You, Me and the Apocalypse (2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - Still Stuff Worth Fighting For - full transcript

Jamie discovers that his captor, the heavily pregnant Skye, believes he is his twin, Ariel, who once deserted her and ends up delivering her baby before she points him towards finding his mother. Rhonda is helped by a cross-dresser who then reports her and she has cause to be grateful to Leanne for saving her though she is unable to contact Spike before Ariel tracks him down. Whilst Gaines gives a press conference on the false Operation Saviour Father Jude and Sister Celine travel to Warsaw to meet Frankie, a little girl who, having miraculously come back from the dead following a car crash, is declared to be the daughter of God and Celine is shocked when Frankie appears to be psychic


# I can see clearly now
the rain has gone...

JAMIE: See that?
That's what going to kill everyone.

Any second now.

Doesn't matter who you are,
Who you pray to,

black or white,
straight or gay, rich or poor.

Yeah, it's Judgment Day.
The actual apocalypse.

And where am I? In Slough.

Or, rather, under Slough,
watching it on telly.

One minute, now. One minute.

These pictures
coming live to us from Hubble.

JAMIE: I know what you're thinking.
"Cheer up."

"You're one of the lucky ones."
My question is: Am I?

I mean, have you seen
who else is in here?

Beijing and Jerusalem there.

- JAMIE: Who are these people?
- The human race united as never before.

JAMIE: How the hell did this happen?
Are we the future of mankind?

I mean, seriously?

Thank you all for watching.
I hope we'll meet again.

GAINES: Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Operation Saviour.

Our work here is secret, so I'll now
require you to surrender all devices

that allow contact
with the outside world.

No one tweets, blogs
or sends carrier pigeons.

Now, you may be
the world's finest minds,

but there's no point in dreaming
unachievable dreams.

We need to use existing technology,
existing weaponry.

So, be realistic.

Compromise. We report to the UN
in two days.

The time scale will dictate
our approach.

- Uh, I'm his uncle.
- GAINES: The only info the world gets

will be a daily briefing from my office.
This will be...

I know it's chaos out there,
but any sign, give me a call. Please.

I know many of you may find these
statements overly optimistic. I don't...

SPOKESMAN: We believe
that the video proves

McNeil is part
of a larger terrorist network.

We now believe
she's armed and dangerous

and poses a significant threat
to national security.

We are therefore asking people
to remain vigilant.

If you see her,
please call 911 immediately.

- Shh.
- Is this really necessary?

Girl, we're wearing prison uniforms.

- OK. What's the plan?
- Oh, um... Well, let me think. Ah...

I'll take the guards out
with my nunchuks,

while you disable the motion sensors.
Does that sound good, Batman?

What's the plan? The plan is,
run over there and grab

as many of those goddamn clothes
as you can without getting caught.

It's going to take us a week
just to get to my place.

Aweek? I thought we were talking,
like, one or two days.

Now, how do you think
we're going to do that? Huh?

We've got to dump cars every few hours.
We've got to stick to the back roads.

- It adds up.
- Tennessee is only halfway for me.

I have got to get to Spike
before Ariel does.

Well, it's not going to happen at all
if you get caught, now is it?

JAMIE: No, please. You've got it
all wrong. I'm not who you think I am.

What's the magic word?


I don't know, because I'm not Ariel.
OK? I'm Jamie. I'm his twin.

I'm just trying to find my wife.
I think he has her.

I'm hoping that my birth mother knows
where he is. Her name is Mary,

and she abandoned me when I was a baby.

And this is the only address
I have for her.

You really haven't changed, have you?

Everything is still a lie.

Hurry up, and don't make a sound.



- LEANNE: Crap.

MAN: Hilda! What is it, boy?



BUDDY: Leave those rabbits alone.

- Oh, hello, puppy. It's OK. It's OK.

Oh, my God. How many toys
does this dog have?

- Run.
- Oh my God.

Oh, no. Oh, no.
Good doggy. Good dog...


Hilda, scram.


Don't you move a muscle, missy.

Now, once again.

What is the magic word?

I... I... I don't...


It is you. Because only you could
have done what you did

and still not know
the word I want to hear.

- Make the magic word "sorry."
- Is it? OK, I'm sorry, then.

I'm sorry then?

Fuck you. You know...

I vowed one day I'd see you grovel.
Now, do it. Properly.

- Sorry.
- No, not feeling it.

Uh, I'm really sorry.

- A little more humility.
- From the bottom of my heart.

- Ariel, emote.
- I apologize...

- Sorry, sorry.
- Oh, go on then. Nail him.

She's not going to do it.
You can see it in her eyes.


DAVE: OK. No, listen.
That was my bad. I misjudged that.

Oh, this wasn't supposed to happen...




Lie down...

- Is that what I think it is?
- Um...


Please don't call the police, sir.
I'm not a bad person.

- Yeah? Why are you in prison then, huh?
- My son made a mistake.

He broke in somewhere
that he shouldn't, and I took the blame.

- My ass.
- No, it's true.

The only thing I'm guilty of
is bad parenting. God knows I tried.

Oh God. I can't go back to jail.
I'm so afraid to die alone in there.

I just want to be with my family at the
end. You can understand that, can't you?

CELINE: Are you kidding me, Father?

- Is this some kind of joke?
- Believe me.

The minute the airlines get their act
back together, we are back in economy.

Until then, welcome to Pope Force One.

JUDE: Our first case.

That's exciting.

What's wrong?

Nothing. I just never flew before.

Really? You're kidding.

It's adorable.

If you get scared,
I'll let you hold my hand.

- That won't be necessary, thank you.
- Really great research, by the way.

I'm in danger of looking professional.

But in the future, I will not need this,

And that. We have 32 days.

If you spend that kind of energy on
each case, you're going to be burnt out.

- But the medical evidence.
- Celine.

I love your love of the rational,
but you get that we're beyond that now?

We're investigating false Messiahs.

Or little giraffe girls. But people
are willing to believe this crap.

Do you really think they can engage
in a rational debate?

They can't.
So, we fight fire with fire.

So, we are just digging up dirt,
like tabloid hacks and their sleaze?

Celine, in the real world,
it is always about money or sex.

And when it comes to the devout,
99 percent of the time, it's about sex.

It's a fact.

- No. This is nonsense.
- Sex is a natural urge.

You put a lid on that...
it seeps out the sides.

In unexpected
and sometimes spectacular ways.

Well, I put a lid on it. I'm OK.

- What? I am. You took the vows, too.
- Yes, but that was different.

I was young, and I had plenty of time
to get it out of my system.

But if you've never done it, it's...

much easier for it to become a hang-up.





Give us the key.

If you let us out,
we can drive you to the hospital.

- Why should I trust you, though?
- Because A, I'm not Ariel,

and B, you still hold the trump card.
You know where Mary is. I don't.


Or, you know, you could
just do this on your own.

How's that working out for you so far?






Here, take it.


Don't worry. It suits you.

CROWD: Jane Doe. Jane Doe. Jane Doe.

OK, I see your point.
We have moved beyond reason.

Jane Doe. Jane Doe. Jane Doe.

Jane Doe. Jane Doe. Jane Doe.

MAN: It's a miracle! It's a miracle!

Jane Doe. Jane Doe. Jane Doe.

(IN POLISH) We have an appointment.

- So, you've been busy.
- Yes.

The last 48 hours have been crazy.
Many suicides.


- So, uh... Tell us about Jane Doe.
- Approximately six years old.

Speaks English,
but won't tell us her name.

She was in car crash two nights ago,
with woman we assume is mother.

- But no ID, so who knows?
- And she was dead when she arrived?

Yes. I examined her myself.
I sent body down here.


Tomasz was on shift.

He put her in a drawer.

An hour later, they are announcing
the end of the world on TV,

when he hears the screams.

(IN POLISH) I nearly shit myself.

- What's he saying?
- Uh, he said he nearly shit himself.

Oh. That's understandable.



So, there's no way
you both could have made a mistake?

I'm just asking.
And the nurse sent the first tweet.

Suddenly, it was all over the internet.

People do the math.

Resurrection plus apocalypse
equals second coming.

This mob has come for its Messiah.

CROWD: Jane Doe. Jane Doe. Jane Doe.

OK, where's your car?

Why, I thought you had one.
Ariel, you said you'd drive me.

OK, um... Don't worry. Give me back
my phone. I'll call an ambulance.

Yeah, well done, genius.
I wish I'd thought of that. Oh...

- So, no ambulances?
- SKYE: No, it's a six-hour wait.

They're short on crews.
It's the end of the world, remember?

Hey, look. Don't worry.
I reckon I could do this.

I've seen Call the Midwife.
It basically involves toweling.

- A quick word?
- What

- We cannot deliver a baby.
- Yes, we can. Positive mental attitude.

I don't think that's enough.
I think you need training and skills.

SKYE: Do something! Could someone get
here and help me take my knickers off?

Boom. Bucket list phrase right there.

Admittedly, in my head,
it was slightly sexier.

Look, she is terrified. For her sake,
we need to look confident. Swans, yeah?

You know, swans? Calm up top, even
if down below's all like, "Help!" Swans.


GAINES: You know what's depressing here?

This may be the culmination of mankind.

Our finest minds, pinnacle
of our civilization, and look at them.

Even now, we still can't work together.

Maybe we deserve to die out.

And Scotty?


You still look like crap.
Have you slept?

You've got to look after yourself.
This is a marathon, not a sprint.

We haven't even started
on the other thing.

Ariel, hold my hand.

I mean, I still hate you,
but don't you dare leave.

OK. I'm still not Ariel, but
don't worry. I promise I won't leave.

- You're gonna be fine.
- Oh, for the love of God. What's?

I mean, talk about design flaw. Nah,
we're going to have to swap ends, mate.

Swans, yeah? Brilliant.

She takes you hostage,
yet somehow, I'm the bad guy.




I can't believe I gave birth to that.
How did he get so big?


Anyway, that's Spike.


God, I love him,
but has he got a mouth on him.

Oh. Knows it all.
Loves to tell you your every mistake.


Wouldn't have lasted
five minutes in juvie, huh?


Thank you for not calling the police.

I really appreciate it.


Can I ask you a question?

Whose clothes are these?


I uh...

Well, I like to dress like a lady.

I'm 46 years old, and I've
never told no one that before.

Around here,
that ain't something you tell.

I guess I'm just tired
of living scared.

It's too late in the day.
We could all be dead soon.

So, this is me.

Just a regular Joe
who likes wearing pantyhose.

That bother you?

No. Not at all.

In that case...

Would you mind if I go change?

Just once in my life,
I would like to be myself.

NEWSREADER: It's a mild day, with
temperatures reaching the mid-70s.

- Too slutty.
- About average for the time of year.

Coming up...

BUDDY: Ah... Too formal.

Excuse me, sir?
Could I use your phone?

Help yourself.

- But today cyber terrorist Deus Ex...
- You are gorgeous.

... released a video claiming her as
a key operative in their war on America,

leaving no doubt
that McNeil's attack on the NSA

was part of a wider, orchestrated
campaign to destabilize US interests.

SPIKE: Hey, you've got Spike's
voicemail. Uh, hit me on the...


Honey? It's Mom. Uh, listen.
This is important.

There's a man called Ariel.
He also calls himself the White Horse.

I think he's trying to find you,
but do not trust him. OK?

God. I wish you would
answer the phone, just once.


Give me it.

- Give me my phone, you drunk.
- My house, my rules.

No phones, no TV, no internet,
till you do your chores.

Now, I asked you to empty the crapper,
and you didn't. So...

Don't you dare. I forbid you.


Why are you such an asshole?

Don't ever talk to me like that.
I'm your father.

No, you're not. Rajesh is.

Not according to the judge, son.




- McNeil.
- RHONDA: It's me. Did you find Spike?

- Um, well... Not yet.
- What do you mean "not yet"?

Look, I'm... I'm sure there's...
there's no need to panic, but...

They're not at the address
on the custody papers.

Tim gave a false address.

So, Spike's missing?
Scotty, you have to find him.

How? What do you want me to do? I'm...

I'm doing what I can.

OK? But this is... This is a bad time.
Work is kind of crazy.

- I don't care.
- And...

This is your nephew.
This is family.

What could possibly be
more important than this?

- I can't tell you that.
- Oh, my God. You are unbelievable.

Tell me you at least spoke with Rajesh.

- Scotty.
- It's on my list.

OK? But look. There's something else.

You are all over the news.

Some guy posted a video
on the web this morning,

and he says that you're a terrorist,
helping him wage war on America.

- You're not, are you?
- Scotty, I'm a librarian.

Well, why is he saying it?

Because he's a publicity-seeking prick
who hates me.

And I think he's trying to find Spike.

So, me getting recaptured
suits him just...


Scotty? Scotty?


I trusted you.

You lied to me.

CROWD: Jane Doe. Jane Doe. Jane Doe.

JUDE: How about a joke?
Do you like jokes?

Because I have a... a great joke.
Why did the monk leave the monastery?

Because he was cloister-phobic.

No? OK, well. You'd laugh,
if you understood monastic architecture.

Uh... Gum?

- Do you like gum?
- Uh, Jude. It's got nicotine.

OK, kid. You're killing us.
Can't you say something?

My mum taught me not to talk to men
like you. She says you're perverts.

- Oh.
- Well, maybe you will talk to me then?

- OK. What's a pervert?
- Yeah, what's a pervert?

Uh... Goodness. Yes...

He's a person
who does things in funny ways.

- Oh. Like a clown.
- Yes. Sort of like a clown.

I know. Did you ever play thumb war?

Here. Give me your hand.

One, two, three, four.
I declare a thumb war.

Now, my thumb chases yours. Yes?

Those people downstairs are funny,
aren't they?

They're idiots.
They think I'm going to save them.

- Ah. But you are not?
- Of course not.

I can't even cross
the road on my own yet.

- So why do they say that?
- They think I'm God's daughter.

Wow. And are you?

Of course not.
She's my daughter. Come here.

- Mum.
- It's OK. Mummy's OK.

You're alright.

You stay away from her.


I wish I had drugs.

Why would anyone do this naturally?

JAMIE: I think we're nearly there, OK?



It's OK. I think we're nearly there.


OK, this is the one. This is the one.
OK? I need you to push. Push.

Push. Push, push, push.
You can do it. You can do it.

This is it.
That's it, that's it, that's it.

Push, push, push, push, push, push...





What's the matter?

Breathe. You know you want to.

Come on, come on, come on.

This world's not so bad.

There's still stuff worth fighting for.
Yes, there is.

There is still stuff worth fighting for.

There is still stuff worth fighting for.

There is still stuff worth fighting for.
There's still...

- Oh, my God!

That's it, buddy.
You practice using those lungs. OK.

OK. Here.

Here we go.

- Here's Mummy.
- Oh.

SKYE: My son.

My little boy.

- He's awesome.
- Yeah, he is, isn't he?

- I mean, it's not just me, is it?
- No.

Oh, I don't...
I don't know what to say.

Thank you. Thank you, so much.

- Shh.
- JAMIE: Well...

Your hands are filthy.

Oh, what happened to your thing?

Your compulsive hand-washy thing.

I told you. I'm not Ariel.


Rajesh, hey.

Hey, buddy.
Rhonda told me to come and see you.

Sorry I didn't come earlier.
Work's been crazy.

How's things?

Well, I'm dying.

My son's been taken.

And the TV says that my wife is
being hunted down like a dog.

But other than that... great.

By the way, we're being watched.

You think he's a cop?

God, I shouldn't have come here.
This was such a big mistake.

You're visiting your brother-in-law.

It's the kind of thing
that normal people do.

Now, what the hell is going on?

She says she's coming back to DC.

Well, tell her not to.
How could she be so dumb?

I don't think that's quite the reaction
she's hoping for.

Why do you think
they're watching me, huh?

- Look, I've got to get back to work.
- Scotty, this... This comet.

- Is that you?
- No.

What makes you say that?

Come on.

I can't talk about it.

These scientists, is that just
a diversion to keep people calm?

RAJESH: I'm not asking for me.

I'm already dead.

But Rhonda needs to know.

It's going to be fine.


TANNOY: Dr Hendricks to Radiology.

SKYE: I owe you both a huge apology.

I'm really sorry.

Your brother really brings out
the worst in me.

We grew up on the commune together.
He was my first love, sadly.

Then he ran off with my best mate
when I was 18.

I haven't seen him since,
till you showed up.

With your identical love rat face.

SKYE: I just wanted to get my own back.

Like, shit him up a bit
for running off with Hawkwind.

Listen, take my advice.

Stay away from him.

Believe me, I would if I could.
But I need to find my wife.

Is she in danger?

- Is he dangerous?
- Um...

- Oh, shit. Shit.
- Wait. Calm down.

You don't even know
if she's with him for definite.

I can't help it.
I lost her for seven years,

and the thought of something bad
happening to her now

makes me feel sick.

I need her to be safe. I just...

need her to be safe.

I've got to get out of Poland. I'm fine.

I just need to get her
as far from these freaks as possible.

I repeat, I am not with the freaks.

Yeah, yeah. You tell yourself that.
You're just a different bunch of freaks,

buying a different load
of mystical bollocks.

CELINE: Who is that?

FRANKIE: My dad. He works in a bank.

Wow, that's nice.

- And who is this going into his bank?
- Your friend.

Sister Sophia.

- What did you say?
- Sophia? Your friend that died.

She says she's happy, and she's
getting a lot of knitting done.

But how do you now this?

Ever since waking up, I hear this voice.
It says I have to give you a message.

One day soon, you're going
to see four horses.

Awhite, a black, a red and a pale.

It says, "When you see them,
don't panic. It's all part of the plan."

Here. I want you to have this.
I put where I live at the bottom.

I don't think your mum would
want anyone to know that.

It's not for anyone. It's just for you.

DOCTOR: How are you going
to get out of Poland?

You are not fit to drive.
There are no flights.

JUDE: I have a plane.

Look, you've got to get out of here,
one way or the other.

A private plane is a lot better
than wandering around the streets.

We'll put you in a cab.
You can get a hotel and rest up,

and if something goes wrong,
then you can call a doctor.

Why are you being so nice?

- What do you want?
- Nothing.

You see that, quote,
"mystical bollocks" that I sell,

is actually big on helping people.

Even when they're acting
like fucking idiots.


- Are you really a priest?
- I believe in God. You don't.

It's fine. But I think we both know
that your daughter is not the savior.

Let me help you.

OK. How do we get past the freaks?

They're going to rip me apart.

He's a little bit smug, but still.
I mean, you would, right?

CROWD: Jane Doe. Jane Doe. Jane Doe.


I think we can safely say
it's a goner, Spike.

- How'd you know my name?
- Let's just say I'm a fan of yours.

And a friend of your mother's.

She... Did she speak to you today?

Shame. She said she was going to call,
let you know we were coming.

Did she send you to get me out of here?

- Who are you?
- Can you keep a secret?

- They call me the White Horse.
- Shut up!

The White Horse? As in Deus Ex?
Oh, wow. Cool.

Well, looks like we've got ourselves
a little mutual appreciation society.

You coming or what?

reveals her as an enemy of US interests.

ARIEL: With Rhonda McNeil
back beside us, we will...

- He's lying. I'm not with them.
- Save it for the cops.

ARIEL: Open your eyes, America.
There is no apocalypse.

They just want to control you.

RHONDA: If it's the reward you want...

It's not about money.
It's about right and wrong.

Exactly. And that man is wrong.

He wants my son.

So, it'd be real convenient for him
if I'm out of the way.

- You're helping him.
- I trusted you.

I took you in, fed you,
told you everything.

I just wanted something real
with another human being.

But you lied to me.


Oh, please.

Please, I'm begging you.



BUDDY: She's in the bathroom.

LEANNE: Freeze, McNeil,
or you are dead meat.



Hon, you might want to exercise
your right to remain silent.

Bitch went for me, sir... Ma'am.

Well, fucking rednecks. What are you
gonna do? Give 'em a ride?


There is a logical explanation for
everything that's happened here today.

- I see no evidence of a miracle.

JUDE: The girl has Lazarus syndrome.

A medically recognized condition, where
dead people seemingly come back to life.


There have been 38 cases since 1982.

They can't all be Jesus.



The child is not the savior.



That was cool.

Chaos in Poland this evening,

as footage emerges of an angry mob
assaulting a Catholic priest.

The mob, followers of a bizarre cult,
were enraged

when the priest publically challenged
their beliefs.

The whereabouts and condition
of the priest are unknown.

This is yet another worrying episode
of so-called apocalypse fever.

In other news...

You've been gone hours.

Where were you?

I saw your sister on the news.
Please tell me you are not helping her.

Oh, jeez, Scotty.

You know how many laws you just broke?

You know they're gonna be
watching your family,

seeing if she contacts anyone, right?

- Hm-hmm.
- So?

Yeah, I know.
I just went to see her husband.

- I think his room's being watched.
- Shit.

Shit. OK, uh... I can still contain this
if it stops right now.

What? So, you want me to turn
my back on my own sister?

No, I don't want that,

but you being under surveillance
just isn't gonna work.

We need total secrecy.
Anyone hears anything, we're screwed.

- She's my sister. She needs me.
- I need you.


I don't think I can do this.

- What?
- I'm sorry.

The bunker and the lying... It's...

It's wrong.

It's not wrong. And you can do it.

Scotty, it's not like we're benefitting.

If the world ends,
we're just as dead as everyone else.

Except we've got
the burden of knowledge.

They don't.

You're not the only one who's terrified.



- It's probably your sister.
- Yeah.


- I'm gonna take a shower.
- OK.

Come on, come on. Pick up.

This is Scotty. Leave me a message.

- Damn it.
- Oh, man. You know what?

I love being a cop.
I think I missed my calling.

Any time you want to thank me for saving
you, you can just chime right on in.

What should I thank you for?
For Tasering me? Or for abandoning me?


Let me get something straight.
I do not abandon my friends, ever.

When you was in that house
getting fed,

I was on my hands and knees
outside that window, watching over you.

And it's a good thing I did, too.

Otherwise, your ass would be on its way
back to jail right about now.

You were really there the whole time?

So, you know they're looking for me.

It would have been a lot safer
for you to just ditch me.

Well, that ain't me.

Look, I know in normal life,
you'd cross the road to avoid me,

but this ain't normal, hon.

We've got the whole world
gunning for us.

And I need just one person on my side.

So, how about it?


But could I be the cop for a while?

Oh, man.


Well, wait. I thought you said
we can't wear our prison fatigues.

Well, I ain't wearing that dress.

I mean, I know we're on the run,
but that is a no.

SKYE: So, you came to find Mary.

You know, I... grew up
on the commune with her.

She was like a second mum to me.
I mean, I can tell you

- everything you need to know.
- I don't think I want to know.

- Just where she is. That will do.
- Alright.

I just thought...

When I was like this,
she dumped me in a car park.

What kind of person does that?

To something this helpless?

And why ditch me, but keep my brother?

The fact is, she may have been
like a mother to you,

but she was nothing like one to me.

SPIKE: When can I call my mom?

- I need you to put these on first.
- Why?

Because I said so.

Aword of advice: Never leave
your webcam uncovered.

You ever heard
of a program called Facechaser?

No? It's because
the NSA doesn't want you to.

Facial recognition software. You scan
a photo of who you're looking for.

It monitors every security camera,
every webcam on Earth.

They go anywhere near a laptop
or an ATM... Bam, you've got 'em.

- And I want it.
- Why?

- Who are you trying to find?
- Afriend, who ran away.

You get me into the NSA,
you get me Facechaser,

and then we can talk
about your mum, OK?


JUDE: Let's go.

What happened? Are you OK?


That is the last time that I ever try
to use reason with an angry mob.

It's OK. It's over.

Keep moving, people.
There's nothing to see here.

It's all perfectly rational.

Yes. Perfectly rational.

SKYE: This was Mary's room.

It's the Rapture.
It took your mum 15 years.

The ones on a string and going to
heaven. The others are the damned.

The... Four Horsemen are somewhere.

- I think one of them broke, though.
- Look, there's the station. The shops.

I know. It's Slough.

There's the car park she left me in.

A little baby in a box.

Why are you showing me this?

Because it wouldn't be
fair to you not to.

You need to understand
before you meet her.

That's... where she lives now.

It's a private psychiatric clinic
in Scotland.

She was sectioned a few years ago.

It's in the Highlands.

Be honest with me.

Am I wasting my time?
And how gone is she?

- Will she even know where Ariel is?
- I don't know.

But if anyone knows how to find him,
it's Mary. I mean...

Someone's paying the bills
to keep her there.




God, this place depresses me.




Who are they?

And what do you want us
to do when we find them?