Xena: Warrior Princess (1995–2001): Season 2, Episode 5 - Return of Callisto - full transcript

When Callisto escapes from prison, she builds an army of evil and sends Joxer to tell Xena that she's going to continue killing. Perdicus marries Gabrielle, but Callisto interrupts their honeymoon.

All right, time to eat, pigs!

Each of the animals gets a ladleful.

Hey! What do yo say, pig?

Thank you.

You got to demand their respect.

They're all murderers,
thieves and perverts.

The toughest,
baddest men around.

If you get soft with them
for a moment...

...they'll cut your throat.

Now this one is a very,
very special case.

Watch what I do.



Fill 'er up.

What do you say?

Why is she in that contraption?

That's Callisto.

She's the worst of the worst.

Already crippled three guards.

Never let her out of that thing.

Come on, what do you say?

I say, before I kill you...,

...I'm going to make you squeal like a pig,
you fat, pathetic piece of dung.

I've put up with your lip for too long.

Now, what do you got to say?

Thank you.

See, respect, I demand it, I get it.



This is my lucky night.

Luck be a lady tonight!

You lose.

Get her!

Callisto! Callisto! Callisto! Callisto!

Here, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy.

Let them all out.

The healthy ones...

...will be the beginning of our new army.

And the weak ones...

Put them out of their misery.

Theodorus... Bring that with you.

I know someone it will look perfect on.

Callisto! Callisto! Callisto! Callisto!

In the time of ancient gods...,

warlords

and kings,

a land in turmoil
cried out for a hero.

She was Xena.

A mighty princess

forged in the heat of battle.

The power.

The passion.

The danger.

Her courage will change the world.

XENA - WARRIOR PRINCESS

Hello, Perdicus.

Not the smartest way to pay us a visit.

Perdicus!

I just had to see something.

What?

Your face.

I haven't stopped thinking about you
since the last time I saw you.

Gabrielle, we've always been close.

You were my closest friend.

And, well...

Gabrielle...

Will you be my wife?

What have you been doing since you left Troy?

Fighting.

That's all I've been doing, it seems.

After Troy, I wandered
into another war.

One day, I killed three men.

I started to have dreams about...

...all the men whose lives I'd taken.

I couldn't stand it.

One night...

...I had my dagger
at my heart.

Then I saw something.

What?

Your face.

Perdicus...

I don't know if I'm really who you think I am.

I mean, I fight.

But you never kill.

I know that.

Gabrielle, we were to be married once.

And you decided that
that wasn't to be.

And you were right.

You were right.
I wasn't ready, either.

But I am now.

I love you.

And if you'll take me...

...I want you to be my wife.

I'm sorry. I... Just
excuse me... Ok?

The barrel's ribbed with iron.

I know that!

That's why I chose it.

Anybody can split
an ordinary barrel in two.

But Joxer, the Magnificent,
chose an iron-ribbed one!

You see? I like the challenge of
choosing the hardest opponents, huh?

The toughest...

The most vicious opponents.

Like them.

Right, just...
Whoa! Whoa! Callisto!

Don't make me hurt you.

Joxer... The last time I saw you,
you wanted to join my army...

...and now you want to fight me?

I am so disappointed.

Well, I turned good, just like Xena.

Yeah? Well, I haven't.

Be a dear and deliver a message
to the good Xena for me, will you?

Sure.

Tell her this...

She should have killed me
when she had the chance.

For every drop of innocent blood
I shed from here on out...

...is on her hands
as well as mine.

Ok.

Good boy.

Come.

Bye.

So, what's your answer?

No, of course.

Why don't you tell him?

I'm waiting for the right time.

He's a good man.

He is. He's so sensitive and kind...

You know, I've never known anyone
that I've ever been so comfortable around...

...besides you.

Look, Gabrielle,
if it's me you're worried about...,

...let me set your mind at rest.

Seeing you happy will make me happy.

And if that means
settling down with Perdicus...,

...then you have my blessing.

Xena! Xena!

It's Callisto!

She's out!

I've missed you, Xena.

You never wrote.

Don't move, pretty.

That sentimental side of you
is a real problem now, isn't it?

You fight with your heart.

That gives me advantage over you.

I no longer seem to have one.

I'm not gonna kill you now, oh, no.

First I'm going to kill your soul...

...just like you killed mine.

See you soon, my sweet.

Help!

Help! My baby!

-Gabrielle!
-Thanks!

I can't do this anymore.

If you don't wanna come with me...

...it's not gonna change
the way I feel about you.

I love you more than anything.

But I'm done fighting.

-I'm going home.
-But...

Where's he going?

The answer's yes, Xena.

I'm gonna marry him.

May the winds bring forth also good fortune.

May the same force that molded
the beauty of these rose petals...

...bless your union
for eternity.

I love you, Gabrielle.

I'm so happy...

Oh, Xena.

Congratulations.

Xena.

Perdicus, congratulations.

Thank you.

Xena.

Before we go, I need to speak with Xena.

-I'm sorry.
-Take your time.

Joxer.

Take a walk.

Oh, right.

Hey, Perdicus.

I'm so happy for you.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

Hey, it's not like we'll never see one another again.

I'll visit you all the time.

You promise?

I'll be knocking on your door so often,
you'll be sick of me.

Never.

Listen...

You know, I think I fell in love with him
at Troy.

No kidding.

Gabrielle...

I am not going to let you say goodbye.

That's not what this is.

We'll see one another again soon.

You ready, sweetheart? Shall we?

Goodbye, Gabrielle.

You're gonna miss her, aren't you?

Yeah... I'm more worried about
her missing me, though.

She's gonna be all alone. I have you.

That makes you happy?

Very.

If we have a daughter,
do you think we can name...

Xena?

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Perdicus?

I've... I've never been
with a man before.

Have you? Been with women?

Well, I was a soldier and...

I don't need to hear anymore.

Does that bother you?

That I've... I've been
with other women?

A little.

But I guess one of us
should be good at it.

I never said that I was good at it.

Hello, Theodorus.

We've been through all this before.

But in case you don't remember the details...

...you'll be dead in seconds
if you don't tell me where Callisto is.

I don't know where she is.

Wrong answer.

That's the truth!

She left hours ago.

Come on, Theodorus.

She knew I was coming.

She's much too good a hostess
not to be here to greet me.

I'm telling you the truth.

When I told her you were
travelling without Gabrielle...

...she said "perfect" and left.

Perdicus...

I know what love is now.

It's life.

Everything is united by love alone.

Love, love, love, love.

Oh, it unites, you're right.

And hate divides.

Let's see which one's stronger, shall we?

What do you want?

We're unarmed.

Good. That makes things
simple then, doesn't it?

Perdicus!

Perdicus?

Nighty-night.

I longed to see you wailing
over the body of your friend.

Well, it's not going to happen.

No!

No!

Perdicus.

That'll do.

No, Perdicus! Oh! No!

Xena!

Oh, no! Oh, no, no!

Perdicus.

That's the last one.

What do you mean?

From here on out...

...all I want on my hands
is Callisto's blood.

Gabrielle, leave Callisto to me.

You need time to mourn.

I have the rest of my life to mourn.

I want to see her dead.

Gabrielle...

In the morning, I'm going after her.

Now, the question is...

Are you going to come with me or not?

Gabrielle.

Is is time?

Yes.

I'm ready.

Gabrielle, when we find her...

...don't go up against her one on one.

You'll be dead in seconds.

If she dies with me, that'll be fine.

Not with me, it won't.

Besides, she'd chop you into little pieces
before you even struck a first blow.

That's because you never taught me
how to use a sword.

Now, that's going to change, right now.

I want a lesson.

No.

Why?

Because I won't help you destroy
all the ideals that you live by.

My ideals were a lie.

I thought love was
the strongest power on Earth.

What a fool.

Love is helpless in the face of cruelty.

Gabrielle, if you're taken over
by hatred, Callisto wins.

I've got news for you, Xena.

She's already won.

Now, show me how to use a sword.

Not a chance.

Xena!

Teach me.

No.

Teach me.

Teach me!

Teach me!

I won't do it.

Xena, wake up and look around you!

The little innocent Gabrielle is dead
and there's no getting her back.

Just teach me how to use a sword
so at least I stand a fighting chance.

Please.

All right, pick it up.

First thing,
is that your sword is not a staff.

You have to learn how to parry
so you can look for an opening.

And keep eye contact.

That's how you anticipate the next move.

Ok.

Again.

Again.

Again!

I'm gonna kill her.

Again!

Teach me.

Teach me!

Teach me.

Again. Again!

Teach me how to kill her, Xena.

I'm gonna cut her open and watch her bleed.

I'm gonna kill her, Xena!

Teach me how to kill her.

A beverage, my queen.

You know I don't drink intoxicants, Theodorus.

I thought maybe just this once.

No. I like to experience life
in all its agonizing glory.

I don't want to dull the sensations
in any way.

What?

You're not falling in love with me, are you?

And what if I was?

I'd have to kill you.

Love is a trick that nature plays
to get us to reproduce.

I want no part of it.

Where is she?

She should be back by now.

I'm going.

No, you're not.

They're haveing a party up there.

If we wait until dawn,
half of them will be passed out.

And then I'm going in after Callisto.

I found an unguarded passage.

What am I supposed to do?

Stay here.

If Callisto comes out,
I won't be far behind...

...and don't try and take her on one.

I don't think so.

Listen, if you really want Callisto
to get what's coming to her...,

...you do it my way.

If anyone's listening...

...you know, I'm not much for praying.

But I don't know what else to do.

I was ready to give up once...

...and Gabrielle came into my life.

Please...

Don't let that light
that shines out of her face go out.

I couldn't stand
the darkness that would follow.

Xena...

Yeah?

You were right.

I need to mourn.

I'm going home.

Yeah, that's the best thing to do.

Rest...

Grieve.

I'll take care of Callisto, I promise.

I know.

But if you don't mind,
I think I'll set out right now.

Ok.

Goodbye.

It's time.

You know, Xena, I know you don't think
very much of me and that's fine.

But I care
about Gabrielle, too.

And I would do anything
to avenge her loss...

...including sacrificing
my own life.

You've got a good heart, Joxer.

But take my advice
and keep it far away from Callisto.

No, look. You promise me.

If something happens to me,
you will not become a monster.

But you never kill.

I know that.

I love you.

Don't let that light
that shines out of her face go out.

I don't understand you.

After all I did
you still can't kill me.

I won't take a life, even yours.

I'd rather die.

Oh, but you will.

Get it over with.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm going to make a grand show
of your death.

And I'll need an audience
who will truly appreciate it.

Don't move!

Welcome.

It's a nice fit, don't you think?

Don't get too fond of it.

How are you gonna
get out of this one, Xena?

It ain't over till it's over.

Oh, but it will be, soon.

You're about to watch the friendship
of your life go up in smoke.

I envy her in a way.

She gets to leave this life so pure...

I wonder if I could
have been her.

Burn her.

Oh, don't bother struggling, Xena.

Be thankful for that beautiful throne.

It'll give you peace, if you let it.

I'm coming, Xena!

What could you possibly have been thinking?

I'm here to save my friends.

That's all it'll take.

She's escaping!

Don't just stand there,
get her!

Run for your lives!

Somebody stop her!

Run!

Get away while you can!

Oh, how I do love watching you work.

Looks like we're at a standstill.

How good are you at chariots, Xena?

Get her, Xena!

Get on, yah!

Callisto!

Enjoying the ride, Xena?

Want to go faster?

We're both gonna die, Xena.

How wonderful.

We can spend the rest of eternity
in Tartarus, together.

Always the optimist...

Oh, you're good, Xena.

Xena, help me.
Xena! Xena...

Please, Xena.

Help me, please.

You can't just let me die,
Xena.

Xena. Xena?

I'm counting on you.

Help me. Help me!

Help me!

Xena!

Honestly, how bad is it?

Terminal.

No, really?

Not bad.
But it'll leave a nice scar.

Yep, Joxer, you're a brave man.

Yeah, I mean, yeah.

You know, Xena, I was thinking.

A warrior of my quality
should let you off the hook.

I'm setting off on my own.

I'm sorry.

I'll live.

Joxer...

The Good.

The Warm.

Joxer, the Valiant.

What were you doing?

Loving him.

He'll hear your thoughts.

I know... Forever and ever.

This episode is dedicated to the memory of
Michelle Calvert... we're thinking of you.

Subtitles: @marlonrock1986 (^^V^^)