Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 7 - Episode #7.7 - full transcript
APPLAUSE
Good evening, and welcome
to Would I Lie To You,
the show where it's a talent
to tell tales.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
next to the Arran sweater
Mrs Brydon knitted me,
he's my favourite ever jumper.
It's Olympic long jump
gold medallist Greg Rutherford.
APPLAUSE
And she is the Crimewatch host,
who's one of the most popular
presenters on television so I'm sure
you'll be cheering her on tonight,
unless you're watching
this from G Wing.
It's Kirsty Young.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a comedy actress and star of
The Thick Of It, a political show
all about spin, which is one of
the few four-letter words from that
show we can say at 8.30.
It's Joanna Scanlan.
APPLAUSE
And a comedian who's come here
all the way from Germany.
I said to him, "Eurostar?",
and he said, "Thanks very much,
I am quite famous now."
It's Henning Wehn.
APPLAUSE
So we begin tonight with round one,
it's Home Truths,
where our panellists read out
a statement
from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've
never seen the card before,
they've no idea what
they'll be faced with,
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Kirsty is first up,
Kirsty, off you go.
OK.
I have five chickens, all named
after my favourite newsreaders.
Oh.
Well, there we are. Right,
Lee's team, what do you think?
What are their names?
Their names are Anna Ford
Yeah.
Jan Leeming.
Another newsreader.
Selina Scott.
Newsreader. Oh.
Two Scottish ones,
Viv Lumsden and Mary Marquis,
they were very well-known
newsreaders in Scotland.
What, specifically for Scottish news?
There is Scottish news.
You didn't mention
Angela Rippon, did you?
Angela Rippon died.
Not the newsreader, the chicken.
Actually, actually it was
Moira Stewart that died.
Ah, not Moira. Ah.
This is chickeny Moira Stewart
that's passed away,
Chickeny Moira, yeah.
In case any viewers are upset.
Newsy Moira Stewart is as fit
as she's ever been.
Not in that way.
LAUGHTER
Can I just ask, is that a joke
about Moira Stewart, or did you
really have a chicken called
Moira Stewart that died?
I really had...
It's just the way you're looking
at me, it's putting me off.
I really had a...
LAUGHTER
I have to say, Kirsty...
This is not the first time
a woman has said that to me.
What breed of chicken are they?
They are Burford browns
and Cotswold legbars.
Right, d'you know what...
Why didn't you eat them?
Yeah, those are real chickens.
How do you know so much about
chickens? You seem to know a lot.
Well, I know that...
Well, in Waitrose, they...
LAUGHTER
I thought for a minute then you were
some sort of farming expert,
- it turns out you're just
very middle class. - Exactly.
And they've got those Cotswold leggy
ones, I've noticed the eggs.
Can I ask why you didn't have any
male newsreaders?
Well, because we actually...
Well, I'm going to have to say it
now. We didn't want a cock.
LAUGHTER
Is it me or is it getting hot
in here?
When you say they're your favourite
newsreaders...
Can I just say of all the people
we've had on the show,
you're the most that sounds like
you're actually interrogating.
How do you rate newsreaders, that's
the thing I want to understand.
Well, if you've been in the news
reading game as I have, Henning,
it's a bit like, you, I'm sure
when you watch stand-ups
you think, "Well, they're good,
they're not so good..."
Oh, I hate the lot of them.
So why was that one Selina Scott,
and not that one?
Well, funny you should ask that.
Selina Scott, particularly beautiful
with sort of blondish feathers.
So Jan Leeming, then,
what were her markings?
Well, her... They are...
The chicken, not Jan Leeming.
Well, she's a rather dignified bird
and she's a very good layer.
Again, are we...?
LAUGHTER
You asked for it.
APPLAUSE
What do you think, Lee?
Is she telling the truth?
I'm not buying that, I don't think
that's true, I think it's a lie.
You think it's a lie.
I think it may be true,
but I'm going to go with Henning,
I think he's got
a very good beak for it.
We'll go with Henning's beak
and we'll say that that is a lie.
You're saying it's a lie.
Kirsty, were you telling us the
truth, or were you telling a lie?
It's true.
Yes, it was true all along,
Kirsty does have five chickens
named after newsreaders.
Henning, it's your turn.
For three weeks I was listed
as a missing person by Interpol.
Wow.
When did this happen?
In the mid '90s.
Where were you? Had you
actually disappeared?
I was in Morocco.
What were you doing there?
I was on a bike ride in Spain.
You were on a bike ride
in Spain in Morocco?
Can I have a moment
to chat with my client?
What happened was I met someone
in Spain on a train, a Moroccan man.
So, hang on. Was this bike ride
in Spain happening on the train?
Was it? Cos I know that you
get those Spanish bike rides
on trains in Morocco,
it's probably one of those.
No, there was bad weather,
and that's why I took the train
from the north of Spain
to the south of Spain
because apparently, according
to the local newspaper,
there was better, more agreeable
bicycling weather.
How did you then get
into Morocco, though?
That is because I met that
Moroccan bloke on the train...
Which Moroccan bloke?
Yeah, does he have a name?
Uh, I can't quite remember,
but it was Mohammed or something.
Mohammed the Moroccan,
you met on the train in Spain.
He asked me if I wanted to join him
to go to Morocco
and then I thought, "Well,
I've never been outside Europe."
In for a penny,
in for a pound, so...
So you were picked up by a strange
Moroccan on a train,
and agreed to go back
to Morocco with him?
What's the worst that can happen?
How did you find out that
you were on the Interpol list?
I realised only once I rang my
parents once I was back in Spain,
and I rang my parents, and for them
it was like someone phoned them
from beyond the grave.
So why didn't you ring your parents
from Morocco?
Because that man, that Mohammed...
- You remember Mohammed, don't you?
- Yeah, yeah.
- He was the man on the train.
- The Moroccan on the train.
- The Moroccan on the train who
invited him back to his house. - Yeah.
So by then I was staying there
with Mustapha and his family...
LAUGHTER
From what port did you leave Spain
and into which port
did you enter Morocco?
Good question.
Well, we left Spain, if I remember
correctly, from Algeciras,
and went over to Ceuta,
which is one of the two Spanish
enclaves in the north of Morocco.
Good answer.
I think you've just clutched
victory from the jaws of defeat.
How was it then resolved? How did
you end up getting off of the list?
Well, hang on a minute,
we're jumping ahead here,
what the hell did you do in Morocco?
Yeah, he's allowed to do that,
isn't he?
What were you doing?
- I was travelling without...
No, Mohammed. - Mohammed.
My client is getting mixed up
cos at passport control
they said, "You Mustafa passport."
He's getting a bit mixed up
with the names.
I'm curious as to the fact that
Interpol has a missing persons list.
Yeah, no what happened
is my parents got involved,
and they got Interpol involved.
Right.
I sent a few postcards,
one of them to my friend Mark
and on that postcard I wrote,
"I have joined the Foreign Legion."
"Probably see you never again,
have a good life,"
or something, and then, Mark,
being a quite clever boy,
thought, "OK, with this postcard
I can have a lot of fun,"
I go round Henning's parents
and say them
something along the lines of,
"Herr Wehn, Frau Wehn,
you might be interested in this."
- Sorry, so, your friend Mark...
- Yes.
..used this postcard to mentally
torture your parents.
"I'll make his parents think he's
disappeared forever, for a laugh."
Well, it's German sense of humour.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And what do we know about
this Moroccan chap
who we're calling Mohammed?
He hadn't been home
for many, many years,
and so we couldn't take the boat
straight to Morocco,
we had to go to one of the Spanish
enclaves, because he had to collect
a suitcase full of books
from a cafe in Ceuta.
Full of what? Why did he have
a suitcase full of books?
Because someone left them
there for him.
But why books, in a suitcase?
Well, that is, it was back in the
mid '90s, people were still reading.
- So he went to a cafe in the
Spanish enclave of Morocco... - Yes.
..to collect a suitcase which
he told you was full of books.
Well, I suppose a friend of his
left them there.
Yes, but why?
I mean, you know what it sometimes
is like, isn't it? Like...
Well, I can't quite think of
an example...
But if he could,
it would be like that.
This Interpol list that you were on,
can you just elaborate on how
your parents got you onto it?
Well, they rang the consulate
and they rang all sorts of...
Which consulate?
The German one.
Which German consulate?
Well, the one in Morocco.
They didn't ring the police,
they rang the German
consulate in Morocco?
Well, that's how you would
go about it, wouldn't you?
It's no good ringing
your local bobby.
And what happens then with the list?
Do you just...
They have to tell Interpol,
"Stop looking for Henning,
we've found him"?
- Yes, I suppose so, yeah.
- Well, did they?
For all we know, they're still
looking for you now.
I'm safe.
So what do you think, David?
Does any of that have the ring of
truth, or has he made all that up?
What do you think, Kirsty?
I think it's so odd...
..and inconsistent and unlikely
that it must be true.
Yeah, that's what I'm leaning
towards, as well.
Yeah, I think,
I think that, as well.
I think it's true.
Henning, was that the truth
or were you telling a lie?
Well, this story is true.
Yes, it's true.
Henning was listed as a
missing person by Interpol.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Andy.
APPLAUSE
So, let's start with Kirsty.
What is Andy to you?
This is Andy, he played
a handbag snatcher
in a Crimewatch reconstruction
and we only got nine calls,
but every single one
of those nine calls
said that Andy was actually
the bag snatcher.
Greg, what is Andy to you?
This is Andy, I beat him in
a speed eating competition
where I ate more than
a kilo of ribs.
Right, David,
what's your relationship with Andy?
This is Andy, last year he gave me
a surfing lesson and he told me
that he'd never seen
a novice display
such natural ability
amongst the waves.
So there we have it.
Kirsty's Crimewatch culprit,
Greg's rib eating rival or David's
complimentary surf coach.
Lee, where do you want to start?
Definitely with David.
Could you just show us the basic
move, cos I had a surfing lesson once
and the first thing you learn is to
go from lying to standing, don't you?
Could you show us that move?
- The lying to standing move?
- You heard it.
I can't really remember it,
it was only one lesson.
Where did you...
where did you go for a surf?
Near Newquay in Cornwall.
So I'm not letting it go, would you
demonstrate the movement from...
APPLAUSE
- This should be interesting.
- Yeah, well, I'm...
So you're lying on the board,
I'm helping you as much as I can.
Lying on the board.
And watch the movement,
ladies and gentlemen,
watch as he gets to the standing.
- I'm sort of paddling along. - Nice.
Yeah, and then you get up
to your knees first.
Oh, do you?
And then, so I'm on my knees now.
I'm still a bit shaky, though.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm a beginner, basically.
- But you're a natural.
- Already I'm showing promise.
See? I haven't fallen in.
You've not.
And then...
- You're the only person I know
that was dressed like that. - Yeah.
So you're on your knees.
- Yeah, and then I stand up on it.
- Do it.
- Can I use that?
- Oh, that was there.
What I did that not everyone can do
is I actually leant on a wave,
cos you can.
You know, if you hit water at
enough speed it's like concrete,
and, similarly, for me,
it's just up, there you go.
APPLAUSE
I thought I'm surfing that way.
But then, if you want to turn round,
you just move the tiller, and...
Why were you down there
and why had you decided...
You don't strike me
as a man of the sea.
It was a stag do. A friend of mine
was getting married.
I know what stag do's are.
In the run up, it was decided
it was a weekend in Cornwall.
Who was the friend?
His name was Robbie.
David, what size was the board?
- What size was the board?
- Yeah. - Oh.
That's him giving him time to think
the reiteration of the question.
What size, the board size?
What size the board,
the board of the size.
- You want me to tell you
the board size? - Yes.
Um, normal.
- Normal size. - Normal.
What size is a normal-sized board?
How long is a... Well, this
surfboard was six feet long.
- Six feet? - Six feet.
- That's, that's...
That's a very short surfboard.
Ten foot would have been believable.
Six foot is not believable.
Six foot, yeah,
but he is quite a maverick.
To be honest, I didn't, I didn't...
- Surf. - ..measure it.
One final question, what else
did you and the guys get up to
on the stag weekend, David?
We had a curry one night.
Rock and roll.
Cornish curry.
If you go to the seaside,
you're not having a curry,
you're having fish and chips,
aren't you.
And what sort of stag do
goes all the way to Newquay
and says "Well, I really fancy
now some naan bread."
I must say, if that's
the part that you think
is the chink in my armour...
..that a stag do wouldn't have
a curry at the seaside,
then I reckon I'm doing all right.
Right, Lee, who's next?
- OK, Kirsty. - Yes.
Just remind me again of your thing.
This is Andy, and in a Crimewatch
reconstruction he played
a bag snatcher, and we only
got nine calls
on the particular reconstruction,
and every single one of them
actually named Andy as
the real bag snatcher.
He was representing
the criminal, yeah, and...
The bag snatcher.
The bag snatcher. How much
money was in the bag?
Um, well, actually, that was the
reason, because we wouldn't normally
have something like a bag snatcher
on Crimewatch
cos although it's serious to the
person it's happened to, it's not...
Is this where you pretend
it was more serious?
She wouldn't let go of the bag,
so it ended up as kidnap.
No, no, no.
And we shouldn't make light
of it, Lee. It's crime.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So Andy would be, then,
an actor, would he?
Yeah, Andy is an actor.
Well, why did the nine people
bother to ring up and say,
"My friend Andy the actor
is playing..."
No, no, no, they were people who
had actually witnessed the crime
who phoned us and said,
that is the actual guy.
He looked so like the person.
Ah-hah.
So you're telling me that people
rang up the BBC and said,
"I think I know who did it, it's
the person I've just seen doing it
"in the reconstruction"?
- Yeah. - What does that mean?
What are you talking about?
Just to be clear,
Crimewatch has been going...
It'll be 25 years next year.
This has never happened before.
You don't say.
I would go as far to say
it's never happened at all.
Was Andy subsequently arrested?
- Andy wasn't arrested...
- He wasn't arrested. - No.
He wasn't arrested, he's an actor!
Of course he wasn't arrested!
Get him now!
Let's get him, quick!
Right, what about Greg,
and his story?
You think Greg did it?
He would have got away.
He would.
So go on, Greg,
remind us of your, um, thing.
This is Andy, and I beat him
in a speed eating contest
where I ate over a kilo of ribs.
Where was this?
At a training camp,
Andy's an athlete.
What's his event?
110 metre hurdles
so that's over 10 hurdles.
He runs over 110 metre hurdles.
Does he use a ladder?
If you're wondering what a kilo
of ribs looks like, I'm your man,
because look at these here, you see.
Here we go.
Oooh. That's a kilo of ribs.
That smells.
So that is a kilo of ribs.
How long did it take you
to eat this much ribs?
I think, if I remember
correctly, about six minutes.
- Six minutes, to eat all that?
- Six minutes? - Yeah.
But how did you know whether
you'd finished them or not?
They weren't there any more.
Let's do it logically.
So let's assume there is
60 bits on the rack.
Yeah.
And you've eaten them all
in six minutes,
which works out at six seconds
a thingybob.
One, two, three,
four, five, six.
That's doable.
I think that is doable.
APPLAUSE
Right, we need an answer.
So, Lee's team. Is Andy
Kirsty's Crimewatch culprit,
Greg's rib eating rival, or David's
complimentary surf coach?
Andy does look like an athlete.
Yeah.
He does, he definitely.
Well, yeah, but he also looks
a bit like a surfing dude,
and, dare I say, a minor criminal.
I think it's Greg.
OK, you think it's Greg.
I don't think it's Kirsty.
I think it's more likely Greg.
I have two Gregs, so I will make that
three Gregs. Three Gregs, please.
OK. You're saying it's Greg. Andy,
please reveal your true identity.
My name is Andy, and Greg did once
beat me eating a kilo of ribs.
And it's not just any Andy.
This is Andy Turner who is indeed
European and Commonwealth
hurdling champion.
APPLAUSE
Big thanks to Andy Turner,
ladies and gentlemen.
Which brings us to our final
round, Quick Fire Lies,
and we start with...
BUZZER
It's Lee.
I have had to stop listening to
a classic 1980s pop song,
because every time I play it,
it makes my baby daughter cry.
David and team.
What is the song?
I can't talk about it.
It's Ultravox, Vienna.
And how many times have you played
it and she cried before you decided,
"Oh, hang on, no, this is,
this is definitely a trend"?
It happened three times randomly,
and on the third time I thought,
"This has got to be, no,
it's not a coincidence now
"because she seems to be doing it
at the same point."
Which bit?
Well, it starts off quite slow,
it goes...
LEE HUMS "Vienna"
by Ultravox
We'll be here all night
if I do this.
And then suddenly,
he suddenly goes
♪ The feeling is gone... ♪
And then she started crying
her eyes out and I thought
that was coincidence, so I tried it
once, finally, just to test it.
So after the third time you decided,
"OK, I'm spotting a trend,"
and then you played it
a fourth time.
Fourth time. I even filmed it,
I thought I'll film the evidence.
How loud was the track
when you were playing it?
Piercingly loud that would make
a baby cry, cos I really,
I really wanted to prove my point
on the fourth one.
So what are you thinking, David?
Greg, what do you think?
I don't know. I haven't had any
children
so I don't know whether or not
they just hate ones,
like one
track like that, but...
You should get one cos then they'll
get a sandpit and you'll be happy.
I think it's true.
I think it's true, cos I think
the pitch of the music,
I think it is the kind of thing that
could disturb a little baby.
Well, I'm going to go with
Kirsty. I think it's true.
- You think it's true? - Yeah.
OK. Lee, were you telling
the truth, or was it a lie?
It is in fact true.
It is true.
And, rather excitingly,
we can prove it.
I did film it. I felt terrible.
I did it once. It's never been played
again. Play the VT.
OK, so here it is.
So I'm going to play this once
and we'll never do this again.
All right, Millie, promise you
we'll never do this again.
RADIO PLAYS "Vienna"
by Ultravox
♪ The feeling has gone only you and I
♪ It means nothing to me. ♪
APPLAUSE
So sorry, Millie.
The bizarrest thing.
I think you'll agree,
ladies and gentlemen,
now that's light entertainment.
It's made me so angry cos they
wouldn't show the clip of me
attacking my mother with a taser.
I thought it was really funny.
Yes, it's true. There is nothing
that Lee will not do for a laugh.
Next.
BUZZER
It's... Oh, it's me. Right.
I was recently bounced off
a bouncy castle
whilst trying to prevent
a bouncident.
What's a bouncident?
It's an incident involving a bounce,
and you put the two together
to create bouncident.
Bouncident. Surely it's a derivative
of accident, not incident.
Well, obviously an accident
is an incident,
and a bouncident is an incident.
Was this bouncident an accident?
It was an bouncident
waiting to happen.
How did you go about preventing
the bouncident...
that might or might
not have happened.
I'll tell you everything.
Let me set the scene for you.
It's early summer. It was the
birthday party of a small child.
Were you invited or just turned up?
I... Let's be clear.
- There's a children's party
in a church hall. - Yeah.
- I'm attending because it's the party
of my nephew. - Yeah.
And there's a bouncy castle.
- Whoa, whoa, in the church hall?
- I know, I've never seen that.
- Indoors? - Yes, yes.
- An indoor bouncy castle?
- Indoors.
- How big was it? - Yes.
- No, there wasn't.
How did they get it in the door?
That's a fire hazard.
I'm not an idiot. How did they get
it in the door? We've got him!
No, I'm sorry. Church hall, is that
where the service is being held?
- No. - No, no.
It's the adjacent bit.
Church hall was our Prime
Minister during the war.
APPLAUSE
Now, I don't like bouncy castles,
cos I think they're dangerous.
Right.
And my little boy went on after
I'd expressly told him not to.
What, he disobeyed your orders?
You're the worst father,
or the most incompetent father
I've ever heard of.
Well, I don't like to say but I
think the boy's better off in care.
APPLAUSE
This is very upsetting.
He clambered on, unbeknownst to me
and he's going back and forth.
So I get on and I get my little
boy, George, who is not even two,
and I pick him up.
- Right. - OK.
And I'm trying now
to hold my little boy,
whilst being bounced
by these evil children.
My wife is stood on terra firma.
And as I'm coming off the bouncy
castle, a particularly hefty child
bounces, sending me up,
holding my son.
I hurtle through the air.
Luckily, I come to my feet
like Spiderman,
but the impetus is too much.
I surge forward
and head butt my wife.
Thus having the bouncident
that I was trying to avoid.
So what are you going to say, Lee?
What do we think?
- Yes, I think it's true.
- You think it's true?
If a two-year-old had clambered on,
you might well go and get
your two-year-old off.
I think that's true.
Well, then, I must say true.
You say true. David's team.
Well, we'll say it's a lie.
- You're saying it's a lie. - Yep.
You say it's true.
Well, it's actually...
true.
The tension mounts.
Yes, it's true. I was recently
bounced off a bouncy castle
while trying to prevent
a bouncident.
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that David's team
have won by three points to two.
APPLAUSE
But, of course,
it's not just a team game.
My individual liar of the week
this week is Henning Wehn.
Yes, Henning Wehn.
It was a close run thing, but
he won on penalties. Good night.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Good evening, and welcome
to Would I Lie To You,
the show where it's a talent
to tell tales.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
next to the Arran sweater
Mrs Brydon knitted me,
he's my favourite ever jumper.
It's Olympic long jump
gold medallist Greg Rutherford.
APPLAUSE
And she is the Crimewatch host,
who's one of the most popular
presenters on television so I'm sure
you'll be cheering her on tonight,
unless you're watching
this from G Wing.
It's Kirsty Young.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a comedy actress and star of
The Thick Of It, a political show
all about spin, which is one of
the few four-letter words from that
show we can say at 8.30.
It's Joanna Scanlan.
APPLAUSE
And a comedian who's come here
all the way from Germany.
I said to him, "Eurostar?",
and he said, "Thanks very much,
I am quite famous now."
It's Henning Wehn.
APPLAUSE
So we begin tonight with round one,
it's Home Truths,
where our panellists read out
a statement
from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've
never seen the card before,
they've no idea what
they'll be faced with,
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Kirsty is first up,
Kirsty, off you go.
OK.
I have five chickens, all named
after my favourite newsreaders.
Oh.
Well, there we are. Right,
Lee's team, what do you think?
What are their names?
Their names are Anna Ford
Yeah.
Jan Leeming.
Another newsreader.
Selina Scott.
Newsreader. Oh.
Two Scottish ones,
Viv Lumsden and Mary Marquis,
they were very well-known
newsreaders in Scotland.
What, specifically for Scottish news?
There is Scottish news.
You didn't mention
Angela Rippon, did you?
Angela Rippon died.
Not the newsreader, the chicken.
Actually, actually it was
Moira Stewart that died.
Ah, not Moira. Ah.
This is chickeny Moira Stewart
that's passed away,
Chickeny Moira, yeah.
In case any viewers are upset.
Newsy Moira Stewart is as fit
as she's ever been.
Not in that way.
LAUGHTER
Can I just ask, is that a joke
about Moira Stewart, or did you
really have a chicken called
Moira Stewart that died?
I really had...
It's just the way you're looking
at me, it's putting me off.
I really had a...
LAUGHTER
I have to say, Kirsty...
This is not the first time
a woman has said that to me.
What breed of chicken are they?
They are Burford browns
and Cotswold legbars.
Right, d'you know what...
Why didn't you eat them?
Yeah, those are real chickens.
How do you know so much about
chickens? You seem to know a lot.
Well, I know that...
Well, in Waitrose, they...
LAUGHTER
I thought for a minute then you were
some sort of farming expert,
- it turns out you're just
very middle class. - Exactly.
And they've got those Cotswold leggy
ones, I've noticed the eggs.
Can I ask why you didn't have any
male newsreaders?
Well, because we actually...
Well, I'm going to have to say it
now. We didn't want a cock.
LAUGHTER
Is it me or is it getting hot
in here?
When you say they're your favourite
newsreaders...
Can I just say of all the people
we've had on the show,
you're the most that sounds like
you're actually interrogating.
How do you rate newsreaders, that's
the thing I want to understand.
Well, if you've been in the news
reading game as I have, Henning,
it's a bit like, you, I'm sure
when you watch stand-ups
you think, "Well, they're good,
they're not so good..."
Oh, I hate the lot of them.
So why was that one Selina Scott,
and not that one?
Well, funny you should ask that.
Selina Scott, particularly beautiful
with sort of blondish feathers.
So Jan Leeming, then,
what were her markings?
Well, her... They are...
The chicken, not Jan Leeming.
Well, she's a rather dignified bird
and she's a very good layer.
Again, are we...?
LAUGHTER
You asked for it.
APPLAUSE
What do you think, Lee?
Is she telling the truth?
I'm not buying that, I don't think
that's true, I think it's a lie.
You think it's a lie.
I think it may be true,
but I'm going to go with Henning,
I think he's got
a very good beak for it.
We'll go with Henning's beak
and we'll say that that is a lie.
You're saying it's a lie.
Kirsty, were you telling us the
truth, or were you telling a lie?
It's true.
Yes, it was true all along,
Kirsty does have five chickens
named after newsreaders.
Henning, it's your turn.
For three weeks I was listed
as a missing person by Interpol.
Wow.
When did this happen?
In the mid '90s.
Where were you? Had you
actually disappeared?
I was in Morocco.
What were you doing there?
I was on a bike ride in Spain.
You were on a bike ride
in Spain in Morocco?
Can I have a moment
to chat with my client?
What happened was I met someone
in Spain on a train, a Moroccan man.
So, hang on. Was this bike ride
in Spain happening on the train?
Was it? Cos I know that you
get those Spanish bike rides
on trains in Morocco,
it's probably one of those.
No, there was bad weather,
and that's why I took the train
from the north of Spain
to the south of Spain
because apparently, according
to the local newspaper,
there was better, more agreeable
bicycling weather.
How did you then get
into Morocco, though?
That is because I met that
Moroccan bloke on the train...
Which Moroccan bloke?
Yeah, does he have a name?
Uh, I can't quite remember,
but it was Mohammed or something.
Mohammed the Moroccan,
you met on the train in Spain.
He asked me if I wanted to join him
to go to Morocco
and then I thought, "Well,
I've never been outside Europe."
In for a penny,
in for a pound, so...
So you were picked up by a strange
Moroccan on a train,
and agreed to go back
to Morocco with him?
What's the worst that can happen?
How did you find out that
you were on the Interpol list?
I realised only once I rang my
parents once I was back in Spain,
and I rang my parents, and for them
it was like someone phoned them
from beyond the grave.
So why didn't you ring your parents
from Morocco?
Because that man, that Mohammed...
- You remember Mohammed, don't you?
- Yeah, yeah.
- He was the man on the train.
- The Moroccan on the train.
- The Moroccan on the train who
invited him back to his house. - Yeah.
So by then I was staying there
with Mustapha and his family...
LAUGHTER
From what port did you leave Spain
and into which port
did you enter Morocco?
Good question.
Well, we left Spain, if I remember
correctly, from Algeciras,
and went over to Ceuta,
which is one of the two Spanish
enclaves in the north of Morocco.
Good answer.
I think you've just clutched
victory from the jaws of defeat.
How was it then resolved? How did
you end up getting off of the list?
Well, hang on a minute,
we're jumping ahead here,
what the hell did you do in Morocco?
Yeah, he's allowed to do that,
isn't he?
What were you doing?
- I was travelling without...
No, Mohammed. - Mohammed.
My client is getting mixed up
cos at passport control
they said, "You Mustafa passport."
He's getting a bit mixed up
with the names.
I'm curious as to the fact that
Interpol has a missing persons list.
Yeah, no what happened
is my parents got involved,
and they got Interpol involved.
Right.
I sent a few postcards,
one of them to my friend Mark
and on that postcard I wrote,
"I have joined the Foreign Legion."
"Probably see you never again,
have a good life,"
or something, and then, Mark,
being a quite clever boy,
thought, "OK, with this postcard
I can have a lot of fun,"
I go round Henning's parents
and say them
something along the lines of,
"Herr Wehn, Frau Wehn,
you might be interested in this."
- Sorry, so, your friend Mark...
- Yes.
..used this postcard to mentally
torture your parents.
"I'll make his parents think he's
disappeared forever, for a laugh."
Well, it's German sense of humour.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And what do we know about
this Moroccan chap
who we're calling Mohammed?
He hadn't been home
for many, many years,
and so we couldn't take the boat
straight to Morocco,
we had to go to one of the Spanish
enclaves, because he had to collect
a suitcase full of books
from a cafe in Ceuta.
Full of what? Why did he have
a suitcase full of books?
Because someone left them
there for him.
But why books, in a suitcase?
Well, that is, it was back in the
mid '90s, people were still reading.
- So he went to a cafe in the
Spanish enclave of Morocco... - Yes.
..to collect a suitcase which
he told you was full of books.
Well, I suppose a friend of his
left them there.
Yes, but why?
I mean, you know what it sometimes
is like, isn't it? Like...
Well, I can't quite think of
an example...
But if he could,
it would be like that.
This Interpol list that you were on,
can you just elaborate on how
your parents got you onto it?
Well, they rang the consulate
and they rang all sorts of...
Which consulate?
The German one.
Which German consulate?
Well, the one in Morocco.
They didn't ring the police,
they rang the German
consulate in Morocco?
Well, that's how you would
go about it, wouldn't you?
It's no good ringing
your local bobby.
And what happens then with the list?
Do you just...
They have to tell Interpol,
"Stop looking for Henning,
we've found him"?
- Yes, I suppose so, yeah.
- Well, did they?
For all we know, they're still
looking for you now.
I'm safe.
So what do you think, David?
Does any of that have the ring of
truth, or has he made all that up?
What do you think, Kirsty?
I think it's so odd...
..and inconsistent and unlikely
that it must be true.
Yeah, that's what I'm leaning
towards, as well.
Yeah, I think,
I think that, as well.
I think it's true.
Henning, was that the truth
or were you telling a lie?
Well, this story is true.
Yes, it's true.
Henning was listed as a
missing person by Interpol.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Andy.
APPLAUSE
So, let's start with Kirsty.
What is Andy to you?
This is Andy, he played
a handbag snatcher
in a Crimewatch reconstruction
and we only got nine calls,
but every single one
of those nine calls
said that Andy was actually
the bag snatcher.
Greg, what is Andy to you?
This is Andy, I beat him in
a speed eating competition
where I ate more than
a kilo of ribs.
Right, David,
what's your relationship with Andy?
This is Andy, last year he gave me
a surfing lesson and he told me
that he'd never seen
a novice display
such natural ability
amongst the waves.
So there we have it.
Kirsty's Crimewatch culprit,
Greg's rib eating rival or David's
complimentary surf coach.
Lee, where do you want to start?
Definitely with David.
Could you just show us the basic
move, cos I had a surfing lesson once
and the first thing you learn is to
go from lying to standing, don't you?
Could you show us that move?
- The lying to standing move?
- You heard it.
I can't really remember it,
it was only one lesson.
Where did you...
where did you go for a surf?
Near Newquay in Cornwall.
So I'm not letting it go, would you
demonstrate the movement from...
APPLAUSE
- This should be interesting.
- Yeah, well, I'm...
So you're lying on the board,
I'm helping you as much as I can.
Lying on the board.
And watch the movement,
ladies and gentlemen,
watch as he gets to the standing.
- I'm sort of paddling along. - Nice.
Yeah, and then you get up
to your knees first.
Oh, do you?
And then, so I'm on my knees now.
I'm still a bit shaky, though.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm a beginner, basically.
- But you're a natural.
- Already I'm showing promise.
See? I haven't fallen in.
You've not.
And then...
- You're the only person I know
that was dressed like that. - Yeah.
So you're on your knees.
- Yeah, and then I stand up on it.
- Do it.
- Can I use that?
- Oh, that was there.
What I did that not everyone can do
is I actually leant on a wave,
cos you can.
You know, if you hit water at
enough speed it's like concrete,
and, similarly, for me,
it's just up, there you go.
APPLAUSE
I thought I'm surfing that way.
But then, if you want to turn round,
you just move the tiller, and...
Why were you down there
and why had you decided...
You don't strike me
as a man of the sea.
It was a stag do. A friend of mine
was getting married.
I know what stag do's are.
In the run up, it was decided
it was a weekend in Cornwall.
Who was the friend?
His name was Robbie.
David, what size was the board?
- What size was the board?
- Yeah. - Oh.
That's him giving him time to think
the reiteration of the question.
What size, the board size?
What size the board,
the board of the size.
- You want me to tell you
the board size? - Yes.
Um, normal.
- Normal size. - Normal.
What size is a normal-sized board?
How long is a... Well, this
surfboard was six feet long.
- Six feet? - Six feet.
- That's, that's...
That's a very short surfboard.
Ten foot would have been believable.
Six foot is not believable.
Six foot, yeah,
but he is quite a maverick.
To be honest, I didn't, I didn't...
- Surf. - ..measure it.
One final question, what else
did you and the guys get up to
on the stag weekend, David?
We had a curry one night.
Rock and roll.
Cornish curry.
If you go to the seaside,
you're not having a curry,
you're having fish and chips,
aren't you.
And what sort of stag do
goes all the way to Newquay
and says "Well, I really fancy
now some naan bread."
I must say, if that's
the part that you think
is the chink in my armour...
..that a stag do wouldn't have
a curry at the seaside,
then I reckon I'm doing all right.
Right, Lee, who's next?
- OK, Kirsty. - Yes.
Just remind me again of your thing.
This is Andy, and in a Crimewatch
reconstruction he played
a bag snatcher, and we only
got nine calls
on the particular reconstruction,
and every single one of them
actually named Andy as
the real bag snatcher.
He was representing
the criminal, yeah, and...
The bag snatcher.
The bag snatcher. How much
money was in the bag?
Um, well, actually, that was the
reason, because we wouldn't normally
have something like a bag snatcher
on Crimewatch
cos although it's serious to the
person it's happened to, it's not...
Is this where you pretend
it was more serious?
She wouldn't let go of the bag,
so it ended up as kidnap.
No, no, no.
And we shouldn't make light
of it, Lee. It's crime.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So Andy would be, then,
an actor, would he?
Yeah, Andy is an actor.
Well, why did the nine people
bother to ring up and say,
"My friend Andy the actor
is playing..."
No, no, no, they were people who
had actually witnessed the crime
who phoned us and said,
that is the actual guy.
He looked so like the person.
Ah-hah.
So you're telling me that people
rang up the BBC and said,
"I think I know who did it, it's
the person I've just seen doing it
"in the reconstruction"?
- Yeah. - What does that mean?
What are you talking about?
Just to be clear,
Crimewatch has been going...
It'll be 25 years next year.
This has never happened before.
You don't say.
I would go as far to say
it's never happened at all.
Was Andy subsequently arrested?
- Andy wasn't arrested...
- He wasn't arrested. - No.
He wasn't arrested, he's an actor!
Of course he wasn't arrested!
Get him now!
Let's get him, quick!
Right, what about Greg,
and his story?
You think Greg did it?
He would have got away.
He would.
So go on, Greg,
remind us of your, um, thing.
This is Andy, and I beat him
in a speed eating contest
where I ate over a kilo of ribs.
Where was this?
At a training camp,
Andy's an athlete.
What's his event?
110 metre hurdles
so that's over 10 hurdles.
He runs over 110 metre hurdles.
Does he use a ladder?
If you're wondering what a kilo
of ribs looks like, I'm your man,
because look at these here, you see.
Here we go.
Oooh. That's a kilo of ribs.
That smells.
So that is a kilo of ribs.
How long did it take you
to eat this much ribs?
I think, if I remember
correctly, about six minutes.
- Six minutes, to eat all that?
- Six minutes? - Yeah.
But how did you know whether
you'd finished them or not?
They weren't there any more.
Let's do it logically.
So let's assume there is
60 bits on the rack.
Yeah.
And you've eaten them all
in six minutes,
which works out at six seconds
a thingybob.
One, two, three,
four, five, six.
That's doable.
I think that is doable.
APPLAUSE
Right, we need an answer.
So, Lee's team. Is Andy
Kirsty's Crimewatch culprit,
Greg's rib eating rival, or David's
complimentary surf coach?
Andy does look like an athlete.
Yeah.
He does, he definitely.
Well, yeah, but he also looks
a bit like a surfing dude,
and, dare I say, a minor criminal.
I think it's Greg.
OK, you think it's Greg.
I don't think it's Kirsty.
I think it's more likely Greg.
I have two Gregs, so I will make that
three Gregs. Three Gregs, please.
OK. You're saying it's Greg. Andy,
please reveal your true identity.
My name is Andy, and Greg did once
beat me eating a kilo of ribs.
And it's not just any Andy.
This is Andy Turner who is indeed
European and Commonwealth
hurdling champion.
APPLAUSE
Big thanks to Andy Turner,
ladies and gentlemen.
Which brings us to our final
round, Quick Fire Lies,
and we start with...
BUZZER
It's Lee.
I have had to stop listening to
a classic 1980s pop song,
because every time I play it,
it makes my baby daughter cry.
David and team.
What is the song?
I can't talk about it.
It's Ultravox, Vienna.
And how many times have you played
it and she cried before you decided,
"Oh, hang on, no, this is,
this is definitely a trend"?
It happened three times randomly,
and on the third time I thought,
"This has got to be, no,
it's not a coincidence now
"because she seems to be doing it
at the same point."
Which bit?
Well, it starts off quite slow,
it goes...
LEE HUMS "Vienna"
by Ultravox
We'll be here all night
if I do this.
And then suddenly,
he suddenly goes
♪ The feeling is gone... ♪
And then she started crying
her eyes out and I thought
that was coincidence, so I tried it
once, finally, just to test it.
So after the third time you decided,
"OK, I'm spotting a trend,"
and then you played it
a fourth time.
Fourth time. I even filmed it,
I thought I'll film the evidence.
How loud was the track
when you were playing it?
Piercingly loud that would make
a baby cry, cos I really,
I really wanted to prove my point
on the fourth one.
So what are you thinking, David?
Greg, what do you think?
I don't know. I haven't had any
children
so I don't know whether or not
they just hate ones,
like one
track like that, but...
You should get one cos then they'll
get a sandpit and you'll be happy.
I think it's true.
I think it's true, cos I think
the pitch of the music,
I think it is the kind of thing that
could disturb a little baby.
Well, I'm going to go with
Kirsty. I think it's true.
- You think it's true? - Yeah.
OK. Lee, were you telling
the truth, or was it a lie?
It is in fact true.
It is true.
And, rather excitingly,
we can prove it.
I did film it. I felt terrible.
I did it once. It's never been played
again. Play the VT.
OK, so here it is.
So I'm going to play this once
and we'll never do this again.
All right, Millie, promise you
we'll never do this again.
RADIO PLAYS "Vienna"
by Ultravox
♪ The feeling has gone only you and I
♪ It means nothing to me. ♪
APPLAUSE
So sorry, Millie.
The bizarrest thing.
I think you'll agree,
ladies and gentlemen,
now that's light entertainment.
It's made me so angry cos they
wouldn't show the clip of me
attacking my mother with a taser.
I thought it was really funny.
Yes, it's true. There is nothing
that Lee will not do for a laugh.
Next.
BUZZER
It's... Oh, it's me. Right.
I was recently bounced off
a bouncy castle
whilst trying to prevent
a bouncident.
What's a bouncident?
It's an incident involving a bounce,
and you put the two together
to create bouncident.
Bouncident. Surely it's a derivative
of accident, not incident.
Well, obviously an accident
is an incident,
and a bouncident is an incident.
Was this bouncident an accident?
It was an bouncident
waiting to happen.
How did you go about preventing
the bouncident...
that might or might
not have happened.
I'll tell you everything.
Let me set the scene for you.
It's early summer. It was the
birthday party of a small child.
Were you invited or just turned up?
I... Let's be clear.
- There's a children's party
in a church hall. - Yeah.
- I'm attending because it's the party
of my nephew. - Yeah.
And there's a bouncy castle.
- Whoa, whoa, in the church hall?
- I know, I've never seen that.
- Indoors? - Yes, yes.
- An indoor bouncy castle?
- Indoors.
- How big was it? - Yes.
- No, there wasn't.
How did they get it in the door?
That's a fire hazard.
I'm not an idiot. How did they get
it in the door? We've got him!
No, I'm sorry. Church hall, is that
where the service is being held?
- No. - No, no.
It's the adjacent bit.
Church hall was our Prime
Minister during the war.
APPLAUSE
Now, I don't like bouncy castles,
cos I think they're dangerous.
Right.
And my little boy went on after
I'd expressly told him not to.
What, he disobeyed your orders?
You're the worst father,
or the most incompetent father
I've ever heard of.
Well, I don't like to say but I
think the boy's better off in care.
APPLAUSE
This is very upsetting.
He clambered on, unbeknownst to me
and he's going back and forth.
So I get on and I get my little
boy, George, who is not even two,
and I pick him up.
- Right. - OK.
And I'm trying now
to hold my little boy,
whilst being bounced
by these evil children.
My wife is stood on terra firma.
And as I'm coming off the bouncy
castle, a particularly hefty child
bounces, sending me up,
holding my son.
I hurtle through the air.
Luckily, I come to my feet
like Spiderman,
but the impetus is too much.
I surge forward
and head butt my wife.
Thus having the bouncident
that I was trying to avoid.
So what are you going to say, Lee?
What do we think?
- Yes, I think it's true.
- You think it's true?
If a two-year-old had clambered on,
you might well go and get
your two-year-old off.
I think that's true.
Well, then, I must say true.
You say true. David's team.
Well, we'll say it's a lie.
- You're saying it's a lie. - Yep.
You say it's true.
Well, it's actually...
true.
The tension mounts.
Yes, it's true. I was recently
bounced off a bouncy castle
while trying to prevent
a bouncident.
BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that David's team
have won by three points to two.
APPLAUSE
But, of course,
it's not just a team game.
My individual liar of the week
this week is Henning Wehn.
Yes, Henning Wehn.
It was a close run thing, but
he won on penalties. Good night.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd