$#*! My Dad Says (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 11 - Family Dinner for Schmucks - full transcript

Dinner!

Dinner...

Dinner!!!

- What is going on?
- I made dinner.

Didn't anyone hear
the dinner bell?

It's not a dinner bell.
It's a ship's warning bell.

It means viet cong
torpedo boats--

We're all gonna die!

Well, I made dinner.

We're all gonna die.

I heard the bell.
Is everything okay?



I thought it was
a dinner bell.

No, honey, that's not
what that means.

It's a punishment bell.

It means
"come get your spanking."

And you rushed in
for that?

Time with dad is
time with dad.

All right,
it's family dinnertime.

Everyone have a seat.
Doesn't matter where.

It does, it does, it does.
It does matter...It does...

I don't--
I don't like it.

You know what...

And perfect.
Have a seat. Okay.

Bonnie,
what are you doing?

We are having
family dinner.



But we're not
in front of the tv.

That's right.
We are at a table

Where families eat dinner.

I thought, since the goodsons
are all under one roof,

Albeit temporarily,

That maybe we could
start a tradition

Where we sit down at dinner and
tell each other about our days.

You know,
call me sentimental,

But I think it's a nice way
to celebrate being a family.

- Pass.
- Ed, ed...

Sit down, please.
Just give it a try.

So, henry,
you were telling me a story

About a cute fact-checker girl
at work.

Oh, hey, you know what they
say about fact checkers?

That's a legitimate question.

I don't know anything
about fact checkers.

I don't know anything
about her either.

I mean, she could be married.
She could have a boyfriend.

No, I just remember
it was a cute story.

Something you do with her.
Go ahead, start talking.

Get the conversation ball
rolling.

Well, at work
we have this fact checker, kim.

And whenever
I'm writing a story,

I put in a funny name.

And then she catches it
and changes it into a real name.

There you go--
the very first

Goodson family
dinnertime story.

Nowhere to go but up.

Funny names, you say.
For instance?

Okay, now you're just
making fun of me.

No, no, no.
I'm really interested.

Well, it's not gonna be funny
out of context,

But, um--so today
I wrote an article

About the law firm
grabbit and spankaway.

Delightful.
Got another one?

Well, I did a story
on the new russian actress

Ivanna bangya.

Another one?

I'm actually kind of surprised
you like it.

I don't.
That's me being nice.

Here's me being mean.

It's your career,
not the north korean flag.

You don't pee all over it!

What are you talking about?

You don't joke around
at work.

You know what you do at work?
You work.

I'm just trying
to have a little fun.

You know what happens
if I joke around at work?

People die.

You're retired.

You told me your job
is to spend all your money

So there's nothing left
for me.

That's my passion.

My job is a surgeon.

You work three days a month
at a hospital

Just to keep your license.

That's right.
And tomorrow I make my rounds

With a doctor
exactly your age.

Do you think
he got where he is

By jerking around
at work?

All right, can we please
just talk about something else?

I'm enjoying myself.
I like these family dinners.

You're just
picking on henry.

Oh, that's right.

It's not fair.

Vince, bonnie...

You threw away your careers.

You're now trying
to start a business

Out of my garage.

How's that going for you?

You know what,
I'm out of here.

Right behind you.

Well, looks like
it's just you and me.

Pass!

So, bonnie,
how was your day?

Well, I tried to get a couple
of weak-willed men

To sit down at a table
with a stubborn old jackass.

Didn't work out so well.

Well, bon, at least
you have your looks.

You've got multiple claw
and bite marks on your buttocks.

Yeah, I stuck my ass
against the bars

Of a wolverine cage.

Wait, if you're here,
who's advising the president?

That's okay, grandpa,
I've got this one.

No, I've got it.
I'm not your grandpa,

But I did do your mother.

Oh, my god,
I didn't realize--

You're dr. Ed goodson.

- Yeah.
- You're a legend.

You take up three
parking spaces with your impala.

I don't want that baby
getting scratched.

That shade of burgundy
is hard to come by.

It is an honor.
Ted barron.

It's good to meet you,
dr. Goodson.

- Call me ed.
- All right, ed. All right.

So hit me. What are we
looking at here?

Well, gary here put his ass
against a wolverine cage.

Wait, wait, wait,
if you're here,

Then who's working on finding
the cure for cancer?

You guys can laugh,
but I'm gonna be getting, like,

A million hits
on youtube.

Really?

How much money
do you get for that?

Nothing.
Oh...

Let's have a look
shall we?

Both: Oh, my.

About 50 soft-tissue
lacerations.

Sutures or tape?

Oh, I only use staples.
It's faster.

Staples?
Is that gonna hurt?

Both: Not me.

Shall we each take a cheek?

Choose your weapon.

Seriously, guys,
I don't like pain.

Seriously,
you should have thought of that

Before you pressed ham
against the wolverine cage.

Shall we make this interesting?

- Ready.
- Set.

- Go!
- [crying out]

- Done.
- Damn! Come on!

Be better!

All right, take it easy.
You're good, kid.

27 years old, huh?

I know,
but I could be better.

My plan is to run this floor
in three years,

So I gotta stay focused.

Ah, good for you.

I wake up every morning,

And I stare in the mirror
for 45 seconds,

And I say,
"what will it take

For me to be the best?"

That's interesting.
I've got a kid your age.

He wakes up every morning,

Spends 45 minutes
in the shower thinking,

"what can I do to pretend
this wash cloth is megan fox?"

He arrives at a solution.

Ooh...Uhh!

Ow.

What are you doing?

Somebody sent me
this youtube.

A guy's ass versus wolverine.

Yeah, I met that ass.

I have always admired
guys like you.

You do an honest day's work
for an honest day's pay.

You guys are the heart
and soul of this country.

Ecch, they smell so bad!

Honey,
what's with the workers?

I thought I was gonna
assemble that dresser.

Yeah, no, I just thought
it would be easier,

So I just had them
do it there.

But I put together
all our furniture.

[weakly] ehh...Ehh.

You know...
[mutters gibberish]

Okay. All right.

[chuckling]

[chuckles]
what's so funny?

Well, you're like the dog
that leaves the vet

And doesn't know
his balls are gone

Because he can't see
around the neck cone.

Wait, why is that funny?

Well, I am really
looking forward

To meeting the congressman.

And I think this interview
is gonna be a good opportunity

For him to clear his name
from the whole escort scandal.

No, I will not
be needing a date.

Interview
with the congressman.

Hey, kim.
What's going on?

- Oh, hey, devil horns.
- What?

Oh, that's your nickname
around here.

- Every new guy gets one.
- Why "devil horns"?

Because every time
something good happens to you,

You do devil horns.

So wait,
I do devil horns,

And you guys call me
"devil horns"?

That's not very clever, kim.

Oh, it's not supposed
to be clever.

It's supposed to be mean.
Ask "pube head" in accounting.

Speaking of funny names,

Did you catch the one
I put in the last story?

You put a funny name in it?
I didn't proof it.

I always put a funny name
in it--that's our thing.

We don't have a thing. We've
known each other for a week.

Why didn't you proof it?

Because I had
a horrible night.

My baby was so sick,

And I couldn't get anyone
to watch her,

- And I couldn't get to work.
- Your baby?

Okay, listen up.

I'm not happy right now.

See, someone in
the fact-checking department

Thought it would be
hysterical

To put a fake joke name
in this article,

And it went to press.

Kim, you are
the fact-checking department.

Do you want to explain why
the new san diego police chief

Is a harry assenback?

Well, I...

Dickey, it's my story.

Stay out of this,
devil horns.

This is between me
and "are they real?"

The good news is

I can always find
a new fact checker.

No, dickey,
you can't fire her.

It's my fault.

Henry, you really
don't have to--

No, no. It's okay.

Look, I put the name in there
as a joke for kim,

And then I sent it
to printing by mistake.

If you're gonna fire anybody,
fire me.

Please don't fire me.
I really need this job.

You can't fire me.
I can't lose this job.

Well, henry, I must say
you've inspired me.

Thank you.

You've inspired me
to punish you

In a mean-spirited
and soul-crushing way.

God, I love
the publishing game!

Sweetheart, you're off
the political desk.

No, no. I just set up an
interview with the congressman.

Oh, well, that's a whole
different "i don't care."

I am giving you
the worst assignment

An alternative newspaper
can give.

Oh, not lesbian cinema.

Senior citizens'
rehabilitative dance.

Congratulations,
adult braces,

You're interviewing
the congressman.

Yeshhh!

[air horn blares]

What the hell was that?

Well, I didn't want to ring
your ship's bell,

And I saw this air horn,
so now this is the dinner horn.

It's not the dinner horn.

It's the "get off my chair"
horn.

That's not a real thing.

I wasn't in your chair.

- Who's in ed's chair?
- Whoa, whoa, relax.

No one was in
the great santini's chair.

It was the dinner horn.

All right, we're gonna try
one more time

To have a nice family dinner.
Everyone have a seat.

It doesn't matter
where you sit--

It kind of does.
It kind of does.

Don't--yeah--

And, ed--ed, don't--
[mutters indistinctly]

All right, all right,
here we go.

All right, henry,
how was your day?

Any stories?
No judgment.

Just hope it's better
than yesterday's.

I actually got in trouble
for yesterday's story.

The fact checker at work,
kim, handed in the article

With the funny name in it,
but she didn't proof it.

I didn't want her
to get fired,

So I took the heat
for it.

Wait, she didn't do her job,
and you took the heat?

She's a single mom.
She had to watch her baby, dad.

What was I supposed to do?

I'll tell you what
you're supposed to do.

Don't be a schmuck.

I'm not a schmuck, dad.
I was looking out for her.

Why don't you look out
for yourself?

Perhaps you'll
understand it better

If I give it a funny name--

Hugh r. Aschmuck.

Uh-oh, bonnie,

I'm having trouble
tossing this salad.

Hey, I know, how 'bout
you go down to the paint store

And get two guys
to come over here

And toss my salad?

Vincent, are you trying
to say something?

Yeah.
I'm not hungry.

Why do I even bother?

Dad, I finally have
a full-time job.

Why are you on me
like this?

All I know is that
you're not a 27-year-old

On track to be chief
of surgery.

So now you want me
to be a doctor.

You can be whatever
you want to be.

Just don't be a schmuck.

Well, guess what...
Too late!

Well...

What do we have here?

[speech garbled]
my tongue is big.

You're hung like a pig?

Well, there's not much
I can do about that.

It's more an issue
for your wife.

[garbled]
my tongue is swollen.

Your son's gone bowling?

It's 3:00 in the afternoon.

Hey, don't feel badly,

My son's also a schmuck.

But of course, I don't have
that pig thing going on.

Let's take a look
at your char--

Oh, your tongue
is swollen!

Why didn't you say so?

Well, the doctor gave you
penicillin.

You're allergic
to penicillin.

That was a lazy mistake.

Let's see, who was
the doctor on call?

Oh, my god,
dr. Ted barron.

[indistinct babbling]

I don't know, maybe
they have some onion rings

In the cafeteria.

And now our senior dancers,
ages 90 and over,

Wandering to handel's
water music.

[sighs]

Excuse me,
is this seat open?

Are you kidding me?

They're all open.
Hey!

Kim.

I am so sorry
dickey made you do this.

Ehh, it's actually
kind of interesting.

That guy was in genesis.

- The band?
- The bible.

So how's your baby?

Much better.

I think she just ate
a bad batch of cat food.

Oh, my god, that must have
freaked you out.

Your baby ate cat food?

Not really.
She's a cat, so...

Your baby's a cat?

Of course. What did you think
baby was?

I don't know, a baby.

So I got demoted because
your cat had food poisoning?

No, you got demoted
because you are a good guy

Who took a bullet
for me.

I guess that's something.

So no human baby?

No.

Human boyfriend?

No.

Let me ask you
a question.

If you had known
that she was a cat,

Would you still have
taken the heat for me?

Pbbbt.

Yeah, probably.

[chuckles]
I think my dad was right.

I'm a schmuck.

No, you are not.

I'm not?

Ted, can I talk to you
for a moment?

Oh, hey, ed.

Hey, you're not gonna
believe this.

I just patched up
two more clowns

Who copied
that youtube video.

That wolverine has gotten
more ass this week

Than I got
in all of med school.

Listen, uh, I just saw
a young man who said

You gave him penicillin.

Yeah. Yeah, that sounds right.
What's the problem?

Well, the problem is
he's allergic to penicillin.

You should have seen it
on his medical chart.

Let me see that.

Huh...Oh, yeah.

There.
All better.

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a second.

You can't just
tear up a medical chart.

It's not a drawing
your kid gives you.

This means something.

Ed, I am 27 years old,
and I see more patients

Than any other doctor
on this floor.

That gets me noticed.

Now, unfortunately,

Sometimes things slip
through the cracks.

Well, hey, I'm all for
cutting corners.

I haven't come to
a full stop at a crosswalk

Since the '60s.

But you can't
cut corners here.

You've got to look out
for your patients.

Hey, I've also gotta
look out for myself, ed.

Hey, hot shot...

What are you gonna do
when someone finds out

You screwed up?

I don't know. I guess
if it comes down to it,

I'll just pin it
on some schmuck.

Oh, what a good idea.

Aah!

Vince, what the heck?
What are you doing?

I wanted to prove to you

That I could
put this dresser together.

But it was together.

Uh, hello?
That's why I took it apart.

Okay.
How's that going?

Awesome. Awesome.

I just have to figure out
how to turn this into a dresser

And I'm done.

Vince, why is this
so important to you?

Because I don't want to be
some nutless dog

Walking around
with a cone on my head.

Damn it, I didn't like it
when your dad used that analogy

At our wedding,
and I don't like it now.

Bonnie, if you can't trust me
to build a dresser,

How are you supposed to trust me
to build our business?

Is our business
building dressers?

- No.
- That's right.

It's selling real estate.

And with that,
I trust you completely.

Really?

Who puts out the best snacks
at open houses?

I do.

Who came up with the term
"historically significant"

To describe a condo
where there had been

A triple homicide?

Guilty as charged.

And who is the cutest realtor
in the greater san diego area?

Um...Gonna have to go
with tom reynolds.

He's adorable.

No, according to me.
What do I think?

- Okay, uh, buh, buh, buh...
- You, hon--you.

Gimme a second.
I would have gotten it.

I'm just saying
you do all the important things

Better than anyone.

Now, let's forget about
this dresser,

And let's hire
a couple guys

And go upstairs
and fool around.

Fine.

But you can't kiss them.

No, no, they're gonna
put the dresser together.

- We're gonna go upstairs.
- Oh, that's much better.

That is much--
you would not believe...

[ship's whistle shrieking]

Who is sunbathing naked?

It doesn't mean that
anymore.

From now on,
it's a dinner whistle.

And it's nighttime.
What the hell are you thinking?

Did I miss it?

It doesn't mean that
anymore.

Vince, where did you
run off to?

Uh, dad blew the...

- Dinner whistle.
- The dinner whistle...

And I just wanted to get a look
at the fixin's.

A dinner whistle?
So now you're captain von trapp?

I don't...

I thought we weren't doing
family dinner anymore.

Well, we are.
I made a beautiful roast.

Please, sit down.

We're gonna restart
our family tradition.

I'll start by telling you
about my day.

Great.
Let me guess, dad--

You're gonna talk about
dr. Youngenstein.

Yes, I am. But you're gonna
like what I have to say.

The thing is, does he make
more money than you? Yeah.

Does he have a better job
than you? Absolutely.

Is he better looking
than you?

How can I put this?

Yes.

When is the part where I'm
gonna like what you're saying?

It's coming up.
Does he live with his dad?

No.

But let me tell you something
that you have

That he doesn't have.

Uneven sideburns?

- Obnoxious smirk?
- Flat ass?

Thank you, everybody!

All right,
here's what you have

That he doesn't have.

Character.

And I wouldn't trade that
for all the other qualities.

Thanks, pop.

That actually means a lot.

Whew. Not a schmuck.

Henry, that thing you do
with your hands?

- Mm-hmm.
- That makes you a schmuck.