Young & Hungry (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 15 - Young & Earthquake - full transcript
OKAY. FORTUNE COOKIE TIME.
PICK ONE.
THIS ONE.
NO, THIS ONE.
-NO, THIS ONE.
-OKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?
"WHEN ASKED, YOU WILL
GLADLY BEND OVER BACKWARDS."
BORING!
YEAH, THEY'RE ALL BORING.
THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE
TO ADD "IN BED."
"WHEN ASKED,
YOU WILL GLADLY BEND
OVER BACKWARDS..."
Both: IN BED!
(laughing)
-THAT'S GOOD. OKAY.
YOUR TURN. YOUR TURN.
-OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.
OH, PLEASE TELL ME
I'M GOING TO GET A JOB.
WHAT? ARE YOU
KIDDING ME?
I GOT NOTHING.
IN BED!
NO. I REALLY DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING. MY COOKIE'S EMPTY.
IN BED!
GABI, STOP.
I'M REALLY DEPRESSED.
IT'S OBVIOUS I'M NEVER
GOING TO GET A JOB
AND THIS COOKIE DOESN'T
HAVE THE BALLS TO TELL ME.
OKAY. WELL, YOU'RE
NEVER GOING TO GET A JOB
SITTING AT HOME READING
FORTUNE COOKIES. OKAY?
YOU HAVE TO TAKE
THIS SERIOUSLY.
YOU HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE
THAT ACTUALLY IS GOING
TO HELP YOU FIND A JOB.
(scoffs)
AND WHERE IS THAT?
THE SPIRITS
ARE TELLING ME
THAT MONEY IS
COMING YOUR WAY.
OKAY. HOW IS THIS
DIFFERENT FROM A
FORTUNE COOKIE?
WELL, SHE'S NOT
A COOKIE,
AND SHE IS A
TRAINED PROFESSIONAL.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I SEE THAT SOON
YOU WILL BE--
ASKING FOR A
REFUND "IN BED."
(theme music playing)
♪ SHE IN THE SPOTLIGHT ♪
♪ AND SHE TURNED MY HEAD ♪
♪ SHE RUN A RED LIGHT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE SHE BAD LIKE THAT ♪
♪ I LIKE THAT, OOH, BABY
OOH, BABY, BABY ♪
♪ I LIKE THAT
OOH, BABY, OOH, BABY ♪
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
BROUGHT ME HERE.
WELL, WHERE WAS I
SUPPOSED TO BRING YOU?
UH... I DON'T KNOW.
A JOB COUNSELOR?
(scoffing)
A JOB COUNSELOR.
LIKE THAT'S NOT
A TOTAL SCAM!
I'M SENSING TENSION.
(gasps) SEE? SHE'S GOOD.
OKAY. YEAH, OKAY.
ABSOLUTE STRANGER
WITH RUDIMENTARY SKILLS
AT READING FACIAL CUES,
TELL ME MY "FUTURE."
OOH, I'M GETTING SOMETHING.
I SENSE THAT BOTH
OF YOUR LIVES
ARE ABOUT TO
BE SHAKEN UP.
(gasps) OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S SUPER VAGUE.
THERE'S MORE.
(softly) THERE'S GOING
TO BE A SEISMIC SHIFT
IN YOUR WORLD.
(gasps) OH, MY GOD.
YOU JUST SAID
THE SAME THING...
(whispering)
BUT YOU WHISPERED IT.
THE TREMORS ARE GONNA
RIPPLE THROUGH--
NOW YOU'RE JUST
USING DIFFERENT WORDS.
EARTHQUAKE, BITCH!
THERE'S GOING TO BE
AN EARTHQUAKE!
SEE? SEE WHAT YOU DID. YOU
MADE HER MAD AND NOW THERE'S
GOING TO BE AN EARTHQUAKE.
GABI, COME ON. ANYONE CAN
PREDICT AN EARTHQUAKE.
THIS IS SAN FRANCISCO.
BUT SHE DIDN'T SAY
EXACTLY WHEN IT WAS
GONNA HAPPEN.
IT'S GONNA HAPPEN
THE NEXT TIME YOU PEE.
ME?
SOFIA, COULD YOU TAKE THE CAKE
SAMPLES OVER TO THE TABLE,
PLEASE? I CAN'T MOVE.
GABI, THIS IS NOT HEALTHY.
WOULD YOU JUST PEE ALREADY?
THE FATE OF
SAN FRANCISCO
RESTS ON MY BLADDER.
YOU ARE BEING RIDICULOUS.
OH, I DON'T THINK
ANYTHING ABOUT THIS
SITUATION IS RIDICULOUS.
OH, MY GOD. OUR WEDDING CAKE
HAS TO BE THIS DARK CHOCOLATE
GANACHE.
IT'S MY NUMBER ONE CHOICE.
PLEASE DON'T SAY
"NUMBER ONE."
BUT I LIKE THE
PEANUT BUTTER.
MMM. PLEASE
DON'T SAY PEE.
OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
COME OVER HERE.
I GOTTA TELL YOU
SOMETHING.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
SOFIA, WHAT, OKAY?
I'M DOING CAKE TASTING--
(gasps)
-(sneezes)
-YES!
OH, NO!
TAKE COVER, EVERYBODY!
DAMN, HOW BAD DOES
SHE HAVE TO GO?
SOFIA, WHAT'S GOING ON?
GABI THINKS THAT IF SHE
PEES THERE'S GOING TO BE AN--
EARTHQUAKE!
HEY!
DID YOU GUYS FEEL THAT?
IS EVERYBODY OKAY?
DID ANYTHING BREAK?
YEAH. MY DIET.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR SQUEEZING US IN.
YES, I AM SO SORRY THAT
I EVER DOUBTED YOU.
YE HAVE MUCH WISDOM.
CAN YOU TELL US EVERYTHING
THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?
YEAH. DON'T LEAVE
ANYTHING OUT, OKAY?
AND FIRST OFF,
IS IT SAFE TO PEE AGAIN?
(chiming)
-AHA!
-OOH, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
MMM. MY MICROWAVE
POPCORN IS DONE.
OOH! AH! YES!
YOU'RE GOING TO BE OFFERED
A BIG BUNDLE OF MONEY...
(both gasp)
...WHICH WILL LEAD TO YOU
HAVING A BIG CHUBBY BUNDLE
OF JOY WRAPPED IN BLUE.
A BUNDLE OF MONEY--
YOU'RE GOING TO GET
A JOB!
YEAH. AND SOME
GUY AT MY NEW JOB IS
GOING TO KNOCK ME UP.
WAIT. WHAT?
YOUR INSTINCT WILL BE
TO SAY NO TO THIS OFFER,
BUT DON'T.
OH, SHE WON'T. NOW ME.
I SEE THAT SOMEONE IS
GOING TO ASK FOR YOUR
HAND.
-(gasps)
-MY HAND? LIKE IN MARRIAGE?
IT'S UNCLEAR.
BUT SOMETHING ABOUT
THIS RELATIONSHIP IS
GONNA BE SMOKING HOT.
(gasps) WOW.
WHO IS IT? TELL ME!
CAN YOU TELL ME
ANYTHING? SOMETHING?
WELL, HIS NAME STARTS
WITH THE LETTER "J."
(gasps)
"J"?
WHOSE NAME STARTS
WITH THE LETTER "J"?
"J"..."J"...
(gasps)
IS THE SECOND LETTER "O"?
IS THE SECOND LETTER "O"?
BITCH, YOU CAN'T
BUY A VOWEL.
THIS ISN'T WHEEL OF FORTUNE.
WHO DO I LOOK LIKE,
VANNA WHITE?
(wheezing)
JOSH, YOU OKAY?
LAST TIME I SAW A MAN
STRUGGLING THAT HARD
TO BREATHE...
WE HAD TO SWITCH POSITIONS.
I'M OKAY.
I JUST...WALKED UP
27 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS.
I'M OKAY.
BUT THEY FIXED THE ELEVATOR
AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE.
YOU EVER HEARD OF
AFTERSHOCKS?
WHEN I WAS A KID,
THERE WAS AN EARTHQUAKE,
I WAS TRAPPED ALONE
IN THIS ELEVATOR FOR
TWO HOURS.
TO THIS DAY I SHUDDER
WHENEVER I HEAR LIGHT JAZZ.
YEAH. ME, TOO.
WHITE PEOPLE
RUIN EVERYTHING.
OH, DAMN IT.
I LEFT MY PHONE DOWN THERE.
HEY, YOLANDA,
WOULD YOU MIND--
AH! NEWSFLASH!
JOSH, A BLACK WOMAN GOING
TO A RICH WHITE MAN'S CAR,
TAKING HIS PHONE...
NEVER ENDS WELL.
NOW, WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO,
IS I WANT YOU TO GO OUT THERE,
GET IN THAT ELEVATOR
AND SHOW IT WHO'S BOSS.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M BEING CRAZY.
-HELL, YEAH, YOU ARE!
-JOSH KAMINSKI!
-KICK ASS, KAMINSKI!
-I'M NOT SCARED OF STUFF!
DAMN STRAIGHT, YOU'RE NOT.
(scoffs) I CAN TAKE IT
IF I FEEL LIKE IT.
BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE JOSH IS
GOING TO PROPOSE TO ME.
WHAT IS HE THINKING?
I MEAN, WE COULDN'T
MAKE DATING WORK...
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO MAKE MARRIAGE WORK?
HE IS OUT OF HIS MIND.
AT LEAST YOU'RE
GETTING A RING...
I'M GOING TO BE THE
UNMARRIED PREGNANT
BEST FRIEND.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT
THAT WOULD BE YOU.
I MEAN, I WORK FOR THE MAN.
HE'S PUTTING ME IN
A VERY AWKWARD POSITION.
OH, YOU WANT TO TALK
ABOUT AWKWARD POSITION?
TRY BEING IN YOUR THIRD
TRIMESTER AND LOOKING
FOR A DATE ON TINDER.
OKAY. WELL, WE JUST HAVE
TO STICK TOGETHER, OKAY?
YOU STAY BY MY SIDE
AND DON'T LET JOSH
PROPOSE TO ME.
OKAY. AND YOU STAY BY
MY SIDE AND DON'T LET ANYONE
PUT A BABY IN LIL' SO-SO.
HEY, GUYS,
WHAT YOU DOING?
GABI, I KNOW THIS IS
UNFAMILIAR TO YOU...
BUT IT'S CALLED READING.
IT'S A PAMPHLET
ON FERTILITY.
AFTER THAT
DREADFUL EARTHQUAKE...
WE REALIZED
LIFE IS SHORT.
SO WE STARTED TALKING
ABOUT LIFE, AND WE--
DECIDED TO HAVE A BABY!
(gasps)
OH, YOU WANTED
TO TELL THEM?
GO AHEAD.
WE DECIDED
TO HAVE A BABY.
WHATEVER--
-CONGRATULATIONS!
-OH, GUYS, THAT'S AMAZING!
THAT'S WHY WE'RE
SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.
USING AN ANONYMOUS EGG
DONOR IS SO IMPERSONAL.
SO WE'D RATHER ASK
SOMEONE WE KNOW.
WOULD YOU CONSIDER
BEING OUR EGG DONOR, SOFIA?
OH, DO YOU WANT TO
ASK HER? GO AHEAD.
WOULD YOU CONSIDER BEING--
AH, FORGET IT.
OH, MY GOD!
WAIT, YOU WANT
ONE OF HER EGGS?
OH, IT'S NOTHING
PERSONAL, GABALAH.
WE JUST DON'T WANT
TO RAISE A DEMON SPAWN.
WE'D GIVE YOU
$20,000 FOR YOUR EGG
AND YOU'D HELP US
GET A LITTLE BUNDLE
OF JOY.
-OH, MY GOD,
A BUNDLE OF JOY!
-OH, MY GOD!
A BUNDLE OF MONEY!
Both: IT'S HAPPENING.
-YOU DON'T HAVE TO
SAY YES RIGHT NOW--
-YES.
I KNEW IT. WE STARTED
TOO HIGH. I TOLD YOU SHE
WOULD'VE TAKEN EIGHT.
SO YOU'LL GO WITH US TOMORROW
TO A FERTILITY DOCTOR TO SEE
IF YOU'RE A CANDIDATE?
WELL, A PSYCHIC TOLD ME
TO SAY "YES," SO YES!
A PSYCHIC! I THOUGHT
YOU SAID SHE WAS SMART.
WAIT, YOUR
PREDICTION CAME TRUE.
DOES THAT MEAN THAT
JOSH IS ABOUT TO--
(wheezing)
GABI--
GABI, WILL YOU--
NO, NO, NO, NO!
I'M TOO YOUNG.
PLEASE MAKE ME
A SMOOTHIE.
PLEASE MAKE ME
A SMOOTHIE!
I KNOW THIS MIGHT SEEM
A LITTLE SCARY, SOFIA...
BUT ELLIOT AND I
ARE HERE FOR YOU
EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.
ANYTHING YOU NEED,
YOU LET US KNOW.
THANKS, GUYS.
JUST THINK, OUR OWN
LITTLE BUNDLE OF--
CRAP!
LOOK AT ALL
THESE POSTERS.
OH, I CAN'T!
IF I WASN'T
GAY ALREADY...
I WOULDN'T KNOW THE FIRST
THING TO DO WITH THIS.
YEAH, NEITHER DO
STRAIGHT GUYS.
WHY IS THERE A
SONICARE IN HERE?
OH! THAT'S NOT A TOOTHBRUSH.
THAT'S AN ULTRASOUND WAND.
YEAH, THE DOCTORS USE IT
TO LOOK INSIDE YOUR--
PENIS! PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!
WOW! IT'S ALL VAGINA
ALL THE TIME IN HERE.
REMEMBER THAT STUFF WE SAID
ABOUT US BEING THERE--
-YEAH, JUST GO.
-I'M GOING TO GO.
HAVE A GOOD
MEETING, JOSH.
OKAY. SEE YOU.
-ALL RIGHT.
-BYE!
TRYING TO TAKE
THE STAIRS?
WHY ARE THESE
STAIR DOORS LOCKED?
IT'S A FIRE HAZARD.
BECAUSE WE ARE CONQUERING YOUR
FEAR RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW.
NO!
THAT IS A BAD IDEA.
I DON'T WANNA.
COME ON, JOSH. DON'T WORRY.
I DID A LITTLE RESEARCH ONLINE.
AND THEY SAY IF YOU
WANT TO CONQUER YOUR FEAR,
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS
ASSOCIATE IT WITH SOMETHING
THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
LIKE FIRING YOU?
OR...
DONUTS!
START EATING ONE OF THESE
AS SOON AS YOU GET ON THE
ELEVATOR. LIKE THIS.
DAMN, THAT'S GOOD.
YOLANDA, THE ELEVATOR
DOORS DIDN'T EVEN OPEN.
NO. BUT MY MOUTH DID.
(elevator dings)
JOSH!
GET IN THAT ELEVATOR!
BYE!
OKAY. I CAN DO THIS.
YEAH, OKAY, JOSH.
HONESTLY, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO
AND I AM JUST
NOT READY.
I CAN SEE THAT YOU'RE
REALLY NERVOUS, TOO.
IT'S GOING TO BE FINE!
IT'S GOING TO BE FINE!
WELL, YEAH, OF COURSE
IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.
I MEAN, YOU'RE SMART
AND YOU'RE HANDSOME--
NO, NO, NO, NO.
DON'T DO THIS, OKAY?
DON'T DO-(gasps)
IT'S A BIG ONE!
IT'S A BIG ONE!
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
-EARTHQUAKE!
-(screaming)
OH, GOD, JOSH.
I WILL MARRY YOU!
ELLIOT, IT'S OVER.
YOU CAN LET GO NOW.
BUT YOU'RE SO STRONG...
LIKE A JEWISH
CHANNING TATUM.
YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF
FIVE MORE SECONDS.
(gasps) GOD!
(panting) HELLO!
SOMEBODY!
SOMEBODY HELP!
Man: SOFIA MARIA CONSUELA
RAFAELA RODRIGUEZ?
THAT'S ME!
WAIT, WHO IS THAT?
IS THAT GOD?
CLOSE. IT'S DR. WALKER
AT THE URINE SAMPLE
PASS-THROUGH.
-OH!
-ARE YOU OKAY?
NO! I CAN'T GET
THE DOOR OPEN.
OKAY, DON'T WORRY.
I ALREADY CALLED FOR HELP.
EVERYTHING'S
GOING TO BE FINE.
(sighs) THAT'S EASY
FOR YOU TO SAY.
YOU'RE OUT THERE.
THAT'S TRUE.
IF I WAS TRAPPED IN THERE
I'D BE FREAKING OUT.
CAN YOU JUST KEEP
TALKING TO ME?
I'M SCARED THERE'S GOING
TO BE AN AFTERSHOCK.
OH, OKAY. UM, WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
OH! UH...
ROCKY ROAD, COOKIE DOUGH,
TOO YOUNG TO DIE.
THAT LAST ONE'S NOT A FLAVOR,
IT'S JUST HOW I FEEL.
OH, MY GOD.
I'M FREAKING OUT. CAN YOU
JUST SAY SOMETHING ELSE?
YOU HAVE THE PRETTIEST
EYES I'VE EVER SEEN THROUGH
A URINE PASS-THROUGH.
AW. WELL, MY EYES
ARE NOT WHAT I THOUGHT YOU'D BE
LOOKING INTO WHEN I GOT HERE.
-(electricity crackling)
-ARE WE STUCK?
MM-HMM.
WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO?
WELL, FIRST I'M GOING
TO PUT YOU DOWN.
'KAY.
THEN YOU'RE GOING TO EXPLAIN
WHY YOU SAID YOU'LL MARRY ME.
'KAY.
SO--
YOU KNOW THAT THING
WHERE YOU THINK SOMEBODY'S
GOING TO PROPOSE TO YOU...
BUT YOU'RE NOT READY,
SO YOU'RE LIKE, "NO WAY!"
AND THEN YOU THINK YOU'RE
GOING TO DIE, SO YOU'RE LIKE,
"LET'S DO THIS!"
GABI, WHAT REASON COULD YOU
POSSIBLY HAVE TO THINK I WAS
GOING TO PROPOSE TO YOU?
-A PSYCHIC TOLD ME.
-AND THERE IT IS.
MADAME PAULETTE SAID,
THE GUY WHOSE NAME STARTED
WITH THE LETTER "J"
WAS GOING TO ASK FOR MY HAND
AND THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP
WOULD BE "SMOKING HOT"!
WELL, I MEAN...
THAT DOES
SOUND LIKE ME.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
AS RELIABLE OF A SOURCE
AS MADAME PAULETTE IS...
I CAN ASSURE YOU, GABI,
THE LAST THING I'M GOING TO DO
RIGHT NOW IS PROPOSE TO YOU.
YEAH. THE "LAST THING"
IS A LITTLE HARSH.
STUPID PSYCHIC.
IT WOULD'VE BEEN NICE
IF SHE WAS GOING TO
TELL ME WE'RE GOING
TO GET STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR.
SHE SUCKS.
WE'RE GOOD NOW?
NO! WE'RE STUCK
IN AN ELEVATOR!
OKAY, RELAX.
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE FINE.
TAKE A DEEP BREATH. BREATHE.
(breathing deeply) SEE!
LOT'S OF OXYGEN IN HERE.
PLENTY OF SPACE TO MOVE
AROUND IF WE WANT TO.
(squeals)
OR FREEZE EXACTLY
IN PLACE.
(light jazz playing)
I GOTTA GET THE
HELL OUTTA HERE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WAIT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GOING TO GO CLIMB UP A FLOOR
AND OPEN THE ELEVATOR DOORS,
AND GET YOU HELP!
NO, NO, NO!
PLEASE DON'T GO.
GABI, I HAVE TO GET OUT
OF HERE BEFORE THE SAX
SOLO KICKS IN.
CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?
AFTER THE FIRST EARTHQUAKE,
I WAS THINKING
"LIFE IS SHORT...
WHY WAIT TO
HAVE A KID?"
BUT NOW I'M THINKING,
"LIFE IS SHORT...
WHY SPEND IT
WITH A KID?"
REALLY?
BECAUSE WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS
GOING TO DIE, I WASN'T
THINKING ABOUT BABIES,
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.
WE MAY NOT HAVE
THAT MUCH TIME LEFT,
BUT I KNOW I WANT TO
SPEND IT WITH ONLY YOU.
AND NOT HERE IN
VAGINA CENTRAL.
AW, MY LITTLE KNISH!
AW! MY LITTLE SWEET
AND SOUR DUMPLING.
OOH, ALL OF A SUDDEN
I'M HUNGRY.
I COULD GO FOR A NOSH.
OH, WHAT ABOUT SOFIA?
OH, YEAH! SOFIA!
SOFIA, YOU WANT
ANYTHING FROM THE DELI?
I'M TRAPPED IN HERE!
WE'LL TAKE THAT
AS A NO.
WE WOULD'VE MADE
SUCH GOOD PARENTS.
THE BEST.
IT'S NICE OF YOU TO CONSIDER
DONATING AN EGG TO HELP YOUR
FRIENDS.
YEAH, WELL, I'M NOT
EXACTLY DONATING.
I'M KINDA DOING IT
FOR THE MONEY.
AND 'CAUSE A PSYCHIC
TOLD ME TO.
OH, A PSYCHIC. WELL,
THEN FOR SURE YOU
SHOULD DO THIS.
YOU THINK?
NO! IT'S CRAZY!
ISN'T IT? I MEAN, AT FIRST I
THOUGHT, "CHA-CHING, EASY MONEY
AND IT WOULDN'T EVEN HURT,"
AND THEN IT'S LIKE,
"WHERE'D MY EGG GO?
"WHAT EGG? WHO CARES?
I HAVE A MILLION MORE.
I WON'T EVEN MISS IT."
BUT THEN, WHAT IF IN 18 YEARS
I GET A KNOCK ON THE DOOR
AND IT'S SOME KID SAYING,
"MAMA," AND THEN I'M LIKE,
"FEDERICO JOSE PABLO
ENRIQUE RODRIGUEZ...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
CAN I GIVE YOU
SOME ADVICE?
WHAT? ADVICE FROM
AN ACTUAL PROFESSIONAL?
THAT'LL BE A WELCOME CHANGE.
IF YOU'RE NOT READY
FOR THIS, DON'T DO IT.
FOLLOW YOUR GUT.
MY GUT IS TELLING
ME TO SAY NO...
BUT MY BANK ACCOUNT
IS TELLING ME,
"TAKE THE MONEY, FOOL."
HEY! I HAVE A
PREDICTION FOR YOU.
WHAT?
A SINGLE, YOUNG DOCTOR
IS GOING TO ASK YOU OUT
FOR ICE CREAM...
IF THAT'S NOT TOO FORWARD
AND YOU'RE NOT LACTOSE
INTOLERANT?
UH, I THINK I'D
REALLY LIKE THAT.
(thudding)
MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
(gasps) I'M SAVED!
I'LL SEE YOU ON
THE OTHER SIDE.
NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS,
I WILL FIND YOU!
THANK YOU!
SOFIA?
IT'S ME, FROM THE
URINE PASS-THROUGH.
-OH, MY GOD.
-WHAT?
THE PSYCHIC WAS RIGHT.
IT'S NOT A BABY AT ALL.
YOU'RE THE CHUBBY BUNDLE
OF JOY WRAPPED IN BLUE.
(scoffs) I'VE BEEN
CALLED WORSE.
BUT I GET IT IF YOU
CHANGED YOUR MIND.
IF YOU DON'T WANT
TO GO OUT FOR ICE CREAM.
IT'S TOTALLY COOL.
OH, YEAH,
I'M SORRY, I DON'T.
UNLESS IT'S AFTER
A ROMANTIC DINNER.
DINNER AND ICE CREAM?
THAT'S THE PERFECT NIGHT.
I DON'T EVEN NEED YOU TO GO!
GABI!
IS THIS THE RIGHT FLOOR?
I FOUND A FIREMAN.
YES, YES, YES!
THIS IS THE RIGHT FLOOR.
THANK GOD,
IT'S BEEN FOREVER!
IT'S BEEN EIGHT MINUTES.
-ARE YOU OKAY?
-YEAH, I'M FINE.
JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE.
GIVE ME YOUR HAND.
I'M SORRY,
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
YOUR HAND.
GIVE ME YOUR HAND.
YOU'RE ASKING ME
FOR MY HAND?
YEAH, SO I CAN PULL
YOU OUT OF THERE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
-LIEUTENANT REYNOLDS.
-FIRST NAME. FIRST NAME.
-JASON.
-JASON!
WITH A "J"?
MA'AM, DID YOU HIT
YOUR HEAD IN THERE?
NO, NO! I'M FINE.
OH, MY GOD,
THE PSYCHIC WAS RIGHT!
A "J" DID ASK
FOR MY HAND.
AND SHE WAS RIGHT
ABOUT SMOKING HOT!
THANK YOU.
WELL, I MEANT 'CAUSE YOU'RE
A FIREMAN, BUT HI, I'M GABI.
WELL, I HAVE TO SEE
ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN
THE OTHER FLOORS...
BUT I CAN CHECK ON YOU
LATER IF YOU WANT.
YEAH, I WANT.
I WORK IN THE PENTHOUSE.
SWING BY ANYTIME.
ALL RIGHT. WELL,
I'LL SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
(laughing loudly)
LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
HE IS SO BRAVE.
I SHIMMIED OUT
OF THE ELEVATOR...
CLIMBED UP THE CABLE...
PRIED THE DOORS OPEN
ABOVE US WITH MY BARE HANDS...
AND I FOUND YOU HELP,
BUT YEAH...
HE'S SUPERMAN.
(woman shrieks)
AND THIS IS
NOT OUR FLOOR.
OH! LOOK,
MADAME PAULETTE...
I USUALLY TALK TO MY
GIRL SCARLET OVER ON
LIBERTY STREET...
BUT BOTH MY FRIENDS
SAID THEY MET GUYS
AFTER SEEING YOU.
SO I'M HOPING
YOU GOT THE TOUCH.
I'M SORRY, I'M NOT
PICKING UP ANY VIBRATIONS.
WELL, MAYBE YOU WOULD
IF YOU PUT DOWN THAT
SUPER TINY FORK WITH THE--
OOH, WHAT KIND OF
BREAD IS THAT?
UH-UH! THIS AIN'T
NO BUFFET, BITCH.
WELL, THEN TELL ME
MY FORTUNE, BITCH.
AH! SEE, NOW I'M
GETTING SOMETHING.
AH!
YOU HAVE ALREADY MET
THE MAN YOU'RE GOING
TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH.
(giggling) OOH, I HAVE?
WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?
HE'S THE EXOTIC TYPE.
OOH! I LOVE EXOTIC!
I SEE HIM IN
A SUIT AND TIE.
OH, HE FANCY!
TELL ME MORE.
HE WEARS A BOW TIE...
AND HIS NAME
STARTS WITH AN "E."
OH, HELL NO!
PICK ONE.
THIS ONE.
NO, THIS ONE.
-NO, THIS ONE.
-OKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?
"WHEN ASKED, YOU WILL
GLADLY BEND OVER BACKWARDS."
BORING!
YEAH, THEY'RE ALL BORING.
THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE
TO ADD "IN BED."
"WHEN ASKED,
YOU WILL GLADLY BEND
OVER BACKWARDS..."
Both: IN BED!
(laughing)
-THAT'S GOOD. OKAY.
YOUR TURN. YOUR TURN.
-OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.
OH, PLEASE TELL ME
I'M GOING TO GET A JOB.
WHAT? ARE YOU
KIDDING ME?
I GOT NOTHING.
IN BED!
NO. I REALLY DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING. MY COOKIE'S EMPTY.
IN BED!
GABI, STOP.
I'M REALLY DEPRESSED.
IT'S OBVIOUS I'M NEVER
GOING TO GET A JOB
AND THIS COOKIE DOESN'T
HAVE THE BALLS TO TELL ME.
OKAY. WELL, YOU'RE
NEVER GOING TO GET A JOB
SITTING AT HOME READING
FORTUNE COOKIES. OKAY?
YOU HAVE TO TAKE
THIS SERIOUSLY.
YOU HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE
THAT ACTUALLY IS GOING
TO HELP YOU FIND A JOB.
(scoffs)
AND WHERE IS THAT?
THE SPIRITS
ARE TELLING ME
THAT MONEY IS
COMING YOUR WAY.
OKAY. HOW IS THIS
DIFFERENT FROM A
FORTUNE COOKIE?
WELL, SHE'S NOT
A COOKIE,
AND SHE IS A
TRAINED PROFESSIONAL.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I SEE THAT SOON
YOU WILL BE--
ASKING FOR A
REFUND "IN BED."
(theme music playing)
♪ SHE IN THE SPOTLIGHT ♪
♪ AND SHE TURNED MY HEAD ♪
♪ SHE RUN A RED LIGHT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE SHE BAD LIKE THAT ♪
♪ I LIKE THAT, OOH, BABY
OOH, BABY, BABY ♪
♪ I LIKE THAT
OOH, BABY, OOH, BABY ♪
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
BROUGHT ME HERE.
WELL, WHERE WAS I
SUPPOSED TO BRING YOU?
UH... I DON'T KNOW.
A JOB COUNSELOR?
(scoffing)
A JOB COUNSELOR.
LIKE THAT'S NOT
A TOTAL SCAM!
I'M SENSING TENSION.
(gasps) SEE? SHE'S GOOD.
OKAY. YEAH, OKAY.
ABSOLUTE STRANGER
WITH RUDIMENTARY SKILLS
AT READING FACIAL CUES,
TELL ME MY "FUTURE."
OOH, I'M GETTING SOMETHING.
I SENSE THAT BOTH
OF YOUR LIVES
ARE ABOUT TO
BE SHAKEN UP.
(gasps) OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S SUPER VAGUE.
THERE'S MORE.
(softly) THERE'S GOING
TO BE A SEISMIC SHIFT
IN YOUR WORLD.
(gasps) OH, MY GOD.
YOU JUST SAID
THE SAME THING...
(whispering)
BUT YOU WHISPERED IT.
THE TREMORS ARE GONNA
RIPPLE THROUGH--
NOW YOU'RE JUST
USING DIFFERENT WORDS.
EARTHQUAKE, BITCH!
THERE'S GOING TO BE
AN EARTHQUAKE!
SEE? SEE WHAT YOU DID. YOU
MADE HER MAD AND NOW THERE'S
GOING TO BE AN EARTHQUAKE.
GABI, COME ON. ANYONE CAN
PREDICT AN EARTHQUAKE.
THIS IS SAN FRANCISCO.
BUT SHE DIDN'T SAY
EXACTLY WHEN IT WAS
GONNA HAPPEN.
IT'S GONNA HAPPEN
THE NEXT TIME YOU PEE.
ME?
SOFIA, COULD YOU TAKE THE CAKE
SAMPLES OVER TO THE TABLE,
PLEASE? I CAN'T MOVE.
GABI, THIS IS NOT HEALTHY.
WOULD YOU JUST PEE ALREADY?
THE FATE OF
SAN FRANCISCO
RESTS ON MY BLADDER.
YOU ARE BEING RIDICULOUS.
OH, I DON'T THINK
ANYTHING ABOUT THIS
SITUATION IS RIDICULOUS.
OH, MY GOD. OUR WEDDING CAKE
HAS TO BE THIS DARK CHOCOLATE
GANACHE.
IT'S MY NUMBER ONE CHOICE.
PLEASE DON'T SAY
"NUMBER ONE."
BUT I LIKE THE
PEANUT BUTTER.
MMM. PLEASE
DON'T SAY PEE.
OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
COME OVER HERE.
I GOTTA TELL YOU
SOMETHING.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
SOFIA, WHAT, OKAY?
I'M DOING CAKE TASTING--
(gasps)
-(sneezes)
-YES!
OH, NO!
TAKE COVER, EVERYBODY!
DAMN, HOW BAD DOES
SHE HAVE TO GO?
SOFIA, WHAT'S GOING ON?
GABI THINKS THAT IF SHE
PEES THERE'S GOING TO BE AN--
EARTHQUAKE!
HEY!
DID YOU GUYS FEEL THAT?
IS EVERYBODY OKAY?
DID ANYTHING BREAK?
YEAH. MY DIET.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR SQUEEZING US IN.
YES, I AM SO SORRY THAT
I EVER DOUBTED YOU.
YE HAVE MUCH WISDOM.
CAN YOU TELL US EVERYTHING
THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?
YEAH. DON'T LEAVE
ANYTHING OUT, OKAY?
AND FIRST OFF,
IS IT SAFE TO PEE AGAIN?
(chiming)
-AHA!
-OOH, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
MMM. MY MICROWAVE
POPCORN IS DONE.
OOH! AH! YES!
YOU'RE GOING TO BE OFFERED
A BIG BUNDLE OF MONEY...
(both gasp)
...WHICH WILL LEAD TO YOU
HAVING A BIG CHUBBY BUNDLE
OF JOY WRAPPED IN BLUE.
A BUNDLE OF MONEY--
YOU'RE GOING TO GET
A JOB!
YEAH. AND SOME
GUY AT MY NEW JOB IS
GOING TO KNOCK ME UP.
WAIT. WHAT?
YOUR INSTINCT WILL BE
TO SAY NO TO THIS OFFER,
BUT DON'T.
OH, SHE WON'T. NOW ME.
I SEE THAT SOMEONE IS
GOING TO ASK FOR YOUR
HAND.
-(gasps)
-MY HAND? LIKE IN MARRIAGE?
IT'S UNCLEAR.
BUT SOMETHING ABOUT
THIS RELATIONSHIP IS
GONNA BE SMOKING HOT.
(gasps) WOW.
WHO IS IT? TELL ME!
CAN YOU TELL ME
ANYTHING? SOMETHING?
WELL, HIS NAME STARTS
WITH THE LETTER "J."
(gasps)
"J"?
WHOSE NAME STARTS
WITH THE LETTER "J"?
"J"..."J"...
(gasps)
IS THE SECOND LETTER "O"?
IS THE SECOND LETTER "O"?
BITCH, YOU CAN'T
BUY A VOWEL.
THIS ISN'T WHEEL OF FORTUNE.
WHO DO I LOOK LIKE,
VANNA WHITE?
(wheezing)
JOSH, YOU OKAY?
LAST TIME I SAW A MAN
STRUGGLING THAT HARD
TO BREATHE...
WE HAD TO SWITCH POSITIONS.
I'M OKAY.
I JUST...WALKED UP
27 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS.
I'M OKAY.
BUT THEY FIXED THE ELEVATOR
AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE.
YOU EVER HEARD OF
AFTERSHOCKS?
WHEN I WAS A KID,
THERE WAS AN EARTHQUAKE,
I WAS TRAPPED ALONE
IN THIS ELEVATOR FOR
TWO HOURS.
TO THIS DAY I SHUDDER
WHENEVER I HEAR LIGHT JAZZ.
YEAH. ME, TOO.
WHITE PEOPLE
RUIN EVERYTHING.
OH, DAMN IT.
I LEFT MY PHONE DOWN THERE.
HEY, YOLANDA,
WOULD YOU MIND--
AH! NEWSFLASH!
JOSH, A BLACK WOMAN GOING
TO A RICH WHITE MAN'S CAR,
TAKING HIS PHONE...
NEVER ENDS WELL.
NOW, WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO,
IS I WANT YOU TO GO OUT THERE,
GET IN THAT ELEVATOR
AND SHOW IT WHO'S BOSS.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M BEING CRAZY.
-HELL, YEAH, YOU ARE!
-JOSH KAMINSKI!
-KICK ASS, KAMINSKI!
-I'M NOT SCARED OF STUFF!
DAMN STRAIGHT, YOU'RE NOT.
(scoffs) I CAN TAKE IT
IF I FEEL LIKE IT.
BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE JOSH IS
GOING TO PROPOSE TO ME.
WHAT IS HE THINKING?
I MEAN, WE COULDN'T
MAKE DATING WORK...
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO MAKE MARRIAGE WORK?
HE IS OUT OF HIS MIND.
AT LEAST YOU'RE
GETTING A RING...
I'M GOING TO BE THE
UNMARRIED PREGNANT
BEST FRIEND.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT
THAT WOULD BE YOU.
I MEAN, I WORK FOR THE MAN.
HE'S PUTTING ME IN
A VERY AWKWARD POSITION.
OH, YOU WANT TO TALK
ABOUT AWKWARD POSITION?
TRY BEING IN YOUR THIRD
TRIMESTER AND LOOKING
FOR A DATE ON TINDER.
OKAY. WELL, WE JUST HAVE
TO STICK TOGETHER, OKAY?
YOU STAY BY MY SIDE
AND DON'T LET JOSH
PROPOSE TO ME.
OKAY. AND YOU STAY BY
MY SIDE AND DON'T LET ANYONE
PUT A BABY IN LIL' SO-SO.
HEY, GUYS,
WHAT YOU DOING?
GABI, I KNOW THIS IS
UNFAMILIAR TO YOU...
BUT IT'S CALLED READING.
IT'S A PAMPHLET
ON FERTILITY.
AFTER THAT
DREADFUL EARTHQUAKE...
WE REALIZED
LIFE IS SHORT.
SO WE STARTED TALKING
ABOUT LIFE, AND WE--
DECIDED TO HAVE A BABY!
(gasps)
OH, YOU WANTED
TO TELL THEM?
GO AHEAD.
WE DECIDED
TO HAVE A BABY.
WHATEVER--
-CONGRATULATIONS!
-OH, GUYS, THAT'S AMAZING!
THAT'S WHY WE'RE
SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.
USING AN ANONYMOUS EGG
DONOR IS SO IMPERSONAL.
SO WE'D RATHER ASK
SOMEONE WE KNOW.
WOULD YOU CONSIDER
BEING OUR EGG DONOR, SOFIA?
OH, DO YOU WANT TO
ASK HER? GO AHEAD.
WOULD YOU CONSIDER BEING--
AH, FORGET IT.
OH, MY GOD!
WAIT, YOU WANT
ONE OF HER EGGS?
OH, IT'S NOTHING
PERSONAL, GABALAH.
WE JUST DON'T WANT
TO RAISE A DEMON SPAWN.
WE'D GIVE YOU
$20,000 FOR YOUR EGG
AND YOU'D HELP US
GET A LITTLE BUNDLE
OF JOY.
-OH, MY GOD,
A BUNDLE OF JOY!
-OH, MY GOD!
A BUNDLE OF MONEY!
Both: IT'S HAPPENING.
-YOU DON'T HAVE TO
SAY YES RIGHT NOW--
-YES.
I KNEW IT. WE STARTED
TOO HIGH. I TOLD YOU SHE
WOULD'VE TAKEN EIGHT.
SO YOU'LL GO WITH US TOMORROW
TO A FERTILITY DOCTOR TO SEE
IF YOU'RE A CANDIDATE?
WELL, A PSYCHIC TOLD ME
TO SAY "YES," SO YES!
A PSYCHIC! I THOUGHT
YOU SAID SHE WAS SMART.
WAIT, YOUR
PREDICTION CAME TRUE.
DOES THAT MEAN THAT
JOSH IS ABOUT TO--
(wheezing)
GABI--
GABI, WILL YOU--
NO, NO, NO, NO!
I'M TOO YOUNG.
PLEASE MAKE ME
A SMOOTHIE.
PLEASE MAKE ME
A SMOOTHIE!
I KNOW THIS MIGHT SEEM
A LITTLE SCARY, SOFIA...
BUT ELLIOT AND I
ARE HERE FOR YOU
EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.
ANYTHING YOU NEED,
YOU LET US KNOW.
THANKS, GUYS.
JUST THINK, OUR OWN
LITTLE BUNDLE OF--
CRAP!
LOOK AT ALL
THESE POSTERS.
OH, I CAN'T!
IF I WASN'T
GAY ALREADY...
I WOULDN'T KNOW THE FIRST
THING TO DO WITH THIS.
YEAH, NEITHER DO
STRAIGHT GUYS.
WHY IS THERE A
SONICARE IN HERE?
OH! THAT'S NOT A TOOTHBRUSH.
THAT'S AN ULTRASOUND WAND.
YEAH, THE DOCTORS USE IT
TO LOOK INSIDE YOUR--
PENIS! PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!
WOW! IT'S ALL VAGINA
ALL THE TIME IN HERE.
REMEMBER THAT STUFF WE SAID
ABOUT US BEING THERE--
-YEAH, JUST GO.
-I'M GOING TO GO.
HAVE A GOOD
MEETING, JOSH.
OKAY. SEE YOU.
-ALL RIGHT.
-BYE!
TRYING TO TAKE
THE STAIRS?
WHY ARE THESE
STAIR DOORS LOCKED?
IT'S A FIRE HAZARD.
BECAUSE WE ARE CONQUERING YOUR
FEAR RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW.
NO!
THAT IS A BAD IDEA.
I DON'T WANNA.
COME ON, JOSH. DON'T WORRY.
I DID A LITTLE RESEARCH ONLINE.
AND THEY SAY IF YOU
WANT TO CONQUER YOUR FEAR,
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS
ASSOCIATE IT WITH SOMETHING
THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
LIKE FIRING YOU?
OR...
DONUTS!
START EATING ONE OF THESE
AS SOON AS YOU GET ON THE
ELEVATOR. LIKE THIS.
DAMN, THAT'S GOOD.
YOLANDA, THE ELEVATOR
DOORS DIDN'T EVEN OPEN.
NO. BUT MY MOUTH DID.
(elevator dings)
JOSH!
GET IN THAT ELEVATOR!
BYE!
OKAY. I CAN DO THIS.
YEAH, OKAY, JOSH.
HONESTLY, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO
AND I AM JUST
NOT READY.
I CAN SEE THAT YOU'RE
REALLY NERVOUS, TOO.
IT'S GOING TO BE FINE!
IT'S GOING TO BE FINE!
WELL, YEAH, OF COURSE
IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.
I MEAN, YOU'RE SMART
AND YOU'RE HANDSOME--
NO, NO, NO, NO.
DON'T DO THIS, OKAY?
DON'T DO-(gasps)
IT'S A BIG ONE!
IT'S A BIG ONE!
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
-EARTHQUAKE!
-(screaming)
OH, GOD, JOSH.
I WILL MARRY YOU!
ELLIOT, IT'S OVER.
YOU CAN LET GO NOW.
BUT YOU'RE SO STRONG...
LIKE A JEWISH
CHANNING TATUM.
YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF
FIVE MORE SECONDS.
(gasps) GOD!
(panting) HELLO!
SOMEBODY!
SOMEBODY HELP!
Man: SOFIA MARIA CONSUELA
RAFAELA RODRIGUEZ?
THAT'S ME!
WAIT, WHO IS THAT?
IS THAT GOD?
CLOSE. IT'S DR. WALKER
AT THE URINE SAMPLE
PASS-THROUGH.
-OH!
-ARE YOU OKAY?
NO! I CAN'T GET
THE DOOR OPEN.
OKAY, DON'T WORRY.
I ALREADY CALLED FOR HELP.
EVERYTHING'S
GOING TO BE FINE.
(sighs) THAT'S EASY
FOR YOU TO SAY.
YOU'RE OUT THERE.
THAT'S TRUE.
IF I WAS TRAPPED IN THERE
I'D BE FREAKING OUT.
CAN YOU JUST KEEP
TALKING TO ME?
I'M SCARED THERE'S GOING
TO BE AN AFTERSHOCK.
OH, OKAY. UM, WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
OH! UH...
ROCKY ROAD, COOKIE DOUGH,
TOO YOUNG TO DIE.
THAT LAST ONE'S NOT A FLAVOR,
IT'S JUST HOW I FEEL.
OH, MY GOD.
I'M FREAKING OUT. CAN YOU
JUST SAY SOMETHING ELSE?
YOU HAVE THE PRETTIEST
EYES I'VE EVER SEEN THROUGH
A URINE PASS-THROUGH.
AW. WELL, MY EYES
ARE NOT WHAT I THOUGHT YOU'D BE
LOOKING INTO WHEN I GOT HERE.
-(electricity crackling)
-ARE WE STUCK?
MM-HMM.
WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO?
WELL, FIRST I'M GOING
TO PUT YOU DOWN.
'KAY.
THEN YOU'RE GOING TO EXPLAIN
WHY YOU SAID YOU'LL MARRY ME.
'KAY.
SO--
YOU KNOW THAT THING
WHERE YOU THINK SOMEBODY'S
GOING TO PROPOSE TO YOU...
BUT YOU'RE NOT READY,
SO YOU'RE LIKE, "NO WAY!"
AND THEN YOU THINK YOU'RE
GOING TO DIE, SO YOU'RE LIKE,
"LET'S DO THIS!"
GABI, WHAT REASON COULD YOU
POSSIBLY HAVE TO THINK I WAS
GOING TO PROPOSE TO YOU?
-A PSYCHIC TOLD ME.
-AND THERE IT IS.
MADAME PAULETTE SAID,
THE GUY WHOSE NAME STARTED
WITH THE LETTER "J"
WAS GOING TO ASK FOR MY HAND
AND THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP
WOULD BE "SMOKING HOT"!
WELL, I MEAN...
THAT DOES
SOUND LIKE ME.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
AS RELIABLE OF A SOURCE
AS MADAME PAULETTE IS...
I CAN ASSURE YOU, GABI,
THE LAST THING I'M GOING TO DO
RIGHT NOW IS PROPOSE TO YOU.
YEAH. THE "LAST THING"
IS A LITTLE HARSH.
STUPID PSYCHIC.
IT WOULD'VE BEEN NICE
IF SHE WAS GOING TO
TELL ME WE'RE GOING
TO GET STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR.
SHE SUCKS.
WE'RE GOOD NOW?
NO! WE'RE STUCK
IN AN ELEVATOR!
OKAY, RELAX.
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE FINE.
TAKE A DEEP BREATH. BREATHE.
(breathing deeply) SEE!
LOT'S OF OXYGEN IN HERE.
PLENTY OF SPACE TO MOVE
AROUND IF WE WANT TO.
(squeals)
OR FREEZE EXACTLY
IN PLACE.
(light jazz playing)
I GOTTA GET THE
HELL OUTTA HERE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WAIT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GOING TO GO CLIMB UP A FLOOR
AND OPEN THE ELEVATOR DOORS,
AND GET YOU HELP!
NO, NO, NO!
PLEASE DON'T GO.
GABI, I HAVE TO GET OUT
OF HERE BEFORE THE SAX
SOLO KICKS IN.
CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?
AFTER THE FIRST EARTHQUAKE,
I WAS THINKING
"LIFE IS SHORT...
WHY WAIT TO
HAVE A KID?"
BUT NOW I'M THINKING,
"LIFE IS SHORT...
WHY SPEND IT
WITH A KID?"
REALLY?
BECAUSE WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS
GOING TO DIE, I WASN'T
THINKING ABOUT BABIES,
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.
WE MAY NOT HAVE
THAT MUCH TIME LEFT,
BUT I KNOW I WANT TO
SPEND IT WITH ONLY YOU.
AND NOT HERE IN
VAGINA CENTRAL.
AW, MY LITTLE KNISH!
AW! MY LITTLE SWEET
AND SOUR DUMPLING.
OOH, ALL OF A SUDDEN
I'M HUNGRY.
I COULD GO FOR A NOSH.
OH, WHAT ABOUT SOFIA?
OH, YEAH! SOFIA!
SOFIA, YOU WANT
ANYTHING FROM THE DELI?
I'M TRAPPED IN HERE!
WE'LL TAKE THAT
AS A NO.
WE WOULD'VE MADE
SUCH GOOD PARENTS.
THE BEST.
IT'S NICE OF YOU TO CONSIDER
DONATING AN EGG TO HELP YOUR
FRIENDS.
YEAH, WELL, I'M NOT
EXACTLY DONATING.
I'M KINDA DOING IT
FOR THE MONEY.
AND 'CAUSE A PSYCHIC
TOLD ME TO.
OH, A PSYCHIC. WELL,
THEN FOR SURE YOU
SHOULD DO THIS.
YOU THINK?
NO! IT'S CRAZY!
ISN'T IT? I MEAN, AT FIRST I
THOUGHT, "CHA-CHING, EASY MONEY
AND IT WOULDN'T EVEN HURT,"
AND THEN IT'S LIKE,
"WHERE'D MY EGG GO?
"WHAT EGG? WHO CARES?
I HAVE A MILLION MORE.
I WON'T EVEN MISS IT."
BUT THEN, WHAT IF IN 18 YEARS
I GET A KNOCK ON THE DOOR
AND IT'S SOME KID SAYING,
"MAMA," AND THEN I'M LIKE,
"FEDERICO JOSE PABLO
ENRIQUE RODRIGUEZ...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
CAN I GIVE YOU
SOME ADVICE?
WHAT? ADVICE FROM
AN ACTUAL PROFESSIONAL?
THAT'LL BE A WELCOME CHANGE.
IF YOU'RE NOT READY
FOR THIS, DON'T DO IT.
FOLLOW YOUR GUT.
MY GUT IS TELLING
ME TO SAY NO...
BUT MY BANK ACCOUNT
IS TELLING ME,
"TAKE THE MONEY, FOOL."
HEY! I HAVE A
PREDICTION FOR YOU.
WHAT?
A SINGLE, YOUNG DOCTOR
IS GOING TO ASK YOU OUT
FOR ICE CREAM...
IF THAT'S NOT TOO FORWARD
AND YOU'RE NOT LACTOSE
INTOLERANT?
UH, I THINK I'D
REALLY LIKE THAT.
(thudding)
MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
(gasps) I'M SAVED!
I'LL SEE YOU ON
THE OTHER SIDE.
NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS,
I WILL FIND YOU!
THANK YOU!
SOFIA?
IT'S ME, FROM THE
URINE PASS-THROUGH.
-OH, MY GOD.
-WHAT?
THE PSYCHIC WAS RIGHT.
IT'S NOT A BABY AT ALL.
YOU'RE THE CHUBBY BUNDLE
OF JOY WRAPPED IN BLUE.
(scoffs) I'VE BEEN
CALLED WORSE.
BUT I GET IT IF YOU
CHANGED YOUR MIND.
IF YOU DON'T WANT
TO GO OUT FOR ICE CREAM.
IT'S TOTALLY COOL.
OH, YEAH,
I'M SORRY, I DON'T.
UNLESS IT'S AFTER
A ROMANTIC DINNER.
DINNER AND ICE CREAM?
THAT'S THE PERFECT NIGHT.
I DON'T EVEN NEED YOU TO GO!
GABI!
IS THIS THE RIGHT FLOOR?
I FOUND A FIREMAN.
YES, YES, YES!
THIS IS THE RIGHT FLOOR.
THANK GOD,
IT'S BEEN FOREVER!
IT'S BEEN EIGHT MINUTES.
-ARE YOU OKAY?
-YEAH, I'M FINE.
JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE.
GIVE ME YOUR HAND.
I'M SORRY,
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
YOUR HAND.
GIVE ME YOUR HAND.
YOU'RE ASKING ME
FOR MY HAND?
YEAH, SO I CAN PULL
YOU OUT OF THERE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
-LIEUTENANT REYNOLDS.
-FIRST NAME. FIRST NAME.
-JASON.
-JASON!
WITH A "J"?
MA'AM, DID YOU HIT
YOUR HEAD IN THERE?
NO, NO! I'M FINE.
OH, MY GOD,
THE PSYCHIC WAS RIGHT!
A "J" DID ASK
FOR MY HAND.
AND SHE WAS RIGHT
ABOUT SMOKING HOT!
THANK YOU.
WELL, I MEANT 'CAUSE YOU'RE
A FIREMAN, BUT HI, I'M GABI.
WELL, I HAVE TO SEE
ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN
THE OTHER FLOORS...
BUT I CAN CHECK ON YOU
LATER IF YOU WANT.
YEAH, I WANT.
I WORK IN THE PENTHOUSE.
SWING BY ANYTIME.
ALL RIGHT. WELL,
I'LL SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
(laughing loudly)
LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
HE IS SO BRAVE.
I SHIMMIED OUT
OF THE ELEVATOR...
CLIMBED UP THE CABLE...
PRIED THE DOORS OPEN
ABOVE US WITH MY BARE HANDS...
AND I FOUND YOU HELP,
BUT YEAH...
HE'S SUPERMAN.
(woman shrieks)
AND THIS IS
NOT OUR FLOOR.
OH! LOOK,
MADAME PAULETTE...
I USUALLY TALK TO MY
GIRL SCARLET OVER ON
LIBERTY STREET...
BUT BOTH MY FRIENDS
SAID THEY MET GUYS
AFTER SEEING YOU.
SO I'M HOPING
YOU GOT THE TOUCH.
I'M SORRY, I'M NOT
PICKING UP ANY VIBRATIONS.
WELL, MAYBE YOU WOULD
IF YOU PUT DOWN THAT
SUPER TINY FORK WITH THE--
OOH, WHAT KIND OF
BREAD IS THAT?
UH-UH! THIS AIN'T
NO BUFFET, BITCH.
WELL, THEN TELL ME
MY FORTUNE, BITCH.
AH! SEE, NOW I'M
GETTING SOMETHING.
AH!
YOU HAVE ALREADY MET
THE MAN YOU'RE GOING
TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH.
(giggling) OOH, I HAVE?
WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?
HE'S THE EXOTIC TYPE.
OOH! I LOVE EXOTIC!
I SEE HIM IN
A SUIT AND TIE.
OH, HE FANCY!
TELL ME MORE.
HE WEARS A BOW TIE...
AND HIS NAME
STARTS WITH AN "E."
OH, HELL NO!