Young Sheldon (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Pongo Pygmaeus and a Culture that Encourages Spitting - full transcript

Sheldon starts an internet flame war, and Missy stands up to the boys on her baseball team. Also, Meemaw is unhappy when George Sr. spends time with her new boyfriend.

- Previously on Young Sheldon...
- Excuse me.

- You Coach Ballard?
- That'd be me.

My daughter's here to try out.

Come on, I'm not gonna
put a girl on my team.

Why not?

She's got pigtails.

You're not even gonna give her a chance?


Hey. Hello. Can I talk to you?


You tell my granddaughter
she can't play baseball?

Well, I was just looking
out for her, that's all.

Well, we don't need you
deciding what's best for her.

Or what?

Or you and me are gonna have problems.

- We're back!
- How'd it go?

She made the team.


And Meemaw got a date with the coach.

- What?
- It was a productive afternoon.

You sure you don't want me to stay?

You promised you'd
take me to RadioShack.

Sheldon, this is a big
day for your sister.

I'm fine, Dad.

Come on.

I really don't want to go to RadioShack.

Ah. George.

- Dale.
- Hey, Missy.

Why don't you get out
there and start warming up?


And you must be Sheldon.

Your grandmother told me all about you.

We're going to RadioShack.

Yeah, she didn't lie.

George, I figure we kind of got off

on the wrong foot the other day.

- Don't worry about it.
- Well, I do worry about it.

I-I'd like to take you out for a beer,

if that would be okay.

It appears Meemaw told
him about you, too.

Sounds great.

- Have a good practice.
- Thank you.

It's nice that you're going to socialize

- with Meemaw's new boyfriend.
- I know.

She's gonna hate it.

Hey, Clark. Today's the day.

It's in the back.

I'll go get it.

What's he getting?

A direct-connect 300 baud modem.

How much?

Don't worry, I'm using my allowance.

Plus, Clark gave me a healthy discount

for helping with his
application to medical school.


What's a modem do?

It allows me to connect my computer

to other computers that also have one.

Why would you need to do that?

So I can share my scientific ideas

with academics all over the world.

It's like the cybernetic version
of the Algonquin Round Table.

I don't know what that means.

That's okay, you're still my dad

and I'm genetically
obligated to love you.

Missy, how was practice?

So good.

Tell us everything.

The boys were a little mean
at first, but I handled it.

Can I warm up with you?

I don't play baseball with girls.

Really? Your friend's playing with one.


I am so proud of you.

Well, I'm glad you all had a good day.

Not just them. Guess who

I'm grabbing a beer with.

Your new friend, Dale.

Are you kidding me?

You were right, she's not happy.

We're gonna do a
little combination here.

Here we go. Ready and
out, in, up, down...

Out, in, up, down.


Hi, Georgie.

It's Lisa, from English class.

Oh, hey. What's up?

I was wondering if you could
help me with our homework.

Crap, we have homework?

You're so funny.

I think so.

Most people don't.

What's that noise?

No idea.

Georgie, I need you
to get off the phone.

Hang on, Lisa.

I'm helping someone with
their English homework.

I don't have time for jokes.

I need the phone line
to connect my modem.

What the hell's a modem?

It links my computer

to an interconnected
web of other computers

in order to facilitate
the exchange of ideas.

That's the stupidest
thing I've ever heard of.

Sadly, that was not

the stupidest thing he ever said.

Lift, lift, squeeze it.

Have you tried the meatballs here?

They are fantastic.

I haven't.

But speaking of meatballs,

I hear you're gonna hang
out with my son-in-law.




You don't like that at all.

No, it's fine with me.

I hope you all go out and...

- have a grand old time.
- Oh.

Yeah, well, what's the matter?

You afraid I'm gonna
find out all your secrets?

Calm down. You're enjoying
this a little too much.

Enjoying it? I'm loving it.

Look how mad you're getting.

Come on, what's he got on you?

Did you do some jail time?

Were you a go-go dancer?


Have you got a tattoo
in a naughty place?

Can I see it?

Ooh! Someone responded
to a theory I posted

on the physics bulletin board.

He called my work flawed.

That's rude.

Let him know he can't push you around.

That's what I did at baseball practice.

I'd rather not resort to name-calling.

It usually gets me stuffed
somewhere uncomfortable.

That's in person,

where people know
you're pathetic and weak.

That's true.

This is completely anonymous.

I can say whatever I want

without fear of physical retaliation.


And on that day,

my sister created

the first Internet flame war.

Ooh, that is as cruel
as it is grammatical.

And send.

I tried to call you last
night; the phone was busy.

Oh, yeah, that was Sheldon.

Sheldon has friends he
talks on the phone with?

Well, his computer was
talking to another computer.

Oh. And the world makes sense again.


Just a reminder, I'm
gonna be late tonight.

Hanging with my new buddy Dale.

Well, I hope you two have fun together.

Oh, we will. So much to talk about.

You better respect her privacy.

Oh, I don't plan on doing that at all.

Don't you need to go to work?

Yes, but I don't want to leave
until I know you're upset.

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not.

Yeah, you are.


It's just so easy. All you do
is type in the Usenet address:

"sci... dot... theory...

dot... physics...

dot... research...

dot... quantum."

Press enter, and it comes right up.

Careful. In WarGames,

Matthew Broderick
almost blew up the world.

The only thing I'm gonna be blowing up

is this fellow's flimsy argument.

That was one of my classic
jokes; feel free to laugh.

See? Like magic.


Uh, why are you dressed like a boy?

I made the baseball team.

Oh, so you are a boy.

Get out, I need to change.

- You seem upset.
- I am.

I was right? Good for me.

Just get out.


You get picked on all the time.

How do you deal with it?

Who's picking on you?

It doesn't matter, just tell me.

I usually start by telling
myself how much smarter I am

than the person who's picking on
me, but that won't work for you.




Sometimes I imagine that I'm
an ion with a positive charge

and they're an ion
with a negative charge.

It's so that whatever
they say bounces off me

and sticks to them.

Hi, Georgie.


I like that jacket.

Then you'll probably like my pants;

they're made of the same stuff.

Well, see you in class.



Hey, Georgie.

What's up?

We're-we're friends, right?


We're just friends?

What do you mean?

Well, I've asked you out

a bunch and you've made it pretty clear

you weren't interested,

but before I asked out another girl,

I just wanted to make sure that...

It's fine.

You sure? Because if it's not...

Georgie, I need to focus

on my relationship with God right now,

but I'm really happy for you.

Okay. Cool.


Well, guess I'll see you around.


Well, I-I was married for 18
years and I got to tell you,

those were the two
best years of my life.

Ah. What's it like, you know,
being single at your age?

Why, you thinking about it?

No, no, everything's fine.

- Happily married, just, uh, just curious.
- Yeah...

Come on, now. She's not here.

Well, to answer your
question, it's just great.

See, I get to wander around
my house in my underwear,

and I can make whatever
bodily noises I choose

whenever I choose.

Ah. I do that now.

Well, then, you got yourself a keeper.

So how'd you wind up coaching baseball?

Well, with the sporting goods store,

you know, I've sponsored
a couple of teams,

and then this year, my
grandson wanted to play,

so it lets me spend more time with him.

That's nice. Yeah, I
coach my son in football.


Oh, God, no. Can you imagine?

- You really scared me there for a second.
- Yeah.

- So you're dating my mother-in-law.
- Oh, no.

Now, did she send you here
on a fact-finding mission?

No. No, I-if anything, she's worried

I'm gonna tell you things about her.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I tell you what, why
don't we get another drink

and let's get to it?

Would you get this man a
bucket of beer here, please?

I'm sorry those girls were so mean.

They didn't just call me a boy.

They wouldn't sit with me at lunch.

No one talked to me at recess.

Aw, baby.

Somebody crossed out "Missy
Cooper" in my notebook

and wrote "Mister Cooper."

Well, if that's what they're like,

maybe you don't want them as friends.

I don't think I want to
play baseball anymore.

If that's what you
want, it's your decision.


I heard your daughter's
playing baseball.

Hey, Brenda.

What were you thinking?

Excuse me?

My Billy's on that team.

Baseball's for boys.

Says who?

Says everyone. It's not ladylike.

Save some pudding for your father!


Okay, where was I?

You were telling me what was ladylike

and then yelled at your
son like a dock foreman.

Listen, I'm just doing you a favor.

The other moms on the
team are starting to talk.

Well, maybe the other moms
need to mind their own business.

Come on, Mary.

Isn't one weird kid
in your family enough?

You going for a record?

You're playing baseball.

But you said it was my decision.

It is. And you're playing.

- There you are.
- Oh, yeah.

Connie's great.

You can have a beer with
her, watch a football game,

joke around.

She doesn't mind if you swear.

In fact, that woman's
got a mouth on her.

- I have noticed that.
- Yeah.

You know, I just realized something.

I got more in common
with my mother-in-law

than I do my own wife.

That's kind of creepy.


Let's hope the beer does its job

and I don't remember this tomorrow.

Well, hey, tell me something
about this guy she was seeing.

Mm. The scientist.

- Really? A scientist?
- Yeah, not with test tubes;

more with arithmetic,
thinking and stuff.

- Uh-huh. A physicist.
- There you go.

Yeah. Nice enough fella.

Always reminded me of that cartoon owl

in the Tootsie Pop commercials.

Hmm. Well, why'd they break up?

Uh, you know.

You know, things happen.

Uh-huh. What things?

- Eh...
- Come on, now.

At least tell me if there's
something I need to worry about.

Oh, no. Connie's rock solid.

Unless you put on a little weight.

- Then you will hear about it.
- Ah.

Uh, you want to switch to light beer?

Hey. I may have boobs,
but I'm still a man.

Well, I never.


I'm having a scientific
argument with someone

and I need your help.

I do love a good science fight.

Has it devolved to name-calling yet?

Yes. I called him a Pongo pygmaeus.


A Bornean orangutan.

That is a creature who would be
very bad at science. Well done.

I know.

So how can I help?

I posted a theory

on the collapse of wave function.

We've been arguing back and forth

and he's saying that my
probabilities come out negative.

Hmm. I see.

Have you considered that
negative probabilities

can still have meaning?

Ooh, I hadn't. That
suggests another idea.

I can argue that negative probabilities

only show up in intermediate steps.

I'm gonna destroy him with this.

And when you do, feel free to
call him a Scarabaeus viettei,

a dung beetle.

Oh, I so admire your mind.

Back at you, little man.

Can I top off your coffee?

Well, that's awfully nice of you.

You know me. I'm a pleaser.

You just want to know what
I talked about with Dale.

Not really.

I promise you got
nothing to worry about.

I didn't say a thing.

Thank you.

So what'd you find out about him?

Oh, I see how this works.

You're damn straight
that's how it works.

Now spill.

Well, let's see.

Uh, he likes to drink,

likes to hunt.

Uh, he's got a son who's divorced.

I know all this. Go on.

That's all I got.

You are useless.

When he comes to his
senses and dumps you,

- I'm gonna stay friends with him.
- Good.

If he dumps me, he deserves to suffer.

Hey, Dale.

Hey, George.

So, uh, she gonna be okay out there?

Well, I talked to the other coach.

The boys are gonna leave her alone.

Hey, Billy!

You're supposed to be warming up.

I found a worm!

Do you want to coach a baseball team?

You praying?

I'm asking the Lord to
watch over my little girl.

Well, while you're at
it, ask Him for a win.

I got money on this.

You bet on a kids' baseball game?

I got three to one odds.

Thanks to Dr. Sturgis,

I had all the intellectual
ammunition I needed

to bring my opponent to his knees.

I accused him of conflating

two different interpretations
of quantum theory,

woefully misrepresenting Paul Dirac,

and when I called him
a dung beetle in Latin,

I was so riled up,

I almost started producing testosterone.

Here she comes.

This is it.

Go get 'em.

- Let's go, Missy!
- Go get 'em, Missy!


- Whoa.
- Oh! Dear Lord.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it.

It happens. She's okay.

Brush it off, Missy!



- What the hell?
- Son of a bitch.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Hold it.

We talked about this.


Ah, well, here we go.

Eat dirt. Eat it.

Kick his ass!

Does it taste good?


Yeah, listen to your
meemaw. Kick his ass!

You gonna cry? Huh? Do it. Cry.

Do something. Break it up.

H-Hang on. She's winning.


Missy Cooper, you stop
beating up that boy!

Punch him in the nuts!

Ooh, the long-awaited rebuttal.

"While I still believe
my theory has merit,

I will concede that your
point has some validity."

My point has some validity.

My point has some validity!


That day,

both my sister and I

emerged victorious from savage battles.

Hers fought with fists, mine with words.

What does my point have? Some validity!

Although we were both
pretty sore the next day.

Ejected from your very first game.

I'm proud of you, slugger.

Thanks, Dad.

- Dairy Queen's on me.
- To be clear,

we are not rewarding violence.

But I am glad

you didn't let those girls from
school bully you into quitting.

I should rub their faces in the dirt.

That's my girl.

Someone's getting
extra sprinkles tonight.

Ooh, hooray for violence.