You, Me and the Apocalypse (2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - An Erotic Odyssey - full transcript
A mysterious man, who believes the apocalypse is a capitalist lie, springs Rhonda - along with Leanne - from jail, mistaking her for the world's greatest hacker but dumps them both on learning the truth whilst in Washington Rhonda's brother Scotty, a junior member of General Gaines' apocalyptic planning group, the Special Situations Group, advises the president to give the nation false hope with the make-believe Operation Saviour. Jamie and irresponsible house-mate Dave set out to find Jamie's birth mother in the hopes that it will lead to his twin and Layla but end up as captives and Father Jude, assisted by Sister Celine, is charged with investigating Christ's second coming.
# I can see clearly
now the rain has gone...
JAMIE: See that?
That's what's gonna kill everyone.
Any second now.
Doesn't matter who you are,
who you pray to,
black or white,
straight or gay, rich or poor.
Yeah, it's Judgment Day.
The actual apocalypse.
And where am I? In Slough.
Or rather, under Slough,
watching it on telly.
One minute, now. One minute.
coming live to us from Hubble.
JAMIE: I know what you're thinking.
"You're one of the lucky ones."
My question is, am I?
I mean, have you seen
who else is in here?
Beijing and Jerusalem there.
- JAMIE: Who are these people?
- The human race united as never before.
JAMIE: How the hell did this happen?
Are we the future of mankind?
I mean, seriously?
Thank you all for watching.
I hope we'll meet again.
Come on, it's here somewhere,
I know it is. I saw it here today.
Scotty, everyone's waiting.
What the hell are you looking for?
My homeopathic spray.
Yes! I got it.
- I get all tense and it calms me down.
- You should try it.
- Out, now.
SCOTTY: You say everyone's waiting.
- Do you mean?
- Yeah. Everyone, everyone.
Just relax. You know it inside out.
You've practiced this a million times.
RHONDA: Excuse me.
Hello? Could someone please tell me
what the hell is going on?
Chill, OK? We just had to make sure
we weren't being followed.
Who the hell are you?
Can you feel it, Rhonda? The spark?
This must be what it was like
when Lennon met McCartney.
The two greatest hackers
of our generation face to face at last.
Yeah, that's right. You're looking
at the White Horse himself.
Honored to meet you,
Yeah, that's my username.
So you did all this for me? Why?
You're the only person
to have hacked the NSA ever.
I mean, you scaled the walls
of Castle fucking Grayskull itself!
And I wanna know how you did it.
Uh, yeah. How about you get me home
first? Then I'll show you.
You're a hard-nosed arsehole,
I like that. OK, deal.
This your girlfriend, son? Punching
a little above your weight, ain't ya?
Don't... Why would you...
Now it's dirty!
Don't ever touch my stuff.
Boobmuncher 2000? Bullshit that's you.
It's gonna be OK.
Just stop antagonizing them.
I got a bad feeling about this.
You ask me, they look a little Jew-y.
- You off somewhere, mate?
That photo was taken in Moscow.
I'm gonna find out
what the hell's going on.
You know, 24 hours ago, I was doing OK.
I mean, my life was shit, but at least
it made sense, and then all of a sudden,
oh, yeah, your wife's alive, only she's
with some fucker that looks like you.
Oh, and also, your mum's not your mum
and you're gonna die.
Best regards, the universe. Where is it?
You didn't sleep.
You're always tetchy when you're tired.
How am I meant to sleep? How can
anyone sleep at a time like this?
- I slept like a log.
There is a massive rock headed this way.
I know, which is why
I'm writing my bucket list.
How do you spell "m?nage"?
- What have you done with my passport?
- I confiscated it, for your own good.
- You're having a meltdown.
- I am not having a meltdown!
OK, look, do you know where
in the very large city of Moscow
that photo was taken?
No. Do you know anybody there who
could help you? Do you speak Russian?
Do you honestly think there'll be
any flights going to Moscow today?
I mean, you know me, man,
I love an adventure,
but, honestly, is this a good idea?
- I've got to do something.
- I know, I know, so let's do something.
But let's start
a bit closer to home, yeah?
Mum, what's happened?
I always wanted a through kitchen-diner.
I thought, "What the hell?"
It looks crap, doesn't it?
I've ruined my kitchen!
The world's coming to an end
and you hate me, don't you?
I'll put the kettle on.
- Go away.
- I did. Twice already, remember?
I would like to start to work now.
Alright, since we're going to be
I think you should know
I am not a morning person.
Father Jude, the cardinals
would like to see you immediately.
Just when you think the apocalypse
is as bad as it gets,
that sticks its head in the door.
What should I do?
Your desk is buried
under there somewhere.
You might wanna dig it out.
- The looting is out of control, sir.
- Gas shortages.
Riots in 36 cities.
Law and order disintegrating.
WOMAN: What's the Dow gonna do?
- Is there even a Dow still?
OK, we are all tired.
But we need to be better than this.
Hey, you don't know
how to hook this up, do you?
to get the whole high-def thing.
But I could do old-school VGA
if needs be.
Who the fuck is this?
Mr President, this is Scotty McNeil,
from the Special Situations Group.
That's our apocalypse
- We have one of those?
- We certainly do, Mr President.
Scotty is our foremost expert
on extinction-level events.
I suggest we all listen
to what he has to say.
You have my undivided attention.
That shouldn't be there.
We're looking at an impact event
caused by a comet
approximately eight miles wide.
Now, most of the Earth's population
will perish in a chain of devastating
earthquakes in the aftermath.
In turn, these quakes
will trigger a series of tsunamis,
which will sweep across
most traces of civilization.
to compound our problems,
there's also the dust cloud.
Now this gradually envelops the planet
in a toxic, unbreathable smog,
blocking out the sun entirely,
meaning that all plant life
as does all animal life.
The only survivors will be microbial.
But... it could be worse.
- How could this be worse?
- It could be happening tomorrow, sir.
We're lucky. We have 33 days
and we need to use them wisely.
I should have told you.
All the adoption books say to.
I meant to, but...
but you were all I had.
I didn't wanna share you
with your birth family.
You wanna find 'em, don't you?
But you'll always be my mum, OK?
All my many flaws and faults,
they're all your doing.
No one can take that away from you.
So is there anything you know
that can help me, anything at all?
When you were five,
a woman came to the door.
She said that she was your mum.
- Do you really wanna know?
- Yeah, everything.
Well, I won't sugar-coat it.
She was weird.
She knew things about you,
like the box you were left in
and... and the mole on your penis.
Her name was Mary. She lived
in a hippy commune in the country.
That's the address.
You have no idea how many times
I wanted to burn that piece of paper.
- How long will you be gone?
- I don't know.
(SIGHS) Look, you be safe
and you come home soon.
We haven't got many days left.
- I don't wanna be alone at the end.
- I know, Mum. None of us do.
His Holiness feels in the circumstances
it would be wise
to halt the canonization process.
- I'm being fired?
- Not at all.
The Day of Judgment draws near,
The Church has a task
of utmost importance for you.
Atask eminently suited
to a man with your attributes.
You mean my chronic punctuality
and sunny disposition?
No, Father Jude. Your relentless
cynicism, your wearying skepticism.
(SIGHS) Well, what's the gig?
From now on you will be investigating
the second coming of Christ.
My goodness. What an honor.
No. No, no, not really.
This is what's known in the business
as a shit sandwich.
It's a theological term.
Celine, I'm the fall guy. I'm the patsy.
please robustly test these,
but be a dear and do it in a manner
that involves no robust testing
in case one of them is, you know,
"And even though
the implications are staggering
and way beyond your pay grade,
you're on your own,
so don't fuck it up."
So you are scared you will accidentally
anger the Messiah?
No, I'm worried about that,
but what I'm scared of is much worse.
Sir, people need hope.
What is Operation Saviour?
Well, we don't know yet,
but you're announcing it tonight.
That's it? That's all you've got?
- What the hell are we paying you for?
You think when Roosevelt green-lit the
Manhattan Project, he knew the detail?
You think when Kennedy promised
there'd be a man on the moon
by the end of the '60s,
he had any idea how?
Now, these were great men.
They announced the intention,
then made it happen,
and that's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna tell the world
we're gonna save the world,
and then we work out how we do it.
- How do we start?
- We can't do this alone, sir.
So you get on the phone to anyone that
can help, our allies and our enemies.
You ask for their best people, we put
'em in a room with our best people,
they tell us what they've got,
we tell 'em what we've got,
and together they work it out.
Are you insane? You wanna share
all of this with the Russians?
- The Chinese? The Iranians?
- Yeah, starting tomorrow.
Sir, the people need hope, today.
I'll start making the calls.
Mr President, we're gonna need some time
with you this afternoon...
off the record. Very off the record.
No one else in this room can know.
Morning, ladies. Rise and shine.
RHONDA: Listen, I know you're wanting
to stay off the grid and everything,
but I really need to talk
to my husband and son.
You see, my husband,
he's in the hospital,
and I need to make sure that the doctors
are still showing up for work.
And my son, I don't even know where my
son is, so, really, it's very stressful.
Rhonda, relax, OK?
We have all the time in the world.
Yeah, but we don't, do we?
We have 33 days.
And I really wanna spend as many of
those as possible with my family, so...
You don't actually believe
this apocalypse stuff, do you?
Hey, if we're in New Mexico
and DC is north and east,
how come the sun is over there?
- We ain't heading northeast.
- I'm sure there's a perfectly...
He said we're taking back roads, so
maybe we're gonna go in odd directions?
Yeah, or they're lying to you.
We don't know jack squat
about these two.
How d'you know
they ain't professional rapists?
I don't think that's something
you can get paid for.
Me and you'd be better off on our own.
I could steal us a car.
We'd drive off into the sunset
like Thelma and Louise.
OK, you know how that movie ends, right?
Yeah, one announcement
about the end of the world
and the entire country grinds to a halt.
It's chaos, absolute chaos.
But it's very British chaos, though, eh?
I mean, everyone's queuing.
in that tarmac mind-set.
I mean, we wanna go over there, yeah?
So why don't we just go that way,
drive through the field?
I don't wanna scratch my car.
- No, you're quite right.
We must protect the paintwork.
Oh, God. Everyone just needs to relax.
I mean, what difference does it make?
Get stressed, you die.
you still die but more enjoyably.
Right, so what's the plan?
We find your... whatever.
- Vaginal mother, is that the right?
- She's my birth mother.
Yeah, right, find her if she's still
at this commune. Then what?
She tells me if I have a twin and if so,
which car park she dumped him in.
Maybe she knows where he is.
If I can find him,
I find Layla, hopefully.
- You really think he's got her hostage?
- Yeah. I don't know. Yes.
I mean, look. He's pulling her hair.
- I mean, that's pretty hostagey, right?
- Or he's kissing her.
- No, he isn't.
That's not how you kiss people.
Maybe he's got her thinking
we're still happily married.
I don't know. I just...
I don't know what to think.
But the point is,
she's a damsel in distress, yeah?
- Yes, exactly.
- So every second counts.
We're in a race against the clock.
Oh! Whoa! That's my boy!
Embracing the chaos!
I'm serious, I've got a bad feeling.
You trust me?
My God, yes, yes.
Just don't do anything drastic.
Hey. Stop the ambulance right now.
I said stop the ambulance.
Oh, so what, are we your hostages now,
hm? Is that it? Are you kidnapping us?
Hardly. We freed you.
- Are you crazy?
You know what, that's exactly what I am
and I got the certificates to prove it.
You stop this ambulance
or I swear to God I will cut her throat.
- I think I'm bleeding.
- Stop the fucking ambulance!
- WHITE HORSE: Max, are you OK?
- MAX: I'm fine.
- Rhonda, are you OK back there?
- I think so.
I'm stuck. Get me out of here!
You nearly got us all killed. Happy?
How about you spare me the lecturing
and get this off of me?
Hey. Hey! Damn.
We'll grab anything we can eat
and get out of here.
- Come on.
- Get me out of here!
- We'll be right back.
LEANNE: Get me out of here!
- What about Leanne?
- What about her?
She just tried to kill you.
What? You wanna see your family again?
Cos if so,
we need to move quickly and quietly,
and that means not having an insane Nazi
drawing attention to us.
- Look around. No police.
- LEANNE: I'm stuck in here!
This is your best chance
of getting home,
cos sooner or later they're gonna
get this back under control.
- We can't just leave her there to die.
- Would the world be a worse place?
- Maybe she had a tough childhood.
- I had a tough childhood, OK?
My mum is nuts. Didn't make me a racist.
LEANNE: Get me out of here!
Look, no offence,
but I don't know you, OK?
I don't even know your real name,
so how do I know if I can trust you?
It's Ariel, OK?
My real name, it's Ariel.
Yes, like the Little fucking Mermaid.
Thanks, Mum. Like I said, she's nuts.
How about we just get an hour
down the road, I call 911, anonymously,
report an accident, Leanne gets rescued
but thrown back in jail,
we go on our way and there's one less
crazy racist on the loose.
Why are you taking air fresheners?
We don't need air fresheners.
I don't know. I don't know.
I've never looted before.
I just... I got a little grabby.
OK, um... I'll look for food.
Look, we drive as far as we can
and then we walk.
Our forefathers managed it.
- What are you doing? Get off.
- Uh-uh. Bucket list.
I've always wanted to car-surf
like Teen Wolf.
If this is the last of the petrol,
I wanna make it count.
- Get off my car right now.
- Mate, it's on the list. Why not?
Because you'll make us less aerodynamic.
Just get off, OK? I'm not in the mood.
Look, I love
that we're getting you out of your rut,
and I will have your back every time,
but this is not just about you.
You're not the only person who's
got stuff he wants to do before he dies.
Right, yeah, OK, but my stuff
actually means something, doesn't it?
The night before my dad's accident,
he took me to the video shop.
I chose Teen Wolf.
We cooked hot dogs and watched the film.
That was the last night
I spent with him.
I didn't know that.
I wanted to be Michael J Fox so badly.
# If everybody had an ocean...
Please don't fall off.
Please don't fall off.
Isn't this great?
Yesterday you were a bank manager.
Mate, I can't see!
You realize you haven't even
had an egg today?
- First time in years, mate!
- Seriously, I can't see!
- Admit it, you feel alive, don't you?
- Yes, but please move!
- Say, "I don't know where I'm going."
- I don't know where I'm going!
- "And it makes me feel alive."
- And it makes me feel... Shit!
- Oh, my God!
- Mate, are you alright?
- Yeah, yeah, I think so.
- Are you sure?
- What the hell are you doing?
- What does it look like we are doing?
- What are you doing?
- Car surfing. Always wanted to.
Oh, bucket list! Snap!
We're having an erotic odyssey,
aren't we, dear?
Um, we need to get past, so...
could you just...
Can't you go round? There's room.
Looks a bit tight. Couldn't you...
Young man, you're being unreasonable.
My husband's got arthritis.
- Stop staring. Stop staring.
- I don't want to.
And we're out of petrol.
Wonderful. Looks like we're walking.
- You realize I can't get out my door?
Sorry. Slight mechanical issue.
Do you mind just ducking down?
I just need to open... Thank you.
Ooh. Sorry. Mind your bits.
- Thanks again.
- Lovely meeting you.
Enjoy the rest of your odyssey.
LEANNE: Get me out of here,
It says touch the red to the green.
Well, I'm touching red to green
and it's not working, dude!
Hey, you got Spike's voicemail.
Hit me on the...
- Spike, it's Mom.
I can't go into detail,
but I'm coming home, OK?
and I don't know where you are,
so leave your phone on
and I'll keep trying to call.
I love you. I love you so much.
- Hey, it's me.
- Who's me?
- Your sister.
- Rhonda? Bad time.
- Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.
Look, I haven't forgotten about you, OK?
I'm gonna come visit, I promise.
- Oh, yeah, I'm not in prison any more.
- Really? So the appeal worked?
- That's great.
- No, I kind of escaped.
You what? Rhonda, you... you can't
tell me that. I'm in the White House.
- Scotty, shut up.
- I'm briefing the President.
But if people found out
that you're a fugitive and I knew,
they would throw the book at me.
If you wanna talk about problems,
I'm sure mine crap on yours.
Please, I'm your sister. Please help me.
What do you need?
I need you to go to the hospital,
I need to know he's OK,
they haven't abandoned the patient.
And I need you to find Spike.
I don't know where he is
and I think he might be with Tim.
- Tim? That drunk is still alive?
And the court gave him custody.
I don't even know where he lives.
I don't even know if Spike's with him.
- I'm freaking out!
- What, are you jerking off in here?
- I gotta go.
- Don't you dare hang up on me.
- OK, yeah.
So I will... I'll definitely
try and track down that...
that information that you require.
Thank you, Scotty. Thank you.
You OK? You look like crap.
- Well, thanks for the pep talk.
You might wanna consider
doing up your fly.
- I think you overreact.
Ask yourself what kind of person
claims to be a Messiah.
Catechism of the Catholic Church,
Part 1, Section 2, Chapter 2, Article 7.
"Before the second coming of Christ,
"Must pass through a final trial that
will shake the faith of many believers."
"The persecution that accompanies
her pilgrimage on earth
will unveil the mystery of iniquity
in the form of a religious deception
an apparent solution to their problem
at the price
of apostasy from the truth."
"The supreme religious deception
is that of the Antichrist."
- You memorized the catechism?
- Ten years in the convent.
I also know
all the words to Miss Saigon.
These are not the skills that we need.
Look, if everything
that we've devoted our lives to is true,
then before Christ can return,
there will be a false Messiah.
- An Antichrist.
- Yes, I know.
So any one of these
could be Rosemary's actual baby.
666, raised by jackals,
all of that '70s horror crap.
I don't know if I have the chops.
And I don't know if I can protect you.
Who said I need protecting?
- You're not scared?
- Of course.
But I am more scared of not coming
face to face with the Antichrist.
If the prophecies aren't true,
I waste my life, yes?
So I pray for the beast to come
and I pray that we unmask him.
God led me to your door.
I won't let him down,
and I won't let you down.
What if I let you down?
I have very low expectations of you.
I look forward to a new era of
cooperation between our two countries.
Well, China's in.
Your plan is proving very popular.
Well, that's great, Mr President.
I'll get straight to the point.
Operation Saviour, it's a diversionary
tactic to distract the populace.
- Are you saying it won't work?
- We hope it will.
But our calculations suggest
our chances are about one in three,
although for the sake of the people,
you have to act as if it's a sure thing.
Hope, sir. Hope will keep 'em in line
till the very last moment.
- You wanna dupe the American people?
- If need be, yes.
For as long as we need
to implement the fallback.
Sir, what we're about to tell you
is beyond top secret.
There is a bunker
in the Blue Ridge Mountains.
It can keep 15 people and their
offspring alive for up to a century.
Together with a DNA library of
all the major plant and animal species.
We call it Mount Genesis.
We built an ark?
But for only 15 survivors. Who?
We would hand-pick
a group of young women,
selected for their skills,
intellect and fertility.
We don't need men, sir. We'll have
a sperm bank. We just need wombs.
My God. This is monstrous.
No, sir. It's a rational response
to an extraordinary situation.
- But if word ever got out...
- We'd be strung up.
So word can't get out,
not even to the First Lady.
- I need to think about this.
- Sir, we don't have...
- I need to think about it.
- Yes, Mr President.
They'd need a leader in there, sir.
DAVE: Well, this is it.
- You OK?
- Give me a second.
I'm so caught up with Layla, I hadn't
really thought this bit through.
What do you say to the woman
who gave birth to you,
then left you in a shoebox?
DAVE: You'll work it out.
What are you doing?
You coming or what?
Who would live in a house like this?
No one. Not for a very long time.
ARIEL: The apocalypse is bollocks.
You saw that store back there.
Money's worthless now.
They knew that would happen.
They want it to happen.
The old system falls apart,
then they regain control
and now it's a new system,
a new capitalism, the slate wiped clean,
America back on top.
When are you gonna call 911?
- I said when are you gonna call 911?
- You really think there's still a 911?
You lied to me?
But she's gonna die back there.
A horrible, painful, slow...
OK, um, stop the car.
Stop the car now.
- You lied to me, Ariel!
- I did what needed doing.
Deal with it.
My God, she was right about you guys,
Now, there's two ways we can do this.
You in the car like a human
or you in the trunk like luggage.
- Where are you taking me?
- Somewhere safe. And totally off grid.
You're gonna show us every hack,
every trick in your locker.
Now, I wanted to do this
in a friendly, consensual way,
but you're making it very hard.
Frankly, I'm disappointed.
We get you out of jail,
but your lack of gratitude disgusts me.
Manners, Rhonda. Basic manners.
I didn't ask you to spring me.
You chose that.
And FYI, I can't help you.
- What d'you mean?
- I don't have any tricks in my locker.
I don't even have a locker, OK?
You sprung the wrong person.
I didn't hack the NSA.
So why'd you plead guilty, then?
Unless you're protecting someone.
Someone you love very much, right?
- Not necessarily.
- So it's either the husband or the son.
You leave my husband alone.
Nice try, but don't ever play poker.
So your son's the genius.
What's his name again? Spike?
- Bet we find him before you do.
- You leave my son alone.
- Or what?
- You stay away from him.
You'll call the police?
Max, pull over.
- You're gonna shoot her?
- God, no. I'm not an animal.
You see, Rhonda?
Manners, basic manners.
I mean it! You stay away from my son!
Just got my hopes up.
Should have known.
Back to square one.
you are so far from square one.
You know her name, a previous address.
We'll find Mary and we'll find Layla.
Besides, you had an adventure, dude.
You lived a bit.
You drove through a field,
broke into a house,
ruined an erotic odyssey.
Ticked something off your bucket list.
I didn't mean to be a dick about that,
by the way.
I didn't know about your dad,
how much it meant to you.
Actually, I made that up.
I just really wanted to car surf, and...
Ow! Shit! There's something in my arse.
What's that? That's not good.
It's like what vets use on horses.
Someone's shooting at us.
We've gotta get out of here now.
Dave, we've gotta...
Fight this mind... over...
Stand by for transmission in five,
My fellow Americans,
yesterday I brought you tragic news,
but today I bring you hope.
I've spent this afternoon
with my fellow world leaders
and this evening I can announce
an unprecedented international coalition
to counter the threat we face.
- Tonight Operation Saviour begins.
- LEANNE: Hey! Who is it?
Is somebody out there?
This will be
the single biggest scientific project...
Hey, help me! Help me!
I'm stuck in this van!
It will also see mankind
- Get me out of here!
...overcoming our differences.
Well, it's about time, Judas.
... best scientists and engineers...
I'm real disappointed in you, hon.
I thought we was a team,
but you stabbed me in the back.
Yeah, I did.
But now I'm making it right,
so we're done, OK?
What are you talking about?
Where are you going?
... is dedicated to Operation Saviour.
We have the resources,
and the willpower to succeed.
And I give you my word, it will work.
It will go down in history as...
Fine, stay. Don't say I didn't warn you.
What's he saying?
Apparently he's going to save the world.
Another Messiah. Just what we need.
So there is no need to panic.
Life goes on.
Tomorrow you will go to work
and be paid...
Did you just put on the aftershave?
There will be food in our stores,
gas in our gas stations.
This will be the single biggest
scientific project ever embarked upon.
LEANNE: I can see your legs, babe.
That sign starts
like two feet off the ground.
Oh, Lord love a duck.
What, are you gonna walk all the way
to DC in your prison fatigues?
My shoulder is killing me. I can't drive
this thing for one more minute.
I'm injured, you're useless.
We need each other.
Well, that was easy.
Good, good, good.
Yeah, this is gonna be fine,
like Driving Miss Daisy,
all that civil rights bullshit.
PRESIDENT: ... gas in our gas stations.
We've endured 24 hours of chaos,
but as of this moment,
the police are back in control.
All crime will be punished.
- If you looted, we will find you.
If you've escaped from prison,
we will hunt you down.
- Floor it, babe.
- Life continues as it always has.
I promise this is not the end.
God bless you,
God bless the United States of America
and God bless humanity.
We are all in this together.
MAN: And we're clear.
- That was amazing, Mr President.
- Just what the people needed, sir.
That thing we talked about earlier?
- Let's do it.
- Yes, Mr President.
And, like you said, they're gonna need
a leader in there, won't they?
Yes, they will, sir.
Jamie, please wake up.
Mate, I think we're in trouble.
What happened? Where are we?
I don't know, but it's...
but it's all sort of horrible.
I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent...
Hey, Ariel. Yeah, long time, no see.
Now, um, give me one good reason
why I shouldn't rip your balls off.