement?
-Aw.
-Oh, come on! Gentle ribbing.
Dr. Oppenheimer, you love me.
He loves me.
Cheated on in chattanooga's
phone was a burner,
totally untraceable.
New development.
Check this out.
Dear god,
how about a heads-up,
or an nsfw warning?
Is that a blow-up sex doll?
Ooh! I wanna see.
With sasha arconi's face
taped over the doll's.
There are a bunch of them.
Sasha was in a blood feud
with the host
Of a rival drive-time sports
talk show, the morning hurl.
The host, chuck burd,
asked all of his listeners,
"upchuckers" they're called,
To commit unspeakable acts
upon a sasha arconi blow-up
doll and post them online.
-Delightful.
-Sasha gave it
as good as she got.
She was promoting a roundtable
interview next week
With several of
chuck's past lovers.
It sounds like we should
have a chat with chuck.
Exactly my thought.
Clive: "great morning sex."
Isn't it enough for you ladies
that you're having it?
Why spoil it
by talking about it?
See, i find it fascinating
that we never talk
about your love life.
Really? 'cause i find it
non-negotiable.
-Boundaries, liv.
-"stressing of boundaries,"
One of several signs
of a classic distancer.
Pair that with "avoiding
discussion of deep feelings."
-I'm going in now.
-"pulling away when
things get real."
Look, it's nice you want
to get to know me.
-"sending mixed signals."
-what's gotten into you?
You listen to sasha's show
for one day and now
you think you're her?
(sighs)
something like that.
I'm not the "let's get real"
type, anyway.
Ask devore in vice.
She'd tell you.
"idealizing a past partner."
you are so textbook.
Seriously, you can
stop talking right now.
I know everything
there is to know about you.
Chuck on radio:
I'm not saying he should
have done what he did.
All i'm saying is,
any guy who's been married
for more than five minutes
Knows exactly how he felt!
Ladies, listen to this.
Your mouths were
not made for speaking.
Not for speak... Ooh!
Huh.
Upchuckers, show of hands,
who's screwed an albino chick?
Huh? Anyone?
Anyone?
I think what they lack
in pigment,
They make up for
in nasty.
Am i right? You know,
don't ya?
We got a chick
in studio, right now,
Begging for someone
to bang a little color
back into her cheeks.
Isn't that right, sweetheart?
What's that?
The feud with sasha
was all for show.
The more pms-y she acted,
the more fired up
my listeners got.
The broad was ratings gold.
So,
Your relationship
with your mom,
I'm going with complicated.
Extreme narcissism
with a tendency towards
sexual deviance.
(in high-pitched voice)
"mommy issues."
All i'm saying is,
the inexplicable crying when
you're cuffing the carrot,
-There's a reason for that.
-Mr. Burd.
This show sasha was
supposed to do about you,
A lot of men would feel
threatened by their ex-lovers
comparing notes on the radio.
Yeah, unless all of your notes
are just, muah!
(chuckles)
you know what i mean?
I was just worried
she wouldn't be able to
fit 'em all into the studio.
If i'm gonna puke in your
trash bin, do i need to go
through the basketball hoop?
What do i care if one of them
said something bad?
You and i both know how women
get when you kick 'em loose.
-You kicked a lot
of women loose?
-Not anymore.
I'm a happily married
man now.
(sniggers)
That's my girl.
-(dance music playing)
-(in russian accent) stay away
from my husband, whore!
(gasps)
Chuck: She's not the brightest
bulb in the chandelier, but
she is a former gymnast.
Power tumbler.
When your wife found out you
were sleeping with sasha, was
she mad enough to kill her?
(laughs nervously)
okay, sasha and i bumped
uglies a couple times,
But i'm not the first guy
to have a little hate bang
on the side.
No, but you're a guy with an
angry wife and a dead lover.
You think oksana is
this chattanooga chick?
She's a mail-order bride.
She speaks maybe
50 words of english.
The woman could barely order
a cup of coffee, let alone
fake a southern accent!
Where were you yesterday
between 9:30 and 9:45?
Talking about ambidextrous
hookers on the radio.
It's a public service piece
i like to do.
If you'll excuse me,
i've got 42 seconds to take
a leak before the news.
For what it's worth,
i don't think his wife
could've passed for
Cheated on in chattanooga.
Maybe "cheated on
in chechnya."
That doesn't mean
she didn't kill her.
I'll check her out.
(sighs)
Where's a vat of bleach
when you need one?
Corinne: Hello?
So you missed our lunch date.
Things have been
kind of crazy,
But i'll make it up to you,
okay?
Oh, my god. Major, what
happened to your face?
It's a long story.
I... I broke into a guy's car.
Then the cops put me in a cell
with these bikers and...
-Whatever, you know,
it, it doesn't matter.
-It does matter!
Why are you looking
at pictures of brains?
You know what?
Don't even answer that.
This is so not
what i signed up for.
-Look, i, i know i've been...
-You keep getting into fights.
You just got arrested. You
are in a running battle with
someone known as the candyman?
What the hell?
You were the dream combination
of superhot but funny
And now you're like some
whackjob who doesn't
shower enough.
-If you give me
a second to explain...
-You should get some help.
I take it game night's off?
(door slams)
Enter the hero.
-Why so glum, chum?
-I can't do this anymore.
Moving those kids' bodies,
it was too much.
Emotionally, or...
Because physically,
it shouldn't've been that bad.
-How heavy are bones?
-Damn it, you listen to me!
You're not even trying
to be careful anymore.
The bodies are piling up,
and you just expect me
to make them disappear.
What part of "me having you
by the short and curlies"
don't you understand?
I'm literally
your meal ticket.
Oh, i understand that, but...
What're you gonna do?
Hmm?
Are you gonna mosey down to
the holding cell and pop open
A couple of craniums a week
and hope nobody gets wise?
Stop acting like you
have options and just do
what i tell you to do.
There's a girl
in the m.E.'s office.
Pale.
Looks like she plays
for team z.
Yeah, i know all about her.
She has her own special role
in all this.
It would've been nice
to get a heads-up.
I'm sorry, dear. You know
how i struggle with my
communication skills.
Now, run off and do your job.
Protect and serve...
Me.
Sasha: The guy's a bully,
and you're just laying back
and taking it.
Act like his bitch,
don't expect to be treated
like his girlfriend.
Liv: Before this brain, my
advice-giving m.O. Was gentle.
Sympathetic.
Now i feel compelled
to fix people,
To take them apart,
whether they want it or not.
Sasha: Don't make me play it.
Caller: But he meditates now.
He's becoming a vegetarian.
Sasha: You asked for it.
Tell her, miss lynch.
Jane lynch: Bitch, get a clue!
Bitch, get a clue!
Sasha, i'm sorry! I was
gonna tell you, i swear!
-Ahhh! Sasha!
-I don't want apologies!
I want loyalty!
(gasps)
Well, any time you mix
friendship and work,
Things can get complicated,
but sasha and i were fine.
Clive: So, you didn't mind
when she yelled at you
and threw things?
-That was cool with you?
-You heard about the cupcakes.
(gasps) yeah, sasha
could go a little psycho,
-But that time
i had it coming.
-Why is that?
She found out i was sending
tapes to other stations.
I should've told her, but...
I don't know, i...
We started as co-hosts,
and then sasha became
this big star
And i became just
her producer which was
fine for a while, but...
But you would've rather
been behind the mic.
Anybody in radio says
differently, they're lying.
-Did you get any offers?
-No. Mmm-mmm.
It takes a special kind of
charisma to get people to tune
in and listen. Sasha had it.
Judging by
my lack of offers...
Well, i guess
we'll never know.
Sasha was pretty angry
when she found out
you wanted to leave.
Well, at first, and then
she got over it and started
fighting for a raise for me.
To entice me to stay.
Oh, we got those last cheated
audio files from archives
if you still want them.
Please.
Oyster shucking gloves.
Observe.
-Ahhh!
-Ravi!
-Voila. Chain mail
for the hand.
-Enjoy hell.
Have you seen major today?
I missed a call from him
yesterday and i haven't
heard back.
Oh, you... He's fine.
Well, he's got some stuff
going on, romantically.
There was a break-up.
In that, corinne dumped him.
Major doesn't get dumped.
There are literally
Two reasons to end
a relationship with major,
zombie-ism and full-on death.
-Wait, you don't
think corinne...
-Is now a zombie?
Seems unlikely.
Speaking of roommates, have
you spoken with peyton yet?
Wow. All roads lead to rome
with you lately, huh?
I think you need
to ask yourself why
you're so interested in her.
I don't know. Just saw
her in action briefly.
She was quite fiery.
And you like them fiery.
Someone kind of hard to get,
Maybe a little complicated.
You want to have
to put in some work.
-I don't shy away
from a challenge.
-Of course you don't.
Because then there's
the potential to win.
To rewrite history,
be the conqueror.
Wait, no, uh...
What history am i rewriting?
I don't know which parent
was distant and made you
work for affection.
Are you shrinking me?
I'm just pointing out
obvious behavior
That could potentially
lead to you being hurt.
Okay, i guess
i'm shrinking you,
But you really do need
to learn from the past
and not try to relive it.
I can't help it. I'm filled
to the brim with insight.
Oh, that's what
you're full of?
Just find out if she's
dating anyone, okay?
I live to enable.
Liv: Fun fact of zombie-ism:
Knowing you're being affected
by the brain you just ate
Doesn't always stop you
from acting on its impulses.
Major?
I can see your mopey shadow.
Let me in.
Someone needs to tell you
that self-sabotaging
is not the answer.
You're allowed to be happy.
Oh, major.
Who did this to you?
I can't talk about fight club.
-Crap.
-I want to know what happened!
Would you believe
shark attack?
Did you go to
the skate park again?
Rough night in jail.
Turns out the police take
umbrage when you accuse
them of negligence.
You were in jail?
Why didn't you...
You did call me. You called me
from jail and i didn't answer.
It's fine, really.
I'm glad you're here now.
(sighs)
You made it on
the police blotter?
One of the kids at helton
shelter brought that into
a group session this morning.
Unfortunately, my bosses
weren't nearly as impressed
With my "street cred"
as this kid was,
So if you hear of anyone
looking for a youth counselor
-With a rap sheet...
-They fired you.
-Major, i'm so sorry.
-Look at me.
(scoffs) i didn't
give them much choice.
I need to talk to you
about something.
I think you're the only one
who might listen to me.
Of course.
Those people in the woods
didn't kill jerome and eddie.
All right?
It was a drug dealer
named julien dupont.
The guy the kids call
"the candyman."
They found their remains
at the house.
Look, i'm telling you it
wasn't them, all right?
This dupont guy was
wearing jerome's shoes.
He, he practically admitted
to killing him.
The police, they're covering
this up. Now,
don't ask me why.
-The dna was verified.
-Just listen, please.
All right? I saw something
in the candyman's car
And it's gonna sound crazy,
all right?
-But i know what i saw.
-Okay.
There was an ice chest
in the passenger seat.
It had a brain inside.
A human brain.
I'm sure of it.
-You think i'm crazy.
-No!
It's just that
If the man worked
for a butcher shop
like he told the police,
Then it seems logical
the brains came
from an animal.
No, no, no. I've been
looking at pictures of human
and cow brains for hours,
And yes, i know how crazy
that sounds, but, liv,
A cow's brain
is baseball-sized.
That's not what this was!
I need someone to believe me.
I'd feel so much better
if that someone was you.
I know how close you
and jerome were,
How responsible
you felt for him.
I think you holding on
to this case is a way
of you holding on to him.
You're right.
I don't want you to be,
but you are.
I know it's not
easy to let go.
I've... I've got to get
my act together
'cause this...
This isn't who i am.
You know, if i'm gonna get
into a fight with
a biker gang,
It should be because
i accidentally knocked over
A row of their hogs
outside a dive bar.
(clicks tongue)
Just promise me that you'll
back off from this julien guy.
I promise.
You're a good friend, liv.
Liv: Every time major
calls me his friend, i ache.
I miss the "girl" modifier,
but the truth is,
We were practically besties
from the moment we met.
That's why we were
so great together.
Underneath all the love
and the desire to tear
each other's clothes off,
Was the person
i wanted to share
every detail of my life with.
Without that, it's not really
even a relationship, is it?
Is this just sex?
Is that who you are?
A zombie booty call?
Sorry. I instinctively
take off my shirt every time
someone knocks at the door.
What are we doing?
I just finished
dyeing my roots.
We can't all pull off
the ethereal tinker bell look.
I'm not sure what you're
up to, but it seems
to involve spiraling.
We're not friends. Shouldn't
friendship be the foundation
of a relationship?
It should be the foundation
of year two of a relationship
and beyond, but right now,
What i really wanna do is
spend epic amounts of time
Naked with you,
and the friendship will come.
Would we even be together
if we weren't both zombies?
Probably not.
My world was the music scene,
you were an er doctor.
I suppose i could've od'd,
would have been
a hell of a meet-cute,
But what does it matter?
Because
Here we are.
Zombies together.
It matters.
It doesn't.
We have nothing in common
other than being half-dead.
-That's not the basis
of a healthy relationship.
-I have a feeling
That the woman whose
brain you ate
Never had a healthy
relationship in her life.
How do you know
it was a woman?
She's exhausting.
I thought that being
a relationship and sex expert
might be a little fun, but...
Sorry, excuse me.
A what expert?
(liv chuckles)
-Ohhh!
-(kissing)
(breathing heavily)
-(chuckles)
-(breathing heavily)
-(panting)
-sasha: Play it again, sam.
(gasps)
Sam?
Guy you're secretly
pretending i am, or a vision?
A vision. A clue.
Then where were we?
So, who's the guy?
-Hmm?
-Lowell tracey.
Oh? Broody musician.
Not your usual type.
But, you know, you're not
the usual liv, are you?
You're looking at
the new normal, sister.
Well, if you're happy,
i'm happy for you.
-Even though i still think you
belong with someone else.
-Enough about me.
Who have you been
sailing with lately and
how big is his boat?
(chuckles) wow.
A size joke, really?
Oh, gosh,
you've changed. Um...
Actually,
the harbor is empty.
I mean, there's this startup
guy alex who keeps calling,
And i'm supposed to meet up
with paolo when the sounders
get back from germany.
Shannon hargens still asks me
out every time i kick his ass
in court. (chuckles)
Honestly though, i would
rather kick ass in court
than see any of them.
Sasha: Give a guy
some direction.
If you're too shy to tell him
where he can and can't put it,
You can't complain if it goes
where you don't want it to go.
What's up?
We've been in here for
an hour and 41 minutes.
Do i really have to ask again?
Is she or is she not
dating someone?
A tech wunderkind,
a professional soccer player,
And a future
supreme court justice.
So she's still looking.
Straight talk?
I don't think
you and peyton work.
True, you like a challenge
and peyton is certainly that,
But she dates guys you'd find
in a "most eligible bachelors
on the planet" catalog,
If such a thing existed.
And you don't think i'd be
featured in the pages
of hunks quarterly?
Ravi, she's a lawyer who looks
like victoria's secret model.
Liv, i'm a tall doctor
with fantastic hair
and a british accent.
But to hear you tell it,
she's out of my league.
I mean, i don't even
need to be this attractive.
It's just icing.
Besides, peyton and i,
We had a moment.
I'm sure that's how it seemed,
but i've known peyton
since college,
And literally, every man
who's ever met her thought
that they had a moment.
I've been a witness to all
those poor guys who
liked a challenge.
I've watched them approach
her table, full of hope. I've
seen her turn them into dust.
She's been asked out
so much, she doesn't
bother with niceties.
-Just trying to help.
-Thank you.
You know, i, uh...
I rescind all inquiries
into the subject.
You know, i'm a grown man
who knows a moment
when he experiences one.
Oh, and my "distant parents"?
They're fairly certain
i put the moon in the sky.
This brain you're on?
She's a bit of an ass.
Thanks for the straight talk.
Liv: The good thing about
being forced to listen to
hours of a relationship show?
It cuts down on the awkward
silence after you've just done
Possible irreparable damage
to a relationship of your own.
Man: The blues?
Y'all come on down
to s'il vous plait beignet...
Woman: (in southern accent)
it's high time you experience
The warmth of our
southern hospitality.
Man: Piping hot coffee...
Chuck's mail-order gymnast
has an alibi.
A dozen witnesses who saw her
at a "booty boot camp."
-You look like you've
got something.
-Listen to this.
It's a commercial
that ran last week
During great morning sex.
I've got it cued up.
Man: Got those
rainy day blues?
Y'all come on down to
s'il vous plait, beignet...
Woman: It's high time you
experience the warmth
of our southern hospitality.
Man: Piping hot coffee...
-That woman's voice...
-It's cheated on
in chattanooga!
They should be able to
tell us at the radio station
who recorded it.
Sorry. Radio. Where even
a memorial broadcast
Comes with a deadline
and six commercial breaks.
-Did those last
audio files help?
-Listen for yourself.
Oh, my god. That's
cheated on in chattanooga.
I should have
recognized the voice.
So who recorded it?
An ad agency?
Usually, but this time
it was kaley.
-The assistant?
-She did the temp track.
We mock ads up
to pitch new customers,
but kaley's southern accent
Was so good,
the beignet people just kept
her in the finished product.
-You don't think kaley...
-Do you know where
kaley is now?
Uh, home, i guess.
It's her day off.
(knocking at door)
Detectives?
What do you want?
I don't know about him,
but i'd like to experience
"the warmth of some
southern hospitality."
Ms. Taylor, where were you at
the time of sasha's murder?
I was on a coffee run
getting sasha's emergency
soy vanilla latte.
You have a receipt? Can anyone
place you there? A barista?
I was in the car,
on my way there,
listening to the show.
When i heard the commotion,
i turned around
and i drove back.
So at the time of the murder,
you say you were driving
around on an errand
That you didn't complete,
during which no one saw you?
That also gave you
plenty of time to call in as
cheated on in chattanooga.
What? What...
-What makes you think i...
-Man: Hey, babe.
Everything okay?
"play it again, sam."
What makes us think you're
cheated on in chattanooga?
We have a recording of you
doing a southern accent
in a commercial.
The boys at the police lab
matched your voice
to the cheated calls.
We also have an eyewitness
to the affair between
sasha and this man.
You were discreet, huh?
You had motive
and opportunity.
You told the whole world
you were gonna murder sasha.
I knew you were
never gonna let it go.
Kaley taylor,
you're under arrest for
the murder of sasha arconi.
Sam and i were going through
a rough time last year.
He got drunk at a work party
and sasha seduced him.
Cheated on in chattanooga
just seemed like a good way
to mess with her head,
Get even, without
ruining my career.
That's all it was.
You didn't think anybody would
recognize the same fake accent
you used in the beignet ads?
I'm from south carolina,
that "fake accent,"
(in southern accent)
that's my real voice, y'all.
And no, i didn't think anyone
was gonna remember an ad that
Aired exactly once before
the bakery folded a year ago.
The ad aired last week.
We've got it on tape.
For a business that
doesn't exist?
I highly doubt it.
So when you found out
your husband and your boss
were having these trysts,
You said nothing to her?
You just hatched
this elaborate plan?
If i had confronted
sasha directly,
She would have blackballed
me in the industry,
like she did to jane.
Sasha blackballed jane?
When she found out
jane was sending out tapes,
Sasha ran her down to
the station managers in every
top 100 market in the country.
Liv, she's right about
s'il vous plait, beignet.
According to yelp, they
shut their doors last year.
The only way that ad
gets on the recording
is if jane plants it there.
She wanted us
to put it together.
Sasha destroyed jane's career.
Jane wanted to kill her.
Kaley's on-air death threat
gave her the perfect
opportunity.
-Where's jane now?
-At the station,
Hosting sasha's
memorial broadcast.
She's finally getting
her big break.
Good evening and welcome.
I'm jane bowman.
Tonight we'll be celebrating
the life and work
Of sasha arconi,
who is gone too soon.
Sasha made us a community.
A mutual support system.
A sisterhood, linked
by one voice.
I hope you'll stick
with me as i do
My best to take the show
into its second decade.
Give us a call here.
Let's get it all out there.
Line one, you're on the air.
What are you going to
miss most about sasha?
Caller 1: Everything,
'cause you suck.
I know emotions are
running high, but let's try
to keep things positive.
-Line two.
-(snoring loudly)
(hangs up)
Jane: So, this must be how
substitute teachers feel.
Looks like my tenure here
won't be quite as long
as i'd hoped,
I'll leave you, her
adoring public, with this.
Sasha didn't care
about our problems.
Sasha cared about sasha.
During commercials,
She'd laugh at the crazies
who called in.
She slept with our boyfriends
and our husbands.
And when i decided
i wanted to live my dream
Of being in front of the mic
instead of behind it,
She destroyed my chances
with every station manager
on the west coast.
I was her biggest fan,
and she killed my dreams.
Well, i hope there's
radio in hell and i hope
you're listening, sasha.
-Because you can go...
-Jane bowman.
You're under arrest for
the murder of sasha arconi.
Any last words
for sasha's fans?
Jane lynch:
Bitch, get a clue!
-(shower running)
-i'm heading over
to lowell's place.
-Peyton: Yeah, won't wait up.
-(shower stops)
(cell phone ringing
and vibrating)
Oh, ravi.
Peyton: Hey, can you get that
for me? I'll be out in a sec.
-Peyton's phone.
-Liv?
Is, uh... (clears throat)
i'd like to speak to peyton.
Hi, ravi. Yeah, i'll,
um, get her.
-It's ravi.
-Who?
(whispering) my boss,
from the morgue.
(whispering)
oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
British guy.
Hi.
Liv: It's bad enough that i've
spent the past few days
Dispensing the advice
of a hypocrite.
If i don't get out of here
in the next three seconds,
I'm gonna witness
a train wreck.
Let this be a lesson.
Stay out of people's business.
-Keep your advice to yourself.
-Hey, liv.
Um, your boss just, uh...
You should say yes.
Is that weird for you?
Do it.
Um, yes. That...
That sounds great.
Liv: Okay. So the pledge
to keep my advice
to myself didn't last long.
Maybe i'm too reticent
on the advice front.
What would i say?
Ravi, never
listen to me again.
You are too selfless,
too wrapped up in saving me.
Chill out. Slow and steady
wins the race.
I can't have you
burning out.
Argh! Argh!
Liv: Because without you,
I'm nothing.
And, major,
Don't lose sight
of who you are.
You are sweetness
and light.
That's who i fell
in love with,
The next girl will
fall in love with.
Don't pile tragedy
on tragedy.
And what advice would you
give yourself, liv?
-Would you even take it?
-(alarm beeping)
How about trying to live
in the moment for once?
Being grateful for
the simple pleasures.
You don't need to know
why you feel good.
Just enjoy the ride.
Jerome!
Settle down, jerome.
It's not a long ride.
(gasps)
(breathing heavily)
(elevator door opens)
You think you can cure this?
You were expecting
to stay like this forever?
So you're using the rats
in search for a cure?
Have you guys seen my friend?
Brother, i just saw him.
We'll have you
to him in no time.
Major found the candyman
and someone else.
He thinks they're responsible
for the missing kids.
Liv: Major is not gonna let
this go. He'll go after them.
-(police sirens wailing)
-whoa!
Look, that's him,
the candyman.
He's got a human brain
in that ice chest right there!
Guard: A little thank you for
the seattle observer article.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Oh! No.
No.
No! Aieee!
Ow! I forgot the safe word.
What's the safe word?
Kelly clarkson! Ping pong!
(gasps)
Ah! Ah, yes.
That's better.
That's the ticket.
That's a good boy.
-Your reward in the kingdom
of heaven will be great.
-Enough.
Just relax.
Breathe into it.
Liv: I'd forgotten what
it was like to be touched.
This foot-rub dessert
is tasty.
-(cell phone vibrating)
-the main course was...
(cell phone vibrating)
Do you need to grab
that very early phone call?
(sighs)
Woman on radio: A juicy,
mouth-watering
thick slab of beef.
Liv: "life" or whatever
we zombies agree to call
the daily grind,
Means being bombarded
with almost constant reminders
Of the things we can
no longer enjoy.
Woman on radio: ...Dripping
with aged cheddar cheese.
Liv: Cheeseburgers.
Man on radio: Give
the gift of life. Give blood.
Liv: A rosy complexion.
Woman on radio: Estate
planning, the peace of mind
that lasts for generations.
Liv: Progeny.
Woman on radio:
Have your assets
preserved for your heirs.
Call your friends at...
Liv: Sex, on the other hand...
Ahhh!
That's back on the menu
for this zombie.
Sasha on radio:
...Frequent caller
cheated on in chattanooga,
Who thinks her husband
might be getting his kicks
at another woman's shoe store.
Cheated, what's the 411?
Cheated (in southern accent):
I finally caught the two of
'em, followed 'em to a hotel.
They were basically
dry humping in the lobby.
Sasha: Cheated,
you know i always
give it to you straight.
It's time to cut
that man loose.
Cheated: I'm keepin' my man,
dr. Sasha.
It's the slut
he's hooking up with
that i'm gonna murder.
(car honks)
Sasha: I know i talk a lot
about self-empowerment, but
that doesn't include murder.
Cheated: Maybe
i could get some help
from my fellow listeners!
Call in if you see
a powder-blue convertible
with these plates,
-I wrote 'em down, 8-2-3...
-Sasha: No, no, no, no.
Cheated: ...G-a...
Sasha: No, stop!
-(dial tone)
-sasha: Hello?
Cheated, we need to talk about
this. Please call back in.
What about that place
down on ...
I don't know,
what you're thinking,
some takeout?
I could go for thai.
Yeah. Spring rolls?
Excuse me.
I was wondering
if you've received
Any further news about when
my friend might be released.
Yeah, but i'm
keeping it to myself
Because i enjoy these chats we
have every 15 minutes or so.
-Maybe don't be friends
with criminals.
-(snickers)
(exhales)
(footsteps approaching)
Clerk: Could go for some
butter chicken right now,
that's for sure.
Or french.
What about french?
Peyton charles,
assistant district attorney.
Gotta go.
Do you notice anything missing
with this paperwork?
Save your eyes.
It's missing a time stamp,
which means
The prisoner is being
held in violation of
habeas corpus statutes.
-I could put the stamp on now.
-Are you offering
to commit forgery?
-No.
-Get him out. Now.
And hope to hell
he doesn't go to
the press or sue,
Cause it'll be
both our asses.
I read it for the articles.
(snickers)
The prisoner's being released.
Fifteen minutes, tops.
Make it five.
Oh, my god.
(theme song playing)
What did they do to you
in there?
There seemed to be some lesson
i was meant to learn.
You may need to put me
on retainer, young man.
I'm... I'm sorry. And you are?
This is my roommate ravi,
liv's boss.
Ravi, this is peyton,
liv's roommate.
I did try to call liv.
-You did what?
-Horrible idea.
We'd have
two messes to clean up.
Have you looked in a mirror?
I have a feeling
people who are friends
with social workers
Don't ask this question a lot,
but who were you fighting with
this week?
Sons of anarchy, i think.
Guards commuted their
sentences to 20 minutes
of beating the hell out of me.
Hey, word of advice.
Try not getting arrested
the day after you're quoted
On the front page of the paper
saying that local police
are indifferent
To the disappearance
of the underclass.
If you want to sue the city,
i can put you in touch
with someone.
No, the only witnesses
were the guards and
the guys whipping my ass.
It's a waste of my time.
I just wanna find out what
happened to jerome and eddie.
What?
All right, look... Um...
(clears throat)
You know the, uh,
emily sparrow disappearance?
She was kidnapped by, uh,
space-alien worshipping,
Sister-wife collecting
cultists. A married couple.
The, uh...
The police found the remains
of a number of the skate park
kids at their compound.
Jerome and eddie?
You...
You did everything you could.
I mean, they couldn't have had
anyone more in their corner.
It's over now.
I've known in my gut
that they were gone,
But i've seen things.
If i told you,
you wouldn't believe me.
I know who killed
jerome and eddie,
And it wasn't these two.
Everything the police tell you
in this town is a lie.
This is a long way from over.
Sasha:
Cheated on in chattanooga,
we're all concerned about you.
-Please call back.
-Sorry i'm late.
I had to help a friend
with a legal matter.
Shh!
Cheated on in chattanooga
threatened to kill her
husband's mistress on air.
Sasha, the host, is
trying to talk her out of it,
but she won't call back in.
Really, liv?
-I'm surprised you find this
trashy, lowest-common...
-Zip it!
Sasha: Come on, ladies.
The world is full
of eligible men,
-And not one of them is...
-(electronic zapping sound)
-What just happened?
-No idea.
-(electronic disturbance)
-woman: Sasha!
Man 1: Oh, my god,
what's happening?
Woman: Sasha! Sasha!
Man 1: Shut it off!
Shut it off!
Shut it off!
Man 2: Somebody
call an ambulance!
Man 1: Sasha!
I stand corrected.
This is compelling radio.
Ravi: The electricity entered
the body through her hands.
The current then passed
through her chest cavity.
Causing instant
cardiac arrest.
Electrocution is
an extremely rare cause
of accidental death.
Well, wasn't an accident.
According to the
fire inspector,
Someone intentionally spliced
the victim's microphone
Into the station's
backup generator.
Moment she touched it
after the break, bam!
First thing we need to do
is find
Cheated on in chattanooga.
The caller who threatened to
murder her husband's mistress
on today's show?
Um...
First-time listener.
-Why her?
-You know that license plate
number she gave on the air?
The car's registered
to the victim.
Shocking.
Too soon?
Did sasha recognize
her own license plate number
when she heard it on the air?
Yeah, she was terrified.
She sent me downstairs
to grab security.
As the show's producer, you
screened the calls, decided
-Which made it on the air?
-That's right.
It's a local show,
but this caller,
cheated on in chattanooga,
Was she calling
from tennessee?
Well, our show is streamed
nationwide, but i could
tell from the caller id,
Cheated on in chattanooga's
calls all came from
a seattle area code.
So, she called
the show a lot?
Ten, twelve times
over the past few weeks.
She was high drama.
A woman on the verge.
-She gave great radio.
-We'll need those recordings.
Yeah.
Hey, kaley.
Can you get these officers the
past couple weeks of shows?
Now, this week's shows
might take a little longer
to get our hands on,
But, uh, you'll have plenty
to listen to in the meantime.
Unfortunately, we don't
archive by caller,
so if you want
The cheated segments,
somebody'll have
to go through, like,
-30 hours of audio files.
-I'll do it.
Who couldn't use
some straight talk?
That was, uh, definitely
sasha's forte.
She was fearless.
God, i can't believe
She's gone. We made so many
hours of radio together.
I'm sorry.
I think i need a minute.
Of course.
-Clive: I take it sasha
and jane were close?
-Oh, super close.
Like, since college.
Sasha was the psych major
with the big personality.
Jane was the rtf major
with the radio skills.
They had this whole liz lemon,
jenna maroney thing going on,
But in a "not funny" way.
You happen to know who sasha
was seeing romantically?
Specifically? No. I mean,
she talked about her sex life
on the air all the time,
But her lovers always got
code names. The all-nighter,
sir cries-a-lot.
So, there were
a lot of lovers?
From what she said, yeah.
I don't know any
names or anything,
But everybody around here
knew she had a thing for
men already in relationships.
Do you think one of her lovers
did this?
We'll look into
every possibility.
This way.
This is the line
to sasha's mic. It should
ground into this panel,
But the killer
ran it over there
into the backup generator.
Who has access to this room?
Five stations under
the panopticon umbrella, all
operate out of this building.
Plus, there's
the public tours that
tramp through here all day.
Last week, some clown wandered
into a kgov live broadcast.
Took half a dozen calls before
somebody figured out he wasn't
really a city comptroller.
So, basically, anyone
could've gotten in here?
Sasha: Yes,
manscaping is a thing.
You can't expect a girl to go
hacking through the brush
Like indiana jones looking
for the lost peruvian temple.
I want to make sure
you don't do anything
Rash.
-You need me?
-No.
It's just that
i had some business
down at the courthouse
And met your roommate
peyton.
-Bit of a spitfire, isn't she?
-Yeah.
-Is she seeing
anyone presently?
-Probably.
You're asking because
you might wanna ask her out?
(sighs) for a moment there,
i thought i might have
to draw you a diagram.
I'll check.
She's not generally lacking
for male companionship.
I think we had a moment.
Oh!
The early shift was displeased
that the supply closet
is now padlocked.
They'll get over it. This is
where we're curing zombie-ism.
I'm mid-experiment. Our guinea
rats are behind this door,
Rolling hard on utopium
and max rager.
Right now, they're
probably waving tiny
glow sticks in the air.
I think someone
needs an escort
to the chill-out room.
Liv!
Ravi: Their brains are
missing, every one of them.
"the lannisters
send their regards."
Ugh.
-Where is the fifth rat?
-Don't know.
But i can't stress enough
the importance of finding him.
(rat squeaks)
Holy crap, ravi!
He's white and murderous.
You did it.
You made a zombie rat.
(rat screeching)
Where are you going,
little buddy?
Uh, i believe he was
on his way to murder me
and eat my brains.
Why isn't he tearing into you?
Oh, it's a zombie thing.
You wouldn't understand.
Zombie brains are nasty.
You wouldn't want those.
No, you wouldn't.
Uh, that rat you're doting on
like a purse chihuahua
Could end civilization
as we know it.
(giggles)
Right. The human genome
is full of so-called
"junk dna," right?
Veritable sleeper cells
of evolution,
Waiting to be called to action
by a change in environment
or circumstance.
Enter, a chemical cocktail of
tainted utopium and max rager.
Cocktail wakes up
dormant genes,
Which then transforms
an ordinary human or rat
Into a zombie
at the cellular level.
So, you'll use antibodies from
zombie-rat to synthesize
a gene therapy-based cure.
That's the plan.
Do you think
this is how oppenheimer felt
staring down at the a-bomb?
Like a drama queen?
Or are you talking about his
need for self-aggrandizement?
-Aw.
-Oh, come on! Gentle ribbing.
Dr. Oppenheimer, you love me.
He loves me.
Cheated on in chattanooga's
phone was a burner,
totally untraceable.
New development.
Check this out.
Dear god,
how about a heads-up,
or an nsfw warning?
Is that a blow-up sex doll?
Ooh! I wanna see.
With sasha arconi's face
taped over the doll's.
There are a bunch of them.
Sasha was in a blood feud
with the host
Of a rival drive-time sports
talk show, the morning hurl.
The host, chuck burd,
asked all of his listeners,
"upchuckers" they're called,
To commit unspeakable acts
upon a sasha arconi blow-up
doll and post them online.
-Delightful.
-Sasha gave it
as good as she got.
She was promoting a roundtable
interview next week
With several of
chuck's past lovers.
It sounds like we should
have a chat with chuck.
Exactly my thought.
Clive: "great morning sex."
Isn't it enough for you ladies
that you're having it?
Why spoil it
by talking about it?
See, i find it fascinating
that we never talk
about your love life.
Really? 'cause i find it
non-negotiable.
-Boundaries, liv.
-"stressing of boundaries,"
One of several signs
of a classic distancer.
Pair that with "avoiding
discussion of deep feelings."
-I'm going in now.
-"pulling away when
things get real."
Look, it's nice you want
to get to know me.
-"sending mixed signals."
-what's gotten into you?
You listen to sasha's show
for one day and now
you think you're her?
(sighs)
something like that.
I'm not the "let's get real"
type, anyway.
Ask devore in vice.
She'd tell you.
"idealizing a past partner."
you are so textbook.
Seriously, you can
stop talking right now.
I know everything
there is to know about you.
Chuck on radio:
I'm not saying he should
have done what he did.
All i'm saying is,
any guy who's been married
for more than five minutes
Knows exactly how he felt!
Ladies, listen to this.
Your mouths were
not made for speaking.
Not for speak... Ooh!
Huh.
Upchuckers, show of hands,
who's screwed an albino chick?
Huh? Anyone?
Anyone?
I think what they lack
in pigment,
They make up for
in nasty.
Am i right? You know,
don't ya?
We got a chick
in studio, right now,
Begging for someone
to bang a little color
back into her cheeks.
Isn't that right, sweetheart?
What's that?
The feud with sasha
was all for show.
The more pms-y she acted,
the more fired up
my listeners got.
The broad was ratings gold.
So,
Your relationship
with your mom,
I'm going with complicated.
Extreme narcissism
with a tendency towards
sexual deviance.
(in high-pitched voice)
"mommy issues."
All i'm saying is,
the inexplicable crying when
you're cuffing the carrot,
-There's a reason for that.
-Mr. Burd.
This show sasha was
supposed to do about you,
A lot of men would feel
threatened by their ex-lovers
comparing notes on the radio.
Yeah, unless all of your notes
are just, muah!
(chuckles)
you know what i mean?
I was just worried
she wouldn't be able to
fit 'em all into the studio.
If i'm gonna puke in your
trash bin, do i need to go
through the basketball hoop?
What do i care if one of them
said something bad?
You and i both know how women
get when you kick 'em loose.
-You kicked a lot
of women loose?
-Not anymore.
I'm a happily married
man now.
(sniggers)
That's my girl.
-(dance music playing)
-(in russian accent) stay away
from my husband, whore!
(gasps)
Chuck: She's not the brightest
bulb in the chandelier, but
she is a former gymnast.
Power tumbler.
When your wife found out you
were sleeping with sasha, was
she mad enough to kill her?
(laughs nervously)
okay, sasha and i bumped
uglies a couple times,
But i'm not the first guy
to have a little hate bang
on the side.
No, but you're a guy with an
angry wife and a dead lover.
You think oksana is
this chattanooga chick?
She's a mail-order bride.
She speaks maybe
50 words of english.
The woman could barely order
a cup of coffee, let alone
fake a southern accent!
Where were you yesterday
between 9:30 and 9:45?
Talking about ambidextrous
hookers on the radio.
It's a public service piece
i like to do.
If you'll excuse me,
i've got 42 seconds to take
a leak before the news.
For what it's worth,
i don't think his wife
could've passed for
Cheated on in chattanooga.
Maybe "cheated on
in chechnya."
That doesn't mean
she didn't kill her.
I'll check her out.
(sighs)
Where's a vat of bleach
when you need one?
Corinne: Hello?
So you missed our lunch date.
Things have been
kind of crazy,
But i'll make it up to you,
okay?
Oh, my god. Major, what
happened to your face?
It's a long story.
I... I broke into a guy's car.
Then the cops put me in a cell
with these bikers and...
-Whatever, you know,
it, it doesn't matter.
-It does matter!
Why are you looking
at pictures of brains?
You know what?
Don't even answer that.
This is so not
what i signed up for.
-Look, i, i know i've been...
-You keep getting into fights.
You just got arrested. You
are in a running battle with
someone known as the candyman?
What the hell?
You were the dream combination
of superhot but funny
And now you're like some
whackjob who doesn't
shower enough.
-If you give me
a second to explain...
-You should get some help.
I take it game night's off?
(door slams)
Enter the hero.
-Why so glum, chum?
-I can't do this anymore.
Moving those kids' bodies,
it was too much.
Emotionally, or...
Because physically,
it shouldn't've been that bad.
-How heavy are bones?
-Damn it, you listen to me!
You're not even trying
to be careful anymore.
The bodies are piling up,
and you just expect me
to make them disappear.
What part of "me having you
by the short and curlies"
don't you understand?
I'm literally
your meal ticket.
Oh, i understand that, but...
What're you gonna do?
Hmm?
Are you gonna mosey down to
the holding cell and pop open
A couple of craniums a week
and hope nobody gets wise?
Stop acting like you
have options and just do
what i tell you to do.
There's a girl
in the m.E.'s office.
Pale.
Looks like she plays
for team z.
Yeah, i know all about her.
She has her own special role
in all this.
It would've been nice
to get a heads-up.
I'm sorry, dear. You know
how i struggle with my
communication skills.
Now, run off and do your job.
Protect and serve...
Me.
Sasha: The guy's a bully,
and you're just laying back
and taking it.
Act like his bitch,
don't expect to be treated
like his girlfriend.
Liv: Before this brain, my
advice-giving m.O. Was gentle.
Sympathetic.
Now i feel compelled
to fix people,
To take them apart,
whether they want it or not.
Sasha: Don't make me play it.
Caller: But he meditates now.
He's becoming a vegetarian.
Sasha: You asked for it.
Tell her, miss lynch.
Jane lynch: Bitch, get a clue!
Bitch, get a clue!
Sasha, i'm sorry! I was
gonna tell you, i swear!
-Ahhh! Sasha!
-I don't want apologies!
I want loyalty!
(gasps)
Well, any time you mix
friendship and work,
Things can get complicated,
but sasha and i were fine.
Clive: So, you didn't mind
when she yelled at you
and threw things?
-That was cool with you?
-You heard about the cupcakes.
(gasps) yeah, sasha
could go a little psycho,
-But that time
i had it coming.
-Why is that?
She found out i was sending
tapes to other stations.
I should've told her, but...
I don't know, i...
We started as co-hosts,
and then sasha became
this big star
And i became just
her producer which was
fine for a while, but...
But you would've rather
been behind the mic.
Anybody in radio says
differently, they're lying.
-Did you get any offers?
-No. Mmm-mmm.
It takes a special kind of
charisma to get people to tune
in and listen. Sasha had it.
Judging by
my lack of offers...
Well, i guess
we'll never know.
Sasha was pretty angry
when she found out
you wanted to leave.
Well, at first, and then
she got over it and started
fighting for a raise for me.
To entice me to stay.
Oh, we got those last cheated
audio files from archives
if you still want them.
Please.
Oyster shucking gloves.
Observe.
-Ahhh!
-Ravi!
-Voila. Chain mail
for the hand.
-Enjoy hell.
Have you seen major today?
I missed a call from him
yesterday and i haven't
heard back.
Oh, you... He's fine.
Well, he's got some stuff
going on, romantically.
There was a break-up.
In that, corinne dumped him.
Major doesn't get dumped.
There are literally
Two reasons to end
a relationship with major,
zombie-ism and full-on death.
-Wait, you don't
think corinne...
-Is now a zombie?
Seems unlikely.
Speaking of roommates, have
you spoken with peyton yet?
Wow. All roads lead to rome
with you lately, huh?
I think you need
to ask yourself why
you're so interested in her.
I don't know. Just saw
her in action briefly.
She was quite fiery.
And you like them fiery.
Someone kind of hard to get,
Maybe a little complicated.
You want to have
to put in some work.
-I don't shy away
from a challenge.
-Of course you don't.
Because then there's
the potential to win.
To rewrite history,
be the conqueror.
Wait, no, uh...
What history am i rewriting?
I don't know which parent
was distant and made you
work for affection.
Are you shrinking me?
I'm just pointing out
obvious behavior
That could potentially
lead to you being hurt.
Okay, i guess
i'm shrinking you,
But you really do need
to learn from the past
and not try to relive it.
I can't help it. I'm filled
to the brim with insight.
Oh, that's what
you're full of?
Just find out if she's
dating anyone, okay?
I live to enable.
Liv: Fun fact of zombie-ism:
Knowing you're being affected
by the brain you just ate
Doesn't always stop you
from acting on its impulses.
Major?
I can see your mopey shadow.
Let me in.
Someone needs to tell you
that self-sabotaging
is not the answer.
You're allowed to be happy.
Oh, major.
Who did this to you?
I can't talk about fight club.
-Crap.
-I want to know what happened!
Would you believe
shark attack?
Did you go to
the skate park again?
Rough night in jail.
Turns out the police take
umbrage when you accuse
them of negligence.
You were in jail?
Why didn't you...
You did call me. You called me
from jail and i didn't answer.
It's fine, really.
I'm glad you're here now.
(sighs)
You made it on
the police blotter?
One of the kids at helton
shelter brought that into
a group session this morning.
Unfortunately, my bosses
weren't nearly as impressed
With my "street cred"
as this kid was,
So if you hear of anyone
looking for a youth counselor
-With a rap sheet...
-They fired you.
-Major, i'm so sorry.
-Look at me.
(scoffs) i didn't
give them much choice.
I need to talk to you
about something.
I think you're the only one
who might listen to me.
Of course.
Those people in the woods
didn't kill jerome and eddie.
All right?
It was a drug dealer
named julien dupont.
The guy the kids call
"the candyman."
They found their remains
at the house.
Look, i'm telling you it
wasn't them, all right?
This dupont guy was
wearing jerome's shoes.
He, he practically admitted
to killing him.
The police, they're covering
this up. Now,
don't ask me why.
-The dna was verified.
-Just listen, please.
All right? I saw something
in the candyman's car
And it's gonna sound crazy,
all right?
-But i know what i saw.
-Okay.
There was an ice chest
in the passenger seat.
It had a brain inside.
A human brain.
I'm sure of it.
-You think i'm crazy.
-No!
It's just that
If the man worked
for a butcher shop
like he told the police,
Then it seems logical
the brains came
from an animal.
No, no, no. I've been
looking at pictures of human
and cow brains for hours,
And yes, i know how crazy
that sounds, but, liv,
A cow's brain
is baseball-sized.
That's not what this was!
I need someone to believe me.
I'd feel so much better
if that someone was you.
I know how close you
and jerome were,
How responsible
you felt for him.
I think you holding on
to this case is a way
of you holding on to him.
You're right.
I don't want you to be,
but you are.
I know it's not
easy to let go.
I've... I've got to get
my act together
'cause this...
This isn't who i am.
You know, if i'm gonna get
into a fight with
a biker gang,
It should be because
i accidentally knocked over
A row of their hogs
outside a dive bar.
(clicks tongue)
Just promise me that you'll
back off from this julien guy.
I promise.
You're a good friend, liv.
Liv: Every time major
calls me his friend, i ache.
I miss the "girl" modifier,
but the truth is,
We were practically besties
from the moment we met.
That's why we were
so great together.
Underneath all the love
and the desire to tear
each other's clothes off,
Was the person
i wanted to share
every detail of my life with.
Without that, it's not really
even a relationship, is it?
Is this just sex?
Is that who you are?
A zombie booty call?
Sorry. I instinctively
take off my shirt every time
someone knocks at the door.
What are we doing?
I just finished
dyeing my roots.
We can't all pull off
the ethereal tinker bell look.
I'm not sure what you're
up to, but it seems
to involve spiraling.
We're not friends. Shouldn't
friendship be the foundation
of a relationship?
It should be the foundation
of year two of a relationship
and beyond, but right now,
What i really wanna do is
spend epic amounts of time
Naked with you,
and the friendship will come.
Would we even be together
if we weren't both zombies?
Probably not.
My world was the music scene,
you were an er doctor.
I suppose i could've od'd,
would have been
a hell of a meet-cute,
But what does it matter?
Because
Here we are.
Zombies together.
It matters.
It doesn't.
We have nothing in common
other than being half-dead.
-That's not the basis
of a healthy relationship.
-I have a feeling
That the woman whose
brain you ate
Never had a healthy
relationship in her life.
How do you know
it was a woman?
She's exhausting.
I thought that being
a relationship and sex expert
might be a little fun, but...
Sorry, excuse me.
A what expert?
(liv chuckles)
-Ohhh!
-(kissing)
(breathing heavily)
-(chuckles)
-(breathing heavily)
-(panting)
-sasha: Play it again, sam.
(gasps)
Sam?
Guy you're secretly
pretending i am, or a vision?
A vision. A clue.
Then where were we?
So, who's the guy?
-Hmm?
-Lowell tracey.
Oh? Broody musician.
Not your usual type.
But, you know, you're not
the usual liv, are you?
You're looking at
the new normal, sister.
Well, if you're happy,
i'm happy for you.
-Even though i still think you
belong with someone else.
-Enough about me.
Who have you been
sailing with lately and
how big is his boat?
(chuckles) wow.
A size joke, really?
Oh, gosh,
you've changed. Um...
Actually,
the harbor is empty.
I mean, there's this startup
guy alex who keeps calling,
And i'm supposed to meet up
with paolo when the sounders
get back from germany.
Shannon hargens still asks me
out every time i kick his ass
in court. (chuckles)
Honestly though, i would
rather kick ass in court
than see any of them.
Sasha: Give a guy
some direction.
If you're too shy to tell him
where he can and can't put it,
You can't complain if it goes
where you don't want it to go.
What's up?
We've been in here for
an hour and 41 minutes.
Do i really have to ask again?
Is she or is she not
dating someone?
A tech wunderkind,
a professional soccer player,
And a future
supreme court justice.
So she's still looking.
Straight talk?
I don't think
you and peyton work.
True, you like a challenge
and peyton is certainly that,
But she dates guys you'd find
in a "most eligible bachelors
on the planet" catalog,
If such a thing existed.
And you don't think i'd be
featured in the pages
of hunks quarterly?
Ravi, she's a lawyer who looks
like victoria's secret model.
Liv, i'm a tall doctor
with fantastic hair
and a british accent.
But to hear you tell it,
she's out of my league.
I mean, i don't even
need to be this attractive.
It's just icing.
Besides, peyton and i,
We had a moment.
I'm sure that's how it seemed,
but i've known peyton
since college,
And literally, every man
who's ever met her thought
that they had a moment.
I've been a witness to all
those poor guys who
liked a challenge.
I've watched them approach
her table, full of hope. I've
seen her turn them into dust.
She's been asked out
so much, she doesn't
bother with niceties.
-Just trying to help.
-Thank you.
You know, i, uh...
I rescind all inquiries
into the subject.
You know, i'm a grown man
who knows a moment
when he experiences one.
Oh, and my "distant parents"?
They're fairly certain
i put the moon in the sky.
This brain you're on?
She's a bit of an ass.
Thanks for the straight talk.
Liv: The good thing about
being forced to listen to
hours of a relationship show?
It cuts down on the awkward
silence after you've just done
Possible irreparable damage
to a relationship of your own.
Man: The blues?
Y'all come on down
to s'il vous plait beignet...
Woman: (in southern accent)
it's high time you experience
The warmth of our
southern hospitality.
Man: Piping hot coffee...
Chuck's mail-order gymnast
has an alibi.
A dozen witnesses who saw her
at a "booty boot camp."
-You look like you've
got something.
-Listen to this.
It's a commercial
that ran last week
During great morning sex.
I've got it cued up.
Man: Got those
rainy day blues?
Y'all come on down to
s'il vous plait, beignet...
Woman: It's high time you
experience the warmth
of our southern hospitality.
Man: Piping hot coffee...
-That woman's voice...
-It's cheated on
in chattanooga!
They should be able to
tell us at the radio station
who recorded it.
Sorry. Radio. Where even
a memorial broadcast
Comes with a deadline
and six commercial breaks.
-Did those last
audio files help?
-Listen for yourself.
Oh, my god. That's
cheated on in chattanooga.
I should have
recognized the voice.
So who recorded it?
An ad agency?
Usually, but this time
it was kaley.
-The assistant?
-She did the temp track.
We mock ads up
to pitch new customers,
but kaley's southern accent
Was so good,
the beignet people just kept
her in the finished product.
-You don't think kaley...
-Do you know where
kaley is now?
Uh, home, i guess.
It's her day off.
(knocking at door)
Detectives?
What do you want?
I don't know about him,
but i'd like to experience
"the warmth of some
southern hospitality."
Ms. Taylor, where were you at
the time of sasha's murder?
I was on a coffee run
getting sasha's emergency
soy vanilla latte.
You have a receipt? Can anyone
place you there? A barista?
I was in the car,
on my way there,
listening to the show.
When i heard the commotion,
i turned around
and i drove back.
So at the time of the murder,
you say you were driving
around on an errand
That you didn't complete,
during which no one saw you?
That also gave you
plenty of time to call in as
cheated on in chattanooga.
What? What...
-What makes you think i...
-Man: Hey, babe.
Everything okay?
"play it again, sam."
What makes us think you're
cheated on in chattanooga?
We have a recording of you
doing a southern accent
in a commercial.
The boys at the police lab
matched your voice
to the cheated calls.
We also have an eyewitness
to the affair between
sasha and this man.
You were discreet, huh?
You had motive
and opportunity.
You told the whole world
you were gonna murder sasha.
I knew you were
never gonna let it go.
Kaley taylor,
you're under arrest for
the murder of sasha arconi.
Sam and i were going through
a rough time last year.
He got drunk at a work party
and sasha seduced him.
Cheated on in chattanooga
just seemed like a good way
to mess with her head,
Get even, without
ruining my career.
That's all it was.
You didn't think anybody would
recognize the same fake accent
you used in the beignet ads?
I'm from south carolina,
that "fake accent,"
(in southern accent)
that's my real voice, y'all.
And no, i didn't think anyone
was gonna remember an ad that
Aired exactly once before
the bakery folded a year ago.
The ad aired last week.
We've got it on tape.
For a business that
doesn't exist?
I highly doubt it.
So when you found out
your husband and your boss
were having these trysts,
You said nothing to her?
You just hatched
this elaborate plan?
If i had confronted
sasha directly,
She would have blackballed
me in the industry,
like she did to jane.
Sasha blackballed jane?
When she found out
jane was sending out tapes,
Sasha ran her down to
the station managers in every
top 100 market in the country.
Liv, she's right about
s'il vous plait, beignet.
According to yelp, they
shut their doors last year.
The only way that ad
gets on the recording
is if jane plants it there.
She wanted us
to put it together.
Sasha destroyed jane's career.
Jane wanted to kill her.
Kaley's on-air death threat
gave her the perfect
opportunity.
-Where's jane now?
-At the station,
Hosting sasha's
memorial broadcast.
She's finally getting
her big break.
Good evening and welcome.
I'm jane bowman.
Tonight we'll be celebrating
the life and work
Of sasha arconi,
who is gone too soon.
Sasha made us a community.
A mutual support system.
A sisterhood, linked
by one voice.
I hope you'll stick
with me as i do
My best to take the show
into its second decade.
Give us a call here.
Let's get it all out there.
Line one, you're on the air.
What are you going to
miss most about sasha?
Caller 1: Everything,
'cause you suck.
I know emotions are
running high, but let's try
to keep things positive.
-Line two.
-(snoring loudly)
(hangs up)
Jane: So, this must be how
substitute teachers feel.
Looks like my tenure here
won't be quite as long
as i'd hoped,
I'll leave you, her
adoring public, with this.
Sasha didn't care
about our problems.
Sasha cared about sasha.
During commercials,
She'd laugh at the crazies
who called in.
She slept with our boyfriends
and our husbands.
And when i decided
i wanted to live my dream
Of being in front of the mic
instead of behind it,
She destroyed my chances
with every station manager
on the west coast.
I was her biggest fan,
and she killed my dreams.
Well, i hope there's
radio in hell and i hope
you're listening, sasha.
-Because you can go...
-Jane bowman.
You're under arrest for
the murder of sasha arconi.
Any last words
for sasha's fans?
Jane lynch:
Bitch, get a clue!
-(shower running)
-i'm heading over
to lowell's place.
-Peyton: Yeah, won't wait up.
-(shower stops)
(cell phone ringing
and vibrating)
Oh, ravi.
Peyton: Hey, can you get that
for me? I'll be out in a sec.
-Peyton's phone.
-Liv?
Is, uh... (clears throat)
i'd like to speak to peyton.
Hi, ravi. Yeah, i'll,
um, get her.
-It's ravi.
-Who?
(whispering) my boss,
from the morgue.
(whispering)
oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
British guy.
Hi.
Liv: It's bad enough that i've
spent the past few days
Dispensing the advice
of a hypocrite.
If i don't get out of here
in the next three seconds,
I'm gonna witness
a train wreck.
Let this be a lesson.
Stay out of people's business.
-Keep your advice to yourself.
-Hey, liv.
Um, your boss just, uh...
You should say yes.
Is that weird for you?
Do it.
Um, yes. That...
That sounds great.
Liv: Okay. So the pledge
to keep my advice
to myself didn't last long.
Maybe i'm too reticent
on the advice front.
What would i say?
Ravi, never
listen to me again.
You are too selfless,
too wrapped up in saving me.
Chill out. Slow and steady
wins the race.
I can't have you
burning out.
Argh! Argh!
Liv: Because without you,
I'm nothing.
And, major,
Don't lose sight
of who you are.
You are sweetness
and light.
That's who i fell
in love with,
The next girl will
fall in love with.
Don't pile tragedy
on tragedy.
And what advice would you
give yourself, liv?
-Would you even take it?
-(alarm beeping)
How about trying to live
in the moment for once?
Being grateful for
the simple pleasures.
You don't need to know
why you feel good.
Just enjoy the ride.
Jerome!
Settle down, jerome.
It's not a long ride.
(gasps)
(breathing heavily)
(elevator door opens)