Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 9 - Episode #9.9 - full transcript
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening
and welcome to Would I Lie To You?
The show where honesty is never
the best policy.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
a comedian who studied
quasi-zero dimensional and mesoscopic
electrical systems at university.
Just to explain that to Lee.
University, it's like a school
for grown-ups.
Ben Miller!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a comedian who used to
work in a German sausage factory.
He said the "wurst"
part was delicious.
LAUGHTER
Henning Wehn!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's team
tonight, an actress
currently starring in the sitcom
Plebs, set in ancient Rome,
where she enjoys being attended to
by slaves and taking part in orgies.
I'm afraid tonight it's just
a box of Twiglets.
Doon Mackichan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a man who has a degree in sports
journalism. It's a 2-2.
It would have been a 2-1 but they
equalised in the last minute.
From The Last Leg, Alex Brooker.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And so to Round One, Home Truths,
where our panellists each
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've
never seen the card before,
they've no idea what they'll
be faced with.
And it's up to the opposing team to
sort the fact from the fiction.
Ben is first up tonight.
Please reveal all.
Aside from my friend Mark Park,
I have...
LAUGHTER
HENNING:
LAUGHTER
..I have three other good friends
whose names rhyme.
LAUGHTER
Let's not rush any questions, David.
Just, never mind rushing about.
You take your time, you take your
time.
LAUGHTER
Richard Pritchard.
LAUGHTER
That rhymes, to be fair that is one.
Mark Park.
No, we've had Mark Park. There's
three, three other friends on top of
Mark Park.
Richard Pritchard.
You need two more.
Dave Clave.
Dave Clave.
Yeah.
Angie Ranji.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
And what's Richard Pritchard's job?
How do you know him?
He's... Oh, I know him from school,
and he's a quantity surveyor.
How do you know Angie Ranji?
Where'd you meet her?
LAUGHTER
Well, funnily enough,
she was in an acting class with me
on the Isle of Wight.
Where did you run into Dave Clave?
Please say at a rave.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I was in a band with him,
he played drums.
So, all of these people have
lived their lives with matching
forenames, surnames. Have
none of them ever, like, said,
"Do you know what, I think this
sounds ridiculous, I might change
it"?
Well, Richard hasn't because, you
know, it's a common Welsh name.
It is particularly common
to have the first...same first
name as your surname.
Yes. Hugh Hughes.
Yeah.
Bet you're wishing you
thought of them earlier.
LAUGHTER
These friends of yours,
are they in a small social circle?
For example, has Richard Pritchard
ever met Angie Ranji?
Dave Clave has met
Richard Pritchard.
LAUGHTER
Under what circumstances?
Why didn't Angie Ranji go?
I was in a production
of Twelfth Night with
Angie Ranji on the Isle of Wight
and we only knew each other for the
period of one summer in about 1991.
She was a friend of mine,
but she wasn't at my 40th birthday.
Whereas Dave and Richard were.
And why did Mark Park not make
the birthday party, then?
We're just not that close a friend.
So why do you think you
and Mark have never really...?
LAUGHTER
Well, Mark, quantity survey...
You know, I guess...
I thought Richard Pritchard was
a quantity surveyor.
What's Richard Pritchard again?
He's a chartered surveyor.
Are they in a practice,
Park and Pritchard?
LAUGHTER
Does this have the ring of truth?
Do you know, it did before the
quantity surveyor. I think...
I think he said Richard Pritchard
was the quantity...
was the something surveyor.
He said chartered surveyor
for Richard Pritchard.
Now we've got a quantity surveyor.
For Mark Park. But if the surveyors
thing is... If Ben has planted that
surveyor
doubt in our minds, then that's
so brilliant it deserves a point.
So you're going to say?
Lie. Saying it's a lie.
Ben. Truth or lie.
It is...a...
lie.
APPLAUSE
It's a lie. Ben doesn't have four
good friends whose names rhyme.
And, Henning, you're next.
I was once arrested by border
guards for illegally entering
another country.
LAUGHTER
David's team, what do you think?
Which, which country?
LAUGHTER
It was in the mid '90s.
That's not a country.
LAUGHTER
And it was in Eastern Europe,
so they changed names very quickly.
So I'm not sure,
it was either Czech Republic or
Czechoslovakia, I don't know which.
..dissolution it was at. Yeah.
And what was the problem?
Where had you left your passport?
At home.
LAUGHTER
Who were you with, by the way?
Were you on your own or...?
No, I was with a friend from back
home. Pit.
A friend from the pit?
No, with a person called Pit.
Is that his real name,
or is that a nickname?
Pete.
No P... P-I-T.
Like, like Brad Pitt,
but Pit as his first name.
DOON:
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
We were travelling on something that
was called
Schnes-Wochenende-Ticket and...
That's German for National Express.
LAUGHTER
No, it is German for
"You can use any train you like...as
long as it's a slow train."
LAUGHTER
We have that system with
all of our trains.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
OK, so you get off the train
at the border.
Is it at that moment that you
realise you don't have your
passport?
So we wanted to go into
Czech...Czechoslovakia. So I didn't
have my passport, so the obvious
thing to do is don't go across where
the border guards are...
but go a mile
off into the fields...
LAUGHTER
..and cross there. If then someone
wants to see your passport, you say,
"Oh, I must have lost it."
LAUGHTER
Roughly how far into Czechoslovakia,
in whatever form it was, were you?
I was about, give or take, a mile.
I see in the distance, I see like
two lights, two white lights,
they're getting bigger
and bigger and bigger.
And then I realised it's a Jeep, and
then they're driving towards us.
Oh, I'm quite gripped by this story.
The Jeep then just stopped, and then
there is four people jumping
out with automatic rifles and dogs.
Automatic dogs?
LAUGHTER
What sort of dogs were they?
I didn't ask for their names.
Neither did Alex.
LAUGHTER
They were terrifying dogs, probably
Alsatians or something.
What happened, they're all
around you? So what did they say?
They all jump out with their
rifles, don't they? And then saying,
"Oh, ve, ve, ve, ve" of whatever
their language is, so...
LAUGHTER
Yeah, and then we had to
get in the Jeep and...and we were
driving off into Czechoslovakia
and then we ended up in some woods.
One of them jumps out,
opens a gate that
I didn't even see was there. Then
there is some little wooden hut.
And there was someone in there
that spoke German.
We got on well with that fella,
and our excuse was, let me say,
"We had no idea that we'd
crossed the border."
So then
they didn't fully buy it,
but they knew there was little
point executing us.
LAUGHTER
What happens then?
And now the funny story begins.
LAUGHTER
They said,
"You'll have to pay a penalty."
Oh, the Germans and penalties.
Not again.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Never again, please.
Then the Czechs drove us back
to the German border, handed us
over to the German border guards,
and then they congratulated us on
being the first illegal immigrants
from Germany into Czechoslovakia.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Well, there we are.
David what are you and your team
thinking?
It's the travel card thing.
LAUGHTER
It's just, it just seems right.
I think, on an emotional level,
having spent
long hearing that story...
LAUGHTER
..we need it to be true, we need
something.
We need it to be true
because a lot of our life
went into that.
So you're going to say true.
You're saying it's true.
Henning, truth or lie?
Well, that story is actually...
true.
APPLAUSE
Yes, that was true,
Henning did get arrested for
illegally entering another country.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery
guest who has a close connection to
one of our panellists.
Now this week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine
connection to the guest,
and it's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Nicola.
APPLAUSE
So, Ben, first of all,
what is Nicola to you?
Ah, this is Nicola and she taught me
how to talk to crows.
Henning, how do you know Nicola?
This is Nicola, and I told my
parents to sack her as my
baby-sitter
because she failed to read my
bedtime stories with enough emotion.
And finally, Lee, your relationship
with Nicola.
This is Nicola.
I once chased
her for 40 miles down the M3
because I thought she'd
stolen my phone.
David's team, where to begin?
So, Ben, why did you need to
talk to crows?
Um, because...
Well, I'm writing a book...
and...
And my publisher is a crow!
LAUGHTER
And it's a book about aliens,
so I got interested
in the idea of communicating with
other intelligences.
Then I thought, "Are there any
animals on Earth that we can
already,
"that we can...can communicate
with?" And I found out that Nicola
was an expert on crows and had
discovered they're very intelligent.
So what sort of thing have you
learnt to say to crows?
Um, well, we're only really at the
basic sort of introductory...
What, like greetings,
like, "Hello, how are you?"
"Take me to your leader."
LAUGHTER
How to present yourself to a crow.
How do you present
yourself to a crow?
So you go...
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
"How are you, crow? Hello, hello."
That's what Nicola has been
teaching you?
LAUGHTER
That's... That's how you talk to
crows?
You do that with your head and you
go, "Hello, crow, how are you?
"Hello."
When's your next lesson?
When you'll be learning how to say
goodbye to a crow.
LAUGHTER
I've got a hunch about what
it might be.
LAUGHTER
Right, David,
who would you like to move on to?
Henning, what was wrong with
the bedtime story?
I didn't enjoy the way
she read the bedside story to me.
What sort of stories?
Give us an example.
She was reading Hansel And Gretel
to me, and then the witch ends
up in the oven. And she read
that in a very compassionate way.
Yeah.
And the good thing at that point is
all about the witch got what
she had coming, and that's how
I liked the story read to me.
LAUGHTER
You didn't like any complexity
in the character...
No, I like the complexity but I
don't like the compassion towards
the witch because she's a witch.
LAUGHTER
OK, so Hansel and Gretel shove
the witch in the oven,
slam the door, turn it up to...
gas mark six.
No, no, always, always preheat
the oven before cooking in it.
LAUGHTER
preheated. OK.
Slam the door, turn it up,
and then walk out into the forest.
How did
she mis-deliver that line?
Well, it was in German
so it was like...
Is she German?
Ah.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Nicola's a classic
German name, innit?
Nicola. Nicola Schmidt.
LAUGHTER
So she was... What, she was just,
she was what,
weeping for the witch or what?
LEE LAUGHS
What's...
LAUGHTER
I don't want to have to say this now
but I just didn't overly like her.
LAUGHTER
That's obviously not how
I told it to my parents, innit?
I said to my parents, I said,
"Yeah, she didn't put any butter
on the bread and all that business,
"and didn't give me
anything to drink," so I mean, ah...
LAUGHTER
I stuck her in the oven.
LAUGHTER
OK. What about Lee?
Oh, Lee's is not true.
LAUGHTER
So...
how did you come to the mistaken
belief that she'd stolen your phone?
Well, it's an interesting story.
LAUGHTER
I was on the border
of Czechoslovakia.
LAUGHTER
I was...I was in a restaurant
with my wife and children
and we left the restaurant
and we got back to the house
and I suddenly realised
my mobile phone was missing.
So I thought... We came to the
conclusion that my two-year-old
who's always picking things up
and running round tables
cos, you know, I'm not a good parent
and they can run
around in restaurants,
had picked it up
and done something with it
and so I looked at my iPad
which has a thing on it
where it tells you
where your phone is.
An app if you've lost your phone,
so I pressed that.
You looked at your tablet, didn't
you, as opposed to a specific...?
Oh, as opposed to a specific one?
Sorry, I looked at my "tablet",
which I'd previously bought from
Currys.
LAUGHTER
So I decided... I've got one of
these hand-held devices,
let's call it a tablet,
and on this tablet it tells you
where your phone is.
Like, like an iPad?
LAUGHTER
So I checked the app,
and sure enough,
my phone was
doing the little blinky thing
and it was in a street
not too far from the restaurant.
So I thought, "Oh, well, maybe my
child hasn't taken the phone at all,
"maybe it's been stolen."
So I rung my mate up straight away
because I'm a coward,
I didn't want to go on my own.
So he held the iPad.
We drove off, we followed
the little dot
but then when we got close,
the dot started moving,
so we have to follow the dot,
the dot gets on the M3 and
we're following the dot on the M3
and we travel for about 40 miles.
But Nicola could have noticed you
in the rear-view mirror saying,
"I'm being followed
by two weird men."
I think you'll find on motorways,
you're often followed by
the same car for quite a while.
How paranoid are you?
"He's been behind us
for the last five minutes."
"We're on a motorway, David."
"I know, but something's not right.
"There's one beside me now!"
LAUGHTER
You were...
And I was chasing the dot
for a long time.
When we were probably about five
miles away from the dot,
because the dot was
racing off ahead, we raced after.
Stopped, and we sussed out that it
was a service station on the M3.
So we pulled into
the service station
and that's when
the next thing happened.
Give me a minute.
LAUGHTER
How could you tell which of the many
cars parked in the service station?
I wish I had a very good answer.
Ah.
Very clever.
And it's at that point
we see a woman getting out of a car
looking confused and then looking
inside a bag, a shopping bag,
takes the phone out,
and at this point I think,
that's my phone,
and she looks innocent
cos she's looking all confused.
To which I go over,
I say, "That's my phone,"
and she said, "I honest to God have
no idea how it got in there."
And then I start thinking,
the two-year-old did pick it up
and put it in a bag and
so ends the case for the defence.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Thank you. Thank you.
Right, we need an answer.
So, David's team,
is Nicola Ben's bird botherer,
Henning's boring baby-sitter,
or Lee's phone pincher?
What do you think?
I've got a funny feeling
about the crows.
Yeah, I love the idea that you're
spending your free time wiggling
LAUGHTER
Talking in a high-pitched voice.
So, sorry, you two are leaning
towards believing the crow story?
LAUGHTER
I'm finding the crow story
the least convincing.
At the moment.
I'm not saying it's impossible.
Do you believe Lee?
As a matter of principle, no.
LAUGHTER
I think it's probably Henning.
I think Henning's the sort of...
could have been the sort of vicious
little child...
LAUGHTER
..who would have a
baby-sitter summarily dismissed
for no good reason at all.
Which way are you going, Alex?
Do you know what, I'm going to
stick my neck on the line.
I think Lee.
Yeah.
Doon?
Er...I initially thought it was Lee.
Completely from the very beginning
when I heard the three things,
I went, "It's definitely Lee."
I'm not going to overrule.
I wouldn't be surprised
if it was Henning.
You're saying it's Lee,
with a little suspicion
that it's Henning. OK.
Nicola, would you please
reveal your true identity?
My name is Nicola,
and I taught Ben
how to talk to crows!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Brilliant.
Thank you very much, Nicola.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies, and we start with...
It's David.
I recently shooed a fox out of the
garden by squirting it with water.
Five minutes later,
I watched in horror as it returned
with its brother
and ate my plimsoll.
LAUGHTER
Lee's team, what do you think?
I've never heard anything
so middle-class in all my life.
LAUGHTER
I want to picture it,
so you're in your house,
and you see the fox in the garden.
Now you don't,
with the greatest respect,
you don't strike me
as overly nimble.
LAUGHTER
No, I'm not overly nimble,
but I'm just nimble enough.
Between 1 and 10,
how quickly were you in the garden?
I went out in the garden
at top speed for me,
which I'm afraid is now 6.7.
LAUGHTER
Anyway, you come out into the garden,
you've got the hose, you see the fox.
And he sort of moves away a bit,
shows some,
a certain degree of fear
of the alpha predator.
He sees me and thinks, "Do you know,
I think I'm safe with this guy",
and I thought,
"Well, I can't have this,
"I can't have the
fox thinking it's won.
"If I lose my power
to frighten off foxes, what am I?"
Can I answer that?
LAUGHTER
So I, you know, I grabbed,
I grabbed my hose,
and I, you know,
swizzle some water at them.
I don't want to soak
the poor creature.
Did you put your thumb on the end?
So I did put my thumb on the end
and I directed some water,
sort of towards the lawn
just kind of between him and me,
and that's enough.
He's off.
I bet he went, after the fox went
off, I bet he went...
Yeah, yeah.
LAUGHTER
Look round sheepishly and thought,
"I better get those plimsolls."
Are you in your pyjamas?
I was wearing normal clothes.
Well, David, we have a different
opinion of what normal clothes are.
LAUGHTER
It was black tie, not white tie.
LAUGHTER
So in a nutshell, you had a fox
in your garden, you come out,
water the thing out the garden,
then a little while later
it comes back.
Two of them.
Now, where are you at this point?
Right.
Noticing they've come back in the
garden, thinking, "Dear, oh, dear."
There was deer there as well?
LAUGHTER
And then the fox...
And then one of the foxes goes
and grabs this plimsoll
Why?
LAUGHTER
Tiny suggestion. Why don't you keep
the plimsolls near the back door
so you don't have to get your feet
wet if it's raining?
You're full of...
home improvement ideas!
And I don't, I don't know,
cos I'm a moron.
LAUGHTER
I don't know. I don't speak fox.
LAUGHTER
If you wanted to do a proper
impression of a fox,
I know a woman, who,
providing you're a tad gullible,
will show you exactly...
LAUGHTER
So I said...
HIGH-PITCHED:
LAUGHTER
I'm trying to communicate with you.
And you could stop
pooing on my lawn.
LAUGHTER
Right, Lee, what are you thinking?
Fundamentally, no Englishman leaves
a pair of plimsolls
as his garden footwear and keeps
them by a shed.
So, you're saying its...
It's a lie.
HENNING:
Well, I'll go with my team,
even though I think it's true.
Saying it's a lie. OK, David.
Squirting foxes in the garden.
Truth or lie?
It is...
a lie.
APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Thought it was a lie.
Yes, it's a lie. David didn't squirt
water at a fox
only for it to return
and eat his plimsoll.
Next...
It's Doon.
On the advice of an optician,
I often walk with one eye open
and one eye shut.
That way one of my eyes
is always having a rest.
LAUGHTER
Lee?
Well, it's sensible.
Even if she isn't doing it,
she should.
I will from now on.
LAUGHTER
When you say a rest,
you mean just to give your eye
a rest
or because you're having problems
with your eyes?
No, just to rest the eyes,
so, because I don't wear glasses
and I don't want to wear glasses,
so to exercise the eyes,
it's good to just cover one eye.
Now I have worn a patch,
and just thought I look ridiculous.
But that doesn't make sense.
A doctor wouldn't say to me,
"I don't want to end up in
a wheelchair." "Oh, in that case,
hop on different legs."
LAUGHTER
Don't you feel you strain
your one eye that's still open?
Well, apparently not,
if you've got a slight stigmatism,
so I didn't... Yes, I have got a
slight stigmatism in my left...
I thought it was called
an astigmatism.
Oh, well, then I heard it wrong.
Yeah, but you call it "a sausage,"
the thing isn't "asausage," is it?
There's sausage, a sausage.
Stigmatism, a stigmatism.
You've got astigmatism.
You've got asausage.
LAUGHTER
No, no, no, Ben is right, Ben went to
Cambridge, it's an astigmatism.
It's an astigmatism.
LAUGHTER
So what?
We all know where Cambridge is.
LAUGHTER
Can I ask a question?
How long do you do each eye for?
If I'm walking out, probably
only about two or three minutes
whereas if I'm inside, do it
like that, when you're working.
Oh, do you cover? You actually walk
along like that down the street?
LAUGHTER
As I said, I did wear a patch
at one point and felt stupid.
People must think you've
forgotten something, when you're...
LAUGHTER
When did the optician give
you this advice?
Probably about eight years ago,
when I started to get headaches.
Maybe he was busy. Was it like
4.55 and he was locking up?
LAUGHTER
Just put your hand over zis
and go away.
LAUGHTER
He's one of the leading, you know...
He's one of the leading...?
Eye specialists on Harley Street.
OK, what do you think, Lee?
I think she should have gone
to Specsavers.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What's it going to be, then?
Well, I think that's
the sort of thing people might do.
I want to know what you mean. Do you
mean the optician might say that?
No, they have got a reputation
to lose.
If you don't believe that, then it's
got to be a lie.
Cos she's saying he said that.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
And, Ben, you think it's a lie,
don't you?
I mean, apart from anything, you go
to Harley Street,
you're paying a lot of money,
the man's going to sell you
some glasses, isn't he?
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
You're saying it's a lie?
Saying it's a lie. OK. So, Doon.
The eyes, the optician,
Harley Street.
Truth or lie?
It is...
..lie.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie. Doon doesn't walk
with one eye open and one eye shut.
BUZZER BLARES
And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that Lee's team
have won by three points to two.
APPLAUSE
But, of course, it's not
just a team game
and my individual liar of the week
this week is...
Ben Miller.
Really? Oh. How lovely.
Yes, Ben Miller.
When it comes to lying,
I'm ashamed to say he's so shameless
it's shameful, which is a shame.
LAUGHTER
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening
and welcome to Would I Lie To You?
The show where honesty is never
the best policy.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
a comedian who studied
quasi-zero dimensional and mesoscopic
electrical systems at university.
Just to explain that to Lee.
University, it's like a school
for grown-ups.
Ben Miller!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a comedian who used to
work in a German sausage factory.
He said the "wurst"
part was delicious.
LAUGHTER
Henning Wehn!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's team
tonight, an actress
currently starring in the sitcom
Plebs, set in ancient Rome,
where she enjoys being attended to
by slaves and taking part in orgies.
I'm afraid tonight it's just
a box of Twiglets.
Doon Mackichan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a man who has a degree in sports
journalism. It's a 2-2.
It would have been a 2-1 but they
equalised in the last minute.
From The Last Leg, Alex Brooker.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And so to Round One, Home Truths,
where our panellists each
read out a statement from the card
in front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've
never seen the card before,
they've no idea what they'll
be faced with.
And it's up to the opposing team to
sort the fact from the fiction.
Ben is first up tonight.
Please reveal all.
Aside from my friend Mark Park,
I have...
LAUGHTER
HENNING:
LAUGHTER
..I have three other good friends
whose names rhyme.
LAUGHTER
Let's not rush any questions, David.
Just, never mind rushing about.
You take your time, you take your
time.
LAUGHTER
Richard Pritchard.
LAUGHTER
That rhymes, to be fair that is one.
Mark Park.
No, we've had Mark Park. There's
three, three other friends on top of
Mark Park.
Richard Pritchard.
You need two more.
Dave Clave.
Dave Clave.
Yeah.
Angie Ranji.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
And what's Richard Pritchard's job?
How do you know him?
He's... Oh, I know him from school,
and he's a quantity surveyor.
How do you know Angie Ranji?
Where'd you meet her?
LAUGHTER
Well, funnily enough,
she was in an acting class with me
on the Isle of Wight.
Where did you run into Dave Clave?
Please say at a rave.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I was in a band with him,
he played drums.
So, all of these people have
lived their lives with matching
forenames, surnames. Have
none of them ever, like, said,
"Do you know what, I think this
sounds ridiculous, I might change
it"?
Well, Richard hasn't because, you
know, it's a common Welsh name.
It is particularly common
to have the first...same first
name as your surname.
Yes. Hugh Hughes.
Yeah.
Bet you're wishing you
thought of them earlier.
LAUGHTER
These friends of yours,
are they in a small social circle?
For example, has Richard Pritchard
ever met Angie Ranji?
Dave Clave has met
Richard Pritchard.
LAUGHTER
Under what circumstances?
Why didn't Angie Ranji go?
I was in a production
of Twelfth Night with
Angie Ranji on the Isle of Wight
and we only knew each other for the
period of one summer in about 1991.
She was a friend of mine,
but she wasn't at my 40th birthday.
Whereas Dave and Richard were.
And why did Mark Park not make
the birthday party, then?
We're just not that close a friend.
So why do you think you
and Mark have never really...?
LAUGHTER
Well, Mark, quantity survey...
You know, I guess...
I thought Richard Pritchard was
a quantity surveyor.
What's Richard Pritchard again?
He's a chartered surveyor.
Are they in a practice,
Park and Pritchard?
LAUGHTER
Does this have the ring of truth?
Do you know, it did before the
quantity surveyor. I think...
I think he said Richard Pritchard
was the quantity...
was the something surveyor.
He said chartered surveyor
for Richard Pritchard.
Now we've got a quantity surveyor.
For Mark Park. But if the surveyors
thing is... If Ben has planted that
surveyor
doubt in our minds, then that's
so brilliant it deserves a point.
So you're going to say?
Lie. Saying it's a lie.
Ben. Truth or lie.
It is...a...
lie.
APPLAUSE
It's a lie. Ben doesn't have four
good friends whose names rhyme.
And, Henning, you're next.
I was once arrested by border
guards for illegally entering
another country.
LAUGHTER
David's team, what do you think?
Which, which country?
LAUGHTER
It was in the mid '90s.
That's not a country.
LAUGHTER
And it was in Eastern Europe,
so they changed names very quickly.
So I'm not sure,
it was either Czech Republic or
Czechoslovakia, I don't know which.
..dissolution it was at. Yeah.
And what was the problem?
Where had you left your passport?
At home.
LAUGHTER
Who were you with, by the way?
Were you on your own or...?
No, I was with a friend from back
home. Pit.
A friend from the pit?
No, with a person called Pit.
Is that his real name,
or is that a nickname?
Pete.
No P... P-I-T.
Like, like Brad Pitt,
but Pit as his first name.
DOON:
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
We were travelling on something that
was called
Schnes-Wochenende-Ticket and...
That's German for National Express.
LAUGHTER
No, it is German for
"You can use any train you like...as
long as it's a slow train."
LAUGHTER
We have that system with
all of our trains.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
OK, so you get off the train
at the border.
Is it at that moment that you
realise you don't have your
passport?
So we wanted to go into
Czech...Czechoslovakia. So I didn't
have my passport, so the obvious
thing to do is don't go across where
the border guards are...
but go a mile
off into the fields...
LAUGHTER
..and cross there. If then someone
wants to see your passport, you say,
"Oh, I must have lost it."
LAUGHTER
Roughly how far into Czechoslovakia,
in whatever form it was, were you?
I was about, give or take, a mile.
I see in the distance, I see like
two lights, two white lights,
they're getting bigger
and bigger and bigger.
And then I realised it's a Jeep, and
then they're driving towards us.
Oh, I'm quite gripped by this story.
The Jeep then just stopped, and then
there is four people jumping
out with automatic rifles and dogs.
Automatic dogs?
LAUGHTER
What sort of dogs were they?
I didn't ask for their names.
Neither did Alex.
LAUGHTER
They were terrifying dogs, probably
Alsatians or something.
What happened, they're all
around you? So what did they say?
They all jump out with their
rifles, don't they? And then saying,
"Oh, ve, ve, ve, ve" of whatever
their language is, so...
LAUGHTER
Yeah, and then we had to
get in the Jeep and...and we were
driving off into Czechoslovakia
and then we ended up in some woods.
One of them jumps out,
opens a gate that
I didn't even see was there. Then
there is some little wooden hut.
And there was someone in there
that spoke German.
We got on well with that fella,
and our excuse was, let me say,
"We had no idea that we'd
crossed the border."
So then
they didn't fully buy it,
but they knew there was little
point executing us.
LAUGHTER
What happens then?
And now the funny story begins.
LAUGHTER
They said,
"You'll have to pay a penalty."
Oh, the Germans and penalties.
Not again.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Never again, please.
Then the Czechs drove us back
to the German border, handed us
over to the German border guards,
and then they congratulated us on
being the first illegal immigrants
from Germany into Czechoslovakia.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Well, there we are.
David what are you and your team
thinking?
It's the travel card thing.
LAUGHTER
It's just, it just seems right.
I think, on an emotional level,
having spent
long hearing that story...
LAUGHTER
..we need it to be true, we need
something.
We need it to be true
because a lot of our life
went into that.
So you're going to say true.
You're saying it's true.
Henning, truth or lie?
Well, that story is actually...
true.
APPLAUSE
Yes, that was true,
Henning did get arrested for
illegally entering another country.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery
guest who has a close connection to
one of our panellists.
Now this week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine
connection to the guest,
and it's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Nicola.
APPLAUSE
So, Ben, first of all,
what is Nicola to you?
Ah, this is Nicola and she taught me
how to talk to crows.
Henning, how do you know Nicola?
This is Nicola, and I told my
parents to sack her as my
baby-sitter
because she failed to read my
bedtime stories with enough emotion.
And finally, Lee, your relationship
with Nicola.
This is Nicola.
I once chased
her for 40 miles down the M3
because I thought she'd
stolen my phone.
David's team, where to begin?
So, Ben, why did you need to
talk to crows?
Um, because...
Well, I'm writing a book...
and...
And my publisher is a crow!
LAUGHTER
And it's a book about aliens,
so I got interested
in the idea of communicating with
other intelligences.
Then I thought, "Are there any
animals on Earth that we can
already,
"that we can...can communicate
with?" And I found out that Nicola
was an expert on crows and had
discovered they're very intelligent.
So what sort of thing have you
learnt to say to crows?
Um, well, we're only really at the
basic sort of introductory...
What, like greetings,
like, "Hello, how are you?"
"Take me to your leader."
LAUGHTER
How to present yourself to a crow.
How do you present
yourself to a crow?
So you go...
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
"How are you, crow? Hello, hello."
That's what Nicola has been
teaching you?
LAUGHTER
That's... That's how you talk to
crows?
You do that with your head and you
go, "Hello, crow, how are you?
"Hello."
When's your next lesson?
When you'll be learning how to say
goodbye to a crow.
LAUGHTER
I've got a hunch about what
it might be.
LAUGHTER
Right, David,
who would you like to move on to?
Henning, what was wrong with
the bedtime story?
I didn't enjoy the way
she read the bedside story to me.
What sort of stories?
Give us an example.
She was reading Hansel And Gretel
to me, and then the witch ends
up in the oven. And she read
that in a very compassionate way.
Yeah.
And the good thing at that point is
all about the witch got what
she had coming, and that's how
I liked the story read to me.
LAUGHTER
You didn't like any complexity
in the character...
No, I like the complexity but I
don't like the compassion towards
the witch because she's a witch.
LAUGHTER
OK, so Hansel and Gretel shove
the witch in the oven,
slam the door, turn it up to...
gas mark six.
No, no, always, always preheat
the oven before cooking in it.
LAUGHTER
preheated. OK.
Slam the door, turn it up,
and then walk out into the forest.
How did
she mis-deliver that line?
Well, it was in German
so it was like...
Is she German?
Ah.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Nicola's a classic
German name, innit?
Nicola. Nicola Schmidt.
LAUGHTER
So she was... What, she was just,
she was what,
weeping for the witch or what?
LEE LAUGHS
What's...
LAUGHTER
I don't want to have to say this now
but I just didn't overly like her.
LAUGHTER
That's obviously not how
I told it to my parents, innit?
I said to my parents, I said,
"Yeah, she didn't put any butter
on the bread and all that business,
"and didn't give me
anything to drink," so I mean, ah...
LAUGHTER
I stuck her in the oven.
LAUGHTER
OK. What about Lee?
Oh, Lee's is not true.
LAUGHTER
So...
how did you come to the mistaken
belief that she'd stolen your phone?
Well, it's an interesting story.
LAUGHTER
I was on the border
of Czechoslovakia.
LAUGHTER
I was...I was in a restaurant
with my wife and children
and we left the restaurant
and we got back to the house
and I suddenly realised
my mobile phone was missing.
So I thought... We came to the
conclusion that my two-year-old
who's always picking things up
and running round tables
cos, you know, I'm not a good parent
and they can run
around in restaurants,
had picked it up
and done something with it
and so I looked at my iPad
which has a thing on it
where it tells you
where your phone is.
An app if you've lost your phone,
so I pressed that.
You looked at your tablet, didn't
you, as opposed to a specific...?
Oh, as opposed to a specific one?
Sorry, I looked at my "tablet",
which I'd previously bought from
Currys.
LAUGHTER
So I decided... I've got one of
these hand-held devices,
let's call it a tablet,
and on this tablet it tells you
where your phone is.
Like, like an iPad?
LAUGHTER
So I checked the app,
and sure enough,
my phone was
doing the little blinky thing
and it was in a street
not too far from the restaurant.
So I thought, "Oh, well, maybe my
child hasn't taken the phone at all,
"maybe it's been stolen."
So I rung my mate up straight away
because I'm a coward,
I didn't want to go on my own.
So he held the iPad.
We drove off, we followed
the little dot
but then when we got close,
the dot started moving,
so we have to follow the dot,
the dot gets on the M3 and
we're following the dot on the M3
and we travel for about 40 miles.
But Nicola could have noticed you
in the rear-view mirror saying,
"I'm being followed
by two weird men."
I think you'll find on motorways,
you're often followed by
the same car for quite a while.
How paranoid are you?
"He's been behind us
for the last five minutes."
"We're on a motorway, David."
"I know, but something's not right.
"There's one beside me now!"
LAUGHTER
You were...
And I was chasing the dot
for a long time.
When we were probably about five
miles away from the dot,
because the dot was
racing off ahead, we raced after.
Stopped, and we sussed out that it
was a service station on the M3.
So we pulled into
the service station
and that's when
the next thing happened.
Give me a minute.
LAUGHTER
How could you tell which of the many
cars parked in the service station?
I wish I had a very good answer.
Ah.
Very clever.
And it's at that point
we see a woman getting out of a car
looking confused and then looking
inside a bag, a shopping bag,
takes the phone out,
and at this point I think,
that's my phone,
and she looks innocent
cos she's looking all confused.
To which I go over,
I say, "That's my phone,"
and she said, "I honest to God have
no idea how it got in there."
And then I start thinking,
the two-year-old did pick it up
and put it in a bag and
so ends the case for the defence.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Thank you. Thank you.
Right, we need an answer.
So, David's team,
is Nicola Ben's bird botherer,
Henning's boring baby-sitter,
or Lee's phone pincher?
What do you think?
I've got a funny feeling
about the crows.
Yeah, I love the idea that you're
spending your free time wiggling
LAUGHTER
Talking in a high-pitched voice.
So, sorry, you two are leaning
towards believing the crow story?
LAUGHTER
I'm finding the crow story
the least convincing.
At the moment.
I'm not saying it's impossible.
Do you believe Lee?
As a matter of principle, no.
LAUGHTER
I think it's probably Henning.
I think Henning's the sort of...
could have been the sort of vicious
little child...
LAUGHTER
..who would have a
baby-sitter summarily dismissed
for no good reason at all.
Which way are you going, Alex?
Do you know what, I'm going to
stick my neck on the line.
I think Lee.
Yeah.
Doon?
Er...I initially thought it was Lee.
Completely from the very beginning
when I heard the three things,
I went, "It's definitely Lee."
I'm not going to overrule.
I wouldn't be surprised
if it was Henning.
You're saying it's Lee,
with a little suspicion
that it's Henning. OK.
Nicola, would you please
reveal your true identity?
My name is Nicola,
and I taught Ben
how to talk to crows!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Brilliant.
Thank you very much, Nicola.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies, and we start with...
It's David.
I recently shooed a fox out of the
garden by squirting it with water.
Five minutes later,
I watched in horror as it returned
with its brother
and ate my plimsoll.
LAUGHTER
Lee's team, what do you think?
I've never heard anything
so middle-class in all my life.
LAUGHTER
I want to picture it,
so you're in your house,
and you see the fox in the garden.
Now you don't,
with the greatest respect,
you don't strike me
as overly nimble.
LAUGHTER
No, I'm not overly nimble,
but I'm just nimble enough.
Between 1 and 10,
how quickly were you in the garden?
I went out in the garden
at top speed for me,
which I'm afraid is now 6.7.
LAUGHTER
Anyway, you come out into the garden,
you've got the hose, you see the fox.
And he sort of moves away a bit,
shows some,
a certain degree of fear
of the alpha predator.
He sees me and thinks, "Do you know,
I think I'm safe with this guy",
and I thought,
"Well, I can't have this,
"I can't have the
fox thinking it's won.
"If I lose my power
to frighten off foxes, what am I?"
Can I answer that?
LAUGHTER
So I, you know, I grabbed,
I grabbed my hose,
and I, you know,
swizzle some water at them.
I don't want to soak
the poor creature.
Did you put your thumb on the end?
So I did put my thumb on the end
and I directed some water,
sort of towards the lawn
just kind of between him and me,
and that's enough.
He's off.
I bet he went, after the fox went
off, I bet he went...
Yeah, yeah.
LAUGHTER
Look round sheepishly and thought,
"I better get those plimsolls."
Are you in your pyjamas?
I was wearing normal clothes.
Well, David, we have a different
opinion of what normal clothes are.
LAUGHTER
It was black tie, not white tie.
LAUGHTER
So in a nutshell, you had a fox
in your garden, you come out,
water the thing out the garden,
then a little while later
it comes back.
Two of them.
Now, where are you at this point?
Right.
Noticing they've come back in the
garden, thinking, "Dear, oh, dear."
There was deer there as well?
LAUGHTER
And then the fox...
And then one of the foxes goes
and grabs this plimsoll
Why?
LAUGHTER
Tiny suggestion. Why don't you keep
the plimsolls near the back door
so you don't have to get your feet
wet if it's raining?
You're full of...
home improvement ideas!
And I don't, I don't know,
cos I'm a moron.
LAUGHTER
I don't know. I don't speak fox.
LAUGHTER
If you wanted to do a proper
impression of a fox,
I know a woman, who,
providing you're a tad gullible,
will show you exactly...
LAUGHTER
So I said...
HIGH-PITCHED:
LAUGHTER
I'm trying to communicate with you.
And you could stop
pooing on my lawn.
LAUGHTER
Right, Lee, what are you thinking?
Fundamentally, no Englishman leaves
a pair of plimsolls
as his garden footwear and keeps
them by a shed.
So, you're saying its...
It's a lie.
HENNING:
Well, I'll go with my team,
even though I think it's true.
Saying it's a lie. OK, David.
Squirting foxes in the garden.
Truth or lie?
It is...
a lie.
APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Thought it was a lie.
Yes, it's a lie. David didn't squirt
water at a fox
only for it to return
and eat his plimsoll.
Next...
It's Doon.
On the advice of an optician,
I often walk with one eye open
and one eye shut.
That way one of my eyes
is always having a rest.
LAUGHTER
Lee?
Well, it's sensible.
Even if she isn't doing it,
she should.
I will from now on.
LAUGHTER
When you say a rest,
you mean just to give your eye
a rest
or because you're having problems
with your eyes?
No, just to rest the eyes,
so, because I don't wear glasses
and I don't want to wear glasses,
so to exercise the eyes,
it's good to just cover one eye.
Now I have worn a patch,
and just thought I look ridiculous.
But that doesn't make sense.
A doctor wouldn't say to me,
"I don't want to end up in
a wheelchair." "Oh, in that case,
hop on different legs."
LAUGHTER
Don't you feel you strain
your one eye that's still open?
Well, apparently not,
if you've got a slight stigmatism,
so I didn't... Yes, I have got a
slight stigmatism in my left...
I thought it was called
an astigmatism.
Oh, well, then I heard it wrong.
Yeah, but you call it "a sausage,"
the thing isn't "asausage," is it?
There's sausage, a sausage.
Stigmatism, a stigmatism.
You've got astigmatism.
You've got asausage.
LAUGHTER
No, no, no, Ben is right, Ben went to
Cambridge, it's an astigmatism.
It's an astigmatism.
LAUGHTER
So what?
We all know where Cambridge is.
LAUGHTER
Can I ask a question?
How long do you do each eye for?
If I'm walking out, probably
only about two or three minutes
whereas if I'm inside, do it
like that, when you're working.
Oh, do you cover? You actually walk
along like that down the street?
LAUGHTER
As I said, I did wear a patch
at one point and felt stupid.
People must think you've
forgotten something, when you're...
LAUGHTER
When did the optician give
you this advice?
Probably about eight years ago,
when I started to get headaches.
Maybe he was busy. Was it like
4.55 and he was locking up?
LAUGHTER
Just put your hand over zis
and go away.
LAUGHTER
He's one of the leading, you know...
He's one of the leading...?
Eye specialists on Harley Street.
OK, what do you think, Lee?
I think she should have gone
to Specsavers.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What's it going to be, then?
Well, I think that's
the sort of thing people might do.
I want to know what you mean. Do you
mean the optician might say that?
No, they have got a reputation
to lose.
If you don't believe that, then it's
got to be a lie.
Cos she's saying he said that.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
And, Ben, you think it's a lie,
don't you?
I mean, apart from anything, you go
to Harley Street,
you're paying a lot of money,
the man's going to sell you
some glasses, isn't he?
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
You're saying it's a lie?
Saying it's a lie. OK. So, Doon.
The eyes, the optician,
Harley Street.
Truth or lie?
It is...
..lie.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie. Doon doesn't walk
with one eye open and one eye shut.
BUZZER BLARES
And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that Lee's team
have won by three points to two.
APPLAUSE
But, of course, it's not
just a team game
and my individual liar of the week
this week is...
Ben Miller.
Really? Oh. How lovely.
Yes, Ben Miller.
When it comes to lying,
I'm ashamed to say he's so shameless
it's shameful, which is a shame.
LAUGHTER
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE