$#*! My Dad Says (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 6 - Easy, Writer - full transcript

Ready for it? Here it comes.

This is ridiculous.
And three, two, one--

- This is ridiculous.
- And why?

- $4 for a cup of coffe.
- And the last time you paid--

Last time I paid $4...

For something this bitter,

I was bargaining down
an east german hooker.

[coughs]

Poor Jennifer Aniston.

She has to have coffee
every Thursday

with her angry father-in-law



and her brother-in-law,
who coughs because

he thinks it's covering up
the sound of him farting.

Oh, wait, that's not
Jennifer Aniston. That's me.

Jennifer aniston is canoodling

with a handsome stranger
in st. Barts.

I don't know who
this Jennifer Aniston is,

but she sounds annoying.

Oh, wait, that's you too.

I really do love her.

She gets to have
this exciting life.

She travels, she has
all these glamorous friends.

Oh, stop complaining,
your life is plenty glamorous.

Mm, sure hope
this tea settles my stomach.

It's like the three meats
from my sandwich



are having
a cage match in there.

[coughs]
That's better.

Henry, take a look at that sign.

Read it for me,
I can't see it from here.

[sigh]
It says "help wanted."

Help wanted!
What do ya know about that!

It's as if they were willing
to pay for somebody to help.

Sounds like a job to me.

Dad, I am doing everything
I can to get a job.

In fact, I have a meeting
with mission valley weekly.

I'm going to pitch them
some articles.

Do they pay for the pitch?

- No, but--
- Not a job.

Slinging coffee,
that's a job.

Selling overpriced condos,
that's a job.

Giving $4 worth of german
love to lonely sailors,

that's a job.
You don't have a job.

I bet you I have one
by the end of the day.

- And if you don't?
- Then I'll sling coffee.

Or give love to sailors.
[upbeat music]

So basically, dog parks
are the new singles bars.

Ooh. You know what I
like about that? Nothing.

But in all fairness, there's
a reason I don't like it.

It sucks.
What else you got?

[exhales]
Okay...

Um, turf wars between
san diego surfers.

I call it surf wars.

Well, now you're on to nothing.
Next.

Okay, so with everything going
on with health care these days--

[snoring]

People are actually
sneaking into mexico--

I'm sorry, is this
not interesting to you?

No, it's great. Keep going.

Well, anyway...

People are sneaking
back into mexico

because, ironically, the price
of health care in this country

is-- and--

Prohibitively their--
[imitates gunshot]

H.M.--

Their H.M.O. is--

Please stop talking. I'm dead.

[phone rings]

Who's that?
The boredom police?

No, it's my dad.
It's nothing, I'm sorry.

I thought it was on silent.

Um, anyway, all right,
I have this other idea

about ipads and how they--

[over intercom]
Dickey, sorry to interrupt.

There's a guy on the phone,
says it's an emergency.

- Oh, please don't be my dad.
- His name is Ed Goodson.

He says his son is here.

- Do not put him through.
- Put him through.

Thank you.

Hey schmuck-face,

did you run a load of laundry
for one pair of underwear?

Yeah.
Dad, kind of in a meeting.

Who do you think you are?
The queen of England?

You don't run
an entire load of laundry

for one pair of underwear.

And why does it say
"home of the whopper?"

I changed your diaper.
That's false advertising.

Dad, please.

So I've taken the liberty
of siphoning off

all of the water
from the washing machine.

That water is now
your water supply

for the rest of the week.

You can use it to bathe in,
eat, anything you wish.

Good luck in your meeting.

And I have made a delicious
ratatouille and couscous.

Dinner's at 5:00.

- So that's your dad?
- Yeah.

[clicks]

[imitates gunshot]

Okay, first of all,
don't do my thing.

And second, you live with him?

Yeah, for now.

I lost my job,
and the economy sucks.

A lot of people
are moving back home.

You're right.
We could do a trend piece.

I like that. Write that.

Write what?

Guy in his 20s
moves back in with his dad.

It's current. And
besides, he's really funny.

He's really not
"ha ha" funny.

He's more "ow, you really
hurt my feelings" funny.

Go, write it. Get out of here.

And when you get a chance,
get out of here.

All right, are you sure?
Because I--

2,000 words, 50 cents a word.

Gonna be on your desk
in the morning.

Vince, what are we doing here?

I don't know.

You were saying
your life isn't very glamorous,

so I thought we'd go
and get drinks

at a place
Jennifer Aniston might go to

if she found $38 in one
of her wife's old purses.

You're so sweet.

And I don't mean
to complain, it's just

sometimes I wish
our life was more exciting.

You know, our friends
more interesting.

Like, if we ran
in the same circles

as people who claim
to read the new yorker.

Ugh!
I hate the new yorker.

What is the point of a magazine
that does not have sudoku?

- Mm.
- Hey!

Honey, look at this.

We're in a bar that gives away
cheddar combos gratis.

And this is latin for cheese
plus pretzel equals awesome.

Hmm.

Hey, can I get
two kir royales please?

Oh, oh, my god. Vince...

Do you remember those realtors?

Samson and chloe
van der-something-danish.

They were on the cover of
san diego magazine

a couple of months ago.

I remember eating a danish.

- That's them.
- Who, the hottie?

And the redhead?

Yes.

We should be friends
with people like them.

That would really be a bump
from coach to business.

- Yoo-hoo.
- Wh--

What are you doing?

Well, now they're
gonna come over here.

And we smell like our car.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Do we know you?
- Uh, ish.

My name is bonnie goodson, and
this this is my husband, vince.

And we also work
in high-end real estate.

- Combo?
- They're gratis.

No, thank you.
I'm chloe, and this is samson.

Uh...
[scoffs]

Uh, we know. We know.

So what are you guys doing here?

- A special occasion?
- No, no,

this place just got a great
write-up in the new yorker.

Oh. I love the new yorker.

What about you guys?

Little bon-bon here's
been down in the dumps

and I had 38 large just
burning a hole in the dockers,

so I figured, you know,
what the heck?

You only live once, right?
Oh, that! Look at that!

I found a double. There we go.

[chuckles]
Be better.

- Well, nice meeting you.
- Okay.

We think you're great.
[clears throat]

Excuse me?

Bonnie here thinks
you're the kind of people

that we should be hanging out with.

Well, what are you guys doing
Saturday night for dinner?

- They have a great restaurant here.
- It's our favorite place.

They have an olive garden here?

Why am I on their mailing list
uf they don't tell me these things?

Mailing list? You're hilarious.

Okay, so Saturday night at 8:00?

That sounds great. We'll be there.
This is so cool.

We have a date with
the van der-somethings.

Grabs my ass.

I'll tell you what
the deadliest catch is.

Syphilis. Now that's a show.

[phone rings]

[Ed's voice] Hello,
you've reached the goodsons.

- Neither Ed, nor...
- Henry.

I know your name, schmuck-face.

[beep]
Henry, it's dickey. Love the article.

Your dad is hilarious.

"it smells like a cambodian
whorehouse in here."

Blah, blah. Vietnam.
[laughing]

I can't do it justice.
I suck at impressions.

Call me.

Henry!
Get your ass down here.

Okay...

They should not have charged
us for that channel, dad.

I just wanted to watch the preview,

up to the part
where the cheerleaders

find out the meaning of
the word "tryout."

Did you write an article about me?

I wrote an article
about me living with you.

- Am I in it?
- Yes.

You are the you part.

The magazine just called
and said they loved it.

- That's fantastic.
- No, it's not.

I didn't give you permission
to write anything about me.

The article's really about me

and how I had to move
back home with my dad.

Well, that's not gonna happen.

You gotta get them
to pull that article.

They're paying me $1,000, dad.
This is a big break for me.

I don't care if they're
paying you $1,000.

They gotta pull that story.

You tell me to get a job,
and I got one

- doing something I'm good at.
- I told you to get a real job.

- This is a real job!
- No, it's not.

You're exploiting me.
I'm not some 11-year-old in china

making blue jeans
for kathie lee gifford.

Besides, you probably made up
half that crap anyway.

Dad, I can't make this stuff up.

You actually cleaned my room
with a leaf blower.

I didn't clean it.

I open the window,
and I blow a tumbleweed

of pubic hair into
the neighbor's backyard.

See, this is the stuff I write
about because I live here.

Well, maybe we can change that.

What is your problem?

- It's just an article.
- It's not an article.

It's an embarrassment.

- What's so embarrassing?
- You come off looking funny.

Not funny. Funny is when a guy

gets hit in the nuts
with a wiffle ball bat.

Then why are you embarrassed?

I don't want all of
san diego to know that I'm--

I've got a 26-year-old son

who still has to live
with his father at home.

Wow.

Okay.

I'm sorry I'm such
an embarrassment, dad.

You wanna kill the article,
do it yourself.

I'm gonna go find a job.

Maybe something that
doesn't embarrass you.

And for the record, I'm 27.

Which says more about your
thing than it does mine,

so just forget I said that.

So you're saying it's about
surfers who have turf wars

over the waves, and you're
calling it surf wars?

You know what my
problem with that is?

Nothing.

I love it.

Get out of here. Go write.
We'll meet over drinks.

- Mr. Todd?
- I prefer dickey.

Your personal life is
none of my concern.

- My name is ed goodson and I--
- Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, you're Ed Goodson?

- Yes.
- Oh, my god.

Ed goodson. Ed goodson is here.

Ah, it is a pleasure to meet you.

Come on, insult me, and use
an obscure military reference.

What? I want my article back.

What do you mean
you want it back?

- It's fantastic.
- What difference does it make?

The articles are just filler between
ads for hookers and boob jobs.

Boom! E-bomb!
Telling it like it is.

Listen, I love you. I get you.

I want a pull-string doll of you.

But I'm running the story.

Listen, uh, dickey.

Let me ask you something.

Did anybody ever publish
something about you

- that was embarrassing?
- Are you kidding?

Google my name, I'll give you a dollar

if you can find a picture
of me with my clothes on.

Then you know exactly how I feel.

But the article isn't embarrassing.

- Have you read it?
- No.

Well, then how do you know
it's embarrassing?

I just know. Dickey...

- Do you have a father?
- Everyone has a father.

My guess is that...
You're not very close.

Is that a good guess, dickey?

No, I mean... We're very distant.

But he's disappointed you,
hasn't he?

Maybe a little.
We don't talk very much.

I want you to think of me
as your dad right now.

Call me big dickey.

What do you want?

- Speak up.
- What do you want, big dickey?

I want you to give this
nice man back his article.

[sigh]
Okay. I'll tell you what.

I will not run the article
until you've read it.

And if after you've read it,
you don't want me to run it,

- I won't.
- Thank you.

You're a very good boy,
little dickey.

So then, I put my pants back on
and I said, "oh, I'm sorry,

I thought this was
my buddy's apartment."

And then I decided not to press
charges, and we started dating.

- You guys are a riot.
- I know.

And how about the cleavage
on this one, right?

[giggles]

Thank you.

I just can't believe...

I can't believe our paths
haven't crossed before.

I thought we knew everyone
in the high-end market.

Well, actually,
I have a confession to make.

We don't sell high-end homes.

- We sell high-end condos.
- Yeah.

And by high-end,
she means low-end.

- Low. Low.
- Very low.

I just told you that to impress you.

The truth is we just
think you're fantastic,

and you're the kind of people
we wanna be friends with.

So you just said that
to impress us, huh?

Vince, I assume you didn't
really eat 25 hot dogs

in one sitting, either?
Hmm?

No. No, I didn't.

It was 29.

I thought 25 was
a much cooler number,

and you guys
just seemed so cool.

I love it!

It's so refreshing
to have honest friends.

Oh, that's so sweet.

[stage whisper]
She called us friends.

Okay, I have an idea.

Let's all tell each other something
that we've told nobody else.

Honey, great idea.
You first, vince.

Okay.

It was 32 hot dogs.
[laughing]

Bonnie.

Uh, um... Okay. Oh, my god.

I can't believe I'm about
to tell you guys this.

Okay, one time I left a pharmacy

with a bottle of nail
polish in my pocket

that I might not have paid for.
[gasps]

I'm so bad! I'm so bad!

You guys go. Go, go, go.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Um, okay.

We might have killed a guy
in cabo this past christmas.

Uh, excuse me, miss.
"Might have"?

Okay, wait. Sorry.

We might have killed him
when we drove over him,

but we definitely killed him
when we backed up.

Hey.

Wouldn't happen
to have a $4 cup of coffee

by any chance, would you?

I can't talk right now, dad.
I'm working. I got a job.

Your name tag says, "If I'm not
smiling, your drink is free."

I read your article.

I really don't care
what you think.

Okay, fine. What'd you
think? Don't tell me.

Did you like it?
I don't wanna know!

Oh, my god, you hated it.
What was wrong with the article?

Don't tell me. Did you like it?
I don't wanna know.

I came here to tell you

that I thought your article
was not horrible.

- And?
- Intermittently humorous.

So you're not embarrassed by it?

[sigh] It's
not hemingway,

but it's short enough
to read on the can.

First of all, I'll take
that as a compliment,

and I don't mean the writing.

I mean,
are you still embarrassed

that you have a 27-year-old
kid living at home?

I-I-I...

I guess if I had done a better...

[sigh]

If you'd done a better what?

You wouldn't be living at home.

[chuckles]

Okay, dad, you have screwed up

many different ways.

But this is not because of you.

There's lots of people
in this situation, dad.

I don't know, henry.

Why do you think all these people

are hanging out at
a coffee shop at this hour?

Why does anyone leave the house?
To escape their loved ones.

No.

It's because the economy
kicked our asses.

[chuckles] All right, henry,
if you need to believe that--

I'll show you. Excuse me.
Excuse me, everyone.

I was at a magazine
that went under.

Has anyone else lost
their job in the last year?

And how many of you had
to move back home?

And how many of
you are writers?

And how many of you
get paid for writing?

See, dad?

- No one.
- Wrong.

What are you talking about?

I told dickey that it was
okay to run with the article.

Here's your check.

[laughing]

I'm a working writer again!

All right, settle down.
You didn't cure polio.

Okay, I've got a confession.

I'm thirsty, and I need another drink,

and I need my trophy wife
to come with me.

Oh, this guy.

Oh, my god, do you believe
what they just said?

I know.

Do you think they
really wanna be friends,

or are they just saying that?

Bonnie, they killed a man.

Might have.

Honey, these are the coolest
people we've ever known.

I mean, can we just overlook
that little blip in their past?

It wasn't a blip.
It was a bump.

The bump of a man being
run over twice by their car.

That is what happens when
you live an exciting life.

You come into circumstances

where you accidentally
kill someone--in cabo!

Do you hear yourself right now?

Why, do I sound nasally?
Oh, I hate my voice.

Bonnie, you are condoning a murder

just so that you can sit
with the cool crowd.

- Is there no line?
- Of course there's a line.

- Okay, well, what is it?
- Well, in this case

it happens to be the borderline.

And this happened
south of it, so I'm okay!

We just bumped into
some friends at the bar.

You would love them.

Yeah, they're our type of people.

Did you hear that, vince?
"they're our type of people."

- Go on.
- Well,

they own a gallery here
and in los angeles.

They're big charity people,
they travel everywhere,

and they're gorgeous.

They're basically the brad
and angelina of san diego.

They're perfect.

- If they are perfect,

they'd be more like
brad and jen, but...

Ugh. You mean jen "yawniston"?
She's so boring.

I don't blame brad for leaving her.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa.

What are you saying?

We're not that into her.

Jennifer's little screen pretty,

and angelina is big screen pretty.

[gasp]

You have just messed
with the wrong "faniston."

So...

You guys killed a dude.
What's that like?

Jennifer aniston
is america's sweetheart

with a perfect yoga body,
and impossibly moist skin

that makes her look airbrushed,
even in person.

Have you even seen her in person?

No, but I've seen
pictures of her in person,

and they look airbrushed.
Let's go, vince!

Thank you for dinner.
And it was 46 hot dogs.

- [man over tv]
the home team has first and ten

- in the closing minutes of the...
- Dad, check this out.

You can flip through
the pictures on your phone

with your index finger.

[makes whooshing noises]
amazing, right?

Henry, nobody
gives a crap about

all the things your phone can do.

You didn't invent it, you bought it.
Any idiot can do that.

Oh, great, you're gonna
write that one down now.

Dad, it was one article.

Okay, it's not like
I'm gonna make a whole career

out of writing down
things you say.