Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 10, Episode 3 - Episode #10.3 - full transcript
Host Rob Brydon and team captains Lee Mack and David Mitchell are joined by guests Sara Cox, Jason Manford, Nick Robinson and Harry Shearer for another edition of the comedy panel show.
Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You?
the show with barefaced lies
and well-masked truths.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
an American comedian,
actor and star of The Simpsons.
One of the few people for whom
having voices in his head
is actually a good thing.
It's Harry Shearer.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And she presents
The Great Pottery Throw Down,
which I think is just smashing.
It's Sara Cox.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's
team tonight,
a comedian who used to be a glass
collector in a comedy club.
It was a tough job but he
picked it up as he went along.
It's Jason Manford.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the BBC's former
chief political editor.
In one year, he asked politicians a
record number of questions - 5,000 -
and got a record number
of answers - seven.
It's Nick Robinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, to round one, Home Truths,
where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've
never seen the card before,
so they've no idea what
they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to
sort the fact from the fiction -
and Jason is first up tonight.
OK.
"I once wet myself whilst
baby-sitting a toddler."
LAUGHTER
Lee's team.
When was this?
I reckon I was about...
..12 or 13.
It's quite young to be baby-sitting.
It's not in the North.
LAUGHTER
Most of us are parents by that age.
I was going to say.
LAUGHTER
So, whose baby was this, then?
Was it a neighbour's or...?
It was...
No, no, it was, like, a niece...
LIKE a niece? No, no...
LAUGHTER
Was it a nephew?
LAUGHTER
No, it was a niece.
No, a cousin. Well, it's hard to...
It's a niece.
Why didn't you go to the toilet?
Because...
I, like, heard...
I heard a voice upstairs.
"LIKE" a voice? Like a voice, yeah.
Like a niece's voice?
LAUGHTER
It was like the voice of a man,
like, of someone who shouldn't
have been up there, like...
Oh. Like a voice that
I didn't know... Yeah.
..and I just got scared.
I thought it was a ghost.
So, you heard this voice
and you went to investigate?
It was on the baby monitor.
So... What did the voice say?
It said... "Wet yourself."
LAUGHTER
HARRY: Go ahead!
It wasn't an instruction.
It was just, like, a voice.
"I'm in the toilet, it's occupied."
LAUGHTER
So, what did the voice say? I can't
remember the exact words, but...
Cos you always forget
what a ghost says.
Did he speak in English?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was English.
What kind of accent?
Like a Northern accent.
He wasn't going, "Oooooooh!"
He wasn't doing like
a typical ghostly noise,
he was just going...
"Ay up."
LAUGHTER
And then did you go upstairs?
I went up and...
there was nothing there.
And did you ever get to the bottom
of what this voice was?
Yeah, I think what had happened was
the baby monitor had tuned into one
of the neighbour's baby monitors.
Oh, yeah. I was just listening to,
like, someone three doors down.
When you realised that
you'd had an accident
because you were frightened... Yeah.
..did you then make any attempt
to sort of get changed or...?
No, I still... Can I say, Sara,
it's a lovely line of inquiry
but can I just go a step further
and ask the extent of the spillage?
Because...
Well, no, no...
There's the full-on,
there's the deluge,
then there's something
that some of the more middle-aged
men on the panel might...
LAUGHTER
..might be aware of,
which is the sitting
and, "Oh, not again."
LAUGHTER
Can I just say -
you're saying this out loud.
LAUGHTER
Was it age-related seepage
or did the levee break?
Oh, stop saying "seepage."
Rob, are you hoping to become...?
Cos there are many products
for gentlemen of that age
with that problem,
are you hoping to
become the face of them?
LAUGHTER
"Only if you're wearing a Brydon
will you have real peace of mind."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Rhymes with Dry-don.
"Stay Dry-don in a Brydon."
There you go.
LAUGHTER
Dryd-on? Dried-on.
LAUGHTER
With a Brydon...
"With a Brydon, you'll be dried-on."
LAUGHTER
It has, it's dried on.
It's dried on.
So, you go up, you get
to the niece's bedroom,
you check on her. Yeah.
When does the penny drop?
I went up, grabbed the child,
who was asleep in her cot...
Yeah. ..I went out
the front door and my...
You actually ran out the house?
Yeah. Yeah, I did. Screaming what?
I didn't scream, Lee, I just...
Well, you've wet yourself. Well...
LAUGHTER
Don't try and keep dignity
with this story.
"I didn't scream,
I just wet my pants."
So, my auntie and uncle
just live round the corner,
so I just went round there.
And what did you say to them?
"There's a ghost in the house,
so I've got the baby."
LAUGHTER
And what did they say?
"Have you wet your pants?"
LAUGHTER
So, what's your team thinking?
Harry, does this strike
you as the truth?
I'm still back at,
"Like a niece, like a nephew".
Yeah, it was unsettling, wasn't it?
A bit. That got me off
my feed right there.
So, Harry thinks it's a
lie and Sara says it's...
I think, I kind of
think it might be true.
Oh, split decisions, I hate them.
Who can persuade me the most?
I think if...
I think Smithers could.
Can we make him do
the voice, please?
That's early.
Round One.
LAUGHTER
I thought, "At least
have the dignity
"to wait till the second half."
"Is it truth or a lie?"
"Never mind that, do Smithers."
LAUGHTER
I swear, all day...
Now, dance!
APPLAUSE
OK, we'll go with Harry
and say it's a lie.
Saying it's a lie. OK.
Jason, truth or lie?
It is...
Oh.
APPLAUSE
It is true - Jason did wet himself
while baby-sitting a toddler.
Sara, you're next. OK.
"I know how to properly wash a cow."
David's team.
How do you properly wash a cow?
With water... Mm-hmm.
..and soap... Oh.
..and determination.
Why do you have to wash a cow?
Oh, if they get dirty, and...
LAUGHTER
Yeah, you need to wash
a cow if you're going to...
If you're going to show your cow,
like, at a county show or something.
Oh, right.
What sort of soap
would you use for a cow?
A typical soap or was it a
special agricultural soap?
Um, you'd use Fairy liquid.
Just the one brand? Just Fairy?
I mean you could use a
citrusy, lemony-fresh one.
LAUGHTER
I think that would make
the milk taste lemony.
LAUGHTER
But the steak would be lovely.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, that's true. Yeah.
LEE: Because everyone likes a bit
of lemon on their steak, don't they?
LAUGHTER
I'd eat that.
Well, yes, Lee. Do they?
They often marinate a sn...
A snake.
LAUGHTER
You certainly made me look an idiot
there, Rob. I'll give you that.
LAUGHTER
I won't be messing with you again.
Yeah. Yes, Lee, because...
You said, "Snake,"
you can't do it again!
LAUGHTER
Every time you say it,
I'll shout, "Snake!"
So, why did you have to wash a cow?
You marinate a steak... Snake!
LAUGHTER
Save it for tonight when
you're in bed with your wife.
"I'm just marinating the snake."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Why did you have to wash a cow?
Yeah, I washed a cow
because my dad's a farmer
and so we would wash the cows
and take them to the shows,
the county shows. Arable?
No, he's a nice man.
LAUGHTER
What do you mean, "Arable?"
They're cows!
How can they be arable?
LAUGHTER
What does arable mean?
LAUGHTER
Arable is crops.
Yeah, well. Like wheat.
Well, have you never heard...?
Not animals. Duh.
Have you never heard of a farmer
who has a little bit of arable
and a little bit of pastoral?
That would be mixed farming,
not arable farming.
Which was going to
be my THIRD option.
LAUGHTER
What breed of cows were they?
They are, they are the
brown and white ones.
Don't get too technical.
They're called Herefords.
ALL: Oh.
What were their names, your cows?
Well, there was
a long line of Dianas.
Dianas? Yeah. "Diana, the cow."
Diana, the cow.
What do you mean by "long line"?
Well, Diana would have a daughter
and then that'd be another Diana.
And then the initial
Diana becomes...
Steak Diana?
LAUGHTER
Ooh. Oh, that's good. Wow.
That was so good.
That is a classy pun.
So, David, time to take a guess.
What do you think? Nick?
I'm suspicious.
You think it's a lie?
Well, a plausible lie.
Yeah, I think it's a lie.
If you both think it's a lie...
I'm afraid so. Yep. Yep.
We're going to go, "Lie."
You're going to say, "Lie"? OK.
Sara, truth or lie?
It's...
APPLAUSE
Yes!
Yes, it's true, Sara does
know how to wash a cow.
Our next round is
called "This Is My,"
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's
team will claim it's them
that has the genuine
connection to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Claire.
APPLAUSE
So, Nick...
what is Claire to you?
Well, this is Claire.
I was once so peckish
that I broke into her cottage
to steal a tube of Pringles.
LAUGHTER
Jason, how do you know Claire?
This is Claire.
I once called her to drive my car
from the roof of a
multistorey car park
because I was too scared to.
LAUGHTER
Right.
David, what is your relationship
with Claire?
This is Claire,
and she is my dentist
whose earring I swallowed
mid-procedure.
LAUGHTER
Well, there we have it.
Is Claire Nick's burgled buddy,
Jason's multistorey mate,
or David's dozy dentist?
Lee's team, where do you start?
Jason, let's start with you.
How old were you? Um, I was...
like, 20. Have you just started
driving at this point?
Yeah, I'd just passed, so...
So you'd managed to get
to the top... Yeah, yeah.
Why did you find going
down worse than going up?
It was a different way down
than it was coming up -
one of them really tight
spirals, where you...
But it was a spiral going up,
too, wasn't it?
No, it was up the ramp and
then along the car park,
and then up the next ramp and
then along the car park, so...
Did you know Claire before?
Who is she? What's the relationship?
She's my friend's mum.
Friend's mum? Yeah, yeah.
Auntie, niece?
LAUGHTER
Which friend? Steve.
Oh, so Steve... Is Steve your age?
Steve's my age, yeah. And that's...?
I mean, you look about the same age.
And that's the mum?
LAUGHTER
She's, like, 55.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Oh, I don't know.
I tell you what, Jason,
if it's not your person and
you're not telling the truth...
No, I know her.
..this is going to be a hell of a
green room conversation, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
She looks phenomenal for it,
I'm just saying.
HARRY CHUCKLES
Keep going.
LAUGHTER
Why did you call
Claire of all people?
Claire worked...
Oh, where I parked was at the
Arndale Centre in Manchester,
and Claire works there.
What does Claire do?
Where does she work? Oh, I think
it's, like, the jewellers,
one of the jewellers in...
SARA: Hang on a minute,
how did you ring her?
Just on my phone. On your mobile?
Yeah. What, 20 years ago?
It wasn't 20... Come on, hey.
Come on now. 18 years ago?
It was... See, not nice, is it?
JASON AND ROB: 14 years ago.
14 years ago.
Jason is 34.
You're 34? Yeah.
That's not even a lie.
True!
LAUGHTER
Wow, have you had
a really hard life?
LAUGHTER
Yeah. And you had Claire's
work number on your cellphone?
She had a mobile number as well.
I had, like, Steve's mum's number.
You had your mate's mum's
number on your mobile?
Yes, I had my friend's mum's number.
What have you got it down as,
Sweet-cheeks Claire or...?
LAUGHTER
"Steve's mum." OK, who would
you like to question next?
OK, Nick.
So, you broke into
this lady's house...
for Pringles, did you say?
You mean the crisp or the jumper?
LAUGHTER
So, where did all this happen, Nick?
Paint the picture
for us, where are we?
We're on holiday.
We're on holiday. Where?
LAUGHTER
People at home are
now banging the TV.
Somebody hit pause.
LAUGHTER
Where were you?
I was in Italy.
Italy! Italy.
Well, that's narrowed it down.
Where in Italy were you?
I was in...
LAUGHTER
Pardon? Pause.
I'll give you a clue,
it could be Rome.
Rome?
LAUGHTER
Milan? Venice? Florence?
That's just...
Near Florence. Near Florence.
How do you and Claire
know each other?
She was also on holiday.
But I want to know, did you know
Claire before you went to Italy?
I did. So, you're near Florence,
you've got...
What, you've hired some cottages
close to each other?
Yeah, we're... Exactly.
And what happens?
I'm in my cottage,
raiding the larder...
Yes. ..looking for things to eat,
and I thought, "I know what I need."
Right. Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes.
Eh, Rob?
LAUGHTER
They are ludicrously tasty.
LAUGHTER
So, how did you get
into the cottage?
I sort of tried the... You know how
you get blinds on a holiday cottage,
those sort of shutters,
that's the word I'm after. Yeah.
So, I tried the shutters.
Spotting that one
was open, I thought,
"I tell you what,
I could probably...
"squeeze in."
What time of day was this?
Just before lunch. So, you
got in through the window...
Why didn't you wait for lunch, then?
LAUGHTER
Nice work.
So the shutter is a little bit open,
but isn't, on the other side
of a shutter, a glass window?
Yeah, but it wasn't locked. She's
not security-conscious, this woman.
I'm surprised she's working on
a jewellery counter, to be honest.
LAUGHTER
Or have I got these stories
mixed up? There we go.
How did you get out of the cottage?
I opened the door...
You opened the door.
..and I surreptitiously,
hiding the Pringles tube
down my shorts, I...
Baguette? My wife said,
"Are those curiously shaped crisps
or are you just pleased to see me?"
LAUGHTER
What was it? Did you never...?
LAUGHTER
Why didn't you go to the shop?
Cos we were on a holiday,
we weren't near a shop.
Why did you go on holiday at
a place that's not near a shop?
JASON: That's not a prerequisite
of a holiday, is it?
Are there shops, though?
That's what I need to know.
Never mind the view.
What I'm hoping for is a
Londis a two-minute walk away.
LAUGHTER
And then did you tell
Claire what happened
or are you telling her
this now on the telly
and she's finding it out
for the very first time?
That would be a
brilliant phone call.
"We'd like you to come along
to see your old friend Nick."
"Why?" "There's something
he wants to tell you."
LAUGHTER
When did she find out?
I think my children
revealed the secret.
Wouldn't it have been easier to have
one of them go through the window?
That is a very good point.
Why didn't you do that, Fagin?
LAUGHTER
All right now,
what about David?
David, can you just remind us
again how you know Claire?
This is Claire and
she's my dentist...
Oh, yes.
..whose earring I accidentally
swallowed mid-procedure.
OK. All right.
What kind of earring was it?
It was just a stud.
What was the procedure?
It was a dental...
A dental procedure.
LAUGHTER
It was actually, it was a cleaning.
Not a polishing, a cleaning.
I won't clean my teeth myself.
LAUGHTER
So you pay her at a dentists'
rate to do hygienist's work.
I want an expert.
LAUGHTER
I get a brain surgeon
to clean behind my ears.
LAUGHTER
What made it suddenly just fall out?
Cos that just doesn't happen.
Did you grab at her in terror?
No, I didn't, no...
"Help! I'm scared!"
LAUGHTER
You make me seem so sexy.
LAUGHTER
No, I think it was
just simply gravity.
Something has to ruffle your ears...
Yes. You have to...
Oh, David, you didn't!
LAUGHTER
Goodness sake, man.
You can't blame it on the novocaine,
you knew what you were doing.
LAUGHTER
So, you're laying back...
Yeah. ..in the dentist's chair,
or the hygienist's, chair... Yes.
..and she's leaning over you to use
the cleaning apparatus. Yeah.
It's hard to swallow even liquid
when the hygienist is
working in your mouth.
Mm-hmm. How did you manage
to swallow an earring?
Well, I didn't try to.
It just went...
And I felt just a slight...
So, you didn't...? I felt...
You didn't swallow at the time?
I felt nothing more
than a sort of...
No, I didn't go, "Ooh! Mmmm."
HE GULPS
So, you swallowed the earring -
do you get the earring back
and give it to Claire at
your next appointment?
That's a good question.
Did it ever get back to Claire?
It did not.
Did it...? I'm sorry,
I wasn't prepared to do that.
Were you sat on the
toilet at any point
and there was a sort
of definitive... Ping!
..a definite clink noise
as metal hit porcelain?
No. I think it must've
been deeply embedded in...
AUDIENCE GROANS
When you... Hang on.
Give us a minute.
LAUGHTER
It must have come out,
you know, mid-log. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
You could've at least used it
for a very unusual game
of pass the parcel.
LAUGHTER
Is "unusual"...?
Is "unusual" the adjective
you want to use?
It's probably not the right word.
"Unusual's" probably not
a strong enough word.
"Sorry, kids, the
clown's cancelled
"but in better news, David's
brought his little thing..."
LAUGHTER
"Start the music."
LAUGHTER
"I don't even want the earring."
LAUGHTER
All right, well, we need an answer.
What do we think? Cos I...
They're all sounding
unbelievable to me.
I tend to believe Jason.
Jason, you think he panicked
getting out of the car park.
Yeah. Sara, what do we think?
Well, I don't know.
I don't know if Nick was
being vague on purpose
about where the cottage was.
When they come to him
outside Number Ten,
have you ever noticed some,
like, crumbs of crisps
just falling from his mouth at
the last minute before he goes...?
And in the background,
a slightly opened window. Yes.
LAUGHTER
What about David, though?
I mean, you're not even...
Oh, we're actually
entertaining that?
So, what are you going to say?
I say, "Jason." You say, "Jason."
Oh, I'm drawn towards
Nick's story being true,
but I'm not... I don't know, I'm
happy to go with the boss man here.
I think we might have
to go with Jason.
You're going to say it's Jason.
OK. Claire,
would you please reveal
your true identity?
My name is Claire,
and Nick stole my Pringles.
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much, Claire.
I'm really sorry.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies.
And we start with...
It's Lee.
"Possession."
Lee, if you step out
from behind the desk,
read the card first.
"When I ran out of petrol
with my kids in the car,
"the only way I could get to the
nearest garage quickly was on this."
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
Pop that down there, sir. Brilliant.
APPLAUSE
So, where did you break down?
I broke down just
after this round, crying.
LAUGHTER
It was a country lane.
Whereabouts in the world?
It was just somewhere
around Oxfordshire.
You're from Oxfordshire, aren't you?
Yes. Let's change that. Uh...
LAUGHTER
I was somewhere just
around Oxfordshire.
And this was in the car?
This was not in the car.
This belonged to a farmer.
LAUGHTER
It belonged to a farmer?
The smallest, campest
farmer you can imagine.
LAUGHTER
So I run out of petrol,
we're in the middle of nowhere,
I pull over, near
the hedgerow bit...
Yep. ..and then I remembered
passing a petrol station back there.
How far? A mile, half a mile?
About a mile and a half.
A mile and a half.
A mile and a half?
And you didn't just think,
"I'll walk a mile and a half."
Well, it's not, it's
three miles, isn't it?
Cos you've got to get back as well.
That's true. He's got you
there, hasn't he? Yes.
LAUGHTER
But I have to say... What with
you all Oxbridge and everything
and him having no education,
that's quite embarrassing.
LAUGHTER
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hang on.
But still, three miles,
that's not that far.
Three miles is a long way
when you've got children
in the car, crying.
Well, hold on, then,
if you did three miles on it,
you can definitely do four yards,
so let's have a look
at you on the bike.
And then... Let me finish the story.
LAUGHTER
..I remember, as I came back
with the petrol canister,
falling off and damaging my leg,
and vowing that day never...
LAUGHTER
..ever to ride one of
these beasts again.
APPLAUSE
Would you like me to demonstrate me
riding the bike?
I think so. I'm going
to kill you for this.
LAUGHTER
Go round the back... Yes.
..round the side of Sara,
you can do it from there.
OK, I'm not feeling as
young as I used to be,
so I may not be able
to do a wheelie.
Right.
Is it all coming back?
LAUGHTER
And he had a petrol can
as well, of course.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That's it, keep going, keep going.
Over the ramp, over the ramp.
I've got the petrol can.
It's all... Ow!
I've gone over the...
I've got the petrol can.
I'm coming, kids! Kids,
I'm coming, stop crying!
Tell your mother not to
divorce me, I've got the can!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Now I can see it would
have been a big help.
LAUGHTER
Can I make a comment? Yeah.
You're very out of breath.
Yes, I am. And you've
done one lap of this.
Now you're telling us that
you cycled three miles. Yes.
Do you remember having a coronary
arrest at the end of the journey?
I was a lot younger in those days.
Why, when was it?
This was just after Christmas.
LAUGHTER
Lee, what are you doing?
I'm thinking, in a minute,
I'm going to go wheelie
the bike to the edge...
They're saying in my ear,
"It seems like a very bad idea."
I say, "Let him have a go."
Oh, they're saying to
YOU this is a bad idea!
How do you think I feel?
LAUGHTER
What, you mean the
same people that said,
"Pretend you stole a child's bike
and went to a petrol station,"
and they're saying I'M
the one with the bad idea(!)
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Can I just say,
Rob... Come here.
You with your little body, come on.
LAUGHTER
Come on.
CHEERING
Will you help me on to it?
LAUGHTER
Right, I'll sit here
and do the easy bit.
IN WELSH ACCENT: Right, I think
I'm just going to make him
cycle around for a while.
I'm doing Rob Brydon.
Oh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Fair play.
APPLAUSE
Do you want me to
help you on to the seat?
Come on, up, jump!
Thank you.
APPLAUSE
So, while Lee brings
that huge bike back up...
..what are you thinking?
Stop me if you object, but I think
we're going to say that it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie. All right.
Yeah. It is, in fact...
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Lee didn't ride a child's
bike to a petrol station.
Stupid game!
LAUGHTER
Next.
It's Harry.
"At a White House drinks reception,
"I was asked to judge who could
do the best Mr Burns impression
"out of Barack Obama,
Bill Clinton and Bono."
Oh, please be true, please be true.
This is the best
thing we've ever had.
Yes!
What was the occasion?
They were honouring
music, musicians...
It's a...
They have about four or five of
these a year at the White House.
And why was there a Mr Burns...
a competition to sound like
Mr Burns at a musical event?
I was there,
and I think they thought it would be
a cute idea to have me, you know,
judge the thing because
people are always ASKING me
to do these voice things.
Do you generally say
no when people ask?
No, I don't. Good. Do it.
LAUGHTER
I mean I'd rather not ride
a miniature pink bike... Yeah.
..but, you know, we all go
with the cards we're dealt.
All right, so I will tell you
about your riding the pink bike,
that you were...
AS MR BURNS: Excellent.
APPLAUSE
One word gets a round of applause.
I cycled round twice...
LAUGHTER
..and I'm mocked.
And were they, like, the finalists?
They were the finalists, yes.
What did they get to say?
AS MR BURNS: "Release the hounds,"
"Excellent,"
and, uh, I think a couple more.
And who was the best?
I judged Barack Obama the best.
Very wise. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
He's...
It was his house. Yeah, absolutely.
Whereas Bono...?
His Burns was a little
too breathy, I thought.
Could you give us an
approximation of Bono's Burns?
DEEP AND BREATHY:
"Release the hounds,
"release the hounds."
Something like that.
IN MOCK IRISH ACCENT: "Oh, release
d'hounds, release d'hounds,
"release, release d'hounds."
Something like that?
No, it wasn't like that.
And what about...? Tom Jones?
LAUGHTER
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
AS TOM JONES:
"Release...the hounds."
APPLAUSE
And what about... Bill Clinton.
AS CLINTON: ..Bill Clinton?
AS CLINTON: "Well, you've gotta
release the hounds now."
LAUGHTER
AS CLINTON: I did not...
release...
those hounds...
With that woman.
..with that woman.
APPLAUSE
David, what are you
thinking about that?
Nick, you know how the
centres of power operate -
is this kind of ado...
It's totally plausible.
It's plausible that they'd have a...
competition like that?
I think so. They wouldn't...?
Obama, Clinton get on well.
Yeah, yeah.
Bono's everywhere, isn't he?
Bono's always there.
He's like Mickey Mouse,
there's one in each continent.
LAUGHTER
I think he's telling
the truth. Yeah?
Well, I think, you know, we...
You all say, "True?"
..can't imagine a party
at the White House, really.
We can't imagine what
that would be like.
I mean, you've been to
Buckingham Palace, haven't you?
I've been to a buffet at Dale
Winton's house, that's about as...
LAUGHTER
That's as close as I've got.
All right, what are you going to
say? I think we're saying it's true.
You're saying it's true? OK. Yeah.
Harry Shearer, truth or lie?
AS SMITHERS: "Sir, you
have to tell them now."
AS MR BURNS: "All right, I will."
LAUGHTER
Don't rush it, cos I
want to hear that again.
LAUGHTER
AS MR BURNS: "It was..."
APPLAUSE
BUZZER
Well, that noise signals time is up
and it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that David's team
have won by three points to two.
APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching. Goodnight.
APPLAUSE
Unparalleled talent,
unprecedented access.
BBC Two takes a sneaky peek
behind the celebrity curtain.
One piece of advice...
Go out there, grab it with both
hands and stick it in your mouth.
Job done!
Easy peasy, get yourself
a catchphrase.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You?
the show with barefaced lies
and well-masked truths.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
an American comedian,
actor and star of The Simpsons.
One of the few people for whom
having voices in his head
is actually a good thing.
It's Harry Shearer.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And she presents
The Great Pottery Throw Down,
which I think is just smashing.
It's Sara Cox.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's
team tonight,
a comedian who used to be a glass
collector in a comedy club.
It was a tough job but he
picked it up as he went along.
It's Jason Manford.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the BBC's former
chief political editor.
In one year, he asked politicians a
record number of questions - 5,000 -
and got a record number
of answers - seven.
It's Nick Robinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, to round one, Home Truths,
where our panellists
each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've
never seen the card before,
so they've no idea what
they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to
sort the fact from the fiction -
and Jason is first up tonight.
OK.
"I once wet myself whilst
baby-sitting a toddler."
LAUGHTER
Lee's team.
When was this?
I reckon I was about...
..12 or 13.
It's quite young to be baby-sitting.
It's not in the North.
LAUGHTER
Most of us are parents by that age.
I was going to say.
LAUGHTER
So, whose baby was this, then?
Was it a neighbour's or...?
It was...
No, no, it was, like, a niece...
LIKE a niece? No, no...
LAUGHTER
Was it a nephew?
LAUGHTER
No, it was a niece.
No, a cousin. Well, it's hard to...
It's a niece.
Why didn't you go to the toilet?
Because...
I, like, heard...
I heard a voice upstairs.
"LIKE" a voice? Like a voice, yeah.
Like a niece's voice?
LAUGHTER
It was like the voice of a man,
like, of someone who shouldn't
have been up there, like...
Oh. Like a voice that
I didn't know... Yeah.
..and I just got scared.
I thought it was a ghost.
So, you heard this voice
and you went to investigate?
It was on the baby monitor.
So... What did the voice say?
It said... "Wet yourself."
LAUGHTER
HARRY: Go ahead!
It wasn't an instruction.
It was just, like, a voice.
"I'm in the toilet, it's occupied."
LAUGHTER
So, what did the voice say? I can't
remember the exact words, but...
Cos you always forget
what a ghost says.
Did he speak in English?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was English.
What kind of accent?
Like a Northern accent.
He wasn't going, "Oooooooh!"
He wasn't doing like
a typical ghostly noise,
he was just going...
"Ay up."
LAUGHTER
And then did you go upstairs?
I went up and...
there was nothing there.
And did you ever get to the bottom
of what this voice was?
Yeah, I think what had happened was
the baby monitor had tuned into one
of the neighbour's baby monitors.
Oh, yeah. I was just listening to,
like, someone three doors down.
When you realised that
you'd had an accident
because you were frightened... Yeah.
..did you then make any attempt
to sort of get changed or...?
No, I still... Can I say, Sara,
it's a lovely line of inquiry
but can I just go a step further
and ask the extent of the spillage?
Because...
Well, no, no...
There's the full-on,
there's the deluge,
then there's something
that some of the more middle-aged
men on the panel might...
LAUGHTER
..might be aware of,
which is the sitting
and, "Oh, not again."
LAUGHTER
Can I just say -
you're saying this out loud.
LAUGHTER
Was it age-related seepage
or did the levee break?
Oh, stop saying "seepage."
Rob, are you hoping to become...?
Cos there are many products
for gentlemen of that age
with that problem,
are you hoping to
become the face of them?
LAUGHTER
"Only if you're wearing a Brydon
will you have real peace of mind."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Rhymes with Dry-don.
"Stay Dry-don in a Brydon."
There you go.
LAUGHTER
Dryd-on? Dried-on.
LAUGHTER
With a Brydon...
"With a Brydon, you'll be dried-on."
LAUGHTER
It has, it's dried on.
It's dried on.
So, you go up, you get
to the niece's bedroom,
you check on her. Yeah.
When does the penny drop?
I went up, grabbed the child,
who was asleep in her cot...
Yeah. ..I went out
the front door and my...
You actually ran out the house?
Yeah. Yeah, I did. Screaming what?
I didn't scream, Lee, I just...
Well, you've wet yourself. Well...
LAUGHTER
Don't try and keep dignity
with this story.
"I didn't scream,
I just wet my pants."
So, my auntie and uncle
just live round the corner,
so I just went round there.
And what did you say to them?
"There's a ghost in the house,
so I've got the baby."
LAUGHTER
And what did they say?
"Have you wet your pants?"
LAUGHTER
So, what's your team thinking?
Harry, does this strike
you as the truth?
I'm still back at,
"Like a niece, like a nephew".
Yeah, it was unsettling, wasn't it?
A bit. That got me off
my feed right there.
So, Harry thinks it's a
lie and Sara says it's...
I think, I kind of
think it might be true.
Oh, split decisions, I hate them.
Who can persuade me the most?
I think if...
I think Smithers could.
Can we make him do
the voice, please?
That's early.
Round One.
LAUGHTER
I thought, "At least
have the dignity
"to wait till the second half."
"Is it truth or a lie?"
"Never mind that, do Smithers."
LAUGHTER
I swear, all day...
Now, dance!
APPLAUSE
OK, we'll go with Harry
and say it's a lie.
Saying it's a lie. OK.
Jason, truth or lie?
It is...
Oh.
APPLAUSE
It is true - Jason did wet himself
while baby-sitting a toddler.
Sara, you're next. OK.
"I know how to properly wash a cow."
David's team.
How do you properly wash a cow?
With water... Mm-hmm.
..and soap... Oh.
..and determination.
Why do you have to wash a cow?
Oh, if they get dirty, and...
LAUGHTER
Yeah, you need to wash
a cow if you're going to...
If you're going to show your cow,
like, at a county show or something.
Oh, right.
What sort of soap
would you use for a cow?
A typical soap or was it a
special agricultural soap?
Um, you'd use Fairy liquid.
Just the one brand? Just Fairy?
I mean you could use a
citrusy, lemony-fresh one.
LAUGHTER
I think that would make
the milk taste lemony.
LAUGHTER
But the steak would be lovely.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, that's true. Yeah.
LEE: Because everyone likes a bit
of lemon on their steak, don't they?
LAUGHTER
I'd eat that.
Well, yes, Lee. Do they?
They often marinate a sn...
A snake.
LAUGHTER
You certainly made me look an idiot
there, Rob. I'll give you that.
LAUGHTER
I won't be messing with you again.
Yeah. Yes, Lee, because...
You said, "Snake,"
you can't do it again!
LAUGHTER
Every time you say it,
I'll shout, "Snake!"
So, why did you have to wash a cow?
You marinate a steak... Snake!
LAUGHTER
Save it for tonight when
you're in bed with your wife.
"I'm just marinating the snake."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Why did you have to wash a cow?
Yeah, I washed a cow
because my dad's a farmer
and so we would wash the cows
and take them to the shows,
the county shows. Arable?
No, he's a nice man.
LAUGHTER
What do you mean, "Arable?"
They're cows!
How can they be arable?
LAUGHTER
What does arable mean?
LAUGHTER
Arable is crops.
Yeah, well. Like wheat.
Well, have you never heard...?
Not animals. Duh.
Have you never heard of a farmer
who has a little bit of arable
and a little bit of pastoral?
That would be mixed farming,
not arable farming.
Which was going to
be my THIRD option.
LAUGHTER
What breed of cows were they?
They are, they are the
brown and white ones.
Don't get too technical.
They're called Herefords.
ALL: Oh.
What were their names, your cows?
Well, there was
a long line of Dianas.
Dianas? Yeah. "Diana, the cow."
Diana, the cow.
What do you mean by "long line"?
Well, Diana would have a daughter
and then that'd be another Diana.
And then the initial
Diana becomes...
Steak Diana?
LAUGHTER
Ooh. Oh, that's good. Wow.
That was so good.
That is a classy pun.
So, David, time to take a guess.
What do you think? Nick?
I'm suspicious.
You think it's a lie?
Well, a plausible lie.
Yeah, I think it's a lie.
If you both think it's a lie...
I'm afraid so. Yep. Yep.
We're going to go, "Lie."
You're going to say, "Lie"? OK.
Sara, truth or lie?
It's...
APPLAUSE
Yes!
Yes, it's true, Sara does
know how to wash a cow.
Our next round is
called "This Is My,"
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's
team will claim it's them
that has the genuine
connection to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Claire.
APPLAUSE
So, Nick...
what is Claire to you?
Well, this is Claire.
I was once so peckish
that I broke into her cottage
to steal a tube of Pringles.
LAUGHTER
Jason, how do you know Claire?
This is Claire.
I once called her to drive my car
from the roof of a
multistorey car park
because I was too scared to.
LAUGHTER
Right.
David, what is your relationship
with Claire?
This is Claire,
and she is my dentist
whose earring I swallowed
mid-procedure.
LAUGHTER
Well, there we have it.
Is Claire Nick's burgled buddy,
Jason's multistorey mate,
or David's dozy dentist?
Lee's team, where do you start?
Jason, let's start with you.
How old were you? Um, I was...
like, 20. Have you just started
driving at this point?
Yeah, I'd just passed, so...
So you'd managed to get
to the top... Yeah, yeah.
Why did you find going
down worse than going up?
It was a different way down
than it was coming up -
one of them really tight
spirals, where you...
But it was a spiral going up,
too, wasn't it?
No, it was up the ramp and
then along the car park,
and then up the next ramp and
then along the car park, so...
Did you know Claire before?
Who is she? What's the relationship?
She's my friend's mum.
Friend's mum? Yeah, yeah.
Auntie, niece?
LAUGHTER
Which friend? Steve.
Oh, so Steve... Is Steve your age?
Steve's my age, yeah. And that's...?
I mean, you look about the same age.
And that's the mum?
LAUGHTER
She's, like, 55.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Oh, I don't know.
I tell you what, Jason,
if it's not your person and
you're not telling the truth...
No, I know her.
..this is going to be a hell of a
green room conversation, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
She looks phenomenal for it,
I'm just saying.
HARRY CHUCKLES
Keep going.
LAUGHTER
Why did you call
Claire of all people?
Claire worked...
Oh, where I parked was at the
Arndale Centre in Manchester,
and Claire works there.
What does Claire do?
Where does she work? Oh, I think
it's, like, the jewellers,
one of the jewellers in...
SARA: Hang on a minute,
how did you ring her?
Just on my phone. On your mobile?
Yeah. What, 20 years ago?
It wasn't 20... Come on, hey.
Come on now. 18 years ago?
It was... See, not nice, is it?
JASON AND ROB: 14 years ago.
14 years ago.
Jason is 34.
You're 34? Yeah.
That's not even a lie.
True!
LAUGHTER
Wow, have you had
a really hard life?
LAUGHTER
Yeah. And you had Claire's
work number on your cellphone?
She had a mobile number as well.
I had, like, Steve's mum's number.
You had your mate's mum's
number on your mobile?
Yes, I had my friend's mum's number.
What have you got it down as,
Sweet-cheeks Claire or...?
LAUGHTER
"Steve's mum." OK, who would
you like to question next?
OK, Nick.
So, you broke into
this lady's house...
for Pringles, did you say?
You mean the crisp or the jumper?
LAUGHTER
So, where did all this happen, Nick?
Paint the picture
for us, where are we?
We're on holiday.
We're on holiday. Where?
LAUGHTER
People at home are
now banging the TV.
Somebody hit pause.
LAUGHTER
Where were you?
I was in Italy.
Italy! Italy.
Well, that's narrowed it down.
Where in Italy were you?
I was in...
LAUGHTER
Pardon? Pause.
I'll give you a clue,
it could be Rome.
Rome?
LAUGHTER
Milan? Venice? Florence?
That's just...
Near Florence. Near Florence.
How do you and Claire
know each other?
She was also on holiday.
But I want to know, did you know
Claire before you went to Italy?
I did. So, you're near Florence,
you've got...
What, you've hired some cottages
close to each other?
Yeah, we're... Exactly.
And what happens?
I'm in my cottage,
raiding the larder...
Yes. ..looking for things to eat,
and I thought, "I know what I need."
Right. Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes.
Eh, Rob?
LAUGHTER
They are ludicrously tasty.
LAUGHTER
So, how did you get
into the cottage?
I sort of tried the... You know how
you get blinds on a holiday cottage,
those sort of shutters,
that's the word I'm after. Yeah.
So, I tried the shutters.
Spotting that one
was open, I thought,
"I tell you what,
I could probably...
"squeeze in."
What time of day was this?
Just before lunch. So, you
got in through the window...
Why didn't you wait for lunch, then?
LAUGHTER
Nice work.
So the shutter is a little bit open,
but isn't, on the other side
of a shutter, a glass window?
Yeah, but it wasn't locked. She's
not security-conscious, this woman.
I'm surprised she's working on
a jewellery counter, to be honest.
LAUGHTER
Or have I got these stories
mixed up? There we go.
How did you get out of the cottage?
I opened the door...
You opened the door.
..and I surreptitiously,
hiding the Pringles tube
down my shorts, I...
Baguette? My wife said,
"Are those curiously shaped crisps
or are you just pleased to see me?"
LAUGHTER
What was it? Did you never...?
LAUGHTER
Why didn't you go to the shop?
Cos we were on a holiday,
we weren't near a shop.
Why did you go on holiday at
a place that's not near a shop?
JASON: That's not a prerequisite
of a holiday, is it?
Are there shops, though?
That's what I need to know.
Never mind the view.
What I'm hoping for is a
Londis a two-minute walk away.
LAUGHTER
And then did you tell
Claire what happened
or are you telling her
this now on the telly
and she's finding it out
for the very first time?
That would be a
brilliant phone call.
"We'd like you to come along
to see your old friend Nick."
"Why?" "There's something
he wants to tell you."
LAUGHTER
When did she find out?
I think my children
revealed the secret.
Wouldn't it have been easier to have
one of them go through the window?
That is a very good point.
Why didn't you do that, Fagin?
LAUGHTER
All right now,
what about David?
David, can you just remind us
again how you know Claire?
This is Claire and
she's my dentist...
Oh, yes.
..whose earring I accidentally
swallowed mid-procedure.
OK. All right.
What kind of earring was it?
It was just a stud.
What was the procedure?
It was a dental...
A dental procedure.
LAUGHTER
It was actually, it was a cleaning.
Not a polishing, a cleaning.
I won't clean my teeth myself.
LAUGHTER
So you pay her at a dentists'
rate to do hygienist's work.
I want an expert.
LAUGHTER
I get a brain surgeon
to clean behind my ears.
LAUGHTER
What made it suddenly just fall out?
Cos that just doesn't happen.
Did you grab at her in terror?
No, I didn't, no...
"Help! I'm scared!"
LAUGHTER
You make me seem so sexy.
LAUGHTER
No, I think it was
just simply gravity.
Something has to ruffle your ears...
Yes. You have to...
Oh, David, you didn't!
LAUGHTER
Goodness sake, man.
You can't blame it on the novocaine,
you knew what you were doing.
LAUGHTER
So, you're laying back...
Yeah. ..in the dentist's chair,
or the hygienist's, chair... Yes.
..and she's leaning over you to use
the cleaning apparatus. Yeah.
It's hard to swallow even liquid
when the hygienist is
working in your mouth.
Mm-hmm. How did you manage
to swallow an earring?
Well, I didn't try to.
It just went...
And I felt just a slight...
So, you didn't...? I felt...
You didn't swallow at the time?
I felt nothing more
than a sort of...
No, I didn't go, "Ooh! Mmmm."
HE GULPS
So, you swallowed the earring -
do you get the earring back
and give it to Claire at
your next appointment?
That's a good question.
Did it ever get back to Claire?
It did not.
Did it...? I'm sorry,
I wasn't prepared to do that.
Were you sat on the
toilet at any point
and there was a sort
of definitive... Ping!
..a definite clink noise
as metal hit porcelain?
No. I think it must've
been deeply embedded in...
AUDIENCE GROANS
When you... Hang on.
Give us a minute.
LAUGHTER
It must have come out,
you know, mid-log. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
You could've at least used it
for a very unusual game
of pass the parcel.
LAUGHTER
Is "unusual"...?
Is "unusual" the adjective
you want to use?
It's probably not the right word.
"Unusual's" probably not
a strong enough word.
"Sorry, kids, the
clown's cancelled
"but in better news, David's
brought his little thing..."
LAUGHTER
"Start the music."
LAUGHTER
"I don't even want the earring."
LAUGHTER
All right, well, we need an answer.
What do we think? Cos I...
They're all sounding
unbelievable to me.
I tend to believe Jason.
Jason, you think he panicked
getting out of the car park.
Yeah. Sara, what do we think?
Well, I don't know.
I don't know if Nick was
being vague on purpose
about where the cottage was.
When they come to him
outside Number Ten,
have you ever noticed some,
like, crumbs of crisps
just falling from his mouth at
the last minute before he goes...?
And in the background,
a slightly opened window. Yes.
LAUGHTER
What about David, though?
I mean, you're not even...
Oh, we're actually
entertaining that?
So, what are you going to say?
I say, "Jason." You say, "Jason."
Oh, I'm drawn towards
Nick's story being true,
but I'm not... I don't know, I'm
happy to go with the boss man here.
I think we might have
to go with Jason.
You're going to say it's Jason.
OK. Claire,
would you please reveal
your true identity?
My name is Claire,
and Nick stole my Pringles.
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much, Claire.
I'm really sorry.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies.
And we start with...
It's Lee.
"Possession."
Lee, if you step out
from behind the desk,
read the card first.
"When I ran out of petrol
with my kids in the car,
"the only way I could get to the
nearest garage quickly was on this."
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
Pop that down there, sir. Brilliant.
APPLAUSE
So, where did you break down?
I broke down just
after this round, crying.
LAUGHTER
It was a country lane.
Whereabouts in the world?
It was just somewhere
around Oxfordshire.
You're from Oxfordshire, aren't you?
Yes. Let's change that. Uh...
LAUGHTER
I was somewhere just
around Oxfordshire.
And this was in the car?
This was not in the car.
This belonged to a farmer.
LAUGHTER
It belonged to a farmer?
The smallest, campest
farmer you can imagine.
LAUGHTER
So I run out of petrol,
we're in the middle of nowhere,
I pull over, near
the hedgerow bit...
Yep. ..and then I remembered
passing a petrol station back there.
How far? A mile, half a mile?
About a mile and a half.
A mile and a half.
A mile and a half?
And you didn't just think,
"I'll walk a mile and a half."
Well, it's not, it's
three miles, isn't it?
Cos you've got to get back as well.
That's true. He's got you
there, hasn't he? Yes.
LAUGHTER
But I have to say... What with
you all Oxbridge and everything
and him having no education,
that's quite embarrassing.
LAUGHTER
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hang on.
But still, three miles,
that's not that far.
Three miles is a long way
when you've got children
in the car, crying.
Well, hold on, then,
if you did three miles on it,
you can definitely do four yards,
so let's have a look
at you on the bike.
And then... Let me finish the story.
LAUGHTER
..I remember, as I came back
with the petrol canister,
falling off and damaging my leg,
and vowing that day never...
LAUGHTER
..ever to ride one of
these beasts again.
APPLAUSE
Would you like me to demonstrate me
riding the bike?
I think so. I'm going
to kill you for this.
LAUGHTER
Go round the back... Yes.
..round the side of Sara,
you can do it from there.
OK, I'm not feeling as
young as I used to be,
so I may not be able
to do a wheelie.
Right.
Is it all coming back?
LAUGHTER
And he had a petrol can
as well, of course.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That's it, keep going, keep going.
Over the ramp, over the ramp.
I've got the petrol can.
It's all... Ow!
I've gone over the...
I've got the petrol can.
I'm coming, kids! Kids,
I'm coming, stop crying!
Tell your mother not to
divorce me, I've got the can!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Now I can see it would
have been a big help.
LAUGHTER
Can I make a comment? Yeah.
You're very out of breath.
Yes, I am. And you've
done one lap of this.
Now you're telling us that
you cycled three miles. Yes.
Do you remember having a coronary
arrest at the end of the journey?
I was a lot younger in those days.
Why, when was it?
This was just after Christmas.
LAUGHTER
Lee, what are you doing?
I'm thinking, in a minute,
I'm going to go wheelie
the bike to the edge...
They're saying in my ear,
"It seems like a very bad idea."
I say, "Let him have a go."
Oh, they're saying to
YOU this is a bad idea!
How do you think I feel?
LAUGHTER
What, you mean the
same people that said,
"Pretend you stole a child's bike
and went to a petrol station,"
and they're saying I'M
the one with the bad idea(!)
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Can I just say,
Rob... Come here.
You with your little body, come on.
LAUGHTER
Come on.
CHEERING
Will you help me on to it?
LAUGHTER
Right, I'll sit here
and do the easy bit.
IN WELSH ACCENT: Right, I think
I'm just going to make him
cycle around for a while.
I'm doing Rob Brydon.
Oh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Fair play.
APPLAUSE
Do you want me to
help you on to the seat?
Come on, up, jump!
Thank you.
APPLAUSE
So, while Lee brings
that huge bike back up...
..what are you thinking?
Stop me if you object, but I think
we're going to say that it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie. All right.
Yeah. It is, in fact...
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Lee didn't ride a child's
bike to a petrol station.
Stupid game!
LAUGHTER
Next.
It's Harry.
"At a White House drinks reception,
"I was asked to judge who could
do the best Mr Burns impression
"out of Barack Obama,
Bill Clinton and Bono."
Oh, please be true, please be true.
This is the best
thing we've ever had.
Yes!
What was the occasion?
They were honouring
music, musicians...
It's a...
They have about four or five of
these a year at the White House.
And why was there a Mr Burns...
a competition to sound like
Mr Burns at a musical event?
I was there,
and I think they thought it would be
a cute idea to have me, you know,
judge the thing because
people are always ASKING me
to do these voice things.
Do you generally say
no when people ask?
No, I don't. Good. Do it.
LAUGHTER
I mean I'd rather not ride
a miniature pink bike... Yeah.
..but, you know, we all go
with the cards we're dealt.
All right, so I will tell you
about your riding the pink bike,
that you were...
AS MR BURNS: Excellent.
APPLAUSE
One word gets a round of applause.
I cycled round twice...
LAUGHTER
..and I'm mocked.
And were they, like, the finalists?
They were the finalists, yes.
What did they get to say?
AS MR BURNS: "Release the hounds,"
"Excellent,"
and, uh, I think a couple more.
And who was the best?
I judged Barack Obama the best.
Very wise. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
He's...
It was his house. Yeah, absolutely.
Whereas Bono...?
His Burns was a little
too breathy, I thought.
Could you give us an
approximation of Bono's Burns?
DEEP AND BREATHY:
"Release the hounds,
"release the hounds."
Something like that.
IN MOCK IRISH ACCENT: "Oh, release
d'hounds, release d'hounds,
"release, release d'hounds."
Something like that?
No, it wasn't like that.
And what about...? Tom Jones?
LAUGHTER
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
AS TOM JONES:
"Release...the hounds."
APPLAUSE
And what about... Bill Clinton.
AS CLINTON: ..Bill Clinton?
AS CLINTON: "Well, you've gotta
release the hounds now."
LAUGHTER
AS CLINTON: I did not...
release...
those hounds...
With that woman.
..with that woman.
APPLAUSE
David, what are you
thinking about that?
Nick, you know how the
centres of power operate -
is this kind of ado...
It's totally plausible.
It's plausible that they'd have a...
competition like that?
I think so. They wouldn't...?
Obama, Clinton get on well.
Yeah, yeah.
Bono's everywhere, isn't he?
Bono's always there.
He's like Mickey Mouse,
there's one in each continent.
LAUGHTER
I think he's telling
the truth. Yeah?
Well, I think, you know, we...
You all say, "True?"
..can't imagine a party
at the White House, really.
We can't imagine what
that would be like.
I mean, you've been to
Buckingham Palace, haven't you?
I've been to a buffet at Dale
Winton's house, that's about as...
LAUGHTER
That's as close as I've got.
All right, what are you going to
say? I think we're saying it's true.
You're saying it's true? OK. Yeah.
Harry Shearer, truth or lie?
AS SMITHERS: "Sir, you
have to tell them now."
AS MR BURNS: "All right, I will."
LAUGHTER
Don't rush it, cos I
want to hear that again.
LAUGHTER
AS MR BURNS: "It was..."
APPLAUSE
BUZZER
Well, that noise signals time is up
and it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that David's team
have won by three points to two.
APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching. Goodnight.
APPLAUSE
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