Young & Hungry (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Young & Secret - full transcript

Young & Secret
Young & Hungry (720p) S01E07 [KoTuWa]

We're gonna be working
from the home office
for a while.

Yeah, it sucks.

Panoramic view,
fiber-optic wi-fi,

Cheeseburgers
on pretzel bread.

That's it, I quit.

Cooper, wait until you try
gabi's waffle fries.

With my special,
secret-recipe ketchup.

Ooh, what's the secret?

( whispers )
bought it at the store.

Here, why don't you--
why don't you try some?

Oh, no!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Why don't you come
to the laundry room with me
and I'll help you get it out.

Gabi, I don't even
care about this shirt.

I found it in a dumpster--

( chuckles )
oh, I see what you're doing.

Quick, spill some
on my pants.

Ooh, I see
what you're doing.

( giggles )

You know what,
I feel really bad

About sneaking behind
josh's back...

But it's also
kind of hot.

It's fascinating
that your criminal tendencies

Bring on arousal.

Wow, look at you
with the sexy talk.

Okay, let's get out of here
before josh gets suspicious.

Oh, whoa,
what about the stain?

You do that and we'll
never get out of here.

( theme music playing )

I think I'm going to like
this juice fast.

All these colorful bottles--

It's like
a rainbow of health.

Screw health,

There better be a skinny yolanda

At the end of this rainbow.

This one's called "morning
madness."

I wonder why.

Oh, I see why.

( laughing )

Uh-oh.

- Hey, elliot, where you going?
- Talk later!

So I'll see you
tonight at my place?

- Yeah.
- Why are you going to gabi's?

- Ah!
- Josh!

Wait, you two
aren't--

Dating? No!

We would never go out
behind your back.

That would be deceitful.

I don't even find her attractive
anymore.

I mean, you know,
no, thanks!

Pass!

We get it.

So why are
you going to
her place?

( scoffs ) well, he's coming
to see, um...

Sofia.

You're
dating sofia?

Go, coop!

Yeah! Yeah, who knew.

And you're okay
with this, gabi?

Of course.

Without me, their entire

Relationship would not exist.

I mean, I introduced them
a couple of weeks ago

And they just--
they hit it off like crazy.

Yeah, this whole thing is crazy.

Why didn't you guys
just tell me?

It was new.

So, so new.

Well, how about tomorrow night

Caroline and I
take you and sofia to dinner?

- Um...
- Um...

Or I could cook
for you guys here

So I can keep
an eye on things,

Like-- like the dinner.

Yeah, cool.
Just something simple.

Of course, josh.

Wouldn't want to cook up
anything too complicated.

Radio dj:
And the phone lines are open.

Oh, come on.
Mama needs a new pair
of tickets.

Please, please, please.

You're our ninth caller!
You just won tickets

To the sold-out lorde concert.

Are you sure sofia's
going to be okay with this?

Oh, yeah.
Don't worry about it.

You suck, jose from stockton.
I hate you!

Okay, maybe worry
a little bit.

I was talking
to the radio.

I have been trying to win
lorde tickets all day.

Oh... Well, you know
what's going to make you
feel better?

Me making you
an amazing dinner
tomorrow night.

What'd you do?

( sighs )
why is it every time
I try and do something nice

You think it's 'cause
I did something bad?

Well, did you?

I did.

Is it gonna ruin
my night, my week or my life?

( chuckles )
you're so funny...

No wonder cooper wants
to take you on a date
with josh and caroline.

What?

Look, josh almost caught
me and cooper together,

And I covered and I said
he was going out with you.

At first I thought
it was a bad idea,

But now that I hear it,

It's horrendous.

- It's gonna be fun.
- Hm...

In an uncomfortable way.

Well, no, it's not gonna be
uncomfortable at all...

See, I told you
she'd be fine with it.

...'cause I'm not going.

No, you have to.

What's the word
I'm looking for? No.

But I'm making
your favorite hors d'oeuvres.

That you're gonna break up
with cooper at dinner.

Oh. No.

Okay, I'm just gonna
keep asking

Until you say yes,
all right?

( spanish accent )
I'm going to ask in
a spanish accent.

( baby voice )
I'm going to ask
like a little baby.

( robot voice )
I'm going to ask
like a robot.

Okay, okay.

I will do it,

But I'm not gonna
be happy about it.

Oh, see?
Cooper won't either.

You guys have so much
in common already.

Oh my damn.
( sniffing )

What the hell is that smell?

Oh, it's stuffed mushrooms
with garlic, eggplant

She was being
rhetorical, bitch!

Sorry, day two
of our juice cleanse.

I just need one sniff.

Oh, yeah, that's
what I'm talking about.

Oh, let me
get in there.

Oh, that's good stuff.

- Yeah.
- Real good stuff.

Put that down!

Just one more sniff.
I can stop anytime I want.

Oh, no,
this is breaking bad.

Oh, juju,
this is so much fun.

How much longer?

They're right there.

I know.

How much longer?

( gabi chuckles )

Aren't these two
so cute together?

The way they keep
scooting towards each other.

( nervous laugh )

So, did sofia tell you

That she got
promoted at work?

You did?
Congratulations...

Again.

I know that she got promoted
because we're dating.

Good for you, sofia.

Yeah, it only took two years
for my meteoric rise

I now work for garber
of garber, stukenbaker,
and rizz.

- Winston garber?
- Yeah.

- That's my godfather.
- No way!

Though, I call him
"dickie donut."

You call mr. Garber,
"dickie donut"?

Well, the only nickname
I get to call him is "sir."

Why do you call him that?

Well, you know that limerick,

"there once was a man
from nantucket"?

That's dickie.
But with a donut.

( laughing )

( boisterous laughing )

I just can't get over
how great you two are together.

Well, who wouldn't want to be
with this caramel-coated angel?

( laughs )

Wow, that was...
A little bit racist

But flattering
at the same time.

You are amazing.

( gasps )
thank you for getting me.

So sorry to interrupt,

But can I borrow
my caramel-coated friend
for a minute?

When I grow up
I want to be caroline!

Yeah, yeah.
She's tall.

Um, listen, I just want
to go over the break-up plan
really quick.

Okay, you're gonna
text me,

I'm gonna pretend
it's from my ex-boyfriend,

Cooper will get mad,
we'll fight, break up,

And then hopefully
caroline and I will
stay friends.

Okay.

So josh and I can't agree

On what singer to hire
for the wedding.

He wants harry connick jr.
I want john legend.

( laughs )
why don't you
just get lorde?

Well, she's a guest
and I'd hate to ask her to sing.

( giggling )

You know lorde?!

Sofia loves lorde.

I know this 'cause
we're dating.

I have been trying to win
lorde tickets all week.

Really?

Well, I can get us tickets...

And backstage passes.

- We can go together.
- Really?

- ( cell phone chimes )
- oh.

Uh, is that your ex-boyfriend
texting you again?

Nope.

So tell me about lorde.

Oh, angry baking I see.

Oh, so you're gonna be
able to sleep

After betraying
your best friend?

Okay, someone's a little mad.

You were supposed to break up
with cooper at dinner,

Not make plans
for another date.

It's not a date, okay?

We're just driving
with another couple
to see a concert

And then go to dinner.

Actually, that does sound
like a date.

You strayed very far
from the plan.

Yeah, a plan that you
just assumed that I would
go along with,

Like I do all your plans.

You know what?
You take me for granted.

( scoffs )
I do not take you for granted.

You agreed to the plan
and then you went rogue.

For lorde!

Well, you know what?
No, I forbid you to go.

Forbid me?

Well, nobody forbids
sofia maria consuela
rafaella rodriguez!

Not only am I going
to the concert,

I am out of here.

( door slams )

Fine!

Now it's time
for some angry eating.

( sadly )
oh, that's so good.

Good morning, gabi.

Oh, hey, josh.

You okay?

Not really.

Sofia didn't come home
last night

And I have no idea
where she is.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

She's, uh, right there.
I'll be in my office.

Sofia?

Oh, hi, gabi.

You spent the night here?

Sure did.
Caroline invited me.

Sofia sit down
and have some breakfast.

Um, could we get
two coffees?

( chuckles )
here you go.

( whispers )
what's going on?

Oh, no need
to whisper.

Sofia told me everything.

"everything" everything?

Yes, she called me
last night

And could tell
that I was very upset,

So I told her why--

Cooper and I broke up.

( sighs )
thank god.

I mean, I'm so sorry
for you.

It is sad,
but I made her feel better.

We're still going
to see lorde.

Oh, caroline,
you're the best.

A good, good friend.

You've been friends
for three hours!

Oh my god.

That's the longest friendship
I've ever had.

Whoo, this cleanse
is cleansing me out
of my will to live.

I'm so hungry,
I'd slap your mamma
for some caramel corn.

Well, why don't you
complain about it some more,

You whiny hag!

I'm sorry.

I feel like
in the final round
of the hunger games.

Why'd we go
on this damn thing anyway?

My ex-husband
just got engaged...

To a 28-year-old...

Who's, you know,
28 years old.

Which means I've got to get back
into my fighting weight...

In case I got
to fight her.

So-- so why did you
go on this diet?

If I tell you,
you'll laugh.

Just cough it up!

Sorry, low blood sugar.

Some guys I used to
work with back in the '80s

Are visiting
and I just want
to look my best.

Oh, why would
I laugh at that?

Because we were
exotic dancers

Called "the boy toys
of illinois."

Oh, I gotta see this.

- ( pop music playing )
- ( women cheering )

( whip cracks )

( laughing )

I got-- I got--

I'm laughing so hard,
I'm burning all kinds
of calories.

Gabi, I'm not
really in the mood
to make out.

Everything is
so messed up.

Don't worry,
I have a plan.

Okay, I'm really good
at pattern recognition,

And every time you say
you have a plan,

Something bad happens.

No no, it'll fix
this whole mess sofia made.

Gabi, this isn't
sofia's fault.

If you hadn't told her
to lie in the first place,

None of this
would have ever happened.

Well, excuse me
for really, really liking you

And doing everything I can
so that we can be together.

It's just that all
of this lying

And deception is really making
my shingles flare up.

And they've been dormant
a very long time.

Well, how else are we
supposed to see each other

Without losing
our jobs?

Gabi, you're adorable

And so much fun
to be around,

But I just don't know if I'm up
for the non-stop adventure

That comes with being
your boyfriend.

I hope we can
be friends.

Yeah, me too...

Or that you die in a fire--
I mean, me too.

For lunch today,
I made a chinese chicken salad

With radicchio,
fresh orange slices,
and crispy wontons.

Enjoy.
( whimpering )

Well, just leave one.
Cooper left early.

He's really bummed out
about the breakup with sofia.

( crying )

Whoa.

You're taking this
pretty hard.

Uh, yeah, they were
just a really great couple.

I was really rooting
for them.

Oh, me too.

And they weren't
really dating,

I was the one
who was dating cooper.

Wait. What?

What are you talking about?

What about dinner
with sofia?

It was fake.
I made her go.

In my defense,
I had a whole plan.

So I wouldn't find out.

Look, this only happened
because of your stupid rule

About not dating
anybody that you work with.

I had no choice.

You could have...
Not dated him.

You know, gabi,
I gotta be honest,

I'm less than thrilled
with you right now.

Listen, I know
I probably deserve
to be yelled at,

Can you just not be my boss
right now and just be my friend?

'cause I really need one.

Of course.

( sighs )
I'm just really upset.

I feel like I lost
the best relationship
I ever had.

Come on, has it even
been a week?

No, I'm not talking
about cooper.

I'm talking about sofia.

Oh.

She's been my best friend
since seventh grade,

And now I feel like caroline's
gonna take her away from me.

I wouldn't worry
about caroline.

She tires of her friends
pretty quickly.

I don't even learn
their names anymore.

Well, she won't
ditch sofia.

She's a keeper.

And so are you.

Look, we're all going
to lorde tonight,

So why don't you grab
cooper's extra ticket

And you and sofia
can maybe work things out.

This is a really
special night for her,
and if I go,

It'll just ruin
the whole thing.

Do you want me
to say something?

No, please don't
say anything.

Promise me you won't
say anything.

Okay.

And one last thing...

- Are cooper and I fired?
- No.

Then can I go home early?
I've had a really hard day.

Go.

And can I take
this extra salad?

'cause I already tossed it
with the dressing and--

Go!

Wow.
( chuckles )

Last time I was in a limo
was for my prom.

F.Y.I., if somebody
pukes in here--

Security deposit?
Gone.

To new best friends.

Oh.

And old ones.

But more new.
( laughs )

You're being
kind of quiet.

( tersely )
get in the party mood.

Sofia, can you take
a photo of us?

Sure.

- ( sighs ) um...
- ( phone chimes )

Oh, josh, you just got
a text from gabi.

"remember, don't tell sofia
that cooper broke up with me.

Hope she's having fun."

Cooper broke up with her?

You didn't hear it
from me,

But... Yes.

Oh my god.

- Okay, stop the limo.
- Wait, what's going on?

Okay, uh...

I wasn't really dating cooper.

I was only pretending to
for gabi so that cooper

And gabi wouldn't
get in trouble with josh.

( gasps )

So you lied to me?

This whole thing was
just a sick charade so--

So you could see lorde.

( chuckles )
I had no idea you could
be so devious.

I didn't think
I could love you more!

- Oh!
- ( laughing )

Okay, I love you, too.

I gotta go.

( exhales )

Limo sex?

- Is there any other kind?
- Get over here.

( giggling )

Okay, I peed three times.

I'm ready
for the moment of truth.

But first my watch.

( sharp inhale )

Yes, I lost 30 pounds.

What?!

30 pounds?!
Let me on there.

( shrieks )
I lost 35.

In three days,
is that even possible?

Okay,
I have a confession.

I wanted you to feel
good about yourself

In front of your exotic
dancer friends.

So I cheated
the scale back 15 pounds.

But that still means
that you lost 15 and I lost 20.

Uh, not really,

Because I also wanted you
to feel good about yourself,

So I cheated
it back 15 pounds.

So I only lost 5 pounds?

Better than me,

I didn't lose anything...

Except my self-confidence.

( doorbell rings )

Oh, no.
It's "the boy toys."

I'm gonna tell them
that elliot died

In a pole dancing accident
and that I'm dwayne,

His chubby
twin brother.

No no no,
you have nothing
to be ashamed of.

Now you open that door
and you be proud

Of the body god gave you.

Elliot?

Wow, you look great.

Thank you!

So do you.

Not as good as me.

And please tell me
that fine lady standing
next to you

Well, as long as it comes
with a side of buffalo wings

And a pizza...

I'm in.

Hey-yy!

Gabi?

Sofia, what are
you doing here?

Well, I couldn't go
to the concert

After I heard
about you and cooper.

Are you okay?

You gave up seeing lorde?

That doesn't matter,
what matters is--

No no no,
what matters is you,

And that I hate my life
without you.

I am so sorry
I took you for granted,

And it'll never
happen again.

"I will never take
you for grant."

Yeah, I ran out
of frosting.

Listen, I love you
and I'm really sorry.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I got so excited
about the concert

That I didn't
stick to the plan.

And I got so excited
about my plan,

I didn't stick
to my girl.

( spanish accent )
so I'm going to apologize
in a spanish accent, okay?

( baby voice )
and I'm gonna apologize
like a little baby.

( robot voice )
and I'm going to apologize
like a robot.

Okay, okay,
I forgive you.

So, uh...

Why don't you grab the cake,

I got the wine,

We turn on the notebook,

And let's get you
over cooper.

Eh, who needs cooper when I have
the best friend ever?

Here you go.

- ( sighs )
- ( muffled ) oh my god.

( muffled )
oh, I'm so good at my job.

I can't believe
you invited caroline
over here.

I can't believe
she said, "yes."

She probably just wants
the blood of young girls

For her face cream
or something.

Will you relax?
We're just having lunch.

Hmm, that's what
hannibal lecter said.

( knocking )

She's here! Ah!

- Hi!
- Hi!

No.

No no
no no no.

( scoffs )
oh no.

( door closes )

Thought she'd never leave.