Young & Hungry (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Young & Car-Less - full transcript
A well-meaning Josh makes a terrible mistake when he replaces Gabi's broken-down car.
[Pop music playing]
[Sniffs]
Ah, get a whiff of that.
My car still has that
new duct tape smell.
Oh!
And a spring in the seat
that is very into latinas.
Okay, one more pothole
and I'm going to have to bring
you home to meet my parents.
God, this is so much better
than public transportation.
I don't know why you never
want to drive with me.
Uh, because I don't trust a car
that's 40% stolen office supplies.
Hmm.
- Is something burning?
- [Sniffing]
Oh yeah, but that's rubber,
not gas, so we're fine.
[Coughs] No no no, seriously,
I need... I need air.
- [Cracks]
- Oh!
Oh, don't worry about it.
That broke a while ago.
[Chuckles] Here,
just use one of these.
[Grunts]
[Gasping]
Here, let me turn on the vents.
[Coughs]
No no, turn it off!
Turn it off!
It's okay, it's just
some leaves or...
[Spits] Raccoon fur.
[Hacks]
- [Squealing]
- Uh-oh.
That didn't sound good.
No, it's fine.
I can fix it.
- [Radio playing pop music]
- [Groans]
[Laughs] See? Now you
can't hear anything.
[Backfires]
[Engine sputters, dies]
That's new.
It's all right,
we're still moving, so...
Yeah, well, that's because
we're going downhill.
Okay, and a little too fast. Now
would be a good time to pull over!
Yeah, totally would,
if the brakes worked!
[Screaming]
[Theme music playing]
Well, my shoe broke.
Your car broke.
And they're worth
about the same!
I get it! You think my
car's a piece of crap.
I wish your car was
a piece of crap.
To quote the mechanic, it is
a "tragedy with seat belts."
I say this with love, Gabi,
I think it's time
to crush it into a cube.
What do you see in this photo?
You not pulling off cornrows.
[Shudders]
I meant this one.
I know, it's the day your mom
gave you her car
for your 16th birthday.
Yeah.
And that car was the last thing
she gave me before she died.
I know, I'm sorry.
I know how much
it means to you.
"To my sweet baby girl,"
two rules:
Treat her well
"and don't ever have sex
in the backseat."
Well, you followed
the first one.
It's just every time
I sit in that car,
I feel like she's still sitting next
to me, yelling "Brake! Brake! Brake!"
Gabi, the car is 30 years old.
I think it's time to let her go.
- What?! Never!
- It's not safe.
If you keep driving it
you're gonna see your mom
a lot sooner than you think.
I realize how bad that sounds.
I'm just worried about you.
That's fine.
I'm gonna get her fixed.
Well, I hate to be
a buzzkill Betty,
but how are you gonna
afford to fix that?
The way my mom taught me,
by baking.
She said "when life gives you
lemons, you just make lemon pie."
I feel like we may need
to make like 100.
Well, this would be
the first time your pie
would be getting
us out of trouble.
Gabi is almost an hour late.
Josh is gonna be mad.
This is going to be good.
Guys, where's Gabi?
I'm starving.
Gabi's in the other room!
Yeah, a room that's
not in this house.
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
My car died and I was going to
text you but my phone died too.
Oh my God, Gabi.
Uh-oh, here we go.
Does someone need a hug?
Yes, that would be lovely.
Thank you.
What the hell?
He never hugs me.
And I offer daily.
Do you think it's
because they slept together?
No!
Damn it, 'cause I was
going to try that.
Uh, Josh, I don't mean
to nitpick,
but last week, when I was late,
I didn't get a hug.
I think we all feel
under-hugged.
Guys, come on, you don't
need special treatment.
You're responsible adults.
Your lives are under control.
[Whispers] This one's
hanging on by a thread.
No, I'm not!
I... I had a little bit
of car trouble,
which involved jumping out
of it to save my life.
And then I was going to call you but
then the trolley ran over my phone.
Don't worry, I found a way
to pay for the repairs,
which involves baking and
selling pies at the swap meet.
Now does that sound like somebody
who's hanging on by a thread?
I'm sorry, you're right,
she's a train wreck.
I'm sorry too.
So, Gabi, why don't you
give me the mechanic's number
and let me take
care of this for you?
Oh... no no, thank you.
This thread-hanger-onner
has it under control.
Hey, you know I didn't
mean anything by that.
I'm just looking
out for you.
Give me the
mechanic's number and
I'll make sure he's not
ripping you off.
Oh, trust me, I did
my research and
this is the perfect
mechanic to fix my car.
Really?
And how did you decide that?
Well, he was the closest one that
Sofia and I could push it to.
- Hey there.
- Hey.
Did a small blonde girl drop off
a rusty Toyota tercel in here?
Ooh, I wouldn't forget
a piece like that.
Excuse me?
That car, man.
What a piece of junk.
I told blondie she is gonna
take a lot of work, man.
[Chuckles] Oh, I bet you did.
Guess what? Now you're
dealing with this guy.
So why don't you break it
down to me, man to man?
Okay, the timing belt snapped, sent
the valves through the pistons,
the transmission bands are shot, and
the camshaft bearings are dust.
That's what I-I figured. Yeah, I-I
thought that was the problem.
So how much is it
gonna cost to fix?
[Sighs] Look, man, can
I be honest with you?
That car is a coffin
on wheels, okay?
I would not let
my mother drive it.
Now, my mother-in-law, I'd give
it to her with a big bow on top.
But guess what
I'm gonna do for you,
I'll scrap it
and give you 500 bucks
towards any of my fine
pre-owned automobiles
in my showroom-slash-sidewalk.
Ah, this is great!
At this rate,
we'll have enough pies to sell
at the swap meet tomorrow.
Ahem.
What are you doing?
[Mumbling] Quality control?
Question, how are we planning
on getting all these pies there?
In my car... oh.
Question, don't worry.Planning
I'll figure something else out.?
Okay? Because the
pie's the limit!
[Knocking]
Oh, hello, Josh.
Are you here to tell me
something else I'm doing wrong?
No.
I'm here to tell you
something I did right.
Oh yes, 'cause that's
super different.
Come here, I have
something to show you.
[Muffled] Hi, Josh.
Finally we're alone.
Schwah!
Sch-what's that?
[Alarm beeps]
It is your brand-new
used car!
- What?
- You're welcome.
Wait, you bought me a car?
Oh, here come the tears.
Why would you buy me a car?
I already have a car.
Not anymore you don't!
I traded it in for that guy.
Wait, what?
Where's my car?
I had 'em scrap it. Who's
excited for power windows?!
Not me! You scrapped my car?!
How could you?
Wait, you're mad at me?
I don't get it. Everybody loves
Oprah when she gives out free cars.
- You had no right to do that.
- [Snickers]
Look, Gabi, there's nothing you can
say that's gonna make me feel bad
about getting you a car and
getting rid of that trash heap.
[Sighs]
That was my mom's car.
She gave it to me as a present
before she died.
Except that.
[Alarm beeps]
- Gabi...
- Stop talking.
Can we please just
not say anything?
I mean how could you
sell my mom's car?!
God, the ego on you! How does
your head even fit in here?
Because it's actually
incredibly roomy for a compact?
I'm sorry, I shouldn't be yelling at
the person who gives me a paycheck
and buys me cars,
but how dare you?!
This is the worst nice thing that
anybody has ever done for me.
I'm serious, I am boiling mad!
That actually might be
the heated seats.
I paid a little extra for them.
You better pray that
my car is still...
- [Sigh of relief]
- Oh, you're still here!
I thought I'd never
see you again.
God, the thought of anyone else
inside you just kills me.
And you're all in one piece.
- More or less.
- Aha, there's the happy couple.
We are not happy or a couple.
Listen, guys, whatever the
problem is, we can fix it.
The customer's always right.
Good. Because I
traded this car in
and bought one of
your newer models which
I need to now trade
back for this one.
Mm-hmm, okay.
Not gonna happen.
No no no. Excuse me.
Sir, I really think
you're gonna want
to change your mind
when you hear how guilty
this man feels about
selling you the car
that my mother gave me,
and how he'll do anything
to get it back,
so just name your price,
he's a millionaire.
Look, I understand you've got
a little situation going on
and I'm no crook, so I'll let you
drive it off the lot for 10,000.
10,000?!
- Fine, sold.
- Wait, seriously?
Gabi, this guy's got us
by the lug nuts.
Someone decided to tell
him I'm a millionaire.
But I want to make this up to you.
So you said 10, right?
- Did I? I meant 20.
- 20?!
Okay, 20.
No, that's crazy.
Josh, you can't do this.
I can and I will.
Okay, 30 and you're out
the door no questions asked.
No, stop.
This is ridiculous.
Sir, you should be
ashamed of yourself.
Me? What about what
he did to you?
Okay? You love this car.
This is your momma's car.
All right? You don't turn
your back on family, girl.
- I think we should go.
- Gabi, please, just let me...
No. Josh, I can't live
with myself if you do this.
Hey, why don't we all just
calm down and go to the bank?
Where have you been?
I was riding a horse
on the beach with taye diggs.
Where the hell
you think I've been?
Well, thank God you're back,
because I have got some dirt.
And I got some cleaning
supplies, so spill!
Guess who bought miss
hanging-by-a-thread a car?
- Miss who got a what?
- Mm-hmm.
Apparently, being a responsible
adult around here gets you nothing.
Turns out the squeaky
wheel does get the oil.
- And a car to put it in.
- Mm-hmm!
Oh, well, look who's back.
How's the new car Josh got you,
that he didn't get anybody else who's
worked here much longer than you?
- I hate it.
- [Gasps]
Quick, Josh, buy her
a bedroom to go stomp into.
Guys, not now.
Well, yesterday you
said you treat her
differently because
her life's a mess.
But I'm starting to think
it's something else.
Now I don't want to play
the race card...
Or the gay card...
Or the age card...
Or the Asian card...
But you're prejudiced!
- Look, guys...
- Sorry, there's nothing you can say
to make us feel bad about the
miss I-get-a-hug-on-demand.
How about that I sold
her late mother's car
and it was the only thing
Gabi had left of her.
Oh.
Come here, honey.
I had no idea.
Why the hell would you
do something like that?
I can't believe I was seriously
thinking about sleeping with you!
So why don't you just buy the car
back for this sweet baby girl?
Oh, but we tried to,
but when Josh told him
he was a millionaire, he just
tried to take advantage of us.
Sounds like you need
someone he's not expecting.
Someone who can pull
the wool over his eyes.
A beautiful streetwise diva.
All right, I'll do it.
Okay, so you pretty much
saw everything,
except for two
cars I got parked
across the street
at the liquor store.
Anything strike your fancy?
Well, as sweet, broke newlyweds
we're just trying to get
the best deal we can get.
That's right. We're just a
couple of crazy heteros in love.
Oh, honey!
That one looks pretty.
Oh no no no, you don't
want that one.
The bumper is a pool noodle.
I find it to be charming.
Oh, this reminds me of the
car I drove in college.
I didn't think cars existed
when you were in college.
[Laughing]
We kid like that.
You know how
newly married couples do.
Hmmm.
So newlyweds, huh?
Where did you two lovebirds
honeymoon?
- Paris.
- Las Vegas.
We went to the
Paris hotel in Vegas.
Okay, I'm gonna go
out on a limb here and
say I don't think
you two are a couple.
We are... a couple
of people who can't
keep their hands
off each other.
[Gasps]
Each touch is like
the first time.
In fact, I think you two are
here on someone else's behalf.
I don't know what
you're talking 'bout.
Well okay, if you two
are so in love,
why don't you
lay a kiss on her?
- What?
- Wha-what... what?
Hmm, one nice kiss...
And the car is all yours.
- Okay, boy.
- Here we go.
You can do this.
Denzel. Denzel.
Denzel.
Gabi's just gonna have
to get over this car!
Thank God!
Hey there, you got a second?
That depends, you
got 30 grand and some
more friends you
want to bring in?
I know, I know. You can't
blame a girl for trying.
Look, I brought you a box
of stuff for the next owner.
Um, this is a list of hills
that she can't make it up.
All right, whoa whoa, what are
you talking about? Next owner?
I've been holding this car
waiting for you to come back.
I know, I know.
But now, you don't have to.
Listen, I'm starting
to think this whole
thing is really just
a sign from my mom.
She's telling me that
it's time to let the car go.
Why are you listening
to your momma?!
You're a grown woman.
Yes, I know, but I think
it's time to...
Move on. So, will you please
just let the next owner know...
[Loudly] That the parking brake
sticks and you have to kick it!
Sweetie, how about this?
Let's take one more look
- before you make this rash decision.
- No no no!
I can't, I can't!
Ahem.
No, I can't. I can't
look at that great car
with the steering wheel that
locks unless you jiggle it.
But you have to be careful
because the horn works.
You are hysterical. Do you
need me to call somebody?
No, it's just all the memories.
You know, it was just...
It was such a great car.
And I really don't know
how I'm ever gonna...
How I'm ever gonna move on.
[Fake sobs]
But I will.
Thank you.
Hmm, I got her
right where I want her.
Oh, I don't know
whether to be terrified
or excited at how well
you guys just pulled that off!
Whoo! If this wasn't a
felony, I'd do it every day.
Uh, now might be
a bad time to ask,
but does anyone else in this car
have two strikes against them?
Oh, this spring
is very into asians.
[Laughs] Wait 'til it
goes over a pothole.
Oh oh oh!
- Oh, you are so right.
- [Claps]
Man, I'm so amped!
I feel like there's electricity
coursing through my veins.
Ah, well, there might be. There's
a loose wire in the dash.
- Yeah.
- [Engine banging, sputtering]
- Uh-oh.
- Uh, Gabi?
What do we do
when your car does this?
Get the hell out and run.
Are you putting on lipstick?!
You're damn right.
Where there's smoke,
there's firemen.
I would like to thank
you all for coming
to help me say goodbye
to my beloved car.
I'm grateful for all the years
that we had together,
and that we all made it out alive
before she went up in a ball of fire.
But she sure looked pretty
all lit up like that.
So if you have any memories you would
like to share, now would be the time.
I remember how you
pretended the rusted hole
in your ceiling was a sunroof.
I remember when
that homeless guy
at the off-ramp
gave us money.
I remember the time I was
bored at a car funeral.
Sorry for your loss!
Here, I made this for you.
It's your window crank. I
turned it into an egg beater.
Oh, cute.
And here's the hula girl you
used to keep on your dashboard.
I swiped it before
everything caught fire.
You guys all know
that that car was
the last connection
that I had to my mom
and that's why I had such a
hard time letting her go.
But I look around this room and I
start to realize what I do have:
Somebody who will hold my
hand whenever I need it;
somebody who will keep
me safe no matter what;
a confidante who
always has my back;
and somebody who tells
you like it is,
no matter how much you
don't want to hear it.
I think this is going on
a little long.
You guys know that nothing
could ever replace my mom,
but I'm starting
to think that...
She gave me four people that
come pretty damn close.
[Sniffles]
Elliot, are you crying?
No, it's just allergies.
I'm allergic to squalor.
Now, we have the traditional
car funeral food...
Lots and lots of lemon pie.
One for you, one for you.
Girl, hand me a fork.
Elliot, you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Okay.
It's just...
What's the matter?
Nothing.
Hey, you can tell me.
The HD-TV
my dad gave me as a child
stopped working last night.
And now it's gone.
All 60 inches.
[Gasps]
Is that an electronics
catalogue right there?
Elliot!
Free shipping!
When you buy surround sound.
It's a sign!
Not falling for it.
Sorry!
[Sniffs]
Ah, get a whiff of that.
My car still has that
new duct tape smell.
Oh!
And a spring in the seat
that is very into latinas.
Okay, one more pothole
and I'm going to have to bring
you home to meet my parents.
God, this is so much better
than public transportation.
I don't know why you never
want to drive with me.
Uh, because I don't trust a car
that's 40% stolen office supplies.
Hmm.
- Is something burning?
- [Sniffing]
Oh yeah, but that's rubber,
not gas, so we're fine.
[Coughs] No no no, seriously,
I need... I need air.
- [Cracks]
- Oh!
Oh, don't worry about it.
That broke a while ago.
[Chuckles] Here,
just use one of these.
[Grunts]
[Gasping]
Here, let me turn on the vents.
[Coughs]
No no, turn it off!
Turn it off!
It's okay, it's just
some leaves or...
[Spits] Raccoon fur.
[Hacks]
- [Squealing]
- Uh-oh.
That didn't sound good.
No, it's fine.
I can fix it.
- [Radio playing pop music]
- [Groans]
[Laughs] See? Now you
can't hear anything.
[Backfires]
[Engine sputters, dies]
That's new.
It's all right,
we're still moving, so...
Yeah, well, that's because
we're going downhill.
Okay, and a little too fast. Now
would be a good time to pull over!
Yeah, totally would,
if the brakes worked!
[Screaming]
[Theme music playing]
Well, my shoe broke.
Your car broke.
And they're worth
about the same!
I get it! You think my
car's a piece of crap.
I wish your car was
a piece of crap.
To quote the mechanic, it is
a "tragedy with seat belts."
I say this with love, Gabi,
I think it's time
to crush it into a cube.
What do you see in this photo?
You not pulling off cornrows.
[Shudders]
I meant this one.
I know, it's the day your mom
gave you her car
for your 16th birthday.
Yeah.
And that car was the last thing
she gave me before she died.
I know, I'm sorry.
I know how much
it means to you.
"To my sweet baby girl,"
two rules:
Treat her well
"and don't ever have sex
in the backseat."
Well, you followed
the first one.
It's just every time
I sit in that car,
I feel like she's still sitting next
to me, yelling "Brake! Brake! Brake!"
Gabi, the car is 30 years old.
I think it's time to let her go.
- What?! Never!
- It's not safe.
If you keep driving it
you're gonna see your mom
a lot sooner than you think.
I realize how bad that sounds.
I'm just worried about you.
That's fine.
I'm gonna get her fixed.
Well, I hate to be
a buzzkill Betty,
but how are you gonna
afford to fix that?
The way my mom taught me,
by baking.
She said "when life gives you
lemons, you just make lemon pie."
I feel like we may need
to make like 100.
Well, this would be
the first time your pie
would be getting
us out of trouble.
Gabi is almost an hour late.
Josh is gonna be mad.
This is going to be good.
Guys, where's Gabi?
I'm starving.
Gabi's in the other room!
Yeah, a room that's
not in this house.
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
My car died and I was going to
text you but my phone died too.
Oh my God, Gabi.
Uh-oh, here we go.
Does someone need a hug?
Yes, that would be lovely.
Thank you.
What the hell?
He never hugs me.
And I offer daily.
Do you think it's
because they slept together?
No!
Damn it, 'cause I was
going to try that.
Uh, Josh, I don't mean
to nitpick,
but last week, when I was late,
I didn't get a hug.
I think we all feel
under-hugged.
Guys, come on, you don't
need special treatment.
You're responsible adults.
Your lives are under control.
[Whispers] This one's
hanging on by a thread.
No, I'm not!
I... I had a little bit
of car trouble,
which involved jumping out
of it to save my life.
And then I was going to call you but
then the trolley ran over my phone.
Don't worry, I found a way
to pay for the repairs,
which involves baking and
selling pies at the swap meet.
Now does that sound like somebody
who's hanging on by a thread?
I'm sorry, you're right,
she's a train wreck.
I'm sorry too.
So, Gabi, why don't you
give me the mechanic's number
and let me take
care of this for you?
Oh... no no, thank you.
This thread-hanger-onner
has it under control.
Hey, you know I didn't
mean anything by that.
I'm just looking
out for you.
Give me the
mechanic's number and
I'll make sure he's not
ripping you off.
Oh, trust me, I did
my research and
this is the perfect
mechanic to fix my car.
Really?
And how did you decide that?
Well, he was the closest one that
Sofia and I could push it to.
- Hey there.
- Hey.
Did a small blonde girl drop off
a rusty Toyota tercel in here?
Ooh, I wouldn't forget
a piece like that.
Excuse me?
That car, man.
What a piece of junk.
I told blondie she is gonna
take a lot of work, man.
[Chuckles] Oh, I bet you did.
Guess what? Now you're
dealing with this guy.
So why don't you break it
down to me, man to man?
Okay, the timing belt snapped, sent
the valves through the pistons,
the transmission bands are shot, and
the camshaft bearings are dust.
That's what I-I figured. Yeah, I-I
thought that was the problem.
So how much is it
gonna cost to fix?
[Sighs] Look, man, can
I be honest with you?
That car is a coffin
on wheels, okay?
I would not let
my mother drive it.
Now, my mother-in-law, I'd give
it to her with a big bow on top.
But guess what
I'm gonna do for you,
I'll scrap it
and give you 500 bucks
towards any of my fine
pre-owned automobiles
in my showroom-slash-sidewalk.
Ah, this is great!
At this rate,
we'll have enough pies to sell
at the swap meet tomorrow.
Ahem.
What are you doing?
[Mumbling] Quality control?
Question, how are we planning
on getting all these pies there?
In my car... oh.
Question, don't worry.Planning
I'll figure something else out.?
Okay? Because the
pie's the limit!
[Knocking]
Oh, hello, Josh.
Are you here to tell me
something else I'm doing wrong?
No.
I'm here to tell you
something I did right.
Oh yes, 'cause that's
super different.
Come here, I have
something to show you.
[Muffled] Hi, Josh.
Finally we're alone.
Schwah!
Sch-what's that?
[Alarm beeps]
It is your brand-new
used car!
- What?
- You're welcome.
Wait, you bought me a car?
Oh, here come the tears.
Why would you buy me a car?
I already have a car.
Not anymore you don't!
I traded it in for that guy.
Wait, what?
Where's my car?
I had 'em scrap it. Who's
excited for power windows?!
Not me! You scrapped my car?!
How could you?
Wait, you're mad at me?
I don't get it. Everybody loves
Oprah when she gives out free cars.
- You had no right to do that.
- [Snickers]
Look, Gabi, there's nothing you can
say that's gonna make me feel bad
about getting you a car and
getting rid of that trash heap.
[Sighs]
That was my mom's car.
She gave it to me as a present
before she died.
Except that.
[Alarm beeps]
- Gabi...
- Stop talking.
Can we please just
not say anything?
I mean how could you
sell my mom's car?!
God, the ego on you! How does
your head even fit in here?
Because it's actually
incredibly roomy for a compact?
I'm sorry, I shouldn't be yelling at
the person who gives me a paycheck
and buys me cars,
but how dare you?!
This is the worst nice thing that
anybody has ever done for me.
I'm serious, I am boiling mad!
That actually might be
the heated seats.
I paid a little extra for them.
You better pray that
my car is still...
- [Sigh of relief]
- Oh, you're still here!
I thought I'd never
see you again.
God, the thought of anyone else
inside you just kills me.
And you're all in one piece.
- More or less.
- Aha, there's the happy couple.
We are not happy or a couple.
Listen, guys, whatever the
problem is, we can fix it.
The customer's always right.
Good. Because I
traded this car in
and bought one of
your newer models which
I need to now trade
back for this one.
Mm-hmm, okay.
Not gonna happen.
No no no. Excuse me.
Sir, I really think
you're gonna want
to change your mind
when you hear how guilty
this man feels about
selling you the car
that my mother gave me,
and how he'll do anything
to get it back,
so just name your price,
he's a millionaire.
Look, I understand you've got
a little situation going on
and I'm no crook, so I'll let you
drive it off the lot for 10,000.
10,000?!
- Fine, sold.
- Wait, seriously?
Gabi, this guy's got us
by the lug nuts.
Someone decided to tell
him I'm a millionaire.
But I want to make this up to you.
So you said 10, right?
- Did I? I meant 20.
- 20?!
Okay, 20.
No, that's crazy.
Josh, you can't do this.
I can and I will.
Okay, 30 and you're out
the door no questions asked.
No, stop.
This is ridiculous.
Sir, you should be
ashamed of yourself.
Me? What about what
he did to you?
Okay? You love this car.
This is your momma's car.
All right? You don't turn
your back on family, girl.
- I think we should go.
- Gabi, please, just let me...
No. Josh, I can't live
with myself if you do this.
Hey, why don't we all just
calm down and go to the bank?
Where have you been?
I was riding a horse
on the beach with taye diggs.
Where the hell
you think I've been?
Well, thank God you're back,
because I have got some dirt.
And I got some cleaning
supplies, so spill!
Guess who bought miss
hanging-by-a-thread a car?
- Miss who got a what?
- Mm-hmm.
Apparently, being a responsible
adult around here gets you nothing.
Turns out the squeaky
wheel does get the oil.
- And a car to put it in.
- Mm-hmm!
Oh, well, look who's back.
How's the new car Josh got you,
that he didn't get anybody else who's
worked here much longer than you?
- I hate it.
- [Gasps]
Quick, Josh, buy her
a bedroom to go stomp into.
Guys, not now.
Well, yesterday you
said you treat her
differently because
her life's a mess.
But I'm starting to think
it's something else.
Now I don't want to play
the race card...
Or the gay card...
Or the age card...
Or the Asian card...
But you're prejudiced!
- Look, guys...
- Sorry, there's nothing you can say
to make us feel bad about the
miss I-get-a-hug-on-demand.
How about that I sold
her late mother's car
and it was the only thing
Gabi had left of her.
Oh.
Come here, honey.
I had no idea.
Why the hell would you
do something like that?
I can't believe I was seriously
thinking about sleeping with you!
So why don't you just buy the car
back for this sweet baby girl?
Oh, but we tried to,
but when Josh told him
he was a millionaire, he just
tried to take advantage of us.
Sounds like you need
someone he's not expecting.
Someone who can pull
the wool over his eyes.
A beautiful streetwise diva.
All right, I'll do it.
Okay, so you pretty much
saw everything,
except for two
cars I got parked
across the street
at the liquor store.
Anything strike your fancy?
Well, as sweet, broke newlyweds
we're just trying to get
the best deal we can get.
That's right. We're just a
couple of crazy heteros in love.
Oh, honey!
That one looks pretty.
Oh no no no, you don't
want that one.
The bumper is a pool noodle.
I find it to be charming.
Oh, this reminds me of the
car I drove in college.
I didn't think cars existed
when you were in college.
[Laughing]
We kid like that.
You know how
newly married couples do.
Hmmm.
So newlyweds, huh?
Where did you two lovebirds
honeymoon?
- Paris.
- Las Vegas.
We went to the
Paris hotel in Vegas.
Okay, I'm gonna go
out on a limb here and
say I don't think
you two are a couple.
We are... a couple
of people who can't
keep their hands
off each other.
[Gasps]
Each touch is like
the first time.
In fact, I think you two are
here on someone else's behalf.
I don't know what
you're talking 'bout.
Well okay, if you two
are so in love,
why don't you
lay a kiss on her?
- What?
- Wha-what... what?
Hmm, one nice kiss...
And the car is all yours.
- Okay, boy.
- Here we go.
You can do this.
Denzel. Denzel.
Denzel.
Gabi's just gonna have
to get over this car!
Thank God!
Hey there, you got a second?
That depends, you
got 30 grand and some
more friends you
want to bring in?
I know, I know. You can't
blame a girl for trying.
Look, I brought you a box
of stuff for the next owner.
Um, this is a list of hills
that she can't make it up.
All right, whoa whoa, what are
you talking about? Next owner?
I've been holding this car
waiting for you to come back.
I know, I know.
But now, you don't have to.
Listen, I'm starting
to think this whole
thing is really just
a sign from my mom.
She's telling me that
it's time to let the car go.
Why are you listening
to your momma?!
You're a grown woman.
Yes, I know, but I think
it's time to...
Move on. So, will you please
just let the next owner know...
[Loudly] That the parking brake
sticks and you have to kick it!
Sweetie, how about this?
Let's take one more look
- before you make this rash decision.
- No no no!
I can't, I can't!
Ahem.
No, I can't. I can't
look at that great car
with the steering wheel that
locks unless you jiggle it.
But you have to be careful
because the horn works.
You are hysterical. Do you
need me to call somebody?
No, it's just all the memories.
You know, it was just...
It was such a great car.
And I really don't know
how I'm ever gonna...
How I'm ever gonna move on.
[Fake sobs]
But I will.
Thank you.
Hmm, I got her
right where I want her.
Oh, I don't know
whether to be terrified
or excited at how well
you guys just pulled that off!
Whoo! If this wasn't a
felony, I'd do it every day.
Uh, now might be
a bad time to ask,
but does anyone else in this car
have two strikes against them?
Oh, this spring
is very into asians.
[Laughs] Wait 'til it
goes over a pothole.
Oh oh oh!
- Oh, you are so right.
- [Claps]
Man, I'm so amped!
I feel like there's electricity
coursing through my veins.
Ah, well, there might be. There's
a loose wire in the dash.
- Yeah.
- [Engine banging, sputtering]
- Uh-oh.
- Uh, Gabi?
What do we do
when your car does this?
Get the hell out and run.
Are you putting on lipstick?!
You're damn right.
Where there's smoke,
there's firemen.
I would like to thank
you all for coming
to help me say goodbye
to my beloved car.
I'm grateful for all the years
that we had together,
and that we all made it out alive
before she went up in a ball of fire.
But she sure looked pretty
all lit up like that.
So if you have any memories you would
like to share, now would be the time.
I remember how you
pretended the rusted hole
in your ceiling was a sunroof.
I remember when
that homeless guy
at the off-ramp
gave us money.
I remember the time I was
bored at a car funeral.
Sorry for your loss!
Here, I made this for you.
It's your window crank. I
turned it into an egg beater.
Oh, cute.
And here's the hula girl you
used to keep on your dashboard.
I swiped it before
everything caught fire.
You guys all know
that that car was
the last connection
that I had to my mom
and that's why I had such a
hard time letting her go.
But I look around this room and I
start to realize what I do have:
Somebody who will hold my
hand whenever I need it;
somebody who will keep
me safe no matter what;
a confidante who
always has my back;
and somebody who tells
you like it is,
no matter how much you
don't want to hear it.
I think this is going on
a little long.
You guys know that nothing
could ever replace my mom,
but I'm starting
to think that...
She gave me four people that
come pretty damn close.
[Sniffles]
Elliot, are you crying?
No, it's just allergies.
I'm allergic to squalor.
Now, we have the traditional
car funeral food...
Lots and lots of lemon pie.
One for you, one for you.
Girl, hand me a fork.
Elliot, you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Okay.
It's just...
What's the matter?
Nothing.
Hey, you can tell me.
The HD-TV
my dad gave me as a child
stopped working last night.
And now it's gone.
All 60 inches.
[Gasps]
Is that an electronics
catalogue right there?
Elliot!
Free shipping!
When you buy surround sound.
It's a sign!
Not falling for it.
Sorry!