Young & Hungry (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Young & Lesbian - full transcript

Elliot, stop giving me your "you're
totally gonna mess up" stare.

You stop making your "I'm
totally gonna mess up" face.

Do you know how important this is?
Logan Rawlings is comming to dinner.

We are talking about the editor of...

- San Francisco Monthly...
- San Francisco Monthly,

she decides who will be on
the "Thirty Under Thirty" list.

We know, Elliot, you talk more about this,

than about your dreamday
with Anderson Cooper.

And if Josh doesn't get on
the list, he'll be devastated!

He's twenty-nine, this is his last shot.

Imagine the pressure he's under.

Elliot, why don't you be a
little less crouching tiger,

and a little more hidden dragon?

What's going on?

Hey, Josh, everything's under control.

Okay, good. Because do you
know how important this is?

- Logan Rawlings...
- We know! We know!

Do you also know how devastated Elliot
will be if I don't get on this list?

I'm twenty-nine, he's my
publicist. This is his last shot.

Can you imagine the pressure he's under?

Yeah, I live paycheck to paycheck.

I know a thing or two about pressure.

Will you let her finish cooking?

She's here!

Hi, I'm Logan. And I'm not in
the mood to explain my tattoos.

I'm Yolanda. And I'm not in
the mood to show you mine.

Elliot Park. An honor to meet San
Francisco's legendary taste-maker.

Aw, I hate kiss-asses.

Almost as much as I love them. Two times.

Wow. Look at this place.

Painting, love. View, love.

Pillow, hate.

That's why they call it a throw pillow.

Can I interest you in
a Cinnamon Toast-Tini

with actual crushed-up Cinnamon Toast?

Doubtful.

Mmmm. I want a recipe, a photo and another.

And here's the man of the hour!

Good evening, Logan.
Welcome to Casa Kaminski.

Cheers.

Wow. Impressive.

Yep. That coulda gone either way.

Glad it went the good way.

You know, I have to say, you're
the most handsome tech guy

I've interviewed for my list.

Oh, well, I have to say,

can you repeat that into my phone
so I can use it as a ringtone?

May I escort you to the terrace?

Oh, what's this?

Oh. Well, you know how at Costco
they have all those free samples?

- I don't.
- Well, they do.

And I call 'em "Stor'd'Oeuvres."

If you take enough of
them, they make a full meal.

And yet when I take
'em, they call security.

Well, I thought in honor of
your "Thirty Under Thirty" list,

I made thirty different perfect
samples of San Francisco cuisine.

Get it?

Yeah, I went to Harvard.

I have a sweatshirt from there.

Your parents must be so proud.

Get out!

So, tell me,

how does a tall, handsome Internet
mogul with great hair get his start?

Oh, the way we all do.

You get shoved into a
locker by a football player.

Oh! Dinner was superb.

That last spoon of Salted
Caramel Creme Brulee

was so rich it should have a Trophy Wife.

Well, I'm sorry you have to skedaddle.

And that I said, "skedaddle".

Why don't I walk you out?

- Nice meeting you.
- Nice to meet you.

So, what do you think of my boy?

Look, I don't
post my list until Friday,

but I wouldn't worry
about it if I were you.

- You wouldn't?
- No. He's not on it.

But... what... you... but... why?!

There's a lot of great candidates.

This is San Francisco.

You're not the only stuck-up
publicist I'm dealing with.

No, no! There's got to
be something I can do.

- Anything!
- Uh, nothing.

I mean, unless you could get me a date.

Oh, believe me, no one knows the pain
of not having Josh more than I do.

But, unfortunately, he's engaged.

- Not Josh.
- Well, I'm flattered, Logan,

- but I'm not really...
- Not you.

That cute little blonde.

Gabi? With the pots and pans?

And the cute dimples and great legs.

Any chance she's single and gay?

Uh, she's definitely single.

And now that I think about it,
she doesn't have a girlfriend.

- You don't say?
- Oh, I say.

I say because it's true.

You put Josh on your
"Thirty Under Thirty" list

and I'll put Gabi on
your "Girl-Under-Girl list.

Deal.

Crushed it! List made.

What's the good news, my man?

Logan found someone in
this room very impressive.

Yes!

Thirty Under Thirty!

I'm gonna go call Caroline
and tell her the good news.

You do that! Go you! Whoo-hoo!

- We have a situation.
- We do?

Josh is not the shoo-in he thinks
he is. The competition is very stiff.

Oh! Why does the competition
always have to be stiff?

- Why can't it be limp and...
- Zip it!

- Sorry!
- Here's the deal.

I made arrangements for you to take
Logan out to drinks and talk Josh up.

Me? Why me?

For reasons I cannot explain,
Logan has taken a liking to you.

Maybe it's your cooking, your style.

Or the fact that you're a
woman and she wants a woman...

...'s point of view.

How cool is that! Okay, I'm in.

For free drinks, I'd even talk you up.

Just don't forget to flatter her.

Oh, you got it.

For Josh, I will charm the pants off her.

That is what I'm hoping.

God, you smell good. What is it?

Oh, it's the September Issue of Vogue.

I just put it on the floor and rollroun it.

A natural blonde and a sense of humor?

You're a dream.

I'm so glad you wanted to go out.

Are you kidding? I'm so flattered.

You're the most successful
woman I've ever been out with.

Look, I hope you're not intimidated by me.

I just want you to be
able to tell me anything.

Let me just start off by
saying Josh is amazing.

I mean, for somebody who's famous for
creating award-winning apps and software,

- he's totally down to...
- Enough about Josh.

earth.

- Okay, can I tell you one more... thing?
- Shhh. Shhh. Shhhhhhh!

My mom used to do this to me
when I talked too much.

I just wanted to change the subject.

Mom never did that.

Um, what exactly did
Elliot tell you about me?

Just that you were
single and I had a chance.

You know what? I could really use a drink.

How about a scotch on the rocks?

Oh! You're just like me.
I love a good hard liquor.

Gabi, my favorite Chef, how's it going?

Elliot, you set me up
on a date with a woman?

- I am not gay!
- I said that about myself for years.

What were you thinking?

Josh wasn't going to get on the list
unless you went on a date with Logan.

She made that very clear.

Why didn't you just tell
me that from the start?

If I'd asked you to go on a
lesbian date, would you have gone?

No!

You gave me no choice then, did you?

Look, you're Josh's last chance.

So be funny, kiss her ass, or any other
body part you feel comfortable with.

Elliot, I hate you so much right now.

The next time I
see you, I'm gonna...

- Hey!
- God, you're cute.

No, I'm not! You
should see me without makeup.

- Arf, arf.
- I bet you're fetching. Get it?

Remember that time where you said
that we could take things slow?

Oh, you don't? I do.

Done. You know what? Listen.
Let's just take sex off the table.

Yes, let's take
it off all the surfaces.

I mean, I think on a first date

- all you really need to do is kiss.
- Talk!

I mean, how else do you
get to know each other

- if you don't kiss...
- talk. I think...

I think talking is
really the way to go here.

You know, with talking... I
wanna know more about you!

You know, like, what makes
you laugh? What makes you cry?

Do you recycle? Have you
been to Washington, DC?

Logan, I can't do this.

I'm really sorry.

I thought we were having fun.

- Don't you find me attractive?
- Yeah, totally. You're beautiful.

And if I were into girls,
right now we would be planning

our fly-fishing honeymoon trip to Montana.

Whoop!

- Wait, you're straight?
- Oh, so straight.

Well, then why did Elliot
tell me that you were...

oh, God, to get Josh on the list.

Yeah. Listen, I didn't
even know this was a date,

until your hand was on my thigh.

Though I probably should've

realized that sooner, considering
there's only women here.

This is one of the most
humiliating moments of my life.

- Oh, man. Logan, I feel terrible.
-It's not your fault. It's my therapist.

My girlfriend just broke up with me
and he told me to get back out there.

As you can see,
it's going really well.

No, no, don't... don't
cry. It's gonna be okay.

We were together for two years, and
then she dumped me out of nowhere.

And she won't answer my calls or my texts,

and she won't even pick up her stuff.

How much stuff are we talkin'?

A lot. Not to mention her cat.

She left her cat? You wanna know why?

Because it has one eye and wears a diaper?

No. Because she wants
a reason to come back.

- She does?
- Yeah, she left a door open.

A little kitty door.

I'm gonna push her through it.

How are you going to do that?

You're going on a date with a lesbian?

Well, technically, I've already
been on a date with a lesbian.

This would be the second.

We just did drinks, and now
we're moving on to dinner.

Oh, you must really like her.

Ha-ha. This time we're just doing it so
we can make Logan's ex-girlfriend jealous

so she can get her back,
in exchange for Josh getting

on her "Thirty Under Thirty" list.

Wow. I went to work today,
made Hazelnut coffee,

a couple phone calls, had
my boss's shoes resoled.

You went to work and had two
lesbian dates with Logan Rawlings,

the editor of San Francisco Monthly.

How crazy and glamorous is your life?

I know. Oh, and make
sure you don't eat anything,

because I know we're gonna
go someplace really fancy

and I'll bring you back a nice entree.

- Ooh, and an overpriced dessert?
- Duh.

Okay. Now, do I look hot?

If you were somebody's ex-girlfriend and
you saw her walk in with me wearing this,

- would you wanna get her back?
- Mmm, depends.

Why did we break up? Have we
really worked through our issues?

Has she changed? Because I
don't want to end up with her

in the same place a year from now.

- Tell me I look hot!
- You look hot. I won't wait up.

I can't believe your ex
works at Judy Green's restaurant.

She's like the coolest
Chef in San Francisco.

I've been dying to come here.

My ex is Judy Green.

What?! You got dumped by Judy Green?

That is so cool!

My usual table.

Um, you're paying, right? I
could never afford to eat here.

I know. I saw your place
when I picked you up.

Oh, this is great. We can see
the kitchen window from here.

And there's Judy.

Stuffing those sausages
without a hint of irony.

- Isn't she pretty?
- Yes, but you're prettier.

Okay, now all we have to
do is get her attention.

Whatever I say, laugh like
I'm hilarious and adorable.

I'm ordering two appetizers
and an entree for my friend.

- She's not looking.
- Okay, you're a little impatient.

I can see why Judy might've left.

- Hey!
- I'm sorry.

Okay, let's kick it up a
notch. Take a selfie of us.

Ooh, I like your phone case.

Gwen Stefani gave it to me.

Okay. Now tweet it and write
"hashtag best date ever"

with three dancing heart emojis.

In high school, they used
to call me emoji-wan Kenobi.

She's not looking.

I don't think she has
a phone in the kitchen.

- What are we gonna do now?
- All right, don't worry.

I have one more trick up my sleeve. Judy!

See? Works every time.

Bam!

I just pre-ordered five hundred
copies of San Francisco Monthly.

You know that old saying,

"don't buy a bunch of magazines
before you make the list?"

Yeah, okay.

It's a tweet from Logan. Maybe giving
me a little sneak peek of the list.

- What the hell is this?
- It's hot tea. You asked me to get it.

Not that. This!

Oh! That's... that's called a "selfie".

All the kids are doing it.

Yeah but why are Logan and
Gabi doing it, together?

Do any of us really know
why anyone does anything?

It says, "hashtag best date ever".

Oh, hashtag I did not see that coming.

Elliot, what's going on?

That's exactly what I would like to know.

As soon as Gabi gets here tomorrow,
that's my first question for that girl.

- I'm calling her.
- No!

Look, I didn't want to have to tell you
this, but you weren't getting on the list.

What?

Which is why Gabi decided
to go on a date with Logan.

She wanted to do everything
she could to make it happen.

- I couldn't stop her.
- Oh, please!

Let me get some bread
to go with that bologna!

You pimped out my Chef?

Yes! And I did it for you!

For me? You mean for you.

Because you're the one who's been
obsessed with getting me on that list.

And I told you I didn't care about it!

Oh, please. You just bought five hundred
copies of a magazine you're not even in!

Admit it. You both wanted
to get on that list.

- For him!
- What about her?

- Who?
- Gabi!

At least when Josh fires you,
you can add pimp to your resume.

- Why isn't she coming over here?
- Oh, she will.

Now, you feed me a bite and I'll feed you.

Oh, my God, that is so good!

You know what's really gonna bug
her? You just keep feeding me.

She's coming over here! What do we do?

Um, okay, don't worry.

Sit back, let my plan play out.

She's gonna come over, get super mad,
say she wants you back, and kick me out.

So I'm just gonna keep eating
while I have the chance.

Logan, what are you doing?
Is this some pathetic attempt

- at making me jealous?
- That depends. Is it working?

Logan? Hey, Gabi.

- Uh, Josh, what are you doing here?
- Saving you.

Look, you don't have to pretend to
be a lesbian to get me on the list.

- Uh-oh.
- You're straight?

No! Jeez, somebody's gaydar's on the Fritz!

I think you're the one who's straight.

I love women and boobs
and chopping firewood.

Then what's he talking about?

I don't know. He's just
some jealous ex-boyfriend.

He's the person that I slept
with who made me realize

that I am so over men and
way into the lady business.

- Oh, God.
- I don't know what's happening.

I do. This is a ruse.

- You're not gay.
- Oh, yeah?

Oh, my God. I do. You are on a date?

How could you do this to me?!
You never had time for me.

And now you bring another
woman into my restaurant?

Oh, please! You're the one who left
me so you could focus on your career.

How would you even know? You were
always asleep when I got home from work.

Who goes to bed that early?

Someone who drinks a whole bottle of syrah
waiting for her girlfriend to get home.

I never want to see you again!

You're dead to me!

Great plan, Gabi. Worked like a charm.

Well, the making her
really mad part worked.

No. Let me get this. Please.
It's the least I can do.

Thanks. This is the worst night of my life.

Oh, my God, Logan!

- Are you okay?
- I think she's choking!

Help! Anyone! We need one of
those paddle-y-thingamadoodads!

- That's for a heart attack!
- Logan!

Are you okay?

Your entire life just
flashed before my eyes!

Judy, you just saved my life.

Oh, God. When I said you were dead to me,
I didn't want you to really be "dead" dead.

That's so romantic.

Next time you're drinking
from a bottle of syrah,

it'll be a bottle I bring
home from the restaurant.

Oh. Just be sure. I
like to go to bed early.

Oh, on the way home tonight,
we need to buy more cat diapers.

Oh! I've waited so long
to hear those words.

How lucky are we that she choked?

Pretty lucky.

That was genius.

- What was genius?
- His plan.

What... No! Josh!

I was so worried! You
had me scared to death!

I know. You were
great. You really sold that.

Thanks.

Hey, Gabi. I autographed
my cookbook for you.

Oh, thank you! "Eating
out with Judy Green".

Oh, that's clever.

"Stay away from my
girlfriend or I'll cut you".

She is lovely.

Hey, Gabi, thanks for everything.

Oh, sure. And just before you
go, um, not that I care, at all,

but, you know, out of
curiosity, how was, um... um...

- How was the kiss?
- Garlicky.

- But great.
- Oh, good.

And Josh, I owe you one.

We're even.

Seriously, I don't need to be on your list.

Good to know. Later, guys.

Bye! What is wrong with you?!

"I don't need to be on the list?"

Do you know how hard I worked
to get you on that list?

I went on a date with that woman, and
I gave her the best kiss of her life.

You heard her, she raved about it!

And I appreciate that.

Man, did I appreciate that.

But I realized I don't need to be
on some list to validate who I am.

I've got a Porsche for that.

But I can't believe what
you did for me back there.

So I want to do something nice for
you. Whatever you want. Name it.

- Can I drive your Porsche?
- Let's be real.

Oops.

Could you please be a dear and pass
me back that San Francisco Monthly?

Oh! I'm such a butterfingers!

Why don't you have a
peek at page forty-seven?

Elliot, I'm done with the list.

- I don't want to see it.
- Just have a little peek.

A peekaboo. A peekaroony. A pekinese.

I don't give a shih-tzu. I'm over it.

Would you look at the damn magazine!

You're number five!

- No.
- No?

- We're number five.
- We did it!

What's going on in here?

We made the list!

We did it!

♪ Thirty Under Thirty ♪

♪ Thirty Under Thirty ♪

_

Gabi will face...

_

- I can't have a baby, I'm still a baby.
- I'm sweating like an animal.

_

This is the longgest minut of my
life. I feel like I'm throwing up.

Not a good sign.

_

- Are you pregnant or nor?
- I don't know, the test was messed up.

How you mess a pee on a steak?