Xena: Warrior Princess (1995–2001): Season 2, Episode 6 - Warrior... Princess... Tramp - full transcript

She'll make a great queen one day.

As you will,
very soon, Diana.

Papa, please, don't talk like that.

You're gonna get better, I know it.

You must be strong.

I fear my time is very near.

And it's important that...

...the transition between my rule
and yours go smoothly.

I'm ready to do
whatever's needed of me.

I've sent for Xena.

In difficult times like these...



...it's good to have mighty friends close at hand.

And who's mightier than Xena?

I was the one chosen
to fight Callisto...

...because if there's anyone
mightier than Xena...

...it's Joxer, the Magnificent.

So I challenged Callisto
to pit her strength against mine.

She was a little hesitant at first,
understandably.

But then she came at me.

And I parried, dodged, dodged,
thrust, parried, parried!

And I spun around to... Hi, Gaby.

Go ahead, I'd love to hear the rest.

To... call Xena
to dispatch the villaness...

Which she did while I held off
the other members of Callisto's gang.

You know, I don't remember it
that way.



Well, that's because
you were tied up at the time.

So were you.

What are you doing here?

I heard that King Lias was dying
and he sent for Xena.

So I thought I might be of some help.

I don't think so.

But I'll be sure to ask her when I see her.

I already talked to her.

She's heading to the castle.

She told me to give her a little time
to settle in...

...and that I should follow.

What are you talking about?

Xena's in Thebes.

The message she sent to me
said that she wouldn't be her till tomorrow.

Wrong!
She was here an hour ago.

Now how could she
get here so fast?

I don't know.

But she was definitely here.

I guess I better
hurry up to catch up with her.

Yeah, and tell her not to worry.

I could tell when we parted company
this morning...

...that she was gonna miss
my affections.

What'd you do that for?

That's Xena's reputation you're playing with.

And that's going too far.

So anyway, there I was,
on the parapet...

Xena.

Diana.

Welcome.

Thank you for coming.

We didn't expect you so soon.

Well, I made good time.

I want you to meet Agis.

He was once the advisor
to King Cabnus of Thebes.

I trust him completely.

He'll be a great help to us all
in these difficult times.

If Xena trusts you, I trust you.

Welcome, sir.

I'm honored, Your Highness.

How's the king?

He's not well, Xena.

Oh, well... I'm sorry to hear that.

We'll get through this together.

Hello, Princess.

Gabrielle, welcome.

I'll have rooms prepared
for you all.

Guard, stay with Xena.

Her commands are to be obeyed
as though they came from the king himself.

Yes, Your Highness.

We need to work on communication here.

I thought you said we were gonna meet
at the tavern tomorrow.

And what hapened with Joxer
to make him think you were in love with him?

You have to watch
what you say to this guy.

He's a little crazy.

He had this whole bar
thinking you were some kind of low-life tramp.

Guard!

Throw this big-mouthed idiot in the dungeon!

Big-mouthed idiot?
Xena, Xena, Xena!

In the time of ancient gods...,

warlords

and kings,

a land in turmoil
cried out for a hero.

She was Xena.

A mighty princess

forged in the heat of battle.

The power.

The passion.

The danger.

Her courage will change the world.

XENA - WARRIOR PRINCESS

Ain't you ever heard of knockin?

Hey, that's no way
to treat a warrior princess.

Let me remind you
of reality, Meg.

You're a filthy tramp that I fished out of the gutter
because you look like Xena and Diana.

You're useful to me only
if you're a convincing thespian.

You never said nothing about
no kinky stuff.

Besides, I pulled it off so far today.

Oh, not quite.

You ordered Xena's best friend
thrown into a dungeon.

That the irritating blonde?

I can't see how Xena
can put up with her.

Don't worry, I'll fix it.

Yes, you will.

Because you're going to do
exactly what I say.

Fine.

This place is nice...

...but I bet Diana
has a real comfy set-up.

When do I get to be her?

When it's apporpriate
to make the switch. Very soon.

I want you acting as the princess
when Lias dies.

That way you can turn
the control of the army over to me right away.

Once I have command of the army,
I can launch an attack on Miridias...

...and sell their citizens
into slavery.

And that will only be the beginning
of a series of conquests.

Hey, Aggie, come here!

Look what the round thing does.

A chakram is a weapon, not a toy.

Well, what kind of damage
would a cheap wooden thing do anyway?

Ah, look, you broke it!

Fix it, put it back on your belt
and leave it there.

You need to visit
Xena's little friend.

"Big-mouthed idiot"...
Maybe it's a code.

Maybe it means something.

Maybe I'm gonna kill her.

Open up.

You had better have
a pretty good explanation for this.

Gabrielle, it's all part of the plan.

Well, will you tell me what the plan is?

Can't.

Oh, so I'm just supposed
to accept being thrown into a dungeon...

...and you won't tell me
what the plan is?

Gabrielle, have you ever had burning
splinters shoved under your fingernails?

No.

Ahah! I thought as much.

You see, the man we're after is known
to extract information using that method.

So the less you know,
the safer you'll be.

If he captures me,
he doesn't know that I don't know anything.

He's still going to put splinters
under my fingernails.

All the more reason why you should stay here.

You're less likely
to fall into his clutches that way.

I can take care of myself!

Now why are you treating me like a kid?

I thought we were passed that.

Well, we're not.

Oh, and don't try to contact Diana.

You'll only put her in danger.

She'll stay quiet.

Good.

Hey, Aggie.

My name's Agis.

Well, what do we do
when the real Xena gets here?

She won't.

There she is.

How's about you and me
have some fun?

No, thanks.

Oh, so now
you're playing hard to get.

Have you seen a young woman,
carrying a staff, about this high?

She left yesterday.

But there's no reason
why you should be lonely...

...when there's
healthy young men like us around.

Give us a kiss.

There she is!

Give me something strong.

Well, I take it you're not looking for a kiss.

No. I want your heart.

You're not my type.

So, Xena,
how's about that kiss, huh?

The name's Zena.

That's Zena with a capital Z.

Are you all right?

Yes. I was, I was
just practicing my new punch.

I'm only gonna say this one more time...

I'm a close personal friend of Xena's.

Listen, road block, step aside!

You're not getting into this castle.

So be smart and walk away
while you still can.

You still don't know
who you're dealing with, do you?

Don't make me hurt you.

Guard.

It's all right. He's with me.

You're a very lucky man.

Come in.

Have a seat.

What's the matter?

Listen, Xena, I've been thinking a lot
about something Gabrielle said to me.

What did that little brat say?

No, listen, Xena...

I've been sullying your reputation around town.

What are you talking about?

Listen, Xena, I told a bar-room full of guys
how intimate you and I got.

Well, there's nothing wrong
with a little publicity.

A little pub... No, no,
Xena. Listen. Listen! I...

I don't deserve you as a lover.

You're kidding, right?

Look, don't listen to anything Gabrielle says.

I'm seriously considering
having her executed.

What? No, no! Listen, listen!

I'm wrecking one of the great friendships!

Now... Ok, ok.
One of us has to be strong and...

It's... Listen. So I'll be outside your window,
should you need my sword at your service.

I need your sword
in my service right now.

Sword... Service. Yes. Look!

What am I? Nuts? Going in there?

What a lovely man.

Ok, ok. Be strong. Wow!

Be strong. You're Joxer.

You're Joxer, the Magnificent.

You're Joxer. You're...

Lost.

Oh, this is madness.

Do you really think a different dress
will weaken my manly resolve?

You're right.

Xena's kind of unpredictable, isn't she?

You're telling me?

How'd she get out here?

Diana, we have a real problem here.

I was attacked in a tavern
by a band of thugs.

Someone who obviously
didn't want me to get here.

Someone who wanted to take advantage
of the king's illness.

-We have to...
-Xena!

I just came from seeing my father.

He's slipping away.

Can't we talk about this later?

Sure. I'll talk to Philemon
about making the castle secure.

I'll be here if you need me.

Hey, Aggie, I thought you said
she wasn't gonna make it to the party.

Obviously something went wrong.

Well, you'd better be careful.
She looks tough.

How'd you like the tears?

Nice touch.

You know what to do with her.

Wait a minute.

So Diana and Xena
are exact lookalikes?

Right!

Oh, great! I insulted royalty.

I'm in big trouble.

But on the bright side,
Xena still has a thing for me.

Impossible! No offense, Joxer,
but you're just not her type.

She was certainy making do with my type.

Let me tell you what we did
in that tavern.

She gave me this.

That ain't all.

Ah, no! That's not necessary.

I wish I knew
what was wrong with her.

Well, it's simple, really.

She was struck by Cupid's arrow.

It's love, Gabrielle.

But don't worry.
I'm prepared to do the honorable thing.

Leave?

No, marry her.
We could all travel around together.

Xena and I could be
like a father and mother to you.

Guards!

Please! Please! Please!

I've got to get out of here!

Xena told me all about the plan.

What is the plan?

Can't say, but...
You'll have to stay here.

And she also explained that little
misunderstanding between you and I.

Forgive me, you're Highness.

I'm lower than rat droppings.

Oh, of course.

It was just an honest mistake.

Now, come with me.

Sorry, remember the plan?

What is the plan?

I'll tell you out here.

Oh, good.

You're gonna tell Joxer,
but you're not gonna tell me?

Xena's orders.

She's very fond of him, you know?

Wait, what's the plan?

That's the plan?

What do you think?

Good plan.

Your Highness.

Your Highness, it is time for the baby's nap.

Now, you know how she can't drift off
unless you sing a lullabye to her.

All right, all right.

Just go on up to the nursery
and I'll catch up with you there.

Wait for me in my room.

I won't be long.

If one of those bottles should happen to fall

63 bottles of beer on the wall

63 bottles of beer on the wall

63 bottles of beer

If one of those bottles should happen to fall

43 bottles of beer on the wall

You're mad, you devil.

Oh, Joxer, why should you deny yourself
to these needy women?

Joxer?

What are you doing here?

I... I hate to tell you this,
Xena, but...

All right, I might as well spit it out.

Princess Diana wants me.

She what?

Listen, I can see the pain on your face, but
really, there's plenty of me to go around.

And... There's no reason
why we can't be adults about this...

...and have a little fun.

Are you suicidal?

Oh, don't worry, Xena.

I got just what you need.

And plenty of it, too.

You got some explaining to do and
you can start by telling me where Gabrielle is.

In the dungeon, where you put her.

What?

What's the gripe, Aggie?

I've done everything just like you said.

And more... Try staying away
from that clown, Joxer.

I think he's cute.

You better not mess this up.

Look who's talking.

What does that mean?

You were supposed to keep the real Xena
away from here.

Last time I looked,
she was making herself quite at home.

You should hire
better people, Aggie.

Don't you talk to me that way.

A despiccable slag like you...

...should find it an honor
to work with a man like me.

And my name is Agis, not Aggie.

Take it easy now, Agis.

And you're gonna do exactly
like I say from now on, correct?

Exactly.

Good.

Well, don't just stand there. Move it!

Come on, Warrior Princess.

Take that! Ow, ah!

I know what the plan is.

You're trying to drive me insane!

Let's go.

Now, wait a minute.

Ok, I believe you when you say
that there's another look-alike here.

That would explain everything.

But how do I know that you're
the real Xena?

Yeah, how do we know you're the real Xena?

Hello, Xena.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Let's split up and
search the castle.

They may have hidden Diana here.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

How am I supposed to know
who the real Diana is?

Well, if you come across a woman,
and she looks exactly like me...

...and she displays any interest
in you whatsoever as a man...,

...that's the bad one.

She is bad, real bad.

Alcibiades.

Meg?

Yeah, of course, it's me.

Look what I found.

We found her snooping around.

Agis wants you to take her
to the same place you're hiding Diana.

And that way we'll have two cards
to play against Xena.

All right, hand me the rope.

Hey, I wanna come too.

Xena's figured this whole thing out.
I don't want to be around her any more.

I'm terrified of
that warrior witch.

And you know, maybe if you take me along,
then, we can relax a little later on.

Ah, sorry.

Had to make sure
you weren't Xena.

Bring her along.

Hey, boys!

All right.

How're you doing, Princess?

Not well.
I'll probably be dead soon.

Why's that?

Well, I've been sitting on this cold ground
almost the entire day.

Who could survive that?

A cold bottom isn't fatal.

Says you.

No, but if I have to listen
to you two blabber any more...

...somebody's gonna end up seriously dead.

Hey, boys,
let's toy with the brat a while.

If we can put Meg on the throne...,

...we will control the most powerful army
in Boecia.

Conquests you never dreamed of
are in our grasp...

...and you lead Xena
directly to our hideout.

What are we going to do about Xena?

Now that she has Diana...

...there's nothing stopping her
from coming after you.

There's still one card left to play.

My baby!

They took my baby!

This chamber is known
only to the royal family.

Good.

I want you and Philemon to stay here
until we can find your baby.

You can't expect me just to wait down here
when my child's life is in danger.

Your life is in danger too.

Philemon, I am asking you
to have faith in me.

This plan is our only way
to save your child.

Then we'll stay down here.

Philemon, we have
to trust Xena now.

She's our only hope.

Gabrielle, I want you to find Meg
and keep her in one place.

-I'll do the rest.
-Right.

Got you, sweety! Oh!

Hi, Xena.

Sorry, Joxer. Just a habit.

That's ok.

I've been keeping an eye out for you
for the fake Diana.

Her name's Meg.

Meg, huh? That's a pretty name.

You're not falling for her, are you?

Well, I've seen a different side of her.

I bet you have.

Hey, listen, I think she's just
a victim of circumstance.

She'll be a victim
of some more circumstances...

...when I get my hands on her.

And don't bother
keeping an eye on her anymore.

I've got Gabrielle on that.

Oh, you think she can do
a better job than I can.

This is not a competition.

You think that I'm a complete joke, don't you?

Princess, may I talk
to you, please?

Can't it wait?

No, it can't.

Yeah, a little more cleavage couldn't hurt.

Get out of my way.

Over my dead body.

That can be arranged.

Eat some fruit, baby.

Mercy. Mercy, please.

Tears are no good with me.

Look at you... Looking down at me...

Ah, that's all right.

I'm used to it.

Snotty brats like you
always hate girls like me.

What do you expect
with what you've been doing?

What was I supposed to do?

Agis said that he'd kill me
if I didn't do everything he said.

I suppose none of this is your fault,
is it?

I didn't say that.

It's all my fault.

My whole stinkin' life's my fault.

You know, I shouldn't feel
for you...

But you just, you look so much
like my best friend...

I don't want your pity.

I've been on my own since
I was 10 years old.

I'm tougher inside
than you'll ever be.

Since you were 10?

My father died in childbirth.

Your father died in childbirth...

Yeah. He got drunk and fell off the roof
when I was being born.

I always wondered
what it would be like to have a father.

Bet you had a good father.

Yeah, I guess I did.

But what about your mother?

One of her boyfriends
liked me too much.

So I ran away from home.

And then I found out the next year
that she had died.

And I was real sorry that I hadn't gone back
to say goodbye.

She was a rotten mother, you know?

She was fun.

Anyways, I loved her.

God, I hate it when I get like this.

This is not a party.

Will you get that into your head
while it's still attached to your shoulders?

Now that Diana's on the loose,
there's only one thing to do.

What's that?

Kill the king.

You can't assume the throne
until he's dead.

As long as we have the baby,
Diana and Xena won't do anything.

Lias is still surrounded
by loyal palace guards.

I want you to take him some poison.

-No.
-What?

No, I mean... Poison is too slow.

You can never be sure
if it's going to do the job.

I should... I should stab him.

I could hide the knife
under the baby's blanket...

...and pretend I was taking the little tyke
to see the old buzzard.

That's good. I like that. Go get the baby.

Are you all right?

No.

Why haven't you been to see me?

Sorry, Father,
I've been bothered by some things.

Well, nothing can give
the last few days of my life more worth...

...than to be able to comfort you.

I don't think you'd understand.

Ah, my sweet,
we've always shared...

...our hopes, our dreams,
our pains.

Don't draw away from me now.

If your soul has been darkened...

...let my love bring some light to you.

Here it is.

Hah! Xena! Let's take the baby!

Get the baby out of here!

The baby! Oh, no, no, no!

Hey, Meg!
He thinks you're Xena.

Kill the idiot.

No! No, no!

I brought your sword.

Come on, idiot!

The name's Joxer.

Come on! This way!

It's quicker.

What are you doing? It's me, Meg.

Then prove it. Kill him.

Do it! Go on! Do it!

You heard me. Kill him!

You slag! Do it!

No, and neither will you.

How dare you?

Xena!

Duck!

Missed me! Missed me again!

Well...

You're not my daughter, are you?

Not officially.

You're not Xena, either...

No.

Amazing.

You're on your own now, Pops.

Your little friend
just kicked my butt.

What chance do you think I stand against you?

Why don't you just kill me?

Go on, get it over and done with.

No, because I want you to stay here
and take care of the king.

No. No, see, you must not have been
paying attention.

I'm no good.

You got the king
to safety, I saw you.

Yeah, well, that was
my one good deed for the year.

Believe me, you don't want to be leaving
anybody's life in my hands.

I'm a low-life.

I don't care what you've done in your past.

Do good now and you are good.

Lock the door behind me when I leave...

...and cover him up.

A chill now could kill him.

You look so like my daughter...

It's remarkable.

Yes... Three women
who look so much alike...

...and yet inside, so different.

One's a warrior. And one's a princess.

One's a tramp.

Wait, no!

...And then I lived in Athens
for a while.

I actually did some honest work there.

I was a cook.

And you know,
I have quite a touch when it comes to spices.

You like spicy foods, Kingy?

King Lias? King Lias!

Put a rope up on that chandelier!

Tie the basket.

Hold it right there!

I'm coming to get that baby.

And anyone who tries to stop me
is going to eat my sword.

But wait!

I still have my round killing thing.

It's Diana!

Get her!

Run that basket up on the rope!

Just give me back my baby
and then you can go in peace.

Tie it off.

Now we'll see if she gives us
what we need.

Hold it right there!

In the blink of an eye I can split
the skull of anyone who moves...

...with my trusty...

...Shamrock.

Grab her! It's Meg!

Guess which one I am.

Give me that.

What's going on?

Stay down.

I'm glad that's over.

Gab, the baby!

Hey, Princess!

I just came from seeing your father.

Which one are you?

I'm Xena.

Diana?

Oh, Papa!

I sure hope he pulls through.

He's a good man.

I might even write him from jail,
if I knew how to write.

Well, if it were up to me,
I'd give you another chance.

I'd set you free.

Yeah, you're a softy.

He's going to be fine.

He may live on for years, yet.

Meg, he wants to talk to you.

They told me about the plot
you were mixed up in.

You were right.

You've done some very bad things.

Well, I told you... I'm trash.

Stop it.

I don't ever want to hear anyone say things
like that about my personal cook.

You're not kidding me, are you, Kingy?

Not at all. Oh, by the way,
I do like spices.

Well, I'm about as spicy
as you can get.

Thanks, King Lias.

I won't let you down.

So...

So long, Xena.

Goodbye, Meg.

It was fun being you for a while.

Just don't do it again in a hurry.

Hey, Meg!

Learn to read
so I can write to you.

Yeah, maybe I'll just do that.

Get, get going, get going.

Well... So long, Meg.

So long, Joxer.

Ditch the broads and double back.

I'll leave the kitchen door
open for you.

Right.

Hey, Xena, Gabrielle, wait up!

I... Listen! I got
some things to... attend to.

Fine.

So, I won't be able to join you.

That's ok.

You sure?

'Cause I know how much you need
a real warrior to watch your back, you know.

Joxer, she won't wait forever.

Subtitles: @marlonrock1986 (^^V^^)