Young & Hungry (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Young & Pregnant - full transcript

Caroline, who's ready for this high tea?

I say "high," you say "tea".

- High...
- Don't.

Sorry, I'm just kind of excited.

This is my first time making a high tea.

I mean, for you! I do this all the time.

I'm a professional.

I hope so, because this has to be flawless.

If I don't lose at least
one friend out of jealousy,

it will be a complete failure.

Oh, you're not kidding.

Well, don't worry.

I got it all covered. I
made three types of scones...

What about for my friends
who don't eat gluten?

Uh, champagne deviled eggs with caviar.

And the ones who eat vegan?

Almond crusted baked eggplant?

And what about the ones who only eat raw?

I'm hoping they don't come.

Excuse me?

Uh, I said...

At your service, ma'am.

Oh, look at this beautiful creature.

Oh, cute pony.

It's not a pony. It's a thoroughbred colt
sired from Two Kentucky Derby Winners.

Wow, I was sired from an iHop
waitress and a car mechanic.

Daddy's trying to win
him at auction for Josh.

It's a family tradition to buy the
newly engaged man a racehorse as a gift.

Wow, our only family tradition is
avoiding eye contact when grandma

says something racist.

Please don't talk about your life.

It makes me sad.

Well, it's not all sad.

Ooh, I bought a new
bra, went up a cup size.

When does that ever happen?

All the time. It happened
to my friend Diane.

Though she went up two cup sizes.

And she paid for hers.

And my sister, but of
course she's pregnant.

Well, I'm not that.

Oh no!

Go away.

Oh, thank God you're here.

Do you have the pregnancy
test? I'm freaking out.

Okay, just calm down.
You can't be pregnant.

You and Josh used protection.

- Right?
- Abso... maybe.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

Shh!

How could you not use protection?!

I don't know.

We used so much champagne I don't remember.

Will you stop talking?

You know I can't pee when I'm nervous.

I have a shy bladder.

Well, I wish you had a shy vagina,
then we wouldn't be in this mess.

I heard that.

- Did you pee on it?
- Yeah.

And a little on my hand.

Okay, we got one minute
until we find out the results,

which gives you one
minute to freak out. Go.

How did this happen?

I mean, I know how it happened,

but why did I let it happen?

I mean, I finally got my dream job.

And it was gonna lead to my dream career.

And I was even gonna have my own
cookbook called, "Dining With Debt".

Okay, 10 seconds.

And now all of it could be ruined
because of one stupid drunken mistake.

I mean, I know I'm being negative,
but I'm scared it's gonna be positive.

And time's up.

Do you feel better?

No.

Okay, time to see...

Hey, Josh, hey!

Uh, this is my roommate, Sofia.

- Sofia, Josh.
- Hey.

- Josh, Sofia.
- It's nice to meet you.

Sofia's helping me, um, uh, cut
the sandwiches into triangles.

Well, we're glad you're here.

We can use all the help we can get.

- Yeah.
- Gabi told you

how important this day is to me?

Yes, she did.

And it's a big day for everyone.

Look, it's really important to Caroline

that I make a good
impression on her friends.

There's gonna be 13 of them here.

And unlike her, they can be cold and judgy.

Well, just be yourself.
I'm sure you'll be fine.

That's the worst idea ever.

Look, I may seem confident
and successful on the outside,

but on the inside, I'm just
a soft, nerdy pile of goo.

Let me bottom-line this for you.

I'm so scared.

What is that?

It's, um...

It's a stirrer.

Boy, you are nervous. You
know what you should do?

You should leave immediately

and go work off all
that anxiety at the gym.

I can't. I have too much to do.

I've got to get my tailor suited...

My suit tailored!

Oh my God.

I'm sweating like a barn animal.

Wow.

Now I see why you slept with him.

He is a babe!

Sofia, we have more important
babes to worry about.

I can't look.

No, you have to.

I'm positive...

That this one's ruined. I
got to take another test.

Socks and sandals, Gabi?

You make it too easy.

Yeah, okay.

Gabi!

Insults are a two-way street.

If you don't react,
there's no fun in it for me.

Yolanda, you're humming.

Elliot, you're annoying.

See, that's how it works.

You only hum when you have gossip.

What is it? Spill.

Will you chill out?

Maybe I'm just happy?

Happy I got some dirt!

Gather 'round, sisters.

So I was taking out the
trash, you know, like I do.

And underneath a bunch of
two-ply scented toilet paper,

that only rich people
buy, I found a box for a...

Wait for it...

Pregnancy test.

Now I only found the box,

but I know exactly what's going on.

- You do?
- Damn right I do.

Caroline's pregnant.

Caroline?

No wonder she's so moody.

And I saw her almost eat ice cream.

And she smelled a piece of cake!

I can't wait to tell Josh!

No, you're not telling
him. I'm telling him.

It's my news.

Hey, no, nobody's telling anyone anything.

Except me.

Guys, he's already freaked
out about this party.

I mean, why would we add to the stress?

Plus, we don't even know what
the results of the test are.

I mean, Caroline might not even know.

You know, a lot of people
screw up their first test.

She's got a point. We
shouldn't say anything.

Fine, but it sure takes the fun
out of digging through the trash.

Hey, guys.

You're gonna be a dad!

- Ha!
- Damn it!

Wait, let me get this straight.

You guys found a pregnancy test box

with no test, and you have
no idea what the results are?

It really lacks the "umph"
when you say it like that.

I tried to stop her from telling
you, but you saw what happened.

I was like Indiana Jones
running from that Boulder.

Look, guys, I appreciate your concern,

but if Caroline were
pregnant, she would tell me.

Then it's settled. Let's
not talk about this again.

Caroline, you're positively glowing.

Of course I am. I just had a facial.

- A facial for two.
- Shh.

Josh, help me pick out something to wear.

I want to look so good that all my
friends feel really bad about themselves.

She's gonna be a great mother.

- Yeah, about that, Yolanda.
- Hmhmm.

Why did you say something?

I told you not to say anything, and
then you just told Josh everything!

I couldn't let that gossip silly
piglet steal my thunder again.

I mean, when the firemen came to cut
out 500-pound Lou out of his apartment,

Elliot broke the news.

When Mr. lowenstein became Mrs. lowenstein,

Elliot broke the news. It's my turn!

And how come you care so much anyway?

Because... oh God.

It's not actually, completely
Caroline's pregnancy test.

Well, whose test is it?

It's kind of completely mine.

What?! Oh, hell no!

Wait, this doesn't come from
the night that you and Josh...

Oh, hell no!

So are you pregnant or not?

I don't know, the test kinda got messed up.

How you mess up peeing on a stick?

It's complicated.

Look, Sofia's on her
way now with another one,

but with everything that's going on,
maybe I should just tell Josh now.

Tell him what?

That you might be pregnant,
but you don't know.

What's that gonna do but upset the man?

Until you take a new test,
you keep your mouth shut.

Yeah, you're right.

Damn, I'm like Fema, the way I'm
cleaning up all these disasters.

Hey, daddy.

How's the horse auction going?

We won the colt?

Oh! I'm so excited!

Oh my God.

We're going to be parents.

Well, if he's anything like his father,
he's going to be one handsome stud.

Oh, I can't wait to
surprise Josh at the party.

Yeah.

Well, we're in for quite a ride.

Elliot!

Get over here quick. I need you too.

I need you too.

God, it feels go to say it out loud.

Caroline is pregnant.

I'm gonna be a dad.

Did you tell me before Yolanda?

Yes.

Yay! We're having a baby!

I mean, we didn't plan
on having kids so soon,

but now that we are, I'm stoked.

I'll teach him how to read and write code.

And I'll get him on the
best-dressed toddler's list.

I know all about buying tiny clothes.

Right now, what I need you to do

is go out and find the
greatest baby gift you can find.

When Caroline surprises
me with the big news

at the party, I'm gonna surprise her.

You can count on me.

Magic Gay Powers, activate!

Form of an amazing baby gift!

Whoa, sweetie.

You sure you should be drinking?

Uh, yeah.

Thank God you're here.

Here's your... You know
what to find out if you're...

You know what.

You know what?

Just give her the damn pregnancy test.

She knows?!

Damn right I know.

If you're trying to hide something,
don't bury it in the bottom of a trash can

under a bunch of tissue and "people"
magazines, where anyone can find it.

Now give me that.

This time I'm throwing it away.

Your boss is always getting you in trouble.

Oh man! I've been having
to hold it in for an hour!

I'm sorry it took so long.

When I got to the store,
I didn't have enough cash,

so I had to go home shake down our couch.

- Oh, thank God!
- You're not pregnant?

No, it just feels so good to pee.

What the hell's all this?

Please tell me the German Nanny on "four"
left her baby in the elevator again.

You wish.

Josh asked me to get a
surprise baby gift for Caroline.

When he texts me, I'm
gonna push it into the party

and blow her mind.

But Josh told us to calm down
and not to jump to conclusions.

Well, he changed his mind
and asked me for help.

"Why?" You ask. Because
he likes me more than you.

You can't go in there with this stroller.

Watch me.

Elliot, I'm not playing.

Caroline's not pregnant.

It was Gabi's test.

Hmph, good one.

If you bust in there with this stroller,
you're gonna ruin Josh's life forever.

- Now give me that.
- Like hell I will.

Unlike the windows you clean,
I can see right through you.

You just want to wheel in the big
surprise and get all the credit.

No, I don't!

- Yes, you do!
- No, I don't!

Yes, you do!

Oh my goodness!

Oh! Is that a suede
onesie? Elliot, oh, you...

Isn't it to die for?

Yes!

They call it a sue-onesie.

No! Saboteur!

This is the longest minute of my life.

I feel like throwing up.

That's not a good sign.

Sofia, I can't be pregnant.

I can't have a baby. I'm still a baby.

It's time.

Do you want me to look?

No, no, I'll do it.

Oh my God!

- Are you crying?
- Yes!

Happy tears or sad tears?

- Happy!
- Happy good or happy bad?!

There's no such thing as happy bad.

We're not pregnant!

Yay.

What's going on in here?

I haven't heard screams
like this since I got waxed.

I'm not pregnant. We can finally relax.

The hell we can. Now
I bought you some time,

but Elliot is about to
burst into this party

with a baby carriage for Caroline.

What?! No!

If you don't fix this, you're gonna get
screwed for the second time in this house.

You sure you want to tell Josh?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I don't want Caroline
to find out in front of all of her friends

that I slept with her fiance.

Good point.

- We're done with these.
- Oh, thank you.

- Uh, J...
- Thank you.

Thank you, nice. Oh, more, yay.

Everyone!

I have an announcement to make.

Can you all stop what you're doing?

Sorry.

As you all know,

Josh and I are engaged.

And I just wanted to tell him in front
of all of you, how much I love him.

And I hope...

Noreen, I'm talking!

Put down the scone and
step away from the table!

As I was saying...

Josh and I are going to
be the proud parents of...

A baby!

Baby?

And I couldn't be happier.

No, I'm not pregnant.

I'm not pregnant!

Wait, you're not?

No.

But I heard you on the phone and they
found the box for your pregnancy test.

I don't know what you're talking about,
but whatever you found is not mine.

Well, then whose is it?

Uh...

That would be mine.

Yours?

Best party ever.

Gabi, what's going on?

Uh, well, since you asked.

Um, I had to take a pregnancy test
because I had a thing with this guy.

His name was, uh, Edward.

And he was very tall and
mysterious, and, um, pale.

It was amazing, his skin was
like almost iridescent in the sun.

- Um, that's "Twilight".
- No, it's not.

My Edward left me to get
back with his girlfriend.

Ugh! Men are such pigs.

Hand me that cupcake.

This one's not. This one's great.

He just, um... he just loves somebody else.

All we had was one magical
champagne infused night.

Aww.

Oh.

- Hello!
- Yes.

Caroline, my beautiful fiancee Caroline.

What were you saying, baby?

I bought you a frickin' horse.

You bought me a what-now?

I ain't cleaning up after no horse.

A $1,000,000 champion-sired thoroughbred.

You're welcome.

Sweetie, it's amazing.

You obviously don't like it.

I wasn't born yesterday.

I know I look like I was, but I wasn't.

No, I love it.

I do.

I just...

I got kinda stoked about all the baby talk.

But that's just it, Juju.

He is our baby.

I named him Juju Jr.

And you know what?

He's beautiful,

just like his mama.

He is, isn't he?

To Juju Jr. and the happy couple!

To Juju Jr!

Hey.

Hey.

Listen, Josh, I'm really sorry

- about what happened today.
- No, no.

I'm sorry I put you in this predicament.

Yeah.

- Are we in a...
- I'm not pregnant.

Oh, thank God.

I can breathe.

And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Oh, I know. Yeah.

Hey, Gabi, I hope you realize

- that I would've done whatever...
- Oh, I know.

- Yeah.
- Good.

- Good.
- Good.

Good.

We're repeating because
this is an awkward situation.

- It really is!
- It really is.

- Still awkward.
- Still so awkward.

Seriously, you're okay?

Yeah, oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Are you kidding? We dodged a bullet.

From Caroline's gun.

Whoo!

Yeah, that relief comes in waves.

All right, well, I'm gonna
head home for the day.

- Yeah, me too.
- Josh, you live here.

I live here.

Whoo!

Oh my God.

These Scandinavian
Princess Cakes are amazing.

Free food is such a great job perk!

I know, some people get a
401k and I get leftovers.

Do you even know what a 401k is?

Not a clue.

Hmm!

I just thought of something.

- Hmm?
- What if these leftovers

that you keep bringing home are causing
you to gain weight in your boobs?

I never thought about that.

Another great job perk.

That perks up my sweater!

Yeah!

Give me another one. I need to catch up.